All language subtitles for Fawlty Towers - 2x06 - Basil the Rat.DVD.en

You said you'd go.

I didn't say I would,
I said I might.

I've got to do
the accounts tonight.

You don't have to do
the accounts tonight.

- I do.
- It's always the same.

Whenever I want to go out,
you've always got some excuse.

It's not an excuse.
It's just that tonight...

it's not just tonight, it's any night
I want to go out with any of my friends,

anyone at all, any other members
of the human race.

Yes, I wouldn't call the Sherrins
members of the human race.

I'm cooped up in this hotel
all day long.

You never take me out,
the only bit of life I get

is when I get away
with some of my friends.

Well, you must get away
more often, dear.

They all think
you're peculiar.

You know that,
don't you?

They've all said
at one time or another,

how on earth did the two of us
ever get together?

"Black magic," my mother says.

She'd know,
wouldn't she?

Her and that cat.

Shall I get you
the wine list?

Mr. Fawlty?

"Mister"?
Please, call me waiter.

I'll go get a chair
and you can really tuck in.

There's some stuff
in the bin you might like,

potato peelings, cold rice pudding,
that sort of thing...

not exactly haute cuisine,
but it'll certainly help to fill you up.

Sybil, may I introduce
the gentleman

who's just opened
the self-service department here? Mister...

Carnegie.

Mr. Carnegie,
the scavenger gourmet from...

The public health department.

Yes, wh-where
were you born?

Scavenger or down here
in the West country?

Public health department?

Here's the invoice
for the meat, Mr. Carnegie.

It's the six-monthly checkup.

The meat was delivered
on Wednesday.

Yes. That would appear
to be satisfactory.

Oh good. Hope you didn't mind
my little joke just now.

Thank God we English
can laugh at each other, eh?

That's our... our new chef,
just... just left.

Just popped out
for a quick prayer, I expect.

- Mr. Fawlty?
- Hello.

These premises do not come up

to the standard required by this authority.

Unless appropriate steps
are taken instantly,

I shall have no alternative

but to prosecute
or recommend closure

to the appropriate committee
of the council.

Specifically, lack
of proper cleaning routines,

dirty and greasy filters,

greasy and encrusted
deep fat fryer,

dirty, cracked, and stained
food preparation surfaces,

dirty, cracked, and missing
wall and floor tiles,

dirty, marked,
and stained utensils,

dirty and greasy
interior surfaces

of the ventilator hoods.

Yes, about
the deep fat fryer...

Inadequate temperature control
and storage of dangerous foodstuffs,

storage of cooked
and raw meat in same trays,

storage of raw meat
above confectionery,

with consequent dripping
of meat juices

onto cream products,

refrigerator seals
loose and cracked,

ice box undefrosted,

and refrigerator overstocked.

Yes, say no more.

Food handling routines
suspect,

evidence of smoking
in food preparation area,

dirty and grubby
food handling overalls,

lack of wash handbasin...
which you gave us a verbal assurance

you'd have installed
on our last visit six months ago...

and two dead pigeons
in the water tank.

Otherwise, okay?

As I said,
I shall refrain from serving

a food hygiene notice today,
but I shall return tomorrow.

If the items on this list
have not been rectified,

I shall take immediate action.

I have not had time
to inspect the bedrooms

and common passageways,

but I shall be
doing so tomorrow.

Yes, of course.

The only gourmets

you'll find scavenging
in this kitchen

will be kamikaze ones.

Thought we was in trouble
there for a minute.

We are in trouble.

Piece of cake.

Have you read
this piece of cake?

They gotta do that,
ain't they?

It's part of their job.

Terry, this kitchen is filthy!

Filthy Towers, eh?

Now, look...

All kitchens are filthy,
Mr. Fawlty.

In fact, the better the kitchen,
the filthier it is.

Have you ever read

George Orwell's experiences
at Maxim's in Paris?

No, do you have a copy?
I'll read it out in court.

Don't just stand there
gossiping.

Go upstairs.

I'm trying to point out
to our alleged chef...

Go upstairs
and get Manuel,

then check the bathrooms
for soap and paper

and get those pigeons
out of the water tank.

Yes, my little commandant.

