Original subtitles

- The extraction point is room 201.

- Destination?

- Downtown.

- Target description.

- Room 201.

- That's it?

- You need an invitation?

- Hello there, come on down

to Lenny's auto sales and we'll sell you the car or truck...

- are you serious?

- What?

- How are we gonna hear him next door

if you have the TV on?

You never think about things, do you?

- I think about things.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Like what?

- Like...

- Hmm?

- How do you know it's a him?

- What?

- Uh-huh.

Yeah, how do you know it's a him?

He said target was 201,

how do you know it's a him, not a her?

- Hey, it's...

Yeah, of course, yeah, we're in room 202.

Yeah, of course the TV is off.

Yeah, everybody knows that.

Listen, so, is the target, is it a man or a woman?

Ah. Well, I mean, yeah, uh-huh.

No, I know, I just didn't want to assume that...

Yeah, you never specified, so...

Uh-huh. Yeah. That's great.

- What'd he say?

- He hung up.

- Is it him?

- Yep. He's walking next door.

- What'd he look like?

- What do you mean what does he look like,

he looks like a man.

- Caucasian? African-American?

Hispanic, Asian, what?

- Does it matter?

- It matters, I'm curious who I'm working with.

- Who you're working...?

He looks like a white guy. Ok?

- Caucasian.

- Yeah, and he looks like a Jew too,

if you wanna get specific.

- Whoa. It's Jewish.

Jewish, ok, there's a difference.

- Oh, gotcha.

So when I put a bullet in this Shylock's forehead,

I'll be sure to say Mazel Tov.

- No, what? No, Mazel Tov is for weddings.

No, listen, I'm just saying,

you could be a little bit more considerate.

- L'Chaim.

- What about him looks Jewish?

- I don't know, he looks like a Jew to me,

what can I say?

- Jewish. Jewish.

- Hey, would you keep it down?

I'm trying to have a conversation.

Ok?

Jew, Jewish, what is the difference?

It's the same word with a three-letter difference,

what is the big, it's not like I'm calling him a black.

- Whoa! No, come on, man.

- You know what? No, no, no.

Don't do this to me, don't do this to me, ok?

I voted for Obama, ok?

I'm good with the blacks.

What is so goddamn important?

- You can't say the blacks.

- Thank you.

- Fine. The African-Americans. Ok?

- No, that's not, you don't say it like that.

- Like what?

- You can say black people.

In fact, what you should say is African-American people.

- Amen.

- But you can't say the black people

or the African-American people.

You know, that assumes an exclusivity

that's sometimes a negative.

- High-five.

- It's the same with Jew and Jewish.

Jew is a racial distinction, whereas Jewish is a religion.

- So I can distinguish religion, just not race,

this is what you're saying?

- Right.

- What he said.

- Ok. Ok. That's great.

So you're ok with it, you agree with him.

- Yeah, I think we're on the same page.

- Yeah.

- So if I said that then man that we have to kill

is a Jewish man, not a Jew, then you'd be ok with that?

You'd be, you're good.

- I'd be ok with that.

- Yeah, I'm not Jewish.

- Except he's not Jewish.

See?

- Well, don't worry about it, buddy,

because we're gonna shoot your Jew ass anyway.

We're equal opportunity like that.

- It's Jewish!

Are you? Again with the? I can't.

- Ok, let me get this straight.

You're Hispanic.

- Yeah.

- Can I call you a spic?

- No. No, that's not at all what I was saying.

You completely missed the point of what I was telling you.

- I don't follow your logic at all.

- This guy won't stop making fucking noise.

- Hey. Come on. He's scared.

Have you been in a trunk, it's dark.

- We're gonna end his life in about two minutes

and you're worried about if he's scared?

What, do you want some pillows, you wanna put some

pillows back there next time, give him a little back rub?

- You know what? Be nice.

- I'm not having this conversation with you right now,

can we just do this?

Get out.

- You guys are what, what?

We're gonna do this?

- We aren't doing anything, we're gonna kill you.

Get out. Let's go.

- You need a hand.

Wait.

What did you mean by that?

- By what?

- Are we gonna kill him or aren't we?

You used the same pronoun twice.

- I meant that we, as in the three of us,

aren't going to do anything, but we,

as in you and I, are going to kill him.

I thought that was clear.

- Ok, fine.

With the finger pointing, that made sense.

I'm just saying, using the same pronoun

in the same sentence twice is a bit confusing.

Especially for my friend over here.

- He's not your friend!

- Are we doing this?

We're doing this? Really?

- Exactly. Thank you.

- Well, you know what, to be fair,

your friend was right, I was a bit confused.

- See?

- You were confused?

- Yeah.

- What's confusing about the situation?

You were in the trunk of a car, we have guns,

now we're on these railroad tracks,

what do you think is gonna happen here, a picnic?

- I'm not talking about inferences.

- Inferences?

- Yeah, I mean, I can infer from those circumstances

what will happen, but I can't determine

from your double pronoun usage what is going to happen.

- Jesus Christ, just get down on the ground,

get down on the ground right now.

- He's right. Ok? You gotta be clear.

- Jesus Christ, next thing you're gonna start talking

about the black and the Jews again.

- God!

- Black and Jews! Blacks and Jews!

- You can't say that.

