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If a bucket of paint falls on a
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man's head, that's funny.
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If the bucket fractures his skull at the
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same time and kills him, that's not funny,
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it's tragic.
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And yet, if a man falls into a
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sausage machine and is sold in the shops
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at so much a pound, that's funny.
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It is also tragic.
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So why is it funny?
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I don't know.
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But what I do know is that somewhere
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within this very difficult area lies the secret
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of all black comedy.
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The play you're going to see now is
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one of those blackish comedies, and thanks to
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the presence of two famous stars, it's come
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out a good deal funnier than I was
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ever able to make it on paper.
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Lady Turton, who ran her husband's newspaper, Empire,
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as aggressively as she ran his house in
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Norfolk, didn't know that Sir Basil had invited
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an extra guest for the weekend, John Bannister.
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Gently.
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It's irreplaceable.
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Jack!
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M'lady.
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What is going on?
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Basil!
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Out of your mind?
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Hello, my dear.
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What on earth is this tradesman's van doing
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at the front?
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It's my latest acquisition.
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Quite wonderful, isn't it?
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Basil!
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What will my guests think?
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Really, Basil, you have no style.
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No style at all.
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This way.
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This way.
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Here.
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Evening, Jokes.
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Good evening, sir.
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Who else have we got for the weekend?
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Hardly anyone, sir.
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Yourself and Miss Carmen La Rosa, and a
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young friend of Sir Basil's, I believe, sir.
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A young chap, blocking the drive.
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Very possible, sir.
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Good looking, is he?
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Resentable?
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A bit of young blood?
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I've no idea, sir.
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You will find Lady Turton in the library.
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Thank you.
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Send up my bags, will you?
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I'll change first.
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Isn't she beautiful?
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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Ah, you made it.
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Good.
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Well, what do you think?
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She's just arrived.
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I like it.
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She looks better than when we saw her
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last in the sale room.
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Don't you think?
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No comparison.
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I realise I paid over the odds, but
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we couldn't let her go to Dusseldorf, could
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we?
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Anyway, I had to have her.
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She fills a real gap in my collection.
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I like the way he's used the natural
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grain of the wood.
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Don't tell Lady Turton that.
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She hates what she calls art talk.
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Can't imagine what he was doing, young idiot.
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A young man in a sports car.
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Part his pedal car all over the drive.
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I blasted him with my horn.
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Jokes tells me he's Basil's guest.
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I say, does he ride?
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Oh, we'll have to see.
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If he's Basil's guest, he's bound to be
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a drip.
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Well, now.
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I take that back.
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My dear, may I introduce John Bannister?
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We happen to meet at Sotheby's.
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Basil haunts that place.
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Every honest penny I earn, he spends on
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art.
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How do you do?
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How do you do, Lady Turton?
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Oh, Natalia, please.
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Basil, do get this presentable young man a
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drink.
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Not me, sir.
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Carmen John, Carmen La Rosa.
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How do you do?
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Are you horsey?
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Not really, no.
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Oh, then we won't have anything to say
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to each other.
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What do you do?
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I'm an art historian.
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Oh, my God, how awful for you.
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Jokes, get me another martini.
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I've just met an art historian.
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Oh, I think you've met Jack, Major Haddock.
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In a way, yes.
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How do you do?
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Evening.
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Stupid place to leave a car.
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I was admiring the view.
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Don't we all?
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Basil, for God's sake, take our guest upstairs.
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I cannot stand tweeds after six.
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I can't wait to see you in a
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black tie.
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There's an admired view of the garden, sir.
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Bathroom in here.
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Beware the flush, sir, it's quite powerful.
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Oh, thank you.
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Dinner at 7.30, sir.
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Thank you.
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Don't bother with the...
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No bother, sir.
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That catch is rather tricky.
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I seem to have got the better of
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it, sir.
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Look, there's hardly anything to hang up.
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I just threw in a few things.
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Quite, sir, just a weekend bag.
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Look, really, I'd rather you didn't, sir.
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Do you play bridge, sir?
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Yes, sir, as a matter of fact, I
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do.
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Ah, well, then you'll be doubly welcome here,
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sir, believe me.
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They play a lot of bridge, do they?
