All language subtitles for Bad.People.2016.WEB-DL.x264-FGT

- The extraction
point is room 201.

- Destination?

- Downtown.

- Target description.

- Room 201.

- That's it?

- You need an invitation?

- Hello there, come on down

to Lenny's auto sales and we'll
sell you the car or truck...

- are you serious?

- What?

- How are we gonna
hear him next door

if you have the TV on?

You never think
about things, do you?

- I think about things.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Like what?

- Like...

- Hmm?

- How do you know it's a him?

- What?

- Uh-huh.

Yeah, how do you
know it's a him?

He said target was 201,

how do you know it's
a him, not a her?

- Hey, it's...

Yeah, of course, yeah,
we're in room 202.

Yeah, of course the TV is off.

Yeah, everybody knows that.

Listen, so, is the target,
is it a man or a woman?

Ah. Well, I mean, yeah, uh-huh.

No, I know, I just didn't
want to assume that...

Yeah, you never specified, so...

Uh-huh. Yeah. That's great.

- What'd he say?

- He hung up.

- Is it him?

- Yep. He's walking next door.

- What'd he look like?

- What do you mean
what does he look like,

he looks like a man.

- Caucasian? African-American?

Hispanic, Asian, what?

- Does it matter?

- It matters, I'm curious
who I'm working with.

- Who you're working...?

He looks like a white guy. Ok?

- Caucasian.

- Yeah, and he looks
like a Jew too,

if you wanna get specific.

- Whoa. It's Jewish.

Jewish, ok, there's
a difference.

- Oh, gotcha.

So when I put a bullet in
this Shylock's forehead,

I'll be sure to say Mazel Tov.

- No, what? No, Mazel
Tov is for weddings.

No, listen, I'm just saying,

you could be a little
bit more considerate.

- L'Chaim.

- What about him looks Jewish?

- I don't know, he
looks like a Jew to me,

what can I say?

- Jewish. Jewish.

- Hey, would you keep it down?

I'm trying to have
a conversation.

Ok?

Jew, Jewish, what
is the difference?

It's the same word with a
three-letter difference,

what is the big, it's not
like I'm calling him a black.

- Whoa! No, come on, man.

- You know what? No, no, no.

Don't do this to me,
don't do this to me, ok?

I voted for Obama, ok?

I'm good with the blacks.

What is so goddamn important?

- You can't say the blacks.

- Thank you.

- Fine. The
African-Americans. Ok?

- No, that's not, you
don't say it like that.

- Like what?

- You can say black people.

In fact, what you should say
is African-American people.

- Amen.

- But you can't say
the black people

or the African-American people.

You know, that
assumes an exclusivity

that's sometimes a negative.

- High-five.

- It's the same
with Jew and Jewish.

Jew is a racial distinction,
whereas Jewish is a religion.

- So I can distinguish
religion, just not race,

this is what you're saying?

- Right.

- What he said.

- Ok. Ok. That's great.

So you're ok with it,
you agree with him.

- Yeah, I think we're
on the same page.

- Yeah.

- So if I said that then
man that we have to kill

is a Jewish man, not a Jew,
then you'd be ok with that?

You'd be, you're good.

- I'd be ok with that.

- Yeah, I'm not Jewish.

- Except he's not Jewish.

See?

- Well, don't worry
about it, buddy,

because we're gonna shoot
your Jew ass anyway.

We're equal
opportunity like that.

- It's Jewish!

Are you? Again
with the? I can't.

- Ok, let me get this straight.

You're Hispanic.

- Yeah.

- Can I call you a spic?

- No. No, that's not at
all what I was saying.

You completely missed the point
of what I was telling you.

- I don't follow
your logic at all.

- This guy won't stop
making fucking noise.

- Hey. Come on. He's scared.

Have you been in a
trunk, it's dark.

- We're gonna end his
life in about two minutes

and you're worried
about if he's scared?

What, do you want some
pillows, you wanna put some

pillows back there next time,
give him a little back rub?

- You know what? Be nice.

- I'm not having this
conversation with you right now,

can we just do this?

Get out.

- You guys are what, what?

We're gonna do this?

- We aren't doing anything,
we're gonna kill you.

Get out. Let's go.

- You need a hand.

Wait.

What did you mean by that?

- By what?

- Are we gonna kill
him or aren't we?

You used the same pronoun twice.

- I meant that we, as
in the three of us,

aren't going to do
anything, but we,

as in you and I, are
going to kill him.

I thought that was clear.

- Ok, fine.

With the finger pointing,
that made sense.

I'm just saying,
using the same pronoun

in the same sentence
twice is a bit confusing.

Especially for my
friend over here.

- He's not your friend!

- Are we doing this?

We're doing this? Really?

- Exactly. Thank you.

- Well, you know
what, to be fair,

your friend was right,
I was a bit confused.

- See?

- You were confused?

- Yeah.

- What's confusing
about the situation?

You were in the trunk
of a car, we have guns,

now we're on these
railroad tracks,

what do you think is gonna
happen here, a picnic?

- I'm not talking
about inferences.

- Inferences?

- Yeah, I mean, I can infer
from those circumstances

what will happen,
but I can't determine

from your double pronoun
usage what is going to happen.

- Jesus Christ, just
get down on the ground,

get down on the
ground right now.

- He's right. Ok?
You gotta be clear.

- Jesus Christ, next thing
you're gonna start talking

about the black
and the Jews again.

- God!

- Black and Jews!
Blacks and Jews!

- You can't say that.

