All language subtitles for Marty Feldman funny movie 1970 720p

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:53,885 "Like a mighty army"... 2 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:58,097 ..."Moved the Church of God." 3 00:00:58,642 --> 00:01:02,807 "Brothers, we are treading"... 4 00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:07,561 "...Where the saints have trod." 5 00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:12,188 "We are not divided"... 6 00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:16,446 ..."All one body we." 7 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:20,950 "One in hope and doctrine"... 8 00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:26,000 ..."One in charity." 9 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:30,456 "Onward Christian Soldiers"... 10 00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:34,000 ..."Marching as to war." 11 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:39,306 "With the cross of Jesus"... 12 00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:44,136 ..."Going on before." 13 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:48,941 One basket... 14 00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:50,812 ...had very good figs. 15 00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:52,903 But the other basket... 16 00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,188 ...had very naughty figs. 17 00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:57,531 Then, said the Lord unto me... 18 00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,985 ..."What seest thou, Jeremiah?" 19 00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,992 And I said: "Figs." 20 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,038 My friends... 21 00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:10,124 ...for my sermon today, I have chosen the subject of sex. 22 00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:15,717 The other day, a friend said to me... 23 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,260 ..."Geoff, old chum"... 24 00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:22,348 ..."Is there too much sex around these days?" 25 00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:24,718 "Especially on the television?" 26 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,057 Well, my answer... 27 00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:28,356 ...is "Yes." 28 00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:32,604 Oh, I would be the first to agree that sex... 29 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:36,320 ...in its proper context is a beautiful and ennobling thing. 30 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,357 But, in its proper context. 31 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,158 And that does not mean... 32 00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:43,611 ...when it is thrust at us for commercial gain. 33 00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:46,623 Thrust at us, in ever-increasing quantities... 34 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:49,166 ...by the muck-mongers of the mass media. 35 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:51,168 The time has come for us... 36 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:54,544 ...to call a halt to this moral erosion. 37 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:59,218 To join a crusade for better, cleaner television. 38 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:00,513 That crusade... 39 00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:05,638 ...is the England Clean, England Strong Society. 40 00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:06,596 Hmmph. 41 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:17,399 "Every home should have one." 42 00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:21,366 "Every home should have one." 43 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:25,904 "Every home should have one, Every home should have one." 44 00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:29,373 "Every home should have one. Cool as mountain dew." 45 00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:33,370 "Smooth and swift and super-emollient. Instant, special new!" 46 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,379 "Plastic free gifts have to be given"... 47 00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:37,464 ..."Free!" 48 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,425 "Satisfaction certificated"... 49 00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,260 ..."Polyvinyl chromium-plated." 50 00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:43,261 "Every home should have one"... 51 00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,172 ..."In a monster size." 52 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,994 "Sun-ripe, sunkissed, sun-blessed and bottled"... 53 00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:48,429 ..."Super grand surprise." 54 00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:52,188 "Brown and bronzed and bleached with a guarantee." 55 00:03:52,357 --> 00:04:00,026 "Every home should have one." 56 00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:04,492 "Fresher, cleaner, lighter, bigger, better, brighter"... 57 00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:06,493 "Sparkling white, and whiter"... 58 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,954 ..."Full of every vitamin"... 59 00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:12,618 ..."That you will ever hope to see." 60 00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:27,757 "Every home should have one, Just like mother made"... 61 00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:32,020 ..."Silky, sexy, super-deodorous, Tested by the trade." 62 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:35,849 "Go to work on this and you'll walk on air." 63 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,229 "Spread so smooth and easy to wear and wash"... 64 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,922 ..."It's something that you can share in." 65 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:43,735 "Every home should have one, Gives a well-sprung rest." 66 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:47,409 "High-grade, high-speed, high-definition, Bigger, better, best!" 67 00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:51,114 "Unrepeatable offer of country fare!" 68 00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:58,710 "Every home should have one." 69 00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:03,338 "Fresher, cleaner, lighter, bigger, better, brighter"... 70 00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:07,547 ..."Sparkling white, and whiter! "Full of every vitamin"... 71 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:12,477 ..."That you will ever hope to see!" 72 00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,049 Ooh! 73 00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:53,769 Oh..! 74 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:58,939 Oh! 75 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,158 I'm Whizzy, the Alka Vita Kid! 76 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,327 Feeling unwell? Stomach upsets getting you down? 77 00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:20,629 You tell, em, kid. 78 00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:23,081 "I clean your liver through and through." 79 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,128 "That's the job I do for you." 80 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:27,133 "See it sparkle, see it fizz!" 81 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,971 "Alka Vita is a whizz." 82 00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:38,517 "For sparkling teeth and tingly gums"... 83 00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:41,974 ..."Use Chlorodent!" 84 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:51,360 "And remember, Chlorodent gives you that HALO OF HYGIENE!" 85 00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:55,933 You said you were going to finish that Saturday night. 86 00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:56,993 Had to watch TV. 87 00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,700 "Had to"? A man came in and forced you at the point of a gun? 88 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,702 You and Dad were out, so Hildegarde said... 89 00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:04,456 Hildegard's altogether too easy-going with you. 90 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,550 Dad seeing them again? 91 00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:11,258 That'll be the Jolly Dandruff Giant. 92 00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:14,807 I don't like the Jolly Dandruff Giant. He's a silly old ponce. 93 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:17,186 What did you say? 94 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:19,220 Morning, Rich. 95 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,018 Morning, Dad. 96 00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,854 Just tell your father what you just said. 97 00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:27,691 I said I think the Jolly Dandruff Giant is a silly old ponce. 98 00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:29,943 - That's interesting, isn't it? - Mmm. 99 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,678 We've got a very good identification with the, er... 100 00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:34,568 - ...fourteen to fifteen age group... - No, the word he used. 101 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,616 - Do you approve? - Hmm? Um... 102 00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,497 ...no! Certainly not. 103 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,910 Richard - never let me hear you use that word again. 104 00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:43,915 Policemen say it. 105 00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:46,877 You've never heard a policeman say that! 106 00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:49,508 I did, on a TV play on Saturday night. 107 00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,218 Then when the girl came in, they sai... 108 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,713 No one wants to hear. Get on with your cornflakes. 109 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,214 I'll have a chat with Hildegarde. 110 00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:56,642 Hildegarde. 111 00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,185 Hildegarde! 112 00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:01,853 HILDEGARDE! 113 00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:03,855 My baby?! 114 00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:06,559 Richard? I don't believe it! 115 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:09,062 From the fathers I expect this sort of thing. 116 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,567 But from the sons, it's too much. 117 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,320 Goodbye, Mrs Brown! 118 00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:53,235 You're late. 119 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:57,118 Because it's McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge, dear. 120 00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:01,414 Is that why it's so smooth and creamy? 121 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:02,750 Yes, dear. 122 00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:05,701 McLaughlin's is made from the pick of the oats. 123 00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,996 Come on - eat up! 124 00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:12,212 He LOVES his frozen McLaughlin's, bless him. 125 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:15,127 Take a tip from wee Angus. 126 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:18,173 McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge builds bonnie bairns! 127 00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:22,260 "Yes, bonnie boys and bonnie girls"... 128 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:25,555 ..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge." 129 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,655 You want a considered opinion? 130 00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:37,493 YUCH! 131 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:39,660 "Y-U-C-H"? 132 00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:40,704 Precisely. 133 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,530 And underlined! 134 00:09:42,791 --> 00:09:44,032 What went wrong, Nat? 135 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,747 Oh, it's, uh... er, excuse me. 136 00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,336 Frank, a merchandising error... 137 00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:52,422 Teddy - what did I do wrong? 138 00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:55,172 You forgot to research the socio-economic profile. 139 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,901 - Socio-economic? - ... their board, and their head office. 140 00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,006 You see... 141 00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:04,803 ...er, Teddy forgot to research the socio-economic profile. 142 00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:05,389 Teddy? 143 00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:07,855 My graphics man - wonderful young fellow... 144 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,934 - ...oh, he is so... - Pure Victorian sentimentality. 145 00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:17,236 But Frank, the "love equals frozen porridge" angle! 146 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,240 We won the prize for that one, Frank. 147 00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:21,910 The brand-identification factor is up to seventy-three. 148 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,537 I'll go along with that, Frank. 