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[Music]
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hit the road Jack and don't you come
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back don't want no more no more hit the
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road Jack don't you come back don't what
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to say in the road Jack don't you come
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back no more no more no more no more hit
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the road Jack don't you come back no
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more
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[Music]
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I really believe that divorce doesn't
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have to be ugly I mean we obviously
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loved each other at one point and I
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don't see why we can't remain friends it
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would be hard not to be friends with a
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terrific girl like you hmm
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I'll call you later okay hey mom
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what you doing saying goodbye to my
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lawyer can't you at least have milk with
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that it's nuclear for me hey Ryan I have
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something for you
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turn around you like that that's how it
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feels when someone leaves the toilet
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seat up and you fall in oh now come on
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kids you know the rules shut up until
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you go to sleep oh that must be your
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father right on time just one sec the
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sprinklers go off I'm sorry but don't
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worry it's just water yeah that's okay
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oh by the way I've picked up your
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cleaning don't worry it's just water and
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some mud cuz I was surprised by the
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sprinklers I dropped it in a puddle
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after I took the cellophane off
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where you been your mom kicked me out
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two weeks ago no kidding
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oh well see you hi baby
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you knew I was gone didn't you yeah
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daddy I'm so self-absorbed I didn't even
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know you were here now no you're looking
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kind of good
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why didn't have a lose way to look good
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for me just didn't seem worth the effort
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I think we should keep working on the
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details of the divorce hi guys
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don't worry it's just ex daddy you know
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I do think it was a good idea you had
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didn't either one of us should get a
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lawyer Oh getting involved with lawyers
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that's just us now let's address the
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specific provisions of the marital
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settlement agreement relating to section
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44 paragraph 2 the California marital
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community property code God if I didn't
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know any better I'd think you were
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sleeping with a lawyer who was
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what are we laughing about god I don't
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know we just have fun together sign the
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divorce agreement if it turns out she
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gave me too much you know I'll give it
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back to you yeah one thing about you I
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trust you totally how come your dental
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bills are mixed in with the kids because
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I was trying to cheat you don't get that
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one let me figure a couple of things
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let's see I make $40,000 a year so you
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figure mortgage taxes the kids you that
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leaves me with $8,000 a year after rent
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that's like 40 bucks a week that's 30
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bucks a day swimming across the Rio
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Grande to get away from 5 bucks a day
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I need a drink Jax no that's not the
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answer
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Jenny do you know where my purple pills
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are no ma oh well red and blue that
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makes purple
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you I forgot to tell you mom moved in to
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help out with the kids and keep me from
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getting too bitter you unworthy prostate
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of a man I spit on you the church it's
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on you the Lord spits on you
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hi mrs. Slattery it's mom that's another
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thing I've always hated about Julian you
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never called me mom I'd like to tear you
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limb from limb okay baby let's go for
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long time maybe you better lie down for
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20 minutes and I'll loosen eight while
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you listen to the big band this ain't
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over Punk you just can't be nice to her
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can you now you know she has five
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doctors and a team of pharmacists
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working around the clock and still she
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won't die
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certainly no fun trying to cheat you out
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of money if you're gonna be in a mood
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like this we'll talk about the divorce
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tomorrow now in the meantime I packed up
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a few of your things your pillow your
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blue quilt which forced me to have a
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blue bedroom which prevented me from
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enjoying even one moment in my own home
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a fork a knife and your orange juice
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glass
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I don't want anybody saying I wasn't
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fair by hey wait a second what about my
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jacket
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what jacket buy my leather jacket I've
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had ever since I was 17 until that night
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you got cold and I lent it to you lent
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it but you then put on your side of the
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closet and I was never allowed to wear
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again if I took something of yours I'd
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give it back what about my virginity
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check with somebody else baby
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do you really hate migrants as you do
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[Laughter]
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scrimmages likes to talk we both know
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that she's just a pill-popping
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whacked-out old weaves bagging Chisholm
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eatery real harm tonight I want you kids
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to come over and see my new place
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daddy I want you this year not lonely
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mr. floppy you want me to have mr.