- Listen, don't you tell me how
to say what I wanna say, ok?

If I wanna say blacks
and Jews, I will say

the blacks and the
Jews. Shit.

Whoo.

- Well, that's done.

- Fuck it.

I'm texting the boss.

Shit.

- What? What did the boss say?

- We got the wrong guy.

- What?

- He says he's oriental.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

- 30 seconds
to air, 30 seconds to air.

- Is that marijuana?

- Can I get another lighter?

Thank you very much.

Is what?

Relax. It's legal
almost everywhere.

- You can't do the news high.

- Why? You don't ever
do the news drunk?

- Ok.

- You don't do the
new drunk either?

- No.

- You are a square.

Next thing you're gonna say,
you also never drive drunk.

- No.

- This girl is rich.

I knew it, I knew when I met you

that you were not gonna
be easy to get along with.

We got an eternity,
we have seven seconds.

I could hit twice more, watch.

Do your warm-ups,
whatever you do.

- In five, four, three,

two, one.

- Good evening.

I'm rob Richards.

- And I'm Sarah Saunders.

Tonight's breaking news, a
prostitute named Britney Cummings

alleges that mayor
Carmichael paid her for sex.

- This comes at an especially
troubling time for the mayor,

considering, of course,
he's running for re-election

in the fall.

- Tonight we bring you
face to face with Britney

in an exclusive one
to one interview.

- In our face to face
segment. One on one.

We're gonna cut the interview
up so you don't need to worry.

- Oh, ok.

It's not all gonna be on there.

We could even make
out right now,

we wouldn't use it, I
would just send you...

- we wouldn't need to, but
I get where you're going.

We wouldn't have to.

- Everything's optional in
life, you know? Free country.

Ever since Harriet
Tubman did good works

for our black
brothers and sisters.

- Freedom of speech.

- Absolutely. Man, I
wanna fuck you so bad.

- Ok.

- Cocaine? Oh, we're recording?

Absolutely.

Britney, I'd like to thank you
for being here on the show.

- Thank you for having me.

- Britney, sex with
mayor Carmichael,

tell me about it.

- Before we get into that,

I just wanna let
all my fans know

that they can follow me on
Twitter, @britneyspolitics,

where we will be
discussing my thoughts

on politics and such.

- Why come forward now, Britney?

- Because I'm in a
privileged position.

You know, I have all the
necessary information.

I'll be telling all of
those details on my blog.

- I mean, you've been busy.

- I have been very busy, yeah,

I am in the talks
for a reality show,

and I have a tell all mem-wire

that is coming to the book
stores at the end of the month.

- When did you start
having sex with him?

- Well, I'll be tweeting all
those details to all my fans.

- Bet all your fans would love
to hear those details now.

- Ok, follow me on
Twitter, Robert.

I'll tell you one thing,
I know his favorite food.

- I'm sorry?

- It's pickles.

His favorite food.

- His favorite food is pickles.

- Yup.

- Well, that's a hot,
breaking news item

we've got right there.

Britney, have you seen
the mayor more than once?

- I see him all the time.

- You see him all the time?

- He's on TV.

- Ok, that's clearly not what
I meant with that question.

Well, I'd like to thank you
for being here, Britney.

You've been a great guest.

- Thank you. Hashtag
Britney's politics.

- Yeah, you should
hashtag with that

because she's really great.

She's really great.

- Let's do that again.

- Ok.

- Are you ready?

- Yes.

- Positive energy.

- Yeah, but don't
seem too eager.

- But not too complacent.

- Right.

- Hi, I'm Anna Smith.

- And I'm Dave Smith.

- And we are so excited
about this opportunity

to adopt a child.

- It has been a dream
of ours to have a family

and have children.

Weren't you supposed
to say something next?

- No, you were supposed to
say why we want children.

- I thought that you
were going to explain

why we would make good parents.

- All right, you know what,
fuck it, let's just start over,

check the script, ok?

- Good idea.

When is she coming?

- I think 1:30. Let me
see what you're wearing.

Nice. Gun-toting republican.

Ah. Silicon valley, eats
quinoa, drives a hybrid,

masculinity of a koala bear.

Rock star dad. Liberal.

Definitely well-hung.

- Oh. Very slutty.

Willing to suck the
aluminum off a doorknob.

Great if she's a lesbian.

Hippy. Unshaved armpits.

You definitely meditate
and practice yoga.

Practical. Uptight.

Has secret rape fantasies
while shopping for clogs.

- Good. I think we have
all of our bases covered.

- Hipster.

- Damn.

- Really, what is that?

If she puts on a pair of
ironically-colored sunglasses,

I'm gonna break
her fucking legs.

- Fuck it. We'll play it safe.

- Welcome.

- Come on in.

- Thank you.

- Can we get you
anything to drink?

Some white wine, perhaps?

- I don't usually drink
this early in the day.

- Oh, neither do we.
Dave's a comedian.

- Always telling jokes.

Honey, can you help
me in the kitchen?

- Sure.

We made some tasty treats.

- What the fuck?

- Well, she's not Asian, so
definitely not the pot stickers.

Would you like something to eat?

- Where are you from?

- Brooklyn.

- Bagels?

- Wait for it.

But where are you from from?

My parents are German and
English, Anna's are French.

- Um...

My father's from Israel

and my mother is from Atlanta.

Question.

- Jewish?

- Black?

- Blewish?

Here we go.

Some options I'm
sure you'll like.

- Oh, bagels and
lox are my favorite,

can I make you a plate?

