Original subtitles

I've just found joy

I'm as happy as a baby boy

With another brand new choo-choo toy

When I met my sweet Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine

Shes got a pair of eyes

That are brighter than the summer skies

When you see them you realize

Why I love my sweet Lorraine

Now, when it's raining

I don't miss the sun

Because it's in my babys smile, oh-oh

And to think that I'm the lucky one

That will lead her down the aisle, oh-oh-oh

Each night I pray

That no one will steal her heart away

I can't wait until that lucky day

When I marry sweet Lorraine

- She is a beauty. - Who?

- What? - Who? Who is a beauty?

- The car. - Oh, oh. I thought you were talkin' about a chick walking outside.

I lost my concentration.

Why do you think they call cars '''she''?

Never ''he.'' It's always '''she.''

l guess it's just custom.

- Well, what do you think? - Don't press me.

You're a sick man. Sick!

- Do you hear me? Do you hear me? - Who's sick?

- Who do you think I'm screamin' at? How many of you are there up there? - Ohh.

There's only you, and you're a sick human being.

- I can't believe you sometimes! - Where's my white-on-white shirt?

It's like yelling through a wall to you. I mean, I'm-I'm carrying on about...

what a disgusting human being you are, and all you wanna know is where your white-on-white shirt is?

Yeah, the one with the permanent stains.

I really don't want you to hustle me here. You know what I mean? I really..

I really hate that. I hate being hustled.

I just want a nice, honest price, you know.

I just don't want any special deals. Just a nice, honest price.

- Am I making myself clear? - Of course, Mr Babowsky.

Now, how much are you willing to pay?

You're doing it. See, you're doing it already. I hate that.

- Y-Y-You're giving me a hustle number. - I-I am just trying to get an idea of how much you're willing to pay.

Four dollars. I'd like to pay four dollars a month.

Now, that is not an honest answer.

Well, what do you wanna hear? Why don't you just tell me...

what you want me to pay, okay, and then I'll tell you whether I'll pay it.

And then we won't have to get this hustle number going...

which I really hate.

What do I wanna pay? I wanna pay nothing.

-You're being unreasonable. You don't even wanna listen. -I don't know what I did. I got no idea.

- If you'd listen, you'd know what you did. - Is it my fault? - Yeah!

I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry. I can do no better than that.

A full, unconditional apology.

All right? All right?

By the way, why don't you send a search party out for the white-on-white shirt?

Huh? It's the best one I got.

Now, if you have even the smallest problem, you call me personally...

- and I'll just shoot you straight into the service department. - Okay, okay.

Now, uh, I get the loaner, right, if my car has to stay?

A's we discussed, you get a car if the car has to stay overnight.

- Uh, do I get the loaner? - Yes.

Oh, she's driving me to my grave. That's it. I'm headed to my grave.

I'm on my way to my grave. The woman is driving me insane.

It's not supposed to be like this. Uh-uh.

11:00, and my neck is stiff as a board.

Ohh! Oh, it's tight.

Oh. Ohh.

Now, you enjoy the car, Mr Babowsky.

Oh, my God.

Are you a lunatic? Are you telling me that you didn't see me coming out of this lot?

Huh? There's a red light there, for crying out loud!

- You're supposed to stop! - Me? Are you crazy?

- What do you want? To just back into the middle of the street like that? - What?

A man''s driving along, and you wanna back into the middle of the street.

- What kind of driving is that? - There's a red light there, you know.

I was making a space for myself. That's what I was trying to do, in order to get into the street.

-You bolted out of nowhere! -That's something you're supposed to do.

- You bolted out of nowhere, pal. - I bolted? - You bolted out of nowhere!

- I bolted? I bolted? - Bolted out of nowhere!

- At six miles an hour, I bolted into the street? - That's right. That's right.

- You schmuck! You schmuck! - Back away from me! Back away from me!

- All right. I'll back away. I'll back away. I'm backin' away. - Back away from me.

- Here, I backed away, huh? Hey, hey, hey, calm down! - Give it!

You lunatic! You lunatic!

Look! Will you look at this guy, huh? He back's in front of me.

He rips my side-view mirror off! And then.. And I'm crazy!

- You're dead! Dead! Dead! You're gonna go down! - You goddam lunatic!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Calm down. Take it easy!

- You are crazy! You are nut's! - Come on.

They oughta lock you up and throw away the key.

That's what they oughta do to you.

Look at this. Look at this! My car's got a sixteenth of a mile on it...

and it's already been hit.

Do you believe this?

- I'm gonna get even with you. - Lay off! - Hey, hey!

I'm gonna get even with you, you son of a bitch.

I'm gonna get even with you.

Look, you wanna drive a Cadillac, learn how to drive.

You wanna get even with somebody, you picked the wrong person to get even with, pal!

Nobody back's in traffic, smashes my car and then tells me they're gonna get even.

- I'm gonna get even, pal. - We'll see about that.

- Give me my goddam mirror. Give me my mirror. - Hey! Hey!

Now, a loaner, a loaner. Right now. No talk.

Good morning, Mrs Foster. Hi.

I represent the Gibraltar Aluminum Siding Company.

We're gonna be having a representative in your neighbourhood today. When would..

Would you be interested in seeing the benefit's of our aluminum product?

Yes, well, we do aluminum siding, which--

Would you be interested in seeing the benefit's of our aluminum product?

Well, we do aluminum siding, which..

Mrs Beadle, are you interested in aluminum siding?

Gibraltar Aluminum Siding Company.

So the, uh, doctor says, ''When I get all the information back, I'll give you a call.''

He leaves the doctor. So one day, the phone rings. The guy goes to pick it up.

- The guy? - The guy. - Not the doctor?

That's right. The guy get's the telephone call. It's the doctor on the line.

- Don't get so irritable. - Well, listen to what I'm saying.

-Let him tell the joke, Cheese. -So the doctor says, ''I got some bad news and some worse news.''

The guy says, ''Let me hear the bad news first.''

The doctor says, ''You got 24 hours to live.''

The guy says, ''Well, what's the worse news?'' Doctor says, ''I forgot to call you yesterday.''

- So the guy's dead, right? That's good. - Worse news and bad news. - Come on. Smart joke.

- Did he say that the guy dies? - Did you hear what he said? ''The guy dies?'' - It's a dumb joke.

-The guy died. You didn't hear the joke. -But it's good. -I know. It's part of the joke. -Up it 50 cent's.

- I'm in. I call. I'm in on this. - All right. All right. Okay.

- We hear you. You're in. So, did you get your new Cadillac? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- It's already been hit. - Hit? - What?

- I didn't have the thing five minutes. - Aw.

- I was backin' out of the place. A guy comes out of nowhere, bangs right into my car. Aw, Jesus.

- I call. What do you got? - Uh, sixes.

- Pair of Jakes. I win. - Pair of sixes?

- So I lied. - So how much damage?

- Six hundred dollars worth, at least. - Six hundred dollars?

- Yeah. - I'd get rid of that car.

With that kind of damage, the car won't be any good. You probably dented the frame.

- He didn't dent the frame. - You hit the frame, the car doesn't run right.

- He didn't dent the frame. Watch my lips. - Don't get so irritable.

- You never listen to me. - So what are we doin' here?

- I'm gonna tell you something. I'm gonna get this guy. - Garage two.

If he'd apologized, it would be different. But he get's out of the car, he tries to push me around.

Don't let anybody push you around, BB.

- Yeah. - I'm gonna get this guy just for the fun of it.

Then he attacks me. He rips my-my side- view mirror off. One of the loonies!

- Unbelievable. - Did you live? - Did you get his name?

Yeah, I got his name.

Police came. God, I can't believe it.

The guy's an idiot. Yeah, I got it right here.

Polish name. Babowsky. Bill Babowsky.

- Fuckin' son of a bitch. - Hey, I know that guy.

- They call him ''BB.'' - You know the son of a bitch?

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, he work's with Bagel.

- He sells aluminum siding? - Uh-huh. Same as us.

I don't believe it. Of all the people that could run into me, it has to be another tin man.

- How come I don't know him? - Come on. You must've seen him.

He hangs out with that group. You know, uh, Cheese, uh, Carly Benelli.

- Gibraltar Siding. You know that group. - I don't know the guy.

Come on! One year, when we were up at the Corral, he was there one night.

You know, when we were all there? You know. He-He's a good dancer.

- You must know-- you must've seen him. - I don't know the guy.

- What are you talking about? - Gil, he doesn't know the guy!

- Hey, listen, I thought he knew the guy. Okay, Sam? - He seems--

-I can't believe he didn't know the guy. -He seems to be indicating that he doesn't know him.

I don't know the guy, all right?

- All right. Okay. Yeah. Now, here. - All right? All right, Gil? I don't know the guy.

- He's a good dancer. - What do you want me to do, date him?

- I don't give a shit if he's a good dancer. - Well, I thought you saw the guy.

I tell you, I was amazed. This guy does a merengue. Whoa! I'm tellin' you.

I.. If I was a girl, I'd be.. I'd be.. I'd be really impressed.

You're not one of those, are ya?

I'm not one of those. No, I'm not.

- Is this fresh? - Yes, it's fresh. - I'm just asking, Florence.

You're always just askin', and you drive me crazy.

I can't.. I can't tell you how well this guy does the merengue.

- I can't wait to see it. - You know, I'll tell you one thing.

When I get a hold of this guy, I'm gonna break both his legs...

and then he won't dance the merengue too good.

-Son of a bitch. Back's right.. Look at the nose on my car. Take a look at that! -Jesus.

- Holy mackerel. Look at that. Huh? - That was a beautiful car before this happened.

- Let me-- Let me ask you something. You watch 'Ed Sullivan', right? - Yeah.

Which-Which act do you like better-- the guy who spins the plates...

or do you like, uh, the guy with the-- the hand puppet?

- Señor Wences. I love this guy. - The hand puppet. Right. Señor Wences. - Señor Wences.

- He's good. I mean, that's good comedy. - He's the best. He's better than the guy who spins the plates?

- Yeah. Of course he's better. He's got a moustache. - Of course he's better than the guy-- No risk. Plus, he's got no overhead.

- The man''s got a hand, a chalk and a box. And that's it. - And a little lipstick.

Every once in a while, he put's a little wig on it. Hello.

Sall right? It's okay. It's all right. I love him.

- I love the guy. - I'm gonna tell you something.

- This coffee-- - 'Bonanza' is not an accurate depiction of the West.

That's all I'm saying. Did you ever watch that show? 'Bonanza'.

- Is somebody talking about 'Bonanza' in here? Uh-- - Yeah. Today's a 'Bonanza' day.

