All language subtitles for A.Stand.Up.Guy.2016.WEB-DL.x264-ii

How you doing?

Give me 300.

Come on, come on,
come on, 300.

By the way,
you're looking unbelievable.

You're losing weight, right?

Face looks chiseled.
Take this.

You have a nice tan.

Tell your mom I said,
"Hello", all right?

Call her.

All right?

[rock music playing]

♪

♪

♪

-Dom, let me ask you
a question.
-What?

What makes you think
that a shaved head's
a good look on you?

I don't know.
You know, the hairline
was falling back a little.

Figured I'd trick the scalp.

"Trick the scalp?"

You tricked
the earth, bro.

Doesn't look great.

What? You don't like it?

Looks like your mother
fucked a marshmallow.

I, I don't even get that.

I don't know,
you just got a face
that looks better with hair.

I mean, look at my hair.

You never seen me
shaving my
fucking head, do you?

You don't need to,
you're growing hair
while I'm looking at you.

I know,
how great is that, huh?

-See...
-I thought checking in

was when I left
and told you
where I was going.

How's that
not checking in?

Hello.

Hell...

Dom, come here.

This is the address
to the house.

Family's out of town,
so you're clean.

Hey, you're taking that
loudmouth LeGucci with you?

-What, Sammy?
-Yeah.

Ah, yeah, he's a good guy.

Can't stop sharing
his thoughts.
He's going.

He thinks I don't know

he's flipping
electronic cigarettes
all over town.

Plus, I ain't seen
a dime from him.

Uh, you know,
I don't know
anything about that.

Okay, listen.

There's over
200 large in the house.

It's behind
the fake fireplace
when you get in.

Family's on vacation.

It's good. It's no problem.

Sammy!

[Sammy] Yo!

I heard you got
a beat on
electronic cigarettes.

Yeah, I heard
a few things.

I'll let you know
if it's worth it.

Remember...

Smoking kills.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

Dom, let me
ask you a question.

Why does your uncle
always have to exit with
a dramatic statement?

I don't know.

I don't like him.

Plays the "Nice Guy" role.

Then, boom, says some
shit you can't be
comfortable with.

Look, I wouldn't
worry about it.

But, look,
he says this score,
it's like 200k.

Okay, we need
to get this money,

get some new head shots,

model my way into
a fucking catalog already.

Sal, you're 41 years old.

So what?

40 year olds
are a huge
marketing demographic.

Plus, they buy
a lot of shit.

Not from your face.

Thanks.

So, how is school?

School's not
as bad as I thought
it was gonna be.

Well, that's good.

I wouldn't want you
to be sick of school
this early in the game.

That, I can't promise.

Oh, God.

Honey, time's up.

Uh.

All right, come on.

-There's never enough time,
right, Maddy?
-Yeah.

You know I love you.
I'm gonna see you
in a few days, okay?

Hi, honey.

Mommy needs just
a minute with Daddy, okay?

-Do you wanna sit here?
-Okay.

-Love you, Daddy.
See you soon.
-I love you, Maddy.

Here, take the ball.

I'll see you this week,
okay, honey?

Okay.

Step into my office.

An office?
Wow, what a great idea.

An actual office.

That would mean
you would have a real job.

[chuckling]

Don't go spending it all
on your hair or your shoes

or whatever you do
with your money.

My hair? My hair is
the problem, wow.

Okay, you know,
I swear to god,
I look at you and I think

there's so many things
you could've been good at.

Maybe stealing
is my gift, huh?

That's not funny. Sammy...

Your daughter needs
some time with you.

Like an actual schedule.

I know.

I'm working
on a schedule.

Trust me.

This is gonna be like
taking candy
from a fucking baby.

A baby gorilla.

Hey, I think
I know that guy.

From your modeling
school? [laughs]

Shit on my dreams again,
I will fucking kill you
where you stand.

Calm down, Fabio,
it's a fucking joke.

Shit.

I'm didn't have to
use the drill.

I thought we were gonna
have to do some weak point
drilling here.

Is that what you call it
when you bang Lorie?

[laughs]

Everything is
not a joke.

Holy fuck.

-What?
-Holy fuck.

Nice.

200k, boys.

Motherfucking jackpot.

Freeze! Hands where
we can see them.

One wrong move and Sammy
and I will shoot you
for fun.

-Fuck this shit.
-Come on, come on.

Oh, my God.

Freeze, you fuckers.

Sammy Legucci,
why am I not shocked?

Put the gun down, Tommy.

I'm telling you, bro,
crazy is the best in bed.

Uh, you sleep with a girl
that never met her real dad,
shit's going down.

Come out of the bed,
you're missing a tooth,

you got a black eye,
your foot hurts,

your ear's throbbing,
you're hearing
new languages.

-It's fucking amazing.
Orphanage pussy.
-[scoffs]

Give it a shot, bro,
trust me.

[officer] Legucci!

You got some
real fucking issues.

You tell us
who's running things
and we cut a deal.

Otherwise, you get the max
and you know it.

There's nothing
I can do here.

No offense, Tommy.

I mean, you can
really use a mint.

What did you eat,
everything?

-All right.
-Wise ass.

Friends or no friends,
you ain't leaving this room
until you talk.

Uh, I'm disgusted with you.

I expected bigger things
from you in life, Sammy.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Voted"Most Likely to Succeed",
dated the hottest
girl in school.

I don't know,
I think you had options.

Now you're going away
for robbery,
book-making, extortion,

I'm guessing
fixing horses.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
I never fixed no horses.

Give me some name, Sammy.

Save yourself, you know
what I'm saying?
You know, you got a kid.

She's gonna need you around.

Think big picture.
You don't talk like that.

You do a bit, you come out,
you missed her confirmation,

you go back in,
you missed her wedding,

you go in again,
you missed her baby.

Before you turn around,
you're an old ex-con
and you missed her goddamn life.

You're a cop
or a psychic,
what are you?

I'm both.

Sammy.

I got something for you.

It's only
because I've known you
my whole life.

It's not a sad song
mix tape, is it?

Might as well be.

Even though you didn't
invite me to your
21st birthday party.

'Cause I always knew
you were gonna be a cop.

[Dom] What's up, Pat?

[Pat] What's up?
Your bearded friend's gotta go.

Yeah?

He's a loose
fucking cannon
and I don't like it.

Never shuts the fuck up,
fuck, he doesn't kick up
when he's supposed to.

All right, now what do
you want me to do about it?

Nothing. Just go back
to your wife
and I'll take care of the rest.

You wanna pretend
that life is a joke,

then, unfortunately,
I have to teach you a lesson.

'Cause that's what I do.

Little fucking
bearded lawn jockey.

All right, all right.

I've got a plan
for this extra head
fuck wizard.

Looks like
a Middle-Eastern version
of Merlyn, the magician.

I get it.

[phone beeps]

You know that voice?

Like the back of my hand.

This is a memorandum
of understanding, Sammy.

