Original subtitles

Okay, here's

the situation.

Your parents went away

on a week's vacation.

They left the keys to

the brand new Porsche.

Would they mind?

Well, of course not.

I'll just take

it for a little spin

And maybe show it

off to a couple of friends

I'll just cruise

around the neighborhood

Well, maybe I shouldn't

Yeah! Of course I should

Pay attention, here's

the thick of the plot

Pulled up to the corner

at the end of my block

That's when I

saw this beautiful

girly-girl walking

I picked up my car phone

To perpetrate

like I was talking

Sunroof was open,

the music was high

And that girl's

hand was steadily

moving up my thigh

She had opened

up three buttons

on her shirt so far

I guess that's why

I didn't notice

that police car

I can't believe it!

I made a mistake

But parents are the same

No matter time nor place

So to all you

kids all across the land

No need to argue

Parents just

don't understand

Yeah!

All right!

Thank you. Thank you.

Just a little

something I know.

So, what's up?

Someone is on

fire in Ramsett Park.

They need you to get

down there right away.

Oh, my God.

I've been spending

the summer doing

a lot of zoo promotions.

For he's

a jolly good fellow...

Parrots live

a very long time.

So we had a birthday party

for a parrot that turned 60.

...which

nobody can deny

Chimpanzees are very

smart, so we had them

graduate from college.

And they like to fling

their feces, so we were

hoping that they

would fling their hats.

But they just

flung their feces.

The Pawnee Zoo

recently purchased

two South African

black-footed penguins,

Tux and Flipper.

And as part of our

zoo promotion,

we are going to give them

a marriage ceremony,

because they

mate for life.

Tux, do you take

Flipper, to be your

lawfully wedded wife?

I do! I do!

By the power

vested in me from

the Department of

Parks and Recreation,

I now pronounce

you husband and wife!

Oh!

Okay, well,

at least they're married.

Are they making babies?

Well, not those two.

Those are both boy penguins.

I'm sorry?

Tux and Flipper

are both boys.

So you should

have pronounced them

husband and husband,

technically.

That's awesome.

Still, you couldn't

have asked for

better weather.

Brendanawicz,

you big sandwich eater.

Oh...

Cut it out, now.

Just to be clear,

that was a friend punch.

There was

no flirtatious

meaning behind

that playful punch I

just gave your arm.

Yes, I do understand.

You've made it

abundantly clear

that there's no

romantic element

to our relationship

in any way.

Yes. Good. Isn't it

good to be able to just

kind of horse around

like this as friends?

It is. Yeah.

Yeah.

I really hit rock

bottom that night.

And I mean that

I literally fell

to the bottom of

a pit and hit a rock.

I remember

laying there thinking,

"There's probably a good

reason why I'm down

here and single."

And then I started thinking,

"I need morphine."

Oh, yeah, I hear you made

two male penguins

very happy today.

You're making history,

Knope. I like that.

Sticking your

neck out, you know.

No, I didn't stick

my neck out. It was

an accident.

Out of the mainstream.

I think that's cool.

I'm in the mainstream.

Yeah, I know.

No, no. Not out of it.

Social activism.

No! Uh-uh.

People in this

town don't really like

their government

employees being activists.

Last year, a garbage

man was suspended

for wearing

a Live Strong bracelet.

Hey, Leslie, some guy

who owns a gay bar

sent you a cake.

Pawnee has a gay bar?

Yeah.

The Bulge.

It's behind my house.

The Bulge is a gay bar?

Uh, the nights

I've wasted there.

"Leslie! Hey,

girrrrrrrrl!"

With eight R's.

"Thank you for supporting

the cause of gay marriage.

"You rock!

The boys at The Bulge."

They thought that was

a political gesture?

Okay, nobody eat that cake.

Tom? Step into my office.

That's also my office.

Yeah, whatever.

I know that you are not gay.

No, I'm not.

But you're effeminate.

What?

Well, you're wearing

a peach shirt with

a coiled snake on it.

Yes, 'cause it was featured

in Details magazine.

And it's awesome.

Effeminate.

Anyway, so the point is,

do you think that

marrying penguins

made some kind of statement?

Yes. The statement was

that you're very lonely

and you need a pet.

Huh.

Leslie? They sent

you T-shirts, too.

Oh! Wow, look, they

sent us a T-shirt.

Hmm...

Mine has a collar on it.

There she is.

Leslie!

Hey!

Hey.

This is my boyfriend,

Derek, and this is

Derek's boyfriend, Ben.

