Original subtitles

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah... ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Always blames it On Christmas ♪

♪ This has become ♪

♪ A Christmas tradition ♪

♪ To blame it on Christmas ♪

♪ Go ahead and blame it All on... ♪

♪ I said, everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Always blames it On Christmas ♪

♪ This has become A Christmas tradition ♪

- ♪ So blame it on Christmas ♪ - ♪ Oh, you can blame it ♪

♪ Cinnamon spices Fill the room ♪

♪ Family members ♪

♪ Will be here soon ♪

♪ The snowfall makes Good, full snowballs ♪

♪ Red and white Christmas lights ♪

♪ Fill the malls ♪

♪ Something "bout them Bells jingling ♪"

♪ People mingling ♪

♪ Brings out The crazy in us all ♪

Hey, monkey, when"d you get back? Last night.

How was your research retreat?

It was great. I learned a lot,

and, um, Forsite is doing some great initiatives

in developing nations, especially Botswana.

I heard our company was doing great things.

That"s so interesting.

Not as interesting as that shirt you"re wearing.

Can we talk about that for a second?

What, you don"t... You don"t like this?

I was just trying something new. Yeah, no.

I picked up your dry cleaning

and folded all the laundry.

Uh, how does pot roast sound for dinner?

Emma, it"s been two years since Mom.

Honey, you don"t have to keep taking care of me like this.

You have potato chips and vodka for dinner when I"m not here.

It"s been two months. You"re probably half-potato by now.

What was that message that you left about the lake house?

We"re not going for the holidays?

Yeah, I just wasn"t feeling it this year.

God, we"re so behind here.

We still have to decorate the house.

- The tree. - Get the tree.

Brandy?

"What is she doing back at her parents" house?

I thought she lived in Los Angeles.

Uh, no, actually she"s lived all over for the last year.

She was the road manager for The Seven Strokes.

Was she "Head of Stroking"?

"She tired of traveling, so she moved back into her folks" house,

-which is empty. - How do you know all that? Have you talked to her?

Well, she"s been back a few months, so yes.

You"ve just been gone for most of that time,

so you probably just didn"t run into her.

Thank God.

Shit!

What? What are you doing?

- Get down! - Come on. Get up.

Don"t let her see you!

What is wrong with you?

No, don"t!

- Hi, Brandy. - Hi, is Emma here?

Yeah.

Oh, hey! How are ya, lady?

- It"s been a minute. - Ten years.

Right. Well, I heard you were out of town.

Welcome back.

Anyway, I just wanted to come over and holler at ya.

Uh...

also, I wanted to say that I was really sorry

to hear about your mom. She was a badass.

Do you remember that time she took us to the mall,

and we bought those bras with the pineapples on "em?"

How could I forget?

My mom was pretty distracted back then,

going through the divorce and everything, and...

Well, Jo was really sweet to me.

I"ll never forget it.

Joanna. Nobody called her Jo.

Okay... then.

Well, maybe I"ll see you around.

You tell her.

I know.

Emma.

I know you"re going to your dad's

for Christmas, but New Year"s,

you"re going out with me and my girl Lola.

That sounds fun, but Dad and I always watch...

- Please don"t finish that. - Ryan Seacrest"s Rockin" Eve.

Oh, God. All right.

Well, Hot John from PR... You know Hot John?

Oh, Hot John. The... The swoopy hair?

Uh, he"s having a party.Oh.

And I don"t like dudes,

but I"ll go if you"ll need a wingman.

We"re gonna get you in an outfit the breeders find sexy.

You"re gonna get drunk and laid

like a normal 20-something-year-old human.

I"m normal.

You cook your dad pot roast,

and I can bet the blazer you"re wearing under there is from Talbots.

I"m sorry for helping my lonely widowed father

through a hard time. I"m a monster.

Here"s the real question. Are you helping him or yourself?

Is he lonely, or are you?

Ouch, Charlyne. I"m sorry.

But eventually your dad is gonna find

friends his own age and start dating,

and where"s that gonna leave you?

Your dad"s getting laid, and you"re not? That"s bottom.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dad"s not getting laid, okay? - Right.

It"s been two years. Yeah, two years.

Two years. Two years.

- What are you talking about? - T-Two years. Really?

When"s the last time someone touched your shame center?

Oh, you mean my mistletoe?

Yes, your south pole.

My happy valley.

No, no, no, your snowflake valley.

Right.

Ugh! The last time someone jingled my bells...

Mmm-hmm. Including myself?

Yes.

I"d say watching The Mandalorian

a few nights ago. Do not distract them.

The only thing you nerds should be thinking about

is solid-state lithium batteries.

Pick that up.

Say hi to Daddy for me.

You"re fired. I don't have the authority to do that, but if I did...

Is he in, Beatrice?

Yes, go ahead, hon.

Nice jacket.

Hey. What"s up, Dad?

Pickup truck sales. Classic is in again.

Classics are never out of style.

Ooh, I forgot to tell you,

I have a breakfast meeting this morning, um...

Oh, okay, I was just wondering

what day I should come up for the holidays.

Yeah, I"ve been meaning to talk to you about that.

- All right. - Just kind of a logistical thing,

but we don"t have to talk about it now. We can talk about it later.

"Logistics." Did you turn my bedroom into a gym or something?

No.

♪ Yo, yo, yo ♪

♪ You know what it is ♪

♪ Turn it up Uh-huh, let"s go ♪

♪ Walk in the place I own it ♪

♪ Walk in... Walk in the place, I own it ♪

♪ Walk in... Walk in the place, I own it ♪

♪ Walk in... Walk in the place, I own it ♪

♪ Walk in the place I own it ♪

♪ Need all the attention And I need it on the daily ♪

♪ Spotlight queen Put the cameras on me ♪

What are you doing here?

I"m here to gab with your dad.

He didn"t tell you?

Brandy"s my breakfast meeting,

which was supposed to be at the Russell Street Deli.

Oh, right. Well, that explains the dress.

Well, actually I left a message with Bea

that I"d come here instead.

Yeah, mmm.

Didn"t get that message.

Uh, why don"t we go back inside? Come on.

Oh, I guess we double-dunked.

But you can never have too many holes.

Some of us max out at two.

So, what are you meeting with my dad about?

Well, I just got a job managing a bar downtown.

The Raven, you remember it?

Of course, I mean, who hasn"t puked in a bathroom stall there?

Or peed in the alley, right?

Anyhoo, Forsite Motors is gonna be a sponsor

for our New Year"s Eve concert

- for homelessness. - You"re for homelessness?

You"ve always had a funny sense of humor.

That"s redundant. But my dad"s not the one

that you talk to about sponsorships.

Well, Jack said he could handle it this one time.

You didn"t mention that, Jack.

Oh, um, it wasn"t a big deal.

The concert"s gonna be fun.

So maybe we could all go together.

I like fun.

Your musical taste runs from Bruce to Springsteen,

so, maybe we should all just get back to work?

I"m sure you have dressing rooms

that need to be restocked with gin and herpes meds.

Um, all right, let"s go.

- Brandy? - Yeah.

Come on.

Yeah.

How annoying is she?

She"s meeting with my dad?

I know, and I can"t believe

she had the nerve to come up to this office.

