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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,844 --> 00:00:07,180
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,181 --> 00:00:11,017
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,787 --> 00:00:17,290
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Ah, the Aiwa Double Tape Deck.
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The Waldorf and Statler
of every thrift store.
12
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The selection here stinks.
13
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Yeah, and so do the customers.
14
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Jim Henson died of treatable pneumonia.
15
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Hey, Brian, remember Sisterhoodof the Traveling Pants?
16
00:00:54,094 --> 00:00:56,628
They have the magic girl-power jeans.
17
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:00,700
Holy crap, what happened?
18
00:01:00,701 --> 00:01:03,669
I don't know. I-I think
I turned into America Ferrera.
19
00:01:03,670 --> 00:01:06,339
I don't want this. Help! Someone, help!
20
00:01:06,340 --> 00:01:08,875
Looking passable, Stewie.
21
00:01:08,876 --> 00:01:11,510
Looking damn passable.
22
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Aw, crap, people we know.
You know the drill.
23
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We're donating, not buying.
24
00:01:20,387 --> 00:01:23,523
Just doing our part to give back
to the community.
25
00:01:23,524 --> 00:01:25,057
I'm gonna go wait in the alley.
26
00:01:25,058 --> 00:01:27,860
Could you just ball them up
and throw them out the window?
27
00:01:27,861 --> 00:01:31,496
Putting on strangers' hats
is always a good idea.
28
00:01:37,104 --> 00:01:38,905
- Thank you for your service.
- Huh?
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My father's a veteran, too.
30
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Thank you for protecting us
and for posting revenge porn
31
00:01:42,910 --> 00:01:44,410
on Marine Corps message boards.
32
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Oh, actually, I'm not...
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I'm gonna start a trend
of interrupting your sentences.
34
00:01:47,548 --> 00:01:49,115
Well, no, it's just a hat. I didn't...
35
00:01:49,116 --> 00:01:50,249
Thank you for your service.
36
00:01:50,250 --> 00:01:51,717
Bless you and all of our veterans.
37
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No, guys, I-I'm not really a vet...
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I don't have time to hear
the rest of your sentence,
39
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but thank you for being a veteran
40
00:01:56,557 --> 00:01:58,324
because you're definitely a veteran.
41
00:01:58,325 --> 00:02:02,228
And I'm Cris Collinsworth
from NBC Sunday Night Football.
42
00:02:02,229 --> 00:02:05,097
On behalf of all TV football dummies,
43
00:02:05,098 --> 00:02:06,899
thank you for your service.
44
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You're-you're welcome.
45
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:11,671
Wow. Feels real good to be a veteran,
46
00:02:11,672 --> 00:02:14,539
even better than buying
a bottle of Newman's Own.
47
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This makes me a good person.
48
00:02:20,647 --> 00:02:23,482
Hey, someone just bought a
bottle of bland salad dressing.
49
00:02:23,483 --> 00:02:26,818
Now we can use all proceeds
to do jihad stuff.
50
00:02:36,063 --> 00:02:37,730
Hey, Peter, what's with the hat?
51
00:02:37,731 --> 00:02:39,565
- I'm pretending to be a veteran.
- What?
52
00:02:39,566 --> 00:02:42,201
Yeah, it's awesome.
Vets get all the sweet deals.
53
00:02:42,202 --> 00:02:44,170
I mean, you never see a homeless vet.
54
00:02:44,171 --> 00:02:45,605
And people have been really nice.
55
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Everywhere I go, they open doors for me.
56
00:02:48,709 --> 00:02:50,042
Welcome, sir.
57
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Thank you.
58
00:02:51,979 --> 00:02:54,880
Hey, so when really fat people come,
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00:02:54,881 --> 00:02:57,249
make sure we're opening both doors.
60
00:02:57,250 --> 00:02:59,051
Guys, you could be veterans, too.
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Look what happens
when I put on sunglasses.
62
00:03:02,556 --> 00:03:04,156
♪ Highway to the danger zone... ♪
63
00:03:04,157 --> 00:03:06,525
- Wow!
- I want to try.
64
00:03:06,526 --> 00:03:08,561
♪ Highway to the danger zone. ♪
65
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It's loud being a veteran!
66
00:03:10,297 --> 00:03:12,131
The hell is wrong with you guys?!
67
00:03:12,132 --> 00:03:14,400
Do I need to remind you
I actually am a veteran?
68
00:03:14,401 --> 00:03:17,103
And I'm sickened by the thought
of trolling for free handouts
69
00:03:17,104 --> 00:03:19,872
on account of being a vet,
much less pretending to be one.
70
00:03:19,873 --> 00:03:21,674
Quagmire, what if
I told you your glasses
71
00:03:21,675 --> 00:03:23,275
do "Playing With The Boys"?