And see how many
fire extinguishers are missing.

Come on, Polly.
We'll start in here.

Not in here, puss.

Manuel, I'm sorry.
This is an emergency.

Important, s�?

The health inspector's
just been,

things wrong with hotel.

We put them right
by tomorrow, all right?

Now, Manuel, go up
to the roof, s�?

Yes, s�.

No, no, come.
I haven't told you yet.

Go to the water tank.

Water.

Water tank.
Water on roof, in tank.

S�, s�, s�.

Two dead pigeons,
in tank. Take out.

It's not difficult, Manuel.

This is not a proposition
from Wittgenstein.

Listen, two dead pigeons.
Water tank.

What is funny?

How they get up there?

How'd they?
They flew up there.

That's right.

Will you stop...
will you just...

will you pull...

Not pigs! Pigeons!

�Qu�?

Pigeon, pigeon.

Like your English.

"Piety, piffle,
pig, pigeon!" Pigeon.

"Piggy on..."

Ah!

What is that?

Is my hamster.
"Piggy-on."

Hamster?

S�, s�.
No, pidge-on.

- Manuel, it's a rat.
- Pidge-in.

- It's a rat!
- No, no, is hamster.

Of course it's a rat.

You have rats
in Spain, don't you?

Or did Franco
have them all shot?

No, is hamster.

- It's a rat.
- No, I think so too.

I say to man in shop,
"Is rat."

He says, "No, no, no.
Is a special kind of hamster.

Is Filigree Siberian Hamster."

Only one in shop.

He make special price,
only �5.

Have you ever heard of
the Bubonic Plague, Manuel?

It was very popular
here at one time.

A lot of
pedigreed hamsters

came over on ships
from Siberia.

What you do?!

Sorry, this is a rat.

- No, no! Is hamster!
- Is not hamster.

Hamster are small
and cuddly.

Cuddle this, you'd never
play the guitar again.

Where you go?
Where you take him?

I'm sorry Manuel.
He's got to go.

- Go? No, no, no!
- Yes.

He mine.
He stay with me.

Now look!
This is a hotel!

The health inspector
comes tomorrow.

If he sees this,
I, closed down.

No warning,
closed down. Finito.

You, out of work.
Back to Barcelona.

He no hurt.
He in cage.

He safe.
Please! Please!

- Good morning, ladies.
- What's the matter?

He take my hamster!

Please, no,
Mr. Fawlty!

I love him!

How could you?!

He take it from my room!

There, there.

It'll be all right.

You can keep it
in our room.

That's right, we'll keep it
in our room, Mr. Fawlty.

We'll look after it.

A rat! A rat!

No, no. Is Siberian Hamster,

Filigree.

It's all right,

it's only a Siberian Hamster.
Just getting rid of it.

Polly, Polly!
He take my hamster.

What?

Mr. Fawlty
take my hamster!

He crazy,
he think is rat!

Manuel.

Hmm?

Prepare yourself
for a shock.

- Why didn't you check?
- What?

- Why didn't you check?
- What?

You mean he's had it
for a whole year,

and you've only
just found out?

Supposing the health inspector
had seen it?

I know.

He could have
closed us down.

What are you going
to do with it, Basil?

You can't keep it
in here.

I know.

And don't let it loose
in the garden.

It'll come back
in the house.

Can't we get you on
"Mastermind," Sybil?

Next contestant,
Sybil Fawlty from Torquay,

special subject,
the bleedin' obvious!

I wasn't going to let it go
in the garden.

What are you going
to do with it?

I don't know.
I'll take it away.

Let it go.
Give it its freedom.

You can't do that, Basil.

He wouldn't be able to defend himself.

He's a rat, isn't he?

He's domesticated,
aren't you?

You're domesticated,
you do all right.

Basil!

He won't get mugged
by a gang of field mice, will he?

Basil,
he's Manuel's pet.

We have a duty to it.

Perhaps we could find
a home for him.

All right! I'll put
an ad in the papers!

Wanted... kind home

for enormous savage rodent.

Answers to the name
of Sybil.

Look, I'll take him out
into the country...

No! I cannot abide cruelty
to living creatures.

Well, I'm a creature,
you can abide it to me.