- Oh, is today It's Monday! It must be. - Yeah. Monday! Today is 'Bonanza' day.

- Yeah, it's a 'Bonanza' day, the big ''B'' day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, excuse me.

- Ben Cartwright day, you know what I mean? - You laugh.. You laugh about it. - How's Ben and the boys doing?

You can laugh about it, but it's just not believable.

Do you ever see the show? It's a 50-year-old father with three 47-year-old sons.

You know why they get along good? 'Cause they're all the same age.

- ''Hey, Pa, you ride the horse, and I'll go to town.'' - What's he talkin' about?

- Come on. What kind of show is that? - Well, I don't--

- Look, I'm not an authority on it like you are, but, I mean... - Yeah, yeah.

- I occasionally watch 'Bonanza', and I think it's like-- - Yeah.

Can you believe here's a man who's got three kid's from three different wives?

- They all died at childbirth. I mean, what is this here? - Must've been a hell of a man.

- Who's gonna go around there? He's the kiss of death. - Yeah, he's--

- Yeah, it's called one hump and out. - Sick lover. - A little time to kill.

- You want to get some coffee? - No. Let's do 'Life' magazine.

- Oh, yeah, it'll be fun. - Yeah. lt'll cheer me up.

I think we have to move the camera over another foot!

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. This is much better. Why don't you take a look here?

Yeah, the light is hitting it now in a perfect way.

It's giving us just exactly what-- It's very good.

Yeah, that really shows the flaws in the structure.

Uh-huh. Yeah, it's got a lot of the-- It's showing the discolouration here.

- It's got that-- Look. And the flaking. - Right.

This is better. Come on out, honey.

- Hey, you got colour in here? Yeah. - Oh, yeah. Colouration? Oh, yes. Yes.

- Yeah. Yeah, this is too nice for black and white. It's gotta be colour. - Yeah.

- Bingo. - Excuse me?

- Um, what are youse doin'? - Well, I hope we're not disturbing you, ma'am.

- We're with 'Life' magazine. We'll be out of here in just a minute. - I gotta move the camera another foot there.

- Uh.. Uh, what do you mean, 'Life' magazine? - Ah, just, uh, two minutes, ma'am.

And then we'll be out of your way. We just need some pictures for 'Life' magazine.

- And then we won't be bothering you. - 'Life' magazine is here on my front lawn?

Yeah, yeah. You see, we're doing a layout on, uh, the benefits of aluminum siding.

You know, uh-uh-uh-- kind of a ''before and after,'' uh, presentation.

- A ''before'' picture? - Yeah. So they see your house...

and then another house done with aluminum siding.

- The other house looking so much more beautiful. - In 'Life' magazine?

Yes. Special issue on home improvements, ways to beautify the home.

Yes, it's a wonderful-- it's a wonderful issue.

It's one of the most beautiful, pictorial, uh, things that we've ever done here in 'Life.'

-Uh, you know, ways to, uh, improve the home. -Yeah, this is gonna look very good, BB.

Our house is gonna be the ''before'' picture in 'Life' magazine?

Are you crazy? We keep 'Life' magazine on our coffee table!

Oh, can't my house be the ''after'?

No, no, no.

No, that's so sweet. No, thank you.

But we already have a house that, uh-- uh, that has aluminum siding...

that look's just like your house, except it's ever so much more beautiful.

Yeah. lt really shows the contrast of what a house can look like.

- Yeah. - Well, how much does this cost? - What?

- Uh, the-- - Oh, the aluminum siding? Uh--

- I don't know. Uh, do you know anything about the costs? - No, but I..

- I think it's fairly reasonable. - Well, can't my house be the ''after' picture in 'Life' magazine?

You could get another house for the ''before.''

What do you mean? Oh, you mean, uh--

Oh, you would like your house to be the ''after' picture with aluminum siding?

And then we would have to find another house, uh...

to look like their house with-w-- for the ''before'' picture.

- Is that possible, hons? - Oh, I don't-- I don't know if we could manage this.

- What do you say? - I don't know. It's kinda pushing it, BB.

It's pushing it. Uh, well, look, what time does your husband get home?

'Cause he'd have to go over the flgures with the salesman. That's if there's even a salesman available this evening.

-Jerry'll be home at 7:00. - That'll be a total of $3,700.

$3,700?

Honey, we're gonna be in 'Life' magazine.

Before. After.

You and your lovely wife might have been asking yourself, ''Exactly what are the benefits of aluminum siding?''

lt won't chip, peel, blister, crack, flake or rust in any way.

The only maintenance you'll ever have is to wash it down twice a year with a hose.

It afford's much greater insulation, which means it cuts down on your heating bills.

I'll tell you what. Only on this sale, I'll throw in a garden hose for this sale.

- Let's do some business. - We got a deal.

You're a smart man. This house will be a monument to your good taste.

Good night.

How can I tell her I love her

What happened?

- I almost had 'em. I was this close. - You were in there long enough.

- I thought you were gonna send me in to close. - Damn! I thought I had 'em.

- Nothin'? - Nothin'.

Straight ahead, not at me

Tall and tan and young and lovely

The girl from Ipanema goes walking

- When she passes, each one she passes - You are great!

- Goes ''ah'' - 'Ah''

- So, 4,600 buck's. Look's like a good deal. - When she walks, shes like a samba

-Swings so cool and sways so gentle -People own their own homes, so we won't have any problem getting financing.

- Very good, Mouse. So, that's, uh.. - That when she passes, each one she passes go ''ah''

- $1,138. - $1,138.

- Oh, but I watch her so sadly - 138.

Thank's, boss. Pleasure doing business with you.

- So, what's your guys' story? - How can I tell her I love her

- Nothing again. Came up short. Let me get a little advance. - Yes

- I would give my heart gladly - Uh, 300, just to carry me for a bit.

- I'm already carrying you for.. What is it, uh, 2,300? - But each day

- Something like that, Tilley? - No problem. I'm in a little slump here, is all. That's it.

- You're not gonna take a walk on me? - What do you mean, ''walk''?

- Tall and tan and young and lovely - You think I'm gonna work somewheres else?

- The girl from Ipanema goes walking - W-Wing, you've been very good to me, very honourable.

- He always said that about you, Wing. He always said that. Believe me, he has. - And when she passes, I smile

I'll give you 150.

I need a bit more than that. I got.. I got expenses.

What's the matter with your wife? She don't work?

Yeah. What's she gonna make working in the social security offlce?

Come on, Wing. Can't you do no better than this?

I mean, a man in my position, in terms of this firm. I don't know.

- Two hundred. That's it. - Honey? - Yeah?

Could you bring me a pack of Marlboros and another Seven and Seven, please?

- A scotch, straight up. - Uh, bring me another cruller, huh?

- Did she hear me 'say '''scotch, straight up''? - No. - Listen.

- How can I tell her I love her - My guys tell me that the, uh, home improvement commission is the real thing.

- It's no jackpot. These guys could be a real pain in the ass. - Yes

- I would give my heart gladly - And any of those scams that you guys are running.. They get wind of it...

- they're gonna take your licence, and it's goodbye to business. - But each day

They take away your licence, they take away your livelihood.

- What kind of people are these? - Which scams are you talkin' about?

- They got a list? - Any irregularities, you know.

You know, you sell a house on the pretence it's a model home.

Anything else sold in the neighbourhood, they get a kickback. Or the 'Life' magazine scam.

- Yeah. - You guys know the bullshit numbers you can run.

-Jeez, what a pain in the ass. - What's left?

Is this commission gonna stick around, or is it gone with the wind?

- They take your licence? - Yeah.

And not your car licence. Your business licence, Tilley.

Don't mention cars.

- Hold it, hold it! Whoa, whoa! Stop the car. Stop right there. - What? What?

That's his car. Come on. Back it up. Back it up.

Okay, okay, okay.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, 'stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

All right. I'm gonna be right back. I'm gonna even the score.

I see your way to an apology!

- I've been over the Yankees for 20-- - ...New York with Whitey Ford pitching.

That's a gift.

It's that lunatic again.

- What the.. - Tilley, Tilley, be careful!

Go, go, go!

Do you believe this guy? Is he sane or what?

- Isn't that something? - What's he got, a gnat up his ass?

- What the hells wrong with the guy? - Don't your recognize him from the Corral?

- I don't know the guy. - Boy, I'll never forget his merengue.

Well, I'll tell you something.

If Mr Merengue wants to play...

we'll play.

Look at you. A quarter to 3:00 and home already.

What happened? You and the fellas run out of things to talk about?

Please. I'm out there working my fingers to the bone trying to make a living.

What's a five-letter word for a Portuguese overseas province?

- Try Macao. - That fits.

M-A-C-A-O.

- What are you doing up so late? - I'm off tomorrow.

I think this place may be a little too large for us.

- What are you talking about? This matchbox? - It's got a lot of overhead to it.

I mean, what do you do? Spend your time in the bedroom and the kitchen.

That's all. Why do you need a living room and a dining room?

Why do you need a backyard?

You're not selling anything?

- I'm in a slump. - That happens.

Last year, I'm number three, top seller. Year before, right up there.

I can't get my momentum going this year.

Oh, you will. You always do.

I'm not sure I like all this overhead breathing down my neck.

I mean, you got a place like this: that's a lot of overhead.

What are you talking about? The monthly payments on your Cadillac alone...

are worth more than this whole house.

- Why don't you get yourself something cheaper, like a Chevy? - Ooh.

It doesn't instill confidence in my clients.

A Cadillac means you're dealing with someone of importance.

Ohh.

I thought I had a couple tonight.

They just slipped away.

Just slipped away.

I'm gonna take a bath.

My necks been tight since this morning.

I'll turn out the lights.

See the pyramids along the Nile

You know, Tilley, we hardly ever do things together.

- Like what? - You know, do fun things together that are enjoyable.

What would we do together for it to be enjoyable?

If we went on a picnic, it would be fun.

Oh, I don't understand a picnic.

- You go someplace, put a thing on the ground and eat. - You belong - Yeah. It's nice to do that.

Why? I don't get it. It's better sittin' in front of the TV.

I happen to think there's something nice about a picnic. It's fun.

What's fun about it? Ants get in the food.

There's bees. I don't get it.

You have to drive. It takes you maybe an hour to get there.

And then what do you do? You sit in the grass and eat. Why is that fun?

I just thought it might be nice to do something together. That's all.

- I thought it might be fun. - Doesn't sound like fun to me.

Would you wash my hair the way you do it?

A picnic. You know, it's, like.. It's dirty. I don't know.

It's, like, what do you do? You take the food you got in the icebox.

You take it out in a field and eat it.

It's much more fun eating in front of the TV.