72
00:03:23,276 --> 00:03:24,644
The volleyball scene?
73
00:03:24,645 --> 00:03:26,379
Go ahead, give it a whirl.
74
00:03:26,380 --> 00:03:28,547
♪ I'm playing... ♪
75
00:03:28,548 --> 00:03:31,751
Whoa! It's like I'm high-fiving
with Anthony Edwards.
76
00:03:31,752 --> 00:03:33,619
And it's not like I'd be lying.
77
00:03:33,620 --> 00:03:36,221
There we go. Hey, another round
for me and my veteran buddies.
78
00:03:38,025 --> 00:03:40,893
Dad, Family Guy used two of your songs.
79
00:03:40,894 --> 00:03:43,229
Well, that's great,
but I'm not your dad.
80
00:03:43,230 --> 00:03:46,332
I'm Kenny Loggins and you're a
groupie I brought here for sex.
81
00:03:46,333 --> 00:03:47,800
Dad, Family Guy just...
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00:03:47,801 --> 00:03:49,901
See, now, that's my daughter.
83
00:03:54,274 --> 00:03:55,641
You guys got your video cameras ready?
84
00:03:55,642 --> 00:03:57,009
Yeah. What's going on?
85
00:03:57,010 --> 00:04:00,212
Well, as a veteran, I get
to star in a viral YouTube video
86
00:04:00,213 --> 00:04:02,682
of me reuniting with my beloved pet.
87
00:04:02,683 --> 00:04:04,916
So here goes.
88
00:04:15,562 --> 00:04:17,229
My pet is Christian the lion.
89
00:04:17,230 --> 00:04:19,231
I'm doing two Internet things at once.
90
00:04:19,232 --> 00:04:21,233
This is my heterosexual roommate, Ace,
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00:04:21,234 --> 00:04:23,903
with whom I shared the lion
two decades ago.
92
00:04:23,904 --> 00:04:26,771
- You look great, Peter.
- I have a family now!
93
00:04:30,911 --> 00:04:33,412
You know, guys, if being
a veteran is about anything,
94
00:04:33,413 --> 00:04:35,514
it's about getting half-hearted applause
95
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on a Southwest Airlines flight.
96
00:04:38,018 --> 00:04:39,418
Veterans.
97
00:04:39,419 --> 00:04:41,487
Yay, veterans.
98
00:04:41,488 --> 00:04:44,590
Holy crap, you're Eric Dane
from Marley and Me,
99
00:04:44,591 --> 00:04:46,125
and other stuff!
100
00:04:46,126 --> 00:04:48,394
I'm afraid you got to give us
your front-of-the-plane seats
101
00:04:48,395 --> 00:04:50,463
'cause that's what celebrities
do for veterans.
102
00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:51,630
Well, clear out, kids.
103
00:04:51,631 --> 00:04:53,566
It's just part of the Hollywood deal.
104
00:04:53,567 --> 00:04:55,067
Thank you. Thanks.
105
00:04:55,068 --> 00:04:57,203
Thank you so much. This is why I served.
106
00:04:57,204 --> 00:04:59,238
"USS Nathan James"?
107
00:04:59,239 --> 00:05:01,507
Yes, sir. Boats, military, sir.
108
00:05:01,508 --> 00:05:03,542
The Nathan James is the fictitious ship
109
00:05:03,543 --> 00:05:07,847
on TNT's The Last Ship, starring
Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims.
110
00:05:07,848 --> 00:05:10,216
- And Eric Dane.
- Uh-oh.
111
00:05:10,217 --> 00:05:12,584
You guys aren't veterans at all.
You're frauds.
112
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,755
Okay, we ain't real vets.
113
00:05:15,756 --> 00:05:17,456
Quagmire served in the Navy.
114
00:05:17,457 --> 00:05:19,892
The rest of us are charlatans.
115
00:05:19,893 --> 00:05:21,427
- Boo!
- You're terrible!
116
00:05:21,428 --> 00:05:25,331
I fly Southwest to have a classy
experience and you've ruined it.
117
00:05:25,332 --> 00:05:28,167
Excuse me, gentlemen.
You're under arrest.
118
00:05:28,168 --> 00:05:29,435
What?! Why?!
119
00:05:29,436 --> 00:05:31,771
You three are in violation
of the Stolen Valor Act,
120
00:05:31,772 --> 00:05:34,240
which makes it a crime
to pretend to be a veteran.
121
00:05:34,241 --> 00:05:36,776
Oh, so suddenly it's a crime
to break the law?
122
00:05:36,777 --> 00:05:38,577
Mr. Quagmire, you're free to go,
123
00:05:38,578 --> 00:05:40,613
but the rest of you
will have to come with me.
