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Going dark.
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Thom Pain, this is your 15 minute call,
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15 minutes, 15 minutes.
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00:01:41,620 --> 00:01:43,370
Thom Pain, places call, places please
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00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:47,200
for top of the show,
places please, thank you.
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00:02:45,170 --> 00:02:46,730
How wonderful to see you all.
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00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:01,610
I should quit.
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00:03:03,010 --> 00:03:04,520
We should define some terms here
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00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:06,030
then maybe you get a little story.
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00:03:06,030 --> 00:03:09,950
So, from the new Century
Dictionary of English,
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"fear, one, any of the
discrete parts of the face
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"as in the eyes or mouth, or eyes.
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"Two, the capital of Lower
14
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"in the north-central Southeast corner,
15
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"population 8,000,001, approx.
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00:03:26,670 --> 00:03:29,960
"Three, fear, four, see three,
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00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,470
"five, there is no seven.
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00:03:32,470 --> 00:03:35,680
"Colloquial archaic
verb or noun, depends."
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00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,010
oh, look at that, felicific,
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00:03:40,830 --> 00:03:44,770
adjective; causing or
intending to cause happiness.
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00:03:44,770 --> 00:03:46,020
felicific, huh.
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00:03:47,350 --> 00:03:49,850
Anyway, now, I guess we begin.
23
00:03:51,820 --> 00:03:53,130
Do you like magic?
24
00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:56,040
I don't.
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00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:57,960
Enough about me, let's get to our story.
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00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,370
Do you want a story?
27
00:03:59,370 --> 00:04:01,630
Do you need to see me to hear me?
28
00:04:01,630 --> 00:04:03,960
If so, sorry, not yet.
29
00:04:07,110 --> 00:04:10,670
I'm afraid you'd laugh
at my native costume.
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00:04:10,670 --> 00:04:12,570
Promise you won't laugh.
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00:04:12,570 --> 00:04:14,030
I know you won't, friends.
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00:04:14,030 --> 00:04:15,770
I trust you won't,
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00:04:15,770 --> 00:04:17,810
but not because you promised.
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00:04:17,810 --> 00:04:21,890
You'll see me soon enough,
I expect, but not yet.
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00:04:23,810 --> 00:04:28,780
And yet, some things are
not really ours to decide.
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00:04:28,780 --> 00:04:33,420
The shape of the face, say,
or whether we're forgiven,
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00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:36,670
how tall we are, where to die and when.
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00:04:43,620 --> 00:04:45,390
I'll wait for the laughter to die down.
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00:05:00,210 --> 00:05:01,590
I still sense some laughter.
40
00:05:09,300 --> 00:05:10,710
There, wait, now.
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00:05:13,990 --> 00:05:14,820
There.
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00:05:16,260 --> 00:05:17,090
Oh, me.
43
00:05:18,310 --> 00:05:19,470
So, our story.
44
00:05:21,090 --> 00:05:22,990
Don't make it hard on yourselves.
45
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,800
Don't be troubled by what you
might perceive as obscure,
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hard, troublous, just remember
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the simple human picture before you, this,
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00:05:32,730 --> 00:05:35,470
a little boy in a cowboy
suit writing in a puddle
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00:05:35,470 --> 00:05:37,790
with a stick, a dog approaching.
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00:05:37,790 --> 00:05:41,440
Deaf or dumb, the boy is, or
like anyone, a little timid,
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partly stupid, ashamed,
afraid like us, like you.
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00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,930
Our little boy is wearing
shorts, shoes, no socks,
53
00:05:50,930 --> 00:05:52,870
no cowboy boots.
54
00:05:52,870 --> 00:05:57,730
He is there, dreaming of
this real life, right here.
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00:05:57,730 --> 00:05:59,060
Picture the boy.
56
00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:01,890
A terrible storm has just ended,
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00:06:01,890 --> 00:06:04,010
a cloud overhead, a little rumble.
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00:06:04,010 --> 00:06:06,730
The boy writes his watery lines.
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00:06:06,730 --> 00:06:10,810
See his eyes, sympathize
with his little clothes.
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00:06:12,820 --> 00:06:14,900
Now, break his arm.
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00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:17,430
Give him an injury, some
problem with his hip
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00:06:17,430 --> 00:06:20,480
so that he stands funny,
can't walk real good.
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00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,390
Now picture that the
stick he is writing with
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00:06:22,390 --> 00:06:23,730
is a violin bow.
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00:06:25,020 --> 00:06:28,680
Picture a violin section,
picture every living person
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00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,120
as a member of a violin section.
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00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:34,850
We hold the bow above the
strings, ready to play.
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00:06:34,850 --> 00:06:38,030
Picture a bird settling on a branch.
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00:06:38,030 --> 00:06:41,850
The violins are on fire,
feel the world inhale,
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00:06:41,850 --> 00:06:45,010
picture the readiness, the
stillness, the virtuosity
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00:06:45,010 --> 00:06:46,470
among this child.
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00:06:46,470 --> 00:06:50,620
Picture ash blowing
across a newly blue sky.
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00:06:50,620 --> 00:06:51,970
Now go fuck yourselves.
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00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:13,110
Picture, I don't know,
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00:07:15,290 --> 00:07:18,280
a bird, the kid, the child,
picture whatever you want.
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00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,520
You're free at least to
this little extent, yes?
77
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:23,020
Who knows, not me.
78
00:07:26,310 --> 00:07:29,230
You know who I suddenly don't need?
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00:07:30,930 --> 00:07:31,770
Anyone?
80
00:07:33,090 --> 00:07:35,230
No, I don't know either, no bother.
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00:07:35,230 --> 00:07:37,920
Or to employ the popular
phrase we use today
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00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,290
to express our brainless
and simpering tolerance
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00:07:40,290 --> 00:07:43,140
of everything, the
breakdown of distinction,
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00:07:43,140 --> 00:07:46,050
our fading national soul, whatever.
85
00:07:48,290 --> 00:07:49,870
I'm like, whatever.
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00:07:52,030 --> 00:07:54,280
I really am like, whatever.
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00:07:56,740 --> 00:08:01,550
Does it scare you being
face
88
00:08:01,550 --> 00:08:05,720
It should, there is no reason
for you not to be afraid.
89
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:13,030
None, or I don't know,
shall I save your life?
90
00:08:14,690 --> 00:08:17,150
Shall I love you slowly and be true?
91
00:08:17,150 --> 00:08:21,080
Shall I stroke your cheek
gently, almost not at all
92
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:22,670
and bring you a glass of cold water
93
00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:25,080
in the restless, humid night?
94
00:08:26,170 --> 00:08:29,300
Whatever, meanwhile, we
were speaking of the infant,
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00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,890
the cowboy suited child, making his way
96
00:08:31,890 --> 00:08:36,090
in the business world,
a tale for the ages.
97
00:08:36,090 --> 00:08:38,470
A flowery unfolding that
will leave you yearning
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00:08:38,470 --> 00:08:40,290
for that old yearning, bye!
99
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,980
Au revoir, cunt!
100
00:08:45,980 --> 00:08:47,400
Pardon my French.
101
00:08:53,290 --> 00:08:57,330
I'm like him, I strike people
as a person who just left
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00:08:57,330 --> 00:08:59,970
but a little performance,
a little turn on the themes
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00:08:59,970 --> 00:09:02,280
of fear, boyhood, nature, hate
the nature of performance,
104
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:06,440
and vice versa, the heart
of man, of woman instead,
105
00:09:07,550 --> 00:09:08,850
you know, you might be
better off if you'd gone
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00:09:08,850 --> 00:09:10,700
with your heart and left, like our friend,
107
00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:12,050
now departed who just left with his heart
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00:09:12,050 --> 00:09:14,300
and the rest of his organs.
109
00:09:16,060 --> 00:09:19,090
I don't know, this was an
aside, pretend I didn't say it.
110
00:09:19,090 --> 00:09:23,260
Don't imagine a pink elephant,
but our little story.
111
00:09:24,110 --> 00:09:25,530
The little boy in the
cowboy suit, did I say
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00:09:25,530 --> 00:09:27,500
he had a cowboy suit?
113
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:28,900
Not important.
114
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,820
Did I say he had a heart and a body full
115
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:33,220
of bleeding wonder and love?
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00:09:33,220 --> 00:09:35,360
Not important, either way,
there is the little man
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00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,370
before the puddle in the
quiet after the storm,
118
00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:40,370
there is a little
thunder, but no more rain.
119
00:09:40,370 --> 00:09:44,090
Not unimportantly, the
skies are all blue now,
120
00:09:44,090 --> 00:09:47,700
blue skies for child Harold,
whose name is not Harold.
121
00:09:47,700 --> 00:09:51,100
Trees are down, branches everywhere.
122
00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:53,800
The boy's beloved dog jogs toward him,
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00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:57,300
daintily avoiding other yet
to be written in puddles.
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00:09:57,300 --> 00:09:59,190
She's been making her
rounds, pawing around
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00:09:59,190 --> 00:10:02,190
the bases of trees, sniffing butterflies
126
00:10:02,190 --> 00:10:05,200
drying themselves in the breeze.
127
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,200
Ah, the dog.
128
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:12,270
Long story short, boy
loves dog, dog loves boy,
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00:10:12,270 --> 00:10:16,020
no question, no amendment,
no need to revise.
130
00:10:17,010 --> 00:10:20,260
The dog came closer, stopped to scratch,
131
00:10:20,260 --> 00:10:23,790
then she lowered her head
to lap water from the puddle
132
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,790
and was electrocuted.
133
00:10:25,790 --> 00:10:28,400
A power line had come
down and was lying frayed
134
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,200
in the water.
135
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,930
She was thrown some distance,
136
00:10:32,930 --> 00:10:36,570
flew like some poorly thought out bird.
137
00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:39,490
Her eyes were burned open, smoking.
138
00:10:40,350 --> 00:10:43,270
The pads of her paws blistered off.