Hi.

Hey.

Oh! Wait, sorry,

what's the situation?

What do you mean?

How does this work?

Derek is gay,

but he's straight for me,

but he's gay

for Ben, and Ben's

really gay for Derek.

And I hate Ben.

It's not that complicated.

No.

Oh. Yeah. Sure.

The thing about

youth culture is,

I don't understand it.

So what can I

do for you guys?

They just really

wanted to meet you,

because you're kind

of like their hero now.

Oh, oh, April, please,

it was just penguins.

No!

I'm a public servant,

and I'm not allowed

to take a political stance.

But you did,

and it was awesome.

Yeah. None of the other

politicians ever

take a stand,

and it means a lot to

the whole gay community.

It does, and we're

gonna have this party

tomorrow night at The Bulge,

and we had

something to ask you.

We really want you to

be the guest of honor.

Oh, my.

It'd be amazing

if you came.

Yeah, you have to come.

Who made this?

We did.

Yeah, we did.

How?

Photoshop.

What? Oh!

Computers.

Hey, why are you

all dolled up?

It's a long story.

I'm the guest of honor

at this gay bar tonight.

I guess gay men are

starting to like me.

I don't know.

I guess they think

I'm fabulous or something.

Well, you look good, girl.

You're gonna turn

somebody tonight.

That was hands-down

the best interaction

I've ever had with Donna.

Leslie, this is

Marcia Langman from

the Society For Family

Stability Foundation.

Oh, hello.

I love your top.

Oh, thank you so much.

I was just hoping

you had a moment

to discuss the events

at the zoo yesterday.

Well, I have nothing

to do with this, so...

Well, what can I do for

you and those fine

people at the SFSF?

Well, you could resign,

if you're up for it.

Oh, you're serious?

When you performed a marriage

for gay penguins,

using taxpayer money

on government property,

you were symbolically

taking a stand

in favor of

the gay marriage agenda.

Oh, I'm sorry, but hold on

a second there, Marcia.

That was not my

intention, at all.

Well, why else would

you marry penguins?

Because I firmly believed

that it would be cute.

And it was.

Leslie, are you married?

No. Not yet, Marcia.

Soon, probably.

I have a plan,

but, no, not now.

Not dating anyone yet.

Focusing on my career.

I thought so.

So you couldn't

possibly understand,

but when gays marry,

it ruins marriage

for the rest of us.

So, either you

annul the wedding,

or I'll publicly ask

for your resignation.

You know what?

I'm so terrible

with directions.

If I'm headed to

the parking lot,

do I make a left

out of here,

or do I go right?

It's a left, yeah.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Annul the wedding!

Hey.

Hi!

I'm supposed to

meet Leslie for lunch,

but she actually works, so...

Ouch!

Mark was brought to

my hospital the night

of the accident.

He was here for a week.

I think when his

head hit the ground,

it must've knocked

something loose,

because he's actually

a pretty nice guy now.

And Andy, after we

broke up, he told me

he was going to Kansas

to climb mountains.

So, I don't really

know where he is.

Hey, have you seen

that documentary

about food yet?

No, I haven't.

But I heard it's really

good. I want to see it.

We should go together.

What? Yeah, no. I don't

think so. That would

be like a date.

Okay. Say no more.

Mmm.

I hate salad.

Leslie, I don't

want to ever keep

secrets from you.

Oh, me, neither.

Look, let's invent our own

secret language that

only we understand.

And then we can use

it around people

and no one will know what

we're talking about.

Okay.

But in the meantime,

I'm just gonna

tell you in English.

Mark kind of

asked me out.

He weirdly asked me

to go see a movie with him,

and I said no,

of course, but I just...

I just wanted

to let you know.

I'm feeling a lot

of confusing things

right now.

Yeah. No, of course you are.

And your friendship

is the most important

thing to me.

And he's off-limits.

Thank you. I just want

to let you know, I was

really serious

about that secret language.

I know.

I can't believe

this is a gay bar.

Yeah, especially

with that heterosexual

cowboy greeting

us on the way in.

Where should I drink now?

There's a bar on

Eighth Street called

Pitchers and Catchers.

You can go there.

Yeah. Hey!

Okay, listen.

Here's the plan.

Our position is,

we have no position.

So let's just say,

"Thank you for the party,

"but we regretfully decline

your offer to honor me."

Oh, my God,

I can't believe you came.

Hi, April.

Derek! It's Leslie Knope.

Leslie Knope,

you're my hero!

