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1
00:01:03,922 --> 00:01:07,052
Parakeets are the most popular
pet bird in the world.
2
00:01:07,152 --> 00:01:09,588
But they require a lot of care.
3
00:01:09,688 --> 00:01:12,457
Now Perfect Polly
brings you all the joy,
4
00:01:12,557 --> 00:01:15,294
and no mess to make you mad.
5
00:01:15,394 --> 00:01:17,396
By the window or on the shelf,
6
00:01:17,496 --> 00:01:20,566
with your Perfect Polly
you're never by yourself.
7
00:01:20,666 --> 00:01:23,602
So lifelike you won't believe your eyes.
8
00:01:23,702 --> 00:01:27,005
Just look at the detail
in this pretty little Polly.
9
00:01:27,105 --> 00:01:30,809
This life-sized Perfect Polly
looks right at home in a cage,
10
00:01:30,909 --> 00:01:34,913
or perch Polly on your finger
and watch her start to sing.
11
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:40,004
Perfect Polly chirps her little toot
in the morning or the afternoon...
12
00:01:43,757 --> 00:01:47,499
...Perfect Polly today for only 14.99
13
00:01:47,599 --> 00:01:49,939
complete with the authentic Polly perch.
14
00:01:50,039 --> 00:01:53,065
But wait, call right now
and you can double your order.
15
00:01:53,365 --> 00:01:56,935
That's a pair of Perfect Pollies
for 14.99.
16
00:01:57,035 --> 00:01:59,705
And don't forget to find out
about free shipping.
17
00:01:59,805 --> 00:02:03,091
It's the perfect pet
for someone special you know.
18
00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:06,869
You have 16 new messages.
First new message.
19
00:02:07,904 --> 00:02:11,149
Hey, booboo. Gina here.
Pick up the phone.
20
00:02:11,249 --> 00:02:13,618
Pick up. Come on.
21
00:02:13,718 --> 00:02:16,655
I just had the craziest phone conversation
with this telemarketer
22
00:02:16,755 --> 00:02:20,111
- and he's kind of sexy.
- Next new message.
23
00:02:21,593 --> 00:02:23,162
Hi, Alice. It's Daryl Moffet.
24
00:02:23,262 --> 00:02:27,065
I just got off the phone with Greg
at Suncoast Pharmacy.
25
00:02:27,165 --> 00:02:30,467
I had no idea you weren't picking up
your medication. Can you give me a call?
26
00:02:36,606 --> 00:02:37,725
Your home is far less likely...
27
00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:40,612
Everybody comes
to our beautiful planet Earth
28
00:02:40,712 --> 00:02:43,181
and it is beautiful
if you saw our show on Friday
29
00:02:43,281 --> 00:02:45,650
to do something great, something unique,
30
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:49,721
something that only you were born to do.
31
00:02:49,821 --> 00:02:53,124
Only you can give.
So, what is your calling?
32
00:02:53,224 --> 00:02:54,726
I definitely know what mine is.
33
00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:58,396
This show is about helping
all of you who are watching us.
34
00:02:58,496 --> 00:03:02,306
Think about and then figure out,
'cause that's your real job, to figure out
35
00:03:02,406 --> 00:03:05,437
what is your calling,
and then begin to honor it.
36
00:03:05,537 --> 00:03:07,293
Hundreds of people in this audience...
37
00:04:07,064 --> 00:04:10,004
I'm going to have to check on her. Yeah.
38
00:04:20,353 --> 00:04:24,049
I should... head out.
I'm... It was nice to meet you.
39
00:04:24,149 --> 00:04:26,584
- Alice.
- Alice.
40
00:04:26,684 --> 00:04:28,687
Take care, Alice.
41
00:04:31,121 --> 00:04:33,558
- Who was that?
- I don't know.
42
00:04:33,658 --> 00:04:37,229
She asked if there was a rape
in A Tale of Two Cities.
43
00:04:38,129 --> 00:04:40,232
If maybe, well, one that's just for you.
44
00:04:40,332 --> 00:04:43,268
Just a phone call, but hopefully
a new start for your friendships.
45
00:04:43,368 --> 00:04:45,771
And hopefully those of you
who haven't made the call,
46
00:04:45,871 --> 00:04:48,590
in six years, ten years, twelve,
will get the nerve from this show
47
00:04:48,690 --> 00:04:52,674
to pick up the phone and reconnect.
Do that for yourself.
48
00:05:15,332 --> 00:05:17,802
The California Stack Sweepstakes.
49
00:05:17,902 --> 00:05:20,538
Hello, California.
Happy Independence Day.
50
00:05:20,638 --> 00:05:25,910
I'm Helen Hardaway, and welcome
to the California Stack drawing.
51
00:05:26,010 --> 00:05:29,247
Tonight, you need to pick
four or more numbers to win.
52
00:05:29,347 --> 00:05:33,718
Get all eight numbers and you could win
or share tonight's jackpot
53
00:05:33,818 --> 00:05:37,853
of $86 million.
54
00:05:38,355 --> 00:05:40,235
And away we go.
55
00:05:40,335 --> 00:05:42,363
Number 40,
56
00:05:42,463 --> 00:05:44,677
23.
57
00:05:44,777 --> 00:05:46,898
There's 37
58
00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:49,400
followed by 14.
59
00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:52,370
There's 57, 15.
60
00:05:52,870 --> 00:05:58,143
And finally our bonus numbers
are... 54 and 39.
61
00:05:59,217 --> 00:06:02,850
Lottery retailers will pay for prizes
up to one hundred...
62
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:20,720
Thanks for calling
the California Lottery.
63
00:06:20,820 --> 00:06:25,534
If you're calling to report a winning,
just say "I'm a winner at any time."
64
00:06:27,338 --> 00:06:28,807
Oops. I didn't catch that.
65
00:06:28,907 --> 00:06:32,011
If you're calling to report a winning,
just say "I'm a winner at any time."
66
00:06:32,111 --> 00:06:34,913
- I'm a winner.
- Oops. I didn't catch that.
67
00:06:35,013 --> 00:06:40,001
If you're calling to report a winning,
just say "I'm a winner at any time."
68
00:06:40,101 --> 00:06:44,967
- I'm a winner at any time.
- Congratulations. Please hold.
69
00:06:56,533 --> 00:06:59,764
Yesterday was a very lucky day
for Alice Klieg,
70
00:06:59,864 --> 00:07:02,007
a Palm Desert woman
who holds the winning ticket
71
00:07:02,107 --> 00:07:06,277
for an $86 million California
Stack Sweepstakes payout.
72
00:07:06,377 --> 00:07:10,770
Oh, my... That's my...
That's my friend! Oh, my God!
73
00:07:11,587 --> 00:07:14,380
Thank you. Thank you.
74
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,022
I'd like to read
from a prepared statement.
75
00:07:17,122 --> 00:07:22,427
I was a summer baby, born in the year
1971 in Simi Valley, California.
76
00:07:22,727 --> 00:07:26,431
My mother was a nutritionist
and my father was a commercial baker.
77
00:07:26,731 --> 00:07:29,699
And I've been using masturbation
as a sedative since 1991.
78
00:07:32,236 --> 00:07:34,719
We're unable to show you the rest.
79
00:07:34,819 --> 00:07:36,541
Yesterday was a...
80
00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:39,199
They cut me off.
81
00:07:42,913 --> 00:07:44,315
- Hello?
- What...
82
00:07:44,415 --> 00:07:47,452
Hi, Ted. Alice, it's Ted.
83
00:07:47,978 --> 00:07:49,654
He saw you on the news.
84
00:07:49,754 --> 00:07:53,091
- They cut me off.
- Yeah, she's mad they cut her speech off.
85
00:07:53,191 --> 00:07:57,102
- She sounds bad.
- She's about a 7.5 and climbing.
86
00:07:58,729 --> 00:08:00,551
- You don't have to stay.
- Somebody has to stay.
87
00:08:00,651 --> 00:08:03,835
- They cut me off.
- Okay. Later, tater.
88
00:08:05,188 --> 00:08:06,989
Alice?
89
00:08:10,541 --> 00:08:12,846
You hungry?
90
00:08:12,946 --> 00:08:15,454
I'm going to take an iodine bath.
91
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:44,008
It's my new thing. I'm managing my moods
by living a high protein lifestyle.
92
00:08:45,242 --> 00:08:47,095
What's going on with the Abilify?
93
00:08:51,515 --> 00:08:53,156
I have a prepared statement.
94
00:08:54,581 --> 00:08:56,615
Okay.
95
00:08:59,256 --> 00:09:02,560
"Dear Daryl, it's been
a good run, Daryl,
96
00:09:02,660 --> 00:09:06,864
"but as I will no longer be collecting
disability from the State of California,
97
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:09,834
"our visits are no longer mandatory.
98
00:09:09,934 --> 00:09:12,537
"I appreciate everything
you have done for me,
99
00:09:12,637 --> 00:09:14,672
"but as a new member
of the rich and famous,
100
00:09:14,772 --> 00:09:17,690
I simply don't have time for the pain."
101
00:09:20,043 --> 00:09:23,245
Well, I have something
I'd like to read, too.
102
00:09:24,915 --> 00:09:26,057
"My dear Alice,
103
00:09:26,257 --> 00:09:30,259
I would be happy to discuss the logistical
details of our new relationship,
104
00:09:30,859 --> 00:09:33,929
"a relationship which gives me great pride
when I reflect on the ground
105
00:09:34,029 --> 00:09:35,311
that we have covered.
106
00:09:35,411 --> 00:09:39,770
"Since the psycho-pharmacological
value of string cheese in the treatment
107
00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:45,103
"of borderline personality disorder is not,
to my knowledge, even in clinical trials,
108
00:09:45,403 --> 00:09:49,429
"I would encourage you to reconsider
walking away from the good
109
00:09:49,529 --> 00:09:52,885
and necessary work that we do."
110
00:09:53,411 --> 00:09:55,928
Why did you stop your medication?
111
00:09:56,028 --> 00:09:58,252
It's a new era.
112
00:09:59,416 --> 00:10:02,101
Eighty-six million-dollar Alice.
113
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:07,158
Do you really want to stop seeing me?
114
00:10:07,758 --> 00:10:09,584
No.
115
00:10:11,042 --> 00:10:12,930
Yes.
116
00:10:14,751 --> 00:10:15,681
No.
117
00:10:18,668 --> 00:10:21,437
What do you want to do, Alice?
118
00:10:24,774 --> 00:10:27,144
Something really big.
119
00:10:27,644 --> 00:10:30,414
I'm moving today.
120
00:10:32,180 --> 00:10:34,039
Nice.
121
00:10:34,139 --> 00:10:35,771
Good.
122
00:10:38,355 --> 00:10:40,874
If I paid you...
123
00:10:42,292 --> 00:10:45,890
would you give me
a clean-bill health, mentally?