What? Bea?

Oh, this isn"t their first meeting.

Wait, meeting or... meeting?

Mmm-hmm.

You just have to tell her.

I know I just have to tell her, it just...

It"s not that easy. It"s Emma, right?

What the... Oh!

Just...

"Very well, young lady, drive safely."

"Thank you, kindly sir."

Anyway, I have to get back to the office.

Is there any chance we could...

- Bye-bye. - Can I see you tonight?

Yeah, well, make sure you turn off...

- I said "bye-bye." - the porch light.

Wha... stop.

Rape. Stop raping my dad!

- Oh, shit. - Shit.

- Shit. - Wha...

Here you go.

That should do it.

♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪

♪ Went up the water spout ♪

♪ Down came the... ♪

Okay, here"s what obviously happened.

That Venus fly-snatch

preyed on you during a vulnerable time.

But it"s not your fault.

You"re just a lonely old widower

whose only female connection now

are the local news weather ladies.

Brandy and I are seeing each other.

Like... seeing each other"s...

privates?

Geez.

Just... Just stop it. I need to get it out.

Stop, stop, stop.

Please. Okay, I have to get out of here.

I"ve...

Dad?

Brandy and I are the same age.

We went to school together.

We bought the same pineapple bras.

Yeah, that"s not ideal, but a lot"s changed since then.

I didn"t even know you were friends back then.

We weren "t.What I"m trying to say is,

you should get to know Brandy now, like I did.

She"s fantastic. She is.

She"s generous, open-hearted,

- beautiful. - Oh.

I"m gonna punch you in the throat, widow-raper.

What?

Okay, you know what? No.

Emma, come on out here. Let"s talk.

Emma...

Will you please...

I like it here.

I live here now.

Okay.

I"m really sorry that you had to find out like that, okay?

I kept telling your dad we should just treat this

like a bikini wax. Just rip the strip.

She did. She said, "Rip the strip."

It may hurt like hell at first,

but then after that, it"s all... it's all smooth.

You know? And I told him you"re the smartest girl I know,

-and that you were mature enough to handle this. - Oh, did you?

And I knew that if you had time to really think about it,

you"d see that you"re not losing him,

- you"re gaining me. - Oh, am I?

Yeah. We really...

We weren"t trying to hurt you.

So, the two of you are "we" now?

- And I"m just me? - Oh.

- Yeah, but there are no sides. - No, we"re all in this together.

In what together? Your vagina?

No...

How long has this been going on for?

How long?

Two months.

- Two months? - We didn"t plan it.

It just sort of happened... - Yeah.

Emma?

Brandy and I are spending the holidays together.

And we want you to join us.

Thank you for your offer,

but I am otherwise engaged for the holidays.

You don"t have other plans.

I will be building my bunker

and collecting my end-of-days supply,

because a shroud of darkness has descended on the world.

Evil has won

and Christmas

is fucking canceled!

I can"t believe it. It"s a nightmare.

My dad is having sex with "Handy" Barnes!

What"re you doing?

The saltshaker.

Pepper grinder. This is fun.

"Ooh, shakin" the snake.

What... Oh, stop it! Oh, gross!

That is not my forte, but I know that"s not how you do that.

Who is "Handy" Barnes?

Brandy. We went to high school together.

She was my nemesis.

- She even stole my crush, Josh Jamison. - Oh.

And now she"s dating my father.

Gross, yeah, that has a certain "ick" factor to it.

Oh, you think? Our lockers were next to each other.

We spent afternoons together because study hall

and detention were in the same room.

Oh... oh, my God.

I borrowed a tampon from her once after gym.

I think that makes us Eskimo sisters.

No, it doesn"t.

God, what is my dad doing?

I mean, what could he possibly see in her?

Do you have a photo?

I know, she"s attractive.

No, no, no.

If I wasn"t dating Lola, I would literally step over your corpse

to cup those tits for five seconds.

- Not helping. - Listen,

it is in a dude"s DNA to try and bang the hottest,

youngest chick he can.

Mick Jagger"s partner is, like, the same age as his grandkid.

Gross.

And he"s a Rolling Stone. My dad has gallstones.

- You got a hot dad. - No, I don"t.

Uh, yeah, he has foxy dad vibes. I"m sorry.

How would you like it if I started dating your father?

You"d be the older woman, because he"s dating

his nail technician and she"s 22.

Yeah, after the third marriage, it gets a little blurry,

but I do get kick-ass nail art from this one.

Just please be on my side.

I am on your side... always. Probably just a sex thing.

You just gotta wait it out.

It"s when they think they"re in love

- that things get dicey. - In love?

Emma?

Oh, hey, Charlyne.

Um, could I talk to my daughter?

Yeah, sure. I was, uh, just on my way out.

I actually have a date with my own twenty-something,

smoking-hot girlfriend. Up top.

Sorry I didn"t tell you sooner.

I wanted to wait

to see if it was something real.

And then you were gone for a while,

and I guess it was hard to bring up.

"Hard to bring up"?

You negotiate with union bosses.

I"m harder to talk to than Fat Frank?

You"re my daughter. It"s different.

And I don"t want you to take this the wrong way,

but you can be judgmental,

and I was afraid that you might not approve.

Well, I don"t.Well, I see that.

You"re, like, 25 years older than her.

Aren"t you embarrassed when you go out together?

- Why would I be embarrassed? - I don"t know,

because you look like an old fool who"s being taken advantage of.

And people feel sorry for you.

In my circles, I"m a hero.

Guys high-five me on the street.

- Charlyne just did. - Yeah, well, that guy"s a traitor.

They say 50"s the new 30.

You"re 54 and a half.

I just never thought about you dating

anyone, ever.

Does it have to be now? Does it have to be her?

- Could it be anyone but her? - Emma...

You should be dating someone your own age. Like Beatrice.

Brandy makes me feel young. What"s wrong with that?

What"s wrong with that is that you"re not young.

You have a bad back.

It"s only a matter of time before you hurt yourself

doing some freaky sex shit.

You two are total opposites.

You"ve had one job for 30 years.

You married the love of your life.

She spent the last year driving cross-country

in a smoke-filled sex wagon

with a bunch of sweaty dudes.

I know this is overwhelming,

but Brandy has brought a spark to my life

that I really need.

It may not last, but she makes me happy now.

It"s not that I don't want you to be happy, but...

Just come spend the holidays with us.

Just give her a chance.

I don"t know if I can.

Well, just think about it.

For me.

Dad and I have spent every Christmas together

since I was born.

We"re each other's only family now.

I don"t think I can spend a week with him and Brandy.

So, how do we avoid a bloodbath?

- Booze? - Okay.

Or you could take the high road, get through the week,

and let the relationship fizzle out on its own.

What?

What?

I... I have to do something.

If she and Dad don"t see how wrong they are for each other,

then I have no choice but to show them.

Or you could be the bigger person

and process your emotions like an adult and...

Break them up. Yeah, I agree.

I"ll do it by Christmas.

You got four days, kid.

I can do it.

God bless us, everyone.

What about It"s a Wonderful Life?

Oh, well, that"s a classic,

but now you like classics.

I do.

Hey, guys.

Happy holidays.

She came!

I"m so happy you're here!

Me too.