149 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:24,997 - Hang on! - Nat... 150 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:26,998 ...you have fallen down, on a big one. 151 00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:28,792 McLaughlin's not just one account. 152 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,161 He's a commercial empire. 153 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,291 Um... ooh. 154 00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:32,963 Well, I keep telling that to Teddy. 155 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,424 He can tell you. Teddy, will you tell 'em, please? 156 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,130 Motivational research gave us a... 157 00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,489 ...survey in depth, Frank. 158 00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:39,594 Mother love is IN. 159 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,158 I go along with that thinking, too, Frank. 160 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:42,827 He goes along with that thinking, too, Frank. 161 00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:45,013 A McLaughlin campaign has to be important. 162 00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:46,386 Impact, Charles. 163 00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,332 - Now, you... play with that sales report. - Teddy, for Pete's sake... 164 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:51,690 ...say something. I am pleading with you to say something. 165 00:10:57,115 --> 00:11:00,449 - Morning, Jenny. - Morning, Mr Brown. 166 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,576 Inject a dignity factor. 167 00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,532 - Yes, we can give it more dignity. - Mmm. 168 00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:06,038 Erm, uh, giveaway campaign. 169 00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:09,333 Free plastic, uh... what are those funny things Scotties are always wearing? 170 00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:10,913 Oh, they're what we call "sporrans". 171 00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:12,703 Aye, free plastic sporrans! 172 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:15,372 We lose McLaughlin, we lose more than agency revenue. 173 00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,667 Don't you know his latest factory was opened by royalty? 174 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,822 - "Royalty equals mother love." - Terribly sorry. 175 00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:20,802 There's a chance... 176 00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,260 ...the McLaughlin conglomerate... McLoughlin foundation. 177 00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,883 Sporrans? 178 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,978 What's your view? 179 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,310 - I... - I agree entirely. 180 00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,141 - It stinks. - Uh..? 181 00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:38,355 The campaign as at present conceptualised... stinks. 182 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:43,241 And he, he is the only one with the... 183 00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:44,610 ...with the insight... 184 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,991 ...the, the insight, and the guts, to... 185 00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:50,325 ..to... Hmm. Who is he? 186 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:54,211 Well, he's one of my boys. He's on my team, Frank. 187 00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:55,921 His name is Teddy Brown. 188 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,962 He's a product of the old Nat Kaplan Nursery... 189 00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:01,502 ...and I am grooming him personally, Frank. 190 00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:03,758 - Nat, you're hurting me. - Oh. 191 00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:04,801 Then, Brown... 192 00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,553 ...an honest appraisal of the campaign. 193 00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:09,351 Give it to me straight. Where do you think we went wrong? 194 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:13,431 Tell him. Tell him where we went wrong, huh? 195 00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:14,894 Well, um... 196 00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:16,893 ...fundamentally... 197 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,777 - ...we were... - Yes, yes? 198 00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:20,612 The mistake we made was, you see... 199 00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:25,113 - ...er, selling porridge... - A-ha! Ah? Ha, ha, right! 200 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,703 Right? Oh, he hit the nail right on the head! Oh, gee... 201 00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:32,955 ...this good old genius, old Teddy, bay-bee! I know what's on your mind! 202 00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:35,870 - You do? - Oh, ho! The classical error... 203 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:38,756 ...we disobeyed Principle Number One. 204 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,759 You don't sell the steak; you sell the sizzle. 205 00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:45,259 Now it's getting exciting. How it's beginning to feel good! 206 00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:47,973 That one creative leap. 207 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,807 All right, Brown. 208 00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:54,812 Set up your team. 209 00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,854 You don't take the ball from the man on top of it. 210 00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:00,314 The new McLaughlin campaign... 211 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,988 ...from now on: it's your baby. 212 00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:06,195 - It's not funny, it's disgusting. - It's just a hobby. 213 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:07,572 Collecting girls' knickers? 214 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,236 All the chaps in our form are. 215 00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,572 You see nothing wrong in collecting strange knickers... 216 00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:13,328 ...and pressing them in your stamp album? 217 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,330 - Well, it was on television. - What was? 218 00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:16,786 The play about this old man. 219 00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:20,130 - He went round clothes lines, stealing knickers. - I don't want to hear! 220 00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,319 Goodness knows what your father will think. 221 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,892 - Ready? - No. I came up with the... 222 00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:33,476 - ...art department... - Stop being a child! 223 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:34,540 I'm not being a child. Look, I've never... 224 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,542 ...handled a whole campaign on my own before, that's all. 225 00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:38,774 That's ridiculous. Believe me. Trust me. 226 00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,608 - Nat, I... - That really hurts a man. 227 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,566 - Are you ready to order, gentlemen? - Look, I'll handle this, Teddy. 228 00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:46,573 I'll, er, I'll have my usual, Mario. 229 00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:49,702 My name is Arthur, sir. I don't know what your usual is. 230 00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:52,613 Oh. Well, then... 231 00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:55,328 ...I'll have a little caviare, I think, and, uh... 232 00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:57,618 ...and we'll follow that with some oysters, I think. 233 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,957 Some oysters? Yes, sir. Half a dozen? A dozen? 234 00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,539 Er, nine. 235 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,050 Nine? 236 00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:04,925 A dozen is so pushy. 237 00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:06,261 Nine. 238 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,882 - Each? - No, no. No, erm, uh... 239 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,965 ...I'll just have a... small macaroni cheese, I think. 240 00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,262 - Macaroni? - Ta. Grazi. 241 00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:16,474 I come here a lot. The grooviest people in the whole world... 242 00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:19,307 ...showbusiness, writers, photographers... 243 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,687 ...it's not easy to become a member, let me tell you. 244 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:23,693 Hello, baby! 245 00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:25,695 Oh, hi. 246 00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:27,610 Saw the show. Loved it. 247 00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:29,615 Loved it! 248 00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:33,120 - Know her? - Know her? 249 00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,490 - Ah, come here, come here. - What? What? What? 250 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:39,084 What did he mean, "Loved the show"? 251 00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:40,414 What show? 252 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,673 Like a rattlesnake. 253 00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:48,336 - Shew! - But, Teddy, Teddy, believe me... 254 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:51,972 ...one of the nicest, most genuine people in showbusiness. 255 00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:56,344 - Nat, about this McLaughlin's campaign... - Hi, Susie! 256 00:14:57,688 --> 00:15:00,931 Oh... hi! Excuse me, darling, it's work. 257 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,608 Nat, darling, you're very, very naughty. 258 00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:09,760 You never called me back about that dog-food commercial. 259 00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:11,821 Ah, I'm sorry, honey, but you know how it is. 260 00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:14,828 Nepotism in the office. They decided to use a dog. 261 00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:16,829 - Mmm-hmm. - Keep in touch, huh? 262 00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,911 - Okay. Bye. - Mmm-hmm. 263 00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,332 A moth to my flame, poor thing. 264 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,622 Ha! Power! 265 00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:27,211 Nat... 266 00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,210 ...d'you really... 267 00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:31,966 Aren't you married? I mean, don't you feel guilty? 268 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,468 Yes. 269 00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:37,267 But, y'see... I have this wonderful understanding with my wife. 270 00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:39,563 She doesn't know. 271 00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:43,410 - Nat, look, about this porridge... - She's still in the States, see. 272 00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,525 I'm fixing up a house so she can come over. 273 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,694 But you know how long these things can take. 274 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,859 - If you play your cards right. - Yeah. 275 00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:52,031 Er, Nat, about the porridge. 276 00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:55,702 Ah... sex is a strange and wonderful thing. 277 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,696 Yeah... so's porridge. 278 00:15:58,583 --> 00:15:59,869 Look, Nat... 279 00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,251 Wait a minute. 280 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,587 - Did you say "porridge"? - What? 281 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:07,831 - Sex and porridge. - What?! 282 00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:10,797 - Sex and Porridge! - What are you talking about, Nat? 283 00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,256 Imagine... 284 00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:15,677 ...selling porridge... with a sex image! 285 00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:19,469 Oh, Teddy, this is new. 286 00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:22,392 And this is our first plus - and it's good. 287 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,393 Oh, is it good! 288 00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:27,435 And all the time I thought you were a little weirdo! 289 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,444 Hey, Nat, do you really think it'll work? 290 00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:31,317 Work? Listen, kid... 291 00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:33,778 ...this campaign has to be ready in two weeks, yeah? 292 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,656 All right. You've got just fourteen days, hear me? 293 00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:39,409 Fourteen days to do nothing... 