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00:00:04,734 --> 00:00:06,155
(ENGINE REVVING)
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00:00:06,241 --> 00:00:08,257
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)
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*THE GRAND TOUR*
Season 03 Episode 12
Episode Title: "Legends and Luggage"
4
00:00:54,443 --> 00:00:56,398
(CHEERING)
5
00:00:58,799 --> 00:01:01,479
- Hello.
- Hello.
6
00:01:01,565 --> 00:01:03,496
Thank you, everybody.
7
00:01:03,591 --> 00:01:06,145
Hello. Hello.
8
00:01:06,317 --> 00:01:07,997
Hello!
9
00:01:10,125 --> 00:01:11,800
- Hello!
- Hello.
10
00:01:11,885 --> 00:01:13,520
- (CHEERING)
- Hello, everybody.
11
00:01:13,605 --> 00:01:16,080
- Thank you.
- Hello.
12
00:01:16,215 --> 00:01:17,800
Thank you so much, thank you.
13
00:01:17,885 --> 00:01:21,230
And coming up
in this week's show...
14
00:01:21,842 --> 00:01:24,746
JEREMY:
James stands next to a car...
15
00:01:25,244 --> 00:01:27,855
...Richard pulls a face...
16
00:01:28,862 --> 00:01:31,902
...and some Toblerone
falls over.
17
00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:35,629
- (CHEERING)
- Exciting stuff.
18
00:01:37,125 --> 00:01:38,598
Exciting stuff.
19
00:01:38,912 --> 00:01:42,959
It is, um... It is
an action-packed show.
20
00:01:43,045 --> 00:01:45,400
But we start with Lancia.
21
00:01:45,504 --> 00:01:49,160
I've said many times that
over the last hundred years,
22
00:01:49,245 --> 00:01:53,440
no-one has made
more truly exciting cars.
23
00:01:53,525 --> 00:01:56,113
There was the Integrale
and the Stratos,
24
00:01:56,207 --> 00:01:59,800
and the Fulvia, and the 037 -
the list goes on, and on -
25
00:01:59,885 --> 00:02:01,746
and yet all they make today
26
00:02:01,902 --> 00:02:06,465
is a steaming pile of ordure
called the Ypsilon.
27
00:02:06,551 --> 00:02:07,786
Look at it.
28
00:02:07,873 --> 00:02:10,551
I would rather have
a maggot-infested wound
29
00:02:10,638 --> 00:02:12,313
- than drive one of those.
- (LAUGHTER)
30
00:02:12,445 --> 00:02:15,848
Honestly makes me sad that they've
been reduced to making that,
31
00:02:15,934 --> 00:02:19,473
and it turns out
I'm not the only one.
32
00:02:29,565 --> 00:02:33,280
JEREMY: There's a man in
Italy called Eugenio Amos,
33
00:02:33,365 --> 00:02:36,434
who looked at
the old Delta Integrale
34
00:02:36,817 --> 00:02:38,832
and found himself
wondering...
35
00:02:41,416 --> 00:02:45,131
What would it be like
if Lancia made it today?
36
00:02:45,217 --> 00:02:48,059
How would it feel?
How would it go?
37
00:02:48,229 --> 00:02:52,814
And then he stopped wondering
and decided to find out.
38
00:03:03,775 --> 00:03:06,770
This is what he came up with.
39
00:03:13,975 --> 00:03:15,880
(ENGINE ROARING)
40
00:03:17,055 --> 00:03:20,910
The engine is
a 16-valve 2-litre turbo,
41
00:03:20,995 --> 00:03:22,690
as it was before,
42
00:03:22,775 --> 00:03:25,030
but it has new rods,
new pistons,
43
00:03:25,115 --> 00:03:27,010
a new turbocharger,
44
00:03:27,095 --> 00:03:28,950
and a lot of
electronic tweaking.
45
00:03:29,035 --> 00:03:34,449
So now it develops
330 horsepower!
46
00:03:36,735 --> 00:03:41,129
That's 140 more
than you got in the old car!
47
00:03:41,715 --> 00:03:44,730
And there's more good news.
48
00:03:44,815 --> 00:03:48,470
Most of the body panels
and suspension components
49
00:03:48,555 --> 00:03:53,574
are now made from either
aluminium or carbon fibre.
50
00:03:53,723 --> 00:03:56,240
And there are
two advantages to that.
51
00:03:56,975 --> 00:03:59,390
Number one, they won't rust,
52
00:03:59,475 --> 00:04:03,080
and number two,
they're light.
53
00:04:05,135 --> 00:04:09,510
And because of all this work,
this car is pretty quick.
54
00:04:09,595 --> 00:04:11,050
(ENGINE HUMMING)
55
00:04:11,135 --> 00:04:14,720
There's a fair bit of period
turbo lag, as you can hear.
56
00:04:15,375 --> 00:04:17,890
(CHUCKLES)
57
00:04:17,975 --> 00:04:20,510
But when it gets on song...
58
00:04:20,595 --> 00:04:23,110
(ENGINE PITCH INCREASES)
59
00:04:23,195 --> 00:04:25,960
Bloody hell!
60
00:04:27,514 --> 00:04:32,020
It does 0-60 in four seconds.
61
00:04:32,295 --> 00:04:38,090
And flat-out, it'll be doing
more than 160 miles an hour.
62
00:04:38,175 --> 00:04:42,790
The best thing, though, is that all the
understeer you got in the original car
63
00:04:42,875 --> 00:04:45,350
has been replaced with...
64
00:04:45,435 --> 00:04:50,840
an extraordinary amount
of grip and neutrality.
65
00:04:51,993 --> 00:04:54,488
It is a bloody brilliant car,
this.
66
00:04:54,675 --> 00:04:56,840
Look at this!
67
00:04:57,655 --> 00:04:59,600
(ENGINE ROARS)
68
00:05:01,615 --> 00:05:04,450
(HE CHUCKLES)
69
00:05:04,535 --> 00:05:06,720
It is properly quick
through there.
70
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:11,160
Yes, I like this.
71
00:05:14,975 --> 00:05:16,770
Don't go thinking, however,
72
00:05:16,855 --> 00:05:18,926
that all of
the Lancia idiosyncrasies
73
00:05:19,012 --> 00:05:20,827
have been erased.
74
00:05:21,015 --> 00:05:24,465
The steering wheel is mounted
low down between my legs,
75
00:05:24,598 --> 00:05:26,777
so I can't see
any of the dials.
76
00:05:26,885 --> 00:05:29,434
And then here we've got
a lot of buttons and knobs
77
00:05:29,574 --> 00:05:32,173
that don't seem to do
anything at all.
78
00:05:32,258 --> 00:05:34,824
I know this red one
with the rocket ship -
79
00:05:34,910 --> 00:05:37,972
or is it a Philippe Starck
lemon squeezer?
80
00:05:38,058 --> 00:05:39,833
I know that
starts the engine.
81
00:05:39,918 --> 00:05:43,676
But all the rest, no clue
at all, I'm afraid. No clue.
82
00:05:43,762 --> 00:05:45,767
What does "levati" mean?
83
00:05:48,917 --> 00:05:51,913
To find out, I pulled over
to chat with Eugenio,
84
00:05:51,998 --> 00:05:54,353
the man who created this car.
85
00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:59,699
A man who turned out to be,
let's say, fully Italian.
86
00:05:59,938 --> 00:06:02,073
- On the steering wheel...
- Mm-hm?
87
00:06:02,158 --> 00:06:06,573
...I've been a bit confused
by this button.
88
00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:10,713
EUGENIO: Levati? Well,
"levati" in Italian means,
89
00:06:10,798 --> 00:06:14,285
it's the translation of
the word, like, "move".
90
00:06:14,605 --> 00:06:17,493
You press that button
and you flash the lights,
91
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,347
and hopefully people
will move from your way.
92
00:06:19,433 --> 00:06:21,808
So it just means... That's
Italian for "get out of my way"?
93
00:06:22,038 --> 00:06:23,573
Yes, exactly.
94
00:06:23,658 --> 00:06:27,813
After clearing that up, he
really got into his stride.
95
00:06:27,898 --> 00:06:30,011
- Did you weld that?
- Personally?
96
00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:33,081
- Mm.
- No. It's like porn.
97
00:06:33,222 --> 00:06:35,339
- Porn?
- It's welding porn.
98
00:06:35,918 --> 00:06:39,493
- What's the gold?
- Um, it's to...
99
00:06:39,578 --> 00:06:42,213
Basically,
it would have a function.
100
00:06:42,298 --> 00:06:44,473
Not in this case.
We just like it.
101
00:06:44,558 --> 00:06:46,534
OK. It's pretty.
102
00:06:46,778 --> 00:06:48,753
- So it's just a pretty gold bar?
- Yes.
103
00:06:48,838 --> 00:06:50,753
Why did you do two doors?
104
00:06:50,838 --> 00:06:53,173
Two doors?
Because... Why not?
105
00:06:53,258 --> 00:06:56,493
- I think it looks cool.
- It looks very snazzy.
106
00:06:56,578 --> 00:06:58,793
And then how would you
describe that bottom now?
107
00:06:58,878 --> 00:07:03,256
Well, it's... I would say
it's a very nice ass.
108
00:07:03,342 --> 00:07:06,913
- Mm-hm.
- And this is the more... small detail.
109
00:07:06,999 --> 00:07:11,061
I would say it's like the thong
that comes out from the jeans.
110
00:07:12,298 --> 00:07:14,233
That's... OK.
111
00:07:14,357 --> 00:07:18,912
With everything fully explained,
I got back on the move.
112
00:07:19,138 --> 00:07:22,073
You have got to love
the Italians, haven't you?
113
00:07:22,158 --> 00:07:25,053
I mean, Eugenio said
a lot of the stuff in here
114
00:07:25,138 --> 00:07:28,433
wasn't working because, "If it was
working, then it would be an Audi."
115
00:07:28,611 --> 00:07:30,111
(CHUCKLES)
116
00:07:33,258 --> 00:07:37,153
I love this car precisely
because it isn't an Audi.
117
00:07:37,238 --> 00:07:42,113
And I love it because someone
cared enough to make it.
118
00:07:42,198 --> 00:07:44,733
And I love it most of all
119
00:07:44,818 --> 00:07:48,043
because it's giving me
my youth back.
120
00:07:56,578 --> 00:07:58,673
There is, however,
one problem.
121
00:07:58,758 --> 00:08:02,763
It costs a quarter
of a million pounds.
122
00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:07,913
And I'm sorry,
but if I was going to spurt
123
00:08:07,998 --> 00:08:12,133
big lumps of money on
an updated classic Lancia,
124
00:08:12,218 --> 00:08:16,923
I'd spurt them on the most
classic Lancia of them all...
125
00:08:19,018 --> 00:08:21,483
the Stratos.
126
00:08:28,897 --> 00:08:32,313
Yes, you couldn't fit in it if
you were shaped like a human,
127
00:08:32,398 --> 00:08:35,193
and thanks to its
signature short wheelbase,
128
00:08:35,278 --> 00:08:37,873
it handled like a psychopath.
129
00:08:37,959 --> 00:08:39,733
But, a few years back,
130
00:08:39,818 --> 00:08:42,061
a team of people
from all across Europe,
131
00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:45,256
including Germany's
13th best horse rider,
132
00:08:45,389 --> 00:08:47,827
got together and wondered
133
00:08:48,014 --> 00:08:51,693
what a modern Stratos
would be like.
134
00:08:51,778 --> 00:08:55,513
And then they stopped
wondering and got to work.
135
00:08:55,598 --> 00:08:58,053
They bought a Ferrari 430,
136
00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:01,973
removed the entire body
and threw it away.
137
00:09:02,058 --> 00:09:07,873
And then 20 centimetres was cut
from the wheelbase of what remained.
138
00:09:07,958 --> 00:09:11,093
After this,
the V8 was uprated
139
00:09:11,178 --> 00:09:13,713
and so was the cockpit frame.
140
00:09:13,798 --> 00:09:16,813
A new exhaust system
was fitted
141
00:09:16,898 --> 00:09:20,913
and then a new
carbon fibre body was made
142
00:09:20,998 --> 00:09:23,124
to create this...
143
00:09:27,338 --> 00:09:29,723
The new Stratos.
144
00:09:31,978 --> 00:09:34,363
Pretty, isn't it?
145
00:09:42,018 --> 00:09:45,483
And it's even better
when you get inside.
146
00:09:47,018 --> 00:09:50,093
Look at this. I fit.
And there's air-conditioning,
147
00:09:50,178 --> 00:09:53,193
and a button that changes the
setting of the traction control.
148
00:09:53,278 --> 00:09:56,053
And it's got door pockets
149
00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:57,633
big enough
for a crash helmet,
150
00:09:57,718 --> 00:09:59,953
just like in the original.
151
00:10:00,038 --> 00:10:02,693
(ENGINE STARTS AND REVS)
152
00:10:02,778 --> 00:10:07,833
Right, let's see if this is
just misty-eyed nostalgia,
153
00:10:07,918 --> 00:10:12,203
or whether it actually works.