139
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:47,120
She was dead instantly,
140
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:51,310
veterinarians and electrical
engineers would later agree.
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00:10:51,310 --> 00:10:52,140
Poor dog.
142
00:10:54,730 --> 00:10:57,720
The boy laughed and laughed
and wrote maniacally
143
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:58,850
into his puddle.
144
00:10:58,850 --> 00:11:00,270
We don't know why, trust
me that this happened,
145
00:11:00,270 --> 00:11:02,490
it happened like this.
146
00:11:02,490 --> 00:11:04,920
He went over to her, knelt down by her,
147
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:09,740
he opened the jaws and tried
to put his ear in the mouth.
148
00:11:09,740 --> 00:11:14,020
The dog had white markings above her paws.
149
00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:17,270
He patted it, ah, the clear blue skies.
150
00:11:19,710 --> 00:11:23,100
The whitish backs of the
leaves in the breeze,
151
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:27,260
the feeling of the world
renewed but still the same.
152
00:11:28,930 --> 00:11:31,890
The boy yawned, a car came by slowed past,
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00:11:31,890 --> 00:11:33,210
an everyday moment.
154
00:11:33,210 --> 00:11:36,630
The boy swallowed, he lived through this.
155
00:11:40,340 --> 00:11:41,180
Questions?
156
00:11:43,830 --> 00:11:44,810
No, I have one.
157
00:11:44,810 --> 00:11:47,140
When did your childhood end?
158
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:49,810
How badly did you get hurt when you did
159
00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:51,560
when you were this little, when you were
160
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:54,090
this wee little hurtable
thing, nothing but big eyes,
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00:11:54,090 --> 00:11:56,510
a heart, a few hundred words.
162
00:11:57,350 --> 00:12:00,770
Isn't it wonderful how we never recover?
163
00:12:00,770 --> 00:12:04,540
Injuries and wounds, ladies and gentlemen,
164
00:12:04,540 --> 00:12:07,860
slights and abuses, oh, what a paradise?
165
00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:11,050
Living in fear, suiting the
hurt to our need, I'm serious.
166
00:12:11,050 --> 00:12:14,760
What a happy life, what a good game,
167
00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:18,260
who can stand the most the
most life and still smile?
168
00:12:18,260 --> 00:12:21,650
Still grin into the coming
night saying more, more,
169
00:12:21,650 --> 00:12:24,080
encore, encore, you fuckers!
170
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:28,240
You fakes just give me more
of the bloody, bloody same.
171
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:33,720
I don't know, what do I know?
172
00:12:36,050 --> 00:12:40,220
People ask about the name
Thom Pain, I don't answer.
173
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,460
Or I'll say, "It's been
in the family a while."
174
00:12:44,460 --> 00:12:48,180
Or I'll say Child Harold for no reason,
175
00:12:48,180 --> 00:12:50,350
then one of us walks away.
176
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:55,410
Anyway, the boy lay down
behind his dog holding her.
177
00:12:56,860 --> 00:13:00,280
He closed his own eyes with his fingers.
178
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,950
The boy lay in the puddle behind
his former dog whispering,
179
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,030
"I do, I do."
180
00:13:08,190 --> 00:13:11,510
He came home later without stick or dog.
181
00:13:11,510 --> 00:13:14,670
No one noticed him, the change in him.
182
00:13:15,810 --> 00:13:20,400
The boy got some scissors
and cut his hair half off.
183
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,480
He drew a simple bone on his stomach
184
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,230
with some of his mother's lipstick.
185
00:13:24,230 --> 00:13:27,350
He tucked himself badly into bed.
186
00:13:27,350 --> 00:13:30,310
He sang a little song
without words or tune.
187
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:35,200
He lay there awake, breathing
too much, biting a crayon,
188
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,300
trying to hold everything in.
189
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:40,050
The boy smelled of dead, wet dog.
190
00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:43,820
His legs shook, and he wet his bed.
191
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,690
This all being an example of,
192
00:13:57,710 --> 00:14:00,630
I don't know, how some days can go,
193
00:14:01,490 --> 00:14:04,120
of actual life, of the close relations
194
00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,040
between man and animal.
195
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,500
Now imagine a pink elephant.
196
00:14:12,380 --> 00:14:15,140
Now stop, good, wait a minute.
197
00:14:15,140 --> 00:14:16,890
There, thank you sir.
198
00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:23,250
Now, I think would be a
good time for the raffle.
199
00:14:23,250 --> 00:14:25,450
I hope you held onto your ticket.
200
00:14:25,450 --> 00:14:27,140
On the back of which is a number.
201
00:14:27,140 --> 00:14:29,010
We have some very nice prizes.
202
00:14:29,010 --> 00:14:30,460
Okay, you ready?
203
00:14:30,460 --> 00:14:31,290
Alright.
204
00:14:35,860 --> 00:14:36,770
Here we go.
205
00:14:39,830 --> 00:14:42,050
Who has the luck with him tonight?
206
00:14:42,050 --> 00:14:45,380
This'll be fun.
207
00:14:47,250 --> 00:14:51,080
There is no raffle.
208
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,730
Who said there was gonna be a raffle?
209
00:14:55,730 --> 00:14:58,970
The good news is you didn't lose.
210
00:14:58,970 --> 00:15:01,450
You lost nothing except the
time it took to find this out,
211
00:15:01,450 --> 00:15:02,660
which is a pretty big chunk.
212
00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:06,030
Someday, some minute, you'll
have 30 seconds to live.
213
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:08,580
Think of me, my little
comic bait about the raffle,
214
00:15:08,580 --> 00:15:11,390
think of me fucking around with
your life and try to smile.
215
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:17,990
Trust me, there are people
out there who don't love you,
216
00:15:17,990 --> 00:15:21,580
who don't love you enough to
spit on your little hopes,
217
00:15:21,580 --> 00:15:25,740
so as to leave you all alone
respectfully and fully alone
218
00:15:26,650 --> 00:15:30,820
with your larger ones, your
larger hopes which are,
219
00:15:33,430 --> 00:15:37,600
what, sir, care to share
your larger hopes with us?
220
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:43,160
No, that's fine, don't
want to jinx anything,
221
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:47,070
or have nothing to jinx,
or can't feel hope,
222
00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:49,420
or don't like sharing, all
the varieties of experience.
223
00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:51,890
Feel free to feel anything;
224
00:15:51,890 --> 00:15:56,050
religious ecstasy, anarchy,
chivalry, physical things,
225
00:15:57,510 --> 00:16:01,670
nothing, blood, your neighbor,
that stranger you married.
226
00:16:02,940 --> 00:16:05,460
What possibilities we all
have here are ways and means
227
00:16:05,460 --> 00:16:06,790
to live and die.
228
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,550
Cancer, for example, or depression,
229
00:16:11,550 --> 00:16:14,030
anxiety, insecurity,
holes in your knowledge,
230
00:16:14,030 --> 00:16:16,780
spots on your lungs, total oblivion, more?
231
00:16:16,780 --> 00:16:18,830
Financial crisis, outer
space, inner peace,
232
00:16:18,830 --> 00:16:20,240
shame, lust, war.
233
00:16:22,420 --> 00:16:25,080
Me, hate, you,
234
00:16:27,630 --> 00:16:29,800
hate, words, love nothing,
235
00:16:35,030 --> 00:16:37,030
more migraine, you, God.
236
00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:52,220
The things you may be feeling.
237
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,500
The list goes on.
238
00:16:56,590 --> 00:16:58,180
Then the list ends.
239
00:17:07,990 --> 00:17:11,160
How are you?
240
00:17:12,290 --> 00:17:14,940
I'd be sick of this already.
241
00:17:14,940 --> 00:17:19,110
I'd feel restless, I'd feel
like eating or urinating,
242
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,370
or like going outside and being sick,
243
00:17:22,370 --> 00:17:26,700
lying in the grass or dirt
and holding myself her.
244
00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:30,520
Or I'd want to buy a nice flower
and stick it to some woman,
245
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:34,090
or I'd feel sorry for me if I were you,
246
00:17:34,090 --> 00:17:36,930
but again, feel whatever you like,
247
00:17:38,380 --> 00:17:42,550
as if you need me to tell
you that, it's your life.
248
00:17:43,590 --> 00:17:44,420
Yes?
249
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:50,160
What if you only had one day to live?
250
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,260
What would you do?
251
00:17:54,330 --> 00:17:57,390
That's easy, you'd be brave
and true and reckless,
252
00:17:57,390 --> 00:18:01,620
you'd love life and people
with wild and new abandon
253
00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:03,450
if you only had a day.
254
00:18:07,450 --> 00:18:11,540
What if you only had 40
years, what would you do?
255
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:17,570
If you're like me and no
offense, but you probably are,
256
00:18:17,570 --> 00:18:19,960
you wouldn't do anything.
257
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:24,270
It's sad, isn't it, this
dead horse of a life we beat
258
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:28,430
all the wilder, all the
harder, the debtor it gets.
259
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,270
On the other hand, there are
some nice shops in the area.
260
00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:38,990
I bought a candleholder and a chair today.
261
00:18:38,990 --> 00:18:41,820
I left the candleholder somewhere.
262
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,970
Now, I think would be a
good time for the raffle.
263
00:18:49,970 --> 00:18:53,140
I hope you held onto your tickets, no.
264
00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:58,590
Sorry, where was I?
265
00:19:02,420 --> 00:19:06,590
I was thinking about your
life, very distracting, okay.
266
00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:10,400
I bought a candleholder and a chair today,
267
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,230
I left the candleholder somewhere.
268
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,090
Okay, sorry, I bought it...
269
00:19:17,980 --> 00:19:18,810
Huh.
270
00:19:41,380 --> 00:19:43,360
While we're waiting,
271
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:45,690
so a horse walks into a bar.