294 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,411 ...think nothing, but sex, yeah? 295 00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:42,662 Sex. 296 00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:46,374 Sex. 297 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:48,630 Sir? 298 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:50,047 Make mine oysters. 299 00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:57,799 "Think dirty." 300 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,434 "Think dirty." 301 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,691 "Ah-ah." 302 00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:13,313 "Think dirty." 303 00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:15,323 "Dirty." 304 00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:26,410 "Think dirty." 305 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:30,039 "Think dirty." 306 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:53,126 "Think dirty." 307 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,128 - I'm home, Liz. - LOOK! 308 00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:57,029 Hey, great, but I've got some work to do first... 309 00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:58,294 - They're Hidegarde's! - What..? 310 00:18:58,346 --> 00:19:00,303 She left this morning. 311 00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:02,931 - We, we can post them on to her..? - She left... 312 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:06,264 ...because your son, Richard, took these from her. 313 00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:08,888 - While she was wearing them? - No! 314 00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:10,896 He was keeping them in his stamp album! 315 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:12,484 Where? 316 00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:15,023 Between Morocco and Mozambique. 317 00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,146 Richard. Um... 318 00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:21,908 ...Mummy said that, er... you got the idea from, er... 319 00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:22,783 ...watching TV. 320 00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:26,204 Yeah. It was a play called, er... "The Fetish". 321 00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:29,412 Er, do, do you know what a fetish is, Richard? 322 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,410 Greville says it's a kind of hobby. 323 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,874 He... y-yes, yes, yes, I suppose it's a... 324 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,043 ...kind of hobby. I mean, look, you see... 325 00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:39,051 ...collecting knickers is an unhealthy hobby, because... 326 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:41,553 ...it's involved with sex. 327 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,839 You know what sex is, don't you, Richard? 328 00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:46,300 Oh, sure. What's "involved" mean? 329 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,302 Well, Richard, you see... 330 00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:50,265 ...y'see, a woman's body... 331 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,602 ...sh-should be respected. 332 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,933 We respect Clarke's sister's body. 333 00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:56,522 All the chaps in the Club do. 334 00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,228 She can touch her ears with her toes. 335 00:19:58,322 --> 00:19:59,654 She's double-jointed. 336 00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:01,526 Y-yes, yes, yes... 337 00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:03,737 ...but, now, you see, that's not the kind of... 338 00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:05,277 ...respect I had in mind. 339 00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:07,905 No. Er, still, I don't want to confuse you. 340 00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:09,907 That's enough for today, but, um... 341 00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,951 ...if there's anything you're still not clear on... 342 00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:13,623 ...I mean, please feel free to, uh... 343 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,830 - I don't think so. - Good. 344 00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:17,835 Oh, yes. 345 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:19,551 What? 346 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:20,967 What is a ponce? 347 00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:22,429 Ah. 348 00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:24,004 Ahh. 349 00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,014 I... 350 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:29,259 ...I think I can hear your mother calling, Richard, I... 351 00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:31,351 - She probably wants to get you at it. - She what..? 352 00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,479 There's a whole crowd coming tonight. 353 00:20:36,026 --> 00:20:38,609 'Ere, you tryin' to slag my bloody bird? 354 00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:40,028 Get bloody knotted! 355 00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:43,023 But this is madness. I mean, all these people - I mean... 356 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,803 ...talk about fetching a sledgehammer to crack a nut. 357 00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:46,284 Yes, well, I've been proved right. 358 00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:48,703 We've seen it in our own home, with our own child. 359 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,489 Well, I, I, I talked to Richard. 360 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,519 I talked to him. There's nothing wrong in what he did. 361 00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,034 I did far worse things at his age. 362 00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,543 I was filthy! 363 00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,291 He's still being corrupted. 364 00:20:57,381 --> 00:21:00,124 It is our duty to help prevent that corruption from proliferating. 365 00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:01,796 Look, Liz, I've got work to do. 366 00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,801 Do you realise I've been put in sole charge of... 367 00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,678 Ooh! 368 00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,613 C'mon, then, darlin'. 369 00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:25,944 - Oh, stop it, Ern. - Why? 370 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,368 - Well, not 'ere. - Why not? 371 00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:30,696 - Well, people might see. - People? 372 00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:32,809 ... the people! 373 00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:38,875 I'd just like to get that boy into my Scout troop. 374 00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:42,749 Most of the gang have a bang Saturday. 375 00:21:42,885 --> 00:21:45,002 I mean, what else is there to bloody do? 376 00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:47,011 It's not for stirring your tea with! 377 00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:51,053 Let's face it - we're all the same. 378 00:21:51,101 --> 00:21:53,058 We're all randy bastards. 379 00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:54,890 Did you get that one, Maud? 380 00:21:54,939 --> 00:21:57,272 - Yes, which column? - "Bastard", dear. 381 00:21:57,483 --> 00:22:00,317 That's fifteen "bloodys" and five "bastards". 382 00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:02,019 I only counted four. 383 00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:04,314 There were five - don't you remember, at the beginning? 384 00:22:04,365 --> 00:22:05,981 That was "bedstead". 385 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:08,567 Oh. Thank you, Daddy. 386 00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:11,077 I wondered what a "brass bastard" was. 387 00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:15,077 Well, I suppose that's some kind of symbolism. 388 00:22:23,425 --> 00:22:28,011 "Think dirty, ah-ah"... 389 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:30,012 I think he loves me. 390 00:22:30,307 --> 00:22:32,799 Well, he fancies me, anyway. 391 00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:36,808 Still, I suppose we will get married one day. 392 00:22:37,398 --> 00:22:39,198 Only we can't at the moment. 393 00:22:39,233 --> 00:22:41,233 We're saving up for the abortion. 394 00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:44,950 Stuff marriage for a lark. 395 00:22:45,447 --> 00:22:48,567 Everyone goes on about love, the vicar and Dad, an' that. 396 00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:51,236 I don't know anythin' about love. 397 00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:52,806 But I know what I like. 398 00:22:52,830 --> 00:22:55,243 He likes McLaughlin's porridge! 399 00:22:55,499 --> 00:22:57,957 Remember, McLaughlin's porridge... 400 00:22:58,002 --> 00:23:00,961 ...and you, too, can be a randy bastard. 401 00:23:01,463 --> 00:23:06,254 Statistics show nine out of ten randy bastards prefer McLaughlin's. 402 00:23:06,343 --> 00:23:07,903 I think that speaks for itself. 403 00:23:07,970 --> 00:23:09,086 Very nasty. 404 00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:10,966 - The director's sight must... - Disgusting. 405 00:23:11,015 --> 00:23:12,881 And I only hope the Queen wasn't watching. 406 00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:15,971 Oh, I shouldn't think so, darling. There's showjumping on the other channel. 407 00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:17,935 I didn't think it was very... healthy. 408 00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:19,645 - Did you, Teddy? - No, no. 409 00:23:19,690 --> 00:23:21,022 Never is. Not on a rubbish dump. 410 00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:23,378 - I mean, it's cold enough to freeze... - Erm, there's plenty of tea for anyone... 411 00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:25,894 - ...who fancies it. - Thank you, Liz. 412 00:23:26,447 --> 00:23:29,440 Now, Mr Brown, I don't think you've really met everybody. 413 00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:31,733 - Er, Arthur and Hetty. - Hullo, Arthur... 414 00:23:31,994 --> 00:23:33,951 - ...Hetty. - Leonard, his daughter, Maud. 415 00:23:33,954 --> 00:23:34,819 Hello, Leonard and his daughter Maud. 416 00:23:34,872 --> 00:23:36,704 Er, Colonel Belper. 417 00:23:36,957 --> 00:23:38,823 - Our, er, militant. - How d'you do. 418 00:23:38,876 --> 00:23:40,083 - Hello, militant. - And, er... 419 00:23:40,127 --> 00:23:42,039 ...I hope you'll call me Geoff... 420 00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:43,087 ...old chum. 421 00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:46,214 Hello, Geoff... old chum. 422 00:23:47,217 --> 00:23:49,880 Look, I think we've got to move immediately on this one. 423 00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:52,212 Degrading and un-English. Right? 424 00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:53,505 - Rather. - Ah, super. 425 00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:56,722 Erm, I think that's the feeling of the meeting. And I think we should also... 426 00:23:56,769 --> 00:24:01,889 ...bear down on the sex-before-marriage emphasis. 427 00:24:02,691 --> 00:24:03,898 Agreed, Liz? 428 00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:08,737 Oh, well, yes, I don't think that should be... encouraged. 429 00:24:09,031 --> 00:24:12,820 Right. Then, "Degrading and un-English sex before marriage" it is. 430 00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:14,822 - Will you call Trufitt? - Mmm-hmm. 431 00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:25,999 - May I? - Oh. 432 00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:28,168 Be my guest. 433 00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:32,589 - Who are you calling, the Vatican? - Our MP. 434 00:24:32,721 --> 00:24:34,587 Good chap. Right behind us. 435 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,723 Our vice-president. Maud... 436 00:24:36,976 --> 00:24:40,811 - ...the usual letter to the BBC Board of Governors. - Certainly, Colonel. 437 00:24:41,105 --> 00:24:42,892 And the Archbishop; and The Times. 438 00:24:43,023 --> 00:24:44,889 That's your department, Arthur and Hetty. 439 00:24:45,693 --> 00:24:48,436 You see? It's a question of organisation. 440 00:24:48,654 --> 00:24:52,443 Making the voice of decency and normality heard. 441 00:24:53,659 --> 00:24:54,659 Mellish here. 442 00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:56,609 England Clean, England Strong. 443 00:24:56,745 --> 00:25:00,864 Yes. Now, look, it's about that effort on the television tonight. 444 00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:05,460 Yes, the moral fibre of our island race... yes, yes, I know the form, yes. 445 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:10,628 Oh, don't worry. I shall come down heavily on pre-marital intercourse. 446 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:12,760 Oh, goodnight. 447 00:25:14,388 --> 00:25:15,388 Now... 448 00:25:15,889 --> 00:25:17,255 ...where were we, Elvira? 449 00:25:17,391 --> 00:25:20,429 My name's Janine, Mr Trufitt, sir. 450 00:25:21,311 --> 00:25:23,143 Well, don't let split hairs. 451 00:25:24,189 --> 00:25:25,396 He fancies you, you know? 452 00:25:25,816 --> 00:25:27,398 - Who? - Geoff. 453 00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:30,067 That long, thin streak of holy water. 454 00:25:30,487 --> 00:25:32,069 Oh, Teddy, he's a priest. 455 00:25:32,281 --> 00:25:34,022 So was Rasputin. 456 00:25:34,074 --> 00:25:36,031 Just because he's masculine and... 457 00:25:36,076 --> 00:25:38,614 ...the athletic type, and those nice, white teeth. 