- Listen, don't you tell me how to say what I wanna say, ok?

If I wanna say blacks and Jews, I will say

the blacks and the Jews. Shit.

Whoo.

- Well, that's done.

- Fuck it.

I'm texting the boss.

Shit.

- What? What did the boss say?

- We got the wrong guy.

- What?

- He says he's oriental.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

- 30 seconds to air, 30 seconds to air.

- Is that marijuana?

- Can I get another lighter?

Thank you very much.

Is what?

Relax. It's legal almost everywhere.

- You can't do the news high.

- Why? You don't ever do the news drunk?

- Ok.

- You don't do the new drunk either?

- No.

- You are a square.

Next thing you're gonna say, you also never drive drunk.

- No.

- This girl is rich.

I knew it, I knew when I met you

that you were not gonna be easy to get along with.

We got an eternity, we have seven seconds.

I could hit twice more, watch.

Do your warm-ups, whatever you do.

- In five, four, three,

two, one.

- Good evening.

I'm rob Richards.

- And I'm Sarah Saunders.

Tonight's breaking news, a prostitute named Britney Cummings

alleges that mayor Carmichael paid her for sex.

- This comes at an especially troubling time for the mayor,

considering, of course, he's running for re-election

in the fall.

- Tonight we bring you face to face with Britney

in an exclusive one to one interview.

- In our face to face segment. One on one.

We're gonna cut the interview up so you don't need to worry.

- Oh, ok.

It's not all gonna be on there.

We could even make out right now,

we wouldn't use it, I would just send you...

- we wouldn't need to, but I get where you're going.

We wouldn't have to.

- Everything's optional in life, you know? Free country.

Ever since Harriet Tubman did good works

for our black brothers and sisters.

- Freedom of speech.

- Absolutely. Man, I wanna fuck you so bad.

- Ok.

- Cocaine? Oh, we're recording?

Absolutely.

Britney, I'd like to thank you for being here on the show.

- Thank you for having me.

- Britney, sex with mayor Carmichael,

tell me about it.

- Before we get into that,

I just wanna let all my fans know

that they can follow me on Twitter, @britneyspolitics,

where we will be discussing my thoughts

on politics and such.

- Why come forward now, Britney?

- Because I'm in a privileged position.

You know, I have all the necessary information.

I'll be telling all of those details on my blog.

- I mean, you've been busy.

- I have been very busy, yeah,

I am in the talks for a reality show,

and I have a tell all mem-wire

that is coming to the book stores at the end of the month.

- When did you start having sex with him?

- Well, I'll be tweeting all those details to all my fans.

- Bet all your fans would love to hear those details now.

- Ok, follow me on Twitter, Robert.

I'll tell you one thing, I know his favorite food.

- I'm sorry?

- It's pickles.

His favorite food.

- His favorite food is pickles.

- Yup.

- Well, that's a hot, breaking news item

we've got right there.

Britney, have you seen the mayor more than once?

- I see him all the time.

- You see him all the time?

- He's on TV.

- Ok, that's clearly not what I meant with that question.

Well, I'd like to thank you for being here, Britney.

You've been a great guest.

- Thank you. Hashtag Britney's politics.

- Yeah, you should hashtag with that

because she's really great.

She's really great.

- Let's do that again.

- Ok.

- Are you ready?

- Yes.

- Positive energy.

- Yeah, but don't seem too eager.

- But not too complacent.

- Right.

- Hi, I'm Anna Smith.

- And I'm Dave Smith.

- And we are so excited about this opportunity

to adopt a child.

- It has been a dream of ours to have a family

and have children.

Weren't you supposed to say something next?

- No, you were supposed to say why we want children.

- I thought that you were going to explain

why we would make good parents.

- All right, you know what, fuck it, let's just start over,

check the script, ok?

- Good idea.

When is she coming?

- I think 1:30. Let me see what you're wearing.

Nice. Gun-toting republican.

Ah. Silicon valley, eats quinoa, drives a hybrid,

masculinity of a koala bear.

Rock star dad. Liberal.

Definitely well-hung.

- Oh. Very slutty.

Willing to suck the aluminum off a doorknob.

Great if she's a lesbian.

Hippy. Unshaved armpits.

You definitely meditate and practice yoga.

Practical. Uptight.

Has secret rape fantasies while shopping for clogs.

- Good. I think we have all of our bases covered.

- Hipster.

- Damn.

- Really, what is that?

If she puts on a pair of ironically-colored sunglasses,

I'm gonna break her fucking legs.

- Fuck it. We'll play it safe.

- Welcome.

- Come on in.

- Thank you.

- Can we get you anything to drink?

Some white wine, perhaps?

- I don't usually drink this early in the day.

- Oh, neither do we. Dave's a comedian.

- Always telling jokes.

Honey, can you help me in the kitchen?

- Sure.

We made some tasty treats.

- What the fuck?

- Well, she's not Asian, so definitely not the pot stickers.

Would you like something to eat?

- Where are you from?

- Brooklyn.

- Bagels?

- Wait for it.

But where are you from from?

My parents are German and English, Anna's are French.

- Um...

My father's from Israel

and my mother is from Atlanta.

Question.

- Jewish?

- Black?

- Blewish?

Here we go.

Some options I'm sure you'll like.

