All language subtitles for The.Truth.About.Cats.and.Dogs.1996.1080p.BluRay.x264-PSYCHD.eng

Thank you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, great.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

Don't touch that dial.

It's not Texaco's hour
at the Metropolitan.

It's Dr. Abby Barnes with
"The Truth About Cats & Dogs"

and you're on the air.

- Hello?
- Hi.

Oh, hi. This is Charles
from San Pedro.

And, okay, my question
is I'm worried about

my basset hound, Clothilde.

- She doesn't wanna seem to eat.
- Doesn't wanna eat.

Well, you know what, Charles?

Usually, Basset hounds don't
wanna eat what they can't smell.

- Does she have a cold by any chance?
- Oh, she is coughing a little bit.

Okay. Is it a dry,
wheezing like...

...type of cough,

or is it a wetter,
phlegm-based cough?

It's like the first one,
more like the wheezy one.

- Okay. Can you put her on?
- The dog? On the phone?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Clothilde, come here, baby!
Come here.

Okay, here she is, Doctor.

Oh, baby!

Yeah, she's got a cold, Charles.

You're gonna have to
take her to the vet.

- Right now?
- Right away.

- Yes. Hello?
- Hello?

Yes, my name is Dan, okay?
And I have a cat.

And he licked up and down my face, and
now I got this awful-lookin' rash.

You see what I'm sayin'?

- You're allergic to his saliva, Dan.
- No, no, no, I'm not.

I mean, you know,
I never have been

prior to this occasion is
what I'm talking about.

But you're saying he licked your face
and now it's all gross, correct?

- Well, yeah.
- Okay.

How long did this
tongue-bath last?

Well, let's see, it
started at 1:00...

- About three hours.
- Oh, Dan.

No, no, it doesn't
seem to hurt him any.

Right, because that's...
he's a fur person, Dan.

He chases imaginary bugs up the wall.
Are you gonna do that, too?

- Imaginary? No.
- No, no.

Okay, this is a good time
to talk about limits.

You can love your pets, but just don't...
love your pets.

You know what I mean?
Repeat after me.

Us, them.

Hi, babyhead!

How are you?

Wanna come read with me, huh?

Sweetest of all possible
sweet cats in the world?

Huh? Huh, sweetie?

I think we're gonna paint
this weekend. Yes.

You're going to paint,
and I'll watch.

Now you can watch me read.

Well, can I have a kiss? You
didn't kiss me when I came home.

Kiss.

Thank you. Thank you, my lovely.

Noelle?

Down the hall!

Come on, baby, open up.

- It's me.
- Ass. What an ass.

- You're not Noelle.
- Not today, no.

But try again tomorrow.
Who knows?

- You might get lucky.
- Is she... I mean, is she...

Over here, Roy!

Aw, man.

- Sorry.
- It's okay.

Hello. My fish, he's depressed.

My vet said to bring
in a blood sample,

so I tranquilized him in
a 10% diazepam solution,

but he's not moving now.

And I wanna know if you think
I should take him out.

Absolutely. You're sedating
him, not poaching him.

You gotta get him out of there.

We're gonna take a little break,

and then answer some
more of your calls.

Don't go away.

- Ready?
- Bring it on.

Fan mail, fan mail, fan
mail, horse too fat.

- Oh, my God.
- Bad dog, mad dog, sad dog.

- Stinky cat problems.
- We're back in 30, Abby.

Thank you.

Oh, my gosh.

Hey, hey, Mario. I know her.

No, you don't. Women like
that don't really exist.

Yeah-huh. This one
exists in my building.

Abby, you've got a caller on line
3 who says his dog is hysterical.

Hi, this is Dr. Abby Barnes.
You're on the air.

This is Brian from Venice.

Hi, Brian. What's up?

Well, I've got a dog here

that's a bit out of sorts.

Mm-hmm.

And what's wrong with your dog?

This is gonna sound strange...

He's wearing roller skates.

I see. And how did your dog
end up in roller skates?

Well, actually, he's not my dog.

I got him from the
pound this morning.

I'm a photographer and it's all
part of this shoot that I'm doing.

I thought you said this
guy was a professional.

Oh, no, no, no. He
is a professional.

He's just used to dealing
with Chihuahuas and poodles.

It's the dog that's
unprofessional.

Everyone, it's gonna be fine...

if we all just stay calm, okay?

You've got to help me here.

All righty, let's help the dog
first, and then we'll help you.

Right now your dog is feeling
very, very threatened,

so if you wanna get close
enough to take the skates off,

you're going to have to approach
him in the submissive position.

- I'm sorry?
- Get down on all fours.

You want me to help you,
you have to do what I say.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, now crawl toward him
with your head hanging down

and cocked to one side, and
do not make eye contact.

Don't make eye contact. Okay.

- Okay, how are you doing?
- He seems interested in me.

Now, you have to make
him feel comfortable.

You're gonna have to soothe
him with your voice.

You hear how I can make my voice
sound very, very soothing?

Yes.

Good boy.

Okay, now reach out your hand with
your fingers curled under like a paw

and try and touch his coat.

Shit.

Jesus.

Are all your digits
intact, Brian?

- Yep.
- Okay, now move forward.

Just gently stroke his ears,
putting pressure at the tips.

That's an acupressure point.

Okay, just take it easy.

You're doing good.

Okay, careful. Go for the ears.

- Go out to the tips of the ears.
- Okay.

Gently. Okay?

- That sounds good.
- It's incredible.

Good boy.

Thank you, but we'll
be leaving now.

Oh, no, no, no. You
don't have to leave.

You've gotta understand what
these dogs are getting paid.

They're in the union now.
They're hard to work with.

- We appreciate the opportunity.
- Can you leave the child?

- No, I don't think so.
- You can't turn your back on art.

Let's get these things off you.
Who put these things on you, eh?

Brian, I'd like to take this
opportunity to congratulate you

on the newest addition
to your family.

What? No, I can't have a dog.

- Well, why is that?
- Well...

Well, I live alone.

Trust me, you're gonna
like this a lot better.

- Maybe, but it's a big responsibility.
- Is that a bad thing?

No, not necessarily. It just
depends on what you want.

He's a big dog, which is
gonna take a lot of...

Give Eric your name, and
we're gonna send you

some pamphlets on
canine dental care.

...which I obviously haven't
got time to do if I want to...

- And, Brian?
- Yeah?

I forgive you.

Yo, come on, man, let's roll.
We're ready to roll.

You've got the shot. You've
got millions of shots.

No, I think this is better
than the thing with the boy.

So, what are you gonna do? You
gonna meet us over there later?

Yeah, maybe. I don't know.

I've got to make him his dinner,
then get his bed ready,

and then I don't think
he should spend

his first night in a
strange place alone.

- Do you?
- Don't get too attached to this dog

and get weird on me, all right?

And plus, his mouth is all juicy

like his gums sprang
a leak or something.

It's meant to be juicy. They
dribble when they're hungry.

