Original subtitles

Eva.

Hello.

- What are you doing here? - My car is playing up.

Oh, well. Then you've come to the right place.

Goodness! How long has it been?

- Years. - You look fantastic.

- Are you trying to chat me up? - No, no.

I'm hopeless at that anyway.

I'm pretty shy. Remember?

So...

Do you fancy...?

What?

Maybe grabbing a bite to eat and catching up?

Yes, OK.

- Tonight? - OK.

- About 7pm, my place? - Yes.

Here are the keys.

- Yes, but we said my place, right? - Yes, but what about my car?

Oh, yeah.

NEW TEXAS

Damn it.

Bloody sign.

2,500...

Goddammit.

Someone extra for dinner? No problem, Peter.

I've changed your sheets. Lucky you!

What do you think, a week?

- Let's not get carried away. - 2 days.

It would be nice if he finally met the one.

Might make him grow up a bit.

- And then she could do his washing. - Yes, and his washing up.

Unless she's some sort of princess.

Yes, but princesses don't go for "Peters".

Snack break.

Have you hurt yourself?

Oh! Are you OK?

Top quality, I'm guessing.

Well, everything has its limits.

Are you saying I'm fat?

I'm sure there was something wrong with the fabric.

- It could have happened to anyone. - But it happened to me.

I'm just a fat cow.

No, you aren't.

Calf.

Wait.

That's bad.

Everything all right?

Ask me again in 20 kilos.

- But, dumpling. - Dumpling?

Big, fat, heavy dumpling. That's what I am!

Dump...

Oh, God. All of a sudden I weigh 100 kilos.

It's my dad's fault. It's genetic.

Yes. That's for me!

- Hello. - Hey, Eva.

- I've got a surprise. - You didn't have to.

I mean...

I couldn't get a babysitter.

- Is that OK? - Yes, of course.

What a lovely little boy. Come in.

Thanks. That was delicious, Irma.

- It's Irena. - Oh, sorry.

Sorry, I didn't know. When Peter asked me, I thought...

Otherwise, I would have brought more wine.

- No worries. - Don't be silly.

Yeah, look...

- How do you two know each other? - We had a thing.

During the 2008 European Championship. During a break.

France - Italy.

- 2-0. - Yes.

- Pirlo's penalty in the left corner. - That's right.

- It was 7 years ago. - Yeah.

- You spilt beer over me. - No.

I couldn't think straight when I saw you.

There can't have been a lot of thinking going on.

Not a lot...

- So what do you do? - I'm a social worker.

- But really I'd like to travel. - No! Me too.

- Since when? - Since... Well, for quite a while.

- Maybe we should do it together. - Yeah.

I did say I didn't want dessert.

- Are you on a diet or something? - Yes.

Is that because of the thing...?

Never mind, doesn't matter.

- Not even a little bit? - I said no.

I'd better watch out too. Before you know it, you're the size of a whale.

Stop exaggerating. If you're a whale, then Irena is a...

Oh well, more for us.

You do know that eating less doesn't mean you'll lose weight?

- What? - Your metabolism just slows down.

- How can I speed it up again? - Fitness.

That's what I used to think. But these days I can't do without it.

Why don't you join me? We can motivate each other.

Yeah.

You're tired, aren't you?

I think we'd better get going. I need to get Arne to bed.

It was a lovely evening. Thank you.

I'll go with them.

- Bye. - Bye.

I suppose she's the love of his life, again?

Didn't your dad ever meet anyone in all these years?

Come on.

No, Fons.

Come on, young Fons. Stop that.

Will you just leave Peter alone?

- Hello. - Ah, hi.

Here, for you and your sons.

Homemade. I hope they'll enjoy it.

- Looks lovely. - Thank you.

- The cake, I mean. - Yes.

I mean... you too.

Thanks.

She's here.

OK. Phase 1: Spons and I will distract in section A.

Phase 2: you slip into section B,

and sprinkle the cake with... cayenne pepper.

- And tabasco. - OK, man. Go.

Oh, wait.

- Don't leave any traces. - OK.

Come on, go.

Scum!

Sonja. Sonja!

Sonja!

She's the woman of my dreams.

How many dream women have you got? Twenty?

No, ten.

What am I supposed to do if they don't get it?

It must be a sign, Eva turning up in my life again.

I can't believe I've known the woman of my dreams for 7 years already.

7 years?

- And Arne is 6? - Yes.

- Hey, hang on a moment. - No, surely not...

Yes.

- I can't get my head around it. - Want me to draw you a picture?

Peter...

- Arne is mine? - He could be.

But that means I'm a dad.

Amazing!

Arne is a great kid. Don't you think?

Baby.

I'd like a kid too.

All right, whatever. Who wouldn't?

You've got plenty of time but my clock is ticking.

I don't want to be some old mum.

I want to be able to go shopping with my daughter

and for the sales assistant to ask if we're sisters.

