All language subtitles for Route66 - S02E32 (From an Enchantress Fleeing)

(Route 66 theme song
by Nelson Riddle)

- Is it Kaplan I'm
looking for, or myself?

And if I find him, will I
tell him or will he tell me?

Has he run away only for
himself or for all of us

and what he's done?

Is this a retreat or an advance?

I don't know.

I only know I have to find him.

No Kaplan there, that
makes four places so far.

Where has he gone?

Where would he go?

Think back when all you
knew of his world was what

Anna told you, and Lorre.

I don't know, Lorre,
he looks pretty tough.

- The holster stand
is adjustable.

I don't know, Daddy
invented Mr. Top Gun.

- What else did he invent?

- Have you got a coin?

Put the coin in and Mr. Top
Gun will give you the order.

- You mean he talks?

- As fast as you
can, draw and fire.

If he's faster, or if you
miss, he'll insult you.

- People really need this?

- Well I think it's the
most important invention

since the steam engine.

Just think of all the pent
up hostilities it releases.

And nobody gets hurt.

(coin clinks)

- [Machine] I'm the
marshal of this here town,

and I'm gonna referee
this shootout.

To load your gun just
push the muzzle down on

one of the corks
in front of you.

You cock the gun when you draw.

Ready?

Alright, go.

(gun bangs)

- [Mr. Top Gun] Alright
you green horned dude,

I told ya I was
the fastest draw.

Gun reloaded?

You ready to try again?

- This town ain't big
enough for the both of us.

- [Machine] Draw.

(gun bangs)

- [Mr. Top Gun] You
miserable pole cat.

You're not as fast as you
thought you were, are you?

- So I'll leave.

- [Mr. Top Gun] Reload,
you have one more shot.

- [Machine] Draw.

(gun bangs)

- [Mr. Top Gun] Oh, he got me.

I had a little dust in my eyes.

- Who said it's a man's world?

You know, I have a feeling
I'd hate your father.

- Oh, I'm so glad
you'd like to meet him.

- Good evening, Lorre.

- Hi, Tommy.

Oh, Tommy, this is Tod.
- Hi.

- How are you, sir?

- Hey are you in a betting mood?

- Oh dear, oh dear.

Is five dollars too rich?

- I'll hold the money.

We are going to double
this in ten minutes.

Come on Tod, give me five.

- Okay, come on.

- Come on.

- Now remember, just talking
to him doesn't count.

He's got to actually step
outside the lab, okay?

- Or let me come in.

(Tommy laughs)

- You don't stand
much of a chance, son.

Elephants don't
lay eggs, you know.

- I have a surprise
for you. (laughs)

Do you realize, Daddy, you
could have a heart attack

or starve to death,
or maybe have rickets,

and nobody would ever notice?

- [Larry] Well let's imagine
for example I were to

fall on the floor, a victim
of a raging attack of rickets.

If that were to happen a
series of alarms would sound

in Mr. Anderson's office,
and at the same moment

in the dispensary.

Both Mr. Anderson and nurse
Estherbrook have keys.

- Don't you care
about my surprise?

- [Larry] Very deeply.

- Well why don't you
come out and meet him?

- [Larry] Well I can
see him from here.

- Oh, Daddy.

- [Larry] How do you do, son?

- How do you do, sir?

- [Larry] Fine
looking young man.

What do you do, son?

- At the moment I'm trying
to figure out how you can

see through a door.

- [Larry] Oh, just
look above the speaker.

Yes, you look fine, son.

What else do you do?

- As of two days ago
I work for your wife.

- [Larry] You seem quite
young to be a dontist.

- Did he say a dontist?
- Yes. (laughing)

- I'm not actually a dontist.

I'm in the orientation section,
pre-treatment interviews

and post-treatment
treatment, you know?

- [Larry] No, I don't know.

- Mother says he has a great
future in child engineering.

- [Larry] Nevertheless,
bring him home for dinner

some night your mother's
not accepting an award.

(loud explosion
and glass shatters)

- Daddy?

Daddy, Daddy, speak to me.

Daddy, daddy!

- [Larry] Bones seem intact.

I don't seem to be
missing anything.

- Daddy, good night.

- No Sir, elephants
don't lay eggs.

- Good morning Dr. Martin,
when will you need it?

- Good morning, Johnny,
oh about 12:30 I think.

- Another speech?

- No, just lunch alone today.

Am I looking forward to it.

- Oh, good morning Mrs.
Bradley, good morning, Mark.

- Do you have a toothache?

