All language subtitles for The Trip To Spain (2017)_track3_eng

♪ A foggy day

♪ In London town

♪ Had me low

♪ And had me down

♪ I viewed the morning

♪ Mm, with alarm

♪ The British Museum

♪ Had lost its charm

♪ How long I wondered

♪ Could this thing last

♪ But the age of miracles

♪ Mm, hadn't passed

♪ Yes, for suddenly

♪ Ooh, baby, I saw you there

♪ Through the foggy London town

♪ The sun was shinin'

♪ Everywhere

(phone ringing)

- Hello, Rob, Steve.
- Who is this?

- Steve Coogan.

- Hey, how are you?

- [Steve] Good, good, how are you?

- Yeah, good.

Where are you?

- I'm in London, just got
back from filming in New York.

A play a chef, it's called Medium Rare.

Produced by Martin Scorsese.

Have you met him?

- No, I've not.

- He's great, he's great.

Anyway, they want me to do publicity

for the launch of the series,

to do a series of restaurant reviews.

This time, A Trip to Spain,
for the New York Times.

- I know, the Observer asked me.

- All right, so you know about it.

Okay, well, so it's a New
York Times-Observer thing.

You know, it's a paid job.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- So, yeah, I'm asking you

if you'll come with me.

(baby wailing)

- Yes, I will come.

- Good, great, well, my
people will be in touch,

with, uh, oh, you.

(horn honks)

- Yeah, well, you know,
Rob's not gonna be here.

Rob, Steve's here.

- [Rob] 'Kay.

- No, 'cause he's got a ferry to catch.

Where are you?

(scoffs) Okay.

We'll see you when you get here than.

Okay?

Yeah, bye-bye, all right.

- Is that all good?

- No, that was the builder.

He's running late.

Right, have you remembered
your passport, your wallet,

your phone,
- My passport, my wallet,

my phone.
- the book you're reading.

- I've got everything I need to go out

into the darkness.

Right, come on, Daddy's
going, follow me out.

- Dad, you forgot your hat.

- All right, bring it down.
- Oh, well done.

You can give it to him now.

Got it?
- Bring it to me.

- [Sally] Let's say goodbye.

- Ah.
- Buenos Dias.

- Mm, how you doin'?

- Good, you know Sally?

- Yes, sir, hello, Sally.

How are you?
- Hi, Steve, yeah, good.

How are you?
- Nice to see you.

- Nice to see you, this is Charlie.

- Oh, hello, Charlie.

I don't think I know this one.

- No, and this, you
remember Chloe, don't you?

- Yes, of course, dear.

Hello, Chloe, how are you?

You were a little baby last time I saw you

and you've gone woosh like that.

- [Rob] That's what happens.

- [Steve] Yeah, that's right.

- Brought along a lot
of stuff, didn't you?

- Ah, well, some of this is Joe's.

You know, my, uh, my son?

- [Rob] I remember him.

- He's comin' in at the end of the trip.

- (roars) Gimme a kiss.

(blows a raspberry)
Oh, who did that noise?

- You did.

- I think you did that
noise, didn't you love?

(blows a raspberry and roars)

Charlie Farley, oy.

- [Sally] Kiss for Dad.

- Hello (blows raspberry).

Thank you very much.

- Bye-bye, darling.

- Bye, darling.

- Muah.
- I love you.

Have fun.

Enjoy yourselves.
- Look after them.

You'll take care of Mommy, okay?

- [Chloe] Yes, I will.

- [Sally] You will,
won't you, Charlie, yeah.

Have a good trip, and,
uh, you look after him.

- Yes, I will try and bring
him back in one piece.

- Yeah, please do.
- All right, then.

- Have a good journey.
- Adios, amigos.

Adios, amigos.

- Hasta manana.

- Manchego cheese, he said goodbye!

- Love you, bye!
- Bye.

Bye!

- [Rob] Are we gonna get this ferry?

- [Steve] Um, well, I'd say probably yes.

It's a little bit of
jeopardy I think kind of--

- [Rob] Oh, here we go, here we go.

- Adds a little bit of--
- Living your life

on the edge by getting to
a ferry a little bit late.

- I have two cabins for you.

- [Steve] Mm-hmm.

- One Commodore cabin
and one De Luxe cabin.

- [Steve] Okay, which is the best.

- Zee Commodore cabin is Zee best.

- Oh, great.
- Mr. Coogan should have that.

- Oh, Rob.
- Commodore Coogan.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

- [Rob] Is this the Commodore?

- No, zat's Zee De Luxe cabin.

- All right.

See you later, Commodore.
- Okay.

- And there's your key.
- Thank you, Merci.

- See you later.
- Nice.

- Then I'll show you yours.

- Okay.

What did you say your name was?

- Oo-ho-HAR.

- [Steve] Oh-ho-HAR.

- Oo-ho-HAR.

- Oh-ho-HAR.

- No, Oo-ho-HAR.

- Oh-ho-HAR.
- Yes.

(laughs)
- Is that near enough?

- Yes.

- You're right about
this being a better way.

This is more romantic.

This is more like a journey.

- It is.

And you know what the most famous boat

that left here was, the most
famous ship, I should say?

- [Rob] Ah, the Mayflower?

- Yes, the Mayflower.

- Pilgrim fathers?

- Yeah.

- Pilgrim fathers for justice,

they tied themselves to that crane,

demanded more breadfruit
for their children.

- [Steve] Where were they headed.

- [Rob] They were headed to America.

- [Steve] Yeah, what part of America?

- The coast.

Santander much the
largest city in Cantabria

with a population approaching 200,000.

We filmed much of Moonraker here.

(breathing heavily)

(groaning and vomit splashing in toilet)

- [Rob] Morning.

- Buenos Dias.

- Buenos Dias, mi amigo.

- [Steve] Buenos Dias, mi amigo.

- [Rob] This is stunning.

- This the way to approach a new country.

- Did you sleep well?

- Yeah, like a, like a baby, yeah.

- It's lovely, isn't it?

- Yeah, well, it's the
gentle rocking motion.

I think you either have
sea legs or you don't.

- Santander, the largest city
in Cantabria by some margin,

population 200,000.

An elegant, stylish resort

with excellent transportation connections.

- Reading Lonely Planet?

- Just stuff I've picked up.
- Rough Guide?

- Stuff I've picked up over the years.

I'm a sponge.

(sizzling)

- Yeah, um.
- Ah.

- I'm Charles.

Prawns with sea salmon.
- Gracias.

- Nice fresh.
- Thank you.

(speaking foreign language)

- Muchas Gracias.

- (speaking foreign language)
Like mama used to make.

- Ah, (speaking foreign language).

- Bueno, (speaking foreign language).

- Thank you, Gracias.

What did you say to him?

- I said it's charming, charming
that his mother made it.

You know, up at Leo's.

- What's happening in New York?

- I've been seeing a lot of Mischa.

You remember Mischa?

- The girl you were seeing
when we were in Italy?

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

- You're SEEIN' her again?

Didn't she get, she got--
- I, I'm in love with her.

- [Rob] Thought she got married.

- She is married.

- Oh.

- Um, I know, it's not right,

because it's not ideal.
- Carry on, take your time.

Give me details.

- It's not ideal, but we
just bumped into each other

and, uh, and you know, we just,

you could tell it was just there.

I smiled, I gave her one
of my smiles, and, uh--

- Well, I mean, you don't
have to say any more.

One of those smiles.

- Then like an anchovy, she
just wiggled into my net again.

- Is it exciting?

- It is exciting, but it's
not like the first time.

It's not like I don't know her.

It's like we've rekindled what
we had before and it's so--

- It's still exciting.

- [Steve] Oh, yeah, it is.

- Us, you lose excitement
when you're married.

I'll tell you that.

- Yeah, well, you can't have everything.

The thing is you can't have everything.

- You can't have everything.
- You can't have everything.

- That's my mantra, you
can't have everything.

- Yeah.
- When people complain

no, yeah, make a choice.

- Very, I, I couldn't agree
more, couldn't agree more.

- I have a young family.

For a man of my age, my kids are young.

- Yeah, how old's your wife?

- 43.

- Mm-hmm.

You just got those kids in,
just squeezed 'em in quick then?

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm not going the full Mick
Jagger and having them at,

he's having another one at 72.

- Ah, that's tough then.

- Ever met him?

- I have.

- I was at a party.

I was leaving, and I
heard from the balcony,

"Rob, Rob."

- Rob, hey, uh, Rob, Rob.

- Only, well, he didn't do the full,

and I looked up, and he went,

"Don't throw those bloody spears at me."

I said, what?

He goes, "Don't throw
those bloody spears at me."

- Yeah, uh, no, no.

- He was doing Michael Caine.

- I know, I know, but what you find

is that he speaks like, sometimes he,

so it's sorta like that
it's actually quite posh.

And sometimes he's quite,
such that you can say

that he's quite actually
sort of public school thing

going on, you know, and then
he goes sorta deep like that.

But, um, but uh, and uh.

You know, you got that whole
sort of, um, the peacock thing.

(metal clanks on floor)

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

- He went, "Don't throw
those bloody spears at me."

And I went, oh, you're Michael Caine.

So I looked up at him and I said,

I've told you before, if
you're not gonna sing,

I don't wanna bloody know, now
get back in the other room.

And he want ah-ah-ah-ah, and
off he went, he loved it.

But had I had
- How'd it, uh...

- close conversation with
him, I would have said,

what are you doing having a child at 72?

- No, you know what, I
mean, it's not ideal,

but Charlie Chaplin was
knockin' 'em out in his 80s,

and that's not ideal either,

but we're positively
footloose and care-free.

We're like teenagers
compared to those guys.

- Yeah, yeah.

- We should enjoy this moment.

We're at the sweet spot in our lives.

- Mm-mm-mm-mm.

- We really are.

We're like ripe, you know.

I am in my prime.

That was Miss Jean,

I should play Miss Jean Brodie.

There's a lot of gender-swapping going on

now in big roles.

I could play Miss Jean Brodie.

(speaking foreign language)

- Hey.

(speaking foreign language)

- Oh.

(speaking foreign language)

- Thank you.
- Muchas Gracias.

(speaking foreign language)

- You writing anything at the moment.

- Of course I am, yeah.

What I'm trying to do with
this odyssey through Spain

is do what Laurie Lee did.

See you don't know this about me.

About 30 years ago, when I was 18,

I came to Spain, backpacking,

after A-levels, before
I want to university,

and I met a woman called Sofia who was 37.

She basically showed me the ropes.

I lost my virginity to her.

- How many years ago?

- Well, it's 32 years ago.

- So she's now 70?

- Yeah, yeah, she's 70, yeah.

- Should we look her up?

- No, I saw, I met her.

She's massive.

Saw her on a Vespa.
- Successful?

No, no, I mean fat.

- I think, the two of you
should give it another go.

- Yeah, but you're just being
- Why don't you just take her

- facetious, come on.
- some Turkish delight.

- I think that's the last
thing she wants the most.

It's the one thing I do know about her.

Anyway, I want to write a
book about Spain and me.

- Is that why you bought
the Laurie Lee book?

- Yeah, well, he wrote
this when he was early 50s,

but it's about when he was 18,

so it's almost exactly the same as me.

