All language subtitles for 1985 Morons from Outer Space (Mike Hodges)

[Narrator]
Since the beginning of time, man has looked to the stars

and wondered if others
like ourselves existed.

Would they be
super-intelligent, peaceful, sensitive?

Our story will go
some way to answering these eternal questions.

[Computer-generated voice]
Keep space tidy. Thank you.

Keep space tidy. Thank you.

Keep space tidy. Thank you.

[Computer-generated voice]
Mission successfully completed. We repeat.

Aah.

Trailblazer Desmond Brock
has safely returned

to space podule
Exhon mark 4.

Mission successfully
completed.

We repeat...

Repeat...
Repeat.

Well?

Well, what?

Was it there?

[Desmond]
No, it wasn't.

Now we're really
inconvenienced.

They're, um, blue
with silver nipples, and there's a long piece of...

Yes, I know what
a fuse looks like!

We're lost in space.

Lost?

We're not lost.

Well, where are we
then, Bernard? That's what I'd like to know.

Now there is absolutely
nothing to worry about.

Right, Julian?

This is just like
space cruise to nowhere.

No, it is not.

They drifted for days,
years in the end.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

All we have to do is
to put out an emergency repair call somehow.

Drifting...

Drifting...

They all turned into skeletons
in the end, of course.

[Bernard]
Yes, there we are.

With little bits of floppy skin
hanging off them.

[revving]

There.

Right, come on,
chop-chop.

Spaceball anyone?

♪ [humming]

[Bernard]
Beautiful, isn't it?

[Julian]
Where are we, then?

[Bernard]
Ah, well this is technically what we call deep space.

[Desmond]
Well, it's technically what I'd call sod all!

[Bernard]
Look, come on, cheer up everyone.

We are 15 million light years
from the nearest space route.

There is no intelligent life
around here anywhere.

[Newscaster]
So a happy ending for one man and his dog...

and remember, we'll be
back with an update in 2 hours, at midnight.

[Floor manager]
That's it, everybody. Back in 2 hours.

[popping]

Aah!

Graham.

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Mckenzie and
me have got

an important rendezvous
with a contact.

Big story,
eh, Geoff?

Yeah, could be, could
be. So, you look after the phones.

Sure, yeah.

If the 3rd world war
breaks out, just make a note of it, will you?

Yeah, yeah,
you can rely on me. H-h-have a good meeting.

[Computer-generated voice]
Spaceballs can not be kicked out of the recreation area.

Thank you.

Spaceballs can not
be kicked out of the recreation area. Thank you.

[sighing]
Look at him.

How embarrassing.

Feet on the
furniture.

What a...

Desmond!

Aah!

Don't play
with it.

You don't know how
to work it. Desmond, put it back where it was.

[inaudible]

Well, where are
we going? That's what I'd like to know.

Somewhere I
can get a drink, hopefully.

What about
Bernard?

What about
Bernard?

Des!

Well, he's...

so how do you stop
these things?

[Julian]
We're gonna hit it! We're gonna hit it!

We're going too fast.

[radio frequencies]

♪ [muted country music playing]

[indistinct dialogue]

Aah!

Ah!

[siren]

I got one.

I got one.
I got a spaceship!

They're coming!

I got a spaceship.

They're coming
from outer space! They're coming!

They're gonna enter
our atmosphere.

Aah!

[Julian]
I'm gonna die. Help!

Aah!

[Sandra]
Do something, can't you?

[PA announcer]
We have a target. We have a target.

Indian ocean.
Impact 15 seconds, inclusive.

Indian ocean is target.
Looking good.

The Indian ocean
is the target.

Give me the
Indian ocean.

[PA announcer]
4, 3, 2, 1.

I'm locating, sir.

We have splashdown.

[spaceship's engines roar]

[tires screeching]

[honking]

Geoffrey, there's
something very peculiar coming up behind us.

[Geoffrey]
Well, what is it?

Good grief!

[woman]
Get off the motorway!

But it's still
following us!

Don't look
behind you.

[man]
Shouldn't be allowed. It's madness!

Did you get his number?

No. I think he
was Belgian.

[explosion]

[screaming]

[farm animals squawking]

[tires screeching]

uh, hello, love.

Just reporting a
bit of congestion between exits 8 and...

say, 23.

Uh, looks like a spaceship
of some description. Over.

Shall I put the
cones out, sarge?

Yeah, might
as well.

[sirens]

[phone ringing]

Hello? Yep.

[phone ringing]

J-j-just hold on,
hold a minute.

Just a minute.
Can you hold just a minute?

[phone ringing]

Can you hold
for just a minute?

[phone ringing]
Hello? Hello?

Can you hold for
just a minute, please?

[phone ringing]

Hold on just a minute please.
Hold on, can you?

Yes. What?

[minister]
And the government has no intention at this stage

to change immigration laws.

Not only would we consider it
to be totally...

Red phone,
minister.

Aah.

[chuckling]

Excuse me.

Yes?

Oh.

Is there a
cmd. Matteson here?

[Matteson]
Yes.

Oh, it's for you.

Oh?

Oh, hello.
No, no, not very.

Aliens? What do
you mean "aliens"?

What do you mean
"from another planet?"

Yes, it's a tricky one,
isn't it?

If they're still alive,
don't let them out of their flying saucer.

We don't want a lot
of little green men

terrorizing the home counties

during Ascot week,
do we, hmm?

