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1
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,000
(TYRES SQUEAL)
2
00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:35,600
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
3
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,680
(LAUGHTER)
4
00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:39,160
That's it, Pusface!
5
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:40,320
- Jonny!
- Keep running!
6
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,520
- Get off!
- What?!
7
00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:43,440
Pissface!
8
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:46,720
Agh! Oh! Oh!
9
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,800
- I did it!
- You weirdo.
10
00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:51,720
Running all the way.
11
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,040
Water!
12
00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:55,680
- Water, please?
- Ugh! Please!
13
00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,640
My champion!
14
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:03,680
Salt?! You bloody arsehole!
15
00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:06,240
It worked! It worked!
16
00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:07,320
Jonathan!
17
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:08,480
Come in, Adam.
18
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,080
You can piss off!
19
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,960
- What...? Oi!
- My little Bobble.
20
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,039
Running home to Mummy.
21
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:17,880
That was a killer.
22
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,320
Classic.
23
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,320
Ow!
24
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:22,360
Mum!
25
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,440
Come through, sweetie.
26
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,080
Dead.
27
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,800
(CHORTLES)
28
00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:30,720
Here you are, darling.
29
00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:33,640
- Thirsty.
- I bet you are. So brave.
30
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:37,080
So brave? So disgusting!
(SNIFFS) Oh, he stinks.
31
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:39,960
Er, do you want me to rub my sweaty
groin juice all over your face?
32
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,759
- You dare!
- Boys! Ugh, groin juice?!
33
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:44,120
Revolting! (TUTS)
34
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:45,120
Oh, beef tonight.
35
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:48,560
- Beef? Boom! Yes!
- # Bring it on! #
36
00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:51,039
And I thought maybe you were going
to ask your girlfriends over,
37
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,600
you know, the ones we've never met.
38
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,400
- You thought wrong.
- Very wrong.
39
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,440
Oh, it is Dad's birthday.
40
00:01:56,479 --> 00:01:58,560
Where is the birthday boy...er, man?
41
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:00,960
And what is this doing here?
42
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,080
Cos your not-mad father made me
take it all down.
43
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,040
- Did he?
- He's been such a misery guts all day.
44
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,160
I don't know what to do with him.
45
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:08,199
Push him off the roof?
46
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:09,800
- (LAUGHS)
- Finally.
47
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:12,440
Wait! Just a minute.
48
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,680
- There, Bobble.
- Really?
49
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:15,840
Good boy.
50
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:18,800
- Good dog.
- Pissface.
51
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:20,520
Oh, hello, Martin.
52
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:21,840
- (GRUNTS)
- Happy birthday, Dad.
53
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,079
Happy birthday.
54
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:23,960
Balls!
55
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:24,880
- Sorry?
- What?
56
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,520
- Balls!
- Can you please stop saying "balls"
57
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,640
every time anyone wishes you
a happy birthday?! See?!
58
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,200
Why are you dressed like a berk?
59
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,079
You are in a good mood, aren't you?!
60
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,560
Martin, you know
Adam was running here tonight.
61
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,560
Why were you running again?
62
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,560
- Cos he's a tit.
- Groin juice?
63
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,040
- Don't you dare!
- Don't you remember?
64
00:02:40,079 --> 00:02:41,400
For his training.
65
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,200
The race, remember? Sunday?
66
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:44,760
What? Oh, yeah. The marathon.
67
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,760
- It's not a marathon.
- Really?
68
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,120
You're running a marathon, aren't you?
69
00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,280
Very good. You know it's not a marathon.
70
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,440
- Sorry. Half marathon.
- Keep going.
71
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,280
You don't mean quarter marathon, do you?!
72
00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:58,320
Stop it, Jonny. It's not a quarter
marathon, is it? It's a half marathon.
73
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,000
Mum, I told you, it's a quarter marathon.
74
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,200
That's what I've been training for -
a quarter marathon.
75
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:04,200
Quarter marathon? Does that even exist?!
76
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,760
I bet you couldn't run a quarter marathon.
77
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,320
Course I could. What, is it? A mile?
78
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:08,960
Er, 6.5 miles.