154
00:10:14,018 --> 00:10:16,683
(ENGINE REVVING)
155
00:10:20,698 --> 00:10:23,723
It is not
misty-eyed nostalgia.
156
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:29,123
The first thing you notice
is the stiffness.
157
00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:32,853
And then there's
the lightness.
158
00:10:32,938 --> 00:10:38,403
It's actually 100 kilograms lighter
than the Ferrari on which it's based.
159
00:10:39,898 --> 00:10:43,883
You can certainly feel that
when you accelerate.
160
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:47,083
Nought to 60...
161
00:10:49,058 --> 00:10:52,013
Three point three seconds.
162
00:10:52,098 --> 00:10:56,403
And it'll keep on going
all the way past 200!
163
00:10:58,338 --> 00:11:00,963
This is alarmingly fast!
164
00:11:04,378 --> 00:11:06,083
Jesus H Christ!
165
00:11:07,258 --> 00:11:09,893
You sense it too
in the corners.
166
00:11:09,978 --> 00:11:13,163
- (TYRES SQUEALING)
- It's just so darty.
167
00:11:13,249 --> 00:11:17,243
It's like driving a...
a dragonfly.
168
00:11:17,545 --> 00:11:20,680
I thought the McLaren Senna
felt light, but this...
169
00:11:21,319 --> 00:11:22,405
Jesus.
170
00:11:22,491 --> 00:11:24,233
(TYRES SQUEALING)
171
00:11:24,318 --> 00:11:26,803
(HE CHUCKLES)
172
00:11:31,978 --> 00:11:34,433
And because of
the short wheelbase,
173
00:11:34,518 --> 00:11:36,834
it's incredibly playful.
174
00:11:36,999 --> 00:11:41,053
Never does
the same thing twice.
175
00:11:41,138 --> 00:11:43,483
Here I come
to Your Name Here.
176
00:11:44,298 --> 00:11:46,643
(TYRES SCREECHING)
177
00:11:49,378 --> 00:11:51,833
Let's try that again,
same corner,
178
00:11:51,918 --> 00:11:53,673
same input, same line.
179
00:11:53,758 --> 00:11:56,693
(TYRES SCREECHING)
180
00:11:56,778 --> 00:11:59,123
It's got understeer
this time.
181
00:12:01,378 --> 00:12:05,083
- Same input.
- (TYRES SCREECHING)
182
00:12:06,858 --> 00:12:09,723
There we go!
There you are, ha-ha.
183
00:12:13,178 --> 00:12:15,883
(TYRES SCREECHING)
184
00:12:16,578 --> 00:12:20,133
This is a complete mentalist.
185
00:12:20,218 --> 00:12:22,353
It's like one of those
interactive computer books
186
00:12:22,438 --> 00:12:25,213
where you choose the ending.
187
00:12:25,298 --> 00:12:28,123
Except you don't choose
the ending.
188
00:12:29,952 --> 00:12:32,032
It does.
189
00:12:34,218 --> 00:12:37,893
This, then, is very like
the original Stratos.
190
00:12:37,978 --> 00:12:39,433
Which means you have to be
191
00:12:39,518 --> 00:12:42,234
an utterly, utterly
brilliant driver
192
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,815
to get the best out of it.
193
00:12:45,091 --> 00:12:48,906
If you aren't a particularly
brilliant driver, well...
194
00:12:49,257 --> 00:12:51,062
(TYRES SCREECHING)
195
00:12:52,778 --> 00:12:55,999
Yeah. This is going
to happen a lot.
196
00:13:00,778 --> 00:13:05,013
I don't care, though, because
spinning and having accidents,
197
00:13:05,098 --> 00:13:08,833
it's like falling off your Raleigh
Burner BMX, which is what this car...
198
00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:11,043
(TYRES SCREECHING)
199
00:13:11,818 --> 00:13:13,173
...is.
200
00:13:13,258 --> 00:13:14,618
(CHUCKLES)
201
00:13:15,858 --> 00:13:17,773
Unfortunately, however,
202
00:13:17,867 --> 00:13:21,835
it's not priced like
a Raleigh Burner BMX.
203
00:13:22,460 --> 00:13:27,038
It's actually priced like
a really big house.
204
00:13:28,538 --> 00:13:30,288
Pity.
205
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:33,898
(APPLAUSE)
206
00:13:36,818 --> 00:13:39,293
One of my favourite,
most exciting, cars.
207
00:13:39,378 --> 00:13:41,193
- Uh-huh?
- Yeah, no, I loved it.
208
00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:42,653
I really did love it.
209
00:13:42,738 --> 00:13:44,473
Good. Yeah,
that's all well and good.
210
00:13:44,558 --> 00:13:45,673
- Mm?
- Go on, then.
211
00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:47,433
- What?
- How much is it?
212
00:13:47,518 --> 00:13:50,953
- £650,000.
- For God's sake! Really?
213
00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:54,773
- £650,000?
- Yes.
214
00:13:54,858 --> 00:13:56,793
For an old Ferrari with
a bit sawn out of the middle?
215
00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,859
Well, it's a bit more
than that.
216
00:13:58,945 --> 00:14:02,320
Look, if you want a Stratos, why
don't you just buy a Stratos?
217
00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:04,617
I don't fit in
the original Stratos.
218
00:14:04,726 --> 00:14:07,533
Well, you would if we sawed a
bit out of the middle of you.
219
00:14:07,618 --> 00:14:09,433
- I've just remembered something.
- What?
220
00:14:09,518 --> 00:14:11,999
- I don't want to talk to you two any more.
- Do you not?
221
00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:16,015
No, I want to see how fast Abbie
can get that remarkable Stratos...
222
00:14:16,101 --> 00:14:17,999
That unremarkable
old Ferrari...
223
00:14:18,085 --> 00:14:21,000
...Stratos
around the Eboladrome.
224
00:14:21,398 --> 00:14:23,493
(ENGINE ROARING)
225
00:14:23,578 --> 00:14:26,413
JEREMY: Away it goes,
looking magnificent
226
00:14:26,498 --> 00:14:28,513
and sounding pretty good too.
227
00:14:28,598 --> 00:14:29,813
(ROARING)
228
00:14:29,898 --> 00:14:32,803
Immediately onto
the Isn't Straight.
229
00:14:35,298 --> 00:14:38,273
Ooh, easing off a little there
for one of the right-handers,
230
00:14:38,358 --> 00:14:42,013
but very, very tidy
through there.
231
00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:45,733
Now, Abbie dropping into
Your Name Here,
232
00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:48,559
and even tidier
through there.
233
00:14:48,645 --> 00:14:51,453
But, how many random
handling tricks
234
00:14:51,538 --> 00:14:53,113
will we get round there?
235
00:14:53,198 --> 00:14:56,283
Absolutely none at all.
It's nailed there!
236
00:14:57,578 --> 00:15:00,613
Flicking out
the other side like a flea,
237
00:15:00,698 --> 00:15:03,633
and already on the run
back to Old Lady's House.
238
00:15:03,718 --> 00:15:06,393
It's faster and sharper,
a Ferrari improved
239
00:15:06,478 --> 00:15:09,813
by the removal of
needless weight and length.
240
00:15:09,898 --> 00:15:12,253
Now, Old Lady's House,
here we go.
241
00:15:12,338 --> 00:15:14,493
Danced through there
brilliantly.
242
00:15:14,578 --> 00:15:17,393
And absolutely brilliant
through the second bit as well.
243
00:15:17,478 --> 00:15:21,093
And now the full-bore run
to Substation.
244
00:15:21,178 --> 00:15:23,573
- That thing looks epic.
- (TYRES SQUEALING)
245
00:15:23,658 --> 00:15:25,693
Stable under braking,
tidy through the corner.
246
00:15:25,778 --> 00:15:28,673
Bit of a squiggle on the way out.
Anything through Field of Sheep?
247
00:15:28,758 --> 00:15:31,270
No, tidy as anything
and across the line!
248
00:15:32,538 --> 00:15:33,993
You've got to admit,
that did look...
249
00:15:34,078 --> 00:15:36,153
- It looks very exciting.
- That does look quick.
250
00:15:36,238 --> 00:15:38,693
- It does. Yeah.
- It does.
251
00:15:38,778 --> 00:15:40,213
It looks very exciting.
252
00:15:40,298 --> 00:15:42,193
I particularly enjoyed
the bit where you said,
253
00:15:42,278 --> 00:15:44,773
"improved by the removal of
needless length and weight."
254
00:15:44,858 --> 00:15:46,993
Well, that's me, isn't it?
I mean, that is clearly...
255
00:15:47,078 --> 00:15:49,293
Just... Just... No, I still
don't want to talk to you.
256
00:15:49,378 --> 00:15:51,494
- Do you not? How fast did it go?
- No. No. Yes, What... exactly.
257
00:15:51,579 --> 00:15:53,591
Let's find out. There.
Look, there's the board.
258
00:15:53,677 --> 00:15:56,731
Let's see
where the Stratos goes on it.
259
00:15:57,458 --> 00:15:58,973
- (BELL PINGS)
- Yeah. Oh.
260
00:15:59,058 --> 00:16:01,733
JEREMY: 17th. That's not bad.
JAMES: No, hang on a minute.
261
00:16:01,818 --> 00:16:04,873
- What do you mean, "Hang on a minute"?
- That's over a second slower
262
00:16:04,958 --> 00:16:07,773
than a four-door BMW saloon.
263
00:16:07,858 --> 00:16:09,673
Yeah. Yeah, no, it is slower,
264
00:16:09,758 --> 00:16:12,253
but it's a lot more
expensive, so...
265
00:16:12,338 --> 00:16:13,973
- Good point.
- Tell you what.
266
00:16:14,058 --> 00:16:15,753
Let's find out how fast
the Delta went, OK?
267
00:16:15,838 --> 00:16:17,373
Integrale. Here we go.
268
00:16:17,458 --> 00:16:19,473
Didn't bother filming it,
but we have got the time.
269
00:16:19,558 --> 00:16:20,853
- (BELL PINGS)
- Ah... Oh.
270
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,793
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
JAMES: Yeah. Now, an old...
271
00:16:22,878 --> 00:16:27,419
No, look at it this way. It's
actually the same speed as a BMW M2.
272
00:16:27,505 --> 00:16:29,278
I think I can also claim
quite reasonably
273
00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:32,286
that the old Mercedes A45
274
00:16:32,372 --> 00:16:34,192
would go round the track
faster than that.
275
00:16:34,278 --> 00:16:35,958
Yeah, and be a hell of
a lot cheaper,
276
00:16:36,043 --> 00:16:37,583
- just a fact.
- Yes, but, but,
277
00:16:37,669 --> 00:16:39,544
everything
on a Mercedes would work,
278
00:16:39,645 --> 00:16:42,036
- and who wants that? Be dull.
- (LAUGHTER)
279
00:16:42,122 --> 00:16:44,133
It's what Eu...
It's what Eugenio was saying.
280
00:16:44,218 --> 00:16:47,453
You don't want German. You aren't in
the Italian frame of mind, you two.
281
00:16:47,538 --> 00:16:49,490
- Are we not?
- No, you're not. That's the trouble.
282
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:51,973
- Has anyone here got an Italian car?
- (NO REPLY FROM AUDIENCE)
283
00:16:52,058 --> 00:16:54,356
No, they're not here, are they?
They didn't make it.
284
00:16:54,442 --> 00:16:55,880
- (LAUGHTER)
- It's raining.
285
00:16:55,966 --> 00:16:57,973
Did you... Yes, that is
a good point, actually.
286
00:16:58,058 --> 00:17:00,793
It's also very windy, and before the
tent blows away, we should get on.
287
00:17:00,878 --> 00:17:03,763
We should. We must move on,
because now it is time for us
288
00:17:03,849 --> 00:17:07,924
to score a bag of chat
from the dealer of debate...
289
00:17:08,118 --> 00:17:11,813
- God.
- ...on Conversation Street.
290
00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:13,669
(LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC)
291
00:17:13,755 --> 00:17:15,474
(THUD)
292
00:17:17,858 --> 00:17:20,073
I like that one.
I really like that one.
293
00:17:20,158 --> 00:17:22,169
It's my favourite.
294
00:17:23,851 --> 00:17:26,217
I don't even remember
my head coming off.
295
00:17:26,303 --> 00:17:27,162
I do.
296
00:17:27,248 --> 00:17:28,653
Anyway,
look, let's get on with it.
297
00:17:28,738 --> 00:17:30,675
I've got some very interesting
news for you, James.
298
00:17:30,761 --> 00:17:33,513
Oh, God! Not more speed
of bloody birds, please.
299
00:17:33,598 --> 00:17:35,813
- Oh, is it?
- No.
300
00:17:35,898 --> 00:17:38,813
- Speed of fish.
- Oh, for God's sake, no.
301
00:17:38,898 --> 00:17:40,273
- Go on, go on.
- OK.
302
00:17:40,358 --> 00:17:44,286
How fast do you think
a salmon can cross a road?
303
00:17:44,372 --> 00:17:47,981
Salmon don't cross roads.
