Original subtitles

[lively instrumental music]

Good evening.

I'm Helen Mirren,

and you're watching "Documentary Now!" season 51.

Acclaimed monologist Parker Gail

made memoir into theater for over 30 years.

But when he teamed up with director Harrison Renzi in 1987,

memoir, theater, and documentary merged

to produce a classic

We now proudly present Parker Gail's

"Location is Everything."

[uptempo synth music]

[indistinct chatter]

[footsteps approaching]

I learned we were being forced out of our loft on Broome Street

when my girlfriend Ramona and l were lying in bed

one Sunday morning in January.

It was 10 degrees outside

and the radiator pipes were clanging...

Like there were little Dutchmen inside them with hammers,

swinging as they pivot left to right

like some sort of pre-war SoHo heat pipe cuckoo clock.

And I started to free-associate about the little Dutchmen

living in my pipes.

What do they do during the summer

when the heat was off?

Whether they summered in the kitchen faucet

to make it sputter... tch, tch, tch, tch.

Like the sprinkler we had growing up

in Foster-Glooester, Rhode Island,

the summer my father left.

And I would sit on the lawn with my brother, Chipper,

and we would watch the sprinkler have this kind of

schizophrenic argument with itself.

You know, it would spray one way... tch, tch, tch, tch.

And then its head would shake the other way...

And meanwhile, my parents were inside

?guring out how to tell the kids.

And then I realized I'm not just free-associating.

I'm actually... I'm actually talking out loud.

And Ramona says, "Cool it with the sprinkler sounds, Parker!

"Look at this!

They're building a Stereo City here."

And I say, "What's so surprising about that?

"The neighborhood's turning over.

"The ?ophouses now sell designerjeans

and the discotheques are now selling froyo."

[light laughter]

And Ramona says, "No, Parker,

"they're not building a Stereo City in our neighborhood,

"they're building one here!

59 Broome Street!"

And she shows me the "New York Daily News"

Approved plans for our building to be torn down

and for a temple of speakers and CD towers

and cassette tapes and earphones

to be built on the very site where we were just making love.

And I should tell you,

i-it had been my loft at ?rst.

Okay?

And when I met Ramona, she sort of...

she sort of colonized the place, you know,

like a... like a feminine Neil Armstrong.

She came in and said, "I think a flower pot

would look nice by the window." Thunk!

Then suddenly, her blouses and cold cream

and Sucret Tins and mohair throws

were all over the apartment,

until one day she said, "Parker!

"If you insist I sleep here every night,

"and if! have to keep all my stuff here,

"then I should stop paying rent on my apartment

and just move in, right?"

And that is how I asked Ramona to live with me.

No. No. No, no, no.

that is not what happened.

Okay, hi, I'm Ramona,

and that is not what happened.

He begged me to move in with him.

He begged me.

For starters, I never liked sleeping there.

It's a seven-story walk-up.

It smelled like yogurt.

He would eat plain yogurt in the bed

and then chuck the containers over the dresser

and yell, "Bye-bye, yogurt!"

So I say, "Parker, I don't think I can sleep here anymore."

He starts crying.

He says he's terri?ed to sleep there alone

because there are tiny Dutchmen that live in the heat pipes.

And I say, "Okay, Parker, that's very clever.

You're free-associating."

And then he said, "I'm not free-associating

"I truly believe that there are tiny Dutchmen

"banging hammers in my heat pipes.

They summer in the kitchen and they're going to kill me."

[laughs]

lwas like...

I mean, you know, being single in New York, it's like...

[groans]

I mean, he was kind of cute, you know,

and he liked dancing, so...

I didn't want to break up.

The next day,

we get a letter from our landlord.

"59 Broome Street's being turned into a Stereo City.

Our building is being demolished."

The plans for the construction are these.

The building next door starts being torn down that day.

And that's when Ramona's environmental illness kicks in.

Ramona has environmental illness,

which means she's allergic to the environment,

which is all groovy ifyou live above the ozone layer,

but if you're stuck down here, sorry, Sally.

Ramona says her head hurts.