79
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,280
6.55 miles.
80
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:12,320
Human calculator.
81
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,080
- Ugh! I need more water.
- Allow me.
82
00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,360
Er, no thanks.
83
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,000
Boys, behave.
84
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,160
Pusface.
85
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,600
Did you make these?
86
00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:22,920
Seriously, do you have to be such a dick?
87
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,120
Yup. And seriously,
do you have to smell like a sewer?
88
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,640
Um, no, that's just your face.
89
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:28,960
Sorry?
90
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,960
- Groin juice?
- Urgh!
91
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,880
- No!
- Adam!
92
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,400
(JONNY HOWLS)
93
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,400
It's actually 6.554 miles.
94
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,360
Oh!
95
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:47,840
So, we only got you a couple of things,
cos you only asked for a couple of things.
96
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,440
The world's most boring couple of things.
97
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,120
- Here.
- Is this a present?
98
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,720
No, it's your arse. Course it's a present!
99
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,680
No need to say thank you.
100
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,520
- It's a battery tester.
- Yes.
101
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,040
Well, say thank you.
102
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,600
In a minute! I haven't tested it yet.
103
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,160
You're going to test the battery tester?
104
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:10,400
Obviously.
105
00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,240
God, how much crap
do you keep in your pockets?
106
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:14,680
Pillock. Here, have a pound!
107
00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:16,720
Ow! God, Dad!
108
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,839
- Martin!
- (LAUGHS) Nice shot, Dad.
109
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,079
(TESTER BEEPS)
110
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,920
It works.
111
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,920
You're welcome.
112
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,960
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh, please stop calling me.
113
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:33,920
(SIGHS) It's your wretched mother again.
114
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,920
Ugh! Horrible Grandma?!
115
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,960
Hello again, Cynthia.
116
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,200
It's Martin's birthday.
117
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:42,880
I know, Cynthia.
118
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,440
Martin's my only son.
119
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:47,960
Cynthia, we've had this conversation
three times already.
120
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:52,560
We're having a quiet night in,
just the four of us, OK?
121
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,440
- She hung up. Again.
- Good.
122
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:56,520
Nice one, Mum.
123
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,320
I'm sorry, but I'm not having
that grotty old moose ruining
124
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:00,920
another of Dad's birthdays.
125
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,200
Yes, another
of Dad's wonderful birthdays.
126
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:06,960
Huh?
127
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,320
Here, Mr Wonderful.
128
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,400
Is that my other present?
129
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,240
No, it's your other arse.
130
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,440
Drill bits.
131
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,600
You're welcome again.
132
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,440
Where are you going?
133
00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:22,400
Well, to test the drill bits, obviously.
134
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,960
- (CHUCKLES)
- What is wrong with him tonight?!
135
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,760
Maybe we could drill
into his head to find out.
136
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,080
- (DRILLING)
- Dad!
137
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,160
Right!
138
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,320
I'm not having any more of this crap!
139
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:34,760
My drill!
140
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,080
Martin, it's your birthday.
141
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,080
Why are you being such a grumpy git
the whole time?!
142
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,120
- What are you talking about?
- I'm serious.
143
00:05:40,159 --> 00:05:41,480
- What is going on?
- What?
144
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,360
Nothing is going on.
145
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,400
(TUTS)
146
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:45,880
- Dad?
- Dad?
147
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,640
(SIGHS) All right! God.
148
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,920
I'm not going into space.
149
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,360
I'm sorry?
150
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,880
I'm not going into bloody space!
151
00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,240
Wha...?
152
00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:03,880
You're not going into space?
When are you not going into space?
153
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,240
- Tonight?
- Well, obviously not tonight!
154
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:07,480
Did you see my spaceship outside?!
155
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,360
Er, have you been drinking?
156
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:10,440
Yeah, out of the drains?
157
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,480
What are you talking about, Martin?
158
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,040
I read an article.
159
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,480
Right.
160
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:16,800
Read it.
161
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,360
What? The whole article?
162
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:19,560
Oh, bleeding hell!
163
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,240
"Affordable space travel for all
164
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:27,280
"not expected until 2050, say experts."
