Original subtitles

Hi, darling! A present! From me to you.

What am I supposed to do with 241 of these containers?

Can't you sell them at the salon?

How can you tell how many there are?

Easy. Just calculate the pyramidal number.

I bet it's accurate.

One, two, three...

- It's for me. - ...nine, ten...

- Mivea. - What?

It's all made in the same factory. Just like Rolex and Trollex.

A lot of factories make their own knock-offs.

- Want one? - No thanks.

No thanks? This is premium merchandise.

I'll prove it. Out of my way.

Stop.

- Fons, damn you. - Come on, man.

- You made me lose count. - Imbecile.

I'll need approval from Sabine at the salon, Fons.

Can you believe this?

Look, a 2-euro can opener.

Ordered online yesterday, delivered today.

Such a wonderful website.

Mega discounts, free delivery and they sell everything.

- Tell me you didn't buy everything... - Of course not, darling.

Just the essentials.

Look, toilet roll holder with a USB port.

A cute discounted fondue set.

A toilet roll holder with a USB port?

Amazing, right?

NEW TEXAS

Hi, I'm looking for a stylist for my wedding this week.

It would be for my mother and me. Sorry, I know it's short notice.

- No problem. - Really?

Awesome, thanks. You're a lifesaver. My name is Anja.

- Nur. - Thanks a lot.

Have a seat.

- Thank you. - Let's have a look.

There.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

- Didn't you go to St Agatha school? - Yes.

I think we had maths class together.

Yeah! We had that jerk with the moustache.

Debruyn.

- How gay was he? - So gay.

"Everyone get your diary.

"Tomorrow we'll have a test on Pythagoras' theorem.

"For your school reports."

The chemistry teacher was the worst, though. Very acidic.

What was her name again? Westermaal or something.

- She also had a moustache. - Good afternoon.

Nur.

- Mrs Wester... - Westermans.

- So you still remember my name? - Time flies.

Great that you have your own business.

I didn't see that in you.

Well, the business isn't mine, but I do most of the work.

Ah, yes. Society needs people like that too.

They can't all be as educated as Anja.

On to business, how much will this cost Anja and me?

Confirming the price, I mean... concerning.

50 euros for manicure, 50 for makeup,

100 for the haircut...

And for an additional 15 euros I can do a trial run beforehand.

So, in total that's 250... No, hold on.

255, no.

You mean 215.

Here is my counter-offer.

The trial is free, and I get a 10% discount.

That would match the deal I had with my last stylist.

She was first class.

Do we have a deal? Then let's get going.

- Yes. - OK.

Yeah.

It's the way things are, one person has the brains

and the other treats the hands of the person with the brains.

That's just how it goes.

My Armani.

You really haven't changed a single bit.

Mrs Westermans was at the salon. The bitch who taught chemistry.

Just when I'd got her out of my head, she turns up for her kid's wedding.

She treats me like I'm an idiot.

Don't let it get to you.

- And then I screwed up. - So she won't be coming back.

Acts like I'm mentally challenged.

Good for menial tasks, or rather, good enough.

I'd never do that to my toddlers.

One's good at finger painting, another at poking,

but I love them all equally.

This is Nur.

Mrs Westermans.

Retake the exam?

You couldn't find anyone else.

Tomorrow?

- No, we're closed. - We're closed tomorrow.

Make an exception?

But, then we...

At my place?

OK, see you then.

A makeup exam... bitch.

Eight out of ten.

That's good, right?

I failed eight out of ten classes.

Spons, seriously...

You need to have your report card signed and brought to school.

Crap, I have six failed classes. Dad will kill me.

Not if Stan signs.

And why would I help you? I have a good report.

But you failed PE, kid.

You know how important sports is to Dad.

So?

If Dad sees our school reports, he'll want to see yours too.

We want to spare you the humiliation.

Get it, kid?

OK.

VHS tapes?

James Bond, all of them.

I had to buy them all twice, but you can sell these in no time.

Who's your favourite Bond? Mine is Sean Connery.

We don't even have a VCR.

So cute.

It's a radio for the bathroom.

I hope this isn't the soap.

It's a premium selection of luxury cheeses for the fondue.

The fondue set is useless without them.

- Gross, what's this? - Oh, this is...

Époisses de Bourgogne, Napoleon's favourite cheese.

In Paris, you can't take the bus with this cheese.

Hey, I'm expecting customers soon.

Honey, is this really such a great idea?

Darling, please. It's just a few trinkets.

I've got everything under control.

Drama queen.

I'll bring the Mivea, if Sabine would like me to.

No.

I see.

What's all this about? Is it because of that old cow?

I can deflate her tyres, if you like.

Maybe decapitate her little dog?

No. I'll show her what I'm capable of.

Come on.

Whatever. Make yourself scarce.

What a huge place! Your husband must bring home a lot.

You can't buy something like this just by painting nails.

No.

The furnishing looks ancient though.

Those lace drapes have seen better days.

The flaky ceiling looks rather quaint.

