Original subtitles

ANDREW: Kim, Kim have you seen my blue suit jacket?

Vlad? Vlad?

-ANDREW: Kim? -Vlad?

Yes?

Oh, um, are you gonna take these photos down or should we, or...

Oh, Mrs Marsden, don't you worry,

my men and me, we'll take care of everything.

-[SIGHS] -[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Stupid kitchen. Oh Kim, have you seen my blue suit jacket?

Ah, it's upstairs in the wardrobe.

-I already looked up there. -Well, look again.

And now have some water taps for you to look at

-Master Marsden please, please? -Oh, uh, yeah.

Yeah. Uh, all right. I'm sure they're fine,

whatever my wife wants. She's the boss.

I will show them to you then.

I need someone to sign this form for me.

I'm busy right now, get your dad to do it, he's the writer.

Ah, what is this for?

Um, I think it's used to keep you warm

while making you look respectable.

Funny.

I told you, the International Science Fair.

International? In Wales?

Does that even count? You wanna check the Trade Descriptions Act.

-Just sign it, dad. -Wales, it's hardly...

Just sign it.

Ooh, uh, where's my carry-on?

KIM: It's in front of the door, where you always put it.

-Andrew? -Uh, yeah.

This kitchen extension's already doing my head in. All this

and a bunch of random Polish men traipsing in and out all day.

But I don't think they're Polish actually.

Remember you said these guys would be even cheaper than the Poles?

Whatever. This whole thing's a pain.

We have needed to do this forever,

so I need you to look at these and tell me which one you like the best?

-I like them both. -You can't have them both. Just make a decision.

Uh...

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I don't speak Latvian

but if what you just said is, do I wanna sheet over that bookcase? I do.

Oh, yes, yes please. Yes.

Uh, that would be brilliant, especially this bookcase,

I have some first editions there that are very important to me.

-What? Oh. -Are you gonna be back Friday or Saturday,

'cause someone needs to be here for the doors.

Saturday, although I may have to stay a little bit longer.

-Uh, what? -Yeah, I said I might.

But the chance is I may have to do this extra piece.

-Andrew? -It's about a nun who kite surfs.

That is so not cool.

It kind of is, 'cause she's nearly 80.

-That's not what I mean. -Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

Well, the cash will come in handy

and I'll probably only be gone for five, six days,

seven tops, eight absolute maximum.

There's a lot going on here and there's a lot of people.

Hey, you'll be fine Kim, you'll be great.

And there's only three of them.

There's four, there's four.

-VLAD: Mrs Marsden? -So, what is it this time?

Bilbao, the world's third oldest chorizo festival.

Oh, that's literally the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

Do you know what they put in sausages?

-Yeah, I do actually. -It's like, bones, pork, faecal matter.

Hey, all right, okay, I get it. I'll bring you back as much as I can.

-No. -Hey, Chrissy,

I need you to look after your mum, okay?

You know how she gets with too many people around.

Too many people.

-That's not nice. -I know. I'm sorry. Okay.

Ooh, has anyone seen my...

Hey, great, okay, good.

Looks like I'm ready to go.

Ah, Vlad, I mean Pavo, that's my husband's office,

it's off limits, nothing personal.

Hey, ho-ho, no, hello.

Yes, thank you, it's locked, it's locked, thank you.

Dad, oh my God, that is so racist.

How is that racist? I just don't want him to go in there.

Oh 'cause they'll steal all your stuff because they're Latvian?

-I didn't say that. -You didn't have to.

-You thought it with your mind. -I did not.

And I'd lock the door even if they were white.

They are white. Oh, my God, mum!

Honey, your dad may be a lot of things but he's not a racist.

Okay, here we are.

Andrew Marsden, EasyJet flying

to Bilbao, Spain, departure 14:35

arrival 17:25, got it.

-I can drive if you wanna. I have time. -You can't you're blocked in.

-Well, I can take your car. -The insurance.

Right. And I don't wanna drive all the way back into town

and then back home and then back into town again.

