All language subtitles for One.Big.Happy.S01E06.Wedlocked.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_eng

Previously on
"One Big Happy"...

None of the weddings
that happened here were legal.

My visa expires
in a week.

If we're not married by then,
I'll be exiled back to England.

Well, I'm not
gonna let that happen.

We'll just get married again.

I flew your father in.

That's not my father.
I'm her husband.

Excuse me?
I'm sorry?

I never loved you, Martin.

I was only
using you to get out

of a bad situation at home.

Why else would I marry you

after only knowing you
for three days?

Just let me explain.
There's nothing to explain.

You marry
the first sucker you meet

to solve your problems.

Did you marry me because
you were about to be deported?

Martin's gone.
So is Luke.

Oh.

So, what you're saying is
it's just you and me now.

¶¶

Lizzy, thank you so much
for letting me sleep with you.

I woke up,
and you were next to me,

so that's more of an assault
than a "letting."

I just-- I can't sleep
in that bed another night

without Luke.

Teach me how to be alone.

¶¶

So, wait, you've never
slept alone before.

It's like they have
their own gravitational pull.

God, I miss Luke so much.

I miss his smell,
I miss his touch,

the way he kisses every single
part of my body good night.

It takes him
an hour and a half.

But it's so sweet.

It might be the pregnancy,
but suddenly I'm nauseous.

But most of all
I miss his poetry.

Poetry? I'm pretty sure
the only poem Luke knows

is "Beer before liquor
never been sicker."

No. Every night he'd write
one word on a note,

and then he'd
place it on my pillow.

And then at the end of the week,
it'd be a poem.

Look.

"Hearts intertwined,

soft kisses move my junk."

Lizzy, if he and I
aren't married by tomorrow,

I'll be deported--

Then he won't have anyone
to move his junk.

Prudence, Luke knows that
your visa is about to expire,

but he's really upset with you

and for good reason.

It's not like you squeezed
the toothpaste from the middle

or used his razor
on your hoo-ha.

I'd never do that. See?

I'll take your word for it.

But, seriously,

why didn't you tell Luke
that you were married before?

I don't know.

And I can't blame him
for not trusting me anymore.

But haven't you
ever had a secret,

like something
you were ashamed of,

that you didn't need
to keep a secret,

but you did
because you were afraid

of what people might think?

That resonates
with me, yes.

I kept a pretty big secret
for 18 years.

Well, 14.

I didn't really think about
being gay before kindergarten.

Oh, wait...
Jenny Murphy.

So you understand.

Wow. Maybe we're not
so different after all.

Yeah, look at us
having a... moment.

Yeah, look at us.

So will you please
talk to Luke for me?

Yeah, I will,
first thing tomorrow.

Thank you, Lizzy.

You've really been my rock
through this.

Beneath that icy shell,

is a slightly less cold,
additional shell.

And the moment's over.

¶¶

Prudence is killing me
right now.

She won't stop texting.

"I'm sorry." Delete.
"I love you." Delete.

That's a photo. Save.

Dude, you've been pacing
and ranting for two days.

I let you punch a hole
in the wall.

I held you as you cried

which I will
tell no one about.

Thank you, man,
you've been really tender.

But now you need
a distraction.

And I need your help.

I met this great girl, Lori,
and I wanted to impress her,

so I might've told her
I'm a cop.

I definitely
told her I'm a cop.

That explains the handcuffs.

No, those I just have.

Oh.

But Lori and I are going
to the Orion tonight

and she's bringing a friend,

so you just need to decide
if you're a homicide detective

or a desk guy.

The crying tells me
you're a desk guy.

Dude, I'm not going on
some fake cop double-date.

Well, fine,
you could be FBI.

We could argue over
jurisdiction.

Well, that's just stupid.

I've been working
this wire tap for a month.

This is obviously my case.

Your baby mama's here.

I'm gonna go watch
"Police Academy," study up.

What are you doing here?

Delivering your suit.

You know, for your wedding
that needs to happen tonight.

You're the groom,
they can't do it without you.