- I'm fine. Now
to some questions.

- We insist.

- I'm a vegan.

- That's ok.

- I know.

First question...

- yes. That's why we're here.

- Yes. Why do you
want to adopt a child?

- Oh, well, we have talked
about having children

and starting a family
for a very long time.

Heaven knows we've
tried, but the good lord

just hasn't blessed
us with a child yet.

- So you are religious?

- Yes.
- - No.

- We're spiritual.

- Don't say spiritual, you
sound like a fucking loser,

it's a gay word.

- Do you plan on raising
your child in the church?

- We are open to
any and all faiths.

- Even a Muslim.

- What would you say
the most important part

of being a parent is?

- Unconditional love.

Even for a special needs child.

- Oh, god.

- Not that we want a
special needs child.

Not that every child
doesn't deserve a home,

we just aren't specifically
applying to get

a special needs child.

- What she's trying to say

is that education is
really important to us.

We're both educated, we both
went to Ivy league schools.

- Well, you went to Amherst.

- It's a little Ivy.

- It's not one of
the real ivies.

- Anyway, we've already
been checking out

the top preschools in the area.

- Private school then.

- Of course.

- Or not.

Public schools in this area

have really attractive
qualities as well,

they're almost like
private schools.

With the right people.

- We want our child to have
the best education possible.

It is so hard to
make it in this world

with a subpar education.

- I went to public school.

And I am a social worker.

- Right.

And that worked
out fine for you.

- Just fine.

- We want our child
to have diversity.

We would love our
child to go to school

with people like you,
people like your children.

- I don't have any children.

- Oh, well, you'll meet
the right man one day.

- My wife and I have
decided not to have kids.

Great.

Would you mind if I
used your restroom?

- Sure. Down the hall,
second door to the left.

- The smiths are
articulate, educated,

financially stable,
intelligent individuals.

However, the atmosphere is
unquestionably judgmental.

I feel as though they are
plotting their answers

and are rehearsed, cold,

calculating, not
nurturing, possibly racist,

definitely elitist.

May I have my notes, please.

I think it's time
for me to leave.

- We don't think that you
have a good impression of us.

- We need more time together
to explain our positions.

- Quite clear. Thank you.

- Wait a second.

- Excuse me.

- We are not trying
to trap you, ok,

we are just trying
to explain ourselves.

We are good people.

- I'm sorry, this is getting
very, very uncomfortable.

- We just wanna mold a
child in our own vision.

- Please step away.

- I know we come off as eager.

- Motivated, really.

- Would you please
just let me leave?

Oh, my god!

- Hey, you. Let's start over.

- Fresh start.

- Oh, my god.

You're both horrible people.

- We are not horrible people.

- Definitely not
horrible people.

- We are loving people.

- You're both fucking crazy.

- Dedicated.

- Delusional!

- Forward-thinking.

- Horrible! Horrible people.

A child would implode
under these circumstances,

and there is no way
that I will ever,

as long as I live,
give you a child.

This is not a
nurturing environment.

- This is a nurturing
environment!

I think what would
make our home special

is we're really good listeners.

I think we would do
our best to listen

to our child's opinions.

- Even if we
didn't agree with them.

- Hi there.

I think we got off
on the wrong foot.

- We just really
wanna start a family,

so we might've come
off a little overeager.

- I think we were
too eager, hon.

- Whoops.

- So, I think what we
can do is slightly alter

your letter of
recommendation here.

- We just just tweaked
it a little bit for you,

and we painted ourselves in
a more accurate portrait.

- You see there? Motivated.

Team spirit.
Go-getters. Excited.

- Those are the words that
more accurately describe us.

- So, we are gonna pop
this letter of review

in your little envelope there

and then we are gonna
drop it in the mail

and then we are all good.

- Thank you so much for
all your help with this.

- Hi there, sweetie.

- She's just so perfect.
She's just so cute.

- I have the photographer
coming at three

to take pictures for the
pre-preschool application.

She's gonna be the best student.

- We did it. We really did it.

- We deserve this.

- She's gonna be just like us.

- Exactly like us.

She's gonna be perfect.

Where are you going,
you're not going anywhere.

We're gonna have you
forever and ever and ever.

- Good morning.

How ya doing, Charlie,
good to see ya.

Thank you all for coming out.

I would like to address
the ridiculous allegations

made against me.

I want the voters to
know that I am a victim

of a woman who desires fame.

A victim of a news media
that sensationalizes

any and all allegations.

With god's help, and prayer,

my family and I will be
able to get through this.

Thank you.

- Tonight we're joined
by a special guest,

mayor Jimmy Carmichael,

who's here to respond
to the allegations

recently placed against
him by a known sex worker.

Mayor Carmichael, good evening,

thank you for being here.

- Thank you for having me.

- Let's just jump right
in. Britney Cummings.

Any truth to the allegations?

- None.

- Have you ever met her?

- I am the victim
of a witch hunt,

a woman hellbent on fame,

and a media circus
just hungry for gossip.

- Mayor Carmichael...

- in today's society, a
man's career is ruined

as soon as he is
accused of rape.

- Shouldn't a man's
career be ruined

if he rapes a woman?

- Well, that's just it.

Many times, if not most,

the man is innocent.

A rape-sex fantasy
game gone wrong.

- What?

- Maybe they called out
the wrong safe word.

People read headlines,
never the entire story.

Many times, the
man is the victim.

He's the one being raped.

- Many victims of rape
lack the physical evidence

required to garner a conviction.