We do that together, don't we? No ants. No bees.

- Much more comfortable. - It's not the same thing.

Could you do it harder?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'd do anything with you.

I'm just a little stymied by a picnic.

If you want to go on a picnic, send me a postcard. Ow!

What did I say? Huh?

When Liberty Valance rode to town

The womenfolk would hide they'd hide

When Liberty Valance walked around

The men would step aside

-For the point of a gun was the only law that Liberty understood -The blue Caddie.

- Okay, Mr Merengue. - When it came to shooting

- Straight and fast, he was mighty good - Let's dance.

From out of the East a stranger came

A law book in his hand

Yeah, that was a good sale, Double B. Yeah, we just got the okay on the loan.

- We're in business. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - This whole area has been tremendously fertile for us.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, I saw your car on the way in. Yeah, it looks almost brand-shiny new.

Yeah, yeah. At $642.

- $642! Oh. - Yeah.

Sure you want to get into the tin game, Stanley?

- Good money, I understand. - Yeah, well, you're gonna be...

bumpin' into a lot of strange people knocking on those doors.

Hermits that never see the outside. Women in bathrobes.

People that are lonely and just wanna have conversations.

Kid's crawlin' all over ya. People.. People look like they got strange diseases.

- Ugh, that's the worst. - Call for you. - Yeah. - Interesting.

- What's the best way to qualify a mark? - I knew they'd call.

- What? - How do you know if you can get the upper hand?

How do you know if you're dealin' with a guy who's in an inferior position or a superior position to you?

- How do you know? - Well, you just have to start talking. You feel your way.. - Nah. A quick way.

Take a book of matches out of your pocket to light your cigarette.

Drop the matches on the floor. If the guy bends down...

to pick 'em up for you, you got a mark-- you got this guy in your pocket.

Guy waits for you to pick 'em up, you got a long, hard, tough sell on your hands.

You wanna win their confidence. Here-- Here's a good thing to try.

Bagel, give me a five-dollar bill. You're gonna start off...

with a five-dollar bill, which you've taken out before he's seen it, right?

So you're sitting in the living room, and you're talking. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.

And when he's not looking, you drop it on the ground like that. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.

And when he turns around, you go, ''Oh, a five-dollar bill.

Look at that. Look at this. Mr Blah-blah, would you like it back?''

And two things happen right away, okay? First thing, he says, ''It's not mine.''

That's when you say, ''Must've been, because it certainly isn't mine, sir.''

Or he says ''Thank you'' and takes it. Either case...

he think's you are an incredibly honest guy and you're in, see?

- Yeah, you're in. That's good. - You start chippin' away at these people, and that's the way you get in.

- Moe. - Hey. Hey, gimme the five dollars.

- Hey, putz! - Come on, Stanley. Let's go.

Look, Carly, me and Stanley. Like a first date.

...in your neighbourhood today. Would you be interested in seeing--

You're gonna like this business, Stanley.

Your time is your own. You make good money. You meet a lot of girls.

What, you got a special bargain when you bought this car?

It comes cheaper without them windows?

Guys playin' tit for tat. It's not my game.

- Lets play some hardball. - What's goin' on here?

- Stanley, forget about it. - I'm gonna find out everything about this son of a bitch...

and then I'm gonna find the one thing that cuts him right to the quick.

Let's go on inside, make some calls.

Come on, BB.

I wonder if he's married.

Could I get some help around here? Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Uh, could you tell me, are these any good, do you know? The-The television dinners.

I don't think so. Not a lot of them, anyway. They're not too good for you.

My wife just died.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. - No.

- I'm over it now. It's been a very trying time, though, you know? - I can imagine.

I'm just learning how to eat again.

You know what-what might be a lot more healthy and satisfying would be if you bought yourself a chicken.

You just-- You pop it in the oven for a couple of hours, put a little bit of seasoning on it.

- Cook it at low temperature. It's a lot more tender that way. - Chicken?

Yeah, it-it makes a good meal, and then you can use the leftovers for sandwiches and--

But you have to sit and watch it cook.

It seems so sad, you know, a man sitting alone...

in a house watching a chicken cook.

Well, you.. you use a timer.

- Pardon me? - A timer! You know, it's..

- You-You have it with eggs? - A timer, like.. Yeah, right. That's a very good idea.

- Yeah. - I never thought of that. - He's an amazing sort. He's got the gift.

What's the scoop?

- We got 'em! - You're kidding. - Take a look at that.

Are you fuckin' crazy? You gave away $4,200 worth of aluminum siding free!

Sam, this is the best scam I've ever thought of in my entire life.

Oh! It's in my blood, Sam.

I'm brilliant! I'm fuckin' brilliant! This scam is so brilliant, I'm beside myself!

- What are you talkin' about? - All right. Here it is.

You go back into the house, and this is what you say.

No. Mr Tilley's crazy. He had a nervous breakdown.

- What's that? - Well, he's been under a lot of pressure recently, and he just snapped.

I mean, it's the saddest thing you've ever seen.

But let's be honest. Nobody gives away $4,200 worth of aluminum siding free.

I thought it was very generous. Sometimes the Lord moves in mysterious directions.

''Mysterious directions''? Let me tell you something.

When I go see his boss and show him this contract, he'll be out of this business.

He'll lose his home. His wife and kids will be thrown on the street.

- They'll probably end up in an institution. - Why do they have to be thrown out into the street?

You don't think his boss is gonna pick up a $4,200 job, do ya?

- Hmm. - Can I have a cup of coffee?

- Won't be a minute. - What do you say we just sit down and try to work this out?

Maybe we could flgure out something.

Whoo! I'm a genius! I'm outta the slump!

- Oh, we gotta celebrate. Let's go celebrate. - Let's go.

- Let's go. - We're gonna have a little laughs tonight.

I tell you something. I couldn't believe you could pull it off, but you did.

''This job is free!''

The one good thing

In my life

- Has gone away - To Mrs Ernest Tilley.

♪ I don't know why

♪ She's gone away

♪ I don't know where

♪ Somewhere I can't follow her

- Whenever it came time to measure a job... - The one good thing

- he'd cut the yardstick and re-glue it back together, you see? - Didn't stay too long - No.

- He took out seven inches so his square footage would always be higher. - My back was turned

- That way he'd always make a few extra bucks on the job. - And she was gone - Are you serious?

-Oh, yeah. He'd always put his hand over the break when it came time to measure. -Good thing, where have you gone

- Mm-hmm. - Nobody.. Nobody ever look's at a yard'stick to see how long it is. - Good thing

- The man was a fuckin' genius. - You've been gone too long - I'd love to meet him.

Maybe you will someday, Stanley, if you play your cards right.

People say I should forget

Theres plenty more Don't get upset

People say she's doin' fine

Mutual friends I see sometime

That's not what I-I-I want to hear

- I want to hear - Guys got a million scams. - Oh, God.

- She wants me near - Hey, it's all right. That's not your wife.

- It's safe. You can come up now. - Good thing

Where have you gone

- My good thing, you been gone too long - Good thing

Then one day she came back

I was so happy that I didn't ask

I should've known

- It couldn't last - Scotch straight up? - Yeah.

- Morning came awful fast - Uh, scotch straight up and a rum and Coke for me down at the end of the bar.

- Ooh! Look's like there's good action here tonight, Sammy. - Morning came

- Must be half-price night for divorced women. This place is hoppin'. - Into my room

Oh, Sammy boy! $2,700 sale.

- This job is free, huh? What a beaut, huh? - Good thing

- I'm outta the slump, Sam. I'm ridin' high! I'm back! - You did it, pal.

- Sam, to us. - To us. - Good thing, you been gone too long

- Whoo! - Ya kn.. Ya know somethin', Tilley?

- I'm beginnin' to believe in God. - Yeah, me too.

No, you don't know what I mean. I'm beginnin' to give God more thought.

Whoa, wait. Oh, you were.. you were never one of those atheists, were ya?

Me? Uh, no, no. Look, I'm not sayin' that. I'm just...

beginnin' to believe in God more, that's all.

Well, what'd you.. what'd you do, have some kind of religious experience?

Yeah, well, I took my wife for lunch yesterday. We went and had some smorgasbord, and it kinda happened.

- At the smor-- You found God at the smorgasbord? - Yeah.

- Oh. Oh, well, that's a good place to find God. - I go there, and I see celery.

- No. I see celery. I see lettuce, tomatoes, cauliflower, and I think: - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- All these things come outta the ground. They just grow outta the ground. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - I mean, they had corn-- outta the ground. Radish, outta the ground.

- Mm-hmm. - And you say to yourself, ''How can all these things come outta the ground?''

- Yeah. - Ya know what I'm talkin' about? - Yeah. - All these things are outta the ground.

- I know. They just kinda-- - I mean, how can that be? Outta the dirt, all these things came.

And I'm not even getting into the fruits. I'm just dealing with the vegetables right now.

With all these things coming out of the earth, there must be a God.

Yeah, well, I'm not gettin' the same religious effect that came over you.

I mean, I don't know why I don't feel like runnin' to a church...

to pray right this second, if you know what I mean.

- Ya gotta admit, it's amazing. Nature. Outta the ground. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- And anything you name, it's outta the ground. - I don't believe it.

Look-- Look over there. See that guy standin' there, that little son of a bitch?

- Yeah. - He's the guy that crashed into my car. - That's him?

Look at him. Little Lord Fauntleroy.

- Mr Banana Head is here. - Who's Mr Banana Head?

That's the crazy guy that banged into my car, smashed my windows in.

- I don't believe it. I'm gonna get him! - Hey, wait a minute!

- I'm gonna get 'im. - Wait. I'll go with ya.

- Well, I hope so. Yeah. - Can I buy you a drink? - I was so happy

That I didn't ask

- I should've known it couldn't last - He vanished. There he is.

- Really? That sounds great. - Morning came awful fast

You got a lotta nerve bangin' into my car...

but you got one hell of a lotta nerve smashing my windows in.

Why would I wanna smash your windows?

- You didn't smash my windows in? - Hey, I'm a hard-workin' guy.

I don't go around smashin' peoples windows.

- You did not smash my windows in? You did not smash my windows in? - Good thing

- You poke me one more time, and I'm gonna have to redefine your face! - Good thing

- Aha! - All right, wait! - Hey, take it outside!

- Hey, wait! - Get your mitts off! - Comin' through! - No, no, no, no! Hand's off!

We don't do this inside. We take it outside, all right?

- We settle this in the parking lot. - Good thing - Oh, no. You're not gonna get near my car again.

Hey, wait a minute. I didn't even drive tonight. You wanna duke it? Let's go!

- After you. - Oh, no, after you. - Thank you very much.

