All language subtitles for D.2023.S01E05.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

Welcome to "Discontinued."

I'm legendary actor and overall
symbol of excellence

Bruce Campbell.

I'm coming to you
from my impenetrable bunker

in the year 2037.

You see, AI
has ravaged the world,

and, amidst the ruins,
evil forces exert their control.

That's right.

No one can escape
those student-loan collectors.

My bunker is filled
with relics from the past,

and yet I don't have
a working printer.

Of course,
no one has a working printer.

[Bruce] Welcome
to "Discontinued."

Ever since we humans
hauled our hairy butts

out of caves...

Watson, come in here.

[Bruce] ...we've shared
the world with technology.

Hey, computer,
what's in the news today?

[Bruce] We let them in
but couldn't get them out.

It's nothing but good news.

Humanity is doomed.

[Bruce] And these AI a-holes
took everything.

Everything, that is,
except for the stuff

that was before their time.

So, here I am, Bruce Campbell,
sealed inside a cave

with the last shreds
of humanity's glorious past...

the stuff we discontinued.

We created this TV show to help
you folks

in the present
appreciate the past.

We know you won't listen,
but it's worth a shot.

[Bruce] And to do that,
I've co-opted the help

of two roving reporters
in your time.

Our task? Simple.

Delve into the wondrous,

discarded rubble
of humanity's golden age.

We'll hear the story
of how Borders...

Borders bookstore was a vibe.

[Bruce] ...got Dewey-decimated
by the Internet.

Surprise!
It went out of business.

[Bruce] We'll let sugar-free
gummy bears

work through our systems.

My asshole is burning.

-Crop-dusting.
-Wild dumps on the toilet.

[Bruce] And get out the squeegee
for a crystal-clear look

at the story of Google Glass.

Ooh, that's dangerous.

This, yeah, I'm only
using this for porn.

Ow!

[Bruce] But first, we need
to get serious, folks.

Frankly, not much is left

in this devastated
dystopian realm.

Remember the Smithsonian Museum?

It's now a Spirit Halloween
store.

The Smithsonian Museum
used to have artifacts

from Hollywood history,
like Dorothy's ruby slippers,

Fonzie's leather jacket,
and Archie Bunker's chair,

but museum curators
continually turned a blind eye

to the star-spangled
spandex onesie

from "American Gladiators."

This wild show
pitted average Joes

against a team of super-fit,
blow-dried bodybuilders

in a series of games
and obstacle courses.

Here's the lowdown
on "American Gladiators."

[Andre] Thanks, Bruce.

I'm heading up
the Hollywood Boulevard

to see if people
remember this 20th-century,

Roman-American gladiator
revival.

This ought to be interesting.

Well, do you remember
the television show

"American Gladiators"?
-Big foam padding.

Weren't they just fighting
with like foam stuff?

Big guys and girls
just fighting?

That's pretty much exactly
the show, right there.

Well, do you remember
the show "American Gladiators"?

Oh, they fine.
I know they fine.

-Yeah, sure.
-Yep, that's my husband.

The whole "American Gladiators"?

All of them -- I wanted more.

-Okay, wow.
-Just sign me up for that one.

Couldn't have summed up
"American Gladiators"

better myself.

But let's see
if these people can.

"American Gladiators" is one of
the greatest television shows

in the history of America.

♪♪

[announcer] From Universal
Studios, Hollywood,

this is
the "American Gladiators."

They took the real gladiators,
and they removed

all the things that's bad,
like death, live tigers,

but they kept all the things

that were great --
violence, injuries...

[announcer] Oh!

...homo-eroticism.
[crowd cheers]

[announcer]Unbelievable strength.

Best show ever!

You believe I get paid
to do this?

It was developed to kind of be
like the Olympics

meets the gladiator right there
on your television.

[Andre] It was sort of like
the Olympics.

All you really need to know
is that really,

really big men
and women beat the...

...out of smaller men
and women,

and you got points
for not dying.

So, yeah, Olympics-ish.

People were lining up
to get clobbered.

[announcer]Do you wanna be a star

on TV's ultimate competition
show, "American Gladiators"?

You have someone just basically
coming in off the street,

testing their strength.

[announcer] She's a model
and a modeling instructor.

Suzanne a registered dietitian.

A plumber from
Lake Ronkonkoma, New York.

It was a bit unfair
to have somebody

who work at the bowling alley
go up against an ex-NFL player.

When I first got up here,
I said,

"I must break you," and I did!
Yeah!