- Oh, nobody has a toothache.

- I got a toothache.

- You only think you
have a toothache.

But you mustn't think
about it any more.

We're going to have
fun, aren't we?

(laughs) Mr. Stiles is
waiting for you, Mrs. Bradley.

Good to have you back, doctor.

- Thank you, Nona.

Would you call Larson's and
have them frame that for me?

- Which wall?

- The same wall, the
trophy wall of course.

- Well I'm afraid last
week's plaque from

Young Matrons for
Sibling Improvement

finished that wall, doctor.

- Well ask Mr. Larson to
start a new wall then.

Nona, did my husband phone?

- No, doctor.

- Would you get
him for me, please?

(rotary phone dialing)

- Tape recorder.

Do you like to dream, Mark?

- I like cartoons.

- [Tod] What kind?

- Chipmunks.

- We have a fine selection
of cartoons we run

while a child is having
his T-E-E-T-H F-I-L-L-E-D.

- Takes all the barbarism
out of it, doesn't it?

- Mm.

I'll bet you like music.

- How much?

- Well the way you're
rocking, fine sense of rhythm.

- Mashed potato.

- Mashed potato?

- New twist song.

- Oh, well we'll
order several sides.

We like to play the
child's favorite music

before he gets
into the C-H-A-I-R.

Now Mrs. Bradley, there
are several things only

you can answer, I'd like to run
over possible early traumas,

familial relationships,
sibling rivalry,

sleep habits, enuresis.

- He's never been sick
a day in his life.

Lean something new
every day, don't we?

No, he was trained very early,
stopped when he was two.

- Hm, is that a fact?

- But Larry, I'm giving
the party for you.

Lorre in love?
Heavens no.

What young man?

Oh, Tod.

Yes, as a matter of fact
she's bringing him to the

party tonight that you'd
better be sure an attend.

Alright.

Just try not to blow yourself
to pieces before tonight.

Yes, eight o'clock.

Goodbye, dear.

Nona, bring in the diary
and the charts and the tape

for the three days
I've been gone.

- Anna darling, come
being authority.

My husband is agreeing
with Max Mayberry,

who agrees with Phillip
Wylie that women

are destroying America.

It's the thing, a revival
of of the Momism indictment.

I want you to tell
him your secret.

How a woman can have
a happy marriage

and a successful career.

Actually, it's the only
reason I brought him tonight,

so you could convince him.

He has a mono mania
on the subject.

If you can't straighten him
out, into the pool he goes.

The deep end, I have
him heavily insured.

- Well he may be
right, you know.

I remember something that
a prominent woman said,

I'm glad that I'm not
a man because then I

should be obliged
to marry a woman.

- Anna, you are literally
handing him the atom bomb.

(laughter)

- Hi, come here.

Come with me, I want
you to meet some

moderately exciting people.

- Where's the bar?

- Tod, I'm serious.

- So am I, where's the bar?

Last week we had
dinner at the beach

and I said to the
waiter two salads please

and you said both with
Roquefort, just like that,

straight from the hip.

Lorre, I don't like Roquefort.

- Well why didn't
you say something?

I would have.

- Mm-Hm.

Come on, let's have a drink.

- Oh honey, you go ahead
I'll wait for Daddy.

As soon as I set him on the
right track, believe me,

this party is so
important to Mother.

She's trying to expose him
to more people, open him up.

He's so locked up in himself.

Go ahead, get your
drink, I'll find you.

- Martini.

- Two, real dusty.

- Here (laughs).

- Thank you.

Yale?

- It shows?

- 59, 60?

- 60, my third and last
year I didn't finish.

- Nobody finishes.

We end, but we never finish.

- My name's Tod Stiles.

- How do you like the
party, Tod Stiles?

- I like the dusty martinis.

- How would you like to
buy the whole shebang?

You know what a party
like this costs?

Liquor, 750 dollars.

Food, say 500.

Help, 250 dollars.

That guitar player, what
does a guitar player earn?

Well, let's say 50 dollars.

There are two boys out
front parking cars,

20 dollars apiece.

That's precisely $1590.

I used to teach at Yale.

Cybernetics among other things.

$1590 is almost
two months salary.

- Dust or gold dust?

- Anna Martin was a dental
assistant in the town.

A little underweight but
not at all bad looking.

She earned $33.62 a week.

Now she earns a hundred
thousand dollars a year.

What is it worth to you?

- The hundred thousand?

- No, the party.

A hundred dollars?

Fifty?

Ten?