- I'm not gonna turn my back on that son of a bitch. - Excuse me.

- What's up? - Carly. - Don't worry. We're behind ya. - What's the problem, Moe?

- I don't know, but let's find out. - Come on. Easy, guys.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. Where you goin'? - I've had enough of this.

- Go ahead and give them a lot of room. - Where are we goin'? - It's not gonna take long.

- I'm tellin' ya. - Look at this guy. - Quit waltzin' around, huh?

Hey, hey, where ya goin', Timbuktu?

- Come on. - Look at the size of this one. - A beatings a beating, no matter where you get it.

- Enough is enough, I'll tell you that. - Where ya goin'? - Right here. Right here. Right here.

- Is this where you want it? Huh? Yeah? - What is this? What is this?

- Hey, hey, uh, we didn't ask for a crowd, ya know? - Right.

- Uh, we're not charging admission. Come on. Back up. Gimme some room. - Back up. Spread out.

- Come on. Back up. Give the guy some room. - Hold my watch.

- Let's have some room here. - Come on. Back it up. - Come over here a second.

- Spread out. - Huh? - Hey, ease off. Ease off. - All right, all right.

- Step back a little bit. - Yeah.

- Come on. Gimme some room, all right? - All right. - Come on. Stand back.

- Give him some room. - Back up there. - Hey, hey. Ease off, huh?

- Hey, I mean it. Let's have some room here, guys. Come on. - All right. Back up, guys. Come on.

- Move back. - Ease off! - Give 'em a little room.

- You ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.

- You ready? - You ready? Let's go. - Back up. Police.

You're a lucky man the police showed.

You think so, huh? We'll see who's lucky.

- Your mother call the police? Get a load of this guy. - We'll see who's lucky.

- Your mother call the cops? - You pansy-ass. - Tough guy, aren't ya?

- You want Chinese? - I can go for some wonton soup. - Let's go.

Surprise!

- Surprise! - Oh, my God! I never expected this!

- What a lovely cake! - Yeah, register him for his social security number.

Ada, if you're smart, you won't come back.

Come on. What are you waiting for? Blow out the candles now.

Well, nine candles. One for every month.

Oh, she may be weary

- It look's wonderful! - Can I have a piece? - Girls, they do get weary

So, what's new?

-I just decided. I'm goin' out with him. -You're kidding.

- No. - You're kidding. - No, I'm not kidding.

- You're kidding! - I have to. I have to! - They get weary

I wanna know what it's like to be with someone else.

'Cause if what I've got with Tilley is as good as it gets, I just..

- I gotta know. - Well, you're right.

- You and Tilley aren't exactly Jackie and John F., but you are.. - Will you stop with that?

Well, how are you gonna manage it?

Tilley doesn't even get in till 2:00 in the morning.

Oh, God! I hope you know what you're doing.

- I don't know what I'm doing. - You speak to some guy in the frozen-food section.. - Shh, shh, shh, shh.

- You could jeopardize your whole marriage. - I.. Oh!

You know, everything I've ever done in my whole life has been safe and practical...

and what's it gotten me?

Here's to who knows what.

In the wee small hours

Of the morning

While the whole wide world is fast asleep

You lie awake

And you think about the girl

- Guess I'm still a little nervous. - And never ever think

- You wanna go home? - Of counting sheep - No.

Not right away.

- When your lonely heart - You know, every time I hear Sinatra...

- I remember the time I was working in Atlantic City as a busboy... - Has learned its lesson

- You'd be hers if only - and Sinatra was singing at the 500 Club.

- We used to say to our dates, ''You wanna go over and hear Sinatra?'' - She would call

- In the wee small hours - And we'd take 'em to the alley behind the club.

- And we'd lean against the door and listen to the music. - Of the morning

- I think the girls were expecting something a little more uptown. - That's the time

You miss her most of

- I'd go with you and lean against the door. - All

Most of.. You miss her..

Time..

Of all

- Most of - You got good aim.

- I sure do. - All

It's not for me to say

May I have the number to the Belvedere Hotel, please?

I put it all together myself, huh? It's, like...

- the red is with this and blue because of my eyes. - Yeah, yeah.

-John Edgar Howard room. - May I speak to Mr Tilley, please?

Yeah, he's here. Just a minute. Hey, Tilley!

- Wilson. - Somebody want's you on the phone!

- You got nothin' that matches there. - Yeah. Oh.

Well, the black has got the stripes on it.

- We argued, so I said, ''Forget it.'' - What do you think?

Yeah, thanks. Yeah, it's Tilley here.

Hey, asshole. This is the ultimate ''fuck you.''

- I just poked your wife. - What are you talkin' about?

Yeah, she's in my bed right now with a very big smile on her face.

Well, that's just fine by me. She's a pain in the ass...

an albatross around my neck.

You're welcome to her. Keep her! And may you both rot in hell!

And speaking just for me

Is this a set-up?

Oh, that son of a bitch! He set me up.

I thought I got him. He got me. That son of a bitch! He set me up!

Time to hit the road, Nora.

Good.

Darn dresses! There you go!

Oh, you came with a suitcase.

Go on a nice little trip.

All of it. Sweaters.

Sweaters. Oh. Arrange 'em real nice.

Yeah, curtains. There. Get out of there!

Oh, and take these frilly things, won't ya? Won't ya? Won't ya?

Those too!

Yeah, it's all gotta go. It's all goin'. It's all goin'. It's all goin'.

Out! Out! Out!

Jewellery.

Gloves and scarves.

Toiletries! Yeah.

Curlers! Spray-net! All this crap!

All right.

Fuck it! What else?

Knitting. You don't wanna leave me without your knitting.

Handbags!

I'm a free man! I'm a free man!

Free!

In the wee small hours

Of the morning

While the whole wide world is fast asleep

You lie awake

And you think about the girl

And never ever think

Of counting sheep

When your lonely heart

Has learned its lesson

You'd be hers if only she would call

- In the wee small hours of the morning - Oh, my God!

That's the time

You miss her most

Of all

He must've gone crazy. I don't know what happened.

You know, I mean, he must've found out I was with you.

I.. I don't know.. I don't know what to do.

- Can I stay with you a day or two? - Sure.

- When your lonely heart - Sure.

- Hello? - This is Mason-Dixon Aluminum Siding Company.

- Would you be interested in our field representative? - There's three or four horses I like on the whole card.

- I like number two. - Tilley, in the offlce.

Yeah, well, give me a minute to get a cup of coffee, Wing.

What about Super Highway in the seventh race?

He's paying seven-to-one. He ran well the last time out.

Super Highway with Gomez up. That's good. I like that.

Number four in the fourth, 20 bucks.

- Who's that? - I don't know. It just came to me.

I put my hand to my forehead. Four in the fourth.

Number four in the fourth? Rider's Revenge.

Sixty to one, never been in the money. Nice pick, Tilley.

Rider's Revenge. I like that name. It's good.

You like that name? I'll give you a better name. Putz.

Hey, we can be scientiflc from now to doomsday.

Every once in a while, we gotta use our balls and go for the big one.

-You know what I mean? -Tilley, it's got nothing to do with it.

You gotta take the paper, figure what the horse can do...

what their past record is, what they're doin' now, you know what I mean?

There are things called jockeys: they get on top of the horse.

Hey, Wing, what's up?

- Ow! - You lost a sale, Tilley.

- The Hudsons loan didn't go through. - What do you mean, they wouldn't clear the loan?

Oh, this guy's a real beauty. He's got three out'standing shoplifting charges...

failure to pay child support in a previous marriage.

The guy's overdue on his mortgage, overdue on his car payment...

and he just lost his job for misappropriation of funds.

What's wrong with this world?

I mean, what, there are sick people out there!

Thieving son of a bitch like that takes up my time...

cuts into the amount of hours I have available...

to deal with other people who are interested in my wares.

What..

There's no fuckin' sympathy for the working man in this country!

- Nobody said it was gonna be easy. - Sh..

- Did you read the paper? - What section?

Take a look at this.

- ''Ocean-front recreational--'' - No, no, no, no, no!

''Home Improvement Commission.''

''Home Improvement Commission hearings begin today.''

Well, what the hell is this? McCarthyism?

What do they expect to find? Communists?

-Just go easy on the scams, Tilley. - Damn.

Bear with me a minute, if you will, please.

All right, all right. Here, here. Here it is.

Now, when you made your initial sales pitch, did you indicate...

that you would be giving a free set of storm windows with the job?

- Free storm windows? - Yes, that you would provide a free set of storm windows with the sale of aluminum siding.

No, sir. I wouldn't be able to make any money if I was giving away storm windows.

-My storm windows cost me somewhere in.. -Yeah, the point being...

that you had no intention of giving away the storm windows.

Uh, no, sir, storm windows, as I recall, was not the issue.

So you weren't dangling a free set of storm windows...

as a come-on to selling them the aluminum siding job?

No, sir, I merely told the folks that the storm windows...

would enhance the beauty of their house.

- What do we make of all this? - ...down on their heating bill..

I think it's the future, Moe.

- Where do you think they're getting all this information from? - I don't know.

But any tin man gets into that hot seat, he's had it.

Yeah, they take away your licence forever. It just don't seem fair.

Boy, I bet I could sell a ton of these things.

What? This? Nah, too silly-lookin'.

- You ever see a dealership? - Nah-uh.

Interesting.

Tilley, I found this on your desk while I was going over some papers.

IRS? I never remember seeing it. I must've left it with my other bills.

- I wonder what it is. - Maybe it's a refund cheque.

Hmm. Huh, well...

it says here they haven't received my 1961 taxes.

''According to our records..'' They haven't..

- They didn't get my cheque for $4,000. - Well, it must be a clerical error.

I..I can't believe they spend all this time and energy to write to me, to single me out.

If I hear that song one more time, Sammy, I'm gonna bust.

What are you talkin' about? You didn't pay your taxes?

Well, I probably forgot. People forget to pay their taxes all the time.

I got so many things on my mind. It just slipped my mind.

I figured they could wait a few years. It's not like they need my money to build a bomber.

You think they're waiting for my money to build a new road?

What, are they sitting up there at the hill going, ''Oh, it's time to go see that fellow on Pimlico Row.

We can't run this government without his $4,000.''

This is just what I need in my life right now. I'm in a slump:

I'm at war with a crazy Pollack; and I got the IRS on me.

I mean, like, it's like when things go wrong, i-it's, uh.. whoo!

I wanna tell you something. She's getting on my nerves.

- Who, Nora? - Yeah. Yeah. Who else is it gonna be?

''Who, Nora?'' Who else is there?

The whole idea of being with a girl on consecutive night's is new to me, you know.

