Original subtitles

DENISE: Kris, we're going to Sergio's now.

Yeah, although not definitely there, could possibly go somewhere else.

You gonna be okay?

Kris? I could just stay in tonight.

KRIS: Yes, I'm fine for the billionth time.

Come on, he's 15. You're overdoing it,

he doesn't wanna be treated like a kid.

Oh really? Kris,

would you like me to bring you back some Kinder eggs?

Kris?

KRIS: Uh, yeah, please, actually. That would be great.

Now you're gonna have to stop for Kinder eggs.

Oh, I have just had a great idea.

Sushi.

I think the Japanese already had that idea.

[CHUCKLES]

No, no, let's go and eat some, I really got a craving for it.

Come on, aw, eh? Sushi?

No, we're meeting friends in 20 minutes at another restaurant

and we're already running late.

Call them, see if they wanna detour to Yen Sushi.

-That's in Bath. -So?

You said you wanted to stay local 'cause you've been travelling all day.

Yeah, but now that I'm in the car...

That's absurd. We will never get a table.

Yen Sushi, where did that come from?

All right. Sergio's it is.

Fair enough. I'm just trying to be spontaneous.

Can we not stay too late though 'cause I think I'm coming down with something.

Swallowing. Hurts when I swallow.

Right. Um...

Ooh, hello, uh, we have a reservation under the name of Marsden

or it might be under Larkspur.

Certainly, Marsden, yes, table for three.

Oh, look, they're already here.

Andrew, get over here.

Sorry. Did you say table for three?

So, yeah, 8:00 o'clock.

Andrew?

Hi, Sam.

You know Rafiq?

-Hello. -Hi. [GIGGLES]

And this is Andrew.

-Andrew? -Sorry, sorry, miles away.

-Rafiq, hello. -Hello.

You must be Sameera, how lovely to meet you.

Um, I hope you don't mind but we went ahead and ordered a bottle of wine.

No, no, not at all. I'm sure Andrew will have a glass.

-SAMEERA: Oh, but not you? -No, no, I don't drink, anymore.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

-What? -[GIGGLES]

I think Rafiq was sitting there, Andrew.

Oh, was he?

Oh well, I'm sure you don't mind do you, Rafiq?

Uh, no, no, it's fine. I'll sit here.

Problem solved.

-Do you want to... -Yeah, that'd be great.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, oh, excuse me.

-What is it? -Oh, I don't believe this.

Call me ASAP. Guess who?

His boss.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to take this. I'll just be one moment.

Oh, you can take it here, I don't mind.

Thank you.

Andrew's got this thing about talking in front of other people

on mobile phones. He thinks it's rude, he won't do it.

Honestly, it took me forever to try and get him to use one.

Don't get him started on Facebook or Twitter.

Oh God, he won't even let Kris on it.

In fact, he won't even allow Kris his own mobile phone.

It's like living in the 1890s in our house.

Or 1990s, even.

-Well, I'd be happy with that. -[ALL CHUCKLING]

Hi, this is a longshot

but I meant to ask. I was in here last week and I left a briefcase in here,

has anybody handed it in?

No sir, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, uh, would you mind looking for me?

Because, uh, someone might have left it in the back office or something.

Sorry, I haven't seen a briefcase.

Yeah, I mean... Well it was last week so, um...

Right. I can't help you sir,

-we don't even have a back office. -Yeah, it's sort of black

with brown... It's, it's you know, it's white... It's mainly white.

It's got a strap, it's got handles.

I don't know what you want me to do, sir.

Well, I want you to fucking look for it, obviously. Fuck sake...

Sorry, I'm sorry. I just...

It's got sentimental value so...

I'll go speak to my manager.

Yeah, thank you so much, I really do appreciate that.

Oh, no!

KIM'S VOICEMAIL: Hi. This is Kim Marsden. Sorry I missed your call.

Leave me your name and number and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Bye.

-[BEEPS] -Hey, Kim,

greetings from Espana, ole. [LAUGHS]

Uh, the hotel's a bit shit but I suppose that was to be expected.

I've got a room right next to quite a busy road, um,

and you talked to Peter about the potholes.

Uh, should I be jealous?

Um, but maybe you two should get a petition going.

Well done. And talking of well done, I really do think

that you deserve that steak.

I do.

I mean, think of all the times you had to do stuff that you didn't wanna do for Amy?

And they have a really good salad bar at the Crown & Anchor

because I read about it online.

-[MEN SINGING] -Honestly, this road, its' so noisy.

And, and there seem to be English people everywhere.

And here's the clincher, it's on me.

Yeah, I rang ahead and I left my credit card details.

So go ahead and splash out and I wish I could be there.

Oh, wait that's, that's maintenance at my door.

One sec, one second. Hola, hola,

yes I have a real problem with the window,

I want to shut the window 'cause it's very noisy.

Yeah, I gotta go, this guy doesn't speak a word of English.

So, uh, look I love you

and please do go for that steak on me.

Please? And, uh, text me if you wanna let me know where you are.

Don't call me because I forgot to put my phone on charge.