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Yes, sir, and poker, and gin rummy.
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So Basil prefers bridge.
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I see you favour the modern approach to
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evening dress, sir.
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What?
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Snap on, snap off.
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It's a bit creased.
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You laundered it yourself, sir?
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It's drip dry.
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Quite.
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I can't wear man-made fabrics myself.
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I find the static electricity generates inconvenient.
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One tends to give up blue flashes in
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the dark.
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That will be all, jokes.
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But your pumps, sir?
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Pumps?
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Your evening footwear, sir.
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They may require a polish, possibly.
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No, no, they're fine, really.
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Very well, sir.
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I'll just leave you to it, then.
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Thank you.
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Thank you, sir.
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Yes, of course.
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I never accept emoluments, sir.
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No tips?
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If I might offer a little further advice,
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sir.
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Yes?
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It's simply that her ladyship does somewhat tend
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to overbid her hand.
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Thank you, jokes.
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Oh, one further point, sir.
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At dinner...
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Yes?
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Her ladyship's right foot doesn't always seem to
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know what her left foot is doing.
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That will be all, jokes.
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I sincerely hope so, sir.
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So what exactly do you specialise in as
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an art historian?
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The Renaissance.
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Oh.
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Basil used to call me his Memling Madonna.
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But I always saw myself more like that.
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The telephone, m'lady.
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Oh, what a bore.
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Who is it?
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The editor of the Sunday Globe, m'lady.
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I am a slave to Basil's inheritance.
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Now, his father.
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What a magnificent man he was.
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Basil, wasn't your father a magnificent man?
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Yes, dear.
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A very forthright, like you.
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Brilliant.
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Built an international newspaper empire out of the
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coarse fisherman's gazette.
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Such animal magnetism.
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Even on his deathbed.
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But does his son take after him?
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Well...
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The editor is waiting, m'lady.
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He needs to know how many nudes you
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require for the front page of the Northern
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Edition, m'lady.
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Thank you, jokes.
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I shall tell him to think big.
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Amazing woman, one.
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One for the book, eh?
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Yes.
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Tell me, what do you think of Basil's
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art collection?
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A load of rubbish.
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Quite the reverse.
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Ah.
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I don't know what you chaps see in
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it.
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Well, for a start, it must be worth
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millions.
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Really, eh?
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Well, that's put the fear of God into
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him.
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Basil, haven't you finished eating yet?
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He is the slowest eater in the world.
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Nibble, nibble, nibble.
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Thank you, jokes.
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Tell Cook the poached salmon was abominable.
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With pleasure, m'lady.
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I know how she values your opinion.
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Well, what's it to be tonight?
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00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:02,350
Gin rummy?
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00:11:02,810 --> 00:11:03,390
Lyre dice?
239
00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:05,030
Stripped poker?
240
00:11:06,110 --> 00:11:06,750
Fringe.
241
00:11:08,430 --> 00:11:09,670
One spade.
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00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:12,610
Three clubs.
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00:11:13,730 --> 00:11:14,410
Three hearts.
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No bid.
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Three no trumps.
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No bid.
247
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No bid.
248
00:11:23,230 --> 00:11:23,890
No bid.
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00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:27,750
Must you always bid three no trumps, Basil?
250
00:11:28,450 --> 00:11:31,870
It makes the game so dull, so unadventurous.
251
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Not if one wins, dear.
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What's the idea, man?
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I didn't ask for another scotch.
254
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No, sir, but as things are looking, you
255
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may well need one, sir.
256
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Are you still losing?
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May I enquire the score, sir?
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No, you may not.
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In fact, jokes, you can go to bed.
260
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This is our last hand.
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Very good, m'lady.
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00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,640
Mr. Bannister and I are 1,200 up,
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jokes.
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A very great event, sir.
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Good night, sir.
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No go.
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It's all yours.
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00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:14,680
We overbid, Natalia.
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I've told you before.
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No, Jack.
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No postmortems.
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You know I can't stand postmortems.
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Basil, since winnings obviously warn you out, I
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suggest you go to bed, too.
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I'm rather tired, dear.
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We'll settle in the morning, all right?
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As a house guest, Mr. Bannister, you leave
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a lot to be desired.
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Do I?