You're thinking of a chicken.
304
00:17:48,091 --> 00:17:52,138
You say that. Watch this piece of
footage I found on the internet.
305
00:17:52,411 --> 00:17:54,153
- JEREMY: Look at that!
- RICHARD: What, are they salmon?
306
00:17:54,238 --> 00:17:56,493
- They're fish?
- It's actually salmons.
307
00:17:56,578 --> 00:17:58,473
RICHARD: Oh, no, that is
actually quite interesting.
308
00:17:58,558 --> 00:18:01,073
It is. Look at them! There's
hundreds of them going across a road.
309
00:18:01,158 --> 00:18:03,533
- What are they doing?
- This is the interesting thing.
310
00:18:03,618 --> 00:18:06,499
If I were a salmon... And they have
to go back to their breeding ground,
311
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:07,878
or spawning ground,
don't they?
312
00:18:07,964 --> 00:18:10,073
I wouldn't be bothered. I'd
just stay on the other side.
313
00:18:10,158 --> 00:18:11,413
"Oh, I'll have
the baby here."
314
00:18:11,498 --> 00:18:13,173
When my children were born,
I didn't think,
315
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:14,553
"I've got to get back
to Doncaster!"
316
00:18:14,638 --> 00:18:16,193
I just went to
the nearest hospital.
317
00:18:16,278 --> 00:18:19,313
No, salmon are very determined.
You have to respect them for that.
318
00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:22,533
Actually, fish, I think,
are pretty cool.
319
00:18:22,618 --> 00:18:24,633
Actually, is it not
remarkable that car-makers
320
00:18:24,718 --> 00:18:26,893
have never named cars
after fish?
321
00:18:26,978 --> 00:18:28,173
Good conversation.
322
00:18:28,258 --> 00:18:29,833
They've named them after,
you know...
323
00:18:29,918 --> 00:18:31,613
Big cats, they've done.
324
00:18:31,698 --> 00:18:33,153
- Birds. Lots of birds.
- Birds they've done.
325
00:18:33,238 --> 00:18:35,173
- The weather.
- Greek gods.
326
00:18:35,258 --> 00:18:37,713
Why has there never been
a Ferrari Salmon?
327
00:18:37,798 --> 00:18:40,713
Determined, agile,
good at cornering.
328
00:18:40,798 --> 00:18:42,293
Lamborghini Tuna.
329
00:18:42,378 --> 00:18:45,053
Yeah, I was gonna...
The tuna is a very fast fish.
330
00:18:45,138 --> 00:18:47,833
- 40 miles an hour, a tuna will go.
- Faster than a speedboat.
331
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,713
Faster than a jet-ski
you rent on holiday.
332
00:18:49,798 --> 00:18:52,513
It's a brilliant idea. I can't
wait for the Ford Haddock.
333
00:18:52,598 --> 00:18:54,453
- Mm.
- (LAUGHTER)
334
00:18:54,538 --> 00:18:57,313
Can anyone think of a car
that's been named after a fish?
335
00:18:57,399 --> 00:18:58,994
- Stingray.
- Barracuda.
336
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,492
- Oh, now...
- There's the Stingray...
337
00:19:01,578 --> 00:19:03,631
Stingray, yes.
Barracuda. Manta.
338
00:19:03,717 --> 00:19:04,764
Manta.
339
00:19:04,850 --> 00:19:07,678
Isn't it amazing how all cars
are named after fish?
340
00:19:07,918 --> 00:19:12,053
- It's an astonishing thing.
- We can edit all that other stuff out.
341
00:19:12,138 --> 00:19:14,451
Yeah, the audience knows
a lot more than we do.
342
00:19:14,537 --> 00:19:16,077
That's basically
what we're talking about.
343
00:19:16,162 --> 00:19:17,993
I'd completely forgotten
about the Barracuda.
344
00:19:18,078 --> 00:19:20,633
Plymouth Barracuda, yeah, and the Opel.
Yes, absolutely.
345
00:19:20,718 --> 00:19:22,833
Now, you know
we've always said
346
00:19:22,918 --> 00:19:25,588
that Canada
is God's pantry, yeah?
347
00:19:25,674 --> 00:19:26,777
Yes.
348
00:19:26,863 --> 00:19:29,053
And that Saudi Arabia
is his petrol station.
349
00:19:29,138 --> 00:19:31,193
Yeah, and Lancashire is his
cupboard under the stairs.
350
00:19:31,278 --> 00:19:33,213
Our tent's
about to blow down.
351
00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:34,633
Exactly. This is
the wind tunnel.
352
00:19:34,718 --> 00:19:36,213
France is
his drinks globe.
353
00:19:36,298 --> 00:19:37,673
France is the drinks globe.
354
00:19:37,758 --> 00:19:41,273
Argentina is his cesspit,
Bol... Bolivia is his...
355
00:19:41,358 --> 00:19:43,053
Yeah.
356
00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:45,683
Yeah. It is.
357
00:19:46,698 --> 00:19:49,293
You really got that one,
yeah.
358
00:19:49,378 --> 00:19:50,913
Point I'm trying to make,
though, is,
359
00:19:50,998 --> 00:19:53,973
as we've always agreed,
Italy is his race track, yes?
360
00:19:54,058 --> 00:19:55,513
- Yeah.
- This is a known fact.
361
00:19:55,598 --> 00:19:58,293
We saw it earlier with the
Integrale and the Stratos.
362
00:19:58,378 --> 00:19:59,953
Now, this is a point
that's been proved,
363
00:20:00,038 --> 00:20:02,393
because the mayor of
a small hamlet,
364
00:20:02,478 --> 00:20:06,613
um, called Acquetico in...
near the French border,
365
00:20:06,698 --> 00:20:08,693
he installed a speed camera
366
00:20:08,778 --> 00:20:10,653
on a two-week trial period,
OK?
367
00:20:10,738 --> 00:20:13,453
Now, we've got a picture of
the village in question here.
368
00:20:13,538 --> 00:20:16,793
RICHARD: Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, we're
not talking about a vast metropolis here.
369
00:20:16,878 --> 00:20:19,893
Now, in the two-week trial
period of the speed camera,
370
00:20:19,978 --> 00:20:22,883
the number of people it caught
breaking the speed limit was...
371
00:20:23,578 --> 00:20:25,533
- ...58,560.
- What?
372
00:20:25,618 --> 00:20:28,273
- (LAUGHTER)
- There, in that village?
373
00:20:28,358 --> 00:20:31,733
JEREMY: 58,500, in two weeks!
- What?
374
00:20:31,818 --> 00:20:34,013
They can't help themselves,
the Italians, can they?
375
00:20:34,098 --> 00:20:36,273
Well, wait a minute. That
many in two weeks, during...
376
00:20:36,358 --> 00:20:38,913
- Let's assume it was quieter at night. It looks it.
- Yeah.
377
00:20:38,998 --> 00:20:41,473
So during the day there must
have been at least one car
378
00:20:41,558 --> 00:20:43,653
every ten seconds
setting the camera off.
379
00:20:43,738 --> 00:20:45,753
People would have been
done twice a day. No, wait.
380
00:20:45,838 --> 00:20:47,613
On the way to work,
then back for lunch,
381
00:20:47,698 --> 00:20:49,411
then back to work,
then back home at night.
382
00:20:49,497 --> 00:20:52,213
"It's happened again."
"This flashing is annoying."
383
00:20:52,298 --> 00:20:56,033
What I, what I love, though,
is the mayor is still deciding
384
00:20:56,118 --> 00:20:58,813
whether a speed camera
is necessary.
385
00:20:58,898 --> 00:21:00,933
- (LAUGHTER)
- What does he want?
386
00:21:01,018 --> 00:21:03,553
He's quoted in one of the
papers I read the other day
387
00:21:03,638 --> 00:21:06,433
as saying, "Well, the problem
is we have good asphalt
388
00:21:06,518 --> 00:21:08,173
and long continuous bends."
389
00:21:08,258 --> 00:21:10,553
So, he's basically said,
"It's a really nice road,
390
00:21:10,638 --> 00:21:12,613
so of course people
are going to speed."
391
00:21:12,698 --> 00:21:15,553
"Plus, we're Italian, so what
do you expect?" No, good effort.
392
00:21:15,638 --> 00:21:18,433
Meanwhile, in the UK,
things are rather different.
393
00:21:18,518 --> 00:21:21,293
Um, there's a man in
Bedfordshire, right, he's...
394
00:21:21,378 --> 00:21:24,233
Which is a county in England-land
if you're watching elsewhere.
395
00:21:24,318 --> 00:21:26,813
Er, and he's put
a fake speed camera
396
00:21:26,898 --> 00:21:29,013
on the side of his house,
which is by the A1.
397
00:21:29,098 --> 00:21:30,553
We're got a picture
of it here.
398
00:21:30,638 --> 00:21:33,293
As you can see,
it is very realistic.
399
00:21:33,378 --> 00:21:34,793
- Would you agree, yeah?
- Completely.
400
00:21:34,878 --> 00:21:36,553
And he's been told
to take it down
401
00:21:36,638 --> 00:21:41,773
because the highways agency
say it's distracting drivers.
402
00:21:41,858 --> 00:21:43,973
- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, wait. Wait a minute.
403
00:21:44,058 --> 00:21:45,993
- Yeah.
- The highways agency have said
404
00:21:46,078 --> 00:21:48,733
something that looks exactly
like a speed camera
405
00:21:48,818 --> 00:21:50,493
- is distracting drivers?
- Yeah.
406
00:21:50,578 --> 00:21:52,473
They've rather shot themselves
in the foot with that one.
407
00:21:52,558 --> 00:21:54,373
Yeah, because
what they're saying is
408
00:21:54,458 --> 00:21:57,177
speed cameras are distracting drivers
and they're therefore dangerous.
409
00:21:57,262 --> 00:22:00,133
Speed cameras,
according to the government,
410
00:22:00,218 --> 00:22:02,493
are killing baby children
and small puppy dogs.
411
00:22:02,578 --> 00:22:04,413
- (LAUGHTER)
- So, shall we have a vote?
412
00:22:04,498 --> 00:22:05,953
Yeah, let's have...
Do we all agree?
413
00:22:06,038 --> 00:22:08,313
Who thinks all speed cameras
should be removed?
414
00:22:08,398 --> 00:22:11,893
AUDIENCE: Yes! Highways
agency, we agree with you.
415
00:22:11,978 --> 00:22:14,233
- We support you in your campaign.
- 100%...
416
00:22:14,318 --> 00:22:16,553
- 100% of us.
- ...of the British population
417
00:22:16,638 --> 00:22:19,067
agree that they should all
be taken down now.
418
00:22:19,153 --> 00:22:20,993
- Good, that's that sorted.
- Cleared that up. Good.
419
00:22:21,078 --> 00:22:22,533
- (LAUGHTER)
- Er, I'd like to move...
420
00:22:22,618 --> 00:22:24,873
I've got some very big and
interesting conversation, actually.
421
00:22:24,958 --> 00:22:28,573
- Peugeot... have made an interesting car.
- Mmm.
422
00:22:28,658 --> 00:22:30,213
- Bet they haven't.
- Er, no chance.
423
00:22:30,298 --> 00:22:31,953
No, they have. I've got
a picture of it here, look.
424
00:22:32,038 --> 00:22:34,013
It is called the e-Legend.
425
00:22:34,098 --> 00:22:36,200
RICHARD: Ooh, hang on.
- It has two electric motors.
426
00:22:36,286 --> 00:22:39,653
It has 456 horsepower
and it is designed
427
00:22:39,738 --> 00:22:42,293
to look like the old
Peugeot 504 Coupe.
428
00:22:42,378 --> 00:22:44,233
JEREMY: Well, it doesn't.
- No, they say it does.
429
00:22:44,318 --> 00:22:46,713
- It does a bit.
- It doesn't. Looks more like the 505 GTi,
430
00:22:46,798 --> 00:22:48,122
he said
in a rather boring way.
431
00:22:48,208 --> 00:22:50,663
I don't care what old car
it looks a bit like.
432
00:22:50,938 --> 00:22:53,353
- Look. It looks fantastic.
- It does. When can we buy it?
433
00:22:53,438 --> 00:22:54,773
- Er, you can't.
- Oh.
434
00:22:54,858 --> 00:22:57,273
No, it's just a sort of
concept car design study.
435
00:22:57,358 --> 00:23:00,200
What you can buy, though,
right now, is, er, this.
436
00:23:00,348 --> 00:23:02,573
RICHARD: Oh, God, really?
- Yeah.
437
00:23:02,658 --> 00:23:05,473
That's called the, er...
That's called the Rifter.
438
00:23:05,558 --> 00:23:07,653
It's a sort of diesel van.
439
00:23:07,738 --> 00:23:09,573
Oh, what is wrong
with Peugeot?
440
00:23:09,658 --> 00:23:11,673
- It's a good question.
- Why are they reminding us
441
00:23:11,758 --> 00:23:14,153
that they used to build some
really very good-looking cars,
442
00:23:14,238 --> 00:23:16,793
and then we can only buy
dreary crap like that?
