Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:37,440
Seriously, we're going to have
to tell 'em at some point.
2
00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:40,040
Er, no, we're going to have
to tell them at no point.
3
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:43,320
What? The first time we've ever
had girlfriends at the same time?
4
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:44,560
Do you know how happy Mum will be?
5
00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:46,600
Yes, the happiest she's ever been
in her entire life.
6
00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:48,200
- Exactly.
- And it will be hell.
7
00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:49,680
It won't be hell.
8
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,840
It will be hell, won't it?
9
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,680
- Total hell.
- Let's definitely not tell 'em.
10
00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,400
- (SNIFFS)
- What's that smell?
11
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:00,520
Sewers.
12
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,160
Oh. Um, thanks.
13
00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:05,319
You're welcome.
14
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:10,480
- Scared of the man?
- Petrified.
15
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:13,760
And there it is.
16
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:16,600
Dad's massive, stupid caravan.
17
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,800
It's absolutely disgusting.
18
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:21,560
- It's a dustbin on wheels.
- Dustbin on bricks.
19
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:22,840
Hello, bambinos.
20
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:23,920
- Hi.
- Hello, Dad.
21
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,000
Well, what do you think?
22
00:01:26,039 --> 00:01:28,280
Er, were you wearing a blindfold
when you bought that?
23
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,120
- What?
- Or were you just in a coma?
24
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,320
Pillock.
25
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:32,920
Why the hell did you buy a caravan?
26
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,160
I told you, I went in one
when I was a boy, and...
27
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:37,080
Whoa!
28
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:39,280
That's not dangerous.
29
00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:41,400
Yeah. Safety last, eh, Dad?
30
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:44,479
- Idiots. Well, come in, then.
- Really?
31
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:46,039
Say your prayers.
32
00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:47,080
Hmm.
33
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:49,600
Well?
34
00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:56,520
And if you thought
it looked nice on the outside...
35
00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:57,600
What a dump!
36
00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:59,759
What? It's fabulous.
37
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:00,960
Yeah, it's a fabulous shithole.
38
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,800
It's...not a shithole!
39
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,120
Now, listen, I need your help.
40
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,039
Psychological help, or...?
41
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:11,240
How am I going to get that mother
of yours to set foot in my caravan?
42
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,480
Er, have you tried chloroform?
43
00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:15,040
She hates this bloody thing.
44
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,000
And might that be because
you bought this shithole behind her back?
45
00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:18,520
It's not a shithole.
46
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:21,960
Well, OK, it needs a bit of work.
47
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,320
Or a bit of dynamite.
48
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:24,960
- So?
- So, what?
49
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:25,960
Are you going to help me, then?
50
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,680
What? Help you make Mum
like your horrible caravan?
51
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:29,920
- Yes.
- BOTH: No.
52
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,160
- Why not?
- Because it's a shithole.
53
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:33,360
Whoa!
54
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:34,360
Jesus!
55
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,960
- Yeah, that needs adjusting.
- You need adjusting.
56
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:38,840
- Goodbye.
- Now wait...
57
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,760
Now, how about we all have dinner
in here tonight?
58
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,760
- Sure, Dad. Sure.
- It'll be lovely.
59
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,920
All four of us, the whole family,
eating together.
60
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:47,960
Dying together.
61
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,200
Look, it's got everything. A kitchen.
62
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:50,800
- Hideous.
- A dining area.
63
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,280
- Hideous.
- Toilet.
64
00:02:55,079 --> 00:02:56,280
That's just terrifying.
65
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,800
OK, then, just look
at what I made for your mum.
66
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,000
JACKIE: Boys...
67
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:01,760
I thought you were in here.
68
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:02,800
- Hi, Mum.
- Hi.
69
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,320
Hello, my sweet, are you coming inside?
70
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,120
You know the answer, Martin. Boys...
71
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,800
But you haven't even given it a chance.
72
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,840
Come on, Jackie, you don't
know what you're missing.
73
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,360
Any number of diseases.
74
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:13,520
Ow!
