All language subtitles for You.Me.Her.S03E02.I.Said.Make.Up.720p.DTV.WEB-DL.DD2.0.x264-NTb EN

Previously on "You Me Her"...

You did this, Em.

I said I love it,
and I love you.

Sorry, I'm just a little
overwhelmed.

Is it possible that
the amount of "whelm"

that you're feeling
is due in part

to the magazine thing?

You think you could
call it "the magazine"

and not
"the magazine thing"?

about some version of childcare?
Woman: Have you guys talked

We're more talking about
talking about it.

Men suck.
That's my thesis.

Mm-hmm, okay.
Jot this one down --

uh, we're confused.

The vexing plight
of the millennial male.

It is our two-month
anniversary.

The things I'm gonna to do
to you when we get home.

sleep with married women.
Oh, what a shame. I don't

Uh, so this is
a bit awkward,

but you postponed
the last two scheduled signings,

and I just wanna make sure
that we're still on for Monday.

Cool.
Cool, cool, coolio.

You seriously need to stop
worrying about the Trakarskies

and start sorting
your own shit.

-Hey there, peanut.
-You saw your dad? How was that?

Go the fuck away.

I texted Emma that Jack and I
would be out of the loft

all day so she can come
deal with all the shit

that we've been storing.

-Hey.
-Hey.

♪♪

♪♪

Izzy said you
wouldn't be here.

Oh, you talked to Izzy?

said you'd both be gone
Yeah, she texted me,

so I could deal with all
my shit you've been storing.

See, she, uh --
she left a key.

Okay, could you guys
give us some, uh...

When did they leave?
[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, good,
Well, I have a question.

'cause another 10 seconds
of this excruciating silence,

an aneurysm.
and I was gonna fake

[ Laughs ]

Ah. Um, did Izzy not
know you'd be here?

Of course she knew
I'd be here. I...

Oh.

Did we just get
"Parent Trapped"?

Apparently.

Why would she do that?

I think she wants us
to scream

and throws things at each other,

like I need that to move on.

Well, do you need that?

'Cause you can lob something
right at my head.

No.

I'm good.

We're good. Me and Izzy.

Um, I actually have
a pretty packed schedule.

I got a lot of errands
to run, just so you know.

What? On a Saturday?

After watching basketball
and drinking beer?

Well, that's new.

Mm, it's all-new, Em.

Everything.

Hm. So you really are good,
the two of you?

You're happy?

I love her more than
I ever thought possible.

Aww.

That's awesome.

That really makes me happy.

♪♪

Augh!

Well, what am I supposed to do?
You won't answer my calls.

Uh, maybe stop calling?

Aw, come on, peanut.

to call me that.
I told you not

-Let's not --
-How did you find me?

Your mom.

Mom?
Yeah.

Mom told you where I live?

Yeah, she did.
She thinks we should talk.

Isabelle. [ Sighs ]

Did I invite you to
my side of the street?

No, I didn't.
Go away!

[ Sighs ]
Well, I'm not gonna...

I'm sober.

Can't say the same.

Just downed a couple medicinal
bloodies to even out.

You know what I'm saying?
Never mind. I know you do.

No. I don't mean right now.
I mean I'm sober.

[ Sighs ]

Really?

Yep.

How long?

Little over a year.

Wow.

Only 26 years too late.

[ Sighs ]

-Traffic okay?
-Uh, yeah, I used this app.

Left at precisely
the optimal time

to minimize both departure
and arrival, so...

Wow.

I know. Amazing.

What's it called?

Um, I don't know
off the top of my head,

but I could get my phone.

[ Chuckles ]
Actually, I couldn't care less.

Just couldn't think of
anything else to say.

So, how's everything else
going with you?

I mean, aside from being
more in love

than you ever
thought possible.

Well, it'd be
easier for me

to make a list
of the parts of my body

the dancing I've been doing.
that don't ache from all

Like, my hair and...
that's about it actually.