443
00:23:16,878 --> 00:23:18,893
- (LAUGHTER)
- No, it baffles me,
444
00:23:18,978 --> 00:23:21,233
because why would you make
a concept car you can't buy?
445
00:23:21,318 --> 00:23:23,262
When you go to a
greengrocer, "This succulent,
446
00:23:23,348 --> 00:23:24,833
juicy apple, you
can't have that one.
447
00:23:24,918 --> 00:23:27,093
We've got some
mouldy ones in the back."
448
00:23:27,178 --> 00:23:29,146
Peugeot, go to a
greengrocer and see
449
00:23:29,232 --> 00:23:30,993
how they do business, and
then learn from them.
450
00:23:31,078 --> 00:23:32,803
- (LAUGHTER)
- Now, a few months ago,
451
00:23:32,889 --> 00:23:35,076
there was a bit of
a problem in Britain.
452
00:23:35,162 --> 00:23:36,573
It's been going on
for a year or more,
453
00:23:36,658 --> 00:23:38,873
where kids are getting on
mopeds, riding down the pavement,
454
00:23:38,958 --> 00:23:40,693
another kid on the back,
helping themselves
455
00:23:40,778 --> 00:23:43,428
to people's phones and old ladies'
handbags and what have you,
456
00:23:43,514 --> 00:23:44,733
as they're going along, yeah?
457
00:23:44,818 --> 00:23:45,787
It's a big problem
for the police
458
00:23:45,873 --> 00:23:48,853
because in busy city streets,
how do you chase a moped?
459
00:23:48,938 --> 00:23:50,273
- You can't.
- Well, exactly, no.
460
00:23:50,358 --> 00:23:52,053
However, the police
came up with an idea
461
00:23:52,138 --> 00:23:53,382
that they thought
would solve it,
462
00:23:53,467 --> 00:23:57,633
which was to basically
ram the moped thieves, OK?
463
00:23:57,718 --> 00:23:59,573
(CHEERING)
464
00:23:59,658 --> 00:24:02,013
You're applauding?
465
00:24:02,098 --> 00:24:05,273
We've actually got footage
of them doing just that here.
466
00:24:05,358 --> 00:24:07,853
Ready. There he is, and bam!
467
00:24:07,938 --> 00:24:09,993
- (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
- Yeah! Down you go.
468
00:24:10,078 --> 00:24:12,173
And...
469
00:24:12,258 --> 00:24:14,213
booyah!
470
00:24:14,298 --> 00:24:15,733
That's what you need.
471
00:24:15,818 --> 00:24:17,913
You see, we're all in favour
of that, are we not?
472
00:24:17,998 --> 00:24:20,033
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's the only time in my life
473
00:24:20,118 --> 00:24:22,093
I've ever wanted
to be a policeman.
474
00:24:22,178 --> 00:24:23,493
- (LAUGHTER)
- No, you can't.
475
00:24:23,578 --> 00:24:24,833
- Why?
- You haven't got a moustache.
476
00:24:24,918 --> 00:24:26,233
- That's true.
- No, but that...
477
00:24:26,318 --> 00:24:30,443
- OK, I have had an idea.
- Oh, God. Is it ridiculous?
478
00:24:30,529 --> 00:24:32,433
- Let me explain.
- That's a yes, then, it is.
479
00:24:32,518 --> 00:24:34,853
Just let's see
what everybody thinks.
480
00:24:34,938 --> 00:24:37,613
OK, so best will in the world,
the police are out patrolling,
481
00:24:37,698 --> 00:24:40,613
and they don't do much of that
these days, as I'm sure we all know.
482
00:24:40,698 --> 00:24:42,033
- Yeah.
- But even if they were,
483
00:24:42,118 --> 00:24:44,233
the chances of them
encountering somebody
484
00:24:44,318 --> 00:24:46,893
who really was a moped thief
485
00:24:46,978 --> 00:24:50,073
in a place where they could
realistically knock them off
486
00:24:50,158 --> 00:24:52,293
- is quite remote, yes?
- Yes.
487
00:24:52,378 --> 00:24:53,813
So how's this for an idea?
488
00:24:53,898 --> 00:24:55,953
All of us, as we're
driving along in our cars,
489
00:24:56,038 --> 00:24:59,113
if you see a motorcycle,
knock them off.
490
00:24:59,198 --> 00:25:00,533
(LAUGHTER)
491
00:25:00,618 --> 00:25:02,313
Wait. What,
just any motorcyclist?
492
00:25:02,398 --> 00:25:05,953
Yes, because eventually somebody's
bound to hit the right one
493
00:25:06,038 --> 00:25:08,413
and knock over,
er, a moped thief.
494
00:25:08,498 --> 00:25:10,393
Hang on, isn't that
a bit like Pol Pot
495
00:25:10,478 --> 00:25:13,593
executing anybody who wore glasses
in case they'd read a book?
496
00:25:13,678 --> 00:25:15,093
- (LAUGHTER)
- Yes, it is.
497
00:25:15,178 --> 00:25:17,813
Look, I admit, you two, I
know you're not moped thieves,
498
00:25:17,898 --> 00:25:20,793
I know you're not, but you do
ride motorcycles and that's fine.
499
00:25:20,878 --> 00:25:22,973
And you are going to get,
I have to admit,
500
00:25:23,058 --> 00:25:24,713
some hurty knees
and a bit of grazing.
501
00:25:24,798 --> 00:25:27,193
Well, yes, and quite a lot
of other people,
502
00:25:27,278 --> 00:25:30,593
including Ewan McGregor,
Jamie Oliver, Ross Noble.
503
00:25:30,678 --> 00:25:32,893
The Hairy Bikers,
for God's sake!
504
00:25:32,978 --> 00:25:35,533
- You can't knock them over.
- Yes, I know, you say that,
505
00:25:35,618 --> 00:25:38,113
but they're just casualties
of war if you think about it.
506
00:25:38,198 --> 00:25:40,433
- (LAUGHTER)
- The main thing is
507
00:25:40,518 --> 00:25:44,013
that we are bound to
totally end moped thievery,
508
00:25:44,098 --> 00:25:46,264
and we'd all have a good
laugh at the same time.
509
00:25:46,350 --> 00:25:48,273
- No.
- Come on, you would.
510
00:25:48,358 --> 00:25:50,293
You can't ram bikers.
511
00:25:50,378 --> 00:25:52,913
I'm not saying we ram them.
A gentle nudge.
512
00:25:52,998 --> 00:25:54,853
Anybody here ride motorcycle?
513
00:25:54,938 --> 00:25:56,913
- Yes. Well done.
- (SEVERAL PEOPLE CALL OUT)
514
00:25:56,998 --> 00:25:58,803
- Sorry.
- (LAUGHTER)
515
00:26:01,178 --> 00:26:02,913
Anyway, I think that's the
end of Conversation Street.
516
00:26:02,998 --> 00:26:04,764
- Yes, it is.
- Let's move it on.
517
00:26:04,897 --> 00:26:07,353
Yeah, let's move it on.
Earlier on, Jeremy was listing
518
00:26:07,438 --> 00:26:11,273
all the wonderful and remarkable cars
that Lancia have made over the years,
519
00:26:11,358 --> 00:26:14,653
but let's not forget
Porsche has also made
520
00:26:14,738 --> 00:26:16,513
some rather remarkable cars.
521
00:26:16,598 --> 00:26:18,513
Absolutely.
There was the 911.
522
00:26:18,598 --> 00:26:21,373
There was another
sort of 911.
523
00:26:21,458 --> 00:26:23,833
There was a slightly
different 911 that was green.
524
00:26:23,918 --> 00:26:27,513
Yes, yes, yes, I know, but this
year marks the 50th anniversary
525
00:26:27,598 --> 00:26:31,393
of what I think must be the
greatest Porsche of them all.
526
00:26:31,478 --> 00:26:33,963
- Is it a 911?
- No.
527
00:26:36,178 --> 00:26:40,213
JAMES:
It's called the Porsche 917.
528
00:26:40,298 --> 00:26:44,253
And even if you have
no interest in motorsport,
529
00:26:44,338 --> 00:26:47,363
you'll most likely
recognise this machine...
530
00:26:48,258 --> 00:26:49,793
because it's
quite possibly
531
00:26:49,878 --> 00:26:53,283
the most iconic racing car
ever created.
532
00:26:56,258 --> 00:26:59,313
Now, today Porsche is
the most successful car maker
533
00:26:59,398 --> 00:27:00,973
ever to race at Le Mans.
534
00:27:01,058 --> 00:27:03,413
They have 19 victories
to their name.
535
00:27:03,498 --> 00:27:05,433
But this is the car
that started it all.
536
00:27:05,518 --> 00:27:09,333
This is the car that gave them
that all-important first win.
537
00:27:09,418 --> 00:27:11,353
Now, obviously,
with a pedigree like that,
538
00:27:11,438 --> 00:27:14,973
it's quite valuable,
around £14 million.
539
00:27:15,058 --> 00:27:17,593
So when we asked the
insurance if this would be OK,
540
00:27:17,678 --> 00:27:20,473
they said yes, but not the
accident-prone little midget.
541
00:27:20,558 --> 00:27:23,413
"It must be Captain Slowly."
542
00:27:23,498 --> 00:27:26,493
So let's see if I can make
this thing live for you.
543
00:27:26,578 --> 00:27:28,433
The first thing
you need to know is that,
544
00:27:28,518 --> 00:27:32,313
although the 917
looks like a big, wide car,
545
00:27:32,398 --> 00:27:35,123
actually, it isn't.
546
00:27:35,818 --> 00:27:37,493
Ow.
547
00:27:37,578 --> 00:27:39,523
(STRAINING)
548
00:27:43,618 --> 00:27:45,233
- I'm in.
- (HEAD THUMPS)
549
00:27:45,318 --> 00:27:47,803
God, it's tiny!
550
00:27:51,538 --> 00:27:54,363
(ENGINE GROWLING)
551
00:27:58,498 --> 00:28:00,273
(ENGINE ROARING)
552
00:28:00,358 --> 00:28:02,083
Holy mother!
553
00:28:03,338 --> 00:28:04,938
Ahh!
554
00:28:06,538 --> 00:28:08,083
(CHUCKLING)
555
00:28:09,578 --> 00:28:12,173
(ENGINE ROARING)
556
00:28:12,258 --> 00:28:14,953
The racket
is just astonishing.
557
00:28:15,038 --> 00:28:18,523
Imagine this
for a 24-hour race.
558
00:28:22,298 --> 00:28:25,073
Even though
it's a 50-year-old car,
559
00:28:25,158 --> 00:28:29,233
the 917 is fast by the
standards of any decade.
560
00:28:29,318 --> 00:28:32,513
Nought to 60, 2.7 seconds.
561
00:28:32,598 --> 00:28:37,043
Top speed, 224 miles an hour.
562
00:28:38,658 --> 00:28:41,073
And it was built
without compromise,
563
00:28:41,158 --> 00:28:45,003
using the absolute
bare minimum of materials.
564
00:28:46,218 --> 00:28:48,973
So, for example,
this bodywork,
565
00:28:49,058 --> 00:28:50,793
which is very close
to my head,
566
00:28:50,878 --> 00:28:52,533
it's fibreglass,
567
00:28:52,618 --> 00:28:55,213
1.2 millimetres thick,
that's it.
568
00:28:55,298 --> 00:28:58,253
Now, in front of me
I have a big rev counter,
569
00:28:58,338 --> 00:29:00,713
an oil temperature gauge,
and an oil pressure gauge.
570
00:29:00,798 --> 00:29:02,793
That's all the information
you get.
571
00:29:02,878 --> 00:29:04,713
If those
are reading correctly,
572
00:29:04,798 --> 00:29:07,513
that means the engine
isn't going to blow up,
573
00:29:07,598 --> 00:29:10,803
and that means
you can pin it!
574
00:29:13,218 --> 00:29:18,933
Jeez! It's the world's
fastest canoe!
575
00:29:19,018 --> 00:29:21,193
The five-litre
12-cylinder engine
576
00:29:21,278 --> 00:29:24,853
produces 621 horsepower,
577
00:29:24,938 --> 00:29:28,833
which is modest by the standards
of today's road-going hypercars.
578
00:29:28,918 --> 00:29:33,213
But this thing weighs
just 800 kilograms.
579
00:29:33,298 --> 00:29:35,883
As a result,
the power-to-weight...
580
00:29:36,658 --> 00:29:38,443
is off the scale!
581
00:29:40,618 --> 00:29:42,523
Bloody hell, this is special.
582
00:29:45,818 --> 00:29:47,913
I'm amazed Porsche
let me drive it at all.
583
00:29:47,998 --> 00:29:50,413
I mean, they didn't
give me any training.
584
00:29:50,498 --> 00:29:51,953
They just put me in and said,
585
00:29:52,038 --> 00:29:56,003
"Pull zis und turn zat and,
oh, you'll be fine, mm."