75
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,600
OK, out of that shithole.
76
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:19,120
- Certainly.
- It's not a shithole!
77
00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:20,640
And make sure you wash your hands.
78
00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:22,120
What? They don't need to wash their hands.
79
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,880
Er, we do need to wash our hands.
80
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,400
Dinner's nearly ready.
Are you coming inside or what?
81
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,480
Well, actually, Jackie,
82
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,640
the boys said that they'd really
like to have dinner in the caravan.
83
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:32,079
Yes, that is exactly what we said.
84
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,440
Martin, for the 800th time,
we are not having dinner in your...
85
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,480
...murder van, all right?
86
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:38,640
All right. God.
87
00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:41,280
- See you, Dad.
- Yeah, enjoy your murdering!
88
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:42,480
(MUTTERS)
89
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,720
He wants us to have dinner in that?!
90
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:45,960
Certain death.
91
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,520
Can you believe
your stupid dad bought a caravan?
92
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,320
Not just any caravan. That caravan.
93
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,520
All week it's been festering in our drive.
94
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,640
Boys, where can we get
a crushing machine?
95
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,280
You know he wanted
to take me on holiday in that thing?
96
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:58,480
On holiday?
97
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,960
What? So you can both plummet
off a cliff?
98
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,520
Hands.
99
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,280
It's funny.
I haven't stepped inside it once yet,
100
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,360
and it's been sending him quite mad.
101
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:08,640
We hadn't noticed.
102
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:09,800
(TAP GURGLES)
103
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,240
What's with the water?
104
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,440
Oh, cos they've been
digging up the silly road.
105
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:14,680
Looking for Dad's victims?
106
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,360
Yes, I'm really enjoying
annoying your father at the moment.
107
00:04:19,399 --> 00:04:20,519
And long may it continue, Mother!
108
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,400
Hm, I'm really enjoying it.
109
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:29,480
Er, is that gin?
110
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:33,520
- Sorry. I must just go for a wee.
- Mum?
111
00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:35,840
She's drinking gin.
112
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:38,000
- That's what she drinks when she's...
- BOTH: ...depressed.
113
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,720
- We have to tell her our news.
- No way.
114
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,159
- Adam.
- Boys.
115
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,080
Oh, God, Dad, what are you doing?
116
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,800
- Shh. Where's your mother?
- What?
117
00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:47,360
- Where is she?
- Um, in the loo. What do you want?
118
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:49,360
Just gone in the loo?
Or been in there a while?
119
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,480
Does it matter?
120
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,400
Has your brain
fallen out of your head tonight?
121
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:53,720
Just answer the sodding question.
122
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:57,200
Um, she's been in the loo
for precisely 17 seconds.
123
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,040
Great.
124
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:02,120
- Right, this is the plan.
- The plan?
125
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,080
You take the soup,
you follow me out through the side door
126
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,360
all the way up to the caravan.
127
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,800
- What?
- Dinner in the caravan. Remember?
128
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,600
Erm, no, we don't remember.
129
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:10,840
No, we do remember.
130
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:14,080
We said we definitely do not want
to have dinner in your disgusting caravan.
131
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:17,760
God, then I'll have to get the bloody soup
myself, then, won't I? Thanks for nothing!
132
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,680
Martin? What are you doing with my soup?
133
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,440
Huh? Boys, quick.
134
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:26,120
You little git!
135
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,240
What are you doing?
136
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,360
Dad thinks he's in a prison movie
or something.
137
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:30,960
Were you stealing my soup?
138
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,680
- No.
- Yes, you were.
139
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,600
- Shut up!
- And have a guess where he was taking it.
140
00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:36,920
Right, I'm having that, thank you.
141
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,880
But, Jackie,
I've made it all nice in there.
142
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,840
You mean you've emptied
the chemical toilet?
143
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,120
Actually, I may need a hand
with that thing,
144
00:05:43,159 --> 00:05:45,320
cos the unit's jammed
and it's brimming with human waste.