- Cervantes wrote Don
Quixote when he was 50.

50's in many ways, I think--

- [Steve] No, we're at the
sweet spot in our life.

- The best age, it's the sweet spot.

You've still got, touch wood, time.

- We're ripe, we're ripe fruit.

If you hang onto the branch any longer,

you're just gonna wither on the vine,

and I won't do that.
- So what do you do then?

- Drop.

- Or do you wanna be plucked?

- You wanna be plucked, actually.

- I'd like much rather to
be plucked than dropped.

- Oh, I just caught myself.
Who's gonna want you

at this age?

- You'd be surprised.

After Philomena, this opened
a whole new sort of chapter

for me in terms of like
the way my career has gone.

All the, uh--

- Co-wrote that, didn't you?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, I always co-write.

(stammering) Really I'm kinda
like, I'm the one who talks

and has all the ideas,
and the other person's

kinda like a, sort of, typist.

- Would they view it that way?

- Oh, no, I would never say
that to them personally.

But I mean, but privately.

- These reviews I write myself of course.

- That's great.

I mean, how are you gonna do it?

- We're in Spain.

I'm gonna do it like Sancho
Panza and Don Quixote.

Two middle-aged men, who
were looking for adventure.

- That's not about--

- Don Quixote, idealist, dreamer,

head in the clouds, yes.
- Yeah.

- And his solid, dependable friend.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(speaking foreign language)

- So what are you co-writing?

- It's called Missing.

It's about a man looking for his daughter.

- This'll be the follow-up to your film

about a woman looking for her son.

- Yeah, well, exactly, it's
the sister piece to that.

And if I do another one,
then it'll be a trilogy.

But, anyway, yeah, it's
about the two of them--

- He should be looking for something else?

You know to avoid the comparisons.

Maybe man looking for his car.

- The thing is you can do
man whose lost his car.

European filmmakers use huge, overbearing,

use thematic metaphors all the time,

so it could be a guy looking for his car,

but actually he doesn't realize.

He thinks he's looking for his car,

but actually he's looking for something

much bigger than that.

- A van.

- Yeah, but the van of life.

The van of life.

- Well?

Can we put this up?
- Can we close it?

- [Man] Come inside, come inside.

- [Rob] Are we going?

Really?

Thank you.

Have you ever seen rain like this?

- Oh, yeah, I was in on a,

I got stuck in a landslide overnight

on the west side of Thirlmere.

Stuck in a landslide,
had to stay overnight

in the car for 18 hours.
- Hmm, hmm.

- I found out later I was in
the wettest spot in the country

ever recorded in history.
- You've told me this before.

Told me this before.

- [Steve] Um, you, you
asked, and that was--

- [Rob] No, I asked you have you ever seen

anything like this?

- [Steve] Obviously, if you
ask a question like that,

you also want some details.

- [Rob] If it's a story
that you've told before,

you say, yes, do you remember
that time in a landslide,

and I say, oh, I remember.

(Steve sighs heavily)

♪ Like a circle in a spiral

♪ Like a wheel within a wheel

♪ Never ending or beginning

♪ On an ever-spinning reel

♪ Like a snowball down a mountain

♪ Or a carnival balloon

♪ Like a carousel that's turning

♪ Running rings around the moon

♪ Like a clock whose hands are sweeping

♪ Past the minutes of its face

♪ And the Earth is like an apple

♪ Whirling silently in space

♪ Like the circles that you find

♪ In the windmills of your mind

- You know who sang that?

- Uh, lots of people.

Dusty Springfield?

- Noel Harrison was the famous one.

Son of...

- [Steve] George?

- [Rob] No, Rex Harrison.

- [Steve] Really?

- [Rob] Yes, who sang, The Rain In Spain.

♪ The rain in Spain
- See, see, so we're gettin'

circles within circles.
- Yeah.

(slow piano music)

- [Rob] Looks like we
sailed into Switzerland.

(thunder rumbles)

- [Jonathan] Hello.

- Hello, hello, uh, who's that.

- It's Jonathan, Matt's assistant.

- This is Steve Coogan for Matt, please.

- [Jonathan] Oh, hey,
Steve, hey, yeah, um, look,

I was just gonna call you, actually,

to let you know that
Matt has left the agency.

- Uh, what?

- Yeah, he's gone to a management company.

Look it all happened very quickly,

and Lindeman wanted to check
it out before it was announced.

It's gonna be in the trades today,

so I will be taking over
all of Matt's clients

who stay at the agency.

Okay?

And, Steve, I just, I want to let you know

how excited I am about working

with you and representing you.

(breathing heavily)

(speaking foreign language)

- (speaking foreign
language) that's the seat.

Okay, you are in holiday?

- No, no, (speaking foreign
language) I'm a writer.

- Yeah, you're a writer?

(speaking foreign language)

- And I had a movie at the Oscars.

You know the Academy Awards?

Yeah, one of my movies was, uh--

- Okay.

- So that was Muy Bien.

- That's fine.

(audience applauding)

- [Announcer] And the winner is

Steve McQueen.
- Oh, my god, I won it.

I've won it!
- Sit down.

Sit down, Steve.

- [Steve] What, why?

I'm Steve Coogan.

- [Woman] Steve McQueen.

- Oh, my god, oh, sorry.

Sorry.

(sighs)

(birds chirping)

Hey, Greg, it's Steve.

- [Greg] Hi, Steve, how are you?

- Good, good.

- Good, good, you're out in
New, you're still in New York,

I hear very good things about the series.

- No, I'm in Spain with Rob.

- [Greg] That's okay.

- Look, Greg, did you know that
Matt had left the US agency?

- Yes, yes, I did, um,
yes I did know that.

I was going to call you actually.

- Did you know about this before I did?

- [Greg] No, no, not at all, no.

- Right, and do you know
that his assistant, Jonathan,

is taking over his client list?

- Yes, yeah, you see, Jonathan,
I think, is very good.

I think he's very bright, so, you know.

- Uh, what's happening
with Matt's other clients?

- Uh, well, I know that, uh,
Ricky's, Ricky's gone with him.

And, um, Will Ferrell.

- Did he ask Ricky to go with him?

- [Greg] Yes, yeah, he did.

- He didn't ask me.

- Yeah, well, you see, I think, I think

you're seen more as a
writer, Steve, I mean,

so you wouldn't need a manager
as well as an agent, so...

- So which clients are staying
with the new assistant?

- Uh, Kevin Klein, I can't really

see him going anywhere else.

Um...

- (sighs) Look, uh, Greg,
will you do me a favor please?

Can you find out why
the script for Missing

hasn't been green-lit yet?

- That hasn't happened?

I mean that absolutely,
I know, I know, well,

that should have happened.

I'll get onto that, I'll
get onto that straightaway.

But, yeah...

- Thank you.

- So you're out in Spain with Rob Brydon?

- (sighs) Yes, I'm with Rob Brydon.

- That must be fun.

- Yes, it's a lot of fun,
thank you very much, goodbye.

- Okay, bye.

- Victor Arguinzoniz uses
a cooking method so basic

even cavemen would recognize it.

And yet has become a point of pilgrimage

for food nerds from around the world.

Perhaps you regard yourself as
something of a barbecue king.

Compared to Victor you are a lightweight.

Little better than the caveman,

who first cracked the flints
together to get a spark

because he found raw mammoth
a bit tough on the teeth.

So it's essentially a barbecue.

Oh.

- [Server] The fresh cheese.

- Thank you.

- And the gold butter.

- Ah.
- Thank you.

- They are homemade.

We have buffaloes in our farmhouse

and every day to milk and
Victor makes the fresh cheese.

Enjoy.

- Thank you, Ella.
- Thank you.

What she was saying was that
they have their own buffaloes.

- Wasn't she saying it in English?

My sunny side were just--

- Your hearing, I've noticed your hearing

is not what it was.

Do you mind me saying that?

- Listen, stop distracting you and me

from the fact that your
Spanish is appalling.

I think what you were
trying to do before is

(humming solid tone).

- Sorry, mate, my--

(humming solid tone)

Bloody, bloody batteries.

Wait, wait, I can't, um, it's
playing up, hang on, hang on.

Right, try it again.

(humming solid tone)

Ah, shit.

Steve, wait, wait, I
can't hear a word, mate.

It's the batteries.

Steve, I can't hear anything, shh.

Steve, Steve, stop, wait, I've got a...

Very good.

- Okay, is that enough?
- Only you still can't do this

can you, no matter how hard you try,

you'll never be able to do
the small man in the box.

- Whereas I think your small
man in the box is brilliant,

it is also the apotheosis of your career.

- Mm, incredible, mm.

- [Rob] Sum it up for me.

- [Steve] The butter is
life-affirming butter.

- Life-affirming butter, L-A-B.

The buffalo?

- Wow.
- Wow.

(speaking foreign language)

- This one is the homemade chorizo.

We buy Iberian pork meat from Salamanca

and Victor makes the chorizo
like his grandmother.

- Wow.

- Is same chorizo, just cooked or cured.

- Cooked or cured, okay.

- And one corn croquette.

- I just got--
- You're welcome.

(speaking foreign language)

- When she said he makes
chorizo like his grandmother

is that what she looked like?

- No, Rob, he means the way his
grandmother used to make it.

- [Rob] Fine, well, I think
she should be more clear.

- Hm.

- Because I'm picturing
a grizzled old woman

with the external appearance of chorizo.

- [Steve] Well, you're the
only person who is, mate.

- Ah.
- Mm.

Fantastic.

- Mm.
- Mm.

- Wow.
- I know.

If his grandmother tasted
like this, I'd have a nibble.

(Steve laughing)

Come, come, Mr. Coogan, come, come.

You're beginning to thaw,
sir, beginning to thaw.

- No, I will laugh at stuff if it's good.

- (groans) The shoulder.

- What have you done to it?

- Just gettin' outta bed in the morning.

Just pulled it.

- You can't rush outta bed.

You've gotta, you know
what I've been told to do?

Stretch while lying down.

Gets your blood flowing.
- Before you rotate it?

- You look like a tentative Nazi.

(Steve laughs)

- Oh, I sink vhat ve're doing, you know,

is so wrong on so many
levels, but I just can't stop.

- Why are your Nazis so camp?

Oh, I'm a Nazi, oh.

- You tell me, Fuehrer.

- Heil Hitler.

Was he furious?

- Mm, he will be.

- Okay, we continue.

Green mussels.

With carrot juice.

- Carrot juice?
- Yes.

- [Steve] Bueno.

(utensil rattling)

- Oh, no, no, Steve.

- Oh.
- Look, look, look.

- Go on then.

- [Rob] But what do we do?

We, we--

- You just take them.

- Uh-huh.

- [Steve] Mm, wow.

- Well, here it is, Mr. Coogan,
we managed to get it out.

Um, I mean, the good news is, it's benign.

The bad news is, we
found seven more of them.

Some of them have gone
into the lymph nodes.

(speaking foreign language)

Are you gonna read that
book while we eat lunch,

or you just brought it as a sort of badge?

- No, I brought it, so, because I'm,

I'm emulating his journey.

- As I walked out one summer morning.

What would your version be?

As I drove out one summer
morning in my V8 Land Rover.

- Range Rover.

- Range Rover, sorry,
that's a terrible mistake.

- [Steve] Yeah.