Hank.

So what do you think?

What would a girl
find more romantic...

tulips or roses?

- Well...
- Forget it. Susan will know.

- A messenger just dropped this off.
- Thank you.

- And line 2's for you.
- Thank you.

- What?
- What's more romantic...

tulips or roses?

Oh, that's so cute!

This is Abby.

- Hello, this is Brian.
- Yes?

We slept together.

Me and Hank. Did you
get the picture?

Yeah, yeah. I'm looking
at it right now.

- He spent the night.
- Oh, that's so great. How's it going?

Yeah, well, he snores,
which was a problem.

- But we solved it.
- How'd you do that?

Well, he slept on my face and
I couldn't hear him anymore.

That's a good solution. I'm
glad he decided to keep you.

Yeah, so am I. I just
wanted to say thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.
It was my pleasure.

And I'd really like
to say it in person.

How about you meet
us for a drink?

Um...

Or a walk, a walk
along the canals.

Why would I meet a listener
I know nothing about

except he puts roller
skates on his dog?

Good question, good question.

Well... I didn't want
to say this upfront,

but I've got this really
bad case of mange.

And it's terribly itchy, you know.
I just can't stop licking it.

- Oh, hmm.
- So, I was wondering if you could

recommend an ointment or at
least have a look at it.

What the hell?

Okay, how about the
Washington entrance at 5:00?

- Great. Well, I'll see you there.
- Okay. Me, too.

Great. Okay. Bye.
No, wait, wait.

I forgot to ask you
what you look like.

Why do you need to know that?

Just so I can recognize you.

Oh. What do you
think I look like?

I don't know... if the voice is
anything to go by, you look great.

I'm 5'10", blonde, thin...

hard to miss.

Okay. I'll see you there.

Okay.

No, you won't.

Can we just go?

Just go back inside and
change your dress, please.

I look fine. Your friends
aren't gonna complain.

What are you doing?
You look fat.

No, come on. Don't be like that.
Let's just go.

- Noelle, shut up and get back inside.
- What are you doing?

- Get back inside.
- Look, I've already

changed my dress three
times, and I just really...

No, I know, but you
look fat in that thing.

So go in and change the
dress, and do it now!

- Roy... ahh!
- Dumb bitch!

- Did you call me?
- What?

I'm sorry, I heard "dumb bitch." I
assumed you were speaking to me.

No, I'm talking to her.

You're kidding. Your
name is Dumb Bitch, too?

No wonder I've been
getting all your mail.

Do you think we
could be related?

Because there are a lot of us
dumb bitches here in LA. Hi.

Hey, cat lady, mind
your own business.

Why don't you leave before
I use this bow on you

in a way you've only imagined?

Here. Imagine that.

You know what?

You're not just a dumb bitch,
you're an ugly dumb bitch.

Oh.

And you...

later.

Wow, that was...

I don't know what that was.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

God, I'm sorry about the violin thing.
I'll buy you another one.

- That was your boyfriend?
- I go out with him.

The thing is he's
also my manager.

You pay him 10% to
treat you like that?

15.

Hey, he says that's normal.

I don't know. He
used to be sweet.

What are you supposed to do?

I mean, you gotta have
a boyfriend, don't ya?

Otherwise it's just
you and a cat,

and the next thing you know, 40
candles on your birthday cake.

- What does that mean?
- Oh, no!

- No, I didn't mean you.
- Forget it.

This is absolutely
none of my business

and I will not be
interfering again.

Sorry.

I didn't mean you.

Do you have a computer yourself?

No. My husband does. And he's
on the thing all the time.

He doesn't even play
with the kids anymore.

What does he do
with the computer?

- She's right over here. Okay?
- Okay. Uh-huh.

Hi.

Did you know violin
bows were like cars?

Meaning?

Well, they go from your
basic low-end bows...

something like a Geo or a Hyundai,
which I personally drive,

all the way to your
high-performance

Porsche-like bows, which
play like the devil.

I... I got you this...

well, it's like a Toyota,

which was all I could afford.

Aw, thank you.

Just give me some time and
I'll upgrade your bow.

Don't worry about it.
It wasn't your fault.

This is really nice.

- Wow.
- Yeah. You wanna sit down?

- Can I?
- Sure.

- Promise not to laugh?
- Sure.

I'm taking broadcasting
lessons myself.

That's great!

Newscasters... you know,
they're so dignified.

They always know everything.

Yeah, it's the news. They get
the information beforehand.

No kidding. That's
why it's so cool.

You find out before everyone.

- Usually, I'm the last to know.
- Oh.

Hey, how about you play hooky

and we go score
ourselves a cappuccino?

All right. That
sounds pretty good.

These are leaking on me, though.
I'm gonna get a vase.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Come here, come here. Let's go.

Testing.

Good evening, Riverside.
This is the news at 5:00.

Okay.

Hey!

I know that dog.

I don't think he likes me.
Can you get him away?

Come here!

Hi, sweetie!

Why do I know you? Why do
I know your sweet face?

Oh, my God. Oh, my...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Um, um, um... you
have to help me.

There's a guy out there
and I was supposed

to have a date with him,
and this is his dog.

And I just want you to be me
when he comes in here, okay?

Sorry.

He ran in and then the
door was locked and...

- Sorry.
- Brian, right?

- Yeah. Hi. Abby?
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi. It's lovely to meet you.

You, too. This is
my friend, Madon...

- Donna.
- Hi.

Hello.

Hank.

You didn't show up yesterday.

No, I'm sorry.

We had this emergency
thing, didn't we, Donna?

- Yeah, cat emergency.
- Dog... it was a situation.

- Feline panleukopenia.
- It happens, but it's okay now.

- What?
- Nothing. Sorry.

It's just you sound completely
different on the air.

Oh! You should hear
me in the shower.

Microphones, darling...
they work wonders.

Yeah, I've heard that.

I just didn't want you to
think that I was some weirdo.

Oh, no.

And that's why you
didn't come yesterday.

It's just that what you
said to me on the radio

was so clever and perceptive.

And if you hadn't
said what you said,

then I wouldn't have
kept Hank here.

And...

I just wanted to say thank you.

- That's so great.
- Yeah, that's great.

Thanks. I've taught him a trick.
Do you want to see it?

Mmm.

Okay. Come on, Hank.
Up you come.

Yes! Good boy.

Give me a kiss. Give
me a kiss, come on.

Come on.

Yeah, I've gotta do
something about his breath.

Anyhow, I don't suppose
you want the drink now?

- Guess again.
- Great.

How about tonight?

There's a bar on the
corner of Main and Pier.

Meet me there 7:00?

Wild horses couldn't stop me.

See you there.

Come on, Hank. Come on.

You like him and he likes you.

- Don't pretend you don't.
- I don't!

Did you hear what he said to you? I
wish a guy would say that to me.

- He did say it to you.
- No, he really said it to you.

And now you've gone and
confused everything

'cause you're a scaredy-cat.