145
00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:47,400
OK, maybe you shouldn't have dinner
with us tonight.
146
00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:48,920
- What?
- BOTH: Mum?
147
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:53,720
Shut up, boys. Yes, maybe
you should eat all on your own.
148
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,480
- But, Jackie...
- In your shithole.
149
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,760
MARTIN: It's not a shithole!
150
00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:01,600
Right, then. Dinner for three?
151
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,560
This is fun, isn't it,
the three of us having dinner?
152
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,320
Mummy and her boys.
153
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,400
Uh-huh.
154
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,200
What?
155
00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,920
Well, I mean, obviously this is great fun.
156
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:21,960
Great fun.
157
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,880
And not at all like we suddenly
don't have a dad any more.
158
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:24,880
Very good.
159
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,560
Even though we always set a place
for him at the table.
160
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,800
To remind us of the better times.
161
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,120
Thank you, boys.
162
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,800
- I hope he's all right in there.
- Poor Dad.
163
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,640
Poor Dad?
164
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:39,760
Right. We'll see if he's all right
in there, shall we?
165
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,040
Jackie to Martin.
166
00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:42,080
BOTH: What is that?
167
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:45,920
Your dad's stupid thing
for when he's in his stupid crapmobile.
168
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:49,360
Martin, it's Jackie.
Are you all right in there?
169
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,200
It's a good system.
170
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:56,560
Martin to Jackie.
How many times do I have to tell you?
171
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,640
It's, "Are you all right in there? Over."
172
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,520
He's all right in there.
173
00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,400
I'm sorry,
but it's been like this all week.
174
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:08,080
Every night he's had his dinner out there,
175
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:12,040
I've had my dinner in here.
It's been really...hard.
176
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,040
I've been really lonely.
177
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,240
- Adam's got a girlfriend.
- You shit!
178
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,000
- Ow!
- What?
179
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:26,440
- Jonny's got a girlfriend.
- Huh? You've both got girlfriends?
180
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:27,680
BOTH: Yes.
181
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,360
At the same time?
182
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,760
- BOTH: Yes.
- Oh, my God!
183
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,120
Thank you!
184
00:07:34,159 --> 00:07:35,159
Please.
185
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,480
- Thank you!
- Mum...
186
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,720
Oh, I'm so excited.
187
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:40,760
Martin? Uh!
188
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:44,800
Martin! Come inside right now.
189
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,280
- Something incredible's just happened!
- Seriously?
190
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:51,760
Oh! Boys, you don't know how happy
you've just made your mother.
191
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,040
We do.
192
00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:57,560
Martin to Jackie. It's, "Something
incredible's just happened. Over!"
193
00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,320
- God!
- Where are you going?
194
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,680
Martin, bloody come in here right now!
195
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,600
Mum! The neighbours!
196
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,000
Screw the neighbours!
197
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:09,840
Oh, we are going to celebrate tonight!
198
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,520
- Are we?
- And I am going to hear everything...
199
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,040
...about everything.
200
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,400
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Coming!
201
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,080
Right, stay there. Stay there.
202
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,960
Oooh! Two weddings!
203
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,120
- Hell.
- Total.
204
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,560
(CHUCKLES AND HUMS JOLLY TUNE)
205
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:27,720
Martin, the boys have...
206
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:30,280
- Hello, Jackie.
- Oh, it's you.
207
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:33,280
The boys have what, Jackie? Cholera?
208
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:37,240
Sorry? Um, terrible time, Jim.
What do you want? Martin!
209
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:42,159
No, I just wanted you to know
that I've finally come up with a name.
210
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,120
- A name?
- Yes, Jackie.
211
00:08:44,159 --> 00:08:46,240
Well, I couldn't keep calling her Wilson,
212
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:50,000
so I've come up with
a completely different name for her.
213
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,240
Oh, right.
214
00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:56,280
And what is it?
215
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,720
Milson.
216
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,560
- Milson?
- Milson.
217
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:02,320
(WHINES)
218
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,320
- Hi, Jim.
- Hello, boys.