Keep a low profile till we
bring you back to testify.

We will provide you
with a new identity,
a home somewhere in America,

$65,000 a year in salary,
and 24-hour protection.

That's a guarantee.

Guaranteed boring life,
that's what that is.

But as much as
I hate to say it, on this,
you're doing the right thing.

The girls will stay with me.

Thanks, Frank.

Tell Maddy I'll be in touch
and that I love her very much.

Of course, kid.

What if I wanna go see her?

That's entirely up to you.

But we only provide protection
as long as you stay
within these guidelines.

You know Pat's
gonna make bail.

So watch your back.

Where are you taking me?

[Sammy] This is like
the vanilla version
of a life.

I don't feel
good about this.

You think I give a damn
how you feel?

Just keep your nose
out of trouble.

I don't wanna have to
monitor your every move.

Isn't that your job?

So what?

Think I love my job?

I'm just gonna do my time,

save some lives,

make some extra bucks
on the side,

you don't mind, do you?

I've got an ingrown toenail
I care more about.

You're a real
sensitive guy, huh?

I'm here to
keep tabs on you
and that's it.

I don't like the small talk.

I don't like
small talk either, okay?

I don't know
what's more depressing,
your voice or my life.

I think I can answer that.

[Marshall] This is
Sheriff Colin wood.

Wowie, looky here.

We have ourselves
a real live mafioso
from the big city.

There's no such thing
as the mafia, okay?
So relax.

Yeah, I'm sure there is not.

But just remember,
we have families here.

Big families with big guns.

So I'm sure
we'll get along just fine.

Chief, he is here
under our protection.

Let's just try to
get off on the right foot.

Okey-dokey.

Maybe one day we can meet up
and have a beer,

share some stories.

I bet you got some
good stories, huh?

Bet yours will
throw us for
a real whimsy, huh?

What the hell's a whimsy?

What the hell's
a whimsy, Mr. Hirsh.

Hesh.

His new name is Derek Hesh.

I obviously didn't pick it.

I bet you didn't.

Hmm?

Bet you wanted to pick
something like Travolta.

Hmm?

[dog barking]

[doorbell rings]

[doorbell rings]

Hi, you must be Derek.

I'm Tricia, Colin's wife
and this Rex and we are
so happy to have you here.

I hope you don't mind us
showing up unannounced.

I just wanted to let you know
we're right down the block.

If you need anything,
don't hesitate to ask.

Isn't this area just great?

Is that dirt

or chocolate on his face?

Oh, it's both. [chuckles]

The boy gets into everything.

What exactly did your
husband tell you about me?

Oh, he said you are
from New York

and that you were just
a spitfire of a personality

and that you were
gonna be great here
with us small town folk.

He said you were working
construction or something
so I just,

I brought you a pie.

Enjoy, it's apple.

-Thank you.
-Mm-mmm.

-You a smoker?
-Yeah, why?

Hold on.

Try this.

You're gonna thank me.

And the little man's
gonna thank me too.

You're gonna have
a lot of energy after this,

you're gonna be
cleaning his face all day.

Mon, I wanna try one.

Those look fun to me.

Make it happen.

Stop it, Rex.

[on phone] My father
wants to know
if you got the phone.

'Course I go that phone
I'm talking to you on it.

Tell him I said, "Thank you".

Where's my daughter?
I'd like to speak to her.

She's not here right now.

When can I call her?

I don't know.

Just give me a time
that I can call her.

Try back in a few days
and I'm sure you'll catch her.

Okay, tell her I said hi.

All right.

[guitar tune playing]

[Mel] ♪ One more drink
And I didn't think ♪

♪ She was serious
When she said goodbye ♪

♪ One more shot
That's all I got ♪

♪ When I keep my name
In her favorite car ♪

♪ She was my only girl
My whole world ♪

♪ Who would've thought
That it would end like this ♪

♪ Never saw myself
As a stalker ♪

♪ But she left me
High and dry ♪

♪ So she had to know
When she decided to go ♪

♪ That I would follow
right behind ♪

♪ Never saw myself
As a stalker... ♪

Hey, how can I help you?

My God does your face
look out of place in here.

Get out of here.

It's just that you're
really hot and your face
doesn't go with this building.

Oh, your mouth must be
real dry from all that
hot air coming out of it.

Are you drinking?

Yeah, I'll have a whiskey
and some confidence.

-Eh, let me ask you a question.
-Hmm.

Is this the hot spot in town?
This is it?

Let me see.

We have a broken-hearted
redneck on stage named Mel,

singing about a love
he probably never even had.

So if you call that a hot spot,
then this is the hot spot.

I think I have a crush.

Oh, let's hope not.

What's your name?

Hey, Manny.
This is my brother.

-Your brother?
-Mm-hmm.

Nice to meet you.

Is it?

The fuck happened
at your house
growing up?

Lot of awkward family talk.

♪ Well, she stole my heart
My car, my soul ♪

♪ She stole my spirit
And she hurt me so... ♪

So we open the trunk,
it's like 3,000 beanie babies.

Chinese, black, Puerto Rican.

We thought we were
hijacking cigarettes,

we ended up hijacking
a ten year old's dream.

-[chuckles]
-Ha!

Many, come on.

When a man meets a woman
something happens inside,

deep inside.

His first inclination
is to recite a diatribe,

as he relates to his
rebellious history
as a childhood thief,

thereby appearing edgy,

cool,

tough.

All the while just
trying to gain access
into her lady palace.

What?

[Mel continues to sing]

I didn't say anything.

♪ She stole my spirit
And she hurt me so ♪

♪ I tried, I tried
I cried, I cried ♪

♪ And they found her body
I lied, I lied ♪

This guy is killing me
with his depressing songs.

♪ Had to do it

I mean, he's confessing
to murder with the worst voice
I ever heard in my life.

Why don't you get up there?

No, no, no.

I don't show off
in front of strangers.

[scoffs] Why stop now?

Showing off is just insecurity
masking as bravado.

I've got a 100 bucks
that says you won't do it.

I'll put 50 on top of that.

150 bucks just to go up there?

Uh-huh.

Who's bringing me up?

Hey, Mel.

Time to tuck your
sensitive heart
back in your pants.

Just bring up this guy,
what's your name again?

Derek.

Little DD.

It's Derek.

Little Deacon.

All right.
Yeah, please welcome
Little Deacon.

-It's Derek.
-Please welcome Little Derek.

And if anybody knows
where JD is,

please come see me
after the show.

-150 bucks?
-Mm-hmm.

Put your money out.

[clears throat]

Mel nearly broke my heart
and my love for music.

That was the opposite
of uplifting, right?

I mean, the guy couldn't
hit a note
if he blew Marvin Gaye.

[low chuckles]

Wow, you two.

What dressed you, a goat?

When was the last time
you shaved? Never ago?

You guys never heard of gel?

No? Hair products?

Are you eating a jawbreaker
or is his balls in your mouth?