You -- You dance now?

Oh, yeah. Publicly.

And we're on
the highly-unrecommended

vodka, pot,
and delivery food diet.

[ Chuckles ]

But I get to wake up
every morning, look at her,

and fall in love all over again,
so there's that.

Huh. Mm-hmm.

with what's-her-name?
So, how's, uh, things

Smiley?

Wiley?

Kylie.

Kylie.

[ Chuckles ]

She is awesome.

Mm.

"Smiley," really?

That's a name.
Yeah?

Totally gonna name
my first-born daughter

"Smiley Jane Trakarksy."

Yeah, assuming you want her

to grow up to be
a deformed comic-book villain.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

So, the lesbian thing
is working out for you?

Um, it is -- it is --
it is going very well.

Thank you for asking.

Can we take a second
just to acknowledge

how weird
this conversation is?

imagine that --
I mean, did you ever

No, Em.

This is not what
I imagined.

At all.

Yeah.

Can you give me five minutes
without storming off?

[ Sighs ]
Okay, four?

I'm getting my shit
together, Isabelle.

I'm here for a pretty major
construction project.

than I ever have before.
I'm managing a bigger crew

It's "Izzy."
Don't call me "Isabelle."

Right, Izzy. I'm not bragging.
I'm just saying I've changed.

Here's a thought -- what if
you gave up the bottle too late

and you just suddenly die
right in front of me

and that's why you're here --
karmic justice?

[ Laughs ]

I'm imagining you
dropping dead.

Why are you laughing?

when you try to be mean.
Because you're funny

Oh, my God.

Uh, it's mid-Swedish
Mm, nope.
modernalism.

"Mid-Swedish" isn't a thing,
and "modernalism" isn't a word.

Mm, my original
Jorgen Erikson --

the first furniture
acquisition

I could honestly refer to
as a piece.

could afford. [Chuckles]
It was way more than we

Yeah, we had to sleep on
a mattress on the floor

for six months
so you could buy that.

No, we slept on a mattress
for six months

because you couldn't figure out
how to build the IKEA bed frame.

As I recall,
neither could the architect.

Pretty sure the Swedes
are fucking with us.

I haven't
looked through this stuff.

this is all yours?
Are you sure

♪♪

♪♪

Alex: Okay, so, I stuck
my widget in your launch pad.

Whoa! He stuck your what
in my what?

Buy a girl a drink first.

I...you --
the -- [clears throat]

The, uh --

Oh, that's great.
You broke Alex.

the muscles, babe.
Well, you gotta flex

Use 'em or lose 'em.

It's, uh, cloud-based,
and, uh, mm...whew!

[ Chuckles ]

And now he's reverted
to puberty.

So we can
all access the files,

and we can see the layout
in progress,

get notes on the page
like...this.

Oh, God, Alex,
you're amazing.

[ Chuckles ]
Th-Thank you so much.

Oh, uh, hey, Carmen.

When did --
When did you get here?

Unbelievable.
[ Door opens, closes ]

Hey, Carm.

Hey.

Hey. Hey, Hannah.

Oh, you got a little,
uh...adolescent male
on your shirt there.

Oh, Alex works for
the printing company.

He's 24.

-Great.
-People are still 24?

And you're doing earmuffs on him
like he's some sort of child.

That's great. Do you guys have
an HR department yet, or...?

-Mnh-mnh.
-I don't mind. [ Chuckles ]

Okay, so, what's wrong?
What's going on?

Thing's kinda went south
pretty fast over there.

Like, Deep South.
Like Alabama.

over there.
Things went Alabama

I left the house
40 minutes ago.

I know.
It was all very sudden.

I'm gonna go ahead and blame
the uprising on hunger,

because we are literally
out of everything.

Hey. Why don't you and I
take a break?

Give this two some space.

For sure. Absolutely.
[ Chuckles ]

-Bye...Alex.
-Bye.