Yes, all right.
Full emergency.

Cmd. Matteson?

Yes, all right.

I'll try to join you
for coffee in the library.

I want the press
kept out of this.

[screaming]

Oh my god!

Yes, I'm impressed.

Blah blah blah
hold the front page, blah...

Shut up!

Look at this office.
It looks like the end of a Chinese meal.

The biggest story
since Adam and Eve got evicted

and where
were you all?

In the pub
with you, Stanley.

Yes, so who have
we got on the spot, eh?

I'll tell you who.
No one!

Wait a minute, Stanley.
What's that?

Hmm?

"Mr. Benson, an alien spaceship
has landed on the m1,

"taken camera unit to cover.
Everything under control."

well, at least
someone here knows what's going on,

someone who can
seize the moment by the horns as it rises.

Who is this, eh?

Graham Sweetley.

Oh, my god!

Aliens have landed
and I've got an idiot

running around
with my camera unit.

Wait a minute,
Stanley!

We don't even know if it's
an alien spaceship yet.

Listen. I've been in
television for over 40 years

and I can recognize
the inexplicable and unknown when I see it.

All right, everybody.

All right, you lot.
Let's make television.

Your time has come,
you smug bastard!

The aliens are here.
We're all going to die.

[screaming]

[woman]
The aliens are here!

The aliens are here!

The aliens!

[animals squawking]

[cocks gun]

Are you all right, Sand?

Ohhh, Jools.

Well, what is it?

It's my leg.

What's wrong
with it?

You're standing on it.

Oh.

He's dead, Julian.

[groaning]

No. No, I'm not, Sand.

Pity.

It's a good job
Bernard's not here.

Why?

Well, he'd be angry
about the mess, wouldn't he?

[sirens]

[Matteson]
Drive on.

You like it
strong?

Yeah, pour it in.

2 sugars.

Thanks, Brad.

[policeman]
All right, now, back you go! No one's going anywhere!

[police chief]
Chief insp. Miller, local police.

Chiefy.
How is it going?

Hell of a mess, sir.
It's attracted every crackpot in the country.

Good.
Good.

Godfrey, sir.
Local fire department.

How's it going?

Oh, terrible.
Lost 3 men.

The flames are completely
out of control.

Good, good.
Well done.

If you wouldn't
mind, sir.

Of course.

It's Geoffrey,
isn't it?

[woman]
Get off my land, all of you, and take your army with you!

Have that
woman shot, will you?

[rifle shot]

There's a sort
of podule.

[Matteson]
I beg your pardon.

Down there.
It looks undamaged.

[helicopter approaching]

Gentlemen,
col. Laribee.

Cultural attache
at the American embassy.

Sir!

Commander, you probably
don't know this,

but my mother
was a great military strategist.

No. No, I didn't.

Well, there's no
reason why you should.

One hell of
a woman, Matteson.

Yes, yes,
I think she was.

I'm only sorry
she can't be here now to see this.

So am I.
Hmm.

The archbishop
of Canterbury on the line, sir.

Tell him I'm
at prayer.

Let's face it, commander,
the people of the world as we know it are...

Uh...

What's the word
I'm looking for?

Doomed?

No.

Saved?

No, no.

Not alone? The people
of this world are not alone?

I think you know
what I'm talking about, Matteson.

So, broadly,
you're in agreement.

Commander, the
quicker you can make your move, the better.

Go for it.

But just remember,
we're not playing Polo in Westminster Abbey now.

These beings are of
a higher intelligence.

[Sandra]
Well, don't just sit there, Desmond. Do something.

[Desmond]
What?

Well, start the engine
and let's get out of here.

Well, I can't
do that, can I?

Why not?

Well, because
it's broken.

How do
you know?

Because it
looks broken, doesn't it?

Here is a statement
issued at 23:30 hours, April 16.

I will read
it once.

There will be
no questions.

"There's been an
accident on the M1 just south of Luton."

What is Sweetley doing?
Pictures! I must have pictures.

[assistant]
Ob coming through.

That's more like it.

Good boy, good boy!

Sound! I must have sound.

[assistant]
Sound.

The simple explanation is

that the vehicle in question
was a prototype

7-story, helium-driven
hovercraft

blown off-course while
undergoing tests in the solent.

That is the end of
this statement. Thank you.

Greetings.

Had trouble
finding you.

Your signal
was weak.

Where are
you going?

Oh, uh, I'm easy,
you know.

I'm just bumming
around the spaceways, you know,

doing my own thing.

Very much like yourself,

except you've
obviously been up to it longer than I have.

Judging by the, um...

What do you call
that, sort of, floppy skin, sort of, h-hanging off?

It's a lovely, lovely
spaceship, isn't it?

It's not bad.

I bet she's got a bit
of poke when you pump the gas, eh?

Are you male
or female?

Pardon?

Are you the male
of the species or

the female?

Um, ah, m-male, male, male.
I'm a man. I'm a man. Ah, definitely.

I'm a human man,
part of mankind.

But very definitely the
male part, or parts.

Oh, shit!

[yelping]

Aah!

Uh! Aye!
Oh! Aye!

Ahh!

[birds chirp loudly]

Sod off!

[PA announcer]
Will all section 7 personnel scheduled for decontamination

proceed to the
decontamination unit in the decontamination block

for immediate decontamination.
I'll repeat that.

Will all section 7 personnel
scheduled for decontamination

proceed to the
decontamination unit in the decontamination block

for immediate decontamination.