124
00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:16,894
Thanks for choosing
our casino, Miss Klieg.
125
00:11:17,256 --> 00:11:21,210
- So, how long do you plan on staying?
- Indefinitely.
126
00:11:21,310 --> 00:11:22,669
Do you allow pets here?
127
00:11:22,769 --> 00:11:24,402
Well, I'm sure we can work
something out.
128
00:11:24,502 --> 00:11:26,575
- Do you have a dog?
- No.
129
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,250
What's the matter, sweetie?
130
00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:41,720
Located at the beautiful
Palm Springs area.
131
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,665
Nothing.
132
00:11:50,306 --> 00:11:54,284
What I'm suggesting,
is a more of a less idea.
133
00:11:54,984 --> 00:11:57,635
A five-dollar tip for you.
134
00:11:57,935 --> 00:12:02,673
Just ask Ted for a little advice,
small amount,
135
00:12:02,773 --> 00:12:06,352
- about what to do with your money.
- I don't need any help, Mommy.
136
00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:11,743
No hand? Oh, thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
137
00:12:13,202 --> 00:12:14,850
- Sorry, Mom.
- It's all right.
138
00:12:16,491 --> 00:12:18,393
Teddy.
139
00:12:19,099 --> 00:12:22,480
- Welcome to my new home.
- This must be your Alice.
140
00:12:22,580 --> 00:12:25,297
- This is Derick.
- Hi, it's so nice to fina... Okay.
141
00:12:26,497 --> 00:12:28,366
This is... this is my best friend, Gina.
142
00:12:28,466 --> 00:12:31,776
- I'm her Gina. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
143
00:12:32,737 --> 00:12:35,540
Those two sour pussies
over there are my parents.
144
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,480
This is Derick, Ted's male lover.
Isn't that good?
145
00:12:38,580 --> 00:12:41,179
- Hi, hi.
- Hi.
146
00:12:42,008 --> 00:12:45,567
If it weren't for you,
I don't know what we would do.
147
00:12:47,617 --> 00:12:50,121
- I always knew about Ted.
- What?
148
00:12:50,221 --> 00:12:52,741
When we were married.
By the way he fucked me.
149
00:12:54,959 --> 00:12:56,287
I get it.
150
00:12:58,728 --> 00:13:00,364
So...
151
00:13:00,464 --> 00:13:03,743
how does it feel to be a millionaire?
152
00:13:05,168 --> 00:13:07,694
I have a prepared statement.
153
00:13:07,794 --> 00:13:10,732
Prepared statement.
154
00:13:11,574 --> 00:13:13,384
Okay.
155
00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:19,070
Here's what I want to say.
156
00:13:20,024 --> 00:13:23,141
Cause. Okay?
157
00:13:23,241 --> 00:13:26,157
Effect. Okay?
158
00:13:26,257 --> 00:13:28,226
"I want each of you
to understand that...
159
00:13:28,326 --> 00:13:31,229
"you can have what I have right now
if you really believe it.
160
00:13:31,929 --> 00:13:35,957
- You too can have a new life."
- New life.
161
00:13:36,057 --> 00:13:38,100
New life.
162
00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,373
"And as I begin my new life,
163
00:13:42,473 --> 00:13:46,677
I must reflect on the love and inspiration
each of you has given me."
164
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:51,382
I love you, guys.
Shit, I didn't want to cry until the end.
165
00:13:51,482 --> 00:13:55,707
A toast to Alice and her new life.
166
00:13:55,807 --> 00:13:58,966
New life.
167
00:13:59,066 --> 00:14:01,077
To my new life.
168
00:14:02,626 --> 00:14:04,719
Let's hope.
169
00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:16,641
I'm going to get shrimp.
170
00:14:16,891 --> 00:14:19,477
...it's harvested in Ecuador,
171
00:14:19,577 --> 00:14:22,265
where the locals call it La Madre
172
00:14:22,365 --> 00:14:24,215
or The Mother.
173
00:14:24,515 --> 00:14:28,625
Smoothies are such a great way
to load up on powerful nutrition.
174
00:14:28,725 --> 00:14:32,018
Every single particle of Live Alchemy
contains coded blueprints
175
00:14:32,118 --> 00:14:34,850
that actually rewrite your DNA.
176
00:14:34,950 --> 00:14:37,226
So, who's ready for a new life?
177
00:14:39,030 --> 00:14:42,952
This has been a live broadcast from the
headquarters of New Vibrance Studios.
178
00:14:43,052 --> 00:14:45,637
If you're interested in being a member
of our studio audience,
179
00:14:45,737 --> 00:14:48,370
please contact the number below.
180
00:14:51,175 --> 00:14:54,595
Live for Palm Desert, California,
welcome to Live Alchemy.
181
00:14:54,695 --> 00:14:58,693
You can't put yogurt
in waste baskets. Okay?
182
00:14:59,249 --> 00:15:03,924
I know, but then, you can't just
let it be there. It's disgusting.
183
00:15:06,324 --> 00:15:09,349
Good to see you.
Welcome to Live Alchemy.
184
00:15:09,449 --> 00:15:10,739
I'm Gabe Ruskin.
185
00:15:10,939 --> 00:15:13,370
Now, what if I were to tell you
186
00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:18,121
one teaspoon of Live Alchemy
contains more usable protein
187
00:15:18,221 --> 00:15:20,471
than a 16-ounce sirloin steak.
188
00:15:20,671 --> 00:15:23,574
- Well, get ready to pan to the audience.
- It's true. What if I were to tell you...
189
00:15:23,674 --> 00:15:28,512
...that in 100 years, our main source
of food would be algae?
190
00:15:28,946 --> 00:15:30,813
Now.
191
00:15:31,257 --> 00:15:33,404
I would believe it.
192
00:15:33,504 --> 00:15:35,717
Hey, hey, wow. We got a live one.
193
00:15:37,221 --> 00:15:40,286
And I wouldn't lie to you. Now...
194
00:15:40,386 --> 00:15:44,762
We're all used to healthy food
tasting like dirt, right?
195
00:15:44,862 --> 00:15:46,347
Frank, pull away please.
196
00:15:46,447 --> 00:15:49,222
Right, I mean, it's really bad. Well...
197
00:15:49,322 --> 00:15:50,901
I'd like to get a volunteer
from the audience
198
00:15:51,001 --> 00:15:55,339
to come taste my chocolate amaretto
smoothie with Live Alchemy.
199
00:15:55,439 --> 00:15:57,533
Who's curious?
200
00:15:58,976 --> 00:16:02,836
No, no. Come on.
Not the crazy bitch. Gabe.
201
00:16:02,936 --> 00:16:07,519
Who's game? You want to come up?
Right up here. Welcome. Yeah, it's good.
202
00:16:08,419 --> 00:16:10,955
Thanks for being brave, yeah.
203
00:16:11,355 --> 00:16:13,864
Very courageous of you.
204
00:16:20,864 --> 00:16:23,233
Would you believe me?
205
00:16:24,918 --> 00:16:29,504
Most people, they hear "algae"
and they say "yuck".
206
00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:34,812
I'm not afraid of anything, Gabe.
Including success.
207
00:16:35,312 --> 00:16:37,281
Oh, what's your name?
208
00:16:37,381 --> 00:16:39,201
My name is Alice Klieg.
209
00:16:39,501 --> 00:16:41,784
I watch you when I sleep.
210
00:16:43,882 --> 00:16:45,356
What... what was that?
211
00:16:45,756 --> 00:16:47,811
Is that so?
212
00:16:54,030 --> 00:16:55,733
This is my second time on TV this week.
213
00:16:56,233 --> 00:16:58,542
- Oh, your second time, really?
- Yes, Gabe.
214
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:03,379
I won the California Stack Sweepstakes.
Eighty-six million dollars.
215
00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:10,714
I did a press conference that aired
on all of the stations in this area.
216
00:17:10,814 --> 00:17:12,917
That's incredible. You are a lucky lady.
217
00:17:13,017 --> 00:17:16,053
And we're lucky to have you here
to be our guinea pig to try...
218
00:17:16,153 --> 00:17:18,889
- Winning has nothing to do with luck.
- It doesn't?
219
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:21,325
No. It's all mental training.
220
00:17:21,975 --> 00:17:24,061
Dawn, what the hell?
221
00:17:24,161 --> 00:17:27,018
Well, why don't you ask your brother?
He seems to be...
222
00:17:27,118 --> 00:17:30,701
- Are we in control here or what?
- Not currently.
223
00:17:30,901 --> 00:17:35,339
Oprah says that everything in our world
is created on a DNA level by what we think.
224
00:17:35,439 --> 00:17:38,907
I thought I was a winner.
I won $86 million.
225
00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:45,629
- All right, give me the word, Rich.
- Wait.
226
00:17:46,129 --> 00:17:49,020
- That is just great.
- I didn't always think of myself as a winner.
227
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,925
When I was 16, I was diagnosed
with manic depression.
228
00:17:53,491 --> 00:17:56,460
In my 20s, it was called
rapid cycling bipolar disorder.
229
00:17:57,636 --> 00:18:00,798
Now it's just called
borderline personality disorder.
230
00:18:01,493 --> 00:18:04,032
- Alice, maybe come back to your seat.
- No!
231
00:18:07,871 --> 00:18:11,585
Now it's just called
borderline personality disorder.
232
00:18:11,685 --> 00:18:13,945
Who can keep up?
233
00:18:14,545 --> 00:18:18,779
For most of my life,
I let my diagnosis define who I was.
234
00:18:18,879 --> 00:18:20,752
Big mistake.
235
00:18:20,852 --> 00:18:25,956
At a certain point, I realized I had
to get back to me... before my illness.
236
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:27,927
Oh, my God.
237
00:18:29,293 --> 00:18:32,406
Oh, my... Why are we following her?
238
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:42,940
I was a summer baby born in 1971
in Simi Valley, California.
239
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,843
And I've been using masturbation
as a sedative since 1991.
240
00:18:45,943 --> 00:18:48,846
- We have to kill this, Rich.
- Okay, kill it.
241
00:18:48,946 --> 00:18:51,549
- Kill it, please.
- My father was a commercial baker.
242
00:18:51,649 --> 00:18:55,219
Introducing Essentis,
luxury hair care system
243
00:18:55,319 --> 00:18:57,688
formulated with natural
and organic components...
244
00:18:58,088 --> 00:19:00,924
Do you think she really won the lottery?
245
00:19:01,024 --> 00:19:04,695
Seriously. Can someone Google that?
What was her name?
246
00:19:05,733 --> 00:19:10,567
Oh, my God. Gabe, that was the best
experience of my whole entire life.
247
00:19:11,728 --> 00:19:13,904
You didn't have to buy me out.
248
00:19:14,004 --> 00:19:15,562
I need the protein.