219
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,440
Um, Jim's got a completely new name
for his dog.
220
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,040
It's Milson.
221
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,440
Well, that is a completely new name.
222
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:14,720
Right, well, erm, thank you, Jim.
Martin!
223
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:20,440
Also, I wondered if you'd noticed
a strange sort of eggy smell outside?
224
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,840
- Eggy smell?
- Yes. Very eggy.
225
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:24,920
Oh, yeah, well,
that'll just be the water people.
226
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:28,160
The water people? Where?
227
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:32,200
Um, in the road, Jim.
You know, the people doing the sewers?
228
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,880
The sewers.
229
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,000
- So I'm allowed in now, am I?
- Oh!
230
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:40,120
Been in your special little house,
have you, Martin?
231
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,840
What? Oh, that's right.
232
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,600
I've always wanted to go in one of those.
233
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:45,880
Well, you're welcome any time, Jim.
234
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:47,920
- Am I?
- Stupid bumhole.
235
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,400
- So is that all, Jim?
- Yes, of course, Jackie.
236
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,360
Bye, all.
237
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:55,040
Come on...Milson.
238
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:56,440
Good girl.
239
00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:57,720
(MILSON WHINES)
240
00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,560
JACKIE: Um, goodbye, Jim.
241
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,320
Goodnight.
242
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,760
- My God.
- Milson?
243
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,560
Martin, the boys have
some incredible news.
244
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:10,840
Go on, tell your dad.
245
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:12,640
Adam's got three weeks to live.
246
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,600
- Ow.
- That is a horrible thing to say!
247
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,120
Three weeks?
Can't he make it three days?
248
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,760
Argh, Jackie!
249
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,800
God! Both the boys have got girlfriends!
250
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:23,240
- Really?
- (SQUEALS)
251
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,040
These two buggers have both got females?
252
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,880
- Uhhh.
- Yeah, Dad, we've both got females.
253
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,600
Isn't it amazing? Ooh, what are
their names? What are their names?
254
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:33,920
BOTH: Lucy.
255
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,680
- Sorry?
- They're both called Lucy.
256
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,120
Both of your girlfriends are called Lucy?
257
00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,120
- Yeah, it's quite annoying actually.
- Very annoying.
258
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:42,680
OK, well, we'll call your Lucy "Lucy One"
and your Lucy "Lucy Two".
259
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,120
- Great idea, Mum.
- Er, why's my girlfriend number two?
260
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,440
Cos she's second best, obviously.
261
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:47,640
Ow!
262
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,640
Well, aren't you going
to say anything, Martin?
263
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:52,280
What? Oh, yes... Er... Well done.
264
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,880
"Well done"?
265
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,640
Both your sons have got girlfriends
and that's all you can say?
266
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,600
- It's OK, Mum.
- It's not OK.
267
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,000
Do you know how many years
I've been waiting for this bloody moment?
268
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,440
You're supposed to be their father.
Say something proper to your sons.
269
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:07,160
OK. Er, boys...
270
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,560
BOTH: Yes?
271
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,480
Always wear a sheath.
272
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:18,560
Ah, your girlfriends sound so nice.
273
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,680
Yes, please ask lots more questions
about them.
274
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,200
Like another 100,000.
275
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,760
- Stop it.
- Can we have the rest of our dinner now?
276
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,400
Come on. Photos.
277
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:27,920
- Photos?
- Really?
278
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,960
- Come on.
- Uhhh.
279
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,480
Oh, lovely hair!
280
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:34,480
Yup.
281
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,320
Oh, lovely smile!
282
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,160
- Mine's definitely the fittest.
- The shittest.
283
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,920
- Dad?
- Pissface.
284
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,400
Who do you think's the fittest?
285
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,160
Oh, how can you say such a thing?
286
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,480
The fittest? How would I know?
287
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,760
Have you tried racing them
against each other?
288
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,920
Huh?
289
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,920
(SLURPS)
290
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,320
Fantastic celebration.
291
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:57,680
Well, if you really want to celebrate,
why don't we all go in my caravan?