- [Rob] How much have you read?

- Um, about a quarter,

but it's very good.
- For a thick book.

(speaking foreign language)

- Lord, no.

- One sauvignon blanc
- Ah, yes.

- To link with the grilled scallops.

The caviar is from Iran.

Enjoy.

- [Steve] It's stupendous, Iranian caviar.

- Please, go first.

- [Steve] No, no, no,
no, please, you go first.

- Well, before I do, Scaramanga,

why don't I turn them that way?

In which case, should you have
interfered with my scallops--

- In my country it is always traditional

that the nearest scallop
is served to the guest.

- Where I come from it
is a custom to proffer

the larger scallop to the guest.

- In my country when such an offer is made

it is traditional to turn
the plate 'round twice

and replace it on the table.

- Come, come, Mr. Bond,
you enjoy the scallop

just as much as I do.

Please, eat.

- Bottoms up.

- Goodbye, Mr. Bond.

Mr. Bond, goodbye.

- You should pay more
attention to your chef.

He's working for Her Majesty's government.

(Rob choking)

- [Rob] Starter for 10, what
is the Camino de Santiago?

- Um.
- No?

The pilgrims' route to
Santiago to Compostela,

where Saint James is
supposed to be buried.

Became the most important
destination for Christians

after Rome and Jerusalem.

- I meant only to the ultimate
pilgrimage, to see the pope.

I went there with Philomena.

I introduced Philomena to the pope.

- And we welcome Philomena
back into the conversation.

It's been a good five to six minutes

since he last brought it up.

But no, no, go on, always nice to hear.

- Well, I mean, you know.

- So you were there for what?

For the Cannes publicity tour?
- I can't pretend it's not

been a significant part of
my life, but there you go.

- I can't pretend it's not
been a significant part

of this bloody journey.

(speaking foreign language)

- [Steve] Ah.

- [Rob] This is nice, isn't it.

- Wonderful.
- Lovely.

- You look like the man
who'd follow James Bond,

not at a distance, in one
of the Sean Connery films.

- One of the early films.
- Who would never say anything

- Yes, yes.
- He'd never speak, mysterious

- Sinister figure.

- Sinister figure following him, yeah.

- Sos Del Rey Catolico,
now what does that mean?

- Ah, Del Rey, is the
reign, the Catholic reign,

so it's the Sos of the Catholic king,

because that's where King
Ferdinand was born, here.

- Right here.

- Right here, well not here,
but, you know, 'round here.

- He introduced the Spanish Inquisition?

- [Steve] Yes, indeed.

- Are you sure about that?

- He was a catalytic converter, in a way.

- [Rob] Very good, you're on fire.

- Cheers.

- You'd actually make a very
good inquisitor, I think,

for the Spanish Inquisition.

Don't take this the wrong way.
- No.

- You have an inquisitive nature.

- Mind, I have an inquisitive mind, yeah.

- And you have a cruel side,
you do have a cruel side.

- There's not really, well,
it's certainly a short leap

isn't it, from curiosity
to, uh, murderous intent.

I mean, uh, I mean,
it's quite a large leap.

- It's a very large leap.
- It's a big leap.

If I was questioning you
and you were on the rack,

I'd start out with some
simple questions like,

I'd just say, okay, just warm yourself up.

Just give me a name, address,

tell me what you had for breakfast.

- Rob Brydon, London.

- Yeah, and what'd you have for breakfast.

- Scrambled eggs.
- Lovely stuff, okay.

Uh, Rob--
- Is that it?

Can I go now?
- No, no, no.

Gonna ask you a few more questions.

Just, uh, just take it easy.
- I can't, it's really hurting

- What is your favorite kind of music?

- Bruce Springsteen.
- Okay, all right, okay.

- Is that is?
- No, no, no.

No, no, no, how many BAFTAs have you won?

- What?

- How many BAFTAs have you won?

- I can't hear you.

- Okay, okay, just give
it another notch, guys.

How many BAFTAs--
- (screams) I've a Welsh one.

I've got a Welsh one.
- Well, one Welsh BAFTA.

Thank you, you see how easy that was?

You see how easy it was
to answer the question?

Okay, now--

- I've been nominated seven
times for the normal ones.

- I didn't ask you that.

Notch, give him another notch.

(Rob screams)

How tall is he?

Five 8 1/2.

- Ooh, really?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Ooh, ooh.
- That's not bad, eh?

Okay, one more question that
you won't want to answer,

because we're trying to
get you up to five-nine.

I'm on your side here.
(grunting and moaning)

Do you want to quit at
five-eight, five 8 1/2,

or do you want to go for five-nine?

- I'll go for five-nine!

- He's gonna go for the five-foot-nine!

Okay, one more question.

- Oh, sh!
- Rob.

- Yeah.
- Do you believe

in the Lord God Almighty?

- I'd rather not say.

(screaming)
- Get him a couple notches.

And we're at five-nine.
- Oh, thanks.

- Five-nine, let him go.

You leave here as a five-foot-nine
man, congratulations.

- Thank you, Steve.

Oh, I've hit my head.
- I'm sorry for the pain.

There you go, that's gonna be a problem

you're gonna have to contend with now,

and you shall have to let
your trousers down, too.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rob Brydon.

(dramatic music)

- [Steve] Oh-ah!

- [Rob] This is the area
Terry Gilliam was in

when he was trying to do Don Quixote.

- Lost in La Mancha is the documentary

about his failure to do so.

- It's a show I would like to do

about La Mancha.
- Lost in La Mancha?

Oh, Man of La Mancha?
- Man of La Mancha

is the stage musical.

It might be my next theatrical venture.

- Really?
- Yes.

You get to sing The Impossible Dream.

Given that this is Rioja,

I would've thought we'd
see a lot more vines.

- It's of no interest
to me these days, Rob,

because I no longer drink alcohol.

- I like wine, I like Rioja.

What's with all the dinosaur signs?

- I suppose there's lots of dinosaurs

that used to live 'round here.

- I say we visit, because
Chloe loves dinosaurs.

- [Steve] Who's Chloe?

- [Rob] My daughter.

- [Steve] Oh.

(speaking foreign language)

- I'm gonna put my boots on.

- Your boots on?
- Yeah.

Dusty.

- We're gonna go in there?

- [Rob] Love these boots.

- [Steve] Yeah, no, they're
good intermediate walking shoes,

those, but you couldn't touch Crampons,

if there was any ice.

- [Rob] I don't plan to go on any ice.

- [Steve] No one plans for ice, Rob.

You gotta be prepared

if some suddenly appears.
(Rob shouts)

You see?

They're not very good
for scree work either.

You just gotta be decisive
about where you put your feet,

that's all.

- [Rob] Do a picture of
me with the dinosaur.

- [Steve] Which one's the dinosaur?

(both fake laughing)

Okay, uh, seeing as the dinosaur's doing

a McCartney-style thumbs up,
then why don't you mimic that?

- Hey, rock-and-roll.

I mean, Ringo, he was actually
a good drummer, you know.

(shutter clicks)
- What's that dinosaur called?

- Barney.
- No, it's a T. Rex.

- It's actually not, it's a Iguanodon.

- How do you know?

- Throw the phone?

Because Chloe is an expert.

- Well, tell me this.

Why have they changed the name

of a Brontosaurus to a Brachiosaurus?

No one else have given me

an adequate explanation.
- Brontosaurus which would

previously roam the lands.

- Who's that?
- It's John Hurt.

- That's not John Hurt.

- Who is it then?

- I don't know, but if
you're gonna do John Hurt,

you have to, um...

The Brachiosaurus would
once roam the land,

the king of all it surveyed.

- That's a very good John Hurt.

- King of all he surveyed.

It's a combination of him as

Quentin Crisp and Caligula in I, Claudius.

- Why are you standing?
- You can go away now, Rob.

I was thinking of killing
you, but I've changed my mind.

So does Chloe know
about the different, uh,

prehistoric periods.

- [Rob] Yep.

Well, you know, she, not to where

she could sit an exam.
- Does she know Triassic,

Jurassic, Cretaceous?

- [Rob] She knows some of
those, she knows the words.

I'm not gonna pretend that
she could give a lecture.

- Of course in the Triassic period

the world is one land
mass, just with the sea,

and that was it, one body of land.

And in the Jurassic period,

split into two big lumps of land.

And then finally the Cretaceous,

it broke off into the
continents that we know today.

(breathing heavily)

- Oh, look there.

The actual footprints.

- [Steve] They're big aren't they?

What size are your feet?

- Seven.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Go on, then, off you go.

- No, it's just that is quite feminine.

- They're too small.
- Quite feminine.

- They are feminine, I know.

- I'm not gonna be--
- Small feet.

Nice on a woman but weird on a bloke.

- Indeed.

If I could change one thing about me,

well, it wouldn't be the feet,

but I would get to the feet quite soon.

- It'd be feet, height,
and hair, wouldn't it?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(speaking foreign language)

Ah.
- Oh.

(speaking foreign language)

- Gracias.

- Muchas Gracias.

- Muchas, Muchas Gracias.

(speaking foreign language)

- Well?

- No, thank you.

(speaking foreign language)

- What was he asking?

- Do you want some more wine.

Mm, mm.

- Terrible year in many ways.

If you think about the
number of people who've died.

(Steve sighs)

I mean gifted people.

- Yeah.

David Bowie's death was like,

what did Tony Visconti say?

It was an artistic actor's death.

- What he did was remarkable.
- He just disappeared.

No funeral, he literally just went fshoo.

- Had a song called
Lazarus on his last record.

- Yeah, it was wonderful,
it was actually brilliant.

- Yeah, it was, it was admirable.

Told you about the time
he was on the radio,

and, uh, he wanted to mention me,

but couldn't remember my name.

- Really?

- Mm, he was being interviewed,

and, uh, the interviewer said,

what do you do when
you're on tour on the bus?

And he said he watched Cruise
of the Gods that we did.

And he said, you know, the one that,

it stars that guy.

And he said, who?
- Really?

- Yeah, he said, who?

And I was in the kitchen,
and I, oh, what, my god,

he's about to mention me, David Bowie.

- Sure he didn't mean me?

- No, no, no, no, because he said,

you know, the one from Marion and Geoff.

- Really?
- Yes.

- He said Marion and Geoff?
- Yes.

- Wow.
- And I was going it's me!

And the interviewer was going,

oh, I don't know, I don't know.

So he never said my name.

But he was thinking of
my face at that moment.

And when he died, I looked
at has Twitter feed,

and do you know what, Steve?

He followed me on Twitter.

- Really?

- You don't know what to do
with that information, do you?

- Well, no disrespect to you,

but he's just ever so slightly,

I mean, microscopically
diminished in my mind.

- Just think, and I know
you won't like this,

there remained a time when he sat there

with his phone, and went,

♪ Shall I follow him?

♪ Shall I follow him

♪ Shall I
♪ I think I shall

♪ He's funny

♪ Shall I follow Rob Brydon

♪ I think I shall

♪ Shall I follow Rob Brydon

♪ Or shall I follow Rob
Brydon in my later years

♪ And that is when it was

♪ In his later years

And he would've pressed on that button

and clicked and followed
me and seen every Tweet.

