Original subtitles

♪ Money, money, money, money ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money... ♪

Ha!

Bull's-eye.

Ah, throwing darts at Mom again, huh?

Must be alimony day.

Yeah, I wrote the check this morning.

This is how I cope. Right. That's healthy.

Thank you. Wait.

How did you get in here? I changed the locks.

Uh, by my buddy Gary the locksmith?

Damn it. He's been compromised.

Give me my key.

Fine.

It's okay. I have another one.

No, you don't. Hand it over.

Okay.

Ha! Huzzah!

How'd you do that?

Let's just say I can't cough

or I'll give away the hiding place.

Okay, first of all, don't cough.

Secondly,

we got to take a new family photo.

Oh. That's a great idea.

I-I can direct it.

Great. Good. Okay.

We got to do it soon before the kids aren't cute anymore.

Why wouldn't they be cute when they get older?

Because of this. Oh, my God!

What is that?

That's you when you were 12.

Look like a baby horse without your mustache.

Yeah, you're right. I-I didn't get hot till I was, like, 13,

so...

God, my...

Got my key back.

Don't ever call yourself hot again.

Fine. I wasn't delicious until I was 13.

All right, it's cool, it'll just be me, you,

- Nina... Mama... - the kids.

It'll be great.

Who'd you say?

The kids? No, before that.

Nina? Between the two.

Mama? Yes. Her.

The whole idea is to have a photo without her in it.

Okay. Okay, what?

To what you said. What did I say?

That you don't want her there.

Okay, good.

Great.

Well, just to be clear,

you're not gonna tell her?

You said it.

No, I want you to say it.

I'll say it. Fine. I was a hot 13-year-old.

Get out. And Catherine can't be there.

Fine.

I'll let myself out.

How'd you do that?

Let's just say I have a lot of keys.

♪ Poppa's ♪

♪ House ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

Okay, so my dad wants to do a family photo,

and he doesn't want my mom in it, but I do.

Yes, I know you want to be standing next to her,

skin-to-skin, like when you were a baby.

Yup, fresh out the portal.

Hold on one second.

Oh.

So, did you tell him that you want her in it? No.

I didn't tell him anything. That's why I'm telling you.

Babe, it's his family photo. He and I

have two different definitions of what our family is.

His family doesn't include my mom, my family does.

You know, because of him, we haven't taken a family photo

in, like, ten years.

Then tell him. I can't because he'll just say no.

That's why I tricked him into saying that she can't be there.

Because, technically, when she comes,

she's gonna be here and not there.

That way, he can't be angry at me.

See, that is the problem right there.

You're afraid of him being angry at you.

Yes.

He's always angry. Yes.

That's like saying water can't be wet. Yes.

Just accept that he's gonna be angry and get what you want.

You know what? You're right.

I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna get what I want.

Okay. Yeah, babe. That's what I'm gonna do.

Give him a piece of my mind. You do that, baby.

Gonna get what I want. Okay.

I just feel like the here, there thing is better, right?

Babe, don't worry, I know how this works, just trust me.

And when it fails?

Oh, it won't. You know why?

Because you

are my secret weapon.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I am not getting involved in this.

Oh, well, I guess you don't want to micromanage this event then.

Did you say "micromanage"?

You can pick out the outfits...

Outfits.

...the color scheme...

Color scheme.

...and your favorite...

...the "shej-ule."

Oh, the "shej-ule"!

And you said it the British way.

I did.

All right, fine, fine, I'm in.

You had me at "shej-ule."

This is gonna be the finest... Oh.

...Fulton family photo

the Fultons have ever photographed.

Say that five times fast.

I can't.

"Shej-ule." Oh!

Heigh-ho, Daddy-o.

I have great news.

Nina has agreed to help with the photo

because she is such a great event planner.

You left out successful,

but I will let you live to see another day.

Thank you.

Hold on, I thought you were gonna direct this?

Yes, yes, and as director, I have hired...

...uh, was fortunate enough to partner

with such a successful event planner.

Fine. Just get it done as quickly as possible.

No fussing with the lights, no fancy backgrounds.

Just us standing in front of a brick wall

dressed in our New York orange and blue, baby.