165
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,440
And?
166
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,720
2050.
167
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,000
- And?!
- Well, I'll be dead by then, won't I?
168
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,120
- Will you?
- Yes.
169
00:06:36,159 --> 00:06:39,200
- Right, and who told you that?
- Your psychic doctor?
170
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,920
Prats. The computer system.
171
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,159
- It's called the internet, but do go on.
- There was this programme on it,
172
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,000
and it asks your date of birth
173
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:48,080
and other stuff, and then it tells you
when you're going to, you know, die.
174
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:51,720
Oh, Martin. Why would you do that?
175
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,280
I die on April 9th, 2048.
176
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,680
- Oh, my God, Dad!
- I did yours as well.
177
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:57,880
- No way!
- What?!
178
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:58,800
You did the boys?
179
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,320
Er, we really don't want to know
when we die, thank you!
180
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:02,600
- Yeah!
- You looked up
181
00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,800
when our lovely sons are going to...
182
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,720
- ...perish?
- What?
183
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,640
How could you do such a thing?!
You didn't do mine, did you?
184
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,520
Well, you last a couple of months
after me.
185
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:12,280
Oh, my God!
186
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:14,560
- Incredible.
- 3rd of June, 2048.
187
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:15,800
- Dad!
- Martin!
188
00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:16,840
Right.
189
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,560
Thank you for telling me
when I'm actually going to die.
190
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:20,920
Thank you so much!
191
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,200
You're unbelievable!
192
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,240
Eh? Calm down, Jackie.
193
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,560
It's probably not the exact exact date.
194
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,480
- Just go away.
- Although, it's probably pretty close,
195
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,400
because I did have to put in
quite a lot of your medical data so, er...
196
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,320
Right. Thank you again!
197
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:35,400
(DOORBELL)
198
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:39,280
(SIGHS) If that's your bloody mother
coming to ruin everything...
199
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,760
I am so angry with you!
200
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,560
Well done.
201
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,000
Yes, good work, Doctor Death.
202
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,240
Please don't be her.
203
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:49,960
(GROANS)
204
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,880
Jackie?
205
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:54,400
Oh, Jim! Thank God it's you.
206
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,840
Oh, Jackie, thank God it's you, too.
207
00:07:57,880 --> 00:07:59,880
- Um, can I help you, Jim?
- What?
208
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:04,480
Oh, yes, we just popped round
to wish Martin a happy birthday,
209
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,400
didn't we, Milson?
210
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:07,880
Um, hello, Jim.
211
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,320
Happy birthday, Martin.
212
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:10,760
- Balls!
- Ugh!
213
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,200
Um, Jim, could I have your date of birth,
please?
214
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:14,480
- Do not tell him.
- Don't tell him that.
215
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,160
Right, why don't you go in there
and practise holding your breath
216
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,160
- for an hour, hmm?
- Jackie!
217
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,560
Bye-bye, Martin.
218
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,680
But, Jackie!
219
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,720
- Anything else, Jim?
- Yes, um,
220
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:29,000
I wondered if I could perhaps perform
some magic tricks for the birthday boy.
221
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:30,360
- What?
- Magic tricks?
222
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:31,920
You do magic?
223
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,400
Oh, yes, we've been teaching ourselves
224
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,080
lots of magic tricks lately,
haven't we, Milson?
225
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:38,520
Look.
226
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:54,920
- What are you doing?
- Magic with my magic hankie.
227
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:59,160
Does Martin enjoy magic?
228
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,200
Absolutely hates it.
229
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,240
Would rather set his head on fire.
230
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,000
Um, do come in, Jim.
231
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,080
Any card?
232
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:10,440
Any card, Martin.
233
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,360
Bleeding hell. Now what?
234
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,160
Look at the card.
235
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,320
And now tell me what the card is.
236
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,400
Really? Um, the four of clubs.
237
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:22,560
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
238
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:32,120
Martin Goodman,
is your card the king of diamonds?
239
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,680
- What?!
- No. The four of clubs!
240
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:39,200
- Oh, yes. I can never do that one.