- [Guide] And as you know
this was a Moorish castle,

and when it was conquered
by the Christians

it became the official residence

of the (speaking foreign language).

Please.
- Thank you.

- [Guide] You're welcome.

And during the Civil War,

the town was bombarded
by the Condor Legion

and the castle was hit--

- At castelo Guernica?

- Yeah, la Guernica, the
last resistance of the town

took place in the cathedral.

And it was bombarded
too, and they surrendered

because they didn't
have any more ammunition

- Yes, of course, wow.
- or food to resist

the final attack.

Over there we have a
room that was a setting

for a Marlon Brando's
movie in the early '90s.

He played the role of Friar Torquemada,

who was the Grand Inquisitor here.

- Of course, the Spanish Inquisition.

- Yeah.
- Nobody expects that.

- [Steve] (speaking foreign
language) Monty Python.

- [Guide] I love them, too.

- Oh, do you?
- Yeah.

- Good.
- Please, after you.

- To the left.
- Yes, of course.

- [Jonathan] This is Jonathan.

- Hey, Jonathan, Steve Coogan.

- Steve, hey, how are you, man?

- Good, how are you?

- [Jonathan] Yeah, I'm great, so, listen,

I spoke to the studio.

- [Steve] Mm-hmm.

- [Jonathan] And they like the script.

They're totally on board for this film.

- Fantastic, great.
- Yeah?

- What's the catch?

- (chuckles) Yeah, uh, they
want to bring a new writer on.

- What?

- [Jonathan] Well, it's for a polish,

it's just for a polish, it's--

- Hey, how are we doing?

- [Sally] Hello, how are you?

- Yeah, really good.

Ah, oh, where'd you get that?

- [Chloe] I found out here.

- I thought you'd lost that,
I thought I'd hidden it.

- Who?

- [Jonathan] Ed Hirsch.

- I don't, who's he?

Never heard of him.

What's he done?

- He's written a few
scripts that have really

just gotten a lot of heat.

- Look over here!

Charlie, I'm here, look!

A little fella that--

- Uh.
- There, hello.

- [Jonathan] He's new, he's
hot, he's up and coming.

- (stammering) I've got
two Oscar nominations.

I'm new, and I'm not up
and coming, I've arrived.

(footsteps approaching)

(sighing)

- [Rob] Oh.

- Good evening.

- Good evening.
- Buenos tardes.

Isn't it a magnificent room?

- It's the Brando room.

I just watched a little
clip on YouTube of him.

You can't really work up
exactly where they are.

He's very overweight at that stage.

- Yeah, which is fine for Torquemada.

Gives him presence.

- I'm gonna be playing Torquemada

from the Spanish Inquisition.

- Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

- Nobody does.
- Amongst our weaponry

are such diverse elements
as fear, surprise,

a ruthless efficiency,

and an almost fanatical
devotion to the pope.

And nice red uniforms.

- Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Amongst our weaponry is fear, surprise,

a ruthless efficiency,

and an almost fanatical
devotion to the pope.

- You're doing him in The Godfather.

- Huh.
- You're just doing Marlon

Brando in The Godfather.
- Just doing '70's Brando.

And it was more like this,
and, like, kinda nasally.

- You know what, his
voice was a little higher,

the way he spoke.

It was, you know, it
was like that, you know?

- You've got a De Niro thing.
- When he spoke to people.

- Why are you doing your De Niro.

- If I was going De Niro, I'd
do it like that, you know?

That's the way, (inhales)

that's the way De Niro spoke, you know?

- That's good.
- Let's do something

about that, you know?

That's right, you know what I'm' gonna do?

I'm gonna rip your head off,

shit down your goddam fuckin' neck,

you two-bit, dick-suckin',
motherfuckin' asshole.

- That's terrific, that's terrific.

- Yeah, well, the reason
you think I'm doing De Niro

when I'm doing Brando, is
because De Niro himself

was influenced by Brando.

So when De Niro acts,

you see residual elements of Brando

in what he does, so you've
got it the wrong way around.

- So in attempting to criticize you,

I've inadvertently complimented you.

- You've shown up some of the detail--

- You shall only come out on
top in this exchange, then.

- (sighs) I'm only telling you the truth.

- Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

And nobody expects a comfy chair.

- No, he's gotta do the, get

(sighs) the comfy chair.

- Get the comfy chair.

I'm like a turtle, look at me.

- (scoffs) Get the comfy chair.

- Get the comfy chair
and a piece of lettuce.

I'm gettin' hungry.

Amongst our weaponry is
such diverse I, to me,

Woody Allen.
- Woody Allen, yeah.

- Yeah, amongst our weaponry
is such diverse elements as

fear, surprise,

and an almost fanatical
devotion to the Yankees.

- Meh.

(upbeat epic music)

- Do you wish to confess?

- No.

- You know all Jews were
told to leave the country

by order of the Catholic king and queen.

- Yes, but, I'm, I'm not a Jew.

I'm a Catholic, Roman Catholic.

- If you're Catholic, then
you must respect my authority.

My authority comes from the pope.

- I've met the pope.

What it was, I met the
pope, I met His Holiness

at the Vatican, and he saw a film I made.

- You're lying.
- I'm telling the truth.

All right, all right,
he didn't see the film,

his advisors did, and they gave
him a breakdown of the film,

and he approved it.

- You're, um, a heretic?

- I am not a heretic, I'm
not Jewish, I'm not Muslim,

I am a Roman Catholic.

I promise you, I don't know the Quran,

I hardly know the Old Testament.

I was an altar boy, um--

- Shh.

Do you respect my authority?

- Well.

- Do you respect my authority?

- [Steve] Why are you,
why are you mumbling?

- What, what did you say?

- [Steve] You're not enunciating, enuncio.

- I'm sorry, Esteban.

Do you respect my authority?

- Yes, I, yes I respect your authority.

- Take him away.

(upbeat epic music)

- Do you know exactly
what's going to happen now?

I've not done anything, have I?

Why are they taking me backwards?

I've not done anything.

(mumbling)

(gasps)

(exhales)

(groans)

Hey, guess where I'm taking
Joe at the end of this week.

Here, look.

- [Rob] Zip wire?

- [Steve] Yeah.

Longest one in Spain.

- [Rob] Have you done this already?

- [Steve] Yeah, I've done
about five in the UK,

couple in Europe.

- Word of warning, what's
the age limit on this?

- There's no age limit,
as long as you fit.

There's a height restriction.

- Well, we were in Italy last year,

and there was whitewater rafting.

- [Steve] Yeah?

- So I thought I'd check
out, you know, the age.

Eight to 55.

So by the time Charlie's
old enough to do it

I'll be too old.
- That's ridiculous.

- I know.
- 55?

That's ridiculous.

- Why can you not whitewater raft at 55?

I might get some fake ID
or something like that.

- Yeah, you'll have to get
fake ID like a teenager.

- Uh, John Jones, born in 1970.

I'm a carpenter from Wrexham.

- You say you're a carpenter.

- That's right.
- Simple question.

If building a bog standard,
uh, tongue-and-groove,

glue-and-peg wooden bench for outside,

what kind of wood do you choose,

if you want it to weather
into a nice silvery patina?

Ash, beech, teak?

Simple question.

You'll have to hurry.

There's other people that want to get on

this whitewater raft.

- Um, could you tell me the woods again?

- Ash, teak, beech.

- Ash, teak, beech?
- Mm.

- Beech.

- No, mate, it's teak.

Any carpenter worth his
salt'll tell you that.

- Don't cry, Charlie.

- You're not, you're
not a carpenter, mate.

- Please let us go on.

- On your way.
- It's the only chance

I've got to, I just want--
- On your way.

- Don't cry, Charlie, don't cry.

Maybe Mommy can take you.

Look at the boy, he's crying.

- Oh come on, how old are you?
- Please don't be like--

What?
- How old are you?

- I'm 56.

- Oh, for Christ's sake,
go on, on your, get on.

Just, oh, please.
- Thanks, so, oh!

Oh, I've got shooting pains down my arm.

- Well, don't tell me that.

I've just broken the
rules for you, you nob.

- Give me a minute, I got lightheaded.

All right, thank you.

Come on, Charlie.

Not so fast, son.

- [Steve] You know when walking downhill,

it'd be good if you engage your abs.

- [Rob] Yeah, course.

- [Steve] And if you
engage your abdominals,

it takes the pressure off your knees.

- [Rob] Who told you that?

- It's just that you can
feel it anatomically.

I figured it out.

- Well at least stand up
to a focus group with it.

- Well you wouldn't show
it to a focus group.

- Clinical trials, I wouldn't
send it to clinical trials.

- Exactly, they won't
show it to a focus group.

- Clinical trials, that's
why I said clinical trials.

- Oh, okay, yeah, you
don't need clinical trials.

If you listen to your
body, you'll figure it out.

It's like a shock absorber,

so the knee doesn't have
to take all the impact.

Wow.

- [Rob] Ah, big, bigger
than it looks from outside.

- Hey, take your hat off in church.

Bountiful.

I'm trying to find out
where the bomb damage is.

From, you know, from when
Franco and the Nazis.

- Exhibition there, with
Cervantes and Shakespeare.

There, look.

Why would they have the two
of them in one exhibition.

- Ah, they both died in the same year.

It seems they've done
a very good repair job.

Can't see any damage.

- Well, maybe it wasn't this
part of it that got damaged.

- [Steve] I mean the workmanship
of this is a testament

to all the workers who
helped construct it,

and yet Franco, very happy,

despite claiming to be a Catholic,

to bomb the shit out of
a religious building.

Which just shows you what
kind of a vandal he was.

- [Rob] We're having flooring
just like this in the kitchen.

- Partners there.
- Yeah.

- Buried, lying next to
each other for eternity.

(sighs) Brr.

First collected edition of
Shakespeare's works, 1623.

So, then, six years, seven
years after his death.

Already they realized what they'd lost.

(Rob sighs)

Rob, Rob.

Electronic '80s album cover.

- [Rob] Very good.

I'm holding my stomach in while I do this.

- [Steve] Well, just
walking downhill is actually

better for that, you know.

- Yeah, but I hold it in
pretty much all the time now.

(speaking foreign language)

Would you ever do
Shakespeare on the stage?

- I would have liked
to have played Hamlet.

- That train has left the station.

Who would you like to play now?

- Olivier played him when he was 42.

- Olivier was a better actor than you.

- Well, a different actor.

- Better actor.
- A different actor.

- [Rob] King Lear?

- He's, old man.

- Not old, he's he a father.

You've got more in common with him

than you have with a teenager.

(people murmuring and birds chirping)

Have you lost something?

- She is gone forever.

I know when one is living and one is dead,

and she is dead as earth.

Lend me a looking glass.

'Cause if her breath may
mist or stain the stone,

why then she lives.

- Very good, very good.

Midsummer Murders.

You're a father who's just
been told his daughter's

just been killed in a road
accident, and that is effective,

and we're straight into
the adverts after that.

- I have of late, though
wherefore I know not,

lost all my mirth, forgone
all custom of exercises.

Indeed it goes so heavily
with my disposition

that it's goodly frame the earth.

Look you, this fine
o'erhanging firmament, the sky,

it seems nothing to me but a
foul congregation of vapors.

Yeah-ah, Jumping Jack Flash.

(Steve sighs heavily)

Stones do Shakespeare, come on!