586
00:29:57,498 --> 00:29:59,073
What's more amazing
than that, actually,
587
00:29:59,158 --> 00:30:00,673
is that this car
exists at all,
588
00:30:00,758 --> 00:30:03,973
because its gestation was...
589
00:30:04,058 --> 00:30:07,803
let's say...
it was quite difficult.
590
00:30:11,498 --> 00:30:16,333
JAMES: The story of its birth
starts in 1968,
591
00:30:16,418 --> 00:30:18,433
when the governing body
for sports car racing,
592
00:30:18,518 --> 00:30:22,073
alarmed that the top-end,
unregulated prototype cars
593
00:30:22,158 --> 00:30:26,773
were becoming too fast, too
expensive, and too dangerous,
594
00:30:26,858 --> 00:30:32,459
decreed that such machines should have
engines no larger than three litres.
595
00:30:32,608 --> 00:30:35,593
However, the governing body also
said that if you could build
596
00:30:35,678 --> 00:30:38,153
25 road-going versions
of your racing car,
597
00:30:38,238 --> 00:30:41,133
that engine limit would be
raised to five litres.
598
00:30:41,218 --> 00:30:44,633
Although, secretly they knew that
no small sports car manufacturer
599
00:30:44,718 --> 00:30:47,533
could actually afford
to do that.
600
00:30:47,618 --> 00:30:51,013
They didn't think
there'd be any takers.
601
00:30:51,098 --> 00:30:56,563
What they hadn't reckoned on was Porsche's
head of motorsport Ferdinand Piech.
602
00:30:57,811 --> 00:31:01,293
Back then, Porsche was
a tiny cash-starved outfit,
603
00:31:01,378 --> 00:31:04,473
nothing like the prosperous
company we know today.
604
00:31:04,558 --> 00:31:08,953
But Piech was so consumed with
scoring an outright win at Le Mans
605
00:31:09,038 --> 00:31:13,373
that he decided he was going
to build those 25 cars,
606
00:31:13,458 --> 00:31:17,842
even though the next Le Mans
was only a few months away.
607
00:31:17,982 --> 00:31:20,492
So, everybody,
and I do mean everybody -
608
00:31:20,578 --> 00:31:23,693
the accountants, managers,
office juniors, secretaries,
609
00:31:23,778 --> 00:31:25,653
they were all hauled away
from their desks
610
00:31:25,738 --> 00:31:29,014
to go down to the production line
and work on getting those cars ready.
611
00:31:29,100 --> 00:31:33,154
They actually became known
as the "secretary cars".
612
00:31:34,258 --> 00:31:37,514
The ragtag Porsche team
just made the deadline,
613
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:41,248
and the motorsport inspectors
gave the road cars the sign-off,
614
00:31:41,478 --> 00:31:44,113
presumably not inspecting
them too closely
615
00:31:44,198 --> 00:31:48,603
or they would have noticed that
most of them had truck axles.
616
00:31:49,418 --> 00:31:51,093
(ENGINE ROARING)
617
00:31:51,178 --> 00:31:55,233
With the green light given for
Porsche to enter the Le Mans race,
618
00:31:55,318 --> 00:31:59,973
Piech got to work getting
some cars ready in time.
619
00:32:00,058 --> 00:32:03,073
Now, on the plus side,
they were blindingly fast.
620
00:32:03,158 --> 00:32:08,203
One car clocked 238
on the Mulsanne Straight.
621
00:32:09,738 --> 00:32:13,793
On the downside, though, they
were terrifyingly unstable
622
00:32:13,878 --> 00:32:16,133
and virtually undriveable.
623
00:32:16,218 --> 00:32:18,373
The drivers
simply didn't know
624
00:32:18,458 --> 00:32:20,153
what the car
was going to do next.
625
00:32:20,238 --> 00:32:22,373
There was so much
chassis flex
626
00:32:22,458 --> 00:32:25,313
that the gear lever would move
around all over the place.
627
00:32:25,398 --> 00:32:28,593
They'd make a gear change, put
their hand there the next time,
628
00:32:28,678 --> 00:32:30,603
and it'd be
somewhere else.
629
00:32:32,458 --> 00:32:36,473
Piech hoped for a big win
at the 1969 Le Mans race,
630
00:32:36,558 --> 00:32:40,733
but it was a disaster.
631
00:32:40,818 --> 00:32:44,593
One of the privately-entered
cars crashed on lap one,
632
00:32:44,678 --> 00:32:47,293
killing its driver.
633
00:32:47,378 --> 00:32:50,233
The others broke down
as the race wore on
634
00:32:50,318 --> 00:32:54,453
until just one remained,
driven by this man,
635
00:32:54,538 --> 00:32:57,253
British driver
Dickie Attwood.
636
00:32:57,338 --> 00:33:00,113
"Difficult" would be,
er, putting it mildly.
637
00:33:00,198 --> 00:33:04,733
Um... er, "life-threatening"
could be another one.
638
00:33:04,818 --> 00:33:05,913
- Um...
- Right.
639
00:33:05,998 --> 00:33:09,523
It was, um, a monster.
640
00:33:10,378 --> 00:33:12,373
It was made for speed,
641
00:33:12,458 --> 00:33:14,413
like a bullet,
to go through the air,
642
00:33:14,498 --> 00:33:17,393
but the, er, there wasn't
enough pressure on the bodywork
643
00:33:17,478 --> 00:33:19,213
to keep it on the ground.
644
00:33:19,298 --> 00:33:22,693
And so the faster you went,
the more unstable it was.
645
00:33:22,778 --> 00:33:24,953
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- It was so horrendous,
646
00:33:25,038 --> 00:33:27,993
I was waiting, hopefully,
that the car would break.
647
00:33:28,078 --> 00:33:30,813
And eventually it did.
648
00:33:30,898 --> 00:33:33,253
But it was 21 hours
before it broke.
649
00:33:33,338 --> 00:33:37,073
We were six laps in the lead,
so we hadn't got far to go.
650
00:33:37,158 --> 00:33:42,173
But I was, I was happy
the car broke.
651
00:33:42,258 --> 00:33:46,733
Undeterred, Porsche hired
British race engineer John Wyre,
652
00:33:46,818 --> 00:33:49,353
who'd helped to develop
the Ford GT40,
653
00:33:49,438 --> 00:33:52,693
to sort out
the 917's evil handling.
654
00:33:52,778 --> 00:33:54,713
And he cracked the problem,
655
00:33:54,798 --> 00:33:57,893
with a little help
from Mother Nature.
656
00:33:57,978 --> 00:34:00,333
After one really long
test session,
657
00:34:00,418 --> 00:34:03,513
Wyre and his drivers noticed that
although the front of the car
658
00:34:03,598 --> 00:34:05,633
was absolutely plastered
in dead bugs,
659
00:34:05,718 --> 00:34:07,973
there were none here
on the rear wing,
660
00:34:08,058 --> 00:34:10,733
which must have meant the air
wasn't flowing over it,
661
00:34:10,818 --> 00:34:12,713
and it wasn't producing
any downforce,
662
00:34:12,798 --> 00:34:16,613
and it wasn't pressing
the car down into the track.
663
00:34:16,698 --> 00:34:20,033
Having reworked the aerodynamics
of their problem child,
664
00:34:20,118 --> 00:34:24,833
Porsche arrived at the 1970
Le Mans race with renewed hope
665
00:34:24,918 --> 00:34:29,333
and Dickie Attwood
once more at the wheel.
666
00:34:29,418 --> 00:34:32,913
During the race, the 917s
were blisteringly fast -
667
00:34:32,998 --> 00:34:34,733
as ever -
668
00:34:34,818 --> 00:34:39,173
but this time, mercifully,
they were much more stable.
669
00:34:39,258 --> 00:34:42,893
And although heavy rain
claimed victim after victim,
670
00:34:42,978 --> 00:34:45,933
Attwood and the 917
took the chequered flag
671
00:34:46,018 --> 00:34:50,153
and gave Porsche their first
ever outright win at Le Mans.
672
00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:53,133
(CHEERING)
673
00:34:53,218 --> 00:34:54,893
It was a win
they badly needed,
674
00:34:54,978 --> 00:34:57,205
because they had,
quite literally,
675
00:34:57,291 --> 00:34:59,896
gambled the company on it.
676
00:35:00,738 --> 00:35:02,493
It's also true to say
that this car
677
00:35:02,578 --> 00:35:04,573
nearly broke Porsche,
as well, didn't it?
678
00:35:04,658 --> 00:35:06,513
Because they were
a very small company.
679
00:35:06,598 --> 00:35:08,573
It did. Um...
680
00:35:08,658 --> 00:35:10,553
Again, it was Ferdinand Piech
681
00:35:10,638 --> 00:35:13,913
and, er, he was a guy
who was, um, quite extreme.
682
00:35:13,998 --> 00:35:17,637
He was so enthused
to do what he's done that
683
00:35:17,723 --> 00:35:19,913
that nearly
broke the company, it did.
684
00:35:19,998 --> 00:35:23,913
Yeah, the racing programme
nearly destroyed Porsche.
685
00:35:23,998 --> 00:35:27,753
From then on,
there was no stopping the 917
686
00:35:27,838 --> 00:35:31,733
as it set about building
its own legend.
687
00:35:31,818 --> 00:35:33,413
The following year
at Le Mans,
688
00:35:33,498 --> 00:35:35,413
on the way
to another crushing victory,
689
00:35:35,498 --> 00:35:37,113
it would go through
the speed traps
690
00:35:37,198 --> 00:35:40,893
at over 241 miles an hour,
691
00:35:40,978 --> 00:35:44,933
a record that stood
for more than 20 years.
692
00:35:45,018 --> 00:35:47,553
And in that same race,
it was so fast
693
00:35:47,638 --> 00:35:52,533
it would cover
a total of 3,315 miles,
694
00:35:52,618 --> 00:35:57,313
a distance record
that would stand until 2010.
695
00:35:57,398 --> 00:35:58,573
(CHEERING)
696
00:35:58,658 --> 00:36:00,113
And if that wasn't enough,
697
00:36:00,198 --> 00:36:03,073
Hollywood's greatest
petrolhead, Steve McQueen,
698
00:36:03,158 --> 00:36:07,763
came to Le Mans and made
the 917 a screen icon.
699
00:36:13,458 --> 00:36:17,233
And now, since the legend is
celebrating its 50th birthday,
700
00:36:17,318 --> 00:36:20,763
I think it deserves
a fun day out.
701
00:36:22,418 --> 00:36:26,813
So, I thought, why don't we put
Mr Dickie Attwood back in it
702
00:36:26,898 --> 00:36:29,393
to stretch its legs a bit
and spice things up,
703
00:36:29,478 --> 00:36:32,753
and whilst he's there, let's
see how the old legend -
704
00:36:32,838 --> 00:36:36,773
I mean the car - stacks up
against a modern Porsche.
705
00:36:36,858 --> 00:36:39,513
- (ENGINE ROARING)
- Specifically, this Porsche,
706
00:36:39,598 --> 00:36:42,573
the 911 GT2 RS,
707
00:36:42,658 --> 00:36:46,843
the biggest gun
in Porsche's current arsenal.
708
00:36:48,658 --> 00:36:50,393
Now, attentive viewers
will have noticed
709
00:36:50,478 --> 00:36:52,653
that I'm not
actually driving,
710
00:36:52,738 --> 00:36:54,833
and that's because I've
decided to do this properly.
711
00:36:54,918 --> 00:36:58,593
We're going to have old Porsche
Le Mans-winning racing driver
712
00:36:58,678 --> 00:37:02,033
versus young Porsche Le
Mans-winning racing driver,
713
00:37:02,118 --> 00:37:07,653
because this is Neel Jani, and he
won for Porsche in 2016 in the 919.
714
00:37:07,738 --> 00:37:11,363
To be honest, he's also probably
a bit better at this than I am.
715
00:37:12,018 --> 00:37:13,713
As for the cars themselves,
716
00:37:13,798 --> 00:37:17,053
on paper,
it's a tough one to call.
717
00:37:17,138 --> 00:37:19,233
We have 700 horsepower
in here,
718
00:37:19,318 --> 00:37:22,133
621 horsepower in the 917.
719
00:37:22,218 --> 00:37:25,393
But the 917 weighs
just 800 kilograms.
720
00:37:25,478 --> 00:37:28,933
This weighs 1,830 kilograms.
721
00:37:29,018 --> 00:37:30,853
It's over a tonne heavier.
722
00:37:30,938 --> 00:37:33,733
But then again, we've got modern
tyres and we've got modern brakes,
723
00:37:33,818 --> 00:37:35,433
and we have a modern gearbox
with paddles.
724
00:37:35,518 --> 00:37:39,348
So, I mean, God knows.
Let's find out.
725
00:37:40,551 --> 00:37:44,793
What I hadn't considered in
my comparisons... was Dickie.
726
00:37:44,878 --> 00:37:47,393
(GEAR CLICKS
AND ENGINE ROARS)
727
00:37:47,478 --> 00:37:49,443
Whoa, cheeky!
728
00:37:51,018 --> 00:37:53,403
Look how bloody fast
he's going.
