All language subtitles for Appropriate Behavior 2014 HDRip X264 AC3-PLAYNOW

DON'T FORGET THIS.

THAT WAS A PRESENT FOR YOU.

I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE
HOLDING ON TO IT.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO WITH IT?

THROW IT AWAY.

FINE.

WE WERE AN "IT" COUPLE.

NOT REALLY.

LIKE WHEN WE'D GO TO PARTIES
AND THERE WAS DANCING,

WE'D START DANCING
AND EVERYONE WOULD

MAKE A CIRCLE AROUND US
AND WATCH US DANCE.

OKAY.

OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU
TELL ME

WHAT YOU NEED, SHIRIN?

I NEED MY GIRLFRIEND BACK.

DUDE, I REALLY THINK

YOU JUST NEED TO MOURN THIS
AND MOVE ON.

I REALLY WANT TO EAT
MY FEELINGS RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK THAT'S AN AMAZING IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE ORDER
ALL THE FATTY, DISGUSTING FOODS

WE NEVER LET OURSELVES EAT?

OKAY.

HEY, GIRLS.
HOW YOU DOIN' TODAY?

HEY.
FANTASTIC.

AND YOU?
UH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

BRENDAN.
BRENDAN.

HEY, I'M CRYSTAL.

HEY, CRYSTAL.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU TODAY?

UM, LET ME SEE.

I WOULD LOVE AN...

UNSWEETENED GLASS
OF ICED TEA.

NO PROBLEM.
THANK YOU.

AND CAN I JUST HAVE ONE
OF THOSE COMPLIMENTARY MINTS

I SAW BY THE ENTRANCE
AND A GLASS OF ICE WATER

AND A LITTLE BIT OF LEMON
IN THERE.

OKAY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANKS, BRENDAN.

MMM, DELISH.

MMM, CAN'T WAIT.

I'M DEAD INSIDE.

CAN YOU TELL
JUST BY LOOKING AT ME

THAT I'M DEAD INSIDE?

I REALLY THINK
YOU HAD TO END IT.

I MEAN, SHE WASN'T EVEN
FUCKING YOU TOWARDS THE END.

MAYBE IT WAS A PHASE.

THANKS, BRENDAN.

HOW ABOUT "GIRAFFE"?

WHAT ABOUT "SAFE WORD"?

LIKE THE WORD "SAFE WORD"
AS OUR SAFE WORD?

LET'S CUT OUT THE MIDDLEMAN,

'CAUSE WHAT HAPPENS
IF YOU FORGET YOUR SAFE WORD?

OKAY, THEN,
THE SAFE WORD IS "SAFE WORD."

GREAT.
LET'S DO THIS.

WHAT'S THE SCENARIO?

I'M YOUR TAX AUDITOR.

OKAY.

MISS?
YES?

CAN YOU PLEASE
FILL OUT THIS FORM?

ALL RIGHT.

MISS?
YES?

I'VE BEEN A BAD
SMALL-BUSINESS OWNER.

WHAT SEEMS TO BE
THE PROBLEM?

I DON'T HAVE
ANY OF MY RECEIPTS

FROM JUNE UNTIL AUGUST,

AND I'M GONNA
HAVE TO BE PUNISHED.

THAT'S ACTUALLY
EASILY REMEDIED.

IF YOU'LL JUST FILL IN
THE LARGER EXPENSES IN SECTION C

AND CROSS-CHECK THEM
WITH SECTION B.

MAXINE.
WHAT?

YOU ARE KILLING THE SEXY.

I'M JUST--

I'M NOT INTO ROLE PLAY.

THAT'S-- THAT'S OKAY.

I'M VANILLA.

DON'T SAY THAT.

IT TRUE.
I'M NOT KINKY.

HEY.

LOOK AT ME.

I LIKE VANILLA.

I'M NOT REALLY IN THE MOOD.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.

BANAL SEX
SHOULDN'T START

UNTIL AT LEAST A YEAR
INTO A RELATIONSHIP.

I MOVED IN TOO SOON.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING
BACK TO WORK?

I'M NOT.

NO!

THE ONLY REASON THEY HIRED ME
IN THE FIRST PLACE

IS 'CAUSE THEY WANTED

A MIDDLE EASTERN PERSON
ON STAFF.

NOW THAT YAVAH'S
IN EDITORIAL,

EVERYONE'S GUSHING
OVER HOW SYRIAN SHE IS.

I'M NOT LETTING YOU FALL
INTO A BOTTOMLESS PIT

OF DESPAIR AND UNEMPLOYMENT
ON MY COUCH.

NOTHING BRINGS ME JOY.

WELL... I THINK THIS GUY
I KNOW IS HIRING.

LET ME TALK TO HIM.

AND ARE YOU GONNA GO LOOK

AT THAT APARTMENT
IN BUSHWICK LATER?

I CAN'T. I HAVE TO
GO SEE MY PARENTS.

OH, MY GOD!
CAN I COME?

YOUR DAD IS SO HOT.

I JUST WANT TO,
LIKE, PAINT HIM.

UGH, NO.

THAT IS EXACTLY
WHY YOU CANNOT COME.

SO, UH...

SO, IN THE AFTERNOON,
I TOOK AN APPENDIX,

AND I REWIRED IT
ON THIS KID

WHO HAD NO CONTROL
OF HIS OWN URINE.

STOP.
WOW.

NO, NO, NO,
WE MADE HIM DRY.

BUT NOW HE HAS TO PEE
OUT OF HIS BELLY BUTTON.

PLEASE STOP.

THIS IS FASCINATING.
NOT WHILE WE'RE EATING.

YEAH, IT CAN WAIT
UNTIL AFTER, RIGHT?
OKAY.

DID YOU SEE
ALI'S PICTURE

OF THE SEX-REASSIGNMENT
SURGERY?

NO, I DIDN'T, 'CAUSE
I DELETED IT THE MINUTE

I READ "INTESTINE VAGINA"
IN THE SUBJECT.

THEY'RE INTERESTING
PICTURES.
YEAH, THEY ARE.

SHOW THEM.
PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY

HE HAD TO GO
INTO UROLOGY.

IT'S BECAUSE HE LOVES
THE PENISES SO MUCH.

FUNNY, DAD.

HERE YOU GO.
CHECK IT OUT.
UGH!

OH, MY GOD.
WHAT?

TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN LOOKING AT IT.

PLEASE PUT THAT AWAY.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT.

SHE DOESN'T WANT
TO SEE IT.

PUT IT AWAY.
OKAY, SUIT YOURSELF.

LAYLI.
YES?

ALI SAYS THAT YOU JUST STARTED
YOUR FELLOWSHIP.

THAT'S RIGHT.

PLASTIC SURGERY.

MM-HMM.

ISN'T IT WEIRD, THOUGH?

LIKE, HE'S DEALING

WITH LIFE-AND-DEATH SITUATIONS
EVERY DAY,

AND THEN YOU'RE WITH
THESE MIDDLE-AGED HOUSEWIVES

WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

LAYLI IS A PEDIATRIC

RECONSTRUCTIVE
PLASTIC SURGEON.

I ACTUALLY--
UH, I SPECIALIZE

IN BURN TREATMENT
AND SKIN GRAFTING.

COOL.

I HEARD YOU ARE WORKING
AT "THE BROOKLYN PAPER."

YEAH.

UM, I'M ACTUALLY
THINKING

ABOUT TRANSITIONING
INTO ANOTHER FIELD.

SO, LET ME GET THIS
STRAIGHT.

YOU GOT A MASTERS
IN JOURNALISM,

AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA DO
JACK SHIT WITH IT?

SHE CAN STILL USE
HER DEGREE.

SHE'S SO TALENTED.

THANK YOU.

SHE WAS THE ONLY FRESHMAN
IN HIGH SCHOOL

WHO COULD SWIM
ON THE VARSITY TEAM.

AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN
TAKE LESSONS.

WOW, THAT'S A REAL
RESUME BUILDER RIGHT THERE.

YEAH, THIS BODY'S MADE
FOR SWIMMING.

LOOK AT THESE SHOULDERS.
THAT'S ENOUGH.

THANK YOU.
AND LOOK AT THOSE HANDS.

PLEASE STOP.
AREN'T THEY STUNNING?

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL HANDS.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD GET
INTO HAND MODELING.
AH.

BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW PEOPLE GET STARTED.
IT'S WHO YOU KNOW.

A MASTERS IN JOURNALISM,
THAT'S HOW YOU GET STARTED.

I WOULD LITERALLY LIKE TO
TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

OKAY, HOW'S YOUR LOVE LIFE?

