All language subtitles for Sexual.Animals.2019.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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[tranquil music playing]

[Lauren] Adam,
what are you doing?

How am I supposed to know if my underpants
are clean if they're all the same color?

Oh, gross. You could like,
I don't know,

put your clean clothes in a different
spot than your dirty clothes.

I don't know, actually fold them
and put them in drawers.

How am I supposed to find
the time for that?

Again, plenty of solutions,
you could play less video games.

Ew, come on. [laughs]

You could watch less Netflix
or drink less.

Or we could just have less sex.

[Adam] Oh, I could never do that
to you.

I know how much you love having
me flop around on top of you.

[Lauren] Geeze, Adam, why are you awake?
It's not even 1 PM yet.

I have my Animal Behavior class
and then Bill's birthday thing.

- Finally going to do that keg stand?
- Yeah, hopefully.

You better do it soon. I'm pretty sure you
like, can't graduate if you don't do one.

Yeah, one semester left.
It's going to be so weird.

How are you supposed
to throw your cap?

When I... I threw my cap up really
high when I graduated from high school

and it came down right in the eye
of the girl sitting in front of me.

Adam, you're supposed to throw it
like gently, directly in front of you.

What? But that's so boring.
That's not how they do it in the movies.

Do you have to go to class?

You know how hard it is for me to
sleep when you're not snuggling me.

Oh, I could maybe be coaxed
into a dalliance.

[chuckles] What's a dalliance?

Well, in this context,
it's morning sex.

Maybe afternoon sex.

Ah, ha! It is afternoon.

Then night sex?

Boo, that's just
the regular kind.

- Does that mean you're going to Bill's birthday thing?
- I can't.

I have to do stuff
with my brother's wedding.

[Adam] Oh, shit, that's right,
your brother's getting married.

- Put that in my planner.
- You don't own a planner.

Shit, that's right,
I gotta get a planner.

Adam, come on, there's like
a semester left of school.

That's true.

[yawns]

Come on.

- Come back to bed?
- And then I'll never get to class.

How many absences do you have?

None, it's a really
interesting class.

Come back to bed.

[soft music playing]

- Okay, but we better have sex.
- [Lauren] Of course.

Eventually.

[laughs]

[Professor Barkley] Welcome to
Zoology 313, Animal Behavior.

This semester we're gonna be taking
a look at the essential natures

and defining activities
of sexual organisms.

A significant portion of the
life of living things is directly

or indirectly related
to reproduction.

Now, just how significant
is that portion?

Well, we endeavor to
answer that question.

[grunts]

Happy birthday, motherfucker.
Grow up and drink a beer.

Beer. It's just what I wanted.

[Adam] Dude, this place is
disgusting.

Yeah, I was gonna clean up.

When?

It's my birthday.

This banana peel is from two months
ago, I swear to God.

Who am I trying to impress though?
You're never around.

- Always at Lauren's place.
- You didn't even lock the door.

- What have I got to steal?
- What about my stuff?

No, that's the whole
strategy, man.

Anyone who comes in here
thinks it's already been,

what, ransacked, pillaged,
rifled through...

Rooted around in? Wherein?

Rooted around as?

Rooted around within.

One stop root shop,
get your rudest rutabagas.

Just get in there
and root around.

If I didn't need this to ease the pain
in my testicles, I'd throw it at you.

Kalsbeek, what's the plan, man?
Kegger at your place?

No, I threw the Halloween party. And
I'm throwing the end of the year party.

It's a superhero party,
spoiler alert.

Just bring the keg here,
we'll do it here.

No, I'm not inviting
anyone to this zoo.

This is all Bill's shit. Bill,
can you clean this up before the party?

- I'm not doing shit on my birthday.
- Guys, gentlemen,

I have it all figured out, all right?
We're going to the bar.

- But I was gonna do a keg stand.
- [Kalsbeek] It'll have to wait.

- Oh!
- I made shirts.

- Why?
- It's a bar crawl. Spoiler alert.

I don't know,
what do you think, Bill?

I'm down.

Not wearing this shirt.

[upbeat music playing]

Red pants.

Are you in my, uh,
my zoology class?

Do you want to go
to the bathroom?

With you?

No, I mean, well, like...

No, I don't have to pee.

Okay, great, because
you're very attractive

and... and it's my buddy Bill's
birthday,

he's that one over there, and I was
wondering what you thought of him.

So far, all I know is that
he is male

and was born
on this day so many years ago.

Probably 21.

- Very close, 22.
- Mm.

So, what's he like?

Well, Bill is, he's a sort of...

- Well, let's just get him over here. Bill, Bill.
- Oh.

[Darbee] Wow.

Yeah, that's not, this isn't really
the way that people do this, is it?

- Certainly a unique approach.
- Right?

Hey, what's going on?

Why are we hanging out
near the bathrooms?

[Adam] Unknown. I'm trying to
sell you to this young lady here.

[Bill] How much am I going for?

[Adam] I'm not sure yet.

How should we determine value?

Slapface?

What's slapface?

Bill, I don't think that slapface
is a public venue sort of thing.

Too late.

I'm gonna go get another drink.

Yeah, hit me a little bit,
I want to feel it, man. Come on, come on.

- [man 1] All right, get...
- It's my birthday, dude!

Aye, you know, I've always
wanted to have a bar fight.

Yeah. We'd do well to find
someone else to fight with though.

Yeah, I think we'd be
really good at it.

- We've practiced enough on each other.
- Yeah.

[Adam] Where's Kalsbeek?

He was doing pretty well
with those girls in there.

He probably went home with 'em.

Which one?

Probably all of 'em,
knowing Kalsbeek.

- What's with that?
- I don't know.

Dude chafes me enough.

I'd hate to know what he'd do
to someone's vagina.