729
00:37:55,018 --> 00:37:57,203
The man's a loon. He's 78.
730
00:37:59,498 --> 00:38:01,733
He's going quick, huh?
731
00:38:01,818 --> 00:38:04,523
Carrying a massive amount
of speed in the corner.
732
00:38:07,178 --> 00:38:08,913
Here we go.
733
00:38:08,998 --> 00:38:11,373
Have him!
734
00:38:11,458 --> 00:38:13,683
- (TYRES SCREECH)
- Whoa!
735
00:38:14,978 --> 00:38:16,773
(LAUGHS)
736
00:38:16,858 --> 00:38:18,833
So, the red mist
has descended again,
737
00:38:18,918 --> 00:38:21,833
after a pause
of nearly half a century,
738
00:38:21,918 --> 00:38:24,523
and Mr Attwood
has gone quite mad.
739
00:38:29,258 --> 00:38:31,163
Oh, yes, this could be it.
740
00:38:32,818 --> 00:38:35,213
Yes... Oh, no!
741
00:38:35,298 --> 00:38:37,073
Ah, he's had you!
742
00:38:37,158 --> 00:38:38,293
(LAUGHS)
743
00:38:38,378 --> 00:38:39,872
Ah, you can't
quite out-brake him
744
00:38:39,958 --> 00:38:41,341
cos you're too heavy.
745
00:38:41,591 --> 00:38:43,068
But in the end,
746
00:38:43,154 --> 00:38:46,493
youth and modern rubber
triumph over the flat hat.
747
00:38:46,578 --> 00:38:48,593
Oh, we're right all...
We're all over his tail.
748
00:38:48,678 --> 00:38:51,373
Here we go.
749
00:38:51,458 --> 00:38:53,843
- Oh, ho-ho!
- (ENGINES ROARING)
750
00:38:58,098 --> 00:38:59,578
Yes!
751
00:39:02,338 --> 00:39:03,773
Nicely done, sir.
752
00:39:03,858 --> 00:39:05,773
Lucky. I can keep my job.
753
00:39:05,889 --> 00:39:08,074
Yeah, I think
you can keep your job.
754
00:39:11,778 --> 00:39:14,123
(APPLAUSE DROWNS CHATTER)
755
00:39:16,458 --> 00:39:18,893
- What a hero.
- Oh, I love Dickie Attwood.
756
00:39:18,978 --> 00:39:21,182
- Fabulous.
- Oh, yeah, Dickie Attwood, what a man.
757
00:39:21,268 --> 00:39:22,299
Really good.
758
00:39:22,385 --> 00:39:25,820
So, you see, James,
some old men can drive fast.
759
00:39:26,142 --> 00:39:28,332
- Just saying.
- I didn't realise...
760
00:39:28,418 --> 00:39:30,713
You know the Ferdinand Piech
who did the 917?
761
00:39:30,798 --> 00:39:34,573
He went on, years later, to do
the Bugatti Veyron, didn't he?
762
00:39:34,658 --> 00:39:36,593
Yes, he did, exactly right.
And before that,
763
00:39:36,678 --> 00:39:39,413
he did the Audi Quattro,
the original one,
764
00:39:39,498 --> 00:39:42,113
and his grandfather,
obviously, he did the Beetle,
765
00:39:42,198 --> 00:39:44,893
and his cousin,
I think it was, did the 911.
766
00:39:44,978 --> 00:39:46,573
Yeah, his cousin Ferdinand.
767
00:39:46,658 --> 00:39:48,873
They were all called Ferdinand.
It's a true fact, this.
768
00:39:48,958 --> 00:39:50,933
Porsche was started
by Ferdinand,
769
00:39:51,018 --> 00:39:54,633
who had a son who took over the
company, and he was called Ferdinand.
770
00:39:54,718 --> 00:39:56,893
And then he handed it
on to his son,
771
00:39:56,978 --> 00:39:59,333
who was called Ferdinand,
and he did the 911.
772
00:39:59,418 --> 00:40:02,113
- They're all Ferdinand.
- Yeah, but the second Ferdinand...
773
00:40:02,198 --> 00:40:03,513
- Yeah.
- He had a sister.
774
00:40:03,598 --> 00:40:05,033
- Called Ferdinand.
- No.
775
00:40:05,118 --> 00:40:07,273
- (LAUGHTER)
- She was called Louise.
776
00:40:07,358 --> 00:40:09,813
And she had a daughter
called Louise.
777
00:40:09,898 --> 00:40:11,933
- There's a surprise.
- And a son called Ferdinand.
778
00:40:12,018 --> 00:40:14,093
That was Ferdinand Piech
who we were looking at there.
779
00:40:14,178 --> 00:40:15,373
Exactly right,
who did that car.
780
00:40:15,458 --> 00:40:17,393
There's no wonder, really,
that the 911 never changes,
781
00:40:17,478 --> 00:40:19,153
cos that family's got
no imagination.
782
00:40:19,238 --> 00:40:21,673
- (LAUGHTER)
- "What shall we call our son?"
783
00:40:21,758 --> 00:40:23,813
"Hmm, I'm thinking
Ferdinand."
784
00:40:23,898 --> 00:40:26,353
Want to guess what Ferdinand
Piech's son was called?
785
00:40:26,438 --> 00:40:28,333
- Colin?
- No, no, it was Ferdinand.
786
00:40:28,418 --> 00:40:29,693
- Was it?
- It was, yeah.
787
00:40:29,778 --> 00:40:31,913
There is a surprise.
There is a surprise.
788
00:40:31,998 --> 00:40:33,893
Anyway, let's move it on,
shall we?
789
00:40:33,978 --> 00:40:36,073
Yep, let's move it on. As you
would probably imagine,
790
00:40:36,158 --> 00:40:38,773
we have to travel a lot
to make this show.
791
00:40:38,858 --> 00:40:40,753
I mean, just in making
this series alone,
792
00:40:40,838 --> 00:40:43,833
we have been to Colombia,
Detroit, Las Vegas,
793
00:40:43,918 --> 00:40:45,873
Scotland, Tbilisi, Baku,
794
00:40:45,958 --> 00:40:48,953
Istanbul, Helsinki,
and Chongqing,
795
00:40:49,038 --> 00:40:52,333
Mongolia, Hong Kong,
Florida, Spain,
796
00:40:52,418 --> 00:40:54,893
France, Italy, Switzerland.
797
00:40:54,978 --> 00:40:56,573
That's just to make
13 programmes.
798
00:40:56,658 --> 00:40:57,793
Yeah, and we're not
making that up.
799
00:40:57,878 --> 00:40:59,373
We genuinely have
been that far.
800
00:40:59,458 --> 00:41:01,833
And that means we have to
go through a lot of airports.
801
00:41:01,918 --> 00:41:03,673
And almost all of them
drive us mad
802
00:41:03,758 --> 00:41:06,585
for a number of small
reasons, and one big one.
803
00:41:06,671 --> 00:41:08,053
- Yeah. You.
- What?
804
00:41:08,138 --> 00:41:09,613
- (LAUGHTER)
- Well, you.
805
00:41:09,698 --> 00:41:10,873
We have to travel
with you everywhere,
806
00:41:10,958 --> 00:41:13,093
and you never stop
ranting about it.
807
00:41:13,178 --> 00:41:14,793
I do a little bit
of that, yeah.
808
00:41:14,878 --> 00:41:16,023
- A little bit?
- Yeah.
809
00:41:16,109 --> 00:41:18,076
The first 20 minutes of
the film we're about to see
810
00:41:18,161 --> 00:41:20,116
are just rant before
we even get to the point.
811
00:41:20,358 --> 00:41:21,513
Yeah, that is true.
812
00:41:21,598 --> 00:41:24,937
But it's worth it,
as you shall see.
813
00:41:25,178 --> 00:41:28,233
JEREMY: This is London
Stansted Airport,
814
00:41:28,318 --> 00:41:31,883
which is located
nowhere near London.
815
00:41:34,498 --> 00:41:37,153
Here we are,
Wetherspoons with runways,
816
00:41:37,238 --> 00:41:40,253
and miles of tape
to make your life worse.
817
00:41:40,338 --> 00:41:42,613
And why do they need
a two-hour check-in?
818
00:41:42,698 --> 00:41:45,733
I mean, two hours to get my
suitcase from the check-in desk
819
00:41:45,818 --> 00:41:48,753
to just behind that wall over
there, which is where the plane is.
820
00:41:48,838 --> 00:41:50,213
Go on. Two hours!
821
00:41:50,298 --> 00:41:52,553
I could almost get it
back to London in two hours.
822
00:41:52,638 --> 00:41:54,933
- (SCANNER BEEPING)
- Oh, good, security.
823
00:41:55,018 --> 00:41:56,513
Time to take
all my clothes off
824
00:41:56,598 --> 00:41:58,373
and give someone
my toothpaste.
825
00:41:58,458 --> 00:42:00,353
And, do you know,
the worst thing is,
826
00:42:00,438 --> 00:42:04,653
I mean, the idiocy of people in
these queues just beggars belief.
827
00:42:04,738 --> 00:42:06,953
Look at her shoes.
You seen her? Look at her.
828
00:42:07,038 --> 00:42:08,893
She looks like Elton John
in Tommy.
829
00:42:08,978 --> 00:42:11,313
It's going to take her three
hours to take each one off.
830
00:42:11,398 --> 00:42:13,373
And take your laptops
out now,
831
00:42:13,458 --> 00:42:16,273
while you're in the queue,
not when you get there.
832
00:42:16,358 --> 00:42:20,773
I came here on a train, 2,000 people
on it, and no security at all.
833
00:42:20,858 --> 00:42:23,553
Going on an aeroplane.
Wooh. Well, we'll do this.
834
00:42:23,638 --> 00:42:25,533
- (BEEPING)
- And then, of course,
835
00:42:25,618 --> 00:42:28,073
is your bag going to be
selected for a special search?
836
00:42:28,158 --> 00:42:31,093
Of course it is.
All... Yes, there you go.
837
00:42:31,178 --> 00:42:33,213
You've been through
an X-ray machine.
838
00:42:33,298 --> 00:42:35,913
If you go to a hospital
and you X-ray somebody's leg,
839
00:42:35,998 --> 00:42:39,133
OK, you say, "Right, it's not
broken, I can see that,
840
00:42:39,218 --> 00:42:41,953
but let's just cut your flesh
open to make sure."
841
00:42:42,038 --> 00:42:44,173
It... They know.
It's been X-rayed.
842
00:42:44,258 --> 00:42:46,393
Why are they looking at it
again? Oh, here we go.
843
00:42:46,478 --> 00:42:48,393
- Yeah, salt.
- (PLASTIC RUSTLING)
844
00:42:48,478 --> 00:42:50,733
Self-raising flour.
845
00:42:50,818 --> 00:42:52,293
Normal flour.
846
00:42:52,378 --> 00:42:53,593
(BEEPING NEARBY)
847
00:42:53,678 --> 00:42:56,253
Baking powder. Talcum powder.
848
00:42:56,338 --> 00:42:58,653
That's for
my athlete's foot.
849
00:42:58,738 --> 00:43:00,113
I've put them in clear bags.
850
00:43:00,198 --> 00:43:01,773
Every single airport
851
00:43:01,858 --> 00:43:03,893
you go through
anywhere in the world,
852
00:43:03,978 --> 00:43:07,633
why are they so interested in my
condiments and medical necessities?
853
00:43:07,718 --> 00:43:09,803
- I mean...
- I don't know, mate.
854
00:43:10,458 --> 00:43:12,373
And then you're
out of security
855
00:43:12,458 --> 00:43:13,913
and straight into a shop,
856
00:43:13,998 --> 00:43:15,733
which wouldn't be
so bad
857
00:43:15,818 --> 00:43:17,553
if it sold something
you actually wanted,
858
00:43:17,638 --> 00:43:19,073
like bog roll or cat food.
859
00:43:19,158 --> 00:43:21,573
But, no,
all they sell is perfume.
860
00:43:21,658 --> 00:43:23,713
Why do they think,
when you get to an airport,
861
00:43:23,798 --> 00:43:26,713
"Oh, right, I'm suddenly
overcome with a need
862
00:43:26,798 --> 00:43:29,053
to smell like
Victoria Beckham"?
863
00:43:29,138 --> 00:43:31,913
Then you've got the adverts.
Look at that halfwit.
864
00:43:31,998 --> 00:43:34,333
Look at him.
865
00:43:34,418 --> 00:43:37,533
Every advert in every airport
makes no sense.
866
00:43:37,618 --> 00:43:40,133
And then you have
these moronic slogans
867
00:43:40,218 --> 00:43:42,633
from companies that do things
you don't understand.
868
00:43:42,718 --> 00:43:45,193
"Manage your infrastructure
like a visionary,
869
00:43:45,278 --> 00:43:46,933
not a functionary."
870
00:43:47,018 --> 00:43:49,333
What's that mean?
Might as well say,
871
00:43:49,418 --> 00:43:53,353
"Manage your infrastructure like
a visionary, not a shoplifter."
