Original subtitles

[drum beat]

[tabla beat]

[instrumental music playing]

-I'm doing that.

-OK.

-Honey?

-Yeah?

-How come you don't just get a real tattoo?

-Real tattoos are so permanent.

-What's wrong with permanent?

-Well, if I have a real tattoo, I wouldn't have an

excuse for you to retouch it all the time.

CRYSTAL (OFFSCREEN): Reena, what are you

doing to this place?

It's starting to look like a god damned museum.

-OK, Crystal.

Just one more client.

Then I'll go.

OK, all through.

Just, uh, put your hands up.

[click]

[click]

[click]

[click]

[INDIAN "SHENNAI" (WEDDING) MUSIC PLAYING]

CROWD (OFFSCREEN): [speaking hindi]

PRIEST (OFFSCREEN): Mitch, how many children you will have?

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): You promise to have many children, OK?

Not just one.

Two, three, four.

As many as God blesses you with.

All right?

-[SINGING "VIDAI" (FAREWELL) MUSIC]

-You missed the whole reception.

-Sarita, I'm so sorry.

-Don't worry about Mom.

-Why, is she pissed?

[bhangra dance music playing]

-What's your name?

-Monica.

-No, what's your real name?

-Monica.

-Don't you have an Indian name?

-Monica, come here.

-Oh, gotta go.

-Beti, why do you make your life so much harder, hmm?

I want you to be happy.

Like Suriya.

-I'm not getting married, Mom.

Forget it.

I want grandchildren.

Are you too selfish to give me that?

-Mom, I'm a lesbian.

I'm not sterile.

-Shhh!

Reena, you have no shame.

With all your uncles and aunties over here--

-Let's talk about something else for once.

-This is Madhuri.

And this is Lisa, Reena's roommate from college.

-Mom!

-Madhuri, hi.

-Dangs, come on Cleopatra.

You going to get a drink with me?

Dang, whoo!

AUNTIE (OFFSCREEN): Reena, it's bad luck not to dance at

your sister's wedding.

-Let's dance and have a good time.

-Come on, let's go, let's go and dance.

Come on.

-Come on, Reena, you have Punjabi blood in you, no?

Come on, let's dance.

-Mom?

Mom, are we Punjabi?

-You know absolutely nothing.

Now you take Lisa home.

This is too much tension for me today.

[click]

-Getting any good shots?

-No.

Can't.

It's like, I feel like I'm in drag, you know?

-Actually look like you're in drag.

-Thanks.

-Is your mom uncomfortable that I'm here?

I mean, does she want me to leave?

-Yeah.

I'm sorry.

-No!

That's all right.

-It's OK?

-Yeah.

I'll just meet you out front, hmm?

-Yeah, OK.

-OK.

[MUSIC PLAYING -

[MUSIC PLAYING -

-I thought you two broke up.

-We did.

-Hi Tiffany, you can come out now.

[door squeaks]

-Hi, Reena.

Wow, can I borrow this?

I have this sorority thing I have to get to.

God, it's late.

Um, bye.

-Wait, Tiffany, Tiffany, Tiffany, wait.

Can I see you tonight?

-No, I can't see you tonight.

-Please.

TIFFANY (OFFSCREEN): I can't see you tonight.

BECCA (OFFSCREEN): Why not?

TIFFANY (OFFSCREEN): I have a date, OK?

BECCA (OFFSCREEN): With who?

TIFFANY (OFFSCREEN): With Todd.

And if you're going to be like that, then just forget it.

BECCA (OFFSCREEN): Tiffany!

Tiffany please!

Tiffany.

TIFFANY (OFFSCREEN): Grow up!

BECCA (OFFSCREEN): That's not the point.

-Becca, I told you to stay out of my bed.

-Reena bella.

-Lisa?

-God, are we actually alone now?

-Yeah.

-Nice.

[buzzer]

-God.

OK, I'm in the tub.

BECCA (OFFSCREEN): Hey, Li, it's your mother.

LISA (OFFSCREEN): My mother?

-Hello, hello!

Anybody home?

Hi, Reena, sweetheart.

-Mama.

-Oh!

Oh, give your mother a hug.

-Chatarahamak.

-Your father's driving around the block.

Here, I'm so happy to finally get this out of the house.

His new hobby is taking up all the extra room.

And here, this food is for you.

-Thank you.

-Oh, this--

this is nice.

Oh, I am so happy that my baby's finally settling down.

[car horn]

-That's your father.

Ralph!

I'll be right down.

-Bye girls.

-[inaudible].

-Hey, can you still fit in this?

-You're twisted.

-We should have had a pundit do the havan.

Now go and get Reena.

Hurry up.

Before it's too late to bless this new house.

-(MOCK INDIAN ACCENT) Arey, stupid.

What is taking you so long?

-(MOCK INDIAN ACCENT) I am not knowing how much grass to be

picking.

-You just take a clump like this, and you throw it on

there.

-OK.

-Hey, Reena.

-What?

-I have some big news.

-What?

-Guess.

-Tell me.

-No, just guess.

-No, I'm not--

-Please, please just guess.

-Sarita, I'm not playing, just tell me.

-OK.

Mitch and I have begun trying to get pregnant.

-That's it?

That's so predictable.

-Well, it's something we've never done before.

What?

-Sarita.

-What?

-I'm sorry, did you tell mom.

-No, I thought I'd tell you first.

-Don't do it, if you can't do it seriously.