Why do we hang out with him?

I hang out with him because
you're never around and he is.

I'm sorry, buddy.

It's cool, but...
I miss you, man.

I mean, I get it, Lauren's
slightly more attractive than I am.

Attractive in a different way,
let's say.

You know, we can all hang out
together sometime.

I like Lauren.

Yeah. Maybe. Why not?

We could watch a movie,
play some video games,

some double penetration.

Ow!

[clatters]

People usually go to more than one
bar in a bar crawl, don't they?

[laughs] Yeah.

[upbeat music playing]

I'm leaving your mother.

First of all, no, you're not.
Second of all, no, you're not.

Whenever I leave the house
for any reason whatsoever,

your mother wants to know
where I'm going.

"Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?

How long are you
gonna be gone for?"

And then once I'm gone,
she's constantly checking up on me.

She probably texted me six times
since I got into town.

[Adam] Maybe she just loves
and misses you.

Don't be so naive, Adam.
It's so she can crush my spirit.

- Why are you here anyway?
- To see you kids.

Not that your, you know, doctoral student
sister can give me the time of day.

You drove all the way here
just to see us?

Hey, it's only an hour.

And now that I'm here, I'll probably try
to, you know, play nine holes with Fred.

That sounds more probable.

To be honest, any excuse to get
out of the house on a weekend.

Your mother is a slave driver.

It's like, "Scott, can you get the groceries?
Scott, can you kill that spider?

Scott, have you fixed
the toilet yet?"

Dad, I think you're
overreacting again.

Okay, I think maybe I should have never
gotten married in the first place.

- Dad!
- No, no, I mean, you kids are great.

I'm glad we cranked
you guys out,

but I just think once the kids are out
of the house, all bets should be off.

Remind me to put that
in my wedding vows.

No. You and Lauren aren't thinking
about getting married, are you?

I was joking.
But I mean, yeah, maybe.

It's been three years.
I've definitely thought about it.

Yeah, think about it.
I mean, don't stop thinking about it.

Keep thinking about it.
You know, just piss or get off the pot,

that's what I always say.

I've never heard you say that.

Speaking of pot...

Oh, God!

You know, I can't get
the good stuff out in the 'burbs

and I need it
to deal with your mother.

Dad, I think you have a problem.

Do this
or I'm leaving your mother.

And then we become roommates.

You're evil, you know that.

Come to the dark side
and bring the reefer.

Luke, Luke,
I'll leave your mother.

All right, all right.

Perfect, call you after golf.

There we go.

Oh, did you order for me?

No, did you want something?

- I can get you something.
- No, no. No, that's fine.

All right, see you later,
wink, wink.

I'm gonna need a ton
of mayonnaise.

[door opens, closes]

Holy... God! You startled me.

[Adam] I can see that, sorry.

You brought me a flower?
That's so sweet.

Mwah.

[chuckles]

Lauren, do you believe
in soul mates?

It's kind of a loaded term.

I know but it's important.

- Um...
- [typing]

Depends on what you mean
by soul mates.

To me soul mates creates this picture
of divinity, which is, I don't know.

[typing]

Why, do you believe
in soul mates?

People who believe in soul mates are like people
who believe in Bigfoo and Ancient Aliens,

people that watch
the History Channel. [laughs]

Yeah, but it doesn't
have to be...

like it could be scientific
or mathematical.

So, you do then believe
in soul mates?

No, not necessarily
soul mates, that's a...

Loaded term?

Yes, a loaded term, yes.

But I do believe in
like optimal mates.

Like everyone has to have someone that
they would be most happy with, right?

Like just mathematically,
it's... it's inevitable.

Okay, sounds like
soul mates to me.

Yeah, but it's... but...
but it's not the same thing.

Do you think
I'm your optimal mate?

Yeah. I think so, yeah.

[chuckles]

Why are you bringing this up?

No reason.

Are you proposing to me?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Good. [chuckles]

- But...
- But what?

I don't know, Lauren, we're...

we're about to graduate and we've
been dating a very long time

and things are going to change
after college.

Why do they have to change
after college?

You know what I mean.

Adam. [scoffs]

How many people
have you slept with?

Come on, how many? Tell me.

Three. You know that.

And is that all right with you?

Well, yeah, of course.
I mean, you're... you're the only...

Adam, don't.
Come on, it's not the point.

Just wouldn't you like to get a little more
experience before you commit to someone forever?

Are you... are you saying
you want to break up?

No. Baby, no, no.

But maybe we should take
like a temporary break

to see what else is out there.

It sounds like
you want to break up.

No. No, it would just,
to get more experience.

To get it all out of our system.

So, you're suggesting
a sex break?

Exactly. Just...

I don't know, to get a little
more experience, to get...

And then, hey, if I'm your optimal mate,
it should work out perfectly, right?

I don't hate it.

[chuckles] And spring break
is coming up.

Oh, we were gonna
go to New Orleans.

Oh, come on,
you go to New Orleans.

I'll go to Cabo with Kim.
A bunch of my friends are...

Fuck that, I'm gonna go
to Panama Beach with Bill.

Okay, that's excellent.

I am so happy that
you are into this.

Of course,
it's a really good idea.

[tranquil music playing]

This is so shady.

Adam, come on.

I'm a middle-aged white man reading
political cartoons in a newspaper.

I don't think I'm the primary target
for the local law enforcement.

Just be cool.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You didn't wrap it up in anything?

[clears throat] Actually, Sir, there's
an interesting article on drug deals

in this section of my newspaper.

Put it in there.

[cellphone ringing]

It's your mother. Gotta figure
out a way to block her number.

Hey, you talk to her.
I'm gonna roll a doobie for the road.

[scoffs] Doobie.

Hey, Mom, how's it going?

[Mom] Adam. It's so good
to hear your voice.