He only intermittently
knows I exist,

but he melts into a puddle
every time Hannah speaks.

Can we get back to
the Amari famine of 2018 please?

Right. Right, okay,
well, listen close,

because this is incredibly
useful information.

There are these large,
regulated establishments

filled with every type of food
you can possibly imagine,

can't find something,
and if you

kindly Samaritans with
name tags will guide you.

That's very clever.

Now, if I go to
this magical place,

Absolutely not!
can I leave the kids here?

Okay, so then,
how does that work?

[ Groaning ]

Oh, you're doing the thing
where you...

but your mouth is sealed shut,
wanna say something,

and your eyebrows
are dancing.

I mean, you've taken
the kids to the store

countless times, right?

Somehow we all keep
coming back alive!

You think I like coming
over here like some
hapless Neanderthal?

I am very disappointed
with myself right now!

This is hard.

Well, that's a start.

Yeah?

Well, what's going on here?
Are you coming home soon-ish?

I will come home when I'm
done-ish, just like you.

Okay.

Mm.

Go to the store
with your children.

Women will swoon.

Intriguing.

Trust me.
Super-fucking hot.

All right, go.
Hop to.

Back to work, people!

♪♪

Are you gonna do
your ceremonial breath cleaning

of a single glass,
or is now a bad time?

Okay, so the experiment's
definitely gonna need
what we call controls.

Yeah, no, I'm familiar
with the concept.

That means we need to keep
a lot of things the same

so that we can accurately
measure the differences

between my test subjects.

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

Did you just
womansplain me?

Is that too soon?

Way too fuckin' soon.

So, I'm thinking that
I should meet all of my dates

the same way and go to
the same place with them.

I was thinking a dating app
and right here,

not too late,
not too early.

Those are the controls.

Right here?

Yeah, you got a problem
with that?

No, no.
Date on, Garth.

Date like nobody's watching',
huh?

Date -- Date
till the cows come home.

Date like...

Did you hit your head on
that same shelf again?

♪♪

Boom! First date's
gonna be tomorrow night.

a little sure of themselves.
Okay, well, someone's

So, one cleavage shot,

and all the men of Portland
are instantly reduced

to horny, right-swiping zombies?
Come on.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Well, that's just...

[ Cellphone chiming ]

Well, co--
[ Chiming continues ]

I'm sorry.
What did you say?

over the teeming horde
I-I can't hear you

of lustful suitors.

Okay -- The --
[ Chiming continues ]

The point is --
How about you --

[ Chiming continues ]

Never mind.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, my God, this
guy's dressed like a wizard.

Shaun, look.
Shaun?

Shaun?

Hmm. Maybe.

[ Birds chirping ]

but I could eat.
I don't know about you,

Um...yeah,
I don't think --

We don't have
anything here, but...

That's fine.
...we could get delivery
or something?

I'm sorry.
That was a bad idea.

It's not a party.
Let's just, um...

Oh, my God.
Why do we have

of ear buds?
23 perfectly-good sets

And 19 half-burned
holiday candles.

You'd think just once
we would look for leftovers.

Can I please light all the
pumpkin spice candles for Izzy?

Best or worst idea ever?

[ Scoffs ]

It's kinda -- Wh-What
does that mean? Huff?

I mean,
what the fuck is that?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Izzy set this up.
It's what she wanted.

You think this is
what she wanted --

for us to continue
not talking about it?

Trade quips about ear buds
and fucking holiday candles?

I was just...trying to --
You know what?

We can just have the movers
take the rest of this stuff.

You should go.

♪♪

Okay.

♪♪

Make your amends
and go away already.

Okay, well, I-I called you
when I got my one-month chip

and then my three-month chip
and then my one-year --

I heard the messages.
I just assumed you were lying.

Uh, n-no.

Not to rub it in
or anything.

It's kinda hard
to work construction

of other people drinking.
if you can't handle the concept

Cool, 'cause those bloodies
are starting to wear off,

and this surprise visit of yours
is accelerating my headache.