124
00:05:40,614 --> 00:05:42,114
I thought we had it bad,
125
00:05:42,115 --> 00:05:43,449
being gay overhead bins.
126
00:05:43,450 --> 00:05:44,784
What makes us gay?
127
00:05:44,785 --> 00:05:46,184
We've got bags in our mouths.
128
00:05:52,893 --> 00:05:54,426
Hey, quick, put these on.
129
00:05:54,427 --> 00:05:56,428
They're not gonna throw
a veteran in jail.
130
00:05:56,429 --> 00:05:58,130
Is this some kind of joke to you?
131
00:05:58,131 --> 00:05:59,632
No, it was a sincere idea.
132
00:05:59,633 --> 00:06:01,233
Real servicemen and women
133
00:06:01,234 --> 00:06:03,803
have made real sacrifices
for this country.
134
00:06:03,804 --> 00:06:06,505
And you. You're an actual
veteran; you should know better.
135
00:06:06,506 --> 00:06:07,873
I'm sorry.
136
00:06:07,874 --> 00:06:09,942
You made a mockery
of our whole family, Glenn.
137
00:06:09,943 --> 00:06:11,477
Now, everywhere I go,
138
00:06:11,478 --> 00:06:14,113
it's like people are staring
at me and whispering.
139
00:06:14,114 --> 00:06:15,581
Court is now in session.
140
00:06:15,582 --> 00:06:18,184
Judge Dignified Q. Blackman presiding.
141
00:06:18,185 --> 00:06:21,353
You men are accused of violating
the Stolen Valor Act,
142
00:06:21,354 --> 00:06:23,589
and that's years of jail time.
143
00:06:23,590 --> 00:06:25,191
We forgot to get a lawyer.
144
00:06:25,192 --> 00:06:27,660
But in view of your long service
to comedy,
145
00:06:27,661 --> 00:06:29,728
I'm willing to offer a deal.
146
00:06:29,729 --> 00:06:31,030
What kind of deal?
147
00:06:31,031 --> 00:06:34,166
I'll waive the charges,
but only on the condition
148
00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:36,769
that you men enlist
in the military for real.
149
00:06:36,770 --> 00:06:39,672
You three have to join the Marines.
150
00:06:39,673 --> 00:06:42,675
Oh, my God. We could be killed!
Please, no!
151
00:06:42,676 --> 00:06:44,310
All right, how about the Coast Guard?
152
00:06:44,311 --> 00:06:45,878
Yeah, that's fine.
153
00:06:45,879 --> 00:06:47,079
- Wow.
- Something happened.
154
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:48,480
Something just happened in court.
155
00:06:48,481 --> 00:06:51,050
Glenn, if you were half the man
I used to be,
156
00:06:51,051 --> 00:06:53,819
you'd stand up and join them.
157
00:06:53,820 --> 00:06:55,821
Your Honor? I'd like to sign up, too.
158
00:06:55,822 --> 00:06:57,089
Oh, my God.
159
00:06:57,090 --> 00:06:58,490
I was checking my phone. What happened?
160
00:06:58,491 --> 00:06:59,658
Excuse me?
161
00:06:59,659 --> 00:07:00,926
That's right. I'm going with them.
162
00:07:00,927 --> 00:07:03,762
The four of us will join
the Coast Guard together.
163
00:07:03,763 --> 00:07:06,565
All right. Report to
the induction center tomorrow.
164
00:07:06,566 --> 00:07:08,767
Court is adjourned.
165
00:07:08,768 --> 00:07:12,304
The People v. Ted 2.
166
00:07:12,305 --> 00:07:14,172
Okay, come on, let's get out
of here. Let's go. Let's go.
167
00:07:18,710 --> 00:07:20,644
Good morning, recruits.
168
00:07:20,645 --> 00:07:22,212
Welcome to the Coast Guard.
169
00:07:22,213 --> 00:07:24,648
Sir, when do we report
for basic training, sir?
170
00:07:24,649 --> 00:07:26,550
Hey, what's with the "sir" stuff?
171
00:07:26,551 --> 00:07:28,251
This is just the Coast Guard.
172
00:07:28,252 --> 00:07:31,021
Now, come on. Who here can
pantomime driving a boat?
173
00:07:31,022 --> 00:07:33,456
Hmm, we got any boat guys here?
174
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:36,860
Whoa, look at that.
175
00:07:36,861 --> 00:07:38,762
You guys should be recruiting me.
176
00:07:38,763 --> 00:07:41,163
Now can you bounce
with the waves a little bit?
177
00:07:43,134 --> 00:07:45,736
Uh-oh! Getting kind of choppy.
