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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:07,121 I'd just like to say thank you all for being here for our first year, 2 00:01:07,122 --> 00:01:10,912 all of our lovely residents, all looking so smart, 3 00:01:10,913 --> 00:01:16,726 and for choosing us here at Lark Hall, and for having a bit of faith in us. 4 00:01:17,288 --> 00:01:19,912 And Merry Christmas! 5 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,142 Merry Christmas! 6 00:01:25,955 --> 00:01:28,726 Merry Christmas. 7 00:01:33,038 --> 00:01:34,579 Cheers. 8 00:01:34,580 --> 00:01:37,476 And a Happy New Year. 9 00:01:44,497 --> 00:01:47,329 When a man grows old 10 00:01:47,330 --> 00:01:49,537 and his balls grow cold, 11 00:01:49,538 --> 00:01:53,476 and the tip of his prick turns blue... 12 00:01:55,247 --> 00:02:00,412 when it bends in the middle like a one-stringed fiddle, 13 00:02:00,413 --> 00:02:03,809 he can tell us a tale or two. 14 00:02:06,205 --> 00:02:08,996 What did Father Christmas bring? 15 00:02:08,997 --> 00:02:11,601 I don't believe in him. 16 00:02:12,455 --> 00:02:15,142 I shan't see another Christmas. 17 00:02:16,038 --> 00:02:21,412 Mind you, if I was like her, I'd shove my head in the gas oven. 18 00:02:40,413 --> 00:02:43,142 Uhhh... 19 00:02:45,622 --> 00:02:47,809 Mummy! 20 00:02:48,372 --> 00:02:49,912 Mum! 21 00:02:49,913 --> 00:02:52,642 What? I'm busy! 22 00:02:55,163 --> 00:02:57,287 Eugh! 23 00:02:57,288 --> 00:03:00,309 Arnold's dead. 24 00:03:09,872 --> 00:03:12,642 Try and be careful! 25 00:03:13,038 --> 00:03:15,829 Can I have my room back now Arnold's dead? 26 00:03:15,830 --> 00:03:20,162 No. But you can get in this sleeping bag when he's finished with it. 27 00:03:20,163 --> 00:03:23,142 Can we have a bit of respect, please? 28 00:03:23,622 --> 00:03:26,142 Don't go in that room, Eddie! 29 00:03:45,413 --> 00:03:48,496 No, you bloody lift him, you idle monkey! 30 00:03:48,497 --> 00:03:53,579 - I'm not Daley shitting Thompson! - All right, Father, keep your hair on! 31 00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:55,518 Set? 32 00:04:03,872 --> 00:04:06,787 I read it in The Daily Express. 33 00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:12,204 90% of small businesses go down the tubes, apparently, in the first year. 34 00:04:12,205 --> 00:04:14,787 I should stop you reading that paper. 35 00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:19,162 Bloke in Scarborough hung himself in his sporting goods shop. 36 00:04:19,163 --> 00:04:22,371 Yeah, but people don't need sporting goods. 37 00:04:22,372 --> 00:04:25,704 They're always going to get old, aren't they? 38 00:04:25,705 --> 00:04:28,809 It's just teething troubles, Steve. 39 00:04:29,122 --> 00:04:31,518 Kiss-kiss. 40 00:05:13,122 --> 00:05:15,621 What do you think you're playing at? 41 00:05:15,622 --> 00:05:18,079 I could have killed you! 42 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,018 Oi! Come here! 43 00:05:24,247 --> 00:05:29,079 And on Boxing Day, we went to the top of Skidby Windmill and I got badge. 44 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,726 No, you got "a" badge. 45 00:05:32,122 --> 00:05:34,642 Edward? 46 00:05:41,122 --> 00:05:45,954 On Christmas Day, Arnold Doughty, 90, went blue and died. 47 00:05:45,955 --> 00:05:49,976 So far, there has been no communication from him. 48 00:06:02,455 --> 00:06:05,121 I think I've made a mistake, all right? 49 00:06:05,122 --> 00:06:08,912 - Just give it a day. Please. - No, I'm fine, thank you. 50 00:06:08,913 --> 00:06:11,412 But we've just moved all that in. 51 00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:16,162 I'm moving it back out again. All right? It's my things, isn't it? 52 00:06:16,163 --> 00:06:18,287 Who is he? 53 00:06:18,288 --> 00:06:23,142 Some gaga old fart Social Services have sent. Lost his wife. 54 00:06:23,413 --> 00:06:26,287 Lives in a camper van. Like Popeye. 55 00:06:26,288 --> 00:06:31,621 Clarence! We can get your stuff just how you like. Take as long as you want. 56 00:06:31,622 --> 00:06:35,037 - That's not a word. - Yes, it is. 57 00:06:35,038 --> 00:06:37,912 - "Taxi". - You're not playing properly. 58 00:06:37,913 --> 00:06:41,621 Remember your first day at school? It's a bit like that. 59 00:06:41,622 --> 00:06:45,329 - It is a bit like that. - The first night's the worst. 60 00:06:45,330 --> 00:06:48,579 - Oh! - I went as mad as her, first few nights. 61 00:06:48,580 --> 00:06:52,746 Be quiet! Otherwise the war will start again. 62 00:06:52,747 --> 00:06:57,621 A lot of jabbering simpletons rushing about, wetting themselves. 63 00:06:57,622 --> 00:07:00,954 People you don't know telling you what to do. 64 00:07:00,955 --> 00:07:04,142 - I'm off. - Hey! 65 00:07:06,288 --> 00:07:08,809 Just give it a go. 66 00:07:12,622 --> 00:07:15,142 This is temporary. 67 00:07:20,580 --> 00:07:23,892 This is only temporary. 68 00:07:24,372 --> 00:07:25,829 OK. 69 00:07:25,830 --> 00:07:28,829 Why doesn't she let him go if he wants to go? 70 00:07:28,830 --> 00:07:32,704 She should do. Then I can move back into my old room. 71 00:07:32,705 --> 00:07:36,559 You can move back if you can pay us 50 quid a week. 72 00:07:38,205 --> 00:07:41,912 Tonight, haunted houses, ghost-hunting 73 00:07:41,913 --> 00:07:44,704 and the search for life after death. 74 00:07:44,705 --> 00:07:49,079 The most famous ghost-hunters and their most famous cases. 75 00:07:55,872 --> 00:07:57,412 Lilian! 76 00:07:57,413 --> 00:08:02,079 - Your daughter is on the phone. - Mavis? Really? 77 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,371 Mavis, oh! 78 00:08:04,372 --> 00:08:08,621 Did a ghost leave these chilling messages asking for prayers. 79 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:12,537 What do you think of their chances? Who's going to win? 80 00:08:12,538 --> 00:08:15,684 I wouldn't like to predict that, Phil. 81 00:08:16,288 --> 00:08:22,101 What do you want ringing wastefully from Canada? A stamp costs hardly nothing! 82 00:08:22,497 --> 00:08:26,912 Mum! I want to watch "Arthur C. Clarke"! Mum! 83 00:08:26,913 --> 00:08:29,412 What do you want doing with those? 84 00:08:29,413 --> 00:08:33,329 Clarence wants to watch "One Man And His Dog". He's paying. 85 00:08:33,330 --> 00:08:36,371 - You're a naughty girl. - It's about ghosts! 86 00:08:36,372 --> 00:08:38,621 We're all naughty girls. 87 00:08:38,622 --> 00:08:41,079 Oh, ball-bearings! 88 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:45,704 Wouldn't mind being alone with that one in a long, dark railway tunnel. 89 00:08:45,705 --> 00:08:49,079 - Can I get my wages, Kath? - Sorry, yeah. 90 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,579 It's very important. It's about recording ghosts! 91 00:08:52,580 --> 00:08:56,579 He's saying what he does when he wants to hunt them. 92 00:08:56,580 --> 00:08:59,496 Steve, come here! 93 00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:04,037 You want to say, "Would you mind coming here if you're not too busy?" 94 00:09:04,038 --> 00:09:06,954 That's what I said. Watch the TV upstairs. 95 00:09:06,955 --> 00:09:11,121 - You ordered me to come in there. - The TV upstairs is haunted! 96 00:09:11,122 --> 00:09:15,496 Why don't you do it then? Please, darling! 97 00:09:15,497 --> 00:09:18,704 Because I came in there last time, dearest. 98 00:09:18,705 --> 00:09:21,621 - You didn't come over here last time. - I did. 99 00:09:21,622 --> 00:09:24,371 Why don't you listen? 100 00:09:24,372 --> 00:09:27,996 Sorry, love. Will you sort out the TV for him? 101 00:09:27,997 --> 00:09:31,412 Ena, you've pinched the knives and forks again! 102 00:09:31,413 --> 00:09:33,434 Yes, sir. 103 00:09:34,455 --> 00:09:38,162 Arnold's ghost must have got into it when he died. 104 00:09:38,163 --> 00:09:42,787 Arnold's ghost has better things to do than hanging around in a telly. 105 00:09:42,788 --> 00:09:45,412 There, ghosts! Are you happy? 