Not bad, but those strings on the sides are awful.

Very pedestrian.

- I think it looks nice. - Honey, it doesn't suit you.

Could you try this on?

What does your husband do for a living?

He's a businessman. Import, export, selling products.

What type of products?

Too many to count.

You don't even know what your own husband is selling?

What an odd relationship.

Now I don't want to interfere, but it won't last.

We've been together for a very long time.

From this angle, it seems like the strands could be a plus.

Can you redo that part?

Nice haircut.

Thanks.

- Have we met? - No.

- Are you sure? - Hundred percent.

Nur.

- What? - Does she happen to have a twin?

Not that I'm aware of.

Well, she really looks like a girl I met last week.

That's freaky.

How drunk were you?

Blind drunk...

Well, there you go.

- Sorry to keep you waiting. - That's OK.

Hi, this is Anja.

- Hello? - Hello.

Wrong number.

It looks very nice, I'm happy.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Wait a minute. Weren't you going to redo the strands?

If you seriously think I'm paying you for a rush job...

You haven't changed a bit.

- She just left. - Oh my...

And...

Yes.

Yes, Mr Vrancken.

And their reports obviously speak for themselves.

- They already have their reports? - Yes.

Which adds forgery of documents to the list.

Look, Mr Vrancken. Here is a quick summary:

making a toilet bowl explode.

Sawing through the leg of a teacher's chair,

leaving him unable to work for 2 days.

Coating all the classroom door knobs in glue.

The list goes on.

All right.

Mr Vrancken, they're like a bunch of terrorists.

- Terrorists? - Well...

Do I really need to tell you,

their upbringing is largely to blame.

- Is that so, mate? - Yes.

You take that back,

or I'll show you who's the terrorist, got it?

Your debit card. Now.

600 euros! 600 euros spent on absolute garbage.

We're getting the inheritance soon and you're already digging us a new hole.

It wasn't 600 euros. 100 at most, and it's not garbage.

Oh, no?

Then what do you call this?

Not even Fons would come home with this. Come on.

Funny that you of all people would order a piggy bank.

600 euros.

I had a dream about that Anja.

You need Irena if you want fresh sheets.

Hey. Come on...

Some light has been shed on my blackout.

That mini-skirt of hers,

and her tongue rolling around during my set.

That's why they call it a turntable!

It's a sign I've seen her again before she gets married.

She's getting married. I think that's the sign.

Oh, my God.

Thank you. This will be the ultimate revenge.

What are you up to?

Didn't you want to get revenge on her mother?

Collateral damage, knowledge is power.

Mrs Westermans, good morning. This is Nur.

I'm calling you because I had this brilliant idea this morning

for an amazing new style.

For you, I mean. It's the most important day of her life

and I was thinking the mother of the bride should be glowing.

See you at 2pm? OK, see you soon.

Listen, Anja didn't do anything wrong, did she?

Well, if Anja has loose lips, my lips won't remain quiet either.

I'm doing this for you too.

If she doesn't get married...

Oh, thanks Nur. That's really... touching.

There he is.

Stan, shut up.

Evening, gentlemen.

I just got back from parents' evening.

I've seen your school reports.

Fons.

Look, you may think I'm angry.

But that's not the case.

I swear.

I didn't enjoy school either.

I talked to the principal, and from tomorrow on, you can stop going.

- Awesome. - Really?

Starting tomorrow, you can join me at the factory.

Normally, this isn't allowed, but I talked to the boss.

Two colleagues died last week while working on the conveyor belt,

so we could really use some new people to crawl under the machinery.

Now go to bed, because you'll have to get up at 4am tomorrow.

Dad, wait.

If you don't mind, I'd prefer to go to school instead.

- I swear I'll do my best. - Me too.

- Me too. - So will I.

I'm very curious about this new style.

So am I. I wonder how it will look on you.

So, how is Anja?

Excellent. She has such a wonderful fiancé.

She's really going through with this, isn't she?

Ruining two lives, for the sake of revenge.

Three, Stan. Mine as well.

If Anja finds out about this...

But... if I tell her right now,

she'll know I'm not involved in this.

Yeah. Hang on.

Anja, this is Peter. Hold on, don't hang up.

Nur wants to tell your mother everything.

About how we kissed.

Wait, we did that too?

Nice!

No, I didn't tell her about that.

In case your wedding fails, please know I had nothing to do with it.

And I wanted to ask you...

Are you crying?

Oh no, I can't.

Is she ready to take the big step?

It's a major change, after all.

She was properly raised.

According to traditional Catholic values, right?

Evidently.

- Like hypocrisy and... - Hairspray.

- All right. - Stan will take it from here.

I'm Nur's assistant.

Listen, Nur.

This is the sound of Anja's heart shattering into pieces.

Hey, why aren't you on my side?

We are on your side. Just don't lower yourself to Wilma's level.

Please, Nur. You're better than this.

Miles better. You're Tiësto and she's... Jimmy B.

If you do this, you're no better than her.

You guys are insufferable.

