Original subtitles

Dear Walter,

I am so pleased to hear that Valentine is settling in well.

From what you say, it will not be long

before he has a job, a house and a wife.

Until then, please ensure that he rubs in extra Vaseline.

I don't want his elbows to go dry.

Also, as the pound is strong...

Agnes!

- Why is this pot empty? - Who turned the immersion heater on?

I filled it three days ago. It should last a week.

We never turn the immersion heater on!

- Hmm. - Hmm.

Hey!

I love the light. The electric in Freetown is much better!

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com

Masters of the Universe...

- You know this story is from an African legend? - Really?!

Of course, really. In Africa they invented everything.

I mean, look at the size of that cat!

Valentine! Come here.

Someone's in trouble!

By the power of Grayskull!

Hey!

Make room.

Cool.

OK, Vallie, listen.

- You have been here for about two weeks. - Three and a half!

You have been here for three and a half weeks. OK?

- I mean... - Bo, what is your plan?

To finish watching the programme with the big cat, then go to the pub.

No. What is your plan for work, Plan A.

I've got work, as a DJ!

Hm. Working one night a week as a DJ is not a job.

- Uh... What is your Plan B? - To be a footballer!

You need to get proper work

so you can fill this pot with cash money instead of emptying it!

- It's just that I'm already working! - Huh?

Yesterday, I helped a man move a fridge.

Tomorrow, I'm doing electrics and painting for a woman I met in the pub.

- Really? - I mean proper full-time work!

- Ooh, I'm not sure I'm the ten to three kind of man! - Help me!

Listen, people work nine to five here in this country.

- Hey, bo, that's a very long time. - It is a long time, yes.

- What about Plan F for factory? - F for factory. Which factory?

You are the shop steward. You can get him an interview.

Agnes...

You can do that? He's best friends with the manager!

- I wonder why. - I wonder why.

Get me an interview and I will go and be Mr Charm-Charm!

Hey!

Listen, you won't be bloody Mr Charm-Charm,

you'll be Mr Sense-Sense!

I'm trying to get you a job, not convince somebody to sleep with you!

Ah, did Mummy dress you in the dark again?

Oh, my God, she's bleeding!

She's tried to draw a heart on her tummy like a Care Bear!

Hah!

Looks more like she's in care!

What do you fancy doing tomorrow, eh?

What do you mean?

I thought we could spend the day together.

- Anniversary! - Oh!

Ye... Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That'll be nice. Yeah.

- Book a Berni Inn? - Mm!

- Yeah? Prawn cocktail? - Prawn cocktail.

- Steak. - Steak!

- Half a bottle of Yugoslavian wine. - A whole bottle!

- Get Mum to look after the kids. - Mm.

- Place to ourselves. - Mm.

What's up, pigeon? You want Mummy to wash your belly for you?

- Oi! - Hah.

Don't change the subject.

- All right. - Remember?

- Just me and you. Mm? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Good!

OK, Bobby?

Jerry, bring me a biscuit.

Rajesh, you have two minutes?

I have one minute.

You know, my brother has just moved here from Sierra Leone...

He wants a job.

- Uh, yes. - No chance.

There's barely enough work for people we've already got.

He's just moved to this country. He has no job, no money.

Neither did I when I first came here,

but I worked my way up from the shop floor.

We can't all have friends on the inside.

Didn't your uncle get you a job here?

- Second cousin. - Hm.

Carry on.

He's driving my wife crazy! You know, really crazy.

He's always at home playing music and drinking my beer. So...

And she's got me by the... Oh, you know? She's got me...

- Andakosh. - Andakosh?

Andakosh. You know, "bollocks".

You call them andakosh?

What do you people call them?

- Bollocks. - Oh!

Will your brother be happy sweeping up and making tea?

Two of his favourite things!

OK. Tell him to come and see me tomorrow at four.

- You're a good guy, you know that? - I know.

OK. You know what I like about you?

You don't talk no andakosh!

What do you think? I might wear it tomorrow.

Hey, it's very short!

- If I get to go. - Hm.

Bagpipes doesn't like going out out.

Have you been using the Afro comb I gave you?

Well, if I'm honest,

I'm down to brushing her hair probably once a fortnight.

- Once a fortnight?! - Nobody can stand the screaming!

We'll go to Shepherd's Bush market and get some more products, huh?

Yeah.

Kirsty!

Your anniversary should be a celebration of your romance. Hm?

Agnes,

you know Bagpipes. His idea of romance is buying me half of Argos.

Do you remember last year? The set of steak knives?

- That mini hi-fi! - Yes! And the exercise bike!

The exercise bike! It's like I'm on Bullseye!

Here you are. Take a look at this. It's Japanese.

It's called a microwave oven.

Don't you already have an oven?

Yeah, but not one that can cook a baked potato in ten minutes.

Bagpipe, I beg.

Buy your wife something romantic, eh?

It is romantic!

It's got a special cavity magnetron

that converts high voltage electricity into radiation.

Compared to a conventional oven,

the kilowatt-to-hour efficiency is staggering.

Are you good with electrical work?

Yeah. I know everything there is to know about electrics.