- Well, thanks so much, Jim.
241
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:43,400
Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think
Jim's quite finished. Have you?
242
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:47,240
Oh, no, Jackie,
I've got lots more magic for Martin.
243
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:54,000
- How exciting! Do carry on, Jim.
- Yes, bravo!
244
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,360
- Bravo!
- Buggers.
245
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,680
Well, that's your dad sorted
for the night!
246
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,640
Maybe Jim will saw him in half.
247
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:04,520
- (CHUCKLES)
- Or much smaller pieces.
248
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:06,840
Shall we just start dinner without him?
249
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:07,880
- Yes, please!
- Definitely.
250
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:12,440
Right. Birthday beef
without the birthday boy!
251
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:13,960
# Skill McGill! #
252
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,400
- # Skilligan McGilligan! #
- (DOOR CLOSES)
253
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,880
Huh? Hello?
254
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,120
What are you doing? Where's Jim?
255
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:22,920
- He's gone.
- Gone?
256
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,120
Yeah, I paid him and he went.
257
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,160
- You paid him?
- Ah!
258
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,760
So that's how you get rid of Jim.
259
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,320
- What did you pay him with?
- I found 20 quid in your purse.
260
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,960
- Fantastic.
- Er, thank you very much, Martin.
261
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,120
Can I have my dinner now?
262
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,600
No, you cannot have your dinner now.
263
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,640
- Boys?
- Jackie!
264
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:40,240
What am I going to bleeding eat?
It's my birthday!
265
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:43,240
Er, really? I thought it
was your death day.
266
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,000
Not this crap again.
267
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,480
Well, maybe we don't want our dinner
with someone who keeps telling us
268
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:48,480
- when we're gonna drop dead.
- What?!
269
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:49,560
I didn't tell you
270
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,600
- when the boys were going to drop dead.
- How kind.
271
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,200
Anyway, those two have nothing
to worry about.
272
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,440
They go on for years.
273
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:55,680
Please shut up.
274
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,880
Yes, shut up, Martin. Oh, potatoes.
275
00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:01,920
You last right up to
the Mars Colonisation Programme.
276
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:06,360
Um, and what year is
the Mars Colonisation Programme?
277
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,240
Er...
278
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:10,920
2085.
279
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,320
- (GROANS)
- Wait!
280
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,800
2085 - that's all right, isn't it?
281
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:18,200
Er, yeah, actually, that is ages away.
282
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,840
See! And you get to go to Mars,
you lucky sods.
283
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,280
What do you think about that?
284
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:23,640
- Yeah, that's pretty cool.
- Yeah.
285
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:28,200
Sorry, no. Adam, you get to go to Mars.
Jonny, you don't.
286
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:29,680
- What?!
- Cos you die first.
287
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,600
- Ah!
- I die first?!
288
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,200
But Adam's older than me!
289
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,680
Yeah, but he lives longer cos of his,
you know, running and exercise.
290
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,240
Of course! My running and exercise.
291
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,280
(GROANS)
292
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,720
July 22nd, 2082. That's when you die.
293
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,000
Oh, my God!
294
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:46,200
- What?!
- Dad just told me my death day.
295
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,440
- Oh, Martin!
- Ow!
296
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,120
July 22nd, 2082.
297
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,400
Don't tell me, Jonny!
298
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,440
Ow!
299
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,720
Jackie, calm down. Adam's gonna go
to Mars, isn't that fantastic?
300
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,520
- That is fantastic.
- I need a drink.
301
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,920
But, Jackie, Mars!
Don't you think that's incredible?
302
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,560
Mars, Mars, Mars.
303
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:03,760
Brilliant.
304
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:07,400
Well, I promise
I'll give you a lovely funeral.
305
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:10,640
- Thank you.
- And I'll try not to fart on your grave.
306
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:14,760
Pusface! Anyway, it's all crap, isn't it,
working out when you're gonna die?
307
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:15,880
Yeah.
308
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,440
It's just a shame
you never took up running.
309
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,920
Right, well, I'll just start running now,
then I'll live longer than you.
310
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,760
You're gonna start running now, are you?