178
00:07:45,737 --> 00:07:47,771
Is this guy for real? This is idiotic.
179
00:07:47,772 --> 00:07:49,606
This is nothing like what the Navy was.
180
00:07:49,607 --> 00:07:51,875
Shh, Quagmire, I got to focus
on my boat here.
181
00:07:51,876 --> 00:07:53,910
The way people's talking makes me think
182
00:07:53,911 --> 00:07:57,013
we're gonna be dealing
with a lot of water.
183
00:07:57,014 --> 00:07:58,715
You guys seem to have what it takes,
184
00:07:58,716 --> 00:08:01,685
so raise your right hand as
I recite the Coast Guard pledge.
185
00:08:01,686 --> 00:08:03,954
"When you're here, you're family."
186
00:08:03,955 --> 00:08:06,555
- Isn't that the slogan for...?
- We had it first!
187
00:08:07,725 --> 00:08:09,526
Everybody ships out tomorrow.
188
00:08:09,527 --> 00:08:11,962
You'll find your assignments
listed on this sheet.
189
00:08:11,963 --> 00:08:16,533
Oh, crap. Where in Iraq
is "Fort El Ahoud Urd Ali"?
190
00:08:16,534 --> 00:08:18,034
Peter, that's Fort Lauderdale.
191
00:08:18,035 --> 00:08:21,104
We're being shipped out to guard
freakin' spring break.
192
00:08:21,105 --> 00:08:22,439
- Sweet!
- All right!
193
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,207
Spring break on the land, not the water!
194
00:08:24,208 --> 00:08:27,077
No, it's not sweet. It's a joke.
This whole thing is a joke!
195
00:08:27,078 --> 00:08:29,279
Compared to the Navy,
the Coast Guard is totally
196
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,883
unprofessional and incompetent,
like that ancient Roman intern.
197
00:08:32,884 --> 00:08:35,986
This is Markus. Today's his first day.
198
00:08:35,987 --> 00:08:40,557
He's going to be crucifying you now.
199
00:08:40,558 --> 00:08:43,693
He might want to use his hammer.
200
00:08:43,694 --> 00:08:45,796
Ugh, sorry. I'm so bad at this.
201
00:08:45,797 --> 00:08:48,497
Relax, you're doing fine.
202
00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:53,837
Well, I'm off.
203
00:08:53,838 --> 00:08:55,806
Oh, Peter, I'm so worried.
204
00:08:55,807 --> 00:08:58,175
- Where are they stationing you?
- I can't tell you.
205
00:08:58,176 --> 00:09:00,376
That is on a knead-the-dough basis.
206
00:09:03,047 --> 00:09:04,481
- Florida?!
- Shh!
207
00:09:04,482 --> 00:09:06,817
Hey, you be safe.
208
00:09:06,818 --> 00:09:10,687
Wait, Dad, before you go,
can you teach me to shave?
209
00:09:10,688 --> 00:09:13,223
Well, for starters, bud, that's
supposed to be on your pubes.
210
00:09:13,224 --> 00:09:15,625
You got a secret inch
hiding under there.
211
00:09:15,626 --> 00:09:17,694
This is what I'm gonna be missing.
212
00:09:17,695 --> 00:09:20,230
Well, that's an unrelated car honking,
213
00:09:20,231 --> 00:09:21,931
but I'm gonna go now.
214
00:09:30,141 --> 00:09:32,809
Fort Lauderdale, Florida,
215
00:09:32,810 --> 00:09:36,413
where all the art in every
dentist's office comes from.
216
00:09:36,414 --> 00:09:38,582
All right, let's get to work.
Grab your binoculars.
217
00:09:38,583 --> 00:09:40,317
We got to practice
doing funny double-takes
218
00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:41,951
upon seeing a bikini woman.
219
00:09:47,124 --> 00:09:49,192
Sir, should I say, "Aaoogah," sir?
220
00:09:49,193 --> 00:09:51,828
Affirmative. And, Joe, I order
you to just let the binoculars
221
00:09:51,829 --> 00:09:54,297
fall right out of your hands,
but you don't even notice
222
00:09:54,298 --> 00:09:56,032
'cause of how foxy the woman is.
223
00:09:56,033 --> 00:09:57,467
All right, yeah.
224
00:09:57,468 --> 00:10:00,003
I can see that we got the right
skill set for this assignment.
225
00:10:00,004 --> 00:10:01,438
Okay, guys, knock it off.
226
00:10:01,439 --> 00:10:04,441
But, Quagmire, there's
spring break boobs everywhere!
227
00:10:04,442 --> 00:10:05,742
Come on, guys, I mean it.
228
00:10:05,743 --> 00:10:08,578
This is important. I want you
to start acting like it.