I can strip wire with my hands tied behind my back, blindfolded.

Why would you do this blindfolded?

Oh, I see. Um...

Well, it's for training, isn't it?

For power cuts. You've got a lot to learn, my friend.

Well, tomorrow, I have a job changing the lights in a flat.

Oh, yeah? Sounds like you might need a bit of help.

How about 50 quid for the day?

Oh, no, no, no. No, thank you.

- All right. 40. - 20.

- I won't go lower than 30. - 25.

Deal! Hey!

Yeah. So, uh,

do you, um, do you have electricity in Africa?

Of course! Back home we have our fastest animals.

Leopards, lions, cheetahs.

They run on spinning wheels, making electricity.

Yeah? Really?

Ah, Bagpipe!

Without fools, there would be no wisdom.

So...

- So you do have electricity? - No!

Only a fool would test the depth of a river with both feet.

Stop talking in bloody proverbs! Have you got it or not?

OK! Of course we do! 20 or 30 watts, 50Hz, single phase.

So tomorrow, you might want to bring some tools.

That's fine. I've got the lot. What are you missing?

Tools.

So you've got your basics, right.

Your blues, your neutral, your browns, your live.

Your stripes is your...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? - This is where we are working.

I'm not going in there! That's Number 72!

- What do you mean? - It's a knocking shop!

Then I won't knock, eh?

Now, I want all these bare bulbs replacing with flame effect wall lamps,

- cos they're more romantic. - OK. No problem.

And you can give the place a lick of paint, as well, if you have time.

OK!

I know you.

- Have you been here before? - Oh, no, madam, I've not.

Not madam, as in, I haven't frequented this establishment. Got it!

Got it! Teeny Acorns.

- Beg your pardon? - Teeny Acorns nursery.

- Oh! - Your little girl goes there.

- I'm Mags. I'm Gary's mum. - Hello to you.

We all say it's so lovely how you look after her,

even though she's, you know, not yours.

Uh, sorry, who's "we"?

Oh just, you know, people at nursery.

The other mums and dads, a few of the staff,

dinner ladies, cleaner, lollipop lady.

Some of the kids, actually.

- Are you all right? - Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, thank God. I thought I'd put my foot in it, then!

I'll make you boys a cuppa.

Oh! Are you next?

Oh. No. Uh, no, thank you, madam.

I won't, on... All right, mate?

..on this occasion.

- On this occasion, I will demur. - All right, love.

Sorry.

Just like I said, disappears this morning.

I haven't seen him since.

Happy Anniversary to me

Kirsty.

What attracted you to Bagpipes in the first place?

Um...

Kirsty!

I dunno!

Just trying to remember!

Three... two... one!

Hooray!

- Here you are, Valentine. - Oi, what the...

- Uh-uh! - Bagpipe. In Africa, we have a saying.

By the time the fool has learned the game,

the players have already gone.

You have a lot to learn, my friend.

I've always liked older men.

And Bagpipes, he's kind,

stable, reliable, you know?

Like they say,

girls marry men like their dads!

Except my dad can be quite a laugh!

Kirsty. Where are you going?

I'm all right. It's my anniversary.

You want to talk to your man. That's him coming out of Number 72, right?

Bagpipe! Delta Boy!

Shit!

How could you do this, huh?

You have brought shame on this family!

What will people think?

What will Kobna think? He looks up to you!

They are good people! They offer me work.

I was working to put money in the...

- Working in a place of shame? - No, no, that's...

..Walter's favourite United mug!

Come up before me. Look at me.

Don't worry. I did nothing more than...

- I don't want to hear it. - I am telling the truth.

If you leave now, you'll still make

the interview your brother went to great lengths to get you.

- Don't worry! He's friends with the man... - Clear out!

Clear out, you bum!

Look where you fit!

♪ Roxanne ♪

♪ You don't have to put on that dress tonight ♪

♪ Walk the streets for the money ♪

♪ You don't care if it is wrong or if it's right ♪

I just need you to explain to me, Bagpipes.

Look, I wasn't...

I thought it was sex generally that you weren't into.

No, no, no.

Or is it just sex with me that you don't like?

- Oh, for God's sake! - Why won't you talk to me?

I can't get a bloody word in edgeways!

Well, go on, then.

Talk.

Cos we've needed to for a long time.

About us.

About Melissa.

About my affair.

Where are you going?

- Night fishing. - It's four o'clock in the afternoon!

All right. Fishing, then!

Jerry McKay. Please report to the office immediately. Bring my tea.

So you'll mainly be sweeping up,

making tea, keeping the stock room tidy.

General dogsbody, really.

A dogsbody?

Yes. It means you'll do a bit of everything.

I thought this was an interview to work in the factory.

Yeah. You will be working in the factory.

Sweeping the floor of the factory!

Gina, where are those timesheets, please?

How does that sound? £2.80 an hour.

I thought I would be doing more than push a broom and be a houseboy.

Yeah. Like I say, you'll also be making the tea.

What did you want to do when you came to this country?

- Sorry? - What was your dream?

Hang on, who's doing this interview?