[Drew] It was the only place
in the world

where a dude on steroids
could just tackle a dude

who was in the Marines once,
so, we think he's an athlete,

break him in half, and we're all
like, "Yep, that's good TV."

These guys were hammering on me.

[Kristyn] People loved
"American Gladiators"

because people like the underdog
beating that Gladiator.

[announcer] Here are
your American Gladiators.

[Andre] These powerful men
and women

were larger-than-life gods

who proved that you didn't
need brains to make hit TV.

[announcer] Nitro getting ready
for a special challenge

in Power Ball.

A lot of muscles, baby oil.

Yeah, all of them wore onesies.
It was pretty interesting

to watch a grown man
with muscles wear onesies.

Just remember a lot
of brawny ladies with,

like, those tight-muscle chests.

You're like,
"Where did their cans go?"

I remember the names.

They all had weird
steroid names,

like Rage and Laser...
and Syringe.

[Drew] Nitro, Sky, Ice...

...Concussion Girl.

[Mike] My favorite Gladiator
was Gemini.

He was like the black dude
that was running the whole yard.

I wanted the contestant to win

unless they were
going against Gemini.

I wanted him to win
'cause he was blocking 'em

and knocking 'em off the ropes.

And Malibu, Malibu was my dude.
He had the big hair.

Yeah, he was like a Ken Doll
with muscles.

He always talked like a surfer,
and I remember one time,

there was a guy
who was swinging,

and he kicked him
in the forehead.

He folded up like a lawn chair,

but his hair was, like, still
puffy and wild like a lion.

You know, happens to the best
of 'em, you know, bro?

Alright!

Sweet.

"American Gladiator" wound up

being, like,
a cultural touchpoint.

Tired of people in Washington
acting like they're candidates

for the next episode
of "American Gladiators."

People from 10 all the way up to
90 fell in love with this show.

Dun-dun-dun-dun dun-dun!

Gladiators, you're done.

Dun-nah-nah!

[Andre] But all good things,

much like
the gladiatorial mullet,

must come to an end.

The first reason was that
it was expensive to produce.

They had to create
more and more challenges

that became very expensive
on the budget.

The other reason is the cast.

The gladiators were often
expected to work on two

to three episodes per day,
which increased their injuries.

[announcer] I don't think
anybody's home

after that collision.

[Kristyn] So, they needed more
and more gladiators

to be able to step in
at a moment's notice

and do the challenges.

[Andre] 15,000 gallons
of rainbow Lycra

and 30,000 gallons of baby oil?

It adds up.

And so it came to a wrap
in 1996.

But is any good idea
ever really discontinued?

From the Speedo
of "American Gladiators"

came prime-time gems like

"American Ninja Warrior"
and "Wipeout,"

proving that America
loves an underdog story,

as long as they get
the [bleep] kicked out of 'em.

Thanks, Andre.
And now it's time for another

"Discontinued in the Wild"
from the past in the present.

My correspondent Andrea Lopez is
out in L.A. ready to challenge

some unsuspecting people,
tee-hee-hee.

Gag me with a spoon, Bruce.

No, I'm just kidding.
I take that back.

You know what
we're talking today?

The '80s.
I'm here on Hollywood Boulevard

testing people's knowledge
on some iconic '80's slang.

So, let's get into it.
It's gonna be rad.

Alright, do you guys
remember the term

"Gag me with a spoon"?

-Choke them?
-Choke them out?

-Kill them?
-Okay.

"Gag me with a spoon"
is like people

were just getting
on your nerve,

and you really didn't
wanna hear that,

and, you were like,
"I wanna barf."

[ding]
Gag me with a spoon.

You got it. You nailed it.
This is a crazy word, "tubular"?

Tubular?

Tubular? I have no idea.

I didn't even know
that was a word.

When something's really cool,
it's tubular, yeah.

-Yes.
-Yeah, radical.

"Eat my shorts."

Eat my shorts.
[laughs]

I have not heard that one
in a very long time.

Like, go to hell?
[ding]

Like, kiss my ass.

Right, right.
What about "Where's the beef"?

Oh, the lady from
the Wendy's commercial!

Yes!

Okay, how does she say it
in the commercial?

"Where's the beef!"

"Where's the beef!"

[Bruce] Coming up...

How America's
favorite bookstore

went from wholesome hangout...

It was Disneyland for books.

[Bruce] ...to closing the book
forever.

Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Now, I saw firsthand
what happened to society.

People started using their
phones and Kindles to read.

See, before that, bookstores
were actually a thing.