Yeah, yours, too.
How's it going?

Oh, just fine, fine.
How are you, my love?

Good actually, really good.

- Did you propose to Lauren?
- What?

Your father said you and Lauren
might be getting married.

No, no, that's not what...

You're not breaking up, are you?

No, Mom. No, we're not.

- Was she sleeping around?
- No! God, Mom.

I had a feeling. She was always so
eager to show off those legs of hers.

Mom, stop.

Everything's fine. Just... just...
just don't worry about it, okay?

We're... we're gonna be fine.

- Now, talk to Dad.
- Okay, bye.

Okay, bye.

Aren't you forgetting something?

No, I said bye.

You owe me for the, uh...

- For the drugs?
- Yeah.

I think I pay for your college,
don't I?

Well, I think we're square then.

Good, bye.

Wait a couple minutes
before you leave.

[dog barking]

- [birds chirping]
- [siren wailing]

[upbeat music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

- Hey, you're cute.
- Thanks.

- What?
- Can I buy you a drink?

- Sure.
- Awesome.

- What do you want?
- What?

What do you want to drink?
Like a shot?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

What kind of shot do you want?

[indistinct chatter]

Getting a bartender is like...

Hey, can I get two vodkas,
please?

Hey, shots, shots are here.

So, I... so, I'm in this
committed relationship, right,

but we're on a break for spring
break, we're on a spring break!

What?

$12?

[Professor Barkley] Now this one's
important. This will be on the next test.

Operational sex ratio.

Now this is important because it defines a great
deal of mating behaviors within a species.

It is the proportion
of willing fertile males

versus the proportion
of willing fertile females.

In spiders, for instance, the proportion
of able males is disproportionately high

compared to the amount of
willing females.

You might call it
a sausage fest.

[mouth words]

For this reason, male spiders have to work
very hard to persuade a female partner,

while females will have many
suitors with minimal effort.

[mouth words]

In many ways, this is also why
male spiders get eaten post-coitus.

- [gags]
- [coughing]

Can I get another one of those?

[coughing]

Hey, take it easy. You okay?

[Adam] [coughing] It just
went down the wrong tube.

I assumed you always
breathe in your alcohol.

Well, maybe it goes
to the brain faster.

Maybe you're just terrible
at drinking.

Well, there's plenty of time
for more practice.

Only if you provide a poncho
to every person in the bar.

[coughing]

Red pants?

- What was your name again?
- Darbee.

Oh, exotic.

- What was yours?
- Adam.

Oh, familiar.

[laughs] Guilty.

[laughing]

So, do you wanna stick around here or did
you want to move closer to the bathroom?

[laughing] No, this is fine.

[tranquil music playing]

[Professor Barkley] And now, sexual pleasure
manifests itself rarely amongst animals.

It's not something that
is ubiquitous, okay?

But it does have, uh, certain adaptive elements
and extra social uses in some animals.

Bonobos, for instance,
one of our closest relatives,

actually rub their genitals
together with each other

to alleviate social tension
and aggression.

So males and females, females and females,
males and males, the sex doesn't matter,

which is somewhat amazing considering
that other species of baboons actually

rip the genitals off
of competing males.

So if you think bonobos
are weird,

I don't know, I think the whole
thing's actually pretty neat to me.

Not... like the bonobos,
not the... you know, like,

I don't want to be ripped,
I want to be rubbed.

Not... not that like... not because...
you know... you know...

You know... [clears throat]

- All right, all right, I gotta stop.
- What?

- I'm not wearing protection.
- What?

[grunts]

Did it... did I go inside you?

How is that acceptable phrasing?

- I don't think so.
- You don't think so?

I think I blacked out.

[groans] When?

Sometime between the time that I met you and
when I found myself inside of you just now.

For crying out loud.

But that's, but okay, well,
don't take that personally.

It's not a reflection of
how I feel about you.

[Darbee] No, this was stupid.

Look, I had a good time.

How would you know?

Well, no. That's... that's...
it's a good point.

I took advantage of you,
it was stupid to do that.

[Adam] You took advantage of me?

- Yes, because of...
- I was into it.

No, no, no, because of the whole heartbreak
thing going on with your girlfriend.

- Oh, I told you about that?
- Only about 1,000 times.

That's, that's embarrassing.

It's stupid,
for your information,

to stress out about that
kind of stuff, you know?

I just wanted you to relax,
you know.

Goodbye. This was... goodbye.

Wait, wait, no, stop.
What are you talking about?

What stuff
am I stressing out about?

It's, whatever, it's like
the institutions, you know?

It's marriage.

Oh, God!

See, there you go,
that's what I'm talking about.

I don't understand why people
stress out about these things.

It's supposed to be about choice,
it's supposed to make you happy.

So, why do it
if it doesn't make you happy

or if you've gotta see other
people, for crying out loud?

Well, that's not...
that's not the whole.

No, I get that it's supposed
to be about more than that.

That's what it's supposed
to be about... or whatever.

But institutions, they make
people crazy and for what?

Well, you buy into it just
as much as anyone else.

No, I don't.

- Well, you go to school here, don't you?
- No, I don't.

But we were talking about
science.

Just because I don't go to school
here, that makes me an idiot?

Well, no, I mean,
not necessarily.

See, here's the thing.

You don't get any value
out of your degree.

You get value out of knowledge, so I
read a lot and I sit in on some classes.

[blows air]
[sniffles]

I don't know where I am.

Can I stay here tonight?

Yes, yes, please. Careful.

[grunts]

- [sniffles]
- [chuckles]

What were you... what was it we were
talking about before about duck vaginas?

[laughs] That makes sense,
I do that a lot.

It's really interesting, how do
you remember that but I don't?

- It was a weird conversation.
- Yeah.