249
00:19:15,662 --> 00:19:17,575
Hey.
250
00:19:17,675 --> 00:19:20,344
You must be the big winner.
Hi, I'm Rich.
251
00:19:20,444 --> 00:19:21,887
Me, too.
252
00:19:21,987 --> 00:19:24,215
I'm Gabe's brother.
253
00:19:24,315 --> 00:19:28,249
- So, you own all of this?
- Gabe and I sure do, yeah.
254
00:19:29,652 --> 00:19:34,224
- I have an idea for a show.
- What kind of show?
255
00:19:34,324 --> 00:19:35,659
How about this?
You want to come in tomorrow,
256
00:19:35,759 --> 00:19:37,428
we'll sit down,
we have an official meeting,
257
00:19:37,528 --> 00:19:40,965
and we can hear all about this show
of yours. I'm sure it's a knockout.
258
00:19:41,065 --> 00:19:42,800
- Okay, yeah.
- Does that sound good?
259
00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:44,034
- Yeah.
- Great.
260
00:19:44,634 --> 00:19:48,370
It's a mindset, right?
Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.
261
00:19:53,377 --> 00:19:55,746
Anything she wants.
262
00:19:56,346 --> 00:19:58,364
Anything.
263
00:19:58,464 --> 00:19:59,646
Okay.
264
00:19:59,746 --> 00:20:02,500
You realize that's where we are, right?
265
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,751
It's that bad?
266
00:20:05,623 --> 00:20:09,627
We run a company together.
Jesus Christ, where the hell are you?
267
00:20:09,727 --> 00:20:14,042
- Wait. I thought we were doing okay.
- We were doing okay in the '90s.
268
00:20:14,142 --> 00:20:17,350
Not so much now. We're going to have
to start laying people off again.
269
00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:18,715
No, no.
270
00:20:19,670 --> 00:20:22,773
So, they thought I had this virus
that only cats get,
271
00:20:23,550 --> 00:20:26,043
but it turned out to just be IBS.
272
00:20:27,001 --> 00:20:29,380
So I couldn't have any orgasms.
273
00:20:30,691 --> 00:20:34,281
I was in the hospital for three weeks.
274
00:20:35,518 --> 00:20:37,652
But I feel so much better now.
275
00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:42,693
That is so great, Alice.
276
00:20:42,793 --> 00:20:44,777
- Should I just bring it in?
- Sure.
277
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:47,397
Great. Pastrami's mine.
278
00:20:48,758 --> 00:20:50,298
Why don't we get to your idea?
279
00:20:53,235 --> 00:20:55,804
I want a talk show with me as the host.
280
00:20:57,607 --> 00:21:02,820
Okay. Well, it wouldn't... be our
first foray into vanity programming.
281
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,616
That's true. Last year
we did that hobby show.
282
00:21:05,716 --> 00:21:07,551
I think Alice wants
to take over for Oprah.
283
00:21:09,367 --> 00:21:11,021
- Good deal.
- That's crazy.
284
00:21:11,121 --> 00:21:13,924
So, you want to talk
about current events?
285
00:21:14,424 --> 00:21:15,460
No.
286
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,985
A show with guests and do interviews?
287
00:21:19,085 --> 00:21:20,048
No.
288
00:21:20,156 --> 00:21:21,963
What kind of stuff
do you want to talk about?
289
00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:25,953
Me.
290
00:21:26,053 --> 00:21:28,539
I'm still not getting
what the show is going to be.
291
00:21:28,639 --> 00:21:30,273
Let me, Deb.
292
00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:35,190
Alice directing, shooting, editing,
sets, costume design,
293
00:21:35,290 --> 00:21:36,814
- hair and makeup.
- Yeah. I want all that.
294
00:21:36,914 --> 00:21:41,221
All these things add up to making,
creating your own show extremely expensive.
295
00:21:41,321 --> 00:21:43,987
Yeah, particularly when you're not
offsetting those costs
296
00:21:44,087 --> 00:21:45,956
with income from selling products.
297
00:21:46,056 --> 00:21:48,993
- Are we talking about a half hour or...
- Two hours.
298
00:21:49,993 --> 00:21:54,214
- How much would that cost?
- Two hours?
299
00:21:54,314 --> 00:21:56,470
You're looking at $100,000 an episode.
300
00:21:56,570 --> 00:21:59,300
I'd say more like 150.
301
00:22:04,006 --> 00:22:06,574
And that times a hundred would be...
302
00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:10,204
That's $15 million.
303
00:22:10,304 --> 00:22:12,580
$15 million.
304
00:22:20,590 --> 00:22:23,180
My business stuff.
305
00:22:42,978 --> 00:22:46,180
Oh, and I want to come in
on a swan boat.
306
00:22:56,025 --> 00:22:57,661
$15 million.
307
00:22:58,624 --> 00:23:00,097
Guys, we're doing this.
308
00:23:00,597 --> 00:23:02,399
$15 million.
309
00:23:02,499 --> 00:23:06,413
- Yes. Come on, it'll be fun.
- Like a nervous breakdown is fun?
310
00:23:07,013 --> 00:23:09,175
Dawn, everyone...
311
00:23:09,275 --> 00:23:11,606
we do this show or we start
laying people off again.
312
00:23:11,706 --> 00:23:14,712
Have you thought about how this
is going to affect the other brands?
313
00:23:14,812 --> 00:23:17,715
Well, Live Alchemy hasn't turned
a profit in two and a half years.
314
00:23:17,815 --> 00:23:19,970
Same with Viva Ceramica, San Tropez,
315
00:23:20,070 --> 00:23:22,893
Neo Regenerative. Neo Regenerative
has never turned a profit.
316
00:23:22,993 --> 00:23:25,790
- Neo Regenetif. It's French.
- Is that how you say it? Shut up.
317
00:23:26,790 --> 00:23:30,654
Here's the deal. We are dead
in the water without this woman.
318
00:23:54,948 --> 00:23:56,403
The almonds.
319
00:23:56,503 --> 00:23:59,457
Leave the almonds on the floor.
I can clean them up after the session.
320
00:23:59,557 --> 00:24:01,792
Would it make you feel better
if you were eating, too?
321
00:24:01,892 --> 00:24:06,764
This eating is not working for me.
The food is distracting from the work.
322
00:24:06,964 --> 00:24:09,600
I have to eat because
of my new relationship with glucose.
323
00:24:09,700 --> 00:24:12,569
All right. You can have
a snack at five of two
324
00:24:12,669 --> 00:24:16,004
and another one at 2:50.
Please stop eating in session.
325
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:24,478
So...
326
00:24:24,578 --> 00:24:27,830
like Oprah, but with a swan boat.
327
00:24:27,930 --> 00:24:29,862
Talk show.
328
00:24:30,454 --> 00:24:32,092
Hosted by...
329
00:24:32,192 --> 00:24:34,191
Me.
330
00:24:34,291 --> 00:24:37,227
- Hosted by you.
- Yeah.
331
00:24:38,566 --> 00:24:40,164
All right.
Well, how about a little recap?
332
00:24:40,264 --> 00:24:43,587
In case you missed last week's episode
of the Alice Klieg Show...
333
00:24:43,687 --> 00:24:45,402
That's not what it's called.
334
00:24:45,802 --> 00:24:48,038
That's not the name of it.
335
00:24:48,638 --> 00:24:52,810
You're off your meds,
you just spent $15 million,
336
00:24:52,910 --> 00:24:56,911
you're living in a reservation casino,
and you're hosting your own talk show.
337
00:25:00,782 --> 00:25:03,220
I thought I asked you not to eat.
338
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:04,485
It's a banana.
339
00:25:06,555 --> 00:25:08,823
It's in its own container.
340
00:25:09,959 --> 00:25:12,760
I come out... on the swan boat.
341
00:25:27,176 --> 00:25:29,677
And then I talk about myself.
342
00:25:31,948 --> 00:25:36,486
Is there a show that's kind of like
what you want your show to be?
343
00:25:36,986 --> 00:25:38,489
Oprah.
344
00:25:38,589 --> 00:25:41,224
So, maybe we should watch
some old Oprahs
345
00:25:41,324 --> 00:25:44,628
and pay special attention
to how each show has a topic.
346
00:25:44,728 --> 00:25:46,001
I have a topic.
347
00:25:46,101 --> 00:25:48,291
- Which is?
- Me.
348
00:25:49,599 --> 00:25:52,870
- What does that mean?
- You know, just what I love.
349
00:25:52,970 --> 00:25:55,439
My hopes, my dreams. What I like to eat.
350
00:25:55,539 --> 00:25:59,397
Who I think is a cunt. My spirituality.
351
00:26:00,442 --> 00:26:01,432
Me.
352
00:26:02,679 --> 00:26:05,385
We need to figure out
how to break this down into segments.
353
00:26:05,515 --> 00:26:08,085
- This is going be live.
- Yeah, okay.
354
00:26:08,185 --> 00:26:13,356
Well... we have regulating your moods
with a high protein lifestyle.
355
00:26:14,824 --> 00:26:18,528
- I want to do a reenactment.
- About what?
356
00:26:18,628 --> 00:26:20,831
- Jordana.
- Jordana who?
357
00:26:21,452 --> 00:26:24,799
- Jordana Spangler.
- Who is Jordana Spangler?
358
00:26:30,272 --> 00:26:31,306
A liar.
359
00:26:38,647 --> 00:26:40,981
Donna Keever.
360
00:26:42,952 --> 00:26:45,021
We'll be right with you.
361
00:26:45,121 --> 00:26:47,667
Alice's. For the reenactments.
362
00:26:47,767 --> 00:26:52,292
- Oh, right. Where is she?
- In the booth, recording her theme song.
363
00:27:00,636 --> 00:27:03,073
You should hear these segment ideas.
364
00:27:03,173 --> 00:27:05,809
- "Matching Colors to Emotions."
- Okay. What else?
365
00:27:05,909 --> 00:27:08,211
"To Be a Woman." That one's a song.
366
00:27:08,311 --> 00:27:10,781
Something called
"I Can Still Smell You."
367
00:27:10,881 --> 00:27:13,483
"Lucky Foods", "You Got Everything,
I Got Nothing."
368
00:27:13,583 --> 00:27:17,220
Can we please... talk about this?
369
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:19,956
Talk about what?
370
00:27:20,056 --> 00:27:22,859
I don't feel great
about where this is going.
371
00:27:22,959 --> 00:27:26,026
How do you feel
about where this is going?
372
00:27:30,166 --> 00:27:33,644
I'm glad we got to do this.
I got work to do.
373
00:27:46,582 --> 00:27:49,085
Poor sad eyes.
374
00:27:49,185 --> 00:27:50,854
I miss being around dogs.
375
00:27:59,328 --> 00:28:01,198
I'll take Godzilla over here.