272
00:19:47,460 --> 00:19:51,120
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
273
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:54,030
The horse says, "I'm dying of AIDS,
274
00:19:54,930 --> 00:19:58,640
"and I guess I feel a
little sorry for myself."
275
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:02,390
So the bartender says,
"My God, that's awful.
276
00:20:05,350 --> 00:20:08,850
"I'm so sorry."
277
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:21,120
I'm forgetting some part of
it but you get the point.
278
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,870
You see the hilarity.
279
00:20:23,950 --> 00:20:26,450
It's funny, because it's true.
280
00:20:35,220 --> 00:20:36,720
What a nice crowd.
281
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,740
I see no difference really,
282
00:20:42,740 --> 00:20:44,720
in a world filled with difference,
283
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,710
sickening, disheartening
difference, I see none
284
00:20:47,710 --> 00:20:49,940
between the you and the me.
285
00:20:49,940 --> 00:20:52,480
You all seem so wonderful
and I seem so wonderful
286
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,800
and so I make no distinction,
see no separation,
287
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:58,970
no unbridgeable distance
between us, wonderful us.
288
00:21:01,570 --> 00:21:03,690
Or none worth remarking
since the thought of you
289
00:21:03,690 --> 00:21:06,010
disgusts me so much.
290
00:21:06,010 --> 00:21:07,560
The thought of you doesn't
disgust me that much.
291
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:10,320
In fact, you're all so wonderful,
I'd like to take you home,
292
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,530
leave you there, then go somewhere.
293
00:21:13,820 --> 00:21:17,170
no, seriously, the truth,
I don't care either way.
294
00:21:17,170 --> 00:21:20,340
That's not true, I do care either way.
295
00:21:21,260 --> 00:21:24,110
I'm the type of person
you might not hear from
296
00:21:24,110 --> 00:21:27,760
for some time, then
one day suddenly, bang!
297
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,380
You never hear from me again.
298
00:21:34,090 --> 00:21:37,150
we're all roughly this way, yes?
299
00:21:37,150 --> 00:21:38,240
Roughly, hmm.
300
00:21:42,980 --> 00:21:43,900
Except you.
301
00:21:46,530 --> 00:21:49,200
You're different, you're lovely.
302
00:21:53,350 --> 00:21:56,590
I really love your difference.
303
00:21:56,590 --> 00:22:00,170
It's so wonderful and
lovely and different.
304
00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:08,600
Where are you from I wonder?
305
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,570
Or did wonder about two seconds
ago but now that's over,
306
00:22:11,570 --> 00:22:15,370
we're through, sorry, see you around.
307
00:22:15,370 --> 00:22:17,790
You can throw my things away.
308
00:22:18,830 --> 00:22:22,080
I would change the locks if I were you.
309
00:22:25,070 --> 00:22:25,900
Bye now.
310
00:22:34,950 --> 00:22:38,120
Reality is funny sometimes, not to me.
311
00:22:44,220 --> 00:22:46,810
Let's talk a little about love.
312
00:22:48,830 --> 00:22:50,750
I see fine, I'll begin.
313
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:53,370
Do you like magic?
314
00:22:53,370 --> 00:22:55,760
I do, it's fairly new,
this love of mine of magic.
315
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,520
I made serious inroads into a woman once
316
00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:59,150
by doing card tricks with a deck
317
00:22:59,150 --> 00:23:01,430
that had only one card left in it.
318
00:23:01,430 --> 00:23:03,280
"Pick a card," I'd say.
319
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,020
She'd lick her lips, touch herself or me.
320
00:23:06,020 --> 00:23:07,260
Maybe we'd laugh, maybe not.
321
00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:09,460
She wasn't from here,
so I had to speak to her
322
00:23:09,460 --> 00:23:12,660
in the international
language of love, English.
323
00:23:12,660 --> 00:23:15,110
But we had some laughs.
324
00:23:15,110 --> 00:23:16,270
Two, no three.
325
00:23:20,770 --> 00:23:23,060
We had an understanding,
though neither of us
326
00:23:23,060 --> 00:23:24,750
knew what it was.
327
00:23:24,750 --> 00:23:26,790
We stayed up late together one night,
328
00:23:26,790 --> 00:23:28,770
fell asleep together later.
329
00:23:28,770 --> 00:23:30,370
We were pretty compatible
for a while there,
330
00:23:30,370 --> 00:23:32,910
what with the dick and the cunt.
331
00:23:32,910 --> 00:23:35,590
Anyway, here we are
together eating, sleeping,
332
00:23:35,590 --> 00:23:37,950
holding each other.
333
00:23:37,950 --> 00:23:42,210
The jargon of romance is
almost unbearably precise.
334
00:23:42,210 --> 00:23:45,790
Going steady, seeing
each other, going out,
335
00:23:48,620 --> 00:23:52,810
it takes a serious dose
of shaking, vision loss
336
00:23:52,810 --> 00:23:55,150
and a year of staying in to understand
337
00:23:55,150 --> 00:23:59,240
the beauty of those terms,
the pain in the words.
338
00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:06,120
Anyway, this was us; a
couple, partners unapart,
339
00:24:07,360 --> 00:24:09,610
whispers like you've never heard.
340
00:24:09,610 --> 00:24:13,160
"You've changed," she
said, the night we met.
341
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:15,480
She had watchful eyes.
342
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:19,820
Sober sometimes, a natural
sort of animal guardedness,
343
00:24:19,820 --> 00:24:23,060
a doggie sort of way
I found very fetching.
344
00:24:23,060 --> 00:24:25,220
Sometimes you meet someone
who you know right away
345
00:24:25,220 --> 00:24:27,700
is made up of trillions
of different cells.
346
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:30,120
She was one of these.
347
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:34,110
a quivering thing, nice legs, pretty eyes,
348
00:24:34,110 --> 00:24:35,620
good vocabulary, the backside,
349
00:24:35,620 --> 00:24:38,370
apologies for the dirty language,
350
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:43,890
but it's all dirty language
if you look at it right.
351
00:24:46,350 --> 00:24:48,910
As for our story, if you're lost at all,
352
00:24:48,910 --> 00:24:50,670
you're not alone.
353
00:24:50,670 --> 00:24:53,230
Don't think I'm somewhere out of ahead,
354
00:24:53,230 --> 00:24:54,810
somewhere, anywhere, with a plan.
355
00:24:54,810 --> 00:24:58,010
I'm right here beside
you, or hiding behind you
356
00:24:58,010 --> 00:25:02,570
like you, in terrible pain
trying to make sense of my life.
357
00:25:02,570 --> 00:25:04,750
Just kidding, you probably are alone,
358
00:25:04,750 --> 00:25:08,790
or I don't know, where
are we exactly I wonder,
359
00:25:08,790 --> 00:25:11,130
in your estimation, in mine?
360
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,770
Earth is always an answer,
we're on planet Earth,
361
00:25:14,770 --> 00:25:16,630
a planet in the solar system,
362
00:25:16,630 --> 00:25:20,530
which is one of a trillion
solar systems in our galaxy,
363
00:25:20,530 --> 00:25:23,380
which is one of a billion
galaxies in the universe
364
00:25:23,380 --> 00:25:26,690
and you think you're pretty special.
365
00:25:26,690 --> 00:25:29,060
Math, there's a lot of zeros out there,
366
00:25:29,060 --> 00:25:30,480
what can one man do?
367
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:31,830
Nothing really, or I don't know,
368
00:25:31,830 --> 00:25:34,030
I've been taking vitamin supplements.
369
00:25:34,030 --> 00:25:35,280
A, no, yeah, A,
370
00:25:37,650 --> 00:25:38,570
B, D, Zinc.
371
00:25:41,250 --> 00:25:43,790
Actually Zinc is a
mineral, you don't care.
372
00:25:43,790 --> 00:25:45,540
C, E, B, did I say B?
373
00:25:48,090 --> 00:25:49,170
I don't care.
374
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:54,270
Do me a favor, if you have a home,
375
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,560
when you're home later
avoiding your family
376
00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:00,530
staring at the dog, and they
ask you where you've been,
377
00:26:00,530 --> 00:26:02,900
please just don't say
that you're out somewhere
378
00:26:02,900 --> 00:26:06,000
watching someone being clever,
379
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,020
watching some smart
mouth nobody work himself
380
00:26:08,020 --> 00:26:10,610
into some dumb ass frenzy.
381
00:26:10,610 --> 00:26:15,270
Please say instead, when
you don't say anything,
382
00:26:15,270 --> 00:26:19,430
'cause nobody ask you that you
saw someone who was trying.
383
00:26:22,810 --> 00:26:25,910
I choose that word with care.
384
00:26:25,910 --> 00:26:26,820
I'm trying.
385
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:32,030
A trying man, a feeling
thing in a wordy body.
386
00:26:35,470 --> 00:26:39,770
Poor Tom is a trying,
poor Tom is fucking cold.
387
00:26:39,770 --> 00:26:41,240
I imagine you people have some experience
388
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:43,820
with the Elizabethans?
389
00:26:43,820 --> 00:26:45,940
Some experience with cold.
390
00:26:45,940 --> 00:26:47,450
Anyway, the child, no the woman,
391
00:26:47,450 --> 00:26:49,180
let me linger with my woman
a little longer if I could.
392
00:26:49,180 --> 00:26:53,350
She still had her tonsils, her
appendix, her wisdom teeth,
393
00:26:54,940 --> 00:26:57,930
all the beautiful useless extra things.
394
00:26:57,930 --> 00:27:01,640
This plus the holes,
the holes in her body,
395
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:03,580
in her childhood, the missing things,
396
00:27:03,580 --> 00:27:05,940
the blind spots altogether with the pluses
397
00:27:05,940 --> 00:27:09,190
and the minuses, a very complete woman.
398
00:27:11,990 --> 00:27:14,820
I loved her so much, so beautiful.
399
00:27:19,580 --> 00:27:20,750
My God, she...