[Matteson]
Col. Laribee.

[Laribee]
Cmd. Matteson.

Ah, Simpson.

Has there
been any further activity?

No, sir. We alerted
you as soon as we heard the noise,

what, oh, 3 hours ago.
It's been quiet since.

And you think
it's some sort of life form?

Well, we're naturally
taking orientation precautions... disguise.

Where's prof.
Trousseaux?

I beg your
pardon?

Trousseaux.

Oh, the frog. He's
setting up his equipment next to the podule now.

Good.

Who is it?

I had him
flown in.

Did you?

Yes, Trousseaux,
the world's no. One expert

in linguaphonic
communications.

Of course
he is.

He certainly has
a fair amount of tackle.

Listen, if the man who
got a dolphin to ask permission

before pissing in his pool

needs a lot of equipment,
he needs a lot of equipment.

Yes, I can imagine.

[Laribee]
Cmd. Matteson, am I wearing the right clothing?

This is not my suit.
Where's my suit?

[Laribee]
Prof. Trousseaux!

Professor, thank god
you're here. If ever there was a time

when the skills that
you are endowed with were what we have need of,

then this is it.

Gentlemen, may I
present the man

who will unravel
the mysteries of the aliens' language?

This is the
big one.

[speaking french]

[speaking french]

The big one.

The big...

one. Un.
Talking to the aliens... The podule.

Oh.

[with French accent]
Podule. Podule.

Podule.
Podule.

Talk, speak
to aliens.

[scientist]
Prof. Simpson.

Prof. Simpson.

The noise has
come back, sir.

[male moaning]

[moaning]

[Simpson]
This is a much more positive signal.

Is it?

Yes. The first bout only
lasted 20 seconds.

♪ [musical beeping]

♪ [Scott Joplin's
The Entertainer playing on organ]

[inaudible]

[moaning]

Des.

Des, I can
hear music.

So can I,
Sand.

I thought you were asleep,
you dirty little git.

Oh, don't
stop, Des.

♪ Born free
as free as the wind blows ♪

♪ as free as the grass grows
born free to follow your heart ♪

turn it off! We don't need
a goddamn Wurlitzer!

♪ Live free
and beauty surrounds you ♪

please turn it down!

♪ The world still astounds you
each time you look at a star ♪

I'm gonna take this Wurlitzer
and shove it up your...

Sir.

Oh, my god!

[Sandra]
Des?

[Desmond]
What?

The door's
dropped off.

What?

The door has
dropped off.

[Desmond]
Well, put it back on again!

[rifles cocking]

Des?

What?

Would you come
here a moment please, my darling?

Oh, fuck.

Would you just come here
please, Desmond?

[Julian]
Sand?

I wonder
what that...

Desmond?

[Desmond]
I'm try... I'm... all right.

[toilet flushing]

Did you pull
that door off?

May I speak to
Mr. Benson, please?

Mr. Benson.

Yes, it's very urgent,
actually.

Hello, Stanley.
This is teabag.

[reporter]
We'll leave with a hovercraft.

I think there's
somebody coming.

We need a picture
of a hovercraft and we'll need the diagram.

All clear.

[blowing]

[jumbled talking]

Gentlemen, professor
Simpson and his team have just completed

a thorough physical
examination of the aliens

and he has come to
the conclusion that they are...

human.

Human.

Human?

Yes. It's quite feasible...
A parallel world, a planet.

A whole new life form
developing in much the same way as our own,

in a distant
solar system.

It's all here
in document 14.

All right, gentlemen,
no more pussyfooting around. Let's go.

Sit down,
will you?

[clearing throat]
Over here.

We'd like to start
at the beginning.

Yes.

Good.

Good place
to start, I think.

[Simpson]
You have come to our planet from another planet?

No. We come from
our own planet, not another one.

That's what
we mean.

Why didn't you say so, then?

Yes, why didn't
you say so? Let's start again.

At the beginning.

If you like.

I don't mind. It's him
that gets confused.

Sit down,
Simpson.

[Matteson]
The planet that you come from...

Yes?

What do you
call it?

What do I call it?

Yes, what do you
call it?

What's it known as?
What's its name?

I've forgotten.

You've forgotten?

Yeah, silly me.
I'll forget me own name next.

Give us a clue.

Now, can you
complete that?

Can you?

Of course.

Well, what are you
asking me for?

[clanking]

Greetings.

My name is Bernard.

I have traveled far
to your planet.

I come in peace.
Will you speak with me?

[clanking]

No, I understand.

I would like to meet
with your leader.

Is that possible at all?

I will return here
in 24 hours,

when the moon is
in the heavens again.

Good.

This should interest you lot.

This is the sort of thing
we have on our planet.

See this?

Just by touching this, see,

we can make signs,

what we call
letters and words.

Yeah?

Mm? See?

P-l-a-n-n-i-t.

Planet.

[nervous chuckling]

You'd have a bit of a job
carrying one of them around in your top pocket, wouldn't you?

And we call
this a pen.

P-e-n-n.

Ooh, ooh,
show it to me.

Um...

where are you
now I'm up?

Tempt me side...

you must have heard of
tempt me sideways.

Oh, how did it go?

♪ [humming the song]

♪ it's such a na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ but it's true ♪

Do go on.