Actually, in this state,
they can.

How am I supposed to marry
Prudence if I can't trust her?

I mean, who's gonna show up
next from her past?

One of her seven sisters
that's really her daughter,

or granddaughter
or great-granddaughter?

Okay, Prudence is like 30.

Is she,
or is she like 90?

Look, Prudence didn't tell you
that she was married before

because she was ashamed.

It was almost like
she was in the closet.

It is always gay pride day
with you, isn't it?

And why are you suddenly
on Prudence's side.

I mean, you've been dreaming
about getting rid of her

from the beginning.

That's not true.

I heard you mutter it

as you threw a coin
into a fountain.

I know a lot of Prudences.

Oh, come on, Lizzy,
be honest.

You resent her for
throwing a wrench

into our whole baby plan.

Well, first of all,
you shouldn't throw

a wrench around a baby.

Just admit it,
you hope she gets deported.

And I'm sorry, but I can't help
but think there's a part of you

that flew in
her secret husband on purpose!

What are you saying?

That I flew her secret husband
in on purpose?

Yes, that's exactly
what I'm saying!

I think you sabotaged
my marriage.

Sabotage!

I swear, I thought
I was flying in her dad

so that you could ask
for his blessing,

which is a very sweet gesture.

Smells like sabotage!

Oh, my God!

What have you
been smoking?

I don't know, Marcus,
what have we been smoking?

It's medicinal!

Everybody calm down!

Look, I know that
you're angry with me,

but I also know
that you love her.

She showed me some

of your seven-word
sex poems.

Such gems as...

..."Gentle touches,
sweet caresses,

we should bang."

Based on a true story.

But things have changed,
I'm going to the Orion tonight.

So I have a new
seven-word poem for you.

Not coming home,
not getting married.

That's six words.
Good day.

That's two,
now you're over.

¶¶

Can you believe Luke
accused me of trying to

sabotage the relationship?

That is crazy,
that is nutso.

I am not evil,
I am a gosh-damn delight.

I'm your sister
so I say this with love,

but you can be
an evil monster.

What are you talking about?

You killed my fish
the summer I went

to Paula Abdul dance camp.

Fish die.

That's like me saying
you let grandpa die.

Sometimes things just die.

Right, but mom and dad
couldn't afford to send us both

to Paula Abdul dance camp,
so they sent me.

And you said you were fine

and you would take care
of Rodney Dangerfish

but gave him no respect.

Come on, I forgot
to feed him one time.

One time?
A few times.

Really?
Okay, every single time.

But it should've been me
at that dance camp.

You can't
do this or this.

Or this.

Yeah, you're
a gosh-damn delight.

Oh, my God,
I killed your fish.

And maybe Luke is right.

Maybe on some level,
I sabotaged him and Prudence.

The ghost
of Rodney Dangerfish agrees.

This is terrible.

And I only have
like four hours to fix this,

or Prudence is gone for good.

But what can I do
if he won't even talk to her?

Okay, okay.

When I get really mad at Roy,

I just remember why
I fell in love with him

in the first place...

You should know that.

And you just
gave me an idea.

All I need to do is get Luke
and Prudence in the same room

and recreate the moment
they fell in love.

I remember!

He got me pregnant.

¶¶

I mean the police academy
was hard.

But we had this one guy

who made fun sound effects
with his mouth.

His career kind of
dropped off after that.

Luke, tell them
about the FBI.

Mm.

Oh, there was
this one real meany.

That's a law enforcement term.

His name was Hannibal Lector.

Oh, my God, they made
a movie about him.

You met him?

I'm just a cashier at Target.

It's like a store

where you can buy shoes

and cereal and bras
and outdoor furniture

and wrapping paper and--

I've been to Target,
Jackie.

Oh.

Well, you know my man, Luke,
is not only an FBI agent,

he also writes
sensual poetry.

I love poetry.

Maya Angelou is like...
my girl.

Do me one of your poems.

Do it later,
'cause I have to pee.

Come on, Jackie,
let's go pee.