376
00:28:01,498 --> 00:28:03,409
Get in.
377
00:28:13,642 --> 00:28:14,888
You want to talk camera?
378
00:28:16,212 --> 00:28:18,815
That's the zoom. That's the focus.
379
00:28:19,015 --> 00:28:21,166
Here's the pan.
380
00:28:22,351 --> 00:28:25,397
Yeah? And the tilt.
381
00:28:29,491 --> 00:28:33,162
And up here's the tally light.
When that's on, you know it's recording.
382
00:28:33,262 --> 00:28:37,066
- Do you want to have dinner?
- I can't.
383
00:28:37,166 --> 00:28:39,681
Can it be a work dinner?
384
00:28:39,781 --> 00:28:42,340
Can it not be a work dinner?
385
00:28:48,244 --> 00:28:51,312
It's just a restraining order.
It's not a big deal.
386
00:28:52,181 --> 00:28:54,918
- Sounds like cops.
- It's real.
387
00:28:55,018 --> 00:28:58,802
I can't go within 50 feet of her.
Or Souplantation.
388
00:29:02,391 --> 00:29:04,861
I've been divorced twice.
389
00:29:04,961 --> 00:29:07,030
Really?
390
00:29:07,630 --> 00:29:09,499
Yeah.
391
00:29:09,599 --> 00:29:11,366
Not twice. I mean three times.
392
00:29:12,835 --> 00:29:15,769
I... I love too much.
393
00:29:19,470 --> 00:29:20,675
It's not a good thing.
394
00:29:23,111 --> 00:29:25,490
I have a swing over my bed.
395
00:29:26,448 --> 00:29:28,551
I mean, I...
396
00:29:28,651 --> 00:29:32,556
I used to... It's in the garage now.
397
00:29:32,656 --> 00:29:34,755
Can I make an observation?
398
00:29:35,958 --> 00:29:37,194
Sure.
399
00:29:37,294 --> 00:29:39,443
I want you to fuck me so bad.
400
00:29:47,636 --> 00:29:49,620
Hang over.
401
00:30:00,616 --> 00:30:02,503
Hey.
402
00:30:13,495 --> 00:30:15,162
I'm going in there, you guys.
403
00:30:19,435 --> 00:30:21,271
Alice?
404
00:30:21,371 --> 00:30:23,240
We need you in hair and makeup.
405
00:30:23,340 --> 00:30:25,878
We're all very proud of you.
406
00:30:28,010 --> 00:30:29,146
Me, too.
407
00:30:30,452 --> 00:30:32,882
You are ready.
408
00:30:32,982 --> 00:30:35,151
You are beautiful.
409
00:30:35,251 --> 00:30:37,321
You are great.
410
00:30:37,421 --> 00:30:40,918
- You are nice.
- In front of the... lips.
411
00:30:42,958 --> 00:30:45,025
You are edible.
412
00:30:52,167 --> 00:30:55,409
This is the best
I can do for you, honey.
413
00:30:57,373 --> 00:31:00,910
- You should go now, Alice.
- Good luck.
414
00:31:01,010 --> 00:31:04,103
- It's not about luck.
- Okay.
415
00:31:06,782 --> 00:31:10,351
Thirty seconds to air.
Camera two to your mark.
416
00:31:12,988 --> 00:31:16,660
Does anyone know where she is?
We need her in the bird.
417
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:19,763
- We need to get you in the bird.
- Okay, Grace has got her.
418
00:31:19,863 --> 00:31:22,051
An Aeroknife,
no force or strength or pressure.
419
00:31:22,151 --> 00:31:24,801
She's doing the best she can.
420
00:31:24,901 --> 00:31:26,836
Do you have any questions?
421
00:31:26,936 --> 00:31:31,105
Yeah, when people see me on TV, is my face
switched around or on the right side?
422
00:31:33,075 --> 00:31:34,778
- You're going to look great.
- Thanks.
423
00:31:34,878 --> 00:31:36,851
Have fun.
424
00:31:44,086 --> 00:31:48,158
We go live in five, four, three.
425
00:31:48,258 --> 00:31:51,825
Everybody, she is on her way.
426
00:32:03,873 --> 00:32:07,187
From Palm Desert, California,
New Vibrance Studios,
427
00:32:07,287 --> 00:32:12,679
it's Welcome To Me,
with your host, Alice Klieg.
428
00:32:32,168 --> 00:32:34,151
She's doing a lot with her hands.
429
00:32:48,650 --> 00:32:52,052
- What is she doing?
- I think she's a little frozen.
430
00:32:57,593 --> 00:33:01,596
- Come on.
- Say something, Alice. Say something.
431
00:33:07,069 --> 00:33:09,409
You're on TV now.
432
00:33:12,141 --> 00:33:15,342
Hello. I'm Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.
433
00:33:19,647 --> 00:33:21,716
And so it begins.
434
00:33:23,485 --> 00:33:26,420
Lose it. Twenty to the insert.
435
00:33:30,759 --> 00:33:32,996
This morning I woke up and there was
a pubic hair on my pillow
436
00:33:33,096 --> 00:33:34,632
shaped like a question mark.
437
00:33:35,336 --> 00:33:38,335
And it really got me thinking
of unanswered questions.
438
00:33:38,535 --> 00:33:41,288
Like all the times in my life when I was
supposed to feel something,
439
00:33:41,488 --> 00:33:43,240
but I felt nothing.
440
00:33:43,340 --> 00:33:44,790
And all the other times in my life
441
00:33:44,890 --> 00:33:48,207
where I wasn't supposed to feel anything,
but I felt too much,
442
00:33:48,307 --> 00:33:51,481
and the people around me weren't
really ready for all of my feelings.
443
00:33:51,881 --> 00:33:54,250
How many episodes did she buy?
444
00:33:54,350 --> 00:33:56,219
To me, it's worse than heroin.
445
00:33:56,319 --> 00:33:59,722
Worse than any childhood
sexual abuse. You name it.
446
00:33:59,822 --> 00:34:01,891
It wasn't until
I got off the sugar wheel
447
00:34:01,991 --> 00:34:04,694
that I really took control
of my life for the first time.
448
00:34:04,794 --> 00:34:06,163
Then I went off my meds.
449
00:34:06,963 --> 00:34:08,965
Grape tomatoes. They're low glycemic...
450
00:34:09,065 --> 00:34:11,294
Did you know that?
451
00:34:12,735 --> 00:34:16,639
Ladies and gentlemen, meatloaf cake
with mashed sweet potato icing.
452
00:34:16,939 --> 00:34:20,743
With only 433 calories,
52 grams of protein,
453
00:34:20,843 --> 00:34:25,748
and only five carbohydrants.
I think I'm going to have a slice.
454
00:34:26,148 --> 00:34:28,551
Is it carbohydrates or carbohydrants?
455
00:34:28,651 --> 00:34:30,685
It's carbohydrates.
456
00:34:49,971 --> 00:34:52,976
- What's the next piece?
- No, we're on this for a while.
457
00:34:53,376 --> 00:34:55,712
Can Frank tell her to move it along?
458
00:34:55,812 --> 00:34:58,782
No, this is what she wanted.
She wanted to...
459
00:34:58,882 --> 00:35:00,245
She wanted to sit and eat
the cake for an hour?
460
00:35:00,345 --> 00:35:04,518
Yes. Not an hour.
I think it's a good five minutes, though.
461
00:35:14,496 --> 00:35:16,997
So good.
462
00:35:20,669 --> 00:35:22,639
Sometimes I really wonder about people.
463
00:35:23,139 --> 00:35:26,576
Whether they stop maturing emotionally
because of a traumatic event,
464
00:35:26,676 --> 00:35:28,111
maybe a birth defect.
465
00:35:28,811 --> 00:35:32,706
We may never know what twisted the soul
of the daughter of a California dentist,
466
00:35:32,806 --> 00:35:35,485
and to the cruel and malicious
betrayer she became.
467
00:35:36,185 --> 00:35:38,054
Come with me.
I want to show you something.
468
00:35:38,154 --> 00:35:40,588
I'm going to ride my bike.
Come, tag along.
469
00:35:44,926 --> 00:35:47,530
Your sandwich has Cheddar cheese,
470
00:35:47,630 --> 00:35:49,999
also lettuce and some mayonnaise.
471
00:35:50,099 --> 00:35:52,935
Good, good. That's what I want.
472
00:35:53,035 --> 00:35:56,906
Now, in the manner of girls,
let's share some secrets. You start.
473
00:35:57,606 --> 00:36:00,410
What a relief.
Now I can let my hair down.
474
00:36:00,510 --> 00:36:03,179
And by hair I mean defense mechanisms.
475
00:36:03,279 --> 00:36:07,250
And now that you feel safe,
you can tell me anything.
476
00:36:07,350 --> 00:36:10,394
When I was 19, I went to live
with a minister and his family
477
00:36:10,494 --> 00:36:11,751
as an exchange student.
478
00:36:11,854 --> 00:36:13,548
One day we went to the zoo
479
00:36:13,648 --> 00:36:17,156
and I saw a swan choke on a pretzel bite
before my very eyes.
480
00:36:17,256 --> 00:36:19,162
You told everyone at school
I was borderline.
481
00:36:19,262 --> 00:36:21,398
And when I asked you,
you denied telling anyone.
482
00:36:21,498 --> 00:36:24,667
But every single person that I talked to
told me that you said I was.
483
00:36:25,367 --> 00:36:29,236
Everything was different after that.
And it really hurt me.
484
00:36:57,432 --> 00:36:59,700
Fuck you to death, Jordana.
485
00:37:04,005 --> 00:37:06,283
Why did it end like that?
486
00:37:06,875 --> 00:37:09,112
We have a few bumps to iron out.
487
00:37:09,812 --> 00:37:11,414
Why does it look so inexpensive?
488
00:37:12,014 --> 00:37:14,651
Well, Alice, we got you
up and running pretty quickly,
489
00:37:14,751 --> 00:37:17,581
- so we're still trying to...
- And why doesn't it look like Oprah?
490
00:37:17,681 --> 00:37:21,057
Because you ate a cake
made out of hamburger and started crying.
491
00:37:22,057 --> 00:37:24,427
Oprah had the highest production
values in the business.
492
00:37:24,527 --> 00:37:27,310
She had the best graphics,
the best lighting, sets, sound.
493
00:37:27,410 --> 00:37:29,481
She had everything.
494
00:37:29,581 --> 00:37:31,732
I'd like that.
495
00:37:34,136 --> 00:37:36,039
This is all doable.
496
00:37:36,139 --> 00:37:38,607
Oh, I want a new opening,
497
00:37:38,707 --> 00:37:41,110
and a new Alice.
498
00:37:41,210 --> 00:37:44,413
And I'd like more swans, too.
I can bring those from home.