[laughter]

Your parents,
definitely fucked in woods.

No doubt about it.

Look at you.

The product of a deer and a man.

Two friends sharing one tooth.

I'm killing it up here.

This is great,
I can do it all day.

So, when Lorie writes,
"I still like you",

she really means,
"I love you".

She just didn't
write "love", right?

I don't know, bro.

I'm pretty sure
she knows the difference
between like and love.

No, no, no, no.

It's gotta be some kind of
auto-correct malfunction
or something.

Yeah, you know,
you could tell yourself that

but that technology is,
it's pretty rock solid.

So is our love, bro.

-[cellphone beeps]
-Oh, hang on.

She just sent a video.
Let's see what she says.

It's probably an apology.

We don't text our apologies.

Hey, Sal, I just jerked
your cousin for the third time,
isn't that weird?

I got real problems
and I gotta listen
to this crap?

Sammy Legucci.

We gotta find him.

Hmm.

25.

Want one?

25.

[crowd laughing]

Okay, coming up next
to the stage,

if it wasn't for selling
fly fishing videos,

our next act would be
sleeping in a barrel of whiskey.

Here to sing about his
drinking problem
and his penchant for stalking,

give it up for
your favorite, Mel.

Yo, you move any slower,
you'll be going backwards.

Come on, buddy.

Thank you, Derek.

Well, I like to get right to it,

I don't like to mince words,

or ramble or just make stuff up.

That'd be a waste of
your time and my time.

This song I'd like to do
is called,

"That Wasn't Me
Heavy Breathing
on the Other End, Leslie."

You know, I hear, Mel,
he's out there dating again.

And I think you really did
something special for him.

I think even his lyrics,
they've even made a turn
for the positive.

Yeah, some people just can't
shake a heartbreak.

Mm, not me.

I shook mine like
the dust off a porch mat.

I just can't see a guy
breaking your heart.

Well, it wasn't
really my heart,
more like my nose.

-Really?
-Hmm.

See if that guy wants
to come back for

an old fashioned lesson
in relationships.

I left that part
of my past long ago.

Yeah, I left mine too.

♪ ...Lousy, dirty whore

So, he's sending you the money.

Bit by bit.

But, yeah.

Oh, I can't believe
they broke up.

To you and Madison?

Yes, Dad, so what?

He's supposed to,
she's his daughter.

All his life,
he does the bare minimum.

She is not 32.

I never hated the guy.

I mean, I know he
ran his mouth off too much
and he played the class clown--

Whoa, whoa,
you're defending him.

Beautiful, Dad, thank you.

I'm just saying.

Maybe he'll find his way,
his path, you never know.

No, he won't, Dad.

He's right where
he's supposed to be.

In hiding.

So I tell this kid,

if he doesn't kick in the wig,
I'm taking his TV and his car.

What does he do?
What does he do?

He hands me
the keys to the car,
just like that.

I rode a rhinoceros
in Guatemala
with a man named Phillip.

So, I'm driving the car
for like a week, right?

Come to find out
the guy doesn't even
own the car.

I saved a woman and her
dwarf son from a hotel fire
against my will.

It's great.

Listen,

I pull into the house right,
just as I'm about to
make a right--

I once caught
a land shark in Tijuana.

It was tricky.

Yo, Manny,
what the fuck is up?

Why you keep
interrupting me, bro?

Your stories take too long
and I'm having a hard time
believing them.

[woman singing]

♪ The condom broke
We're having a baby ♪

♪ The happiest accident
That I've ever known ♪

♪ He was my John
And I was his lady ♪

♪ I canceled my appointments
For the rest of the time ♪

♪ I love you, John

That's his real name.

Wow.

Don't know where
that came from.

Let's not question that.

I like it.

Give me another one.

Mmm.

All right, I got to
go on stage.

All right,
I'll be right back.

Mmm, keep that thought,
all right?

Yes.

[audience applauds]

Jenny, you still owe $20
for those e-cigarettes.

[man] Hey, you.

Where the hell
are you from, anyway?

Dressed like you're in
some old time gang
or something.

You know what?
I am in a gang.

You ever heard of
"Sleep With Your Mothers,
The Bigger Your House"?

Hey, that shit ain't funny.

Oh, I think the audience
thinks it's funny.

You know, you sneak into town
all quiet and what not

with your greasy,
greasy personality.

Who knows where
you're from, man?

Clint, shut your trap.
Go drink with your mother.

There you go.
A woman after my own heart.
Thanks, honey.

[crowd laughing]

All right, tough guy.

Let's dance.

Wow, those are four words
in a row out of you.
You might need a nap.

[clears throat]

Somebody come
clean this shit up.

You must be
one of the dumbest people
on the planet.

I tell you to lay low
and you get into a fight

with one of the locals
while doing comedy?

Let me put it to you like this.

You just made my life
twice as hard as it is
and that's damn near impossible

considering that I have
high blood pressure,

a love of dark alcohol
and a gambling addiction.

Now, you listen to me, Sammy,
you have one responsibility,

one responsibility,

stay boring.

You got that, Sammy?

Stay boring.

Hi, welcome back
everybody to The Show.

Before we get to my
first guest this evening,
I have to share with you,

this video that I got
sent over the weekend.

It's insane.

There's a stand up comedian,
he's doing his act
and he's getting heckled,

and then madness ensues.

Have you seen this?

It's like John Gotti
doing open mic night,

guy gets into a fight
with two people
in the crowd, unbelievable.

At first, I thought
it was fake,

but, apparently, it's not,
take a look.

Wow, those are four words
in a row out of you.
You might need a nap.

Excuse me, ladies,

what are you looking at?

-We're watching you.
-Excuse me?

Yeah, it's definitely you.

Beating up Clint with
everyone in town watching.

It's kinda sexy.

What are you talking about?

Not bad for
a small town comic.

Better than Bieber
when he started.

Even though,
you're like
three times as old.

Old?

My hair's still in fifth grade.

I'd like to see
what your dad's hair
looked like at 35.

My dad was struck
by lightning at a state fair.

I'm sorry to hear that.

How did he
look pre-strike?

[rock music playing]

♪

Somebody come
clean this shit up.

500,000 views.

It's, you're like, famous.

And they love you, like,
look at these comments, uh...

"My Lord, did Dice Clay
and George Lopez
have a baby?"

"This guy's got it all."

Uh, oh.

"Say hello to my little friend,
I love this comic."

Somebody's found
their calling.

[Sal] She texted back, "K".

What the hell is that?

"K" is just a solid response,
don't read into it.

"K" is a verbal stabbing.

Here's your money, Frank.

Yo.

Your friend Sammy's
blowing up on the internet.

-Excuse me?
-Yeah.

I mean, who knew
the guy was so funny.

And he's a badass.

What the fuck
you talking about, Chucky?

Sammy's gone.

No, he's not.
He's back, look.

[crowd screaming]

I want this town rat dead.

Done.

We'll find his ass.