-I am serious.

Don't start without me.

-OK.

-[praying]

-Wait!

-Cover your head.

MITCH (OFFSCREEN): Hi, hi.

Sorry, I'm late.

I got here as fast as I could.

Did I miss the Ganesha ceremony?

-Pretty.

-Cute.

-Is that how they do it in India?

-Sure.

OK, just like that dry and then wipe it off.

-Cool.

-Dyke?

-Total dyke.

-Total big old dyke.

-Big old dyke.

-Forget it.

She's straight.

-How?

-Socks, man.

No self-respecting dyke would be caught in socks that thin.

-Oh, great, it's Janis.

-Hey, my creds.

-Still scoping, uh, straight girls?

-Hey, check them out.

Knee-high tube socks.

-Hey!

-Lisa around?

-No, she's late.

-Damn, I was just by the restaurant.

When are you going to learn to ride that thing, anyway?

-Dyke.

-Total dyke.

-What did you call her?

-Dyke.

-Dyke.

-That's great.

Why don't you just appropriate the culture of our oppressors?

-Issue dyke.

-Issue dyke.

-Hey, Lisa.

-Hey.

Mamacita.

-Hey, guess what?

Reena's going to be an aunt.

-Hey, Sarita's pregnant?

-She's already pregnant?

-No, no, no.

They're trying to get pregnant.

-What "they"?

What is this all "they're" trying to get pregnant,

because it's-- excuse me?

Hello?

-It's gender-inclusive, Janis.

-Include this.

-Look, their sex life is over now.

I mean, from here on in.

It's all about procreate.

-Ew, please, not in front of the baby dyke.

-That's it.

I'm out of here.

-Now you upset her.

-I'm sorry.

-Let's go get some.

-Why is she so sensitive?

-What about me?

Hey?

Where we going for dinner?

-I told Reena.

-Yeah?

Let me guess.

She was only less than supportive, which only makes

sense, because she has jealousy issues concerning me

stealing away her sister.

-No.

She's happy for us.

-Happy.

-She said that?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Mitch, don't be so surprised.

-I don't care.

-Hey.

-Hey.

-Sorry, I'm late.

-It's OK.

-Hi.

-How you doing?

-Good.

How are you?

-Eh, still not pregnant.

-Oh yeah?

-No, not yet.

-What's the matter, Mitch?

Shooting blanks?

-I know you don't mean to hurt me.

-How do you know?

-Because you have abandonment issues concerning your father.

And it's just a tough act to cover your fear.

And I want you to know that if you ever want to talk, I'm

here for you, OK?

-Yeah, OK.

-Hello, beta.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

This is for the house.

And this is for the baby.

Mom, there is no baby.

I'm going to go and change.

This looks like a reproduction from the Moghul School, but

it's been covered over in brass.

Yeah, Mom had it brassed over to protect it.

From what?

-What?

-Honey, we've always used it for that.

-This is such a comfortable house.

You know, slowly, all my dreams are coming true.

-Mom, one of my photos might be on a magazine cover this

month.

-Hey, that's great.

Mom, isn't that great?

-Mmm.

Reena, you're not even in those pictures.

How can anyone know that it's my daughter's picture?

Besides what kind of field is it anyway?

No stability.

Jumping from one place to another place.

-Well, I don't think stability is Reena's first priority.

-Mmm.

Sariya, I am so proud of you.

This is delicious.

Reena, do you remember the time when you

tried to make sabji?

And you set off all the smoke alarms in the house.

[laughter]

-I can cook.

-Cookie dough triangles don't count.

-I don't understand what the problem is.

I love cooking.

You're the one that never lets me cook.

-No, I love the way you cook.

You're a great cook.

-You being sarcastic?

No!

I'm not being sarcastic.

I think you're awesome.

Look at me.

I'm serious though.

No, I like the way you cook.

I'm just helping, you know?

That is good.

You're doing-- julienne it, julienne.

Who's Julie?

-So, how was your mom last night?

-My family's so weird.

-Oh, step up.

I mean, you're no weirder than anybody else.

If you want weirdness--

-I know.

I've been eating there before you were born.

-Janis.

The hair, the hair's the dyke.

-Oh!

Did Martha Stewart throw up in here or what?

-Nice apron.

-Look.

I don't need this right now, OK?

-Hey, hey.

Don't get all "Basic Instinct" on me now.

-Basic what?

-Forget it.

It's a classic before your time.

-Let's eat.

I'm starving.

-I cooked dinner.

I spent all day cooking.

And you're getting pizza?

-Yeah, it's your day for dinner, Reena.

-She's not a dyke.

[phone rings]

-Watch out.

Put the thing away.

I told you.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Reena, this is your mother.

-Shhh.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Reena, you're going to be a masi.

Like my sisters in India are your masis, you will be a masi

to Sariya's baby.

Now promise you will help your sister.

And call me when you come home.

The lawn is dying.

-Every weekend, I program the damn sprinklers.

-Yeah, so why don't you get it right?

-Yeah.

-Why doesn't Perfect Daughter do it for a change.

-Yeah.

-Sariya's fulfulling like all my dreams.

[beeping]

-Reena!

[speaking hindi]

-[speaking spanish]

-[speaking hindi]

-[speaking spanish]

-What is this nonsense?

Just fix it.

Wasting water.

-Not so short.

Why do you always do it so short?

-That's the style, Mom.

-What do you think about so deeply, baby?

-Well, I was just thinking.