♪ Such a na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ but it's true
when you are in my arms ♪

♪ why does the sky go blue ♪

♪ my heart goes bim-bim-bim ♪

♪ when I'm with you ♪

♪ make my dreams come ♪

♪ true ♪

So, let's just recap,
shall we?

"It's very big, possibly huge

"but also wide
and round. "

"it's a greeny,
sort-of-bluey, sort-of-all-bright-colors

"and covered with
all-wispy clouds... "

"and all in all,
a funny old place."

and there's nothing
else you can tell us about your planet?

Oh.

I've just remembered
what it's called.

What?

Blob.

Blob?

Blob.

Blob?

Blob.

Ah.

You're early. Greetings.

Once more.

Leader not here, then?

You seem strangely
silent tonight.

You haven't told him, have you?

What is the point in people
making arrangements...

What can I say?

This is a
great moment. A great moment.

[screaming]

Hey, Melvin, there was
this strangely dressed

man-of-the-forest back
there and, you know, I think we hit him.

Good.

Oh no, Melvin. Please, stop.
We gotta get some help.

[sirens]

[man]
Definitely a sprain of the ankle. Some abrasions.

Possibly slight bruising
of the toes. He'll be ok.

[banging]

Ahhhh!

Aah!

Ahhhh!

[man ♪1]
Severe concussion, multiple fractures,

hemorrhaging,
possible broken toe.

Somebody get
me an ok on immediate surgery.

Somebody find
a doctor!

[man ♪2]
We've got a sick man here.

[Bernard]
Where am I?

It's ok, honey.
You're gonna be all right.

I must go home.

Yeah, sure,
honey.

I must leave this planet
at once. Has anyone seen my spaceship?

He's delirious.

Take me to your leader.

It's going to be ok,
honey. Just relax. Everything's fine.

Look, I am not
talking to you. I'm talking to him.

[nurse #2]
Get the doctor.

[Simpson]
Sorry to call so late. You asked to be kept informed.

Have they tried
to escape?

No.

Have they given
something away?

They have started
playing with the chess set.

Oh. This is a
development.

No, it isn't.

I see.

Cmd. Matteson,
I don't wish to dwell on technical matters.

But these visitors
from outer space...

Yes?

They are what we
scientists call "brainless."

Brainless?

They're thick,
stupid, dum-dums.

[woman]
Cruds.

Cruds.

[man]
Twits.

Twits, morons.
Look at them now.

They're posing
in the mirror.

I had the mirror
taken out yesterday.

[group chuckling]

Some years ago, we used
to send chimpanzees into outer space.

Someone, somewhere
has gone one better.

[jumbled talking]

They're completely
worthless.

They know as much
about the secrets of the universe

as my mother's
labrador.

They've got you exactly
where they want you.

Running around and around
in circles until they're ready to strike.

Will they?

You don't see it,
do you?

The moment that they
get out on the streets

their heads will split apart
like ripe peaches. Spletch!

Like maggots.
Swarms of them.

Reproducing until
we have no power

with which to
resist them by.

I think we all need
a good night's sleep.

We'll try a different
approach in the morning.

[jumbled talking]

Hello, Stanley?

Yes, I know it's late.
This is teabag again.

And there's
someone coming.

[Desmond]
Take it easy!

[Desmond]
What's all this?

[Laribee]
Shut up.

What?

Shut up!

Now, listen, boy,
and listen good.

We're not going
to leave this room

until I know how your
spacecraft was powered.

I've told you.
I drove it.

[Desmond]
Ahh!

You know
what I mean.

Well, look, you've got
2 pedals, right?

And you press one and
that makes it go.

And you press
the other and that makes it stop, see?

Pedals.
P-e-d-d-e-l-s.

Pedals.

Aah!

Come on. Show us
your tentacles.

What?

Come on,

throw off
the disguise.

What?

Come on.

Let's have a look
at the real alien.

[Desmond]
Ahh!

Keep him away from me,
will you? He's mad!

[sighs]

So I knew this would
have to happen eventually, you know?

Well, you spend as much
time buzzing around in space as I do,

you're bound to make contact

with the odd intelligent
life form, aren't you?

Ah, this is very good.
Can't be too careful.

I, uh, I think you'll
find I'm clean.

This way,
is it?

Fraternal greetings
to your planet.

Yes, keep it formal.

May I say, on behalf
of my planet,

how proud and privileged I am

to be at this coming together
of 2 great civilizations.

Good evening. I'm here
to see your leader.

I believe
he's expecting me.

Well, George Washington's
taking a nap right now.

Julius Caesar is watching TV.

But I'm sure one of
the Napoleons will be able to talk to you.

[screaming]

and we consider it
a regrettable incident

that we must put behind us,

especially today,

because I have a very
important announcement to make to you all.

[Laribee]
It will have to wait.

[matteson]
Col. Laribee, I've been very patient with you.

But as long as I control
this operation...

cmd. Matteson, you no longer
do control this operation.

I do.

Gentlemen.

When you're in the tub

and a man-eating
spider crawls out of the faucet,

you don't ask him
to pass you the soap.

I'm telling you, we have got
something in our plumbing

and I don't like it.

These are no pinheads
from another planet.

These are
no pea brains from beyond.

Right.

These are
mind suckers.

I can hear my
mother now.

She's saying,
"Get out there, Raymond.

"get out there and
get those leeches before they get you."

My god, haven't any of you
seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers?

Let's kill 'em!

[cheering]

Wait, wait. I'll take
the ugly one with the drink problem.