You're not living.

Look, Manuel, we were
just wondering...

Mrs. Fawlty, please understand.
If he go, I go.

Well, goodbye.

Please listen.

You know, we really
can't keep him here.

The health inspector
wouldn't...

Mrs. Fawlty, he here
one year, he do no harm.

But, Manuel, listen.
If they see your rat,

they could close
the hotel down.

Perhaps it would
be simplest

to have him
put to s-l-e-e-p.

Who? Him or the rat?

We might get a discount
if we had 'em both done.

"Spleep"?

Manuel,
I've rung my friend.

It's all right.
She'll take him.

She has lots
of animals,

and it's not
far from here,

you can go see him
whenever you want.

Come on, we'll
take him there now.

- But he forget me!
- Rats are like that.

Don't get involved
with them.

I think it's the best solution,
Manuel.

Oh, he'll be happy.
You'll see.

Sad, isn't it?

Well, look at it from
the point of view of the rat.

- What?
- Would you want

to spend the rest
of your life

with Manuel waiting on you?

We've been through the cupboards,
you're doing the walls,

Terry, the filters,
checked the fridges...

Come here.

Right, that's done.

Now, Sybil,
everything done here?

Have you put the lid
on the tank, Basil?

That's why I've been on the roof
the last 40 minutes.

And you took
the pigeons out?

No, I left them in.
They're nearly done.

Now, walls?

I've checked everything.

Terry, the hoods.

We've done the cupboards?

- It's all been done, Basil.
- The fridge.

Have we got it
all separate?

Basil, I told you,
it's all been done.

Seals on the old fridge, the floor?

I've checked it.

Just running over
the bleeding obvious, dear.

So, all is shipshape
and Bristol fashion, eh?

All ready for old
snoopy drawers?

Is this
about that rodent?

Leave him alone, Basil,
he's upset.

He's not going to cheer up
mooning about like that, is he?

Just let him be.

It doesn't help him,
you encouraging it.

You've got to get
his mind off it.

Well, Manuel,
what do you think?

Looks good,
doesn't it, eh?

All clean
and shining bright?

So empty, without him.

Yes, but those walls
look good, too.

And the hoods,
gleaming like that,

isn't that
a marvelous sight?

Please leave me alone.
I get over it.

Yes, no point
in letting it get you down.

Plenty more fish in the sea, eh?

- Don't!
- What?

Don't hit me.
Always you hit me.

I'm not hitting you,
I'm trying to cheer you up.

Let him be, Basil.

Look, look...
don't look at me

with those
awful cow eyes.

Wh... why don't you go
to the cinema tonight?

Why don't you
and Polly go

to the ice rink?

Why don't you...
cheer up, for Christ's sake!

Basil!

I can not stand
this awful self indulgence!

Leave him alone,
Basil,

he's just depressed.

Manuel,

my wife informs me
that you're depressed.

Let me tell you something,

depression is
a very bad thing.

It's like a virus.

If you don't stamp on it,
it spreads throughout the mind,

and then one day,
you wake up in the morning,

and you can't face life
anymore.

And then you open a hotel.

We didn't win the war
by getting depressed, you know?

- Manuel!
- �C�mo?

- Not so sad.
- No?

No, no.
It's too much.

- Too much?
- Much too much.

Just a little bit sad.

- There's the food.
- Ah, gracias.

Don't forget
the water.

Ahh, Terry, Terry.
Let me have a bit of that.

That's fillet.

S�, s�,
he like it. Please.

Want some bearnaise
with it?

No, no... is chostelorol.

Shoo.

Basil?

Thank you, Mr. Higgins.

Thank you, Mr. Higgins.

Thank you.

And here's the picture.

What?

The picture.
The one in your room.

You said you liked it.

Uh...
Polly!

- Shh! Wait!
- Polly.

No, I'm sorry.
I really don't...

just a fiver...
you can have it on approval.

Sorry.

It's for my sister's
eye operation.

You bastard!

- Polly!
- Oh, what?

- He gone!
- What?

He gone! He escape!

But how did he
get out of the cage?

I leave door open so he
can exercise in shed.

You dago dodo!

You got it all over
your front.

�Qu�?

- Mucho salo.
- What you do?