106 00:09:45,413 --> 00:09:49,829 Thermometers to detect sudden fluctuations in temperature. 107 00:09:49,830 --> 00:09:52,121 And strange as it might seem, 108 00:09:52,122 --> 00:09:55,121 one might consider bringing a dog or a cat 109 00:09:55,122 --> 00:09:59,746 as animals seem to react to supernatural activity. 110 00:09:59,747 --> 00:10:03,246 Animals also provide much-needed company. 111 00:10:03,247 --> 00:10:06,787 Price's methods were thorough and no nonsense. 112 00:10:06,788 --> 00:10:12,204 Like many scientists of his generation, he believed it was a matter of time. 113 00:10:12,205 --> 00:10:15,809 What do you think happens when you die, Dad? 114 00:10:18,122 --> 00:10:21,412 Can't imagine it's all that different. 115 00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:24,579 A dog or cat allowed to roam freely. 116 00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:30,496 But most of all, it's imperative that the entire building be cleared of inhabitants 117 00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:32,787 to allow the ghost-hunter to work 118 00:10:32,788 --> 00:10:36,412 in controlled conditions without interruptions. 119 00:11:29,372 --> 00:11:31,351 Bastards. 120 00:11:43,372 --> 00:11:45,684 Hello, pigeon. 121 00:12:03,288 --> 00:12:05,809 Are you a magician? 122 00:12:06,580 --> 00:12:08,079 No. 123 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,892 I'm a retired flasher. 124 00:12:12,913 --> 00:12:15,912 This used to be my room until Arnold came. 125 00:12:15,913 --> 00:12:18,287 Who's he when he's at home? 126 00:12:18,288 --> 00:12:22,601 He's not anybody now. He's dead. He died in that bed. 127 00:12:24,455 --> 00:12:29,746 If you see anything supernatural, do you think you can inform me? 128 00:12:29,747 --> 00:12:33,101 Do you think you can bugger off? 129 00:12:40,455 --> 00:12:46,309 Quack-quack! 130 00:12:58,163 --> 00:13:00,142 Ah, ah! 131 00:13:02,622 --> 00:13:04,912 Wuh. Wuh-wuh-wuh... 132 00:13:04,913 --> 00:13:07,412 - What? - One out! 133 00:13:07,413 --> 00:13:10,642 Give me my ball back! 134 00:13:19,830 --> 00:13:21,892 Wuh-wuh-wuh... 135 00:13:26,580 --> 00:13:29,018 Come here! 136 00:13:30,830 --> 00:13:33,287 Come here while I kick you! 137 00:13:33,288 --> 00:13:36,037 You think they sent me here to be abused? 138 00:13:36,038 --> 00:13:38,892 Get stuffed! 139 00:13:44,955 --> 00:13:47,476 This is my house! 140 00:14:18,247 --> 00:14:23,309 Big hand's at six, little hand's at eight, Eddie! 141 00:14:38,288 --> 00:14:40,809 Get out! Clear off! 142 00:14:47,913 --> 00:14:50,204 Come here, you lot! 143 00:14:50,205 --> 00:14:54,934 Come here, come on! Never mind making a bid for freedom! 144 00:15:13,497 --> 00:15:16,829 It's all clear. False alarm. 145 00:15:16,830 --> 00:15:22,079 They are real people, not toys! They were little boys and girls as well once! 146 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:27,767 I don't want to live here! I want things to be like they were. I want my room back! 147 00:15:28,997 --> 00:15:34,579 Mark my words! By the time he's 13, he'll be sniffing glue out of a plastic bag! 148 00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:37,079 Thanks, Lilian. 149 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:41,684 What did you want to say, Edward? What do you want to say? 150 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:04,601 Oh, where are you off to with a grump on? Go on, get yourself off to school. 151 00:16:04,872 --> 00:16:08,392 Tell Mr Kelly you had to go to the dentist. 152 00:16:10,163 --> 00:16:12,121 Idiots! 153 00:16:12,122 --> 00:16:14,142 Cow! 154 00:16:18,038 --> 00:16:20,162 Wankerer! 155 00:16:43,955 --> 00:16:46,037 Mummy! 156 00:16:46,038 --> 00:16:48,351 Dad! 157 00:16:55,997 --> 00:16:59,642 Easy way out. Coward's way out. 158 00:16:59,913 --> 00:17:04,809 Just, you know, a cry for help. That's all. Classic. 159 00:17:05,622 --> 00:17:08,246 - A what? - Never mind, big ears. 160 00:17:08,247 --> 00:17:13,371 Don't say, "That's all," Steve. How could we let him get to that? Poor fella. 161 00:17:13,372 --> 00:17:17,809 We're going to have to cheer this place up a bit. 162 00:17:41,830 --> 00:17:44,768 I'm very sorry for smacking you. 163 00:17:48,122 --> 00:17:50,642 Are you all right? 164 00:17:57,663 --> 00:18:00,184 Come here. 165 00:18:10,622 --> 00:18:13,642 You're very fortunate, you know. 166 00:18:13,913 --> 00:18:16,642 I never met my grandparents. 167 00:18:17,622 --> 00:18:22,726 And my mummy and daddy, too far away for us to see them much. 168 00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:29,309 You've got all these old people around with all these amazing stories. 169 00:18:30,288 --> 00:18:32,809 It's a privilege. 170 00:18:33,622 --> 00:18:35,954 At least I think it is. 171 00:18:35,955 --> 00:18:38,684 Do you...? 172 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,976 Don't be scared of death, love. 173 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,142 It's all right to be sad. 174 00:18:45,622 --> 00:18:47,912 There's no point being scared. 175 00:18:47,913 --> 00:18:52,392 I'm not scared. I just want to know what happens. 176 00:19:10,497 --> 00:19:14,434 - Nurse! - I thought you might want your stuff. 177 00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:18,601 Draw that curtain round. 178 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,309 And give me my left shoe. 179 00:19:27,038 --> 00:19:30,037 - Did you want one? - No... 180 00:19:30,038 --> 00:19:32,101 Ta. 181 00:19:41,122 --> 00:19:43,996 Sorry for setting the fire bell off. 182 00:19:43,997 --> 00:19:47,579 Sorry I put a lot of talcum on your floor and that. 183 00:19:47,580 --> 00:19:50,996 Sorry for not saying sorry when you ran me over. 184 00:19:50,997 --> 00:19:54,351 And that time I chucked dirt on your head. 185 00:19:54,622 --> 00:19:59,434 That's an awful lot of things to be sorry for at such a young age. 186 00:19:59,913 --> 00:20:02,434 Sorry. 187 00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:07,559 Are you a magician? 188 00:20:08,288 --> 00:20:11,642 - I gave it up. - Why don't you start again? 189 00:20:12,622 --> 00:20:15,142 Do me a favour. 190 00:20:19,288 --> 00:20:21,601 When you... 191 00:20:22,163 --> 00:20:24,142 Did... 192 00:20:27,913 --> 00:20:30,954 Did you see any kind of bright white light? 193 00:20:30,955 --> 00:20:34,476 Or a tunnel with Jesus at the end? 194 00:20:34,830 --> 00:20:37,537 As a matter of fact, I did. 195 00:20:37,538 --> 00:20:42,518 This cross-eyed little herbert turned up and yanked me back out. 196 00:20:42,997 --> 00:20:46,642 That's what you should be saying sorry for. 197 00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:51,704 That certain night 198 00:20:51,705 --> 00:20:55,079 The night we met 199 00:20:55,080 --> 00:21:00,746 There was magic abroad 200 00:21:00,747 --> 00:21:04,037 In the air 201 00:21:04,038 --> 00:21:06,442 There were angels 202 00:21:06,490 --> 00:21:11,707 dining at the Ritz 203 00:21:12,038 --> 00:21:16,097 And a nightingale sang 204 00:21:16,112 --> 00:21:21,327 in Berkeley Square. 205 00:21:38,288 --> 00:21:42,912 Can someone inform me what the hell you think you're playing at? 206 00:21:42,913 --> 00:21:47,934 I'm stuck up here on my own with nothing to keep my trousers up with! 207 00:21:57,038 --> 00:21:59,559 Welcome home. 208 00:22:14,622 --> 00:22:18,351 You know, if I want to top myself... 209 00:22:18,872 --> 00:22:21,601 I can jump out the window! 210 00:22:48,663 --> 00:22:51,412 There must be some way we can. 211 00:22:52,997 --> 00:22:57,579 - They say love will find a way. Always. - I don't deserve love from you. 212 00:22:58,747 --> 00:23:03,537 What I deserve is these crippled legs. And reflect on what I've done. 213 00:24:16,663 --> 00:24:19,184 Forget it. 214 00:24:34,163 --> 00:24:36,287 How much did that cost? 215 00:24:36,288 --> 00:24:39,746 You can't put a price on looking good, chucklebum. 216 00:24:39,747 --> 00:24:42,642 How much is looking stupid? 217 00:24:43,372 --> 00:24:45,892 Nice hairdo, Stevie. 