- That's what I came all this way for? - It's a big improvement, isn't it?

Nur, do you have any idea of all the things I still need to do?

I'm sorry, Mrs Westermans. I was just trying to help.

Dear Nur, just as before,

I'm going to have to fail you for this.

Wait.

Wait, wait.

Your secret is safe with me.

With us.

So are you doing anything tonight?

I knew you weren't like that.

Hello?

What the fuck?

Door knobs, 20 door knobs. An error, she said.

Who buys 20 door knobs?

I hope she didn't order 20 doors as well.

It's a good thing I confiscated her card.

Honey, did you order this?

A cassette player, a foldable cheese cover and 48 scented candles.

- Is that under my name? - Yes.

- Lucky break. - She stole my card.

I need that money back.

Typical shopaholic behaviour, just like all 'holics.

First they sneak around,

and when they get desperate that's when they start stealing.

- It's not like I can lock her up. - No, Jan.

The only thing left to try is shock therapy.

Spare Anja, because she has nothing to do with this.

The mafia would never have become so widespread with that playbook.

We're not in Sicily.

I know.

- So does she have a dog? - Fons, please.

What?

- What is this doing here? - I haven't had time to ask properly.

You just have to rub it in.

I'm getting the feeling you don't have a lot of faith in the product.

There we go.

I'm telling you.

Tomorrow we'll see a reborn Fons.

- A reborn Fons? - That's right, a new Fons.

You'll see.

Don't complain if I can't get the ladies to leave me alone.

Try getting me to leave you alone.

NEW TEXAS

There's a package here for you.

4,395 euros worth of packages.

We went down to the cellar. It looks like Ali Baba's cave.

Mice traps, 85 euros. Back scratchers, 23.25 euros.

Five toilet seats, 50 euros each.

Five toilet seats! How much do you think we crap?

Who's been sitting on these to make them so pricey? You're nuts.

You know I can get these much cheaper.

New ones, too.

Kato's debit card has been maxed out. We can't afford this.

I just thought it would be useful.

Useful?

A WiFi rubber duck with built-in USB radio?

I don't know what this thing is...

Then I click on it, and on something else

and then I throw all of them into the shopping basket.

And I buy them.

Then the delivery guy shows up, and I get this...

warm feeling inside.

From the delivery guy?

From these deals, because...

Irena, everything needs to go.

Everything.

Please.

It's either that or a bailiff.

What if he takes the house, when it's not even ours yet?

Irena.

Sorry.

Thanks, Nur.

For everything you've done.

And not done.

Yes.

So you managed to succeed on the first try after all.

Depends on how you define succeeding.

As long as you don't raise the bar too high.

For you, the bar is extra high, Mrs Westermans.

- I see. - Enjoy.

Today will be unforgettable.

Guys, we need to be like a well-oiled machine.

If not, we won't be able to maximise profits.

Kato, you take care of the garden furniture. That also needs to go.

Darling.

That seems like a shame, because I was thinking of...

No, it's OK. It's fine.

There, perfect.

Yeah, Jan, it seemed like a good time to get rid of it.

Peter!

Seriously, man.

Sorry, Fons. That one was for you, you, you.

- Put it with the rest. - Really?

OK.

See you tomorrow, right?

No... This was the last time.

I'll miss you.

This was such a wonderful time.

- Yes, wonderful. - Thank you, bye.

You have to help me.

Everyone was staring at me.

Wasn't that the point?

As the mother of the bride,

not as some monster.

You probably had an allergic reaction from the stress.

Sit down.

There. The final pink piggy bank is for this lady here.

- Honey, will you care of this? - Yes.

Peter, get this lady a bag, will you? Thanks.

Sir, I'm sure you're dying to give this radio duck to your wife.

She'll be thrilled.

Darling, don't forget to add a free Mivea.

Peter, fetch another bag. This man is buying the radio duck.

And you're getting some free Mivea.

Everything must go, people.

See, if you put some effort into it, you do get results.

But don't get too cocky.

Maybe I can still make the first dance.

OK, just this once.

But subtle, please, no Mivea nonsense.

What does subtle even mean?

Don't you regret what you did?

I relished every second of it.

I mean, not going to college.

- Why? - I don't know. I was just wondering.

Do you think I would have met Fons at college?

Besides, I love doing this. I'm brilliant at it.

You don't need a degree to feel smart,

and I don't need makeup to feel pretty.

The first is spot on, the second one is bullshit.

The Mivea sold out and all the rubbish next to it is gone.

I would like to announce: 119 euros profit, that's right.

Oh my. Time to party.

Come on!

Fons, Fons.

Thanks.

Hey, Anja. This is Peter.

I know you're married and everything,

and I wish you all the best.

A lot of luck, a lot of babies, and a lot of great sex.

OK, that last bit is of course private.

What I'm trying to say is: Anja...

this final song is for you.

I love you, I love you

- I love you, baby. - I love you too.

Thanks for the Mivea. Such an excellent product.

I love you.

Give me a kiss