ANY BOYS WE SHOULD
KNOW ABOUT?

NO.
NO BOYS AT ALL.

OH, THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE TO
GET MY SHOTGUN READY THEN.

GOOD ONE, DAD.

OH, GOD.

KEN?

HEY.
GINNY.

SHIRIN.
SHIRIN.

WHAT IS THAT? LIBYAN?
ARMENIAN? ARGENTINEAN?

IRANIAN.

OH, IRANIAN.

WOW. IRAN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THAT WHOLE SITUATION?

IT'S A MIXED BAG.

A LOT OF VERY
GOOD-INTENTIONED PEOPLE

DEALING WITH SOME
DIFFICULT CIRCUMSTANCES.

YOU GET OVER THERE
VERY OFTEN?
YEAH.

ACTUALLY, I GO IN THE SUMMERS
TO VISIT FAMILY.
WOW.

OKAY, SO TELL ME,

WHAT IS THE SCENE LIKE
IN TEHRAN?

I JUST READ
THIS BIG ARTICLE

ABOUT THE UNDERGROUND
HIP-HOP SCENE IN "VICE."

YEAH.
SO, YOU'RE PART OF THAT?

NO. UNFORTUNATELY, I SPEND
MOST OF MY TIME IN IRAN

WATCHING DISNEY VIDEOS
WITH MY GRANDMOTHER

WHILE SHE
UNTANGLES JEWELRY.

YEAH, I GOT MYSELF
SOME COFFEE.

DO YOU WANT SOMETHING
TO DRINK?

NO, THANKS.

I AM BUZZED ON SKUNK
RIGHT NOW.

NICE.

SO, CRYSTAL TELLS ME
YOU ARE AN ARTIST.

YES.

YEAH, I AM.

YOU'RE A VIDEO ARTIST.

MM-HMM.
GREAT.

SO, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT CRYSTAL HAS TOLD YOU,

BUT I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE
RELIABLE TO TAKE OVER

AN AFTERSCHOOL
FILMMAKING CLASS.

IT'S WITH A BUNCH OF KIDS,
AND THEY'RE REALLY GREAT

AND SO SMART
AND, UH, JUST CREATIVE.

AND REALLY,
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

IS JUST SHOW THEM
HOW TO HOLD A CAMERA.

I CAN DO THAT, YEAH.

SO, WHAT IS
YOUR SCHEDULE LIKE?

COMPLETELY OPEN.
PERFECT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
MAY I SAY LET'S DO THIS?

OKAY.
GREAT.

DON'T FUCK ME OVER.

OKAY.

YOU TOLD HIM
I WAS A FILMMAKER?

YOU SAID
YOU NEEDED A JOB.

HOW DO YOU KNOW
THIS GUY ANYWAY?

HE'S THAT INVESTMENT BANKER
IN MY PARENTS' BUILDING

I USED TO HOOK UP WITH
IN HIGH SCHOOL.

OH, MY GOD.
HE'S THAT GUY.
MM-HMM.

YEAH, SO HE LOST HIS JOB,
BECAME A STAY-AT-HOME DAD,

AND GOT INTO LIGHT DRUGS.

GOOD FOR HIM.

SO, DO YOU HAVE
A LESSON PLAN?

WHAT IS THIS, GERMANY?

THEY'RE PARK SLOPE TEENS.

I COULD LOCK 'EM IN A ROOM

WITH A HALF-EATEN APPLE
AND A TIC TAC

AND COME BACK
TO THE "MONA LISA."

WH-- WHY ARE WE STOPPING?

OH, I HAVE TO TAKE CARE
OF SOMETHING.

YOU WAIT OUT HERE.
NO, NO, NO, WAIT.

OH, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.

YOU SAID THAT NO AMOUNT
OF WHOLESALE SPELT SUSHI

WAS WORTH THE EMOTIONAL TOLL
OF BEING HERE.

SHE'S HERE ALL THE TIME.

THEY DON'T EVEN OFFER
PAPER BAGS.

IT'S SURPRISING HOW,
UH, LONELY IT GETS

WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE AGAIN,

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU LIVE
WITH SOMEONE.

YOU GET SO USED
TO THEIR HABITS

AND THEIR LIFESTYLE
AND THEIR SMELLS,

BUT, UM, I REALLY
JOINED THE CO-OP

TO SPEND TIME WITH HER,
'CAUSE, LET'S BE HONEST,

IT'S NOT THE MOST PLEASANT
PLACE TO WORK IN THE WORLD.

BUT IF I REALLY WANT MAXINE
BACK IN MY LIFE,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO
WHATEVER IT TAKES,

AND THAT MEANS GETTING BACK
ONTO HER CO-OP SHIFT,

AND THAT'S
WHERE YOU COME IN.

IT-- IT SAYS IN YOUR FILE

THAT YOU HAVEN'T WORKED
A SHIFT IN FOUR MONTHS.

EXTENUATING
CIRCUMSTANCES.

I'VE HAD A VERY
BROKEN HEART.

LOOK, ALL MEMBERS
ARE ENTITLED

TO ONE FREE PASS
AFTER A DELINQUENCY,

BUT I CANNOT GET YOU
ONTO HER SHIFT.

IT'S ALL BOOKED.

I'M SORRY,
I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR NAME.

JACKIE.

HI, JACKIE.

UM...

THE LAST TIME I CHECKED,
THIS IS A COOPERATIVE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD
AND COOPERATE WITH ME,

AND I'LL COOPERATE
WITH YOU.

BUT HOW DO YOU GET THEM
SO CURLY?

LET'S GO.

IT WAS SO NICE
MEETING YOU.

SHIRIN TOLD ME
YOU'RE AN ARTIST.

LANDSCAPING
OR PORTRAITS?

I SPECIALIZE IN
EXPERIMENTAL INSTALLATIONS,

AND JACQUES IS CURRENTLY
FOCUSING ON SANDCASTLE WORK

INTEGRATING
FOUND OBJECTS.

WE'RE DONE WITH THE BOXES.

I'M COMING.

IT WAS SO NICE
MEETING YOU.

THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER.

HEY, YOU GUYS CAN GO.

I FEEL LIKE I'M 17

AND YOU'RE MOVING ME
BACK INTO COLLEGE.

I WISH.
THAT DORM WAS MUCH NICER.

THIS IS WHAT IT IS
TO FIND A PLACE

ON SHORT NOTICE
IN BROOKLYN.

AT LEAST YOU HAVE
A SEXY ROOMMATE.

FELICIA? I FIND HER
A BIT TERRIFYING.

NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT
THE BOY-- JACQUES.

YOUR NEW ROOMMATES
ARE FREAKS.

HEY, IS THIS
HOW YOU SAY HELLO?

HI.

CAN WE TELL HER?

TELL ME WHAT?

I'M PROPOSING
TO LAYLI.

WHY?

HEY.
SHIRIN.

I'M NOT SAYING
YOU SHOULDN'T DO IT.

IT'S JUST...

HE'S VERY YOUNG.
HE'S 33.

I WAS ONLY 19
WHEN I MARRIED YOUR FATHER.

WELL, THIS ISN'T THE ISLAMIC
REPUBLIC OF IRAN, MOM.

DO YOU SEE A HIJAB
ON MY HEAD?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
NOTHING.

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A BRAT.
STOP IT.

YOU'RE BRINGING
A LOT OF NEGATIVE ENERGY

INTO MY NEW HOME.

OH, THIS IS NOT A HOME.

THIS IS A REFUGEE CAMP.

SERIOUSLY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A COOL
BROOKLYN LOFT LOOKS LIKE.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY YOU LEFT
YOUR OLD APARTMENT.

THE NEIGHBORHOOD
WAS SO MUCH BETTER.

IT GOT TOO EXPENSIVE.

WE WOULD HAVE HELPED YOU.

THIS IS MY NEW HOME,
AND I LOVE IT.

OKAY.

ALI, COME.
HELP ME IN THE KITCHEN.

OKAY, BUT I'M NOT
TOUCHING ANYTHING.

I'M SURE THE GIRL
WHO LET ME IN HAS HEP C.

DAD?
YEAH?

I'M WORRIED ABOUT ALI.

I THINK HE'S JUMPING
INTO MARRIAGE

BECAUSE HE THINKS
HE HAS TO.

HE'S GOT CLASSIC
OLDER CHILD SYNDROME.

HE'LL DO ANYTHING
TO MAKE YOU AND MOM HAPPY.

SHE HAS NO GOALS
OR ASPIRATIONS.

SHE TAKES NOTHING
SERIOUSLY.