311
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,000
Yeah. Let's go for a run.
312
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,680
Sorry? You want to go for a run right now?
313
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,320
Yes, I can run as far as you - easy!
314
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,280
- Where are you going?
- Putting my shoes on.
315
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:33,160
Pissface?!
316
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,040
- Your mother!
- What?
317
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,920
Oh. Yeah.
318
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,640
Go on, then.
319
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:46,200
March 20th, 2085.
320
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,080
Great.
321
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,680
- You're running now?!
- Now?
322
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,640
- Yes!
- You can't run now. We've got beef.
323
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,400
- Can you move out of the way, please?
- Jonny!
324
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,160
Yes, he has gone insane.
325
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,240
Right. Ready, Pusface?
326
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:02,400
Wait.
327
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,560
- That's not...
- Oh, my God.
328
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,560
Horrible Grandma.
329
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,080
Happy birthday, Martin.
330
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,120
Balls!
331
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:16,840
Banning me from seeing my son
on his birthday...
332
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,800
I wasn't banning you, Cynthia.
333
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,440
My only son.
334
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,400
I don't think we got your card
this year, did we, Martin?
335
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,560
- Jackie.
- That's because I didn't send a card.
336
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:27,640
Fair enough.
337
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,720
Oh, I thought you were going
to give Martin a present then.
338
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,200
Bleeding hell, Jackie.
339
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,760
Why would I give Martin a present?
340
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,400
His birthday, perhaps?
341
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:38,960
But he's not a baby.
342
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,320
Um, that's not quite how birthdays work.
343
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,400
- Horrible...
- Grandma.
344
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,960
I stopped giving Martin presents years ago
when he was seven.
345
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,080
- Six.
- Yes, six.
346
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:52,880
I remember, because I just re-wrapped
the same present
347
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,520
I'd given him when he was five. (LAUGHS)
348
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,400
- Lovely.
- A whistle.
349
00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:00,800
- Lovely.
- Well, he wasn't to know, was he?
350
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,160
- Jackie, can we bloody eat now?
- All right!
351
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:04,280
I'm looking forward to the beef.
352
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,640
Oh, are you, Cynthia?
353
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:10,200
Well, it's about the only thing you make
that's edible.
354
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:13,760
Get rid of her?
How am I going to get rid of her?
355
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,400
Er, poison?
356
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,280
- Garrotting?
- Drowning in a bucket!
357
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:18,840
- Any of those will do.
- Idiots.
358
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,200
I really don't care
how you get rid of her, Martin -
359
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,080
you can take her to Mars
in your spaceship if you like.
360
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:24,840
Jackie, I don't have a spaceship!
361
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,840
Ju... OK.
362
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,880
Let's all just sit down,
eat our beef and...
363
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:34,600
Eat our beef?! I am not eating
my lovely beef with that...woman.
364
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,080
- But, Jackie.
- And instead of looking up
365
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:38,000
when your wife and kids drop dead,
366
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,400
why don't you look up
when your pig of a mother snuffs it?!
367
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:41,560
Er, yes, actually!
368
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,360
Who the hell do you think
I looked up first?!
369
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,560
- And?
- She lives to a shitting 100.
370
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,400
- Of course she does.
- What?!
371
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,280
OK, well,
if you're not going to get rid of her,
372
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,520
you can have your dinner with her.
373
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:53,760
Huh?
374
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:58,160
Jacqueline, are you going to feed me
tonight or what?
375
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,000
Oh, yes, Cynthia.
376
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,240
- And?
- Grim.
377
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,480
Really? How grim?
378
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,080
- Prison grim.
- Ooh, that is grim.
379
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,560
Well, he wanted a shitty birthday, so...
380
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,200
To Dad's shitty birthday!
381
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,480
ADAM AND MUM: Dad's shitty birthday!
382
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:25,520
Uh...
383
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:26,960
Er, no, you're not allowed in here!
384
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,440
What? Please don't send me back in there.
385
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,280
Martin, go and sit with your mother!
386
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,280
But, Jackie,
I can't take it in there any more.
387
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,720
Any more? You've been in there
for, like, two minutes.