I never have any positive male role models.

You know?

-You know, neither I did.

Who cares?

What difference does it make?

Doesn't make any difference.

Oh.

Who could be coming at this time?

Huh?

Come in.

What a nice surprise.

-Namaste, Auntie.

Namaste.

Some sweets.

-Thank you so much.

-For the sweetest auntie I have.

-Reena!

Raju's come to see you.

-Wow, Reena.

You look beautiful.

-Such a nice boy.

I'll--

I'll, uh, get some tea.

-Auntie, I'll only take if you give with your jelabi.

All right.

Look, I got a proposition for you, make us both happy.

You ready?

Here it is.

I will get everybody off your back and pretend to go out

with you, if you hook me up with your

fine-ass roommate Lisa.

-Are you crazy?

-What-- what's the big deal?

I mean, you guys have separate rooms, right?

I mean, you can do whatever you want with

whomever you want.

I don't care.

-Raju, Lisa won't even come near you.

-Why?

She only likes white dudes?

-No.

She likes Indian chicks.

-I--

I--

I'll be into it if we had to have a threesome.

[door closes]

-You want sugar or no?

-No, no.

No sugar, Auntie.

OK, Auntie, I have to go to office,

because Daddy needs me.

[speaking hindi].

Reena, we'll be seeing each other.

You know what I mean.

-Such a nice boy.

-[speaking hindi]

-It's still not working.

I think it might be time for me to go see a doctor.

-Doctors?

What do doctors know about how a mother has a baby?

-We've tried just about everything.

Maybe something is wrong with me.

-Maybe Mitch isn't doing it right.

Are you sure you two are doing it properly?

-Mom.

-Beta, you take this cloth.

It has some herbal things inside.

You take it, and you put it.

You put it there.

-Put it where?

-Listen to me.

You put it in, and you leave it for 24 hours, before you

take it out.

It will clean out everything for the baby to be born.

Understand?

-I guess so.

Is it Indian?

-No, my Chinese friend gave it to me.

Don't worry, beta, there's nothing wrong with you.

Come.

-Something is wrong with me?

-Wrong is not a term I would use.

There is, however, an unusual combination of physical

attributes.

I think I'm going to recommend that you see Dr. Grant.

-They never know what they're talking about.

Remember, when they told me Reena was going to be a boy?

-Mom, that was a pundit.

-Well, never mind.

-We're getting a second opinion.

-Well, I have the results of the tests we took.

Sarita, you have a condition in which your body fails to

produce viable eggs.

You also have a rare uterine condition that cannot sustain

a term pregnancy.

-What ex-- what exactly are you saying?

-Sarita, it's unlikely you'll be able to get pregnant.

And if you do, unfortunately, you would probably miscarry.

-Is there, uh, anything we could do?

DR. GRANT (OFFSCREEN): Well, in this situation, we would

pursue other options.

-What do you mean?

DR. GRANT (OFFSCREEN): This is not the

time to make any decisions.

You both need time to process.

Just know that I am here to help you in

any way that I can.

Let's talk next week to check in with each other.

-I'm sorry.

-No, no.

It's OK, sweetie.

We'll figure out something together, OK?

[phone rings]

ANSWERING MACHINE: Sariya, this is your mother.

Baby, pick up the phone!

No?

OK.

I hope you're not lying down.

It is easy to be depressed when you do not stand up.

Oh, Sariya, please talk to your mother.

OK.

You don't want to listen to me.

Bye.

-Mom?

[dial tone]

-Mom?

-Hey, come on.

Lying down makes people depressed.

-Maybe some lemon water would help.

-Hey, Crystal's going to let me do the show, you

know, with my photos.

And, um, do you want to come?

-I don't think so.

-Well, you never liked my stuff anyway.

-Reena, this isn't about your pictures.

-Photos.

-Photos, whatever.

-I can't have my own family.

You know?

I know you think it's stupid.

But it's something I've always wanted.

-Sarita, there's other meaningful

things in your life.

-Jesus Christ, Reena.

You're my sister.

You're supposed to give a shit.

-Sarita--

-I know you can't understand.

-I'm sorry.

Sarita thinks I care more about my photos than her life.

[half-sob]

-Don't.

You're going to smear it.

-Did Janis deliver my prints?

-God, I wonder why she'd think that.

-What do you mean?

Well, you know, it's just that you can be a little selfish

when it comes to your work.

-I'm selfish?

-Sometimes.

-It never occurred to me that I couldn't have children.

-I want to help.

-There's nothing you can do.

-There is something I can do.

I can have the baby for you.

-[laughs]

You want to have my baby?

What about being gay?

-What does that have to do with it?

-You mean you would sleep with Mitch?

-No, I could not deal with sleeping with Mitch.

-OK, so somehow, you get pregnant,

and then what happens?

-And then I have a baby, and then I give it to you.

-Have you even thought about this?

-Yeah.

-Are you crazy?

-No.

-You want to get pregnant, carry a child for nine months,

and give it to your sister.

What are you thinking?

You are so weird

-Hey, you said I was no weirder than anyone else.

-OK, well, you win.

You're weirder.

Reena, you're not rent-a-womb.

-Lisa, she's my sister.

-Oh, right, so you owe her 13 chromosomes?

-Hey you were just yelling at me about being selfish.

-Well, yeah.

I mean like don't drink the last sip of soda in the

fridge, replace the ice trays once in awhile, not have a

baby for your sister.