Was I talking about
the different pathways?

Yeah, yes,
it's something about that.

Okay, so ducks' vaginas have evolved
so that they have different pathways,

so that they can...
they can, um,

divert male duck penises

that they don't want
inside of their vaginas.

That way they are in charge
of who gets them pregnant.

Because male ducks are all
rapey, like all the time.

Why would we be talking
about that?

I like ducks.

Okay.

[laughing]

[funky music playing]

[munching]

- [Adam] Dude, what are you doing?
- I'm pooping.

I can see that.
Why are your feet on the stool?

Oh, I like to get my knees up
above my pelvis.

It opens up the anus
or something, you know?

People have been doing this
for thousands of years.

It really helps.

Is that why the stool's
in there?

- Yeah, why else would it be?
- Well, hurry up.

[Bill] Stool!

♪ What is it good for?
Absolute pooping! ♪

[toilet flushing]

[Adam] Hey, Bill, guess what?

You had sex?

No.

[Bill] What,
did you not have sex?

No, yeah, but you said it.

Was that it? I saw her
when she left this morning.

- [Adam] I wanted to say it.
- Say what?

- That I had sex.
- There you go, you said it.

Did you bag it?

Oh, dude, you're reckless.
Did you goo inside her?

Unknown. It's probably fine.

She's probably on the pill.

You better hope so.
You don't want kids yet, buddy.

[chuckles] Yeah,
that would be the worst.

[peeing]

Ow, what the fuck?

What the fuck?

[typing]

[Adam] Bill, you ever get a
burning sensation when you pee?

Yeah, but I was 13.

I put my dick
in a lot of weird places.

What the fuck
do you want from me?

Bill, I have something
to tell you.

You've become a vegetarian.

One more guess.

- [Bill] It burns when you pee.
- That's the one.

What did you do with yours,
what was that?

That's just a urinary
tract infection.

They gave me antibiotics.

But there's this red spot here,
look at this.

I think I'll pass.

Look it up on your computer.

Put some pants on?

[Adam] Quid pro quo.

Ew.
Thank you, Google Image search.

What do we got?

- Is this what it looks like?
- Ew, ew, ew. No. God no!

Well, it's not third stage syphilis, but
we probably shouldn't rule out first stage.

What? No.

You don't think...

Fuck!

[Meghan] What do you want, Adam?

I know you're busy and you're trying to
keep this place professional or whatever.

Okay, if this is about Vicodin, you know
I'm only gonna give you placebos again.

Again?

Goddamn it, you're ruining
my placebo effect.

Excellent.
Now if you would kindly leave.

No, Meghan, I... I need you.
I need to see a doctor.

Well, then see a doctor.

I'm not out of
my fellowship yet.

You're close enough.

And I can't have this go through insurance
because I can't have Mom and Dad finding out.

That sounds like something I am
going to hold over your head.

Yes, that is certainly something to
consider but I wish that you wouldn't.

So it must be pretty bad.

Actually,
I need your opinion on it.

Gross, Adam, no.
Oh, my God! No.

- God!
- Come on, Meghan, I'm in need.

How did this even happen?

Did you cheat on Lauren,
you slut?

We just took a break and that is also
something you cannot tell Mom and Dad.

I do not wanna have
that conversation.

Well, I much prefer it to the
conversation we're having right now.

Come on, Meghan.

You have to give me back
my cardigan.

I only have that because I
still think you have my hoodie.

Well, you're never getting
that back now.

I knew you had it.

It looks better on me.

- Oh, but... but not the cardigan.
- It's a women's cardigan.

Irrelevant.

- Okay, fine, no deal.
- No, no, please, Meghan.

You've got a deal.

Adam, I don't wanna do this and please
could you just find somebody else...

Just look at my penis.

[Professor Barkley] Now what
Fisher is really talking about here

is the concept that biologists
call the costs of reproduction.

Now reproductive fitness, that's the driving
force behind all animal behavior, right?

But there are sometimes when there can be
consequences or drawbacks from reproduction

that can be unwanted.

Fisher, eventually, included this in his
fundamental theorem of natural selection,

which was then folded
into the Price equation.

But my question for you all
right now is,

what are some of the risks of
reproduction of sexual organisms?

I don't know.

What are you doing here?

You've built a fort in the
middle of the living room.

[Adam] It's my fortress
of fortitude.

And it seems to have
swallowed the television set.

Jurassic Park was on.

[Bill] Is this about the herpes?

[Bill] Come on, buddy.

Forts are supposed to be a happy
occasion, not a herpe occasion.

[Adam] It's not funny.

I was just trying
to cheer you up.

It's just herpes, it's not like
your life is ending.

My sex life is.

Eh, no one wanted to have
sex with you anyway.

Couldn't you just be better
about wearing condoms?

The herpes virus is spread
through contact with skin

that isn't necessarily covered
by condoms.

It could have been
anything else.

Any other STD is more curable
and less spreadable.

They're actually called STIs
now,

which makes me think that some IT
company got the raw end of that bargain.

Bill.

What about Lauren?

Are things definitely done
between you two?

Probably.

I don't really know how to deal
with that situation. It's weird now.

So, I can ask her out?

- Bill, shut the fuck up.
- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Did you tell her?

About the herpes? No.

I don't really wanna have
that conversation.

I haven't spoken to her
since spring break.

You should tell her.

What about that girl
from the other night?

Is anything going on there?

The one that gave me herpes?

[Bill] No. Still peeved about
that?

Yeah, a little bit.

So I was gonna say if you liked
her, it'd be sort of perfect.

Yeah. She was pretty great,
apart from the herpes.

[Adam] But she left
without saying anything,

so I assume that she didn't want a repeat
transaction, which would be fine, you know?

Because there was like three days when
I was excited to be a sexual being.