SHE'S BECOMING A LOSER.

LOWER YOUR VOICE.

SHE HAS THIS, LIKE,
YOUNGER CHILD THING.

I'M TELLING YOU,
YOU NEED TO BE ON TOP OF THAT.

YOU DON'T THINK
I'M DOING MY BEST?

SHE'S NOT EASY.

HE'S, LIKE,
BURYING HIS EMOTIONS

DEEP BENEATH THE SURFACE,

AND, LIKE, ONE DAY,
HE COULD PULL A GUN

ON HIS COWORKERS.

I THINK SHE HAS
SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES.

YEAH, NO KIDDING.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND?

THAT VIRGINIA TECH KID

WAS JUST TRYING TO PLEASE
HIS STRICT KOREAN PARENTS.

IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S DUMB
OR SUPER UNATTRACTIVE.

I MEAN, SHE'S PERFECTLY
CAPABLE OF BEING NORMAL.

I DON'T WANT HIM
TO FIND HIMSELF,

LIKE, TEN YEARS FROM NOW,

FAT, BALD,
AND IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE

BECAUSE HE WAS
RUSHING TO BECOME

THE WORLD'S BEST
IRANIAN SON.

THE MEN IN OUR FAMILY
DON'T GO BALD.

OH, I DON'T NEED
NEW READING MATERIAL.

I'M ONLY UP TO BOOK TWO
OF THE "TWILIGHT" SERIES.

I'M BROADENING
YOUR HORIZONS.

THIS IS SOME
PRETTY SERIOUS STUFF HERE.

I'M ASKING YOU TO READ
SOME BOOKS.

YOU DON'T NEED TO GET
YOUR SEPTUM PIERCED.

YET.

OH, HEY.

UM, EXCUSE ME,

THIS IS ACTUALLY
THE BROOKLYN KIDS

MOVIE MAKER CLASS.

I THINK YOU HAVE
THE WRONG ROOM.

NO, THIS RIGHT.

I'M A MOVIE DIRECTOR.

SEE YOU AT FIVE.

AND I'M GONNA POOP.

NO! DON'T!

KUJO, COULD YOU
PLEASE HOLD--

PUT DOWN THE TRUCK
AND HOLD THE CAMERA.

STOP THROWING.

I DON'T THINK
YOU CAN FIT IT ALL.

HEY, KUJO, THE LENS IS
WAY TOO CLOSE TO YOUR BUTT.

OH, YOU'RE ON OkCupid.

MY TAXIDERMIST MET
HER HUSBAND ON THAT SITE.

I'M JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEONE
TO MAKE MY GIRLFRIEND JEALOUS.

WE'RE ON A BREAK.

GOOD LUCK.

FELICIA?

YES?

YOU'RE IN A LONG-TERM,

SEEMINGLY HEALTHY
RELATIONSHIP.

CAN YOU TELL ME,
HOW DO PEOPLE MEET,

AGREE THEY LIKE
EACH OTHER,

AND THEN... KEEP ON
LIKING EACH OTHER?

SHARED INTERESTS?

JACQUES AND I MET
AT OCCUPY CHELSEA.

I'M GONNA LIE HERE
AND TRY TO FORGET

WHAT IT FELT LIKE
TO BE LOVED.

COULD YOU PLEASE
TURN OFF THE LIGHT?

FEEL BETTER.
THANK YOU.

HEY.
HI.

YOU WANT A CIGARETTE?
I DON'T SMOKE.

YEAH, ME NEITHER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OUT HERE?

SOCIAL ANXIETY.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

MORE OR LESS THE SAME.

I'M SHIRIN.

MAXINE.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

I LOVE DYKES.

NICE.

I MEAN IT.

YOU KNOW THAT-- THAT WORD
IS INCREDIBLY OFFENSIVE.

OH, I'M BISEXUAL,
SO IT'S OKAY IF I SAY IT.

NO, IT'S STILL OFFENSIVE.

YOU KNOW HOW I MEANT IT.

DOESN'T MATTER
HOW YOU MEANT IT.

TOMATO, TO-MAH-TO.

WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?

I FILLED THIS WATER BOTTLE
WITH TEQUILA.

CLASSY.

I'M DRINKING
WITH A PURPOSE.

YEAH?

THIS GUY
WITH WHOM I RECENTLY

HAD AN UNFORTUNATE SEXUAL
ENCOUNTER SHOWED UP,

AND NOW I FEEL
UNCOMFORTABLE.

I JUST HATE
THE WAY DUDES GET

WHEN THEY CAN'T MAINTAIN
AN ERECTION.

WHAT DO THEY GET LIKE?

OH, ARE YOU A GOLD STAR?

NO, I'VE HAD SEX WITH MEN,

JUST, UM, NOT THE KIND
WHO GO SOFT.

TOUCHÉ.

IT'S THE WORST.

THEY SHUT DOWN,

AND THEY GET
ALL MOPEY AND OFFENDED

WHEN YOU MAKE JOKES.

YEAH, IT'S SO WEIRD
THE WAY MEN DON'T ENJOY

HUMOR AT THE EXPENSE
OF THEIR PENISES.

DO YOU WANT SOME?

SURE.

I THINK YOU'RE HOT.

THANKS.

I KNOW THAT I DON'T LOOK
LIKE I'M INTO GIRLS

AND THAT I WAS JUST TALKING
ABOUT BEING A BONER KILLER,

BUT I AM SUPER SEXY
AND SUPER INTO GIRLS.

REALLY?

YEAH.

I LIKE GIRLS LIKE YOU.

LIKE ME?

YOU KNOW, LIKE, MANLY,

BUT ALSO A LITTLE BIT
LIKE A LADY.

NICE.
THANK YOU.

UM...

ARE YOU HAVING
LADY PROBLEMS?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
I'M HAVING LADY PROBLEMS?

BECAUSE IT'S
NEW YEAR'S EVE

AND YOU'RE HEADING OUT
BEFORE THE COUNTDOWN.

MAYBE I'M HEADING OUT

TO MEET THE PERSON
I'M GONNA KISS AT MIDNIGHT.

YOU'RE GONNA BE
HELLA LATE

'CAUSE IT'S LIKE,
TWO MINUTES AWAY.

WHAT'S HER NAME?
LINDA.

SHE SOUNDS LIKE A CUNT.

WE'RE GOING OUT
FOR A COUPLE MONTHS,

AND WE DECIDED
TO MOVE IN TOGETHER.

NATURALLY.

AND FOUR DAYS
AFTER I BREAK MY LEASE

AND SELL EVERYTHING I OWN,

SHE TELLS ME
SHE MISSES HER EX,

AND WHAT THE FUCK
AM I SUPPOSED TO DO

WITH THAT INFORMATION?

THAT SUCKS.

JUST HAVING TROUBLE DEALING
WITH, LIKE, BROOKLYN PARTIES

AND EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT
THEIR KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGNS,

AND DID YOU SEE THAT GUY
WITH THE WAXED DALI MUSTACHE?

I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK
IS THAT GUY'S PROBLEM?

WHO THE FUCK
DOES HE THINK HE IS?

I FIND YOUR ANGER
INCREDIBLY SEXY.

REALLY?

I HATE
SO MANY THINGS TOO.

WOW.

KEN. HI.

OH! HEY, HI.
HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD, THANK YOU.

CARRINGTON,
THIS IS SHAYLA.

I'M SHIRIN. HI.

OH...

SORRY, MAN.
I'M STONED.

OH, THAT'S OKAY.

WANT A J?
NO, I'M COOL.
THANKS.

LISTEN, UM...

I'M A TERRIBLE TEACHER.

NO.

YES, I AM.

UH, THE KIDS HATE ME.

THEY'RE A GOOD
TEN YEARS YOUNGER

THAN I THOUGHT
THEY'D BE,

AND I CAN'T GET THEM
TO LISTEN.

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY, DUDE.

THEY'RE FIVE.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING.

I HAVE THREE KIDS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

IT'S JUST FAKE IT
'TIL YOU MAKE IT.

I'VE LOST CARRINGTON,
LIKE, WHAT, FOUR TIMES?

RIGHT, BRO?

JUST DO YOUR BEST, OKAY?

OKAY.

HEY.

I BELIEVE IN YOU, CHER.

THANK YOU.

THEY HAVE NO IDEA
YOU'RE BISEXUAL?

I'M SORRY, WHAT COUNTRY IS IT
THAT YOU GET STONED TO DEATH

IF YOU'RE CONVICTED
OF BEING GAY?

OH, YEAH.
WAIT, I KNOW.