Ramona says her stomach hurts.

Ramona says the room is spinning.

Ramona goes for the door

and runs down to the urgent care clinic

on Sixth Avenue.

She has that Jewish thing

of when in doubt, hospital!

- Uh-uh. I don't have environmental illness,

okay?

I keep getting food poisoning

constantly because Parker refuses to eat at anywhere

that doesn't have a $4 entree.

Also, I walked to the hospital

because Parker refused to pay for a cab.

Also, not everything that I do is because I'm Jewish,

and he may want to watch it with that.

Anyway, I'm being kicked out of my home.

Home.

Home going away.

Father�s moving out,

and suddenly, I'm back in that summer

in Foster-Glocester, Rhode Island,

when my father sat us on the wicker furniture

on the front porch and told us

he was going to live somewhere else

with another woman,

and that Mother and Father would not be together anymore.

He was 30 when his parents got divorced.

And I want my mother and father to be together,

and... and my brother, Chipper, he takes me by the hand

and... and... and we leave the house

and we head to the... the Foster Fair,

a big summer fair with a Tilt-A-Whirl

and cotton candy and... and tears are stinging my cheeks

and I hear the hot dog vendor.

The hot dog vendor, he's yelling,

"Hot dogs! Hot dogs!"

And Chippefs telling me everything's gonna be okay.

"Parker, don't you worry."

And "Hot dogs! Hot dogs!"

"Don't worry," Chipper says.

"It'll be like having two homes."

"Hot dogs! Hot dogs!

Hot dogs!"

[screaming]

And even though we were never allowed food between meals,

my brother bought me two frankfu rters.

With mustard.

And... I ate them up.

I ate them up.

l guzzled up a cream soda

and, oh, I'm in bliss.

And then I realize that... the table is wobbling!

This is not part of the monologue.

This is a real problem for me.

Guys?

Someone come in here and ?x the table

or I won't be able to concentrate on my monologue

or be able to free-associate

or recall the time I made oral love to my Russian roommate.

And the table is ?xed,

order�s restored,

and I can now move on with the monologue.

Actually, too much water.

l have to go to the bathroom.

[door rattling]

I need to go to the bathroom.

[door latches]

[aerosol spraying]

[can clatters]

We have to move.

Ramona wanted to move to one of these elevator buildings

with the green awnings.

You know, the kind that always have a neo�Greek name

like "The Promethean"?

But where to move?

York Avenue?

First Avenue?

Second Avenue?

Third Avenue?

Park?

Madison? Fifth Avenue?

Avenue of the Americas?

B roadway?

And... I'm ovenNhelmed by this.

I'm overwhelmed.

l have to... l have to... l have to get out.

l have to move. I have to...

l have to ground myself.

So I go to the park and I begin to practice tai chi.

I'm focusing on my breath.

The ?uid movement while I do the water srgn.

And a little boy, he... comes up to me.

And he says,

"What are you doing, mister?"

I'm practicing tai chi.

"Is that like ?ghting, mister?"

It's sort of like fighting,

but it's... fighting yourself;

fighting your own inner voioe.

"Inner voice? You mean, like...

like... like a Walkman with stereo headphones?"

I say, "No, it's a moving meditation."

"Wow, mister.

T-They don't teach that in the ?fth grade."

They sure don't.

And he walked away, rolling a tire.

- Yeah, dude,

I'm not in ?fth grade.

I'm in high school.

I've had, like, full sex.

And l-l don't call people "mister"

'cause I'm an idiot from some black-and-white movie.

So me, Robbie, and AJ were skateboarding

near the public stairs

and then there's this old lady-looking dork-ass

standing there doing slow karate.

And we're like, "Move."

And he's like, "This is tai chi."

And we're like, "No one gives a shit."

So he... he was eating his lunch in this Tupperware.

He said it was his special meal.

And so we took it and just, like, chucked it at this statue.

So... So that's how that went down.

- So Ramona and I checked the real estate listings

and there are ?ve apartments we want to see.

This is something else.

Five apartments we want to see.

One, two, three, four, five.