Oh! That's nice.

Leslie, you are

looking hot.

Really?

Thank you, Ben.

I'm really enjoying this hug.

That's so nice,

but I need to

tell you something.

This one is on us.

Well, if it's free...

Leslie Knope!

She's Leslie Knope,

and she wants to recruit you!

No, no, no. Oh, my.

Okay. Please,

please, please, please.

Gentlemen. First of all,

I would just like to say

thank you so much

for throwing me this party,

especially on a night

when the Colts are playing.

We love you, Leslie!

Okay.

This is green.

Leslie! Leslie!

Leslie! Leslie! Leslie!

Leslie! Leslie!

Leslie! Leslie! Leslie!

Okay! Well, I wanted

to tell you

that I wasn't really

trying to take a stand

when I married

those penguins.

Leslie! Leslie! Leslie!

You're chanting my name.

Leslie! Leslie!

Leslie! Leslie! Leslie!

I just have one thing

to say! Together we can

change Pawnee forever!

Let's dance!

Leslie Knope's in

the building, y'all!

Let's get wild!

I've seen so many

dudes from City Hall

here tonight, it's crazy.

But I guess they've

seen me here, too.

So, that's not great.

Hey! Hi. I got your text.

Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah! They're having

a party in my honor!

Go to the bar.

If you're my friend,

you can drink for free!

Oh! Cool! Okay,

and maybe next time

don't use the words

"medical emergency."

I'm so glad you're here!

I'm really sober!

Okay! Get a drink!

You know why tonight's fun?

'Cause everyone's so gay.

And they know

how to have fun,

and the dancing!

Just, it's... Everyone

is just who they are.

And who they are is

just stone-cold gay.

Can't read my

No, he can't read

my poker face

Blah, blah, blah, blah

My, my, my, poker face

My, my poker face

My, my, my, poker face

My, my poker face

I'm having such

a nice time tonight.

I've met many

interesting people.

And there's two

bisexual guys here,

and I got both of

their phone numbers.

My, my,

my poker face

My, my poker face

My, my, my poker face

My, my poker face

My, my, my poker face

My, my poker face

The whole morning.

Show me what's hot

Tell me what I got

Can't read my

Can't read my...

Have fun last night?

I had three

drinks named after me,

so that's pretty fun.

Plus, Ben and Derek

are taking me

shopping on Saturday.

And we are gonna find out

my actual bra size.

I guess I'm kind of

like queen of the gays.

Bully for you.

I just got a phone call.

They want you to

go on Pawnee Today.

Wow. That's huge.

What's the topic?

You.

That Marcia Langman

from the family thing

is calling for

your resignation.

No!

You gotta go on

and defend yourself.

Why? I haven't even

officially taken a stand

on gay marriage.

That's funny.

Somebody just told me

you were queen of the gays.

That was me.

Pawnee Today,

with Joan Callamezzo.

It's kind of like

the Meet the Press

of our town.

It's the big time, Leslie.

Yeah, I know.

It is. I'm nervous.

I just wish I were here

under different circumstances.

Guess who?

Uh... Megan Fox?

One of

the Desperate Housewives?

No, Joan Callamezzo.

Hey, Joanie!

What's up, gorgeous?

Good to see you.

Tom comes on

the show all the time.

Joan loves him.

You have the softest skin

of any woman in Pawnee.

Thank you.

I wish you could reach,

from your TV screen,

and just touch

Joan's skin for a second.

That's sweet.

You'd have a treat.

You're pretty

soft yourself.

How are your

kids doing?

They're pretty good.

Is it tough for

them to have a mother

that is so beautiful?

What's it like being

the most attractive

woman in Pawnee?

You keep up those funnies,

I'm gonna have to

invite you over for supper.

Well, I'll have to

come over for supper.

Oh! You must.

Oh, my God.

Ann Perkins.

How you doing?

I'm good. How was

mountain climbing?

What?

Can I come in?

I just want to talk

to you for a second.

Sure, yeah.

We have a controversial

topic today, the gay penguin

marriage at the Pawnee Zoo.

So, Marcia, what is

all the fuss about?

The fuss is that

Miss Knope claimed that

she was not

advocating for

this gay cause,

and then that very night,

she was the guest of honor

at a pro-gay marriage rally

at a bar called The Bulge.

Miss Knope,

how do you respond?

I'd first like to say

that I wasn't trying to

advocate for anyone.

I did not know that

both of the penguins

were males,

and I was just trying

to perform a cute,

fun ceremony to

promote our local zoo.