Is dirty.

Don't matter,
what about Basil?

Mr. Fawlty to you.

No, no. Basil!

Est� aqu�.

Now go and clean it.

Ah, s�, s�.

Jolly good, polly.
That's the way

to snap him out of it.

Morning, Fawlty.

Hello, Major.
There are the papers.

That's where I left it.

Strike, strike, strike.

Why do we bother,
Fawlty?

Didn't know you did, Major.

Boycott made a century.

Stay where you are,
old chap.

Don't move.

Terry, give these a rinse,
will you?

I have.

Well, they're still dirty.

Put them
in the dishwasher.

Do you need
any help, Major?

Don't move!

Vermin.

We haven't got any,
this week, Major.

Hmm?

No Germans staying
this week, Major.

May I have that?

Goin' to shoot him,
Fawlty.

- Major?
- Hmm?

Not legal actually,
anymore, murder.

But they're animals, Fawlty!

Oh, yes, yes. Still,
forgive and forget, eh?

Forgive 'em?

Well, pretend we do.

But they spread disease, Fawlty.

He was sitting there,
on that table,

eating the nuts,
if you please.

He's really gone this time.

About that size,

that... with the tail.

Tail?

What did you say he was?

Vermin.
A dirty rat.

How long ago?

About two minutes ago.

Stay there, Major.
Stay there.

If you see him, give me a shout.

Will do.

I'm just cleaning
behind the fridge, Mr. Fawlty.

Basil.

Basil... Cheesies.

- Bas...
- Yes?

Here I am!

- Hello, Mr. Fawlty.
- That's for me, is it?

Thank you. Hmm.

Shall I get you some more?
There's plenty...

He's called Basil,
is he?

Don't play dumb with me.
I trusted you.

You're responsible
for this.

"My friend will look
after him, Mr. Fawlty!"

Just...

Come on.
Come on out.

Come on.
Basil's here.

Have you got him?

He's under there.

Right.
I'll get him.

Cleaning
behind the fridge?

Well, you've got
a lot on your mind.

We didn't want
to worry you, Mr. F...

What do you mean?
A public health inspector

coming after a 24 hour warning
and a rat loose in the hotel,

is that what you mean?

He must have escaped,
Mr. Fawlty, and come back.

Come back?

They home.

Oh, I see.
He's a homing rat, is he?

Oh yeah.

Rats are amazing creatures,
Mr. Fawlty.

I read about one once.

His owner had gone
down to Penzance...

Yes, yes.
I read about that.

When the chef got filleted
with his own carving knife?

No, honest,
scout's honor.

We'll find him, Mr. Fawlty!

Well, if you could.
That would be lovely,

before they close us down.
Super!

Well, let's have
a little Basil hunt, shall we?

And then we'll deal
with the sackings later on.

- I'll do the cellar.
- I'll do this floor.

Manuel, you check
your room.

Start in the bar.
He was there two minutes ago.

I'll do the kitchen.

I've done all them.

Oh, Mr. Carnegie.
Good morning.

Good morning,
Mrs. Fawlty.

Hello.
Nice to see you.

Would you like coffee
before we adjourn to...

No, thank you. If we start
upstairs with the water tanks.

- Ah, good idea.
- What?

Good thinking,
about starting upstairs.

Sybil, would you like
to show Mr. Carnegie up?

I was just
going to, Basil.

And I'll keep an eye
on things down here,

find something
to get on with.

God! What was that?

Bloody television
exploding again.

I'll deal with it,
you go upstairs.

That was a gun!

Yes, it did sound
like it, didn't it?

Moths.

What is going on here?

I'll get him!

He'll come back
for the nuts, you know?

He was sniffing
around here just now.

Sorry,
sorry, Major.

It wasn't the television at all.
It was just this gun.

I'll put it under lock and key
straightaway.

Why was he firing it
in the hotel?

Shooting starlings.

In the bar?

Through the window.
I'll lock it away.

- Is it licensed?
- Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

You do realize that under
the health and safety act

it is your responsibility?

Oh, yes.
I'm terribly sorry.

It's never happened
before, Mr. Carnegie.

I'll have to notify the police, of course.
They will take steps.