- Throw in a gift wrap?

- I wouldn't buy it either.

Have you heard any
of the conversations?

Of course if you could see
your way clear to buy the party

I'd take you around and
introduce you as the host

and the inventor
of Kaplan's Law.

That's what they're really
celebrating tonight.

Dr. Martin and his
wife, Dr. Martin,

have been celebrating
it every April

for the past three years,
ever since he left Yale and

got into machines.

Ever since she became
whatever it is she's become.

You'd like Kaplan.

- That depends on his law.

- One part science,
nine parts hope.

Man, states Kaplan,
is and always will be

superior to the machine.

- Well I should have had
Kaplan with me last night.

I got shot down by a machine.

- But machines cannot
make that creative leap.

No matter how hard we try,
we can't make them think.

They cannot produce
anything new, man can.

- What does Kaplan have to
say about man versus women?

- On that issue Kaplan,
alas, is silent.

If you see Dr. Martin, that
is the major Dr. Martin,

would you please
tell her I was here?

- Whom shall I say?

- Kaplan.

- Tod.

Will you run me
over to the factory?

Mother and I are really
burned up about Daddy.

He still hasn't arrived.

There's no answer in the
lab, and the door is locked.

Daddy was here and
Daddy has gone.

We had a lovely
dusty drink together.

In the morning he was gone,
and I was looking for him.

Had he run away for
himself or for all men?

Was he running toward
Kaplan and from Martin?

Was this a retreat
or an advance?

- Thank you.

- You may take the plates
away if you would, Martha.

How about a game of gin,
you used to like that?

- No, it's only
fun three-handed.

- Well wasn't your young
man going to stop by?

He could play the third hand.

- No, he said he was going
to try down toward San Diego.

- How about a movie,
something light?

- Good night, Mother.

- Lorre.

Do you blame me for this?

- This is not a contest, Mother.

And I don't intend to
cast the deciding vote.

So please don't
start campaigning.

- You do blame me, don't you?

- Last night at the party,
a boy I like very much

the boy who works
for you, Tod Stiles,

he said to me,

"I hate Roquefort dressing."

In all this time,
without ever asking him,

at dinners he's taken me out to,

I've been ordering Roquefort
dressing for his salad.

Mother, how many dressings

on how many salads

at how many dinners have
we decided for Daddy

without ever once asking him?

- Like there's ten guys
between me and the title.

All the same if I
do say so myself,

I'm a pretty classy
little fighter.

Now she comes on the scene.

She comes on like a lamb, but
after the wedding ring goes on

I know I got myself a tiger.

You got no ambition she says,
Tommy, you're a bag of oats.

Get in there and
bard some for baby.

I says look, honey, to me
you know it's just a job.

Am I supposed to get my
kicks caving guys in?

Hiya kid.

So I wake up one morning.

It was very clear to
me I married myself
an animal trainer.

- Some walnuts, raisins?

- I'd just about
given up on you.

- Why didn't you?

- I guess I want to
try to understand.

- So do we all.

So we come here from
some enchantress fleeing.

Sit down.

- I says to her honey, why, huh?

What's with you?

What is this get in there
Tommy and kill them, huh?

Well you know how
those things work.

When you're ready to ask
yourself a question like that

you're already halfway
to the answer, right?

Huh, right?

So I figured it out for myself.

Every time I clobber a guy
she thinks it's for her, huh?

It gives her a big charge.

Yeah.

So I nail her with it.

She says yeah, yeah
it makes me feel high.

It makes me love you.

I say to her honey if I
ever stop hitting people

would you love me?

Just don't try
stopping, she says.

Yeah. (laughs)

So here I am.

- You know what a
model husband is?

That's a man who wears
a white flag for a suit

and every day he
negotiates peace.

And always he winds up
in the same position.

Unconditional surrender.

I'm a model husband.

In addition I'm
a movie producer.

But lately, nobody comes
to see my pictures.

Of course when I think
about some of my pictures,

I don't blame them.

My wife, may I tell
you about my wife?

Listen, she's a good woman.

She raised our children.

You can eat off our floors.

And she never looked
at another man, but

when I married her
she was a cashier in a

second run theater in Buffalo.

Today she's an expert
on box office figures.

Do you want to know what
Moon on the Caribbean grossed

first run, opening
week, Detroit?

She'll tell you, to the penny.

I say to her Marian, I'm
doing the same pictures I did

20 years ago and they
don't work any more.

Let's go make a
picture in Europe that

nobody will understand
except you and me.