Daughter?

Oh, darling. Take it easy. All in good time.

We've got time.

How about we get in a bit of practice tonight?

Come on, fitness time!

Get those legs up. Time to lose those kilos.

- No! - Don't you want to lose weight?

Come off it. It's Saturday!

- Just 10 more minutes. - No, come on.

Can't you talk about this downstairs? I'm trying to sleep.

Why don't you support your wife for once?

- She could do with a push. - A push?

There's your push.

- Damn it. - Come on!

- A bit of honey. - No, that'll make you fat.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

You have to keep your metabolism balanced.

What's that? It's not for us, is it?

No, no.

Breakfast isn't just the most important meal, it's the tastiest too.

You leave that there.

You sit there. Irena needs to learn self-control.

She needs the guts to keep going. The only way's up, apart from your weight.

Good going, sweetie. I'm behind you.

Have I just walked into an '80s music video?

What's that?

Isn't that a bit much?

You'd be shocked what you can do with a bit of willpower.

Spit that out! I saw you.

Irena, do you want me to see

if I can get hold of some of those Chinese diet pills for you?

- I've got a mate who can get them. - None of that.

- Are you trying to poison my wife? - Or René?

That's it. René, of course.

Another mate of mine does plastic surgery.

He does it sort of part-time.

Maybe I can get you some liposuction.

- No, thanks. - But he'd do a discount.

The price, I mean. You'd lose the fat anyway.

No one is getting their dirty fingers on my dumpling's body.

Go, go.

Come on.

- Twerk it, girls. - Hey, that one's mine.

As a young father, I'm not looking at other girls.

Young father?

I'm going to ask Arne and Eva to move in here.

Arne needs a stable environment.

Shouldn't you ask if Arne is yours first?

Who else's would he be?

The same lovely hair, that enthusiasm and that Vranckens character.

We've inherited a house, and she suddenly turns up!

- Eva isn't like that. - It's a strange coincidence.

Women are like magpies. They've got their eyes on shiny things.

7 years ago, it was your training and now it's our house.

I'll prove to you that Eva isn't interested in the house.

If my family aren't welcome, then I'll move in with her.

Would you prefer that?

Peter.

No! Don't move in with her. Understand?

Shit.

- My darlings. - How's the car?

Good, don't worry about it, it's all fine.

Eva.

Listen, I'm not going to beat around the bush

or ruin your fingers, but...

Will you marry me?

Peter, you can't just... You need to do these things step by step.

But we've got 7 years to catch up on.

I'm really happy that I bumped into you.

Me too. I've loved bumping into you.

- And Arne. - Yes?

You can DJ at the wedding reception.

- Cool! - Hey, high five.

Mum, can I stay and play with Peter?

That's great that you want to stay and play with me. Good, eh?

- Is that all right? - Of course.

Come on, feel the burn?

Yes, yes.

Come on, girl.

Come on, girl.

Burn those calories. Yes, come on.

Come on, Irena. I want to see you sweat.

Come on, up.

What do you want to be when you grow up, Arne?

A policeman.

A policeman?

- Not a musician or something? - No.

- Or a footballer? - No, I want to catch bad guys.

You don't want anything on your bread?

No.

- Not even some Parma ham? - No.

- Olives? - No.

Grab the ball. Put it on your foot.

Then you just kick, kick, kick.

Try it.

Yeah...

Doesn't look like you can do it.

You did it, girl.

I'd take a shower if I were you, bit of deodorant, you know.

Come on, off to the bathroom. One, two, three...

Was the workout a success?

I feel like a knackered old grandma.

And for nothing, I haven't lost a single gram.

Oh sweetie, never mind.

Nibbling like a rabbit.

You don't need to worry about all this keep fit stuff.

Curvy women are real women. And really sexy.

There's more for the same price.

Darling... I broke a chair.

No, I just don't have the energy for it any more.

That tiramisu is for tonight.

Ah, the young father.

- Can I borrow some colouring pencils? - Of course, they're upstairs.

You're going to do some colouring in?

We were going to play pick up sticks.

But maybe that's a better idea. Do you know the weird thing?

He wants to be a policeman and he can't play football.

Well, that's a bit...

- problematic. - Yes, it is.

Peter, I'm pretty different from you too.

That's true.

With all your drawing and things...

But it's tough, your own flesh and blood being so different from you.

Well, Stan, we have to accept our kids the way they are.

Yes.

I'm going upstairs. Arne is on his own.

You OK, Jenny?

- OK? - I think I've used the wrong recipe.

- Pepper always works. - Yeah.

I'll get it right next time.

- I'm happy you're here. - Phase 2.

Really. It was a lovely day.

- Can I just nip to the toilet? - Of course.

Scum!

I'm never setting foot inside that house again.

And don't stand there laughing! Do something about your kids!

Come on, go inside.

Come on.

Tasty?

I'll call him to make an appointment. OK?