�Qu�? Polly,
�Qu� ha pasado?

- It's all right, Manuel.
- Is he all right?

- Yes.
- He no dead?

No, it was just the Major
letting the gun off.

The Major tried
to kill Basil?!

Kill Basil?!

No, not Mr. Fawlty.
I mean Basil, my little...

Ratatouille!

Basil.
The little...

Ratatouille.

The chef calls
the Ratatouille Basil,

because he puts
quite a lot of basil in it.

He put Basil
in the Ratatouille?

Yes!

He's from Barcelona.

You know,
typical Latin, really.

Would you like to...

- Why you do this?
- I 'aven't, I 'aven't!

Polly say you put Basil
in ratatouille.

I haven't made
any bleeding ratatouille!

Manuel!

Well, why you say he put
Basil in ratatouille?

I had to say something.
That was the health inspector.

Now, will you calm down?

- Where is he?
- Oh, I don't know!

- Perhaps he dead.
- Oh, 'e's all right.

Give us the veal.
I've got to get lunch ready.

How you know
he's all right?

The Major fire his gun,
perhaps he hit. I find him!

Sorry, Polly.

Oh, pick 'em up quick,
before 'e gets in here.

That's it, Major.
You've nearly got it.

The thing is,
not a word about rats.

You were shooting
a starling, all right?

- A starling.
- Yes.

- Through the window.
- Right.

But, Fawlty, how did
the starling get in the bar?

No, no, no.
You were in the bar.

- I was in the bar?
- Yes!

Yes, I was!

And the starling was
in the garden,

and the rat was
nowhere at all.

Well, I didn't see him.

Say good night
to the folks, Gracie.

All right, Terry.
Everything under control?

Yeah. Is he still?

No, he started upstairs.
God knows where that rat is.

Tch! Oh, puss.

Come on, puss.

Out you go.

Oh, uh... I put some...

- Terry?
- Yeah?

There was a piece
of veal down here.

Yeah, I got 'em
all up, Mr. Fawlty.

- What?
- We picked 'em all up.

Got the veals, Terry?

Yeah, here they are, Poll.

Terry, listen to me.

What do you mean,
"You picked them all up"?

Manuel knocked 'em over.
We picked 'em all up.

- Oh, my God!
- What's the matter?

One of them's got
rat poison on it.

Sorry, sorry!

Veal's off, sorry.

That's veal?

No, no, this is...
veal substitute.

We're giving it a try,

and it's a bit of a disappointment,
I'm afraid.

In fact, it's
no substitute at all.

Polly, would you take
the order again, please?

Thank you,
thank you so much.

I'm sorry about that.

Would you like the lamb
or the plaice?

Veal substitute?

Well, it's Japanese, actually,

soya beans
and essence of cow.

Seals?

We've moved all the meat
into this one,

and we've put
the confectionery...

Ahem! A bottle of
the beaujolais, please.

Certainly.

- And the wash handbasin?
- We ordered it yesterday.

Here's the acknowledgement
of the order.

Well, it would appear
that this kitchen

is now in a satisfactory condition.

I shall be writing to confirm...

Sorry, it slipped.

...the outstanding points,

and someone
will be dropping in

to carry out a future
random inspection

to make sure these standards
are being maintained.

- Thank you.
- Marvelous.

It's 10 to 1:00.

I'd like to take lunch
here, if I may?

Certainly, Mr. Carnegie.

I couldn't help noticing

you had some veal
over here...

Veal?

Yes, it's Dutch.

It's not Dutch, actually.
It's Norwegian.

- Norwegian?
- Yes.

Not the absolute apex,
quite honestly.

Terry, the veal is Dutch,
isn't it?

Norwegian, Mrs. Fawlty.

I've been in this
business 20 years,

I've never heard
of Norwegian veal.

They've only just
branched into it.

I don't think
it's a winner, frankly,

more of a veal substitute.

It's got a lot of air pockets
in it, that sort of thing.

- The lamb is Dutch.
- Dutch?

English, I mean.
We call it Dutch 'cause

it's as good as the veal.
Better, honestly.

- I prefer the veal.
- How about lobster?

Would you prefer lobster?
A couple of lobsters?

It's frightfully good
at the moment.