458 00:25:39,580 --> 00:25:40,616 What did you say? 459 00:25:41,081 --> 00:25:43,994 Never mind. I'll, er... tick it off on Maud's list. 460 00:25:44,209 --> 00:25:45,996 Tick 'em both off, they come in pairs. 461 00:25:46,503 --> 00:25:47,943 You didn't like any of them, did you? 462 00:25:48,005 --> 00:25:51,169 Well, they're not exactly the "fun people". I mean... 463 00:25:51,341 --> 00:25:53,778 - ...if you really want to know what I think, Liz... - It doesn't matter what we think of them... 464 00:25:53,802 --> 00:25:57,091 ...personally. It's what they're trying to do that's important. 465 00:25:57,848 --> 00:25:58,884 Important? 466 00:26:00,392 --> 00:26:02,884 Are those the... sacred writings? 467 00:26:04,063 --> 00:26:07,602 It's the Society's petition. I've promised to get fifty signatures for it. 468 00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:12,690 "We, the undersigned, are increasingly disturbed by the amount of programmes on television"... 469 00:26:12,863 --> 00:26:15,401 ..."whose tendencies are licentious, salacious"... 470 00:26:15,574 --> 00:26:18,157 ..."blasphemous, lascivious and purient." 471 00:26:18,285 --> 00:26:19,651 Prurient. 472 00:26:21,538 --> 00:26:22,538 So it is. 473 00:26:22,998 --> 00:26:24,739 "Prurient". What's it mean? 474 00:26:25,209 --> 00:26:27,970 I dunno. You're the one that's collecting fifty signatures against it. 475 00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:36,626 - Do we even know fifty people? - You don't have to. 476 00:26:36,762 --> 00:26:38,719 I'm going to canvas from door to door. 477 00:26:39,014 --> 00:26:40,014 Ooh-hoo. Door to door. 478 00:26:42,476 --> 00:26:43,887 Liz, Liz. 479 00:26:49,024 --> 00:26:51,232 'Ow about a slice of the ol' prurient then, eh, darlin'? 480 00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:53,630 Eh? 'Ow about it, now, darlin'? 'Ow about a slice of the... 481 00:26:53,654 --> 00:26:55,611 - Teddy! - Fancy a bit of the prurient? 482 00:26:55,864 --> 00:26:57,605 No, not... not... 483 00:26:57,658 --> 00:26:59,240 Not tonight. 484 00:27:02,538 --> 00:27:03,538 Tired? 485 00:27:03,872 --> 00:27:05,909 No, it's not that, it's... 486 00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:08,832 If we're going to do this thing properly, darling... 487 00:27:09,711 --> 00:27:11,623 ...I think... well... 488 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,463 ...I think it's got to be reflected from within ourselves... 489 00:27:15,217 --> 00:27:16,217 ..as well. 490 00:27:16,260 --> 00:27:18,001 - I mean... - Look, love, it... 491 00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:20,549 It's pre-marital they're talking about. 492 00:27:21,056 --> 00:27:24,470 Pre-marital. I mean, post-marital is all right. Fine. Lovely. 493 00:27:25,102 --> 00:27:26,468 Even the Queen does that! 494 00:27:32,025 --> 00:27:35,268 "Think dirty." 495 00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:42,946 "Think dirty." 496 00:28:32,336 --> 00:28:33,336 Ooh! 497 00:28:38,175 --> 00:28:40,713 "Think dirty." 498 00:28:42,179 --> 00:28:45,422 "Think dirty." 499 00:28:52,439 --> 00:28:54,647 "In the mountains of Macedonia"... 500 00:28:54,775 --> 00:28:57,688 ..."where porridge is the staple diet of the picturesque"... 501 00:28:57,778 --> 00:29:01,397 ..."nomad tribes, it's not unusual for virility"... 502 00:29:01,406 --> 00:29:03,944 ..."to continue to a ripe old age." 503 00:29:04,201 --> 00:29:05,942 "What Macedonia can do"... 504 00:29:06,119 --> 00:29:08,327 ..."McLaughlin's has done better." 505 00:29:08,872 --> 00:29:13,037 "Yes, bonnie girls and bonnie boys"... 506 00:29:13,126 --> 00:29:19,544 ..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge." 507 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:25,256 All right, Frank, hit me. 508 00:29:27,391 --> 00:29:30,225 What I read in that - and correct me if I'm off-beam... 509 00:29:30,394 --> 00:29:32,977 ...the general motivational concept that I detected there... 510 00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:36,227 ...deduced - intuited, perhaps - was... 511 00:29:36,316 --> 00:29:38,649 ...and don't hesitate to shoot me down if I'm wrong... 512 00:29:40,070 --> 00:29:41,070 ...sex? 513 00:29:41,947 --> 00:29:45,486 Teddy... Teddy, what can you do with a guy like this, huh? 514 00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:47,358 I dunno. You work. 515 00:29:47,577 --> 00:29:49,990 You research. You conceptualise. 516 00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:51,991 And, pow! He walks in... 517 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,453 ...and lands smack dab in the middle of the target. 518 00:29:54,501 --> 00:29:56,959 Was it, was it really so obvious, Frank? 519 00:29:57,254 --> 00:30:00,918 - I mean, would the great mass of ordinary people..? - No, no. 520 00:30:01,008 --> 00:30:02,544 No, I don't think THEY would. 521 00:30:02,968 --> 00:30:04,834 I just happen to have this... 522 00:30:05,304 --> 00:30:06,715 So you like it, huh? 523 00:30:07,389 --> 00:30:09,051 Well, in principle. 524 00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:11,883 Sex as a function for rationalising the... 525 00:30:11,977 --> 00:30:14,060 ...frozen porridge-buying mechanism, yes. 526 00:30:14,438 --> 00:30:16,771 That has got a visionary quality. 527 00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:19,603 - Thank you. - But, specifically, not enough yoomph. 528 00:30:19,901 --> 00:30:22,109 - Not enough..? - Yoomph. 529 00:30:22,279 --> 00:30:23,736 - Y-double-O-M-P-H. - Yes, yes. 530 00:30:23,905 --> 00:30:26,113 And I use the word in its testicular sense. 531 00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:26,734 Ah. 532 00:30:27,034 --> 00:30:29,321 What we need is that - but more. 533 00:30:29,494 --> 00:30:31,326 You understand? An equivalent... 534 00:30:31,663 --> 00:30:32,904 ...but superior. 535 00:30:33,290 --> 00:30:35,282 Are you getting all this, Teddy? It's invaluable. 536 00:30:35,459 --> 00:30:38,952 Yeah, look, Mr Chandler, I think maybe you've got the wrong guy for the job. 537 00:30:39,296 --> 00:30:40,958 Nat! You assured me. 538 00:30:41,340 --> 00:30:42,956 "Wrong guy for the job"!? 539 00:30:42,966 --> 00:30:47,301 He's kidding you, he's putting you... 540 00:30:47,429 --> 00:30:49,295 Aren't they all the same, Frank? 541 00:30:49,806 --> 00:30:52,298 I mean, these really ballsy ones, huh? 542 00:30:52,476 --> 00:30:54,934 I mean, your true studs. 543 00:30:55,187 --> 00:30:59,602 The strange diffidence. I'm tellin' ya, this kid reminds me so much of me... 544 00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,308 ...it's... and may I say it, Frank... 545 00:31:04,237 --> 00:31:05,237 ...of you. 546 00:31:05,989 --> 00:31:07,776 And she just walked out on you? 547 00:31:08,575 --> 00:31:11,864 Mrs Brown, I'm sorry, you'll have to elaborate. I don't like mysteries. 548 00:31:12,162 --> 00:31:14,199 It's not a mystery, it was just... 549 00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:15,829 ...a misunderstanding. 550 00:31:15,957 --> 00:31:20,076 Mrs Levin, I was recommended to you by the mother of one of my son's school friends. 551 00:31:20,337 --> 00:31:21,337 Mrs Rubens. 552 00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:23,538 Oh, Mrs Rubens! 553 00:31:23,673 --> 00:31:26,131 Such a nice woman. A lady. 554 00:31:26,218 --> 00:31:28,961 And her husband a dentist. What a clever man. 555 00:31:29,012 --> 00:31:31,470 I wouldn't put my teeth in anybody else's hands. 556 00:31:31,807 --> 00:31:35,175 So... particulars, please. 557 00:31:35,352 --> 00:31:37,912 - Well, the sort of girl I'm looking fo... - If you don't mind... 558 00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:40,388 ...not about her - you. 559 00:31:41,191 --> 00:31:45,026 I have to be very careful the sort of homes my au pair girls go into. 560 00:31:45,404 --> 00:31:47,566 What part, for instance, are you living? 561 00:31:47,739 --> 00:31:48,946 Florian Avenue. 562 00:31:49,449 --> 00:31:50,449 I know it. 563 00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:54,243 Quite pleasant. Not marvellous, but if you're happy... 564 00:31:54,621 --> 00:31:56,578 For myself, I prefer Loxley Way. 565 00:31:57,249 --> 00:31:59,081 - Bedrooms? - Of course. 566 00:31:59,459 --> 00:32:01,075 - How many? - Four. 567 00:32:01,962 --> 00:32:03,373 Plus the girl's? 568 00:32:04,631 --> 00:32:05,917 Including the girl's. 569 00:32:06,675 --> 00:32:08,416 And her quarters are comfortable? 570 00:32:08,677 --> 00:32:11,886 Oh, well, it's not exactly "quarters". A quarter. 571 00:32:13,598 --> 00:32:14,598 A bedroom. 572 00:32:15,225 --> 00:32:18,309 And, and we've only got one child, Richard. He's eleven, but... 573 00:32:18,478 --> 00:32:20,219 - ...really no trouble. - Only one child? 574 00:32:20,272 --> 00:32:22,730 Tell me, more you don't want or you can't manage? 575 00:32:23,525 --> 00:32:25,608 We manage very nicely. 576 00:32:25,861 --> 00:32:27,853 I have to ask - you must understand. 577 00:32:28,447 --> 00:32:31,940 I do only a very superior type of girl from here. 578 00:32:32,284 --> 00:32:35,152 It's a responsibility, the right homes for them. 579 00:32:35,912 --> 00:32:36,912 Mrs Brown... 580 00:32:37,581 --> 00:32:41,325 ...if I was to tell you, you wouldn't believe. 581 00:32:41,877 --> 00:32:46,713 If you knew the type of situation an au pair girl can get herself into... 582 00:32:58,393 --> 00:33:00,851 GO AWAY! GET AWAY! 583 00:33:01,521 --> 00:33:02,807 NO! 584 00:33:04,191 --> 00:33:06,057 Leave me alone! 585 00:33:06,151 --> 00:33:08,063 Leave me! GET AWAY! 586 00:33:16,411 --> 00:33:20,701 "Think dirty." 587 00:33:27,214 --> 00:33:28,625 Not yet, Otto. 588 00:33:28,882 --> 00:33:31,295 I'll tell you when, my beauty. 589 00:33:33,011 --> 00:33:36,220 Back. Back. 590 00:33:46,024 --> 00:33:47,481 To your quarters. 591 00:33:57,827 --> 00:34:00,695 He's a brutish animal, my dear... 592 00:34:00,914 --> 00:34:02,655 ...but loyal. Come. 593 00:34:03,250 --> 00:34:04,250 Come... 594 00:34:04,334 --> 00:34:07,293 ...you can make an old vampire very happy, my dear. 595 00:34:07,379 --> 00:34:08,039 NO! 596 00:34:08,088 --> 00:34:10,330 Ah! You find me repulsive, do you? 597 00:34:11,132 --> 00:34:14,591 I've something here which'll soon make you change your mind. 598 00:34:21,351 --> 00:34:24,640 One taste of this and you'll be panting for me touch. 599 00:34:29,859 --> 00:34:34,149 McLaughlin's... the monster-sized family breakfast. 600 00:34:34,197 --> 00:34:35,197 Mmmmm. 601 00:34:35,824 --> 00:34:37,565 Bloody good! 602 00:34:41,121 --> 00:34:43,363 Think that's all we need. 603 00:34:45,584 --> 00:34:46,290 Hang on! 604 00:34:46,334 --> 00:34:48,291 What d'you think you're doing? 605 00:34:48,461 --> 00:34:50,077 I was just enjoying that. 606 00:34:51,381 --> 00:34:52,381 Enjoying? 607 00:34:52,549 --> 00:34:54,256 Don't be childish, Teddy! 608 00:34:54,342 --> 00:34:56,237 Wh-what you mean, "childish"? He was just about... 609 00:34:56,261 --> 00:34:58,253 It was just getting to the most exciting part. 610 00:34:59,472 --> 00:35:01,200 Why can't the Committee go and watch it at your house? 611 00:35:01,224 --> 00:35:04,024 I haven't got a set. Wouldn't have one of the damn things in the house. 612 00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:08,688 None of us has. Quite apart from the moral dangers, we do feel that it, er... 613 00:35:08,982 --> 00:35:10,564 ...kills the art of conversation. 614 00:35:10,984 --> 00:35:12,920 - Well, isn't that bloody marvellous, eh? - Teddy! 615 00:35:12,944 --> 00:35:14,984 No, no. that's all right. Do converse, by all means. 616 00:35:15,030 --> 00:35:16,737 I'll withdraw. Don't worry. 617 00:35:16,990 --> 00:35:19,357 Excuse me, old chum. 618 00:35:21,494 --> 00:35:22,154 Oh..! 619 00:35:22,203 --> 00:35:25,321 Right, then. Maud - the usual letter to the Archbishop. 620 00:35:25,749 --> 00:35:27,706 And this time, one to the Chief Rabbi, too. 621 00:35:27,792 --> 00:35:29,283 Might as well conscript the Yids. 622 00:35:29,336 --> 00:35:30,747 It shall be done, Colonel. 623 00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:33,875 Arthur, Hetty - Director General of the BBC... 624 00:35:33,923 --> 00:35:36,040 ...Postmaster General, House of Lords. 625 00:35:36,092 --> 00:35:38,049 - Mellish? - I'm onto it, old chum. 626 00:35:38,386 --> 00:35:40,093 What's the emphasis, then? 627 00:35:40,639 --> 00:35:43,598 - Sadism? - Outright sadistic ripping off of clothes... 628 00:35:43,725 --> 00:35:46,342 ...and exposing of flesh of a tied-up girl... 629 00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:48,310 ...struggling... 630 00:35:48,897 --> 00:35:50,308 ...quivering... 631 00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:52,310 ...helpless. 632 00:35:53,777 --> 00:35:54,563 Oh, hello. 633 00:35:54,778 --> 00:35:55,985 It's Mellish here. 634 00:35:56,863 --> 00:35:57,979 Salacious what? 635 00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:00,157 Oh. 636 00:36:00,742 --> 00:36:03,200 Well, yes, yes - of course it's serious, yes. 637 00:36:04,245 --> 00:36:05,326 No, no, no, don't worry. 638 00:36:05,914 --> 00:36:07,325 I know the drill. 639 00:36:09,334 --> 00:36:10,916 Oh, goodnight, goodnight. 640 00:36:14,089 --> 00:36:15,671 Sorry about that, Elvira. 641 00:36:16,091 --> 00:36:18,299 But my name's Rosie, Mr Trufitt. 642 00:36:18,510 --> 00:36:20,297 Oh, shut up. 643 00:36:21,429 --> 00:36:23,386 - You behaved disgustingly tonight. - Mmm-hmm. 644 00:36:23,765 --> 00:36:25,381 - It was quite unforgiveable. - Good. 645 00:36:25,475 --> 00:36:27,683 Everybody was extrememly embarrassed and upset. 646 00:36:27,769 --> 00:36:29,260 The evening hasn't been a dead loss. 647 00:36:30,980 --> 00:36:33,973 If films like that get an X-certificate at the cinema, how can they... 648 00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:36,337 ...possibly be shown on television, where there are children... 649 00:36:36,361 --> 00:36:37,772 For God's sake, Liz. 650 00:36:38,488 --> 00:36:40,946 They're just fairy tales. That's all horror films are. 651 00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:42,148 Children love 'em. 652 00:36:42,409 --> 00:36:44,526 I mean, it's like trying to censor Goldilocks. 653 00:36:44,786 --> 00:36:45,786 Well... 654 00:36:46,621 --> 00:36:47,782 ...as it happens... 655 00:36:48,081 --> 00:36:49,641 ...Leonard and Maud did publish a book. 656 00:36:50,041 --> 00:36:51,953 They called it "Revised Children's Stories". 