[cheering]

Ow!

Shh.

What did you
do that for?

Shh.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Aah.

The ventilation
shaft, sir!

Yah.

After them.

Dr. Weiss.

[alarm ringing]

They won't hurt you,
come on.

What would you
do if you were being chased?

Hide.

Hmm.
Let's hide.

[man on intercom] All
armed personnel in section, report to the cellblock.

Wait, wait.
Just a minute, just a minute.

How am I supposed
to escape if you keep running away?

Now I know you're
frightened and confused,

but just get in
the car, will you?

Halt or I'll fire!

They're not inside,
they're outside!

[machine gun firing]

[sergeant]
Come on, come on!

Come on!

[soldier]
Which way, Sarge?

[Julian] Can
somebody explain to me what's going on?

[Graham]
Quickly.

[Julian]
If it's not too much to ask.

Come on, get in.
Just get off the key!

Olly olly oxenfree!
Adios, aliens.

[gunshot]

Sir?

Matteson!

Do you think
they're all right?

[Sandra]
Not really, no.

Wait.

Ahh!

No, Sandra,
I have to talk to you.

Can't we behave
like reasonable human beings?

We're all getting
hot under the collar.

They're not!

I can't let you
escape like this. Stop the lorry.

Yes, you'd like me
to stop the lorry, wouldn't you?

Well, I can't.

I'm taking these
people where they'll be cared for,

somewhere they'll
be looked after.

Somewhere...
Oh my god!

Sandra!

I love you!

What did
he say?

♪ Oh Sandra
you came from outer space ♪

♪ but when I saw your face
somehow I knew ♪

What's up
with him?

He's singing.

♪ You nosedived into
mY atmosphere ♪

♪ you dropped your landing gear
and my heart flew ♪

[Stanley]
Graham, let me in. This is the scoop of a lifetime.

Graham, don't do this to me,
not to your own father!

You're not my father, Stanley.

[Stanley]
You can't keep this to yourself.

Is he a friend?

No, he isn't.

Didn't my wife suckle
you at her breast?

[Graham]
No, she did not.

Would you like her to?

No, thank you.
Ignore him. He'll go away.

[Julian]
He says to go away.

You could have
anything you want.

Anything. Here.

Graham,

just fill in your own amount,
all right?

Aw! Ow!

[Matteson] Nobody move,
we have the building completely surrounded.

You must hand over
the aliens to me immediately.

No harm will come to
you if you give up without a struggle.

If you don't believe me,
look out of the window.

Come out one by one
with your hands high.

Come out with your
hands up, slowly.

Don't come any closer.

[TV announcer]
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an urgent newsflash.

We'll return to our western
as soon as possible.

[Julian]
What's happened to the cowboy film?

Thank you for your help.

[Julian]
Will you be quiet?

[Graham]
I need this.

Crash at Luton last week.

Yeah, sure, Stanley.

And they are
holed up here...

That's us!

132a...

Mornington Avenue.
That's us. We're on the news!

[Julian]
Shh.

Home of unscrupulous,
unemployed,

former junior assistant,

Graham Sweetley.

That's the incredible
story tonight.

Earlier this evening,
the head of special operations,

on site,
cmd. Grenville Matteson

was prevailed upon
to issue a statement.

He said there are
3 extraterrestrials

of humanoid,
Caucasian appearance.

The leader is male,
about 31, 6'2", 190 pounds,

pallid complexion,
lank, greasy hair.

The second is of
indeterminate sex,

28, 5'10", 145 pounds,

short, dark hair, pale skin.

The female is 26,
looks younger.

26!

She has a delicate complexion
and excellent bone structure.

Her eyes are hazel,
flecked with gray and sometimes a little sad.

Her voice is throaty,
hands exquisite,

and she's said
to have a certain indefinable something.

Cmd. Matteson added

they were highly intelligent
and potentially dangerous.

Highly intelligent?
Highly intelligent? You've got it wrong!

They've got it wrong.
Listen to me, woman. I shouldn't be here!

I should be over there
in, ah, in what's it called... England.

Don't you understand?

You can't let those idiots
talk to your civilization!

They've enough trouble
with each other.

Bernard, I think we'd be
better off downstairs.

[excited chattering]

Look, I'm quite calm.
Is that the time?

I promised to give
the eskimo chief a ping-pong lesson.

You're wasting
your time with me.

[man]
Kill them before they kill us!

Aliens!

Can we not watch
something else?

No!

Look! That
man's going to throw something.

What is it?

Ouch!

It's some sort
of brick, I think.

That could've
been dangerous, that.

I'm hungry.

Wasn't our fault we
crashed on their planet, was it, Sand?

No. It was
Des' fault!

[groaning]

Aah... Aah!

This is madness!
Madness.

I can't...
I can't let them do this. I can't.

[screaming]

[Graham]
So!

Space travelers come
halfway across the universe to this planet.

This is how
we greet them, is it?

[woman]
Yeah, he's right, he's right.

With rocks and
with avocados.

[woman]
How much are avocados?

You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.

These aren't space
monsters with TV aerials stuck on their heads.

They haven't come here
to zap your planet with their ray guns.

These are fellow beings,

come in peace to do
a bit of shopping.

People of earth,
people of earth.

We should count
ourselves privileged, yeah, yeah, privileged,

to greet these
intrepid pioneers

who've come so far
across the spaceways.

[explosion]

Because they didn't do that
without courage...

[man]
Fire!