-Lisa, you know what?

She might not even say yes, OK?

-Did you get to that exhibit?

-No, Reena came over.

We just did the usual gardening stuff.

-She didn't actually get off her ass and help you, did she?

Or did you have to do everything?

-No, it's typical Reena.

She disappears to the store for an hour.

And then she comes back with some crazy idea about being a

surrogate mother.

Can you believe her?

She thought she could help by, you know, having

the baby for us.

-Well, what do you think?

Was she serious?

-Well, what difference does it make?

What are you thinking?

-I don't know.

Um, I mean it would be part of both of us,

genetically, I mean.

-But--

are you serious?

-Heh, all right, well, let's look at the advantages.

A, it would look like both of us.

And honey, it would be a beautiful baby.

And B, I mean, we wouldn't have to wait around for the

adoption agency.

-Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Mitch.

Do you hear yourself?

You're talking about Reena.

My flaky sister who thinks she's an artist.

-Well, honey, she's not going to be the mother.

You're going to be the mother.

And come on, sweetie.

I mean, she's sort of talented.

-So how was your date last night?

-Who?

-No-Agency Melissa.

She's emotionally unavailable right now.

Anyway, she reminds me too much of my mother.

-Your mom's a dyke?

-My mom's a dyke.

-Hey, my mom's a dyke too.

-Your mom is not a dyke.

-So?

-Hey, my mom got this new haircut, a bi-level.

And she has this favorite jacket she wears every day.

Members Only.

-Big old dyke.

Ook.

-See I told you my mom was a dyke.

Oh, hey, Sarita.

How's it going?

OK.

-Now, you guys are all wimps.

Why don't you get real tattoos already?

-Lisa's got permanency issues.

-I know what you mean.

-She's really good, huh?

-They're really nice.

Reena, that's not how you draw an ohm.

-It is too.

-No, it's not.

Let me wipe?

-She's kind of better than you.

-No, she just wasn't drawing it right.

Um, can we talk privately for a minute?

-Yeah.

-What you're offering is big.

-So we're going to do it?

-No, Reena.

You know, you know, Mom would never go for this.

-Yes, she would.

-It'd be so complicated.

And I don't think I could handle it.

-Sarita, this can work, I promise.

How do we even know you can get pregnant?

-Well, everything came back normal.

Reena, if you decide to get pregnant, I can't foresee any

complications.

-Yes!

-Great.

That's great.

Of course, my lesbian sister can have a baby.

Mitch will be so happy.

Yeah.

-Why do you want this so bad?

-Come on, Lisa.

She's my sister.

Ooh, hey check it out, Lisa.

If you hold your head right, you can block out New Jersey.

-Lisa, she's my family.

OK?

-[sigh]

I guess nine months isn't that long.

[knocking]

MITCH (INSIDE RESTROOM): Uh [clears throat]

yeah, um.

-Great.

Um, just one more time.

Give the cup and this cooler to the nurse when you finish.

Don't worry.

Take your time.

-We're ready to get started.

Are you both OK?

-Mm-hmm.

-Good.

OK, Reena, you ready?

Just relax, and think nice thoughts.

-[sigh]

REENA (OFFSCREEN): [clears throat]

-You move into a neighborhood, and they build a Kmart down

the block.

-I never even go there.

-Oh, please, you go there all the time.

-Yeah, like that 24-pack of toilet paper

came from the deli.

It came out of your ass.

-That's really witty, Janis.

-What's the difference between Bengali and Indian food?

-Um, Bengali food's from Bangladesh.

Let's go in here.

Come on.

Come on, Janis.

-Hey, look, it looks just like Reena's apartment.

-Oh, lay off, man.

I just moved in.

-You'll want it, Becca.

-Hey, I thought you lesbians liked to cohabitate.

-Uh, excuse me.

What do you mean, "you lesbians"?

-Oh, I'm bisexual.

-Hello.

-Oh, please.

That whole bi-phobia thing's so '95.

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

-Yeah.

[kissing sounds]

-Eh.

I'm sorry.

Those clinics.

Masturbating so everyone knows what you're

doing is not great.

-Hey, I'm not asking you to masturbate.

-You know, it's embarrassing.

I mean, all those women in the waiting room, and they know

what you're there for.

They see your cup.

-Mitch.

You're being so self-absorbed.

-It's for the baby.

I have to conserve.

-So you'd rather save it for the magazines.

-No!

No.

I'm saving it for the baby.

And--

and you know I don't use magazines.

You know how I feel about what they do to women.

-OK, it says here to pee directly onto the stick.

So--

-Oh, I think maybe I should be the one peeing on it.

-I'll be outside.

-Ma-ji, we want to tell you something.

-Sariya's pregnant.

I knew it.

I knew it just by looking at her.

Mothers know.

It's like we have a fifth sense.

-See, Mitch?

She already knows.

It's like a fifth sense and all.

-Sarita.

-Well, tell me.

What happened?

-I can't go back to that hospital.

-You've always felt fertile.

-You call Reena, and you tell her to stop this nonsense!

Oh God, I had to live to see this day.

It's not natural.

-Maybe we could do it at home.

-No.

No.

-OK.

Want to try?

-Reena!

Thi--

-OK.

-No way!

-Do I have to touch it?

-I ain't touching it.

-I'm sure they could be a lot more precise at the hospital.

-I don't think precision is an issue here.

There's only one place for it to go.

-Reena and Lisa aren't exactly health care professionals.