Fons, how dare you send me to a vet?

- A vet... - Yes, a vet!

A vet, yes.

Well, that vet is better qualified than most doctors.

My God, you're unbelievable!

- Unbelievable... - What's wrong?

This guy here sent me to a vet.

- You! - Yes.

- I'm not a cow! - No you're not. They eat grass.

Madam here has scoffed a whole bowl of tiramisu.

I've been bending over backwards for you.

What about me?

Do you know how much effort goes into making a tiramisu?

You know what I mean.

All right, sorry. OK?

I can't do it. I'm too weak.

No need to blow up over it all of a sudden.

- Blow up... - Well, fat.

What's wrong with a good vet?

It'll take more than a few metal pins and screws in my back

to get rid of me.

I will personally make sure your life is a living hell.

Scum.

- Do you guys know Cruella de Vil? - Yes.

- Well, I'm worse. - Much worse!

- Shit. - What was that?

Hey, guys.

- Peter! You got it on tape? - Brilliant!

...make sure your life is a living hell.

- Hello. - Hey.

- You OK? Wow, this looks good. - Yeah.

- What are you guys doing? - Drawing.

Look, Mum, this is me and that's Peter, that's...

- Mum. - No.

That's my dad.

What? But I don't have black hair, Arne?

But my dad does.

- Yes, but I'm your dad. - Sorry, what?

Hang on.

Are you going to lie to the child?

- Where are you getting this from? - Wait.

OK, I wasn't there while he was growing up.

So I guess it's not that strange

that he doesn't like Parma ham and he can't play football.

- That he wants to be a cop. - Peter.

Hang on.

You turning up after 7 years with my kid is one thing.

But trying to tell him that someone else is his dad...

- I just can't understand it. - But Peter...

This music is stupid. Really stupid.

- That's Tiësto. - Then Tiësto is stupid music.

Tiësto is stupid? How can you possibly think that?

Peter, Arne is not your child.

Peter, don't let it get you down.

Surely it's not impossible that I'm Arne's dad.

- They might have deceived me. - Come on.

The most important thing is there's no Eva in our house.

Fatherhood shouldn't be taken lightly.

And now you'll have more time for your music, won't you?

If only I hadn't gone to that game,

I never would have had all this misery.

That was a fantastic match, Milan - Liverpool.

What are you talking about? Milan - Liverpool, that's not right.

- Oh, yeah. That's not right. - No, it can't be.

Milan - Liverpool, wasn't that the final in... 2007?

- The Champions League. - Yes.

- Why? - That was a year earlier.

- Then Arne couldn't be yours. - How come?

A pregnancy only lasts 9 months.

- 9 months. - Yep, 9 months.

So...

Eva was right.

That explains why Arne can't play football.

I should call Arne. He'll be confused.

Well done, Peter. Typical Peter.

Anyway, we're free of the magpie. Money grabber.

Is there... some dessert or anything?

No dessert.

I'd like everyone to support Irena at this difficult time.

I don't want everyone going without because of me.

But we'd be happy to, Irena.

We can have healthy desserts, like fruit salad.

Irena, I'm so proud of you.

Dessert and healthy, that just doesn't go together.

Before you know it, there'll be a scoop of ice cream,

cream, chocolate, rum, raisins, a bit of cake on top.

- We're not going to do that, OK? - No.

And I've got a reward for you, in the bedroom.

A reward?

In the bedroom?

Not a word, OK?

You were after something healthy?

What's the matter?

Close your eyes.

Come on.

Now open them.

Are you trying to tease me?

No, this is for you because you've been so strong.

- The others don't have to know. - What about my weight?

Your weight?

You have a gorgeous body, sweetie.

Come on, you...

Your curves and...

Your eyes. Venus de Milo has got nothing on you.

- You're just saying that. - No, I'm not.

That's why I fell in love with you.

You're perfect just as you are.

Steam boat?

- Hey. Your car is ready. - Great.

Why don't you get in?

I want to make it up to you.

- Me too. - Sorry. I got carried away.

Actually, I confused you with another football match.

OK, but I wanted to say sorry too, because...

You were great with Arne, Peter.

And, I mean... Arne's real dad is an idiot.

So...

Oh, I don't know. Sorry.

No, it doesn't matter.

But you know, it hurts, losing your kid.

It cuts you up inside.

It wasn't my best moment...

Do you think there could still be something between us?

No.

I don't have feelings for you any more. You?

No.

My heart's not really in it any more.

You could be a sort of uncle.

I mean, you could come round and see Arne and...

- You know? - Uncle?

- Me? - Yes.

- Uncle Peter? - Yeah.

Yes. I love that.

- For Arne. - Yeah.

Oh, my God. Yes, yes!

Uncle Peter. Fantastic!

Oh, my God.

Jan, I've lost 100g.

I've done it!

Better double check.

Oh, darling!

Steam boat time.

Time to sail out, captain!

Captain?