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The possibility
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that a large woman might one day swallow
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a small clergyman is one that has always
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appealed to me.
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My mind first started wandering in this direction
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one day in the zoo, while I stood
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watching a huge snake swallowing a live rat.
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The rat didn't wish to be swallowed, he
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was against it.
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But the snake had hypnotised him, so he
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had no chance, and down he went.
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The keeper told me it would take the
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snake five days to digest the rat.
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And that's when I got to wondering how
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long a large woman would take to digest
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a clergyman with all his clothes on if
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he were not too big.
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That, of course, would depend on the woman,
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but I know one or two who could
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have him for breakfast and still feel hungry
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at the end of it.
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Every man that striveth for the mastery is
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temperate in all things.
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I keep under my body, lest that by
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any means, when I have preached to others,
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I myself should be a castaway.
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St Paul's first epistle to the Corinthians, chapter
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9, verses 25 and 27.
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Dearly beloved...
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Dearly beloved, in this age of permissiveness, St
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Paul is sadly out of fashion.
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I could eat him, couldn't you?
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Eateth!
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Good day to you, good day.
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Ah, Miss Elphinstone, glorious flower arrangements, as usual.
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The secret is to get a grip on
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the stalks, Vicar.
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Quite.
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Good morning to you.
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Good day.
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A small token, Vicar, from a spinster of
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this parish.
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Miss Unwin, how very kind.
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Oh, no harm done.
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No, quite.
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They're meant to grow on the floor, aren't
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they?
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Good day to you now.
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Steady, steady, boys, steady.
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Vicar, may I introduce my niece, Mrs Roach.
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Julia.
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How do you do?
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Challenging sermon, Vicar.
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Julia's staying with us for a few weeks.
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Her husband's in the States, on business.
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Well, that's his storey, anyway.
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Oh, quite.
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Don't forget my tennis party on Saturday.
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I'm counting on you for the mixed doubles.
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Well, I'm rather a rabbit, I'm afraid, Lady
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Birdwell.
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Oh, but I adore rabbits.
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I've bagged you already.
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Oh, well, with Julia as your partner, you're
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bound to win.
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Count me like that.
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Shall I lock up, Vicar?
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Oh, no, I'll lock up.
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You forgot last week.
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Yes.
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Yes, well, that was because...
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How's your rash, Vicar?
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Oh, it, um, it comes and goes.
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I'm glad of that.
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Giant urticaria, they call it.
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Nerves.
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He got over it once he was caught
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in regular.
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Good day.
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You too.
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Lord Jesus, think on me And purge away
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my sins From earthborn passions set me free
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And make me pure within Georgie!
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Lord Jesus, think on Georgie Porgie pudding and
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pie Georgie!
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Georgie Porgie!
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Yes, Mummy?
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Don't call him Georgie Porgie, dear.
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You give the boy a complex.
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Basically, Georgie Porgie, your father is a timorous
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man.
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Like all socialists.
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Taste my sherry.
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It's very dry.
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Claire!
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It's called manzanilla.
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He's too young for alcohol.
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He doesn't need that kind of stimulus.
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Don't be frightened, Georgie.
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Drink it.
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A child must experience everything, Boris.
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Everything without shame.
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You've ruined my skirt.
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You stupid child.
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I'm sorry.
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You're just like your father.
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Hopeless.
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Because it's Sunday, Georgie, I'm going to tell
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you about Mohammed.
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Claire, we'll be late for the Harbinger Humanists.
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Humanism can wait, Boris.
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Our pudding and pie needs to know about
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every religion so he has a choice when
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he grows up.
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But Georgie, if you must have a religion,
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and I'm not saying that you must, then
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I suppose Mohammedism is as good as any.
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It's all based on keeping healthy.
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You can have lots of wives, but you
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mustn't ever smoke.
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Why not, Mummy?
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Because if you have lots of wives, you
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have to be virile, Georgie.
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What's virile?
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Being full of bounce in bed, like this.
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I do that by myself sometimes.
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Well, when you're married, you'll bounce.
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Bounce, Georgie.
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Bounce.