-I'm gonna miss you. -It's only five or six days or so,

seven top, eight absolute maximum.

All right, all right.

-Text me when you get in, okay? -Like I always do.

Like seriously dad, I do not want even

a slice of that foul Spanish sausage in this house.

Now look who's racist.

[SIGHS]

Going into town tonight?

Um, yeah, just dinner with Amy and Tanya.

Oh, Bristol's very own Thelma and other Thelma.

Should make for a nice evening of quiet, civil, political discord.

-Stop it. They're not that bad. -Where you going?

Uh, it's under discussion. Maybe that place in Clifton Village,

-the new one, or maybe Italian. -Yeah. You know,

you should check out the Crown & Anchor in Westbury, there's new people there.

Hmm, I think the idea was to go into town not out of it.

Yeah. Just that I read this article, they do Argentinian steak and you love steak so...

-Well, Amy's a vegan. -What? Since when?

Friday.

Well, I'm sure they can do her a salad.

You can't let her lifestyle choices dictate your diet. I mean, that's really selfish.

Well I'm not, I just... I wanna be sensitive

-because it's hard for her and... -Fuck that!

If you wanna steak, eat a steak.

Well, I didn't say that I did want a steak.

Right. No, um, I'm just saying Westbury's nice.

Well, we should go there when you get back, if you want.

Great. I mean, I'm not saying this for me,

I... You know, I just think if you wanna eat a steak then eat a steak.

But fine, yeah, go, no, no steak for you tonight.

-Go have fun. -Okay, I will.

You should go or you're gonna be late, okay.

And watch out for the potholes on the road.

-I love you. -I love you.

I love you both so much.

-You know that, don't you? -I do.

-I love you. -I love you.

[SOFT ROCK SONG PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUTTERS]

[CAR LOCK BEEPS]

[CAR LOCK BEEPS]

[EXHALES]

[SOFT ROCK SONG PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND]

-Hello. -Hey.

-Hi. -How you doing?

I'm good.

Welcome back to sunny Bristol.

-[CHUCKLES] -Oh. How was it?

Oh, you know, I'm sure it's not a patch on the world's second oldest chorizo festival.

-I missed you. -I missed you too.

-Dad. -There he is.

-Hey. -Hey.

-How's it going? -How you doing?

Ah, lovely to see you.

-What's that? -[ALL CHUCKLING]

ANDREW: First of all, I didn't plan for this to happen,

it, it just happened.

[BABY COOS]

and it just kept on happening.

You read about this sort of thing and you think, how is that possible?

Well, I happen to be a successful travel writer,

so I always have a ready-made excuse for my absences.

So, what is it this time?

ANDREW MARSDEN: Really, it's about the routine.

You just have to stick to the routine.

Kim and Christina, one week,

Denise and Kris the next.

Back and forth, over and over again.

And you have to keep track of the lies.

Five, six days, seven tops, eight absolute maximum.

For the most part that's enough.

For the most part.

How long you back for?

Five, six days or so.

Seven tops, eight absolute maximum.

-Five days? -Yeah, I said at least five days.

-Five? -Yeah.

-Kris, I've got something for you. -Eh?

Would you like something to eat or can you wait till later?

I tried to make some vegetable samosas.

Uh, no. Uh, I'm all right actually. I will, uh,

I'll wait for dinner.

Now, look at that.

Oh, um, thanks.

-You don't like it, do you? -No it's, it's cool, it's just, um...

You like planes, you collect them, that's a Spitfire.

Yeah, yeah, I know, it's just...

I'm 15 now. I don't play with this stuff anymore.

Besides I, um, I think I already had one like this.

I, I thought I'd lost it.

Yeah, right. Then, no, well that, that's why I got you that one as a replacement.

Oh, um, right, well, um, thanks, I, I guess.

I bet Kris told you not to touch these, didn't he?

-KRIS: No. -Yes, he did.

-Traitor. -Although the "I tried" part

of "I tried to cook samosas" did set off alarm bells.

Well, he had the first batch.

I actually think these are much better. It's not easy cooking in such a small oven.