There was a little part of me that was
ecstatic about the idea of having sex

with multiple partners and not
having to have awkward conversations.

Now I have to let that
little part of me die.

Plus, I don't really remember
her name, so.

Bummer.

If you want to go out
for drinks, I'll buy.

No, I don't really feel like
doing anything.

[Bill] Okay.

Well, I'll be back later, buddy.

Feel better, buddy.

[imitates dinosaur]

- You want me to close this?
- Yeah. Yeah.

[serene music playing]

Now when the subject of altruism is
discussed within the scientific community,

evidence that is often used by
naysayers is the Price equation.

Who remembers
the Price equation?

It defines the different factors
of animal behavior

in relation to genetics
and reproductive fitness.

Right.

Dr. Barkley, does anyone ever
discuss George Price's actual life

in terms of the validity
of the equation?

[Professor Barkley]
It's pretty interesting.

For those that don't know,
George Price had a messy personal life.

However, after he developed
the equation,

he became somewhat obsessed
with the implication

that people could not
do good for good's sake.

So he spent the rest of his life
trying to help the homeless.

He gave away all his possession,
so on and so on.

Proving that humans
can be altruistic.

Oh, you know,
I think that's going a bit far.

There are better studies out there if
you're trying to argue on the subject.

Personally, I view it
as counterexample,

meaning that people that he was trying to help
stole from him, he ended up killing himself.

But doesn't suicide
go against the Price equation?

It doesn't serve an organism
to self-destroy.

I wouldn't say it goes against the Price
equation necessarily. You know what I mean?

Like it's just a formula to better
understand the behavior of organisms.

I mean, however, suicide
may be useful, right?

If it ends the consumption
of resources by an organism

so that it may be better used
by more fit kin.

Yeah, but that's not why
he did it.

He did it because
he couldn't help

and because the drunk
homeless people stole from him.

Perhaps, but, you know, at the end
of the day, he committed suicide,

so I'd say
that kills your argument.

In some sense, yes, but he tried,
he cared, he put in some effort,

which is something that I think
is very human.

I mean, yes, humans are animals, but
we have to be more than animals, right?

[phone vibrates]

Phone.

Oh, sorry.

[phone vibrating]

[phone vibrating]

[Lauren] Adam? Hello?

- What?
- Hey.

Is that all?

- Kyle's wedding?
- Yeah, so?

It's this weekend.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, that's... that's...
that's not gonna happen.

You have to.

Both of our parents are going to be there and I
don't know what exactly is going on between us.

- You were the one that...
- But I don't wanna talk about it right now

and I don't wanna talk about it
to my parents

and I'm sure you don't wanna
explain it to yours.

No, I guess not.

So, we're going?

Is there gonna be a keg?

No. And no.

Fine.

[sighs]

[upbeat music playing]

[Scott] Adam, you wanna dance?

With you? No.

No, come on. Why can't a father
have a dance with his son?

First of all, who leads?

You do. I wanna twirl.

Get your wife to twirl you.
She could do it, too.

Adam, I'm not kidding.

She's a terrific dancer,
your mom.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Then why have I never
seen you two dance?

Because I cannot and I'm too stubborn
to learn, but she is, uh, magnificent.

High praise for a woman
who you're going to leave.

Hey, a lot of stuff happens with
two people over a lot of years.

And some of it sucks
but now I'm drunk, so.

I'm thinking about what I said
the other day and bullshit.

Marriage can be a, you know,
a beautiful institution.

I'm glad it happened to me and
I'm glad you happened at all.

Did I ever tell you how you happened,
like in detail how we conceived you?

- [Mom] Okay, okay.
- I was just telling Adam how we conceived him.

Yeah, how come you are
traumatizing our child?

And why aren't you dancing
with Lauren?

- Did you guys have a fight?
- No, Mom, we're fine.

Honey, I know all about it.

When you've been together as long as you two
have you are going to irritate each other.

Trust me, I know.

You hurt my feelings.

You know what, I'm gonna get another drink.
I'm not gonna get one for you.

And that's called revenge,
family style.

Come on, sweetheart.
I can tell.

You've never been good
at hiding your wounds.

What was the tiff about?

Even if that were the case, which it's
not, doesn't that mean it doesn't work?

- What doesn't work?
- The relationship.

Sweetheart, let me tell you
something.

All the fish in the sea out there
happen to be strikingly similar.

That's a really depressing
thing to say.

It's the truth, sweetheart.

I mean, at the very least,
you're never gonna find one

that doesn't peeve you off
at some point.

Just go talk to her.

[Scott] All right,
knock off your jawing.

Let's hit the dance floor.
Let's go.

I'm gonna do it, let's go.
Or I'm gonna get another drink.

Okay, you, go dance with her.
Don't throw it all away. Go.

I am gonna go deal with this
wreck of a husband that I...

Oh, God! Oh! Oh!

[grunts]

Your mother's a terrific dancer,
I'm gonna step it up.

[Mom] I don't even have shoes,
put me down!

Go. Go.

- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Kyle. Congratulations, Sir.

Thanks, man.

I suppose you wanna get in here?

- I mean, it's your wedding.
- Oh, no, no, no, go ahead.

She's stepping on my toes
anyway.

Okay, speak for yourself,
you klutz.

It's my wedding and I can step
where I want to.

- So, I guess we should dance?
- Are ya sure?

You hate dancing.

I mean, we have to make
a show of it, right?

Sorry.

- My parents think that we're fighting?
- Yeah, mine, too.

Are we?

I mean, fighting isn't
the right word.

Then what are we doing?
What's going on?

I don't know. I don't...
I don't know how to feel.

Adam, come on.
You knew the conditions.

You've had as much time
as I have.

Yeah, I know, but I just,
I thought that I was going to be able to

have sex with someone else.