499
00:37:45,568 --> 00:37:49,319
Yeah. I want to talk to people.
You know, like Larry King.
500
00:37:50,219 --> 00:37:52,820
- What was wrong with the girl who played you?
- She just wasn't me.
501
00:37:55,957 --> 00:37:58,291
Can someone give me a lift?
502
00:37:58,894 --> 00:38:00,555
Sure.
503
00:38:08,236 --> 00:38:10,507
I don't even know
where to begin. Really.
504
00:38:10,907 --> 00:38:13,242
Why don't we try to get the swans?
505
00:38:13,342 --> 00:38:15,511
She has them at home.
She said she's bringing...
506
00:38:15,611 --> 00:38:18,379
I'm not buying one fucking swan.
507
00:38:22,185 --> 00:38:24,187
You left the TV on.
508
00:38:24,287 --> 00:38:26,753
It's been on for 11 years.
509
00:38:30,258 --> 00:38:32,993
I should have them
take you to the studio.
510
00:38:34,830 --> 00:38:38,933
Thanks for driving me. This is my old house
from when I was a different person.
511
00:38:50,078 --> 00:38:54,881
I see you... got everything by color.
512
00:38:55,684 --> 00:38:57,888
Colors help me keep
my emotions separate.
513
00:38:59,088 --> 00:39:01,522
Yeah, I can never keep
my emotions separate.
514
00:39:15,804 --> 00:39:18,338
Have you ever done it in a bag?
515
00:39:19,474 --> 00:39:21,308
No.
516
00:39:25,247 --> 00:39:28,482
- Shall I take this off?
- No, no.
517
00:39:34,890 --> 00:39:36,795
If you're embarrassed about your feet,
518
00:39:36,895 --> 00:39:41,130
tired of tearing pantyhose,
or sick of messy scrapers that hurt,
519
00:39:41,230 --> 00:39:45,665
then you need Ped Egg,
the number one selling ultimate way...
520
00:40:09,858 --> 00:40:14,102
Good morning. My name is Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.
521
00:40:15,263 --> 00:40:19,068
Live from New Vibrance Studios
in Palm Desert, California,
522
00:40:19,168 --> 00:40:21,370
it's Welcome To Me.
523
00:40:21,470 --> 00:40:23,871
With your host, Alice Klieg.
524
00:40:26,775 --> 00:40:28,978
That corn is pretty.
525
00:40:29,078 --> 00:40:31,612
Let's get ready to track and dissolve.
526
00:40:40,788 --> 00:40:43,192
Water. Thank you, baby.
527
00:40:43,292 --> 00:40:45,826
No problem, baby.
It's all working for you.
528
00:40:48,563 --> 00:40:51,931
And rotate set.
529
00:40:58,139 --> 00:41:01,608
Come with me. Enjoy another time
that happened to me.
530
00:41:15,590 --> 00:41:17,391
Big Bear, 1991.
531
00:41:22,297 --> 00:41:24,000
Thief!
532
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:26,781
Keep going.
533
00:41:28,536 --> 00:41:31,445
Buy your own makeup, Josie Gaston.
534
00:41:31,545 --> 00:41:32,573
Yes.
535
00:41:35,176 --> 00:41:38,444
Oh, my gosh.
536
00:41:40,215 --> 00:41:43,052
Someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag.
537
00:41:43,152 --> 00:41:46,422
Really loud. You have to yell. Yell it.
538
00:41:46,522 --> 00:41:48,075
Someone!
539
00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:54,763
Someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag!
540
00:41:55,406 --> 00:41:59,101
- How in this world.
- How in this world!
541
00:41:59,201 --> 00:42:04,373
Someone's been tampering
with my makeup... bag!
542
00:42:05,073 --> 00:42:06,149
She's got problems.
543
00:42:06,249 --> 00:42:09,412
I know, it's very upsetting.
I was very upset.
544
00:42:10,352 --> 00:42:13,679
I cried for so many days.
545
00:42:20,322 --> 00:42:22,125
You said Bill looked like a drug addict
546
00:42:22,225 --> 00:42:25,261
and that he had no business
working around people.
547
00:42:25,361 --> 00:42:29,198
- Her Mom is kicking her ass.
- But she's not paying attention, clearly.
548
00:42:29,898 --> 00:42:32,899
You remember what you want to remember.
549
00:42:35,171 --> 00:42:36,940
Now we're all paying attention.
550
00:42:37,119 --> 00:42:40,743
Grape tomatoes. They're low glycemic
and full of phytonutrients.
551
00:42:40,843 --> 00:42:42,845
- Alice?
- Yes, hi. Thanks for calling.
552
00:42:43,245 --> 00:42:45,381
- I think you're a genius.
- You do?
553
00:42:45,481 --> 00:42:48,717
Yeah. I attended
your last show, actually.
554
00:42:48,917 --> 00:42:52,152
Godzilla, come here, come here.
Godzilla, come here.
555
00:42:56,390 --> 00:42:59,528
- That's for menopause.
- I like it.
556
00:42:59,628 --> 00:43:01,797
Why don't you get a titty-kini?
557
00:43:01,897 --> 00:43:04,099
I look horrible in those.
558
00:43:04,199 --> 00:43:05,902
What do you mean
you're not a bikini type?
559
00:43:06,202 --> 00:43:10,673
You know. Bikini types. One piece types.
560
00:43:10,773 --> 00:43:12,642
You got it all wrong, Gina.
561
00:43:12,742 --> 00:43:15,878
If you want to wear a two-piece,
the decision lies with you.
562
00:43:15,978 --> 00:43:18,814
And nobody has the right
to tell you otherwise.
563
00:43:19,214 --> 00:43:21,650
Come on, love yourself.
564
00:43:22,250 --> 00:43:24,274
I sure do.
565
00:43:25,621 --> 00:43:28,176
This is the one I chose.
566
00:43:39,767 --> 00:43:41,537
Nothing. Nothing.
567
00:43:41,637 --> 00:43:45,674
There are two times in my life I've performed
oral sex on a man twice my age.
568
00:43:45,774 --> 00:43:47,655
Jesus.
569
00:43:49,344 --> 00:43:51,981
And that's when I found out
you were a hermaphrodite.
570
00:43:52,081 --> 00:43:55,353
You're a liar, Jordana Spangler.
571
00:43:55,651 --> 00:43:58,220
- You're on TV.
- I don't want to be on TV.
572
00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:00,389
Everybody wants to be on TV.
573
00:44:00,489 --> 00:44:05,191
Not everyone
is an emotional exhibitionist.
574
00:44:13,668 --> 00:44:16,772
Good morning. My name is Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.
575
00:44:16,872 --> 00:44:19,175
Welcome To Me.
Welcome To Me. Me, me, me.
576
00:44:19,475 --> 00:44:21,097
And Welcome To Me.
577
00:44:26,315 --> 00:44:28,818
I knew if I bit him again,
he would beat me.
578
00:44:29,958 --> 00:44:32,955
And I don't mean, like,
on Thanksgiving, you know,
579
00:44:33,055 --> 00:44:36,539
like a sexy beating.
I mean like a real beating.
580
00:44:38,227 --> 00:44:41,297
He would say, "That's just how we do things
in Gaithersburg, Maryland."
581
00:44:41,397 --> 00:44:44,630
Like he was Mr. Big Man,
and he really wasn't.
582
00:44:46,868 --> 00:44:51,870
I was a superior wrestler, even though
I didn't have the training he did.
583
00:45:19,300 --> 00:45:21,570
I should let you know
584
00:45:21,670 --> 00:45:24,876
that I tried to have you put
on psychiatric hold last week.
585
00:45:25,376 --> 00:45:26,409
And what is that?
586
00:45:26,509 --> 00:45:30,410
It means having you involuntarily
committed for an observation period.
587
00:45:35,776 --> 00:45:38,253
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
588
00:45:38,353 --> 00:45:41,357
I'm very worried about you.
589
00:45:41,457 --> 00:45:44,660
I feel like you are
a danger to yourself.
590
00:45:45,160 --> 00:45:47,294
Maybe I'm not what you think I am.
591
00:45:51,032 --> 00:45:53,869
I'm going to read a list of symptoms
592
00:45:53,969 --> 00:45:56,806
common to people getting off of Abilify.
593
00:45:56,906 --> 00:45:59,575
Tell me if you are experiencing
any of this, okay?
594
00:45:59,675 --> 00:46:02,565
Do you have anything to say
595
00:46:02,665 --> 00:46:05,581
before you are sentenced?
596
00:46:05,681 --> 00:46:08,551
I am innocent.
597
00:46:08,751 --> 00:46:12,788
But your wantonness and perversion
598
00:46:13,188 --> 00:46:16,859
have threatened the sanctity of Canada.
599
00:46:16,959 --> 00:46:20,913
But I never asked for these or this.
600
00:46:21,413 --> 00:46:26,168
Alice Klieg, you are found guilty.
601
00:46:26,268 --> 00:46:28,471
Guilty, guilty.
602
00:46:28,571 --> 00:46:30,737
No.
603
00:46:32,640 --> 00:46:34,412
Mama.
604
00:46:34,512 --> 00:46:39,779
It's so dark. Mama. I can see
the pommel horse, mama.
605
00:46:42,650 --> 00:46:45,053
Yeah, yeah, I got Alice.
606
00:46:45,153 --> 00:46:47,248
Yeah, copy that.
607
00:46:49,924 --> 00:46:51,925
Miss Klieg.
608
00:46:53,661 --> 00:46:56,632
- Who are you?
- Hi. I'm Rainer.
609
00:46:56,832 --> 00:46:59,719
- I actually called during your last show.
- I remember.
610
00:46:59,819 --> 00:47:04,340
Yeah. I just want to say I thought
this was, like, your best show yet.
611
00:47:04,440 --> 00:47:07,710
- Really?
- Yeah, you should do five shows a week.
612
00:47:08,010 --> 00:47:10,613
- I hate waiting.
- Like Oprah.
613
00:47:10,713 --> 00:47:12,715
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm writing this paper about you,
614
00:47:12,815 --> 00:47:14,917
about your invention
of the narrative infomercial,
615
00:47:15,017 --> 00:47:18,587
and I was wondering if maybe
you would want to be interviewed.
616
00:47:18,687 --> 00:47:21,764
- Okay.
- Yeah?
617
00:47:23,691 --> 00:47:26,256
Same stuff here.
618
00:47:32,633 --> 00:47:34,070
- Hey, Alice.
- Guess what.
619
00:47:34,170 --> 00:47:37,562
They picked up my show
for five days a week.
620
00:47:37,662 --> 00:47:38,656
Wow, that's great.
621
00:47:38,756 --> 00:47:41,810
And I'm recording my song
with a European orchestra,
622
00:47:41,910 --> 00:47:44,246
and they're studying me in school.
623
00:47:44,546 --> 00:47:47,850
This grad student came to my show.