You know you really messed up
with this whole
online video thing.

I mean, being popular
is the worst thing
you could do right now.

It wasn't my fault,
the guy was heckling me.

What am I supposed to do?
I had to protect myself.

He's lucky I didn't stab him
with the fucking mic.

Piece of shit.

No one's getting stabbed.

I'm gonna need
a very detailed account

of your whereabouts
at all times, okay?

I'll make sure
you're all right.

I go from home to the bar,
you know my schedule.

I'm dead.

This is not fucking good.

You spend a lot of time
with that Vicky, right?

So I'm gonna
need her address.

Mr. Hesh?

I need to be honest with you.

Last time someone
said that to me,

my girlfriend told me
she likes my
best friend better.

Oh, that's too bad.

My best friend was a girl,
so it was all right.

Little emasculating
but it brought out
my sensitive side.

I knew you were good.

You have a timing
I haven't heard it in years.

A natural delivery.

Like a Dangerfield or a Dice.

Now I don't wanna say Pryor
but I see a glimpse.

Are you trying to fuck me?
I was only kidding
about the sensitive side.

Fuck you?
I booked the Majestic Theater.

No shit.

I booked Rascal Flatts
last week and hand to God,
all sold out.

And my new client,
Todd Player,

he'll be there
performing next week.

Well, look at that,
two artists I've
never even heard of.

Mr. Hesh...

Derek...

Bobbale...

I want you
to open for Todd.

That's right, picture this,

"Sold Out"

You can sell merch
after the show,
if you got any.

Oh,

and it pays five grand.

Let me understand this.

You're gonna pay me
$5,000 to tell jokes.

I can sell whatever merchandise
I want afterwards.

Is this a trick?
Who sent you here?

Huh? Who sent you here?

What happened
to the tail end of my sub?

-What?
-The sub tail,

it's the best part.

When the cheese and meat
and the peppers,

they all accidentally get
moved into the tail end
of the bread situation.

Pat, I think we
killed everything in it.

Yeah, it's all about
the meat to bread ratio
for me too, Pat.

[cellphone beeps]

She is cheating.
I know it.

Enough.

All right, listen up.

I got a guy on the inside.

I met him when I was inside.

He's gonna meet up
with you and lead us
to Sammy.

I hope they have this in heaven.

Some guy shows up
to the bar,

offers me $5,000
to perform.

-You serious?
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

That's amazing.

I have never met
anyone like you.

I have never met
anyone like me.

I can't do it.

Why not?

It's gotta be
the 500,000 views,

it's gotta be, right?

Or it's a sign?

Stop sign.

People think you're funny.

Not everyone.

[muffled pop music playing]

Oh, hi, there he is.

Okay, so this how
it's gonna happen.

When we announce you,
you go on.

You'll see a light
in the middle of the room
by the sound booth.

When that light hits you,
you take your time,
but wrap it up.

And we take care of the rest.

If I die on that
stage tonight,

I want you to
take my ashes

and I want you to
spread them
all over Brooklyn, okay?

God forbid, pu-pu-pu.

You're already a hit.

Let's give him
half the money back.

People skip their
shows all the time,

just say it was my voice
or something, you know.

Yo, Bobby,
coffee's over.

-I'll take care of it
in just a second.
-All right.

Todd Player,
this is Derek Hesh.

Hey, Derek, man, God, yo,
I'm a big fan, man.

I love your video,
fucking shit is sick, man.

Comedy and music,
it's like one and the same,
every note counts.

-I admire you, dude.
-Thank you.

I always heard
if the opening act sucks,
the whole show is a wash.

You guys are taking
a big risk here,
seriously, I'm telling you.

I could just leave
and no one will
even know I was here.

Derek, I am risk.

I freaking hand glided
off the Rockies
in the dead of winter.

Did the Baja 1000.

In just a jeep wrangler.

Swam with the sharks
in the Dominican...

[whispering] Naked.

You wanna open for yourself?

You got a fucking resume.

Dude, come on,
you know, every night,
I take the stage, right?

And I'm singing songs
about lost pussy
and runaway dogs

and the fucking people
are going ape shit,

but you, you are doing
important shit.

Yeah, man, you're
you're saving the earth.

I think I'm a fucking fraud.

-No, man.
-I do.

I wanna tell you something,
my friend,

'cause you got sad eyes,

I was bar mitzvahed
at the Wailing Wall.

My real name
is Todd Silverstein,

I'm the son of
a Jewish scrap man

and a lesbian
Hebrew school teacher.

Get the fuck out of here.

Derek, mazel tov.

[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
coming to the stage,

all the way from your
neighborhood watering hole,

please give a warm
Wisconsin welcome,

-...to Derek Hesh.
-I'll be right back.

-This better fucking work.
-You'll crush it.

Thank you, thank you.

You probably want me
to sing you a little something.

-Just like a little something.
Let's rock it up.
-No, I'm okay.

♪ Something about the way

♪ She keeps me hanging on

♪ And I keep coming on back
For more ♪

You probably want me
to continue or...?

-No, no it's...
-I'm sorry I said pussy.

Pussy.

You look like Tom Selleck
fucked a badger.

[audience] Oh.

I gotta give you credit.

You have some balls
leaving the house
with that face.

He's cool.

Maybe we take him
on the road with us.

It's not a bad idea.

You see my cocaine?

-Nope.
-Nyquil?

Nope.

Maybe crush me up some
Vibrin and baby aspirin
and put it in my hummus.

You got it.

Your poor dad, your poor dad.

I'm sure he wished
he pulled out.

How does it feel to
put your parents
in therapy?

So...

You and Derek.

You guys serious or what?

Very.

So...

Not really, then?

I get it.

Extremely.

I'll poke you
on Facebook.

[crowd applauding]

Give it up for
the construction worker from
the village people, everybody.

Doesn't he look like him?
I mean, God.

And that mustache.

My name is Derek Hesh,
thank you so much.

We have a great show
for you guys.

Todd Player's coming
to the stage.

Thank you very much.

There he is.

Derek, darling, you know,
I think I can get you
on The Show with Ian Cams.

-The talk show?
-The one and only.

I can't do that, listen,
I'm getting
a little too popular

and I'm trying to
keep a low profile,

so, it's not gonna
happen, okay?

But, you know,

Buble, Buble,
he was discovered at a wedding.

Who gives a shit?

I give a shit.

I'm gonna get you his book.

Please, don't.

-It's a great read.
-I don't read.

-You know what, Derek,
can I give you a hug?
-No.

-Come on.
-No hugs.

-Can I give you a hug, please?
-Don't touch me.

-Can I just touch your face?
-No.

All right, how about this?

You want eight Thai boys
massaging you in bare shorts

and whispering
sweet nothings in your ear?
You got it.

You want a line of geishas
doing magic tricks,

pulling rabbits
out of their assholes
while they whistle Dixie?

You got it.

'Cause I'm your guy.