400
00:27:34,780 --> 00:27:36,030
Can I have a little light over here?
401
00:27:54,990 --> 00:27:57,820
I loved her so much, so beautiful.
402
00:27:59,410 --> 00:28:01,660
My God, she had everything.
403
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:07,800
She had fleas, which I think I gave her,
404
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,570
moles and birthmarks which
she came up with on her own,
405
00:28:10,570 --> 00:28:12,890
a healthy give-and-take.
406
00:28:12,890 --> 00:28:14,480
We were very close.
407
00:28:16,290 --> 00:28:20,380
She felt wrongly that she
could tell me anything.
408
00:28:21,550 --> 00:28:24,570
I think of her in the evenings.
409
00:28:24,570 --> 00:28:28,150
Should I hear a plangent
honking and raise mine eyes
410
00:28:28,150 --> 00:28:32,280
to descry in the darkening
sky of V of geese,
411
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,420
heading north or south.
412
00:28:34,420 --> 00:28:36,940
I take my pulse and remember those,
413
00:28:36,940 --> 00:28:41,040
again, I have to say I really
like your individuality.
414
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:44,210
All kindness and light and loyalty, or
415
00:28:46,540 --> 00:28:47,620
so I imagine.
416
00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:54,810
Maybe you could meet me later on after?
417
00:28:56,900 --> 00:28:57,800
I don't know where I'll be
418
00:28:57,800 --> 00:28:59,740
so maybe don't bother,
unless you'd like to.
419
00:28:59,740 --> 00:29:01,650
We'll get a drink.
420
00:29:01,650 --> 00:29:03,790
Who knows, depending on
how terrible your life is,
421
00:29:03,790 --> 00:29:05,230
I could be a good move for you.
422
00:29:12,450 --> 00:29:16,450
And maybe I didn't have to say all that.
423
00:29:16,450 --> 00:29:20,950
And I may have plans, so
forget I said anything,
424
00:29:20,950 --> 00:29:22,870
or imagined you at all.
425
00:29:24,620 --> 00:29:27,460
Forget I thought or felt anything.
426
00:29:38,110 --> 00:29:40,360
So, the woman of our story.
427
00:29:41,830 --> 00:29:44,900
No, let's forget about the
woman for a little while.
428
00:29:44,900 --> 00:29:46,840
If we could, let me jump
around here, thanks.
429
00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:48,110
Let's get back to the inner child,
430
00:29:48,110 --> 00:29:50,770
the crippled kid with
the electrocuted dog.
431
00:29:50,770 --> 00:29:53,890
Did I say his face was disfigured?
432
00:29:53,890 --> 00:29:56,300
Even if I hadn't, can you
picture the face of a little boy
433
00:29:56,300 --> 00:30:00,260
in your mind without
disfiguring it any way?
434
00:30:00,260 --> 00:30:03,040
Can you picture anything
without it getting jumpy
435
00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:04,540
and all strangled?
436
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:08,360
Can you picture even a simple square
437
00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:12,660
without it going sideways
and wrong and triangular?
438
00:30:12,660 --> 00:30:14,060
Yeah, like that.
439
00:30:14,060 --> 00:30:15,160
I'm not sure you can.
440
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:18,280
Well, let's forge ahead,
despite our obvious flaws.
441
00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:21,100
I'm speaking to the
obviously flawed among us,
442
00:30:21,100 --> 00:30:22,610
and as well to those of
us whose deformations
443
00:30:22,610 --> 00:30:24,030
are more private.
444
00:30:25,220 --> 00:30:28,600
Hello sir.
445
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:31,510
so, the boy becoming a man in the puddle.
446
00:30:31,510 --> 00:30:33,630
No, we're further along than that.
447
00:30:33,630 --> 00:30:36,880
It's late, he comes home, a dark house.
448
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:43,620
He walks upstairs slipperless.
449
00:30:43,620 --> 00:30:45,980
Something is amiss.
450
00:30:45,980 --> 00:30:48,060
Some real thing is amiss.
451
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:53,650
But who could put their
finger on it, in it?
452
00:30:53,650 --> 00:30:55,640
Who could see it, and state it plainly
453
00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:58,520
the trouble in the bold quiet nights
454
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:02,050
and the tidy house on Garden Street.
455
00:31:02,050 --> 00:31:05,350
Having seen the boy, the
only child make his way
456
00:31:05,350 --> 00:31:08,490
from room to room in search of anything
457
00:31:08,490 --> 00:31:10,490
to mother or sister him.
458
00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:14,770
I daresay no one,
459
00:31:17,490 --> 00:31:20,330
the personality forms in the dark.
460
00:31:21,530 --> 00:31:25,050
This is possibly a very good point,
461
00:31:25,050 --> 00:31:28,640
a worldview rises at
night without witness.
462
00:31:31,750 --> 00:31:36,650
The boys did as he grew,
changed, away from people,
463
00:31:36,650 --> 00:31:39,910
in the bathroom, in the
rain, down the halls,
464
00:31:39,910 --> 00:31:42,030
in everyday familial places.
465
00:31:42,030 --> 00:31:43,200
I daresay, no.
466
00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:47,240
I don't.
467
00:31:51,550 --> 00:31:54,470
I do know they didn't pat his head.
468
00:31:56,000 --> 00:32:00,080
They didn't mess up his
hair and say, "Good boy."
469
00:32:01,940 --> 00:32:06,100
He comes and goes untouched,
his childhood running out,
470
00:32:07,670 --> 00:32:10,920
as he becomes a foreigner, an immigrant
471
00:32:12,570 --> 00:32:15,160
to the place where he was born.
472
00:32:22,220 --> 00:32:23,750
I have that same shirt.
473
00:32:25,950 --> 00:32:30,450
Anyway, that night, the
night of the stormy day
474
00:32:30,450 --> 00:32:33,330
that was his dead dog's
last, that night he had
475
00:32:33,330 --> 00:32:36,910
with his brutal new
haircut, a wet dream or
476
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,420
nocturnal emission if you like.
477
00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:47,240
Who knows what he dreamt of?
478
00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:50,490
Some inscrutably human thing, no doubt.
479
00:32:51,530 --> 00:32:53,670
Something out of the
vocabulary and wilderness
480
00:32:53,670 --> 00:32:56,390
of a little boy at night.
481
00:32:56,390 --> 00:33:00,550
Maybe of a woman bending
over, eyes open, being nice,
482
00:33:02,130 --> 00:33:06,230
knees deep in muddy water,
a rural vulnerable thing
483
00:33:06,230 --> 00:33:10,460
opening herself to the dreamer behind her.
484
00:33:10,460 --> 00:33:13,580
Or maybe of some fuzzy
uneducated version of a girl
485
00:33:13,580 --> 00:33:15,490
saying a word he liked.
486
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:19,350
"Voucher" or "ankles".
487
00:33:22,810 --> 00:33:24,360
Or whispering one of
those funny little words
488
00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:27,440
that only relate to words like, such,
489
00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:33,790
or maybe he just felt some
felicific little twinge,
490
00:33:33,790 --> 00:33:36,160
some nice little physical
feeling in the night
491
00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:38,330
and came without language.
492
00:33:39,850 --> 00:33:44,020
His little bed, his little
sheets with airplanes on them
493
00:33:45,570 --> 00:33:48,070
covered in semen, and freshly,
494
00:33:49,390 --> 00:33:50,640
badly cut hair.
495
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:57,120
What a mysterious scene.
496
00:33:59,550 --> 00:34:01,300
Somewhere in that same
night, another youth bleeds
497
00:34:01,300 --> 00:34:04,250
between her legs, wondering whom to tell,
498
00:34:04,250 --> 00:34:06,580
wondering what to tell them.
499
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:12,670
What mystery, the onset
of the breeding years.
500
00:34:12,670 --> 00:34:16,340
Growth, the cancers are
almost all in place.
501
00:34:20,350 --> 00:34:24,000
Nature laughs last, ladies and gentlemen,
502
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:27,260
laughs hardest and best, and last
503
00:34:27,260 --> 00:34:29,510
deep into the night at you.
504
00:34:35,050 --> 00:34:36,710
But think of it all.
505
00:34:38,090 --> 00:34:41,510
What a paradise, as I have said.
506
00:34:41,510 --> 00:34:42,510
Think of it.
507
00:34:44,110 --> 00:34:46,690
What a surprise to have a body,
508
00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,780
meaning all across the
world hardly anyone sleeps.
509
00:34:50,780 --> 00:34:51,820
How could they?
510
00:34:51,820 --> 00:34:54,110
Every night spent in the
body is a fitful night,
511
00:34:54,110 --> 00:34:56,090
fighting gravity and losing,
512
00:34:56,090 --> 00:35:00,260
night after fitful night
spent fighting everything.
513
00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:07,130
But so, that morning, the messy
morning of the messy night,
514
00:35:07,130 --> 00:35:08,560
that morning on a walk through a meadow,
515
00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:11,500
the boy was attacked by bees.
516
00:35:11,500 --> 00:35:12,960
A nest had fallen on the ground
517
00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:14,330
and he had kicked it by accident.
518
00:35:14,330 --> 00:35:15,980
His eyes being shut because of the sun,
519
00:35:15,980 --> 00:35:18,740
or maybe some other reason he had.
520
00:35:18,740 --> 00:35:21,510
Is it clear that I love my little subject,
521
00:35:21,510 --> 00:35:24,040
and therefore don't pry
too hard into his reasons,
522
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:28,210
his empty head, his stupid
little agenda on earth.
523
00:35:29,750 --> 00:35:31,170
Anyway, the bees.
524
00:35:33,150 --> 00:35:36,670
They swarmed into his eyes and mouth,
525
00:35:36,670 --> 00:35:39,500
stung him on every skinny surface.
526
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:46,730
The boy did not at first make any sound.
527
00:35:46,730 --> 00:35:49,570
Poor thing did not understand.