It's not like being with a girl for a night.

When they live with you, it's like pressing the point.

They bring all these things with 'em, you know? Like, you go into the bathroom...

you see things you never saw before.

- So what's the to-do? - Well, they-they-they move all your stuff.

It's not where it used to be. I'm just, uh.. I'm not used to it.

You mean, all this time you never lived with a girl?

Have we met? Huh?

How long have we been partners, for crying out loud? No, I never lived with a girl.

Boy, oh, boy, you wake up on the wrong side of the bed today?

Yes, I did. I came home last night...

and she was sleeping on my side of the bed.

My whole life, I never got up on the left side.

I like the left side.

I came close once. A long time ago in the Catskills, I met a girl, Dorian.

We were together for about a week. But, no, no, no! You see...

it's not the same, because..

She used to go to her room to change and to-to do all that stuff, you know?

She didn't bring her things over to my room.

- There's people out here. - I'm not making a scene. I just want to..

- I'm going to work. - All this because I'm trying to get even with some guy.

You know what? I'm gonna go see her, and I'm gonna..

I'm gonna put an end to this.

Is that him?

Yeah. Bill!

- Glad you stopped by. What a surprise! - Listen. Listen, listen.

- I..I have a problem. - Oh, how can I help?

Well, the problem is-is, uh, you.

- You're the problem. - Really? How so?

- Well, uh, there are these, uh, things that are bothering me. - Like what?

- Well, you know, things. - Things?

Things. You know, stuff, like, uh, stuff that comes up.

You know, like, uh, annoyances.

- Annoyances? - It's very hard to explain.

- Yeah, well.. well, try. - It's very..

All right, just as an example: Last night I came home...

I get undressed and I realized that you were sleeping on my side of the bed.

Now, this is the side of the bed that I always sleep on, you know?

I mean, I..I..I've always done that.

Well, why didn't you just nudge me a little bit...

you know, ask me to go to the other side?

Because...

I didn't wanna wake you up.

No, and I..I thought you'd think it was silly or something.

- Well, it's easily changed. - No, but there are other things...

you know, bigger things.

Oh, boy, just talking about this now...

it sound's so silly.

You know, if you think all this is, um...

going too fast, maybe I should move out.

I think that's what you're trying to tell me, Bill.

I really care for you, but, you know, if you think it's best.

I don't want to make you unhappy.

I don't think we have to take any drastic action.

- I just thought I wanted to get some things off my chest. - Well, I'm glad that you did.

- I guess I just wanted to talk it out. - No. You nip it in the bud.

- Yeah. - Like adults.

Listen, uh, I'm gonna go catch the last couple of races at Pimlico. Wanna come?

Oh, I gotta work.

I know that.

Good thing

Go on, baby. Go on! Come on, Paris Red!

That's it! Make your move! Make me $4,000 richer. 40 to 1.

Come on. There's a guy who's got 100 buck's on you up here, Paris Red.

Let's go, baby! Come on. That's it. That's it. Ride him. Go! Go!

$4,000, don't slip away!

Go, three. Go, three. Come on, baby. Come on.

Ride him, you sucker. Come on, Paris Red. Let's go, baby.

Let's go. Let's go. No! No!

- Good thing -Jeez. - Yeah, I got myself a winner.

Good thing

Hey, hey, hey Ooh, ooh, ooh

Why don't you go to H & R Block and get your taxes straightened out?

And have some guy rake me over the coals for spendin' on this and that? No, thanks.

You got some green. Give the government somethin'.

Fuck 'em. Right now, I got $163 in my pocket, and I ain't partin' with it.

It's like some guy tryin' to sell me life insurance.

You think I want to take money out of my pocket to give it to some jerk...

so that somebody can take it when I'm dead?

No way, Sam. You gotta live for today.

I'm gonna live as good as I can every day. You know what I'm sayin'?

Only too well.

Hey! Mr Merengue went to the track.

Did you bother to bet, or did you just hand your money to the tellers?

Heh. Your sarcasms killin' me.

I thought you were lookin' to get even, pal.

I don't know who your accountant is, mister...

but the way I count, you're down on the debit side.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah. - Who's stuck with my wife, you or me?

Okay.

Then you win.

I win?

- That guy'd never let me win. - For cryin' out loud, let it go at that. You win!

I couldn't have won. I smell a rat.

What do you think if we made this one of our factory showcase houses?

- Whats that mean, Mr Gable? - Well, you know what I do, Alan?

I pick certain houses that are strategically located.

We put up the aluminum siding, and for every referral, I give you $200.

- Two hundred dollars? - That's right.

Now, God knows how many homes we could sell by people passing this house.

It's perfectly located for that.

Alan, put out your hand.

100, 200, 300, 400.

Alan, I'm giving you commission on two referrals...

before I even put a panel on the side of this house.

That's how confident I feel.

- Y-You think that many people are gonna drive.. - Oh, I'm certain.

I'm not givin' away $400 for my health.

I'm a businessman. I'm a good businessman...

and this is good business for me.

I'm giving it to you because I believe in this house..

believe it will refer other job's to me, which is money in my pocket...

which is money in your pocket.

- You got a deal, Mr Gable. - You're a wise man, sir..

- Are you.. - That's great. - Are you all right, sir?

Moe! Moe!

- Finally got a hold of May. She was at her sisters. - Oh, I forgot.

- She'll be here right away. - BB, I don't have any insurance.

If I die, May's got nothing. Nothing. There's nothing for Leonard.

The only money I got is what I got in my pocket. That's all I got.

-Just take it easy, Moe. - Did they sign?

- Don't worry about that now. - God damn it, BB, did you sign 'em?

Don't worry about it. We'll, we'll take care of it tomorrow.

Goddam, my chest hurts. BB, I always told you...

never walk out of a place without a signature.

Someones word ain't spit.

Look, I, uh, I never.. This is all kind of new to me, you know? So, uh..

Uh, I thought I'd better call.

You know, to tell you that I'm gonna be late.

I don't know, maybe, uh, two or three hours.

I never, uh, had anyone to call before, but I thought I'd better...

you know, call, that's all.

W..Well, why? Do you feel like you have some kind of obligation or somethin'?

No, no, no. No, I..I..I..I don't know. I just thought it was a good idea to call...

is, is-is what I was gonna do.

I don't know what's gonna happen to Moe.

I hope he's okay.

I'll see you when you get in.

Yeah.

- Mouse, figure this out, will ya? - Why don't we just split it four ways?

No way! Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold it. I didn't eat anything.

- Now, M..Mouse eat's like an animal. He eat's enough to feed Peru. - Wait. Wait a minute.

Sometimes you eat more than he eats. It'll even out.

Uh-uh! No-No-No way. I don't eat-- I never eat as much as him.

He always eats more than anybody else. I'm not gonna pay for his food.

What are you talkin' about? Today I happened to have...

some eggs and flapjacks, some cantaloupe..

the cantaloupe was excellent.. some juice and then another juice.

Is that all? I'd get the truck in here. What are you talkin' about here?

- Like an animal, you eat. - But, but, but what did I have yesterday?

I don't know what you had. What..What'd he have, Sam?

Wait. I'll get my notebook out. How the fuck do I know what he had?

Well, I don't remember what he had. Gil, what did he have?

Yesterday?

- Pancakes. - No.

- Then what'd you have? - Guess.

W.. What is this, a quiz show? Wh.. What did you have? Tell us what you had.

- I had very little. - Very little. You eat like an animal. It couldn't have been very little.

I didn't have that much. Doesn't anybody remember?

- We don't remember. I don't know why. - I could've sworn he had pancakes.

- Oh, he said he didn't have pancakes. - I'll give you a clue.

- Maple syrup was involved. - Uh, I don't give a shit.

- French toast. - French toast? He had more than French toast.

- Yes, but not a lot. - Look, I don't give a damn. We'll split it four ways, all right?

Hey, Tilley, Tilley. Your wife is knockin' on the window here, okay?

All right. Well, everyone divvy it up, and I'll make good for four ways.

Jesus Christ.

It was not long ago you never would have seen a woman in here.

You don't have to tell me. How many times did you drop me off and come up here till all hours of the morning?

- I know. I was just tryin' to be congenial. - I wasn't.. I wasn't starting anything.

- Let's keep the conversation on a kind of nice, light level, you know? - Yeah. It's light.

Yeah. All right. So, what's the scoop, Nora?

Well, you know, I thought w.. we should really get divorced.

Makes sense. Want some more coffee?

- Yeah. Yeah, I'll have some. Yeah. - Florence?

- Could we have some more coffee here? - I'm busy. Give me a minute.

- Yeah, well, it's for the best. - Yeah, uh, yeah.

- You know, we were kind of foolin' ourselves there. - Yeah, we were.

- You know, it went wrong somewhere along the line. - Yeah.

I don't remember where, though, but, you know.

You used to make me laugh, Tilley, you know? You used to..

You used to really make me laugh.

- Yeah. lt went wrong somewhere. I don't know. - It went wrong, yeah.

- So you really like this guy? - Yeah, yeah, I like him.

All in all, I guess it all worked out for the best.

- I'm glad you feel that way. - Yeah.

I mean, can you flgure it out? A guy bangs into my car...

think's I did him in, tries to get even with me by stealin' my wife, you two fall in love.

- Can you flgure that out? - What?

- You tellin' me you didn't know that was the guy? - This was that guy?

I told you I bumped into another tin man.

No, no, no, no. No, he.. No, he didn't tell me he was a tin man.

- He said he sold baby pictures. - Hi there.

It's your life. All I know is this guy's got a bent weathervane.

Oh, God. Oh, God, not another tin man.

- He didn't.. He didn't tell you he was the guy that smashed my car? - No.

Can you beat.. I can't believe this. This is..

- Uh, Nora, are you okay? - Um.. No, I'm not okay.

You want me to get you a Bromo-Seltzer or somethin'?

- W-W-W-We.. - No, no, no, it's fine. I'm fine.

- I'm sorry. I.. - I'm fine. - Well, you know, this guy..

- I'm tellin' you, the guy is nuts. - Yeah, yeah. I know. I know.

- I told you he attacked me in the middle of the street. - Excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom.

- Are you crazy? - You're a goddam tin man!

Uh, wait a minute. Wait! Wait a minute!

Wait! Wait a minute!

You wanted to win me just to get even with my husband. Screw you!

Jeez, I'd get rid of that car. It's bad luck.

- That that guy again? - It's his wife.

His wife?

There's definitely some kind of sickness that runs in that family.

What, is he gonna teach everybody the song now?

Oh, he's terriflc. I got a lesson with him at 3:30.