Come on, you've had extra time.

Haven't you closed the deal
with someone yet?

Yeah, I have.

Okay, and isn't that
good enough for you?

Can't we just end all this weirdness
and go back to what we were before?

Come on, Lauren, I don't even
know what we were before.

Happy? I was happy.

It's become a lot more
complicated than that.

Why does it have to be?

[Kyle] Hey, attention, everyone.

The bride will be throwing flowers
over there, so everyone look that way.

We're gonna cut the cake in 10.

Figure we could kill a joint
in that amount of time.

Ah!

People who should be happiest
end up having no capacity for it

because they're so worried about
whether or not they're gonna be happy.

- You know what I mean?
- Like happy on the day or happy for like...

On the day.

But the other one, too, I guess.

Yeah, I get that.

I mean, I don't have
personal experience but...

Oh, you will.

Or will you?

- I'm assuming you and Lauren...
- I know, I don't know.

[Kyle] You know you don't know?

[Adam] I mean, I know.

I... I know what you're asking,
but I don't know the answer.

[Kyle] No need to get heavy,
man.

Oh, I mean, I didn't mean to.
You know I was just...

Enough said.
It's probably the weed talking.

I'm protective of her.
She's my sister and shit.

Yeah, I hear you.

Not that I'm trying to pressure
you into anything.

No, no, no, of course, not.

But I feel like I should defend
her honor, whatever.

Who knows if she has
any honor to speak of?

And you're probably
a better judge of that.

But I feel compelled
to say something.

Yeah.

I mean, Kyle, I don't know
if we're getting married

and that's the only answer
I have really.

I mean, it's been a smooth road, but I
just don't know if I wanna stay on it

or if I have gone as far
as I wanna go, you know?

- Say no more, my friend.
- Do you get that?

Shit, yeah, man.

Defining moment,
defining decision.

Trying to figure out
if you're gonna stick it out.

Not to be taken lightly.

Any pointers?

For deciding if you wanna
get married?

[chuckles] No way, man.
No, that's tough stuff.

That's for you
and your chosen higher being.

Definitely a question
for a wiser man than I.

[beep]

- There you are.
- [Adam] Ooh, are those for me?

No, you dingus,
I caught the bouquet.

[tranquil music playing]

Hey. Do you wanna talk?

Yeah.

[sighs]

Adam, I miss you.

Can we just go back to normal?

Lauren, things can't...

I don't think we can
roll the clock back on this one.

Oh, I see.

- It's complicated.
- I get it.

- Probably don't.
- Excuse me?

- You don't think that I get it?
- Hold on, just let me...

No, no, no, no,
I understand it perfectly.

You wanted to wait until my brother's
wedding to break up with me.

God, real great timing, Adam.

- Whoa, that's not it at all, Lauren. There's more to it.
- Oh, my gosh, what?

You can't be with me because
you think I'm some kind of slut?

Or because you are not "adult"
enough to accept the fact that

I've had casual sex
with other guys?

Jesus Christ, Lauren, calm down.

Do not tell me to calm down.

All right, I'm sorry.
I am begging you, hear me out.

- I slept with someone...
- So you say.

Right, and since then...

Yeah, yeah, you've slept with
someone and I've slept with Bill.

So, deal with that.

[grunts]

[upbeat music playing]

[car door closes]

[Professor Barkley] Now as a scientist,
I don't like to play favorites, all right.

I mean, the natural world is awash
with beauty in some way or another

and all of its disparate elements
are objectively equally beautiful.

So let me just say this: If I have a
free moment, I watch elephant seals.

Now, elephant seals,
they're harem breeders or colony breeders

and they fight pretty much continuously
but especially during mating season.

I mean, they fight to establish dominance,
they fight to preserve territory,

but, ultimately, it's about
getting that action, right?

And keeping that action,
should circumstances arise.

I mean, come on, who wouldn't want
a piece of one of these studs?

[upbeat music playing]

[ligher sparkling]

[cars passing]

The sun.

Am I right?

I guess you could say that.

- You know what's worse than the sun though?
- What?

Your best friend having sex
with your girlfriend.

Jesus Christ, can we move on?

Like I told you multiple times I
wanted to sleep with your girlfriend.

Call me crazy but I assumed
that was a joke.

Which was funny
because it was true.

Adam, Lauren is... really hot.

Lauren's a babe.

And, of course, that means that if the
opportunity presents itself then...

All I'm saying is that if you want
to sleep with your girlfriend,

chances are someone else does,
too.

And she was freed up to do that,
so.

I am not talking about her,
okay? I'm talking about you.

It's not like it was some plan.
I wasn't scheming anything.

You never wanted to go out,
so I was stuck going to the bars alone.

One night Lauren's there
and then...

- And then what?
- Then it happened.

Happened, just happened?

Yeah, it just happened.

I don't think I facilitated it
but maybe I did.

Fuck you.

Look, what does it matter now?
You have herpes.

If she takes you back,
she's a saint.

If she doesn't, who cares?

I do.

This is a serious
breach of trust.

How so?

Best friends don't sleep
with girlfriends.

How am I your best friend?

Seriously, how would you define
a best friend?

I know everything
about your life,

even down to those fine more disgusting
details that I don't give a shit about.

When was the last time
you asked me how I'm doing?

How my life is going?

34 days.

34 days I've been waiting to tell you
that I got into UC Irvine for grad school.

I'm going to California after
graduation to look at apartments.

What do you care?
You got your own problems.

The herpes.
A girl who loves you.

That was never a problem.

You could've fooled me.

She was all you ever
talked about.

Whenever you weren't out
with her,

you were back at home
complaining about her

and I introduced you.

And I liked her first.

That sucked.

Yeah, yeah, but...
yeah, I mean, yeah.

Fuck.