I may be somewhat
trepidatious, yes.

I'm not some big, dumb dog

that goes bounding after
the first guy she sees.

- I'm not dumb.
- I didn't mean that.

- Besides, you're the dummy.
- I am?

Yeah. A nice guy like that
with that accent, arty,

and you won't even
have a drink with him?

You.

Then he sees me. Over.

I love the way you look.
You've got a pretty face.

- Oh. No.
- You're a celebrity.

I don't expect you
to understand this.

You burp and guys
think it's adorable.

You puke and they line up
to hold your hair back.

I can tell you for a
fact that's not true.

Whoo hoo hoo!

Nice trick, moron.

- What?
- "What?" Oh, my God!

Really? Three years, no sex?

One can survive, you know.
This is the electronic age.

But even cats have more sex
than that, don't they?

Not mine. Are you
gonna eat that?

I don't eat.

You don't eat? You ordered it.

I love to order, I love menus,

but I gotta keep
the calories down.

- God, how can you live like that?
- I know.

- Do you believe you are what you eat?
- I guess.

See, that's what scares me.

I don't eat anything so I can
look good on the outside.

But on the inside
there's nothing.

Oh, I see.

Whereas you, on the other hand...
you're very rich.

Thank you.

- Do you hear a bzzing? Bzzz?
- Just a bee.

Is that a b-bee...
bee bee bee bee!

- Aah aah!
- I'll get it.

Aah!

Hey! Hey...

What are you... You! Stop!

It's dead.

No kidding.

- I killed it.
- You certainly did.

You're gonna be all
right now, so...

She's fine. We're fine.

Everybody's fine, right?
Great. Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

What's wrong, Abby?

Nothing that a rooftop and
an AK-47 won't take care of.

- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.

Good, good. It'll be fun.

It'll be easy. No problem.

- Hey!
- Don't want to see him.

Come on.

- It'll be fine.
- It's not gonna be fine.

It'll be just fine.

What is this? Is this cat hair?

I'm shedding. I'm
extremely nervous.

Okay, just head up. Be proud.

- Feeling good.
- Yes, sir.

This makes all the difference.
Thank you.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Remember?
- Hi.

- Donna.
- Right.

- I'm gonna go and, um, freshen up.
- Okay.

Oh, and Donna's got this
loopy story to tell you.

Actually, it's funny.

Maybe you can help her
with the punch line?

Okay.

- I'll have a J&B and a Corona.
- Okay.

Can I have a J&B and
a Corona, please?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Of course. Of course
I would do that.

So, what's the funny story?

Oh, I don't know if it's funny
so much as interesting.

Men and women and
how they interact.

We have societal pressures and
even the media feeds into it

and we have our
own insecurities,

me especially.

You have a little fuzz.

- Got it, got it, got it.
- Thanks.

- So, you're wondering why I'm here.
- No. I mean, y... no, not at all.

I mean, I think I
know why you're here.

- You do?
- Mm. And it's fine.

That's great, 'cause I was...

I think it's really nice
that you've come along

to screen me for Abby.

Abby. Right.

There's a lot of very
odd people around,

particularly the types who
phone into radio shows

and then ask the presenters
out for a drink,

which is honestly... it's not
something I normally do, but...

- I really like this woman.
- You just met her.

I know, but you know when
you speak to someone,

and then you meet them?

And then there's
really no choice.

Nothing you can do about it.
You just feel it.

So what do you do, Donna? Do
you work at the radio station?

- I make cheese.
- Cheese?

- Yeah.
- Really?

I've never met a cheesemaker before.
So, what sort?

Goat cheese.

Oh, that's the stuff
that smells of vomit.

- No, that's Parmesan.
- Yeah, of course.

Mine's more of a
fromage, really.

And it comes from the south
of France, the Pyrenees,

where I have acquired
a number of goats

through a freakish inheritance.

Occasionally I'll
take trips out there

and sometimes Abby
accompanies me

to check on the general health
and well-being of my goats.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Everything out in the open?

Oh, you mean about? Yeah, sure.

Totally understandable.

You see?

She thought you'd be all
bent out of shape about it.

Not at all.

I think friends should
look out for each other.

Although, flying across the Atlantic
to check up on her goats is...

You know, when you come with
me to check on the goats

for the goat cheese that
I make for a living.

Her cheese balls make
excellent Christmas gifts.

- Here we are.
- Great.

I don't know... I was
mesmerized by his eyebrows.

They say so much about a person.

Did they say "goat cheese" on them?
Why didn't you just tell him?

I don't know! I was
staring at him.

He was so uninterested
in staring back at me.

I don't want that kind
of disappointment.

Disappointment doesn't kill.

Right. Rejection kills,
disappointment only maims.

Okay, here we are.

Just go through.

- This is it. Château Brian.
- Nice.

Hi, baby!

Ooh. The dog really likes Donna.

I can't seem to
get ahold of him.

He's just jealous. Dogs,
they can sense... you know.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, are these yours?

Yeah. Don't look at those.
They just pay the rent.

There's not a lot of art
in a catalogue shoot

unless roller-skating
dogs qualify.

Dada meets Fido.

That was funny.

- Roller-skatin' dogs.
- Hey!

- I'd like to see that.
- Hey, look at these.

- These are beautiful.
- Yeah, but they don't pay the rent.

Hmm.

What do you think?

Ask Donna. She knows more about
this arty kind of stuff.

Brian, this is a beautiful shot.

- This one? Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah. I love those
textures right there.

Yeah? That's one
of my favorites.

Yo! Can we come in?

Of course you can.
Ed, this is Abby.

- Hi, Abby. How are you doing?
- Hi. Abby.

- And Donna.
- How are ya?

Yeah, all right, all right.

Oh, this is my niece, Emily.

What?

Oh, yeah. You can
ask her yourself.

- Is it okay?
- I forgot to ask.

Ha.

Hi. What is it, sweetie?

Aah! Oh.

- I'm sorry.
- No, it's fine.

When they heard that there was
gonna be a real vet in the house,

I just assumed they
could come over.

- That's a really beautiful tortoise.
- He's got pneumonia.

- Aw.
- Yeah, we took him to the vet

and he gave us this hypodermic
full of antibiotics.

We're supposed to give him
a shot underneath his arm,

but we can't seem to keep
him out of his shell.

So we were thinking that
you could help us out.

Sure, you can. You can do that.

Of course.

Um, let me just
go wash my hands.

Donna?

She is all that and
a bag of chips.

- Who's the other one?
- She makes cheese.

- I hate needles. I hate turtles.
- Shh!

Why don't we just tell him now?

He was definitely into you when you
were talking about his photographs.

He's amiably tolerating my presence
till he can be alone with you.

Now, all you have to do
is grab the turtle's leg,

hold it steady, and
give the shot.

- How do I get ahold of his leg?
- Very simple.

You're gonna poke him in
the butt with your finger.