- Sarah, I'm sure
you'll agree, if a woman

doesn't have proof, she
should not make accusations.

- Mr. mayor, I think we've
gotten a little off topic.

Britney Cummings.

- I've never met her.

- Her story.

- Complete fabrication.

- Well, there you have it,
straight from the horse's mouth.

Mayor Jimmy Carmichael has
never met Britney Cummings.

- So, how's work?

- Work's good.

- That's good.

- Yeah, it's good.

- Good to hear.

- That's the most action that
you've gotten in a while.

It's been how long?

- It's been a month.

- A month?

It's been longer than that.

For sure. For sure.

It's been like a fucking,
are you a virgin?

I feel sorry for you.

- Right, 'cause
you're such a slut.

You're so slutty.

Your slut vibe
actually deflowers me

by sitting on this couch.

- Say it like it's
a fucking bad thing.

- It's like the sex just
like comes off of you

and you're just like,

like I'm getting like
fucked by your sex vibes.

- So, how are the
ladies treating you?

- Treating me fine.

- That's good.

- Yeah.

- When was your last?

- Ooh.

That has been a while.

- You should try online dating.

- Are you serious?

- Seriously serious. I
get a date or two a week.

- That's serious.

- Try it.

- No, I'm never going
to do online dating,

it's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard of.

- Why don't
you try online dating?

- 'Cause that's
like what losers do.

- What?

- I am not doing online dating.

- You need it.

- No. Uh-uh.

Why am I gonna put myself
out there like that

and be like, hey, come date me.

- It takes the work out

so that it can work it out.

- What the fuck are you doing?

I don't wanna touch that pillow.

I'm not gonna do it.

- Why you gotta knock
it before you try it.

It's like shopping.
It's shopping.

- For dicks.

- Online dating.

- Weird, right?

- Totally. I can't
even believe I'm here.

You are so wrong for me.

- You are such a bore.

- You're a surfer.

- You drink wine coolers.

- You smoke marijuana.

- You just called it marijuana,

it's called pot, you loser.

- If only my coworkers
could see me now.

- Oh, my god, you
just said coworkers.

- Oh, my god, you wanna go
back to my place and fuck?

- Jesus, your place
is a nightmare.

- Oh, god. I love it.

Give it to me, you
big republican.

- Oh, I'm gonna give it to
you, you left wing socialist.

- I want you to capitalize
all over my face.

- So, you're
rendezvous last night?

- If I was to summarize
it, I would say

- best

- date

- ever. I mean,
who would've known?

Fucking online dating?

- Amazing.

- I mean, it was out of control.

- I think I might be proud.

- It sounded scary
good, actually.

- I really went out of my
comfort zone, didn't I?

- I think you did.

- Who would've
thought, you know?

Like some khaki-wearing

- marijuana-smoking

- republican

- surfer girl hippy.

- I haven't been fucked
like that in so long.

- I wanted to be in
the room watching.

Taking notes.

- Did you say hippy?

- It was like somebody just
like bent me over and was like...

- do me dirty, just
do me like an animal.

- I do know, under the
sheets, it was hot.

- Hot?

- Hot.

- Degree-wise, how hot?

- Fahrenheit or Celsius?

- Fahrenheit.

- 104.

- Now Celsius.

- 67.

- That's correct.

- It was like I saw and sang
the star-spangled banner

all up in my shit,
and it was like what?

- Amazing. Fuck!

- Will you see her again?

- Definitely.

- Oh, definitely. All of him.

- All of him?

- All of him.

- Think your banana republican

knows it's your birthday?

- He totally does.

I wrote it on his calendar.

- You wrote it on,
he has a, what?

- Oh, my god, he totally
knows it's my birthday.

He said, what, what
the shit was that?

- What do you
think he's gonna get you?

- I don't know. He said
it was big. Huge big.

- Ooh, something big, huh?

What if it's a new board?

- Hey, birthday girl.

Hold on one second,
it's quite large.

- You got me a hamper.

- Thanks, babe.

- Good work.

- So good, right?

- Totally.

Honey, look, do you mind
if we just try something

a little different, maybe
speed it up a little?

- Honey, I will
ejaculate too fast.

- Besides, men's fitness
said the best results

come from restraint.

Trust me. You'll see.

- Like how?

- You'll see.

Ok, second position.

Whoa, whoa.

Restraint.

Trust me.

- Awesome.

- That was super.

And the restraint? Right?

Makes you want it more.

- Yeah.

God, do I want it.

- Hey, I noticed today
that your hamper was full.

- Yeah.

- Mine's empty.

- Yeah.

- It's empty because
I know when it's full,

it's time to do the laundry.

- Clever.

You know, I actually
really hate doing laundry,

so I was just kinda
thinking that maybe I would,

you know, let all
my laundry get dirty

and leave the extra
dirty stuff on the floor.

- You just decided that.

- Mm-hm.

Oh, and by the way, I actually
drank half a beer last night

and I left it in the fridge,
I figured it would be,

you know, kind of
a pain to go buy

just a bottle to make six.

- That, you did.

- Actually, you know, I'm
gonna head out to the garage.

- Just don't forget our
mommy-daddy time later.

- Mm, that's right. Restraint.

- Yes. Restraint.

- You know what, I actually read

about this new thing
in women's fitness

where you don't have
to do anything at all.

Oh, so you wanna help.

That's so funny, you've
never wanted to help before.

- Well, I wanted to see
what you love so much.

Increase our intimacy.

- Mm, you know, it's so
funny, I have all this wax

but I keep misplacing it every
week, isn't that strange?