It's not expensive
this week.

We've got so much,
we're having a sale

to try and shift it all.
75p each, two for �1.

Can't say fairer than that.

Just the veal.

If you like the veal... perhaps
you'd prefer the chicken?

Basil, he wants the veal.

Could I make a phone call?

Yes, of course.
Through here.

What's all this about
rat poison on the veal?

He's put rat poison
on one,

they've got mixed up,

and nobody knows
which is which now.

Well, what happened
to the one the cat ate?

- The cat?!
- That's no good.

That might have poison
on it too.

- Well, where is it?
- What?

Where's the cat's slice?

Up here.

Right. Now, how's the cat?

How's the cat?

We're about to take the life
of a public health inspector

and you want to know
"How's the cat?"!

It's gone to London
to see the queen!

What are we going to do?

- He's all right!
- Great!

Hooray! Hooray!
The cat lives!

The cat lives!
Long live the cat!

What are we
going to do?!

Mr. Fawlty,

if the cat is all right,

that means
that slice is all right.

But how long would
it take to work?

That stuff?
Two minutes.

He had this
10 minutes ago at least.

It's a bit chewed there.

I'll give it a trim.

You're driving over
to Babbacombe this afternoon?

Yes, we're...

What is a plate
of veal doing there?

I'll just relieve you
of it, shall I?

Do sit down,
Mr. Carnegie.

He just has, Basil.

On a plate of veal.

- Has it put you off?
- What?

Has it put you
off the veal? At all?

I'm not eating that one,
if that's what you mean.

Stop! Halt!

Sorry, I think there
might be another one.

Excuse me.

Ah, yes.
Lucky guess.

Well, who's responsible
for putting them there?

Manuel,
our Spanish waiter.

Thank you.

Now, would you
care to take

a seat right here?
Please.

- Does he do it often?
- Oh no, no.

It's the first time.
Sometimes looks as if he's going to.

We always catch him,
of course.

Here's your veal,
Mr. Carnegie,

- And one green salad.
- Thank you.

Ah, bon.
Good appetit.

Well done, Terry.

Sorry, not hot enough.

Not big enough, sorry.

- What?
- Not big enough, sorry.

Excuse me.
Really, Polly!

What are you doing?!

Well, if that's the one,
these are okay.

- What?
- If that's the poison one,

these are all right.

Brilliant!

Great, right.
Okay.

Basil, what
is going on?

That was the poisoned one.
The cat had it.

The cat!

Poisoned?

Yes, so that one...
must be okay, hmm?

Basil...

Sorry, just getting you
a proper sized one.

It was big enough.
It was all I wanted.

Well, it could have
been a bit hotter.

- Well, not much, but...
- Look...

Yes, yes. It's just coming.
Won't be a second.

Manuel, would you...

Here.

- What?
- Look, he's all right. Look!

- He can't be.
- Well, he is.

Here ya are, Poll.

- Oh.
- He can't be!

What do you mean?

He was vomiting.

Vomiting?

That's just fur balls, Basil.

- What?!
- That's just fur balls.

He does that all the time
in the summer.

But... but if
he's all right,

that one might...

Polly, Polly!
Too much.

What?

Too much. Too much
of a good thing

always leaves one wanting less,
I always find.

- Ugh.
- What's wrong now?

We wouldn't want
you to think

that just because
you were one

of her Majesty's
civil servants,

we were showing you
any excess favoritism.

I'm sure you
wouldn't want that.

Oh! So you're
the rat inspector!

Sorry, Fawlty!
Starling inspector.

Starling inspector?

- One for you.
- Thank you.

- And one for you.
- Thank you.

Do you mind?

�Qu�?

We'll have one Windsor soup,
one pat�, please.

One Windsor...

Shh!

If the cat's slice
is all right,

If the cat's slice
is all right,

that might be
the poisoned one.

- No, no.
- Yes, he's right.

And if the cat's one
is all right...

Which it is...

We can give him
that, can't we?

Right!

- Mr. Fawlty?
- Shut up!

But, Terry,
that's got things on it.

That's all right,
Mrs. Fawlty.

What the eye
don't see,

the chef
gets away with.

- Mr. Fawlty?
- What is it?!

Table seven!

- What?
- Basil!

Sorry,
it's just coming.

- Excuse me.
- Of course,

Good afternoon, sir.
Good afternoon, madam.

I was just trying to give
an order to your waiter,

and he walked away
while I was doing it.

Hmm?

He wasn't paying
attention at all.

I'm so sorry.
What were you saying?

The waiter
wasn't listening

when I was
giving him our order.

He seemed more interested
in my fiance�'s legs.

Really? May I?

I don't think so.

In fact, I think there's
a bread roll down there.

May I give my order?

Oh, please.
Of course.

We'd like one Windsor soup
and one pat�, and then a...

Just doing
my shoelace up.

Are you going
to take my order?

Yes. Polly,
would you take...

take the order here,
please, on this table?

Thank you so much.

We'd like
one Windsor soup.

One Windsor.

One pat�.

He's there,
he's there.

- What?
- They're there.

What do you mean,
"They're there"?

It's all there.

There, there,
there, and there.

All there
for your enjoyment.

And one pat�?

Manuel, would you get
the bread roll, please?

No, no, no.
Get the box!

We have a box,
a bread box.

For any bread
that has gone past its prime.

And you'd
both like the...

The veal.

The veal's off,
I'm afraid.

How can it be?
You've only just started.

- Shh, shh!
- Don't "shh" me!

Sorry, but the veal is,
in fact, off.

It was never really on.
That's a misprint.

- A misprint?
- Yes. It should say...

Eel.

Eel scallop...

Oh, stop it, will you?
Just leave it!

Wait until
after the meal!

No. We have
to get it, I'm afraid.

Health regulations,
before it molds.

Well, I'll get it then.

No, no! Please.
Please, allow us.

All part of the service.

So that's one pat�,

and one Windsor... soup!

Here's your veal,
Mr. Carnegie.

Sorry for the delay.

He's just
been given veal!

Uh, no, no.
That's veal substitute.

- Veal substitute?
- It's not very good.

It got rather
held up on the boat.

On the way over from...

- Japan.
- Norway.

It's a sort of a...

Japo-Scandinavian
imitation veal substitute,

and I'm afraid that's
the last slice, anyway.

We're leaving.

Okay, if you insist.

By all means.
Be my guest. Thank you.

I want a taxi.

Polly, would you
arrange a taxi, please?

It's in the bag.

- Is your veal...
- In her bag!

In her bag?

- What?
- Excuse me.

Do you know where
you're going to?

Can you recommend
a restaurant?

Yes, of course.
What sort of...

Where is somewhere that serves
really good veal, Polly?

- Somewhere in the...
- Oh, veal. Yes, of course.

A really good restaurant.

Wait, just a minute,
because I...

I do remember a place
where I had some

really good veal once.

Only I just can't think
of the name of it...

It was, umm... ooh!

La-di-da.

Did you see "Annie Hall"?

La-di-da.

Annie who?

What are you doing?

- What?
- He had his hand in my bag!

- What?
- No, no, I...

You know something?

You're getting my dander up,
you grotty little man!

You're asking
for a bunch of fives!

Bomb scare!

What?

There's been a bomb scare.

- A bomb scare?
- Yes.

Yes. That's why he was
searching in your bag.

He didn't want to alarm you.

- May I?
- Well, I don't...

Just one moment.

We had a call, you see.

Well, shouldn't
you get everybody out?

That's why we were looking
under your table.

We just didn't want
to draw attention...

Uh, waiter.

Waiter?

Un momentito.

S�?

Some cheese and biscuits
and a coffee, please.

Anything to follow?

I've ordered some cheese
and a coffee.

Certainly.
Coffee, please, Sybil.

Here we are,
Mr. Carnegie.

Polly, would you get
the biscuits, please?

Here they are,
Fawlty.

Cheddar, Danish bleu, edam?

A little Danish bleu, please.

Certainly.

- Edam?
- No, thank you.

Biscuits?

Would you care for rat?

Just the biscuits
then, please, Polly.

Black or white?

Black or white?

Black, please.

Was that a...

There we are.

Here are the biscuits.

Cream crackers,
digestives?

I'm afraid it's started
to rain again.