657 00:36:52,252 --> 00:36:54,995 - Taking the doubtful elements out. - Out of Goldilocks!? 658 00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:56,912 I don't believe it! 659 00:36:58,591 --> 00:37:00,958 - I love it! - It's all very well to sneer. 660 00:37:01,428 --> 00:37:03,465 But when you think about Goldilocks... 661 00:37:06,433 --> 00:37:09,517 ...bed business... small girl... 662 00:37:09,602 --> 00:37:11,685 - Small girl. - ...even the very word. 663 00:37:12,439 --> 00:37:13,680 - "Bear". - "Bear"? 664 00:37:15,066 --> 00:37:17,729 Bed. Small girl. Animals. 665 00:37:18,570 --> 00:37:19,570 Small girl? 666 00:37:19,738 --> 00:37:20,738 Bed? 667 00:37:20,989 --> 00:37:21,989 Goldilocks. 668 00:37:22,866 --> 00:37:23,902 Goldilocks! 669 00:37:23,950 --> 00:37:28,570 "Goldilocks..." 670 00:37:29,581 --> 00:37:34,167 "Goldilocks." 671 00:37:34,961 --> 00:37:38,796 That's it! That's it! That's it! Ha, ha, ha! Goldilocks does it! 672 00:37:39,340 --> 00:37:41,457 Oh, she doesn't. 673 00:37:42,802 --> 00:37:46,421 Who's been eating my porridge? 674 00:37:48,308 --> 00:37:52,928 Who's been sitting in my chair? 675 00:37:54,647 --> 00:37:58,982 Who's been sleeping in my bed? 676 00:38:01,362 --> 00:38:04,901 It's GOLDILOCKS! 677 00:38:04,949 --> 00:38:06,690 That's it, Bernard, thank you. 678 00:38:09,037 --> 00:38:09,743 Well, now... 679 00:38:10,038 --> 00:38:13,907 ...that's the synopsis Literary Department did for us on the basic Goldilocks plot. 680 00:38:15,919 --> 00:38:17,330 I think it's lovely. 681 00:38:18,463 --> 00:38:20,045 Um... sure. 682 00:38:20,507 --> 00:38:23,716 Uh, however, Teddy here has had two psychiatrists and... 683 00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:26,503 ...four sexual researchers do a complete analysis on it. 684 00:38:26,679 --> 00:38:29,547 According to them, Frank, the story's fundamentally... filthy. 685 00:38:29,724 --> 00:38:30,805 Oh, no! 686 00:38:31,142 --> 00:38:33,537 - I never realised. - Well, why do you think that fairytale's... 687 00:38:33,561 --> 00:38:35,928 ...been around so long, Frank? Goldilocks is a hit. 688 00:38:36,189 --> 00:38:38,055 If you grub around in its erotic undertones. 689 00:38:38,107 --> 00:38:39,769 I mean, those bears are as kinky as hell. 690 00:38:39,901 --> 00:38:42,439 - Oh, they're not! - How about this for over-reaction. 691 00:38:42,529 --> 00:38:43,690 Need any more convincing? 692 00:38:43,822 --> 00:38:46,109 - I think we're on course! - You bet we are. 693 00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:48,945 And every word of my research confirms it. Teddy typed it up. 694 00:38:49,035 --> 00:38:52,153 Make something of Goldilocks, you're onto a sexual gold mine. 695 00:38:52,705 --> 00:38:53,705 Brown. 696 00:38:54,499 --> 00:38:55,910 All systems go. 697 00:38:56,251 --> 00:38:58,288 Laughlin's Porridge one, take eighteen. 698 00:38:59,754 --> 00:39:00,754 Action! 699 00:39:03,216 --> 00:39:05,629 Who's been eating my porridge? 700 00:39:07,887 --> 00:39:10,470 I 'ave, Goldilocks, an' it's great! 701 00:39:11,516 --> 00:39:12,516 Cut it! 702 00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:15,142 Well, what's the matter with that one? 703 00:39:15,395 --> 00:39:16,622 Fought it seemed quite natural. 704 00:39:16,646 --> 00:39:18,541 - Kill the red light. - What? 705 00:39:18,565 --> 00:39:20,306 Get another two. 706 00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:21,358 Get another two. 707 00:39:22,318 --> 00:39:24,685 Who's been eating my porridge? 708 00:39:24,863 --> 00:39:26,983 I have, Goldilocks, and it's great. 709 00:39:27,615 --> 00:39:28,615 Cut! 710 00:39:28,825 --> 00:39:30,745 What was wrong with that, sweet? Was I too butch? 711 00:39:31,119 --> 00:39:33,327 - Two bells a moment, please. - Teddy... 712 00:39:33,788 --> 00:39:35,780 ...get another two. 713 00:39:48,678 --> 00:39:51,967 Who's been eating my... porridge? 714 00:39:54,517 --> 00:39:56,179 I have, Goldilocks. 715 00:39:56,269 --> 00:40:01,640 - And it's great. - "Yes, bonnie girls and bonnie boys"... 716 00:40:01,983 --> 00:40:07,195 ..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge." 717 00:40:14,287 --> 00:40:15,528 Well, Mr McLaughlin? 718 00:40:21,377 --> 00:40:22,663 Uh, if I may... 719 00:40:27,008 --> 00:40:28,374 Let the wee fella tell me. 720 00:40:29,385 --> 00:40:30,385 Sure. Well... 721 00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:32,215 ...you see, it's, ah... 722 00:40:33,056 --> 00:40:35,298 ...Make Porridge Sexy. 723 00:40:37,310 --> 00:40:38,310 That, that's all. 724 00:40:40,396 --> 00:40:41,396 That's all. 725 00:40:41,940 --> 00:40:42,940 "Sexy". 726 00:40:43,566 --> 00:40:44,773 Mah porridge! 727 00:40:45,193 --> 00:40:46,775 Aye. 728 00:40:47,111 --> 00:40:48,111 Sexy?! 729 00:40:51,532 --> 00:40:52,532 These? 730 00:40:52,909 --> 00:40:55,822 They're about as sexy as the Loch Ness Monster. 731 00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:00,663 Wee man... 732 00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:03,242 ...I want a Goldilocks who's REAL sexy. 733 00:41:03,753 --> 00:41:07,838 I want a lass that'll scorch the sporran off a dead Highlander. 734 00:41:11,552 --> 00:41:12,821 Well, we could run a competition. 735 00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:15,132 - Competition? - A competiton, yes. 736 00:41:15,181 --> 00:41:18,845 - Yes, a nationwide competition! - Ah, ha, ha! Entry fee... 737 00:41:18,851 --> 00:41:20,968 - ...one McLaughlin's box top. - Twa. 738 00:41:20,979 --> 00:41:21,685 - Twa? - What?! 739 00:41:21,729 --> 00:41:23,561 - Two. - I... Oh, twa. 740 00:41:23,815 --> 00:41:26,273 - Yes. - Are YOU the McLaughlin's Goldilocks girl? 741 00:41:26,317 --> 00:41:28,045 We'll comb the whole of England. - Ah, ha, ha, ha! 742 00:41:28,069 --> 00:41:29,685 - Yeah! - What is he thinking? 743 00:41:29,737 --> 00:41:31,715 - United Kingdom. - The United Kingdom. Let me tell you what... 744 00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:34,447 ...in America, in America, it has to be oatmeal. 745 00:41:34,450 --> 00:41:36,442 It'll never sell if it's not oatmeal in America. 746 00:41:36,953 --> 00:41:39,616 - Please remember that. It's very important... - You. 747 00:41:39,706 --> 00:41:41,146 The wee one. Here. 748 00:41:42,208 --> 00:41:43,208 - Go. - Ooh. 749 00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:49,212 And mind, she's to be a bobby dazzler. 750 00:41:49,799 --> 00:41:50,799 Tall. 751 00:41:51,259 --> 00:41:52,500 Long legs. 752 00:41:52,885 --> 00:41:55,218 Long, long legs. 753 00:41:55,430 --> 00:41:59,219 Great, drowning eyes, a shine on her hair. 754 00:41:59,350 --> 00:42:01,307 And bosoms... 755 00:42:01,436 --> 00:42:05,976 ...bosoms that our wee friend here could get buried in. 756 00:42:11,863 --> 00:42:14,071 Inga Giltenburg of Stockholm. 757 00:42:14,574 --> 00:42:16,065 From Mrs Levin. 758 00:42:16,659 --> 00:42:17,659 "Giltenburg"? 759 00:42:18,995 --> 00:42:19,995 "Giltenburg"..? 760 00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:24,615 Mount Giltenburg. 761 00:42:27,545 --> 00:42:28,661 Brown... 762 00:42:29,130 --> 00:42:30,871 ...I said it would be madness... 763 00:42:30,965 --> 00:42:35,005 ...to try to mount the Giltenburg by the north route. 764 00:42:35,136 --> 00:42:39,471 Keep climbing, McLaughlin. But whatever you do... 765 00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:41,674 ...don't look down. 766 00:42:42,727 --> 00:42:44,810 I can't hang on, Brown. 767 00:42:44,854 --> 00:42:47,346 I'm slipping. Help! 768 00:42:47,899 --> 00:42:53,190 Heeelp!! 769 00:42:53,362 --> 00:42:58,198 Poor devil. Somehow, though, I think he'd like to have gone that way. 770 00:42:58,618 --> 00:43:00,325 C'mon, man, climb! 771 00:43:00,453 --> 00:43:02,490 CLIMB! 772 00:43:08,252 --> 00:43:11,211 - Why did we do it, Brown? Why? - Why? 773 00:43:11,255 --> 00:43:11,915 Why?! 774 00:43:12,006 --> 00:43:13,918 - Why? - Aye, why? 775 00:43:13,966 --> 00:43:16,504 Because... it was there! 776 00:43:24,018 --> 00:43:26,305 Come in. 777 00:43:26,813 --> 00:43:27,813 Come in. 778 00:43:31,025 --> 00:43:32,561 I hope she'll work out. 779 00:43:33,861 --> 00:43:35,272 Course she will. Why shouldn't she? 780 00:43:35,363 --> 00:43:38,197 Well, she's not exactly... demure. 781 00:43:38,991 --> 00:43:40,903 Hey, Dad - seen the new au pair? 782 00:43:41,035 --> 00:43:42,947 She's fantastic! What a dolly bird. 783 00:43:42,995 --> 00:43:43,735 Richard, eat. 784 00:43:43,913 --> 00:43:46,155 - Just wait till the Club hears about this! - Eat! 785 00:43:49,001 --> 00:43:52,165 - It's porridge. - Yeah. 786 00:43:52,505 --> 00:43:53,746 It's just porridge. 787 00:43:54,966 --> 00:43:56,002 "Just porridge"..? 788 00:43:56,717 --> 00:44:01,132 "Where is she?" 789 00:44:01,222 --> 00:44:02,241 Yes, where is she? 790 00:44:02,265 --> 00:44:05,258 Where's the lucky girl who's going to be McLaughlin's Miss Goldilocks? 791 00:44:05,518 --> 00:44:06,998 Miss Goldilocks could be your wife... 792 00:44:07,103 --> 00:44:08,956 ...your sister, your daughter, your sweetheart... 793 00:44:08,980 --> 00:44:10,187 ...or even the girl next door. 794 00:44:10,314 --> 00:44:12,806 As long as she's beautiful. Simply send us a photograph... 795 00:44:12,859 --> 00:44:16,398 ...along with two box tops from a packet of McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge... 796 00:44:16,445 --> 00:44:19,358 ...and help her win fame, fortune, the prizes of a lifetime. 797 00:44:19,615 --> 00:44:23,359 Remember, McLaughlin's is searching for... Miss Goldilocks! 798 00:44:25,329 --> 00:44:26,329 Ta, love. 799 00:44:26,372 --> 00:44:27,808 Hey, look, you didn't mind me coming up here... 800 00:44:27,832 --> 00:44:29,118 - ...to watch that..? - No, not at all. 801 00:44:29,125 --> 00:44:30,866 Ta. Only I've got... 802 00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,577 ...Mellish's rat pack downstairs again in my living room. 803 00:44:34,714 --> 00:44:35,795 Watching BBC Two. 804 00:44:36,716 --> 00:44:38,082 Oh, God. They're still at it. 805 00:44:38,467 --> 00:44:40,254 Sex in Samoa. 806 00:44:40,469 --> 00:44:42,381 Well, Maud, what's the score? 807 00:44:42,471 --> 00:44:44,383 Er, seventeen breasts. 808 00:44:44,515 --> 00:44:46,472 - Seventeen? - Pairs, I mean. 809 00:44:47,018 --> 00:44:48,930 - Eleven thighs. - Yes, yes. 810 00:44:48,978 --> 00:44:51,595 Fourteen lower abdomens. 811 00:44:51,856 --> 00:44:55,270 Six miscellaneous, and I couldn't keep track of the navels. 812 00:44:55,318 --> 00:44:58,686 - I think there were about thirty. - Thirty-seven, to be exact. 813 00:44:58,863 --> 00:45:02,402 It... er, at a rough guess. 814 00:45:02,783 --> 00:45:04,149 - Mellish? - Mmm. 815 00:45:04,202 --> 00:45:07,570 Before I telephone I think there's something else we ought to discuss. 816 00:45:07,705 --> 00:45:10,539 Our two delegates for the annual conference... 817 00:45:10,583 --> 00:45:11,164 - ...this year. - Oh! 818 00:45:11,209 --> 00:45:12,666 - Hear, hear! - Jolly good idea. 819 00:45:20,801 --> 00:45:22,417 Would you like a Swedish chocolate? 820 00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,133 Uh... n-n-no, no, thanks. 821 00:45:27,141 --> 00:45:28,141 Delicioius. 822 00:45:34,148 --> 00:45:35,980 - You do not like that one? - Oh, er... 823 00:45:36,108 --> 00:45:39,943 No, no! No, it's lov... lovely. It, it, it's a very good likeness. 824 00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:41,446 I, I, I imagine. 825 00:45:41,781 --> 00:45:45,866 - Ha, ha, I imagine it's a good likeness, ha, ha! - Is it because I am untired? 826 00:45:45,910 --> 00:45:48,118 Uh, er... "un-attired". 827 00:45:48,371 --> 00:45:52,240 Hmm. Only, erm, we don't go in much for that in England, you see. 828 00:45:52,750 --> 00:45:54,958 Over here, erm, nudity... 829 00:45:55,211 --> 00:45:56,952 ...stands for, um... 830 00:45:57,338 --> 00:45:58,338 ...sex. 831 00:45:58,714 --> 00:46:01,331 You mean here in England you stand for sex? 832 00:46:01,550 --> 00:46:03,712 Yee... nnuh... well... 833 00:46:03,886 --> 00:46:08,096 ...ah-haah... n-not always. 834 00:46:27,368 --> 00:46:31,362 The pleasures of disporting among the Swedish flora and fauna... 835 00:46:31,539 --> 00:46:35,408 ...have been extolled by every great Scandinavian poet... 836 00:46:35,459 --> 00:46:39,294 ...novelist, composer, and furniture designer. 837 00:46:39,588 --> 00:46:41,295 Such household names as... 838 00:46:41,340 --> 00:46:46,586 ...Bjorn Bjornemann, Gunnar Nyhammer, Bengt Jensen and Ole Klink... 839 00:46:46,679 --> 00:46:52,971 ..and Karl Rutscheggrige-Gronedeljaegerenalospienbrockbandehorle the Younger. 840 00:46:53,811 --> 00:46:57,475 All have sung praises to our verdant outdoors. 841 00:46:58,357 --> 00:46:59,751 In this Sweden... 842 00:46:59,775 --> 00:47:02,188 ...untouched by war for centuries... 843 00:47:02,695 --> 00:47:06,029 ...we are rightly proud of our social services... 844 00:47:06,073 --> 00:47:11,489 ...our sexual freedom, our open sandwiches, and our suicide rate... 845 00:47:11,746 --> 00:47:14,159 ...which is the highest in the world. 846 00:47:30,473 --> 00:47:31,964 Ooooh! 847 00:48:38,624 --> 00:48:40,581 Well, that settles it, then. 848 00:48:42,128 --> 00:48:44,620 And very satisfactorily, may I add. 849 00:48:44,672 --> 00:48:46,789 Are you sure there'll be no objections from old chum? 850 00:48:47,049 --> 00:48:48,085 Oh, I don't see why. 851 00:48:48,259 --> 00:48:50,171 Harrogate? What do you mean, Harrogate? 852 00:48:50,261 --> 00:48:53,220 What does anybody mean? A small Yorkshire inland resort. 853 00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:54,366 Famed for its mineral waters... 854 00:48:54,390 --> 00:48:55,742 - ...two hundred miles from London. - Don't be cute, Liz. 855 00:48:55,766 --> 00:48:56,847 Don't be cute. 856 00:48:56,934 --> 00:48:59,734 I'm not having you traipsing two hundred miles on your own with that... 857 00:48:59,854 --> 00:49:02,141 ...sex-mad monk! - Geoffrey is neither sex-mad... 858 00:49:02,231 --> 00:49:04,689 ...nor a monk. It is only a three-day conference. 859 00:49:04,733 --> 00:49:06,753 Richard'll be away sailing, and Inga can look after you... 860 00:49:06,777 --> 00:49:08,296 ...SO WHY ON EARTH SHOULDN'T I GO?! 861 00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:10,403 Because... because... 862 00:49:10,406 --> 00:49:12,426 ...I think you're getting in too deep with that society. 