He was wearing a tuxedo.
624
00:47:47,950 --> 00:47:51,186
That's... so great, Alice.
625
00:47:51,286 --> 00:47:52,688
It just, you know, for the record,
626
00:47:52,788 --> 00:47:56,492
I just want to say that I don't...
I don't like bikinis.
627
00:47:56,592 --> 00:47:59,661
It's not that I think that I'm fat
or anything. I just I don't...
628
00:47:59,761 --> 00:48:01,964
- They're ready to start.
- You know what? I got to go.
629
00:48:02,064 --> 00:48:03,899
- Sorry, I'm at work.
- Okay.
630
00:48:09,573 --> 00:48:12,274
Cindy Sherman.
631
00:48:12,374 --> 00:48:14,843
Yeah, from Laverne and Shirley?
632
00:48:15,443 --> 00:48:18,162
No, no. She's a photographer.
633
00:48:19,982 --> 00:48:21,401
Man, the fact that you don't know
who she is,
634
00:48:21,501 --> 00:48:25,754
makes you, like, 75 million times
more radical than you already are.
635
00:48:25,854 --> 00:48:28,590
- Do you mind if I...
- No. Not at all.
636
00:48:28,990 --> 00:48:30,759
I love your facial expressions.
637
00:48:31,359 --> 00:48:33,032
Well, thank you.
638
00:48:33,132 --> 00:48:35,664
I've never been interviewed before.
639
00:48:35,764 --> 00:48:39,265
- Well, yeah, cheers.
- Congratulations.
640
00:48:43,871 --> 00:48:46,541
- Oh, is it not good?
- I don't drink.
641
00:48:46,641 --> 00:48:49,215
Cool. So, I'm interviewing you
642
00:48:49,315 --> 00:48:52,014
for this class that I'm in right now
called Memoir in Performance,
643
00:48:52,114 --> 00:48:54,548
- and when I saw your reenactments...
- I love you.
644
00:48:58,919 --> 00:49:01,524
I love the way that you play with gender
645
00:49:01,624 --> 00:49:05,728
and race and time
and perception in your work.
646
00:49:05,828 --> 00:49:09,031
I'm just wondering, what's behind
the color-blind casting for you?
647
00:49:09,331 --> 00:49:12,434
Oh, you mean the skier in "Someone's
been tampering with my makeup bag?"
648
00:49:12,534 --> 00:49:16,004
- Yeah.
- She was the prettiest that day.
649
00:49:16,104 --> 00:49:18,912
I was prettier back then.
650
00:49:19,641 --> 00:49:22,211
Do you think I'm pretty now?
651
00:49:22,611 --> 00:49:25,505
- That's what you said.
- I said...
652
00:49:27,282 --> 00:49:29,918
It's got 170,000 hits already.
653
00:49:30,018 --> 00:49:34,056
- How did you know I was on here?
- I'm monitoring your web presence.
654
00:49:35,108 --> 00:49:39,191
You've got some copycats, too.
But they're not you.
655
00:49:43,631 --> 00:49:46,168
I don't feel so good.
656
00:49:47,068 --> 00:49:48,804
You're not supposed to swallow it.
657
00:49:49,505 --> 00:49:52,071
Am I supposed to swallow you?
658
00:49:54,809 --> 00:49:56,642
Alice.
659
00:49:57,492 --> 00:49:59,519
Oh, my God.
660
00:50:27,374 --> 00:50:29,011
Birth.
661
00:50:29,111 --> 00:50:30,846
Purpose.
662
00:50:30,946 --> 00:50:32,481
Destiny.
663
00:50:32,581 --> 00:50:34,942
Intention.
664
00:50:35,584 --> 00:50:37,439
Oprah Winfrey.
665
00:50:37,539 --> 00:50:42,758
From the early days of television,
there has been an unbroken line of sharing,
666
00:50:42,858 --> 00:50:45,561
showing, and growing.
667
00:50:45,961 --> 00:50:48,747
Thank you for choosing Welcome To Me.
668
00:50:48,847 --> 00:50:53,366
Fasten your safety belts
and prepare for take-off.
669
00:50:54,235 --> 00:50:58,037
And now, your host, Alice Klieg.
670
00:51:13,754 --> 00:51:16,192
Alice? Are you still there?
671
00:51:16,292 --> 00:51:21,297
- Yeah, I'm here.
- I hear... noises in the background there.
672
00:51:21,997 --> 00:51:24,566
- Oh, I'm at the airport.
- Where are you flying to?
673
00:51:24,666 --> 00:51:27,669
Oh, I'm not. I just...
I had to mail something.
674
00:51:27,769 --> 00:51:29,405
Okay.
675
00:51:29,505 --> 00:51:32,674
So, are you planning on seeing...
676
00:51:32,774 --> 00:51:35,144
- his name...
- Rainer?
677
00:51:35,244 --> 00:51:37,811
Are you s... Are you planning
on seeing Rainer again?
678
00:51:40,915 --> 00:51:42,323
Hello?
679
00:51:46,754 --> 00:51:49,079
- I want you to know I'm not mad at you anymore.
- About what?
680
00:51:49,179 --> 00:51:51,893
Remember the other day
when you yelled at me?
681
00:51:51,993 --> 00:51:55,898
Alice, please reconsider
getting back on your regimen.
682
00:51:55,998 --> 00:51:59,735
If it's a dosage thing,
we can figure it out, make adjustments.
683
00:51:59,835 --> 00:52:02,368
Okay, our time is up.
684
00:52:10,277 --> 00:52:13,148
We've got red kidney beans, ground beef,
685
00:52:13,248 --> 00:52:15,984
low sugar tomato sauce,
herbs and spices,
686
00:52:16,084 --> 00:52:20,055
bringing us in at only nine grams
of carbohydrants per serving.
687
00:52:20,155 --> 00:52:22,121
Now, that's a low glycemic meal.
688
00:52:28,364 --> 00:52:32,268
- Dawn? Frank? Can you see this?
- Not really, Alice.
689
00:52:32,368 --> 00:52:36,038
Why don't you bring it on down
so the audience can take a look?
690
00:52:36,538 --> 00:52:39,772
- Good idea, baby.
- No problem, baby.
691
00:52:42,618 --> 00:52:44,871
Oh, my God, I'm burning.
692
00:52:44,971 --> 00:52:47,949
- Oh, my God. I'm burning.
- Grace, go help her get that off.
693
00:52:48,532 --> 00:52:51,053
Oh, my... Get away from me.
694
00:52:51,153 --> 00:52:54,741
How did this happen? Help me!
695
00:52:58,553 --> 00:53:02,996
Whose job is this? Help me! Gabe!
696
00:53:04,765 --> 00:53:08,437
- You should try Gabe again.
- I'll try him in a little bit.
697
00:53:08,537 --> 00:53:12,541
- Did you tell him I'm in the burn unit?
- Yeah, I already did.
698
00:53:13,141 --> 00:53:15,110
Will it be a lot of damage?
699
00:53:15,210 --> 00:53:18,016
Only second-degree burns.
700
00:53:18,747 --> 00:53:20,546
Why did this happen to me?
701
00:53:23,417 --> 00:53:25,806
Lady Gym is closing.
702
00:53:28,956 --> 00:53:30,957
Do you think I should sue the station?
703
00:53:33,260 --> 00:53:35,664
I lost my job.
704
00:53:36,161 --> 00:53:38,500
You'll find one.
705
00:53:39,340 --> 00:53:41,200
I can't feel my tits.
706
00:53:45,072 --> 00:53:46,975
Oh, don't go. Please.
707
00:53:47,075 --> 00:53:49,945
I got to get a few hours sleep
or I'll be useless tomorrow.
708
00:53:50,045 --> 00:53:51,913
I have four interviews lined up.
709
00:53:52,613 --> 00:53:54,080
Okay.
710
00:54:03,924 --> 00:54:07,994
Can someone please
turn my fucking TV on?
711
00:54:24,145 --> 00:54:27,515
- You didn't answer the front door.
- That's right, I didn't.
712
00:54:27,815 --> 00:54:29,551
I saw the show.
713
00:54:30,289 --> 00:54:32,020
Which one?
714
00:54:32,120 --> 00:54:34,220
The one that I was on.
715
00:54:36,557 --> 00:54:38,624
- I should've let you know.
- Yes, you should have.
716
00:54:41,362 --> 00:54:43,420
Where are you going?
717
00:54:43,866 --> 00:54:47,202
These are all well respected doctors,
a couple of whom I know personally.
718
00:54:47,302 --> 00:54:49,204
They'd be happy to consider
taking you on as a patient.
719
00:54:49,304 --> 00:54:51,239
- You're firing me?
- I'm not firing you.
720
00:54:51,339 --> 00:54:54,640
I'm seeing to my own safety.
You should try it.
721
00:54:56,310 --> 00:54:58,093
Daryl?
722
00:55:00,314 --> 00:55:01,959
Daryl?
723
00:55:02,759 --> 00:55:04,927
Come back.
724
00:55:11,592 --> 00:55:16,095
No, I'm just eating a cheese sandwich.
725
00:55:17,131 --> 00:55:19,178
Alice.
726
00:55:20,134 --> 00:55:22,003
There she is.
727
00:55:22,103 --> 00:55:23,639
- Welcome back.
- Thanks.
728
00:55:23,739 --> 00:55:26,641
I've got something
that might cheer you up.
729
00:55:26,741 --> 00:55:28,710
Turn to page 31.
730
00:55:28,810 --> 00:55:32,180
Not only did somebody make the ratings,
731
00:55:32,280 --> 00:55:34,313
somebody beat
the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
732
00:55:36,917 --> 00:55:39,888
And I just got a call
from KPXN San Bernardino.
733
00:55:39,988 --> 00:55:41,323
They want you for a time-buy.
734
00:55:41,823 --> 00:55:44,125
Congrats, Alice.
735
00:55:44,725 --> 00:55:46,620
Thanks.
736
00:55:47,329 --> 00:55:49,364
So, what's on for Monday?
737
00:55:49,764 --> 00:55:51,397
I want to neuter a dog.
738
00:55:54,458 --> 00:55:55,668
On TV?
739
00:55:59,874 --> 00:56:02,243
- Deb's walking.
- Walking?
740
00:56:02,343 --> 00:56:04,212
Quitting.
741
00:56:04,658 --> 00:56:06,079
No, no, no, no.
742
00:56:09,350 --> 00:56:11,417
Deborah.
743
00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:15,056
She's a menace, Rich.
744
00:56:15,156 --> 00:56:16,858
I can't believe
you're letting her come back.
745
00:56:16,958 --> 00:56:19,461
Oh, wait, yeah. Of course I can.
746
00:56:19,561 --> 00:56:22,195
'Cause you are a greedy twat.
747
00:56:28,502 --> 00:56:30,836
She has a point.