All right? I love you, bye.

Oh, God, 58 minutes, okay.

-[LINE RINGING] -WOMAN : Directory. Which number?

Yeah, the Crown & Anchor, please?

[ALL GIGGLING]

Oh, you are not going to believe this.

That inappropriate rude word of a boss of mine,

wants me to rewrite my entire Cardiff Bay piece tonight.

-DENISE: What? -Sorry guys, we're gonna have to go.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, no we don't.

We're not going anywhere, he can wait.

Well, that's what I said darling, but he was rather adamant.

Trust me, he doesn't know what adamant means.

Well, I hope he does because he's my editor. [LAUGHS]

You're staying here and we're gonna eat dinner.

-But I... -Either you tell him or I will.

Darling, I don't like it any more than you do.

Then give me the phone and I'll call him.

Yeah, yeah, you're right, yeah.

Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna stay and have dinner. Yeah.

-Now who does he think he is? -Good for you.

I am sorry, sir, I couldn't locate a briefcase.

Oh, okay.

Thank you. Weird.

-What was all that about? -I dunno.

Maybe she thinks I'm Noel Edmonds [LAUGHS].

[ALL LAUGH]

Right, come on then, let's order. I know what I want. Waiter?

Slow down. We haven't even looked at the menus yet.

Oh, who needs a menu? It's Italian. It's pizza, pasta,

sardines, lasagne, you know the sort of thing, am I right?

Waiter, yeah, four mozzarella starters, please?

What do you want, Salmon? Ravioli? Pasta? Ravioli?

[DENISE LAUGHS]

-DENISE: Right, your turn. -I'm finished.

Oh no, that's too hard

but if I could only pick one, then rugby.

No wait, low fat cottage cheese. [LAUGHS]

This game doesn't make any sense to me.

-It's, it's fun. -It's stupid.

-What's wrong with you? -I told you, I'm not feeling very well.

Well that's what happens when you eat your food too fast.

Well it's better than eating too slow, if you ask me. That's just rude.

-You can talk. -I'm just--

Just being a pain.

-Sameera, do you cook? -SAMEERA: Yes, I do.

Um, I'm not great but I do like to experiment.

She's a very good cook. Your soups are brilliant.

Aw, I bet you've got a lovely kitchen to cook those soups in as well.

Yeah, well you can stop there actually

because Sameera, it's not really about whether you're a good cook or not.

Denise wants a new kitchen

and she's brought it up in a hope that you'll back her up. So...

Oh.

Um, right. I think I'll just run to the ladies.

Excuse me.

I, I'll come with you.

[DENISE AND SAMEERA WHISPER]

This asparagus is very good.

Huh? What? Oh, the asparagus.

-Yeah, it's very good. -Hmm.

Yeah. So, um, Denise told Sameera

that you write those mysterious traveller books.

-Anonymous traveller. -Right. Yes, of course, sorry.

I, I read the one where you followed the original spice trail.

Really interesting.

-Thank you. -I enjoyed it.

And, and you really are anonymous? No one knows who you are?

-Yep. -Why?

Well, because I wanna be able to honestly assess

all the experiences and to be able to do that

I need to be able to be treated like anyone else.

Well, that makes sense.

Yeah, it must be kinda cool though to do all that travelling

and not have to pay for it.

Um, well, I spend six months

of the year away from Denise and Kris and the other six months

listening to them complain about it. So...

-That sounds hard. -It's not ideal.

Can't remember the last time I went on holiday.

Yeah, it's not a holiday, it's a work.

I work for a living. So,

that's how I'm able to provide for my families.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it... Families?

Excuse me?

You said, I provide for my families.

Uh, security... Family's security.

You didn't let me finish.

Is everything okay?

Um, yeah, you know, yeah. I'm just trying to...

Just trying to work something out.

Yeah, you're right, look at me.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Look at me.

I'm sweating like a suicide bomber going through customs.

[LAUGHS] No offence.

-None taken. -Great.

Why would you think that I might take offence?

Because you're a Muslim.

Although not a very good one obviously

because you're sat here drinking.

No,

oh, yeah, you're right, these are good asparagus.

Asparagus? Asparaguses? Asparagi? Asparagai?

What did you just say?

I'm trying to think of the plural of asparagus.

No, not that. Why would I take offence to you saying suicide bomber

-because I'm a Muslim? -Uh, because it's a common stereotype.

I mean, I, I didn't make that up, that's just, you know,

9/11, 7/7, Salman Rushdie,

the Munich Olympics and infinitum.

I mean, I don't think that you and Sameera are terrorists.

-Ooh. Well, thank you. -You're welcome.

But if you knew that Sameera and I are Muslim...

I did, that's why I said no offence.

-Because you didn't wanna offend us? -Right.

Then don't make offensive remarks.

Well, hey, I don't think you're all terrorists,

neither does Denise, God, no.

-Okay. -I mean,

[MIMICKING MUSLIM CHANTING] Allah Hu Akbar, no.

You know, I'm just saying that some people do have that opinion, you know,

racists, UKIP members,

some Danish cartoonists.