You want me to stick my
finger up a turtle's ass?

Hey, what's this? Your
palms, they're sweating.

- Malls make me nauseous.
- I did the turtle for you.

Yes, you did, and you
did a brilliant job.

You and I combined make
the perfect woman.

No, you and I combined make the
perfect political prisoner.

What we really do well is act
self-righteous and starve.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Okay.

We need the spring-bride blush

and the Absentia pore minimizer.

I'd actually like a pore
maximizer if you have one,

because sometimes you just wanna put
loose change somewhere, or keys.

There's this TV
station in Riverside.

They're looking for
a weekend anchor.

They've asked me if I'd
audition for them next week.

That's so cool! That's great.

Would you listen to
my audition piece?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

79 people drowned and
another 200 were in...

Wait. Okay. Just cool. Okay.

79 people drowned and
another 200 were injured

when a passenger ferry
caught fire last night

just off the coast of Scotland.

Stymied by a dense fog, rescuer
workers could only hear

the desperate screams
of the victims

as their four-mile journey turned
into a tragic and watery end.

That was good. That
was really good.

But you might wanna make the
carnage a little less upbeat.

Oh, I know. I just
get tense and I...

You're right, you're right.

No, it was great. And you
might wanna breathe more.

This is nice, but it's
a little bit smelly.

We also have this new face cream
which neutralizes the free radicals

- that attack the skin.
- Ooh.

Let me ask you... what's
your skin regime?

- My regime?
- Mm-hmm.

The regime from which the
radicals are trying to get free?

Are we selling face cream
or staging a coup?

Let me show you something.

Do you see how dry and
discolored you are?

Do you see the
irreversible sun damage?

You haven't been taking
care of your skin,

and it's only going
to get worse.

God, I can't believe it.

I can't believe I let
her do this to me.

I know exactly what
she was doing.

Shit. Do you have a tissue?

I think she might have
put one in the bag

with your gift-with-purchase.

Oh, God!

Men don't go around buying
all this expensive crap,

hoping women will
want them, you know.

If I was a guy, I think women would
be lining up to go out with me.

I'm smart,

I have a good sense of humor,
I make a great living.

I'd fuck ya.

Thank you, honey.
I know you would.

I'm just confused.

One minute she's one thing,

and the next minute she's
something else completely.

Yeah, but women are
like that, though.

No, but I mean there's something
off-balance about her.

On the radio she's
confident and articulate.

And then you get her in
person, and she's just...

I don't know... she's scatty.

- Oh, she's scatty?
- Yeah.

Anybody that fine... it
doesn't make any difference.

- Yes, it does.
- I'm telling you, it doesn't.

You know what your
problem is, right?

You're letting your brain do
too much of your thinking.

I've got something for you.

"Loser Guys and How
to Spot Them."

Are You a Victim?"

- No.
- Wait. Question one:

"Do you feel you need to be
punished for how you look?"

I don't need to be punished.
I am punished.

That's why you can't tell Brian.
It's low self-esteem.

I don't even care about Brian.
That is history.

- I think it's more of a current affair.
- What does that mean?

Last night before we were
leaving, I told him to call me.

To call me? You
gave him my number?

- Your number.
- Why would you do that?

Why did you do that? You like him.
You like him.

- I have a boyfriend.
- Oh, right.

Who'd want Brian when
you could have Roy?

- Here you go.
- He likes you.

You know, the way you
talk, the things you say.

- You're the voice. I'm just the body.
- And what a body it is.

Hello?

Hello, this is Brian. Could
I speak to Abby, please?

This is she.

- What are you up to?
- Nothing. Just hanging.

Well, listen, I was thinking
maybe I could come round

and take you out for dinner.

How does that sound to you?

Oh, that's not possible.

Right. Go for a walk?

Sorry. Can't do that, either.

Well, how about we just talk?

Talk. Okay.

Fine. Let's talk.

But could you talk to me in
that radio voice of yours?

Could you do that?

Yeah.

- Yeah, that I can do.
- Great.

You know what kills me about
him is he just lays there

and lets me rub his stomach.

He's totally trusting, knows
I'm not gonna hurt him,

loves me unconditionally.

That kills me. People
are never that cool.

No, they hardly ever let
you pet their stomachs.

Mm-mm.

And I really like smelling his
cat breath when he yawns.

- You think that's weird?
- No, not at all.

I've done the very same thing...

probably... once.

Your voice is muffled.
What are you doing?

I just took my shirt off.

- Really?
- Really.

Is that portentous or
merely noteworthy?

It's rank, actually.

I went for a run earlier and I
have this remarkably manly,

animal-like, pungent stench.

Look, I know we're not
eating or walking,

but what would you say
to having a bath?

- I was shy, too.
- You're kidding.

You don't strike me
as the shy type.

No, I was, really... painfully
and desperately shy.

And thinking about it, I suppose
that's why I ended up taking pictures,

as sort of a detachment
thing, you know what I mean?

Ah, yes.

Oh, he knows you're
talking to me.

He's probably jealous.

I doubt it.

Salt, pepper, granulated
garlic, mayonnaise, of course.

Of course. Now for the
important question:

Do you have a
position on pickles?

It's more of a deeply
held belief, actually.

Oh, really? A pickle conviction?

- Mm-hmm.
- Go ahead.

When it comes to tuna fish, I
am emphatically anti-pickle.

Hmm.

Do you know, I knew
I could trust you.

"My mother leant herself
to the photograph.

Fearing that refusal
would turn to attitude,

she triumphed over this
ordeal of placing herself

in front of the lens
with discretion."

Now you.

So, you are?

Yes. Are you?

Yeah.

Say something.

I want to make love to you.

Sorry. Never on the
first phone call.

No, don't... don't do that.

If you do that,
we'll chicken out

and we won't do what I
think we're about to do.

Okay, just let me do one thing.

Oh, God!

Okay, hi.

Hi.

Okay. So, where's your hand?

It's nowhere.

Where's yours?

Nowhere.

Wow.

Hello?

Abby?

Abby?

Abby? Hello?

Sorry. Sorry. I
dropped the phone.

I was afraid you'd
met somebody else.

God. Just give me a
second to collect myself.

Man.

I've never done that before.

Me, neither.

It's almost time for breakfast.

- Yeah.
- I wish you were here.

- I wish you were here, too.
- Okay.

Brian?

Brian.

Brian!

Brian, no!

♪ Pull over the car, ♪
♪ pull over the car ♪

♪ I think I see a five-fister ♪

♪ Pull over the car, ♪
♪ pull over the car ♪

♪ My dad wants to break up ♪
♪ with your sister ♪

♪ I don't wanna, I don't wanna, ♪
♪ I don't wanna, I don't wanna ♪

♪ I don't wanna, I don't wanna, ♪
♪ I don't wanna, I don't wanna... ♪

Abby?

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪

- Abby.
- Over here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Look, I brought some...
some breakfast.

- Can I come up?
- No.

Why not?