And I"m sorry about the way I reacted the other day.

Um... the news was just shocking.

Yeah, I know. Listen, even if we aren"t

spending Christmas at the lake house,

we can still do all the same stuff, right?

Drinks at the country club. Our annual holiday party.

Ice skating on the lake, if you want.

Of course, it"s tradition.

Hi, welcome.

To my own house? Thank you.

I"m sorry, that was rude, um...

I wanted to apologize for

calling you a widow-raper the other day.

That"s okay.

Hey, fresh start.

What? That...

That"s my mother's apron.

You"re wearing my dead mother"s apron.

Oh, shit. I didn"t know.

- Oh! - Oh! Emma!

Wait, wait... Are you okay?

No, no, no, don"t touch me.

Okay.

Well, that"s new.

What, this? Yeah, well, yeah.

Of course we moved a few things around.

What is that thing?

We went artificial this year "cause Brandy has allergies."

Sometimes I... I get a little sneezy.

Where are all my trophies?

Um, they"re right there.

We were hoping you"d take 'em home.

- I-I need some air. - No, no, no, no, hey...

What can I get ya, doll?

What I don"t need is some kind of old-timey hipster slang.

Not in the mood, newsie cap.

Just a friendly gesture, ma"am.

Vodka tonic.

Coming right up.

Here you are.Thanks.

Sorry, it"s just been a rough night.

That"s what we're here for.

Port in a storm.

God, who... who says stuff like that?

You know what? I"ll tell you who.

Pretty people who think they can get away

with anything they want

at regular people"s expense.

I"m just saying, you would never be able

to get away with a phrase like "port in the storm"

if you didn"t look like that.

Look like what?

Okay, that"s gonna be $8.

Emma Lockhart? Holy shit.

You used to be Brandy Barnes" next-door neighbor,

- right? - Yep.

Josh Jamison. Jay-mo!

From high school. I used to date Brandy.

Oh, hey.

Josh. Yeah!

- Shot of tequila. - That"s more like it.

I"ll join you.

How long has it been?

Long enough.Cheers.

Old times. Old times.

Whoo.Yeah.

You home for the holidays?

Yeah.

And get this, uh,

I"m actually gonna be spending it with Brandy.

Get out, really? Yeah.

She"s dating my father.

Wha...

Wait, like "dating" dating?

- Like "dating" dating. - No!

How sick is that?

Wow.

You would totally high-five him

if he were here right now, wouldn"t you?

If it felt right. Welp, I"m just gonna be

trapped in my dad"s house like The Shining.

I"m sorry, I do feel like that would be kind of weird for ya.

- Right? Thank you. - But on the bright side,

it"s only a couple of days, right?

You"ll get through it.

I don"t know. Tomorrow night,

we"re supposed to go out with my dad"s golfing buddies,

which... is usually fun,

-because they"re like my uncles. - Uh-huh.

Now it"s just gonna suck.

- I just have to stay focused. - Focused on what?

Do you wanna join us tomorrow?

Are you asking me on a date?

Yeah, kinda.

- Uh... - No, not really.

But...

if my dad"s gonna bring the ditzy party girl,

then I might as well bring the meathead bartender

and see how he likes it.

Gotcha.

Normally I do like being used

as a pawn in a crazy chick"s revenge fantasy

because that means mind-blowing sex.

But in this case, I think I"m gonna pass.

- Thank you, though. - Okay, wait, um,

-what if you come with me tomorrow? - Okay.

And my dad and I throw our Christmas party here on Friday?

Tons of tips. So you wanna buy me?

- Like a whore. - The Pretty Womankind.

There is no Pretty Womankind.

Okay.

Hear me out.Okay.

I will guarantee you a $2,000 bar tab.

- Everyone needs money, right? - Guarantee?

- Yeah. - You hear this, Ant?

- Sounds pretty good. - Mmm.

I have been saving up for a new camera.

For high-resolution dick pics?

Environmental portraiture.

Hmm. That"s cute.

That"s condescending.

Okay, look.

I wanna make a point to my dad.

Uh-huh. And you want a new camera.

It"s a simple transaction. Do we have a deal?

Uh, no, don"t do that.

Eh, what the hell.

Screw it, I"ll be your whore.

Besides, I wouldn"t mind seeing how Brandy"s boobs have

held up after all these years.

Pig, I can"t believe I... You what?

To be clear, Uh-huh?

- I am not interested in you. - Mmm.

"Cause it takes a lot more than karaoke-ing Kid Rock to get me in bed these days."

Is that line pretty long? To get you in bed?

I have a boyfriend.

No, you don"t.

Otherwise you wouldn"t be asking me to do this.

Another shot?

Yeah.

Emma Lockhart.

In the flesh.

So, what are we doing here?

I figured that we could use some alone time together,

so I made us some appointments.

What kind of appointments?

I thought that we would get our makeup done

for the country club tonight.

Oh, really?

Wow, that"s so nice of you.

Yeah, I guess we do have a lot

- to catch up on, too. - Hello, ladies!

You here for your appointments?

- How fun! - Whoa.

Oh! Are you two sisters?

- God no. - Why would you think that?

Okay...

let"s get started.

So perky.

I"ll be right with you.

Roberta!

He is so sexy.

I wanna do dirty things to him.

- Me too! - Filthy.

You know, I don"t understand,

how can you wanna do filthy things

with Ryan Gosling and my dad?

Oh, they"re both sexy in different ways.

Are you screwing my dad for his money?

You know, my dad invented the key fob,

so I have a trust fund,

not that I"ve ever taken a single cent of it,

because I"ve always taken care of myself, so no, wrong.

Okay, so...

your dad set up a trust fund because he felt guilty

about breaking up your family so now you"re looking

for a new daddy?

You"re saying that I have daddy issues?

Wow, isn"t that the skunk calling the rose stinky?

It means your shit stinks.

Your shit stinks. I don"t shit.

Look, I spent most of my 20s dating

self-centered man-children who cheated on me.

Your dad is honest.

Strong. He"s sweet and funny.

Funny? You know, I"ll give you the rest,

but the last thing my dad is is funny.

Well, maybe you don"t know him as well as you think you do.

I know him better than he knows himself. You know nothing.

Do you have some fetish for old guys?

Like a chubby chaser kind of thing?

You wanna hop on pop?

Your father is a spectacular lover.

Would you like me to go on?

No.

Okay.

Good talk.

- Holy shit... - This half of the face...

It"ll be done, trust me.

- Okay. - I just wanted to give you a little glimpse!

♪ Pow pow pow Back for me, boy ♪

♪ I"m tryna tryna tryna tryna Pop for ya, boy, listen ♪

♪ Let me let me look Back at ya, boy, yeah ♪

♪ Pop for the boy, yeah You the one, boy, listen ♪

♪ Pow pow pow Back for me, boy ♪

♪ I"m tryna tryna tryna tryna Pop for ya, boy, yeah ♪

♪ Let me let me look Back at ya, boy, yeah ♪

♪ Pop for the boy, yeah You the one, boy, listen ♪

♪ Get what I want Get what I want, boy, listen ♪

♪ Get what I want Get what I want, get it get it ♪

♪ Get what I want Get what I want, boy, yeah ♪

♪ Get what I want Get what I want, get it get it ♪

We look like a Russian kingpin and his high-class hookers.