528
00:35:49,570 --> 00:35:52,380
He thought out in that meadow
529
00:35:52,380 --> 00:35:54,750
that he had done something wrong.
530
00:35:54,750 --> 00:35:57,740
He thought that the pain
was already inside of him
531
00:35:57,740 --> 00:36:00,910
and was only coming
out then to punish him,
532
00:36:00,910 --> 00:36:03,700
that the bees that only
happened along later
533
00:36:03,700 --> 00:36:06,380
and were trying to help.
534
00:36:06,380 --> 00:36:09,710
His body was exploding in painful sores
535
00:36:09,710 --> 00:36:13,550
which the bees were
trying to salve, to sooth.
536
00:36:14,810 --> 00:36:18,940
This, according to him, he
really didn't understand things.
537
00:36:18,940 --> 00:36:22,960
It's kind of beautiful, if
you like that sort of thing,
538
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:25,610
if you like the idea of a little boy
539
00:36:25,610 --> 00:36:28,210
desperately spreading
stinging bees all over
540
00:36:28,210 --> 00:36:31,390
his bleeding body, desperately yelling,
541
00:36:31,390 --> 00:36:33,220
"Help me, bees, help."
542
00:36:35,500 --> 00:36:39,670
Sticking his little swollen
hand into the hive for more.
543
00:36:44,630 --> 00:36:47,640
We've all made similar mistakes,
544
00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:51,050
mistaking the bee for the
flower, giving our heart away
545
00:36:51,050 --> 00:36:52,410
to the first prick or bitch
546
00:36:52,410 --> 00:36:55,430
to come down the trickling river.
547
00:36:55,430 --> 00:36:59,520
Anyway, the boy crawled
enough away, almost died.
548
00:37:01,630 --> 00:37:06,020
He lay there until evening
neither crying nor laughing,
549
00:37:06,020 --> 00:37:10,180
a thing of nature in pain
among the crickets and frogs.
550
00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:24,930
So that's the bee incident.
551
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:40,970
I have an incredibly rich interior life.
552
00:38:43,590 --> 00:38:44,430
Yeah...
553
00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:55,490
You really are very forgiving,
554
00:38:55,490 --> 00:38:57,990
letting me get lost like this.
555
00:39:01,510 --> 00:39:04,260
Nobody else let's me do anything.
556
00:39:05,540 --> 00:39:08,220
Everyone else always has
little tips about my soul,
557
00:39:08,220 --> 00:39:10,470
nitpicking about my psyche.
558
00:39:12,090 --> 00:39:14,270
"Hey, what about a haircut?"
559
00:39:14,270 --> 00:39:16,610
"Must you be exactly that tall?"
560
00:39:16,610 --> 00:39:17,670
"Why don't you talk different?"
561
00:39:17,670 --> 00:39:19,110
"Why are you looking east?"
562
00:39:19,110 --> 00:39:20,010
"Brush your teeth."
563
00:39:20,010 --> 00:39:20,910
"Change."
564
00:39:20,910 --> 00:39:22,910
"I hate how you breath."
565
00:39:26,060 --> 00:39:29,890
So comparatively, you
really are a nice group.
566
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:34,600
So easy-going, watching so gently.
567
00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:39,770
Looking out at you all,
I'm struck by the almost,
568
00:39:39,770 --> 00:39:40,940
is that Sarah?
569
00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:45,660
Is it you, I can't believe it.
570
00:39:51,200 --> 00:39:52,040
Mary?
571
00:39:55,790 --> 00:39:58,290
Anyway, now I'm gonna do this.
572
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:18,620
Behold, consider, use
your head and imagine
573
00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:23,350
that this is a brain or the mind.
574
00:40:23,350 --> 00:40:26,730
There it is, in the skull
of a boy still in the womb,
575
00:40:26,730 --> 00:40:29,700
battleship gray and growing,
folding over on itself,
576
00:40:29,700 --> 00:40:32,840
turning as he kicks
his way into the world.
577
00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:35,790
Amazing, a little boy learns to crawl.
578
00:40:35,790 --> 00:40:40,590
His nerves firing, his mind
relying on his hands and knees.
579
00:40:40,590 --> 00:40:44,190
A less little boy is
introduced to a stranger,
580
00:40:44,190 --> 00:40:48,580
he is embarrassed, his brain
sending blood to his face,
581
00:40:48,580 --> 00:40:52,640
his mind telling him,
"Look down, little boy."
582
00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:54,300
Hurt inside, be shy,
583
00:40:57,770 --> 00:41:01,240
and so on and on until an
old man sits in a chair.
584
00:41:01,240 --> 00:41:03,890
The hearing gone, the eyes
gone, the body almost gone
585
00:41:03,890 --> 00:41:07,470
but the brain still going, or
the mind insisting on itself,
586
00:41:07,470 --> 00:41:09,770
making itself heard, causing trouble.
587
00:41:09,770 --> 00:41:13,140
There, the brain, the
mind in a chair in a field
588
00:41:13,140 --> 00:41:16,640
or under stars in the bright sun of Egypt,
589
00:41:17,510 --> 00:41:21,440
Beantown, Whoville, all the
while, all the while fighting,
590
00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:24,350
revising, planning its next defeat.
591
00:41:27,700 --> 00:41:30,940
Or a man stands before
you, age unimportant,
592
00:41:30,940 --> 00:41:32,980
the mouth moving, big things going badly
593
00:41:32,980 --> 00:41:36,500
but a million little things going right.
594
00:41:36,500 --> 00:41:40,180
The brain is doing its job, but the mind,
595
00:41:40,180 --> 00:41:43,010
oh, another story, it's a monster.
596
00:41:47,630 --> 00:41:52,180
They don't know, the doctors,
the distinguished authors
597
00:41:52,180 --> 00:41:55,030
but oh, the memories of there.
598
00:41:55,030 --> 00:41:58,560
Her fine hand on your shoulder
on the steps of a museum,
599
00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:01,850
a dog I play with the caterpillar.
600
00:42:01,850 --> 00:42:04,850
Insomnia, nausea, ocean waves, rain,
601
00:42:06,390 --> 00:42:09,610
the taste of mascara,
the feeling of night,
602
00:42:09,610 --> 00:42:11,610
how the world can sound.
603
00:42:12,990 --> 00:42:15,990
Such a feeling life, such sensation.
604
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:20,990
Yes, then pile the words on top.
605
00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:24,550
Watch them seep down.
606
00:42:26,740 --> 00:42:31,100
Think of it, the brain, the
mind, all that up there,
607
00:42:31,100 --> 00:42:33,010
married happily or not.
608
00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:35,280
Imagine.
609
00:42:39,690 --> 00:42:42,550
Or just think about snot.
610
00:42:42,550 --> 00:42:43,700
Imagine that this is a handkerchief
611
00:42:43,700 --> 00:42:46,620
and that I just blew my nose in it.
612
00:43:05,080 --> 00:43:06,090
To backtrack.
613
00:43:06,090 --> 00:43:08,430
You worry you, have anxiety,
the blood vessels constrict,
614
00:43:08,430 --> 00:43:11,580
the handkerchief crumples,
it's a headache, a migraine,
615
00:43:11,580 --> 00:43:14,480
a blow to the head and
now you try to live.
616
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:17,480
It all feels so useless, so unusable.
617
00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:19,920
The house that you live in, the oceans,
618
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:21,640
the mountains, the peacekeeping forces,
619
00:43:21,640 --> 00:43:24,290
restaurants and anniversaries,
factories and gardens,
620
00:43:24,290 --> 00:43:27,510
useless, fuck it all,
kill it and burn it down
621
00:43:27,510 --> 00:43:30,840
you say when you have a little headache.
622
00:43:33,290 --> 00:43:35,960
So maybe I have little headache.
623
00:43:37,520 --> 00:43:40,850
Maybe I was born with a little headache.
624
00:43:41,880 --> 00:43:46,040
Maybe that's all, just some
wrong pressure somewhere.
625
00:43:50,550 --> 00:43:53,300
I'm speaking softly for a reason,
626
00:43:54,630 --> 00:43:57,470
because I guess I hope that you...
627
00:44:01,150 --> 00:44:02,240
I don't know.
628
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:05,670
Let's go over the enormous
and informative ground
629
00:44:05,670 --> 00:44:07,420
we've covered so far.
630
00:44:08,310 --> 00:44:11,910
We were talking, I guess I was
talking, about a little girl,
631
00:44:11,910 --> 00:44:14,990
a little boy I guess it
was, who got stung by a bee
632
00:44:14,990 --> 00:44:16,910
and used to have a dog.
633
00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:20,640
Then there was a woman.
634
00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:22,450
Then I took out my handkerchief and tried
635
00:44:22,450 --> 00:44:24,040
to use my imagination on you,
636
00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:26,630
think that brings us up to now.
637
00:44:29,340 --> 00:44:33,340
Did the raffle.
638
00:44:33,340 --> 00:44:35,800
Did the joke about the horse, oh, I know.
639
00:44:35,800 --> 00:44:36,890
Another joke.
640
00:44:39,730 --> 00:44:43,140
Why is a fat girl like a tiny motorcycle?
641
00:44:48,990 --> 00:44:52,660
Well, of course she
isn't, she isn't at all.
642
00:44:54,410 --> 00:44:55,850
And you should be disgusted with yourself,
643
00:44:55,850 --> 00:44:58,500
for even for a second trying
to think of how she might be.
644
00:45:01,220 --> 00:45:03,740
I'm disgusted with myself,
645
00:45:03,740 --> 00:45:06,780
and this makes me you know, act out,
646
00:45:06,780 --> 00:45:09,690
or lash out, or lash in, depending.
647
00:45:16,380 --> 00:45:17,820
But to continue.
648
00:45:17,820 --> 00:45:19,740
The woman, my darling from earlier,
649
00:45:19,740 --> 00:45:22,720
one fine week, we awoke
to cold sores tearing
650
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,800
through our lips.
