Original subtitles

Shitty thing.

Guillermo... He doesn'’t live here anymore.

How is it? I can'’t see.

Tonight we are attending a very special event.

Ha!

Aye, fuck.

The Baron is receiving an eternal lifetime achievement award.

I have never heard of such a thing, but it sounds very cool.

It is about time our Baron got recognized

for all the incredible work he does in our local community.

- Yeah. - He has done so much for all of us,

- both as a leader and as a reliable lay. - Yeah.

Of course I am quite accustomed to being exalted...

praised, feared.

But this shall be a night to remember.

Alas, no. The Sire cannot make it.

Our usual sitter just started at Northwestern and, well...

Oh!

You know how hard it is to find someone new.

- Baron, give us a twirl. - Oh, no.

- Yes, please, Baron. - Look at him go. Wow.

- Spin, Baron, spin. - Wow.

Look at you all. Where are we going?

We are going to an event to honor the Baron.

- Oh. - And you are not.

- Oh. - Because you have made it very clear

that your future lies with the humans, not the vampires.

- That'’s not fair. - Guillermo, we are a family.

- Right. - We will always be a family.

- Thank you. - And you are no longer part of the family.

- Capisce? - Because you rejected your vampire family.

- I didn'’t... - Yeah. The "vamily."

Oh. Colin Robinson, no.

- Hell-lo. - Here he is.

- Shall we saddle up? - Yes.

Well, why does the monster get to go and not me?

- "Vamily." - Yeah.

- No, not him as well. - Very good.

Yeah, I'’m a little hurt I'’m not going to the vampire gathering tonight,

but it'’s probably for the best, you know?

Besides, I already made plans to hang out with my cousin Miguel.

Actually, Miguel and I used to be really close when I was little.

But then he kinda became this, like, jock.

We grew apart,

but our moms are determined that we be really good friends.

We'’re gonna... hang out.

- Miguel! Hey. - Hey. How you doing?

You love it.

- No, I don'’t. - Yeah, you do.

No, I don'’t. I really don'’t.

We should'’ve done this sooner. I was working at this job, you know?

It was crazy. I had to get outta there. I was starting to lose my mind...

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Memo. I don'’t need the whole pinche novella, okay?

Losers first.

Go get '’em, slugger.

Oh!

Strike one!

Little out of practice there, Memo?

I don'’t think I was ever in practice.

What are you talking about?

We used to play all the time when we were little.

Ah!

Gotta keep your eyes on the ball, Memo.

There it is. Every gang in the tristate area is here. How delightful.

Yeah. Looks like everyone came out to play.

- Salutations. - The Warriors. Walter Hill. 1979.

Exciting.

- What a turnout. - Look up there. It'’s the Fly Guys.

Oh, wow. I haven'’t seen the Lower East Side Vampire Punks

since one spat on me in 1983.

I was cool with it. It'’s what we did back then.

- Hello, Hamptons vampires. - Like, "Hampires."

- Stop it! - I hate these dipshits.

But kinda makes you proud, you know? Our people.

So, this is all for me?

- Baron Afanas, there you are. - Ah.

- Hi. - Hello.

You look lovely tonight.

I mean, you look lovely every night.

- We all look lovely tonight. - Ugh.

- You included. - Thank you.

All right. I'’m just going to bring you up to the stage,

and then Jerry will introduce you.

- Jerry is here? - Who Jerry?

Jerry'’s the one who put on this whole event.

Look out, Manhattan all-girls private-school vampires.

Vicious, ruthless killers, both socially and in a murder sense.

What'’s up, girlies?

Ew.

- Hey! - Told ya.

- Check one, check two. - Cute.

Hello. Hi.

I can'’t believe this total zero gets to introduce the Baron Afanas.

Doesn'’t seem right.

He hasn'’t even sucked him off, let alone been nuts deep.

All right.

- Just be quiet. - You be quiet.

Can you count, suckers?

Look around you.

Look at all these different vampires,

all gathered together as one.

Yes. How about it?

We'’ve got our Coney Island carny vampires...

side by side with our leatherette vampires.

We'’ve got our Rockaway surfers...

right next to our JFK TSA vampires.

- Thank you for your service! - This city doesn'’t bleed without you all.

- Yes! - That'’s right! That'’s right, Jerry!

Tonight we'’ve gathered to hear from our esteemed leader...

the great Baron Afanas.