IT'S IRAN,

THE COUNTRY THAT MY
ENTIRE FAMILY COMES FROM.

YOU CAN'T KEEP PLAYING
THE PERSIAN CARD

EVERY TIME
WE HAVE AN ARGUMENT.

YOU NEED TO SEE
FOR YOURSELF

HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO BE
THE CHILD OF IMMIGRANTS.

I WOULD LOVE TO.
GREAT.

THEN YOU'RE COMING
TO A PERSIAN NEW YEAR PARTY

THIS WEEKEND IN NEW JERSEY.

AM I COMING AS YOUR DATE?
GOD, NO.

YOU'RE DEFINITELY COMING
AS MY WHITE FRIEND.

DO YOU THINK
I HAVE A DEATH WISH?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO WEAR A DRESS.

NO.

GOOD. NOW YOU'RE
GONNA SEND 'EM?
YES.

IT'S LIKE WE JUST STEPPED
INTO LIBERACE'S WET DREAM.

ISN'T IT SPECTACULAR?

YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE
BEING IN ENCLOSED SPACES

WHERE I CAN'T DETECT
ANY VISIBLY GAY PEOPLE.

WELL, I'M PRETTY SURE
UNCLE NEEMA'S HARBORING

SOME BI-CURIOUS
TENDENCIES.

YOU TALK TO HIM
ABOUT IT?
OH, GOD, NO.

PERSIANS COMMUNICATE
MOSTLY THROUGH GOSSIP.

SHIRIN?

OH, MY GOD! HI!

HI!
HI!

MAXINE, THIS IS MITRA,
YASSI, MEENU, AND YASSI.

GUYS, THIS IS
MY FRIEND MAXINE.

HEY.

HEY. OH, MY GOD,
YOU LOOK AMAZING.

RIGHT. NEXT TO YOU, I LOOK
LIKE A BUSBOY FROM CHILI'S.

OH, NO WAY.
YOU'RE PRACTICALLY A MODEL.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

LIKE A "BEFORE" MODEL
FOR ACCUTANE.

UH, I WOULD KILL
FOR YOUR HEIGHT.

AND I WOULD SELL MY FIRSTBORN
FOR YOUR SKIN.

STOP IT.

YOU STOP IT.

WE NEED TO
GET TOGETHER MORE.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE
YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL.

HOW'S YOUR FATHER?

YOU KNOW, HE'S OKAY,

BUT THEN SOMETIMES
HE'LL CRY OUT OF NOWHERE,

AND I'LL BE LIKE,
"DAD, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?

YOU'RE EMASCULATING
YOURSELF."

OH, MY GOD! ROYA?

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

YOU WERE IN THE MIDDLE
OF A SENTENCE.

YEAH, EVERY TIME
I SEE HER,

SHE COMPLIMENTS
THE WAY I LOOK,

SHE ASKS
ONE PERSONAL QUESTION,

AND THEN SHE WALKS AWAY
WHILE I ANSWER.

AND WHO'S SHE
TALKING TO NOW?
THAT'S ROYA.

HER FATHER JUST MADE A LOT
OF MONEY IMPORTING SAMOVARS.

LET'S GET A DRINK.

WHEN ARE THEY
SERVING DINNER?

MIDNIGHT.

SERIOUSLY?

GOD, YOU KNOW,
I SHOULD HAVE TALKED

ABOUT HER DAD'S
COSMETIC DENTAL PRACTICE.

YOU WERE BEING HONEST.

DO YOU THINK THEY WANT YOU
TO BE HONEST AT THESE THINGS?

OH, GET A GRIP.
YOU'RE A GROWN WOMAN.

YOU'VE BEEN TO HOW MANY
PARTIES IN YOUR LIFE?

I DON'T KNOW.
A LOT.

AND WHAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT
PART

OF HAVING A GOOD
TIME AT A PARTY?

DRINKING.
AND?

DANCING.

AND WHO'S VERY GOOD
AT BOTH OF THOSE THINGS?

I AM.
THAT'S RIGHT.

TWO VODKA TONICS,
PLEASE.

THAT WAS AMAZING.

I'VE NEVER HAD SO MUCH FUN
AROUND PERSIANS BEFORE.

I'M SORRY, I KNOW YOU'RE
HAVING A BREAKTHROUGH,

BUT CAN YOU FIRST EXPLAIN
TO ME THIS FIRE THING?

YEAH.

SO, THE WEDNESDAY
BEFORE NORUZ,

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
JUMP OVER FIRE

TO EXORCISE YOURSELF
OF EVIL SPIRITS

AND START THE NEW YEAR
FRESH.

ONLY WE'RE DOING IT NOW
'CAUSE EVERYONE HAD WORK

AND WE'RE
HALF-ASSED IRANIANS.

GOD, IT'S SUCH
A BEAUTIFUL GESTURE.

UGH, YOU ARE
TOTALLY HAVING

ONE OF THOSE "I'M DATING
AN IMMIGRANT" MOMENTS.

LIKE, "ISN'T LEARNING
ABOUT OTHER CULTURES

SO FUN AND ENRICHING?
I FEEL LIKE I'M--"

HI.
HI.

SO, THIS IS
WHERE YOU'VE BEEN?

YEAH.

WE JUST CAME OUT HERE.
WHERE WERE YOU?

YOUR FATHER GOT LOST.

I TOOK THE SCENIC ROUTE.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

THIS IS MAXINE,
MY FRIEND.

MAXINE, MEET MY PARENTS.
HI.

HI, MAXINE. OH.

HI.

SO, HOW DO YOU
LIKE NORUZ?

I'M SO SORRY.
I THINK I LEFT MY PURSE INSIDE.

I GOT TO GO RUN
AND GET IT.

I WILL SEE YOU
REALLY SOON.

- NICE TO MEET YOU BOTH.
- S

NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

IT SAYS ON YOUR PROFILE
THAT YOU'RE AN ARTIST.

YEAH, I DO A
STAND-UP/FOLK MUSIC HYBRID ACT.

I HAVE NEVER HEARD
OF THAT.

YEAH, MY ART
DEFIES LABELS.

SOUNDS LIKE IT.

WHY DOES COMEDY
ALWAYS HAVE TO

BE SO MEAN AND AT
SOMEBODY'S EXPENSE?

I WANT TO USE MY COMEDY

TO BRING ATTENTION
TO SOCIAL-JUSTICE ISSUES.

YOU'RE VERY PRETTY.

THANK YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU GET TO WORK
ON THAT DRINK?

CAN I GET A GLASS
OF WATER?

COME HERE.

CLOSER.

YOU HAVE
REALLY NICE HAIR.

THANKS.

YOU CAN BE ROUGH WITH ME.

TELL ME WHAT
YOU WANT ME TO DO.

LIE ON THE BED.

OKAY.

FUCK!
COULD YOU PUT THESE ON?

WHAT? YOU'RE-- YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO WANTED WEED.

WELL, I REEK OF SEX.

IT'S GONNA TRIGGER
THE DRUG DEALER'S BRAIN

TO CALL IN
HIS RAPIST BRAIN.

YOU'RE LUCKY
I VEER MACHO.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE AMAZING.

LADIES FIRST.

I'M NOT SO GOOD AT
SMOKING WEED AROUND PEOPLE.

CAN'T HOLD MY THOUGHTS STILL
LONG ENOUGH TO THINK THEM.

I HAVE TO CHASE THEM.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

THE OTHER DAY,
I HAD A REALLY GOOD IDEA

FOR A CHILDREN'S BOOK
WHILE I WAS SMOKING WEED,

AND NOW I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT IT WAS.

KEEP SMOKING.
YOU'LL GET IT BACK.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT EPISODE
OF "SEX AND THE CITY"

WHERE CARRIE HAS TO PITCH
A BOOK FOR CHILDREN

AND SHE PITCHES
THIS IDEA

ABOUT A LITTLE GIRL
WITH MAGIC CIGARETTES?

AND IT'S REALLY FUNNY.

I HATE
"SEX AND THE CITY."

YEAH, BUT YOU
HAVE TO ADMIT

IT'S PRETTY FUCKING
ENTERTAINING.

I THINK IT'S BORING.

WHO THE FUCK
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU
INTO "LORD OF THE RINGS"?

YOU KNOW,
THE OLDER MY DAD GETS,

THE MORE HE LOOKS LIKE GOLLUM
FROM "LORD OF THE RINGS."

MY DAD, HE'S ALWAYS
MAKING THE WORST JOKES,

BUT THEN THIS ONE TIME
HE LOST HIS WEDDING RING,

AND HE WAS LIKE...