748
00:56:33,507 --> 00:56:36,037
Go have fun with your girlfriend.
749
00:56:36,977 --> 00:56:38,820
I'm done.
750
00:56:40,547 --> 00:56:42,184
Go home. I'll finish up with Alice.
751
00:56:42,284 --> 00:56:45,350
- No, I mean really done.
- Go home, Gabe!
752
00:56:49,690 --> 00:56:52,007
You like being a bully?
753
00:56:52,793 --> 00:56:54,363
You seem a little tense, Gabriel.
754
00:56:54,463 --> 00:56:56,829
Why don't you get married
and divorced again?
755
00:57:02,503 --> 00:57:05,707
- She's rubbing off on you.
- You don't respect me.
756
00:57:05,807 --> 00:57:07,843
You never have.
I want you to buy me out.
757
00:57:08,243 --> 00:57:12,511
- Oh, you're so superior.
- I'll have Barb draw everything up.
758
00:57:17,251 --> 00:57:19,085
Jesus.
759
00:57:25,793 --> 00:57:28,664
I was a veterinary nurse for six years,
760
00:57:28,764 --> 00:57:31,366
and assisted in hundreds
of these "pro-said-ures".
761
00:57:32,566 --> 00:57:35,203
Once again the reckless copulation
762
00:57:35,303 --> 00:57:38,840
of our animal kingdom
leaves us with a "tis-nammi"
763
00:57:38,940 --> 00:57:40,877
of puppies and kitties.
764
00:57:41,977 --> 00:57:45,581
Over the next few weeks,
I plan to neuter my own pets,
765
00:57:45,981 --> 00:57:49,982
and any pets any viewers
would like to bring by the studio.
766
00:57:51,351 --> 00:57:54,198
- It's a public service.
- As you can see,
767
00:57:54,298 --> 00:57:58,760
Godzilla is receiving a mixture
of oxygen and isofluorine gas.
768
00:57:58,860 --> 00:58:01,329
It's really important, as you know,
to remove all the hair
769
00:58:01,429 --> 00:58:04,299
from the penis and walnuts
before we begin.
770
00:58:04,399 --> 00:58:05,842
Let's castrate.
771
00:58:09,236 --> 00:58:10,680
First cut is the deepest.
772
00:58:14,550 --> 00:58:19,579
We're going to want to remove
the walnuts from the other tissue.
773
00:58:23,250 --> 00:58:25,484
Now I'm going to tie it off
with the monofilament.
774
00:58:30,291 --> 00:58:32,974
This is called a subcuticular suture.
775
00:58:34,429 --> 00:58:38,100
And it's going to dissolve in case
the doggie licks the little wound.
776
00:58:38,200 --> 00:58:41,234
If you have a dog that needs
to be neutered, please contact...
777
00:58:42,803 --> 00:58:45,707
- How are you doing, George?
- I'm... need water.
778
00:58:46,107 --> 00:58:48,273
We're doing a good thing.
779
00:58:51,445 --> 00:58:53,646
Doing this all week.
780
00:59:34,888 --> 00:59:36,826
Let's start with the easy stuff.
781
00:59:38,326 --> 00:59:40,893
Here's what Gabe wants.
782
00:59:41,896 --> 00:59:44,232
That's just hurtful. What about Landon?
783
00:59:44,332 --> 00:59:47,402
- He's still on the fence.
- He's crackpot. Never hit him.
784
00:59:47,502 --> 00:59:50,870
Not the point. If he decides
to sue, he will win.
785
00:59:53,306 --> 00:59:56,539
What are you playing at here, Richard?
786
00:59:57,278 --> 00:59:58,711
She wants to be televised.
787
01:00:01,715 --> 01:00:06,154
She calls this guy "taker,"
said he was a "prostitute of the mind."
788
01:00:06,354 --> 01:00:08,824
Accused this married mother of three
789
01:00:08,924 --> 01:00:13,495
of stealing assorted cosmetic
products from her in 1991.
790
01:00:13,595 --> 01:00:17,332
And the list just goes on and on and on.
791
01:00:17,632 --> 01:00:19,751
- How much they all want?
- I'm not done.
792
01:00:19,851 --> 01:00:23,939
The ASPCA is going to be here tomorrow
about what she's doing to those dogs.
793
01:00:24,039 --> 01:00:26,806
- Okay. Thank you, Barb.
- Richard.
794
01:00:29,076 --> 01:00:31,477
They're going to shut
your ass down, Richard.
795
01:00:35,215 --> 01:00:37,385
- What's going on?
- I'll be brief.
796
01:00:37,485 --> 01:00:40,288
No more neuterings, okay?
All this shit has got to go by tomorrow.
797
01:00:40,388 --> 01:00:43,332
Take the fucking dogs out of here.
I can't house them anymore.
798
01:00:43,432 --> 01:00:46,094
I can't do it. All right?
That's just health code stuff.
799
01:00:47,064 --> 01:00:51,410
Does he know we're live?
Should I say something?
800
01:00:54,601 --> 01:00:57,438
There are 31 lawsuits
filed against New Vibrance
801
01:00:57,538 --> 01:00:59,341
from people you slandered on the air.
802
01:00:59,641 --> 01:01:02,043
So you better get that pretty binder out
and make all these go away
803
01:01:02,143 --> 01:01:06,548
or a lot of good hard working
non-psychotic people will lose their jobs.
804
01:01:06,648 --> 01:01:10,418
If you hurt or come close to hurting
someone in my employ again,
805
01:01:10,518 --> 01:01:14,353
you can find somewhere else to do
this nonsense. No discussion.
806
01:01:16,423 --> 01:01:20,862
Also, stop screwing my brother.
That's probably best for everybody.
807
01:01:20,962 --> 01:01:23,431
Have a fantastic show.
808
01:01:24,699 --> 01:01:26,232
No, this is not the show!
809
01:01:28,735 --> 01:01:30,002
Okay.
810
01:02:09,476 --> 01:02:10,979
That's all for today.
811
01:02:11,779 --> 01:02:14,682
Alice, you have another 40 minutes.
812
01:02:14,782 --> 01:02:17,118
I'm done for today.
813
01:02:17,218 --> 01:02:19,054
Can someone please get my dogs?
814
01:02:19,154 --> 01:02:23,456
Let's get Alice her doggies.
And you heard the lady, that's a wrap.
815
01:02:29,073 --> 01:02:30,729
Can I go home, too?
816
01:02:34,234 --> 01:02:36,301
Come on, guys.
817
01:02:37,403 --> 01:02:39,374
Where's my car?
818
01:02:39,474 --> 01:02:41,643
- He's coming later.
- Why later?
819
01:02:41,743 --> 01:02:44,543
- You finished up early today.
- Oh, yeah.
820
01:02:51,618 --> 01:02:55,057
Hi, this is Gina.
I'm sorry I wasn't able...
821
01:02:55,490 --> 01:02:58,491
Sorry I wasn't able to pick up the phone.
Please leave me a message.
822
01:03:01,061 --> 01:03:03,931
I need to cancel my chauffeur today.
823
01:03:04,841 --> 01:03:07,032
This whole week, actually.
824
01:03:08,302 --> 01:03:11,570
- Room service.
- Leave it outside!
825
01:03:17,911 --> 01:03:20,448
This next story is a perfect example
of true friendship.
826
01:03:20,748 --> 01:03:22,018
Go away!
827
01:03:22,118 --> 01:03:25,286
Hi, this is Gina. I'm sorry
I wasn't able to come to the phone.
828
01:03:25,886 --> 01:03:28,690
And I explained this to you guys before,
829
01:03:28,790 --> 01:03:31,559
and now I have
a thousand packets of protein
830
01:03:31,659 --> 01:03:35,596
with... 32 grams of carbohydrants,
831
01:03:35,696 --> 01:03:40,368
and... at 16 grams of straight glucose,
832
01:03:40,468 --> 01:03:43,269
and I can't, yeah, I can't use that.
833
01:03:46,480 --> 01:03:49,835
I want everybody, everybody in the audience
and all of you at home right now,
834
01:03:49,935 --> 01:03:53,343
no matter what are you doing,
I want you to take a deep breath.
835
01:03:53,949 --> 01:03:57,085
In and out. Thank you so much.
836
01:03:57,185 --> 01:04:00,855
Again. In and out.
837
01:04:01,355 --> 01:04:03,889
Just relax for the next hour.
838
01:04:10,631 --> 01:04:13,000
Ms. Klieg, are you still there?
839
01:04:13,100 --> 01:04:15,381
I'm all alone.
840
01:04:25,846 --> 01:04:27,972
Please.
841
01:04:28,649 --> 01:04:31,170
Please. I'm all alone.
842
01:04:36,190 --> 01:04:38,823
I live in a casino.
843
01:06:04,410 --> 01:06:06,548
Oh, thank God. Thank God.
844
01:06:06,648 --> 01:06:10,240
Oh, gosh, you're the only
normal person I've seen.
845
01:06:19,092 --> 01:06:22,830
Back on the happy pills.
Look out, world.
846
01:06:22,930 --> 01:06:25,466
When do you get out?
847
01:06:26,887 --> 01:06:28,267
24 hours.
848
01:06:30,570 --> 01:06:32,473
I haven't talked to you
since the burn unit.
849
01:06:32,573 --> 01:06:35,476
I've called you, like, a million times.
850
01:06:35,576 --> 01:06:37,882
Look, it's better.
851
01:06:39,379 --> 01:06:41,282
Aren't you happy to see me?
852
01:06:41,382 --> 01:06:44,085
- Ted has the dogs.
- Oh, my God, I forgot.
853
01:06:44,385 --> 01:06:48,256
As soon as they let you out, you need
to get them. He can't keep them.
854
01:06:49,556 --> 01:06:51,681
Wait, you're leaving?
855
01:06:54,294 --> 01:06:56,658
You're a terrible friend.
856
01:06:57,198 --> 01:07:00,635
You only care about your own pain.
857
01:07:00,735 --> 01:07:03,604
I'm sorry you hurt so bad,
858
01:07:03,904 --> 01:07:08,189
but that doesn't mean other people
aren't vulnerable or sensitive.
859
01:07:08,459 --> 01:07:10,044
And just because you made
a career out of it
860
01:07:10,144 --> 01:07:13,048
doesn't mean that other people
don't have feelings.
861
01:07:13,448 --> 01:07:18,316
You don't get to fucking cry right now.
I am crying right now.
862
01:07:20,754 --> 01:07:22,690
I lost my job.
863
01:07:22,790 --> 01:07:26,427
And I told, and you haven't
asked me once if I was okay
864
01:07:26,527 --> 01:07:29,130
- or if I needed any help.
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
865
01:07:29,230 --> 01:07:31,932
I'm sorry. If you want,
I can give you money.