229
00:10:08,579 --> 00:10:10,413
- Wow, he's serious.
- He's very serious.
230
00:10:10,414 --> 00:10:12,214
We're in the motel now.
231
00:10:16,487 --> 00:10:19,189
Guys, we have to complete
a 160-point inspection
232
00:10:19,190 --> 00:10:20,657
of this coastal patrol cutter.
233
00:10:20,658 --> 00:10:21,825
I'll call them out.
234
00:10:21,826 --> 00:10:24,928
Item one: Hydraulic grapple-winch.
235
00:10:24,929 --> 00:10:26,296
Guys?
236
00:10:26,297 --> 00:10:28,864
We're over here,
painting clever names on boats.
237
00:10:38,609 --> 00:10:41,678
No, Peter, it's supposed
to be short and poppy.
238
00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:43,679
Oh, okay.
239
00:10:50,488 --> 00:10:53,790
Okay, guys, while I scan
for disabled watercraft,
240
00:10:53,791 --> 00:10:56,693
I need a status report
on that hydraulic grapple-winch.
241
00:10:56,694 --> 00:10:58,061
Guys?
242
00:10:58,062 --> 00:11:00,230
We're busy;
we're hanging out with Aquaman.
243
00:11:00,231 --> 00:11:01,998
I told you, I'm not Aquaman.
244
00:11:01,999 --> 00:11:03,533
I am the Sub-Mariner.
245
00:11:03,534 --> 00:11:05,669
- What's your deal?
- I'm just like Aquaman,
246
00:11:05,670 --> 00:11:07,537
but I can't get fish to do things.
247
00:11:07,538 --> 00:11:08,838
That's the big thing.
248
00:11:08,839 --> 00:11:10,807
I mean, isn't that all Aquaman does?
249
00:11:10,808 --> 00:11:12,742
No, he can also breathe underwater,
250
00:11:12,743 --> 00:11:14,444
and he's strong, like me.
251
00:11:14,445 --> 00:11:16,313
Isn't everyone strong underwater?
252
00:11:16,314 --> 00:11:18,148
No, no. Not like me.
253
00:11:18,149 --> 00:11:21,351
I can punch a big octopus
a really long way.
254
00:11:21,352 --> 00:11:22,519
Hey, guys.
255
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,187
- Hey, Aquaman!
- Yeah!
256
00:11:24,188 --> 00:11:26,089
Hey, make a fish do something.
257
00:11:26,090 --> 00:11:27,991
Aw, shucks, guys, I don't know.
258
00:11:27,992 --> 00:11:30,659
I guess I could do
something like... this.
259
00:11:35,866 --> 00:11:38,134
Wow, a real superhero.
260
00:11:38,135 --> 00:11:40,971
I-I have little wings on my feet!
261
00:11:40,972 --> 00:11:43,306
No, just-just, shh, shh.
Ju... it's over.
262
00:11:43,307 --> 00:11:44,773
It's over.
263
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,314
Hey, can you guys
keep it down for a bit?
264
00:11:51,315 --> 00:11:53,350
I got to have a FaceTime
conversation with my wife
265
00:11:53,351 --> 00:11:55,418
where we talk at the same time,
and then stop,
266
00:11:55,419 --> 00:11:56,919
and then start again, then laugh.
267
00:12:00,091 --> 00:12:01,257
- Hi, hon...
- Hi, hon...
268
00:12:01,258 --> 00:12:02,592
- No, no, you go...
- You go ahead.
269
00:12:02,593 --> 00:12:04,060
- No, I...
- Go ahead.
270
00:12:04,061 --> 00:12:05,494
- Y-You first.
- You first.
271
00:12:07,465 --> 00:12:09,165
- Hi, Pop.
- Oh, God, Stewie.
272
00:12:09,166 --> 00:12:10,500
You've gotten so big.
273
00:12:10,501 --> 00:12:12,135
No, I'm just in the foreground.
274
00:12:12,136 --> 00:12:13,837
You're as tall as your mother now.
275
00:12:13,838 --> 00:12:15,805
He... he doesn't understand perspective.
276
00:12:15,806 --> 00:12:17,640
All right, let me say good-bye to Mommy.
277
00:12:17,641 --> 00:12:19,676
- Well, you take ca...
- Good-bye, hon...
278
00:12:19,677 --> 00:12:20,777
- You go...
- Oh, what?
279
00:12:20,778 --> 00:12:22,078
- You go...
- No, I was just gonna say...
280
00:12:23,581 --> 00:12:25,315
Everything stinks.
281
00:12:25,316 --> 00:12:27,851
- Hey, Quagmire, where you going?
- I'm going home.
282
00:12:27,852 --> 00:12:29,452
- What? Why?