- Oh, bagels and lox are my favorite,

can I make you a plate?

- I'm fine. Now to some questions.

- We insist.

- I'm a vegan.

- That's ok.

- I know.

First question...

- yes. That's why we're here.

- Yes. Why do you want to adopt a child?

- Oh, well, we have talked about having children

and starting a family for a very long time.

Heaven knows we've tried, but the good lord

just hasn't blessed us with a child yet.

- So you are religious?

- Yes. - - No.

- We're spiritual.

- Don't say spiritual, you sound like a fucking loser,

it's a gay word.

- Do you plan on raising your child in the church?

- We are open to any and all faiths.

- Even a Muslim.

- What would you say the most important part

of being a parent is?

- Unconditional love.

Even for a special needs child.

- Oh, god.

- Not that we want a special needs child.

Not that every child doesn't deserve a home,

we just aren't specifically applying to get

a special needs child.

- What she's trying to say

is that education is really important to us.

We're both educated, we both went to Ivy league schools.

- Well, you went to Amherst.

- It's a little Ivy.

- It's not one of the real ivies.

- Anyway, we've already been checking out

the top preschools in the area.

- Private school then.

- Of course.

- Or not.

Public schools in this area

have really attractive qualities as well,

they're almost like private schools.

With the right people.

- We want our child to have the best education possible.

It is so hard to make it in this world

with a subpar education.

- I went to public school.

And I am a social worker.

- Right.

And that worked out fine for you.

- Just fine.

- We want our child to have diversity.

We would love our child to go to school

with people like you, people like your children.

- I don't have any children.

- Oh, well, you'll meet the right man one day.

- My wife and I have decided not to have kids.

Great.

Would you mind if I used your restroom?

- Sure. Down the hall, second door to the left.

- The smiths are articulate, educated,

financially stable, intelligent individuals.

However, the atmosphere is unquestionably judgmental.

I feel as though they are plotting their answers

and are rehearsed, cold,

calculating, not nurturing, possibly racist,

definitely elitist.

May I have my notes, please.

I think it's time for me to leave.

- We don't think that you have a good impression of us.

- We need more time together to explain our positions.

- Quite clear. Thank you.

- Wait a second.

- Excuse me.

- We are not trying to trap you, ok,

we are just trying to explain ourselves.

We are good people.

- I'm sorry, this is getting very, very uncomfortable.

- We just wanna mold a child in our own vision.

- Please step away.

- I know we come off as eager.

- Motivated, really.

- Would you please just let me leave?

Oh, my god!

- Hey, you. Let's start over.

- Fresh start.

- Oh, my god.

You're both horrible people.

- We are not horrible people.

- Definitely not horrible people.

- We are loving people.

- You're both fucking crazy.

- Dedicated.

- Delusional!

- Forward-thinking.

- Horrible! Horrible people.

A child would implode under these circumstances,

and there is no way that I will ever,

as long as I live, give you a child.

This is not a nurturing environment.

- This is a nurturing environment!

I think what would make our home special

is we're really good listeners.

I think we would do our best to listen

to our child's opinions.

- Even if we didn't agree with them.

- Hi there.

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

- We just really wanna start a family,

so we might've come off a little overeager.

- I think we were too eager, hon.

- Whoops.

- So, I think what we can do is slightly alter

your letter of recommendation here.

- We just just tweaked it a little bit for you,

and we painted ourselves in a more accurate portrait.

- You see there? Motivated.

Team spirit. Go-getters. Excited.

- Those are the words that more accurately describe us.

- So, we are gonna pop this letter of review

in your little envelope there

and then we are gonna drop it in the mail

and then we are all good.

- Thank you so much for all your help with this.

- Hi there, sweetie.

- She's just so perfect. She's just so cute.

- I have the photographer coming at three

to take pictures for the pre-preschool application.

She's gonna be the best student.

- We did it. We really did it.

- We deserve this.

- She's gonna be just like us.

- Exactly like us.

She's gonna be perfect.

Where are you going, you're not going anywhere.

We're gonna have you forever and ever and ever.

- Good morning.

How ya doing, Charlie, good to see ya.

Thank you all for coming out.

I would like to address the ridiculous allegations

made against me.

I want the voters to know that I am a victim

of a woman who desires fame.

A victim of a news media that sensationalizes

any and all allegations.

With god's help, and prayer,

my family and I will be able to get through this.

Thank you.

- Tonight we're joined by a special guest,

mayor Jimmy Carmichael,

who's here to respond to the allegations

recently placed against him by a known sex worker.

Mayor Carmichael, good evening,

thank you for being here.

- Thank you for having me.

- Let's just jump right in. Britney Cummings.

Any truth to the allegations?

- None.

- Have you ever met her?

- I am the victim of a witch hunt,

a woman hellbent on fame,

and a media circus just hungry for gossip.

- Mayor Carmichael...

- in today's society, a man's career is ruined

as soon as he is accused of rape.

- Shouldn't a man's career be ruined

if he rapes a woman?

- Well, that's just it.

Many times, if not most,

the man is innocent.

A rape-sex fantasy game gone wrong.

- What?

- Maybe they called out the wrong safe word.

People read headlines, never the entire story.

Many times, the man is the victim.

He's the one being raped.

- Many victims of rape lack the physical evidence

required to garner a conviction.