Because first, it will be
awkward, and then strange,

and then weird and then awful.

- What?
- Tonight has been so perfect.

Let's wait for another
night to screw it up.

Can I at least see
your face before I go?

No. I have a
pore-minimizing mask on.

Well, then, throw
something to me.

Throw something you've been
wearing, and then I'll go.

Wow, it's a Ked.

- Will you shut up?
- What's your problem?

- It's 4:00 in the morning.
- You'd better go.

Okay.

Good night, sweet Abby.

Pleasant dreams.

79 people drowned and
another 200 were injured

when a passenger ferry caught
fire last night just off...

Sleeping here, Noelle. Can't
you see I'm sleeping?

Sorry, Roy. Sorry.

Just off the coast of Scotland.

Stymied by dense fog,

rescue workers could only
hear the desperate screams...

I said shut up, Noelle!

Jesus!

- Hi.
- Hi.

I had the most amazing conversation
with Brian last night.

We spoke for about seven hours.

- And I'm telling him today.
- Seven hours.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

What? Tell me.

It turns out Roy is a loser.

Tell me something I don't know.

Oh, oh, I was kidding.
I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no. Don't cry.

Oh.

It's okay.

You are no longer allowed to read
this destructive literature.

Don't read that.

Oh, no. Please don't cry.

You're okay.

- How are you gonna tell him?
- God, I don't know.

I was thinking about
it all last night.

I just wish there was
a way I could do it

without actually
having to doing it.

- Is your show on today?
- Yeah.

I'll go to his house and
I'll turn on the radio.

And?

Have you ever noticed how
Superman and Clark Kent

are never in the same
room at the same time?

Hi.

Can I come in?

Yeah, of course. Come in.

- Oh!
- Sorry.

- So... you came over.
- Yep.

Last night was...

- Yeah, it was, I know.
- Wasn't it?

So...

Buttons?

- What?
- Sew buttons?

- I don't... What?
- It's nothing.

It's just something my
grandmother used to say.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So... buttons...

could I get you
something to eat?

- Tuna sandwich or something?
- I don't eat tuna.

- Yes, you do. You ate it last night.
- I did? I did, I did.

In the car, on the
way over, I quit.

- Dolphins.
- Dolphins. Right.

Well, there's plenty of
dolphin-friendly food in the kitchen.

- Good.
- I'll be right back.

Okay. Can I turn some music on?

- Uh-huh.
- Okay.

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye-bye.

"Afternoon Becomes Eccentric."

KRWW... talk radio and more.

What do you think of that?

What do I think?

Yes.

- It's nice.
- Mm.

- It's kind of dark.
- Yes. You know,

I was in a dark mood that
day when I took that.

If you'd let me, I'd really
like to take your picture.

Maybe tonight.

Maybe.

Or whenever.

This stuff's left over
from a shoot that I did.

I hope you like sweets,
'cause that's all there is.

Oh!

I don't eat that stuff. I
order it, but I can't eat it.

Of course you can.

You take it one bite at a
time and it all goes down.

- No.
- No, really.

- Mm.
- Is that nice?

Mm.

Mmm!

Mm.

This is so good.

More?

- Ready?
- Mm-hmm, mm.

♪ I know the way these things begin ♪

♪ But I don't know ♪

♪ How I would live with myself ♪

♪ What I would give of myself ♪

♪ If you don't go... ♪

- No more?
- You see what you did?

♪ It won't do ♪

♪ To dream of caramel ♪

♪ To think of cinnamon... ♪

I've got something for you.
I forgot.

- It's a book.
- Yeah.

It's the letters Simone de
Beauvoir wrote to Sartre.

What? You haven't got
it already, have you?

No, I don't have it already.

It's just that...

no one's ever given me a book before
that didn't have pictures in it.

Well, I'm glad you like it.

I love it.

Wow, I mean... it's...

- A book.
- A book!

It's funny how self-conscious
we both are, considering...

What do you mean,
self-conscious?

I mean, you have to admit

you're not the same person you
were on the phone last night.

- That's true.
- Why?

Is it because we did?

It's because I'm stupid.

Well, me, too.

Completely feeble-minded.

All you have to do is get near me and
I turn into this gibbering idiot.

You're so clever and funny
and modest and sweet.

And you're so...

You're really so bea...

I mean, my God.

Look at you.

You're an angel.

♪ You do something to me ♪

♪ Somewhere deep inside... ♪

- I can't do this. I can't.
- Just try and see what happens.

Next up is Dr. Abby Barnes

with "The Truth About
Cats and Dogs."

Oh, no. No.

- I don't know what I'm doing.
- It's okay.

You've got five...
you've got five minutes.

I can get you there in time.

- It's...
- I've got...

- I've gotta tell you something.
- What?

- I'm...
- What?

I'm... I'm late.

What am I doing?

What, you think we should
stop and call or something?

- No calls!
- Okay, okay.

- I've messed up really bad.
- Well, you're only two minutes late.

It can't be that bad. Let's
just see what they're doing.

No! Let me.

- Oh!
- Give me that.

- Shit.
- Oh. I'm sorry.

It's okay, it's okay. I
can get another one.

It's all right. Leave it. I can
get another one somewhere.

I think they still
sell them in Bolivia.

God, you should clean
this place up.

Oh.

Thanks for the ride.

Here's your button.

So she's been licking her belly.

Is she really sensitive
in that area?

- No, not really.
- She's not sensitive in her belly.

Sorry.

Hey, on Tuesday's show I wanna
talk about potbellied pigs.

Come, come, come.

That was scary.

We started with
the show on tape.

It's okay.

Uh, Abby? You're on in 60.

Is it okay if I hang
around and watch?

No!

- You need to concentrate.
- You need to concentrate.

You... you need to concentrate.

- I need to concentrate.
- Okay, I understand.

- I'll see you later, then.
- Bye.

So I guess you didn't tell him.

Take him. I don't want to fight.

I refuse to degenerate into
some misogynistic cliché.

Having said that, how
could you do this to me?

I was gonna tell him. I
was all set to do it.

The show was starting
and I just couldn't.

- Why not?
- Well, he wouldn't listen.

- What was he doing?
- Nothing.

Then why didn't you let him find
out when the radio show started?

Maybe it was all the
cake he fed me.

What is that? The
Twinkie defense?

He gave us a book.

Which one?

Simon somebody's letters
to John Paul somebody.

Simone de Beauvoir's letters
to Jean-Paul Sartre?

- Exactly.
- Aw!

Don't you see? He
said I was smart.

Nobody's ever said
that to me before.

I just couldn't stand to
tell him it wasn't true.

Smart and beautiful,
though, right?

Okay, I've got two ideas
how we can fix this.

We find out how he
really feels about us,

but in a roundabout kind of way.

So we go over to his house,

and I just sort of casually
ask him something like:

If you were stranded
on a desert island...

- Trite!
- Okay.

If you were stranded in that
bubble thing in Arizona...

- Biosphere? ...who would
you take with you?

"Time" magazine's Woman of the Year
or "Playboy"'s Playmate of the Year?

I object to those categories
on both our behalves.

What's idea number two?

We go over there, get shit-faced
and see what happens.

Okay.

Hello. What...?

- Not so fast. Hello.
- Hi.

Thanks.

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ Don't cheat yourself ♪

♪ Happiness is round the corner ♪

♪ It will come to you ♪

♪ So have faith and feel true love ♪

♪ 'Cause there's heaven up above ♪

♪ When we think ♪
♪ we've reached the end ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps ♪
♪ on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ Don't cheat yourself ♪

♪ Happiness is round the corner ♪

♪ It will come to you ♪

♪ So have faith and feel true love ♪

♪ 'Cause there's heaven up above ♪

♪ When we think ♪
♪ we've reached the end ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ Round and round ♪
♪ and don't you stop ♪

♪ Pick it up where you left off ♪

♪ Like a wheel, the world, ♪
♪ it keeps on turning ♪

♪ - Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ - The world keeps spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ - The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪
♪ - The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah. ♪

♪ You know I wonder ♪
♪ where I'd be if not for you ♪

♪ I'd still be wandering ♪
♪ through this world without a clue ♪

♪ At night I'd wake up ♪

♪ And look across the bed ♪

♪ And you'd never dream ♪
♪ the crazy things ♪

♪ Runnin' through my head ♪

♪ I can't imagine ♪

♪ My journey through this world ♪
♪ without you ♪

♪ I'm lovin' everything about you ♪

♪ I search my heart and soul ♪

♪ How could there ever be ♪
♪ a greater love than ours? ♪

♪ I can't imagine... ♪

- That was really good.
- No, it wasn't.

Your eyes...

um, they're extraordinary.

Thank you. Yours, too.

I'm just gonna have
something to drink.

- It's good.
- Okay.

What about me? My turn?

Yes. Yeah, just... swap.

♪ I can't imagine ♪

♪ Sharin' my life with any other ♪

♪ Not makin' love with you ♪

♪ I can't imagine... ♪

I've forgotten the flash cord.

♪ How could there ever be ♪
♪ a greater love than ours? ♪

♪ Let me tempt you and deliver ♪

♪ Let me make you feel ♪
♪ the ocean roar... ♪

- Hey, do you want a drink?
- ♪ I'll make your blood ♪

♪ Run like a river ♪

♪ How could a man ♪
♪ feel better than this ♪

♪ Or ever love you more? ♪

Got a question.

If you were trapped in
Biosphere 2 for three years,

who would you bring:

"Time" magazine's Woman of the Year
or "Playboy"'s Playmate of the Year?

What?

Just a second, okay?

Abby, where are you going?

I am hammered. I gotta go home.

Oh, I'll go home with you.

No, you're having fun.
He really likes you.

What? What about you?

No, I don't even...

- You don't what?
- Is everything okay?

Yeah. I just remembered
I have to be somewhere.

- Secret rendezvous?
- You know it.

What about you? Are
you gonna stay?

Hi. My dog, Casey-Kay, she's
getting kinda old and slow

and just not what
she used to be.

And I was wondering if
there was something...

Right, so you're telling me she's
no longer young and attractive,

so you're seeking my approval
to have her put to sleep?

Well, no. Actually, I was gonna ask
about vitamins or something...

You know who I think
should be put to sleep?

People like you who
only want cute dogs.

And I hope that aesthetically
unpleasant dog of yours

bites you in the
ass and moves on.

- Wait a minute. You got the wrong...
- Next caller.

Hi, this is Abby.
Please don't hang up.

I hate hang-ups. Leave it.

Good evening and welcome
to the 6:00 news.

Noelle Slusarsky
suffered a major setback

in her ongoing quest to
become an adult this week

when she tried to steal her
best friend's boyfriend.

Abby, please pick
up if you're there.

There's something I need to tell
you, but not on the machine, okay?

Okay, I'm going out
of town on a job.

I'll call.

Hi. It's me, Noelle.

Please pick up the phone, Abby.

Abby?

Okay, so you're not gonna
pick up the phone.

This is what I had to tell you.

I didn't sleep with him.

We started wrestling
around and kissing,

but he kept calling your name.

"Abby, Abby, oh, Abby!"

And I could hear it in his voice.
He meant it.

So, I stopped.

I told him it was all
moving too fast for me.

And I haven't called him since.

Hi. Did you ever look
in the mirror so long

that your face doesn't
make sense anymore?

It just becomes
all these shapes.

Just shapes. Not good or bad.

Remember when he
took our pictures?

You looked really good.

Did I tell you that?

I'm reading two books at the
moment, if you can believe that...

the one that Brian got
us and a dictionary

so I can understand the
one that Brian got us.

I'm avoiding a guy
who calls me "Abby"

and I'm very frightened that
I screwed up a friendship

with the nicest woman
I've ever met.

When I come home, I'm
gonna fix things.

I'm gonna fix everything.

I'm sorry. I just miss you.

Hello? Hello?

And deep cleanser.

I really appreciate
you taking this back.

And I really appreciate your
attitude taking this back.

Donna.

Donna. Donna.

- Donna?
- Hi.

I was calling your name.

Oh, I must be in a daze.
I didn't hear you.

Department stores.

- I get that, too.
- Yeah.

- Sorry, you were buying something.
- No, I was returning something.

Oh. Well, I just bought
a present for Abby.

Look at this.

It's a photo album and I
had her initials embossed.

See? Abby Barnes.

- Oh, that's pretty.
- Do you think she'll like it?

- I do, yeah.
- Great. Are you finished?

- Mm-hmm.
- Right. Can I walk you out?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

Did she tell you that she's
not talking to me for a week?

- Is that right?
- Yeah. It's driving me mad.

You see her all the time.

I don't suppose she's
mentioned anything about...

Mm-mm, she hasn't
said a word to me.

No, of course not.

I heard her on the air today.
She was brilliant.

- Brilliant?
- Yes.

Oh, that's a bit much,
don't you think?

Are we getting jealous?

No, trust me, that's
not even possible.

You know, before I listened
to Abby on the radio,

I never really would have
given a cat the time of day.

I think I'm beginning to
understand them a bit more.

- Or maybe not.
- Whoops.

Well, you look like a
cat-lover from way back.

- Hi.
- I think she likes you, too.

- Do you know much about animals?
- A little bit.

Of course. You've got all
those goats, haven't you?

When you go to college, do you
have this thing in England

called the Freshman 10?

- No, we don't.
- Do they have that?

It's traditionally where most girls
who go off to college gain 10 pounds.

- Although, when I went, I gained 40.
- 40?

40 pounds, and I'm 5'1".

So four times the
required amount?

So you can imagine how popular I
was with all the 18-year-old boys.

What has happened to me in the
past is that I meet a woman...

- Do you mind that I'm telling you this?
- No, sir.