-[laughs]

-I'm ready.

-Hold on.

-Just stop watching me, OK?

You're making me very nervous.

-Oh, OK.

I'll just close my eyes and spread.

-Reena, just-- just work with me, OK?

I mean--

shit.

-Lisa!

-Just one second.

-OK.

-Um, so at the hospital, they had this thing called sterile.

-Come on, sweetie.

All that female energy in one room?

It's got to be good for the baby.

-Is this turning you on?

-What?

-Gross, Mitch!

That's my sister.

-Come on, sweetie.

-Yeah, get off me.

I mean it, get off me!

-OK, got it.

-Don't come near me.

-What, should I rub it off with some alcohol?

LISA (OFFSCREEN): What?

What's wrong?

Christ, forget it.

[laughs]

-So, uh, how is "it" going?

-Uh, why does Becca know something and I don't?

-Because I happen to be in the loop.

You got a problem with that or what?

-I'm getting pregnant for Sarita.

-Pregnant?

You and Mitch?

-No.

Reena and Mitch's sperm.

-Yeah, just be glad that Lisa didn't make turkey tonight.

You know what I mean?

-See, I get the sperm from Mitch.

And then we insert it.

-Uh, Mitch inserts what exactly?

-Lisa inserts it.

-I'm sorry, Lisa.

-People do this all the time.

JANIS (OFFSCREEN): Not to Reena.

-Yeah, picture Reena with an ovulation kit.

-Yeah!

Reena.

You're just being used to perpetuate the heterosexual

family model.

-Yeah.

Your body is a battlefield for birth control.

-Good, honey.

-Guys, after she has the baby, all of our lives

will go back to normal.

Uh, dessert anyone?

-Is she all right with all of this?

[pots clattering]

LISA (OFFSCREEN): God damn it.

Fuck!

-She'll be fine.

LISA (OFFSCREEN): Fuck!

-Reena, pick up some haldi.

-The yellow one?

-Yes, the yellow one is haldi.

Can you get some rice please.

A b- bag.

-Hey, mom.

Look.

-What is this nonsense?

-Uh, come on, Mom.

Aren't you even a little excited?

-This is not your baby.

This baby belongs to Sariya and Mitch.

You shouldn't even talk about a baby

until you have a husband.

-[exhales]

Are you OK?

-Yeah.

-Did it all go in?

-I don't know.

-Well, can't you feel it?

-Not really.

-Should I?

-I don't know.

-Honey?

Honey?

-Hmm?

-I read that, um, I read that if I have an orgasm, then, um,

it would increase our chances.

-Uh, Reena, I can't--

-Well--

just please?

-Reena, that stuff really smells.

-You could just try.

-Babe, I don't know how to do it.

I'm not going to try.

-Come on.

You don't have to go down there.

Just try.

Honey?

-Yeah.

-Li.

-Yeah?

-This--

this isn't happening for me.

-Good, because it ain't happening for me either.

Phew.

God.

-I'm going to make a sandwich.

Want a sandwich?

[phone ringing]

-Just let the ma get it.

-Yeah, we're here.

Hi.

Oh, you did.

Oh, that's great.

Oh.

Yes, so the motorcycle can be affecting this.

Thanks.

Yep.

[hangs up phone]

Well, that's it.

I was right.

The motorcycle has to go.

-OK, I'll hotwire it in the middle of the night.

MITCH (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, right.

And drive it away.

-Why not?

MITCH (OFFSCREEN): Why not.

-I know how to drive it.

-Honey, You driving a motorcycle is about as likely

as Shiva having a penis.

-That makes no sense.

MITCH (OFFSCREEN): Yes, it does.

Think about it.

-Shiva is a man.

-No, he's not.

All Indian gods are genderless.

[pushing phone buttons]

-Mom.

-[scoffs]

-Shiva's a man, right?

Does he not have a penis?

Wait, one sec.

MOM (OVER PHONE): Beta, don't use that word.

Of course, Shiva is a man!

How could he be married if he wasn't a man?

Parvati is his wife.

And Ganesh is his son.

-OK, wait.

Mom, mom?

Thanks.

I don't need Reena showing me how to be a woman and you

teaching me how to be Indian.

-Have you ever thought about having kids?

-Yeah, sure, why not?

You know, just not now.

-Well, when?

-I don't know.

I'm going to prep the baster.

-Hi.

-Hey!

Got the batch?

Thanks.

-Listen.

I was thinking, maybe the motorcycle's jiggling you too

much.

-What?

Like it's confusing the sperm or something?

-No, no.

Maybe Lisa's not doing it right.

Maybe she doesn't know-- know, well, you know.

-Mitch.

Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

[car horn]

-No, no.

No.

I just--

I just want you to have the baby.

-OK.

-Thanks.

SARITA (OFFSCREEN): What's going on?

-Nothing.

-Nothing.

Um, I'm going to get back to work.

See you.

-Come on.

Let's get in the car.

-Why are you so quiet?

-This is such a mess.

I know you want to help, but this is not working.

-What are you talking about?

-Um, [hindi]

please.

[hindi]

I want you to stop trying.

-Sarita, we're trying to get pregnant.

You can't just change your mind like that.

-Well, my life is changed.

I planned it around a baby I can't have.

I just need to stop and think.

Maybe I wasn't meant to have a baby.

-This whole idea was stupid.

Nobody really wants this baby anyway.

REENA (OFFSCREEN): It's going to hurt if you

keep moving like that.