You'll both be out the window at 4:00.

- Take a look at this crap. - What, the IRS? They don't wanna leave me alone.

Home improvement commission.

- They're serious. - What, we gotta appear?

- It seems to be the gist of what they're saying. - Holy Christ.

- Can't we ignore it? I mean, how do they know we got the letter? - It's certifled.

- What do you think about this? - I don't know.

- I don't know what they got. - Why are all these things happenin' to me?

Life has been quiet

Since you've been gone

It's no fun

Burnin' for one

Look at these. They're not that bad, huh?

Come on, Beeb. Let's dance.

No, thank's, Ruthie. My dancing shoes are on holiday.

- Are you sure? - More than sure.

- So who's the best you ever saw? - Best what? The best tin man I ever saw?

- Sure. - Well, Harry Fennerman.

Dandy Flynn had a couple of good lines, but they burned themselves out too fast.

Best tin man I ever saw was Moe.

Moe is the best there ever was.

If he could get into the door, he had a sale.

- What are some of the scams he pulled? - Goddam Nora.

Goddam. I'm tryin' to adjust, you know?

I'm tryin' to put up with things I never put up with before in my life.

Give me a break. Give me a break, woman.

- What are some of the hustles you and Moe used to pull? - It was gettin' to be real pleasant.

Can you figure that?

More than pleasant. Ah, hell with her.

What is it made Moe so good?

I bet she went home to her husband.

- Can you tell me some of the stories about Moe? - What time does this say?

- It's about 11:30. It's early. - He wouldn't be home yet.

Here. Here, you take that...

and let it pay for the, uh, what-do-you-call-it.

I'll see you, Stanley.

They got no right. You know what I'm sayin', Sam?

They got no right. Commission!

Listen to me. They got nothing concrete against us...

because if it's just hearsay stuff, it's neither here nor there.

Where's my car? Why am I not in my car? What happened to my car?

It's better I drop you off.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, headache, headache, headache.

He's not here.

The blue Caddy.

I knew I could smell a rat.

That son of a bitch is comin' for me.

You wanna rob my house? I'll make it easy for ya.

Come on. Rob Tilley. Take everything he's got.

Come on.

Hello.

Tomatoes. Celery.

Mmm, that's Noras. Meat. No, save that for tomorrow.

Eggs! Mmm!

Eggs.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Wake up.

Come on. Wake up.

You're a sick man.

You smash my car, you steal my wife, and now you come to rob me.

You're one demented human bein'.

I'm gonna call the police and send you to jail.

But first, I'm gonna humiliate ya.

What do you wanna break into my house for? This ain't the fuckin' Rockefeller mansion.

There ain't 38 television sets here.

It ain't like somebodys sayin', ''Nelson, I think we've had a break-in.

Count the set's to see how many we got left.''

It ain't like there's tons of jewellery hangin' out of the drawers...

or I don't know which watch to put on in the morning, I got so many.

I got enough problems with the IRS bullshit bustin' my balls...

and the home improvement commission to contend with.

I don't need aggravation from you.

How you like your eggs, Babowsky? Over easy?

A guy breaks into my house, and I'm bein' charged with assault.

It makes no sense.

- Let's get it down right. - Yeah, let's-- Yeah.

- A guy broke into your house. - Mm-hmm.

- You hit him in the head with a gun... - Correct.

- went to the refrigerator... - Right.

- took out eggs and tomatoes... - Exactly.

- and threw them at him. - Yeah. I was defending myself.

- He was comin' to steal from me. - It doesn't sound like defence to me.

Well, I wanted to humiliate the guy. Here I am, out bustin' my ass...

all day long, trying to make an honest living.

I come home, and some schmuck is stealin' from me.

So you hit him with a gun and pelted him with eggs and tomatoes.

Yeah. I'd have thrown soup at him if I had any soup.

Is there a law says you can't throw eggs?

Mr Babowsky claims he didn't break into your house.

Well, what did I do, invite him in so I could throw eggs at him?

Maybe Mr Babowsky intended to break into your house...

but these circumstances of him bein' pelted with eggs and tomatoes is somethin' we need to look into.

I can't believe this.

The guy throws eggs at me, and, uh, and, uh, I'm havin' breakfast with him.

- You're gonna sit down with this guy and come to some kind of settlement, you understand? - All right, all right, all right.

You gotta put an end to this thing.

Now sit on the paper. I put paper out there for you.

- I don't want you gettin' that egg all over my leather seats. - Oh, boy, uh, you know, I..

Oh, okay. All right.

-Take your feet off the rug. -What do you want me to do with my feet?

-Just suspend 'em up in the air, all right? - Oh, Christ. Okay.

- I had to clean the rug. - Yep.

All right. Uh, let me tell you what I'm willing to do.

Uh, I'm gonna drop all the charges against you...

and we'll, we'll wipe the slate clean.

- I appreciate it. - You see how easy it is to clear it up?

Okay? That's it? That's an end to it?

All right, let's eat. Yo, hon.

- Okay, here's your cheque. - I don't know how the slate get's wiped clean...

when he breaks into my house and I'm the one charged.

N-N-N-N-No.. I told you I was not breaking into your house. I was looking for your wife.

- Hey, I thought we were gonna put it to bed. Are we gonna put it to bed or what? Okay? - All right. It's okay.

- All right? - I'm too tired.

The slate is clean, clean as a whistle.

- What'll you have? - Um...

I'd like, uh, eggs over, uh, hash browns...

some toast, toasted dark, butter on the side...

uh, large grapefruit juice and some coffee.

On second thought, in.. in.. uh, instead of the eggs over...

if I order soft-boiled eggs, how do you do it?

Do you take 'em out of the shell, or you leave 'em in the shell?

- We leave 'em in the shell. - I don't like it that way.

It's hot in the hand, and it's.. You know, it's hard to scoop the stuff out.

It's not good. You get little bits of shell in there. It doesn't taste good.

What do you say you just, uh, order some eggs and let it go at that, all right?

Listen, if I'm gonna order, at least I ought to be content with my food.

I'm a little hungry, you know? And I got a headache, and I got egg all over me and

Let's say you just, uh, order some eggs and let some other people eat before the lunch trade comes in.

Why do I need a man tellin' me what I should or shouldn't eat, hmm?

Look. This isn't a four-star restaurant, you know?

You're not, uh, you're not gonna have a gourmet meal here.

You're just ordering some breakfast, you know, that's all.

Well, it so happens, for your information, I've never eaten in this restaurant before...

and I don't know how they do their eggs.

You see, if they're over easy and they're gooey...

I'm not happy with it, and if they leave the soft-boiled eggs in the shell...

- I'm not happy with that either, you understand? - Fine.

Can I have French toast and a cup of coffee? What do you want, Bagel?

- Coffee.. - Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Excuse me. I'm ordering here.

At least have the courtesy to let a man order his breakfast.

- French toast and a cup of coffee, please. - Sam, uh, the guy get's on my nerves.

- From day one, he got on my nerves. I knew it then, I know it now. - Oh, I am..

- I'm back to pressing charges against this guy. - Oh, you wanna play that way, huh?

Is that the way you wanna play? Well, this game ain't over, mister.

- It ain't over. - Hey, hey, hey, you wanna put a stop to this right now, huh?

Because I am ready right now. Right now! Let's go.

- You're ready? - I'm ready. - You're ready now? - Let's finish it now!

- Come on! Let's finish it! - Get the people with the straitjackets.

- This man is out of control. - Come on. Let's finish it. Come on!

- Yeah? - Come on! Let's finish it now. - Yeah, I'm not finished..

- Let's get outta here. - I'm not finished with him, Sam. - Come on. Let's get outta here.

- I'm not finished with you, mister. - You're not gonna prove.. Come on. - You hear me? Huh?

- You hear me? - You're not gonna prove nothin' here. Let's go. - Oh, come on.

- Come on. Come on. - It's always the same with this guy. You can't..

- Sam.. - That was French toast and a cup of coffee. That's it.

Oh, God. Nora. Real pain in the ass. You know that?

I mean it. She's a real pain in the ass.

And it's worse now than when she used to be around. You wanna hear somethin'?

The other night at the Corral Club, I turned down a dance.

-You turned down a dance? -What do you think the odds are on that?

A hundred to one, BB don't dance. A hundred to one against.

I'm gettin' outta the business, BB.

I got nothin' to show for all this.

- Lotta good times, Moe. - Yeah, a lotta good times. You can't eat good times.

My brother-in-laws offered me a job at Hess Shoes. I think I'm gonna take it.

Eh, you go to work in the morning, you come home at night. They got medical benefits.

I get to be assistant manager.

That's it?

That's the way you're gonna spend your day, huh? Measuring people's feet.

''Well, sir, you have a high arch. I think you need something in an alligator...

with a wing tip.''

Not a lot to talk about all day.

You were the best tin man that ever was, Moe.

Well, it's all over, BB.

It's over.

You know, when I saw 'Bonanza' the other day, something occurred to me.

- Huh? - You got these four guys living on the Ponderosa...

and you never hear them saying anything about wanting to get laid.

I mean, you, you never hear Hoss say to Little Joe...

''I had such a hard-on when I woke up this morning.''

- No, no, no, Sam, I've never.. never.. - I mean, they don't talk about broads, nothin'.

- You never see them with their dicks in their hands. - You never.. Yeah, you never hear Little Joe say, ''Hey, Hoss...

I went to Virginia City, and I saw a girl with the greatest ass I've ever seen in my life.''

They just walk around the Ponderosa. ''Yes, Pa. Where's Little Joe?''

Nothin' about broads. I don't think I'm being too picky...

but if at least once they talked about getting horny.

I don't care if you live in the Ponderosa or right here in Baltimore...

guys talk about getting laid.

I'm beginning to think that show doesn't have too much realism. What do you think?

Sam, I..I can't concentrate on the 'Bonanza' bullshit.

I got too much on my brain. What with that asshole and the home improvement commission...

I don't wanna have to worry about whether Little Joe got laid last night, all right?

- Come on. Let's go and eat somethin'. - All right.

- We'll go to a smorgasbord. We'll get somethin' to eat. - That's it.

God, if you're responsible for all this stuff down here...

maybe you got a moments attention for me.

Between the IRS and this home improvement commission and Mr Merengue, uh...

I..I'm just up to here with all this bullshit.

To be frank with you, I'm in the toilet.

Listen, uh, I'm prayin' here. Will you go around?

I want to get some of the salad.

It's out of order. Go around.

Well, just do what you can, all right?

I'd appreciate it. Amen.

Didn't you approach Mr Bolochevski on August 18, 1961 ...

while he was cutting his front lawn, and tell him that his house had been selected...

one of only sixteen homes in the state of Maryland...

for a free aluminum siding job?