"I NEED MY PRECIOUS."

AND WAS LITERALLY THE FUNNIEST
THING I'D EVER HEARD.

WHEN I WENT TO SEE
THE FILM "PRECIOUS,"

THERE WAS A MENTALLY HANDICAPPED
GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME,

AND HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY LAP
DURING THE MOVIE,

AND IT REALLY
FREAKED ME OUT.

THAT'S HORRIBLE.

DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME.
THIS IS SERIOUS.

YOU'RE RIGHT, IT'S VERY SERIOUS,
AND I CANNOT BELIEVE

THAT LIFETIME HAS NOT MADE
THE MOVIE VERSION

OF THE TIME SOME DUDE
FELT YOU UP AT THE MOVIES.

YOU'RE SUCH A JERK.

YOU LOVE IT.

SHIRIN.
YEAH?

WE'RE THE SAME KIND
OF STONED PERSON.

THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
NO HOMO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"NO HOMO"?

OH, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT "NO HOMO" IS?

OKAY, SO "NO HOMO"
IS THIS THING

THAT RAPPERS SAY
TO EACH OTHER

TO, LIKE, NULLIFY
THE GAYNESS OF THEIR WORDS.

THEY COULD BE LIKE,

"THOSE ARE SOME REALLY FLY
JEANS, MAN. NO HOMO."

OR "YOUR SONG TOUCHED ME.
NO HOMO."

LIKE "I LIKE THE WAY
YOUR DICK TASTES IN MY MOUTH.

NO HOMO."

EXACTLY.

I FEEL REALLY LUCKY
TO HAVE MET YOU.

NO HOMO?
HOMO.

I LOVE HOW NONE
OF YOUR WHITE SHIRTS

GET THOSE REALLY
ANNOYING PIT STAINS

THAT MINE ALWAYS DO.

I LOVE THAT YOU
NOTICED THAT.

I HAVE SOMETHING
ON MY MIND,

BUT IT FEELS TOO SCARY
TO SAY OUT LOUD.

SAY IT.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING
ON YOUR MIND?

MAYBE.
WHAT?

DON'T BE A PUSSY.

OKAY, LET'S SAY IT
AT THE SAME TIME

ON THE COUNT
OF THREE.

ONE...

TWO...
TWO...

I'M FALLING IN LOVE
WITH YOU.

I'M THINKING OF
TRANSITIONING INTO A MAN.

OF COURSE I'M FALLING
IN LOVE WITH YOU.

HI, EVERYONE.
I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL

TO "WITH JUSTICE FOR SOME,"

WHERE WE LOOK AT
THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM

AND ITS BIAS AGAINST
THE QUEER COMMUNITY.

NOW IF ANY OF YOU ARE HERE
FOR THE DYKE KNITTING CIRCLE,

IT'S BEEN MOVED TO BABELAND
ON RIVINGTON.

UM, WE HAVE SOME COPIES
OF THE CASE STUDY

TO GO AROUND,
SO PLEASE TAKE ONE

IF YOU DON'T HAVE
IT ALREADY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, HEY.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO CARES ABOUT GAY RIGHTS.

THIS IS MY EVENT.
I MARKED IT ON THE CALENDAR.

HEY, GUYS,
LET'S HOLD THE SIDE TALK

UNTIL AFTER THE DISCUSSION.

SORRY.

WHY DON'T WE START BY
INTRODUCING OURSELVES, HMM?

I AM SASHA, AND I AM
A LAW PROFESSOR AT NYU.

HI, I'M MORGAN.
I'M AN INTERN AT QUEER AID.

MAXINE.

WHAT?

IS THAT SHIRT NEW?

YES.

IT LOOKS REALLY
GOOD ON YOU.

I'M JOSEPH HENDERSON,
AND I'M EXTREMELY

DISAPPOINTED WITH THE READING
MATERIAL YOU'VE PROVIDED.

ABSOLUTELY NO REFERENCE
TO CRIME AGAINST NATURE LAWS.

IT'S WEIRD SEEING YOU IN
SOMETHING I DON'T REMEMBER.

TRUE, UM, THIS READING
DOESN'T REFER TO--

I WAS ARRESTED AT 18
FOR HAVING CONSENSUAL SEX

WITH MY 16-YEAR-OLD BOYFRIEND.

I SPENT FOUR YEARS
IN JAIL,

AND AFTERWARDS FORCED TO
REGISTER IS A SEX OFFENDER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?

GOING HOME.

REMEMBER WHEN THAT
WAS MY HOME, TOO?

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.

I'M A SEX OFFENDER.

EVERY TOWN I MOVE TO,
EVERY JOB I APPLY FOR--

MY LIFE IS RUINED.

HAVE A DRINK
WITH ME LATER?

NO.

I JUST WANT TO TALK.
NO!

...AND I THOUGHT
WE WERE GOING TO BE

TALKING ABOUT MARGINALIZED
WOMEN HERE TODAY.

YES.

MY NAME IS SHIRIN.

I AM AN IRANIAN
BISEXUAL TEACHER,

AND I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE
YOU OUT FOR A DRINK.

N-- NOW?

RIGHT AFTER THIS.

I WOULD LIKE
TO BUY YOU A DRINK.

UM...

EACH FRAME IS A PICTURE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU
CALL IT, A FRAME.

AND, UH, WHEN YOU WANT
TO HAVE THE CANDY MOVE,

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE A PICTURE
OF IT WHERE IT IS,

MOVE IT VERY,
VERY SLIGHTLY,

AND THEN TO
THE NEXT PLACE,

AND THEN YOU TAKE A PICTURE
AND YOU HAVE IT THERE,

AND THEN MOVE IT
A LITTLE BIT--

HE TOOK IT!
DO NOT EAT THOSE.

THOSE ARE FOR
THE STOP-MOTION ANIMATION.

JUST ONE.

YOU JUST SHOVED LIKE 40
INTO YOUR MOUTH AT ONCE.

I GET 40, TOO.

ME, TOO!

I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
ME, TOO!

ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO GO
ON YOUR OWN?

I DON'T KNOW.

ALL RIGHT, WAIT HERE.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST SHOT
OF THE DAY.

WE HAVE THE FLOCKS OF BIRDS
SWARM INTO FRAME,

EVIL-LOOKING RAVENS AND GULLS.

HOW'S THAT LOOKING,
ART DEPARTMENT?

EXCELLENT.
AND SOUND?

IS EVERYTHING SET?

HI.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

NOT A PROBLEM.

WE WERE JUST PREPPING
FOR TODAY'S SHOOT.

GRACIE, WOULD YOU MIND, UH,

BRIEFING OUR GUEST
ON TODAY'S PROJECT?

WE'RE DOING
A SHOT-FOR-SHOT REMAKE

OF A SCENE FROM
"THE BIRDS."

I'M SHIRIN.
I TEACH ACROSS THE HALL.

HI, I'M TIBET.
THIS IS THE ADVANCED CLASS.

I HAVE A REAL QUICK
QUESTION FOR YOU.

YES?

SO, YEAH, MY KIDS
ARE REAL YOUNG,

LIKE FIVE YEARS OLD,
AND ONE OF THEM NEEDS

TO USE THE BATHROOM.

YES?

WELL, DO I HAVE TO GO IN
WITH HIM, OR IS THAT PERVY?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YES.

JUST STAND BEHIND THE DOOR
AND ASK IF HE NEEDS HELP.

OH.

OKAY, THANKS.

NOT A PROBLEM,
MY FRIEND.

HAVE WE MET BEFORE?

I DON'T THINK SO.
I USED TO BE A HAIR MODEL,

SO YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE ME
FROM THAT.

YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY IT.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, SECOND SHOT
OF THE DAY.

WE HAVE, "SHE IS TRAPPED
IN THE PHONE BOOTH

AND THE BIRDS ARE
FLYING IN TO ATTACK HER."

HAIR AND MAKEUP FOR THAT,
HOW ARE YOU DOING?

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING
ALL THE WAY OUT TO BROOKLYN.

IT IS SO NICE THAT YOU FINALLY
GOT TO SEE THE PLACE.

WELL, THE RUG LOOKS
QUITE NICE IN HERE.

THANK YOU.

WHY IS THERE ONLY ONE BED?

IT'S EUROPEAN
AND THRIFTY.

THERE'S A LOT
OF BENEFITS.

AND HOW--
HOW'S THAT EUROPEAN?