651
00:45:24,800 --> 00:45:28,160
Picture that we lay in bed,
me confused and not unhappy.
652
00:45:28,160 --> 00:45:31,060
Her thinking thoughts I
never knew, never will.
653
00:45:31,060 --> 00:45:35,630
We were so full of life each
other, love cankers all.
654
00:45:35,630 --> 00:45:39,300
A pun, thank you.
655
00:45:39,300 --> 00:45:41,340
She had beautiful eyes.
656
00:45:41,340 --> 00:45:43,780
I'm almost sure, I must've looked.
657
00:45:43,780 --> 00:45:47,570
I bet she smiled or tried to
through the cracking pain,
658
00:45:47,570 --> 00:45:49,900
the dryness I caused in her.
659
00:45:51,580 --> 00:45:53,720
It was more complicated
than this, our love,
660
00:45:53,720 --> 00:45:55,650
plus I lied about all of it.
661
00:45:55,650 --> 00:45:57,070
It was a while back, or sometime ago.
662
00:45:57,070 --> 00:46:00,400
Maybe this morning or even longer back.
663
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:04,570
Early this morning, the
poem of the wee most hours.
664
00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:09,640
The old stars twinkle over the sea,
665
00:46:09,640 --> 00:46:11,390
nobody else in sight.
666
00:46:12,970 --> 00:46:15,950
Bony stray dogs roam the streets.
667
00:46:15,950 --> 00:46:20,120
Stars and dogs circle our
house, us asleep in love,
668
00:46:21,390 --> 00:46:24,060
or wide-awake, one or the other.
669
00:46:26,940 --> 00:46:31,020
It makes you stop and
think these timeless times,
670
00:46:32,780 --> 00:46:35,280
how long does everything take?
671
00:46:36,990 --> 00:46:41,550
How long did I kiss her, that
time I lost track of time?
672
00:46:41,550 --> 00:46:45,420
My lips red with life, saying nothing,
673
00:46:45,420 --> 00:46:48,170
covering her in me, in my saliva,
674
00:46:50,060 --> 00:46:52,630
how long did our little
hero, who I'm getting sick of
675
00:46:52,630 --> 00:46:56,920
lay in the meadow drooling,
in bed, in the park,
676
00:46:56,920 --> 00:46:59,000
which we'll get to.
677
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:03,170
Long enough, I should think,
long enough to learn something.
678
00:47:11,710 --> 00:47:13,830
Back to the cold sores.
679
00:47:13,830 --> 00:47:17,050
After all my efforts at communication,
680
00:47:17,050 --> 00:47:19,720
something had passed between us.
681
00:47:20,780 --> 00:47:24,540
Would that I might provoke
in you a similar mark,
682
00:47:24,540 --> 00:47:27,870
a little growth, a blemish of real life.
683
00:47:30,900 --> 00:47:33,560
Don't think that I think I will.
684
00:47:36,110 --> 00:47:38,030
Any thoughts, feelings?
685
00:47:40,540 --> 00:47:42,990
I'm sure.
686
00:47:42,990 --> 00:47:46,750
Anyway, the woman and the
man myself, good, good times.
687
00:47:46,750 --> 00:47:48,930
Except for all of our unfixable problems,
688
00:47:48,930 --> 00:47:51,140
everything was perfect.
689
00:47:51,140 --> 00:47:53,970
Epic romance in the aisles
of all-night stores,
690
00:47:53,970 --> 00:47:57,900
on aloneness at last
the stupid clouds lift,
691
00:47:57,900 --> 00:48:00,180
kissing in the morning, pissing together
692
00:48:00,180 --> 00:48:04,290
in the roomy handicapped
bathrooms of the emptier museums,
693
00:48:04,290 --> 00:48:06,860
a million little weddings.
694
00:48:06,860 --> 00:48:08,530
My life to this point was mishaps.
695
00:48:08,530 --> 00:48:11,420
I was just accidents and
wrong roads before her
696
00:48:11,420 --> 00:48:14,230
but then the lost was found,
697
00:48:14,230 --> 00:48:17,480
happiness, perfection with an asterisk.
698
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:22,170
Yes, she found my desire a
little unruly, a little dire,
699
00:48:22,170 --> 00:48:26,340
too much of an emergency, but
in the intermingling of our,
700
00:48:29,160 --> 00:48:32,490
not intermingling exactly, I don't know.
701
00:48:37,350 --> 00:48:41,520
We've all probably had the
roughly same experience, yes.
702
00:48:46,980 --> 00:48:48,060
I don't know.
703
00:48:50,770 --> 00:48:52,810
Back to the boy then.
704
00:48:52,810 --> 00:48:56,350
The little mistake, he's grown
into an even bigger mistake,
705
00:48:56,350 --> 00:48:58,280
aching bones from all the growth spurts,
706
00:48:58,280 --> 00:49:00,940
furious, oily skin, shy to the point
707
00:49:00,940 --> 00:49:03,160
of not even really being there.
708
00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:05,280
He watched the parade of life go by,
709
00:49:05,280 --> 00:49:07,400
drew some faulty conclusions.
710
00:49:07,400 --> 00:49:08,730
He said almost nothing.
711
00:49:08,730 --> 00:49:10,280
No one ever asked him
what he was thinking,
712
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:12,810
so he never really got into the habit.
713
00:49:12,810 --> 00:49:16,980
Though it came later anyway,
I sometimes like to think.
714
00:49:18,090 --> 00:49:21,190
Though this wasn't always the case.
715
00:49:21,190 --> 00:49:24,100
I'm thinking right now, yeah, I am.
716
00:49:27,220 --> 00:49:28,920
We were the perfect height.
717
00:49:28,920 --> 00:49:30,340
Look at me think.
718
00:49:31,390 --> 00:49:33,720
We must've been so stunning.
719
00:49:34,570 --> 00:49:36,570
What luck to be me then.
720
00:49:37,440 --> 00:49:41,850
The dirty nights, the magic
days at the laundromat,
721
00:49:41,850 --> 00:49:44,850
taking our clothes off, sharing forks,
722
00:49:44,850 --> 00:49:47,020
afraid of nothing we felt.
723
00:49:49,080 --> 00:49:53,250
I disappeared in her and she
wondering where I went, left.
724
00:49:57,400 --> 00:50:01,570
It's not clear what happened
exactly, so you just tr...
725
00:50:17,420 --> 00:50:18,920
Do you like magic?
726
00:50:20,690 --> 00:50:21,860
I do, I think.
727
00:50:24,020 --> 00:50:27,440
It's fairly ambivalent this love of mine.
728
00:50:28,940 --> 00:50:31,960
Once a moth was flying around my room.
729
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:33,040
I was afraid.
730
00:50:34,170 --> 00:50:36,010
A yucky flapping moth.
731
00:50:39,970 --> 00:50:41,780
It all has some effect I'm
sure, end of rumination,
732
00:50:41,780 --> 00:50:42,680
thank you very much.
733
00:50:42,680 --> 00:50:44,500
Now I'm gonna need, not
a volunteer but a subject
734
00:50:44,500 --> 00:50:46,000
from the audience.
735
00:50:48,230 --> 00:50:51,160
Don't raise your hands shouting, "Me, me!"
736
00:50:51,160 --> 00:50:52,330
Although certainly I see your point.
737
00:50:52,330 --> 00:50:54,620
I'll choose someone, we know who you are.
738
00:50:54,620 --> 00:50:57,410
It'd be good if the personal
were wearing light clothing.
739
00:50:57,410 --> 00:50:59,480
If he or she spoke a
second language, and liked
740
00:50:59,480 --> 00:51:01,170
a little violence, that'd be great.
741
00:51:06,500 --> 00:51:07,580
So let's see.
742
00:51:09,990 --> 00:51:13,390
I apologize for this, we
all hate things like this.
743
00:51:15,350 --> 00:51:19,460
- But in order for me
to fully prove my point,
744
00:51:19,460 --> 00:51:22,880
to really ram the thing
home, I'll need a subject
745
00:51:22,880 --> 00:51:26,910
to volunteer, really one of you watchers.
746
00:51:26,910 --> 00:51:29,740
One of you lovely pounding hearts.
747
00:51:31,320 --> 00:51:32,820
Now, who, who, who
748
00:51:36,090 --> 00:51:39,200
or whom
749
00:51:39,200 --> 00:51:40,520
I sounded like an owl just then.
750
00:51:43,420 --> 00:51:48,260
Anyway, how about this
recent weather, am I right?
751
00:51:48,260 --> 00:51:50,340
What a day to be outside?
752
00:51:52,060 --> 00:51:52,890
Hi.
753
00:51:57,100 --> 00:52:01,140
I saw someone walking eight dogs today,
754
00:52:01,140 --> 00:52:05,020
also pretty, so pedigree except
for one ugly mutt, a runt,
755
00:52:05,020 --> 00:52:09,180
angry, and diseased, less
loved ergo less lovable.
756
00:52:15,690 --> 00:52:17,640
I hope you're paying attention.
757
00:52:17,640 --> 00:52:20,480
I am because my own pains
going to make someone else
758
00:52:20,480 --> 00:52:22,650
suffer without proportion.
759
00:52:25,100 --> 00:52:29,980
Because this is not my
dream of her in lazy rivers,
760
00:52:29,980 --> 00:52:31,930
because I miss her leg around my neck,
761
00:52:31,930 --> 00:52:33,930
someone is going to pay.
762
00:52:36,570 --> 00:52:40,030
I really apologize, but so, now,
763
00:52:40,030 --> 00:52:42,460
our volunteer, our
conscript, anyone will do,
764
00:52:42,460 --> 00:52:44,420
but it has to be someone.
765
00:52:44,420 --> 00:52:46,750
Who of you deserves it most?
766
00:52:48,770 --> 00:52:50,270
Who shall join me?
767
00:52:51,120 --> 00:52:52,280
You know what,
768
00:52:59,970 --> 00:53:02,880
skip it.