And she gives me that
look, you know that look?

And she says who
understands you anyway?

Europe?

Listen Arnie, your last six
pictures lost two studios

one million three
hundred thousand

so you just better get hold
of yourself and come through

with a smash.

You think I want to sit
around here and chew raisins?

I want to go back out there.

But I can't live
with a cash register.

Maybe I should go into TV.

Those TV guys,
nobody bothers them.

- I'm not married.

- A man can lose his
wallet and people will

knock themselves out
helping him try to find it.

He can lose his arm and
they'll cry for him.

He can even lose his wife and
they'll click their tongue.

But a man losing himself
passes as quietly as a

marshmallow into a
cup of hot chocolate.

This young man knows my wife.

Where could anyone
find a lovelier woman?

You, Ames, you run from
brutality and good for you.

You, Gunter, you
run from vulgarity.

But what do I run from?

Because my wife makes twice
as much money as I do?

Not at all, I'm proud of her.

Though I was happier with
her when she was a dentist

instead of a dontist.

One day, early in our
marriage, I bought a little

pencil sketch in a store
that sold used books.

I paid fifty cents for it.

I went to the five and
ten and got a frame.

Rushed home with it
and hung it in my den.

My den.

Anna promptly moved
it into the bathroom.

I promptly moved it back.

But the next day when
I came home from work

there it was in the bathroom.

I never moved it again.

I like to think I saw
in this small incident

a portent of inevitable war.

And all these years I've been
postponing and postponing

a counter-attack.

That's why I came here Tod
Stiles, friend of my daughter,

employee of my wife,

to decide whether
to counter-attack,

whatever the cost,

or surrender whatever the price.

- I think you've
decided, doctor.

- Meet me in my laboratory
at three o'clock

tomorrow afternoon.

This then faced us
with two problems.

First to create a
vending machine which in

one form or another was
not already on the market.

Second, to create a machine
which would offer a service

or commodity so deeply needed
that the public would be

willing to pay not ten
cents, not a quarter, but

as much as five dollars.

A machine which meets a
psychological need so deep,

so great, that five dollars
will seem like nothing.

First I asked myself a question.

Lawrence Martin, what was
the most enjoyable period

in your life?

And I remember the most
wonderful, the most tender time

was when I was courting my wife.

It was then I felt truly
alive, most like a man.

Gentlemen I decided
my problem was,

the company's problem was,

how can we turn
this tender time,

this lovely period, in the life

of all young men,
into hard cash.

My thinking over the past two
months has led me to believe

that courting a girl today
has become an increasingly

fearful, difficult,
almost impossible task

for many young men
in our society.

And so it follows, there's
a vast untapped market

among men today for a
machine which would help them

court women.

Also, there's a vast untapped
market among women themselves

who might, in time, or
for all we know overnight,

might come to prefer
the machine to the man.

I asked Tommy to go
out in the street,

pick out any young
unmarried couple at random

that might come along.

But they will serve to
demonstrate both the potential

and the purpose of
this love machine.

- The love machine?

- [Larry] Well you could
hardly call it Project X.

(audience chatters)

- [Man] Well look at this thing.

(audience chattering)

- Come right up here.

What is your name, my dear?

- Janie, Janie Sanders.

- Well, Janie.

(electronic noises and beeping)

Will you tell it to the machine?

Now ordinarily, except
on this pilot model

for the purposes of
demonstration, the machine will

have a tiny
compartment to one side

shaped probably like a
miniature vine-covered cottage

into which the patron will step.

Certain basic information
is fed to the machine

by the patron, then--

Oh, Janie, will you hold
it just a little closer?

And just answer the questions
asked by the machine.

You may whisper, some
of them are personal.

- Nobody gets
personal with my girl.

- Well wouldn't you like
us to land on the moon

before the Russians?

- Well yeah, but...

- Well stop impeding the
forward march of science.

(electronic noises and beeping)

Now the machine knows the best
way to court Janie Sanders.

The quickest, most
sure-fire way to her heart.

- I don't care who
gets to the moon first.

Nobody gets personal with Janie.

(violin music)

(hissing steam)

- There are 16 different
perfume combinations.

Now based on the confidential
information told to the

love machine by Janie,
things she would never

tell her boyfriend, the
machine makes the ideal

selection for Janie.

(violin music continues)

- Well Larry, I don't
quite know what to say.

It is personal, isn't it?

- It's intended to be personal.

- Come on, let's cut out.

- Get lost.

- You see with the love
machine, we can completely

eliminate man and give
women the self sufficiency

they say they want.