280
00:13:05,740 --> 00:13:07,400
Beating your hostess at bridge.
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00:13:07,820 --> 00:13:08,540
Jack's furious.
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00:13:08,540 --> 00:13:10,640
And then locking your door.
283
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,040
Such ingratitude.
284
00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:16,460
Besides, I have a key to every bedroom
285
00:13:16,460 --> 00:13:17,140
in this house.
286
00:13:17,620 --> 00:13:19,540
All 47 of them.
287
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:23,640
47?
288
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,740
Striped pyjamas.
289
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:31,240
I'm cold-blooded.
290
00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:35,020
And a bow.
291
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:37,360
How sweet.
292
00:13:38,540 --> 00:13:39,500
How old-fashioned.
293
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,500
Just think of this as your bread-and
294
00:13:46,500 --> 00:13:47,440
butter letter, darling.
295
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:49,520
Written in advance.
296
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:57,200
Jones!
297
00:13:57,820 --> 00:13:58,680
Forgive me, milady.
298
00:13:58,800 --> 00:13:59,980
I thought I heard an intruder.
299
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,120
You are the intruder, Jones.
300
00:14:03,660 --> 00:14:05,240
Could I be of any service to you,
301
00:14:05,380 --> 00:14:05,480
sir?
302
00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:07,420
No.
303
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:08,780
Go away!
304
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,080
Hearing strange sounds, I took the precaution of
305
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,500
alerting Sir Basil, milady.
306
00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:19,380
As a butler, Jones, you'd make a perfect
307
00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:20,080
baby-minder.
308
00:14:24,270 --> 00:14:26,010
I hope I've been of some service, sir.
309
00:14:26,330 --> 00:14:27,450
I suppose so, yes.
310
00:14:27,770 --> 00:14:30,190
If I might suggest it, a chair braced
311
00:14:30,190 --> 00:14:32,230
firmly under the doorknob is quite the best
312
00:14:32,230 --> 00:14:32,690
deterrent.
313
00:14:33,950 --> 00:14:35,930
Her ladyship has been known to sleepwalk before
314
00:14:35,930 --> 00:14:36,310
dawn.
315
00:14:36,990 --> 00:14:37,710
Good night, Jones.
316
00:14:37,930 --> 00:14:38,430
Good night, sir.
317
00:14:39,050 --> 00:14:40,210
Good night.
318
00:14:47,460 --> 00:14:49,740
When my father died, I was taken rather
319
00:14:49,740 --> 00:14:50,620
by surprise.
320
00:14:51,740 --> 00:14:53,940
Up until then, I'd lived a very quiet
321
00:14:53,940 --> 00:14:54,960
bachelor life.
322
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,960
Then suddenly, at 40, I seemed to have
323
00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,440
become enormously eligible.
324
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,080
Young ladies appeared from nowhere.
325
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,980
Oh, I bought that head last March.
326
00:15:06,420 --> 00:15:06,900
A frank?
327
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:07,700
Yes.
328
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:12,220
And then Natalia appeared, and naturally swept me
329
00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:12,880
off my feet.
330
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:14,940
All the others were rather miffed.
331
00:15:15,260 --> 00:15:16,580
She is very striking.
332
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:18,500
Oh, and a wonderful head, too, isn't she?
333
00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:21,340
Though, I must say, she has rather changed
334
00:15:21,340 --> 00:15:22,940
the tone of our various publications.
335
00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:26,120
But the cash does roll in.
336
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,400
Who's for a gallop?
337
00:15:29,420 --> 00:15:30,320
We're coming!
338
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:32,720
Jack!
339
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:33,200
Yes, ma'am.
340
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,140
Did you sleep well last night?
341
00:15:46,740 --> 00:15:47,720
Yes, eventually.
342
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:50,680
Jones told me he thought he heard an
343
00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:51,080
intruder.
344
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:53,740
False alarm.
345
00:15:54,860 --> 00:15:55,320
Quite.
346
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:57,640
Jokes is very low.
347
00:15:58,420 --> 00:15:59,920
You're ruining my speech!
348
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:01,840
You are imbeciles!
349
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,100
Out of the way!
350
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:04,760
Oh, dear.
351
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:07,680
Oh, dear.