Good evening, sir.

Cool T-shirt.

It"s nice to see you and your

daugh... Nie... Sister?

- I"m his daughter. - Right.

- She"s boning him. - Language, monkey.

Let"s hope she doesn't get it on

- in the bathroom. - Let"s.

Let"s meet the mayor first.

Mr. Hackett. Mr. Murphy.

- Hi. - Oh, look at you.

All grown up.

There"s my girl. How are ya?

Good. Mr. Portnoy.

Oh, you look wonderful.

I hear you"re doing great things at the company.

Oh, thank you, yeah, Dad and I...

Tom. Hey, Elliott.

It"s been an interesting couple of days.

- Hello, gorgeous. - Looking good, Brandy.

Jack, how did you manage to land a girl like Brandy?

- And how can I steal her away from you?

I sure am grateful, every day.

Aw, it"s easy. Jack is a great person.

- Cares about his family and his friends. - Mmm.

Hey, I"m here to see Emma Lockhart.

Oh, that"s a bit of a buzzkill,

but she"s right over there.

Let me know if you need anything else.

Hey.

You look like you

came from a John Wickconvention.

- Thank you. - Um, I can"t believe I"m saying this,

but I am so glad that you"re here right now.

- You did bribe me to come. - "To-may-to," "to-mah-to."

Okay, so here"s the deal.

Apparently, Brandy has every guy in a ten-mile radius

under some sort of T&A mind control,

including my dad, but you"re here now, and you"re my Brandy,

so we just have to give him a taste of his own medicine.

And you didn"t have to dress up so nice, but it"s okay,

he"s gonna hate you anyway.

I wouldn"t count on him hating me.

So here"s the plan.

My dad is very goal-oriented.

He"s big on achievement, and, you know,

you have a dead-end job and no prospects,

and you used to drive a foreign car, so...

Do you normally get what you want out of people?

No, but it"s wartime, so,

you know, people do crazy things. Hey, Dad?

- Oh? - You remember Josh Jamison, right?

The D-student who used to block your driveway

- with his Toyota? - That"s me.

I think so. Hey, Josh.

- Hey. - Well, anyway,

Josh and I reconnected the other night,

and, I don"t know, sparks flew.

Honey. Josh works as a bartender now.

Oh. Do you garnish your Manhattans

with maraschino cherries?

Not unless that"s a euphemism for a sex act.

Oh! Good man.

- What can I get ya? - Bourbon, straight-up.

- Bourbon, straight-up. - Yeah.

What the hell? I mean, we"re like two silverback gorillas.

We recognize each other in nature.

Mmm, Josh.

So, Josh and I were thinking about taking a road trip.

You know, meander around,

find ourselves, pierce some stuff.

- I don"t know, go to Coachella. - Mmm.

You should.

You know, I never did enough traveling

when I was young like Josh.

Emma here, she works too hard.

- Mmm. - Probably got that from me,

but Brandy"s been really helping me relax lately.

It"s made me so much happier.

Who knew that I"d still be finding myself at this age

and that I"m still finding life so surprising...

Oh, there"s Brandy! Hi, Brandy!

Oh, your dad"s great.

She"s lulled him into some kind of poontang fog.

Fog of whore.

I don"t know, some bartender.

Are you ready for round two?

I was born ready.

- Oh, shut up. - Wow, really?

- Oh. - Huh!

Josh Jamison.

- Brandy Barnes. - Come here.

- Hi, babe. - How"re you doing, baby?

You"re really wearing that suit.

Oh, and you in that dress.

Remind me again, why on Earth did we break up?

I obviously made a huge mistake.

Oh, yeah, you definitely did.

- Ooh, someone"s been working out. - Stop.

Hey, so are you still doing the whole photography thing?

- I am. - Wow, well, do you ever shoot bands?

Because, um, I"m putting together

a little New Year"s Eve concert and we could really use a photographer.

That"d be great, yeah.

I could definitely do that. I"ll text you.

I"ll text you.

- Great. - Great.

- Great. - Great. Hey, guys.

Oh, babe, you met Josh, Emma"s date.

Oh, Dad, she knows.

Actually, Josh is one of Brandy"s ex-boyfriends.

- Yes, that"s right. - Yeah, yeah.

You"re the man from her past

that I"ve got to live up to? The one who got away?

Oh, God, no.

No, no, no, no, we were kids.

He was a boy. And you"re my man.

I"m a man, too, believe me.

But you gotta admit, this is kind of weird, right?

I mean, Josh is my date. I"m your daughter.

You"re her boyfriend, and she"s Josh's ex.

Kind of funny.

Right?

- Dance with me! - Oh, sure.

I made it a rule. Never say no to her.

- You know why, Josh. - Of course not.

- Smart man. - Yep.

Wow.

We"re dancing.

Okay, I guess we"re doing this now.

Hey, I hope you know, I really am trying.

Oh, I know. I really appreciate it.

I think she just needs a little time.

Yeah. Come here.

Ow! Okay.

What are we doing here?

I"m just trying to make the show a little more convincing.

Very nice.

Some participation from you would help.

I thought my part"s just letting you fondle me.

I got it.

That"s nice, yes.

There, you got it.

Oh, my God, they"re looking. I"m trying to make a point.

Would you just help me out here? Yes, yes.

Oh, my God, kill me.

Let"s just give 'em a second.

- Probably the wrong move. - Yep.

- Okay, I"m sorry. Um, that was bad. - Yep.

I"m sorry, I"m sorry, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let me guess, the sabotage isn"t going according to plan.

That"s an understatement.

No, no matter how hard I try to undermine Brandy and Dad,

they somehow rise above it.

I even brought Brandy"s ex-boyfriend to dinner, and he"s so...

- Back up, you did what? - Never mind.

You know, I may have lost the battle tonight, but tomorrow is a new day.

And it will be filled with family traditions

that will remind Brandy that Dad and I are a unit.

She"s the third wheel.

Okay, so you"re gonna use your childhood memories for evil?

No. She can"t just show up on Christmas

and wave her magic tits around

and think she"s instantly part of this family.

I"ve earned my spot.

Well, you were sort of born into it.

You should"ve seen her, Charlyne.

Cooking dinner in my childhood home like she"s my mother.

And then trying to be my friend.

And then flirting with my date

in my face.

I"m sorry, what is it that you"re mad about right now?

All of it.

Will you come over Christmas Day?

I don"t know if I can handle it alone.

No... I don"t do well with family drama.

That"s why I'm not spending the holidays with mine.

I can never pick a side. Drunks versus racists.

I know it"s a lot to ask.

But I guess I"m asking.

If it"ll help put an end to this whole thing

and end this phone call, I will do it.

It will, I promise. I love you.

Okay, love you, bye. I"m so sorry.

Who wore them better?

Yeah, well, clearly I did.

If I don"t look good, you don"t look good.

Oh, what"s all this?

Just your standard uniform for cookie baking

- and tree decorating day. - Oh.

- Mmm. - I didn"t get the memo.

This tastes just like your mom"s.

They"re not as good as hers, but...

Wow, cookies for breakfast.

Thank you. Usually I"d be getting the spins around this time of day.