Bob Lifshitz,
whatever you want,
I'm your guy.

-Listen--
-Listen,

Bob, not interested,
can't do it,

not gonna happen.

That's it, it's done,
over with, get out of here,
come on, stop.

-All right--
-This was fun, by the way.

You know Bob,
said he can get me
on the Ian Cams show.

What?

-Yeah.
-That's amazing.

Are you gonna do it?

No, I can't do that, no.

Why? It's such
a good opportunity.

Yeah, listen, um...

I've been wanting to
tell you something,
I gotta tell you something.

And I don't want you
to get mad, okay?

But...

Here it is,
my name is Sammy Legucci,

it's not Derek Hesh
and I'm in
the Witness Protection Program.

In the, in, in the what,
did you kill somebody?

No, no, listen--

What did you do?

Just...

I'm from Brooklyn, New York
and I grew up
with some bad people

and I did some
really bad things

and now it's coming back
and biting me in the ass.

Now I have to
testify against them

and the government
put me here.

You know, to protect me
for a couple months
till I go back and testify.

But that's it,
it's over, it's done with.

Okay, so...

So, so what does this
mean for us then?

No, it doesn't mean anything.
I just wanted to...

If I didn't care about you,
I wouldn't have
said anything, but...

Look, I'm sorry,
it's just,
there's one more thing,

I have a daughter.

Yes, and I have to go see her
before this whole thing
goes down.

I'm sorry.

Please.

[instrumental soft rock
music playing]

-How are you?
-Good.

-How's Maddy?
-She's fine.

-She's fine.
-Right.

-In and out, right?
-That's it.

Okay, I mean, forget the boys,
my daughter scares me
more than they do.

Tell me about it.

-She's gone, right?
-Yeah.

She's in the city
for a couple days.

All right, good.

Thanks, Frank.

Hi.

Why did you have to go?
It's not fair, Dad.

Maddy, I'll be back,
I promise.

I can't tell you exactly when
but I promise, I'll be back.

Just had to see your face.

You don't have
another family
somewhere, do you?

What? No.
I don't have
another family, honey,

No, you're the only
family I have.

Maddy, I love you
very, very much, okay?

And I will be back,
I promise, I will.

You think so?

I know so, honey.

Listen, I want you
to be a good girl,

I want you to listen
to your mom, okay?

-Okay.
-I love you so much.

I love you too.

I gotta go, okay.

And now, you know,
walking down to the car,

fucking clothes
on my neck, my head,

everywhere,
I'm holding it up.

Get to my car,
I'm looking around,

it's fucking towed, gone,
nothing is there.

So, now, I'm schlepping to,
uh, my friend's apartment...

Had to take an Uber over here.

You guys take Uber, right?

You know that these guys
can review you?

What do you think
these reviews are even like?

As if I don't have
enough negative feedback
in my life.

And the technology
in these cars,

you know,
you could just walk in,

link up your Spotify,
listen wirelessly,
no problems.

Maybe they should link up
with Tinder, maybe even
Hotels Tonight,

you know, take her out,
lay her down, ship her out.

You guys ever check out
this JSwipe thing?

Yeah, it's like Tinder
for ugly people.

Done.

[cheering and applause]

[Sammy] I gotta
find better friends.

You know, most people have
a friend for life,
all my friends are doing life.

You know, but I'm new in town.

You know, I started dating,
I met this girl,
she got so many personalities.

She keeps asking me,
"Do you even like me?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I like
all seven versions of you.

I like your Sunday,
I like your Tuesday,
your Thursday is a little off.

Of course, I like you,
you have sex with me."

Dating's hard,
especially when
you're getting old,

God, I'm getting old.

You know how I'm getting old?

I used to play basketball,
all day, every day, nothing,
I was fine.

Yesterday, I pulled a muscle
on my neck ordering food
and looking left.

Yeah, there's a problem.

Anybody single in the audience?
Any single guys in the audience?

I got some good news for you.

After this financial crisis,
personality is
making a comeback.

Personality is definitely
making a comeback,
I swear.

I got eight jokes
and Honda Accord
and I'm fucking everybody.

Okay, so, people are
calling like crazy
for reservations, Sammy.

We literally can't
take them all.

Babe, can we please
still call me Derek?

My fake identity is
the only thing
I still got going here.

I really messed up,
you know that, right?

-Why?
-By doing all this.

Becoming "The Man".

Doing stand up.

I mean, you might
think it's cool, but...

Where I come from,
my friends take this shit
very seriously.

Well, what about
the people that are
protecting you?

What about 'em?

If you knew where
I come from, ha.

Yeah, okay, look,
there's a motel just past
mile marker 61, meet there.

And as little talking
as possible, you follow?

Yes, and bring the money, okay?

Of course, I'm sure,
what are you--

Okay, yeah, goodbye.

Oh, that feels so good.
I'm so glad you're here.

I know, I'm so happy
to be here.

Uh, unfortunately,
tonight we can't
do anything.

What are you talking about?
You're already here.

I know, but my girlfriend
just reminded me,

-Mercury is in retrograde.
-What?

What does retrograde
have to do with
you and me?

I'm very sensitive right now.

And sleeping with you tonight
could really set me off.

What? You didn't even know
it was in retrograde
before your friend told you.

I know.
But I knew something
was definitely off.

I mean, I cried during
a "Save the Tiger"
commercial

and I don't even
care about tigers.

Can't you just start
this whole
retrograde nonsense tomorrow?

I can't, I made a decision
this morning

and if there's one thing,
you cannot change your mind
when Mercury's in retrograde.

Hmm, well.

I guess maybe
you should go.

You wanna cuddle?

Let's cuddle.

This is a disaster.

No, it's nice, there.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean,
he's not even
the talented one.

Come on, Sal,
you gotta quit that shit.

Look, Sammy's
always been funny.

He's got a thing about him,

you know,
he's the kind of guy
you go to a party--

♪ I knew the day I met you

♪ That I loved you
And I needed you ♪

Sal, what the fuck
is wrong with you?

Goddammit, Dom.

Look,

I'm the one who played
peter Pan in fifth grade.

-Jesus Christ.
-Huh?

Remember that?
I was good.

I was fucking great.

Flying around and shit.

Sammy? He couldn't even
play one of them lost boys.

All he had to do
was play lost.

Yeah, Star Search,
you're fucking losing it.

Okay? Look,

I don't even wanna
do this Sammy shit.

What? Hunting him down,
taking out our friend?

Oh, yeah? You wanna go to
your Uncle Pat,
and say we're not doing it?

Guy's not even my real uncle.

He's you know,
that friend of the family
who's at the house all the time,

and you got to
call him uncle.

Shit, I got actual uncles who
get jealous when they hear
me call him uncle.

It's too late, Dom,
it's already in motion.

Fuck.

I can't believe you just
broke into song.

Hey, I'm just trying to
show you what's what.

Yeah.

I wanna be able to move him
if we need to move him.

Move him
if you wanna move him,
you say?