- Oh, oh, that this too, too solid flesh

would melt and resolve itself into a dew.

Oh, that the Everlastin' not fix

his cannon 'gainst self-slaughter.

- Has Russell Brand ever done Shakespeare?

- You're doin' Mick Jagger.
- Oh, no, god.

- You're doing Mick Jagger.

- Well, I, um,

what you said.
- Hah!

- [Steve] Hah, what's that?

- All right, yeah, all right.
- Huh, huh, huh!

That's not Mick Jagger.

That's only noises.
- Yes it is.

Steve, you're doin' it wrong.
- Let's see what'll you have?

- Quiet and let me do it.

- No, you can't do it,

you're copying Morrisey.

And he doesn't look like that.

That's all gay.
- I see.

- He does like that.

- A piece of work's mine, ah-ah-ah.

- He goes really deep sometimes

and you can't get down there.

It can only go up there.

He's gotten down, so do him properly.

- You saying I can't get down there.

You're seriously saying
I can't get down there.

- No, let's stop, but
don't just say anything

about Mick Jagger.

Ah.

(speaking foreign language)

- Gracias.
- Muchas Gracias.

(speaking foreign language)

- Si, Si.

- Ha-ha-ha-hah.
- I like wine.

No spoon or fork.

Muchas Gracias.

- [Server] Uh-huh.

- So, George Orwell came
over to Spain in 1936.

- Oh.

One year after the birth of Elvis.

- He came out to Barcelona with his wife.

- With his wife.

- She stayed there,

when he went to--
- Mini-break.

She stayed there,

when he went to--
- It's a good place

for a mini-break.

Is that what they were doing?

Were they able to do that in those days?

- Do you want to learn anything
about the Civil War at all,

or do you think it's like, I just think,

no, I don't really give a
damn about the Civil War.

Not that interested in it.

- I want to learn something
about the Civil War.

- Okay, so he came out to
Barcelona, left his wife there,

went off to the front
to fight, 50 miles away.

When he came back, he was so disillusioned

with the intellectuals who
were back in Barcelona,

when he went back there, he saw them all.

They'd become bourgeois.

They'd lost sight of their ideals.

He said they were eating fancy
food in posh restaurants.

So he went back to the front one more time

and eventually got shot in the throat.

Couldn't speak for six months.

- Where's a bullet to the
throat when you need one?

I don't think if I were to say to Sally,

I'm going off to fight, she
wouldn't stand there, just say,

all right, you're going off to be killed.

- Yeah, or kill.

- That's a very good point,

'cause that's something
else I couldn't do.

- I wouldn't fight in a
war 'cause I've got kids.

- I got kids.

- Yeah, but if I didn't
have kids, I think I would

be up for that.
- I don't think you would.

- I think I would.

- I think you'd like to think you would,

but I don't think you would.

You could go and entertain the troops.

You could go and do Alan
Partridge for the troops,

that's what you would do.

And all these proper men, who
are giving over everything,

would love as you came out and went ah-ha.

You know what I'd love, if a
sniper got you at that moment.

Ah-ugh.

You didn't even finish the ah-ha.

You'd only got to ah.

- I'd do that hah as my dying breath.

- I don't think you would.
- I would.

- No, you wouldn't.
- Ah, (imitates bullet hit).

- If it was to the head, you idiot.

- Ah, (imitates bullet hit), ha.

- You wouldn't say ah-ha.

- I'd get the ha out.

- There'd be no ha.

And I'd say, if Steve were here now,

I know what he'd say, ha--

- Ha.
- Hm.

(phone rings)

- Hello.

- [Emma] Hi, Steve.

- Hello, Emma, love.

- How are you, how's it going?

- [Steve] Doing very well, yes.

- Good, good, how's Rob doing?

- Rob is great, he's
going very well, indeed.

You're on, you're on--
- I'm good, I'm good.

- Yeah, you're on speakerphone,
that's why I'm being nice.

- Hiya, how are you?

- I love you, I'm just, uh,
I'm calling to remind you

that I'm coming out to see you tomorrow.

- [Both] Yay.

- Thank god, I'm at a breaking point.

- Oh, wow, okay, great, and
I'm bringing Yolanda with me.

Due to the fact that
it's the New York Times?

- Oh, great.

- And the Observer

- I just want to remind
you, that they do want you

to dress up as Don Quixote
and Sancho Panza, okay?

- What a surprise.

- Which one am I?

- [Emma] You are to be our Sancho Panza.

- [Rob] Hey.

- [Steve] Yeah, good,
supporting role, as ever.

(slow piano music)

- [Rob] The Parador de Cuenca
is a majestic former convent,

careful, perched above the Huecar Gorge

with stunning views of the old town.

- [Steve] Oh, so that's, look at that.

Oh, that's beautiful.
- Very nice

Now don't look at it too much.

(phone rings)

- [Rob] Hello.

- [Woman] Hi, is that Rob Brydon.

- Uh, speaking.

- [Woman] I've got Matt Jenkins for you.

- Okay.

- [Matt] Hey, Rob Bryden (laughing).

- Hello.

Hi, Matt.

- Hey, man, how you doin'?

- Yeah, I'm all right, how are you?

- [Matt] I'm good, how's, uh, London?

- Oh, I'm in Spain.

I'm not in London, I'm in Spain.

- Hi, Greg.

- Hi, Steve, how are you?

- I've been better.

Do you know they brought a new
writer on to rewrite Missing?

- Yeah, but it's nothing,
it's just, it's standard.

Just for a polish, that's all.

- I'm with Steve, with,
uh, with Steve Coogan.

- Ah, Steve Coogan,
yeah, yeah, good, good.

- Is this the Matt that's Steve's agent?

- Yeah, it is, well, no, I
mean, I've left the agency.

We met at Sundance, you remember that.

- I've got two Oscar nominations.

Uh, last film I wrote had four
Academy Award nominations.

- Yeah, I know, but Joey, he's really,

he's great, he's up and coming.

- Up and coming?

I've up and come.

I've already up and come.

- You have, no, yeah, absolutely,
you have, Steve, you have.

- Look, lemme cut to the
chase, I saw you in the

Horseman.
- The Huntsman.

- The Huntsman, saw you in The Huntsman.

Thought you were fantastic, man.

I mean, really, you burnt up the screen.

You've got it, that little
midget walk you did.

The screen loves you, but you
were being underused there.

So let me cut to the chase, okay.

You should be doing what
Nick Frost is doing.

- Well, I did, I did
The Huntsman with him.

- This is what I'm saying.

You should be doing what
James Corden is doing.

You know, he's the biggest thing on TV.

- I was with James in Gavin & Stacey.

- I heard about that, it was
supposed to be fantastic.

I, I, uh, missed it, but
I'll definitely get a copy.

You know, you should
be the new Simon Pegg.

You should be, you could be, you will be

the new Ricky Gervais.

- Oh, gosh, well, Ricky,
that's what we all dream of.

- What does Jeff think of this?

- Jeff's fine with it.

Jeff's very busy doing another
screenplay for Fox, so he--

- What script is Jeff doing for Fox?

I didn't know that.

- [Greg] The script for George Clooney.

- The George Clooney?

Right, okay, I had no idea about that.

Another thing I had no idea about.

- [Matt] Have you ever done any hosting?

You know, the awards ceremonies?

- I hosted the LA BAFTAs once.

- The what?

They have LA BAFTAs?

Who do they give those to?

Listen, never mind, you should
be hosting the Golden Globes.

This is what I'm talkin' about.

- It's my script, I wrote
it, well I co-wrote it,

I'm producing it, I'm gonna star in it,

not Tim Huddleston or some
other fuckin' posh twat.

- This should be the best phone call,

this will be the best
phone call you've ever had.

- Yes.

- It's my film, okay?

- [Greg] Of course it is.

- That's what it's going to be.

Good, thank you.

(singing in foreign language)

- That's what you should be in.

- Stands out like a sore thumb.

That's what Laurie needed
to pay his way around Spain.

He busked.

- Thanks.
(coins clink)

- You know that, uh, Cuenca
was one of the last places

to fall to the Fascists in the Civil War

on March the 29th, 1939.

- Terrific position,
it's up on the hilltop,

so very difficult to attack,
and very easy to defend.

- Yeah, and they may
very well have held out,

if it weren't for the fact that the army,

the Republican army,

turned against the Socialist government.

If it weren't for that Franco
may have well not have won.

- Hello.

- I gave you money before, mate.

- Oh, yeah, sorry, fellas, take care.

- You can have a drink with
us, if you want, though.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- You sure?

- [Steve] Yeah, have a beer.

- I'm with Steve.
- That'd be lovely.

Cheers, man.
- No worries.

(speaking foreign language)

- You sound very good.

- Thank you, man.

- Especially like your backing singers.

- Oh, yeah, hardly Ronettes, right?

- You know them?

- Um, yeah, I suppose
near acquaintances, maybe.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- So you guys here on holiday?

- No, we're working.

- Oh, right?

- I'm writing a book about my, um,

sort of travel through Spain.

Replicating a journey I did when I was,

when I was a younger man.

It's kind of a little bit
inspired by Laurie Lee,

you know, When I Walked Out One

Midsummer Morning.
- Midsummer Morning.

Yeah, I know it.
- But we're driving it.

Cheers.

- [Musician] Cheers,
mate, yeah, I love Laurie.

- That's part of the reason
when I saw you buskin' there,

I thought this is our Laurie Lee,

'cause he paid his way through Spain

by doing the same thing.

- With a violin, yeah.
- Yeah, that's right.

- Yeah, right on.

So you guys staying in Cuenca long?

- One day in every place.

I'm writing restaurant reviews,

so we go to one town, we're there a day,

and then we go on.

- Oh, have you been in
San Sebastian for food.

It's the best place in Spain for food

by a country mile.
- Yeah, I know.

- We were near there in Santander,

weren't we?
- Yeah.

- Or Catalonia, not just Barcelona.

The food there's excellent, yeah.

- No.
- Yeah.

Well, we just (stammering)

we were gonna go there, we just thought

it was a bit too obvious.

We're trying to do stuff
that's a little bit, kind of,

the kind of nooks and crannies,

slightly off the beaten track a little.

- Like Sanlucar, near Cadiz.

The tuna there is absolutely
bang-on, I love that.

- [Steve] Yeah, I know, yeah.

It's more like the culture than the food,

although food's part of it,

but it's more like the
kind of culture, I suppose.

- But if it's food and culture
that you're LOOKIN' for,

Valencia.

- Valencia.

- Yeah, you probably know it.

Casa Montana?
- Yeah, yeah.

- [Musician] Yeah, that's the best.

- I know.

- And Valencia's got the Holy Grail.

- How long does it take to
get to Valencia from here?

- Valencia's like two hours
away, man, it's close.

- Let's go to Valencia.

- Well, no, (stammering)
we're not going to Valencia.

- Go to Valencia.
- We've got a whole schedule.

- No.

- We can go to Valencia,
it's just two hours.

- We've got a schedule worked out.

We've got pre-ordained
route taking in some--

- Where's the fun in that?

Stray from the path, man.

- We sort of are straying from the path

by not going to places
like Catalonia, so...

- Oh, okay.

- You can go there for us (chuckles).

- I will, again.