863 00:49:12,450 --> 00:49:14,567 They're all raving mad if you ask me. 864 00:49:14,618 --> 00:49:16,575 Ah, THEY'RE raving mad! 865 00:49:16,620 --> 00:49:18,031 - RAVING MAD! - I think Arthur and Hetty... 866 00:49:18,038 --> 00:49:20,475 ...are about the most contented and affectionate pair I've ever met... 867 00:49:20,499 --> 00:49:22,477 ...and if only more married couples were like that... 868 00:49:22,501 --> 00:49:24,163 They're BROTHER AND SISTER. 869 00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:26,168 She's MISS Soames. 870 00:49:26,255 --> 00:49:28,167 Look at your petition, go on. 871 00:49:28,632 --> 00:49:30,168 - Oh. - Oh. 872 00:49:34,847 --> 00:49:36,258 Oh, Liz... 873 00:49:37,892 --> 00:49:39,053 Oh, look. 874 00:49:39,310 --> 00:49:40,801 Do you have to go, Liz? 875 00:49:41,312 --> 00:49:43,429 I mean, it's been weeks since we... 876 00:49:44,648 --> 00:49:45,889 ...since you and I, er... 877 00:49:48,110 --> 00:49:51,353 Look, do you realise all we do when we go to bed, is go to sleep? 878 00:49:52,615 --> 00:49:56,484 I, I don't want to sleep with my wife. I want to sleeeep with her. 879 00:49:56,994 --> 00:49:58,972 - Teddy, it's not because I... - Oh, I know, I know. 880 00:49:58,996 --> 00:50:02,239 Sorry, love. I'm sorry. It's not been easy for me, either. 881 00:50:02,666 --> 00:50:03,666 At the office. 882 00:50:04,376 --> 00:50:05,958 Having trouble with Golidlocks. 883 00:50:07,046 --> 00:50:07,786 Goldilocks? 884 00:50:08,047 --> 00:50:08,707 Who's she? 885 00:50:09,006 --> 00:50:11,464 Oh, it's some idea I got from that nutty children's book... 886 00:50:11,509 --> 00:50:12,749 ...that Leonard and Maud wrote. 887 00:50:13,010 --> 00:50:15,071 - I mean, it's a sitting duck, I couldn't... - You mean you... Oh! 888 00:50:15,095 --> 00:50:16,114 - Of all the... - Of all the what? 889 00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:17,178 - ...rotten things! - What? 890 00:50:17,223 --> 00:50:18,950 - Now what will Geoffrey think? - I don't care. 891 00:50:18,974 --> 00:50:20,994 - And what will Leonard and Maud think? - I don't give a monkey's. 892 00:50:21,018 --> 00:50:23,260 - I don't give a monkey's! - OH, EYEBALLS! 893 00:50:23,312 --> 00:50:25,540 - OH, NUN'S KNICKERS! - Oh, that's nice. That's personal. 894 00:50:25,564 --> 00:50:27,918 - And the greengrocer's delivering this afternoon. - Yes, I know. 895 00:50:27,942 --> 00:50:30,253 - You've already told me. - And don't let Inga let the boiler go out. 896 00:50:30,277 --> 00:50:31,880 - I won't let Inga let the boiler go out. - And if anything... 897 00:50:31,904 --> 00:50:34,508 ...comes up, you can get me at... What's the name of the hotel, Geoffrey? 898 00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:36,444 I've, er, booked us in at the Temperance. 899 00:50:36,450 --> 00:50:38,692 - The Temperance. - Yes, I heard. 900 00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:40,447 Without surprise. 901 00:50:40,454 --> 00:50:42,662 We'll be up that M1 in well under two hours. 902 00:50:42,998 --> 00:50:45,081 She cruises at eighty, and loves it! 903 00:50:45,209 --> 00:50:46,436 [Does she? 904 00:50:46,460 --> 00:50:49,703 - So not to worry, old chum. - Thanks... 905 00:50:49,797 --> 00:50:51,254 ...old chum. 906 00:50:51,298 --> 00:50:53,381 Just keep your grimy hands on the wheel... 907 00:50:53,634 --> 00:50:54,634 ...old chum. 908 00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:57,298 Bye, darling. There's some cold chicken in the fridge. 909 00:50:57,763 --> 00:50:58,844 Bye! 910 00:50:59,265 --> 00:51:01,473 Yeah... I know just how it feels. 911 00:51:01,517 --> 00:51:02,553 Hmmph. 912 00:53:18,529 --> 00:53:19,940 Are you okay? 913 00:53:20,114 --> 00:53:24,199 Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just, er... finding it a bit difficult to concentrate on, er... 914 00:53:25,577 --> 00:53:26,237 ...porridge. 915 00:53:26,495 --> 00:53:28,765 I thought you perhaps might like some. 916 00:53:28,789 --> 00:53:30,621 Er, very kind of you. 917 00:53:31,291 --> 00:53:32,998 - How many? - Two. 918 00:53:33,335 --> 00:53:34,871 Er... no, I mean, I don't... I mean... 919 00:53:34,920 --> 00:53:37,287 ...hah! I d... I don't take any, thank you very much. 920 00:53:38,048 --> 00:53:40,415 - Am I disturbing you? - Huh?! Oh, no, no-err..! 921 00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:41,736 Oh, no, of course you're not... 922 00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:44,252 ...disturbing me. 923 00:53:44,847 --> 00:53:46,429 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! 924 00:54:32,227 --> 00:54:32,933 Inga? 925 00:54:32,978 --> 00:54:35,220 Erm... what are you doing tonight? 926 00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:50,026 - Very nice. - What? 927 00:54:50,037 --> 00:54:51,494 - It's very nice. - Yeah. 928 00:54:51,538 --> 00:54:52,278 Great place. 929 00:54:52,372 --> 00:54:54,768 Very groovy people. You get a lot of showbusiness people here. 930 00:54:54,792 --> 00:54:56,749 You know, writers, photographers, actors. 931 00:54:58,754 --> 00:55:00,791 Saw the show, baby. Loved it! 932 00:55:00,881 --> 00:55:02,042 LOVED it! 933 00:55:03,217 --> 00:55:04,217 Arthur? 934 00:55:05,761 --> 00:55:06,877 Er, we'll have our usual. 935 00:55:06,929 --> 00:55:08,795 - What? - My name is Mario, sir. 936 00:55:08,889 --> 00:55:10,346 Arthur is my brother. 937 00:55:10,390 --> 00:55:12,382 And I don't know what your usual is. 938 00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:14,259 My usual's away in Harrogate. 939 00:55:15,687 --> 00:55:17,519 Well, we'll have oysters. 940 00:55:18,273 --> 00:55:19,514 Two dozen. 941 00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:20,983 Each. 942 00:55:22,152 --> 00:55:22,858 Teddy..? 943 00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:25,899 - Yeah? - Are you sure Mrs Brown will not mind? 944 00:55:25,948 --> 00:55:27,905 Geoffrey..? 945 00:55:27,991 --> 00:55:31,234 - Mmm? - Could you go a bit slower? 946 00:55:31,995 --> 00:55:34,362 I get... car-sick. 947 00:55:38,126 --> 00:55:39,913 Geoffrey... 948 00:55:40,379 --> 00:55:41,665 ...I want to go home. 949 00:55:41,839 --> 00:55:43,501 Home? 950 00:55:43,590 --> 00:55:45,877 - We're nearly there. - I want to go home! 951 00:55:46,927 --> 00:55:49,169 Now, I just might... mmm... yes, all right. 952 00:55:53,725 --> 00:55:54,761 He-he-hey! 953 00:55:54,977 --> 00:55:55,977 Teddy! 954 00:55:57,187 --> 00:55:58,849 - Nat! - Teddy! 955 00:55:59,064 --> 00:56:01,602 - Nat. - Hey, Teh-dee! 956 00:56:02,526 --> 00:56:03,607 Ha, hah! 957 00:56:03,735 --> 00:56:05,692 - Hello, Teddy! - Nat! 958 00:56:05,696 --> 00:56:07,278 Ahh, hah! 959 00:56:07,364 --> 00:56:09,356 - How ya doin', kid? - Great. Lovely to see you. 960 00:56:09,408 --> 00:56:11,365 Now, look, erm, Nat, do you know Inga? 961 00:56:11,827 --> 00:56:13,363 Inga - Nat Kaplan. 962 00:56:13,370 --> 00:56:15,431 - Nat Kaplan, Inga. - Delighted to meet you, Mr Kaplan. 963 00:56:15,455 --> 00:56:18,448 Ah, course you are, honey. Everybody is. 964 00:56:18,750 --> 00:56:21,584 Oh, uh... heel. 965 00:56:22,629 --> 00:56:25,622 - She is a... wonderful person. - Yeah. 966 00:56:25,674 --> 00:56:27,540 I'm sure she is. Now, well, look, Nat... 967 00:56:28,093 --> 00:56:29,629 ...GREAT seeing you. Y'know... 968 00:56:29,678 --> 00:56:31,544 ...GREAT! But, er, Inga and I... 969 00:56:31,555 --> 00:56:34,389 - ...we're just going. - SURE you're just going. 970 00:56:34,433 --> 00:56:36,015 We're ALL going! 971 00:56:36,268 --> 00:56:37,268 Everywhere! 972 00:56:37,436 --> 00:56:39,268 The Poco Poco Club. 973 00:56:39,605 --> 00:56:41,597 The Afro Dizziac. 974 00:56:41,690 --> 00:56:43,602 Lulu Lorraine's. 975 00:56:43,734 --> 00:56:44,440 Where to now? 976 00:56:44,484 --> 00:56:47,192 One-fifteen Florian Avenue. 977 00:56:47,237 --> 00:56:47,943 Hey! 978 00:56:48,113 --> 00:56:50,696 - I know that. - You ought to, it's your house. 979 00:56:51,116 --> 00:56:51,651 What? 980 00:57:06,006 --> 00:57:07,747 Has anybody seen a bottle-opener? 981 00:57:08,592 --> 00:57:10,834 Has anybody seen a bottle-opener? 982 00:57:10,886 --> 00:57:13,072 I'm looking for a bottle-opener. Have you seen a bottle-opener around? 983 00:57:13,096 --> 00:57:14,337 No, man. 984 00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:20,184 'Scuse me. Er, can I borrow your beer? 985 00:57:24,900 --> 00:57:27,893 Say, kids, I have this dirty joke I wanna tell... 986 00:57:27,903 --> 00:57:30,145 ...so, uh, which one of you is the fella? 987 00:57:32,240 --> 00:57:35,278 Honey, have you heard the one about the rabbi and the priest... 988 00:57:35,327 --> 00:57:38,115 ...and the male nurse, who were stranded on this tropical isle? 989 00:57:41,208 --> 00:57:42,744 Isn't it dangerous? 990 00:57:44,795 --> 00:57:46,252 Not when you know how. 991 00:57:48,298 --> 00:57:49,664 Say "when". 992 00:57:51,218 --> 00:57:52,218 When. 993 00:57:53,887 --> 00:57:55,253 Have you heard the one... 994 00:57:55,389 --> 00:57:58,177 ...about the rabbi and the priest and the tropic isle... 995 00:57:58,517 --> 00:58:01,055 ...who are all stranded on this male nurse? 996 00:58:02,938 --> 00:58:05,897 Ice, anybody? 997 00:58:09,152 --> 00:58:12,611 Come here, shorty. There's a priest and a rabbi... 998 00:58:12,698 --> 00:58:16,738 ...and a male nurse, and they're trapped on this tropic island... 999 00:58:26,753 --> 00:58:27,914 C'mon, you dummy! 1000 00:58:27,963 --> 00:58:30,250 There ya go! He-he-hey! 1001 00:58:42,686 --> 00:58:44,455 - Would you like a lift? - No, thank you, Vicar. 1002 00:58:44,479 --> 00:58:47,313 I'm in a hurry. 1003 00:58:51,987 --> 00:58:53,319 There you go, girl. 1004 00:59:50,087 --> 00:59:51,168 Say... 1005 00:59:52,964 --> 00:59:55,798 ...have you ever heard the one about the rabbi... 1006 00:59:56,259 --> 00:59:57,795 ...and the priest... 1007 00:59:58,220 --> 01:00:02,681 ...and the male nurse, who are stranded on this tropic island. 1008 01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:04,600 Hmm? 1009 01:00:05,352 --> 01:00:06,352 Did you? 1010 01:00:39,469 --> 01:00:41,176 Oh..! 1011 01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:43,889 Damn! 1012 01:00:44,599 --> 01:00:45,599 Oh! 1013 01:00:47,018 --> 01:00:48,018 Oh! 1014 01:00:49,354 --> 01:00:50,515 Oh! 1015 01:01:02,075 --> 01:01:03,075 Teddy. 1016 01:01:04,244 --> 01:01:05,244 Teddy. 1017 01:01:17,340 --> 01:01:18,340 Oh. 1018 01:01:20,802 --> 01:01:21,802 Oh! 1019 01:01:22,721 --> 01:01:25,088 Oh, what are you doing? 1020 01:01:25,265 --> 01:01:27,552 I can't breathe down here! 1021 01:01:27,601 --> 01:01:29,843 - I... erm... - Agh, you... What are you doing?! 1022 01:01:30,854 --> 01:01:33,597 So? Perfect nobody is. 1023 01:01:33,690 --> 01:01:36,603 She was IN BED with my husband! 1024 01:01:36,902 --> 01:01:39,770 Look, for thirty shillings a week and all found... 1025 01:01:39,905 --> 01:01:41,988 ...you can't expect Mary Poppins. 1026 01:01:42,908 --> 01:01:46,777 Someone should report her to the authorities as an UNdesirable alien. 1027 01:01:46,953 --> 01:01:50,867 "Alien" maybe, but "undesirable" it doesn't sound like. 1028 01:01:51,249 --> 01:01:53,992 My husband was too drunk to know what was happening. 1029 01:01:55,253 --> 01:01:58,462 - He's not used to drinking. - I don't like the sound of... 1030 01:01:58,506 --> 01:02:00,463 ...what he IS used to. 1031 01:02:00,550 --> 01:02:05,090 Mrs Levin. If I have decided to accept my husband's explanation... 1032 01:02:05,180 --> 01:02:08,969 ...the one thing I do NOT need is anyone undermining it. 1033 01:02:09,226 --> 01:02:10,967 He personally sent her packing. 1034 01:02:11,394 --> 01:02:13,932 So all I want from you is a replacement. 1035 01:02:14,648 --> 01:02:15,666 Oh? 1036 01:02:15,690 --> 01:02:17,306 Of course you do. 1037 01:02:17,525 --> 01:02:21,394 And what's more, a replacement that won't turn out to be a repetition of... 1038 01:02:21,988 --> 01:02:23,399 Oh, Mrs Brown. 1039 01:02:23,448 --> 01:02:26,782 I've got for you here a girl that's like the answer to a prayer. 1040 01:02:26,910 --> 01:02:27,946 Whose prayer? 1041 01:02:27,953 --> 01:02:29,910 That you don't have to worry. When I tell you... 1042 01:02:30,455 --> 01:02:34,916 ...that in her last situation she broke the husband's arm in four places. 1043 01:02:35,585 --> 01:02:37,247 That sounds perfect. 1044 01:03:03,738 --> 01:03:05,980 Mum! They've landed! 1045 01:03:14,040 --> 01:03:15,076 Mrs Brown? 1046 01:03:16,167 --> 01:03:17,328 Lotte von Gelbstein. 1047 01:03:18,211 --> 01:03:19,622 Oh. Hello. 1048 01:03:20,505 --> 01:03:21,505 Er, come in. 1049 01:03:21,715 --> 01:03:24,332 Er, you must forgive Richard. He thinks you're from Mars. 1050 01:03:24,718 --> 01:03:25,925 No. Hamburg. 1051 01:03:27,220 --> 01:03:28,961 Oh, I see - is a joke. 1052 01:03:30,098 --> 01:03:31,134 Would you like some tea? 1053 01:03:31,391 --> 01:03:32,598 No, coffee, please. 1054 01:03:32,976 --> 01:03:34,933 Do you mind instant? No. I like instant. 1055 01:03:36,229 --> 01:03:38,471 06:00 every morning, I rise. 1056 01:03:38,648 --> 01:03:40,810 And work will begin at 06:30. 1057 01:03:41,776 --> 01:03:42,983 I will not disturb you... 1058 01:03:43,320 --> 01:03:45,437 ...but will carry out my duties until midday. 1059 01:03:45,488 --> 01:03:46,757 Hello, dependants... 1060 01:03:46,781 --> 01:03:48,021 - However... - ...I'm home. I... 1061 01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:50,659 Good evening. 1062 01:03:52,620 --> 01:03:55,328 - Herr Brown? Lotte von Gelbstein. - Yes. 1063 01:03:55,790 --> 01:03:56,997 That's nice. 1064 01:03:57,500 --> 01:03:59,412 I am outlining my work system. 1065 01:04:00,670 --> 01:04:02,457 Er, Lotte's our new au pair. 1066 01:04:02,714 --> 01:04:04,455 Oh... good. 1067 01:04:04,841 --> 01:04:06,173 - Please sit. - Thank you. 1068 01:04:06,468 --> 01:04:09,836 - Dad, at school today... - I am outlining my work system. 1069 01:04:10,847 --> 01:04:14,056 From midday every afternoon I sleep for four hours. 1070 01:04:14,642 --> 01:04:16,304 That sleep I MUST have. 1071 01:04:17,020 --> 01:04:18,181 It is a rule. 1072 01:04:18,355 --> 01:04:20,347 - Is understood? - Sieg Heil. 1073 01:04:21,066 --> 01:04:22,728 Then everything is tickety-boo. 1074 01:04:23,318 --> 01:04:24,729 Tickety-boo. 1075 01:04:25,570 --> 01:04:26,686 I will wash my hands. 1076 01:04:26,821 --> 01:04:29,108 Ah, yes, Richard, will you show Herr... 1077 01:04:29,491 --> 01:04:33,235 Miss, um... the young... lady... to the ablutions. 1078 01:04:33,370 --> 01:04:35,327 Yes, Dad. It's this way. 1079 01:04:40,919 --> 01:04:43,582 So, er... that's what happened to Martin Bormann. 