Yes, and without
fortitude and without wisdom.

[man]
They've seen the light!

Uh... Your
cooker's on fire.

You stupid
imbeciles!

[crowd yelling]

You haven't been
on holiday with them.

I tell you,
they're absolutely...

[groaning]

[screaming]

come on.
Come on, that's it.

[screaming]

Friends, this is where
our paths must divide.

I have a mission
but I must go alone.

Which way
is England?

[jumbled talking]

[Bobby whimpering]

Bobby, there's
nothing to be frightened of now.

On my planet,
all of you would be free men.

Not locked away
like animals.

Be free, find your
own happiness.

Farewell.

[grunting]

[cheering]

Are you all
needing a lift?

[Bernard]
Yes, yes.

Oh, by the way...

Yup?

I'm a man.

Are ya?

Yes.

Good.

Good.

So, uh...

Where y'all from?

Originally?

Yup.

Well, originally, I come
from a long way away.

Uh, you see,
what happened was, I was with my friends.

And we were, um,
we were in our spaceship...

uh...

Ahh!

[woman]
Here they come.

Who's this?

[Flunkey]
Countess Gretal of the Netherlands,

may I present
Sandra Brock?

[giggling]

You've got all
the gear on then, have you? Have you seen this, Julian?

[giggling]

[Flunkey]
King Alexis of Moravia.

Sandra, I have
to talk to you.

[Julian]
Leave her alone.

Forgive me.
It was the only way.

No.

Look, Sandra doesn't
like you. All right?

There's a quiet
anteroom, somewhere where we can talk.

Just the
2 of us.

Who are you
shoving, mate?

Get back
in line.

For goodness'
sake!

I don't know what
people see in her.

She's perfect!

[Countess]
Perfect? I've got bigger tits than she has.

Yes, I understand.
I'll be with you in a minute.

There's somebody
on the other phone.

Excuse me.
Hold on for a moment.

Hello, this is the aliens'
residence. Can you hold a minute please?

Aren't you lot up yet?

We're having a bit
of relaxation.

I'm sorry
about that. Yes, yes.

Des?

[Julian]
It says here, you're a big pop star on blob.

Does it?

"Sandra Brock said
yesterday that... "

well, they exaggerate,
don't they?

Look, these are ambassadors
from another planet.

They're not interested
in advertising. No.

"She went on to say
that her husband, Des,

"is a well-known millionaire
scientist on their planet."

Some hope of that.

[Graham]
Honestly, they wouldn't do it for $1 million.

You're offering
$1 million?

No, you don't-
you don't understand.

There is nobody here
who has the slightest interest

or concern for mouthwash.

No. No, non,
niente, nein.

No, not $9 million. No.

You don't understand.
The money is entirely irrelevant.

No, that doesn't mean
they'll do it for free, either.

No. Please, stop bothering me.

I'm going to put
the phone down now, you see.

Just go away!

[Graham stammering]

Hello. Hello,
I'm sorry about that.

Hey, that tastes
just like loob!

Oh, my god!

For charity, yes.

I'm afraid you're barking up
the wrong tree here.

They don't even know
what golf is.

I don't think it'd be fair
to ask them to do it. The answer is no. Yes.

[phone ringing]

Could you get that for me,
Julian, please?

Doesn't look
like "loob."

It tastes like it, though.
Up your flaps.

Oh, don't drink it, Des.
It looks like wee.

Thank you,
very much.

[phone continues ringing]

"Loob's" green,
Desmond.

Good luck with
the tournament and... and "up yours," too.

[phone ringing]

Graham,
get me a crate of this stuff, eh?

Yes, I'll get it
in just a minute.

You haven't got
time to do that, Graham.

You promised you'd
take us to Scatland!

Scotland, in fact.

I can't get any water
out of this thing.

You promised we could
go and do some shopping in Scatland!

Post.

You promised!

Oh, shut up!

What am I doing?
What am I doing?

This is what my life
has come to, is it?

Dancing attendance
on you 3 greedy interplanetary pillocks!

Well, I've had enough.
I'm finished!

[phone ringing]

Very sorry,
all gone away.

There's no water
coming out.

Julian.

Graham.

Gra...

Julian's got his finger
stuck in a tap.

Please.

[knock on door]

[woman]
Flowers for miss Brock.

[choir]
♪ oh Sandra you came from outer space ♪

♪ but when he saw your face
somehow he knew ♪

[Matteson]
How dare you, sir!

Put me down!

Sandra!

Yeah, hello, love. Yeah,
can you get me a plumber? Plumber, yes.

And a brewery, and
a couple of thousand tons of green dye.

[Sandra on tv]
♪ don't tempt me sideways you always do ♪

♪ it's such a na-na-na-na-na
but it's true ♪

♪ when you are in my arms
why does the sky go blue ♪

♪ my heart goes bim-bim-bim-
bim-bim when I'm with you ♪

♪ when I feel happy
young men look twice ♪

♪ my headache seems to go away
my hair looks nice ♪

♪ but if you ask me
why I sometimes look annoyed ♪

♪ it is because my husband's
stronger than upright ♪

♪ that's why I'm a... ♪

♪ girl ♪

[announcer]
This show is brought to you live from england.

[applauding and cheering]

[laughing]

That is
great, Sandra, really great.

Now, where were we?
Ah, yes.

University.

Yes.

What subject did you
read at university, Sandra?

Shoes.