- Sarah, I'm sure you'll agree, if a woman

doesn't have proof, she should not make accusations.

- Mr. mayor, I think we've gotten a little off topic.

Britney Cummings.

- I've never met her.

- Her story.

- Complete fabrication.

- Well, there you have it, straight from the horse's mouth.

Mayor Jimmy Carmichael has never met Britney Cummings.

- So, how's work?

- Work's good.

- That's good.

- Yeah, it's good.

- Good to hear.

- That's the most action that you've gotten in a while.

It's been how long?

- It's been a month.

- A month?

It's been longer than that.

For sure. For sure.

It's been like a fucking, are you a virgin?

I feel sorry for you.

- Right, 'cause you're such a slut.

You're so slutty.

Your slut vibe actually deflowers me

by sitting on this couch.

- Say it like it's a fucking bad thing.

- It's like the sex just like comes off of you

and you're just like,

like I'm getting like fucked by your sex vibes.

- So, how are the ladies treating you?

- Treating me fine.

- That's good.

- Yeah.

- When was your last?

- Ooh.

That has been a while.

- You should try online dating.

- Are you serious?

- Seriously serious. I get a date or two a week.

- That's serious.

- Try it.

- No, I'm never going to do online dating,

it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

- Why don't you try online dating?

- 'Cause that's like what losers do.

- What?

- I am not doing online dating.

- You need it.

- No. Uh-uh.

Why am I gonna put myself out there like that

and be like, hey, come date me.

- It takes the work out

so that it can work it out.

- What the fuck are you doing?

I don't wanna touch that pillow.

I'm not gonna do it.

- Why you gotta knock it before you try it.

It's like shopping. It's shopping.

- For dicks.

- Online dating.

- Weird, right?

- Totally. I can't even believe I'm here.

You are so wrong for me.

- You are such a bore.

- You're a surfer.

- You drink wine coolers.

- You smoke marijuana.

- You just called it marijuana,

it's called pot, you loser.

- If only my coworkers could see me now.

- Oh, my god, you just said coworkers.

- Oh, my god, you wanna go back to my place and fuck?

- Jesus, your place is a nightmare.

- Oh, god. I love it.

Give it to me, you big republican.

- Oh, I'm gonna give it to you, you left wing socialist.

- I want you to capitalize all over my face.

- So, you're rendezvous last night?

- If I was to summarize it, I would say

- best

- date

- ever. I mean, who would've known?

Fucking online dating?

- Amazing.

- I mean, it was out of control.

- I think I might be proud.

- It sounded scary good, actually.

- I really went out of my comfort zone, didn't I?

- I think you did.

- Who would've thought, you know?

Like some khaki-wearing

- marijuana-smoking

- republican

- surfer girl hippy.

- I haven't been fucked like that in so long.

- I wanted to be in the room watching.

Taking notes.

- Did you say hippy?

- It was like somebody just like bent me over and was like...

- do me dirty, just do me like an animal.

- I do know, under the sheets, it was hot.

- Hot?

- Hot.

- Degree-wise, how hot?

- Fahrenheit or Celsius?

- Fahrenheit.

- 104.

- Now Celsius.

- 67.

- That's correct.

- It was like I saw and sang the star-spangled banner

all up in my shit, and it was like what?

- Amazing. Fuck!

- Will you see her again?

- Definitely.

- Oh, definitely. All of him.

- All of him?

- All of him.

- Think your banana republican

knows it's your birthday?

- He totally does.

I wrote it on his calendar.

- You wrote it on, he has a, what?

- Oh, my god, he totally knows it's my birthday.

He said, what, what the shit was that?

- What do you think he's gonna get you?

- I don't know. He said it was big. Huge big.

- Ooh, something big, huh?

What if it's a new board?

- Hey, birthday girl.

Hold on one second, it's quite large.

- You got me a hamper.

- Thanks, babe.

- Good work.

- So good, right?

- Totally.

Honey, look, do you mind if we just try something

a little different, maybe speed it up a little?

- Honey, I will ejaculate too fast.

- Besides, men's fitness said the best results

come from restraint.

Trust me. You'll see.

- Like how?

- You'll see.

Ok, second position.

Whoa, whoa.

Restraint.

Trust me.

- Awesome.

- That was super.

And the restraint? Right?

Makes you want it more.

- Yeah.

God, do I want it.

- Hey, I noticed today that your hamper was full.

- Yeah.

- Mine's empty.

- Yeah.

- It's empty because I know when it's full,

it's time to do the laundry.

- Clever.

You know, I actually really hate doing laundry,

so I was just kinda thinking that maybe I would,

you know, let all my laundry get dirty

and leave the extra dirty stuff on the floor.

- You just decided that.

- Mm-hm.

Oh, and by the way, I actually drank half a beer last night

and I left it in the fridge, I figured it would be,

you know, kind of a pain to go buy

just a bottle to make six.

- That, you did.

- Actually, you know, I'm gonna head out to the garage.

- Just don't forget our mommy-daddy time later.

- Mm, that's right. Restraint.

- Yes. Restraint.

- You know what, I actually read

about this new thing in women's fitness

where you don't have to do anything at all.

Oh, so you wanna help.

That's so funny, you've never wanted to help before.

- Well, I wanted to see what you love so much.