- Weird.

Shucks, you know,
since your wax is gone,

why don't we restrain our
restraint for the day,

head into the bedroom.

- Oh, you know what, that's
ok, I actually have some.

I keep an extra stash
around in case somebody

just really wants
to ruin my party.

- What luck.

Do you need help?
Yeah, you need help.

- No, that's really ok.

- Nope, just let me go
inside and get a knife.

- I'm just gonna go use
the bathroom, ok? Thanks.

- No, thank you.

- What the hell is that?

- Sex wax.

- What the fuck are you doing?
You're gonna ruin my board!

- You didn't do your laundry.

- Fuck laundry.

Here's your fucking laundry!

- Yeah!

- What did you do?

- We never have sex anymore.

- 'Cause it's all about
restraint, you goddamn Nazi.

- You fucking hippy.

- I am not a hippy!
I am a surfer!

- What the fuck
is the difference?

Oh, god.

This got really out of control.

I'm sorry.

- Yeah, I mean, totally.

This is all my fault.

- What were we
thinking? Online dating.

- Oh, my god, fucking
online dating.

Oh, online dating.

- I'm sorry I killed your board.

- I've got so many more.

- You know what, look, I
could really use a beer.

Could you get me a beer, I
promise I will replace it.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, no,
don't worry about the tops.

I'll go get us a beer.
You one, me one, ok?

- No one ever calls
me a fucking hippy.

- No!

- Game, set, match, bitches!

He didn't even know which
one was my favorite.

- Oh, honey! Daddy's home!

- In shocking news tonight,
north Korea has launched

nuclear weapons at the
American coastline.

- Greetings, friends.

My name is Pradeep and today
I'm here to share with you

a most important message
on how you can have

all the things you
want in your life.

Love, joy, peace,

riches, fame, success,

and happiness can all be yours

if only you learn
to be yourself.

You see, there are no
bad people on this earth.

There are no good
people on this earth.

There are just people
being themselves,

doing what is best for them.

And you too can be
one of these people.

For just $19.95 you too
can learn to be yourself

and have all the
happiness, riches,

and success you deserve.

Call today.

- Unique New York, unique
New York, unique New York,

unique New York, unique
New York, really?

- I mean, you've
been doing this a long time,

you don't think you've
got speaking down yet?

- You know, as soon as I
get the transfer, you can...

- this is a top 40 market.
This is a top 40 market.

Where you gonna try to go?

You gonna try to get to buffalo?

- Can I leave now, are we done?

- Good luck getting to buffalo.

Listen, we cover real news here,

we're not trying to
sugarcoat anything, ok?

Want a gummer real quick or
just a quick little bump?

No?

- In five, four, three...

- Good evening.

- Good evening.

- Tonight we have breaking
news that may surprise you.

Mayor Jimmy Carmichael
has been caught on tape

allegedly smoking crack

and receiving oral sex
from Britney Cummings,

the sex worker who has been
making allegations against him.

- Well said, well said, Sarah,
just to recap, breaking news,

mayor Cummings,
mayor Carmichael,

has indeed been receive,
has allegedly in this video,

smoking the crack
and also receiving

a b-b-b-bloral

of his knob and...

Now we go to the tape,
here's the part of the tape

where he's allegedly
receiving oral sex

and, boy, does it look
like it feels great.

- Great.

Here the mayor is lighting
what seems to be a crack pipe.

And here you can see...

- little warning on those tapes.

- And here the mayor is

allegedly receiving oral sex.

- I mean, can we stop with the
allegedly game at this point?

It's the mayor, he's
getting his dick sucked,

uh, penis knobbed upon.

- Ok, standards and practices.

- I said knobbed upon,
I said knobbed upon,

I corrected it
with knobbed upon.

- Also, legally, we can't
accuse someone of something

they haven't been tried for.

- But can you acknowledge you
can legally say knobbed upon?

- Robert, would you like to
announce the next segment?

- I'm not sure we're done
looking at that tape,

let's go back to the oral
sex part of the videotape.

- I think we've seen it all.

- You're sexy, if you could
stop being such a bitch.

- Hello, everyone.

I want to thank you for
joining me on this journey.

This is a journey
of self-discovery.

At the end of this
journey you will discover

your limitless potential.

At the core of your potential

is one simple guiding principle.

Be yourself.

- Looking for easy
to get along with roommate.

Beautiful views in
Hollywood hills.

$750 per month.

- When you are yourself,

the universe will provide
you with all that you need.

Repeat after me.

I am myself.

- I am myself.

- There is no one else like me.

- There is no one else like me.

- Now tell the
universe who you are.

- I am an Oscar-winning actress.

- Again, tell
the universe who you are.

- I am a famous
Oscar-winning actress.

- Thank you again
for joining me on this podcast.

I want to remind you the
universe will provide

all that you need and want

when you follow the
guiding principle,

be yourself.

- Hi!

- Hey!

- Maybelline?

- I'm Maybelline.

- Hi.

- I'm so glad I saw your
ad for the room for rent.

This place is amazing,
look at this view.

The only view I have at home
is of my neighbor's backyard,

where he fixes cars.

He's got some chickens
back there too

but it is nothing like this.

- Wow. Well, come on in.

- Ok.

- Isn't it good?

- Mm-hm.

- It's just Kale and celery.

Sometimes if I'm bad,
I add some lemon.

- Mm, I can taste that
lemon, that's tart.

What's the other thing?

- Kale.

- Kale?