866
01:07:32,032 --> 01:07:34,586
I don't want money.
867
01:07:37,304 --> 01:07:39,874
I just want my friend.
868
01:07:40,374 --> 01:07:43,448
Gina, wait. Gina.
869
01:07:43,548 --> 01:07:47,279
Fuck you for making me fat
on your stupid show.
870
01:08:07,600 --> 01:08:09,737
What? That's all I have left?
871
01:08:10,237 --> 01:08:14,041
When you win $86 million,
you don't actually get $86 million.
872
01:08:14,441 --> 01:08:17,879
So, conservatively speaking,
that's all I have left.
873
01:08:17,979 --> 01:08:20,515
That's a fortune. It's still a fortune.
874
01:08:20,615 --> 01:08:24,316
If I were you, I would put this
in a safe place right away.
875
01:08:27,053 --> 01:08:32,055
- It's in the bank.
- I mean to invest it. I will help you.
876
01:08:35,228 --> 01:08:37,832
If you make a few smart choices,
877
01:08:37,932 --> 01:08:41,466
you can have a very comfortable life.
878
01:08:50,176 --> 01:08:52,646
Did you get our flowers?
879
01:08:52,746 --> 01:08:56,050
Yes. They were very nice, thank you.
880
01:08:56,650 --> 01:08:58,419
You feeling better?
881
01:08:58,519 --> 01:09:01,288
Much. Yeah.
882
01:09:01,388 --> 01:09:04,947
- Back on my meds.
- Oh, good.
883
01:09:05,459 --> 01:09:07,695
So, what's on your mind?
884
01:09:07,795 --> 01:09:12,934
I have six shows left,
but I want to do one long one.
885
01:09:13,534 --> 01:09:17,102
- Well, we just assumed you were done.
- Almost.
886
01:09:18,705 --> 01:09:20,138
What did you have in mind?
887
01:09:21,441 --> 01:09:22,708
Something big.
888
01:09:27,480 --> 01:09:29,982
Oh, we can do big.
889
01:09:37,615 --> 01:09:38,726
Alice.
890
01:09:39,426 --> 01:09:42,093
I know you're mad at me.
891
01:09:42,662 --> 01:09:46,131
And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
892
01:09:47,701 --> 01:09:49,543
I accept your apology.
893
01:09:51,137 --> 01:09:53,001
Okay.
894
01:09:57,377 --> 01:09:58,803
I do hope for you, Alice.
895
01:10:01,381 --> 01:10:02,758
I hope you have a good life.
896
01:10:04,284 --> 01:10:06,120
Thanks.
897
01:10:06,820 --> 01:10:08,289
Goodbye, Alice.
898
01:10:09,675 --> 01:10:11,384
Can I come in?
899
01:10:20,166 --> 01:10:23,671
Hey, Gina. It's me. I know
I'm not supposed to be calling you,
900
01:10:23,771 --> 01:10:27,708
but I just wanted you to know
that I'm having one last final show
901
01:10:27,808 --> 01:10:32,379
and I want... I would be honored
if you were there.
902
01:10:32,479 --> 01:10:34,402
So...
903
01:10:34,502 --> 01:10:37,082
please come. Please come.
904
01:11:10,783 --> 01:11:15,887
Five, four, three, two.
905
01:11:18,525 --> 01:11:22,094
Live, from beautiful
Palm Desert, California.
906
01:11:23,697 --> 01:11:26,634
A special encore presentation
907
01:11:26,734 --> 01:11:30,502
with your host, Alice Klieg.
908
01:11:35,408 --> 01:11:37,311
Thank you. Thank you.
909
01:11:38,102 --> 01:11:40,354
Thank you so much.
910
01:11:41,248 --> 01:11:43,784
Thank you for tuning in
to Welcome to Me,
911
01:11:43,884 --> 01:11:48,555
"The Legend of a Swan,
A Telethon for Change."
912
01:11:48,655 --> 01:11:50,522
My name is Alice Klieg.
913
01:11:57,997 --> 01:12:02,770
Hey, guys. You want
your balls back. I know.
914
01:12:03,170 --> 01:12:05,973
There are a lot of things
I wish I could change, too.
915
01:12:07,311 --> 01:12:08,810
I almost burnt my tits off,
916
01:12:09,210 --> 01:12:13,778
and let a lot of people that I care about
feel like they weren't important to me.
917
01:12:15,548 --> 01:12:19,120
I hurt a lot of American families,
but I'm learning.
918
01:12:19,220 --> 01:12:23,254
And tonight, I'm going to make it right.
919
01:12:24,591 --> 01:12:27,294
Anyone who adopts
any of these loving friends,
920
01:12:27,394 --> 01:12:29,664
gets a year's worth
of dog food and treats,
921
01:12:29,864 --> 01:12:33,634
a doggy bed, and a luxury travel crate.
922
01:12:34,534 --> 01:12:36,277
Do we have the number
on the bottom of the screen, Dawn?
923
01:12:36,377 --> 01:12:39,471
- Yes, we do, baby.
- Thank you, baby.
924
01:12:45,244 --> 01:12:46,547
What's going on, Dawn?
925
01:12:46,947 --> 01:12:50,151
Alice, if I'm not mistaken,
926
01:12:50,251 --> 01:12:53,053
that's the Carousel of Life.
927
01:12:54,722 --> 01:12:57,258
- That looks pretty damn good.
- It does.
928
01:12:57,658 --> 01:12:59,091
Cue the turntable.
929
01:13:19,779 --> 01:13:22,714
She's off to a really great start.
930
01:13:24,518 --> 01:13:28,372
- Do we have Gina yet?
- No Gina.
931
01:13:28,472 --> 01:13:30,224
There are so many things
to be thankful for.
932
01:13:30,424 --> 01:13:32,626
But right now I would like
to express some gratitude
933
01:13:32,926 --> 01:13:37,129
towards a certain artistic fellow.
Is Rainer Ybarra in the house?
934
01:13:48,742 --> 01:13:51,679
I wanted to thank you
for calling me an artist,
935
01:13:51,779 --> 01:13:55,015
because the moment you did,
so many lost years had meaning.
936
01:13:55,715 --> 01:13:58,016
Could I just say something?
937
01:13:58,316 --> 01:14:01,657
- No?
- You need to go back to your seat.
938
01:14:06,392 --> 01:14:08,160
This is when I pretended to drown.
939
01:14:22,342 --> 01:14:26,678
- She's going to be just fine.
- She really is.
940
01:14:29,884 --> 01:14:34,979
And now I would like to honor a genuine
love-maker who I really care about.
941
01:14:35,079 --> 01:14:38,156
Gabriel Ruskin, would you join me
by the Carousel of Life?
942
01:14:45,731 --> 01:14:48,302
Once in a blue moon,
life gives you a one-way ticket
943
01:14:48,602 --> 01:14:51,572
to that deep erotic play land
that only exists inside of us.
944
01:14:52,472 --> 01:14:55,614
Shining captain on a sea of takers,
945
01:14:55,714 --> 01:14:58,410
you docked in my port
and it wasn't even raining.
946
01:15:11,023 --> 01:15:12,893
Go sit down.
947
01:15:12,993 --> 01:15:16,230
- Still no Gina.
- Should we use a reenactor?
948
01:15:17,030 --> 01:15:19,355
- Use a reenactor. Use a reenactor.
- Yeah.
949
01:15:19,455 --> 01:15:24,004
Get Gina reenactor ready
for New Apartment 45 to the roll.
950
01:15:24,104 --> 01:15:26,941
She's going to be devastated.
951
01:15:27,041 --> 01:15:28,709
How are we doing in adoptions, Dawn?
952
01:15:28,809 --> 01:15:34,379
Nothing yet, but the lines are open
and operators are standing by.
953
01:15:41,654 --> 01:15:42,721
This is for Gina.
954
01:15:47,093 --> 01:15:51,148
Well, I think your new apartment
is great, Alice.
955
01:15:51,248 --> 01:15:53,267
I don't know if I can do this.
956
01:15:53,367 --> 01:15:57,638
Maybe I should go back to the halfway house
where I have been living for most of 1996
957
01:15:57,738 --> 01:16:00,805
after losing my job
at Palm Desert Animal Control.
958
01:16:02,508 --> 01:16:05,412
You're ready to have
your own place, Alice.
959
01:16:05,712 --> 01:16:10,217
I, Gina Selway, just know that you are.
960
01:16:10,417 --> 01:16:15,055
It's almost as if you believe in me
more than I believe in myself.
961
01:16:15,155 --> 01:16:17,756
I really do.
962
01:16:34,607 --> 01:16:36,210
Hey, Grace, Miss Selway has arrived.
963
01:16:36,310 --> 01:16:39,811
- Oh, my God, Gina's here.
- What!
964
01:17:27,693 --> 01:17:30,221
I'd like to read
from a prepared statement.
965
01:17:35,134 --> 01:17:36,837
"Dear Gina,
966
01:17:36,937 --> 01:17:39,841
"thank you for being the only girl
who would speak to me in the sixth grade.
967
01:17:40,741 --> 01:17:42,410
"Thank you for letting me sleep
holding on to you
968
01:17:42,510 --> 01:17:45,193
"during that really bad period in 1989.
969
01:17:45,612 --> 01:17:48,482
"Without you, I could never
have made it through my 20s,
970
01:17:48,682 --> 01:17:52,119
"much less become a millionaire
and talk-show host.
971
01:17:53,019 --> 01:17:55,823
"You are the kindest,
most patient person I know.
972
01:17:56,323 --> 01:18:00,194
"I don't deserve a friend as loyal as you,
but I sure am lucky to have one.
973
01:18:00,594 --> 01:18:04,731
"You could have given up on me
seven million times, but you didn't.
974
01:18:04,831 --> 01:18:09,534
And for all those times, I would like
to present you with the following."
975
01:19:35,621 --> 01:19:38,525
And we're out in ten,
976
01:19:38,625 --> 01:19:42,762
nine, eight, seven, six,
977
01:19:42,862 --> 01:19:44,931
five, four,
978
01:19:45,031 --> 01:19:48,366
three, two, one.
979
01:20:17,463 --> 01:20:19,897
You want me to stay?
980
01:20:21,135 --> 01:20:24,001
You know, I think I'd better bond
with the beast.
981
01:20:25,971 --> 01:20:28,975
Oh, I got you a present.
982
01:20:34,847 --> 01:20:37,417
What am I supposed to do with this?
983
01:20:39,241 --> 01:20:41,780
Anything you want.
984
01:20:43,888 --> 01:20:45,826
Okay, I'm going to go ahead.
985
01:20:45,926 --> 01:20:47,995
You go ahead, do your thing.
I'll call you tomorrow.
986
01:20:48,095 --> 01:20:50,061
Okay.
987
01:20:59,105 --> 01:21:01,072
Bye.
78397
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