- Okay, again, yeah, all right.

Listen, I'm gonna head
back to the hotel anyway,

so, uh, I'm gonna head off.

- You're goin' back to the hotel?

- Yeah.
- Now?

- Yeah, yeah.

You're all right, you'll be
all right here with, uh, man.

Perhaps he'll play you a few tunes.

All right, mate, good luck
with your Bo Diddley stuff.

- Thanks for the beer, man.

- No, no worries, okay.

- All right, see you later.

- Sorry 'bout that.

- Touched a nerve, no more.

He doesn't like to be told
things that he thinks he knows.

(slow piano music)

- Hello.

- Hello, you look delectable and tasty.

- Like a piece of ham?

- Oh, all right, then, you look sexy.

- Don't feel very sexy.

Had a chat with the builders

and they can't start for another month.

- [Steve] Hey, Mischa.

- Hi, where are you?

- I had a fan phone call today.

Do you remember the
agent Steve used to have

in LA called Matt?

- Sort of, yeah.

- Look, when you come back, I was thinking

maybe we could go out to
Rachel's for the weekend.

- [Steve] Fantastic,
yeah, I'd love to do that.

- [Mischa] Nice place.

- [Steve] Yeah, but, you know what?

Yeah, well, we'll definitely do that,

but why don't you come out earlier?

- He wants me to go with him,

and be represented by him in LA.

- Surely there's no
point in that, is there?

- Absolutely right answer.

Well done, I give you two points for that.

And that is what I will be telling

this little American
fellow in me own way, uh--

- And it's too far away from me.

- [Rob] Yeah, of course it is.

- But isn't Joe supposed to come out?

- [Steve] Yeah, but he
can do his own thing.

You know, he's a big boy.

- [Mischa] How old is he now?

- [Steve] He's 20 years old now.

- Oh, you better watch out.

I might like him more than I like you.

- [Steve] Yeah, you're gross.

- Look, I gotta go, I'll talk to ya later.

- [Steve] Okay, bye.

(Steve sighs)

(birds chirping)

- [Emma] Oh, they're here.

Hey, you.

- [Rob] Hola.

- [Both Women] Hola.

- How you doin'?
- Hey.

Good to see you.
- You too.

How's it going?
- Thank you, how are you?

- [Steve] Great, yeah.

- [Yolanda] Nice to see you.

- Hey, hi.
- Good to see you again.

How was your flight?

- Yeah, it was very good.

So, photographs.

- Look, it's just up the hill.
- What about them?

(Emma fake laughs)

- [Yolanda] Yes, I'm
gonna have them there.

- [Emma] Yep.

- These are about two
sizes too big, my shoes.

- Yeah, well, this is really painful.

I don't know how anyone
could fight in this stuff.

- [Emma] (chuckles) You look-

- What shoes size did you give them.

- [Emma] The size that you sent me over.

- I wear a seven, these
feel like a 10 or an 11.

- [Emma] You've only got to
wear them for a minute, so...

All right, Steve.

- So, you guys ready?

- We could've got changed,
uh, up here, not down there.

(speaking foreign language)

- I can push you up.

- One, two, three.

Okay.

- [Rob] I can give you a push.

- [Yolanda] If you need
I can give you a hand.

- No, I don't need any
help, I've done it before.

One, two, three (grunts and groans).

- [Emma] Yay, Coogs.

- It's just about
getting the timing right.

Okay.

(grunts)

- There's no saddle.

Hang on.

Okay, do it quickly now.

- [Steve] They lick their own asses.

(horse whinnies)
- Uh-oh.

(speaking foreign language)

(shutter clicking)
- Take the picture.

- Just take the picture.

(speaking foreign language)
- Just take the picture.

What's she doing there,
is she on the internet?

(speaking foreign language)

Just take the picture!

- [Yolanda] Yes, I'm coming, Rob.

- All right, guys.

(speaking foreign language)

- Don Quixote had three trips, I think.

He had the one that he
went out on his own.

And he went back, and he
just did Sancho Panza.

And then he had the sequel, and
this is now your third trip.

- When Cervantes wrote the sequel,

in the interim, after he'd
written the first part,

there was a fake sequel published,

then he incorporated the fake
sequel into his real sequel,

so he made that part of the story.

So when he's out, was on his
travels in the second book,

he bumps into people who'd
read the fake sequel,

and so he can slag it off
within the pages as Don Quixote.

That is so bold and innovative,
and it's 500 years ago.

So, effectively he was postmodern,

before there was any
modern to be post about.

- [Emma] Amazing.

(speaking foreign language)

- Cervantes, of course, when he was 37,

he married a 19-year-old.

- Impressive for a man with one arm.

- 30 years ago, when I came to Spain,

I was 18 years old, and I was
pursuing a 37-year-old woman.

- She was 37, so the reverse.
- The reverse, the reverse.

- I wasn't doing that kind of
cliche with a younger woman.

- No, absolutely not.
- She was older than me.

- Would you now be with
a woman 20 years older?

- Well, I don't, that's, I
think that that's, that's--

- I'll ask again.

Would you now be with a woman 20,

a 70-year-old?
- Honestly that's academic.

That's academic.

- She could be in any
profession, it doesn't matter.

(speaking foreign language)

- He imagined that the inns
were castles, didn't he?

In his imagination.
- Indeed.

- We've been staying in inns.

- Well, we've been literally
staying in castles.

- Sorry, we have, yeah.

We've been staying in
castles, I think they're inns.

He stayed in inns, but he
thought they were castles,

so it's, uh, like, uh--

- The other way around.
- Circle in a spiral.

Like a wheel within a wheel.
- Yes.

- [Rob] Never ending or beginning
on an ever-spinning reel.

- Yeah.

- Like the circles that you find

in the h-windmills of your mind.

- H-windmills.
- H-windmills.

- That could be a postmodern manifesto.

It really could.
- Or a lovely song

from the '70s.

(mouth orchestrating "Spanish Flea")

- [Rob] Spanish Fly, Rob
Brydon, Steve Coogan.

Wonderful stuff from them.

Now don't forget come along
with us this morning--

- [Steve] Let me just interrupt you there,

Old Kineebles, me old friend.

- Ah.

- Because anyone who is anyone will know

that the title of the song by Herb Albert

is Spanish Flea, not Spanish Fly.

- May I be so bold as to
put you up on a wee point,

that it's not Herb Albert,
it's Herb Alpert, with a P.

- Ah, yes.
- You've got your Ps

and your Bs mixed up there.

- You've got your fleas
and your flies all over.

- And you've got your
- And I've got me

- Ps and our Bs.
- Ps and me Bs.

I threw you a little
bone with a mistake there

so that you could pick
me up, so we're all,

so we're all Even Steven.

- Although we'll probably never know

if that was the truth, though, will we?

I mean, that--
- Bs, flies, Ps, Bs.

- You put a P in the wrong place.

I had a pee in the wrong place once.

They won't let me back in
that supermarket again.

- Yes, and don't forget that you know

time flies like an arrow,

but fruit flies like a banana.

(church bell ringing)

(birds chirping)

- This is beautiful, very calming.

- Yeah.
- It's wonderful.

It's interesting, isn't it?

We started in the birthplace
of King Ferdinand,

and here we are at the place
where they were buried.

- Here?

- [Steve] Yeah, in the hotel.

- It wasn't a hotel then, though.

- No it wasn't then.
- That'd be awful wouldn't it?

Dreadful.

You have a reservation.

Uh, Smith.

- [Emma] Corpses of.

- You wait a moment please,
we are about to bury the king.

Please, what?

Yes, we have a gymnasium.

- Why are they buried in Granada then.

- Because this is the last
town to fall to the Catholics.

That's why they call them
the Catholic king and queen.

The thing about the Moors is
they were way more tolerant

than the Catholics that came after them.

- I'm a big fan of the Moors.

Oh, Dudley Moore, Christy
Moore, Patrick Moore?

- [Emma] No more, please.

- Roger Moore.
- No.

- Now when I think back to
the Moors being here in Spain,

I can honestly say we
had a wonderful time.

Mother booked a holiday, and we arrived,

and found the hotel to be to our liking.

- Of course, what you're
forgetting to point out

is that the Moors, when
they conquered Spain

in the early 8th century,
were encountering a Europe

that was still very much in the Dark Ages.

- It was pitch black.

- But they of course build
beautiful palaces like this.

They were very ahead of their time.

- I have to tell you, when we
were building these palaces,

my fellow Moores, mother,
father, and sister,

sometimes we would encounter a workman

who perhaps wasn't working quite
as quickly as I would want.

Then I would say to him...

- Move!
- Move!

- Move!
- Move!

A lot of them thought
they were hearing cows.

- The thing about doing Roger Moore.

- Yes?

- Less is more.

- Ah, you've met my brother Les.

- If you can let him--
- Les, come in.

That's right, I'm also a Moore.

Les Moore.
- I was trying to hint

that you should always leave
your audience wanting more.

- My audience constantly wants more

and that's what I give them.

Roger Moore.

- Moore, quit while you're ahead.

- They introduced the orange to Spain.

- The Moors?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- From where?

- I guess Morocco, that's
where they're originally from.

- Right.
- I can explain it to you,

if you like, it was my mother.

She packed one into her hand luggage.

- He didn't get the hint, did he?

- No.
- On one of her holidays.

To which I said, Mother,
what are you doing?

She said, shush, Roger,

I'm going to introduce
the orange to Spain.

- And another thing the Moors introduced

was, of course, our numerical system.

- That's right, we brought
a calculator with us.

- Because basically we
used to use Roman numerals,

and it was only when they brought

the Arabic numerical
system that developed that

into the numerical system we use today.

- Mother said it would never work.

- This is really crazy.
- Father said it will.

- The fact is that the Moors
were far more sophisticated.

- Yes.
- They knew about medicine,

philosophy, mathematics.
- Yes, correct.

- Astronomy.
- We love looking at the stars

- Very, very, way more advanced than,

and also managed to marry.

- My parents did marry,
you're quite right.

They married at a young age,

they had me and my sister.

- Rob, Rob, seriously.

He's got, like, Tourette.

- The wonderful day my uncle
Bertie gave the sermon,

he was a preacher, you see.

- The Greek philosophers were translated

into Arabic by the Moors.
- That's right.

- It was only
- Thank you very much.

- during the Crusades,

when they invaded Toledo...
- It was a pleasure to do it.

And father, sitting at his desk,

translating night and day.

My mother would say to him,
- So they translated

- Aristotle's
- when are you going to take

Roger to the park?
- teachings.

- Aristotle's teachings
were translated into Arabic

by the Muslims, and then during
the Crusades the canvas--

- Why didn't you say they
were done by the Moors?

Are you trying to discourage me?

- What, what?

- [Emma] Please, yes.

- You've stopped saying Moores,

and you've started saying Muslims.

And I find that a little
racially offensive.

- Go on, please.

- You started off referring
to us as the Moores,

now you're referring to us as Muslims.

- [Steve] The Moors were Muslims.

- But why did you start with Moores?

- It doesn't matter.

The people that I'm talking
about were one and the same

Moors with the Muslims.

- I'm not Roger Muslim, I'm Roger Moore.

- Dear god.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I've got you a ticket the first thing

in the morning to see the Alhambra.