- 'Cause I'm sick of this.
283
00:12:29,453 --> 00:12:31,187
I'm the only one
taking the job seriously.
284
00:12:31,188 --> 00:12:33,289
Hell, you guys still don't
even know how to operate
285
00:12:33,290 --> 00:12:35,158
a simple hydraulic grapple-winch.
286
00:12:35,159 --> 00:12:36,893
Okay, that's the third time
you've mentioned
287
00:12:36,894 --> 00:12:38,361
the hydraulic grapple-winch.
288
00:12:38,362 --> 00:12:40,130
Is that gonna be important for later?
289
00:12:40,131 --> 00:12:42,198
I feel like maybe it is.
290
00:12:42,199 --> 00:12:43,700
Quagmire, you can't just go home.
291
00:12:43,701 --> 00:12:45,001
We're stationed here.
292
00:12:45,002 --> 00:12:46,703
I wasn't sentenced, but I came anyway
293
00:12:46,704 --> 00:12:49,005
because I thought I could try
and teach my friends
294
00:12:49,006 --> 00:12:51,474
what it means to serve
their country, the way I did.
295
00:12:51,475 --> 00:12:54,744
But you're hopeless, so I'm done.
296
00:12:54,745 --> 00:12:56,546
And I'm still the voice
297
00:12:56,547 --> 00:12:59,081
of Cris Collinsworth, and I'm done, too.
298
00:13:00,484 --> 00:13:02,419
Uhp, closet.
299
00:13:02,420 --> 00:13:04,320
Now I got it.
300
00:13:04,321 --> 00:13:05,755
Aw.
301
00:13:05,756 --> 00:13:08,658
I disappointed the stupidest guy
in football.
302
00:13:08,659 --> 00:13:11,561
- I got to go take a sad pee.
- Me, too.
303
00:13:11,562 --> 00:13:14,297
We should probably all go
urinate together, outdoors,
304
00:13:14,298 --> 00:13:17,700
as a group of guys, while
wearing backwards baseball caps,
305
00:13:17,701 --> 00:13:20,836
per Fort Lauderdale municipal law.
306
00:13:22,373 --> 00:13:24,374
The Florida ways are the best ways.
307
00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:26,109
Are we ready to attack?
308
00:13:26,110 --> 00:13:29,279
We are! And many people will die.
309
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:30,580
What the hell's that?
310
00:13:35,219 --> 00:13:36,820
Are we ready to attack?
311
00:13:36,821 --> 00:13:40,223
We are! And many people will die.
312
00:13:40,224 --> 00:13:42,225
- Oh, my God.
- Those evil frat boys
313
00:13:42,226 --> 00:13:44,327
are planning to kill spring break.
314
00:13:44,328 --> 00:13:47,230
And they only had time to record
two lines of dialogue.
315
00:13:47,231 --> 00:13:48,798
Are we ready to attack?
316
00:13:48,799 --> 00:13:52,034
We are! And many people will die.
317
00:13:55,973 --> 00:13:58,074
- We got to stop them.
- All right, let's just find
318
00:13:58,075 --> 00:14:00,110
a quiet place to come up with a plan.
319
00:14:00,111 --> 00:14:01,744
All right, here's what we do!
320
00:14:01,745 --> 00:14:04,080
We track down...
321
00:14:04,081 --> 00:14:06,416
we saw talking and...
322
00:14:06,417 --> 00:14:08,918
Joe, you get us some...
323
00:14:08,919 --> 00:14:11,387
And, Cleveland, I want you to get...
324
00:14:11,388 --> 00:14:13,957
buildings in the city.
325
00:14:13,958 --> 00:14:17,060
I'm still very unclear about the plan!
326
00:14:17,061 --> 00:14:19,062
Three more banana daiquiris.
327
00:14:19,063 --> 00:14:21,330
We track down the...
328
00:14:26,364 --> 00:14:28,432
Did you see all
of those guns and weapons
329
00:14:28,433 --> 00:14:30,034
those evil frat boys had?
330
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:31,502
I sure did.
331
00:14:31,503 --> 00:14:34,271
And we still haven't nailed down
a date for visiting Epcot.
332
00:14:34,272 --> 00:14:35,473
But what can we do?
333
00:14:35,474 --> 00:14:38,209
Quagmire was the only
real soldier among us.
334
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:39,844
You're right. Compared to him,
335
00:14:39,845 --> 00:14:43,246
we're about as useless as one of
those automatic bathroom sinks.
336
00:14:47,185 --> 00:14:49,185
Uhp. Uhp.
337
00:14:51,590 --> 00:14:53,256
Uhp.
338
00:14:55,260 --> 00:14:58,095
Uhp.