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There.
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Please.
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Oh, I think your father's jealous.
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Oh, what a pet you are.
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Mm, scrumptious Mummy.
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Another thing about Mohammed is that...
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Oh, we'll do it on the rug.
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Claire, we're late!
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Come on, pudding, over here.
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We're supposed to be facing east.
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Claire!
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Oh, don't nag, Boris.
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Mohammed never gets constipated.
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Stick to the facts, Claire.
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You ought to be doing this, not us.
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If only you bent over and touched the
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ground with your forehead.
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Come on, Georgie.
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They do it morning, noon and night.
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Facing Mecca.
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And that's why they never get constipated.
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Unlike your father.
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Might I have a
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storey?
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Just once.
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As it's my birthday.
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Darling, you know perfectly well I don't tell
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storeys.
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I don't believe in storeys.
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Just for once.
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Dearest pudding, the world is much too wonderful
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to bother with storeys.
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Let's look at your new book together, shall
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we?
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Well?
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It tells how Daddy and I made you.
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I know.
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Oh?
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There's been whispering at school, has there?
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Dirty little sniggers in course.
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No.
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Well, this book makes it all clear and
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above board, pudding.
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There.
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Ah!
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Rats!
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He's got rats!
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They're hamsters!
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He confiscated them from the choir boys.
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I didn't want my garden doing.
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God preserved me from the spinsters of this
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parish.
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Vicar, doesn't it look better?
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So much bigger with the grass cut.
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Oh, Deborah, it's so hot.
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Hey!
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Oh, I'm so sorry.
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That's all right.
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Quite refreshing, just what I needed.
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Nothing like a cold shower, vicar.
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Tea time, girls.
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MUSIC Where
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is he?
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I hope you don't mind.
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I borrowed your bib.
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It's tea time.
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Won't you join us?
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Oh, I know you bachelors.
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You never eat a thing.
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Georgie Porgie.
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Wake up, Georgie Porgie.
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Wake up.
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Josephine has just started having her babies.
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It's a perfect opportunity.
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You can watch the whole process.
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I don't want to.
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Don't argue, pudding.
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Come on.
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Stop it, Napoleon.
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Josephine's busy.
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It's all because of you.
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Silly girl.
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She's trying to hide the baby from us.
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Go around the other side, Georgie.
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You can see better.
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See how she's washing the baby?
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Now, just imagine, my pet, that the baby
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is you and Josephine is me.
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Isn't it funny to think I used to
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do almost exactly the same thing to you
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once?
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Oh, look.
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She's fondling it and kissing it all over.
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There.
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She's really kissing it now, isn't she?
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Exactly like you and me.
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She's eating it.
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Mummy, she's eating it.
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My darling.
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No!
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Georgie!
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Georgie!
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Darling!
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Georgie!
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Do have one, George.
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May I call you George?
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Mmm.
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Delicious, Edith.
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I think not, thank you.
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Why do you keep hamsters, George?
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They scare poor Miss Anwen stiff.
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One of the choir boys.
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Are they male or female?
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Predominantly female, I think.
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Mmm.
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You really should have one, George.
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You look sort of hungry.
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Excuse me.
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Where's he gone now?
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Call of nature, I suppose.
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It's not my fault.
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You know, someone should really take him in
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hand.
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You're old Meccano, eh?
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Yes, I had to soak it in oil
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to loosen the nuts.
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These are the ladies?
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That's right.
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This is Miss Elphinstone.
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The plump one is Miss Anwen.
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And the rather sleek one is Julia Roach.
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Well, at least that's how I like to
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think of them.
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They ain't had no Osher father for a
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week, right?
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No, indeed.
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And what do you call that big bloke
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at the other end?
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George.
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Male.
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That's sort of me.
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Oh, is he?
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Now, the big question is, will the females
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go for the male or for the nuts
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and raisins?
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Why do you want to know, Vicar?
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It was just an experiment, Mr Pollard.
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I'll lay you they go for the food.
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Grub first, then nookie, eh?
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Well, I can see that you're a sporting
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man, Mr Pollard.
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Right.