[laughing]

Yes, I did shoes
and hair.

[laughing]

Black and
yellow.

[laughing]

And, oh, I did
waltz dancing.

Cobblers.

And Julian.

Yes?

You were a world-famous
manicurist on blob.

Was I?

[laughter]

Famous manicurist?

[Sandra]
You remember?

[Julian]
Oh... oh, yeah, anything you say, sir.

[laughing]

Let's get over
to you, Des.

[glass breaking]

Get outta here!

[applauding]

So Julian also read
dancing at university?

[Sandra]
Yes, but only preliminary.

[laughing]

and, uh, coloring.

Not much preparation
for piloting a spaceship.

[laughing]

No. Bernard did
all of that.

Bernard?

Bernard?

Who's Bernard?

Um... He's um...
He's Des' brother's friend.

Des, uh, Bernard was
with you, was he?

Yes.

No.

Yes, he was.

Wasn't he?

[host]
Where's Bernard now?

Well, he's up there,
lost in space, I hope.

Don't try and stop me.

Ok, but why, honey, why?
It can't be as bad as all that.

Why? Why?

I'll show
you why.

You...
Look at that! Look at that.

Recognize them? Eh?
My 3 so-called friends?

Rich and famous. And me,
destitute, nowhere to go.

No money. And home.

14 million light years away.

Nothing!
Nothing. Nothing.

That is bad,
you better jump.

Thank you, madam.
You've been a great help.

Wait a minute,
you're not called Bernard are you?

That is my name, yes.

Hey, you must be
the 4th alien.

Yes.

The one they talked about
on the chat show just now.

Yes.

The one with the
body odor problem.

Yes, yes, that's me!
Oh, I'm saved, I'm saved!

Oh, I won't be
needing you anymore.

Aah!

Excuse me,
you're wanted back in the studio.

Ok, fine.

Stay cool. Okay.

[Desmond]
What's up?

What's up?

Wait a minute,
wait a minute! A 4th zoonie from blob

is trying to park his
flying saucer, but don't tell Graham.

Tell the whole world
over their breakfast.

[jumbled talking]

He's still up there.

I don't want to hear it!

I've got you...

I've got you the biggest
contract, the biggest contract since...

since the last
contract I got you.

That was a big
contract, wasn't it? "Yes, it was Graham."

It was, Graham.

It was great.

I might as well
just flush this down the...

Excuse me.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

[toilet flushing]

Honestly, Graham,
Bernard's dead.

I hope so.

Do you think
he's dead?

[sighing]

Not yet, madam, no.

Uh, Mr. tope?

Mr. Tope!

Uh... Uh...
Mr. Tope.

The maid has reported
a hotel towel

missing from
your bathroom.

Oh, goodness.
Heh, heh. Yes, look. Packed it by mistake.

And an alabaster
ashtray with simulated gold fittings.

Oh, yes.

And a bedside
lamp stand.

Yes.

Yes, and, ah, an antique
ormolu telephone.

Oh, yes, thank you
very much.

Yes, and
a chamber...

what is all this?
We own this hotel. He can take what he likes.

Come on.

[clearing throat]

Good evening.
My name is Bernard. I am the 4th alien.

Yeah, ok, very impressive.
Now go to the back of the line.

[inaudible]

You hear the news?

The 3 aliens are coming to
New York, one night only.

$2,000 a ticket.

[cheering]

[cheering]

Julian, it's me!

[Bernard]
Julian, look.

[inaudible]

[Bernard]
Julian!

Julian!

Julian! Julian! Julian!

It's me!

Somebody
lend me $2,000.

I promise, you'll get
it back just as soon as I've seen my friends.

You see,
I am an alien.

Hello, my name...
My name's Bernard. Hello, I'm an alien.

Right, everybody out!

What is all this?
For Christ's sake, Ambrose, earn your money.

Come on, out,
out, out, out, out. Out, out, out.

Come on.
Come on.

Not you.
You're on in 5 minutes.

Graham.

We've been thinking...

yeah, well, there's
a first time for everything.

Get dressed.

[performer]
Thank you! Thank you, America!

We're not happy,
are we, Julian?

We think we're going in
the wrong direction, artistically.

We're thinking
of retiring.

Retiring?

You haven't done anything yet!
Get your clothes on.

I don't think you
appreciate the kind of pressure that we're under.

Self, self, self!
That's all you think of, isn't it?

Never mind the 400,000
ordinary earth people out there.

No, you surprise me.
You really do.

I really thought
you were bigger than that.

I blame myself. I-I've
turned you from nice, ordinary guys

into monsters from outer space.

[Julian]
No, don't say that, grah.

Well, I suppose I just hoped
for too much, didn't I?

I just hoped that
you could show

this... this crazy mixed-up
planet we live on,

torn by war and strife
and suffering,

that there was something
up there, something beyond our own petty concerns.

Something we could believe in.

But I was wrong to hope,
wasn't I?

I was wrong to hope for
something sincere and truthful.

[Desmond]
What do you think, Grah?

You look fine.
Get out there and slay 'em.

[applauding and cheering]

[announcer]
Let's have a big hand

for the alternative
gospel singers,

They're god's people
from outer space... big blobs.