-(IMPLORINGLY) Crystal!

CRYSTAL (OFFSCREEN): Reena?

Reena?

Please let me do that.

Go on and finish up that pedicure.

It's OK.

Just relax.

-[exhales]

Mitch?

Can we have a listening moment please?

-Sure.

What's on your mind?

-I feel it's this situation is having an adverse effect on

our relationship.

And I told Reena to stop trying.

-Reena's backing out and you're

covering for her, right?

-She's not backing out.

I've decided--

-Look, I know it's been difficult.

It would be for any couple.

But, under the circumstances, I think we're

doing pretty good.

-Mitch, you know-- that's it.

I feel like I've been doing this for everyone else.

And I don't want to do it anymore.

-You don't want to have a child?

-No.

Not like this.

-All right.

-I'm sorry.

I can't.

We it's all right.

I mean, at least you tried.

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

-I know.

Bye-bye, baster.

-Whoa!

Wha--?

You're throwing away the baster?

-Yeah, like I'd ever cook with that?

-Maybe I want to cook with it.

-Maybe you've developed an unhealthy attachment to it.

-Define unhealthy?

[laughing]

-Do you love me?

-Yeah.

Of course, I love you.

REENA (OFFSCREEN): Lisa.

LISA (OFFSCREEN): Hmm.

REENA (OFFSCREEN): I want to tell you something.

LISA (OFFSCREEN): Mmm.

OK, just give me a second.

REENA (OFFSCREEN): Sarita!

Sarita!

Look!

-What?

-Two pink lines.

-Oh my god.

-Can you believe it?

-What?

What are you sa- what are you saying?

-And I didn't get my period.

-What are you telling me?

You're saying you did not get your period?

-No.

-(LOUDLY) You have not menstruated?

-No.

I haven't.

SARITA (OFFSCREEN): Typical Reena.

Why does she always have to screw everything up?

MITCH (OFFSCREEN): Everything's changed.

She's pregnant now.

SARITA (OFFSCREEN): Nothing's changed.

And I told her it would be best for all of us if she

didn't have it.

And Mitch, let's just keep Mom out of it this time.

MITCH (OFFSCREEN): Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You said that?

How could you say that?

-We talked about it.

We agreed it was a bad idea.

-No, we never agreed.

And how could you speak for me?

You had no right.

-I thought this was a woman's right.

-Yes.

But what about my rights?

I mean it's my child too.

Don't I have a say in this?

And don't say I'm acting like some Neanderthal, imposing my

will.

-I cannot hear this anymore.

-It's all about you and Reena and the baby.

And I can't-- you know, I'm so sick of your PC bullshit.

You haven't even made love to me in months!

-Oh my god.

I've got a pregnant girlfriend.

-That sounds so weird.

-It is weird.

-I told you this whole idea would

bring nothing but trouble.

-I can't believe you told her.

-What was I supposed to do?

I'm pregnant now.

-And you're going to keep the baby?

-It's my baby.

-No, you deliberately chose a lifestyle that does not

include babies.

-It does too include babies.

-How are you going to raise a baby without a father, huh?

-Mom, you did it.

-But there is a father.

-Dad was never around.

-She's not talking about dad, stupid.

She's talking about Mitch.

-You should really stop calling me stupid.

-Stop it, both of you.

Sariya, you and your husband have a baby coming now.

-Mom, Sarita doesn't even want it.

-Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Could you take our picture please?

-I'll do it.

Could you stand right there?

OK, wait.

Move that way a little.

Great.

Sorry, a little--

OK.

SARITA (OFFSCREEN): Reena.

-Wait.

-Take the damn picture, for Christ's sake!

-Artist, heh?

-Beta, you should be making up and getting

ready for the baby.

-I'm not pushing my life aside because Reena's pregnant.

-You are ruining your life.

-We can make this work.

Please.

I--

I have to figure out what I want.

I just need some space to think.

I'm sorry.

It's just too important.

-I can't believe Reena and I are the only ones who care

about this baby.

-I also care about the baby.

-I know it's going to be difficult, but you know, I

don't know what else we can do.

-[expostulates]

What about us?

I thought we were a couple.

-Yeah, some couple.

You haven't even unpacked yet.

-You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

Have you looked into schools?

I mean, do you know how much a kid costs?

-Lisa, why don't you believe we can do this?

-Reena, nine months was one thing.

This is totally different.

-Yeah, it's jus--

I knew I couldn't count on you.

-That's so off.

-Hey, what's up?

-Hey, do you have your keys?

-Where are yours?

We're locked out.

Can I have your keys?

-Here.

-Thanks.

Reena.

-Is she OK or what?

-Yeah, she'll be fine.

-Shit, Janis, I'm fucked.

It's all fucked.

-What, you mean that whole pseudo nuclear family, diaper

changing, who's going to pick up the kid from school, we

should get a dog because Heather has two mommies,

lesbian parental lifestyle?

-Can we talk about something else?

-Oh, sure.

-Good.

-How was your date?

-Ha.

Who, Velveeta Lara?

The process queen of Brooklyn?

She's emotionally unavailable right now.

Call me back later.

This is when I can't stand being a lesbian.

I mean, all this bullshit.

We were never like that.

-No!

We were young and-- and-- untainted, man.

-Absolutely.

-Yeah, that fucking emotional bullshit.

-You slept with her?

-Yeah.

-She was my first girlfriend!

-So what?