I HAVE AN ITALIAN FRIEND
NAMED CECILIA,

AND SHE HER
BEST FRIEND, UH,

SHARED ONE BED
FOR YEARS,

AND THEY SAVED
SO MUCH MONEY ON RENT

THAT THEY WERE
ABLE TO AFFORD

VERY BIG WEDDINGS
TO THEIR BOYFRIENDS.

DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND,
MAXINE?

NO, I DON'T.

ALSO, IN
THE MOVIE "BEACHES,"

THESE TWO BEST FRIENDS
SHARED A BED,

AND IT WAS VERY
INEXPENSIVE.

SO, THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR COMING.

NICE TO SEE YOU
BOTH AGAIN.

WELL, BYE, GIRLS.

BYE.

LET ME WALK YOU OUT.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU...
YOU'RE AN ANGEL.

YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM
ABOUT US.

I KNOW.

YES?

HI.
HEY.

CRYSTAL, DID YOU
SEE MY PARENTS?

OH, YEAH, WE JUST
PASSED IN THE HALL.

HEY, MAXINE.

HI.

MMM, DON'T MIND HER.

SHE'S UPSET 'CAUSE
I'M NOT OUT TO MY PARENTS.

OH, WELL, YOU GUYS LIVE
IN A ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT.

I'M PRETTY SURE THEY KNOW.

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S A PROCESS,
AND I'M WORKING ON IT.

OKAY, WE SHOULD
PROBABLY LEAVE.

THINK I'M GONNA BOW OUT.

MAXINE, YOU PROMISED
YOU'D GO.

CRYSTAL'S A FRIEND
WHO'S GONNA DRESS UP

LIKE A FARM ANIMAL
AND TOUCH HERSELF, COME.

I CAN'T HANDLE
AN ART SHOW RIGHT NOW.

OKAY.

I LOVE YOU.

BYE.

BYE.

BYE, MAXINE.
BYE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
ACCEPTING MY INVITATION.

WELL, I COULDN'T HAVE REFUSED
EVEN IF I WANTED TO.

ALL THOSE PEOPLE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I WILL INVITE THEM ALL
TO OUR WEDDING.

UM, WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?

IT'S KIND OF LIKE
AN OLD FASHIONED.

WANT TO TRY IT?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I CAN UM,
TIE A CHERRY STEM

INTO A KNOT
WITH MY TONGUE.

REAL--

UM...

YEAH,
THAT'S A GOOD LOOK.

THANK YOU.
I FEEL VERY SEXY.

I'M SURPRISED BY HOW
QUICKLY THEY SPRUNG INTO ACTION.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF
THEY EXPECTED ME

TO MAKE A HUGE MESS.

OH, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE
A CONSPIRACY ON YOUR HANDS.

YES, I DO.

THIS IS NOT A CASE OF ME
BEING A CLUMSY OAF.

I AM A VICTIM
OF A LARGER FORCE.

THE BAR AND ALCOHOL
INDUSTRY.

YES.
OUT TO GET YOU.

YES, 'CAUSE THEY NEED A GIRL
LIKE ME TO, YOU KNOW,

HUMILIATE HERSELF, SO THAT
THE OTHER PATRONS

CAN FEEL
MORE CONFIDENT.

YEAH, 'CAUSE THEY GET
TO GO HOME

WITH A DRINK AND A SHOW.
YEAH.

OKAY.

ARE YOU HORRIFIED?

IS THIS LIKE THE MOST
EMBARRASSING THING

YOU'VE EVER WITNESSED?

I DON'T EMBARRASS EASILY.

I LIKE THAT.

IT'S GETTING LATE.

YEAH.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY PLACE?

I LIVE WITH THIS WOMAN
WHO MAY OR MAY NOT

BE PRACTICING WITCHCRAFT.

I'D LOVE TO INTRODUCE YOU.

CAN I TAKE A RAIN CHECK?

YEAH, SURE, OF COURSE.

UM... GET THE CHECK, PLEASE?

THIS IS ON ME, LITERALLY
AND METAPHORICALLY.

NO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

NO, I SAID I GOT IT.

I GOT--
I GOT THIS ONE.

THANK YOU.

NO, I'VE--
LOOK, I GOT IT.

I SAID I GOT IT.
I'M NOT TAKING THIS BACK.

I INVITED YOU OUT.

OKAY.

WHAT TRAIN YOU TAKING HOME?

ACTUALLY, I'M GONNA STAY
AND USE THE BATHROOM.

YOU SHOULD JUST GO.
NO, I'LL WAIT.

NO, IT'S OKAY.
JUST GO.

YOU ARE STUBBORN.

YEAH.

THANKS FOR COMING OUT
WITH ME.

WELL, THANK YOU
FOR ASKING ME.

OKAY, BYE.

BYE.

HI.

UM, CAN I HAVE THE CHEAPEST RED
YOU'VE GOT?

THANK YOU.

CAN I ASK WHAT
YOU'RE HAVING?

THE CHEAPEST RED THEY HAD.

HOW IS IT?

ALCOHOLIC.

WITH AN OAKY FINISH.

SOUNDS GOOD.

SORRY, I'M NOT WELL-VERSED
IN WINE TALK.

"OAKY FINISH" WAS
A NICE TOUCH.

THANKS.

I'M TED.
SHIRIN.

SHIRIN. HI.
HI.

UM, DO YOU LIVE AROUND HERE?

HI.

OH, HEY,
WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?

THIS IS SHIRIN.

SHIRIN, I'M MARIE.

HI.

YEAH, WE UH, LIVE A FEW BLOCKS
FROM HERE, ACTUALLY.

MM-HM.
COOL.

HEY, DO YOU WANT TO COME
SIT WITH US?

OKAY.

I'M LIKE ONE BAD ROMANTIC
ENCOUNTER AWAY

FROM MOVING TO FRANCE
AND CHANGING MY IDENTITY.

HMM.

DO YOU WANT AN OLIVE?

NO, I'M OKAY.

BUT MAYBE I SHOULD GO TO,
LIKE,

A LESS GLAMOROUS PLACE, LIKE
SLOVENIA OR SOMETHING,

WHERE MY CHANCES OF POPULARITY
WOULD BE GREATER.

HMM.
THEY'RE REALLY GOOD.

I'M OKAY.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME WINE?
YEAH.

WHY ARE YOU GIGGLING?

I'M JUST--
I'VE BEEN PLOTTING ON HOW

TO GET YOU EAT
ONE OF THESE OLIVES,

BECAUSE THEY'RE
COVERED IN GARLIC,

AND WE'VE ALREADY HAD SOME.

OH.

I GUESS IT'S SORT OF AN ALL
OR NOTHING KIND OF THING.

PROBLEM SOLVED.

YOU SHOULD SHOW HER
YOUR LATEX OUTFIT.

YOU HAVE A LATEX OUTFIT?

YEAH. YEAH, I HAVE TO
OIL UP TO PUT IT ON.

WOW.
YEAH, PLEASE PUT THAT ON.

OH.

THANKS.

DRINK?
YEAH.

UM, SO IN WHAT SITUATION DOES
A PERSON FIND THEMSELVES

IN NEED OF LATEX OUTFIT?

BURLESQUE SHOWS,
PLAY PARTIES,

ALL KINDS OF PLACES,
REALLY.

AH.

UM, OKAY, BUT--
BUT HERE'S MY QUESTION.

WHY DO THE WOMEN
HAVE TO DRESS UP

LIKE SLUTTY CUPCAKES?

WHAT ABOUT THE DUDES?

WELL, I HAVE
A LATEX OUTFIT, TOO.

THAT'S SOUNDS HORRIBLE.

OH, IT'S REALLY CUTE.

I'LL HAVE TO TAKE
YOUR WORD ON THAT ONE.

THANKS.

CHEERS.
CHEERS.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

I'M SORRY, I-- I JUST GOT
A LITTLE IN MY HEAD

FOR A MINUTE.

NO, IT'S-- IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

SO THIS IS MY FIRST TIME
DOING THIS.

WELL, WE CAN TAKE IT SLOW.

THANK YOU.

I LIKE YOU.

A LOT.

THANK YOU.
I LIKE YOU, TOO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE DON'T HAVE TO FUCK.

YOU KNOW,
WE CAN JUST HANG OUT,

PLAY MONOPOLY OR SOMETHING.

THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS
LIKE A LOT OF FUN.

GREAT.
I HAVE THE CLUE VERSION.

OH.
YEAH.

THAT'S REALLY COOL.
YEAH.

IT'S AWESOME.

HONEY.

YOU TWO CAN STAY AS YOU ARE.

UM, I SHOULD GET DRESSED.

NO, DON'T.