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floppy oh gee we had some fine times
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together you and me and mr. floppy you
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know he's gonna help me sell some cars
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yes the bunny's gonna turn the odometer
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spend matter that would be illegal
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we got gremlins coming in there at night
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that do that I wanna see the gremlins
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daddy well son only grandma can see the
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gremlins oh he's cute yeah
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oh go ahead you should give him a tumble
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a sex is cool all the kids are doing it
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well not me I'm not caving in to peer
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pressure I choose to save my virginity
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for some wrinkled old wheeze bag like a
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ton of money in a month to live I'm not
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giving it away there's going to be a
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major entry fee then why bother dressing
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like that because I love the power I
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can't believe this no one wants to go
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out with me is every girl in the school
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lesbian
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Katie Lisa
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great producing a nation of gym teachers
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it's me
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well hi okay sure
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okay bye that was mom she's dropping us
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off at dad's new place tonight your
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dad's place your parents broke up hey
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everybody the Malloys are breaking up Oh
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children of divorced parents come on
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over welcome to new members
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[Laughter]
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he's the best thing that can happen to
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any kid now your parents have to compete
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for your love and they don't know how to
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do that so that means buying you things
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are you get two sets of presents for
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Christmas and birthdays and things maybe
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even four if they each get a boyfriend
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or girlfriend and the best part for you
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is when you fail it's not because you're
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stupid you're the product of a broken
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home
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someone stole a midterm exam off my desk
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I know it was you sorry the product of a
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broken home
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[Applause]
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nice huh and quiet too cuz I heard the
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immigration department did a sweep
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yesterday so she's gonna be my company
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here huh yeah and it is great hey ever
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tell you I used to box Golden Gloves oh
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yeah I put them up what watch your left
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oh man just think this is just the
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middle of my life the end should be
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really good
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Jack you're a loser huh I said a loser
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what part of that didn't you understand
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so you're talking mr. floppy it didn't
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take me long to lose my mind you didn't
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just say something right okay I'm just
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not gonna talk to you I think that might
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be the best way to handle this
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after all I'm a grown man I'm not gonna
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sit here and talk to a bunny why do you
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think I'm a loser mr. floppy thank God
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for a minute I thought I really was
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going nuts talking I was truly
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well don't they're very jumpy alright I
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think I'm starting to understand this
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you're kind of my my alter-ego don't get
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too deep with this I'm just a talking
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bunny hi guys great to see ya
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I'll tell you what the kids home you
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know you could bring them home a little
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late tonight but mom you said we're just
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coming for a second everybody suffers in
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a divorce well dad we get for the night
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what are we gonna do because I'm bored
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I'm bored I'm bored well you won't be
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for long it's like a wonderland here
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maybe we should take a little easy with
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mr. floppy hair Ross remember when you
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used to tell me how mr. floppy used to
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talk to you well he really did talk to
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you didn't he uh no dad I may be away
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for a minute it's it's kind of coming
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off okay I don't need your stinking
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sympathy
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so how's everybody doing I'm bored I'm
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bored I'm bored too I've been bored for
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twenty years and nobody seems to care
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but I'm the dead how did I become the
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dead I used to be the kid matter of fact
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people used to call me the kid yeah they
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called me the kid right up until you
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were born nah middle-aged they sell used
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cars and you're bored well who cares
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about you I'm dying here come on three
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okay okay better now good dad I'm the
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product of a broken home
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and I wanted you charity and I want to
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transfer to a private school in France
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it's only twenty-five thousand dollars
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so it's a cheap charity that's $25,000 -
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you want to go to France
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you want a car okay you know what I want
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I'm gonna get to work tomorrow your
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mother's father my supervisor for some
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unknown reason has decided to take away
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my company car so now I'm trying to
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scrape together the down payment on a
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moped maybe a lark you know one of those
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cool motorized chairs that old people go
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shopping
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sure so you get what you want
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don't be so unfeeling our daddy is
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hurting he needs our support right now
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hello oh hi amber
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Oh at my dad's place well you wouldn't
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wanna sit on the toilet here mr. floppy
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but now be a bad time to ask about my
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charkie again let's just put it this way
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you will get your Jeep Cherokee before
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your sister goes to France she really
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believes you're gonna send her yeah she
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sure is stupid listen did you find out
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where your mom keeps my old leather
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jacket while she's up tonight I'd kind
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of like to get it back well gee I don't
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know dad I mean if I told you that he
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kind of be like I was taking sides oh
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well excuse me mr. Switzerland mr.