- Oh, brilliant, great, great.

- Rob, I've got one for you, too.

- Can I go later, can
I go after breakfast?

- (laughs) It'll be busy.

- Yolanda, you should come with me.

- I can't, I have to take an
early flight back to London.

- Really?

That's a shame.

- Leaving me alone with him?

- Oh, you won't be alone, I'm
coming with you to Malaga.

I'm gonna make sure
Joe gets to you safely.

- Thank the Lord.
- Great.

(computer notifying)

- Hello.

- Hey, hey, Dad.

- Hey, how you doin'?

- Um, yeah, (stammers)
I'm good, how are you?

- Great, really looking
forward to seeing you

in Playa de Maro.

I've missed you, buddy.

- Uh, yeah, that was what I
was calling about actually.

- Yeah, Emma's, she's
been in touch, right?

She said she's organized all the flights

and what have you, so...

- I can't come.

- What are you talking about?

- I just can't come.

I need to stay here with Helen.

- What's going on?

Talk to me.

- She's pregnant.

- You're fucking kidding me.

- She's, she's pregnant.
- You fucking idiot.

- [Joe] I need to stay here with her

so we can figure out
what we're going to do.

- Wait, wait, are you
certain she's pregnant?

- Yes, she's definitely pregnant.

- And are you sure it's yours?

- Dad.

- Um.

Um.

You're 20 years old, you're
too young to have a kid.

You know, it's, any decisions you make now

will have ramifications
for the rest of your life.

- Yes, I know, but I'm not just

making decisions for me anymore.

I need to think about her,

and we need to think
about what we're gonna do.

(sighs very heavily)

- Okay.
- Sorry.

- Listen, you don't
have to be sorry, okay?

It's okay, doesn't matter
about comin' out here.

Just, um, well, whatever
happens, I'm here for you.

All right?

- [Joe] Thanks, Dad.

- And I love you.

- [Joe] Love you, too.

(church bell ringing)

- Okay, listen, um...

Don't worry about it, all right?

- Yeah.

- I love ya, and I'll
talk to you later, okay?

- Love you too.

(computer beeps)

(sighs heavily)

- Got this.

(chanting music)

- Hey, good morning.

- Buenos Dias, amigo, Coogan.

- (chuckles) How was the Alhambra.

- It was, uh, good, it was good,

but it was, uh, you know, beautiful,

spiritual, blah, blah, blah.

- You okay?

- Joe's not coming out.

- [Emma] What, why?

- Uh, his girlfriend's pregnant.

- Oh, my god.

- Bloody hell.

- What's he gonna do?

- (sighs) Well, I told him he had options.

- What does that mean?

- Well, he's too young to be a dad.

He's not very worldly, you know.

- You know what this means, don't you?

♪ Granddad, Granddad

♪ We love you
- Hadn't thought of that.

- (laughing) I'd start to think about it.

- (laughing) He's gonna be a granddad.

- Thank you, Lord.

(slow piano music)

- [Rob] Look at those, ah.

- [Steve] See, a lot of
people think they're ugly,

because they're modern, but I think

they're beautiful because
they're functional.

Tilting at Turbines,
that's what I should call

my book about Spain.

- [Emma] Good idea.

Oh, look, Maro.

Isn't that where you were
gonna take Joe snorkeling.

- Yeah, it was, yeah.

I brought him here as a
baby when I was filming.

- How old was he?

- Ah, about six months.

- Aw.

- You know, we could still
stop, we've got time.

- I'll go snorkeling
with you, if you want.

I could be Joe.

- You dressed in a nappy,
crawling out on the beach,

eating sand, only has limited appeal.

- Well, it wouldn't be for everyone,

I mean, I'm the first to admit.

- No, it was a long time ago,

when I was still married to his mom.

Yeah.

(crowd murmuring)

- Do you know who lives in Malaga?

- The mayor of Malaga.

- Yes, correct.
- Thank you.

- And Sean Connery.

- Marbella, Mr. Coogan, Marbella,

your mate, the mister,
he lives in Marbella.

- Yeah, but he flies into Malaga.

- By all accounts he's
a very well-respected

pillar of this society.

- Yes, he's very active in civic duties.

- I like to get involved.

The recycling, for example,

plastics on a Friday,
cardboard on a Saturday.

- Do you expect me to talk?

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

(speaking foreign language)

- When he met Cubby
Broccoli and Harry Saltzman

to discuss the role,
as he left the meeting,

they looked out of the window,

and said he, not yet, and
said, what are you doing?

- Getting ready to do Sean Connery.

- You appear to be doing him already.

As he left the building

and he walked out across Regent Street

they looked down and
said, "That man is Bond.

"He moves like a panther."

- Like a panther.

- Yes, but walking like
a panther is not enough

to bag you the role of James Bond.

Because of course Bond is
also something of a bulldog.

So, there was--

- It was primarily he had to
- He had to be a combination

- walk like a panther.
- of a panther and a bulldog.

Apologies if I've been dragging

my arse 'round the carpet
because I may have worms.

- I have a very itchy
anus, I apologize now,

but it's part and parcel
- Show your bloody itchy anus.

- of being a panther at the dock.

- When you introduce me to Blofeld,

perhaps I should curl
up and lick my balls.

(barking)

I think I make quite a
good knight, don't I?

- Yeah.
- You do actually, yeah.

With the best one in the world
you could never be El Cid.

You could be a chap called Sid,

just not El Cid.

- I could be Old Cid.

- Yeah, Old El Cid.
- You could be Old Cid.

Look me in the eye and tell me

you think you could play El Cid.

In a remake, the Charlton Heston role.

- I mean, you could certainly play

Michael Hordern in El Cid.

- Who did he play?

- Someone's dad, I can't remember.

- Oh.

You know Michael Hordern, Emma?

- Michael Hordern, Yuh.

- [Rob] Why is she having him?

- Michael Hordern would go,

Yuh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-um,
Paddington Bear.

- Yeah, I know.

I loved his voice.
- That wasn't Michael Hordern.

That was Michael Hordern's horse.

- Michael, hmm, Hordern.

Anyway, hm?

- Didn't he do No Man's Land with Gielgud.

You wouldn't know, it
was theater, but he did.

- Um.
- Did he?

- You know who's doing it now?

Ian McKellen, you shall not have the ring.

- Ian McKellen, speaks
like that with a slight,

however he fancies northern flat vowels.

- Yes, Gracias.

- Finito.

- Muchas Gracias.

Thank you.

- You're missing a bit of
confidence, you see, because Ian--

- Yes, well, no, I think
you're overplaying that

because, you see--

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, he's acting in the role.

You don't quite get it.

- I've spoken to him.
- I can speak.

- Oh, you do a McKelloff.
- I have actually met him.

- I have met him many times.
- I've met him many times.

How many times?
- Many times.

Oh, you don't get the
musicality when he throws a line

up to the gods,
- That was good.

- and then brings it back down,

but still with the flat vowels.

They are very much in evidence,

however much he may try to be,

pursue pronunciation with the vowels.

- Oh, you do make me laugh, you really,

you do make me laugh.

Oh, we need a laugh, don't we?

Oh, you do make me laugh, Rob, you do.

- That's what he said to me.
- He do that more in private?

- Because when he met me, he said,

"You're a very good actor."

(speaking foreign language)

- Ah.
- Ooh, yum.

- [Server] Enjoy.

- You asked for this.
- I did ask for this.

Do you want to come back with me?

I can get you on the same flight.

- No, I'll stay, thank you,

and I'm gonna write
more and finish my book.

- I think the word you're
looking for is start.

Thinkin' about Joe.

20 is a young age to have a child.

- How old were you when you had your kids?

- 43.

- Bit of a difference.

- Yes.

I didn't drink 'til I was 35,

and the first child at 43.

Are the two related?

We'll never know.

- How old, what's her
name, the girlfriend?

- Helen, she's 19.

(Emma gasps)

- 19?
- Gosh.

- Only 19 years old.

- [Together] She was only 19 years old!

- I don't mean any
disrespect, Steve, but...

- She was only 19, she was only,

you've got to get the voice better.

- Well, you've got me most in
your voice when you say it.

- She was only.
- Now he has.

- She was 19 years old.

- Joe has met a young lady.

- She was only 19 years old.

- When Joe and Helen had a child

she was only 19 years old.

- She was only, it's
actually 16 in the film.

- I know that, but Helen
was only 19 years old.

And she had the child with Joe.

She had a grandfather who was so talented,

who was so gifted.

- He was only.

- The grandfather was only 50 years old.

- 50 years old.

Hey, do you know who was born in Malaga?

- No.
- Picasso.

- Who?
- Picasso.

- Is that true?

- Yeah, they're openin' a museum to him.

- Who played Picasso
in a very popular film

in the last 10 years?
- Oh, god.

- Who was it?

No, ask Emma.

- Who played Picasso?

Guess, it's one of Rob's five impressions.

That should narrow it down.

- It wasn't Tom Jones.
- Antonio?

No, not allowed.
- It wasn't Tom Jones.

Okay, we're gettin' closer.

We're gettin' warmer.
- Spanish, Spanish.

I don't know.
- Tony Hopkins.

Tony Hopkins played in Surviving--

- Did he?

- Surviving Picasso, I played
the painter, wonderful man.

I don't like to talk about it.

I like to draw.

I like to put the eyes
here, the nose there,

the mouth up there.
- He played Picasso

as a Welshman?

- Well, he didn't do a
Spanish accent, Steve.

- Did he not?

- He doesn't have your
versatility, let's be honest.

- He learned to paint, and
he painted the paintings

in a fiddlety way.

He knew how to instill life,
and he knew how to, uh,

you know, paint, uh, the way these as--

- Uh, Pablo, Pablo.

Some of the men are saying
that you're painting

in a very strange way.

They're saying that the nose
is where the eyes should be.

Some of them are saying you're a Cubist.

- Oh, Pablo?

Is it not captain or sir, hm, eh?

- There are rumblings, Pablo.

- Oh, they want me to put the
nose in the front of the face.

In the middle, like that, that it?

And the eyes next to the
nose, is that what you want?

- Yes, sir.
- Well, tell the men,

when we put the nose by the cheekies,

and we put the eyes up here,

and the mouth 'round the corner,

I was asail 'round the Cape of Good Hope,

goddam your eyes, sir.

- I put the eyes where I want to,

and the nose where I want to.

If you turn your back on me,

I shall put two eyes on your back,

and a nose down by your ass.

Do you want that, sir?

Is that what you want, sir?

Don't turn your back on me.

I will draw you like a
Cubist, that's what I'll do.

If you turn your back on me,

I'll put a nose on your bottom, sir.

'Round the Horn is a good way,

'round the Horn we shall go.

- The most interesting
thing about Picasso is,

why I love him, his early paintings

are very orthodox, very accessible.

He knew how to do all that,
but he said that's not enough.

I want to rewrite the rule book,

and be radical and avant garde.

- Are you a bit like Picasso, Steve?

- Well, I empathize with what he did.

- Yes, he is, he is, he is.

He's gonna say it.

- [Steve] What I'm saying is--

- [Rob] Let me record
this, hang on, hang on.

(speaking foreign language)

- I've got a reservations, Steve Coogan.

- This castle is Gibralfaro,

named after the same man as Gibraltar.