1080 01:04:44,464 --> 01:04:46,547 I wouldn't advise trying anything with her. 1081 01:04:46,800 --> 01:04:50,669 Wi... wi... with..? You... you must be joking! 1082 01:04:51,554 --> 01:04:53,466 Oh, look, Liz, look, look, I explained. 1083 01:04:53,807 --> 01:04:55,673 I apologised. You said you understood. 1084 01:04:55,725 --> 01:04:56,725 I did. 1085 01:04:59,479 --> 01:05:01,596 - Wh... wh... what's that, then? - What's what? 1086 01:05:01,815 --> 01:05:03,681 What... what's... 1087 01:05:05,151 --> 01:05:07,711 - You said it was forgiven and forgotten! - Why are you shouting? 1088 01:05:07,946 --> 01:05:09,340 Because when you forgive and forget... 1089 01:05:09,364 --> 01:05:11,856 ...you won't let anyone forget you've forgiven and forgotten! 1090 01:05:13,952 --> 01:05:15,909 Oh, Liz, look, give it a rest. 1091 01:05:15,954 --> 01:05:18,116 Dad, where did Inga go to? 1092 01:05:18,540 --> 01:05:19,906 Back to Stockholm. 1093 01:05:20,125 --> 01:05:21,912 I bought her ticket myself. 1094 01:05:22,710 --> 01:05:23,710 Satisfied? 1095 01:05:30,718 --> 01:05:32,209 What shall I wear this evening? 1096 01:05:32,470 --> 01:05:35,338 Miss Romaine Dupree. 1097 01:06:02,167 --> 01:06:05,160 Thank you, Romaine. 1098 01:06:08,590 --> 01:06:11,082 Well, Romaine - nearly Miss Tulip last year, is that right? 1099 01:06:11,176 --> 01:06:13,154 - Yes. - Ah. Tell me, what are your hobbies? 1100 01:06:13,178 --> 01:06:14,635 - Hi, Teddy. - Hello, Nat. 1101 01:06:14,762 --> 01:06:16,970 And how is the lovely Mrs Brown? 1102 01:06:18,266 --> 01:06:19,473 Ae we still in the doghouse? 1103 01:06:20,727 --> 01:06:22,663 The, er, competition's going well, Nat. 1104 01:06:22,687 --> 01:06:24,269 Oh, fine. 1105 01:06:24,564 --> 01:06:26,806 Great girls, all hand-picked... 1106 01:06:26,983 --> 01:06:29,145 ...with these very hands. 1107 01:06:29,277 --> 01:06:31,690 You help your mother in the home. Well, that's really commendable... 1108 01:06:31,696 --> 01:06:33,779 ...isn't it, folks? Give her a big hand. 1109 01:06:35,825 --> 01:06:37,441 And tell me, what's your ambition? 1110 01:06:37,619 --> 01:06:41,078 I'd like to be an all-round entertainer. 1111 01:06:41,164 --> 01:06:43,952 Well, good luck and thank you, Miss Romaine Dupree. 1112 01:06:46,711 --> 01:06:49,190 And you'll remember that one of the girls appearing this evening... 1113 01:06:49,214 --> 01:06:51,206 ...will become Miss Goldilocks. 1114 01:06:51,341 --> 01:06:55,381 Her prizes will include one year's supply of McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge... 1115 01:06:55,470 --> 01:06:56,470 ...a mini-moke... 1116 01:06:56,513 --> 01:06:58,345 ...a kilt in the tartan of her choice... 1117 01:06:58,389 --> 01:06:59,971 ...a thousand pounds in cash... 1118 01:07:00,183 --> 01:07:02,391 ...and the dream holiday of a lifetime for two... 1119 01:07:02,560 --> 01:07:05,928 ...at Tossa del Mar in Rabjohn's Holiday Huts. 1120 01:07:06,105 --> 01:07:08,347 My word. Who's gonna be the lucky girl? 1121 01:07:08,566 --> 01:07:10,419 Will it be one of the lovelies you've met already? 1122 01:07:10,443 --> 01:07:12,935 Or the next contestant, whose photo was sent in... 1123 01:07:13,196 --> 01:07:15,233 ...by one of you Frozen Porridge lovers of Britain? 1124 01:07:15,573 --> 01:07:18,691 Come in, Number Eight: an ex-au pair girl from London... 1125 01:07:18,826 --> 01:07:20,692 ...Miss Inga Giltenburg! 1126 01:09:24,577 --> 01:09:26,944 - Please let me in? - Go away. 1127 01:09:26,996 --> 01:09:29,283 It, it's inconvenient. 1128 01:09:30,041 --> 01:09:31,452 Please let me in. 1129 01:09:31,876 --> 01:09:32,876 No. 1130 01:09:32,919 --> 01:09:35,332 Well, can't you just open the door for a second? 1131 01:09:36,422 --> 01:09:37,422 All right. 1132 01:09:38,466 --> 01:09:39,627 But only a few inches. 1133 01:09:42,387 --> 01:09:43,387 Nat. 1134 01:09:43,888 --> 01:09:46,096 Liz's thrown me out. I've got nowhere to sleep. 1135 01:09:46,182 --> 01:09:47,468 Aw, that's tough. 1136 01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:51,184 But remember Teddy, there's millions of homeless people in this world... 1137 01:09:51,229 --> 01:09:53,221 ...and my heart bleeds for them, but right now... 1138 01:09:53,272 --> 01:09:55,059 ...I don't want any of them in here. 1139 01:09:55,108 --> 01:09:56,565 Who's at the door, Nat? 1140 01:09:57,694 --> 01:09:59,435 Oh, it's you, Teddy! 1141 01:09:59,570 --> 01:10:01,436 All right, so come in. 1142 01:10:02,448 --> 01:10:04,280 So, er, what's the, er..? 1143 01:10:04,325 --> 01:10:06,112 - Oh, she's er... - I won! I won it! 1144 01:10:06,160 --> 01:10:09,073 I'm Miss Goldilocks, I won the competition! 1145 01:10:09,205 --> 01:10:12,539 That, that, that's all I need, Nat. I mean, that puts the tin hat on it, now. 1146 01:10:12,583 --> 01:10:15,496 Don't look at me, you're the one who sent the picture in. 1147 01:10:15,545 --> 01:10:17,411 I didn't send any picture in, Nat. 1148 01:10:17,463 --> 01:10:18,732 I wouldn't do a thing like that. 1149 01:10:18,756 --> 01:10:21,715 You did do send in her picture, I saw it among the bunch... 1150 01:10:21,718 --> 01:10:23,758 ...and I figured you wanted to give the kid a break. 1151 01:10:23,928 --> 01:10:27,092 And now... I'm giving her another break. 1152 01:10:27,849 --> 01:10:30,091 Beats a year's supply of porridge, huh, baby? 1153 01:10:32,895 --> 01:10:35,638 Right, you ought to be comfortable enough here, Teddy, so... 1154 01:10:36,983 --> 01:10:38,645 Thanks, Nat. 1155 01:10:39,110 --> 01:10:41,898 We'll be in there if you need anything. 1156 01:10:44,407 --> 01:10:47,946 Oh, Teddy, do me a favour? Don't need anything. 1157 01:10:56,461 --> 01:10:59,078 Tell me more about this Goldilocks business. 1158 01:10:59,172 --> 01:11:01,380 It was so rotten. 1159 01:11:01,758 --> 01:11:03,875 Even when I'd told him how shabby it was, he... 1160 01:11:05,344 --> 01:11:08,087 ...he's been busy with this for weeks. 1161 01:11:08,890 --> 01:11:10,097 Oh. 1162 01:11:11,809 --> 01:11:14,597 I have packed them all. All his possessions. 1163 01:11:14,687 --> 01:11:17,270 We can throw them out in the morning. 1164 01:11:17,440 --> 01:11:20,103 - Oh, no. - For what you need him? 1165 01:11:20,651 --> 01:11:22,187 We women must be strong! 1166 01:11:22,987 --> 01:11:24,694 I can do the man's work in the house. 1167 01:11:25,031 --> 01:11:26,863 Chop wood, drive the car. 1168 01:11:27,533 --> 01:11:30,196 For money, I can go back to my old job. 1169 01:11:30,536 --> 01:11:32,368 - Your old..? - In Hamburg... 1170 01:11:32,413 --> 01:11:34,530 ...I used to wrestle in mud. 1171 01:11:36,042 --> 01:11:37,042 Oh. 1172 01:11:37,126 --> 01:11:39,334 Well, there's not much call for that around here. 1173 01:11:39,629 --> 01:11:41,910 - No, honestly, I don't think... - Together we can make... 1174 01:11:42,006 --> 01:11:43,247 ...a new life. 1175 01:11:56,813 --> 01:11:57,813 Liz. 1176 01:11:59,857 --> 01:12:04,397 Liz, this work of his is the most diabolical... I mean, I hadn't realised the enormity of it! 1177 01:12:04,904 --> 01:12:07,112 Well, it's something to do with porridge. 1178 01:12:07,156 --> 01:12:09,443 The sooner the Society has sight of this, the better. 1179 01:12:09,492 --> 01:12:11,470 Oh, no, wait a minute, they're Teddy's - they're private. 1180 01:12:11,494 --> 01:12:13,451 - We can't just... - The moment comes... 1181 01:12:13,746 --> 01:12:15,908 ...the moment comes for all of us when we have to... 1182 01:12:16,165 --> 01:12:17,281 ...choose our... 1183 01:12:17,959 --> 01:12:19,291 ...our priorities. 1184 01:12:19,836 --> 01:12:21,919 Er, can't we just ask him first? 1185 01:12:22,713 --> 01:12:23,669 Please? 1186 01:12:23,714 --> 01:12:25,501 I mean, just put it to him. 1187 01:12:34,892 --> 01:12:35,892 There's no answer. 1188 01:12:37,687 --> 01:12:39,247 Well, he said he was going to be there. 1189 01:12:41,232 --> 01:12:43,224 Hello? Who? 1190 01:12:44,527 --> 01:12:45,859 Yes, but he's asleep. 1191 01:12:46,654 --> 01:12:47,861 This is Inga. 1192 01:12:48,072 --> 01:12:49,859 Inga Giltenburg. 1193 01:12:50,241 --> 01:12:51,857 Hello? Hello? 1194 01:12:54,370 --> 01:12:56,111 I was once stuck in a lift. 1195 01:12:56,330 --> 01:12:59,073 - Daddy, you never told me. - What a well-appointed situation. 1196 01:12:59,166 --> 01:13:00,623 Expensive but tasteful. 1197 01:13:00,960 --> 01:13:02,246 You made the right choice, Liz. 1198 01:13:02,837 --> 01:13:03,497 I'm proud of you. 1199 01:13:23,983 --> 01:13:26,726 We have an appointment with Wallace Trufitt, MP. 1200 01:13:27,320 --> 01:13:28,686 Who shall I say, sir? 1201 01:13:28,905 --> 01:13:32,273 Belper-England Clean, England Strong crusade. 1202 01:13:32,491 --> 01:13:33,698 Ahhh! 1203 01:13:34,952 --> 01:13:36,864 The time has come, Trufitt, for action. 1204 01:13:37,038 --> 01:13:39,997 As our MP, I want you to ask a question in the House. 1205 01:13:40,124 --> 01:13:41,160 Certainly. 1206 01:13:42,501 --> 01:13:43,867 About anything in particular? 1207 01:13:44,045 --> 01:13:45,707 This has come into our possession. 1208 01:13:46,380 --> 01:13:47,996 It belonged to Mrs Brown's husband. 1209 01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:52,297 It is a document which describes the practice of sexual titillation... 1210 01:13:52,345 --> 01:13:53,345 ...in advertising. 1211 01:13:53,638 --> 01:13:56,597 It's all here; facts, figures... 1212 01:13:56,891 --> 01:13:58,757 - Photos..? - No photos. 1213 01:13:59,685 --> 01:14:01,347 It's a complete analysis of the... 1214 01:14:01,395 --> 01:14:05,810 ...subliminal sexual techniques used to sell McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge. 1215 01:14:06,192 --> 01:14:09,685 - May I use the little girls' room? - Please do. It's through that door. 1216 01:14:09,737 --> 01:14:11,694 And to the left. 1217 01:14:12,156 --> 01:14:13,192 Not that one! 1218 01:14:17,745 --> 01:14:19,281 Oh... more evidence... 1219 01:14:19,330 --> 01:14:21,913 - ...much more evidence. - Let me help you. 1220 01:14:22,041 --> 01:14:25,375 Yes, well... I expect you're all wondering... 1221 01:14:25,628 --> 01:14:29,668 ...how such DISGUSTING things as these could possibly have come into my possession. 1222 01:14:30,091 --> 01:14:31,923 Well, er, as a matter of fact, I, er... 1223 01:14:34,971 --> 01:14:36,382 Now, where were we? 1224 01:14:36,472 --> 01:14:38,384 We were talking about cleaning up advertising. 1225 01:14:38,432 --> 01:14:39,764 We want an inquiry. 1226 01:14:39,809 --> 01:14:41,721 We want these advertisements banned... 1227 01:14:41,769 --> 01:14:43,556 ...that porridge thrown off the market! 1228 01:14:43,562 --> 01:14:45,474 There's such a funny mirror in the bathroom. 1229 01:14:45,523 --> 01:14:46,354 You can see right through it... 1230 01:14:46,399 --> 01:14:48,356 - ...into the bedroom! - Yes, yes, you can. 1231 01:14:49,902 --> 01:14:51,643 This used to be a nursing home, you know? 1232 01:14:52,738 --> 01:14:56,527 Well, now, if that dossier contains the information that you say it does... 1233 01:14:56,617 --> 01:14:58,028 ...well, it is dynamite. 1234 01:14:58,327 --> 01:15:00,239 In fact, it is better than dynamite. 1235 01:15:01,122 --> 01:15:02,122 It's news! 1236 01:15:08,379 --> 01:15:12,749 Front page of every newspaper in the country. Complete national coverage. 1237 01:15:16,929 --> 01:15:18,511 Mr McLaughlin... 1238 01:15:19,306 --> 01:15:21,138 ...I feel I owe you an apology. 1239 01:15:21,559 --> 01:15:22,559 For what? 1240 01:15:26,522 --> 01:15:29,014 Our wee miracle-worker. 1241 01:15:30,735 --> 01:15:32,226 Ah, come on, Teddy. 1242 01:15:32,361 --> 01:15:33,943 Getting the product unpaid publicity... 1243 01:15:34,030 --> 01:15:36,967 ...on the front page of every newspaper in the country would've been enough. 1244 01:15:36,991 --> 01:15:41,156 - But this, kid - they wanna have it banned! - That's an advertising first! 1245 01:15:41,203 --> 01:15:41,738 Beautiful. 1246 01:15:41,996 --> 01:15:44,579 Beauty - the only word for it. 1247 01:15:44,623 --> 01:15:47,240 Don't you know what happens to a book they wanna have banned? 1248 01:15:47,334 --> 01:15:49,417 A film? It's blockbuster time, baby! 1249 01:15:49,462 --> 01:15:52,830 - The sales go up like rockets! - By this time next week... 1250 01:15:52,882 --> 01:15:56,216 ...Quaker Oats will be turning that factory into a bowling alley. 1251 01:15:56,260 --> 01:15:58,343 The pupil has become the master. 1252 01:15:58,471 --> 01:16:01,635 It wasn't me - it was the England Clean, England Strong Society. 1253 01:16:01,766 --> 01:16:03,723 Teddy... you didn't know? 1254 01:16:03,809 --> 01:16:05,141 Didn't know... what? 1255 01:16:05,269 --> 01:16:07,181 Where that society gets its funds? 1256 01:16:07,229 --> 01:16:09,437 It's endowed by the McLaughlin Foundation. 1257 01:16:09,607 --> 01:16:14,193 Mah Foundation contributes to every socially uplifting organisation. 1258 01:16:20,701 --> 01:16:22,943 Hello? Oh, yes, he is. Frank. 1259 01:16:23,329 --> 01:16:25,446 - BBC. - BBC! 1260 01:16:26,916 --> 01:16:29,144 - They're potty. - "Hello, Mr Chandler?" 1261 01:16:29,168 --> 01:16:30,168 "My name's Tolworth." 1262 01:16:30,211 --> 01:16:34,080 I'm sort of, erm, producer on the "Confrontation" programme. 1263 01:16:34,256 --> 01:16:36,714 Ah, you don't know me but I expect you've heard of... 1264 01:16:36,759 --> 01:16:39,672 - ...Joanna Snow. - Yes, of course I know Joanna Snow. 1265 01:16:39,845 --> 01:16:41,131 It's a bleedin' nuthouse. 1266 01:16:41,388 --> 01:16:44,068 Well, Joanna would love you to appear on her programme this evening. 1267 01:16:44,225 --> 01:16:45,966 - Tonight? - "Mmm, yes." 1268 01:16:46,018 --> 01:16:47,579 "I think what she had in mind, really, was"... 1269 01:16:47,603 --> 01:16:50,186 ...your group in sort of open confrontation, really, with a... 1270 01:16:50,314 --> 01:16:52,897 ...group from the England Clean, England Strong Society. 1271 01:16:53,109 --> 01:16:54,896 We'll be there. Can't wait! 1272 01:16:55,903 --> 01:16:57,769 The delegation will consist of you... 1273 01:16:57,822 --> 01:17:02,157 ...you, myself and, of course, the first begetter of it all... 1274 01:17:04,870 --> 01:17:08,489 MAD! MAD! The whole lot of you! You ought to be in an asylum! 1275 01:17:50,124 --> 01:17:50,955 Where is she? 1276 01:17:51,041 --> 01:17:53,283 - Where's Liz? - Go away. You are not wanted here. 1277 01:17:53,460 --> 01:17:55,747 We haff vays of making you talk! 1278 01:17:55,796 --> 01:17:57,583 - Where is she? - Sh-she left. 1279 01:17:57,673 --> 01:17:59,255 - For the Underground. - Which one? 1280 01:17:59,300 --> 01:18:01,337 I have friends in ze underground. 