Coffee.Mmm-hmm.

Oh, there are mugs too? That"s cute.

Sorry, only two.

Here you go.

Mmm, let"s decorate that tree.

Perfect.

Oh, we can"t forget these ones.

Oh...

How adorable is this?

That"s one of my favorites.

Aw, I don"t remember making anything like that growing up,

but I guess we were more of a tinsel family.

Don"t worry. I got us an ornament too.

Here, look.

Thank you.

- You like it? - Yes!

Nice, right?

Here. Here. Come on, let"s hang it up.

- Near the top. - Okay, okay, give me a boost.

- Perfect. - I love it.

Thank you, babe.

- Look at that. - It"s beautiful.

All right, it"s photo album time.

So cute. Wait, wait.

Oh...

- Remember that? - Yeah.

Oh.

You have to give us credit.

We really landed our single axel.

Yeah, but then you totally wiped out

in spectacular fashion.

I really love that lake house.

Such great memories there.

Yeah.

Oh, I"m sorry, maybe this isn"t the best time.

Oh, no, no, no, I love it.

I... I wanna know about your family traditions

because it"s part of you.

I don"t know.

How great is she, huh?

So great.

We should get ready for the party.

Your mom was pretty.

She was.

She was also a lot more than that.

I know.

Sorry, but you didn"t really know my mom.

You know, the year before my parents got divorced,

it would get pretty ugly in our house.

So sometimes I would just leave and...

walk anywhere for as long as I could.

And then one day, your mom drove by,

and she picked me up.

We went and had coffee, and we talked.

And we probably did that

five or six times.

She never said anything.

She probably knew it would embarrass me.

It was kind of our little secret.

But she really saved me back then.

That"s the kind of person that she was.

Oh, I"ve been meaning to show you this.

I found it in my old room.

Look at that.

Were we actually friends for a minute back then?

Yeah, I think so.

So...

uh, the party tonight,

it"s gonna be an interesting mix of people.

What does that mean?

My friends and coworkers,

Dad"s friends and coworkers

and some of your old buddies

that Dad probably hasn"t met yet.

Blaze, Stretch, No-Neck,

the old gang from detention.

Well played.

Why does it feel like an eighth grade dance in here?

Oh, that"s because our friends

and Brandy"s friends have nothing in common,

which hopefully Dad is finding that out right now.

Which one"s No-Neck?

The one with no neck.

We are definitely

the coolest ones here.

For sure.Mmm.

Why does it feel like a morgue in here?

Oh, it"s by design.

Josh, this is Charlyne.

Yeah, that tracks.

And this is Beatrice.

- Hey there, honey. - How"s it going, Beatrice?

Dude, she got game.

Yeah, she does.

- Hey. - So, what did you think of Brandy"s old gang?

- Interesting folks. - They are.

But I was just saying, we need to do something

to liven up this party.

I know one sure thing

that works every time.

Oh, yeah. Beer-lympics.

Beer-lympics!

- Get the shots. - It"s tradition.

Salud.

Put it on your head. This isn"t really my kind of night.

- Put it on your head. - This is great.

All right, who"s next?

Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Does he really have to take his shirt off to do that?

Does she even own pants?

Hold my beer.

Dad... Dad?

Shit.

Okay.

Here we go!

Dad? Dad, you don"t need to take that... Oh!

Yeah!

- What"s going on? - Arm wrestling.

- I"m taking bets. - Whah!

- You too, Bea? - Yeah!

I am taking bets!

Taking bets! Give me that money.

Okay, thank you. All right.

Oh, shit! Sucks for all of you.

Four over here, thank you!

Money? Yes. Yes!

- Good luck. - Thanks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dad,

you don"t need to... Please don"t.

- No, no, no, I got this. - Come on.

Okay, okay.

Go easy on him, he"s got a bad back. You got this, baby.

Come on, Jack!

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack...

Aah!

Gotcha!

Baby! Yeah!

Told you you had a hot dad, whoo!

- Dad, no. - You ready, Gramps?

Dad, should you really be doing a keg roll with your back?

Maybe you should sit this one out.

No way.

We each have a medal.

Tiebreaker.

Do you really feel good about beating a man 25 years older than you

in a physical challenge? Just be the bigger person.

You"re telling me to be the bigger person?

You"re not competing against him for anything.

Unless... you are...

fighting with him for Brandy or something.

Of course not. But what if I was?

That"d only be helping you, right?

Oh, Dad! Oh!

- Oh, my God! - Dad, are you okay?

Oh, I"ve got him, I've got him. He has to lay flat.

Ah, yeah, I"m fine.

I"m fine, I'm fine.

Ugh, fine. I just... oh!

- Sorry, dude. - I just need to pop it back.

No, I got you. Turn around.

I... This doesn"t seem like a good idea.

It"s deep in there? All right. Here we go.

- Yeah, okay, yeah. - Ready?

Oh, my God!

- One more, maybe faster. - One more, one more.

- One more. - Yeah. A little faster.

- Oh, God! - That"s not getting it.

- Get him. - Maybe do me from behind.

- Behind? All right. - Yeah.

- It"s deep in there. - Yeah, yeah, no.

- I can barely get it. - Okay, this is not...

- Oh, God. - Oh, God.

Oh, wow!

Ah, I feel so satisfied.

This is for you, champ.

Later.

Later, man.

Baby, maybe we should get you home.

Yeah, maybe I"ll call a car.

- Dad, I"ll take you. - No, we"re hosting

this party, we can"t all leave.

You guys stay. I"ll go home.

You stay and have fun. That"s an order.

I"m so proud of you, babe.

That"s a legend right there, everyone.

Okay. Who wants to do shots?

How am I ever supposed to trust her?

That she"s not gonna hurt my dad?

You trust him. And he"s a grown-ass man

who can make his own decisions.

I do trust him.

All right, then let it go.

Maybe worry about your own life some more.

Hey.

Hey.

Emma... hello?

Maybe part of your problem is you don"t even realize

when a hot guy is trying to get your attention.

Look, I know we didn"t really, um,

know each other back then, but...

I...

I used to have a crush on you

back when you and Brandy were together.

Rea... No!

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

Oh, I"m sorry, I... I literally had no idea.

It"s fine. You know, I managed to survive without you.

- Yeah. - I lost my virginity to Peter Grumbauer.

- Sorry about that. - No, it was great actually.

Yeah, he read a lot of books about female anatomy.

There you go. You were probably better off.

My moves at the time were quite basic.

- You know, three pumps and done? - Gross.

I"ve gotten better since then, though... at sex.

But not talking.

You know, it"s not that I didn"t ever notice you.

I"d see you reading or whatever, and...

Ugh, I don"t know, this is gonna sound corny,

but... you had a certain beauty in your solitude.

Um...

you know, try not to look into this, but...

do you maybe wanna get out of here?

Whoo! Yeah!

What is wrong with me?

No, no, no, I thought she was gonna knock over that tree.

With that bony ass?

She has nowhere the amount of force

or weight necessary to move that sort of mass.

Okay, no, that was bad timing.

No, that was bad timing, it was a half-second of distraction.

No, you know what? Guys don"t ever mature.

Like, look at my dad.

Just, all men are ruled by their dicks.