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neutral mister sure mr. Nazi will
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protect your money fine you go put holes
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in your cheese while the world burns you
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your food cake your baby boy all
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right
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[Applause]
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you know I love my jacket still fetch to
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God you're one deluded schizophrenic do
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you want some advice
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Ron change your name move to the Ozarks
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sell you sheep have a daughter and
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merrier
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the important part is Ron I never ran
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from anything in my life except for cops
270
00:17:15,610 --> 00:17:17,800
and really big guys but never from
271
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,680
responsibility except that girl that
272
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:23,680
thought she was pregnant wonder whatever
273
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,110
happened to her anyway I'm not running
274
00:17:26,110 --> 00:17:28,240
now I'm gonna stay here and take care of
275
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:31,720
my wife and kids blah blah blah blah
276
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:38,350
blah full house your wife's a shrew and
277
00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:40,180
if you think your kids love you they
278
00:17:40,180 --> 00:17:44,710
don't believe me I was there you know
279
00:17:44,710 --> 00:17:47,170
there's a nice big can down by the bus
280
00:17:47,170 --> 00:17:51,400
stop says toys for Honduras how'd you
281
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,760
like to wake up there do what if you got
282
00:17:54,760 --> 00:18:00,330
the guts
283
00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:03,049
maybe this divorce was my fault I can't
284
00:18:03,049 --> 00:18:06,820
even get along with a stuffed bunny oh
285
00:18:06,820 --> 00:18:12,520
is it me watch me give her a hard time
286
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,419
who is me
287
00:18:14,419 --> 00:18:22,280
drop dead I'm leaving okay Punk what are
288
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:26,440
you doing here oh this place is charming
289
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,240
the condemned notice outside doesn't
290
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,570
begin to describe the beirut like
291
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:36,230
squalor which is your new home
292
00:18:36,230 --> 00:18:38,450
yeah what does it matter you're gonna be
293
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:40,760
alone your whole life what did you do
294
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:46,529
get your period and rush right over
295
00:18:46,539 --> 00:18:49,490
it's not due for two days and we both
296
00:18:49,490 --> 00:18:51,980
know I don't get PMS you do know that
297
00:18:51,980 --> 00:18:52,730
don't you
298
00:18:52,730 --> 00:18:54,470
besides it has nothing to do with that
299
00:18:54,470 --> 00:18:56,120
it's just that every month you just
300
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,280
happen to do something real annoying
301
00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:05,260
right before my period I guess
302
00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:06,750
[Applause]
303
00:19:06,750 --> 00:19:10,050
do you know what I really hate about you
304
00:19:10,050 --> 00:19:14,260
that I can't sleep without you oh so you
305
00:19:14,260 --> 00:19:18,610
miss me huh get real I just had a bad
306
00:19:18,610 --> 00:19:22,000
date he took me out to eat the check
307
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,150
came he touched my thigh and said you
308
00:19:25,150 --> 00:19:26,770