Increase our intimacy.

- Mm, you know, it's so funny, I have all this wax

but I keep misplacing it every week, isn't that strange?

- Weird.

Shucks, you know, since your wax is gone,

why don't we restrain our restraint for the day,

head into the bedroom.

- Oh, you know what, that's ok, I actually have some.

I keep an extra stash around in case somebody

just really wants to ruin my party.

- What luck.

Do you need help? Yeah, you need help.

- No, that's really ok.

- Nope, just let me go inside and get a knife.

- I'm just gonna go use the bathroom, ok? Thanks.

- No, thank you.

- What the hell is that?

- Sex wax.

- What the fuck are you doing? You're gonna ruin my board!

- You didn't do your laundry.

- Fuck laundry.

Here's your fucking laundry!

- Yeah!

- What did you do?

- We never have sex anymore.

- 'Cause it's all about restraint, you goddamn Nazi.

- You fucking hippy.

- I am not a hippy! I am a surfer!

- What the fuck is the difference?

Oh, god.

This got really out of control.

I'm sorry.

- Yeah, I mean, totally.

This is all my fault.

- What were we thinking? Online dating.

- Oh, my god, fucking online dating.

Oh, online dating.

- I'm sorry I killed your board.

- I've got so many more.

- You know what, look, I could really use a beer.

Could you get me a beer, I promise I will replace it.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, don't worry about the tops.

I'll go get us a beer. You one, me one, ok?

- No one ever calls me a fucking hippy.

- No!

- Game, set, match, bitches!

He didn't even know which one was my favorite.

- Oh, honey! Daddy's home!

- In shocking news tonight, north Korea has launched

nuclear weapons at the American coastline.

- Greetings, friends.

My name is Pradeep and today I'm here to share with you

a most important message on how you can have

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if only you learn to be yourself.

You see, there are no bad people on this earth.

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- Unique New York, unique New York, unique New York,

unique New York, unique New York, really?

- I mean, you've been doing this a long time,

you don't think you've got speaking down yet?

- You know, as soon as I get the transfer, you can...

- this is a top 40 market. This is a top 40 market.

Where you gonna try to go?

You gonna try to get to buffalo?

- Can I leave now, are we done?

- Good luck getting to buffalo.

Listen, we cover real news here,

we're not trying to sugarcoat anything, ok?

Want a gummer real quick or just a quick little bump?

No?

- In five, four, three...

- Good evening.

- Good evening.

- Tonight we have breaking news that may surprise you.

Mayor Jimmy Carmichael has been caught on tape

allegedly smoking crack

and receiving oral sex from Britney Cummings,

the sex worker who has been making allegations against him.

- Well said, well said, Sarah, just to recap, breaking news,

mayor Cummings, mayor Carmichael,

has indeed been receive, has allegedly in this video,

smoking the crack and also receiving

a b-b-b-bloral

of his knob and...

Now we go to the tape, here's the part of the tape

where he's allegedly receiving oral sex

and, boy, does it look like it feels great.

- Great.

Here the mayor is lighting what seems to be a crack pipe.

And here you can see...

- little warning on those tapes.

- And here the mayor is

allegedly receiving oral sex.

- I mean, can we stop with the allegedly game at this point?

It's the mayor, he's getting his dick sucked,

uh, penis knobbed upon.

- Ok, standards and practices.

- I said knobbed upon, I said knobbed upon,

I corrected it with knobbed upon.

- Also, legally, we can't accuse someone of something

they haven't been tried for.

- But can you acknowledge you can legally say knobbed upon?

- Robert, would you like to announce the next segment?

- I'm not sure we're done looking at that tape,

let's go back to the oral sex part of the videotape.

- I think we've seen it all.

- You're sexy, if you could stop being such a bitch.

- Hello, everyone.

I want to thank you for joining me on this journey.

This is a journey of self-discovery.

At the end of this journey you will discover

your limitless potential.

At the core of your potential

is one simple guiding principle.

Be yourself.

- Looking for easy to get along with roommate.

Beautiful views in Hollywood hills.

$750 per month.

- When you are yourself,

the universe will provide you with all that you need.

Repeat after me.

I am myself.

- I am myself.

- There is no one else like me.

- There is no one else like me.

- Now tell the universe who you are.

- I am an Oscar-winning actress.

- Again, tell the universe who you are.

- I am a famous Oscar-winning actress.

- Thank you again for joining me on this podcast.

I want to remind you the universe will provide

all that you need and want

when you follow the guiding principle,

be yourself.

- Hi!

- Hey!

- Maybelline?

- I'm Maybelline.

- Hi.

- I'm so glad I saw your ad for the room for rent.

This place is amazing, look at this view.

The only view I have at home is of my neighbor's backyard,

where he fixes cars.

He's got some chickens back there too

but it is nothing like this.

- Wow. Well, come on in.

- Ok.

- Isn't it good?

- Mm-hm.

- It's just Kale and celery.

Sometimes if I'm bad, I add some lemon.

- Mm, I can taste that lemon, that's tart.

What's the other thing?

- Kale.

- Kale?

- You've never heard of Kale?

- What is Kale?

- It's everything.

- Is it a meat?

- No, no, no, it's just a Superfood. It's a Superfood.

- A Superfood? That's cool.