Guess it's 4:00 somewhere.

Are you suggesting that
I'm an alcoholic like you?

No.

You know, you can't just
drop back into my adult life

and parent me.

Okay, fine.
Fine. Understood.

to be --
I just want a chance

What?

[ Sighs ] I don't know.

Whatever you'll let me be,
I guess.

Well, here's a tip --

Don't do the annoying
12-step thing

where everybody
has to get into

the same rickety,
joyless boat as you.

You're right.
What?

I won't.
I said you're right.

Good!

♪♪

You know what?
No.

"No" what?

I'm not leaving.

Oh, and this?

This is mine.

What is that?

That is the kind of mix
a guy makes

when he's trying to prove
that he's too cool

has ever heard of.
to listen to music anyone else

Okay, 'cause I originally
got that

from a philosophy
grad assistant

who I dated
for like five minutes.

So, you remixed me, and you
never came clean about it?

Yeah.
That was my big secret.

Right.

I'm sorry, Jack.

I really am sorry.

the only baby gift we got
You know that was

before the miscarriage?

First time I...

I thought the universe was
trying to tell me something.

Izzy's right.
We need to talk.

Yeah.

Could you clear
something up for me?

I mean, it's not big deal.

Just a vexing mystery
of my entire existence.

Shoot.
Yeah, piece of cake.

If you and Mom hated
each other so much,

why did you get married?

We didn't start out
hating each other.

Things got dark
after I lost my job.

That's your excuse?

It had nothing to do
with the excessive drinking

or the affairs?

I'm an alcoholic,
and I was a shitty father.

all out there,
And while I'm laying it

your mother and I were
never really in love,

so when things got
a little rough...

That's nice.
...we took it out
on each other.

I only stayed for you.

Well, I guess
you got over me.

Was it the braces?
Zits?

Something I said?

myself that it was
When I left, I-I told

the best thing for you.

But now I realize
that I was just doing

what drunks do
when things get hard.

I ran away.

And I know they're just words,
but I need to say them.

I'm sorry.

[ Voice breaking ] And you
will never know how much, Izzy.

♪♪

There's one more stop.

♪♪

Hey. Hi, hi. Hello.

Um, this,
what you're doing --

It's against
FDA rules, okay?

Something about saliva

and the fact that
it's fucking annoying.

Yeah, so if you guys
don't stop immediately,

I'm gonna have to punch you
both in the face,

and I don't wanna.

Sorry.
It's the law, so...

Shaun, what do you want?
Sorry.

I'm not in the mood to be
berated about how little I work.

Okay, for the record,
you basically get paid

to hang around at a bar that
you already hung around at.

Which, saying it out loud,

makes me think that
it's a pretty cool idea.

Hey, and you and your bestie
have violence issues!

Deal with it.
Get a Groupon.

What's wrong?

Fucker keeps posting
these weird pictures

of him and his dad
somewhere in the woods,

smiling all over
themselves.

Why the hell are they
in the woods all the time?!

Right, I-I'm thinking
it's not so much the woods

as it is
the excessive smiling.

Am I right?

how dare he be so happy?
I mean,

Ow!
You gotta stop doing that!

You got these bony,
little knuckles.

Pussy.
Psycho.

Okay.

My best, most logical guess
is that...

clearly a zombie outbreak
has happened

somewhere
near Salem, Oregon,

to the woods to survive.
and they've taken

And it's all
shits and giggles

for, you know,
dad and son here,

and they're just
shitting and -- and giggling

and building lean-tos
until someone's face

gets eaten off, which...

clearly hasn't happened yet, and
that's why they're there, so...

Mystery solved.
Occam's razor.

You're welcome. Next.

You are so fuckin' weird.
[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

[ Chuckles ]

It's cute.
Mm.