Our supreme commander in charge of our conquest of the New World.

Yes, conquest!

At least, that was the plan, right?

Wasn'’t it?

Taking over the New World?

People feeling good about it?

I'’m just asking questions. I don'’t know.

Maybe the Baron will be able to provide some of these answers tonight.

Maybe there'’s a perfectly good explanation

for why we were sent here 250 years ago to conquer the continent

and we still find ourselves cowering in the shadows.

- Do you have an answer for that? Do you know why? - What'’s this shit?

- When can we move on? - Jerry.

That introduction I cannot live up to.

- Thank you, thank you. - '’Cause here'’s what I wanna know.

- What the fuck? - Does the fault lie in ourselves?

Does it lie in our stars?

Or...

does it lie in our leadership?

- He has a point! - I'’m genuinely asking. I don'’t know.

- Hey, hey. - What is he talking about?

Move!

Gimme that. How dare you disrespect this man?

- Hear! Hear! - This is the great,

the beautiful Baron Afanas.

And this man, this mixer of boiling hot feces,

he knows not of his place.

He'’s nothing but a sower of discontent and disrespect.

Let me see that.

- Puttana! No! - Let me see that.

- No. No. Shut up! - Hold on. Hold on.

No. No, no, don'’t...

Ah!

- Uh... - Okay. Uh, that was not my fault.

Jerry was killed by that Frankenstein monster!

It'’s Cravensworth'’s monster.

Run! Run!

They killed Jerry! The Staten Island vampires killed Jerry!

- No, we didn'’t. - Kill them!

We should get the fuck out of here!

Kill them!

Fucking hell. How many bats are up there?

So flying home is not an option.

Where do we go, what do we do and how do we do it?

We need to get home. Which way is home? Is it north?

- I'’m certain we are south. - No. No, we'’re not. I'’m feeling east.

You know I can'’t fly, you dicks.

Ah. Colin Robinson, do you know how to get home?

No, I have no idea. I...

I never thought I'’d ever say this, but I think we need to call Gizmo.

- Ah! Yes. - Yes, great idea.

Guillermo!

Not like that, you fucking idiot. With the phone that he'’s doing.

I can also try echolocating.

Nadja, I'’m on the phone!

Come one, man. That'’s why you gotta concentrate.

I was concentrating.

So this new job has a documentary about it too?

No, it'’s actually the same documentary.

It just now follows a guy who quits his old job

and goes out into the regular world.

Okay, word. So it'’s like Sling Blade. But boring.

Know what, Miguel? This is why I don'’t hang out with you.

You don'’t hang out with any of the familia.

I don'’t because every time I do, they make me feel guilty that I'’m always busy.

This was a mistake. I'’m sorry. I'’m gonna go, okay?

Hey, hey. Come on, Memo. I'’m not mad at you, man.

We love you. All right? We were worried.

We never saw you. You'’re out there on your own.

You never even talked about having any friends.

Don'’t worry about me, okay? I have plenty of friends.

Oh, really? That'’s great. Name me one friend. Like, who'’s your best friend?

That would be, uh, Nandor.

Nandor?

My... My boss. My ex-boss. He'’s not my boss anymore.

Your best friend is your former boss?

I know, okay? It'’s complicated, but...

Wait.

Colin?

Wait, slow down. What?

Here we go, Mr. Drama Queen. Just like always.

Every time we start to have fun, you all of a sudden have an emergency somewhere.

- My friends need help. They'’re in danger. - In danger?

It'’s gonna sound crazy, but someone'’s trying to kill them.

- What the fuck? - Just please let me go.

No, no. Fuck that. I'’m going with you, all right? Let'’s roll.

You don'’t even know them. Why would you wanna come?

I don'’t need to know them.

You'’re my familia, all right? I have to have your back. Let'’s go.

- Okay. - An attack on your friends is an attack on all of us.

Seat belt on.

Wait. You should know before we go that my friends, they'’re...

they'’re not like

the regular people that you know.

Memo, will you chill out? I have gay friends, all right? It'’s not a big deal. !¡AÁndale!

And remember, when we find them, I get dibs

- on killing the one with the really gross man bun. - So cringe.

- They'’re not here. Let'’s go. - Okay, let'’s go.

Okay. That was not supposed to go that way.

I cannot believe that Jerry betrayed the Baron like that.

As long as you are all right, that'’s all that matters.