- What was that name again? - Bolochevski.

Uh, it doesn't ring a bell. Does it ring a bell with you, Sam?

- It doesn't ring a bell with me either, sir. - Didn't you sugg..

Didn't you suggest that for a nominal labour charge...

he would receive over $5,000 worth of aluminum siding?

That's an awful lot for nothin'. Doesn't sound like good business to me.

Mr Bolochevski was ultimately charged $2,400 for labour...

which, according to our figures, is about the average cost of an aluminum siding job.

- I don't get the point of this. - What we're getting at here..

the point we'd like to stress.. is that the job was sold under false terms.

The man didn't win any award. He wasn't getting any aluminum siding at that special price.

A clear case of deception is involved here.

- So what's he talkin' about? - I don't know what he's talkin' about. - The man got the job for $2,400?

- Which is what it costs in aluminum siding. - He got his moneys worth.

Yeah. Um.. I don't know.

I mean, uh, I.. we have no recollection of this particular job.

Uh, but I don't know if this is deception.

I mean, look, if you work in a clothing store...

a guy tries on a suit and look's like shit...

and you tell him, ''Wow, it's wonderful''...

I mean, there's a guy standin' there lookin' like a sack o shit...

and the salesman says, ''Oh, what a beautiful suit.''

W.. Now that's deception, as far as I can see.

If, if the man buys the suit, I mean, you've deceived the man.

- I mean, do I make myself clear? - I'll go along with that as well.

Yeah, I..I can't really see the, the deception that you're sayin' that we're responsible for.

Excuse us one minute.

Thank you very much, gentlemen. Should there be a reason...

to call you back in the future, we'd like to reserve that right.

Well, I'm glad we could be of service.

Thank you.

We beat 'em, Sam. We beat them. Piece o cake.

They got nothin' on us. Clean as a whistle.

- I need a drink. I hate inquisitions. - I like the story about the suit.

Mr Libidov? Hi. I represent the Gibraltar Aluminum Siding Company...

- and we're going to have a representative in your neighbourhood today. - Would you be interested in..

Would you be interested to.. Would you be interested in seeing...

the benefits of our aluminum product?

- I know it sound's incredible, sir. - Well, we do aluminum siding--

Nora Tilley, please.

Uh, eh, social security.

I don't know. She's, eh.. She's up there somewhere on the third floor.

She's got a.. What do you call it? A desk up there.

Stanley? Can I help you look for somethin' in there?

Uh, no. I'm just makin' myself busy.

Well, I wouldn't do that. Bagel don't like nobody lookin' in the flles.

- Mrs Tilley. - Nora, this is BB.

Uh-huh.

- May I talk to you? - I don't wanna see you any more.

-Just give me a chance to explain. - I don't wanna listen!

- You owe me that much. - I don't owe you anything.

It was a lousy thing to do, okay!

It was a lousy thing to use you to get back at your husband...

but the fact is, I never would've met you otherwise.

It was a lousy thing. It was a disgusting, terrible thing.

But a lot of good came out of it.

Will you just tell me somethin'? I..

Just tell me what kind of person comes up with such a devious thing.

I'm not such a nice guy all the time. Okay? I admit that.

I have a lot of training in deceit, you know? It's an occupational hazard.

I wanna know what it is about me that I have to fall for tin men.

I mean, what kind of character flaw do I have?

I didn't wanna come here. You know?

I didn't wanna have to ever see you again.

I got this far in my life without ever having this kind of stuff happen to me, you know?

I was doin' okay in my life. I was sailin' along pretty good, you know?

And then all of a sudden, I decided to, to get even with some crazy guy...

and I'm, I'm, uh.. I'm here.

The wet becomes you.

It get's rid of some of the slickness.

I hate the fact that I'm not in control of this stuff.

But if I gotta have this stuff in my life, well...

I guess I have no choice.

I wanna..

You know?

I wanna be with you. Okay?

Okay, I said it. I've said it, and I'm glad.

I wanna be with you...

because I miss you and I love you...

and I wanna marry you.

And that's that.

I was hopin' for somethin' a little more romantic.

But okay.

Social security

That goes on together

I don't understand this. The broad smashes his car, he takes her dancing.

Must be a dating ritual I'm not familiar with.

Are ya gonna come home with me tonight?

Well, I don't know. All my stuff's over at Nellie's on the other side of town.

And?

I'll tell you what: I..I'll go back to the house. There's a few things I left behind.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll spend the night.

- BB's a pretty good tin man, though, huh? - Pretty good?

Jeez, the man's what legend's are made of.

He started sellin' pot's and pans door to door when he was 16.

There's nothin' he can't sell.

I'm glad this is workin' out.

- You're really happy, huh? - Yeah.

You don't show a great deal of exuberance, you know.

Well, honey, for me, I'm a parade.

You give me

You show me

''United States Government seizure.''

- What happened? - IRS. They need my furniture.

They got a livin' room somewhere in the country that need's to be furnished.

- They're takin' the furniture? - Furniture, the whole house.

Locked it up. Confiscated it.

Well, what do you expect, you know? You expect some preferential treatment?

You're some special case?

You gotta pay your taxes just like everyone else has to pay their taxes.

Oh, no, that seems to be a responsibility you just can't get a handle on.

Oh, I was doin' pretty good there for a while.

I had my house, had a wife...

a Cadillac.

I still got the Cadillac.

- So where ya gonna sleep? - I'll stay at Sam's...

for a couple nights until I get set up.

What are you doin' here anyway?

Well, I thought there might just be a couple things you didn't throw out of the house...

a couple things, you know, I didn't find on the lawn.

I don't know. I did a pretty good house cleanin' number on ya.

Listen. About the divorce, do you wanna flle or should I file?

Nora, I gotta level with ya. This guy is nuts.

He told me all about it.. all about how you threw eggs at him, and all..

- He told you it was about eggs? - No, not it was about eggs. He said..

- The guy tried to break into my house and steal things from me. - No.

He was lookin' for me. He.. We had an argument.

If you marry this guy, it'd be the biggest mistake you ever made in your life.

Oh, no. No, no, no. It's not for you to make decisions for me.

- I.. I think I should. I think you're bein' misled. - Ah.

- I think.. I think you're confused about this whole.. - I know what I'm doin'.

- Nora, Nora, I know about guys. - Yeah, well, I appreciate your concern...

- but it's not for you to make decisions for me any more. - But this guy is about as bad a choice as you can make.

- Bad choice. - You're a good one to give advice. Look at you.

You're sittin' on your porch locked outta your house. You can't even pay your taxes...

and you want to give me advice on life?

I'm not givin' you a divorce, and that's it.

I mean, I'm lookin' out for your welfare. No divorce.

Look. It's for your own benefit, and you'll thank me for it.

My benefit?

You don't give a damn about me. You don't give a damn about who I marry.

The reason you don't want me to marry him is because he's the man takin' your wife...

and you got.. you got this thing with him.

It has nothin' to do with me. That's all. That's all.

You don't care about me. It's the same bullshit you're doin'.

That's the way it always is with you, Tilley. It's.. It's always you. It's you.

Look.. The IRS, they're takin' your house. They're takin' your furniture.

You don't say anything about my things in the house, you know?

I got things in that house I worked damn hard for...

things that were given to me by my family.

The headboard was.. was given to me by Aunt Josephine.

That's gotta be at least a hundred.. you know.. fifty years old or..

You know, it's old. And, and the hand-embroidered footstool and, and..

What.. What footstool?

The hand-embroidered footstool over by the TV. You..

I don't remember seein' that.

It's Granny's. It's.. It's been there forever. It belonged to my granny.

It's been there forever? I've never seen it.

That's the way it is with you, Tilley. You just.. It.. It doesn't mean anything to you.

You, you don't care if they take it all away.

It's all you, Tilley.

It's all it's ever been.

Hand-embroidered footstool?

- Here. - Thank's for the lift back, BB.

Okay, Stanley.

See ya around.

You know somethin', Stanley? I could always smell a man that's not made of tin.

Stealing files is against the law.

I could call the cops right now. You'd be in jail.

No, uh, I'll, I'll put it back, and nobody's the wiser.

You're from the commission, aren't you?

The commission doesn't have enough information, huh? They gotta hire guys like you to snoop around?

We're just starting out. I..If I can get...

some good, hard facts of some infractions, then we'll have credibility in the community.

You know what your big problem is, Stanley? You're lazy.

You wanna find out some stuff?

Did it ever occur to you to pick up a phone and develop a lead, huh? Canvass?

That's what we do all the time. That doesn't occur to you, does it, Stanley?

Because you're lazy.

You think we did something wrong, why don't you collect your evidence in a legal manner?

But you don't like that, do you? You wanna snoop around. You wanna steal some files.

Huh? What is this? Eliot Ness or something?

What's goin' on here? Huh?

You think this is some big-time drug ring, Stanley?

What do you think, you're infiltrating the Mafia?

We're just a bunch of guys tryin' to sell some aluminum 'siding, for cryin' out loud.

You want some files, I'll give you some files.

Here's some of the job's that I've done. Leave Moe out of it.

He's quit the business.

Why are you doing this?

Maybe if I talked to him another day, he'll change his mind.

You know, he's like that. I mean, one day he's one way...

- and another day he's another way. - Nah, there's no need to talk to him.

He's probably upset, you know, about the IRS taking the house and all his stuff.

- You ever see a Volkswagen? - Huh?

- You know, one of those little cars. - No.

What does that have to do with anything?

Nothin'. I just think they're interesting.

Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'

- Plannin' and dreamin' each night of his charms - Hey, Tilley, Mr Merengue is here.

That won't get you into his arms

So if you're looking for love

You can share all you gotta do is..

Can I talk to you in private? Or do we have to talk over 14 pool tables?

And show him that you care

Show him that you care just for him

Do the things he likes to do

Wear your hair just for him

'Cause you won't get him

- Thinkin' and a-prayin'.. - Okay, uh, we got enough goin' down between the two of us, I know...

but, uh, the fact of the matter is, I love your wife, and I wanna marry her.

Well, I don't care who she marries, but I don't want her marrying you.

You think we can discuss this in a nice, rational manner?

Rational? You're gonna be rational?

Look, I know we have a problem...

but I'd like to try to isolate this one particular situation.

Isolate, huh? Isolate. Huh.

Well, I like this kind of talk.

- What the hell nonsense is that? - Well...

what are you tryin' to gain from this thing here, huh?

Well, wait a second. I gotta isolate that for a moment and think it over.

You know, nobody benefits from makin' me mad.

You oughta hear yourself, pal. Huh? You know that?