218 00:25:01,622 --> 00:25:04,642 You want to watch where you're going. 219 00:25:11,663 --> 00:25:13,787 Is this your grand passion? 220 00:25:13,788 --> 00:25:17,226 Yeah. But I'm not supposed to. 221 00:25:17,622 --> 00:25:20,079 They're all pictures of ghosts. 222 00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:23,746 When they took that, there was no one there. 223 00:25:23,747 --> 00:25:26,392 Apart from that bloke. 224 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:34,601 - Please, please! - What? 225 00:25:35,830 --> 00:25:38,162 - What's his problem? - Who? 226 00:25:38,163 --> 00:25:40,726 Flash Gordon. 227 00:25:43,038 --> 00:25:45,559 He was in a war. 228 00:25:48,580 --> 00:25:50,621 What about the others? 229 00:25:50,622 --> 00:25:54,371 Lilian's miserable. She trumps a lot. Reg gets drunk. 230 00:25:54,372 --> 00:25:57,996 Elsie was a dancing teacher, but now has a plastic leg. 231 00:25:57,997 --> 00:26:00,287 Prudence tears up toilet paper. 232 00:26:00,288 --> 00:26:05,204 Ena thinks she's still the King's housemaid and can't stop stealing stuff. 233 00:26:05,205 --> 00:26:08,787 Clive's had a stroke, so all he can say is, "One out". 234 00:26:08,788 --> 00:26:10,809 "Rage... 235 00:26:11,288 --> 00:26:14,642 "Rage against the dying of the light". 236 00:26:16,830 --> 00:26:20,329 The wheels on the bus go round and round 237 00:26:20,330 --> 00:26:23,412 Round and round, round and round 238 00:26:23,413 --> 00:26:26,996 The wheels on the bus go round and round 239 00:26:26,997 --> 00:26:29,412 All day long. 240 00:26:29,413 --> 00:26:33,746 They do go round and round, don't they? Sometimes. 241 00:26:33,747 --> 00:26:37,329 The dogs on the bus go woof, woof, woof 242 00:26:37,330 --> 00:26:40,079 Woof, woof, woof Woof, woof, woof 243 00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,912 The dogs on the bus go woof, woof, woof. 244 00:26:42,913 --> 00:26:45,037 Jesus Christ Almighty! 245 00:26:45,038 --> 00:26:48,579 All day long All day long 246 00:26:48,580 --> 00:26:52,121 The babies on the bus go waa-waa-waa 247 00:26:52,122 --> 00:26:56,079 Waa-waa-waa Waa-waa-waa. 248 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:59,559 I can't put the two things together. 249 00:27:00,580 --> 00:27:03,412 Lived on my own. 250 00:27:03,413 --> 00:27:05,579 Well, myself and the missus. 251 00:27:05,580 --> 00:27:10,329 You live on your own all your life, then they think it's a great idea 252 00:27:10,330 --> 00:27:13,746 to shove you together with a load of strangers. 253 00:27:13,747 --> 00:27:17,079 And what do the mummies on the bus say? Anyone? 254 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,496 "Screw this," if they've got any sense. 255 00:27:20,497 --> 00:27:23,787 - Everybody all right? - Yes, thank you. 256 00:27:23,788 --> 00:27:26,037 Nice to see you, Clarence. 257 00:27:26,038 --> 00:27:30,329 The mummies on the bus say hush-hush-hush, hush-hush-hush. 258 00:27:30,330 --> 00:27:32,371 Oh, God. 259 00:27:32,372 --> 00:27:35,892 I know something that would cheer you up. 260 00:27:36,288 --> 00:27:38,621 You've got to be bleeding kidding! 261 00:27:38,622 --> 00:27:42,329 Have one of your beers. I want to show you something. 262 00:27:42,330 --> 00:27:46,371 - Are you interested in ghosts? - No, not in the slightest. 263 00:27:46,372 --> 00:27:48,496 - I am. - So I gathered. 264 00:27:48,497 --> 00:27:50,829 I'm trying to catch them on tape. 265 00:27:50,830 --> 00:27:55,246 Where are you going? There's nothing in it. It's all bollocks. 266 00:27:55,247 --> 00:27:57,934 - No, it's not. - It is. 267 00:27:58,247 --> 00:28:02,537 "Samuel Peet - not dead, only sleeping". 268 00:28:02,538 --> 00:28:05,976 He's gonna be pissed off when he wakes up. 269 00:28:08,205 --> 00:28:10,996 This is going to bring my piles down. 270 00:28:10,997 --> 00:28:13,518 I need a coin. 271 00:28:23,247 --> 00:28:26,579 Now you have to dance around it a hundred times. 272 00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:31,392 Their hand comes out and you can ask it questions. Come on. 273 00:28:33,413 --> 00:28:35,392 One. 274 00:28:36,622 --> 00:28:38,684 Two. 275 00:28:41,622 --> 00:28:43,976 98... 276 00:28:45,205 --> 00:28:48,287 - What's happening? - Nothing much. 277 00:28:48,288 --> 00:28:50,601 99... 278 00:28:53,038 --> 00:28:55,517 100. 279 00:29:03,913 --> 00:29:09,246 There's lots of different ways to contact them. S�ances and Ouija boards. 280 00:29:09,247 --> 00:29:11,621 You can stand in front of a mirror 281 00:29:11,622 --> 00:29:16,371 and say someone's name again and again and again, then they'll appear. 282 00:29:16,372 --> 00:29:20,559 - Does this apply to anyone? - No, you have to be dead. 283 00:29:32,997 --> 00:29:35,517 Is that your wife? 284 00:29:36,497 --> 00:29:39,017 She looks like Dame Edna. 285 00:29:40,580 --> 00:29:43,101 Shut up. 286 00:29:43,663 --> 00:29:45,787 Now it's good night from me. 287 00:29:45,788 --> 00:29:49,434 And it's good night from him. Good night. 288 00:29:51,247 --> 00:29:54,121 Good. night! 289 00:29:54,122 --> 00:29:56,642 Good night, sweet ladies. 290 00:29:57,497 --> 00:30:02,601 Thanks for the mystery tour. I'm not that bothered in the future. 291 00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:05,517 My name's Edward. 292 00:30:07,497 --> 00:30:10,017 Mine's Clarence. 293 00:30:13,288 --> 00:30:17,496 Simply because you're near me 294 00:30:17,497 --> 00:30:22,246 Honey, but when you're near me 295 00:30:22,247 --> 00:30:26,746 I'm in the mood for love 296 00:30:26,747 --> 00:30:31,037 Heaven is in your eyes 297 00:30:31,038 --> 00:30:35,412 Bright as the stars we're under 298 00:30:35,413 --> 00:30:39,746 Oh, is it any wonder 299 00:30:39,747 --> 00:30:44,287 I'm in the mood for love? 300 00:30:44,288 --> 00:30:48,746 Why stop to think of whether 301 00:30:48,747 --> 00:30:53,246 This little dream might fade? 302 00:30:53,247 --> 00:30:57,496 We've put our hearts together 303 00:30:57,497 --> 00:30:59,996 Now we are one 304 00:30:59,997 --> 00:31:02,496 I'm not afraid 305 00:31:02,497 --> 00:31:06,496 If there's a cloud above 306 00:31:06,497 --> 00:31:11,976 If it should rain, we'll let it But for... 307 00:31:27,788 --> 00:31:30,309 Annie... 308 00:31:31,288 --> 00:31:33,642 Annie... 309 00:31:36,288 --> 00:31:39,017 Annie? 310 00:31:40,413 --> 00:31:42,809 Annie... 311 00:31:44,455 --> 00:31:47,142 Annie! 312 00:31:49,455 --> 00:31:51,976 Annie... 313 00:31:53,622 --> 00:31:56,017 Annie... 314 00:32:00,038 --> 00:32:02,017 Annie? 315 00:32:11,788 --> 00:32:14,142 Annie... 316 00:32:19,997 --> 00:32:23,329 - Right, I'm knocking off. - That's a good idea. 317 00:32:23,330 --> 00:32:25,412 I'm off down The Ship. 318 00:32:25,413 --> 00:32:29,142 - Do you mind if I get changed in here? - In...? 319 00:32:43,622 --> 00:32:46,537 Did you see "Top of the Pops" last night? 320 00:32:46,538 --> 00:32:49,246 No, I don't watch it. 321 00:32:49,247 --> 00:32:51,767 Who was on? 322 00:32:52,663 --> 00:32:56,309 - No, I... I don't watch it neither. - No. 323 00:32:57,872 --> 00:33:00,162 Are you still with Mike or...? 324 00:33:00,163 --> 00:33:02,976 No, I packed him in. 325 00:33:03,455 --> 00:33:07,496 - We're both going away soon, so... - University? 326 00:33:07,497 --> 00:33:10,912 - That's it. - I wish I'd gone sometimes. 327 00:33:10,913 --> 00:33:16,579 I failed my Geography "A" level. There was another question on the back of the page. 328 00:33:16,580 --> 00:33:22,567 I finished half an hour before everybody else. I'm thinking, "They're bloody slow!" 329 00:33:25,205 --> 00:33:27,684 Do you want a lift? 330 00:33:28,288 --> 00:33:30,412 Yeah, if you like. 331 00:33:30,413 --> 00:33:33,642 Great. I'll just get me jacket on. 332 00:34:04,455 --> 00:34:08,746 You smell like a tart's window box, Steve! What have you got on? 333 00:34:08,747 --> 00:34:13,184 Just something I were bought for Christmas, you know. 334 00:34:21,788 --> 00:34:25,496 This is what I've got to look forward to, is it? 335 00:34:25,497 --> 00:34:30,121 Can't you find something more constructive to do? Learn a skill? 