- Ugh. - I have been serving Jerry for months.

I feel so betrayed. I'’m so sorry.

I hear you, I hear you. You know, trust is essential...

Um... We'’re just gonna give you guys a minute. Just give you some...

Sounds like this Jerry does not get...

Laszlo, why did your monster flip the fuck out and pop Jerry'’s head?

He was just performing his duties as a protector.

Well, then how do I know that he might not just flip out one day and pop my head?

- My monster would never do that. - How could you be so sure?

Look at the mess that thing has created.

That lumbering, demented donkey of a creature is clearly capable of anything.

No, no, no. He'’s not. My darling, my monster would never hurt you.

I didn'’t want you to know,

but the sole objective of creating him in the first place

was to keep you safe.

What?

My darling, if anything were to happen to me,

you would be protected.

- What? - When have I ever needed protecting

from anything or anyone?

I knew you'’d react like this.

For the record, my darling,

I was a vampire on my own for centuries.

Before you came along, Mr. Cravensworth,

I once ripped an entire pack of werewolves to shreds with my bare fangs

and then scattered their entrails on the road like a confetti.

- I'’ve heard this story a thousand... - Ah! A confetti.

The skies are clear.

Let'’s try to get our bearings.

Look. Look down there.

Athletes preparing for a baseball game? At this hour?

They'’re not athletes, you tit. They'’re the Bronx Bomber vampires.

Well, they'’re looking for us.

Good. Let'’s just take them on and get this over with.

No, we should cross the bridge.

Okay.

Keep walking. They'’re coming up here!

Just keep walking.

- What now? - Shit.

Oh, no. It'’s the Meatpacking District vampires.

As deadly as they are beautiful.

I wouldn'’t mind having my meat packed.

- This way. To the subway. - Shut the fuck up.

- Flee! Down here! - We must run!

Come on. Take cover fast!

Fuck yeah. I see an entrance.

Come on. Hurry.

Does the subway even go to Staten Island?

- Stay close, Blondie. - What the fuck?

Hey. What'’s this shit?

- Great. Jumping vampires. - All right. Cool down.

Is it hat vampires?

- Fuck off. Fuck off. - Oh, shit.

No. What are they?

These guys are the, uh...

I don'’t actually know what kind of vampires these are.

- Are they '’80s vampires? - Breakdance vampires?

No, I think they'’re Fame the movie vampires,

or Fame the TV show vampires.

And the space suit fella must represent MTV or something.

Then what'’s with the riverboat gambler guy?

They lost me there. I have no clue.

You killed Jerry the vampire.

No, no. That was done by a random monster.

- Shazam! - Uh-oh.

- Five, six, seven, eight. - No!

What'’s this shit?

- Ooh! - Oh! Okay.

They'’re twinkle-toe vampires. I got this.

Have you ever seen feet move at this medium pace?

- All right. - That'’s a nice one. Aha!

Oh.

- Fuck off. - Wow.

- It'’s really good. - Not bad.

- Oh... - Fuck this shit.

What? What?

- Okay. - What the fuck?

Fuck, Laszlo!

They really weren'’t that threatening.

You idiot.

Well, he'’s dead.

- Full house. - I was handling it.

Sorry.

Let'’s just keep moving, all right?

We'’ll get above ground...

- Okay. - So Guillermo can find us.

- Good idea. - Whatever.

You know, I really like it when you take charge.

No, no, no.

Don'’t worry about the address. I'’ll text when I get it.

Just gather '’em up. Keep your phone on, all right? All right.

Who was that?

- Some friends. In case we need backup. - Backup?

You said your friends are gonna get killed. I don'’t know what'’s gonna happen.

- Where are they, man? - I don'’t know, okay?

Colin lost his location, so maybe he lost reception.

- I can try calling again. I don'’t know. - Are these people even real?

Are you kidding me right now? Yes, they'’re real.

- Why would I be doing this if they'’re not real? - I just had to check.

- Had to check? They'’re real, okay? Don'’t worry. - You'’re acting crazy.

They'’re my friends, and they'’re vampires, so there'’s that.

- Did you just say they'’re vampires? - Yeah.

Actually, you met one of them.

- What? - Yeah, but you attacked her.

- The fuck? - You attacked her.

I would remember something like that.

How could you? She hypnotized you.

How you gonna remember, hmm?

- You know what? Let'’s just keep driving. - Yeah, let'’s keep driving.