♪ How
how did we come ♪

♪ before the podule ♪

♪ the podule of hope ♪

♪ came
came from above ♪

♪ podule of love ♪

♪ podule of love ♪

♪ they came yes they did
they came from heaven ♪

♪ at about 10 past 11:00 ♪

♪ right by junction 7 ♪

♪ that podule of hope ♪

♪ how did we come ♪

♪ before the podule ♪

♪ the podule
the podule of hope ♪

♪ [singing]

[fans screaming]

All right,
all right.

♪ ...glory, glory... ♪

♪ ...glory, glory
hallelujah! ♪

[applauding and cheering]

[announcer]
And now, guys and gals,

the moment you've
been waiting for.

The aliens are about
to materialize before your eyes.

They came to us from
a far distant planet

and now,
here they are in our midst.

I insist,

let's hear it for the aliens.

[applauding and cheering]

♪ [rock music playing]

[Sandra]
Are you ready for us?

Hey, it's great to be
on your planet. Hey, let's go.

♪ So tempt me sideways ♪

♪ you always do ♪

♪ it's such a
na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na but it's true ♪

♪ when you are in my arms ♪

♪ why is the sky so blue ♪

♪ my heart goes ♪

♪ bim-bim-bim ♪

♪ when I'm with you ♪

♪ make my dreams come true ♪

Take it, Desmond!

Ow!

[gagging]

Desmond!

You're disgusting!

It's all over my costume!

Julian!

[crying]

You're a complete
animal, Desmond.

[belching]

Oh, you've ruined
everything.

[Julian]
Oh ho! Ooh, yeah!

I'll never be able to
hold my head up again, you animal!

I thought it went
really well.

Sand.

Sand.

What?

Hello.

What do
you want?

What do I want?

What do I want?

Well, that's a damn
stupid question.

Well, you're not
having any of it, so...

Oh, Sandra.

Julian.

Me old mates! Des!

It's your old pal, Bernard,
the 4th alien.

There is
no 4th alien.

I'm here. Look.
Look.

Look at you.

You don't even
look like an alien.

Ambrose! Will you
get rid of this autograph hunter.

That's not fair!

Let go!
Let go of me! Unhand me!

You simpletons,
don't you understand I'm the 4th alien?

Let me go.

[Bernard]
I am a personal friend of the leader of your people.

[crowd]
We want the aliens! We want the aliens!

[crowd screaming]

[engine revving]

What's going on?

Now what's happening?

You can't turn
your back for one second.

Out of my way,
Desmond.

Let go, mom.

[Sandra]
Out of my way, please. We are the aliens.

Thank you very much.
This is our show, if you don't mind.

Did you rent a space podule,
Exhon mark 4?

Um...

so what if
we did?

It was supposed to be
returned 5 weeks ago.

It crashed,
actually.

Well, I hope
you're fully covered.

Where is it?

[Julian]
Well...

there's not much left,
and that's in a museum.

I suppose you'd better
come back with me then.

[spaceman]
What are you dressed like that for?

Nothing, really.

Are you coming or what?
I can't hang around.

You don't know me,
but, um, I know who you are... Bernard.

I...

now, I'd like to
have a little talk with you because, um,

well, for one reason or
another, some of the things that happened today

have obviously excited
the 2 of us, haven't they?

I should introduce myself.
Sweetley. Graham Sweetley. Yeah, it's nice to meet you.

Now, this, um,
this whole shebang...

♪ everybody wonders
why we walk around ♪

♪ with this blank expression
on our face ♪

♪ that crazy bunch ♪

♪ out to lunch ♪

♪ that bunch of jerks
from outer space ♪

♪ we're morons
welcome to our pleasure dome ♪

♪ welcome to our mobile home ♪

♪ up in the sky ♪

♪ we're morons people say
we've gone too far ♪

♪ but we don't know
where we are and we don't know why ♪

♪ silver bird has landed
on your motorway ♪

♪ no one could have guessed
what was inside ♪

♪ hey, look
they're drinking tea ♪

♪ hey, look
it's on TV ♪

♪ turn on and see
2 worlds collide ♪

♪ we're morons
welcome to our pleasure dome ♪

♪ welcome to our mobile home ♪

♪ up in the sky ♪

♪ we're morons
people say we've gone so far ♪

♪ but we don't know
where we are and we don't know why ♪

♪ we don't know why ♪

♪ someone up there's
watching me and I don't know who ♪

♪ trying to predict
what I will do ♪

♪ what have we got to lose ♪

♪ I think I'll buy
some shoes ♪

♪ maybe a home computer, too ♪

♪ travel incognito
on the underground ♪

♪ form ourselves
into a tidy queue ♪

♪ we'll charge enormous fees ♪

♪ to mention frozen peas ♪

♪ our faces green ♪

♪ and play a slot machine ♪

♪ we'll take a peaceful nap ♪

♪ if we've got time to ♪

♪ clap your hands
if you're a moron, too ♪

♪ hey, hey we're morons
and we cruise the stratosphere ♪

♪ quite a space
from ear to ear ♪

♪ there's nothing there ♪

♪ we're morons ♪

♪ and we come
from outer space ♪

♪ we're going to another place
but we don't know where ♪

♪ we're morons
welcome to our pleasure dome ♪

♪ welcome to our mobile home
up in the sky ♪

♪ we're morons people say
we've gone too far ♪

♪ but we don't know
where we are and we don't know why ♪

♪ we're morons
and we cruise the stratosphere ♪

♪ quite a space
from ear to ear ♪

♪ there's nothing there ♪

♪ we're morons
and we come from outer space ♪

♪ we're going to another place
but we don't know where ♪