And it doesn't excuse anything,
but there it is.

[sniffles] I'm sorry.

Me, too. Kind of.
Not as much as you.

Okay.

Did you at least tell her, yet?

Nope. Really gotta do that.

- Sooner than later, I'd say.
- I know.

Well, do you have any exams
this week?

[tranquil music playing]

[Professor Barkley] When
raised by non-kin offspring,

some salamanders have
a developmental switch.

So this causes them to grow larger
than their fellow nest mates,

they grow huge teeth,
and they develop an urge to digest them.

Now Tim Bergen discovered
that these same species of birds

would rather sit atop a
synthetic eggs of a brighter hue

rather than eggs that were
actually their own,

what he referred to
as a supernormal stimuli.

The same reason we enjoy
big fat cheeseburgers.

Now these same birds also have a
mating song that varies regionally,

so if one bird were to relocate,
its ability to mimic that regional variant

is what determines its ability
to reproduce successfully,

giving us once again another example of
how reproductive fitness is correlated

to one's ability to adapt.

[tranquil music playing]

Are you going to that
superhero party?

Yeah, I was thinking about it.

[Adam] Yeah, I kinda want to go but
I don't have any superhero stuff.

You don't have anything?

No.

What were you gonna go as?

The Amazing Girlfriend Fucker.

That wasn't funny.

I was thinking about going
as Captain 'Merica.

[Bill] Did you shave?

I didn't really feel like it.

Say grizzly lumberjack
Paul Bunyan?

I don't really have the height
or the lumber.

Oh. You could be Jesus.

Oh, Jesus did all sorts
of super things. Yeah.

Jesus can walk on water;
Jesus can turn water into wine;

Jesus can turn fish and loaves
into more fish and more loaves.

Those are all superpowers.

You don't think anyone
will be offended?

Would I be able to borrow
your white robe?

Nah, I traded it for drugs
one time.

Damn it. Foiled.

Who says he wears a robe?

Loaves, fish.

Captain America?

Captain 'Merica.

Holy water?

Yes, please.

Oh, my God!

Not cool, dude.

I'm sorry, man.

It's college, I just assumed
no one's religious.

Yeah, fuck.

You know, anyone with a problem
with post-modern Jesus

has their own issues
as far as I am concerned.

Probably.

But WWJD though, right?

Yeah, fuckin' GD.

Goddamn.

No, get drunk.
Where's the keg?

I don't know. I'll go find it.
Stay here.

[upbeat music playing]

Adam. You're here.

- Hey, Lauren.
- [Lauren] When did you get here?

Just a second ago. You?

I've been here since eight.
I'm wasted.

Have you "calmed down"
since the whole...

No.

I mean, yeah, maybe a little bit
but I mean, come on...

I can only carry two beers.
Who's this?

Oh. Weird.

Yeah.

Cheers.

Is one of those for me?

No.

I'm outta beer.

- Lauren, wait.
- I can't. Oh, my God! It has been so long.

- Not that long apparently.
- Oh, my God! Shut up, stupid. I meant with you.

God, I have, mwah, missed you.

- And Bill will suffice in my absence.
- Oh, God!

Shut up, I don't care
about Bill, okay?

I'm sorry, I made a mistake.

You are all...
that I care about.

Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, stop.
Lauren, we have to talk.

Oh, my God!
I don't want to talk, okay?

We have talked ourselves
into too much trouble.

- Let us fuck...
- Stop!

I have herpes.

[scoffs] Excuse me?

I have herpes.

Nobody's happy about it
but that's the truth.

Wow. This is...

So it's understandable
if you don't...

I mean, I understand
if you don't really want to.

I mean, we probably shouldn't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, probably not because
it's kind of a problem, you having herpes.

Jesus. [chuckles]

We were gonna get married.

I know.

I guess that's off the table,
huh?

No. I mean, yes, yes,
definitely yes.

I would say definitively yes,
we are not getting married.

That's awfully big of you, Lauren. I mean,
your generosity is just overwhelming.

What? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm supposed to
stay with you because I feel bad for you?

Fuck you, Lauren.

If it helps,
I was sleeping around.

[Adam] Yeah, that was the
agreement.

No. No, like before that?

[Lauren] I was sleeping around.

- What the fuck does that mean?
- Adam.

Come on, it's college.

It's meant for fun
and exploration.

- Then why stay in a relationship?
- Because I loved you.

Past tense already, huh?

I guess it just didn't occur to me that
maybe you would want to get married

and it hadn't occurred to me
that maybe I would, too.

God, I gave you the same
opportunity I gave myself.

Adam. Spoiler alert,
Bill had sex with Lauren.

[sighs]

- So, Lauren was sleeping around.
- [scoffs] Yeah.

No, like for a while.

- Like more than just me?
- Apparently.

Oh, shit, man. I'm sorry.

Like, for how long?

I don't know.

But you know what? Fuck that.
What's up with you?

Oh, oh, okay.

Not much.

- Crazy in there, eh?
- Fuck, yeah, it is.

There's weed upstairs
and beer pong downstairs.

Last night of college.

What are you thinking?

[upbeat music playing]

- Who wants to hold my legs?
- Keg stand!

[woman 1] Keg stand!

[all] Five, six, seven, eight,
nine, 10,

11, 12, 13, 14, 15,

16, 17, 18, 19, 20.

[Darbee] Adam, Adam, Adam,
talk to me. Are you okay?

- What? Why am I on the floor?
- Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

It's you! It's... D... D... D... D...
something that starts with a D.

- Darbee.
- Yes, you gave me herpes.

- What are you talking about?
- You ruined my life.

Please, Adam, did you
hit your head on something?

No, damn it, I'm fine.
I'm standing up.

Please, don't stand up, Adam.
You need to stay on the ground.

See?