292
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,120
Or why don't we not?
293
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:00,600
In fact, if you and your ladies
294
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,320
ever want to use the caravan
for a bit of, you know...
295
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,080
..."ar-ar-ar-ah, ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ah"...
296
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,280
- Oh, my God.
- ...just ask.
297
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,000
- You're revolting. You know that?
- Oh, yes.
298
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,320
Hm. (SLURPS)
299
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:14,360
Right, go in there
300
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,800
and take the chicken
into the dining room, will you?
301
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,520
Ar-ar-ar-ah, ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ah.
302
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,600
OK. Nazi interrogation over?
303
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:23,880
All right.
304
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,720
Yes! Bring on the chicken.
305
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:26,960
- Chicken time!
- Kwkk!
306
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,400
Oh, I can't wait to meet
your lovely girls!
307
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,480
- Sorry?
- Huh?
308
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,360
Well, you want them
to meet Mummy, don't you?
309
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,000
Right.
310
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,560
Thank you for ruining my celebration.
311
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,840
Your celebration?
312
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,600
OK, obviously Mum and Dad
are never meeting our girlfriends.
313
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,640
Obviously.
314
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,440
JACKIE: Boys? Boys!
315
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,920
- Mum?
- What's happened?
316
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,720
He's taken the chicken!
317
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,040
Give me back my chicken!
318
00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:59,400
This is ridiculous.
319
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:00,840
Piss off!
320
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,640
How's he got his top off already?
321
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:06,160
Martin, come out with the chicken
this second!
322
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,240
It's, "Martin, come out
with the chicken this second. Over."
323
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,520
How many bleeding times?
324
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,880
Jonny!
325
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,160
- Bloody sods!
- Give us the chicken! Now!
326
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,600
- Get off!
- Dad!
327
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,320
OK, you can have the chicken.
328
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:23,560
You can all have the chicken...
if you eat it in here.
329
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:24,840
What?
330
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:28,720
Your mum thinks it's so horrible
in my caravan, does she?
331
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,880
Well, just wait till she sees
what I've done for her.
332
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,120
There.
333
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,160
See that?
334
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,760
"Martin & Jackie."
335
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,400
Yes, very nice, Dad.
336
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:39,760
Can we have the chicken now?
337
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,040
And if I press this button...
338
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:43,360
(ALL SCREAM)
339
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:44,880
Now!
340
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,120
- Sorry, Dad.
- Oi!
341
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,120
I've got the chicken!
I've got the chicken!
342
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,800
Quickly! (SQUEALS)
343
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,400
Give it back, you bastards!
344
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,880
Oh! Bobbles! My heroes.
345
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,840
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Give me that chicken!
346
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,240
Go away!
347
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,400
He needs locking up.
348
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:03,880
Right.
349
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,760
Oh, no... The side door.
350
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,240
(CRASH)
351
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,120
- Wait.
- Huh?
352
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,120
(GRUNTING)
353
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:16,160
- Ah, of course.
- Hello, Martin.
354
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,440
Well, help me, then.
355
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:21,040
Certainly, darling. Let me just move
this nice soft chair out of your way.
356
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,920
Jackie, help me, for God's sake!
357
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,760
Uh, don't you mean,
"Help me, for God's sake. Over"?
358
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,920
- Why don't you sit down, boys?
- Thank you, Mother.
359
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,200
You bloody, bleeding...!
360
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,560
Ow...
361
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:32,960
(THUD)
362
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,080
(MARTIN GROANS)
363
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,680
Argh. I think I've broken my skull.
364
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,800
You are getting scraps tonight.
Do you hear me? Scraps!
365
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:41,720
Yes.
366
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:44,720
Our poor girlfriends, missing all this!
367
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,880
- Hello, all.
- (ALL EXCLAIM)
368
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:50,760
Jim?
369
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,360
Completely flooded?
370
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,360
Yes, Jackie,
371
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:57,000
my house is completely
flooded with...
372
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:58,760
What's the word?