388
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,720
What, that long?!
389
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:39,880
- Oh, hello, Mum.
- There's been a little accident.
390
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:42,560
It's all over them!
391
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:46,040
Yes, I don't know how it happened.
392
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:48,560
I must have just slipped
and somehow bumped into the bottle.
393
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,080
It's on the walls as well!
394
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,760
Yes, it is, isn't it?
395
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,000
And this wall?
396
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,080
You did this on purpose,
didn't you, Cynthia?
397
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,320
- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, God.
398
00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:02,160
You know, Cynthia, you come here
and you treat this place like crap.
399
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,720
Oh, do I, Jacqueline?
400
00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:05,320
Yes, you bloody do!
401
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,880
Well, maybe
that's because this place is crap.
402
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,520
- Er...
- This place is crap, is it?
403
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,280
Yes. Crap.
404
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,360
- And the food.
- Really?
405
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:20,240
I thought you liked my beef -
you said it was "edible".
406
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,520
Well, I was wrong.
407
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:22,560
It was inedible.
408
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,200
Sort of see that one coming.
409
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,760
And you know what else is crap?
410
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,120
No, do tell me.
411
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,600
Your family.
412
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:33,200
Your family is crap!
413
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,120
You'd better bloody say something
right now.
414
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,160
Er, Mum...
415
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,360
Have you finished your meal?
416
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,720
Oh, my God! My family's crap?!
417
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:45,520
Well, I've got news for you, Cynthia,
you're part of this crap family!
418
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,120
And don't I bloody know it?!
419
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:51,000
With my crap daughter-in-law
and her crap hair!
420
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:52,480
Crap hair?!
421
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,600
And those idiotic boys,
422
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,680
whose names I can barely
be bothered to remember.
423
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,400
- I'm Nicholas.
- And I'm Lawrence.
424
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,280
And your son? Eh, Cynthia?
425
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:03,880
What about your son? Your only son?
426
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:09,000
Well, he used to be bearable,
but then he met you.
427
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:15,760
Right!
428
00:17:16,839 --> 00:17:17,960
Martin.
429
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,119
I'm not taking this shit any more!
430
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:24,520
You, Cynthia Goodman,
are a terrible mother!
431
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,440
- Hooray!
- And a terrible human being!
432
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,840
- Hoorah!
- Oh, it's all coming out now!
433
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:34,520
Well, don't think I don't know
your secret name for me.
434
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:36,760
It's Horrible Grandma, isn't it?
435
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,480
Yup! It's Horrible Grandma!
436
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:40,240
Cos you're the most horrible grandma
in the world.
437
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:41,440
Er, universe.
438
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:42,240
- Multiverse.
- Huh?
439
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,120
Well, cos scientists think there could be
any number of universes out there.
440
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:49,280
- Yeah, maybe later.
- Well, since you all hate me so much...
441
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:50,200
And we do.
442
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,320
- You're going home and never coming back?
- No.
443
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:56,320
I'm going to stay right here,
and you'll never get rid of me!
444
00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:58,440
(GIGGLES)
445
00:17:58,480 --> 00:17:59,840
You're a pig!
446
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:01,280
Well, you would know!
447
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,120
(DOOR SLAMS)
448
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,120
Oh, my God.
449
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:07,360
What just happened?
450
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,680
More gin. More gin!
451
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:11,960
(GLASS SMASHES)
452
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,360
What the...?
453
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,000
Huh?
454
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,640
Oh, dear!
The shelves just fell off the wall!
455
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,760
OK, if that cow isn't out of
456
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,000
- this bloody house in two seconds...!
- I just told you
457
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,920
I'm not going anywhere!
458
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,880
Right, then, I'm getting out
of this bloody house!
459
00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:30,840
- Jackie...
- Boys, we're going for a run.
460
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,680
- What?!
- Mum?
461
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,480
- And Martin?
- Yes?
462
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,440
You're staying here
and guarding your lunatic of a mother.
463
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,040
Oh, shitting shit!
464
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:40,440
Careful you don't break
both your legs, Jacqueline.