Jesus has risen.

[thud]

[clapping]

[sighs]

[vomitting]

[indistinct chatter]

- Damn it, Adam.
- Hey, Megazord.

What happened?

I cannot believe
you wake up now.

She's here all night
waiting on her test results

and she just leaves
and now you decide to wake up?

I can go back to sleep.

No, no, you're not going
back to sleep.

God, you basically forced me
to test her for herpes?

I felt like such a jackhole.

You are a jackhole.

No, you are a jackhole, Adam.

- She doesn't have herpes.
- Who, Dinty?

[Meghan] Darbee, you dumb. It was
probably Lauren that gave it to you.

Oh, damn it, that's the worst.

No, Adam, you're the worst.

How is it that I know
Darbee's name and you don't?

- I was close.
- Okay, you need to get up, get outside

and apologize to that girl,
pull your shit together, and do it quickly

because we have to meet Mom and
Dad for your stupid graduation.

[groans]

- Darbee.
- You're alive.

Yeah, just barely.

Don't you have something
to say to me?

Yeah, sorry.

Sorry and?

And congratulations on not
having herpes, that's great.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Some of us do have herpes,
so that's a biggie.

You know, you act like you're the
only person that has any problems.

- You're graduating today.
- [Adam] So? You don't even care about college.

Actually, I do.

I wanna get my degree someday.

But unlike you I actually
have to pay for it myself.

And because of your shenanigans last night,
I missed my shift at work this morning.

And I left my keys
in that house,

so now I get to walk across
the town in this stupid outfit.

How dare you,
that's a fantastic...

- This is all your fault!
- I'm sorry.

Stop saying you're sorry.

Say thank you
for saving your life.

Thank you for saving your life.

You get it?

She gets it.

[mumbling]

- Hey, Professor?
- Oh, oh, hello, yeah.

Where is... where is graduation?

I... I thought that it was in
the auditorium next door.

You know, I like to think that
graduation is inside all of us.

What?

It's... it's humor. I'm joking.

Never mind, I'm sorry.
I have no idea where your graduation is.

[Adam] Aren't you supposed to
be there?

[laughs] No, I'm still
pretty new here.

Oh, right.

Are you a biology student?

No, anthropology, but I took
your Animal Behavior class.

Okay, so human behavior for you.

Yeah, but maybe I'll try biology when
anthropology doesn't change my tax bracket.

Good luck with that.

What'd you think of
my class though?

Like, you know,
if you don't mind?

It was good.

It... it made me think
about things differently.

[Professor Barkley]
Differently in what way?

It made me think about things in my
own life, about human interaction.

No, sorry, I gotta stop you
right there.

I really hope you're in
the minority on that.

I mean, it's just like,
so little of what I've taught here, man,

is about directly
translating that to humanity.

I mean, that's the
whole problem.

That's... that's why I'm here on the weekend
trying to sterilize my gestures, right?

It's just that you college
students are so sexualized,

somehow you can't like, remove
things from your own experience.

Whoa, you're here trying to
make yourself less sexy?

The problem's
anthropomorphizing, all right?

I'm sorry; I should have
made that more clear.

I mean, are we as humans completely
outside of these constraints

I've been talking about?
No, not at all.

It's just that we have
separate priorities.

A different social field,
different parameters.

We have a consciousness that allows us to
take better control of ourselves, all right?

So when you think
about all that, I mean,

humans, we can analyze what's
best for the individual or society

long before natural selection.

We can look out for
our best interests

or broader interests or leave
the classroom completely.

You would never leave me, pizza.

You would never leave me.

Argh. [munches]

I should have married you,
pizza.

[sniffles] I should've
married you.

[serene music playing]

- Thank you.
- What was that?

I said thank you
for helping me last night.

You're welcome.

But also, you suck.

[Darbee] Excuse me?

Okay, look.

I don't know how we met or what we drank or
how I got you into bed in the first place,

but I think we had a good time.

And... and I know I don't know you,
so that's stupid and this is stupid,

but you were gone in the morning
and that hurt.

So I'm just having
a little trouble.

Yeah, there's lots of reasons
why people do stuff, okay?

That's really vague.

Meaning it's not like it
didn't mean anything to me.

But, hey, you were clearly
gonna get attached.

- Nuh-uh.
- Yeah-huh.

And you were also
clearly reckless.

The no condom thing?
Yeah, that was pretty reckless.

[Darbee] Agreed.

I'll give you it was only herpes,
but what if it had been something worse?

Either way,
be more careful, okay?

[Adam] Yes, okay.

Also, you don't have
to worry about it.

I won't be having sex
with anyone anymore.

[Darbee] Haven't you seen those
commercials where the guy is like,

"I have herpes" and then
the girl is like, "And I don't."

And the implication is that they're
shacking up, so, obviously, there's hope.

And maybe one day
you'll meet somebody

who will like you a lot
and they'll think it's worth it.

[Adam] Wait, why are you
still here?

The door is locked.

I think everyone's
at graduation.

Well, I'm kinda glad
no one is home.

[Darbee] I just wish I had
a pillow so I could take a nap.

Hold on.

[laughs]

Why didn't you just
bring me my keys?

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry, I am not banging on
all cylinders this morning.

Oh, it's fine,
just give me the pillow.

[sighs]

Is there any more room
in that hammock?

Yeah, come on.

[grunting]

- Aren't you going to miss graduation?
- Yeah.

The important thing is
that you celebrate it.

I think last night will do me
for a while.

Yeah.

Hey. Be here when I wake up?

[Professor Barkley] I hope to impart to you
in this class love for the study of life

because the beauty of it
really is unlimited, you know?

There's always something
going on behind the scenes.

There's always something brand new to
look at and a new way to look at it.

So let's get started.

[tranquil music playing]

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