You slept with mine.

-That's not the point.

-Take a pill!

-I can't fucking believe you did that.

[laugh]

-But you know, at least the boundaries have been

established.

-Boundaries are overrated.

-[exhales]

-Come on.

-But--

-What?

-I'm--

-That was nice.

-Janis, it's the last thing I need right now.

[distant door opening]

-Honey?

I'm going to go to my mom's for a while.

I just need some time by myself.

Reena?

-I'll tell her.

-You're doing the right thing.

-Thanks, Tiffany.

[click]

-Lisa, what are you doing?

-Your hair looks nice.

Uh, new color?

-When are you going back home?

-I thought you said that I'd always have a home here.

-Well, don't be such a smart-ass.

Is something's going on with that Janis?

-No!

Oh, please.

Nothing.

-Thank god.

I mean, that one was a nut case, you know?

-I just need some time to think.

-What's to think about?

Are you still in love with Reena?

-I love Reena.

-So moda fatto.

The deed is done.

If you love her, you'll stay.

It's simple.

-No, Ma.

No moda fatto.

OK, it's a baby.

You know, I don't want to act like everyone else.

-Oh, no.

You're different.

You leave your pregnant girlfriend.

-Ma!

It's not even mine!

-Huh, that's what they all say.

Isn't it good that you're so different?

-Sorry I freaked out.

-Lisa, I just want you to--

-You know, Reena?

It's not fair expecting me to be a parent.

OK?

It was never part of the plan.

And I don't know what you're doing.

But I'm not going backwards.

I can't.

-I don't think of it as backwards.

-Yeah, well, it is.

Everyone I went to school with has 2.5 kids and a mortgage

and husbands that don't come home.

-You're not like that.

It's not going to be like that.

-Reena, you don't know what it's like.

-Lisa, I'm having a baby.

-Yeah, like you always wanted.

-You know what?

At least I'm not afraid.

-Reena, who are you doing this for?

You're the one who's afraid, you know.

-Hey, sis.

Lisa's not back yet, and I was wondering if you could just--

-I'm really not interested.

-What's your problem?

-What's my problem?

You always do whatever you wanted.

To hell with everyone else.

You're hopeless.

I thought I was ready to have this baby.

Look at you.

You're going to be a mother.

[music playing]

-So what do you want to do now?

-To hell with it.

Let's have a baby shower.

-I'm really sorry to hear about you and Lisa.

I mean, it must be really hard to be alone especially now.

-I'm not alone.

She just needs space.

[buzzer]

-Oh yeah.

That's what she told you.

LORETTA (OFFSCREEN): Hello, hello!

JANIS (OFFSCREEN): You invited Loretta?

Ohh.

-Hello, everyone.

Oh, Reena, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

I'm late.

You know, Ralph likes shortcuts.

Me, I take the LIE like a lady.

Reena.

You look beautiful.

You're glowing.

Isn't she, Janny?

-Oh, yeah.

-I brought you a book.

-Thanks.

-What is it? "Heather Has Two Mommies."

-No, it's newer.

-Heather had two mommies?

-[sighs]

Janny, step into my office.

Quit being such a smart-ass.

JANIS (OFFSCREEN): [remonstrating]

LORETTA (OFFSCREEN): If you messed things up for Lisa, I

am going to out you to your father.

JANIS (OFFSCREEN): (WHINING) I haven't done anything.

I haven't even seen her.

LORETTA (OFFSCREEN): Mm-hm.

[doorbell]

-Hi.

Listen, I--

can I--

can we talk?

Can I--

uh Can I touch your stomach?

You miss her, don't you?

-I never thought I'd lose my sister.

I wouldn't have done all this if I

thought that would happen.

-I meant Lisa.

-Do you think this child will help Reena?

-What do you mean help?

-Maybe it will finally make her want a husband.

-I don't believe it.

-Maybe it will help her with her--

you know--

disability.

-Mom, stop calling it that.

Reena's gay, not disabled.

-Shhh.

What is this gay-shay?

I thought Reena talked like that, not you.

You should know better than that.

[MUSIC PLAYING - THE SPINANES, "ENTIRE"]

-You know, personally, I wouldn't take her back if she

kissed my ass in Macy's window.

-Yeah, you don't want to be one of those couples that are

together for the kid.

-Yeah, yeah.

I'd rather raise it on my own.

-Yeah, me too.

[door chimes]

-Forget it, Lisa.

It's too late.

-Beat it, Becca.

-Come on.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-So, uh, I'm afraid.

-Me too.

-Reena, I still don't know if I can do

this whole baby thing.

-You can't be with me and not the baby.

Do you understand?

-[sighs]

It's not just the baby.

It's your family.

OK, your mom still thinks that I'm-- you know, your roommate

or something.

Who's to say you won't give in and just

settle down with Mitch?

-Look, Lisa.

I'm in love with you.

You have to believe that, OK?

Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm not a big old

dyke still.

OK?

(WHISPERED) OK.

-[sniffles]

-Co-parent?

-He is the father.

-Have you thought about the possible legal repercussions

of all this?

Are you out of your mind?

-Oh, please, he doesn't want custody.

He doesn't want to take care of it 24 hours a day.

He just wants it when it's convenient.

-When is it convenient?

Look, Mitch is a good person.

And I think he'd be a good father, if

you had to have one.

-I just think you're going about this too naively.

-We're talking about Mitch here.

I mean what's the worst that could happen?