872
00:43:53,438 --> 00:43:55,513
There's a shop at Heathrow
873
00:43:55,598 --> 00:43:58,893
that sells
a life-size pot horse.
874
00:43:58,978 --> 00:44:01,273
I mean, who, when they're
about to get on an aeroplane,
875
00:44:01,358 --> 00:44:03,193
goes, "Yes, that's exactly
what I need,
876
00:44:03,278 --> 00:44:07,093
a brittle, fragile pot horse
to lumber about"?
877
00:44:07,178 --> 00:44:11,453
I'm going to start an airline
called "I'll Take My Chances Air".
878
00:44:11,538 --> 00:44:13,913
You turn up, get on
the plane, it takes off.
879
00:44:13,998 --> 00:44:16,933
Nobody on board
smells like Victoria Beckham.
880
00:44:17,018 --> 00:44:20,093
No security, nothing.
If it blows up, it blows up.
881
00:44:20,178 --> 00:44:22,473
Not that you can say "blows
up" in an airport these days
882
00:44:22,558 --> 00:44:24,553
cos then you have to go
to prison for 400 years.
883
00:44:24,638 --> 00:44:27,653
Why is she wearing
a tracksuit?
884
00:44:27,738 --> 00:44:29,813
Well, so she can
be comfortable.
885
00:44:29,898 --> 00:44:31,973
She's not going
on a fighter jet.
886
00:44:32,058 --> 00:44:33,853
She's going to Spain.
There's no g.
887
00:44:33,938 --> 00:44:36,373
Well, there's one.
Well, I mean there's 1g now.
888
00:44:36,458 --> 00:44:38,553
I'm not thinking, "Ooh, these
jeans are really uncomfortable,
889
00:44:38,638 --> 00:44:40,973
I wish I'd worn a kaftan."
890
00:44:41,058 --> 00:44:44,913
And all those, they're the amuse-bouche
of the problems you have at an airport.
891
00:44:44,998 --> 00:44:47,473
Now it's time
for the really big one -
892
00:44:47,558 --> 00:44:49,853
the distance to the gate.
893
00:44:49,938 --> 00:44:52,573
- This never ends.
- Of course it doesn't end.
894
00:44:52,658 --> 00:44:53,993
- Oh, God.
- Look at that.
895
00:44:54,078 --> 00:44:56,173
Ten-minute walk to gates.
896
00:44:56,258 --> 00:44:58,073
There's no such thing
as a ten-minute walk.
897
00:44:58,158 --> 00:45:00,453
Nobody walks for ten minutes.
898
00:45:00,538 --> 00:45:03,433
Well, I mean, an ape would or a
wildebeest, but not a human being.
899
00:45:03,518 --> 00:45:05,213
Ten-minute walk!
900
00:45:05,298 --> 00:45:08,073
The distance from
the bag drop here,
901
00:45:08,158 --> 00:45:11,893
to this gate we're going to,
is 1.2 kilometres.
902
00:45:11,978 --> 00:45:16,313
In Atlanta, the walk to the
furthest gate is two kilometres.
903
00:45:16,398 --> 00:45:18,613
In Beijing, it's two miles!
904
00:45:18,698 --> 00:45:21,413
The astonishing miracle
is that, so far,
905
00:45:21,498 --> 00:45:23,153
I haven't actually been
run over
906
00:45:23,238 --> 00:45:26,153
by one of those karts going,
"Beep, beep, beep, beep.
907
00:45:26,238 --> 00:45:28,853
Warning.
Fat bastard on board."
908
00:45:28,938 --> 00:45:31,313
And then you get to a corner,
and is it the end?
909
00:45:31,398 --> 00:45:34,813
No, there's another mile
of corridor to get down.
910
00:45:34,898 --> 00:45:36,833
No-one in the history
of aviation
911
00:45:36,918 --> 00:45:38,573
has ever flown
from gate one.
912
00:45:38,658 --> 00:45:40,793
There are no gate ones
anywhere in the world.
913
00:45:40,878 --> 00:45:43,193
"Here's your ticket.
Gate 374."
914
00:45:43,278 --> 00:45:45,533
Where's gate one?
915
00:45:45,618 --> 00:45:51,053
I can see now why James May
volunteered not to be in this film.
916
00:45:51,138 --> 00:45:52,753
And, finally,
you get to the gate,
917
00:45:52,838 --> 00:45:55,013
which is so far
from civilisation
918
00:45:55,098 --> 00:45:57,693
they're still using
a dot matrix printer.
919
00:45:57,778 --> 00:46:00,913
We have explained to him that
the walk has to be this long
920
00:46:00,998 --> 00:46:04,773
because aeroplanes are wide
because they've got wings,
921
00:46:04,858 --> 00:46:07,473
but he can't seem to
understand the concept.
922
00:46:07,558 --> 00:46:11,533
Look, you will admit that
that was a long walk, yes?
923
00:46:11,618 --> 00:46:13,833
I don't care what the reason
is, it's a long walk.
924
00:46:13,918 --> 00:46:19,233
- It is quite a stretch, yes.
- Which is why we decided to address the problem.
925
00:46:19,318 --> 00:46:21,403
Shut him up.
926
00:46:23,018 --> 00:46:26,153
JEREMY: So, here we are
arriving at the airport again
927
00:46:26,238 --> 00:46:28,853
with what looks like
normal hand luggage.
928
00:46:28,938 --> 00:46:30,893
OK, what I have here,
as you can see,
929
00:46:30,978 --> 00:46:32,993
is a perfectly ordinary
wheeled suitcase.
930
00:46:33,078 --> 00:46:34,813
If I fold the handle away,
931
00:46:34,898 --> 00:46:36,873
it will fit in
an overhead locker.
932
00:46:36,958 --> 00:46:39,713
However, if I lay it down,
like so,
933
00:46:39,798 --> 00:46:43,293
you can see...
starting to look like a car.
934
00:46:43,378 --> 00:46:45,173
- Not really, mate.
- No, it is.
935
00:46:45,258 --> 00:46:49,113
And it will look even more like a
car when I have completed the build.
936
00:46:49,198 --> 00:46:51,556
Simply open it up.
937
00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:52,993
As you can see,
all the things I need
938
00:46:53,078 --> 00:46:55,572
for a couple of nights away
are in there.
939
00:46:55,658 --> 00:46:56,753
It is actually a suitcase.
940
00:46:56,845 --> 00:47:00,373
But also in here is,
um, a steering wheel.
941
00:47:00,458 --> 00:47:02,253
So, shut that up...
(GROANS)
942
00:47:02,338 --> 00:47:04,773
Yeah, you put your shirt
over your steering wheel.
943
00:47:04,858 --> 00:47:06,913
- It's not my shirt, it's my jacket.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
944
00:47:06,998 --> 00:47:12,373
Just move it off the steering
column, zip it up.
945
00:47:12,458 --> 00:47:14,393
- Right, and then...
- (CLICKS)
946
00:47:14,478 --> 00:47:18,073
You heard that. A solid click
like an M16 rifle bolt.
947
00:47:18,158 --> 00:47:21,573
This is my accelerator,
my brake,
948
00:47:21,658 --> 00:47:23,973
and then I simply...
sitting on it,
949
00:47:24,058 --> 00:47:28,110
being quite careful to keep
that away from... my plums.
950
00:47:28,196 --> 00:47:29,493
And I am ready to go.
951
00:47:29,578 --> 00:47:31,353
- So, where's yours?
- Here.
952
00:47:31,438 --> 00:47:33,633
- This is it. Laptop.
- Yeah.
953
00:47:33,718 --> 00:47:35,573
Put it on the floor.
954
00:47:35,658 --> 00:47:37,853
- Wheeled laptop?
- Oh, yeah.
955
00:47:37,938 --> 00:47:39,993
- Yeah, but... Oh, I see, you stand on it.
- Yeah.
956
00:47:40,078 --> 00:47:41,493
And I'm off.
957
00:47:41,578 --> 00:47:43,673
- So where's your luggage?
- In my pocket.
958
00:47:43,758 --> 00:47:46,553
I got pants, toothbrush,
everything I need.
959
00:47:46,638 --> 00:47:47,893
I'm good to go.
960
00:47:47,978 --> 00:47:49,793
Hammond, that does look
a bit dangerous.
961
00:47:49,878 --> 00:47:51,853
- It is.
- (LAUGHS)
962
00:47:51,938 --> 00:47:53,753
That's why I'm wearing
all these pads.
963
00:47:53,838 --> 00:47:57,853
Right, are we ready, then,
to revolutionise air travel?
964
00:47:57,938 --> 00:48:01,633
Yeah. The worst bit about every
working day is about to get better.
965
00:48:01,718 --> 00:48:03,723
Let's do this.
966
00:48:04,698 --> 00:48:06,978
The speed!
967
00:48:08,298 --> 00:48:10,253
- (THUD)
- Oh, shit.
968
00:48:10,338 --> 00:48:12,193
I may have hit
the other sign as well.
969
00:48:12,278 --> 00:48:15,323
- My brakes aren't as good as I thought.
- I hit the big sign.
970
00:48:17,218 --> 00:48:19,453
RICHARD: Another advantage
of this, I am tall.
971
00:48:19,538 --> 00:48:22,333
- I reckon I'm 5'11" on this.
- There's been a bit of a role reversal.
972
00:48:22,418 --> 00:48:24,193
RICHARD: It's good. I've
got to be honest with you.
973
00:48:24,278 --> 00:48:27,713
In a matter of moments,
we arrived at the check-in.
974
00:48:27,798 --> 00:48:30,123
This is a good test.
975
00:48:32,498 --> 00:48:33,898
Yes.
976
00:48:35,018 --> 00:48:38,093
I'm not a sheep,
I'm not a sheep.
977
00:48:38,178 --> 00:48:41,453
- I have solved customs.
- (CLATTERING)
978
00:48:41,538 --> 00:48:43,033
- (CLUNK)
- Ah! Hello.
979
00:48:43,118 --> 00:48:45,733
- Sorry about that.
- Sorry. -Ow.
980
00:48:45,818 --> 00:48:47,673
- Are you checking in a bag?
- No.
981
00:48:47,758 --> 00:48:50,253
- He's on it.
- I have it here. It's here.
982
00:48:50,338 --> 00:48:52,723
- He's not normally that tall.
- Shut up.
983
00:48:54,058 --> 00:48:56,403
- (BEEPING)
JEREMY: Into security.
984
00:48:57,178 --> 00:48:59,233
- (THUD)
- Oh, God, my foot.
985
00:48:59,318 --> 00:49:00,733
Sorry.
986
00:49:00,818 --> 00:49:02,513
- Sorry. Sorry.
- That was my other foot.
987
00:49:02,598 --> 00:49:04,923
- Yep, that happened.
- (BLEEPING)
988
00:49:06,698 --> 00:49:09,093
Can you, er, take out
your laptop, please?
989
00:49:09,178 --> 00:49:11,413
Well, no, it is a laptop.
Look, that's it.
990
00:49:11,498 --> 00:49:13,013
- It's a laptop.
- It's a laptop with wheels.
991
00:49:13,099 --> 00:49:15,352
- Yeah, that's it, simple.
- That's a steering wheel.
992
00:49:15,438 --> 00:49:18,733
- And what's that?
- Car.
993
00:49:18,818 --> 00:49:21,333
- Oh, God. Just got to get undressed.
- Yeah, yeah.
994
00:49:21,418 --> 00:49:24,193
- Do you want to see my penis?
- Um, whoa, not right now.
995
00:49:24,278 --> 00:49:25,873
There you go.
996
00:49:25,958 --> 00:49:28,773
(BEEPING)
997
00:49:28,858 --> 00:49:30,593
Thanks. Bet you never had
a steering wheel
998
00:49:30,678 --> 00:49:32,393
go through customs before,
have you?
999
00:49:32,478 --> 00:49:33,773
Ooh, ah.
1000
00:49:33,858 --> 00:49:37,853
- Right, onwards.
- (WHIRRING)
1001
00:49:37,938 --> 00:49:40,593
I actually have nine wheels
on my suitcase,
1002
00:49:40,678 --> 00:49:42,093
not counting this one.
1003
00:49:42,178 --> 00:49:43,753
Oh, that was...
That was... Ha-ha.
1004
00:49:43,838 --> 00:49:46,473
That was a bad mistake.
Ah. Ha-ha.
1005
00:49:46,558 --> 00:49:48,443
Yeah, sorry.
1006
00:49:51,498 --> 00:49:55,563
JEREMY: Soon we were motoring
through the duty-free shops.
1007
00:49:57,858 --> 00:50:00,893
This works
by leaning to steer it.
1008
00:50:00,978 --> 00:50:03,893
It runs on what are,
I believe, called "trucks",
1009
00:50:03,978 --> 00:50:05,713
which are the little wheels
under skateboards,
1010
00:50:05,798 --> 00:50:07,753
and they... they go
in the direction you lean.
1011
00:50:07,838 --> 00:50:10,593
Coming through.
(GASPS) Oh, sorry, madam.
1012
00:50:10,678 --> 00:50:14,053
I think it'd be better
if it made a noise.