336 00:34:30,122 --> 00:34:33,017 I only want to know what happens. 337 00:34:33,413 --> 00:34:39,329 What happens is... is you think the last thought you're ever gonna think 338 00:34:39,330 --> 00:34:44,309 and then whatever it was that used to be you... just goes. 339 00:34:44,622 --> 00:34:49,684 Christ, it'd be lovely! I've got lots of things I'd like to say. 340 00:34:50,455 --> 00:34:53,746 But the curtain's come down, unfortunately. 341 00:34:53,747 --> 00:34:55,787 That's horrible! 342 00:34:55,788 --> 00:35:01,142 It can't just be black! Don't take the piss! It can't just be black! 343 00:35:23,580 --> 00:35:26,204 Are you waiting for someone? 344 00:35:26,205 --> 00:35:28,537 Yes, a little lad. 345 00:35:31,413 --> 00:35:34,287 Your grandson, is he? 346 00:35:34,288 --> 00:35:36,037 No. 347 00:35:36,038 --> 00:35:38,412 Just a little lad. 348 00:35:52,288 --> 00:35:54,642 Gaylord! 349 00:35:59,788 --> 00:36:02,912 You don't have to come and get me. 350 00:36:02,913 --> 00:36:06,246 Don't you want a game? Nice weather for one. 351 00:36:06,247 --> 00:36:08,726 I don't like football. 352 00:36:09,205 --> 00:36:11,200 I was wondering... 353 00:36:11,252 --> 00:36:15,798 if you might accompany me on an expedition? 354 00:36:24,205 --> 00:36:27,309 Two fat ladies, 88. 355 00:36:29,372 --> 00:36:31,496 The bulb's broken. 356 00:36:31,497 --> 00:36:34,892 Doesn't matter. The darker, the better. 357 00:36:43,038 --> 00:36:46,142 Now, for those of you... 358 00:36:46,622 --> 00:36:49,829 who have never before sat at a s�ance, 359 00:36:49,830 --> 00:36:54,412 there is absolutely nothing to be fearful of. 360 00:36:54,413 --> 00:36:57,121 Ghosts are very friendly sorts. 361 00:36:57,122 --> 00:36:59,704 They like a nice little chinwag. 362 00:36:59,705 --> 00:37:03,787 But they're very scared of loud noises 363 00:37:03,788 --> 00:37:06,204 and sudden movements 364 00:37:06,205 --> 00:37:10,329 which is the reason why they're very rarely to be sighted 365 00:37:10,330 --> 00:37:13,621 in discos and wrestling matches, for example. 366 00:37:13,622 --> 00:37:17,412 You shouldn't joke. It'll make 'em vengeful. 367 00:37:17,413 --> 00:37:22,142 Spirits, please accept my mortal apologies. 368 00:37:25,955 --> 00:37:31,559 Now, who are we hoping to contact tonight? 369 00:37:32,038 --> 00:37:36,184 - Anyone. - OK, we'll try for anyone. 370 00:37:37,522 --> 00:37:39,872 Is there anybody there? 371 00:37:41,240 --> 00:37:44,656 Is there anybody there? 372 00:37:47,705 --> 00:37:51,121 Is someone in here? 373 00:37:54,580 --> 00:37:56,787 - Who is it? - Arnold? 374 00:37:59,788 --> 00:38:01,746 Someone else? 375 00:38:04,455 --> 00:38:06,037 Who? 376 00:38:06,038 --> 00:38:09,684 It's "yes or no" questions only, I think. 377 00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:12,412 Is there life after death? 378 00:38:14,413 --> 00:38:17,184 - What's it like? - Is it nice? 379 00:38:17,622 --> 00:38:20,912 Are there any ghosts in this house? 380 00:38:20,913 --> 00:38:22,829 Oh! 381 00:38:22,830 --> 00:38:27,912 Are there any nice ghosts in this house that don't want to scare anyone 382 00:38:27,913 --> 00:38:30,642 or cause any bother or nothing? 383 00:38:35,622 --> 00:38:37,351 Yeah. 384 00:38:51,122 --> 00:38:55,204 Happy birthday to you 385 00:38:55,205 --> 00:39:00,579 Happy birthday, dear Edward 386 00:39:00,580 --> 00:39:05,537 Happy birthday to you! 387 00:39:05,538 --> 00:39:08,954 - Eddie, good morning! - Good morning. 388 00:39:10,913 --> 00:39:13,351 - Do you like it? - Yeah. 389 00:39:22,288 --> 00:39:24,226 Thanks. 390 00:39:25,288 --> 00:39:28,142 I'm going to have a shave. 391 00:39:30,830 --> 00:39:34,351 Can I have a kiss, please...? Thank you. 392 00:39:37,663 --> 00:39:42,018 It's a special and glorious day today. 393 00:39:42,288 --> 00:39:45,829 - Yeah. - Canada is a country. 394 00:39:45,830 --> 00:39:49,595 And my big God-bothering girl Mavis 395 00:39:49,656 --> 00:39:52,747 is coming from there to see me today! 396 00:39:52,997 --> 00:39:56,329 With her husband who's got a plate in his head. 397 00:39:56,330 --> 00:40:00,912 Of course, she's not a girl now, little man. She's 66 years old. 398 00:40:00,913 --> 00:40:02,996 I'm 11! 399 00:40:02,997 --> 00:40:07,079 Well, she's six times better than you are, isn't she? 400 00:40:18,580 --> 00:40:20,579 Steve! 401 00:40:20,580 --> 00:40:23,392 - What? - Come here! 402 00:40:30,122 --> 00:40:32,371 Oh, fantastic 403 00:40:42,413 --> 00:40:46,309 Someone answer the door! 404 00:40:48,788 --> 00:40:52,412 Who do you think you are? Lord and Lady Aggleshite? 405 00:40:52,413 --> 00:40:54,537 Tradesman's entrance! 406 00:40:54,538 --> 00:40:56,912 Well, shake a leg! 407 00:40:56,913 --> 00:40:58,746 - Oh! - Got her. 408 00:40:58,747 --> 00:41:01,412 - Mum! - Happy birthday, mate. 409 00:41:01,413 --> 00:41:04,496 - Back to your room! Quick sharp! - Is she dead? 410 00:41:04,497 --> 00:41:06,912 No, she's fine, she's fine. 411 00:41:11,788 --> 00:41:14,412 What's all the fuss about? 412 00:41:14,413 --> 00:41:16,954 She's had it. She's only just died! 413 00:41:16,955 --> 00:41:20,142 Now stop that. Stop what you're doing! 414 00:41:35,705 --> 00:41:39,184 She's just in her room with her things. 415 00:41:43,413 --> 00:41:45,934 It's hard to know what to say. 416 00:41:59,580 --> 00:42:03,621 Eddie, I'm worried this is how the Yorkshire Ripper started. 417 00:42:03,622 --> 00:42:06,746 He won't end up like the Yorkshire Ripper! 418 00:42:06,747 --> 00:42:09,121 Why are you so bloody morbid? 419 00:42:09,122 --> 00:42:12,704 - Cos I live here! - We are doing our best! 420 00:42:12,705 --> 00:42:15,579 We used to go away for the day on my birthday. 421 00:42:15,580 --> 00:42:19,184 It doesn't entitle you to do what you like! 422 00:42:27,038 --> 00:42:29,101 Oh! 423 00:42:33,622 --> 00:42:36,392 I heard Lilian's ghost. 424 00:42:36,705 --> 00:42:41,371 It went "uuuuhhhh". And I was too thick to turn the tape on. 425 00:42:41,372 --> 00:42:47,079 That's the sound of the air passing over the vocal cords as it comes out the lungs. 426 00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:49,809 No, it's not. 427 00:42:50,205 --> 00:42:52,329 Can we do another s�ance? 428 00:42:52,330 --> 00:42:56,704 The proper reaction is to mourn and celebrate their achievements 429 00:42:56,705 --> 00:42:59,329 as human beings, then try to move on, 430 00:42:59,330 --> 00:43:02,246 not stick a microphone up their nose! 431 00:43:02,247 --> 00:43:06,329 I used to have a room with Paddington Bear wallpaper. 432 00:43:06,330 --> 00:43:10,787 Yeah, well, I used to have a beautiful wife and all my own teeth. 433 00:43:10,788 --> 00:43:15,496 Your life changes, buster. And not always for the better. 434 00:43:15,497 --> 00:43:20,768 You accumulate regrets and they stick to you like old bruises. 435 00:43:23,622 --> 00:43:26,226 Sorry. 436 00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:38,726 Many happy returns of the day. 437 00:43:41,580 --> 00:43:44,101 I'll teach you a few tricks. 438 00:43:44,997 --> 00:43:47,579 I'll do you a magic show. 439 00:43:47,580 --> 00:43:50,579 And you can rub out all of today. 440 00:43:50,580 --> 00:43:53,184 And you can ask your pals. 441 00:43:53,622 --> 00:43:56,246 I don't want a party. 442 00:43:56,247 --> 00:44:00,934 Join hands and make contact with the living, son! 443 00:44:01,997 --> 00:44:04,954 You've got to keep it hidden, see? 444 00:44:04,955 --> 00:44:07,934 Keep it in the knuckles. Go on. 445 00:44:09,663 --> 00:44:12,704 You're lucky. You're still flexible. 446 00:44:12,705 --> 00:44:15,018 Go on. 447 00:44:15,455 --> 00:44:18,018 Now make it disappear. 448 00:44:19,288 --> 00:44:21,601 Go on! 449 00:44:23,580 --> 00:44:26,246 Pick it up. 450 00:44:26,247 --> 00:44:28,726 Start again. 451 00:44:29,122 --> 00:44:32,642 It doesn't start until September, does it? 452 00:44:33,413 --> 00:44:35,351 Tanya! 453 00:44:36,080 --> 00:44:39,892 God Almighty! Poor bunch of pricks! 