- You've never heard of Kale?

- What is Kale?

- It's everything.

- Is it a meat?

- No, no, no, it's just a
Superfood. It's a Superfood.

- A Superfood? That's cool.

- Ah, yeah.

- Gosh, you know about
all that stuff, huh?

- Thank you.

- So, what do you do?

- I am an actress, actually.

- Oh, my god, me too!

Well, I mean, that's
why I moved out here,

be a big movie star and all.

Oh, my god, that's so funny.

- So funny.

So, do you have any
acting experience?

- Sure don't.

You know, I'm just
a real lucky person,

so I figured I'd just come
on out and get some tryouts.

- Auditions.

- What?

- They're not tryouts,
they're auditions.

- Oh, auditions.

Oh, my god, bless your heart,

you got all the
wisdom, I can tell.

So, have you been in
anything I've seen?

- Yeah, actually, I
was the starring role

in the end of the world 2.

- Is that a TV show?

- No, it's a blockbuster film.

- Oh, my god, wow.
That's amazing.

- Yeah, it is, I'm surprised
you haven't heard of it.

- Did it come out last year?

- No.

- Year before that?

- No, I took that year off.

- The year before that.

- It was nine years ago.

- Oh.

- Anyway, I still audition
all the time, so it's...

- hard to get a job, huh?

- No, not for me.

I mean, like sometimes
for me it is,

because either I'm too talented

or like they think that
I'm too pretty for it

or all that sort of thing.

But I don't let it get
me down 'cause I have

this spiritual adviser
that I listen to,

spiritual adviser Pradeep.

- Spiritual guru Pradeep!

- Spiritual adviser.

- I listen to spiritual
guru Pradeep too,

I love him.

Tell the universe who you are.

I'm Maybelline from Mississippi.

- Ok, I think it's a little
bit more complicated than that.

- Is there a side b, 'cause
that's all he says on mine.

- No, it's just, who you are

isn't just where you come from.

- It's like how much you
weigh and how tall you are?

- Yeah, it just felt like,

I felt like really
connected the entire time,

and I think with Sarah,
like that character just,

she really lives in me.

- You did a
fantastic job, so we'll see

how it all plays out.

- Totally understand.

- I should
probably get out of here.

- You're kidding, come on,

come in for one drink.

- Ok, one drink.

- Oh.

- Hey.

- You're awake.

- Hey, I'm Maybelline.

- Ben.

- Y'all come in, come in.

- Ok.

Ew, what are you eating there?

- Nachos supreme. Extra cheese.

- Wow.

- Oh, what kind of meat is that?

- Canned. Yummy. You want some?

- No, god no.

- So, what ya do, Ben?

- I make movies.

- No kidding.

- Ben is a producer
friend of mine

who is making a movie
that I'm gonna be in.

You know, I'm really looking
forward to meeting the team.

- Yeah.

- I wanted to tell you earlier,
but I loved that script,

it's just so, it has
such depth to it.

- Mm. So good.

- And that character Sarah,
I just felt like I related

to her, you know, she's
just so emotionally torn.

- Excuse me.

- Yeah.

I guess what I'm
trying to say is just

it's before its time.

- Well, it's just
an action movie.

- I love action movies.

I mean, you always
end up cheering

and then like the
good guys always win

and the bad guys always lose.

- Yes. Yes, they do.

- Maybelline's so
simple, it's so cute.

- I just call it like I see it.

- No, no, I love that. See,
nobody does that out here.

- You know what else is funny
is she's from Mississippi,

she's a Mississippi girl.

- Mississippi? No fucking way,
my dad is from Mississippi.

- Really? Where?

- Meridian.

- I got family in meridian.

I try to go out there at
least a couple times a year,

my uncle's a high school
football coach there.

- Go wildcats!

- Go wildcats.

- So, what brings you out here?

Wait, let me guess. Acting.

- Me? No.

I mean, I'd love to but,

I mean, Juliana, she's the pro.

- She's never done an
audition in her entire life,

like she has no experience.

- No, no, nonsense.

You know what, you'd be perfect

for a project I'm working on.

I mean, we need real people,
we need funny people.

- I mean, I don't know
if I could act funny.

- But you know who
can is me 'cause,

when I was on the set of the
end of the world part two,

there was this part where
we just had to improv on set

and we had to like punch
up the script by improving.

- No, no, I don't want
you to act at all.

I mean, that's the
problem with actors,

they're always acting.

I just want you to be yourself.

- Just be myself?

- Be yourself.

- Just like Pradeep.

- Oh, yes, just like
Pradeep, Maybelline.

- I'm Maybelline and
I'm from Mississippi.

- Damn right you are.

- Yeah. Oh, fine.

Ok. Let's give it a try.

- Ok. Here goes.

Who wants a beer?

Bartender's been giving
me the eye all night,

I bet I can get 'em for free.

After what we been
through today,

we deserve a few beers, right?

Damn, you girls are the best.

I'd do anything for y'all.

I mean that.

- Huh.

- What'd ya think?

- Nothing, I mean, it's just,

you know, uh,

thing is is that you
have to stand out.

You know, like you have to read

between the lines, subtext?

So, for example, I
want you to imagine

that nobody ever
gets the beers, ok?

And it really pisses you off.

- But...

- Maybelline, trust me on
this, I've done it before.

- But Ben said
just to be myself.

- Maybelline, this is Hollywood,

nobody really wants
you to be yourself.

- Ok.

Who wants a beer?

Bartender's been giving
me the eye all night.