I have to say that

that stunt that you did

with the penguins was

clearly over the line.

Now, Marcia, what, if

anything, can Miss Knope

do to make it right?

Joan, we don't want

to be unreasonable.

Of course not.

We think that she should

separate the penguins,

annul the marriage,

reimburse the taxpayers

for the cost of the wedding,

of course,

and then resign.

Oh! Is that it?

That would do it.

Anything else?

You want me to

jump off a building?

Perform hara-kiri?

Move to a different town?

No, I kid.

Full of ideas here today.

This is the reason

why people don't

go into politics.

Because, I bust my ass

for the people in this city,

and I can't win.

I have one night of fun

with some of the best dancers

I've ever danced with,

and suddenly everybody's

freaking out?

Wow, look at that!

Wow, we're lighting up here.

Great. Let's go for it.

Bring it on.

I've never seen that

on our show before.

How does this work?

Well, there...

Push that, and...

Great. Okay. Hey!

You're on the air!

You're on the air! Good!

Yeah, I think that

lady should resign.

Okay, good.

Thank you. Next caller.

You should resign

and repay your salary.

Okay, two for resign.

Thank you. Next caller.

I just want to

say that I love the zoo,

and the zoo is really fun.

Thank you.

That's really sweet.

And I think you

should resign.

You look great.

You look amazing.

Thanks. You look fancy.

Oh, yeah, the monkey suit.

Cost 3,000 bucks,

but totally worth it.

I sold out!

I got a boring

office job in town, so...

I gotta dress up,

you know, the grind.

But I'm really happy,

and I really feel

like I've matured a lot.

Good! That's...

I'm happy for you.

Yeah.

So listen, I was

sitting in the cubicle

the other day,

just doing some thinking,

and some growing...

And some maturing.

Yes! Maturing.

And darn it if I don't

just miss you, and...

Andy.

Well, A-Cakes, just let me...

I love you,

and I'm just really

sorry for the way

that I treated you.

I was the worst

boyfriend ever,

I know that,

and I really think

it would behoove us

to give it another shot.

Yeah, look.

I'm really happy for

you about your job

and that you've

learned some new words,

but I'm sure

about my decision.

Okay. Say no more.

Listen, hit me up

on my cell phone.

I'll be around.

And if you wanna talk,

or grab coffee or

something like that.

Okay?

Okay.

Oh. Gotta get back

to the office.

Have a good one.

Good seeing you.

Bye.

And the hardest part

about living in this pit

is probably keeping

my suit pressed.

And the rats.

It's like a freaking

rat parade every night.

I just want to be

close to her house,

because I need

to protect her.

'Cause there are

some weird people

that live around here.

Yeah, if you let

penguins get married,

where does it end?

I mean, would you let me

marry my guinea pig?

Because I really do

want to marry my guinea pig.

I'll take my answer

off the air.

I think that's

a valuable point.

Attendance is up 30%

at the zoo, by the way.

You're welcome.

That penguin wedding was

cute, damn it. And I'm

not gonna annul it.

I'd ask you to reconsider.

Well, I'd ask you

to stop asking me,

because it's not

gonna happen, Marcia.

Is that right?

Last time I checked,

I don't think I

murdered anyone,

or had an affair,

or did drugs!

But I apologize.

I apologize for having fun,

and for making

something cute!

Where are you

from originally?

Oh, no!

What did I do?

So, you will not be

annulling the marriage?

No. I will not

be annulling. No.

Look at them. They're just

in their own little

penguin love bubble.

I guess that's what it's like

when you meet your mate

and know you're gonna

be together forever.

Hi!

You know what I realized?

What?

We're just animals.

We don't know

anything about love.

Okay.

Yeah.

I think you should go

on that date with Mark.

Oh, Leslie...

Really, seriously.

I thought about it,

and, look, he might

not be my gay penguin,

but he could be yours.

Look, I told you

I'm not going on

a date with him.

Okay, fine. If you don't

want to go out with him,

don't go out with him.

But don't not do

it because of me,

because I'm

really fine with it.

All that's important to me

is that we're still friends.

Me, too!

Good! Great.

Plus, I already called him

and told him that

you were dying to go out

with him, so have fun.

Huh?

So, I transferred

the penguins to

a zoo in Iowa.

Gay marriage is legal there,

so hopefully,

they'll be happy.

At least they'll be together.

Oh, look! Six Flags!

I should take them

on a water slide.

They might die.

But it would be so cute!