They have one dick driving the boat,

and then they have all these thousands of little dicks in their head,

-just telling the big dick where to go, so... - Okay.

Can you not make this more than it has to be?

What can I do?

You can hit on Brandy. For real.

- No, I"m serious. - Come on.

- Come on. - No, I"m serious.

You"re a lady-killer, right? Yeah. And you"re great at sex.

And you two still have some sort of chemistry going on, and...

it"ll be one last test.

Because if she hooks up with you,

then she shows her true colors, and I win.

But if she turns you down, then I get to see you rejected, and I still win, so...

it"s a win-win for me.

And you"d rather see me do that

than continue whatever is going on here?

Yeah.

- I really need to know. - Really?

Fine.

Ah... by the way,

nobody turns this down.

You"re the worst.

Hey!

Oh!

Cover your dongs, gentlemen.

Open the door.

What the...

What the hell are you doing?

What are you doing in a bathroom stall with Josh?

We"re having a smoke. Why?

What did you think we were doing?

Wait a second, you thought we were hooking up in there?

I can"t believe that you would think so low of me

that you think I would cheat on your dad.

I would never cheat on your dad because I care about him, and I respect him.

I would never jeopardize what we have

by banging the guy who didn"t get the Jeep commercial.

- Hey. - Yeah, he"s way hotter than a guy in a Jeep ad.

Yeah, thank you.

What?

Wait,

is he the reason for all of this?

God, you don"t even remember, do you?

What?

I told you that I had a crush on him.

I opened my fragile teenage heart to you,

and instead of being a good friend,

you yanked his crank right in front of me.

I didn"t think it was a big deal.

I mean, you never said anything.

I was hurt.

Because you made me think that

I wasn"t good enough for him.

Did you even notice that you and I

stopped hanging out completely after that?

It"s just, I thought you were busy

with college applications

and Peter Grumbauer.

Whoa.

Was I an insensitive bitch to you?

Those are a few words for it.

Just a selfish, teen monster.

I"ll allow it.

Emma, I"m sorry. Truly.

Thank you.

Emma, I really hope that you can forgive me.

It was a long time ago, so, maybe I can try.

Okay, because really, like, there"s no reason

for us to be fighting over this Riverdaleextra.

Justin Timberlake backup dancer.

You"re starting to hurt my feelings.

We are two strong, independent women.

We are... are too smart

to let some guy come between us.

Yes, absolutely!

- Totally agree. - Great.

So you"ll stop seeing my dad?

I"m sorry, what did you just say to me?

So you"ll stop... seeing my dad.

- Did you hear this chick? - Mmm.

Wow!

Cool, so you... Nothing has changed, huh?

Yeah, you are still the same judgy, petty,

passive-aggressive A-hole you were ten minutes ago.

The same girl who spent the entire week slut-shaming me

and calling me stupid.

Do you know what"s stupid? Being mean-spirited

and trying to shut people out who just want you to like them.

And do you know what happens to people like you?

They end up alone.

God, I have done nothing but try to be kind to you,

and I"ve taken a ton of shit from you,

so guess what?

I am done!

I am done trying to win you over.

In fact, no, I am done with you, period.

Okay, well, I may have taken things too far...

You know, I was never competing with you for your dad"s attention,

but if you are psycho enough to think that I"m trying to steal him away from you,

then fine! Huh?

Maybe I"ll do that!

Yeah! You know, we talked about him retiring early

-and moving to Los Angeles. - What?

Mmm, the West Coast sounds pretty fantastic right about now.

If you wanna go to war with me...

- I will win. - Okay, let"s not get crazy...

Oh, you haven"t seen crazy yet, missy!

I once beat Megan Thee Stallion

in a titty twister contest!

Guard your titties, bitch!

Didn"t think that one through.

Pick up the phone.

So, what is happening exactly?

Well, I woke the sleeping giant,

and the Sasquatch is coming to destroy my life.

Brandy?

Where is she?

Lurking, biding her time

for the perfect moment

to twist my titties.

Okay, is Josh there?

Mmm, yeah.

Put him on.

Hey.

Hey!

It"s for you.

Trade.Oh.

She obviously can"t drive home.

- Yeah. - Can you take care of her?

Help her sober up before you put her in a car so she doesn"t go home drunk?

Uh, yeah.

I mean, she can crash on my couch.

- I live above the bar. - Okay.

But I"m trusting you with my friend,

so if you take advantage of her in any way,

I will make balloon animals out of your wiener.

Did you two go to the same finishing school?

Shut up.

She"s great.

I "ll take that. That"s not fair.

"Donkey."

Oh.

Oh...

God, this is your fault.

How is this my fault?

Oh, it"ll come to me. Just give me a minute.

Ah, well, you can sleep on the couch.

Nice.

I like to keep my place tidy.

Lame.

Terrible striptease.

Just awful.

Okay.

- This? - Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I"ll take the couch.

Josh? Hey.

Hey, you all right?

Wait, are you sober?

As a judge. Yeah?

Mmm-hmm.

♪ Hands up ♪

♪ Guard dropped ♪

♪ Heart stopped ♪

♪ Tiptoe ♪

♪ So slow ♪

♪ Trying to steal your heart ♪

Wait, this is consensual?

Very.

♪ Hands up ♪

♪ Guard dropped ♪

♪ Don"t stop ♪

Just triple-checking this is consent.

I"m initiating, and you"re consenting, right?

Yeah.Okay.

♪ She said "Kiss me" ♪

♪ Slowly ♪

♪ I don"t wanna go too fast ♪

♪ Stay here ♪

♪ So near ♪

♪ Make this last ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ How am I ♪

♪ Hands up ♪

♪ Guard dropped ♪

♪ Don"t stop ♪

Hey.

What"re you doing?

I"m gonna head out.

Really? What time is it?

Early.

Why don"t you just stay here?

No, I gotta go face Dad and Brandy.

She was really mad last night.

Yeah. It"ll be all right.

Just be yourself.

Or...

actually be the opposite of that.

Wait, hold on.

You know, that was...

that was really something.

Was it?

Yeah.

It... wasn"t it?

So, when you mentioned the camera and your photography...

why"d you let me underestimate you like that?

Mmm, I don"t know. Sometimes it"s easier

to let people believe what they want about you.

You know, it takes work to really get to know someone.

Yeah, well, who wants more work?

Yeah.

Isn"t that what life"s about, though?

People? Connection?

I don"t know, maybe.

All right, well, I think I have everything,

and I"m not doing that thing where I leave something behind.

Eh, it doesn"t really matter.

If you wanna see someone again, you can find a reason.

- All right, well... - What?

Hold on one sec.

Am I missing something here?

No, I"ll just... I"ll see you around.

- I can walk you out. - No, I"ve got it.

Okay.

Damn it.

Hey, Dad, are you here?

Is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, whoo!

- Everything all right? - Love that!

- Aah! - No, no, no, no, no!

No! Erase! Erase!

Erase! Erase!

Monkey!

Um, I"ll be there in a second.

- No! - ♪ The itsy-bitsy-spider ♪

- Are you insane? - ♪ Went up the water spout ♪

♪ Down came the rain and... ♪

You made Addy watch?

We didn"t know you were in the house.

I mean, you really should announce your presence.