Now, I have to meet Ramona, but ?rst,

I want to see my analyst.

You know, I d... I don't feel centered, you know.

I'm about to face these... these new apartments

and l... I can't make any kind of rational decision

with this monkey-mind thinking in my brain, and...

my analyst, you know, he's one of these great

elderly Freudian types, you know.

He has a very authoritative manner and he says...

" Parker,

"moving isn't your problem

"because wherever you go,

your brain will follow."

- I'm not a psychiatrist.

I work at a walk-in clinic.

Parker came in for a ?u shot like nine years ago

and now he shows up once a week.

We normally have him lie down and let him use the bathroom.

- Now, I have meet Ramona, so I wandered down the subway

and I'm descending the stairs like I'm going into a great womb

and... and I'm back in the womb and I discover l have no tokens.

l have no tokens!

Because this is a womb you pay to get into,

whereas in birth, you pay when you leave.

No refunds.

[moderate laughter]

I say to the woman in the booth...

her name's Darlene...

l... I see a kindness in her eyes

and I say, "I don't have a token,

"but I... I need to get on the train.

"I need to... I need to escape.

I need to escape my life."

And she says,

"l... I can't let you do that or I'll lose my job,

"but... there's a bodega just up the stairs.

"Get change.

"I'll be here, Parker.

You'll get where you need to go."

- Hold up. [electronic chime]

[train passing]

Attention:

This old George Washington lookin' ass

tried to jump the turnstile.

I had to get out of my booth and put down my puzzle.

I had to grab him and pull him back over the turnstile,

and then he starts crying.

I say, "What is wrong with you as a person?"

And he says, "I have to move from one loft to another loft."

Well, I'm like, "God, give me strength

to deal with these people, 'cause I cannot."

I'm gonna just not show up one day to this job.

You think I'm lying,

but one day, I'm not gonna be there

and everyone can run their own goddamn subway.

Gettin' yelled at all the time.

And then I'm in a monologue? No.

[train passing]

[electronic chime]

- So I rush out of the subway station

and l duck into a bodega to get some change.

I need to break a $5 bill,

so I buy some ofthose big orange circus peanuts.

And just as I'm about to free-associate about the circus,

I see the bodega has a little cat living there.

[tribal ?ute music]

And he stares into my eyes.

And I stare into his eyes.

And from his perch on top of a can of Goya beans,

telepathically, he says to me,

"Why are you here?"

I'm here for change.

And the cat says to me, "Change comes from within."

[quirky guitar music]

[toilet ?ushing]

Finally, I get to the apartment.

Ramona�s waiting for me outside.

She's upset because she thinks she's about to have her period

and Mercury's in... retrograde, or something.

- No, I had a cyst burst.

I called Parker, but he was getting beat up

by some skater kids.

-And it's a large apartment on Allen Street

in Chinatown...

a whole ?oor of this building,

and... the super lets us in,

and he... you know, he's one of these great African characters

out of a Kipling story, you know.

And he says,

"These apartments going fast.

"Nothing stays open in this city for long.

"But before I show you around,

here, smoke this spliff."

And he hands me one of these

big kah u na , blast-you-to�the�Milky Way

joints, you know.

And I know I shouldn't do it.

All my mental problems get highly exacerbated by grass,

but I ?gure... When in Rome.

Or in this case,

when in Chinatown with a Nigerian super,

right?

So I take a puff and zoom!

lamoff!

I'm at warp speed, baby!

Jupiter, Uranus, Pluto... see ya, fellas!

I'm in the nether regions of space

and it's like being back in the womb again.

All my Oedipal themes come back to me.

I'm in the mother of space and I see these green dots.

These green dots are coming to me.

But they're not green dots.

They're little aliens.

And they say, "Who are you?"

And I say, "I'm Parker Gail. I do monologues."

"0h, like plays?"

Not really.

"Oh, so like stand-up comedy?"

You know, i... it... you...

"Well, that doesn't sound very good."

And they put me in this giant space cannon,

and they shoot me back to Earth and zoom!

And voom!

I'm back.

Nine hours have passed.

I've been curled up on the ?oor the entire time.