454 00:44:40,830 --> 00:44:43,287 Go on, ask him. 455 00:44:43,288 --> 00:44:45,809 Ask him about your party. 456 00:44:46,288 --> 00:44:48,412 Good afternoon, Bob. 457 00:44:48,413 --> 00:44:52,704 I don't understand. It doesn't take five months to pack! 458 00:44:52,705 --> 00:44:55,809 Tragic, isn't it? 459 00:44:57,122 --> 00:45:02,142 What were her achievements, then? What was she like? 460 00:45:03,122 --> 00:45:07,392 She was a manipulative, passive aggressive... 461 00:45:07,788 --> 00:45:10,309 unkind old asshole. 462 00:45:22,743 --> 00:45:28,537 Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye 463 00:45:29,268 --> 00:45:31,579 Cheerio, here I go 464 00:45:31,580 --> 00:45:34,204 On my way. 465 00:45:34,205 --> 00:45:38,121 Tanya's resigned! Can you believe that? 466 00:45:38,122 --> 00:45:42,121 - She's what? - Can I have a party? I was a prick. 467 00:45:42,122 --> 00:45:46,579 - Where did you pick up that? - Did she give any details? 468 00:45:46,580 --> 00:45:48,996 - I want a magic show. - You were naughty. 469 00:45:48,997 --> 00:45:51,287 - Go on. - Details? 470 00:45:51,288 --> 00:45:53,621 - Mum! - Eddie, get off our backs! 471 00:45:53,622 --> 00:45:56,204 We've got this bloomin' wake. 472 00:45:56,205 --> 00:46:00,912 'Til we meet once again, you and I 473 00:46:00,913 --> 00:46:05,954 Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye! 474 00:46:05,955 --> 00:46:09,309 Maybe we should have a wee dance? 475 00:46:09,788 --> 00:46:13,537 The dancers have all gone under the hill, my dear. 476 00:46:13,538 --> 00:46:19,246 With a cheer, not a tear Make it gay. 477 00:46:19,247 --> 00:46:24,746 Ohhh, go on, then. It'll do you good to have some other kids around. 478 00:46:24,747 --> 00:46:30,204 - She must have said why. - I don't know why you're so upset. 479 00:46:30,205 --> 00:46:33,121 It's me who'll cop for the extra work. 480 00:46:33,122 --> 00:46:35,996 Cos I do sod all around here, don't I? 481 00:46:35,997 --> 00:46:40,976 You know, sometimes I wish we did go bloody bankrupt! 482 00:46:42,122 --> 00:46:46,101 'Til we meet once again, you and I 483 00:46:47,913 --> 00:46:53,142 Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye! 484 00:46:59,455 --> 00:47:04,142 Find the Lady. 5 will get you 10, 10 will get you 20. Money in. 485 00:47:04,997 --> 00:47:07,351 Where is it? 486 00:47:07,830 --> 00:47:10,829 No. There she is. 487 00:47:10,830 --> 00:47:13,621 - Not so bad here, is it? - No. 488 00:47:13,622 --> 00:47:16,412 And the vicar says, 489 00:47:16,413 --> 00:47:20,703 "Madam, this is a ladies bike. 490 00:47:20,764 --> 00:47:23,681 It doesn't have a crossbar". 491 00:47:27,122 --> 00:47:29,642 You see... 492 00:47:30,122 --> 00:47:36,018 she thought she was sitting on the crossbar all the way from Keighley. 493 00:47:37,497 --> 00:47:41,018 - But it was his stiffy. - Yep. 494 00:47:43,455 --> 00:47:46,309 - Everyone all right? - Yeah. 495 00:47:50,080 --> 00:47:52,601 Fucking Christians. 496 00:47:54,413 --> 00:47:59,079 You use two panes of very polished glass for Pepper's Ghost. 497 00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:01,412 At an angle like that. 498 00:48:01,413 --> 00:48:04,162 Annie lies there. Well, your assistant. 499 00:48:04,163 --> 00:48:07,037 - You've had this. - What? 500 00:48:07,038 --> 00:48:12,537 - You've already had this week's money. - I do not believe I have had this week's. 501 00:48:12,538 --> 00:48:15,768 - Don't you? - No, sunshine, I don't. 502 00:48:16,247 --> 00:48:21,351 - Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. - Bugger off! 503 00:48:25,622 --> 00:48:29,746 It can just be very small-scale. It could just be me and you. 504 00:48:29,747 --> 00:48:32,912 - What could? - My birthday party. 505 00:48:32,913 --> 00:48:37,996 I have been trying to draw you out of yourself, in case you hadn't twigged. 506 00:48:37,997 --> 00:48:40,912 God, what's the worst that could happen? 507 00:48:40,913 --> 00:48:43,037 Kids eat some cake 508 00:48:43,038 --> 00:48:47,094 and we lift the grim bloody pallor of mortality, 509 00:48:47,176 --> 00:48:49,914 for a few glorious moments. 510 00:48:50,122 --> 00:48:52,642 OK, this one. 511 00:48:53,663 --> 00:48:56,787 Got. Got. Need. 512 00:48:56,788 --> 00:48:59,976 - Oi. - What? 513 00:49:00,872 --> 00:49:04,809 - Have we got PE? - Of course. Spastic. 514 00:49:08,788 --> 00:49:11,142 Hey. 515 00:49:13,913 --> 00:49:16,476 Shit! 516 00:49:20,788 --> 00:49:22,246 Wow! 517 00:49:22,247 --> 00:49:25,537 - Do it again. - The light is on! 518 00:49:25,538 --> 00:49:28,579 The light is on! 519 00:49:28,580 --> 00:49:33,537 You've got to flex it between your knuckles. Don't drop it. 520 00:49:33,538 --> 00:49:37,829 Flex it in your what-nots. Bleedin' hell. 521 00:49:37,830 --> 00:49:40,976 You've got to practise, you know. 522 00:49:41,455 --> 00:49:47,309 Have you been prac... Give us your whatsit's doo-dah there. 523 00:49:48,122 --> 00:49:51,184 You're not going to leave, are you? 524 00:49:52,122 --> 00:49:55,476 Why do you write so much on your arms? 525 00:49:56,497 --> 00:50:01,371 Shall we go and get some magical items for your party? 526 00:50:01,372 --> 00:50:06,829 Don't jump off the roof, Dad You'll make a big hole in the yard 527 00:50:06,830 --> 00:50:10,579 Mother's just planted petunias 528 00:50:10,580 --> 00:50:14,162 The weeding and seeding was hard 529 00:50:14,163 --> 00:50:17,579 If you must end it all, Dad 530 00:50:17,580 --> 00:50:20,746 Why don't you give us a break? 531 00:50:20,747 --> 00:50:24,746 Take a walk in the park, Dad 532 00:50:24,747 --> 00:50:28,579 And there you can jump in the lake! 533 00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:34,101 Oops-a-daisy! 534 00:50:36,122 --> 00:50:38,579 This is where we are, then. 535 00:50:38,580 --> 00:50:43,768 Find some items to make your party go with a swing. 536 00:50:51,122 --> 00:50:53,246 It's funny. 537 00:50:53,247 --> 00:50:55,912 You spend your life accumulating stuff 538 00:50:55,913 --> 00:51:00,101 and then you can't find anywhere to put it. 539 00:51:02,497 --> 00:51:05,018 Imagine that. 540 00:51:05,497 --> 00:51:08,642 Imagine all the money I've spent. 541 00:51:09,122 --> 00:51:12,184 All the bloody work I've done. 542 00:51:25,872 --> 00:51:27,912 There. 543 00:51:27,913 --> 00:51:30,579 I had a fine woman, you know. 544 00:51:30,580 --> 00:51:33,434 She was very artistic. 545 00:51:33,913 --> 00:51:36,309 Very gentle. 546 00:51:37,663 --> 00:51:39,996 We were very happy. 547 00:51:39,997 --> 00:51:42,579 - What does this do? - Tells the time. 548 00:51:42,580 --> 00:51:47,621 - Is it magic? - No. It's a grandfather clock. 549 00:51:47,622 --> 00:51:52,412 You've got to give them the patter, otherwise they'll latch on to you. 550 00:51:52,413 --> 00:51:56,537 - What's patter? - She was very good at that as well. 551 00:51:56,538 --> 00:51:59,768 She helped me write my funny lines. 552 00:52:01,122 --> 00:52:04,142 I met her at Euston Station. 553 00:52:04,622 --> 00:52:07,079 Well, I saw her. 554 00:52:07,080 --> 00:52:10,018 She passed me by. 555 00:52:10,497 --> 00:52:12,579 I went after her. 556 00:52:12,580 --> 00:52:17,579 I had a ten-bob note in my pocket. You don't see them any more. 557 00:52:17,580 --> 00:52:19,621 They were red. 558 00:52:19,622 --> 00:52:23,746 So I took it out and I said, "Excuse my intrusion, Miss, 559 00:52:23,747 --> 00:52:26,537 "but I think you might have dropped this". 560 00:52:26,538 --> 00:52:31,392 And she said, "Oh, gosh! I did. Thank you". 561 00:52:31,872 --> 00:52:33,809 Yeah. 562 00:52:34,288 --> 00:52:37,392 So I took her to Lyons Corner House. 563 00:52:38,122 --> 00:52:41,934 We had a long bun, as it were. 564 00:52:43,455 --> 00:52:47,142 And that, as they say, was that. 565 00:52:52,955 --> 00:52:55,351 Oh, God. 566 00:52:59,663 --> 00:53:03,912 I haven't the faintest idea why they scrapped 'em. 567 00:53:03,913 --> 00:53:07,976 Tanners and florins and shillings. 