- Ah, yeah.

- Gosh, you know about all that stuff, huh?

- Thank you.

- So, what do you do?

- I am an actress, actually.

- Oh, my god, me too!

Well, I mean, that's why I moved out here,

be a big movie star and all.

Oh, my god, that's so funny.

- So funny.

So, do you have any acting experience?

- Sure don't.

You know, I'm just a real lucky person,

so I figured I'd just come on out and get some tryouts.

- Auditions.

- What?

- They're not tryouts, they're auditions.

- Oh, auditions.

Oh, my god, bless your heart,

you got all the wisdom, I can tell.

So, have you been in anything I've seen?

- Yeah, actually, I was the starring role

in the end of the world 2.

- Is that a TV show?

- No, it's a blockbuster film.

- Oh, my god, wow. That's amazing.

- Yeah, it is, I'm surprised you haven't heard of it.

- Did it come out last year?

- No.

- Year before that?

- No, I took that year off.

- The year before that.

- It was nine years ago.

- Oh.

- Anyway, I still audition all the time, so it's...

- hard to get a job, huh?

- No, not for me.

I mean, like sometimes for me it is,

because either I'm too talented

or like they think that I'm too pretty for it

or all that sort of thing.

But I don't let it get me down 'cause I have

this spiritual adviser that I listen to,

spiritual adviser Pradeep.

- Spiritual guru Pradeep!

- Spiritual adviser.

- I listen to spiritual guru Pradeep too,

I love him.

Tell the universe who you are.

I'm Maybelline from Mississippi.

- Ok, I think it's a little bit more complicated than that.

- Is there a side b, 'cause that's all he says on mine.

- No, it's just, who you are

isn't just where you come from.

- It's like how much you weigh and how tall you are?

- Yeah, it just felt like,

I felt like really connected the entire time,

and I think with Sarah, like that character just,

she really lives in me.

- You did a fantastic job, so we'll see

how it all plays out.

- Totally understand.

- I should probably get out of here.

- You're kidding, come on,

come in for one drink.

- Ok, one drink.

- Oh.

- Hey.

- You're awake.

- Hey, I'm Maybelline.

- Ben.

- Y'all come in, come in.

- Ok.

Ew, what are you eating there?

- Nachos supreme. Extra cheese.

- Wow.

- Oh, what kind of meat is that?

- Canned. Yummy. You want some?

- No, god no.

- So, what ya do, Ben?

- I make movies.

- No kidding.

- Ben is a producer friend of mine

who is making a movie that I'm gonna be in.

You know, I'm really looking forward to meeting the team.

- Yeah.

- I wanted to tell you earlier, but I loved that script,

it's just so, it has such depth to it.

- Mm. So good.

- And that character Sarah, I just felt like I related

to her, you know, she's just so emotionally torn.

- Excuse me.

- Yeah.

I guess what I'm trying to say is just

it's before its time.

- Well, it's just an action movie.

- I love action movies.

I mean, you always end up cheering

and then like the good guys always win

and the bad guys always lose.

- Yes. Yes, they do.

- Maybelline's so simple, it's so cute.

- I just call it like I see it.

- No, no, I love that. See, nobody does that out here.

- You know what else is funny is she's from Mississippi,

she's a Mississippi girl.

- Mississippi? No fucking way, my dad is from Mississippi.

- Really? Where?

- Meridian.

- I got family in meridian.

I try to go out there at least a couple times a year,

my uncle's a high school football coach there.

- Go wildcats!

- Go wildcats.

- So, what brings you out here?

Wait, let me guess. Acting.

- Me? No.

I mean, I'd love to but,

I mean, Juliana, she's the pro.

- She's never done an audition in her entire life,

like she has no experience.

- No, no, nonsense.

You know what, you'd be perfect

for a project I'm working on.

I mean, we need real people, we need funny people.

- I mean, I don't know if I could act funny.

- But you know who can is me 'cause,

when I was on the set of the end of the world part two,

there was this part where we just had to improv on set

and we had to like punch up the script by improving.

- No, no, I don't want you to act at all.

I mean, that's the problem with actors,

they're always acting.

I just want you to be yourself.

- Just be myself?

- Be yourself.

- Just like Pradeep.

- Oh, yes, just like Pradeep, Maybelline.

- I'm Maybelline and I'm from Mississippi.

- Damn right you are.

- Yeah. Oh, fine.

Ok. Let's give it a try.

- Ok. Here goes.

Who wants a beer?

Bartender's been giving me the eye all night,

I bet I can get 'em for free.

After what we been through today,

we deserve a few beers, right?

Damn, you girls are the best.

I'd do anything for y'all.

I mean that.

- Huh.

- What'd ya think?

- Nothing, I mean, it's just,

you know, uh,

thing is is that you have to stand out.

You know, like you have to read

between the lines, subtext?

So, for example, I want you to imagine

that nobody ever gets the beers, ok?

And it really pisses you off.

- But...

- Maybelline, trust me on this, I've done it before.

- But Ben said just to be myself.

- Maybelline, this is Hollywood,

nobody really wants you to be yourself.

- Ok.

Who wants a beer?

Bartender's been giving me the eye all night.

- Perfect. That was great.

Ok, now for the next two lines,

I want you to be confused and sad.

- Maybe I can get 'em for free.