Achoo.

Did you just sneeze?

It sounded like
you said, "achoo"
but you didn't sneeze.

Yeah, that's the way
I sneeze.

Achoo.

-Bless you.
-Thank you.

Okay, look.

We got to keep
a closer eye on Legucci,
all right?

We're hired to protect him,
we can't let this
get away from us.

I understand.
Sometimes a man's
gotta trust his instincts

like a cat
on a summer sprinkler.

What language
are you speaking?

I don't understand.

Look, let's just make
everyone's life a lot easier.

You keep a closer eye
on Legucci.

No problem.

Achoo.

Bless you.

But, you know, this is like

my first or second time
being up here, trying this
whole comedy thing.

I used to make fun of people,
who used to go out in
the audience

and be like, pick somebody from,
I mean that's not comedy.

I figured I gotta tell jokes,

I gotta start learning
how to tell stories.

So I'm gonna try some
jokes on you guys.

You guys like blond jokes?

What's the first thing
a blond girl says when
she wakes up in the morning?

"Which one of you guys
taking me home?"

A blond girl is driving to
the beach, she sees a sign
that says, "Beach Left",

she makes U-turn
and goes home.

These blond girls
are unbelievable.

Yeah, so this blond girl
is driving down the highway,

she cuts off some guy,

and the guy pulls up
next to her and says,
"Pull Over".

She pulls the car over,
he's like,
"Step out of the vehicle",

takes a pencil, draws a circle,
says, "Stay in the circle,
don't move".

She's standing there,
he turns around,
takes a baseball bat,

and starts breaking
all her windows, boom, boom.

He turns around,
the girl's on the floor,
laughing, ha-ha-ha.

He's like, "What's so funny?"

Takes a match,
lights her car,
blows the shit up.

Turns around,
the girl's dying
on the floor, laughing.

He goes, "Are you stupid
or something, what's so funny?"

She goes, "I'm stupid?
Every time you turned around,
I went outside the circle."

[audience laughing]

'Cause you just don't seem
like a bad guy to me.

It's my smile.

It's been throwing
people off for years.

You should've seen
my first mugshot.

Looks like I won the lotto.

Can you just be serious,
for once?

[cellphone beeps]

I'm gonna take this.

Hello.

Derek.

When Hashem grants you a gift,

you gotta go with it.

So get ready to curl over,
throw up
and start getting nervous,

'cause you got The Show.

-Bob?
-Yeah, who else?

I don't know, anyone but Bob.

Bubbale, you got The Show.

It's a lock,
I sent them the video
and they loved it.

We got dates.

Bob, you're fucking up
my life, seriously.

It's a opportunity
of a lifetime.

Comics' careers are made
by doing The Show.

Look, I appreciate it,
I really do.

But I can't do it.

I'm gonna let that marinate.

All right, marinate.

I can't do it.
I appreciate it.

Look, thank you,
but, no, thank you.

Great, I'll call you tomorrow.
We'll close the deal.

Hello, hello.

What did he say?

I'm telling you,
it's all in your head, bro.

I mean, why not try
finding a girl
who doesn't make you nuts?

They're out there, you know.

[Sal] My gut's telling me
she's got her hand
on another man right now.

Both hands.

You just gel your hair?

I put a little spritz in it.

Trying something new.

That's good.

-Thanks.
-[knocking on door]

Uh, here come
this fucking train-wreck.

How you doing, Marshall?

I have a drinking problem
and a crush on
a South American prostitute.

How does it
look like I'm doing?

It's all there.

Here you go,
this is where he spends
most of his time.

How's he doing? Sammy?

You know, I've been
at this job almost 20 years,

and I've never seen ingratiate
themselves in a community
so quickly.

The guy found his calling.

Gotta give it to him
for that, right?

We'll give it to him,
all right.

Yeah, well, he's close.
So it should be over
pretty quickly.

Good.

We'll give the other 20
when the job is done.

Then I will see
you boys soon.

[door closes]

These big city Marshalls
are always on the verge
of something,

always on the verge
of corruption,
I don't know.

It's just more confusion than
a crossword puzzle
on a blind man's Tuesday.

-Achoo.
-Bless you.

Thank you, sweetie. Achoo.

-Bless you.
-Thank you, babe.

Well, why don't you check
the Marshall's records?

You know, find out
if he's made any calls
to the New York area recently,

and if so, to who.

That's a good idea.

I was gonna do it myself
but that's a strong idea
nonetheless, sweetie.

I'm just trying to help.
Right, Rex?
Mommy just wants to help out.

Right.

Rex, did you brush
those teeth this morning?

No, I took a break
from the brush.

Needs a break from the brush.

That Marshall's
a real piece of work, huh?

Yeah, like he's had
20 years of bad luck.

Someone else is gonna
see some bad luck today.

[door opens]

Can I help you?

We're looking for
a friend of ours.

We hear he's inside.

Only friends here are mine.

Back up, Earl.

Yeah, I'll back up,
but I'm right here
if you need me.

I'm a day drinker, boys.

I do my nighttime shit
during the daytime.

Let's dance.

No, where the fuck is he?

I sense your confidence

from your puffed out chest

and your wonderful hair.

But we don't know your friend.

We don't make new friends.

That long list is closed.

Yeah.

Maybe this will help.

Oh, no.

You can check inside
if you would like.

Go right on ahead.

You got great taste in hair.

But this ain't over.

Let's go.

Fucking guy sends us
right into a clubhouse?

Time to pay the Marshall
a visit.

We can stay here
if you need us to.

I don't really like
slumber parties with dudes
and I didn't bring my pajamas,

but I can see
you're very, very scared.

I think the guns
and the hatchet shook 'em up
for a little while, though.

How the hell did they find me?

I'm in Wisconsin.

Hmm.

-Most specially considering
how teeny tiny you are.
-I'm 5'7".

I think that's
a little bit of a lie.

5' 6 and a half.

I think you're still
lying to yourself.

5'6", honestly.

Just let it go.

Maybe like 5'4".

And you're all
over the internet.

[man on radio] Hey,
this is Mike Stevens,

welcome back to 106.5 WKTU.

Some local gossip news here,

we hear that local comedian
and internet sensation,
Derek Hesh

will be announcing that
he is going on
the Ian Cams show.

It's all going down tonight
at the Corner Parks.

Stay tuned to
win tickets this week

and it only shoots
two hours away
in Grand Rapids.

I tried to eat puppet pussy
and I got splinters
in my teeth.

[ventriloquist] All right,
that's enough,
we have to go.

Fine, fine.

Ruined my pussy
and my night.

Let's just get there
so we can all feel bad
about our lives.

That's a good idea.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the man responsible
for the success
of this place,

and he's doing The Show,
Derek Hesh.

Whoo! Oh!

You know, the first time
I came up here,
I didn't know what I was doing.

I was just speaking my mind,

and you guys laughed.

And it made me feel
really, really good.