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Well, let them go, shall we?
283
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:06,700
On your remarks, ladies.
284
00:16:19,580 --> 00:16:21,180
Well, blow me.
285
00:16:23,970 --> 00:16:25,990
For you, Vicar, you were right.
286
00:16:26,770 --> 00:16:29,010
Dare I suggest that you donate it to
287
00:16:29,010 --> 00:16:30,350
the Fabric Fund, Mr Pollard?
288
00:16:30,350 --> 00:16:30,710
Right.
289
00:16:30,710 --> 00:16:31,290
My pleasure.
290
00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:32,490
I'll do that right away.
291
00:16:39,050 --> 00:16:42,790
Well, George, our reward is that we have
292
00:16:42,790 --> 00:16:45,450
found that the females really are more lascivious
293
00:16:45,450 --> 00:16:46,210
than the male.
294
00:16:47,150 --> 00:16:49,110
When it was your turn, you went for
295
00:16:49,110 --> 00:16:49,870
the nuts and raisins.
296
00:16:50,770 --> 00:16:52,510
I know where I stand now.
297
00:16:53,930 --> 00:16:54,970
Thank you, George.
298
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,080
Point proved.
299
00:16:59,580 --> 00:17:01,440
My advantage, I think.
300
00:17:02,860 --> 00:17:03,619
Mmm!
301
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:10,520
If I had meant well Meant well If
302
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:44,480
I had meant well God will re...
303
00:18:01,410 --> 00:18:02,050
Julia.
304
00:18:02,470 --> 00:18:02,970
Yes?
305
00:18:04,230 --> 00:18:05,450
The figure's been sitting.
306
00:18:05,630 --> 00:18:06,770
If you dare take a sip of our
307
00:18:06,770 --> 00:18:07,510
fruit cup.
308
00:18:08,390 --> 00:18:09,670
It's scrumptious!
309
00:18:10,610 --> 00:18:12,850
Uh, no, I...
310
00:18:12,850 --> 00:18:13,950
Lemonade, I think.
311
00:18:13,950 --> 00:18:16,810
Oh, George, this is so much better for
312
00:18:16,810 --> 00:18:17,870
you than fizzy lemonade.
313
00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:21,890
Carbon dioxide attacks the lining of the stomach.
314
00:18:22,210 --> 00:18:22,770
Didn't you know?
315
00:18:23,810 --> 00:18:24,390
Really?
316
00:18:25,310 --> 00:18:26,770
Don't be frightened, George.
317
00:18:27,270 --> 00:18:27,950
Drink it.
318
00:18:30,700 --> 00:18:32,270
Don't be frightened, Georgie.
319
00:18:32,750 --> 00:18:33,530
Drink it.
320
00:18:52,970 --> 00:18:55,190
Not too sticky for you, Vicar.
321
00:18:55,190 --> 00:18:57,190
I don't eat the mint.
322
00:18:58,490 --> 00:18:59,570
Or the cucumber.
323
00:19:01,170 --> 00:19:02,330
That's hysterical.
324
00:19:07,540 --> 00:19:08,940
There's something amusing.
325
00:19:13,540 --> 00:19:21,300
Mens sana Incorporae Soros Are you all right,
326
00:19:21,420 --> 00:19:21,520
George?
327
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:22,240
Yes, perfect.
328
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:22,820
I...
329
00:19:22,820 --> 00:19:24,680
I may sing a song.
330
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:26,600
He's feeling happy.
331
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,340
Tremendous nectar.
332
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:29,420
George.
333
00:19:29,420 --> 00:19:29,700
Hmm?
334
00:19:30,100 --> 00:19:31,940
Why don't you and I take a little
335
00:19:31,940 --> 00:19:35,580
walk outside and see the lupins clear our
336
00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:35,940
heads?
337
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:37,580
Fine.
338
00:19:38,460 --> 00:19:38,900
Lovely.
339
00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:48,240
I'm sure Julia can help him.
340
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,780
If anyone can.
341
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:55,640
We can cool off in the boathouse.
342
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:57,820
I am cool.