After what we've been through,

we deserve a few beers, right?

- Perfect. Ok, great.

And now to bring it home, I want you to act crazy,

completely crazy, I want you to act like a gorilla.

- Like a real gorilla?

Damn.

You girls are the best!

I'd do anything for y'all!

I mean that!

- Yes, perfect! That was perfect.

Last thing, at all times when you walk in there,

I want you to have some mystery behind your eyes,

so that you'll always keep them guessing, like,

who is she, what does she want, where is she from?

Exactly. Just like that.

Do it exactly like that.

- Now tell the universe who you are.

- I am a famous Oscar-winning actress.

- Again, tell the universe who you are.

- I am a famous Oscar-winning actress.

- How'd it go?

- I don't know.

I mean, I got so confused

and everybody was staring at me

and I didn't do any of the stuff we talked about.

- Oh, well, there'll be other chances.

- You think?

- Not with that casting director.

- Well, at least I got to meet Ben.

- Honey, he's never gonna call you again.

- He said I did a great job, Ben said I did a great job.

- Ok, I don't know what you're getting so excited about

because obviously he's just trying to be nice.

You didn't do any of the stuff that we talked about, right?

- I was just myself.

- Exactly.

- He said he wants to have dinner,

Ben wants to have dinner with me.

- Can't you just see that he's trying to fuck you?

You're so naive.

- Holy shit!

- Oh, is he sending you dick pics now?

- I got the part. I got the part.

- What?

- I got the part! I got the part!

I'm a real actress, I'm a real actress, I'm a real actress!

- Pradeep.

I am a famous Oscar-winning actress.

I am a famous Oscar-winning actress!

I am a famous Oscar-winning actress!

I am a famous Oscar-winning actress!

- Juliana?

Juliana?

- Ok, no, no, no. What am I doing?

I don't even care that you got this movie

because it is a stupid movie that's never gonna get made,

most of these things never get made.

- We're shooting next month!

- You don't deserve this!

Because you just got here and you drink beer

and you burp and you eat canned meat

and you're not talented and I am an actress

and I dedicated my life to this and this is my craft

and I deserve this!

That movie is going to fail!

- It's gonna be a trilogy.

Yes!

- Who wants a beer?

The bartender's been giving me the eye all night.

Who wants a beer, who...

Who wants a beer?

The bartender's been giving me the eye all night.

I'm auditioning for this big studio film

and I have to get it just right.

- That's great. Take your medicine.

- Who wants a beer?

The bartender's been giving me the eye all night.

Who wants a beer, the bartender's been giving me

the eye all night, who wants a beer, the bartender's

been giving me the eye all night, who wants a beer,

who wants a beer, who wants a beer,

the bartender's been giving me the eye all night.

- Good afternoon.

I come before you today to tell you the truth.

I smoked crack.

And according to the tape, I also had sex.

I don't remember having sex,

I was on drugs.

I'm sure many of you have had nights

that you don't remember,

nights that, well, that you regret.

And that's why drugs are bad.

Just say no.

I won't be taking any questions at this time.

Thank you.

- Good evening.

Tonight another one one one sit-down

with mayor Carmichael.

The topic, the mayor's parking lot sex scandal.

Good evening, Mr. mayor, thank you for being here.

- Thank you for having me.

- Mr. mayor, you were caught on tape smoking crack.

- I told the voters the truth.

- That you smoked crack.

- Yes.

- And had sex with a prostitute.

- According to the tape.

- The tape does show her head in your lap.

- You want specifics?

- Yes.

- Well, technically, the tape shows her head

underneath the steering wheel,

we don't know what she was doing,

and, uh, I can't remember.

Technically, we don't know what happened.

- Possibilities you can think of?

- Uh...

We haven't done any background checks on her

to see if she has a mechanics license,

'cause that would make a lot of sense for me,

and if a fellow citizen did drop a contact lens,

I would be the first one to help them try to find it.

- Let's move on to another topic then.

- Mayor Carmichael, last time you were here,

you claimed you had never met Britney Cummings.

- That's true.

As I said before, I was on drugs,

so I cannot remember what I did or didn't do that night

or who I'd met, so that was the truth.

I told you the truth as I knew it.

- Some say you have a moral obligation

to step down from office.

- I am being crucified for telling the truth.

It was my public safety initiative that was responsible

for the installation of cameras

in all public parking facilities.

I sacrificed my privacy

for the safety of this city's citizens.

Since I've been in office, there's been

a 23% reduction in crime,

and a 15% reduction in violent crime.

Safety.

- But that's beside the point.

- Do you mean to tell me that you're not interested

in your fellow citizens' safety?

- No, of course, I'm not saying that.

- Our citizens deserve safety.

Safety is American.

And I'm a patriot.

Do you love your country, Sarah?

- Yes, of course I love my country.

- Safety. It's American.

Government watching over its citizens

is what makes us great.

- Don't you mean government watching out

for its citizens is what makes us safe?

- If you believe in safety,

vote Carmichael for mayor come this fall.

I wanna thank you all for joining us this evening.

Good night.

- Good night.

- Wow. This Rosemary chicken looks amazing.

- You're amazing.

- What?

- You're amazing.

I know we've only been dating three weeks,

but, god, I feel,

it's just going really well, isn't it?