Did you dream about sitting behind a desk offering men £2.80 an hour

- to sweep the floor, make tea? - No.

- I wanted to be a chef. - Hey! Were you a good chef?

I was the best! People would come for miles for my dhoklas!

- Woo! - I wanted to open a little shop in Brick Lane

- and serve the best dhoklas in London! - Yeah!

I'd very much like to taste them.

You're making me hungry! I want to go chop!

Look, I don't know what I want to do, but...

..I know it is not this.

Thank you for your time, Rajesh.

I've wasted my life!

Fuckity-fuck!

Jesus Christ, man, why are you sneaking around on people like that?

I thought you were a burglar! I was about to beat you with this stick.

It's not a stick. It's a fence post.

- Actually, you've got a good one. - Man, would you shut up?

Kirsty kicked you out again?

No.

No, I walked out, on my own terms.

I see. So your own terms is to sleep in the garage next to a lawnmower

instead of sleeping in your bed next to your wife.

Let's have a drink, Bagsy. Come on.

Hey, house boy.

Sorry about the... The shouting.

- Did Mum hit you? - No!

She tried, but I was like...

Hey, shh!

Uncle, what's a prostitute?

Hey...

A, uh, prostitute...

..is a lady that...

..cheers you up when you are feeling down or lonely.

You know, this is something you should talk to your father about.

- Does Dad know about prostitutes? - Yes... No!

A-hem. Please stop saying prostitute, hey?

Have you done something wrong?

I'm trying to do the right thing in my own way,

but I made things worse.

Maybe a prostitute could help.

Night!

Night!

Can I ask you a personal question?

You've known me for ten years. You've never asked me a personal question.

All right. Forget it.

Just ask the bloody question.

How would you feel if your wife slept with a black man?

She does.

Every night. Sometimes twice.

You know what I mean.

What if... What if Agnes slept with another man?

If Kobna wasn't yours.

And not only that, everyone knew she'd done it.

- That would never happen. - But what if it did?

- It would never happen. - Yeah, but if it did, what would you do?

That would never happen, and if it did happen, I would be angry.

- Yeah. Sure. - And I would ask her

- why she did that filthy nasty... - Absolutely.

And then I would find the guy

- that she slept with... - Yep.

- I would chop off his bollocks. - That's exactly what I did.

You chopped off the guy's bollocks?

- No. No, that never happened. - Oh.

I went night fishing.

Came back after a few days. Pretended everything was fine.

Like I pretend I'm Melissa's dad.

Which I'm not.

And things are not fine.

Three years ago today, she told me Melissa wasn't mine.

On our bloody anniversary!

You know what I think, man?

I think you need to speak to your wife.

Yeah, could do, I suppose.

Maybe go away for the weekend, or something.

And you know what else I think?

No, but I've got a feeling you're gonna tell me anyway!

Well, I think you are Melissa's daddy.

Don't take the piss!

I'm not taking the piss. I'm not talking biologically,

I'm talking about what's in here.

Huh?

Were you there the day she was born?

- You know I was! - OK.

Are you there to sing her songs when she wants to go to bed?

Eh? To look after her when she's sick?

To wipe her bottom when she's done her poo-poo?

Does she tell you that she loves you?

Just... Don't you dare.

Bagpipes, there's an old Jamaican saying.

You wore the jacket, man.

Huh?

- I wore the jacket. - You are Melissa's daddy.

No matter what anybody says. You understand?

Yeah.

Yeah, I wore the jacket.

To the jacket-wearers!

Bloody smoke out here.

Bagpipes! You back for more business?

Stay out of your bollocks, Frank!

Kirsty, I want you to know that I have never seen a prostitute.

And?

And I want you to know that I do enjoy sexual intercourse with you.

And I think that we should go away for the weekend, just me and you.

And, yeah, talk.

Anywhere I want?

Within reason.

Paris!

Powys? Yeah, I hear the Llanfair Welshpool light railway is spectacular.

Happy anniversary, Kirst.

Thank you.

- Bloody hell! - Mind yourself. It's a bit heavy. Got it?

- Agnes? - Mm?

- I have something for you. - This?

What is this?

For the pot! I changed the money I was paid for working in the...

- Don't say it! - I did a good job!

I'd rather be a skilled worker in a place like that

than a dogsbody in a factory!

- But... - Stop!

I will fill the pot every week, I promise.

But...

..by earning money in my own way.

OK.

But only one bath a week. I am not running a hotel!

Vallie, what did you say to Rajesh?

The guy came in with dhoklas for everybody!

I had to talk him out of resigning!

Uh, I was just being Mr Charm-Charm.

Hey.

Bloody hell.

It's amazing!

I told you.

You're gonna have to let go of your conventional cooking times now, Kirst.

You can't go wrong with Japanese.

Look, Bagpipes, I just wanna say that...

Ting! Tea's ready!

Dear Mama,

Please don't worry about Valentine. He is looking after himself.

He has not found the right job yet, but he will.

I am enclosing the usual £6.50 for Uncle Foodie.

- Dad... - Mm?

Can I talk to you about something?

Come and sit down. What is it?

What's a prostitute?

OK. Bed time!

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com