Don't blame the oven, it's a fine oven.

It's not fine. And I've been asking you for a new kitchen for ages.

Oh, darling, these are delicious.

-Liar. -Oh.

[LAUGHS] They're, they're really, really... Whoo.

Such a terrible liar.

Anyway, that's good you won't spoil your appetite

-'cause we're going out for dinner later, remember? -Hmm.

Do, do you want some water?

Yeah, I remember, we're going out to dinner with, um...

-Who we going to dinner with? -Rafiq and Sameera,

-I told you, I met them in class. -Yes, Pilates, wasn't it?

-Yoghurt class. -Yoghurt class, really? How's that a class?

All right, clever clogs, how do you make yoghurt?

-Easy. I go to the shop and I buy it. -Hmm.

They've just moved here and they don't know anyone,

so I said I'd show them around, introduce them to Bristol.

Right, okay. But, um, uh,

just bear in mind that most people like to discover stuff on their own.

Oh, rather than read it from a guide book?

Yeah, all right. But I do know what I'm talking about.

That people don't like guide books?

No. That some people resent it when people try to tell them...

No, that's just you. These people are not antisocial freaks.

I'm not antisocial or a freak.

Hmm, that was a bit dramatic.

But, you know, I need to... well, I, I need a lot of things.

And I need to have a social life outside of this house.

I need to matter more and, you know, you're never here and...

Hey. You matter to me.

And Kris.

That is not what I meant, but thank you. Hmm.

Hey, I've just a really great idea.

Let's get Rameer and Sadiq over to ours, so we can make dinner here.

-Rafiq and Sameera. -Yeah.

That would be lovely but I've been stuck in the house all week

and the kitchen really is a bit of mess.

Besides, it will be nice to show them a bit of Bristol.

Can you not stay in a hotel that does laundry?

Oh, no I'll do it.

Jesus, Andrew!

-What? -The shirt smells of arse.

That's Spain. You're smelling Spain.

-So where's dinner? -Sergio's.

Oh, okay.

Right, that's, that's right in town.

-You sure you wanna go all the way into town? -Yeah, why not?

-Open the door. -Okay.

You sure they're allowed to eat Italian food?

Yeah, what do you mean? Of course, they can.

Okay. Because we could just go to Vijay's

if it needs to be halal, which I'm absolutely fine about. Actually, thinking about it,

is Italian food halal? I'm not sure it is, is it?

I'm sure they can eat Italian food, darling.

Right. Okay.

-It's broken. -Have to unlock it.

Oh, you're 100% sure about that?

Yes, I've been doing your laundry for a long time now.

No, I meant about the Italian food thing.

No, I'm not 100% sure.

Yeah, you see, it's not something you wanna make a mistake about.

Maybe it's best to go to Vijay's.

Just Google it.

You really wanna trust Wikipedia on this one?

-[GROANS] -Come on,

let's just go to Vijay's, keep it local.

-I'll text her. -Text what?

"Hey, Sameera, I'm just wondering if there's such a thing as halal pizza."

Come on. Let's just go to Vijay's.

I'll just say we're settling a bet. I'll blame you.

No, no, they're opposed to gambling.

You never see one in William Hill.

Look I, I just think maybe we really need

to be vigilant about not being racist, especially now.

Let's just play it safe and go to...

That's the dishwasher tablet.

Oh, well, it's all the same thing, isn't it?

Food on trousers, food on plate, it's still food.

-No, that goes in there. -Argh.

-[CHUCKLES] -[MOBILE VIBRATES]

Ooh, aha,

they love Italian food.

-Oh, great. -[GIGGLES]

[WASHMACHINE DOOR SHUTTING]

Tits.

Uh...

KRISTAPS: Miss, my dad wants to know if you wanted to take a look at those goose necks.

-Uh, what? -The, the bendy necks for the taps.

-Oh. -CHRISTINA: Mum, where's my bubble jumper?

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

-KRISTAPS: For the sink. -KRISTINA MARSDEN: Mum?

-VLAD: Kristaps! -Miss? Miss?