- What are you guys,
a bunch of nuts?

- [Tommy] Hey, you,
come here, come here.

Drop the can, now stop it.

Down I say.

- Gentlemen.

- Martin, I'm going to
have you blackballed in

every laboratory
from coast to coast.

- I'd appreciate
that Mr. Anderson.

(men talking)

Well.

- I just happened
to be passing by

thanks to a crash
course in Spanish,

two road maps, three
tanks of gas and a

burning case of curiosity.

- Well I'm always glad
to see a visitor from the

planet of psycho-dontia.

- You know it took me a
couple of weeks to find you.

That's quite a sign.

- I bet the extra fifty
cents caught your eye.

- Oh, yeah.

The fact that one
chair is 35 dollars and

six chairs are a
thousand dollars, that--

- A thousand and
fifty cents, please.

- That didn't stop me a minute.

What's the fifty cents for?

- Well that's what I
had to pay Serafini

for painting the sign.

The thousand dollars
is pure profit.

- Do you actually think
that somebody's going to

spend 35 dollars for one
chair and a thousand for six?

- Well it was fun
to make one chair.

It'd be a bore to make six.

- Well, what if
somebody buys this one?

- It's a perfect
business. (laughs)

- I didn't ask for this job but

between your wife and
Lorre I got nominated

and chose to run.

Your wife squared things
with the factory about that

love machine, and
your name's clear now

and you can come home any time.

- What do you see, Tod Stiles,

when you look at
this chair I carved?

- Good workmanship, good design.

- What would Kaplan
see if he looked at it?

- He'd see that it was
carved by a man's hands

out of living wood.

He'd see it was made
in the light of the sun

not under a fluorescent tube.

And he'd see it was one man's
declaration of independence.

- You and Kaplan, son.

I'm sorry you couldn't have
spent more time together.

You two would get
along just fine.

Tell them,

tell them I miss them.

Tell them I love them.

But don't get them all
stirred up and sentimental.

Tell them the truth.

I may not come back.

- But doctor you're just not
gonna sit here in this chair

for the rest of your life.

- That's tomorrow's problem,
and tomorrow is untouchable.

I'll tell you this, Kaplan's
friend of the moment.

I'm happy sitting
here in my one chair

not knowing if today
is Tuesday or Friday.

Knowing only that it's morning,
that's all you can tell.

For some reasons, I do not
know or care about, I'm happy.

- I'll tell them, doctor.

(car engine starts)

- Here's Mr. Stiles
now, just in time.

The children have
been asking for you.

This morning is their final
pre-treatment treatment

before going into the C-H-A-I-R.

- You mean before they
go into the chair?

- Today all four children
are scheduled to have their

T-E-E-T-H- F-I-L-L-E-D.

What she's trying to tell
you is that in a few minutes

you're gonna go inside and
sit in a dentist's chair

and have your teeth filled.

- No!

- Well Mrs. Bradley
what are you raising,

a man or an ostrich?

Now who's gonna show him
where the sand is when

you're not around?

Now Mark, just take it easy
it's not gonna hurt that much.

And what if it
does hurt a little?

It's time you started
to learn how to take it

in your stride.

- Tod Stiles, if you can
possibly explain your actions

I'll listen, otherwise
you're fired.

- You asked me to give
your husband a message.

Well I told him and the
answer is no thanks.

- Well, what's that got
to do with terrifying

these poor children?

- Well I'll just tell
you, Doctor Martin.

I stood here watching
that little boy rocking

surrounded by
well-meaning females

insulating him from L-I-F-E.

Maneuvering him, deciding
for him, lying to him.

And I said to myself
if he's not lucky,

if somebody doesn't tell
him now, maybe in 30 years

he'll wind up sitting in
a pueblo carving chairs

and laughing out loud with
joy to be on his own again.

Now you can fire me,
anybody can quit.

- Tod?

You did say Larry
was carving chairs?

- One, one chair.

- Tell me, is it a good chair?

I want to buy a chair, please.

You do sell chairs, don't you?

- Well I only have--

- Oh darling. (crying)

Larry, remember the print
that's been hanging in

the bathroom all these years?

It's back in your den now.

- Oh.

- Daddy?

Oh good, I need it
so bad. (crying)

- Senor?

How would you like
to buy a chair?

(Route 66 theme
by Nelson Riddle)

- [Announcer] This
has been a Screen Gems

film presentation from
Columbia Pictures,

Herbert B. Leonard,
executive producer.