568 00:53:08,580 --> 00:53:13,329 You don't know what change you're getting nowadays. And... 569 00:53:13,330 --> 00:53:15,642 And... 570 00:53:17,080 --> 00:53:20,184 Where is this? 571 00:53:26,247 --> 00:53:29,142 Clarence? 572 00:53:30,122 --> 00:53:32,204 - Patter. - What?! 573 00:53:32,205 --> 00:53:36,809 - Misdirection. - Clarence, you're...! Clarence! 574 00:53:50,372 --> 00:53:52,496 Sorry, I... 575 00:53:52,497 --> 00:53:57,371 Don't jump off the roof, Dad 576 00:53:57,372 --> 00:54:01,684 You'll make a hole in the yard. 577 00:54:06,497 --> 00:54:09,392 You OK? 578 00:54:26,122 --> 00:54:28,579 When I was a nipper, 579 00:54:28,580 --> 00:54:30,746 I used to... 580 00:54:30,747 --> 00:54:35,287 I remember looking up, lying on my back, 581 00:54:35,288 --> 00:54:39,142 and looking up at the stars 582 00:54:39,622 --> 00:54:43,621 and thinking what a great, big university it is. 583 00:54:43,622 --> 00:54:45,579 Universe. 584 00:54:45,580 --> 00:54:51,568 And all them stars, well, you know, now they're very, very small. 585 00:54:53,455 --> 00:54:57,079 It's all... shut up shop 586 00:54:57,080 --> 00:55:00,787 and the stars, you know, they don't... 587 00:55:00,788 --> 00:55:03,184 what-not. 588 00:55:05,663 --> 00:55:09,184 And the whole... bloody thing 589 00:55:11,122 --> 00:55:13,412 has ended up... 590 00:55:13,413 --> 00:55:15,976 on little... 591 00:55:18,122 --> 00:55:20,642 me. 592 00:55:23,580 --> 00:55:26,518 You can take it to a garage. 593 00:55:26,872 --> 00:55:29,934 What? Oh! 594 00:55:38,788 --> 00:55:41,704 You see, when you die... 595 00:55:41,705 --> 00:55:45,017 then you come back to life. 596 00:55:45,497 --> 00:55:49,579 You know, actually, you're born again. 597 00:55:49,580 --> 00:55:52,121 Then you die again 598 00:55:52,122 --> 00:55:55,642 and, afterwards, you come back to life. 599 00:55:59,122 --> 00:56:01,809 Sounds exhausting. 600 00:56:04,247 --> 00:56:08,309 I want to come back as an animal. 601 00:56:08,788 --> 00:56:12,537 A rabbit or a badger. Or something. 602 00:56:12,538 --> 00:56:16,621 - I like badgers. - What's so good about badgers? 603 00:56:16,622 --> 00:56:21,579 I like badgers because they're bad-tempered and they look good. 604 00:56:21,580 --> 00:56:26,101 And... you can make sporrans out of badgers. 605 00:56:27,122 --> 00:56:31,746 But if you came back as a person, you get a chance to put it right again. 606 00:56:31,747 --> 00:56:34,079 Let me tell you a secret. 607 00:56:34,080 --> 00:56:37,246 Being a person is a pain in the arse. 608 00:56:37,247 --> 00:56:41,142 - No, it's not! - Yes, it is! 609 00:56:46,288 --> 00:56:49,184 - Clarence? - What? 610 00:56:49,663 --> 00:56:53,787 If you die, will you come back and see me? 611 00:56:53,788 --> 00:56:57,162 Jesus wept! Chuck that thing away! 612 00:56:57,163 --> 00:57:01,892 Chuck it away! Chuck my bloody tricks away! 613 00:57:17,497 --> 00:57:20,162 What did you do that for?! 614 00:57:20,163 --> 00:57:24,912 I'm pissing against the wind. I'm drenching my mackintosh. 615 00:57:24,913 --> 00:57:28,101 You don't come back, son! 616 00:57:28,580 --> 00:57:32,017 Once they've gone, you can't talk to them! 617 00:57:33,122 --> 00:57:38,246 If I could just say to her, "I'm sorry". If I could tell her I was bloody sorry, 618 00:57:38,247 --> 00:57:41,309 what a difference that would make. 619 00:57:41,788 --> 00:57:46,912 - She's dead, son! She divorced me. - Who? 620 00:57:46,913 --> 00:57:49,621 Annie. I wouldn't settle down. 621 00:57:49,622 --> 00:57:55,559 I couldn't keep it in my trousers. I was a good-looking fella. 622 00:57:57,663 --> 00:58:02,017 Then one day I came back home and she'd... 623 00:58:06,497 --> 00:58:11,642 Many years later, I got a letter saying that she'd... 624 00:58:14,872 --> 00:58:18,392 I was too late for her bloody funeral! 625 00:58:20,413 --> 00:58:23,976 I've never even seen her grave! 626 00:58:25,122 --> 00:58:27,329 It's hard... 627 00:58:27,330 --> 00:58:32,579 to get this far and realise there's absolutely bloody nothing! 628 00:58:32,580 --> 00:58:36,537 - You said you were happy. - Who's happy? 629 00:58:36,538 --> 00:58:41,579 - We could do another s�ance. - Don't be retarded. I made it up. 630 00:58:41,580 --> 00:58:45,037 - What? - Sod off! I want to be by myself. 631 00:58:45,038 --> 00:58:49,037 - Clear your own stuff up! - I will! 632 00:58:49,038 --> 00:58:51,976 Badgers are stupid! 633 00:59:05,497 --> 00:59:08,579 - Sorry, love! - Coo-ee! 634 00:59:08,580 --> 00:59:14,142 - You getting your rabbit in your hat? - No, I'm shoving it up your bum! 635 00:59:33,872 --> 00:59:36,621 Makes you think, doesn't it? 636 00:59:36,622 --> 00:59:38,246 No. 637 00:59:38,247 --> 00:59:42,579 I wasn't really thinking about anything very much. 638 00:59:42,580 --> 00:59:45,684 I was thinking about having my dinner. 639 00:59:48,288 --> 00:59:54,142 No, I mean about life being too short. All that balls. 640 00:59:56,288 --> 00:59:59,309 What's the matter, Stevie? 641 01:00:02,663 --> 01:00:06,579 Kath and I used to have an awful lot of fun. 642 01:00:06,580 --> 01:00:09,121 It just seems to escape you. 643 01:00:09,122 --> 01:00:11,371 Oh, Christ, Tanya. 644 01:00:11,372 --> 01:00:15,329 Don't go to university. Stay here. We could date. 645 01:00:15,330 --> 01:00:17,996 - What?! - Do you think I'm attractive? 646 01:00:17,997 --> 01:00:21,412 - Hold your horses! I'm 18. - It's fantastic. 647 01:00:21,413 --> 01:00:25,246 - What are you? Like 45? - No, I'm 39! 648 01:00:25,247 --> 01:00:28,309 Going on bloody geriatric! 649 01:00:30,788 --> 01:00:35,912 Kidder? I'm thinking of doing the Card-Finding Duck. 650 01:00:35,913 --> 01:00:37,912 Go away! 651 01:00:37,913 --> 01:00:41,829 - It takes two people. - Tough titty! 652 01:00:41,830 --> 01:00:44,976 I don't want any bloody magic! 653 01:00:52,788 --> 01:00:58,537 Ranjit, who in the previous book was called John, has got six marbles. 654 01:00:58,538 --> 01:01:02,204 Zulema, who used to be Samantha, has got 12. 655 01:01:02,205 --> 01:01:05,162 And Keith, thank goodness, 656 01:01:05,163 --> 01:01:07,287 has got four. 657 01:01:07,288 --> 01:01:12,309 What percentage of the bag does each one have? 658 01:01:13,080 --> 01:01:15,809 Five minutes. 659 01:01:16,538 --> 01:01:20,787 - I don't want to go! - Pack it in, the both of you! Manners! 660 01:01:20,788 --> 01:01:23,537 But it's an old folks' homo! 661 01:01:23,538 --> 01:01:26,537 Oh, God, what's that smell? 662 01:01:26,538 --> 01:01:31,601 - Eew! It's wee! - No wonder he's a complete weirdo. 663 01:01:32,872 --> 01:01:36,145 Happy birthday to you 664 01:01:36,404 --> 01:01:40,315 Happy birthday to you 665 01:01:40,350 --> 01:01:44,912 Happy birthday, dear Edward 666 01:01:44,913 --> 01:01:50,142 Happy birthday to you! 667 01:01:52,622 --> 01:01:57,976 - Go on, make a wish. - Quick, before that senile old bat! 668 01:02:06,622 --> 01:02:09,476 Did you make that smell? 669 01:02:10,663 --> 01:02:14,579 Carry on! Carry on! 670 01:02:14,580 --> 01:02:18,579 - Let me do it. - No. I am perfectly capable. 671 01:02:18,580 --> 01:02:24,162 - Him, he's out! He moved! - I've been moving since 1917! 672 01:02:24,163 --> 01:02:26,892 I can't do anything else. 673 01:02:39,372 --> 01:02:43,517 Get up, you. Reg the Hair. 674 01:02:44,163 --> 01:02:47,037 Get up. Get up! 675 01:02:47,038 --> 01:02:48,579 Oh! 676 01:02:48,580 --> 01:02:50,976 Now move. 677 01:03:39,038 --> 01:03:42,204 Can you do your magic show? 678 01:03:42,205 --> 01:03:44,517 What? 679 01:03:47,663 --> 01:03:50,684 You sure? 680 01:04:10,288 --> 01:04:13,601 Have you got any kids? 681 01:04:18,372 --> 01:04:23,079 Now then, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, 682 01:04:23,080 --> 01:04:28,559 please put your hands together for The Amazing Clarence! 683 01:04:29,788 --> 01:04:33,559 Thank you. 684 01:04:35,622 --> 01:04:41,121 I'm not the sort of magician who drags you through endless mysteries. 685 01:04:41,122 --> 01:04:44,101 I'm pretty straightforward. 