-CHRISTINA: Mum! -VLAD: Kristaps, do we know what she want?

[LOUD BANGING CONTINUES]

Uh, I was just thinking,

you're sure they're not just being polite, though? I don't wanna make them uncomfortable.

It's fine. Look, it's okay, it's all good.

Dad, I forgot to tell you, uh, mum, did you tell him?

Ooh, indeed I did not.

Dearest Andrew, you shall never guess what.

What, pray tell, shan't I guess?

[ARISTOCRATIC VOICE] Only the shantiest shall never guess

that thou shall never guester.

-Ooh, shan't I? -Come on, guys.

-Go on, tell him. -I got a Saturday job.

You did? That's amazing.

-Well, I, um, I got... -It's great, isn't it?

Yeah, that's really great.

Doing what exactly?

-Working in construction. -Working in construction.

You sure you're not just making tea for builders?

No, I'm gonna be, uh, lifting stuff

and nailing things and using glue-guns. All that stuff.

Well, look at you. Wow!

I suppose you're well on your way to becoming a real man.

Yeah, a friend of mine, Kris, he sorted it for me.

Oh, I don't think I know this Kris, do I?

No, he's a new friend, just left school.

Oh, a manly man, doing man things with men.

I, for one, am looking forward to you becoming the breadwinner round here.

Maybe I can retire early.

Ooh, I'd like that. Have you around full time.

Yes, yes, yes,

yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Don't have to share you with the rest of the world, darling.

Mmm. [LAUGHS]

Yeah. Although it is writing, I don't really need to...

...retire early from that. I can do that well into my golden years.

And it's not as if we won't always need the extra cash,

um, you know.

Don't wanna say no to that pay cheque.

-New kitchens. -New kitchens. Exactly... And stuff.

-Oh. -[MOBILE VIBRATES]

Ugh.

Is it work?

-[MOBILE RINGING] -Yeah.

-Do you have to take it now? -I should but I'm not going to.

Right. I'm going to go upstairs for a shower.

Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I don't think you heard me.

No I heard you, you're gonna take... Oh, right.

Dad, could I get you to, um...

Yeah, I just have to... I'll see you later.

Good job about the job.

Miss Larkspur.

Might I have a word?

[INHALES DEEPLY]

KRISTAPS: Excuse me? Excuse me?

-[TAPPING ON WINDOW] -Excuse me?

-Excuse me? -What is it?

Um, my dad said to come and ask you if this is okay.

The one you liked has been discontinued so...

[EXHALES]

-VLAD: Mrs Marsden? -KRISTINA: Mum, I need help with something.

-Yes, fine. -Thank you.

VLAD: Mrs Marsden?

Oh, it's definitely nice to be home.

It's times like these I really miss a cigarette.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[GUITAR PLAYING]

Ooh.

-That's your fault. -[GROANS]

You bought it for him.

That's not music, that's a cry for help.

Don't be mean. [LAUGHS]

What have we wrought?

What demon spawn hath we?

May the elders of Tyrannous come down from the heavens

and smite his devil's electrified scratch stick.

[LAUGHS]

-Right. I'm gonna go for a shower. -What? Again?

No. This time, I'm really going for a shower.

Hmm.

Just gonna try and squeeze in a little work.

RECORDING MACHINE: You have one new message.

KIM: It's me. I thought I might catch you before you got on a plane.

Everything's fine though,

just, uh... Oh, so I finally spoke to Peter next door about the party wall agreement

and it's all okay, he was surprisingly reasonable.

Oh, and he hates those potholes almost as much as I do,

he says we should talk to other people about it.

So, yeah.

Everything's good over here.

-I'm taking care of everything, the fixtures, the...-[TYPING ON KEYBOARD]

Oh, don't worry about it, but I did get a different tap actually.

I think you're really going to like it. It's pewter.

-[TYPING CONTINUES] - How's Bilbao?

Don't work too hard. Okay?

Okay, well...

[LAPTOP MOUSE CLICKING]

[SOFT ROCK SONG PLAYING]