But, unfortunately,

this is the end for me.

I can't do The Show.

Derek Hesh is not even my name.

Derek Hesh is the name
the government gave me.

My name is Sammy Legucci.

I'm a small-time gangster
from Brooklyn

and I decided to testify
against my best friends.

The government put me here
so they can protect me.

They're not really
doing a great job.

You don't know these guys.

Hold on here, excuse me.

Hold on, excuse me.

Excuse me, Derek or Sammy
or whatever your name is,

can you just sit down?
I have something to say.

Sit down.

You awakened
the people of this town.

I lost my wife,

the love of my life,

the woman that meant
everything to me.

Sure, I lost her

few blocks away

to claw out the berry farmer.

What the hell, shit happens.

The point is,

you gave me an outlet.

So, thank you.

[Clint] Me too.

Shit.

I'm famous
'cause of you, bro.

My name is Clint Morris.

And

most of you fucking people
know me 'cause you probably
drove me home when I was drunk.

But, guess what,
that ain't me now.

Okay?

I saw that video

and I saw that anger
that got the best of me
and I fucking cried.

I cried.

For the first time in my life.

And I don't know what you...

If you people fucking know
what 35 years
of pent up tears looks like,

I'll tell you.

It's like both my eyes
were going to the bathroom.

Each eye, individually,
just fucking pissing.

Fuck...

One time in third grade,
an unfortunate young man

made the costly mistake of
calling me stupid while
I was giving a speech,

and so, I chewed his nose
and pushed him off a bridge.

I took care of that.

But I digress.

You know, I've never seen
my sister so happy.

Used to seeing her
in bad relationship
after bad relationship

after bad relationship.

Usually had to step in

and hit people very hard.

So I don't really care
what your real name is,

or what you did in your past,

or even how tall you are.

I just know that

you make her really happy

and, um, her being happy
really means a lot to me, so...

So I say if you wanna go do
The Show then just go
fucking do it.

Iron Badgers got your back.

[cheering]

Let's do it.

You guys like Italian food?

I like Italian Food,
I went to an Italian restaurant
in this town, unbelievable.

I walk in,

waitress come over,
she gives me a menu.

I'm like, "Excuse me,
how is the penne pasta here?"

She goes, "It's $21."

I go,

"Who asked you?
How is it?"

She's like, "I don't know,
nobody ever orders it,
it's $21."

Difference is,
where I come from,

you go to an Italian restaurant
for an experience.

It's a real experience,
you walk in,

guy named Joey walks over,
he's like, "How you doing?"

You good?", "Good, I'm good."
"Yeah, sit down,
what, you hungry?"

"Yeah, I was thinking
maybe we'll have pasta."

"You want pasta? Frankie!

Let's get this guy
some meatballs,

let's get him some penne,
let's get his some spaghetti,
let's get him some pasta.

What are you drinking?

"Maybe a glass of wine."
"Give him a bottle of wine."

I'm eating, I'm drinking,
it's the best experience
of my life,

then I ask him the bill.
Guy goes, "Bill?
We don't have a bill here.

I mean, what did you have?"
"Had some pasta, some wine."

"Give me $300, we're good."

$300, unbelievable.

You guys like Jewish jokes?

Anybody wanna hear Jewish jokes?

One day, outside of a church,
there's two guys standing there.

One guys is holding
a sign that says,
"I'm Jewish, please help."

Right next to him,
another guy is standing, says,
"I'm Catholic, please help."

People coming out of church,
they see these two guys,

everybody is walking over
to the Catholic, obviously,
it's outside of a church,

start giving him money.

This goes on for weeks.

The more times, they see
this guy holding the sign,
that says, "I'm Jewish",

they go to the Catholic guy,
they give him more money,
more money.

One day the priest comes out.

Walks over to the guy
with the sign, "I'm Jewish",

says, "Listen,
I'm gonna help you out,

you know, there's a synagogue
down the block,

I think if you stand there,
you'll make more money,

you obviously see people
giving money to the guy
with the "Catholic" sign.

The guy looks at the priest,
then looks at the guy with
the "Catholic" sign and goes,

"Jaco, they're
trying to teach us
how to make money."

[audience laughing]

Jews, they're the best.

I'm sure I'm fine,
just let me speak to her
for a minute.

[Maria] For what?
...for what? Sammy?

Listen, I just want to
hear her voice, okay?

God forbid, something happens,
I just want to hear her voice.

Can you please put her
on the phone, Maria,
just one second?

Okay, Sammy.

Don't let her down.

We'll be watching.

Nothing is gonna happen to you.

Okay? Nothing.

You were never
in any trouble,

these rednecks
aren't gonna
pull the trigger on you.

We know that.

We just wanted to
thank you for
getting us close.

Seriously.

You're gonna get
the rest of your money.

Well, that is
much appreciated.

My hooker's got me
in couple's therapy.

Whatever.

You could've gotten us
fucking killed out there.

Killed? What?
Would you relax?

No one's getting killed
on my watch.

I've been doing this
for 23 years--

Enough.

No wonder this guy's
paying for pussy,
won't shut up.

What the fuck, Sal?
In the car?

I'm sorry,
I'll clean it up.

I'm on edge.

Lorie hasn't responded
in 13 hours,

except for two or three Ks
and "Of course,
I still like you."

I mean, I'm literally,

losing my mind at this point.

[Dom] Sal, you killed
a US Marshall, bro...

[Sal] Dude, she's got
three new likes
on her page,

from guys that I've
never even seen before.

-[Dom] You're fucking unstable.
-[Sal] You're telling me.

She posted two pictures
of herself in lingerie.

I mean, what the fuck?

[Dom] You girl posts
lingerie pictures
on Facebook?

[Sal] Yeah, she says,
if I can model, so can she.

[Dom] But you don't even
fucking model.

[Sal] Come on, man,
where's the support, huh?

I'm working
on my look book.

[Dom] Oh, shut the fuck up,
come on.

My God,
this motherfucker's heavy.

Oh, God.

I'm Special Agent Nicholas.
Can we talk?

And you think the Marshall
is calling the shots?

Yes, I do.
He had a sleepy disposition
about him.

And I've been working off
gut instinct and cornbread
for 20 years.

Okay, I got an inkling
stronger than a redneck
with a pale wife.

Look, these are
serious allegations, Colin.

Are those words
coming out of your mouth?

There hasn't been
a corrupt Marshall mob
connection since 1977.

I understand.

I understand but I'm surer
than a week old toast
in the kitchen of cougar.

Look, my husband
has a gift.

He told he thought
that my daddy was
cheating on my mommy,

two weeks later,
they filed for divorce.

Daddy had a lover.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Did you know
the other woman or?

A woman? No, he left her
for a 26 year old firefighter
named Brick.

-Big son of a bitch.
-Oh, yeah.

Then I'll make the call.

Man didn't ask you to
a Walker Texas, buddy.

Go make the call.

Why you looking
at my wife funny?