When the Moors came in 711,
they were only a few thousand.

Within a couple of years they controlled

almost all of Spain.

- Wow.
- That's exactly the same

as ISIS and the modern caliphate,

because there's only a
few thousand of them,

and yet they control half
of Syria and half of Iraq.

They're trying to emulate
what the Moors did

when they had control everywhere
from Cordoba to Baghdad.

- Well, ISIS aren't tolerant.

They're not doing it with tolerance and--

- No, they're not, but Islam, uh, is--

- Can we stop talking about ISIS?

- Cervantes was captured
by Barbary pirates

and taken to Algiers.

There was a price on his head,
and when the ransom was paid,

he let his brother go instead of him.

- Very noble.
- Is that true?

- [Emma] That is true.

- He let his brother go,

when he could have gone.
- Yeah.

- Wow.
- I know.

- Not sure I'd do that.

Would you do that, let your brother go?

- Uh, (blows out) probably not.

- No, I don't think I would either,

with the best one in the world.

- [Emma] No.

If my child we there,
they could take my child.

- Oh, yeah, absolutely.

- I'd let any child go.

- Any child?

- Any child, as long as it, you
know, I mean, not any child.

I mean, it has to be worth the effort.

- Cervantes, when he tried
to escape, he's captured,

he had a noose around his neck.

He was talking to Hassan,
the leader of Algiers,

and he became his lover to
literally save his neck.

- Bum or neck?
- Yeah.

- If that's what it comes down to, yes.

- [Emma] Life or bum.

- Well, either way your buggered.

- Let me say now, I'm in.

- Really?
- He's in, rather, he's in.

- Ah, but they became lovers,
so it would be in-out-in-out.

- You see that ferry?

- [Emma] Yeah.

- [Steve] That's the ferry for Africa.

- Really?
- Mm.

(slow piano music)

It's always good to say
goodbye in the mist.

Like, uh, end of Casablanca.

- Could be the start of
a beautiful friendship.

- Be the start of a beautiful friendship.

- Could be the start

of a beautiful friendship.
- You gotta get the depth.

- I got the depth right there.

- [Steve] Look at that mystical city.

- Right, I'm gonna make a move.

Um, early flight.

- [Emma] Yeah, me too, actually.

- Oh, mm.

- [Emma] Mm, oh.

- We say our goodbyes now.

- Okay, okay.

- [Emma] Yeah, sure
you're gonna be all right?

- Yeah, no, so, uh, I'm really
looking forward to this week.

Writing, and...

- All right, good.

- Buona via, you know.

Hey, what can we say?

- It's been a week.

- It has.
- And I'll see you--

- In another country.

- [Rob] In the future.

- [Steve] In the future.

- [Rob] Have fun now.

- [Steve] Yeah, okay.

- Bye.

- [Rob] And we disappear into the mist.

Could be the start of
a beautiful friendship.

(seagulls squawking)

(sighs)

(sighs)

- [Steve] Buenos Dias.

- Hi.

- Oh, you're English.

- Yeah, my name is Ambrose,
I'm the son of the owners here.

- Oh, right, great, great.

- [Ambrose] Can I help you with your bags?

- [Steve] Yeah, sure, yeah.

- So this will be your room.

- Wow this is great, yeah, very cozy.

- Now, we thought there were
going to be two of you, but...

- Yeah, my son was gonna
come, but he couldn't make it.

- [Ambrose] Oh, I see.

I'll leave you now.

- Okay.

How old are you, by the way.

- 17.

- (chuckles) Oh, okay,
thank you, thanks, Ambrose.

(sighs)

- [Rob] Guess who it is!

- [Sally] Hey.

How's it been?

- [Rob] It was good.

- [Sally] Yeah?

- [Rob] Where's the team, where ya at?

- We're all here.

- Where are you?

- Hey.
- Good to see you.

Oh, we missed you.
- Come on.

- Daddy!

(grunts and groans)

- How's my girl?
- Good.

- You're good?
- Good.

- Who's your favorite parent?

- You.
- Yay!

- Great, yeah.

- [Steve] Hey.

- [Mischa] Hi, how are you?

- I'm good.

- Where are you?

- I'm in, uh, Andalusia, in the mountains.

It's great.

- Is Joe there?

- No, he's not, no.

Look, you should come out here.

- I can't.

- Why not, what is it, work?

- I just can't.

- Why, why not?

- I'm pregnant.

- What?

- [Mischa] Yeah, I know, it's stupid.

- Is it mine?

- No.

(sighs)

- Is it Adam's?

- [Mischa] Yeah.

- [Steve] Are you sure?

- Pretty sure.

- I thought you weren't
sleeping with him anymore.

- Look I gotta go, he's
waiting for me downstairs.

- Wait, what, he's back in New York?

- Yeah, look, I gotta go.

I'm sorry.

Take care.

(phone beeps)

(dogs barking and howling)

♪ Turtle on your head

- It's the number one song in the charts,

Turtle On Your Head.

- I thought Charlie was gonna be in bed.

- Technically he's in bed,
now aren't you, Charlie?

This is still his favorite part.

(speaking foreign language)

- Oh, I've missed you.

- I've missed you, too.

But now he was back, and there's no reason

that we can't resume hostilities,

as we did before we left.

(Charlie crying)

- Oh, god.

- Right, that's you, not me.

- No, it's your turn.

- You can climb over.

- Come on.

- I've been doing it all week.

- [Rob] I've been away for a week.

- Quickly, and then we can get
back to what we were doing.

- [Rob] Oh, no, the moment's
gone, you can forget that.

- All right, I'll fall asleep.

- [Rob] That's him right
there, did you drop him?

Have you dropped him, eh?

Did you want him?

Yes.

Dragon looked back from the
top of the castle, he said,

I think you're scared of me.

I'm the biggest dragon in the whole world.

It's an orange, isn't it.

- [Chloe] Yeah.

- All right, Chloe, have a gorgeous day.

Mommy's picking you up, okay,

but I'll be home when you get back.

♪ Like a circle in a spiral

♪ Like a wheel within a within a wheel

- Love you.

- [Chloe] Bye.

♪ Never ending or beginning
- See you, have a good day.

♪ On an ever-spinning wheel

♪ Like a snowball down a mountain

♪ Or a carnival balloon

♪ Like a carousel that's turning

♪ Running rings around the moon

♪ Like a clock whose hands are sweeping

♪ Past the minutes of its face

♪ And the world is like an apple

♪ Whirling silently in space
(sighs)

♪ Like the circles that you find

♪ In the windmills of your mind

♪ Like a tunnel that you follow

♪ To a tunnel of its own

♪ Down a hollow to a cavern

♪ Where the sun has never shone

♪ Like a door that keeps revolving

♪ In a half-forgotten dream

♪ Or the ripples from a pebble

♪ Someone tosses in a stream

- Hey, Joe, it's Dad.
♪ Like a clock whose hands

♪ Are sweeping past
the minutes of its face

- Everything's okay, call me.
♪ And the world is

♪ Like an apple
- Let's, uh

♪ Whirling silently in space

- touch base on what's going on.

♪ In the windmills of your mind

♪ Keys that jingle in your pocket

♪ Words that jangle in your head

♪ Why did summer go so quickly

♪ Was it something that you said

♪ Lovers walk along a shore

♪ And leave their footprints in the sand

♪ Is the sound of distant drumming

♪ Just the fingers of your hand

♪ Pictures hanging in a hallway

♪ And the fragment of a song

♪ Half-remembered names and faces

♪ But to whom do they belong?

♪ When you knew that it was over

♪ You were suddenly aware

♪ That the autumn leaves were turning

♪ To the color of her hair

♪ Like a circle in a spiral

- Hello, hey, how you doin'?

- Where are you, it's noisy?

I thought you were in the mountains.

- That's just the streets here in Malaga.

- You're not in a bar, are you?

- No not a bar, no, no.

Hey, listen, uh, okay, so,

I'm calling because, uh,
um, I want to be with you.

- I know, but--

- I don't care about the baby.

I mean, I do care about the baby.

What I mean is, I, I,

yeah, I'll, uh, I'll bring it up with you.

You know, we can raise it together.

It'll have two dads.

Lots of people do that.

- Yeah, lots of gay men.

- See, so he'll have,
like, two dads and one mom,

that's, will be a lucky kid.

- You know, I dunno.

- I'm in New York, you're in London.

- I'll move to New York.

I love New York, you know that.

(clock bell ringing)

Why, why don't you come out?

- I don't know.

- Tell you what, we can
go to the Atlas mountains.

Do you remember that hotel
that you really like?

I mean, I can get a ferry from here, so...

Yeah, I can almost see Africa from here.

(peaceful music)

- (flapping lips) Ooh-Wah-Wah.

Oh-Wah.

Ooh-Wah.

(sighs)

(bell dinging)

Ugh.

(yawning)

(birds chirping)

Hello.

Nice surprise.

You're here already.

- [Mischa] I've been waiting for you.

- I've missed you.

- I missed you.

I love you.

(sighs)

(wind whistling)

(clicking and whirring)

Oh, fuck.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

- [Emma] Oh, hello, Rob?

- Hiya, Emma?

- I was just wondering,
have you heard from Steve?

- No, why, should I?

- He's checked out of the hotel, and I,

I don't know where he is.

- Is he lost in La Mancha?

- Yeah, he's normally on the
phone to me 10 times a day,

which is why I'm a bit worried.

- He'll be sitting
somewhere talking to a nun,

and (inhales) asking if
she's heard of Judi Dench.

(wind whistling)

(sighs)

(speaking foreign language)

♪ Round like a circle in a spiral

♪ Like a wheel within a wheel

♪ Never ending or beginning

♪ On an ever-spinning reel

♪ Like a snowball down a mountain

♪ Or a carnival balloon

♪ Like a carousel that's turning

♪ Running rings around the moon

♪ Like a clock whose hands are sweeping

♪ Past the minutes of its face

♪ And the world is like an apple

♪ Whirling silently in space

♪ Like the circles that you find

♪ In the windmills of your mind

♪ Like a tunnel that you follow

♪ To a tunnel of its own

♪ Down a hollow to a cavern

♪ Where the sun has never shone

♪ Like a door that keeps revolving

♪ In a half-forgotten dream

♪ Or the ripples from a pebble

♪ Someone tosses in a stream

♪ Like a clock whose hands are sweeping

♪ Past the minutes of its face

♪ And the world is like an apple

♪ Whirling silently in space

♪ Like the circles that you find

♪ In the windmills of your mind

♪ Keys that jingle in your pocket

♪ Words that jangle in your head

♪ Why did summer go so quickly?

♪ Was it something that you said?

♪ Lovers walk along a shore

♪ And leave their footprints in the sand

♪ Is the sound of distant drumming

♪ Just the fingers of your hand

♪ Pictures hanging in a hallway

♪ And the fragment of a song

♪ Half-remembered names and faces

♪ But to whom do they belong

♪ When you knew that it was over

♪ You were suddenly aware

♪ That the autumn leaves were turning

♪ To the color of her hair

♪ A circle in a spiral

♪ A wheel within a wheel

♪ Never ending or beginning

♪ On an ever-spinning reel

♪ As the images unwind

♪ Like the circles that you find

♪ In the windmills of your mind