IT'S OKAY.
UM, I SH-- I SHOULD GO.

NO, NO.

TED, TED,
TELL HER TO STAY.

THANKS.

I REALLY DON'T WANT THIS
TO BE THE LAST TIME

THAT WE SEE EACH OTHER.

ME, NEITHER.

HOW COME NO ONE SAID
YOU HAD TO COME DRESSED

AS ONE OF YOUR
FAVORITE CHARACTERS FROM
"THE LITTLE RASCALS"?

THAT'S THE GREAT THING
ABOUT PRIDE.

PEOPLE HERE LOOK LIKE THEY
DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE.

YOUR ATTITUDE IS REALLY
PISSING ME OFF.

SORRY.

DID YOU SEE THE DRAG QUEEN?
THAT'S MY FRIEND.

HOW COME THE ONLY ASPECT
OF GAY CULTURE

THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU
IS DRAG?

HEY, WHAT AM I GOOD AT?

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT?

DRINKING AND DANCING,
REMEMBER?

LET'S HAVE FUN.

FINE.
KISS ME.

TWO VODKA RED BULLS,
PLEASE.

THANK YOU.
THANKS.

AAH.

CAN I GET ANOTHER ONE?

YOU HAVIN' FUN?

SURE.

LOOK, BEFORE YOU ASK, NO,
I'M NOT AN F TO M TRANSSEXUAL.

UH, SORRY TO DISAPPOINT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

MY SISTER AND I MADE A BET.

I'M GUESSING SHE WON?

AH... CORRECT.

I'M MAXINE.

GEORGE.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

I CAN SEE YOU.

SHIRIN, STOP.
FUCK YOU.

I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

WHAT THE FUCK?
HE'S A MAN.

IT WAS LIKE KISSING
A BABY.

WHAT?

IT'S JUST LIKE LIPS TOUCHING.

I HATE YOU SO MUCH
WHEN YOU'RE DRINKING.

I'M SO--
DO NOT TOUCH ME.

WHOA.
ARE YOU OKAY?

YOU SHOVED ME OFF,
LIKE, REALLY VIOLENTLY.

YOU CHEATED ON ME.

YOU HIT ME.

I FEEL SICK.

PLEASE DON'T CRY.

DON'T.

I'M SORRY.
YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE ME.

WHO IS HE?

JUST SOME GUY AT THE BAR.
WE WERE JUST DRINKING.

AND YOU WERE LIKE,
"WANT TO KISS A LESBIAN?"

IT ONLY LASTED A SECOND.

I WAS WATCHING YOU.
IT WAS FOREVER.

HEY.
I AM SORRY.

YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE ME.

WHO SPENDS $300
ON A GARTER BELT?

MAY I HELP YOU?
UH, WE'RE JUST LOOKING.

ACTUALLY, YES.

UM, I'M LOOKING FOR
THE GROWN-UP UNDERWEAR

OF A WOMAN IN CHARGE
OF HER SEXUALITY

AND NOT AFRAID OF CHANGE.

I'VE GOT THAT.

THIS JUST CAME IN
FROM FRANCE.

IT'S A BIT PINK.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
TRY IT ON FOR YOURSELF?

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU NEED,

AND I'LL GET A ROOM READY
FOR YOU.

I ACTUALLY NEED TO STOCK UP
ON PANTIES.

MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
UH, CUT UP MOST OF MINE,

SO I'M GONNA NEED MORE.

WHAT ABOUT BRAS?
I DON'T WEAR THOSE.

WHY NOT?

JUST DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH
TO WORK WITH,

SO IT FEELS
A LITTLE SILLY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN
LITTLE GIRLS CARRY PURSES.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

SHIRIN.

SHIRIN.

YOU ARE A WOMAN,
AND YOU HAVE BREASTS,

AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH THEM.

YEAH, I KNOW.

YOU DESERVE A SEXY,
SUPPORTIVE BRA,

JUST LIKE ANY OTHER
WOMAN.

OKAY.

YOU WERE WITH A WOMAN
FOR HOW LONG,

AND SHE DIDN'T HELP YOU
FIND THE RIGHT BRA?

A WHILE.

WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR EX--
WHAT'S HER NAME?

MAXINE.

SOUNDS LIKE MAXINE WAS
DESTRUCTIVE TO YOUR PANTIES

AND YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.
I'M SO SORRY.

IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY?

I'M FINE.
I JU-- I JUST NEED UNDERWEAR.

JUST BECAUSE YOUR BREASTS
ARE SMALL

DOESN'T MEAN
THEY'RE NOT LEGITIMATE.

I KNOW.

IT'S OKAY TO BE ANGRY.
OH, MY GOD.

LET'S TRY THAT ON.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE I DIDN'T
THINK I DESERVED A BRA,

BECAUSE I DON'T SEE MYSELF
AS A REAL WOMAN.

IT'S ABOUT MORE THAN
JUST FABRIC.

YEAH, AND I'VE BEEN WEARING
BIKINI BOTTOMS FOR MONTHS.

WELL, THAT'S BASICALLY
INVITING PEOPLE

WHO DON'T RESPECT YOU
INTO YOUR BEDROOM.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID,
AND NOW I'M LIKE SEEING HER

AT A PARTY ON SATURDAY,

AND HOW DO I EXPECT ANYONE
TO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY

IF I AM NOT WEARING A BRA?

I TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.

THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

STUNNING.

GOD, I HATE YOUR FRIENDS.

MY FRIENDS ARE MY FAMILY.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
THAT'S LIKE,

TO HAVE TO CHOOSE YOUR OWN
FAMILY BECAUSE THE ONE
YOU WERE BORN INTO--

OH, COME ON, ENOUGH OF THIS
LESBIAN ORPHAN PROPAGANDA.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALL BORN
INTO SHIT FAMILIES.

WE DEAL WITH IT.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

MY PROBLEM IS I HAVEN'T BEEN
FUCKED IN LIKE THREE WEEKS.

I AM NOT GONNA TALK
ABOUT THIS ON MY BIRTHDAY.

ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
WHAT ARE YOU, EIGHT?

SO YOU HAPPENED TO BE BORN.
BIG FUCKING DEAL.

OH, I'M SORRY, ALL ATTENTION
MUST REVOLVE AROUND YOU

100% OF THE TIME.
I FORGOT.

NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I'M NOT LIKE THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I GET
SO SHOCKED WHEN YOU
DO SHIT LIKE THIS.

YOU'RE A GROWN WOMAN
IN A CREEPY,

CO-DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP
WITH YOUR PARENTS.

IT'S TOTALLY NORMAL,
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
BECAUSE YOU COMPLETELY
ABANDONED YOUR FAMILY.

IT WASN'T A CHOICE!

OF COURSE, IT'S A CHOICE!

SAYS THE CLOSET CASE!

THEY KNOW I KNOW THEY KNOW.

I'M WAITING FOR THE RIGHT
TIME TO BRING IT UP,

OUT OF RESPECT FOR THEM.

I THINK YOU AND I SEE THE WORLD
TOTALLY DIFFERENTLY.

WE DO. YOU KNOW, YOU THINK
THAT I'M A BAD PERSON

BECAUSE I'M NOT COMING OUT
ON YOUR TERMS,

AND I DON'T AGREE WITH THAT.

THAT IS NOT TRUE.
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

THAT'S TOTALLY TRUE.
YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME.

I'M LISTENING TO YOU, AND
EVERYTHING YOU'RE SAYING

IS PISSING ME OFF
AND COMPLETELY INACCURATE.

YOU ARE RUINING MY BIRTHDAY.

YOU'RE RUINING MY TWENTIES.

I CAN'T--

I DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE
TO DEAL WITH YOU.

THAT'S FINE.
LET'S BREAK UP.

FINE.

OKAY.

IF YOU'RE GONNA GO, JUST GO.
YOU DON'T GET TO TAKE THINGS.

I GOT YOU THOSE PANTIES.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.
FUCK YOU.

WHAT THE FUCK IS
WRONG WITH YOU?

I GOT THESE FOR YOU.

YOU'RE A FUCKING
CRAZY PERSON!

YOU WANT TO PLAY
LIKE THIS?

DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
OKAY.

I BOUGHT ALL THE BOOZE
FOR THIS PARTY.

ARE YOU HAPPY?
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?

YOU KNOW WHAT-- DON'T BOTHER
TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT US.

I KNOW YOU, AND THE MORE
THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

THIS IS PROBABLY JUST A PHASE.

GOD, THIS WAS SUCH
A WASTE.

HEY.

HI.

NICE HAIR.
THANKS.