Yeah, she loves it.

I hate it. She hates it.

Here is my vision. The family in white

standing outside at magic hour,

the sun's about to set.

It's nature's filter. Yes.

Yeah, I don't-- I-I think...

And the best part is, it has to be done within 30 minutes.

Sold.

Oh, when I was a little girl,

my family took that photo,

and it was magical and... Babe, it's all right.

You sold it. You're good.

But I just wanted to tell him... No, I understand.

You can just, like, tell me the rest at home, okay?

But I just wanted to let your dad know... Shh. Mm...

Be quiet.

Okay, listen, just to be clear,

30 minutes and She Who Must Not Be Named--

Catherine-- must not be there.

Yes, she will not be there.

Good. Great.

Because she'll be here.

My plan is going as planned.

This isn't gonna work.

Sorry, what?

I said this isn't going to work.

One more time.

This isn't going to...

Needed it.

Now, your mother

has a very clever theme,

and that theme is... white.

I want to be dressed as a princess.

Boo...!

You will be wearing this white dress,

and, Trey, you will be wearing

this white suit. Pass.

I want to be Indiana Jones.

Oh. That's badass, man.

I'll get you a hat, a whip, young Asian sidekick.

Nobody is getting a whip or a sidekick.

This is a family photo.

Now go change.

Aw, man.

Poppa's never gonna take a picture with Glam-ma anyways.

Sounds like a big waste of my time.

She's right. I really think you should talk to your dad

and tell him that Catherine's coming.

You do not want an uncomfortable moment

in front of the kids.

I changed my mind. I want to be a cop.

Um, yeah, where did you find those?

Under your bed.

Wh-- Get over here. Get.

Hey, yo, we out. Thanks for tuning in to Pop and Doc.

Remember to set your clock for the next time we rock.

Tickity, tick, tick, tock.

That-That's good.

Isn't it? No.

Well, I know that you love

these new lavalier mics

because we can do this from anywhere now.

Really? Can you do it in your car?

I've done it in my car before.

You're talking about the podcast, right?

Am I? Are you?

Are we interrupting anything?

No. Poppa was just talking about

doing it in the car. Doing what? No.

Doing the podcast in the car.

Is that a vision board?

Yes. I make one for everything.

Samesies.

Yeah, it's for a family photo we're doing.

Oh, now, see, that is lovely.

I always wanted a family photo,

but my mother hated the way

her face looked, so... Yeah.

We didn't even have mirrors in the house.

I didn't know what I looked like till I was 12.

My Aunt Carla said I didn't miss much.

That is so sad.

Well, if you want, you should stay

and hop in for a photo with our family.

Or... don't. Or she can just hop in to one shot.

Or, hear me out, we buy her mother a hockey mask

and let her take her own family photo.

You're so silly.

Hockey masks don't work. We tried it.

Anyway, I'm gonna go home and change

so I can honor your vision.

BRB. All right.

Mr. DeMille,

I'm ready for my close-up.

Daddy, don't.

So... a little birdie told me

that you're trying to cut me out of the family photo.

Tweet, tweet.

That little dodo bird over there and I

had a conversation about this,

and you're not supposed to be here.

Yeah, uh, well-well, technically, you said

you didn't want here there, but now she's here,

which certainly isn't there.

I do not want her here.

I do not want her there.

I do not want her anywhere.

I do not want her in my house.

I do not want her on my couch.

I do not want her

because she's not my spouse.

Shut it, Dr. Seuss.

Whether if I'm here or there,

I'm still a part of this family, and I should be in that photo.

The great thing about family

is you get to cherry-pick who's in it.

Like, ooh, I like this cherry, I like this cherry.

But who is this old, tired cherry with the big drawers on?

Get out of my family, cherry.

Uh, Dad, I think that's the exact opposite

of the way family works.

Although I do love cherries.

Especially the old, tired ones

with big drawers on, Mom.

Okay, look, just so that we're clear,

this juicy cherry has never gotten any complaints,

and I don't even wear drawers.

Mom, TMI.

Uh, look, now, Nina,

I heard all about your vision.

Yes, I was thinking white.