Awhole open house has happened.

Different couples had to step over me on the floor.

And the superintendent, he...

he looked down at me and he said,

" Parker,

"this is not your home.

Go. Find where you belong."

- Hi.

I'm not African.

But it's ?ne.

I'm happy to be included in your little show.

I did show him the apartment

and...

there was no big kahuna joint.

He went into the bathroom and got high,

then lied about it.

[light clicks]

- And I wander back to our loft.

The building next to it's already been torn down.

Signs for Stereo City already up.

And I realize I'm not mourning the loss of the loft.

I'm... l'm mourning the loss of the ?rst home I ever had

on Runyon Road in Foster-Glocester, Rhode Island,

the home with the wicker furniture

where my parents sat us down and said,

"If there's one reason we're splitting up,

it's your brother Parker."

And I enter my apartment and l...

and I not only ?nd Ramona,

but my brother and my sister, and...

and they're sitting in a circle, and I say...

l... I say, "What is this?"

And Ramona said,

"Sit down, mate.

What we got here is an intervention."

- Dude, I'm not from the Outback.

What are these accents?

Why were you even surprised?

I plan an intervention for you,

like, once, maybe twice a year.

I should have my own intervention planning business.

- So they're all there

and they tell me, "Parker,

"you need to stop spinning out

"into these anxiety attacks.

"We want you to go 60 seconds

without free-associating yourself into a panic!"

60 seoonds.

Okay.

I can do that.

But I have no concept of 60 seconds, you see,

so... so I picture an enormous clock.

And I'm...

And I'm watching the hands of the clock move

and the... and the hour hand is moving slow and steady

like the tortoise, and the minute hand is running

and running and mnning like the hare.

But really, when I think about it,

the minute hand isn't running... it's winding.

It's winding up like Sandy Koufax at Ebbets Field and...

shit, I'm definitely free-associating,

but I don't care, baby.

There's the roar of the crowd because someone hits a home run!

And it's a home run!

It's a home run and I'm running home!

I'm running home!

Down the road to Foster-Glocester,

and the headlights are coming towards me.

They're coming toward me. I can't ?nd home!

I can't ?nd home because my home is a Stereo City!

Now my former home, it's speakers thumping,

and now it's a disootheque, and someone passes me something.

I know I shouldn't smoke it,

but what's bad for the brain is good for the hips.

And now I'm dancing, baby!

I'm dancing, baby!

And I just remembered there's a camera on the ceiling!

Hi, buddy boy! How's it going?

And I'm movin' and I'm groovin' and l collapse of perspiration

because I'm home.

I'm home.

I'm home. I'm home.

And I come to.

And my brother is laughing.

He's laughing because only 15 seconds have passed

and lfree-associated so hard that l shit my pants.

And Ramona is crying.

gt.� 3% ef

-And I look up and I see...

I see my mother and father are there.

They've come together so long after their divorce to...

to be with their son.

- Not true.

Not true.

We were never divorced, god damn it.

- In my life, I never bought wicker furniture.

It creaks and...

- Parker, get it through your head.

We've been married 55 years

and this littlejerk

tells people we divorced so he can have attention.

- He's creative.

- The man's 45 years old

and eats yogurt all day.

And we should get in the car now

if we're gonna make it back out of the city

at a reasonable hour.

- My family, my home

is here, I realize.

It's here.

And I hug Ramona,

then try to go down on her.

- Worst moment of my life.

-And the next day, I take Ramona by the hand...

-And we sign a lease on that apartment in Chinatown,

'cause as they say,

location...

is everything.

[clears throat] And yeah.

So...

that's all I have to say.

- Okay.

Mr. Gail, it says here you have served seven years

of a ten-year sentence for burning down Stereo City.

Parole is not granted at this time.

- Uh-huh.

- Though, could you name

all the different avenues again, please?

- What? - I'm kidding.

- Mr. Gail, you will be remanded until such a time

as you are eligible again in 15 months.

- Okay. Can I... Can I go to the bathroom again?

- Okay.

[somber accordion music]

[toilet ?ushes]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0