Oh, I"m sorry, I was expecting to come home

on Christmas Eve and go ice skating

with my father like we do every year.

But instead I find you and him going at it

like you"re in the Home Depot stock room.

So excuse me, this is...

This is human nature.

We are in an adult relationship,

and you should probably get used to it.

I need to have a private conversation with my father for a moment.

- Family talk. - Uh, no.

This is not family time, see?

This is sexy time.

And you are not a part of sexy time.

Actually, you are not a part of this relationship.

- You"re not a part of this family. - Whoa!

That"s enough, both of you. Stop it.

Look, none of us are happy with the current situation,

including me.

But this is our reality,

and we have to find a way to work through it.

Okay, but your daughter is the one who has to work through her issues, okay?

Starting with codependency.

Oh, you two think that you don"t have any issues as a couple?

Really? I mean, sure, I guess the sex is good now,

but do you really think

that she"s not going to get bored with you

and leave you for a younger guy?

I don"t think that"s any of your business.

Oh, maybe he"ll leave you first.

Because you and my dad"s Venn diagram has no overlap.

Have you even seen The Godfather?

Didn"t think so.

And can you name one band

in the last five years?

I"m not even gonna let you answer that.

Brandy doesn"t like Moscato.

And Dad doesn"t like those hipster shirts that you buy him.

You don"t?

He"s not selling organic Popsicles in Brooklyn.

All right, Emma, that"s enough, all right? Stop it.

Dad, are you really moving to Los Angeles?

Our people don"t belong in the sun.

We"re just one big melanoma.

And, Brandy, have you thought about kids

-and whether or not you even want them? - Okay.

- Because my dad has already had his family. - Emma, not another word.

- But we"re not done talking. - Yes, we are.

- Dad. - Go to your room.

- I"m concerned. - Why?

I don"t think I should be here.

I didn"t think you would come, so thank you.

Come on in.Great.

You look like a Hot Topic threw up on you.

I did buy this there.

Okay. Oh, God.

Hey, Charlyne. So nice you could join us.

- Yeah, I... - Your family probably misses you.

Oh, no, they probably haven"t even noticed yet.

They are a mess.

Why don"t we get started opening presents?

- Hi. - Let"s see who goes first.

- Welcome. - I will.

Uh... yeah.

Huh, I wonder who this is from.

Oh...

Wow.

Thanks, hon.

Yeah, sure.

Let"s see. Your turn, Emma.

"From Emma."

Aw, I love you.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Let"s see.

What"s this?

I put a down payment on the lake house.

You what?

With some savings and my inheritance from Mom.

Why"d you do that?

Because it belongs in our family.

It"s the place where we were the happiest.

This is... too much.

This is all... too much.

You can"t... You can"t buy a house

just to recapture your childhood memories

or re-imagine us as some kind of idyllic family.

That is how I remember us.

Your mom and I did not have a perfect marriage.

We had our problems, like anyone else.

What kind of problems?

Why is she acting like she knows something I don"t?

Because secrets are meant to be kept secrets.

Your mom had an affair when you were in high school.

Fuck me.

- With who? - It doesn"t matter,

and it wasn"t for very long, and we worked our way through it.

I believe we were truly happy again before she passed away.

And you never told me?

It wasn"t something you had to deal with,

and I didn"t want it to affect how you felt about your mom.

But you told Brandy.

No, I didn"t.

My mom talked to you about it.

When you two had your secret talks.

- You"re a better friend to my mom than I ever was. - Oh, Emma, that"s not true.

You know both of my parents better than I ever did,

you"re more part of this family than I am.

No.

I loved your mom so much.

But she"s gone now. She"s not coming back.

I"m just trying to move forward.

You two don"t make any sense.

Maybe you"re right.

You made some good points last night.

There are a lot of reasons why we don"t work on paper.

And she might leave me someday.

But that"s a risk I"m willing to take

so I can spend another minute with her,

because...

I love her.

I love you.

- Dad! - Emma, no!

You say what you need to say. Say it now.

This is the kind of future that you want?

I don"t know if I can be a part of it.

So you"re saying it"s between you and her.

- That"s not what she's saying. - That"s exactly what I'm saying.

Zip it, traitor.

Can"t you see that Brandy is, like,

a serial killer?

She"s trying to destroy our family,

and it"s working! She"s winning!

It"s a Christmas Day massacre!

Emma...

what are you talking about?

No, no, she"s right.

I can"t do this.

I can"t come between you and Emma.

I saw my family break apart, and it was devastating.

Both my parents started new families, and I...

I fell through the cracks.

So I have felt that distance.

That absence.

And I wouldn"t wish it on anyone.

Not even you.

Hold on. Hold on.

That situation isn"t anything like this.

This is you and me.

Wait.

Please, stay.

I can"t. I have to go.

Dad...

J... Just don"t.

- You know what I mean, right? - No, I don"t, you freak!

Brandy is not destroying your family.

That"s what you're doing.

♪ It"s Christmas And I"m hoping ♪

♪ That you"ll see me... ♪

♪ By New Year"s Eve We might just ♪

♪ Be a thing ♪

♪ Come Valentine"s Day ♪

♪ I might have The strength to say ♪

♪ I"ve loved you From the very beginning ♪

♪ All this magic on the ground ♪

♪ Has got me wishin" ♪

♪ That we won"t melt away ♪

♪ Before we start ♪

♪ There is just one thing ♪

♪ That this holiday"s Been missin" ♪

♪ And that"s you Beneath these lights ♪

"♪ Holdin" my heart ♪

♪ If there was ever the time ♪

♪ That I could tell you ♪

Okay, so if you...

♪ Just what I think ♪

♪ About you, babe ♪

♪ I guess it"s in this moment ♪

♪ With me and the snow fallin" ♪

♪ And I"m praying that ♪

Sorry...

♪ You"ll feel the same way ♪

♪ I"ve gotten really good ♪

♪ At wrapping up my feelings ♪

♪ In the pretty little bow ♪

♪ Under the tree... ♪

Hey, Charlyne.

Oh, hi, guys.

♪ If there was ever a time ♪

♪ That I could tell you ♪

♪ Just what I think About you, babe ♪

♪ I guess It"s in this moment ♪

♪ With me And the snow fallin"... ♪

Come on, you"re really never gonna talk to me again?

Haven"t decided yet.

Seriously?

I"m sorry for subjecting you to the Christmas Day Massacre

and for not listening to you when you were clearly the voice of reason.

Go on.

You were right. About everything.

Leave us.

I"m the killer.

I tried to kill Dad and Brandy"s relationship.

Then Brandy sacrificed her own happiness

just to protect my relationship with my dad.

So, I guess if I was setting up a test

to see if she was a good person,

she passed.

She makes my dad happy.

That"s all I want for him.

Hallelujah, there is hope for you yet.

And now I know exactly what I need to do.

Uh-oh, when you sound so certain,

it"s certain to be a disaster.

I"m going to get them back together.

For Christ"s sakes, you...

still aren"t getting it.

If your dad and Brandy wanna be together,

it"s up to them, not you.

You can"t go around manipulating people

like a little blazer-wearing puppet master.

I need to butt out and leave them alone.

Yes.

Geez, how did I even get to this place?

Uh, neuroses plus narcissism.