I totally have to pee.
let's go pee.

Come on, man,
perk up.

Please just keep
the squeaky one entertained.

Do you not want me
to have sex?

Honestly, I have like
zero investment.

I'm just not into this.

I met Prudence here.

She was standing
right behind that bar.

Best night of my life.

Am I supposed to just
give all that up?

Just for like a few hours.

The line was too long.

We peed outside.

Lizzy, where are
you taking me?

Just trust me.

Wait, this is the bar
where Luke and I first met.

It was love at first sight.

Best night of my life.

Well, we're about
to déjá vu that bitch.

Prudence?

Luke!

I can't believe you're here,
this is just like--

The night we first--

I think what you two
are experiencing

is the opposite of sabotage.

I'm so sorry that I
never told you about--

Luke, we're leaving.

And you're like
the hottest guy

who's ever talked to me,

so you're definitely
gonna get me to do stuff.

And then you can write
a sex poem about that stuff.

Who's she?
She's Jackie.

You're with her.
No.

Yes, I'm touching
his butt right now.

I spent two days
crying over you.

I sent you glamour shots
of my no-no bits.

And you're with
another girl,

writing her poems?

She just peed outside,
that is not my thing!

Not yet.

Shut up, Jackie!

Wait, do you work at Target?

If it's that easy
for you to move on,

just forget it.

And forget me!

No, Prudence, wait!

Are you okay?
No!

Lizzie, what did you do?

I fixed it?

¶¶

¶¶

Prudence,
what are you doing?

Leaving.

They're gonna
deport me anyway.

Yet somehow Simon Cowell
walks free.

Please, don't go.

I was at the bar
as Marcus' wingman.

I don't want Jackie
from Target,

I want Prudence from

whatever job
you eventually get.

Whatevs, no rush.

Yeah, Jackie's
not even his type.

I mean, before you, there was
a whole parade of sluts

that didn't even look
anything like her.

Lizzy,
stop trying to fix this!

Prudence, I didn't cheat on you.

You have to believe me.

Okay, I believe you,

but it still doesn't mean
I should stay.

But if you do stay,
you have an hour to get married,

so no presh-- Actually, there's
a fair amount of presh.

I want this to work,
I really do,

but I'm just afraid
that after what happened,

you're never gonna be able
to trust me again.

Valid point.
I like where this is going,

really getting to the core.

I wanna trust you,
but just tell me now

is there anything else I need
to know about your past?

Yes.

Okay, here goes.

I was an ugly duckling.

I had an overbite
and an underbite.

I was in a trolley accident,
this isn't my real ear.

And I was once arrested
for stealing pickles

from the Parliament
Pickle Pantry.

It's a pickle shop
in Piccadilly Circus.

Oh.

And I can't pronounce
the word "tapdole."

Tapdole-- Oh!
Baby frog.

Dude, she just
bared her soul.

What do you say?

I say I love you.

I love you, too.

Then let's get married.

Whoa! Whoa!

You have 58 minutes... okay?

Stop that now!

You got to Marcus',
grab your suit.

You go put on
your wedding dress.

I'll take care of
everything else.

And it's the left one, right?

'Cause now I can't
look at anything else.

¶¶

Oh, my God, you look so hot.

Jackie,
what are you doing here?

Looking for you
and finding you,

and then hopefully--

Aah!

Look, Jackie, I'm sorry,

but I have to be at a wedding
in less than an hour.

Oh, fun, I can go
as your date.

No, Jackie, I have a date--
I'm the groom.

Look, Jackie, I'm sorry
if I misled you in any way.

I was only trying
to help Marcus--

Officer Hightower.

But I gotta go.
Oh, my God.

This always happens to me.

I meet a great guy,

and then he leaves me
for someone prettier

and smarter
and more mentally stable.

Jackie.

Don't cry, I hate it
when girls cry.

You know what
would cheer me up?

No.

If you stayed.
Oh, I can't.

Whoops, I threw your phone.

Jackie, no!