769
00:53:15,810 --> 00:53:17,230
Thank you though.
770
00:53:33,720 --> 00:53:35,360
Life for the little boy, now a little man,
771
00:53:35,360 --> 00:53:36,880
sped up and sped up.
772
00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:38,580
He was schooled to no effect.
773
00:53:38,580 --> 00:53:42,040
He left home, saying only,
"I'm going somewhere else now."
774
00:53:42,040 --> 00:53:45,310
His mother wept due to
an unrelated malady.
775
00:53:45,310 --> 00:53:47,670
His father who was still
alive, God rest his soul
776
00:53:47,670 --> 00:53:51,450
waved goodbye, and so
our young man to a city.
777
00:53:51,450 --> 00:53:54,350
He got jobs, you may have seen
him, something close enough.
778
00:53:54,350 --> 00:53:57,090
He's the one waving a flag that
says parking next to a sign
779
00:53:57,090 --> 00:53:58,450
that says parking.
780
00:53:58,450 --> 00:53:59,590
He is dressed as a telephone
781
00:53:59,590 --> 00:54:02,230
handing out flyers concerning telephones.
782
00:54:02,230 --> 00:54:05,010
He is picking up trash,
eating in doorways, eyes down,
783
00:54:05,010 --> 00:54:07,290
an expressionless expression.
784
00:54:07,290 --> 00:54:10,310
He is just like you, or he is you,
785
00:54:10,310 --> 00:54:13,670
or he isn't and doesn't like you.
786
00:54:13,670 --> 00:54:16,190
See the former child hated
by life about my size
787
00:54:16,190 --> 00:54:18,060
losing weight, working for shit pay.
788
00:54:18,060 --> 00:54:21,910
No real belongings
other than a dictionary.
789
00:54:21,910 --> 00:54:25,260
One night, call it a winters night,
790
00:54:25,260 --> 00:54:29,340
one night in a park walking
off the day's food poisoning,
791
00:54:29,340 --> 00:54:33,340
he came upon some vomit,
vomited then collapsed.
792
00:54:35,320 --> 00:54:38,410
He wondered as he shivered
on the frozen ground
793
00:54:38,410 --> 00:54:41,310
covered in stomach
fluids, saliva and bile,
794
00:54:41,310 --> 00:54:45,610
if there might be, you know,
more to life than this.
795
00:54:45,610 --> 00:54:49,160
Nearby, a brightly lit skating rink.
796
00:54:49,160 --> 00:54:52,400
He lay in the slush,
listening to Christmas music,
797
00:54:52,400 --> 00:54:56,510
chirping allergies to reindeer and snow.
798
00:54:56,510 --> 00:54:59,370
He got up, went over to the rink,
799
00:54:59,370 --> 00:55:01,700
leaned on the side.
800
00:55:01,700 --> 00:55:04,040
Couples glided by, families,
801
00:55:06,850 --> 00:55:10,130
call it the Christmas
spirit, call it coincidence,
802
00:55:10,130 --> 00:55:14,230
call it whatever you like, but
suddenly in the bright lights
803
00:55:14,230 --> 00:55:18,400
and beautiful music, he got
sick and collapsed again.
804
00:55:19,620 --> 00:55:23,300
The next day at the city
morgue where he was painting
805
00:55:23,300 --> 00:55:25,470
the bathrooms, he saw her.
806
00:55:27,900 --> 00:55:32,680
He felt light and sick, sad
but true, high on the fumes,
807
00:55:32,680 --> 00:55:34,270
he watched her cry.
808
00:55:35,490 --> 00:55:38,550
She was perfect in her grief.
809
00:55:38,550 --> 00:55:43,320
A born widow or orphan, a person
of serious and recent loss.
810
00:55:43,320 --> 00:55:45,990
You can probably guess the rest.
811
00:55:47,350 --> 00:55:49,840
And I can leave it at
that, but I'll tell you.
812
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:52,420
She didn't see him, never would
813
00:55:53,290 --> 00:55:54,660
and that was the end of that.
814
00:55:54,660 --> 00:55:57,880
I probably shouldn't
have even mentioned it.
815
00:55:57,880 --> 00:55:59,550
But, it was a start.
816
00:56:10,390 --> 00:56:12,560
What a nice looking crowd.
817
00:56:15,350 --> 00:56:19,070
I see we have some couples here tonight.
818
00:56:19,070 --> 00:56:21,370
On came the animals two
by two, good for you.
819
00:56:26,320 --> 00:56:27,150
Really.
820
00:56:30,110 --> 00:56:31,190
Good for you.
821
00:56:35,470 --> 00:56:37,450
Anyway, a few seasons
later, picture him sitting,
822
00:56:37,450 --> 00:56:40,560
nowhere really, a nice
day in terms of weather
823
00:56:40,560 --> 00:56:42,470
reading his dictionary like a novel,
824
00:56:42,470 --> 00:56:45,280
scanning ahead to see
if the story picks up.
825
00:56:45,280 --> 00:56:47,740
Remember, the man is the boy from earlier.
826
00:56:47,740 --> 00:56:50,730
He is really not outfitted for this life,
827
00:56:50,730 --> 00:56:53,900
not properly clothed, not enough skin.
828
00:56:56,760 --> 00:56:58,940
He reads on, absently picking at a scab
829
00:56:58,940 --> 00:57:02,250
on the side of his head,
staring at the word veneer.
830
00:57:02,250 --> 00:57:06,420
Suddenly, like a beautiful
dog at the wrong door or no,
831
00:57:09,740 --> 00:57:13,160
gentle snow in the morning, she appeared.
832
00:57:16,170 --> 00:57:17,170
She appears.
833
00:57:40,360 --> 00:57:43,040
Sometimes you look off somewhere.
834
00:57:43,040 --> 00:57:45,310
There is something that you want to see.
835
00:57:45,310 --> 00:57:49,200
You expect this almost
operatic moment to happen
836
00:57:49,200 --> 00:57:50,280
in your life.
837
00:57:51,910 --> 00:57:54,500
You expect something to appear.
838
00:57:57,130 --> 00:58:00,450
And all that's there is
what was there before,
839
00:58:00,450 --> 00:58:01,860
and you, looking,
840
00:58:07,030 --> 00:58:08,610
and what do you do?
841
00:58:14,120 --> 00:58:18,040
Maybe there was a raffle,
and maybe we all won.
842
00:58:22,850 --> 00:58:24,680
Or all lost, together.
843
00:58:31,150 --> 00:58:35,070
Speaking softly again
because I wanna be heard.
844
00:58:36,510 --> 00:58:39,250
Because I want to be gentle.
845
00:58:39,250 --> 00:58:41,750
To be, to my own self, untrue.
846
00:58:46,500 --> 00:58:47,420
I continue.
847
00:58:48,620 --> 00:58:51,650
Here she comes, the one everyone
would agree was the one.
848
00:58:51,650 --> 00:58:54,820
Not the widow, not a widow, but close.
849
00:58:56,170 --> 00:58:59,390
A modesty, an understanding,
a pain, a complication,
850
00:58:59,390 --> 00:59:00,560
a human being.
851
00:59:01,870 --> 00:59:05,530
Imagine a gazelle, a zebra, a giraffe.
852
00:59:05,530 --> 00:59:09,650
Now, don't imagine any more
animals and picture a woman.
853
00:59:09,650 --> 00:59:11,820
God, if you could see her.
854
00:59:13,650 --> 00:59:17,700
Imagine he is not afraid,
imagine he has feelings,
855
00:59:17,700 --> 00:59:21,800
imagine he reaches in his
pocket, "Pick a card," he says.
856
00:59:21,800 --> 00:59:26,050
"There is only one," she
says demurely, womanlily.
857
00:59:26,050 --> 00:59:28,340
"Yeah," he says, in customary brevity
858
00:59:28,340 --> 00:59:30,410
but surprising coherence.
859
00:59:30,410 --> 00:59:32,310
Anyone could see.
860
00:59:32,310 --> 00:59:35,110
Off they went, to laundromats
and chapels and bathrooms,
861
00:59:35,110 --> 00:59:37,120
places that you've heard
of, been to yourself,
862
00:59:37,120 --> 00:59:41,700
the steps of museums, hand
in hand in hand in hand.
863
00:59:41,700 --> 00:59:45,760
She would write him letters,
one of which he would save.
864
00:59:45,760 --> 00:59:48,590
Love, period, full-stop, probably.
865
00:59:53,210 --> 00:59:55,240
Unless you're very happy
or have a good imagination,
866
00:59:55,240 --> 00:59:57,890
you can't imagine how happy they were.
867
00:59:57,890 --> 01:00:01,470
They were close, not
fully there but close.
868
01:00:03,220 --> 01:00:06,010
We hear the word love
a lot, throw it around,
869
01:00:06,010 --> 01:00:10,020
less and less maybe, but
still a lot, the word love.
870
01:00:10,020 --> 01:00:12,900
We mean all sorts of things.
871
01:00:12,900 --> 01:00:14,570
I don't know really.
872
01:00:20,330 --> 01:00:21,750
On this freezing,
873
01:00:26,180 --> 01:00:27,850
how anybody could...
874
01:00:31,740 --> 01:00:33,830
We were probably, dammit!
875
01:00:42,260 --> 01:00:45,170
He could not see the story through.
876
01:00:47,420 --> 01:00:50,350
He did not love too much nor too well
877
01:00:50,350 --> 01:00:53,600
but with too much sweat, shit and fear.
878
01:00:56,150 --> 01:01:00,070
Too many long words, too
many commas, it seems,
879
01:01:08,550 --> 01:01:12,630
may every animal find its
animal, find some food,
880
01:01:14,530 --> 01:01:18,690
its fellow animal, a warm rock
and somewhere dark to sleep.
881
01:01:29,880 --> 01:01:33,550
Where are we supposed
to learn about things?