No, I wasn't looking
at your wife funny?

I just feel bad about Brick.

I truly have never cared less
about what one man
has said to me.

Unlike your physical presence,
your fear's very, very tall.

But it doesn't need to be.

We're gonna get to the place,
assess the situation,

and make sure you're protected.

I hope the motherfucker
does try some shit.

-No, you don't.
-No, I don't.

Okay, everything's
going to be fine.

We are going to go there,
you're going to be amazing,

and then, we're gonna
come home.

Because I have way
too many plans for us, okay?

You know what god says
about plans, right?

You don't know?

Hey,

I wanted to say
something to you
up on that stage.

Oh, yeah,
what would you have said?

I would've said that
you have made my life
so much better.

You know, regardless
of what happens
between us, it's...

just true.

Did I really?

I mean, if we really
break it down,

did I make your life
that much better?

-I mean, there was
the whole lie.
-Hmm.

-The criminal past.
-Hmm.

Can you just shut up
for one second?

Yeah.

All right, let's introduce
Derek Hesh to the world.

♪

♪

It had to be done.

For this, you two are
gonna get a bump
when you get back, Sal.

You and Dom both.

We got big plans for you.

We appreciate that, Pat.

Of course.

What am I, an animal?

Call me when it's done.

You wanna know the truth?

Please, enlighten me.

I'm going to hit you
with the truth.

When a girl says "K",
she don't give
a fuck about you.

And when she says,
"I like you",
it's not code for love.

She fucking likes you,
likes, that's it.

And she goes silent
at 9:00 pm.,

there's a 99 percent chance
she's fucking somebody else.

You are crossing
a line, Dom.

You are really crossing
a fucking line!

Sammy shit on
every dream I ever had,
you know that.

Dude, the kid liked
to bust balls is all.

Not for nothing, Sal,
modeling thing,

little out there.

I'm uncomfortably handsome
in certain circles.

-What circles?
-Circles!

Anyway, fuck Sam.
He's a rat.

-He's a rat?
-Yeah, he's a rat.

Everyone's a fucking rat.

For all we know,
it was Pat that dimmed on us.

I mean, that motherfucker's
got intel on everyone.

He knows where Sammy was living,
what he was doing,
where he was going,

who the fuck knows anymore?

It is what it is, Dom.

Fuck that overused phrase.

Lorie loved that saying.

[motorcycle engine revving]

♪

[cellphone beeps]

I gotta take this.

Hello.

They said Derek Hesh
is performing,

they didn't even
have a picture of you.

Yeah, they don't do that
all the time.

Oh, my God,
I swear to God,
Sam Legucci,

if you're not
on the TV tonight--

Calm down, okay.

Put Maddy
on the phone, please.

Fine, honey,

your father.

-Daddy?
-Hey, baby.

Daddy, you don't
have to be nervous,
you're gonna be great.

I know, listen, Maddy.

No matter
what happens tonight,

I just want you to know
that I love you

more than anything
in the whole world,
okay, honey?

What do you mean?
It's gonna be great.

I know.

Can you put your mom
back on the phone?

I love you, Maddy.

We're gonna be watching,
Sammy Legucci.

I hope you know
what you're doing.

Me too.

[cell phone beeps]

[chuckles]

There must've been
love there at some point.

I will call more like
a strong, strong like.

Okay, so what's with
this Derek Hesh?

Uh, million hits,
kid's blowing up,

I mean, this show is
really lucky to have him.

Okay, I've heard of Chappelle.
I've heard of Attell,
I've heard of Rock.

I've never heard of Hesh.

Well, you will after tonight.

Didn't I tell you
we'd get you here?

Thanks, Manny.

Hey,

I know it's hard for you
to understand our world,

this is what we do.

Now go knock 'em dead.

"Knock 'em dead?"

What do you mean,
"A special feed"?

It's welcometotheshow.tv,
and we can watch live
all their taping.

We're gonna see Daddy on TV,
it's gonna be great.

That would be great, honey.

Mom, you should
give him a break,
he's trying.

What more can you ask for?

And he's famous.

He's famous.

-Let's do it?
-Great. Mm-hmm.

You know this is
amazing, right?

You get to
have your moment.

Not everybody gets to
have their moment.

Hmm.

I'll see you
when it's over.

[romantic pop song playing]

♪

Well, if it isn't
Don fucking Rickles.

[gunshot]

-Don't fucking move.
-Don't you fucking move.

You, get out of the bed slowly,
face the wall.

[Dom panting]

I'm so sick of your
fucking whining.

Dom,

what the fuck?

Oh, my God.

Dom, I got some
guys with me.

They can hide you out,
come with me.

No, bro.

You do your thing, Sammy.

You're fucking talented.

I'm proud of you, bro.

I always loved you, Dom.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

-Kill it.
-Excuse me.

You're on in five minutes.

I'm so sorry.

What's going on out here?

I just ran into
some old friends.

Okay, let's go.

[Ian] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the show,

we are happy to have him,
give it up, you guys,

for the very funny,
the hilarious, Derek Hesh.

Thank you very much,
thank you.

First, I'd like to start
by saying hello to my daughter.

Maddy, look at this,

your father figured out a way
to get on TV
with absolutely no talent.

I'm obviously not the first one.

Um...

But first, I'd like to
set the record straight.

My name is actually
not Derek Hesh.

No, my name is Sammy Legucci,
and I'm from Brooklyn, New York.

-[cheering]
-That's right.

Thank you.

Um, you know, I didn't
Google this or anything

but I'm pretty sure
I'm the first comedian
in the history of comedy

to be doing The Show
while still in
the Witness Protection Program.

Yeah, the Program's got
a new thing they're trying,
they throw you on TV,

and just hope for the best.

Uh, but the truth is,

having a loudmouth comment
for everything

is actually not a bad way
to get into comedy.

I mean, I've been in the program
for, like, a month now,

I must've
offended the whole town.

Um...

But to figure out
how I got here,

we got to start with my family,
ha, my family.

My dad,

last thing he said to me
before he left,
he was like,

"Son, you're the man
of the house now."

I'm thinking to myself,
"I'm seven."

He was a bank robber.

Not a good one,
we never had any money.

The guy was unbelievable,
the guy was unbelievable.

I mean, the last time
I saw him, he went out
for a carton of milk,

the next time I saw him,
he was on
the carton of milk.

I mean, he kept sending me
pictures of himself.

Always wearing the same thing,
an orange jumpsuit.

I just thought
he liked Halloween,
what do I know, right?

But, you know,
I made a promise to myself,
I would never be like him,

no, siree,
I would never be like him,

But I figured
life's a gamble, right?

I mean, I made it
all the way here on a bet.

So you know what, from now on,

I'm gonna bet on myself.

That's right, I'm gonna
bet on Sammy Legucci.

[audience clapping]

I appreciate your time,
thank you very much,
thank you, thank you.

Maddy, I love you so much,
I'll see you soon.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

[audience cheering]