1281 01:18:01,427 --> 01:18:03,009 Which one? 1282 01:18:08,684 --> 01:18:09,720 Liz! 1283 01:18:10,853 --> 01:18:11,853 LIZ!!! 1284 01:18:12,605 --> 01:18:14,958 - I've gotta talk to you, love. - I'm going to my solicitor. 1285 01:18:14,982 --> 01:18:15,982 Solicitor? 1286 01:18:16,150 --> 01:18:18,267 - To see about a divorce. - Oh, Liz. 1287 01:18:18,485 --> 01:18:20,727 - I've taken advice. - Who from? That sour kraut? 1288 01:18:20,821 --> 01:18:22,733 - Miss "Tomorrow the World"? - Geoffrey. 1289 01:18:22,990 --> 01:18:24,197 Oh, Geoffrey. 1290 01:18:24,617 --> 01:18:28,110 Geoffrey says there comes a moment in everyone's life, when... 1291 01:18:28,162 --> 01:18:29,619 - There certainly does! - Ooow! 1292 01:18:29,663 --> 01:18:30,870 Come on, Liz. 1293 01:18:30,915 --> 01:18:32,281 Just come on. 1294 01:18:32,750 --> 01:18:36,209 Get in there! Don't argue with me. 1295 01:18:36,378 --> 01:18:38,370 Don't argue! 1296 01:18:39,548 --> 01:18:41,943 It won't do any good. I've made up my mind. 1297 01:18:41,967 --> 01:18:43,727 You have?! You mean, that lousy Geoffrey has. 1298 01:18:43,802 --> 01:18:45,714 I'll fix that bloody vicar! 1299 01:18:48,182 --> 01:18:50,424 - You were the one that started it all! - It wasn't... 1300 01:18:50,517 --> 01:18:53,305 ...me, it was you with all that hoo-hah with Richard's knickers. 1301 01:18:53,395 --> 01:18:55,081 This goes deeper than Richard's knickers. 1302 01:18:55,105 --> 01:18:57,472 It's you - you're sex-mad! 1303 01:18:57,733 --> 01:19:00,066 ME?! I haven't had sex for months! 1304 01:19:00,653 --> 01:19:02,360 What d'you think they're advertising? 1305 01:19:02,446 --> 01:19:06,156 Dunno. Must be new stuff they're putting in the toothpaste. 1306 01:19:13,332 --> 01:19:14,118 Greetings. 1307 01:19:14,333 --> 01:19:16,700 And, tonight, Confrontation will be discussing... 1308 01:19:16,919 --> 01:19:19,457 ...racial discrimination among unmarried mothers. 1309 01:19:22,258 --> 01:19:25,422 Thursday's outbreak of violence at the National Bowls Championship. 1310 01:19:28,180 --> 01:19:30,137 But first, today's headlines. 1311 01:19:30,224 --> 01:19:33,433 The dispute on sex in television commercials... 1312 01:19:33,769 --> 01:19:38,434 ...and the remarkable charges brought by the England Clean, England Strong Society. 1313 01:19:38,482 --> 01:19:40,439 Stand by, Two. 1314 01:19:40,651 --> 01:19:42,438 And now, to open the batting... 1315 01:19:42,611 --> 01:19:44,443 - ...Reverend Mellish. - On you, Two. 1316 01:19:44,613 --> 01:19:47,071 Look, let's not make a big thing of this. 1317 01:19:47,157 --> 01:19:49,524 All we're suggesting - all we're hinting... 1318 01:19:49,618 --> 01:19:54,989 ...is that there's already too much filthy, sex-obsessed sewage muck on TV. 1319 01:19:55,499 --> 01:19:58,663 And why should it be thrust at us in the commercials as well? 1320 01:19:58,752 --> 01:20:00,664 Oh, come, now - that's simply discrimination. 1321 01:20:00,754 --> 01:20:04,043 Balderdash! It's time that sex was put back where it belongs... 1322 01:20:04,091 --> 01:20:07,505 ...in the bedrooms of prostitutes and decently married couples. 1323 01:20:07,636 --> 01:20:09,956 TEDDY, STILL ON LOUDSPEAKER: All I want is my normal quota! 1324 01:20:10,264 --> 01:20:13,223 I mean, is that too much to ask, just my normal quota of sex? 1325 01:20:13,434 --> 01:20:15,221 I mean, that's all any man wants. 1326 01:20:15,477 --> 01:20:17,514 Just a normal sex life. 1327 01:20:17,688 --> 01:20:19,429 Speak for yourself, darlin'. 1328 01:20:19,523 --> 01:20:21,560 Well, would you think it right to represent... 1329 01:20:21,650 --> 01:20:24,108 ...actual intercourse in a commercial? 1330 01:20:24,236 --> 01:20:25,236 Yes, would you? 1331 01:20:25,279 --> 01:20:28,443 I think there should be no copulation without representation. 1332 01:20:28,490 --> 01:20:29,856 I go along with that. 1333 01:20:30,159 --> 01:20:32,071 It's not me, it's your lot. 1334 01:20:32,161 --> 01:20:33,993 You're pre-occupied with sex! 1335 01:20:34,038 --> 01:20:36,155 Every night, sitting around the telly... 1336 01:20:36,206 --> 01:20:37,868 ...totting up the tits and bums. 1337 01:20:37,958 --> 01:20:40,371 I am entirely against censorship. 1338 01:20:40,669 --> 01:20:42,376 I uphold the right of the artist... 1339 01:20:42,421 --> 01:20:45,209 ...to express freely whatever he wants to, providing... 1340 01:20:45,758 --> 01:20:49,593 ...he does not put it in a television show or a film or a play, or anywhere... 1341 01:20:49,636 --> 01:20:51,593 ...where the public can see it. 1342 01:20:51,680 --> 01:20:53,158 And as for that au pair girl... 1343 01:20:53,182 --> 01:20:56,675 ...don't think I don't know what went on with you and her in that flat. 1344 01:20:56,769 --> 01:20:58,681 Call that a normal quota? 1345 01:21:02,524 --> 01:21:04,356 Follow that toothpaste tube! 1346 01:21:04,401 --> 01:21:06,017 Right in one's living room... 1347 01:21:06,195 --> 01:21:09,939 ...men and women in bed, shoulders being stroked... 1348 01:21:10,074 --> 01:21:12,612 ...noses burrowing into each other's necks... 1349 01:21:12,701 --> 01:21:16,661 ...sometimes you can't work out where the man ends and the woman begins! 1350 01:21:16,705 --> 01:21:18,662 It's not exactly incandescent, is it? 1351 01:21:18,707 --> 01:21:20,118 Do you find it incandescent? 1352 01:21:28,592 --> 01:21:29,708 Aahh! 1353 01:21:32,054 --> 01:21:35,263 Sorry sir. No admittance to Studio unless you're taking part in a production. 1354 01:21:35,641 --> 01:21:37,928 Uh... well, I am taking part in the production. 1355 01:21:38,227 --> 01:21:39,388 What as? 1356 01:21:43,065 --> 01:21:46,058 None of us wants to inhibit freedom of expression. 1357 01:21:46,151 --> 01:21:48,017 It's just a question of priorities. 1358 01:21:48,112 --> 01:21:50,775 OH! Oh, leave me alone, you... Take the van! 1359 01:21:52,408 --> 01:21:53,408 Here..? 1360 01:21:53,534 --> 01:21:54,534 You a bishop? 1361 01:21:54,576 --> 01:21:56,936 Well, who do you think I am with this, then? Bloody Bo Peep? 1362 01:21:57,121 --> 01:21:59,204 - 'Ere - hold on! - Course I'm a bishop, you twit! 1363 01:21:59,540 --> 01:22:00,576 Ooaaarh! 1364 01:22:02,042 --> 01:22:03,203 Bless you, my son. 1365 01:22:03,752 --> 01:22:05,709 And what is the most important thing today? 1366 01:22:06,213 --> 01:22:08,170 Well, to my mind, it's the home. 1367 01:22:08,257 --> 01:22:11,750 The sacred and inviolable institution of marriage. 1368 01:22:12,052 --> 01:22:15,591 You lying bastard! 1369 01:22:17,766 --> 01:22:19,974 You two-face berk! 1370 01:22:20,519 --> 01:22:23,136 All you wanna do is get your sweaty hands on my wife! 1371 01:22:23,188 --> 01:22:25,508 You don't give a monkey's about breaking up people's homes. 1372 01:22:25,607 --> 01:22:28,441 With my rod and staff I shall comfort you, mate! 1373 01:22:28,694 --> 01:22:29,810 Oww! 1374 01:22:31,530 --> 01:22:32,530 No! 1375 01:22:34,908 --> 01:22:37,901 This seems a LITTLE lively. Stay on the bishop, Four. 1376 01:22:37,995 --> 01:22:40,533 You git! 1377 01:22:41,081 --> 01:22:42,538 Anyone know which bishop it is? 1378 01:22:43,041 --> 01:22:45,954 Er, can we super an attachment showing his... diocese? 1379 01:22:46,086 --> 01:22:47,952 Kill him, Geoff!! 1380 01:22:53,635 --> 01:22:54,421 Oh, nice. 1381 01:22:54,470 --> 01:22:55,881 Oh, you stinker! 1382 01:23:00,642 --> 01:23:02,383 You bitch! You bitch! 1383 01:23:02,644 --> 01:23:04,351 Silly old clot! 1384 01:23:05,189 --> 01:23:07,897 Nat! For God's sake, do something. 1385 01:23:07,983 --> 01:23:09,724 - For heaven's sake, look... - Get off!! 1386 01:23:09,818 --> 01:23:10,818 Aaagh... 1387 01:23:11,904 --> 01:23:14,647 And turning to you, Mr Kaplan, what are your views on violence? 1388 01:23:14,656 --> 01:23:17,364 Listen, I'm an American. I don't belong in this war. 1389 01:23:20,829 --> 01:23:22,786 Change lens, Three. 1390 01:23:22,831 --> 01:23:24,072 MELLISH! 1391 01:23:25,250 --> 01:23:28,459 D'you know, this is beginning to take on the quality of real television debate. 1392 01:23:29,213 --> 01:23:30,933 I'm coming for you, Mellish! 1393 01:23:31,131 --> 01:23:32,793 I'll have you! 1394 01:23:32,841 --> 01:23:34,798 You slimy ba... 1395 01:23:35,469 --> 01:23:36,801 All right, Vicar? 1396 01:23:36,929 --> 01:23:39,763 - Look, don't... Look, please..! - Now turn the other cheek, mate. 1397 01:23:39,765 --> 01:23:40,801 AGH! Ooh! 1398 01:23:45,103 --> 01:23:46,103 Teddy! 1399 01:23:49,858 --> 01:23:51,645 - Teddy! - Er, pardon me. 1400 01:23:51,693 --> 01:23:53,650 I'm looking for my husband. 1401 01:23:53,820 --> 01:23:57,063 - Do you know Nat Kaplan? - Why, most certainly. 1402 01:23:57,824 --> 01:23:58,860 Teddy! 1403 01:24:12,381 --> 01:24:13,246 Hello... 1404 01:24:13,382 --> 01:24:14,382 ...Nat. 1405 01:24:18,178 --> 01:24:20,386 What is this? 1406 01:24:20,472 --> 01:24:24,216 Come back down here, ye bobby dazzler, and I'll whisper. 1407 01:24:27,104 --> 01:24:29,312 Teddy, you'll kill yourself! 1408 01:24:31,692 --> 01:24:34,981 Teddy! 1409 01:24:42,327 --> 01:24:43,909 - Elvira? - Wallace. 1410 01:24:43,954 --> 01:24:45,911 Jack, as a matter of fact. 1411 01:24:46,039 --> 01:24:48,519 Where d'you think you're goin', an' what're we gonna call this? 1412 01:24:55,465 --> 01:24:57,832 Teddy! 1413 01:24:58,218 --> 01:25:00,756 Oh, Teddy! 1414 01:25:09,855 --> 01:25:10,855 Right. 1415 01:25:23,702 --> 01:25:25,443 Right! Trapped! 1416 01:25:25,495 --> 01:25:28,408 Trapped! 1417 01:25:28,790 --> 01:25:30,998 TRAPPED! 1418 01:25:31,084 --> 01:25:32,996 HA, HA, HA! Ha... ah... 1419 01:25:33,086 --> 01:25:34,086 ...er... 1420 01:25:34,379 --> 01:25:35,379 Mellish? 1421 01:25:37,257 --> 01:25:38,464 Mellish? 1422 01:25:40,594 --> 01:25:41,594 Mellish? 1423 01:25:43,555 --> 01:25:44,555 Mellish? 1424 01:25:47,434 --> 01:25:48,434 Mellish! 1425 01:25:49,227 --> 01:25:50,934 I know you're in here somewhere. 1426 01:26:18,340 --> 01:26:19,456 AH! 1427 01:26:19,800 --> 01:26:22,213 Ahh-haa-haah..! 1428 01:26:40,696 --> 01:26:42,028 Mellish! 1429 01:26:42,030 --> 01:26:43,441 Mellish? 1430 01:26:45,242 --> 01:26:46,242 Mellish..? 1431 01:26:49,121 --> 01:26:50,157 Mellish..? 1432 01:27:08,473 --> 01:27:09,133 Oh! 1433 01:27:19,735 --> 01:27:20,735 UGH! 1434 01:27:28,368 --> 01:27:29,404 Yeaahh! 1435 01:27:33,498 --> 01:27:34,033 Oooh! 1436 01:27:48,680 --> 01:27:50,922 Ah, hah, hah, hah! 1437 01:27:51,099 --> 01:27:51,555 Hmm? 1438 01:28:03,904 --> 01:28:05,190 Ha-haaahh! 1439 01:28:21,880 --> 01:28:24,213 YEEAAAAARH! 1440 01:28:43,235 --> 01:28:44,235 Agh! 1441 01:28:48,615 --> 01:28:49,615 Oop! 1442 01:29:02,045 --> 01:29:03,786 Yeuuuurrgh-ooow! 1443 01:29:05,966 --> 01:29:07,002 Missed! 1444 01:29:10,136 --> 01:29:11,593 Never touched me! 1445 01:29:13,932 --> 01:29:15,013 Mellish! 1446 01:29:17,727 --> 01:29:19,093 Yeuuh..! 1447 01:29:20,146 --> 01:29:21,432 Mellish! 1448 01:30:19,831 --> 01:30:23,324 You conduct went far beyond the bounds of civilised behaviour. 1449 01:30:23,919 --> 01:30:27,754 Your Worship, this is not, whatever might at first appear... 1450 01:30:27,797 --> 01:30:31,165 ...your ordinary run-of-the-mill brawl between a clergyman... 1451 01:30:31,217 --> 01:30:35,006 ...and an advertising practitioner, disguised as an archbishop... 1452 01:30:35,138 --> 01:30:36,549 ...in a television studio. 1453 01:30:36,848 --> 01:30:39,511 No. My client claims that the plaintiff... 1454 01:30:39,559 --> 01:30:42,643 ...was responsible for his wife starting divorce proceedings. 1455 01:30:42,729 --> 01:30:44,595 No! He wasn't responsible. 1456 01:30:44,689 --> 01:30:45,930 Well, it wasn't me, darling. 1457 01:30:46,107 --> 01:30:47,939 Kindly address your remarks to the court. 1458 01:30:48,193 --> 01:30:50,059 It wasn't me, darling. 1459 01:30:51,529 --> 01:30:52,895 Then who was responsible? 1460 01:30:54,074 --> 01:30:56,566 That Swedish slag! 1461 01:30:56,660 --> 01:30:59,619 Mmm. I have, er... evidence of... 1462 01:30:59,829 --> 01:31:03,118 ...Scottish porridge, but, erm... Swedish slag..? 1463 01:31:03,458 --> 01:31:04,289 HER! 1464 01:31:04,376 --> 01:31:09,292 She is responsible. She spent the night with him in Kaplan's flat. 1465 01:31:09,547 --> 01:31:12,790 But nothing happened with Mr Brown that night - I swear it didn't. 1466 01:31:12,926 --> 01:31:15,168 It was Mr Kaplan I was in bed with. 1467 01:31:15,345 --> 01:31:19,305 See, in England, "in bed with" means, um, it means, um... 1468 01:31:19,307 --> 01:31:21,674 It don't mean "gardening", buster! 1469 01:31:21,726 --> 01:31:24,719 No, I still don't seem to have any documents on slag. 1470 01:31:24,771 --> 01:31:27,416 If nothing happened, how come you were in the Miss Goldilocks competition... 1471 01:31:27,440 --> 01:31:30,080 ...when my husband said he'd bought your plane ticket to Stockholm? 1472 01:31:30,110 --> 01:31:31,396 Sir! Sir! 1473 01:31:32,195 --> 01:31:34,152 Please, sir - can I say something? 1474 01:31:34,739 --> 01:31:36,446 The child of the union, sir. 1475 01:31:36,741 --> 01:31:38,653 Oh. Oh, yes - by all means. 1476 01:31:38,702 --> 01:31:40,659 Please, sir - I entered Inga. 1477 01:31:42,622 --> 01:31:44,204 You entered Inga?! 1478 01:31:46,126 --> 01:31:48,493 - How old is this child? - Your Worship... 1479 01:31:48,712 --> 01:31:50,499 ...I think I can explain. 1480 01:31:51,548 --> 01:31:52,914 On second thoughts, I... 1481 01:31:53,299 --> 01:31:54,915 ...don't think I can explain. 1482 01:31:55,301 --> 01:31:58,214 For the competition. I felt I owed her something... 1483 01:31:58,346 --> 01:32:00,884 - ...because of her knickers. - Knickers? 1484 01:32:01,933 --> 01:32:05,722 I seem to have a peculiarly inadequate briefing on this particular, erm... 1485 01:32:06,271 --> 01:32:10,356 ...um, Mr Slocombe - do knickers constitute an exhibit? 1486 01:32:10,734 --> 01:32:12,691 Not to my knowledge, Your Worship. 1487 01:32:12,861 --> 01:32:17,071 Of course... I could ask the young person to favour Your Worship with a, er... 1488 01:32:17,574 --> 01:32:20,386 - ...glimpse of the, er... - Oh, no, no, Mr Slocombe. 1489 01:32:20,410 --> 01:32:22,090 The more I hear of this case... 1490 01:32:22,162 --> 01:32:25,781 ...the more certain I become that restraint is necessary on all sides. 1491 01:32:25,874 --> 01:32:31,211 Rarely - to the best of my belief - have I been subjected to such a catalogue of... 1492 01:32:31,254 --> 01:32:33,120 ...violence and licentiousness. 1493 01:32:34,090 --> 01:32:37,800 For the Crown...110569

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