352
00:16:08,460 --> 00:16:11,020
Oh, I love this place.
353
00:16:11,980 --> 00:16:13,080
Every inch of it.
354
00:16:25,020 --> 00:16:26,120
What's the dicky bird?
355
00:16:27,980 --> 00:16:29,180
Take one like this.
356
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:30,280
Oh, that's very good.
357
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:34,380
Tally-ho!
358
00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:36,680
Shall we go down?
359
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,580
It's very pleasant here.
360
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:46,660
Oh, yes, brilliant.
361
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:48,740
Just like those things at the seaside.
362
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:51,520
How is it?
363
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,880
Oh, it's bloody marvellous.
364
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:56,840
Idiot.
365
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:57,480
Got you.
366
00:16:59,140 --> 00:17:01,460
How now, my proud beauty.
367
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:02,940
Mmm.
368
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,540
Natalia finds everything so amusing.
369
00:17:11,460 --> 00:17:13,380
Jack, I'm stuck.
370
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:14,859
You can't be.
371
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:16,740
I am.
372
00:17:16,940 --> 00:17:17,579
Oh, rubbish.
373
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,020
What goes in must come...
374
00:17:19,020 --> 00:17:19,460
Jack!
375
00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:21,300
Do something.
376
00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:22,940
Oh, flatten your ears back.
377
00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:25,300
I am not a horse, damn it!
378
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,100
Oh, dear.
379
00:17:31,460 --> 00:17:31,960
Oh!
380
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:34,840
What is it?
381
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:37,120
Natalia's stuck.
382
00:17:37,620 --> 00:17:39,300
We'll get something quickly.
383
00:17:39,420 --> 00:17:41,640
Butter, lard, anything.
384
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,680
I got my fist stuck in a jar
385
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:46,980
of boiled sweets once.
386
00:17:47,220 --> 00:17:47,920
Couldn't get it out.
387
00:17:48,660 --> 00:17:50,620
Finally, I broke the jar with a hammer
388
00:17:50,620 --> 00:17:52,760
and told my mother it fell off the
389
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:53,980
shelf by mistake.
390
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,020
I suppose we ought to help, really.
391
00:17:58,380 --> 00:17:58,980
Stop it!
392
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:00,880
I suppose so, yes.
393
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:01,520
All right.
394
00:18:03,260 --> 00:18:04,020
A cigarette?
395
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:06,160
Virginia, this side.
396
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:06,840
Turkish, that.
397
00:18:07,340 --> 00:18:08,240
I don't, thank you.
398
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:10,240
I do.
399
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:12,860
I think of Turkish.
400
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,160
What are you doing?
401
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:19,240
Better take the jacket off.
402
00:18:24,780 --> 00:18:25,540
All right?
403
00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:29,920
Yes!
404
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:30,860
Yes!
405
00:18:30,980 --> 00:18:31,920
Come on, girl!
406
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:32,620
No!
407
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,020
Oh, Jack, I can't!
408
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:36,240
I'm hurt!
409
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:36,960
Ow!
410
00:18:37,460 --> 00:18:37,660
Oh.
411
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:43,600
What a stupid thing.
412
00:18:45,180 --> 00:18:46,700
It's not funny.
413
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:47,420
No.
414
00:18:48,380 --> 00:18:50,500
Well, we'll just have to wait for Carmen.
415
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,300
Oh, God.
416
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:54,980
Now look who's here.
417
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,080
Battle, get me out of here!
418
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,500
What's the matter, dear?
419
00:19:02,180 --> 00:19:03,140
Isn't it obvious?
420
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,180
Stuck her head through the blasted hole.
421
00:19:05,980 --> 00:19:06,960
Can't get it out.
422
00:19:07,660 --> 00:19:08,140
How?
423
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,660
Just for a lark, you know.
424
00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:12,320
Quite.
425
00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:14,720
A bit of fun, as it were.
426
00:19:15,260 --> 00:19:17,260
Battle, don't be such a damn fool!
427
00:19:17,940 --> 00:19:20,040
Well, it's pretty obvious we'll just have to
428
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,320
break up this lump of wood.
429
00:19:22,700 --> 00:19:23,780
Surely not.