882
01:01:35,120 --> 01:01:39,650
What happens, when the little
spurt and the little time
883
01:01:39,650 --> 01:01:41,570
we are, I guess, given?
884
01:01:58,220 --> 01:02:00,220
Maybe this will explain.
885
01:02:24,820 --> 01:02:26,030
Nope.
886
01:02:44,660 --> 01:02:47,330
I just got this from back there.
887
01:02:48,580 --> 01:02:50,810
I don't like magic, I'm no
good at it and I don't like it
888
01:02:50,810 --> 01:02:53,320
but I do do a little disappearing act.
889
01:02:53,320 --> 01:02:56,330
Now I'm gonna need another volunteer.
890
01:02:56,330 --> 01:02:59,260
Seriously, no kidding around this time.
891
01:02:59,260 --> 01:03:00,860
Thank you, may I?
892
01:03:00,860 --> 01:03:03,110
Sir, you'll do fine.
893
01:03:03,110 --> 01:03:04,710
Thank you, may I?
894
01:03:04,710 --> 01:03:06,460
Thank you, thank you.
895
01:03:17,020 --> 01:03:19,770
The disappearing act, here we go.
896
01:03:22,620 --> 01:03:23,960
Close your eyes.
897
01:03:28,870 --> 01:03:32,570
You're gonna have to
completely trust that I'm...
898
01:03:32,570 --> 01:03:35,640
You know, she came back to me, sort of.
899
01:03:35,640 --> 01:03:36,680
I had the worst dream the other night.
900
01:03:39,540 --> 01:03:42,560
I'll spare you the details
and the main parts,
901
01:03:42,560 --> 01:03:46,360
but when I woke up I went out for a walk.
902
01:03:46,360 --> 01:03:50,220
I liked the weather, it was
nice out, cold, sort of raining.
903
01:03:50,220 --> 01:03:52,300
I thought about the world.
904
01:03:52,300 --> 01:03:55,490
I like looking in the dark windows.
905
01:03:55,490 --> 01:03:58,550
I just let everything come.
906
01:03:58,550 --> 01:04:02,010
Stopped thinking, let the words run.
907
01:04:02,010 --> 01:04:06,170
They came, went, disappeared
like the things they stood for.
908
01:04:10,270 --> 01:04:11,850
I miss her so much.
909
01:04:13,810 --> 01:04:16,400
I do, I do, help me bees, help.
910
01:04:19,070 --> 01:04:21,490
I'm going somewhere else now.
911
01:04:24,440 --> 01:04:26,610
My face was so swollen.
912
01:04:26,610 --> 01:04:31,180
I lay in the meadow behind
her, I felt spasms, our last.
913
01:04:31,180 --> 01:04:33,820
I like violins, white
markings above the paw.
914
01:04:33,820 --> 01:04:38,560
I lay there, I lay
everywhere always looking up.
915
01:04:38,560 --> 01:04:40,880
I should have tried more.
916
01:04:40,880 --> 01:04:43,880
Her pretty ankles, dresses she wore.
917
01:04:44,880 --> 01:04:47,080
She stopped to scratch.
918
01:04:47,080 --> 01:04:48,670
She quivered, you only have a day,
919
01:04:48,670 --> 01:04:50,330
I couldn't make the matches work.
920
01:04:50,330 --> 01:04:52,960
I scratched behind her
year, I kissed her lips,
921
01:04:52,960 --> 01:04:55,500
her neck, the nest was full of bees.
922
01:04:55,500 --> 01:04:56,830
She said I love you.
923
01:04:56,830 --> 01:04:59,320
I heard buzzing, my eyes were
closed, the sun being bright.
924
01:04:59,320 --> 01:05:02,700
I said I love you, and
I didn't want to see.
925
01:05:02,700 --> 01:05:05,580
I walked around, I left home,
Christmas carols played.
926
01:05:05,580 --> 01:05:06,510
I could smell my insides.
927
01:05:06,510 --> 01:05:10,420
I lay there, weeping
mother, waving father.
928
01:05:10,420 --> 01:05:14,320
I sniffed butterflies, I kissed on things.
929
01:05:14,320 --> 01:05:16,540
My poor face, I ate scraps.
930
01:05:16,540 --> 01:05:18,110
I wanted to be a cowboy.
931
01:05:18,110 --> 01:05:19,910
I had food poisoning, he said to me,
932
01:05:19,910 --> 01:05:22,070
"Sarah, Mary?" I didn't say anything,
933
01:05:22,070 --> 01:05:24,450
I thought I'd get dragged up on stage.
934
01:05:24,450 --> 01:05:26,320
I take things out on others.
935
01:05:26,320 --> 01:05:30,230
Who am I now, and what
difference does it make?
936
01:05:32,180 --> 01:05:33,770
I took her on walks.
937
01:05:33,770 --> 01:05:36,760
We ran through nature, we barked at cars.
938
01:05:36,760 --> 01:05:39,170
He put his mouth on me and I lady,
939
01:05:39,170 --> 01:05:41,160
put my leg around his neck.
940
01:05:41,160 --> 01:05:43,080
I cut my hair half off.
941
01:05:44,550 --> 01:05:46,550
He hurt me, she hurt me.
942
01:05:47,700 --> 01:05:49,630
I bled in the night.
943
01:05:49,630 --> 01:05:50,540
I hurt her.
944
01:05:51,730 --> 01:05:55,230
There wasn't anywhere, then I was in love.
945
01:06:02,570 --> 01:06:03,650
Now I'm here.
946
01:06:20,100 --> 01:06:22,270
You're being very patient.
947
01:06:30,060 --> 01:06:33,680
We could have had something together.
948
01:06:33,680 --> 01:06:36,090
Wouldn't that have been nice?
949
01:06:37,460 --> 01:06:40,040
Off go the animals, two by two.
950
01:06:42,690 --> 01:06:45,110
Love, I was lucky in it once.
951
01:06:49,500 --> 01:06:52,670
Wrote a note saying, thank you kindly,
952
01:06:55,760 --> 01:06:59,350
leaving now, the key
is under the door mat.
953
01:07:00,320 --> 01:07:03,320
I had my reasons, none of them good.
954
01:07:04,360 --> 01:07:06,640
Wanted to leave before I was left.
955
01:07:06,640 --> 01:07:08,550
She wanted it that way,
956
01:07:10,000 --> 01:07:11,750
or would soon enough.
957
01:07:15,450 --> 01:07:16,290
Maybe.
958
01:07:18,980 --> 01:07:22,900
I never understood things,
I was too confusing.
959
01:07:26,510 --> 01:07:28,590
I did everything in fear.
960
01:07:30,180 --> 01:07:32,180
What was I so afraid of?
961
01:07:33,630 --> 01:07:34,800
I had promise.
962
01:07:39,410 --> 01:07:41,910
I don't have anything anymore.
963
01:08:16,580 --> 01:08:18,220
I thought you would have left by now.
964
01:08:25,460 --> 01:08:26,870
What do you want?
965
01:08:29,310 --> 01:08:32,470
Not to disappear, I'm sure, then what?
966
01:08:35,900 --> 01:08:38,850
Shall I love you slowly and be true?
967
01:08:38,850 --> 01:08:43,790
Shall I stroke your cheek
gently, almost not at all
968
01:08:43,790 --> 01:08:46,070
and bring you a glass of, boo!
969
01:08:55,890 --> 01:08:56,730
Sorry.
970
01:08:59,980 --> 01:09:02,400
Here, have my glass of water.
971
01:09:04,280 --> 01:09:06,300
Your throat must be getting
dry from all the things
972
01:09:06,300 --> 01:09:07,720
you'll never say.
973
01:09:11,790 --> 01:09:13,540
And then there's you.
974
01:09:14,900 --> 01:09:16,490
Don't say anything,
975
01:09:18,340 --> 01:09:20,770
don't think anything,
976
01:09:20,770 --> 01:09:22,190
just be yourself.
977
01:09:26,660 --> 01:09:30,540
Keep in mind how little time there is,
978
01:09:30,540 --> 01:09:34,710
how little time there always
was and try to be brave.
979
01:09:37,580 --> 01:09:40,830
Try to be someone else, someone better.
980
01:09:47,210 --> 01:09:48,040
Fff!
981
01:09:52,540 --> 01:09:53,370
Fff!
982
01:09:55,060 --> 01:09:58,140
Ear, a word without definition, fear.
983
01:10:00,330 --> 01:10:04,500
Nothing to be afraid of,
kind of beautiful, right?
984
01:10:06,220 --> 01:10:10,450
And so the little boy somewhat hilariously
985
01:10:10,450 --> 01:10:12,120
was never able, boo!
986
01:10:18,750 --> 01:10:19,750
Sorry again.
987
01:10:23,090 --> 01:10:24,500
Why do I do that?
988
01:10:26,310 --> 01:10:27,140
Enough.
989
01:10:30,590 --> 01:10:31,680
I have to go.
990
01:10:32,950 --> 01:10:34,200
You have to go.
991
01:10:36,010 --> 01:10:38,100
Maybe someone is waiting.
992
01:10:39,770 --> 01:10:42,020
Please, be someone waiting.
993
01:10:48,070 --> 01:10:50,440
I'm done with this.
994
01:10:50,440 --> 01:10:54,110
Important things will
happen now, I promise.
995
01:11:01,150 --> 01:11:01,980
Be stable.
996
01:11:04,910 --> 01:11:05,750
Be stable.
997
01:11:09,260 --> 01:11:10,100
Be stable.
998
01:11:14,200 --> 01:11:15,030
Be stable.
999
01:11:36,750 --> 01:11:40,580
I know this wasn't much
but, let it be enough.
1000
01:11:43,760 --> 01:11:44,590
Do.
1001
01:11:48,000 --> 01:11:48,840
Boo.
1002
01:11:54,700 --> 01:11:56,950
Isn't it great to be alive?
76323
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