686 01:04:47,497 --> 01:04:52,351 - And I don't do card tricks. - Awww! 687 01:04:56,622 --> 01:04:59,142 Well, maybe one or two. 688 01:05:00,622 --> 01:05:04,912 Would you take a card for me, please? Any card, any card. 689 01:05:04,913 --> 01:05:08,912 Thank you. Look at it. Don't tell me what it is. No, no. 690 01:05:08,913 --> 01:05:11,037 Don't tell me. 691 01:05:11,038 --> 01:05:14,787 Put it back. I have a friend who will do that for me. 692 01:05:14,788 --> 01:05:17,162 Ronald, the Card-Finding Duck. 693 01:05:17,163 --> 01:05:20,309 He is going to find your card for you. 694 01:05:21,122 --> 01:05:23,829 Oh! Oh! 695 01:05:23,830 --> 01:05:26,996 Quack, quack! 696 01:05:26,997 --> 01:05:31,496 Can I have another brave volunteer, please? 697 01:05:31,497 --> 01:05:34,412 You? Another volunteer? 698 01:05:34,413 --> 01:05:37,912 Come on, come on. Who? Who? 699 01:05:37,913 --> 01:05:42,621 - You, sir? - No, no, absolutely not! No, no, no. 700 01:05:42,622 --> 01:05:47,162 - They'd sit knitting and eating frogs. - Eugh! 701 01:05:47,163 --> 01:05:52,309 And watching people having their heads cut off. 702 01:06:02,413 --> 01:06:05,392 A carrot! 703 01:06:06,705 --> 01:06:10,621 Unfortunately, they found that the guillotine 704 01:06:10,622 --> 01:06:15,809 was susceptible to the power of raspberries. 705 01:06:16,913 --> 01:06:20,621 They found that if you got enough people... 706 01:06:20,622 --> 01:06:24,746 to blow raspberries, the blade would be diverted 707 01:06:24,747 --> 01:06:27,642 from its fatal course. 708 01:06:28,122 --> 01:06:32,579 Which is why I need your help. OK? 709 01:06:32,580 --> 01:06:35,976 Let's have a dry run. 710 01:06:53,913 --> 01:06:55,829 OK. 711 01:06:55,830 --> 01:06:58,162 I think we're ready. 712 01:06:58,163 --> 01:07:00,226 Blow! 713 01:07:03,247 --> 01:07:05,226 Aiiiee! 714 01:07:05,705 --> 01:07:08,517 Aaaargh! 715 01:07:23,872 --> 01:07:27,204 - I've wrapped it in a bag of peas. - Thank you. 716 01:07:27,205 --> 01:07:29,412 - No, no, son! - Let me go! 717 01:07:29,413 --> 01:07:34,309 - Any other medication? - Yes. I'm on pills for my... 718 01:07:36,622 --> 01:07:39,351 Well, I'll be buggered. 719 01:07:48,247 --> 01:07:51,517 Don't put your finger in it! 720 01:07:57,872 --> 01:08:00,934 One out. 721 01:08:23,038 --> 01:08:25,162 Did you have any? 722 01:08:25,163 --> 01:08:27,329 It's gone crusty. 723 01:08:27,330 --> 01:08:30,392 Go on. Why don't you have some, eh? 724 01:08:31,080 --> 01:08:34,996 - Let's get the candle lit. - I don't want any! 725 01:08:34,997 --> 01:08:37,434 Have some cake. 726 01:08:44,622 --> 01:08:48,746 - What's the matter? - I live in an old people's home! 727 01:08:48,747 --> 01:08:51,412 So do I! It's not easy for anybody! 728 01:08:51,413 --> 01:08:56,162 This'll be the place you send your elderly loved ones to have bits chopped off! 729 01:08:56,163 --> 01:09:00,746 - It was an accident! - He's not your grandad, Eddie! 730 01:09:00,747 --> 01:09:03,767 I wish he was my dad! 731 01:09:04,247 --> 01:09:08,912 Well, he's going senile. Haven't you noticed? 732 01:09:08,913 --> 01:09:13,912 So you'll just have to settle for Mr Knobhead here. 733 01:09:13,913 --> 01:09:16,996 - Why did you say that?! - He'll find out. 734 01:09:16,997 --> 01:09:18,756 Eddie... 735 01:09:19,048 --> 01:09:23,231 some people don't die just like that, you know, not like Lilian. 736 01:09:23,266 --> 01:09:26,746 Some people, they take a bit longer. They fade. 737 01:09:26,747 --> 01:09:30,079 - I know what senile is! - There's Daddy and me. 738 01:09:30,080 --> 01:09:34,579 - We are NOT going to fade away. - Yes, you are! You are! 739 01:09:34,580 --> 01:09:37,579 You shouldn't get so involved. 740 01:09:37,580 --> 01:09:40,392 What about you? Getting involved! 741 01:09:44,497 --> 01:09:49,996 Oh, Christ, Tanya. Don't go to university. We could date. 742 01:09:49,997 --> 01:09:54,704 - Do you think I'm attractive? - Hold your horses! I'm 18. 743 01:09:54,705 --> 01:09:57,787 - It's fantastic! - What are you? 45? 744 01:09:57,788 --> 01:10:01,996 No, I'm 39! Going on bloody geriatric! 745 01:10:01,997 --> 01:10:07,121 - Don't have an affair with me, Stevie. - I can't support my family. 746 01:10:07,122 --> 01:10:11,496 I'm a rotten bloody father, a terrible husband and nobody but you 747 01:10:11,497 --> 01:10:14,496 has a single bloody second for me. 748 01:10:14,497 --> 01:10:17,892 You're like a breath of fresh air, Tanya. 749 01:10:19,497 --> 01:10:22,184 I think I love you. 750 01:10:22,872 --> 01:10:25,392 I do. 751 01:10:42,413 --> 01:10:47,079 Maybe if you paid me a bit of attention every now and again! 752 01:10:47,080 --> 01:10:51,204 What's the bloody problem with getting your head down? 753 01:10:51,205 --> 01:10:54,496 Can you not see beyond a pair of tits? 754 01:10:54,497 --> 01:10:57,912 I have never been unfaithful to you. Not in 15 years! 755 01:10:57,913 --> 01:11:00,579 You just undermine me, Steve. 756 01:11:00,580 --> 01:11:05,162 All the time, you never do anything other than complain! 757 01:11:05,163 --> 01:11:07,746 It's exhausting! 758 01:11:07,747 --> 01:11:11,079 - Why don't you just go? - Oh, come on! 759 01:11:11,080 --> 01:11:14,142 I'm sick of it! Go! 760 01:11:45,663 --> 01:11:48,412 - There. - Oh... 761 01:11:48,413 --> 01:11:53,579 - You look nice in that tie, Reggie. - Thank you. 762 01:11:53,580 --> 01:11:57,496 But you never have it quite straight, do you? 763 01:11:57,497 --> 01:11:58,746 No? 764 01:11:58,747 --> 01:12:02,704 We've got to straighten you out a bit in general. 765 01:12:02,705 --> 01:12:05,287 Oh, yes. I suppose so, yes. 766 01:12:05,288 --> 01:12:07,934 Come along. 767 01:12:13,663 --> 01:12:16,184 It's half eight, love. 768 01:12:17,663 --> 01:12:19,996 Come on, get up. 769 01:12:19,997 --> 01:12:22,518 I want a talk. 770 01:12:38,497 --> 01:12:40,809 Edward? 771 01:12:42,997 --> 01:12:45,309 Eddie? 772 01:12:51,955 --> 01:12:56,079 On Sunday, we went to Edward's birthday party. 773 01:12:56,080 --> 01:13:02,018 There was a wizard who cut an old man's finger off. It were extremely wicked. 774 01:13:09,372 --> 01:13:12,579 An old person and a young person, please. 775 01:13:12,580 --> 01:13:15,142 One eighty. 776 01:13:16,080 --> 01:13:19,746 - That's a lot of ready cash. - He's my grandad. 777 01:13:19,747 --> 01:13:25,101 - Are you? - Possibly. There have been many women. 778 01:13:28,663 --> 01:13:33,142 When are we going home, then? Come on. 779 01:13:34,122 --> 01:13:37,476 I wanna be where my stuff is. 780 01:13:42,288 --> 01:13:45,787 Come 'ere! Oi! 781 01:13:45,788 --> 01:13:50,559 Come 'ere! 782 01:13:51,705 --> 01:13:55,329 That was a cheap bloody trick! Pull the red thing. 783 01:13:55,330 --> 01:13:59,037 - Too late. We're going. - Pull the whatchamacallit! 784 01:13:59,038 --> 01:14:02,142 I will if you tell me what it's called. 785 01:14:03,080 --> 01:14:05,726 Well, I know it's red. 786 01:14:07,997 --> 01:14:10,746 What's a divorce like? 787 01:14:10,747 --> 01:14:13,037 - What? - A divorce. 788 01:14:13,038 --> 01:14:15,954 A bit tricky, I should think. 789 01:14:15,955 --> 01:14:18,079 Come on! 790 01:14:18,080 --> 01:14:21,204 - Is it still there? - What? 791 01:14:21,205 --> 01:14:24,912 - Is it? - What's the matter? 792 01:14:24,913 --> 01:14:28,621 Is the... Is the ground still there? 793 01:14:28,622 --> 01:14:32,101 Look - ground! Sky! Ground! 794 01:14:32,413 --> 01:14:34,037 Ow! 795 01:14:34,038 --> 01:14:37,309 - Oi! - Concentrate! 796 01:14:40,080 --> 01:14:44,601 Any danger of a cup of tea and a pork pie? 797 01:14:45,872 --> 01:14:48,809 Did I already ask that? 798 01:14:50,497 --> 01:14:54,018 - Thank you. - Stay here. 799 01:14:56,288 --> 01:15:00,601 My name... is Clarence Parkinson. 800 01:15:01,497 --> 01:15:04,726 And England is my nation. 801 01:15:05,872 --> 01:15:09,518 My teacher's name is... Mr Scott. 802 01:15:10,080 --> 01:15:13,621 And Christ is my... 803 01:15:13,622 --> 01:15:15,537 salvation. 