- Perfect. That was great.

Ok, now for the next two lines,

I want you to be
confused and sad.

- Maybe I can get 'em for free.

After what we've been through,

we deserve a few beers, right?

- Perfect. Ok, great.

And now to bring it home,
I want you to act crazy,

completely crazy, I want
you to act like a gorilla.

- Like a real gorilla?

Damn.

You girls are the best!

I'd do anything for y'all!

I mean that!

- Yes, perfect!
That was perfect.

Last thing, at all times
when you walk in there,

I want you to have some
mystery behind your eyes,

so that you'll always
keep them guessing, like,

who is she, what does she
want, where is she from?

Exactly. Just like that.

Do it exactly like that.

- Now tell the
universe who you are.

- I am a famous
Oscar-winning actress.

- Again, tell
the universe who you are.

- I am a famous
Oscar-winning actress.

- How'd it go?

- I don't know.

I mean, I got so confused

and everybody was staring at me

and I didn't do any of
the stuff we talked about.

- Oh, well, there'll
be other chances.

- You think?

- Not with that
casting director.

- Well, at least
I got to meet Ben.

- Honey, he's never
gonna call you again.

- He said I did a great job,
Ben said I did a great job.

- Ok, I don't know what you're
getting so excited about

because obviously he's
just trying to be nice.

You didn't do any of the stuff
that we talked about, right?

- I was just myself.

- Exactly.

- He said he wants
to have dinner,

Ben wants to have
dinner with me.

- Can't you just see that
he's trying to fuck you?

You're so naive.

- Holy shit!

- Oh, is he sending
you dick pics now?

- I got the part.
I got the part.

- What?

- I got the part!
I got the part!

I'm a real actress, I'm a real
actress, I'm a real actress!

- Pradeep.

I am a famous
Oscar-winning actress.

I am a famous
Oscar-winning actress!

I am a famous
Oscar-winning actress!

I am a famous
Oscar-winning actress!

- Juliana?

Juliana?

- Ok, no, no, no.
What am I doing?

I don't even care that
you got this movie

because it is a stupid movie
that's never gonna get made,

most of these things
never get made.

- We're shooting next month!

- You don't deserve this!

Because you just got
here and you drink beer

and you burp and
you eat canned meat

and you're not talented
and I am an actress

and I dedicated my life to
this and this is my craft

and I deserve this!

That movie is going to fail!

- It's gonna be a trilogy.

Yes!

- Who wants a beer?

The bartender's been giving
me the eye all night.

Who wants a beer, who...

Who wants a beer?

The bartender's been giving
me the eye all night.

I'm auditioning for
this big studio film

and I have to get it just right.

- That's great.
Take your medicine.

- Who wants a beer?

The bartender's been giving
me the eye all night.

Who wants a beer, the
bartender's been giving me

the eye all night, who wants
a beer, the bartender's

been giving me the eye all
night, who wants a beer,

who wants a beer,
who wants a beer,

the bartender's been giving
me the eye all night.

- Good afternoon.

I come before you today
to tell you the truth.

I smoked crack.

And according to the
tape, I also had sex.

I don't remember having sex,

I was on drugs.

I'm sure many of
you have had nights

that you don't remember,

nights that, well,
that you regret.

And that's why drugs are bad.

Just say no.

I won't be taking any
questions at this time.

Thank you.

- Good evening.

Tonight another one
one one sit-down

with mayor Carmichael.

The topic, the mayor's
parking lot sex scandal.

Good evening, Mr. mayor,
thank you for being here.

- Thank you for having me.

- Mr. mayor, you were caught
on tape smoking crack.

- I told the voters the truth.

- That you smoked crack.

- Yes.

- And had sex with a prostitute.

- According to the tape.

- The tape does show
her head in your lap.

- You want specifics?

- Yes.

- Well, technically,
the tape shows her head

underneath the steering wheel,

we don't know what
she was doing,

and, uh, I can't remember.

Technically, we don't
know what happened.

- Possibilities
you can think of?

- Uh...

We haven't done any
background checks on her

to see if she has a
mechanics license,

'cause that would make
a lot of sense for me,

and if a fellow citizen
did drop a contact lens,

I would be the first one to
help them try to find it.

- Let's move on to
another topic then.

- Mayor Carmichael,
last time you were here,

you claimed you had never
met Britney Cummings.

- That's true.

As I said before,
I was on drugs,

so I cannot remember what I
did or didn't do that night

or who I'd met, so
that was the truth.

I told you the
truth as I knew it.

- Some say you have
a moral obligation

to step down from office.

- I am being crucified
for telling the truth.

It was my public safety
initiative that was responsible

for the installation of cameras

in all public
parking facilities.

I sacrificed my privacy

for the safety of
this city's citizens.

Since I've been in
office, there's been

a 23% reduction in crime,

and a 15% reduction
in violent crime.

Safety.

- But that's beside the point.

- Do you mean to tell me
that you're not interested

in your fellow citizens' safety?

- No, of course,
I'm not saying that.

- Our citizens deserve safety.

Safety is American.

And I'm a patriot.

Do you love your country, Sarah?

- Yes, of course
I love my country.

- Safety. It's American.

Government watching
over its citizens

is what makes us great.

- Don't you mean
government watching out

for its citizens is
what makes us safe?

- If you believe in safety,

vote Carmichael for
mayor come this fall.

I wanna thank you all for
joining us this evening.

Good night.

- Good night.

- Wow. This Rosemary
chicken looks amazing.

- You're amazing.

- What?