I meet a woman I'm attracted to and
hopefully she's attracted to me.

And it's very exciting,

and then I get to know her, and
we have nothing in common.

Or the opposite happens.

There's lots in common,
fabulous woman,

but there's no excitement,
there's no sparks.

Okay, so say you meet one
of these no-sparks women

and you really take the
time to get to know her,

and then you become
intellectually stimulated by her.

You just really enjoy
her personality,

thereby igniting all
your lust and passion.

Have you ever
thought about that?

Are you going to eat that?

- Are you cold?
- No, I'm fine.

You're shivering.
Here, wear my coat.

- So chivalrous.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Seriously. I'll just
get the buttons.

- Sorry.
- It's fine.

Your hands are freezing.
Come here.

Put them in the pockets.

There's nothing disgusting
in there, is there?

Who did that?

Who put that piece of
chocolate in my pocket?

You're missing it. Look.

- Are you warm enough?
- Getting there.

Do you always watch sunsets
with your eyes shut?

- Yeah, it's kind of a religious thing.
- Really?

No.

Do you know, if you
listen very carefully,

you can hear the moment when
the sun hits the hills?

Shh.

Not today, obviously.

- I'm having a...
- What?

- Nothing. I had a really nice time.
- Oh, me, too.

I gotta go.

Okay.

Okay. Thank you.

- Thanks for the walk.
- Thanks.

Bye.

- Donna?
- Yeah?

If you see Abby, tell her...

tell her I miss her face.

Yeah.

Abby? Hi.

I just need to talk to you.
10 minutes. 10 minutes.

So we can clear everything up.

5:00?

Your place. Great, great, great.

All right. See ya. Bye.

Aah!

Jesus, you scared me.

I thought you'd be
coming from over there.

- Mm-mm, I was watching you.
- You weren't.

I was practicing
looking relaxed.

- You looked relaxed.
- Did I? You look gorgeous.

- It's my job.
- Is it?

Speaking of work...

This was a little bit
too much for me.

- Was it?
- Mm.

I had to read each page,
like, three times.

I'm more of a mystery kind
of girl, or maybe a romance.

I bet you wouldn't have
guessed that about me.

No, but that's okay.

I mean, romance would be fine.

Did I ever tell you

I used to only date guys who
couldn't speak English?

I've missed you so much.

It took ages to find
out it wasn't working

'cause I couldn't understand
what they were saying.

- I speak English.
- And then I dated this guy, Roy.

- I hated everything he liked about me.
- You have the most beautiful mouth.

We have to stop.

Abby, I love you.

You love a girl I
could never be.

- You don't love me.
- Yes, I do.

I don't understand what you're saying.
Just tell me what's going on.

- You need to know.
- Yes.

You do. So make a list.

Make a list of everything
you love about me.

A list?

Oh, I gotta go. I have an
audition in 20 minutes.

- An audition?
- Yes, for the news.

I wanna read for the news.

- What about "Cats and Dogs"?
- The cats and dogs are covered.

So make a list. Bring it.

5:00, my place.

79 people drowned

and another 200 were injured...

...their four-mile journey came
to a tragic and watery end.

79 people drowned and
another 200 were injured...

Abby?

- Abby!
- Coming.

Hang on, I can't hear you.

It's me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi.

- Donna. Where's Abby?
- She's not here.

No, what are you talking about?

I just heard her voice.
I know she's here.

Right. She's not here here.

She's in the bathroom
taking a bath.

But I will tell her
that you came by, okay?

I've got an appointment.

I don't know that that would
be a very good idea right now.

Uh, but I'll tell her
that you're here

and perhaps she will come out...
eventually.

It's Brian. He wants
to talk to you.

Tell him to come back
in half an hour!

I don't think he
can be dissuaded.

Tell him if he doesn't come back

in half an hour, I will
call the whole thing off!

You're the boss.

What did she say? She was
acting so strangely before.

- Is she all right?
- She's a little bit out of it.

- I think that she'll call you later.
- Okay.

Abby, it's me.

I wrote down the things
that you asked me to.

Listen, could you do me a favor?

She's worried that I
don't love her, so...

Sit down. You be Abby.

- I'm Abby.
- I've made this list.

It's a sort of lover's list.

Now, if I could just
run it by you once

to get a female opinion on it,

then we can make any adjustments
you think that it might need.

Sure.

I love the way you walk into
a room and it lights up.

I love your eyes.

When they fix on mine,
they burn into me,

and I forget what it is
that I wanted to say.

I love the way we think of
things at the same time.

I love the way you make a
tuna fish sandwich an event.

The way you talk to me
on the phone and...

Shit, this is ridiculous.

No, four and five aren't bad.

You know, maybe she's right.
Maybe I am rushing things.

No, I'm not.

Abby...

I love you,

because I can't stop thinking
about you for one second,

and because I stay at
home every afternoon

when I should be working, just
to hear you on the radio.

And because I want to read
you to sleep every night

and wake up to you playing
violin every morning.

And because you're so beautiful.

You forgot to say, "I love you
because you're so beautiful."

No, I didn't.

And yes, she is, but
that's not why I love her.

I love her for who she is.

And if she weren't,
it wouldn't matter.

Of course it matters.
It always matters.

- No, the truth is...
- The truth is Helen of Troy.

- What?
- Helen of Troy... men die for that shit.

The truth is you would not
be so enamored with Abby

if she looked like...
if she looked like...

What? What are you
talking about?

Look, you know how someone's
appearance can change

the longer you know them,

how a really attractive person,
if you don't like them,

can become more and more ugly,

whereas someone you might
not even have noticed,

that you wouldn't look
at more than once,

if you love them,

can become the most beautiful
thing you've ever seen?

All you want to do
is be near them.

I love Abby.

It doesn't matter
what she looks like.

What's the matter?

I'm happy that you said that.

Well, I'm glad you like it,

'cause she hasn't said a word.

It was you on the
phone that night.

Yep.

That's your window...

your violin.

Yeah.

And that's your cat.

Hi.

Is this a joke?

It was a mistake.

- Who are you?
- That's Noelle.

- Noelle?
- Slusarsky.

- Who's Donna?
- There is no Donna.

What is this?

Is this some kind of weird
game you two play for kicks?

You pick up a guy together and see
how much you can screw him up?

- No, it was just a mistake.
- A practical joke.

- A joke?
- No, no, no, not a joke.

- Not a joke funny ha-ha.
- Funny strange, if anything.

No, I get it. You're
a comedy duo.

Actually, we never
met until just...

You're dumb and beautiful,
and you're smart and...

I have to go.

Brian!

He doesn't wanna see me.

He doesn't wanna see you.

Why did you send him back to me

when you could have
had him for yourself?

I know you wanted him.

Because I wanted my friend back.

Besides, he's got this
small personal habit

that just drives me crazy.

What's that?

He loves you.

- Well, how'd your audition go?
- It didn't.

Didn't make the cut.