You oughta listen to the way you talk. You come in here. You wanna take my wife.

You want to isolate this situation. You want to be rational.

I got no tolerance for you, mister. You know what I'm sayin'?

So I gather what you're saying is that, uh, there's no use, uh, discussing this. Is that it?

That won't get you into his arms

You like pool?

I enjoy the game.

Why don't we play a little game of eight ball?

If I lose, I consent to the divorce.

If you lose, you give up Nora...

walk away from her.

- You will be his - Rack 'em.

- Hey, Wing. - Tilley.

- Wasn't that the goof from the commission? - Masters, yeah.

- What the hell's he doin' hangin' around here? - He want's some information.

- I nailed his ass good. Whoo! - Yeah?

He can't lay a finger on me. Aw, you should've seen me.

I was respectful, courteous, but I was slippin' and slidin'.

- They couldn't touch me. - Listen, Tilley, I got a real problem.

- Why don't I buy you a drink? - All right.

Hope it's not a big problem.

You're gonna sell me out to the commission? Wing, am I hearin' this right?

I'm up front with you on this. I'm up front with you on this, Tilley.

I got my balls in a vice. What am I gonna do?

Is this because of the money I owe you? I mean, are you just pissed?

Tilley, this has got nothing to do with the money.

You're gonna sell me out? You're gonna let 'em bury me?

Jesus Christ, Wing. Jesus Christ.

I'm not gonna be able to work in this business? Wing, this was my chosen field.

Masters was gonna tear this company apart.

Now, you're the low man on the totem pole. There's a lot of guys makin' a good living.

There's no sense for the whole thing to go up in smoke. You understand, Tilley?

- It's just business. -Jesus Christ.

You're in for over two grand on the books. I'll tell you what: I'll wipe the slate.

And here.

I'll give you a thou till you get set up.

- I can't do any better than that. - You sell me out for a lousy $3,000?

$3,000 and I gotta go down the toilet?

Jesus, Wing. I mean, how long the two of us been bustin' our asses together, huh?

We got a history in this relationship, for Christ's sake.

Masters comes along, puts a little squeeze on you and you sell me out.

- $3,000. - The bottom line, Tilley, is this is just business.

Here.

It's another deuce.

I carried you for a long time, Tilley.

I've done a damn sight more than a lot of other guys would've done for you...

and I don't see any gratitude from you.

You can finish up when you like.

I'm sorry, Tilley. It's the way of the world.

As hard as it is

As hard as it is

As hard as it is

Lord knows

As hard as it is

Bill, better hurry up. Everything's ready.

I can't believe you're up so early. This is a rare occasion.

Yeah. I got some business I have to attend to downtown.

The toast'll be ready in a second if this thing is workin'. I don't know.

Nora. I lied to you the other day.

-How so? -I went to see Tilley about the divorce.

He wasn't very reasonable, and, uh, you know, one thing led to another...

so we decided flnally to shoot some pool to decide the matter.

- What? - We decided to shoot some pool.

You know? If I won, he would give you up, and if I lost, I would give you up.

- You shot pool for me? - I had no choice.

That's the most despicable thing I've ever heard in my whole life.

I mean, that's disgusting, shootin' pool to determine my future!

Nora, I had no choice.

- The toast is ready. - Get it yourself!

Hey, I'm only tryin' to be honest, you know? I'm tryin' to tell you...

what's on my mind and what's on my, uh, conscience, you know.

- Which one of these things is yours? - Oh, well, why don't you eat both of 'em?

Maybe you can choke to death on one of 'em.

How can you be so.. How can you not understand how wrong that, uh..

I don't understand this mentality. I mean, shootin' pool for me! It's insane! It's nuts!

Look, Tilley is not the most rational guy in the world. You know what I mean?

I tried talking to him, and he wouldn't listen to me.

So what are my options? I'm asking you. Huh? What are my options?

I can't believe you had to shoot pool for me.

I mean, I, uh.. Do you understand how crazy that is?

Look at you. You're eatin' eggs. You're, you're, you're eatin' eggs...

like you're.. casually.. like it's normal business in life here, you know?

- Like some feudal lord or somethin' you read about in history. - All right. All right. I'm sorry.

What happened?

- I lost. - You lost? - I blew the eight ball.

- You lost? - Yeah. - What does that mean, you lost?

It means I'm supposed to give you up. It means I'm supposed to never see you again.

Will you stop eating your eggs for a minute?

How can you tell me things like this and casually eat your eggs?

What does this mean, Bill?

It means I'm supposed to never see you again...

to honour my part of that agreement.

But I'm not that honourable a guy.

I gotta go.

Whoa, wait a minute. Where are you goin' so fast here?

I told ya. I got some business downtown.

Wanna have some dinner tonight?

- Over what we planned? - Yeah.

You gotta testify, huh?

You?

- Yeah. - Got a lawyer?

Nah. I already testified once.

Beat 'em before. I'll beat 'em again.

You got a high-priced mouthpiece to speak for you?

No, I don't need one. I don't expect to win.

How so?

I gave 'em some pretty incriminating evidence.

You gave them evidence?

Yeah, it was the only way I could think of to get out of this business.

That's a good one. Yeah.

So how's Nora?

She's doin' okay.

Ernest Tilley? Please come forward.

Take good care of her.

Was it the heat of the sales pitch on September.. August 17 of this year...

that made you write across a contract, ''This job is free''?

As I remember, uh, no sale was made, uh, concerning those customers.

The deal fell out because a loan couldn't be arranged, but the people did agree in principle.

The.. The point we'd like to stress is that you misled these people.

You told them the job was free. Then you send in your closer with some cover story...

about how you'd suffered a nervous breakdown.

The sale is ultimately made for $2,377.

Uh, I don't know. It just came over me. It might've been somethin' I ate.

Well, we have other specific examples of deceptive sales practices on your behalf...

concerning a job carried out by you on December 11 , 1962.

You violated sections 241 , 247.

October 9, 1962, violations of 251 , 257 took place.

What are all these numbers? I mean, I'm not aware of all these section violations.

It is the feeling of this commission that these violations are severe infractions...

of the home improvement laws and therefore constitute a misuse...

of the licence to sell aluminum siding as approved by the state.

It's the decision of this commission to revoke your licence to sell aluminum siding...

to prohibit you from practising in the state of Maryland.

Are you sure? I mean, maybe you guys wanna talk this over a bit?

Thank you, Mr Tilley. That'll be all. You may hand in your, uh, licence...

to the clerk of the commission on your way out.

Who's next?

Shit.

William Babowsky, please come forward.

Mr William Babowsky, please come forward.

You have a right to have a lawyer present if you so wish.

I do not wish.

- Hey, mister? - Yeah?

- Have a car parked right there? - Yeah. What about it?

- A man came and took it. - Who took it?

Tax man.

- Tax man. How do you know it was a tax man? - He gave me a dollar to tell you so.

Fuckin' IRS. How low can you get?

How.. How fuckin' low can you get?

I mean, what kind of people take a man's car?

Sorry about your licence.

Yeah. You?

Sorry to hear it.

What are you doin' standin' there?

- It's where my car used to be. - Stolen?

IRS. The bandit's.

- You need a ride? - I could use one.

- Some bullshit commission, huh? - Yeah.

Tell me, where's it written in the constitution where it says a man can't hustle for money?

Huh? Where's it written? I mean, it's not like I went into an alley...

got a brick and whacked the guy over the head with it.

You'd think I..I went into somebody's house and stole his stuff.

I mean, all I'm doin' is sellin'. Where's the crime in that?

- Yeah, I don't know what the country's comin' to. - You're tellin' me?

I don't know what the country's comin' to.

Wanna know what our big crime is?

We're nickel-and-dime guys, just small-time hustlers.

We got caught because we were hustling nickels and dimes.

Nickels and dimes. You got a good point there, BB.

You're right on the money with that kind of thinkin'. Nickels and dimes. Hmm.

Nickels and dimes. Nickels and dimes.

Now we gotta start thinkin' about a new business to get into.

New? It's very hard to find 'somethin' new to get into.

- Maybe. Maybe not. - Yeah.

I'll put on my thinking cap. I'll come up with somethin' new.

- Believe me, it's just a matter of time. We'll think of something. - Yeah. Oh, no, a matter of time.

- We'll get it. We'll get it. - Hey, did you hear? Uh, rumour has it there's a whole new Cadillac coming out.

- What? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're gonna redo all the flns or somethin'.

- You're kiddin'. You mean a new lines thing? - I hear it's a real beaut.

- Ooh. - Yeah. This is what a guy told me.

Ooh, maybe I should put in my order right away. Those things are gonna go like hot cakes.

- Whoo. - What are you talking about?

You don't got a pot to piss in.

You give me the pot, I'll flll it.

- You know, I got an idea. What? - I got an idea. What? What were you gonna say?

-No, no, you go first. -No, go on. -No, no, you go first. Um, I'm thinking.

- What was your idea? I wanna hear it. - Hey, you're a guest. What is it?

- Oh, I'm a guest. I got an idea, but if you.. - No, no, tell me, uh...

what your idea was, and then I'll tell you mine.

- I want.. Well, what is it? No, go on. - This is irritating. Please.

-Just go ahead and tell me. Just go right ahead. - I just found your--

- Well, I wanna hear your.. - Everything.

- All right, I'll tell you what. We'll flip a coin for it. - All right. Here we go. - I'm as happy as a baby boy

- What do you got? - Two out of three.

- I got heads. - With another brand new choo-choo toy

- What do you got? - What do I got? You told me you got heads.

When I met my sweet Lorraine Lorraine, Lorraine

The one good thing

In my life

Has gone away

I don't know why

She's gone away

I don't know where

Somewhere I cannot follow her

-The one good thing didn't stay too long -Hey, hey, hey

My back was turned

- Hey, hey, hey -And she was gone

Good thing where have you gone

My good thing

- You been gone too long - Good thing

People say

I should forget

There's plenty more Don't get upset

People say

She's doin' fine

Mutual friends I see sometime

- That's not what I want to hear - Hey, hey, hey

- I wanna hear she wants me near - Hey, hey, hey

Good thing where have you gone

My good thing

- You've been gone too long - Good thing

Then one day

She came back

I was so happy that I didn't ask

I should've known

It couldn't last

Mornin' came

All too fast

- Mornin' came into my room - Hey, hey, hey

- Caught me dreamin' - Hey, hey, hey

Like a fool

Good thing where have you gone

My good thing

- You've been gone too long - Good thing

Good thing where have you gone

My good thing

- You've been gone too long - Good thing

My, my, my, my good thing

Where have you gone

My good thing

Yeah, my good thing