And I was thinking different.

White blows out on film,

and it blows out my behind,

so I thought,

drumroll...

Wouldn't crimson be fabulous?

Red? Yes!

That's just gonna pull focus.

Exactly.

Red it is. Okay, children.

- Who wants candy? - We do!

We do! Nuh-uh. What's my rule?

Never to touch your clothes 'cause they Louis, baby!

Yes.

She'll be in red, all right, because I'm gonna kill her.

No need. I'm gonna set that woman straight right now.

No, Dad, wait. Hush. Sit down.

Look, how long are you gonna let your parents steamroll you?

This little here-there game

you've been playing has not been working.

You don't understand my dad, all right?

If he doesn't get his way, he turns into a monster.

If my mom doesn't get her way,

she turns into an even bigger monster.

Then let Godzilla and Momzilla fight it out themselves.

They'll destroy Tokyo.

And in this, are you Tokyo?

Yeah. I'm always collateral damage.

No, our children are collateral damage

because they are the ones being exposed to all this dysfunction.

And you need to do something about it.

What?

Stand up to them.

Make them see the bigger picture.

You're right.

I'm gonna stand up to them. Yeah.

I'm a man. You're a man.

I'm a man. You a man!

I'm strong. You're strong.

Look at these muscles, babe. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah. So what you gonna do?

I'm gonna stand up to my parents! And when you gonna do it?!

I'm gonna do it right now! Now!

- Junior? - Coming, Mommy.

Oh, my God.

You tell your father that I am still a part of this family.

I spent 36 hours, 27 minutes, and 14 seconds

pushing your big head out into the world.

And all he did was just show up to the hospital and faint.

Yeah, after I saw all that stuff come out on a bungee cord.

Uh, okay, so, uh,

just talked to mi madre, and she said that...

You tell her, I did more than just come to the hospital.

I caught your big head. And you dropped it.

Because it was slippery.

Um, so, uh, Daddy said he saw all this stuff...

I heard what the man said.

Okay. No, you know what?

You tell her, if she want to take a picture,

take one in the house that she bought with half my money.

Ooh, that's a wordy one, but I will give it a shot.

You know what? I get it.

You don't have to tell me twice that I am not wanted.

I've told you six times, and you're still here.

You know what? The seventh time is the charm.

I'll be at Junior's house.

No!

Dad.

Please stop.

I'm not doing this, okay?

She is not my family.

I'm calling this whole thing off.

No, you're not.

Look, all I want is for a simple photo

of my entire family to hang in my house for my children to see.

I'm sorry, I'm out. No, Dad.

I'm not asking. I'm demanding.

I'm not a little birdie anymore, Dad.

Oh, so you're stepping to me now?

Yeah, 'cause I'm Big Bird.

From Sesame Street? Yeah.

The big yellow one.

Well, you take one more step,

I'm having chicken tonight.

He's not... a... chicken.

He's bird-racial.

Well, if you're feeling froggy, then come on and jump.

Oh, you want to poke the bear?

Yeah, I thought you was a bird.

I transitioned.

I'm a bird and a bear now.

So you're a bird and a bear...

Mm-hmm. ...with horns?

Yeah.

And I'm horny.

You better moo... ve.

Okay, listen.

I know this seems very simple to you, son,

but it's very complicated for me, okay?

I'm not doing this.

Okay.

You win.

I'm gonna call the kids over, and then you can explain to them

why you can't stand next to their grandmother

for a simple family photo.

Does that work for you?

One. I'll take one damn photo with her.

Good. Mom,

Dad has something he wants to say to you. I didn't say I...

It's too late. I'm leaving.

No. You drop those bags right where they are,

young, old lady, and sit down!

Pardonne-moi?

Pardonne nah.

I'm not your hot little 13-year-old middleman anymore.

Now you guys stay here and work this out.

Give me that.

Look, Cat, this is...

...really hard for me to say, but

the reason why I wanted a new family photo

is because every time I look at mine,

it reminds me of our failed marriage,

and that's...

that's painful for me.

Okay, listen, I get it, all right?

But besides what happened to us, we got to find a way

to get along for the sake of this family.

Especially the little ones.