But, like phone booths,
floppy discs,

and Jean-Claude Van Damme,
people just lost interest.

Borders Bookstores
was a huge deal once.

It had a made-for-TV story,

which was probably based
on a book.

So, let's turn back the page
on the Borders story.

Thanks, Bruce.

I'm here
in present-day Los Angeles

to ask local citizens
the simple question,

"What did Borders mean to you?"

-Barnes and Noble?
-Sure.

Okay, then, let's back up.

Before people TikTokked
and read books

on their iPads,
there was Borders,

a bookstore
that sold physical books.

Bookstores are boring.

All this fancy reading
going on, huh!

[Andre] Right,
but for bookworms,

Borders was a fast pass to fun.

It was Disneyland for books.

Borders bookstore was a vibe.

[Andre]Was it a vibe or was it boring?

The vibe was if a hospital
had a book section.

[Andre]Sounds like a real page turner.

So, how does this
epic story begin?

Borders was started
in the 1970s by two brothers,

the Borders brothers.
Hence, the name.

[Andre] Thanks for clarifying.
Anyway...

Louis and Tom Borders
set up shop in Michigan in 1971

with a store full of books
that would build an empire.

They pioneered the concept
of a superstore.

[Andre] A super-duper bookstore.

Incorporating not only books,
but movies,

DVDs, CDs, and cafés.

It's like the it place to go
if you want to be...

[Andre] You can say it.

...like, I don't
want to say a nerd.

Borders bookstore was the spot
if you were a nerd.

They also sold Pokémon cards.

-Nerd.
-Nerd.

-Nerd.
-Nerd.

It was like the club
for nerds, you know?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[Andre] So, what did all of
these nerds do there all day?

I don't know.

Let's go just
be stupid at Borders.

[Andre] That sounds fun.

I would meet my high school
boyfriend, 'cause it felt

like a place that was acceptable
for a young girl to go

and possibly get finger-blasted.

[Andre]I'll read what she's having.

It had this smell when you
walked in, and you're like,

"Ah, I'm here."

[Andre]The smell of teen romance.

There's that very distinct,

very odd feeling of smelling
a bunch of books

and immediately
having to go [bleep]

like right then.

[Andre] The Borders' lavatory
was the best place

in the world...
[toilet flushes]

...to spend 5 to 15 minutes

with a book
you never even paid for.

People used to hang out
at Borders all the time,

just mainly 'cause
their cats were tired of 'em.

[Andre] And from the growing
popularity of nerds,

boyfriends, and bathroom users,

at its peak, Borders operated
over 1,200 stores worldwide.

But just as the story
was getting juicy, plot twist.

By 2011 it was over.

I tell you, the main challenge
Borders faced

is they underestimated
the importance of the Internet.

[Andre] Yikes, that's a big one.

[Sherwin]
The only line of profit they had

was the purchase
of actual books in the stores.

After a couple years,
they realized, "You know what?

We don't want to deal
with this Internet thing."

And no online presence,
which did not work out for them.

[announcer] Introducing
the Kindle by Amazon.

It's all your favorite stories
in the palm of your hand.

So, they were very late
to the game with their e-reader,

whereas Barnes and Noble
and Amazon

were quick to market with that.

The thing about Borders
bookstore is they sold books,

and now nobody really has books.

Even kids in school
just have a computer.

In February 2011, Borders filed
for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Surprise!
It went out of business.

[Andre] It was a crushing blow
to bibliophiles everywhere.

Bookstores became museums,
and, books, collectors' items.

Just having something
in your hands

and then just the pages
and the turning

and just the smell of it,
like, there is a magic

and a culture there.
You know what I mean?

I definitely wouldn't be okay
with books going out of style

and everything's electronic.

I have a 9-year-old,

and she's like, "Can I download
these books on my iPad?"

"No, you're gonna turn
the pages."

So, keep the books!
We need the books!

Guess you'll have to just
buy one from Amazon.

Back to you, Bruce.

Thanks, Andre.

I may be living
in the year 2037,

but my heart is in the past.

It's also in a jar
at a medical-storage facility.

Anyway, there are some things
I miss from the past,

like Haribo gummies.

But things went a little sour
for the company

after introducing sugar-free
Haribo gummies.

Let's look back now at
the explosive chain of events.

Now, in theory,
a sugar-free gummy bear

sounds like a great way
to enjoy a tasty treat

without the calories.

So many people were trying
to be healthy.

'Cause you want that
gummy-bear body.