You know, you can take a night off

from being the consummate truth-teller.

I"m sorry, it's a curse.

Have you talked to your dad?

We"re giving each other some space at the moment.

That"s probably not a bad idea.

You know, when I went on that research retreat,

we were exploring building electric cars in small villages in Africa.

The company offered to relocate me to Botswana.

Yeah?

Maybe I should do that.

I would miss you like crazy.

You too.

We"re back and coming to you live...

Hey, Dad...

I don"t know if you're still avoiding me, or...

maybe you"re at the New Year"s Eve benefit.

Anyway, I-I just wanted to talk

before I leave for Africa.

Okay, bye.

Shouldn"t you be inside?

Yeah.

So, why are you hanging out here?

Well, I haven"t seen her since...

Well...

So...

So...

I was a real asshole.

Yep, grade-A shitbag.

Can you ever forgive me?

I think that"s been part of my job description

since the moment you were born.

And, honestly,

I"m probably not blameless in this whole thing.

So, is blaming you an option?

Well, yeah. I mean, what"s it say about a guy like me

who raised a shitbag like you?

I think maybe, when Mom passed,

taking care of you gave me a purpose.

It was easier to worry about you

than to think about...

what I had lost or...

how I should move forward.

That makes two of us.

But we"ll figure it out.

So you"re nervous about seeing Brandy?

Yeah, I don"t know what to say to her.

You"ll know when the moment comes.

Now, I"m not interfering in any way whatsoever.

But... maybe we can walk in together?

Yeah, yeah.

Awesome. Hey, guys,

just wanted to say thank you so much for coming out tonight.

And I would especially like to thank

my co-host for the evening, Jack Lockhart.

Jack, would you like to come up and say a few words?

Thanks, Brandy.

Um, good evening. Thanks for coming.

Um, really all I want to say is

all the credit for this incredible evening goes to Brandy,

who"s shown nothing but grace under pressure.

And, um, getting here wasn"t easy.

There were definitely some bumps in the road.

But when aren"t there?

When you"re in the right car from the right car company,

with the right people, the ride"s worth a few bumps,

and we"re all here together tonight.

So, well, heck, happy New Year!

Have a good evening, everyone!

When you said there were gonna be bumps in the road,

you meant the one giant bump, the... the human

lump of... of pus.

I don"t think she's gonna give us a hard time anymore

and nothing she said changes

how you and I feel about each other.

Do you think that maybe she might"ve been right

about certain things, though?

I don"t like Moscato.

I"m more of a cheap beer kind of girl.

Okay.

- Trip to the liquor store. Problem solved. - Yeah.

I"m not that crazy about the shirts you gave me.

I"m more of a blue button-down kind of guy.

That"s fine. I wasn"t trying to change you.

- I don"t think I wanna move to Los Angeles. - Oh, okay.

- I think I might want kids. - Mmm...

We can talk about that.

I mean, I don"t know for sure,

because I still sprint to the drugstore if the condom breaks,

for the Plan B pills.

Um, noted. Better condoms.

Uh, I don"t think we"re gonna have

to think about that for a few years.

- And by then, I"ll be impotent. - Important!

What is so important about tonight,

uh, is the urgent cause

that we are all here to address,

our city"s homeless community.

So thank you all for your donations,

-and why don"t you give yourselves... - What?

Another round of applause for that?

- I would also like to thank Brandy... - What?

For being a true force of nature.

You all heard what she feels about me.

I mean, don"t get me wrong, she, uh,

really got under my skin.

I mean, sometimes you just wanna strangle her

until the breath leaves her body.

Oh, that"s the human lump of pus!

But, I mean, you have to respect someone who means what she says,

means well, and makes the people that I love happy.

And I think, maybe in another life,

we might"ve been friends.

Uh, "cause that's what life"s about, right?

People and connection.

I know it"s getting close to midnight, so,

why don"t we put the past behind us

and say hello to the future?

- Happy New Year! - Ten, nine...

So we have a lot of obstacles to overcome.

- Six, five... - We do.

Four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

- Still drive that thing? - Yeah.

If it ain"t broke, why fix it?

So, what"re you doing here? I saw you leaving the bar.

I realized you...

You left something at my place.

Mmm, no, I don"t think so.

Yeah, yeah, you did.

Pretty sure I didn"t.

Then what"s this?

Your hairless cat?

Right.Yeah.

Thank you.And...

Mmm-hmm? Your Fabergé egg.

I was wondering where that went.

Thank you. Yes, and...

a limited edition Goblet of Fire.

Oh, wow.Yeah.

- Thank you. - Yeah, you"re welcome.

You"re so weird.

You know, I needed these before I leave.

Yeah. Africa, huh?

Yeah.Whoa.

- That feels sudden. - Yeah.

Sometimes you just need a change.

Yeah.

You know,

I"ve always wanted to go to Africa.

Shoot giraffes. Pictures, photos, yeah.

Thank you for clarifying.

How about you take me with you?

You serious?

Yeah... I am.

Now that sounds like a true crime murder mystery.

- We both go on a safari, but only one of us comes back? - Mmm-hmm.

Just to be clear, I would be the murderer, and you would be the "murderee,"

because I know 37 different ways that you can poison someone

without leaving a trace.

Babe, watch this.

Hey, kid, you"re blocking the driveway.

Dad.

You break my daughter"s heart, and I"ll kill ya.

Hey, leave them alone. He wants to kiss her.

God, you ruin everything.

Actually, you ruin everything.

Seriously, move out of the driveway. Go on, get.

♪ ...season That gives me hope ♪

♪ There is a reason ♪

♪ For all that We"ve been through ♪

♪ That something new"s Around the corner ♪

♪ Everybody"s laughing ♪

♪ Leaving what"s past There in the past ♪

♪ And I"m so glad I"m sitting next to you ♪

♪ Glad that we had Made it through this year ♪

♪ Everybody come together ♪

♪ Focus on what matters ♪

♪ We don"t have to be alone ♪

♪ We can make this place A home this year ♪

♪ No time like the present ♪

♪ To lay down our defenses ♪

♪ We don"t have to be alone ♪

♪ We can make this place A home this year ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo Doo doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo Doo doo-doo ♪

♪ We don"t have To be alone, oh no ♪

♪ No, we"re dreaming About tomorrow ♪

♪ Watching the snow fall Out the window ♪

♪ I"ve got a new ambition No more wishing ♪

♪ I"ll be by your side This year ♪

♪ Everybody come together ♪

♪ Focus on what matters ♪

♪ We don"t have to be alone ♪

♪ We can make this place A home this year ♪

♪ Everybody come together ♪

♪ Focus on what matters ♪

♪ We don"t have to be alone ♪

♪ We can make this place A home this year ♪

♪ No time like the present ♪

♪ To lay down our defenses ♪

♪ We don"t have to be alone ♪

♪ We can make this place A home this year ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo Doo doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo Doo-doo doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ We don"t have To be alone, oh no ♪

♪ Everybody come together ♪

♪ Focus on what matters ♪

♪ We don"t have to be alone ♪

♪ We can make this place A home this year ♪

♪ No time like the present ♪

♪ To lay down our defenses ♪

♪ We don"t have to be alone ♪

♪ We can make this place A home this year ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