465
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:41,320
(GROWLS)
466
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:42,920
- (GIGGLES)
- Come on!
467
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,760
- Best night ever?
- Possible!
468
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,040
Hello, all!
469
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,280
Oh, God. No, Jim, not now.
470
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:51,560
Sorry, Jackie, but I think
I left something in your house.
471
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,000
Well, you can get it tomorrow, OK?
Excuse me.
472
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,120
But I must have it now, Jackie. I must!
473
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:56,920
It's my hankie.
474
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,600
Your hankie.
475
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,200
My magic hankie.
476
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,760
I'm sure I left it in here somewhere.
477
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,560
- Please hurry up.
- Please!
478
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,840
I can't believe you made her tea.
479
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:08,920
(SPLUTTERS)
480
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,120
It's delicious.
481
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:14,200
Oh, here it is! Silly me.
482
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,640
It was in my pocket the whole time.
483
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:18,560
- (SNORTS)
- What is it?
484
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:19,920
It's my magic hankie.
485
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,840
Well, bye, all!
486
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,400
Er, goodbye, Jim.
487
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,080
Actually, Jim...
488
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,160
...how would you like to perform
some magic
489
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,440
for my wonderful mother-in-law?
490
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:43,480
Well, get on with it, you silly man!
491
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,120
Mrs Cynthia Goodman,
492
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,720
is your card
493
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,320
the ten of hearts?
494
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:56,040
I just told you, you idiot -
it's the queen of bloody spades!
495
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,080
Oh.
496
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,800
Such a difficult one, isn't it, Jim?
497
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:00,600
Yes, it's difficult, isn't it?
498
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,400
Perhaps you'd like to see me
make something
499
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,360
- disappear?
- I'd like to see you
500
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,880
make someone disappear.
501
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:12,520
Actually, why don't you make me disappear
from this stupid craphole?
502
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,880
Aw, how sweet.
503
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,120
Um, OK, then, Mrs Goodman.
504
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:20,000
- Perhaps I could borrow this towel?
- The magic towel?
505
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,680
The magic towel.
506
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,080
And so...
507
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:27,920
...I say the magic word...
508
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,200
...Abadababadababada...
509
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,320
...and she's gone!
510
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:40,120
Er, isn't she just
sort of behind the towel?
511
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:43,880
What? Oh, no, no,
she's definitely disappeared.
512
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,360
- Right.
- And now,
513
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,600
with the power of magic,
I will make her come back again.
514
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:49,960
Please don't.
515
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:54,200
Abadababadababada...
516
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,320
Cynthia?
517
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,200
As I said,
with such a massive heart attack,
518
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:03,760
she really wouldn't have felt a thing,
519
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,360
Mr Goodman -
all just very quick and painless.
520
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:08,760
A good way to go.
521
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,920
- Thanks, Doctor.
- Thank you.
522
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,480
Wow.
523
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:16,920
Yeah.
524
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:21,640
Again, Martin, I'm so sorry
that I killed your mother.
525
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,560
With my magic.
526
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,800
- Er, right, Jim.
- In a way,
527
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,240
I did sort of make her disappear.
528
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,360
- Goodbye, Jim.
- Come on, Milson.
529
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:31,760
Good girl.
530
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:36,720
Ooh, and Martin, here's that £20 back.
531
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,400
Buy yourself something nice
at the funeral.
532
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,080
- Er...
- Goodbye, Jim.
533
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,560
Well, she definitely didn't last to 100.
534
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:52,000
- Adam.
- It's all just so strange.
535
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,520
- What? Being murdered by magic?
- Jonny!
536
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:58,560
- And on my birthday, too.
- Yeah, your birthday.
537
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,320
What a birthday.
538
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,120
Oh, poor Dad.
539
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,720
Yeah.
540
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:11,680
I'm sorry, Dad.
541
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,160
(SOBS)
542
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:17,880
That's it, Martin. Aw, let it all out.
543
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,640
(SOBS TURN TO LAUGHTER)
544
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,480
- Er...
- It's just nerves.
545
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:30,920
Is it nerves?
546
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,120
It's not nerves!
547
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:38,080
(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)
38812
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