If you'd ask me a year ago
where would we be right now,

I would've said,
"On your favorite rug

in our perfect
Hawthorne Heights home,

staring at our baby,

interpreting
every burp or shit

of future greatness."
as a sure sign

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

We would've been that couple

posting a hundred
indistinguishable baby photos

on Instagram when really one
would be just boring enough.

[ Chuckles ]

When did you stop
wanting kids?

There wasn't one moment.

It just kinda happened
gradually over the years.

to me about it?
Ever consider talking

I did.
You just never heard me.

So that's how you
sleep at night.

I've wondered.

Yeah, and how do you
sleep at night

ever since Izzy's
high-functioning uterus

became the center
of your world?

[ Sighs ] Please tell
me I did not just
fucking hear that.

Hold on a sec.

I don't get a side
to this story?

No. You absolutely,
100% do not.

Jack, admit it --
it was just a matter of time

before you and Izzy
thought of me

as the barren first wife
who forget to leave.

No, you do not get to be
the wounded one.

You fucking imposter.

this from the guy
"Imposter"? "Imposter" --

who hands out mixes of songs
he's never heard of.

You hired an escort
to get your groove back,

and then you got down
on your fucking knees

and begged her
to have your baby

right in front of
your goddamn fucking wife.

Bravo.
Author, author.

Oh, my God, at least see
an actual play

the jargon.
before you toss around

What about our marriage?
Huh?

I had a fucking
front-row seat

to that bullshit piece
of theatre.

Kudos on the surprise ending,
by the way.

Corporate jet
and a six-line text?

That's fuckin' nice.

Jesus, Emma, how could you
do that to me?

right now.
I can't do this with you

If you won't leave,
I will.

Jack.

Jack!

Just tell me what to do,
what to say, how to fix it.

I want to fix this.
What do you want to do?

You want to be
fucking friends?

You want to double date,
go to each other's weddings?

Are you
fucking kidding me?

who only builds things
You are a delusional psychopath

to compensate for everything
she destroys.

Fuck you and your diagnosis
of me.

Fuck me? You owe me
12 fucking years.

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck!

[ Winces ]

-I'm sorry.
-Jesus.

Here, let me take a look.
Oh, here.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Groans ]

Are you...

Yeah, I don't know.
That's like some real

"War of the Roses" type
shit, except...

-It was -- It was soft.
-Softer. Yeah.

Sorry.

♪♪

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

people over?
So, you're having

Nope. I'm consuming
an extra-large pizza,

a case of beer,
and 29 bucks worth of candy

all by myself.

I call it "Saturday."

Ah.

So, what now, a-a hug?
A shake? A high five?

Uh, I'm good,
but thanks.

Ah. Thank you.

Well, it's been a --
been a slice, Ben.

S-Sorry.

You sure you don't need
a hand with that?

No, I got it.
It's not my first rodeo.

Isabelle --

Please don't say something
stupid and ruin it.

"Don't ruin it"?

So, you mean you thought
this went well?

See? Like -- Like that.

Okay.

You seriously
still do that?

[ Chuckles ]

I gave you one for school,
remember?

Well, I guess it worked.
Yeah.

You didn't get kicked out
like I did.

Actually, I did.
Junior year.

I didn't know that.

There's a lot
you don't know.

Yeah.

When do you have classes?

I don't really have classes.
I'm getting my PhD.

Right.

But, uh...Monday I have
a 10:00 with my advisor.

Why?

Why?

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

♪♪

What the fuck?

halfway ♪
♪ I tried to meet you there,

such a long, long way ♪
♪ I had to go

is it a "yes" today? ♪
♪ Now, is it,

on and on and ♪
♪ Now, I'm gonna keep moving

won't be... ♪
♪ Well, maybe you

phenom-enoma-- ♪
♪ Oh, maybe you were

halfway ♪
♪ I tried to meet you there,

that you were M.I.A. ♪
♪ Only to find

no way ♪
♪ No reason why,

on my way ♪
♪ No running into me