They're our legacy,

and it's a damn beautiful one.

You're right.

Trying to erase you from the present doesn't change our past.

And neither does throwing darts at my head.

Or writing "For Freedom" on the memo of the alimony check.

Yeah, well, you can write whatever you want

on the check as long as it clears.

I hate writing those checks.

Oh, but I love cashing 'em.

I know. I see every month.

Just keep writing 'em, baby, keep writing 'em.

Ah, but seriously, Catherine,

I-I was wrong, and I'm asking you,

please be in the family photo.

Say that again.

Please be in the family photo.

No, the other part.

I was wrong.

Fine.

I'll stay. Okay.

And I think you owe Nina an apology. Hmm.

Nina? I'm right here.

Where? Oh!

Uh, okay.

Uh, listen, I'll admit I might have gotten carried away.

Carried away with what?

My vision for the photo.

Like you did when?

Perhaps your wedding. And?

Maybe your 30th birthday party,

which we all knew was your 35th.

And? And don't push it, Polly Pocket.

But I do believe that there is a way

we can blend our vision.

I appreciate your non-apology.

You're welcome.

Kids, you can wear whatever you want!

Yay!

You can wear your crimson red.

You can wear your prison outfit.

Yeah.

While Junior and I

will be glowing in white.

What?

What the hell are you doing here?

He's my father. I invited him.

That's right. I mean, I am a patriarch.

Well, why are you dressed like Santa's drug dealer?

Don't you remember?

This is the suit we wore

in the Top Hat Boys in high school.

It still fits me like a glove.

Yeah, the O.J. Simpson glove.

Come on. One, two, three.

♪ We're the Top Hat Boys ♪

♪ Gentlemanly and exquisite ♪

♪ Our top hats we exhibit ♪

Come on, sing it with me.

♪ No sex till marriage ♪

You will never have sex again wearing that stupid outfit.

He's right, Joseph Joseph.

Don't give me this thing.

Oh.

♪ No sex till marriage! ♪

We're married, so we can definitely...

Uh-uh.

All right, guys, the sun is setting.

Let's go change and get outside.

Yeah? Good idea. Yeah, yeah.

I'm proud of you.

I know it took a lot to stand up to your mom and dad.

Thanks, babe.

Could not have done it without you.

I'm sorry everyone's not wearing all white like you wanted.

Eh. That's okay.

The most important thing is that we're taking this photo

of this big, beautiful, dysfunctional family.

Yeah.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Yes, you were a hot and sexy 13-year-old.

Yes. All right.

Um, if no one objects, I'd like

to stand right next to Catherine. Ooh.

Well, I not only don't object.

I'd love that, Joseph Joseph.

Just no smelling my hair.

That's all right because I've already memorized your scent

and sprinkled it in my top hat.

Mmm. Catnip.

Yuck.

And I won't be standing next to either one of you.

Oh. Well, we'd love that, too.

And I'll be standing next to my wife,

whether anyone likes it or not.

And my mother.

Oh, my gosh.

Traffic was crazy.

I had to abandon my car, take off my shoes,

and Sha'Carri my butt over here.

I hope I look okay.

Yeah, okay, if that's what you're going for.

You know,

I never thought I'd be a part of a family photo.

I mean, I know we're not related by blood or law,

but it feels just as right.

Really. Ah.

Bull's-eye.

Okay, well, if you want some of this bull,

go ahead and flick the horn.

Hmm?

One more time. This isn't going to work.

I don't... Hmm.

Your breath smelled like Tootsie Roll, babe.

The dance.

Like 25 of these, just...

Like, whatever that smell is. Come here.

What?!

That's a great idea. I-I can direct it.

Yeah, good.

Okay, but we got to do it quick because we got...

No. We got to do it soon before the kids get un-cute.

Un-cute? We got to do it cute before...

We got to do it... Okay, we got...

All right, fine, fine. I'm in.

You had me at "shej-ule."

This is gonna be the finest... Oh.

...Fulton family photo

the Fultons have ever photographed.

Say that five times fast.

I can't.

"Shej-ule." Oh!

What's wrong?

I'm "shej-uling." Oh.

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