THIS IS JON FRANCIS.

THIS IS MAXINE.

JON, SHOW HER
YOUR CHEST TATTOO.

IT TOOK THEM FOUR HOURS
TO DO IT.

IT'S A GIANT SQUID
BITING A SPERM WHALE.

COOL.

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M OKAY.
YOU?

GOOD.

YOU SHOULD MEET MY DATE.

WHERE IS SHE?

AT THE BAR,
GETTING US DRINKS.

GREAT.
SHE SOUNDS AWESOME.

SHE IS.

GOD, LOOK HOW THINGS WORKED OUT
FOR BOTH OF US.

YOU HAVE YOUR LADY WHO
FETCHES YOU DRINKS AT A BAR,

LIKE A MAID, AND I HAVE
MY HUNKY REBEL WITH A CAUSE.

OH, WHAT'S THE CAUSE?

JON'S SPEARHEADING A CAMPAIGN
TO BRIDGE THE GAPS

OF GENTRIFICATION IN BROOKLYN
THROUGH MASS KOMBUCHA BREWING.

THAT'S NOT A THING.

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA
GO DANCE NOW.

JON'S KNOWN ALL OVER BUSHWICK
FOR HIS VOGUEING.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
T's AN AMAZING DANCER.

OH, IS SHE?
YEAH.

SHE GOES TO HER WEST AFRICAN
DANCE CLASS RELIGIOUSLY.

IS SHE BLACK?

NO.
SHE SOUNDS AWESOME.

SHE IS.

TIBET?

HEY, SHIRIN.

THIS IS YOUR DATE?

YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?

YEAH, WE WORK
TOGETHER.

TIBET,
THIS IS JON FRANCIS.

JON, SHOW HER
YOUR CHEST TATTOO.

UH, TIBET'S
A FORMER HAIR MODEL.

YEAH, I HEARD.

MAXINE AND I USED TO DATE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE?

NOPE.
WHY NOT?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT.
FUCK YOU.

WHOA, THAT IS UNCALLED FOR!

YOUR HAIR IS UNCALLED FOR.

BABY, LET'S GO GET HIGH.

I DON'T WANT TO GET HIGH.
WHATEVER.

WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR PASSIVE
DISINTEREST IN EVERYTHING?

SERIOUSLY, WHAT HAPPENED
AT WESLEYAN

THAT DID THIS TO YOU?

MAXINE, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO.

OH, SHUT UP, TIBET.

NO ONE CARES WHAT
YOU HAVE TO SAY.

YOU HAVE THE SEX APPEAL
OF A FERRET.

I'M IN HERE.

IT'S MAXINE.

GO AWAY.

THE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU COULD
TRY TO REPLACE ME

WITH THAT FETUS.

I'M NOT TRYING
TO REPLACE YOU.

I HATE JON.

I KNOW.

TAKE A CAB HOME.

YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, OKAY,

EVERYBODY PLEASE COME SIT.
I HAVE A FILM.

EVERYBODY STOP PLAYING

AND COME WATCH THE MOVIE.

ALRIGHT, SO THIS IS ONE
OF THE FIRST FILMS

THAT WAS EVER MADE
FOR AUDI--

IT'S NOT APPROPRIATE
FOR OUR AGE.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE
LIKE THAT?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

KUJO, GROUCHO, WHY ARE YOU
NOT SITTING HERE?

I'M SCREENING A FILM.

WE'RE WATCHING A MOVIE.

YES!
NO, I WANT YOU RIGHT HERE.

WHAT HAPPENED?
OKAY...

DO WE GOTTA CLEAN
ALL THAT UP?

THERE'S TOO MUCH.

HEY, GUYS.
LEAVE IT.

JUST LEAVE IT.

NEW PLAN.

I SAY FORGET THE STOP MOTION.

WHAT MOVIE
DO YOU GUYS WANT TO MAKE?

I WANT TO MAKE A MOVIE
ABOUT FARTS.

ALRIGHT, GREAT.
LET'S DO IT.

FARTS.
ZOMBIES!

ZOMBIES?
AWESOME.

BOOGERS!

WHAT ELSE HAVE WE GOT?
IT'S A GOOD START.

WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE HERE?

I WANT BOOGERS IN MY MOVIE.

BOOGERS.
THERE WE GO.

BUTTS.
BUTTS.

YOU GUYS ARE IN THE ZONE.
KEEP IT FLOWING.

NAKED NINJAS!

I'M NOT A ZOMBIE.
I'M JUST A BOY.

BUT YOU'RE MAKING
THE ZOMBIE MASK.

IT DOESN'T MATTER
IF IT'S YOUR CHARACTER.

YOU'RE JUST MAKING IT UP.

CAN IT HAVE MORE EYES
THAN TWO?

YES.

ZOMBIES HAVE AS MANY EYES

AS YOU WANT THEM TO HAVE.

WELCOME TO THE "BROOKLYN KIDZ
MOOVIE MAKER,

FINAL SCREENING."

FIRST WE SCREEN
THE ADVANCED CLASS,

AND THE NON-ADVANCED CLASS.

THANK YOU FOR COMING.

I WROTE THAT SPEECH.

I LOVE FARTING.

I CAN'T FART.

OH, YOU GUYS.

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

SHIRIN.
HI, KEN.

SO, THAT WAS...

DISGUSTING.
I'M SO SORRY.

ACTUALLY, I THOUGHT
IT WAS HILARIOUS.

SERIOUSLY?

YEAH.
I WAS CRACKIN' UP.

THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR SAYING THAT.
YEAH.

LET'S FACE IT,
FARTS ARE FUNNY.

I AGREE.
FARTS ARE FUNNY.

THANK YOU.

HAVE YOU SEEN CARRINGTON?

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

HIDING.

I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN
SUCH A DICK ABOUT LAYLI.

AW, COME ON,
FORGET IT.

COME ON, LET'S GO INSIDE.

MY OLD ROOMMATE MAXINE AND I
WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

AH, SO YOU'RE A LESBIAN.

I WAS PRETTY INTO
ALL THE GUYS I WAS WITH,

SO I THINK I'M BISEXUAL.

AND THAT'S A THING?

I'M AFRAID SO.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW DO YOU THINK MOM AND DAD
ARE GONNA TAKE IT?

OH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
TELL THEM NOW THAT IT'S OVER.

SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY BIG THING
TO NOT BE HONEST ABOUT.

FINE.

JUST UH, WAIT UNTIL AFTER
THE WEDDING, ALRIGHT?

YOU ARE SUCH A DICK.

WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT
A SEXUALLY CONFUSED NARCISSIST.

CAN WE PLEASE GO INSIDE?

HEY, CAN I BE
YOUR BEST MAN?

NO,
ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I ATE BEFORE I CAME.

OW, FUCK!

OW! SHIT.

I'M SORRY I RUINED
YOUR SCARF.

MOM, I'M A LITTLE BIT GAY.

YES, I AM.

AND I WAS IN LOVE
WITH MAXINE.

SHH.

SHIRIN, ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M OKAY.

STOP BREATHING SO LOUD.

OKAY.

HAS YOUR MOM
MENTIONED IT?

NO.

MAYBE SHE DIDN'T
UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEANT.

NO, SHE KNOWS FOR SURE
WHAT'S UP.

I'M GONNA BRING IT
UP IN ABOUT A MONTH.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

THANKS.

THERE'S A PARTY
AT THE LOFT ON SATURDAY.

YOU SHOULD BRING THAT
WAITER, BRENDAN.

UM, I WOULD, BUT I KINDA
WANT TO SEE IF JACQUES

AND FELICIA TRY TO SEDUCE ME.

IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU THINK
THEY'RE SWINGERS.

I JUST GET THAT VIBE.

YOU SHOULD INVITE
THAT GAY LAWYER.

DID YOU GUYS TOUCH TONGUES?

NO, WE DIDN'T,

AND IT ACTUALLY HURT
MY FEELINGS.

NO, YOU KNOW, THERE ARE
PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD

WHO GO ON FIRST DATES
THAT ARE PERFECTLY GREAT,

AND THEN THEY WAIT A WHILE
BEFORE THEY ENGAGE

IN SEXUAL CONTACT.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

I KNOW, I THINK IT ALL HAPPENS
OUTSIDE OF NEW YORK.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHEN HE TEXTS ME,
IT'S LIKE HE ONLY TEXTS ME

USING EMOTICONS.

WHY CAN'T YOU
USE YOUR WORDS?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I THINK THAT HE THINKS THAT
THAT IS LIKE CUTE.

I AND LIKE...