- You're amazing.

I know we've only been
dating three weeks,

but, god, I feel,

it's just going
really well, isn't it?

- I know. Totally.

- I didn't wanna

- say anything?

- I know, you never wanna

- come on too strong?

- Yeah.

Man, I need that.

- Good job.

- You were incredible.

- I loved it. I
like it from behind.

- Yeah. Me too.

- Be right back.

- All right.

Had a great time yesterday.

Still exhausted.
Free to do it again?

I mean lunch, you naughty girl.

Get you mind out
of the gutter. Lol.

- Definitely.
Same time same place.

And it's ok, I'm down
to skip lunch too.

Fyi, I'm trying on different
lingerie. Wanna see?

- Yes, please. Why
don't you wear it next time?

- And you can rip it off me.

- Who the fuck is this?

- Who the fuck is this?

- I'm the girl at
Derrick's place right now.

- So did you confront him?

- No.

- Why not?

- I didn't wanna give that
fucker the satisfaction.

I'm his fuck-buddy,
he's my fuck-buddy.

- Good point.

You think there are others?

- How would he have the time?

- How many times a
week do you see him?

- Two to three.

- We're at the one to two stage.

- Oh.

- I mean, honestly,
it's just for sex,

which is totally fine with me,

I'm not the relationship type.

- Oh, neither.

- Still, annoying
to get surprised.

- I hate the surprise.

- That fucker.

- That fucker.

- Well, the least we can
do is return the favor.

- What? Like confront him?

- I'd love to kill him.

- Wow. This Rosemary
chicken looks amazing.

- You're amazing.

- What?

- You're amazing.

I know we've only been
dating three weeks,

but, god, I feel,

it's just going
really well, isn't it?

- I know. Totally.

I feel the same way, I just

- didn't wanna say anything.

- I know, you never wanna

- come on too strong.

- I'm not expecting anyone.

Bizarre.

- Hi, honey.

- Hi there, cutie.

- Hey. Girls.

- I think that's his o-face.

- His o-face?

- You know, his, oh, oh, oh!

- His o-face.

Although, you know what,
come to think of it,

I was never really
looking at his face.

- Me neither. He
wasn't that good.

- Right?
Kind of a letdown.

- Least it's cardio.

- Wow. You weren't kidding.

- No, I don't kid around.

- So there's that.

- That fucker.

- Honey.

Are you ok?

- Wait.

What happened?

Who are you?

- You passed out.

- Right after we shot Derrick.

Rookie.

- Takes time.

- Ok, let's try this again.

I'm Kayla.

- And I'm Dana.

And we're the other
two girls that Derrick

was fucking behind your back.

- That fucker.

Do you think people
are gonna look for him?

- Who, like other girls?

- I don't know, his family?

This is bad, isn't it?

- It did tire me out.

- I know, right?

- I'm serious. I don't
wanna go to jail.

- You know, it's
been a long night.

- It has, hasn't it?

- Julie, why don't
you grab the shovel?

- Good idea.

- Ok, I'm spent.
Someone take over.

- Well, I killed him, that's
my manual labor for the day.

- Fair enough.

That should do it.

- Are you kidding me?

- Let's go get that body.

- Ok.

Come on, Julie.

- Well. That worked out well.

- Right?

They both fit in the same hole.

Two for one.

- Good job.

- Thanks.

- Let's go.

- Ok.

I'm gonna go inside,
do you want anything?

- No, I'm ok.

- Ready?

- I'm so tired.

Do you mind if we
crash for a while

before we go back to L.A.?

- No, not at all.

You know, I'm really
hungry so it might be good

to order something to eat.

- Yeah. You know,
like, maybe pizza?

- Yeah, that'd be great.

Yeah, one pepperoni pizza.

Thanks.

I'm gonna go get ice.

- Ok.

Is that you?

- Yep.

You know, I really
feel as though

we've become really
good friends.

- Yeah. I feel the same way.

I mean, I can't believe I've
only known you for three days.

Feels like I've
known you forever.

You know, who says
women can't be friends?

- Right.

- Didn't you just order pizza?

- Yes. He couldn't
have been that fast.

Who do you think it is?

- I don't know. Go check.

- What if it's the fucking cops?

- Ok. I'm coming out.

What the fuck?

- Cranky's pizza.

Five minutes or it's,

well, hello there, ladies.

- Well, that was fast.

- Apparently not fast enough.

- You're kidding, right?

Come on, we got the pizzas,

now just get out of here.

- All right, sorry.

The sodas are warm.

Hey, why do y'all
got a shovel in here?

Kinky.

- In a stunning event,
mayor Carmichael

has been re-elected as mayor.

- Good afternoon and America.

The mayor of Carmichael has...

- Apparently, voters
responded to his integrity

and honesty, and his
commitment to safety.

- Charismatic.

- Words.

- Sarah, to you, back to you.

- Thanks for watching,
I'm Sarah Saunders.

- Now you're doing my lines.

- And this is Robert Richards.

- Now you're, no, no...

- Stay tuned for the new
hit show Britney's world.

- I feel like you're
staring at me.

I feel like you're
staring at me,

I'm not gonna
stand for that, ok?

- I'm not a showman, I'm
not here to entertain you.

- Oh, that went well.

This was great. Really.

Get your penis out of my face.

- Next on Britney's world,

Britney tackles your
questions on healthcare.

- I don't understand the
whole thing about Obamacare.

Just use a condom.

- The economy.

- How can we make
the economy better?

Just buy stuff.

- The middle east.