1013
00:50:14,138 --> 00:50:17,053
- Hello, this is the future.
- I want one!
1014
00:50:17,138 --> 00:50:18,973
You're dragging your suitcase
1015
00:50:19,058 --> 00:50:21,483
instead of using it
to get you to the gate.
1016
00:50:23,138 --> 00:50:26,493
Oh. Beep, beep, beep.
1017
00:50:26,578 --> 00:50:30,333
Sorry, I've... Sorry, I...
Thank you.
1018
00:50:30,418 --> 00:50:33,033
In full power mode, I have a
top speed of 28 miles an hour
1019
00:50:33,118 --> 00:50:34,973
but I'm not using that
1020
00:50:35,058 --> 00:50:37,593
because in full power mode,
you have no steering at all.
1021
00:50:37,678 --> 00:50:38,933
No, no, no, no, no!
1022
00:50:39,018 --> 00:50:41,553
- (THUD AND CLATTERING)
- Oh, sorry, mate...
1023
00:50:41,638 --> 00:50:44,033
RICHARD: Er, Jeremy,
you've killed a man!
1024
00:50:44,118 --> 00:50:47,073
- Oh, shit, no!
- Oh, Hammond's gone!
1025
00:50:47,158 --> 00:50:49,653
(HE GROANS) Ow.
1026
00:50:49,738 --> 00:50:52,413
- I meant that.
- He's gone!
1027
00:50:52,498 --> 00:50:56,593
JEREMY: Eventually, though, I started
to get the hang of my machine.
1028
00:50:56,678 --> 00:50:58,573
Handbrake turn.
1029
00:50:58,658 --> 00:51:01,173
(HE CHUCKLES) Hammond!
1030
00:51:01,258 --> 00:51:03,273
- What?
- I'm drifting a suitcase.
1031
00:51:03,358 --> 00:51:05,993
This is more like
a race track than a shop.
1032
00:51:06,078 --> 00:51:07,898
Oh, shit!
1033
00:51:09,698 --> 00:51:11,098
Oh, sh...
1034
00:51:12,778 --> 00:51:15,393
Can somebody do... This is...
Where's the manager?
1035
00:51:15,478 --> 00:51:17,893
This was like this
when we got here.
1036
00:51:17,978 --> 00:51:20,273
OK, we could try
and rebuild it, or...
1037
00:51:20,358 --> 00:51:22,573
Going to have to rebuild it.
1038
00:51:22,658 --> 00:51:25,053
Actually,
genuinely hurt my leg.
1039
00:51:25,138 --> 00:51:26,733
Not that you're bothered.
1040
00:51:26,818 --> 00:51:28,373
I'm bothered
when you hurt yourself,
1041
00:51:28,458 --> 00:51:30,233
which is every time
you get in a moving vehicle.
1042
00:51:30,318 --> 00:51:32,973
How bothered are you?
I genuinely have hurt my ankle.
1043
00:51:33,058 --> 00:51:34,833
You're not going to get
an air ambulance trip
1044
00:51:34,918 --> 00:51:36,953
out of crashing into
some chocolate bars.
1045
00:51:37,038 --> 00:51:41,243
Soon, we decided that instead of
rebuilding the Toblerone mountain...
1046
00:51:42,738 --> 00:51:46,553
we should use the time
we'd made up having a drink.
1047
00:51:46,638 --> 00:51:49,313
(FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT
IN BACKGROUND)
1048
00:51:49,398 --> 00:51:51,273
JEREMY: Ah!
- (THUD)
1049
00:51:51,358 --> 00:51:54,373
- (CLATTERING)
- Sorry!
1050
00:51:54,458 --> 00:51:55,933
Oh, God. Um...
1051
00:51:56,018 --> 00:51:57,713
Can I have...
Er, sorry about that.
1052
00:51:57,798 --> 00:52:00,173
It's... difficult to stop.
1053
00:52:00,258 --> 00:52:01,733
Um... What do you want?
1054
00:52:01,818 --> 00:52:03,153
Er, I'll have
a gin and tonic.
1055
00:52:03,238 --> 00:52:04,923
Two gin and tonics, please.
1056
00:52:07,138 --> 00:52:10,013
So, it's a skateboard
with a cordless drill motor,
1057
00:52:10,098 --> 00:52:12,193
and then it gets its power
from the laptop batteries?
1058
00:52:12,278 --> 00:52:14,353
- And that's really a...
- Yeah. Laptop. It works.
1059
00:52:14,438 --> 00:52:16,413
There's my laptop.
1060
00:52:16,498 --> 00:52:18,773
That's actually quite clever.
1061
00:52:18,858 --> 00:52:20,773
The way we have
to look at it is, yes,
1062
00:52:20,858 --> 00:52:23,033
there was a small accident
with the Toblerone,
1063
00:52:23,118 --> 00:52:25,013
- and I did kill a man.
- You did.
1064
00:52:25,098 --> 00:52:27,673
But other than those minor
drawbacks, I think we're going well.
1065
00:52:27,758 --> 00:52:29,953
I mean, when have we ever,
in all of our travels,
1066
00:52:30,038 --> 00:52:32,113
stopped for a gin and tonic
at an airport?
1067
00:52:32,198 --> 00:52:34,693
Never ever had time
to do that.
1068
00:52:34,778 --> 00:52:36,153
JEREMY:
Having finished our drinks,
1069
00:52:36,238 --> 00:52:40,053
we set off into
the warren of walkways.
1070
00:52:40,138 --> 00:52:44,483
This meant I could finally
unleash my suitcase-mobile.
1071
00:52:49,058 --> 00:52:51,803
The speeeed!
1072
00:52:52,578 --> 00:52:55,373
Oh, rides like a Tesla.
1073
00:52:55,458 --> 00:52:57,113
Hello. Ooh, ha.
1074
00:52:57,198 --> 00:53:00,693
Enjoying your walk?
(CHUCKLES)
1075
00:53:00,778 --> 00:53:04,073
Hammond, meanwhile, had
decided to use the travellator.
1076
00:53:04,158 --> 00:53:05,853
Yeah.
1077
00:53:05,938 --> 00:53:08,393
I'm saving laptop batteries
by doing this.
1078
00:53:08,478 --> 00:53:10,563
Just... Oh, no,
hang on a minute.
1079
00:53:11,898 --> 00:53:14,553
How am I going to
get off the end of this?
1080
00:53:14,638 --> 00:53:16,453
Wait. I'm in reverse.
1081
00:53:16,538 --> 00:53:19,033
So I can stay... I'm stationary,
but only cos I'm in reverse.
1082
00:53:19,118 --> 00:53:20,653
Um...
1083
00:53:20,738 --> 00:53:25,683
If you just stride,
stride, stride, stride. Um...
1084
00:53:26,738 --> 00:53:29,113
Having eventually reunited...
1085
00:53:29,198 --> 00:53:31,813
Out of the way.
1086
00:53:31,898 --> 00:53:34,153
...we arrived
at the departure gate
1087
00:53:34,238 --> 00:53:36,933
feeling fresh and calm.
1088
00:53:37,018 --> 00:53:39,913
Nothing to see here.
Nothing to see.
1089
00:53:39,998 --> 00:53:41,933
Is it gate 88, Hammond?
1090
00:53:42,026 --> 00:53:44,448
What? No, mate,
it's this one.
1091
00:53:46,338 --> 00:53:48,083
There's no plane!
1092
00:53:50,058 --> 00:53:52,603
(THUDDING AND CLATTERING)
1093
00:53:54,978 --> 00:53:56,493
(HE WINCES)
1094
00:53:56,578 --> 00:53:58,953
And on that
terrible disappointment,
1095
00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:00,653
back to the tent.
1096
00:54:00,738 --> 00:54:03,273
- (APPLAUSE)
RICHARD: I liked that bit.
1097
00:54:03,358 --> 00:54:05,723
- I enjoyed that bit.
- (CHEERING)
1098
00:54:07,578 --> 00:54:10,123
That was quite hurty.
1099
00:54:11,138 --> 00:54:12,893
Right, we know
how his works. I...
1100
00:54:12,978 --> 00:54:14,653
I just...
I fell out of a tunnel!
1101
00:54:14,738 --> 00:54:17,133
I'm not interested in that. I
want to know how yours works.
1102
00:54:17,218 --> 00:54:19,128
Well, it's exactly the same.
It was a cordless
1103
00:54:19,214 --> 00:54:20,713
drill motor and some
laptop batteries.
1104
00:54:20,798 --> 00:54:22,713
Right, and you're claiming
that has a top speed
1105
00:54:22,798 --> 00:54:24,213
of 28 miles an hour?
1106
00:54:24,298 --> 00:54:26,713
I was doing 28 when I fell
out of the tunnel.
1107
00:54:26,798 --> 00:54:28,413
- Really?
- Yes, 28.
1108
00:54:28,498 --> 00:54:29,773
I didn't believe him either,
1109
00:54:29,858 --> 00:54:31,393
so when the airport
quietened down a bit,
1110
00:54:31,478 --> 00:54:34,273
- we organised a race.
- Yeah, we did. We got some drivers.
1111
00:54:34,358 --> 00:54:36,593
I got Abbie
to ride my suitcase.
1112
00:54:36,678 --> 00:54:40,053
Yep, and my laptop
was ridden by Aaron Davis,
1113
00:54:40,138 --> 00:54:43,613
the second fastest young
skateboarder in Britain,
1114
00:54:43,698 --> 00:54:45,433
and you can't get
better than that.
1115
00:54:45,518 --> 00:54:48,213
- Well... You can.
- (LAUGHTER)
1116
00:54:48,298 --> 00:54:50,093
You can get the fastest,
but I didn't.
1117
00:54:50,178 --> 00:54:52,193
Anyway, you didn't.
Who wants to see the race?
1118
00:54:52,278 --> 00:54:54,523
AUDIENCE: Yes!
- OK, play the tape.
1119
00:54:55,658 --> 00:54:57,686
(TANNOY CHIME)
1120
00:54:58,058 --> 00:55:02,253
JEREMY: Right, here's Abbie
on my superb suitcase.
1121
00:55:02,338 --> 00:55:05,593
And here's Hammond's man
on the laptop.
1122
00:55:05,678 --> 00:55:08,553
And now...
let's see what happens.
1123
00:55:08,638 --> 00:55:11,313
Three, two, one.
1124
00:55:11,398 --> 00:55:13,578
(WHIRRING)
1125
00:55:51,578 --> 00:55:53,138
(LAUGHTER)
1126
00:55:54,085 --> 00:55:56,460
That was exciting.
1127
00:55:56,678 --> 00:55:58,098
I think...
1128
00:55:59,105 --> 00:56:00,660
Who, here...
1129
00:56:00,948 --> 00:56:03,652
Hands up. Who, here, would
like to have one of those
1130
00:56:03,738 --> 00:56:05,793
- for going through an airport?
- Yeah, it's the way forward.
1131
00:56:05,878 --> 00:56:07,213
There you go.
We're onto something.
1132
00:56:07,298 --> 00:56:09,033
- It's the way forwards.
- Just hang on a minute.
1133
00:56:09,118 --> 00:56:11,393
Can I just ask, is that
the first race in history
1134
00:56:11,478 --> 00:56:15,493
where all of the competitors
crashed before the finish?
1135
00:56:15,578 --> 00:56:17,878
- (LAUGHTER) - Probably is, actually.
- Um, probably, yeah.
1136
00:56:17,963 --> 00:56:19,464
- Probably is. Yeah.
- And let's not forget
1137
00:56:19,549 --> 00:56:20,753
when you used
your inventions,
1138
00:56:20,838 --> 00:56:23,133
you fell off quite badly,
1139
00:56:23,218 --> 00:56:26,612
you killed a man and then you
drove out of the end of a tunnel.
1140
00:56:26,705 --> 00:56:31,253
Yes, I did do that, and I crashed into
those Toblerone, which also hurt, yeah.
1141
00:56:31,338 --> 00:56:33,273
So those, those things
you've created
1142
00:56:33,358 --> 00:56:36,313
are a complete menace
to the people using them,
1143
00:56:36,398 --> 00:56:38,753
and everybody else
in the airport.
1144
00:56:38,838 --> 00:56:40,013
- Uh...
- Fair?
1145
00:56:40,098 --> 00:56:41,933
- Yeah.
- Yes, that is fair,
1146
00:56:42,018 --> 00:56:43,973
actually,
now I come to think of it.
1147
00:56:44,058 --> 00:56:46,953
And so, on that terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.
1148
00:56:47,038 --> 00:56:49,513
Now, next week,
there's a Grand Tour special.
1149
00:56:49,598 --> 00:56:52,473
We're attempting to cross
the vast wilderness
1150
00:56:52,558 --> 00:56:55,833
that is Mongolia,
using a car that we built -
1151
00:56:55,918 --> 00:56:58,093
well, they built - ourselves.
1152
00:56:58,178 --> 00:57:00,393
- (CHUCKLING)
- See you then. Take care.
1153
00:57:00,478 --> 00:57:02,213
- Good night.
- (CHEERING)
91210
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