- I know. Totally.

- I didn't wanna

- say anything?

- I know, you never wanna

- come on too strong?

- Yeah.

Man, I need that.

- Good job.

- You were incredible.

- I loved it. I like it from behind.

- Yeah. Me too.

- Be right back.

- All right.

Had a great time yesterday.

Still exhausted. Free to do it again?

I mean lunch, you naughty girl.

Get you mind out of the gutter. Lol.

- Definitely. Same time same place.

And it's ok, I'm down to skip lunch too.

Fyi, I'm trying on different lingerie. Wanna see?

- Yes, please. Why don't you wear it next time?

- And you can rip it off me.

- Who the fuck is this?

- Who the fuck is this?

- I'm the girl at Derrick's place right now.

- So did you confront him?

- No.

- Why not?

- I didn't wanna give that fucker the satisfaction.

I'm his fuck-buddy, he's my fuck-buddy.

- Good point.

You think there are others?

- How would he have the time?

- How many times a week do you see him?

- Two to three.

- We're at the one to two stage.

- Oh.

- I mean, honestly, it's just for sex,

which is totally fine with me,

I'm not the relationship type.

- Oh, neither.

- Still, annoying to get surprised.

- I hate the surprise.

- That fucker.

- That fucker.

- Well, the least we can do is return the favor.

- What? Like confront him?

- I'd love to kill him.

- Wow. This Rosemary chicken looks amazing.

- You're amazing.

- What?

- You're amazing.

I know we've only been dating three weeks,

but, god, I feel,

it's just going really well, isn't it?

- I know. Totally.

I feel the same way, I just

- didn't wanna say anything.

- I know, you never wanna

- come on too strong.

- I'm not expecting anyone.

Bizarre.

- Hi, honey.

- Hi there, cutie.

- Hey. Girls.

- I think that's his o-face.

- His o-face?

- You know, his, oh, oh, oh!

- His o-face.

Although, you know what, come to think of it,

I was never really looking at his face.

- Me neither. He wasn't that good.

- Right? Kind of a letdown.

- Least it's cardio.

- Wow. You weren't kidding.

- No, I don't kid around.

- So there's that.

- That fucker.

- Honey.

Are you ok?

- Wait.

What happened?

Who are you?

- You passed out.

- Right after we shot Derrick.

Rookie.

- Takes time.

- Ok, let's try this again.

I'm Kayla.

- And I'm Dana.

And we're the other two girls that Derrick

was fucking behind your back.

- That fucker.

Do you think people are gonna look for him?

- Who, like other girls?

- I don't know, his family?

This is bad, isn't it?

- It did tire me out.

- I know, right?

- I'm serious. I don't wanna go to jail.

- You know, it's been a long night.

- It has, hasn't it?

- Julie, why don't you grab the shovel?

- Good idea.

- Ok, I'm spent. Someone take over.

- Well, I killed him, that's my manual labor for the day.

- Fair enough.

That should do it.

- Are you kidding me?

- Let's go get that body.

- Ok.

Come on, Julie.

- Well. That worked out well.

- Right?

They both fit in the same hole.

Two for one.

- Good job.

- Thanks.

- Let's go.

- Ok.

I'm gonna go inside, do you want anything?

- No, I'm ok.

- Ready?

- I'm so tired.

Do you mind if we crash for a while

before we go back to L.A.?

- No, not at all.

You know, I'm really hungry so it might be good

to order something to eat.

- Yeah. You know, like, maybe pizza?

- Yeah, that'd be great.

Yeah, one pepperoni pizza.

Thanks.

I'm gonna go get ice.

- Ok.

Is that you?

- Yep.

You know, I really feel as though

we've become really good friends.

- Yeah. I feel the same way.

I mean, I can't believe I've only known you for three days.

Feels like I've known you forever.

You know, who says women can't be friends?

- Right.

- Didn't you just order pizza?

- Yes. He couldn't have been that fast.

Who do you think it is?

- I don't know. Go check.

- What if it's the fucking cops?

- Ok. I'm coming out.

What the fuck?

- Cranky's pizza.

Five minutes or it's,

well, hello there, ladies.

- Well, that was fast.

- Apparently not fast enough.

- You're kidding, right?

Come on, we got the pizzas,

now just get out of here.

- All right, sorry.

The sodas are warm.

Hey, why do y'all got a shovel in here?

Kinky.

- In a stunning event, mayor Carmichael

has been re-elected as mayor.

- Good afternoon and America.

The mayor of Carmichael has...

- Apparently, voters responded to his integrity

and honesty, and his commitment to safety.

- Charismatic.

- Words.

- Sarah, to you, back to you.

- Thanks for watching, I'm Sarah Saunders.

- Now you're doing my lines.

- And this is Robert Richards.

- Now you're, no, no...

- Stay tuned for the new hit show Britney's world.

- I feel like you're staring at me.

I feel like you're staring at me,

I'm not gonna stand for that, ok?

- I'm not a showman, I'm not here to entertain you.

- Oh, that went well.

This was great. Really.

Get your penis out of my face.

- Next on Britney's world,

Britney tackles your questions on healthcare.

- I don't understand the whole thing about Obamacare.

Just use a condom.

- The economy.

- How can we make the economy better?

Just buy stuff.

- The middle east.