Oh, it'’s Colin.

Hey, hey. Hi, Colin. Where are you?

Okey dokey.

I just got off the phone with Gizmo

and gave him... our locash.

You know, Laszlo,

I had those dancing vampire freaks in the palm of my hands.

I do not need you or your stupid monster to protect me.

Is that what you think?

My darling, I did not train my monster to protect you

because I thought you could not live without me.

I trained that monster

because I cannot live without you.

Laszlo,

I cannot live without you.

But if something was to happen to you and I was to lose you,

it wouldn'’t be your protection I would miss.

It would be you.

Your looks, the layers in your hairs. Your wit.

And the way you use that extremely large hog.

And that cannot be taught.

No, it can'’t.

Aw. They'’re being sweet again.

- Yes. - The way that...

Kinda makes you think, doesn'’t it?

Think about what?

Well, isn'’t it obvious?

I have been searching for love for so very long,

and it was right here the whole time.

Right under my nose.

In front of my nose.

- Me? - You.

Ugh.

- So, I'’ve watched your search for love. - Mm-hmm.

This one, that one.

- Your dead wife. - Yes.

- Guillermo'’s boyfriend. - Freddie.

Gail. I mean, basically, anyone and everyone who wasn'’t me.

And I'’ve seen after you won their hearts.

It all falls apart.

Because you'’re all about the conquest, not the victory.

You'’re a good friend, but you will never have me.

Ever.

Sorry, could you run that by me again?

I completely zoned out.

I got ever so lost in those big,

beautiful blue eyes of yours.

I said you'’ll never have me.

I have a little bit of self-respect. A little... [chuckling] ...bit.

- I just feel so ready for love. - Okay.

- Mmm... Wait a minute. What is that? - Hey.

- Laszlo. - Oh, shit.

- What the fuck? - Graveyard vampires.

Well, you hang out in a graveyard,

you can expect spooky crap like this.

Oh, bloody fuck.

- Should we... - There'’s too many of them.

- Run while you can. - Yes, yes. Come on, Laszlo.

- This way. - Yes.

Come on, you skull fucks.

Here. Quick! Shit. Shit.

Come on, do your worst.

Fucking hell. Ah!

No, no, no! Wait!

No. Fuck off.

Ah! I see you know your judo well.

- Laszlo! - It'’s all right, my darling. I'’ll be right there.

I'’m coming! Hang your cape on that.

Get your hands off me.

Get out, you motherfucker!

Ooh.

Nadja! There'’s some over here too.

All right. Who'’s next? I can do this all night long.

- Fuck off. - Oh.

- Help me up. - Laszlo.

- Where'’s my wife? - She'’s over there.

Okay. Very good aim. Wow!

Look at my gruesome girl go.

It'’s like front row at a Gallagher show.

I think maybe he'’s dead?

I will say when he'’s dead.

Very impressive. But I think there might be more vampires on the way.

- Perhaps we should get out of here. - In a minute!

Okay.

Now we can go.

Great. Let'’s do that.

- Do you want a straw? - Nope.

You think that maybe we should order coffee drinks... thank you...

so we don'’t look like a bunch of vampires

sat around waiting for our familiar to save us?

We can all be here without everyone ordering coffee.

And we can stay at the table as long as we want.

And when it comes to the bathrooms,

- legally, it'’s Thunderdome. - Hey.

- Guillermo! - Guillermo.

- Finally. - Hey, Gomez.

- You took your sweet time. - Nadja, you all right? You have a little...

Yeah, covered, uh, in brain and blood and guts.

Yes. Thank you for noticing.

So, uh, your vampire friends, they hang out at coffee shops?

Hey, look, no offense. I love the costumes, man.

You turn your mom'’s rug into a dress? That'’s pretty cool.

But, uh, you guys really think you'’re vampires?

No, Nandor. Don'’t hurt him. That'’s my cousin, Miguel.

No kidding.

So you are the famous Miguel. We have heard lots about you.

What the fuck?

Guillermo tells us you'’re very tough and very cool

and once locked him in a cupboard for six hours.

- Put it there. - Don'’t need to fist bump on that.

Sorry about that. Let'’s straighten that for you.

- You guys kill people? - No shit, Kojak.

Chillax, Miguel.

'’Cause a member of Guillermo'’s family is a member of our family.

- Right, guys? - Right.

- "Vamilia." - Nadnor! I have a Nadnor.