But if something sounds
too good to be true,

it usually is.

Yeah, you'll lose weight
because you're gonna

[bleep] everything out
that's inside of you.

Yeah, let's talk about
these little [bleep] bears.

Let's do it.

Haribo's sugar-free
gummy treats,

the unsweetened treats
that make you sheet.

[man singing in German]

[Andrea]That's scheisse in German.

[man singing in German]

[Andrea] Originally called
Dancing Bears,

since 1922 the German-born
snack was filled with sugar

and packed
quite the caloric punch.

Fight!

[Andrea] And, today, they
continue to keep sugar lovers

around the world happy and fat.

But, circa 2012, Haribo
had a new customer in mind...

I got a great idea --
sugar-free gummy bears.

[Andrea] ...diabetics.

Do the gummy worm sugar-free,
you know?

Worms get disrespected
all the time.

Can't take the sugar
out of the bears. Come on!

Bears eat honey.

They were tasty, zero calories,
less sugar. What could go wrong?

[Andrea] I don't know.
They're so delicious.

[dramatic music plays]

Apparently there was, like,
an ingredient

in whatever this sugar-free
stuff is,

in their formula,
was blowing backs out.

It was made with "Moltol"?
Maltitol.

Like, you can call it
whatever the [bleep] you want.

What you call it is a nightmare.

[Andrea] Our bodies can only
digest a small amount

of Malta...Malitol...

m...the "M" stuff.

And when the leftovers
reach your intestines?

My asshole was burning
for hours.

Kids don't know
that these gummy bears

are gonna blow your back out.

These little kids are eating
sugar-free gummy bears

and then just floating
across the room.

They're crop-dusting
their art class.

[kids laughing]

Music class --

elementary schools
must have had to be evacuated.

[Andrea] It wasn't a fire drill.
It was a gas leak.

In Haribo's defense, I mean,
on the packaging it did say

if you eat in excess you're
gonna run into major danger,

but who is sitting down
with a package of gummy bears,

reading the packaging,
and only eating one or two?

That just doesn't happen.

[Andrea] The best place to read
is on the can.

But, of course,
by then it's too late.

Thankfully, the Internet
and the news media

caught wind
of the flatulent gummies.

[reporter] "Not long after
eating about 20 of these,

all hell broke loose.

I had a gastrointestinal
experience like nothing

I've ever imagined."

Haribo sugar-free gummy bears
went viral on Amazon

when there was over 53 pages
of reviews, all negative.

[reporter] "Scenes
from the movie '2012'

could have been filmed
inside my gut."

There was things like
"upside-down volcano,"

"streams of fire,"

"Satan's wrath" and "power wash
for your intestines."

[reporter] "And I was never
asked to send snacks

to my daughter's class again."

[Andrea] Was that math? History?
Or farts and crafts?

The trauma of the sugar-free
Haribo gummy bears

I kept to myself.

I didn't know
it was so universal.

I didn't really understand
how big of a deal it was

until they had the sugar-free
gummy-bear challenges.

Today we're gonna be trying

the Haribo sugarless gummy-bear
challenge.

I am going to eat the entire
5-pound bag.

What are we doing here?
What are we doing?

Oh, I don't feel good at all.

To have it just
for the experience

of just taking wild dumps
on the toilet.

[man] My butt literally feels
like razor blades

are slicing into it.

I'm out. I'm out, man.
Who's doing this?

[Andrea] Everyone was doing it,
but the sugar-free product

was a stain
on the Haribo brand.

I have ass-ploded
about five times already.

[Andrea]And it was time to flush.

[toilet flushes]

Now, mind you,
if you are constipated,

that's probably the best-tasting
laxative in the world.

That would have been
a great commercial.

"Do you eat 'em in the morning?
Do you eat 'em at night?

They sugar-free but keep
that butthole tight."

Tasty and cleanse you out --
Haribo's sugar-free gummy bears.

♪ Happy world of Haribo ♪

Food for thought.
Back to you, Bruce.

[Bruce] Coming up...

"What the [bleep]
is on your face?

Are we not gonna
talk about this?"

[Bruce] ...we examine
Google's fruitless search

for a hit product.
[Kristen] Are you kidding me?

You're putting my phone
on my face?

[Bruce]And the results are in,

Now, let's move on to a product

that was supposed to be
the next big thing

but didn't exactly pan out.

Google Glass was
the futuristic eyewear

that promised to revolutionize

the way we interact
with technology.

Now let's get a clearer picture
of Google Glass.

Roll clip, Google Glass.
Roll clip.