339
00:14:58,096 --> 00:14:59,663
Uhp. Uhp.
340
00:14:59,664 --> 00:15:01,065
Uhp. Uhp. Uhp.
341
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:02,132
Uhp.
342
00:15:02,133 --> 00:15:03,601
Uhp. Uhp.
343
00:15:03,602 --> 00:15:06,203
What the hell are you doing?
This is a women's bathroom.
344
00:15:06,204 --> 00:15:07,805
Uhp.
345
00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:10,741
Come on, guys, we don't need
Quagmire to do the right thing.
346
00:15:10,742 --> 00:15:11,976
I love that movie.
347
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:13,978
If there's gonna be an attack
at spring break,
348
00:15:13,979 --> 00:15:18,415
we can't just stand by while
people get hurt, or even killed.
349
00:15:18,416 --> 00:15:21,185
Joe's right. It's up to us to stop it.
350
00:15:21,186 --> 00:15:23,020
Because we're in the Coast Guard,
351
00:15:23,021 --> 00:15:25,788
and when you're here, you're family.
352
00:15:40,872 --> 00:15:42,039
- Great!
- Yeah!
353
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:45,109
- Ooh!
- Yeah, yeah.
354
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,710
That food was all very salty.
355
00:15:51,750 --> 00:15:53,517
There's so many people.
356
00:15:53,518 --> 00:15:56,119
We got to find those frat boys.
Look for anything suspicious.
357
00:15:57,255 --> 00:15:59,790
The Coors party ball is a dirty bomb!
358
00:15:59,791 --> 00:16:02,826
No, Peter, it's not; it's just
the coolest, freshest way
359
00:16:02,827 --> 00:16:05,195
to keep your party rolling
is what it is.
360
00:16:05,196 --> 00:16:06,463
This is hopeless!
361
00:16:06,464 --> 00:16:08,599
There's no way
to guess what their target is.
362
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,234
Final boarding call
363
00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:12,069
for the "Are We Ready To Attack, We Are,
364
00:16:12,070 --> 00:16:14,204
And Many People Will Die" booze cruise.
365
00:16:14,205 --> 00:16:16,640
Okay, I got a feeling about that one.
366
00:16:16,641 --> 00:16:18,375
- Let's go!
- No, guys.
367
00:16:18,376 --> 00:16:19,977
We'll never make it on foot.
368
00:16:19,978 --> 00:16:21,979
We got to steal that kid's Jet Ski.
369
00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:24,582
Peter, the boat's right there.
We'll totally make it.
370
00:16:24,583 --> 00:16:26,082
It's the only way, guys!
371
00:16:27,719 --> 00:16:30,054
Peter, we're now literally
standing on the boat.
372
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:31,888
That's how close the boat is.
373
00:16:32,958 --> 00:16:34,525
Made it!
374
00:16:34,526 --> 00:16:37,226
- You wanted to ride the Jet Ski.
- I wanted to ride the Jet Ski.
375
00:16:41,266 --> 00:16:43,934
How much you reckon
a boat like this cost?
376
00:16:43,935 --> 00:16:47,137
All right, everybody, freeze!
This is the U.S. Coast Guard.
377
00:16:47,138 --> 00:16:49,405
And when you're here, you're family.
378
00:17:03,288 --> 00:17:06,389
Anyway, U.S. Coast Guard.
You kids are...
379
00:17:07,959 --> 00:17:10,427
What are we gonna do?
We're way outgunned.
380
00:17:10,428 --> 00:17:11,862
Are any of you familiar
381
00:17:11,863 --> 00:17:14,598
with what's referred to
as a "Leeroy Jenkins"?
382
00:17:14,599 --> 00:17:16,233
Well, I don't know what that is,
383
00:17:16,234 --> 00:17:18,535
but let's make a very long,
elaborate plan.
384
00:17:18,536 --> 00:17:21,271
All right, so I'll run in first
and use an intimidating shout.
385
00:17:21,272 --> 00:17:22,473
When my shout's done,
386
00:17:22,474 --> 00:17:24,608
I'll need Joe to come in
and use his shout, too.
387
00:17:24,609 --> 00:17:25,776
What do you think, Joe?
388
00:17:25,777 --> 00:17:27,277
Can you give me
a number crunch real quick?
389
00:17:27,278 --> 00:17:29,213
Yeah, give me a sec.
I'm coming up with, uh,
390
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:31,949
32.33, repeating, of course.
391
00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:33,851
Okay, that's a lot better
than we usually do.
392
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:37,221
- So let's...
- Leeroy Jenkins!
393
00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:39,890
Oh, my God, he just ran in.
Let's go! Stick to the plan!