¶ Guess where the key is? ¶

I mean, I'm a good planner,

but under an hour
to throw a wedding together

is almost too much to ask.

Almost.

Now we just need the bride,
the groom, and the officiant.

So, you know, the wedding.

But still, sissy,
this is really beautiful.

Thanks.

Honey.
Hmm?

You seem really happy.

What's wrong?

Roy, I know I don't
tell you this often enough,

but good job knocking me up.

Ah, honey, the best
elevator ride of my life.

Wow.

You look stunning.

But white, really?

Look at this, Lizzie,

and look at you,
rocking that pantsuit

like only a lesbian
or female politician could.

But we've only got 20 minutes,
why isn't Luke here yet?

Jackie, come on,
please, uncuff me!

And, for the last time,
I am not searching

your little Jackie
for the key.

Oh, but she really
wants to meet you.

Jackie, I have 15 minutes
to get to my wedding.

Oh, I feel a little woozy.

Maybe I shouldn't have
had nine beers

when I'm on
so many anti-psychotics.

Whoa.

Jackie, no!
Bad girl!

I do.

¶¶

¶¶

Oh, my God,
where is Luke?

We have three minutes.

He's going
to show up.

I know he's going to show up.

I'll bet
my real ear on it.

It's so nice to have
everything out in the open.

Something must've happened.

He wouldn't miss this.

I'm here!

Roy!

Why would you scream "I'm here,"
if we're waiting for Luke?

I just wanted to make sure
you knew where I was.

'Cause I'm taking the pictures.

Lizzy,
if this marriage license

isn't signed in 2 1/2 minutes,
I'm gone.

Okay, sissy, you're
really running out of time.

What's plan "B"?

Honey,
that's the plan you use

if plan "A" doesn't work out.

You don't get to talk anymore.

You have 55 seconds,
and this is riveting.

What're you gonna do?

Yeah,
what's she gonna do?

Yeah, Lizzy,
what am I gonna do?

You're gonna marry me.

What?

I don't know where Luke is,
but he's my best friend,

and I know
it would break his heart

if you had to leave,
so I'll marry you.

You'd do that for us?

For me?

Because there have
been times when I thought

maybe you didn't really like me.

You're not wrong.

I don't always like you,
but I have kind of grown to...

...love you.

No.

Lizzy, we'd have to stay
legally married for like--

Okay, look,
don't talk me out of it.

All I know is I am not letting
another fish die on my watch.

Much respect,
Rodney Dangerfish.

Marry us.

Okay.

You know, I think it was
Walt Whitman who said that--

Look, we only have 30 seconds,
let's skip the Whitman.

Do you Prudence Banks
take--

What-- what's your name?
Lizzy Fisher.

Take Lizzy Fisher to be
your lawfully wedded wife

for richer or poorer
in sickness and in health

till death do you part?

I do.

I do, too.

By the power vested in me,
by the state of California,

I now pronounce you
wife and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

That's okay.

¶¶

You guys make
a really cute fake couple.

Lizzy, can you just smile
and maybe stop slouching?

Nag, nag, nag.

Prudence, I'm here,
let's get married.

What took you so long?

This looney tune
handcuffed herself to me.

I had to roll her three miles,

and I lost her
on a few corners.

And please don't ask
where the key is.

Oh, you don't need a key.

Wow, how did you...?

Maybe there's a few more
things I need to tell you.

Okay, let's do this.

Uh, darling, um,
it's too late.

No, you're gonna
be deported?

Oh, our wife
is not going anywhere.

I'm sorry, "our" wife?

Dude, my sister
married your wife.

Yeah, man, I think Lizzy
might be your mom now.

Lizzy just gay married me

so I could stay here
with you.

Yep, that's why
we fought so hard.

Thank you.

You gay married her for me?

Okay, it's not "gay married,"
it's just "married."

I mean I'm wearing shoes,
not "gay" shoes.

Well...

Yeah, those are
totally gay shoes

I've got a really good angle.

She really is your best friend.

She's kinda mine, too.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Excuse me?

¶¶

Anyway...