804 01:15:15,538 --> 01:15:19,184 Clarence! Come here! 805 01:15:28,872 --> 01:15:33,518 - That's the same name as my missus. - I know. 806 01:15:40,497 --> 01:15:41,787 Oh. 807 01:15:41,788 --> 01:15:43,726 No... 808 01:15:46,080 --> 01:15:48,309 Oh. God. 809 01:15:53,988 --> 01:15:55,414 Sod off. 810 01:15:56,880 --> 01:15:59,096 Sod off! 811 01:16:00,241 --> 01:16:02,160 Sod off! 812 01:16:05,528 --> 01:16:07,548 Sod off! 813 01:16:13,080 --> 01:16:17,746 - Sod off... - Put them down, then. Put them down. 814 01:16:17,747 --> 01:16:19,912 Get it off your... Don't! 815 01:16:19,913 --> 01:16:22,351 Don't. You... 816 01:16:22,788 --> 01:16:25,121 You've spoilt them. 817 01:16:25,122 --> 01:16:27,121 Yeah. 818 01:16:27,122 --> 01:16:31,537 I've spoilt... all these nice flowers, ain't I? 819 01:16:31,538 --> 01:16:34,184 It's all right. 820 01:16:43,622 --> 01:16:47,912 Know what they're gonna say on my gravestone? 821 01:16:47,913 --> 01:16:52,184 "Here lies Clarence B Parkinson. 822 01:16:52,663 --> 01:16:55,621 "He was born, he effed it up 823 01:16:55,622 --> 01:16:58,809 "and then he died. " 824 01:16:59,663 --> 01:17:02,204 What's your name? 825 01:17:02,205 --> 01:17:04,912 - Eh? - Edward. 826 01:17:04,913 --> 01:17:07,309 Edward... 827 01:17:07,788 --> 01:17:10,787 Things aren't exactly 828 01:17:10,788 --> 01:17:13,684 as they ought to be. 829 01:17:15,663 --> 01:17:18,809 Have you any idea what it is? 830 01:17:20,705 --> 01:17:23,642 There's something the matter. 831 01:17:31,497 --> 01:17:37,351 The name on that gravestone is the same name as my wife. 832 01:17:45,455 --> 01:17:50,309 Leave it. I'm gonna go call my mum. 833 01:17:56,913 --> 01:18:01,496 Today's the first time we've spent more than half an hour with each other 834 01:18:01,497 --> 01:18:06,912 without a bloody fogey or shitty arse or liquidised bloody carrots in the way 835 01:18:06,913 --> 01:18:12,246 for a year. Because our kid's run off because he hates us so much 836 01:18:12,247 --> 01:18:14,746 because of what we do. 837 01:18:14,747 --> 01:18:18,434 That isn't why. What we do is good. 838 01:18:19,080 --> 01:18:22,162 We didn't go to university, Steve. 839 01:18:22,163 --> 01:18:26,287 You asked me to marry you. We had a baby. 840 01:18:26,288 --> 01:18:29,809 Do you remember how much... 841 01:18:31,080 --> 01:18:34,996 Do you remember how hard we tried for him? 842 01:18:34,997 --> 01:18:37,226 Yeah. 843 01:18:38,872 --> 01:18:41,787 That was the journey we decided to make. 844 01:18:41,788 --> 01:18:44,746 And there might be a few less "dates" 845 01:18:44,747 --> 01:18:48,829 and I might end up looking like my mother, but... 846 01:18:48,830 --> 01:18:51,226 Sorry. 847 01:18:57,038 --> 01:18:59,579 It's not that way, love. Just over here. 848 01:18:59,580 --> 01:19:03,976 - I thought it was outside. - You come with me. That's it. 849 01:19:06,872 --> 01:19:10,621 You argue with your mates sometimes, right? 850 01:19:10,622 --> 01:19:15,142 And obviously your mum and me... sometimes... 851 01:19:17,288 --> 01:19:20,018 I can be a grumpy bum. 852 01:19:22,080 --> 01:19:25,184 It's no fault of yours, love. It's just... 853 01:19:30,080 --> 01:19:33,601 Are you not going to live at home? 854 01:19:34,080 --> 01:19:36,976 I don't know. 855 01:19:38,705 --> 01:19:41,996 Hey, but you must never think, ever, 856 01:19:41,997 --> 01:19:46,746 that you're not absolutely the most important thing in the world 857 01:19:46,747 --> 01:19:49,226 to your mum and me. 858 01:19:51,663 --> 01:19:54,684 Do you understand? 859 01:20:01,372 --> 01:20:04,768 When's he going to die? 860 01:20:07,872 --> 01:20:13,184 We'll look after him. Just like we look after everybody. 861 01:20:15,163 --> 01:20:20,287 I'm a little bit bored with you men and your problems at the moment, Edward. 862 01:20:20,288 --> 01:20:24,746 Sometimes you just have to learn to let things go. 863 01:20:24,747 --> 01:20:27,142 I know. 864 01:20:31,372 --> 01:20:33,142 Eh? 865 01:20:35,497 --> 01:20:40,579 - There you are. Where have you been? - Go back to sleep. 866 01:20:40,580 --> 01:20:44,246 - I've been looking for you! - Oh, God help us. 867 01:20:44,247 --> 01:20:47,162 Another woolly one who can't cope. 868 01:20:47,163 --> 01:20:49,496 Annie... 869 01:20:49,497 --> 01:20:52,351 I'm sorry, pigeon. 870 01:20:54,622 --> 01:20:58,746 That's all I wanted to say. Just to tell you... that I'm sorry. 871 01:20:58,747 --> 01:21:03,329 I got distracted, love. If I had my time over again... 872 01:21:04,931 --> 01:21:06,627 If I had it again... 873 01:21:07,859 --> 01:21:10,041 - Annie... - I forgive you. 874 01:21:54,872 --> 01:21:57,621 Marty, I'll be very sad to see you go. 875 01:21:57,622 --> 01:22:01,412 You've really made a difference in my life. 876 01:22:01,413 --> 01:22:05,537 Just knowing I'm going to be around to see 1985, 877 01:22:05,538 --> 01:22:09,601 that I'm going to succeed in this and travel through time! 878 01:22:15,080 --> 01:22:19,996 It's going to be really hard to wait 30 years to talk to you about this. 879 01:22:19,997 --> 01:22:23,434 I'm really going to miss you, Marty. 880 01:22:23,788 --> 01:22:26,976 I'm really gonna miss you. 881 01:22:29,622 --> 01:22:32,537 Ace one, wasn't it? That one was magic. 882 01:22:32,538 --> 01:22:36,579 - Like the bit with the skateboard? - I was there, too. 883 01:22:36,580 --> 01:22:40,746 - Oh, no. You sure? - Yeah. You coming in? 884 01:22:40,747 --> 01:22:43,496 A couple of minutes can't hurt. 885 01:22:43,497 --> 01:22:48,037 - But you did like it, though? - It was good, Dad! 886 01:22:48,038 --> 01:22:52,642 - Can I have a word? - Most assuredly. 887 01:22:56,288 --> 01:22:59,226 With him. 888 01:24:13,080 --> 01:24:15,787 Getting to be spring again. 889 01:24:15,788 --> 01:24:18,579 It's October. 890 01:24:18,580 --> 01:24:22,621 The leaves are looking very nice on the, er... 891 01:24:22,622 --> 01:24:25,246 large plants you get in the garden. 892 01:24:25,247 --> 01:24:29,204 - Trees. - You're not doing that trick right. 893 01:24:29,205 --> 01:24:33,621 You've got to give it some patter. Words. Why don't you... 894 01:24:33,622 --> 01:24:37,579 What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head? Russell. 895 01:24:37,580 --> 01:24:40,037 Or a licence plate on his head? Reg. 896 01:24:40,038 --> 01:24:43,142 - A man with a car on his head? - Seatbelt? 897 01:24:45,497 --> 01:24:47,537 Good lad! 898 01:24:47,538 --> 01:24:50,996 - Can I have my fiver now? - Your what? 899 01:24:50,997 --> 01:24:55,371 - You said you'd give me a fiver. - What a load of bollocks. 900 01:24:55,372 --> 01:24:58,518 Come in. 901 01:25:00,663 --> 01:25:02,996 - Ready for the off? - Where to? 902 01:25:02,997 --> 01:25:05,142 Pictures? 903 01:25:06,080 --> 01:25:09,351 Ta-ta for now. 904 01:25:44,497 --> 01:25:49,579 I was wondering whether you wanted to move back into your old room. 905 01:25:49,580 --> 01:25:52,309 I'm OK where I am. 906 01:25:54,080 --> 01:25:57,184 He was some magician, wasn't he? 907 01:25:58,497 --> 01:26:01,392 Oh, come here. 908 01:26:34,413 --> 01:26:38,101 Oh, yeah? He shoots, he scores! 909 01:26:40,372 --> 01:26:43,518 Come on, then! Pass it! 910 01:26:52,455 --> 01:26:54,809 One out! 911 01:27:08,080 --> 01:27:11,309 Go on, then. 912 01:27:11,830 --> 01:27:14,726 Nice one, old man 913 01:27:33,705 --> 01:27:36,287 Come on! 914 01:27:36,288 --> 01:27:38,684 One out! 915 01:27:52,122 --> 01:27:54,642 Oh, look! 916 01:27:55,247 --> 01:27:57,642 Abracadabra! 917 01:27:59,080 --> 01:28:01,392 Oh... 918 01:28:07,622 --> 01:28:10,768 Where are you going? 919 01:28:16,288 --> 01:28:17,996 Out. 920 01:28:17,997 --> 01:28:21,912 - That's all. - You never go out. 921 01:28:21,913 --> 01:28:26,037 Well, things are different now, aren't they? 922 01:28:26,038 --> 01:28:29,351 Why do you have to put make-up on? 923 01:28:29,830 --> 01:28:32,142 Because... 924 01:28:32,622 --> 01:28:37,559 Oh, I don't know. Makes you feel a bit more human. 925 01:28:39,455 --> 01:28:41,621 You look like a vampire. 926 01:28:46,080 --> 01:28:48,809 Cheers, big ears 927 01:28:58,080 --> 01:29:00,601 You look nice! 928 01:29:12,163 --> 01:29:13,829 Hi. 929 01:29:13,830 --> 01:29:16,976 - Are you ready? - Yeah. 69077

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