394
00:17:39,891 --> 00:17:41,325
Let's go, let's go!
395
00:17:41,326 --> 00:17:43,794
Aw, man.
396
00:17:43,795 --> 00:17:44,962
Aw, we're dying.
397
00:17:44,963 --> 00:17:46,797
Damn it, Cleveland.
398
00:17:46,798 --> 00:17:48,232
Where'd they get dragons?
399
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:50,768
These guys have magic, guys.
400
00:17:50,769 --> 00:17:52,169
I can't move.
401
00:17:52,170 --> 00:17:54,571
Oh, God!
402
00:17:54,572 --> 00:17:56,740
You know, Cleveland, you're an idiot.
403
00:17:56,741 --> 00:18:00,443
This episode has
a lot of Internet things.
404
00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:05,416
Ah, crap, we're gonna die.
405
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:06,717
Freeze!
406
00:18:08,353 --> 00:18:10,187
Quagmire, you came back!
407
00:18:10,188 --> 00:18:12,589
That's right. Because I'm in
the U.S. Coast Guard.
408
00:18:12,590 --> 00:18:14,657
- And when you're here...
- Oh, no, don't say it!
409
00:18:21,232 --> 00:18:23,567
Ah, I'm glad you came back, buddy.
410
00:18:23,568 --> 00:18:24,935
You really saved the day.
411
00:18:24,936 --> 00:18:26,737
Hey, where'd you get the machine gun?
412
00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:28,539
From the coastal patrol cutter.
413
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:32,443
"Machine gun" is item 49
of the 160-point inspection.
414
00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:35,746
Oh, that was when I was writing
homosexual stuff on the boat.
415
00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:38,115
- Too bad about the bomb.
- Bomb?
416
00:18:38,116 --> 00:18:39,850
Yep. Right here on the boat.
417
00:18:39,851 --> 00:18:42,853
Soon you will all do
the foamy dance of death.
418
00:18:42,854 --> 00:18:46,390
We are! And many people will die.
419
00:18:46,391 --> 00:18:48,424
He just says that one thing.
420
00:18:53,631 --> 00:18:56,466
The bomb is hidden in the foam.
421
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:02,306
Where is it?
422
00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:03,907
- Have you found it?
- No.
423
00:19:03,908 --> 00:19:06,610
I was thinking next Thursday
for Epcot, but no bomb.
424
00:19:06,611 --> 00:19:09,146
You're wasting your time;
the bomb will activate
425
00:19:09,147 --> 00:19:10,948
the moment the floor stops vibrating.
426
00:19:10,949 --> 00:19:13,317
Did you hear that? Twerk!
427
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,052
Twerk like you're Miley Cyrus
428
00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:17,053
trying to prove something to your dad!
429
00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:26,530
Found it!
430
00:19:30,401 --> 00:19:32,236
We're all gonna die!
431
00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:35,938
Oh, no, we're not.
I stole a Jet Ski from a kid.
432
00:19:44,616 --> 00:19:46,549
Ha, ha!
433
00:19:48,987 --> 00:19:50,553
Oh, I forgot they do that.
434
00:19:53,591 --> 00:19:55,626
Hydraulic grapple-winch!
435
00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:58,094
- Oh, yeah!
- From earlier!
436
00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:14,945
- We did it! It's over.
- 'Cause of you.
437
00:20:14,946 --> 00:20:16,947
Thanks for saving us, Quagmire.
438
00:20:16,948 --> 00:20:19,817
Eh, I was just doing my duty.
Just like you did.
439
00:20:19,818 --> 00:20:21,552
Good job, soldier.
440
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:24,855
Anyway, what matters is everyone's okay,
441
00:20:24,856 --> 00:20:26,523
thanks to the Coast Guard.
442
00:20:26,524 --> 00:20:28,524
Because when you're here...
443
00:20:29,861 --> 00:20:32,628
I'm not going back to that restaurant.
444
00:20:38,977 --> 00:20:41,435
I'm so happy you're back home
where you belong Peter.
445
00:20:41,444 --> 00:20:43,381
It's just not the same here without you.
446
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:44,300
Thanks Lois.
447
00:20:44,516 --> 00:20:46,349
And I thought about you not at all.
448
00:20:46,547 --> 00:20:49,302
Well I'm so proud of
my Coast Guard husband.
449
00:20:49,559 --> 00:20:51,959
And I'm proud of my Coast Guard dad.
450
00:20:52,314 --> 00:20:55,404
And I'm Bi-Sexual,
like all members of the Coast Guard.
451
00:20:55,548 --> 00:20:58,178
Goodnight Coast Guard,
hope you enjoyed the episode.
452
00:20:58,622 --> 00:21:01,622
- Synced and corrected by Lunee101 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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