-I believe that I am prepared with an answer.

For the day before yesterday, I was coming

home from my own home--

-How much of "The Iliad" can anyone take?

[music playing]

[music playing]

TIFFANY (OFFSCREEN): I can't believe you slept with her!

BECCA (OFFSCREEN): But we broke up.

TIFFANY (OFFSCREEN): But that's not the point.

Are you crazy?

BECCA (OFFSCREEN): No!

TIFFANY (OFFSCREEN): Oh, fuck you.

-Tiffany!

Not fair.

-Look, Reena!

Even she's wearing a sari.

Huh?

Indian fashion is even coming here now.

I, uh, I read an article.

They say there's a gene.

But how?

There was no one in the family before you.

-Mom.

They would have been killed in India.

Hey, what about your mom?

You're always saying she got married late.

Maybe she was a lesbian.

-You're talking about my mother?

She would never wear those shoes.

-Um, all I'm saying is anyone in your family

could have been gay.

You never know.

-[chuckles]

-What?

What?

Mom, what?

-I never thought I'd live to hear the day when you call

your grandmother a lesbian.

Ah, beta.

When I had you, I held you to my chathi.

And I promised that I would give you

everything in this world.

That is how you will feel when this one is born.

[door rattling]

-Wake up, wake up, where is Reena?

She's still sleeping?

Come on!

The eighth month is beginning.

It's time to do the ceremony.

Hurry up.

-Uh, Reena, something's happening.

-I thought you'd like these a little bit better.

-Thanks.

-Uh, Reena.

You-- you sit here.

You take this umbrella.

Now open it!

And hold it over her.

You are like the brother.

-Sorry.

-This is a symbol of protection.

You promise to protect your sister.

All right?

Now this is a ceremony to bless the new baby.

I've done this twice for both of them.

You--

you are the--

like the husband.

You sit here.

And Mitch--

all right.

Open-- open this.

I will put these almonds in your lap.

They are a-- a symbol of--

of, uh--

fertility.

Now, everybody.

What-- what to do.

Oh god.

[music playing]

-Now one of the things we need to do today is to begin to

work with the different kinds of body positions that women

have historically worked with to birth their babies.

-Reena, don't sit like that.

You'll put pressure on the baby.

It'll come out with a funny head.

-That's not true.

-It's just another old wives' tale.

-Are you saying that I'm too old?

-No, shh!

Shh!

-No, Mom.

No, you're not too old--

Wait - we won't able to hear.

[cacophony of voices]

-All right!

Forget it.

Everybody just leave.

You can't handle this.

I'll find a new partner.

Go, go.

I mean it.

Get out.

Go.

-Too many cooks?

-I'm sorry.

-[speaking hindi]

-Thanks.

-You think Reena's going to like this new dress, huh?

-Yeah, Mom.

She always likes the dresses you buy her.

Haven't you noticed that over the years?

-You know, you should stop being so selfish, huh?

You're going to be a masi now.

-And the kinds of sounds that are useful are the

open-throated sounds, because the throat is very connected

to the vagina.

So when you're open in your throat, it's very likely

you're going to be opening through your

cervix and your vagina.

-OK, don't make me laugh.

I'll pee on you.

-[open throated sounds]

-OK.

OK.

OK.

-All right.

You ready?

-Uh-huh.

-Push!

-[deep grunt]

[laughing]

-Push!

-[grunts]

-Nooooo!

(SOBBING) Honey, I can't--

I know you can do it.

-I want some painkillers.

I know you can.

Come on.

-[grunt]

-Good, good.

-Can you give her some drugs?

-No, I don't want any drugs.

-Reena, take the drugs.

-No.

-You're doing this on purpose!

-Do you ever get those pains in your stomach?

-Oh, constipation?

-No.

You get those pains in your ovaries.

It hurts.

-Ovulation.

-No.

You know when you see a baby, and your clock starts ticking?

-Maternal instincts.

-Yeah.

I've never gotten those.

-Once I had constipation, and my ex-girlfriend got me this

tea called Smooth Moves.

It's supposed to be gentle.

-[panting]

DOCTOR (OFFSCREEN): You're getting there.

OK.

-You did this to me.

-You begged me.

-Why'd you do this to me?

-I didn't, I didn't.

-All your fault.

DOCTOR (OFFSCREEN): Looking good.

OK, you can start pushing whenever you're ready, OK.

Mitch, hold on to her leg right here, OK?

Right here.

That's it.

REENA (OFFSCREEN): [groaning]

-I know you can do it, Reena.

-Push!

Come on!

Harder.

-It's a bunny.

See?

I mean, that wasn't so hard.

What's taking Reena so goddamn long.

-One last good push, OK?

-OK.

DOCTOR (OFFSCREEN): Just one will do it.

One last one.

Come on.

REENA (OFFSCREEN): [screaming]

[baby cries]

DOCTOR (OFFSCREEN): Oh, Reena.

You did it.

-[belch]

-Good girl.

[mewling baby noises]

-OK, I'm going to go now, OK?

-No, wait.

Please.

See her?

That's your masi.

Say hi, masi.

-(TEARFULLY) Hi masi.

Your baby.

-[speaking hindi]

-Ohh, honey.

She looks just like you!

-OK.

It's time to take the baby back to her mother.

-Congratulations.

[general glee]

-Is she all right?

-Now, hurry up.

We're going to be late.

-OK, OK, I know.

The, uh, baby ceremony.

[music playing]