Still not dignified
enough for the news.

Well...

they're looking for
someone at the station.

It's not the news, but I
think it's interesting.

- Are you serious?
- They're expecting your phone call.

- Thank you.
- You should give it a shot.

You should give it
one more shot, Abby.

Just go and talk to him,

you dumb bitch.

- I'm a dumb bitch?
- That's right.

Well, you're a dumb
bitch, too, you know.

Yeah, I know. We're related.

Hi, sweetie.

I'm glad you're here.

Hi.

- I came to return your jacket.
- Thank you.

You can just leave it
on the stool there.

I'm really sorry
that I lied to you.

It's just the situation got
completely out of control.

It's mentally exhausting,

feeling really bad about something
you can't do anything about.

Right. That explains everything.

- No, Brian...
- What? What do you want?

I want you to look at me.

I'm looking at you.

You know the conversations
that we've had

and the violin and
the radio show

and that incredible
night on the phone?

That really meant something to me.
It was really important to me.

But all of that stuff doesn't
come in a perfect package.

It comes in this one.

Why didn't you say that
in the first place?

I didn't feel confident that
you'd give me a chance.

Now we'll never know, will we?

- Okay.
- Okay.

I'm at the mechanic's and
I'm getting my tune-up,

and I look up on the wall

and there she is
looking back at me.

But you know what tipped it off

was when she was dealing with
that turtle and she was like...

That ain't professional.

You're right.

But then, we didn't have
much to compare it to.

Yeah, you're right, you're right.
But you know what?

It's not your fault, brother.
I mean, who knew?

My German shepherd

is driving me insane.

I left him home alone for one
afternoon and you know what he did?

- He peed on your bed.
- No, in my bed. He peed in my bed.

He took his teeth, pulled
back the sheets first.

That's very considerate of him, but
are you sure that's all he did?

Have you checked inside
your favorite shoes yet?

No. Hold on.

I'll go look over
there right now.

Oh, my God!

- Pinky, you're a bad, bad, bad dog!
- Listen... ok... okay, listen.

Don't worry about it. I
wanna explain something.

Dogs don't like
to be left alone.

It's not like when you
leave, he goes "Great.

Time to finish
writing my novel."

No. When their humans leave, dogs
get depressed and they show it.

- Yeah, in your shoes.
- Mm-hmm.

Listen, people are very good
about hiding their misery.

But your dog tearing
up your apartment...

he was trying to
tell you something.

What?

- I wanna be with you.
- You do?

With me?

No, I don't wanna be with you.

What am I supposed to
do about this dog?

Am I just supposed to
put on my poo shoes

- and go out shopping?
- I have absolutely no idea.

Pinky, Pinky, you sit there
and listen to the doctor!

I have absolutely
no idea what to do.

- Wrap it up!
- Oh, wrap it up!

We're gonna wrap it up and I
will talk to everyone tomorrow.

I've been waiting 45 minutes!

- Hi. Hi. Do you think he's here?
- I didn't see him.

He could be here, right?

Okay.

Stop. Please, please, please.

Oh, my God!

Whoa! Oh!

Whoa. Okay, okay.

Whoa!

Oh!

- It's cool, it's cool.
- Sorry. Sorry.

Okay?

- Can I take these off now?
- Yeah, of course.

Over here. I'll help you.

Thanks.

- I'm fine. Thank you.
- Right.

Ahhh!

Now, should I get
down on all fours

and then gently apply pressure
to the tips of your ears?

- I won't bite you.
- No.

So, is this
humiliation on skates

staged for your amusement,
or am I missing...?

No, no, of course not.

I just wanted to get you
out here in private

to discuss a few things.

The humiliation
was just a bonus.

What are we discussing?

Well, there's the issue of Hank,

who's in a terrible
state without you.

Weren't you, Hank? Hank.

Come on, boy. Come on.

Terrible state.

Oh! Oh.

No, this is beneath you.
Never stoop.

No, really, he couldn't sleep.

And he kept me up all night,

wanting to talk about
why it took us so...

why it took me so long

to understand what
was really going on.

And then we wrote some
extraordinarily bad poetry together.

No, no, mine wasn't that bad.
Hank's was... pathetic.

And then we fought
over which one of us

got to carry your shoe
around in his mouth.

And...

Abby...

I only ever loved one woman,

and I don't want
to lose her twice.

I gotta tell you something.

What?

That night on the phone?

Yeah?

I'm pregnant.

Darling...

Are you sure it was me?

Actually, I don't know. I made
a lot of calls that night.

♪ For once in my life ♪

♪ I won't let sorrow hurt me ♪

♪ Not like it's hurt me before ♪

♪ For once I have something ♪

♪ I know won't desert me ♪

♪ I'm not alone anymore ♪

♪ For once I can say this is mine, ♪
♪ you can't take it ♪

♪ As long as I know I got love, ♪
♪ I can make it ♪

♪ For once in my life ♪

♪ I have someone who needs me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Someone who needs me ♪

♪ For once in my life ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ For once in my life ♪

♪ I won't let sorrow hurt me ♪

♪ Not like it's hurt me before ♪

♪ For once I have something ♪

♪ I know won't desert me ♪

♪ I'm not alone anymore ♪

♪ For once I can say this is mine, ♪
♪ you can't take it ♪

♪ As long as I know I got love, ♪
♪ I can make it ♪

♪ For once in my life ♪

♪ I have someone who needs me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Someone needs me ♪

♪ Someone needs me. ♪

♪ She sat at the dressing-room table ♪

♪ He flicked through ♪
♪ the channels on cable ♪

♪ While talking of love ♪
♪ in low whispers ♪

♪ Voices humming ♪
♪ like dusty transistors ♪

♪ Talked about love ♪

♪ In concentrated tones, ♪
♪ they talked about love ♪

♪ - Deep down in the bones ♪
♪ - Talked about love ♪

♪ How it's built on pride, ♪
♪ they talked about love ♪

♪ - A roller-coaster ride ♪
♪ - Talked about love ♪

♪ This road is a lifetime long ♪

♪ Complete engagement ♪

♪ Unlimited passion ♪

♪ Searching with peace in my soul ♪

♪ She sat with her glass overflowing ♪

♪ He knew that his chances ♪
♪ were glowing ♪

♪ Together they danced ♪
♪ in the driveway ♪

♪ Lovers singing ♪
♪ "I did it my way" ♪

♪ Talked about love ♪

♪ In concentrated tones, ♪
♪ they talked about love ♪

♪ - Deep down in the bones ♪
♪ - Talked about love ♪

♪ How it's built on pride, ♪
♪ they talked about love ♪

♪ - A roller-coaster ride ♪
♪ - Talked about love ♪

♪ This road is a lifetime long ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Complete engagement ♪

♪ Unlimited passion ♪

♪ Searching with peace in my soul ♪

♪ Built without boundaries ♪

♪ Loving every single breath ♪

♪ Ready to relinquish control. ♪