Is that for you, Nandor?

No, she is calling someone called Nadnor. Also, I have not ordered anything, so...

- I have one roundhouse kick for a Nandor. - Yes. I am Nan...

How quaint. A barista vampire.

We'’re not barista vampires. We'’re artist and writer vampires

who happen to currently be working as baristas.

And graphic designer vampires.

- Hi. I'’m Cass. - Hi, Cass.

Personal essayist vampire Louis here.

- Got a shot for Nandor. - Oh, that'’s me. Yes.

Fucking guy.

My mistake. That was supposed to be a double shot.

Whoa. Oh, shit.

Oh, I forgot to mention. You have Van Helsing blood running through you.

- What? - It'’s a long story. I'’ll tell you later, okay?

Bat.

Sorry, I didn'’t mean to do that. It'’s because I said the word "bat."

- And I'’ve done it again. I meant to say... - Miguel.

Should we get involved?

You know, I forgot how scrappy Gizmo can be

when he gets a bit of a bee in his bonnet.

Ooh.

Steam.

"Vampuccino."

I will fucking kill you.

Ah! Ooh. Very good.

Almost there. Keep reaching, Gizmo.

Nice shot.

- Ooh. Dead. Very good. - Guillermo.

- We should go. - Yes.

What the fuck is that?

Just some homeys of mine. I called them in case we were outnumbered.

Here they come. Hell yeah! Donnie brought the Spyder.

- Fancy a ride, my darling? - Hello.

We gotta go.

This one? Hold on, hold on.

- Get in, man. - Colin Robinson!

Let'’s go. We have to go.

I don'’t want to get my cape caught.

Ah.

- Oh, home. - Oh, yes.

- We'’re home. - Ooh, doggy.

- Baron? - Well, well, well.

You'’re okay!

Look who came home!

Baron, how did you get back so fast?

Did you know that Staten Island has an above-ground train?

- It'’s actually quite pleasant. - Hey...

And it gave me a chance to open up that Louise Penny I have on audiobook.

- Love her. - She'’s okay. But a quick question.

What the hell were you thinking?

Why did you kill Jerry the Vampire?

B-Because, Baron, Jerry was a huge threat to your almighty power.

Yes.

Which is why I wanted to kill him myself

in front of everyone

to reassert my power.

Do you honestly think that I did not know

this insipid gathering was a trap?

You knew?

Of course I knew.

I didn'’t know Jerry was the enemy, Baron.

But that is no excuse. I have dishonored myself.

But even worse, I have dishonored you.

I will now take my own life.

No. No! No, let me...

- I will not. - Let her.

- Baron, take my life instead. - Do it.

- Huh. - Hold on here. Are you two a thing?

- No. Not at all. - It'’s early days.

Get up. We'’re going to run out of vampires at this rate.

What the blazes?

Gift.

Oh. Jerry'’s crushed head. Thank you.

Very nice.

You can just lay that down there.

I will find somewhere lovely for it later.

- Now, we all have much organizing... - Good job.

To do for tomorrow evening.

To set this right.

Here we are again.

Jerry tried to tear us apart.

But we, unlike Jerry,

will work as one.

- Yes. - For it will take all of us,

all vampires,

to bring the humans of this new world

under our dominion.

- Yes! - Any questions?

Ah.

Okay. Anybody else? Let'’s see. There was someone...

Ah. You.

Did you have a question?

- Uh, nope. - Are you sure?

Because I thought I saw your hand go up.

I thought I had a... had a question, but then y-you answered it.

Just as I thought.

Vampires dismissed.

Two nights out in a row.

The Sire'’s never gonna let me hear the end of this.

♪ Nowhere to run to, baby ♪

♪ Nowhere to hide ♪

♪ I got nowhere To run to, baby ♪

♪ Nowhere to hide, no ♪

♪ That'’s not love That I'’m running from ♪

♪ It'’s the heartache I know will come ♪

- ♪ '’Cause I know You'’re no good for me ♪ - ♪ You'’re no good ♪

♪ But you'’ve become A part of me ♪

♪ Everywhere that I go Your face I see ♪

♪ Every step that I take You take with me, yeah ♪

♪ Nowhere to run to, baby ♪

♪ Nowhere to hide, no ♪

♪ I got nowhere To run to, baby ♪

♪ Nowhere to hide ♪

♪ Nowhere to run ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Ow! ♪