Roll it...Google?

Are you there, Google?

Piece of crap.

Don't worry. I'm here, Bruce.
And it's always been my dream

to order Chinese food
through my glasses

while still looking like Cyclops
from the X-Men.

Can I put this on?

[Andrea] Well, in 2012,

when Google announced
Google Glass, they did it.

Does it go this way?
I mean, what is this?

If I remember correctly,
I can put these on.

Can I -- am I supposed to see --
here's the first problem.

What is happening here
with the glasses?

This, yeah, I'm only
using this for porn.

[woman moaning]

Wait. Are you watching porn
on your glasses?

Mute.

[Andrea] Google Glass
was the first wearable

augmented-reality device...

Who wants to see
a demo of Glass?

[Andrea]...launched out of a blimp...

[man] And they're off!

[Andrea]...and then marketed by models.

It's awesome.
I'm so excited.

[Andrea] Wait, wait, but what
did it do again?

It had a transparent display
in the top-right corner,

which would show you things
such as text messages,

the weather, the time.

Are you kidding me?

You're putting my phone
on my face?

Bring in the LED.

[Andrea] It was the future,
and the future looked cool.

Google Glass was the first sign

that maybe the future
was gonna suck.

Look at me right now!

Wow! I feel like a cyborg.

I feel like the black character
on "Star Trek."

Come on. What are we doing?

-It's ridiculous.
-Yeah, this is fine.

Someone at Google thought
this would be fine.

[electricity crackles]
Ow!

[Andrea] Okay, but the GPS
function was useful.

What if I'm driving?

You can't have a bunch
of words coming up.

You're gonna end up
walking over people.

You're gonna end up killing 'em.
[Andrea] How?

Just because you're driving
a 2-ton vehicle

that kills on impact?

Ooh, that's dangerous.

[tires screech]

Oh, you can't.
I can't do that.

[Andrea] Fine.
But it was affordable.

These devices started at $1,500.

[Andrea] Yeah, but everyone
was wearing them.

Do I know anybody
who's owned Google Glass?

No.

[Andrea] Google Glass
was confusing,

made you look uglier.

It was dangerous,
also expensive,

and generally unacceptable.

There was a reason why people
with Glass

were termed "glass-holes."

Traffic on the way here
was weird, right?

You'd be like, "What
the [bleep] is on your face?

Are we not gonna talk
about this?"

This is like an instant
punch-you-in-the-face machine.

[reporter] This woman, wearing
the funny-looking glasses,

says she was hassled
by customers in a bar.

Could you imagine
just walking in,

someone had Google Glass on,

and they're just looking at you,
and you're just, like...

[record scratches]

"Is this dude Google-Glassing me
right now?"

[as Schwarzenegger] It's not
a tumor! It's Google Glass.

How do I know if I'm
getting recorded, though?

That's scary, though.

The public did have reason
and cause for concern,

because, yeah, you have no idea
what they're recording.

[Andrea] No shoes, no shirt,
and no way are you bringing

Google Glass into this bar.

So, if eyes are the windows
to the soul,

Google Glass is the stalker
sitting outside that window,

collecting all
of your biometric data.

[reporter] See, if I were to
take those away from you now,

would you miss them?
-Yes.

[Andrea] That one lady
and peeping toms everywhere

were SOL when Google
discontinued Glass in 2015.

I'm glad I missed out on this.

[Andrea]In 2017 they tried again,

this time with a rebrand
for the medical field.

Glass, can you pull up
the healthcare maintenance

for Micah?

[Andrea] No one cared,
and, in 2023,

it was discontinued again.

It just shows, even smart people
can come up with dumb ideas.

But none as dumb as wearing
Google Glass into a bar.

[reporter]
One confrontation won't stop her

from seeing the world
through Google Glass.

Back to you, Bruce.

We learn that every
transformative tale

must eventually come
to a bittersweet end...

"American Gladiator"
giving us the muscle-bound,

spandex-clad athletes
we didn't know we needed,

until we didn't
need them anymore...

With Borders bookstore turning
the page to chapter 11...

Sugar-free Haribo gummies
giving colons everywhere

a run for their money...

Google Glass, allowing users
to see the future,

and it was a future
without Google Glass.

These modern marvels may have
faded into the past,

but we continue to cherish
their legacy in the present

so you can enjoy them
in the future

or some crap like that.

I'm Bruce Campbell, signing off
from my bunker,

proving once again
that talent is timeless.

See you next time
on "Discontinued"!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