had the Big Mac value meal give me three
309
00:19:26,770 --> 00:19:28,320
bucks we'll call it even
310
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,670
and we went back to his place where he
311
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,530
wept because his mother used to beat him
312
00:19:32,530 --> 00:19:36,360
when he was five said he needed a hug I
313
00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:39,640
hugged him and he started crying
314
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:47,470
hug me spank me hug me thank God he was
315
00:19:47,470 --> 00:19:51,010
gross I spanked him and got the hell out
316
00:19:51,010 --> 00:19:54,379
of there
317
00:19:54,389 --> 00:19:57,429
well as wretched as you are at least you
318
00:19:57,429 --> 00:19:59,080
never cried that's cause you never
319
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,119
spanked me I'd be happy to beat the hell
320
00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:04,210
out of you right now I'm going to sleep
321
00:20:04,210 --> 00:20:10,330
don't touch me well I guess this is kind
322
00:20:10,330 --> 00:20:12,669
of good for me because if all guys are
323
00:20:12,669 --> 00:20:14,559
like that guy I should do pretty good
324
00:20:14,559 --> 00:20:18,129
out there oh please don't begin to
325
00:20:18,129 --> 00:20:20,799
compare yourself to him this man was a
326
00:20:20,799 --> 00:20:29,200
mailman with his own car what happened
327
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,059
to us we went on vacation to Hawaii
328
00:20:31,059 --> 00:20:32,679
there first one without the kids
329
00:20:32,679 --> 00:20:35,289
I got to talk to each other and realize
330
00:20:35,289 --> 00:20:36,909
that every single thing you'd do or
331
00:20:36,909 --> 00:20:40,180
think or say makes me sick
332
00:20:40,180 --> 00:20:44,940
[Laughter]
333
00:20:44,940 --> 00:20:47,409
didn't you ever like anything about me
334
00:20:47,409 --> 00:20:52,409
yeah your legs that's it nothing else
335
00:20:52,409 --> 00:20:55,059
nothing about my essence everything that
336
00:20:55,059 --> 00:20:58,899
makes me me no just your legs maybe your
337
00:20:58,899 --> 00:21:05,109
tushie you're a pig but every once in a
338
00:21:05,109 --> 00:21:09,970
while you need a good
339
00:21:09,980 --> 00:21:13,410
don't do it don't do it want me to make
340
00:21:13,410 --> 00:21:43,020
you suffer Oh daddy okay people fitting
341
00:21:43,020 --> 00:21:44,940
notes to me get a bulletin board for
342
00:21:44,940 --> 00:21:49,050
God's sake and an Airwick and a picture
343
00:21:49,050 --> 00:21:54,420
on the wall something tropical great now
344
00:21:54,420 --> 00:21:55,790
I'm gonna be bunny whipped
345
00:21:55,790 --> 00:22:03,080
[Laughter]
346
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:06,090
Jack it was cold so I took your jacket
347
00:22:06,090 --> 00:22:09,360
and two bucks for gas just like you used
348
00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:10,860
to squeeze out of me when we were dating
349
00:22:10,860 --> 00:22:16,490
oh well didn't fit me anymore any huh
350
00:22:16,490 --> 00:22:19,559
god you're a loser she got the house the
351
00:22:19,559 --> 00:22:22,080
car your money in your manhood why are
352
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,809
you smiling
353
00:22:23,809 --> 00:22:25,980
cuz she got the kids
354
00:22:25,980 --> 00:22:37,160
[Laughter]
355
00:22:37,170 --> 00:22:40,170
you're unhappy ever after your show is a
356
00:22:40,170 --> 00:22:42,960
cheap ripoff of Taming of the Shrew bill
357
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,440
w Secaucus New Jersey bill you're an
358
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:48,540
idiot we bear no resemblance to
359
00:22:48,540 --> 00:22:51,690
Shakespeare we are in English his plays
360
00:22:51,690 --> 00:22:53,400
are filled with sexual innuendo and
361
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,120
codpieces
362
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:57,270
we have no codpieces send your
363
00:22:57,270 --> 00:22:59,630
letter to PBS you fool
364
00:22:59,630 --> 00:23:02,580
hey get to work
365
00:23:02,580 --> 00:23:07,250
[Laughter]
366
00:23:07,250 --> 00:23:13,339
[Music]25468
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