But clearly, you don't take being a Muslim that seriously

'cause your sat here drinking.

Woah, look, uh, plenty of Muslims drink alcohol,

so maybe you should educate yourself

about different cultures before you make a fool of yourself.

Okay, well, clearly I've upset you so

I think it's probably best if Denise and I go.

Please tell her I'll be in the car.

No, no, no, no, no. Look,

why don't we just say that it came out wrong

and change the subject, hmm?

Okay.

Hmm.

[SIGHS]

Hmm, you know what?

I think the plural of asparagus is asparagus...

-Right. -...or asparaguses. You can have both

but not asparagai. No.

To be honest I really don't know a lot of Arabs

so it's great to meet you two.

We're not Arab.

Oh well, thank God for small mercies.

[LAUGHS] My God, I mean.

Not all Muslims are Arabs

and not all Arabs are Muslims.

Right. Because that's worse.

What? Uh, worse? Worse than what?

Muslims.

No, no, no. It's, it's not worse,

-it's just different. -Right. Yeah, come on, is it?

Yes.

Come on, is it though, really?

Yes it is. And, and for Arabs to be worse than Muslims...

-Yeah. -...you'd already have to think that Muslims are bad.

No, no, I meant for you, you know, in terms of lazy stereotypes.

Uh, what's the difference anyway?

Look, Muslims embrace the religion of Islam. Now...

-Yeah. -...now the Arabs live in a part of the world

known as Arabia. So I'd appreciate it if you didn't call us Arabs.

Yeah, hey, don't worry. I'm not gonna call you a towel head.

-What the fuck is your problem? -Hey, what?

Raf?

What, what, what's going on?

I don't know, we were just sitting here talking.

Talking. He made a string of racist and Islamophobic remarks.

-I did not. -Andrew's not racist.

Raf, come on?

He, he said that he was sweating like a suicide bomber going through Customs.

Yeah, I heard that on a sitcom, I didn't think that was racist.

Well, it's in bad taste but I don't think it's racist.

[STAMMERING] And then he said, no offence.

-Hmm? -No offence?

-As in? -I hope this doesn't offend you.

It, it was, it was, it was the tone. It was the tone.

And, and, and then he said that he wouldn't call me a towel head.

He thought that all Muslims are Arabs.

Oh, well no, I apologised for that and that was ignorance, that was not racism.

Oh come on, I don't think for a minute that you're ignorant.

-Thank you. -I think you did it on purpose.

-[MOBILE VIBRATES] -Raf, come on.

Well... That is it.

-Andrew? -No, I'm sorry, Denise,

I'm not gonna sit and listen to that. I'm sorry.

He's an arsehole.

[EXHALES IN RELIEF]

I'm so sorry, Rafiq.

I know Andrew is a lot of things but he's, he's not racist.

And also I know his jokes are not always funny.

Hardly ever, in fact, so I can only apologise. But, yeah.

[CHUCKLING IN RELIEF]

Found the briefcase.

Perhaps we should just call a night, okay?

Hey, hey, hey. Where you going?

You haven't finished your food yet.

-Um... -No, no, no, please, please sit down. Listen...

Rafiq's still a bit upset, Andrew,...

I know, and he has every right to be

because I was crass and I was insensitive,

and, uh, I apologise, sincerely.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Listen, it would make me feel so much better

if you'd stay and have some dessert, please?

Please?

Come on.

Would you like to share a tiramisu?

Is that supposed to be a symbol of black and white peaceful co-existence?

[SNICKERS]

Yes!

Yes. That's exactly what... [LAUGHS]

[ALL BURST INTO LAUGHTER]

Waiter? Oh, fuck!

Yes, Simone we are a little bit late, we can...

Oh, Andrew, what you doing?

Um, I, I think I dropped my phone.

Oh, no, no it's here. Andrew?

Is it? You sure?

Yes. Andy? Andrew?

Andrew?

Oh shit, shit, shit.

[VOICE DISTORTED] Hello?

Andy?

Hello?

Andrew? Hello?

Andy?

You all right?

Um, yeah.

Darling, you look terrible.

I think I'm gonna have to go, I'm sorry.

He did say he was coming down with something in the car on the way here.

I think it might've been the asparagus, plural.

Do we still have that bottle of Gaviscon?

Oh.

Um, look I'm gonna leave some money.

I'm so sorry and, and I'll give you a call. Sorry.

-Take care. -Sorry.

I've eaten loads of these.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

You okay, sweetheart?

Penny for them?

I love you.

Are you sure you don't want me to drive?

Oh, I'd love you to, but it's better for the environment like this.

I don't know why you insist on having two cars.

-Look after your mother, will you? -Course I will.

I wish I was going to Dubrovnik with you.

Me too.

-This making you uncomfortable yet? -Yeah.

Homework.

Hey.

[BREATHING EXCITEDLY]

I...

I love you. I love you both so much.

We love you too.

[SIGHS]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

ANDREW: Bristol, population almost half a million people.

God, I wish there were more restaurants.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES]