All language subtitles for Fawlty Towers - 2x02 - The Psychiatrist.DVD.en

Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.

- Hello?
- What a shame.

- Manuel?
- Operator, what is going on?

Oh, I know.

I've been trying to get
through to the speaking clock.

Oh, dear.

Well, it's engaged.

How awful.

It's been engaged
for 10 minutes.

How is this possible?
My wife isn't talking to it.

Hold your head back.

That usually stops it.

The speaking clock has taken
the phone off the hook.

Or there's been a light shower
within 20 miles.

Well, you'd better not go on

if it's getting
on the bedspread.

Unobtainable.
The clock's been cut off.

Obviously didn't
pay its bill.

Call me back when
you've staunched it.

I don't know why
she stays with him.

Oh, that's pretty.

Hello, you got the guide.

Good evening,
Mr. Johnson.

Evening, any messages?

Three, I think.

Three? Everybody wants you,
don't they?

I wouldn't say that.

Ah, well.
You're only single once.

Twice can be arranged.

- What, basil?
- Nothing, my dear.

We got enough bananas
this week, dear?

So Harry says,

"You don't like me anymore.
Why not?"

And he says,

"'Cause you got so
terribly pretentious."

And Harry says,
"Pretentious, moi?"

I'll just try
that number.

Oh, that's awfully good,
isn't it?

"Moi," ha ha!

Did you hear it, Basil?

- What, dear?
- The joke.

Oh, a joke.
No, I heard you laugh.

I thought perhaps he
was having a tea party.

Tea party?

Oh, now I understand
the banana reference,

you mean you think
he looks like a monkey.

Only from some angles.

Well, from my angle,
he's very attractive.

Attractive?

You know, easy and amusing
and charming.

Charming, eh?

Well, he's certainly
covered in charms.

I've never seen so many medals
'round one neck in my life.

He must be the bravest
orangutan in Britain.

What is the point of decorating
yourself like that?

They're not just
for decoration,

they have
symbolic meaning.

Sybil, that type would wear
a dog turd 'round its neck

if it was made of gold.

Basil, you're
so ignorant sometimes.

One of them happens
to be a rhino's tooth.

One's an ancient Egyptian
fertility symbol...

Well, that must
come in handy.

It's not supposed
to be handy, Basil.

It goes back to the dawn
of civilization.

By the look of his forehead,
so does he.

Tell me, Basil,
what is it about

the Mediterranean type
that antagonizes you so?

Is it because women
find them attractive?

- Sybil...
- You seem to think

that we girls
should be aroused

by people like Gladstone
and Earl Haig

and Baden-Powell,
don't you?

Well, at least they
had a certain dignity.

It's hard to imagine
Earl Haig wandering round

with his shirt
open at the waist,

covered with identity bracelets,
isn't it?

Well, he didn't mind
the medals, did he?

The military decorations?

That's not the point.

I suppose the reason you confuse them
with monkeys

is that monkeys
have fun.

They know how
to enjoy themselves.

That's what makes
them sexy, I suppose.

I never thought
of that.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

I telephoned earlier.
The name is Abbott.

Oh, yes. There hasn't been
a cancellation, I'm afraid,

so it is still a room
without bath.

- That's fine.
- Oh, good.

Will you just fill that in
for me, please?

Yes, we're terribly busy
at the moment.

Just enjoying myself.
Good evening.

Good evening.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

That felt better.

Thank you, Mr. Abbott.

Oh, Dr. Abbott, sorry.

- Doctor?
- Yes?

I'm terribly sorry,
we hadn't been told.

We hadn't been told
you were a doctor.

How do you do, doctor?

Very nice to have you
with us, doctor.

Thank you.

You're in room five,
doctor.

And Mrs. Abbott,
how do you do?

Dr. Abbott, actually.

- I'm sorry?
- Dr. Abbott.

Two doctors.

- You're two doctors?
- Yes.

How did you become
two doctors?

Most unusual.
I mean,

did you take
the exam twice, or...

No.
My wife's a doctor.

I'm a doctor.

You're a doctor, too.
So you're three doctors!

No, I'm just one doctor.

My wife is another doctor.

Manuel.

Your room is at the top of the stairs
and on to the left.

Oh, I see!
I thought when you said two doctors...

Manuel, would you take
the doctors' cases up

to number five, please?

Yes, this way please, doctors.

When you said
that you were two doctors,

I thought perhaps you
were a doctor of medicine

and perhaps a doctor of...

and perhaps a doctor of...

Did you get through
all right?

One was busy.
I'll try again in a minute.

I forgot to ask,
any news on a room for my mother?

Oh, yes.

Number 16 has decided
to stay, I'm afraid.

I tried a couple
of other places for you

but everywhere's full
at the moment.

Oh well, no hassle.
She won't mind sharing with me.

Lucky mum, ha ha.

I'll just go and try
that number again.

Here, use this one.

Oh. Thank you.

May I ask...

the sign on the chain
by the Egyptian fertility symbol,

what is that?

It's, um...
Greek astrological sign.

Oh, it's beautiful.
Where did you get it?

Um, Colchester, I think.

- Colchester!
- Hello.

Can I speak to
John Lawson, please?

All right,
I'll hold on.

So, your mother
will be arriving tomorrow?

Yes, first thing.
She's getting

the overnight train
down from Newcastle.

Newcastle?

Yeah, visiting grandchildren.
She's 77.

77.

Isn't that amazing?

Old people are wonderful

when they have so much life,
aren't they?

Gives us all hope,
doesn't it?

My mother,
on the other hand,

is a little bit
of a trial, really.

You know, it's all right
when they have the life force,

but mother, well...

she's got more of
the death force, really.

She's a worrier...

No, it's all right.
I'll hold.

She has these...

well, morbid fears
they are, really.

Vans is one.

Rats... Doorknobs...

Birds, heights,
open spaces...

Confined spaces...

It's very difficult getting
the space right for her, really.

You know...

Footballs,
bicycles, cows...

And she's always on
about men following her.

I don't know what she thinks
they're going to do to her.

Vomit on her,
Basil says.

Can I leave my number?
He can call me back.

- And death.
- I see. Right.

She's frightened
of death.

I've told her there's nothing
she can do about it.

On about it
the whole time, she is.

I mean, nature can
only take its course.

The only thing
you can hope for

is that it won't be
long drawn out and painful.

But she can't
accept that.

Oh, excuse me.
Hello, John?

How are you?
Oh, fine.

Just down
for the weekend.

Charming people.

Hmm?

The Abbotts.
Charming couple.

Yes, all three of them.

No, I'm all right
for tonight.

You know dear,
that, um,

that outfit Mrs. Abbott
was wearing,

you should get yourself
something like that.

What, for the gardening,
you mean?

No, I can't tomorrow night.
How about lunch?

Yes, attractive woman.

How old would you say
she was, Sybil?

- 48, 50?
- Oh, now, Sybil!

I really don't know,
Basil, perhaps she's 12.

Favorite. Magic.

It's nice to have that kind
of person staying, isn't it?

Professional class,
educated,

civilized.

We've both ends
of the evolutionary scale

this week, haven't we?

Good evening.

We're just going out
for a stroll.

What time do you
serve dinner?

7:30 till 9:00.

See you tomorrow then.
Ciao.

Do you have
a guide to Torquay?

A guide...

Um, oh dear.
I think we're out of them again.

Do you want to look
at this one?

I got it in town.

Oh, thanks.

"What's on
in Torquay."

One of the world's
shortest books.

What?

One of the world's
shortest books.

Like "The Wit
of Margaret Thatcher."

Or "Great English Lovers."

He's very funny,
isn't he, Basil?

Thank you.

- Are you taking dinner here tonight?
- Sorry?

Are you dining here tonight,
here in this unfashionable dump?

I wasn't planning to.

No, not really
your scene, is it?

Thought I'd try somewhere in town.
Anywhere you'd recommend?

What sort of food were you thinking of?
Fruit, or...

Anywhere they do
French food?

Yes, France, I believe.

They seem
to like it there,

and the swim would certainly sharpen
your appetite.

You'd better hurry.
The tide leaves in six minutes.

Excuse my husband's
sledgehammer wit, Mr. Johnson.

There is a very nice place,
La pomme d'amour.

La pomme d'amour.
The apple of love.

Yes, in Orchard Street.

Or that ancient Egyptian place,

the Golden Dog something...

Do enjoy yourself.
We'll see you later.

Thank you.

I have had it
up to here with you.

What, dear?

You never get it right,
do you?

You're either crawling
all over them,

licking their boots,

or spitting poison
at them

like some
Benzedrine puff adder.

Just trying
to enjoy myself.

Did you enjoy your beef?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Good. Would you care
for dessert?

No, just coffee,
thank you.

Just coffee for me.

Two coffees, Sybil.

Two coffees.
Here. Please. Dear.

Would you care for
a little something with us?

A little aperitif,
cognac, brandy?

On us... with us...
which we'll pay for,

on the house,
as it were?

Well, thank you.

I'd like a cognac,
if I may?

- Dr. Abbott?
- A port, thank you.

Mon plaisir.

- Coffee for you, doctor.
- Thank you.

- And for you, doctor.
- Thank you.

Have you been
to Torquay before?

Not for a few years, no.

We had a free weekend,
and we suddenly thought

we'd like to get
out of London.

- Lovely. White or black?
- Black, thank you.

- And black for you, doctor?
- Thank you.

Cognac for you,
doctor.

It's rather fascinating,
your both being doctors.

Port for you, doctor.

At one stage,
I was contemplating becoming a surgeon.

A tree surgeon!

Thank you, Sybil.

Had to give it up.

Couldn't stand
the sight of sap. Ha!

It's a bit old,
isn't it, dear?

My great-grandfather
on my mother's side

was a doctor, so it was
always felt I might...

Run a hotel.

Are you both
in general practice?

No, I'm a pediatrician.

- Feet!
- Children.

Oh, Basil!

Children have feet, don't they?
That's how they move around.

You must take a look next time.
It's most interesting.

And you, doctor,
are you a...

I'm a psychiatrist.

Very nice too,
cheers.

I'll get you
another one. Sorry.

A psychiatrist.
How fascinating.

We never had a psychiatrist
staying here before.

We had a faith healer

the first month
we were open.

Really?

It's a relatively
new profession,

psychiatry, isn't it?

Well, Freud started
about 1880.

Yes, but it's only now

we're seeing them
on the television.

Here we are.
I must... excuse me.

How long have you
had this hotel?

My husband and I...

Keep back, keep back.

What is it?

- Abbott.
- What the matter with him?

Psychiatrist.

Look at him. Look.

Look at the way
he's listening, see?

He's taking it all in.
She doesn't realize.

Look at the way
she's talking.

They've got
photographic memories.

Uh, Sybil!

- Sybil?
- Yes, Basil?

Could I just
bother you, dear?

- What is it?
- Just a little problem.

Nothing personal,
nothing of a private nature.

Just in here...

Excuse me, would you?

What is it, Basil?

Just take it easy, okay?
Just keep your distance.

Remember who
you are, all right?

Remember what?

Just don't tell him too much
about yourself, all right?

Basil, I'm perfectly capa...

All right. All right.
What have you told him?

Nothing, we were
talking about Scotland.

Scotland?
What's he want to know about Scotland?

Oh, Basil Fawl...

- Don't do that!
- Why are you so nervous?

I'm not nervous!
I'm just saying take it easy, all right?

All of us, just take it easy,
all right?

What's got into you?

Nothing's got into...
I'm just saying take...

Can't I say "take it easy"
without starting a panic?

I mean, what is going on here?

Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.

Now look...

Get one thing clear,
all right?

You don't tell me
to take it easy.

I don't pay you
to tell me to take it easy.

I pay you to take it...

No, I pay you to tell you
to take it easy,

so take it easy,
all right?

Listen, why are you
getting so upset?

- I'm not.
- You liked him when he arrived.

Look, look...

And just because you find out
he's a psychiatrist...

I'm not bothered
by that.

If he wants to be
a psychiatrist that's his own funeral.

They're all as mad as bloody
march hares anyway.

That's not the point.
How does he earn his money?

He gets... he get paid
for sticking his nose...

- Oh, Basil.
- No, I'm going to have my say.

Into people's private,
um... details.

Just speaking
for myself,

I don't want
some total stranger

nosing around
in my private parts...

details!
That's all I'm saying.

They're here on holiday.

They're just here
to enjoy themselves.

- He can't!
- Can't what?

He can't tell
me anything

about myself that
I don't know already.

All this psychiatry,
it's a load of tommyrot.

Here.

You know what they're
all obsessed with, don't you?

You know what they say
it's all about, don't you?

Hmm?

Sex.

Everything's
connected with sex.

Huh! What a load
of cobblers.

Yes, you see,
if they wanted to do that,

Yes, you see,
if they wanted to do that,

well, they'd have to close the hotel,
wouldn't they?

Yes, if you would,
just sign that.

Thank you so much.

Yes. We were
just speculating

how people
in your profession

arrange their holidays.

How often you
can get away.

How often do you manage it?

Pardon?

How often can you
and your wife manage it?

You don't mind my asking?

Not at all.
Not at all.

About average,
since you asked.

- Average?
- Mm-hmm.

What would be average?

Well, you tell me.

Well, uh...

Couple of times a year?

What?

Once a year?

Well, we knew it
must be difficult.

My wife didn't see

how you could
manage it at all.

Well, as you've asked,

two or three times a week,
actually.

A week?

Yes.
Pretty normal, isn't it?

We're quite normal down here
in Torquay, you know?

And he says,

"Pretentious? Moi?"

I always like a man
who can make me laugh.

Are you all right,
Mr. Fawlty?

Mm-hmm, yes, yes.
Fine.

What's the matter, Basil?

Nothing, dear.
Just talking to Dr. Abbott.

If I had the money
to go to a psychiatrist,

he's just the sort
I'd choose.

I can't think
of anything nicer

than having a good old
heart-to-heart.

I'm sure they
understand women.

- Sybil?
- What, darling?

Do you kn...

Do you know what he asked me,
just now, out there?

What? What?

He asked me...

Oh, don't be
ridiculous, Basil.

I'm telling you the truth.
Honest as God's witness!

What's got
into you today?

He turned round
and asked me, just like that.

What did he say?

He said...

His wife said...

They're talking
about holidays, Basil.

I was just saying to them

about how difficult
it is to get any.

Twice a year!
Oh, my... What did I say?

- It doesn't matter.
- How was I to know?

Hello!

We were at cross
purposes just now.

There you were
talking about sex,

I thought you were
talking about walks.

Not sex!
Holidays, holidays!

Ha, sex.
Ha, ha, ha.

No, my wife and I have one
about twice a year.

I mean a holiday,
a holiday.

Whereas so far
as a good walk goes,

we have a jolly good walk

about two or three
times a week, average.

Well, we're just
taking ours now.

Thank you.
Well, enjoy it.

Uh, the walk!

I'm so sorry.

My name is
Raylene Miles.

I have
a reservation.

Ahh, yes. That's right.

Would you be so kind
as to fill this in?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Very nice.

Oh, ah...
Thank you.

Your thing.

I mean your charms!
Your charm, in the middle.

Yes, I know.

May I ask what it is?

It's a Saint Christopher's medal.

- Saint?
- Saint Christopher.

Patron saint
of travelers.

Hello, dear.

Saint Christopher's medal,
protects travelers.

Very pretty.

Yes, isn't she?

Where did you put
the order forms?

- Down there, dear.
- Where?

Down here, dear.
Um...

Hello! Can I have the key
for number six, please?

You're back early
this evening, Mr. Johnson.

Yes, well,
got to be up early for mother.

Thank you.
We put you in number seven.

Manuel!

It's all right, dear.
I'll take them up.

We have a Spanish porter
we're training at the moment.

It'd be quicker
to train an ape!

Never mind, Manuel.

Oh!

I was just wondering,

are you in fact
Australian at all,

by any chance,
may I ask?

Oh, dear.
Is my accent that strong?

Oh no, no.
It's just that you're quite tall,

so I thought,
perhaps, you know.

Here we are,
this is your room.

I hope it's to your liking.

A view of
the English Riviera,

down there,
behind the trees.

This is your bathroom,
here we are...

Oh, light's not working.

I'll just fix it.

Have you had
a tiring journey?

Seven hours
in the coach, is the...

is the dining room
still open?

The chef leaves at 9:00,
I'm afraid.

We could always
do you sandwiches.

I'd like a hot meal, really.

Is there a restaurant
near here?

There's an awfully good
little Welsh place,

Leek house,
about five minutes walk.

You'd have to go straight away.

That'll do fine.

Just turn left out at the gate
and straight on

and it's on your right.

You left
this downstairs.

Sorry!
I was trying the switch!

Sybil! Sybil!
Sybil! Sybil!

I'm sorry.
I didn't know she was there!

- I was trying the switch.
- It's pathetic, Basil.

No, look, Sybil,
I was reaching round for the switch.

Don't bother.

The lights weren't working
in the bathroom, right?

Okay?
So I went in, checked the fitting,

which was loose...

I've read about it, Basil.
The male menopause it's called.

Oh, and one word
of advice:

If you're going
to grope a girl

have the gallantry to stay
in the room with her

while you're
doing it, hmm?

I'm sorry.
I do apologize for just now.

I was sort of feeling
for the switch...

Oh, I realize.
That's perfectly all right.

I hope
your wife didn't...

Oh no, no.

My wife, she's been
on about that.

Uh, where was
that restaurant again?

Out of the gate,
turn left,

five minutes on your right.
Leek house.

- Thank you.
- Not at all.

"Pretentious, moi?"

Yes?
Can I help you?

Um...

I was just wondering
if I could get, um...

A drink now?

A drink?

Well, a bottle
of champagne.

- Champagne?
- Yes.

I see.
You are aware of our rule

about visitors, are you?

Hmm?

No visitors in guests' rooms
after 10:00.

Of the opposite... sex.

No, I wasn't.

But I am now.

So you'll send up
the champagne, will you?

What?

The champagne.

You're drinking it
on your own, are you?

Guess I'll have to.

Very well.

One bottle of champagne,
for one.

- Thank you.
- And one glass.

That's all I'll need,
unless you'd care to join me?

No, thank you.
Not while I'm on the job.

That's when I
enjoy it the most.

Manuel, Manuel, Manuel.

Bottle of champagne,
one glass, quick!

Mr. Fawlty?

Did you know there's
a psychiatrist staying?

Yes, yes I did.

Has he come
for the Major?

- What?
- Has he come for the Major?

No.

Oh, good.

We were
rather worried.

I'm sure they have them
in Birmingham too.

Good night, ladies!

Just coming.

Won't be a moment.

This wall...

we had some complaints
from downstairs

so I'm just
giving it a check.

Yes, I think that's fine.

No, hang on.

Nope, we're all right.

Fine. Well, sorry to disturb you.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Can I help you?

The bathroom?

Yes, second
on the left.

Thank you.

- Yes?
- It's just coming.

Stupidissimo!

You continental cretin!

I'm sorry,
I'll get you another one.

Un otro. Pronto!
Pronto! Pronto!

Yes, fine, thank you.

I'm afraid
that Spanish ape...

Sorry, person...
bungled it again.

Dago birdbrain.

God knows how they
ever got an Armada together.

Still, I'll clear
all this up.

If you... if
you'd like to, uh...

Go back to your rooms...

Thank you.

Fawlty.

- Yes?
- Here, here.

L... I thought
you ought to know.

- What?
- There's...

There's a psychiatrist
in the hotel.

Yes, I know.

- Oh, you know.
- Yes.

Oh. Well, apparently,
he's dressed up as a guest.

He is a guest, Major.

Oh, well, your guess
is as good as mine.

Perhaps he has
come to get you.

Come.

Oh, thank you.
On the table, please.

Thank you.

Yes?

Whew!
Filthy habit.

The bathroom?

Second on the left.

Aaah!
Who is it?

- It's all right!
- Who is it?

- It's only me! Please!
- What do you want?

What's going on?

Nothing! I didn't know
she was in here.

I just came in
to check the walls.

Do you mind?
Sorry.

I thought you'd gone
to the restaurant.

I was just so tired.

That's fine.
Sorry to disturb you.

Bloody walls.

You all right now?

- What was that?
- Hmm? Nothing, dear.

Why was she screaming?
What were you doing?

What's going on?

Nothing. She thought there
was someone in her room.

- Someone in her room?
- Yes.

Have to charge her
double then.

What were you
doing in there?

Is she all right?

She is all right.

What were you
doing in there?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Fawlty.

I didn't realize
it was you.

That's all right.
I'll tell you in a moment.

Silly of me.

I didn't know
it was him.

He came in to
check the walls.

To check the walls?

Manuel.
Manuel, quick.

Come on!

Quick!

Oh... 'elp...

Socorro! Socorro!

'Elp! 'elp!

Basil.

Basil?

Mrs. Fawlty, Mrs. Fawlty!

Mrs. Fawlty,
Mr. Fawlty...

- What?
- He hurt.

- He fall off ladder!
- Off a ladder?

S�, s�.
Come, come come.

What was he doing
up a ladder?

He try to see girl.

What?

He try to see
in room to see girl.

She make him crazy.
Come, come, come.

I see.

I tell him careful,
but he go to see girl.

Right.

Hello, dear.

I was just going
to, uh...

What the...

What in God's name
do you think you're doing?

What did you
hit me for?

How dare you!

How dare you!

Have you gone mad?
What's got into you?

- You really don't know?
- No, I don't.

What were you doing
up that ladder? Come on!

I was trying
to see the girl.

Is that so strange?

Stop hitting me!

Get away from this door

and don't you dare try
and come in here tonight.

Mad.

She's gone
completely mad.

Crazy, she go crazy.

- I mean what...
- Crazy.

I say to her

you try and see
in girl's room

and she go crazy.

What?

I tell her you go
to see girl in room.

You crazy
about this girl, okay?

Okay, so...

You go up to try
to look at her

and Mrs. Fawlty,
she go crazy.

You crazy little dago!

Now, that's how
an Englishman would do it, you see?

Now, a German,
a German would go...

No, that's enough
for tonight.

All right, we'll go on with your
training in the morning.

We're just training him in the art
of hotel management.

It's rather interesting actually.

He's from Barcelona,
and one of the more...

Sorry, I missed the door.

- Oh.
- Everything all right?

Everything,
uh, normal?

- Yes, thank you.
- Fine, well...

I'll leave you to it, then.

I mean to go to bed.

To sleep!
To sleep, that is.

Perchance to dream,
ha, ha.

Have a good night...
good night's sleep.

- Sleep well.
- Good night. And you.

Thank you, yes, I will.

God knows where.

I'll get you,
you pilked-down ponce.

Are you all right?

- Hmm?
- Are you all right?

Yes, fine.
Give me one of those.

Right, go on.
Go on.

Sybil, dear?

What do you want?

Got your tea for you, dear.

Just leave it
outside the room.

Yes, all right, dear.

Um...

Sybil?

I'm not speaking
to you, Basil.

Could I just have
my electric razor, dear?

Just for the guests?

Thank you, dear.
Look, look...

- Basil, will you...
- Just let me explain.

Get your foot
out of the door.

- Let me explain.
- I'm not interested.

When I said "That girl,"

I wasn't talking about that ray...
something, the Australian girl.

I was talking about the girl
in the room next to hers...

in Johnson's room!

Johnson smuggled a girl
into his room last night.

That is the one I was
trying to get a look at,

not that
Australian hayseed.

Basil, you've had eight hours to
think of something.

Is that really the best
you can come up with?

You don't believe it.

- Oh, go away.
- Right, I'll get her.

I'll get her
and show her to you.

- Yes, you do that.
- I will.

Right. All right.

Go.

Come.

Mr. Johnson, did you
want your guide back?

Oh, thank you, yes.

See you later.
Thank you.

Okay, darling.

Right, the game's up.

Up there.

Bit of game pie,
got stuck up there.

Right, everything
back to normal.

Enjoy your walk.

There's enough material there
for an entire conference.

Okay, all clear.

Right, that's it.

Aah! What
are you doing?

Oh, jeez,
what going on?

I'm sorry.
I thought you were somebody else.

You scared the hell
out of me!

I'm awfully sorry.
There's a girl in there.

The bloke
smuggled her in...

Oh, hello, dear.

Just explaining to Miss Miles
about our little problem,

with the extra guest,

Mr. Johnson's friend,

in six, last night.

What's that on
your hand, Basil?

What... oh, that's some stuff
in the cupboard, dear.

Something I knocked over.

Sorry!
I got confused.

Sorry, I got confused.

Sybil! Sybil! Sybil!

Sybil! Sybil! Sybil!

Look, I'll tell her to go.

I'm gonna get the other girl
just to prove it to you,

but I'll tell Miss Miles to...

To leave.
Out. Out!

Excuse me.

I do apologize,
but I'm afraid

I shall have
to ask you to...

Come in.

Sorry to bother you,
I thought I'd better apologize

for my husband's behavior.

No, please, really,
Mrs. Fawlty.

He's going through
rather a disturbed time

at the moment.

No, please look,
I don't quite understand,

he does seem a bit
worked up about something,

but I'm sure there's some
quite innocent explanation.

Basil.

Hi, dear.
Just checking the doors.

All right,
what's going on?

I was in the bathroom.

Yes, she was, dear,
so I just popped in

to have a look at these hinges.
You know, the ones we've...

Do you really imagine,
even in your wildest dreams,

that a girl like this
could possibly be interested

in an aging,
brilliantined stick insect like you?

- A girl like who, dear?
- This one, Basil.

The one you've been chasing
ever since she arrived.

Dear woman,
are you out of your mind?

What are you
doing in there?

You know the trouble we've
been having with these hinges.

Why would I... all right,
if you really want to know,

I came to apologize
for the incident just now,

when I thought she was
that girl in Johnson's room,

you know, when I put
my hand on the...

Sybil, Sybil.
Look...

If you think I've got time
to listen to any more

of your hopeless
lily-livered jellyfish lies...

They are not lies.
I am trying to...

Why can't you be a man?

If you want
to grope the guests,

why can't you
at least be honest about it

without making up
some pathetic song and dance...

Shut up!

Oh, you've done it now.

No, I haven't.
I'm just going to.

I'm fed up with you,
you rancorous, coiffeured old sow!

Why don't you syringe
the donuts out of your ear

and get some sense
into the dormant organ

you keep hidden
in that rat's maze of yours?

- Basil, Bas...
- There is a woman in that room,

that Johnson smuggled in last night.

That's the woman
I've been trying to get hold of.

Right, right!
Stand there.

Stand there and watch.

Champagne?

What?

Another bottle
of champagne, perhaps?

I thought you said
you rather enjoyed it

when you were
on the job?

Have you got
a screw loose?

A screw? No, no.
It's just that I thought

that I'd rather formed
the impression

that there was someone
in the room, there, with you.

A female person.
Perhaps a lady.

An opposite person of
the contradictory gender,

that sort of thing.

Mrs. Johnson
is in here, yes.

Oh, of course.

I should have guessed.
Oh, yes. Of course,

the little woman, eh?
The only thing is,

I thought you told my wife
that you were single?

I am.

I see.
So who's this Mrs. Johnson then?

The late President's wife, or...

She's my mother.

Your mother?

Oh, I see.

This bit of crumpet's
your old mummy, is she?

Oh, this is rich.

Old mother Johnson
popped up

for a quickie, did she?
May I meet her?

Certainly.

Mother Johnson,
mother Johnson?

Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

How do you do?
Are you enjoying your stay?

Yes, thank you.

Well, I'll get
the champagne.

This calls
for a celebration.

I'm on a holiday.