343
00:19:58,600 --> 00:19:59,500
As a cucumber.
344
00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:04,700
A little touch on the tiller, George, just
345
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:05,740
to keep us on course.
346
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:08,920
You're a very understanding woman, Julia.
347
00:20:21,710 --> 00:20:22,830
Relax, George.
348
00:20:24,250 --> 00:20:25,650
It's so nice here.
349
00:20:32,860 --> 00:20:33,300
Relax.
350
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,580
It's not a fantasy.
351
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:41,820
I'd quite like to touch your ear.
352
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:42,880
Oh?
353
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:44,660
Do you?
354
00:20:50,590 --> 00:20:51,470
Hmm.
355
00:20:55,310 --> 00:20:57,290
Why don't you kiss me, George?
356
00:21:03,540 --> 00:21:05,220
Kiss me, George.
357
00:21:06,020 --> 00:21:07,460
Don't be a rabbit.
358
00:21:10,460 --> 00:21:12,340
She's eating it.
359
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:14,980
Mummy, she's eating it.
360
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:16,640
My darling.
361
00:21:18,140 --> 00:21:18,620
No!
362
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:24,600
No!
363
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:26,040
No!
364
00:21:27,780 --> 00:21:29,900
I know what you're trying to do.
365
00:21:30,140 --> 00:21:32,220
You're trying to eat me, aren't you?
366
00:21:32,460 --> 00:21:33,280
Eat me.
367
00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:34,300
Eat me.
368
00:21:34,540 --> 00:21:35,300
Eat me.
369
00:21:47,460 --> 00:21:48,520
Mummy.
370
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:51,700
Mummy.
371
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:55,740
No.
372
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:57,560
Go away.
373
00:21:58,580 --> 00:21:59,380
Go away!
374
00:22:00,540 --> 00:22:02,300
Mummy!
375
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:05,220
Darling!
376
00:22:05,220 --> 00:22:06,920
You're swallowing me.
377
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:09,180
Mummy, you're swallowing me.
378
00:22:09,180 --> 00:22:09,940
Georgie!
379
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:27,580
Morning, George.
380
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,720
Where are we today?
381
00:22:36,380 --> 00:22:41,360
Primary section of the duodenal loop just above
382
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,720
her right kidney.
383
00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:45,920
I believe we can escape.
384
00:22:47,340 --> 00:22:50,480
Well, I don't want to escape.
385
00:22:51,060 --> 00:22:52,600
My dear vicar.
386
00:22:54,180 --> 00:22:55,580
Why ever not?
387
00:22:56,340 --> 00:22:58,400
Because they're chasing me.
388
00:22:59,540 --> 00:23:00,100
Who?
389
00:23:02,100 --> 00:23:02,920
Motelly.
390
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,020
Nobody's chasing you.
391
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,000
Oh, yes, they are, and I...
392
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,140
I bet they're chasing you as well.
393
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,860
Are you too scared to admit it?
394
00:23:13,980 --> 00:23:14,400
No.
395
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,800
Well, then why do you keep coming down
396
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:17,320
here then?
397
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:21,060
I bet you were with Julia as well
398
00:23:21,060 --> 00:23:24,060
and got yourself swallowed up just like I
399
00:23:24,060 --> 00:23:26,860
did and you're ashamed about it.
400
00:23:26,980 --> 00:23:27,320
I'm not.
401
00:23:29,540 --> 00:23:34,360
Anyway, it's nice and comfortable down here.
402
00:23:34,900 --> 00:23:37,980
It's warm and safe and soft.
403
00:23:40,380 --> 00:23:45,220
Listen, you won't tell her where I'm hiding,
404
00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:45,760
will you?
405
00:23:47,140 --> 00:23:48,240
Tell who, George?
406
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:51,120
Mummy.
407
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:08,740
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie kissed the girls
408
00:24:08,740 --> 00:24:10,020
and made them cry.
409
00:24:11,420 --> 00:24:15,000
When the boys came out to play, Georgie
410
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:18,700
Porgie ran away.
411
00:24:21,180 --> 00:24:34,780
The End
25744
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