430
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:26,380
No petroleum jelly should do the trick.
431
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,220
Ah, you thought of it already.
432
00:19:31,020 --> 00:19:32,060
Allow me.
433
00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:33,460
Good.
434
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,520
You're not going to smother me in that,
435
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:35,840
Mark.
436
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:37,220
Basil!
437
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:38,500
Keep still, dear.
438
00:19:38,820 --> 00:19:39,200
Ow!
439
00:19:39,660 --> 00:19:40,300
No!
440
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:41,360
Ow!
441
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,360
Oh, Battle!
442
00:19:44,140 --> 00:19:46,500
Oh, it's revolting!
443
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:47,600
No, it can't hurt, dear.
444
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,660
If anything, rather soon.
445
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:56,400
That's right on the ears.
446
00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:58,980
Plenty on the ears.
447
00:19:59,220 --> 00:20:02,320
Oh, how dare you!
448
00:20:03,020 --> 00:20:05,280
Oh, this is so humiliating!
449
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:06,680
Oh, Basil!
450
00:20:07,140 --> 00:20:08,360
Oh, look at you!
451
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,840
You're enjoying this, aren't you?
452
00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:14,320
You beastly little rabbit of a man!
453
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,740
I reckon my old fur would get her,
454
00:20:16,740 --> 00:20:16,900
eh?
455
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:18,740
You want to come and check on us,
456
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:19,220
fiancée?
457
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:20,700
Poor madam.
458
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:22,620
Try now.
459
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,300
A good, strong pull from the hips.
460
00:20:25,300 --> 00:20:26,220
Ow!
461
00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:29,300
Oh, I must look ghastly!
462
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:32,440
Ow!
463
00:20:33,380 --> 00:20:34,400
It's no care.
464
00:20:35,420 --> 00:20:36,940
We will straighten her out.
465
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:38,260
You take the left leg.
466
00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:40,060
You two, come on.
467
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:43,540
Now, you take the left.
468
00:20:43,540 --> 00:20:44,020
That's right.
469
00:20:44,220 --> 00:20:45,300
Both of you, that's right.
470
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:45,680
Up.
471
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:46,840
Now.
472
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:48,000
Ready.
473
00:20:48,860 --> 00:20:49,420
Steady.
474
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:50,720
Go!
475
00:20:51,780 --> 00:20:53,980
Ah, put me down!
476
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:07,760
Ow!
477
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:09,140
Let me down!
478
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,760
You hit my husband for me!
479
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:15,100
I'm sure he's doing his best, Lady Turton.
480
00:21:15,460 --> 00:21:16,100
Traitor!
481
00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:17,340
Ow!
482
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:21,560
No!
483
00:21:22,220 --> 00:21:23,780
Perhaps we should call the fire brigade.
484
00:21:23,780 --> 00:21:25,940
Oh, and have them see me looking like
485
00:21:25,940 --> 00:21:26,440
this!
486
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:27,840
Ah, jokes.
487
00:21:28,460 --> 00:21:30,140
An unusual occurrence, sir.
488
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:30,660
Quite.
489
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,580
I presume it is the ears that are
490
00:21:32,580 --> 00:21:33,660
the main obstruction, sir.
491
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:34,980
Could well be.
492
00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:38,060
They do tend to swell in moments of
493
00:21:38,060 --> 00:21:38,520
excitement.
494
00:21:39,180 --> 00:21:39,720
Jokes.
495
00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:40,700
My lady?
496
00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:44,030
Please, do something constructive.
497
00:21:44,740 --> 00:21:48,060
We are considering ways and means, my lady.
498
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,160
Ah, I said so.
499
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:52,420
Chop the damn thing up.
500
00:21:52,420 --> 00:21:54,800
Chop up a masterpiece?
501
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:56,320
No question, man.
502
00:21:58,300 --> 00:21:59,040
All right, Basil.
503
00:21:59,300 --> 00:22:00,880
Come on, get on with it!
504
00:22:01,540 --> 00:22:02,460
Your ladyship is right, sir.
505
00:22:02,460 --> 00:22:04,100
No time like the present, I always say.
506
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:06,620
The saw or the axe, sir?
507
00:22:19,180 --> 00:22:19,660
Ah!
31162
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