373
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,880
Er, water?
Excrement.
374
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,320
- Excrement?
- Excrement?
375
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:06,640
Apparently, a sewerage pipe
got redirected into my house.
376
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,080
Th-That's why my shoes are all...
377
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:11,680
Er, ooh...
378
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,480
Uh...
379
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,240
And then the water people
told me I had to leave
380
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:19,400
while they try to fix it.
Now I've got nowhere to go.
381
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,440
Oh, God.
382
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,080
Sorry, Jim,
we'd love to invite you in,
383
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,960
but we're sort of celebrating tonight.
384
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,280
No more cholera?
385
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:28,200
- What?!
- Sorry?
386
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:32,120
Um, it's all right, Jackie.
I wasn't going to ask if I could come in.
387
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,200
- Good.
- Oh.
388
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,440
No, I just wondered
389
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:39,840
if maybe I could have
a little piece of chicken to eat.
390
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:41,760
Er, OK.
391
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,480
And maybe if I could have it in the...
392
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,400
...special little house.
393
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:56,560
Oof.
394
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,400
Nice bone and gristle, Martin?
395
00:15:58,440 --> 00:15:59,520
Ooh.
396
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,480
Jim to Martin on the talkie-walkie.
Over.
397
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:03,360
Not again.
398
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,120
Definitely going to be like this
all night.
399
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,160
Martin reading. Over.
400
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,120
Um, where's the mustard? Over.
401
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:12,640
The man's driving me bloody mad.
402
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,560
Ah, is he?
403
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:16,880
Martin to Jim.
404
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:20,080
The mustard's in the little drawer
on the right. Over.
405
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:23,280
Thank you, Martin. Over and out.
406
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,760
Well, at least he follows
the correct communications procedure.
407
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,680
On the talkie-walkie.
408
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,840
Jim to Martin on the talkie-walkie.
409
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,160
Bleeding hell.
410
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:33,800
Martin reading. Over.
411
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:37,400
Do you have anything
that looks and tastes like a lemon,
412
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:40,040
but isn't a lemon? Over.
413
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,840
Oh, turn the wretched thing off, will you?
414
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,040
Do your lady friends like caravans?
415
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,520
Do they like caravans?
416
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,480
Martin, our sons announce
that they've both got girlfriends,
417
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:51,920
and that's the first thing
you want to ask?
418
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,680
Er, sorry, Dad. I don't actually know
if my girlfriend likes caravans.
419
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,480
Yeah, funny. I don't really know either.
420
00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,440
You don't know if they like caravans?
421
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:01,760
What the hell do you talk about?
422
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,600
Not caravans, I hope.
423
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:06,640
I mean, I can ask, if you'd like me to.
424
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:07,800
I would, actually.
425
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,839
Do you like caravans?
426
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:18,319
I'll ask as well. Just texting
Lucy One, the best Lucy.
427
00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:20,760
So when am I going to bloody meet them?
428
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,839
- 100 years?
- 1,000 years?
429
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:24,000
1,000 years.
430
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,280
- Boys...
- (PHONE DINGS)
431
00:17:26,319 --> 00:17:30,240
OK. She says,
"What do you mean, caravans?"
432
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:31,320
- (PHONE VIBRATES)
- Oh!
433
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,960
"Caravans? What do you mean?"
434
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,040
- They've never heard of caravans?
- (PHONE RINGS)
435
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:37,840
Oh!
436
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,040
Hi. No, sorry, it was just my stupid dad.
437
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,720
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh. Sorry, babe.
438
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:46,200
My stupid, stupid dad
just wanted to know. Yeah, right...
439
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,360
- It's the girls!
- (BOTH BOYS TALK)
440
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,320
Oh, let me say hello to them.
441
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,960
- Mum, get off!
- Oh, please.
442
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,880
- God, Mum!
- Mum!
443
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:55,680
- Adam.
- Leave me alone!
444
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,160
Adam! Oh, Adam!
445
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,720
- Sorry, Luce, she's mad.
- Crazy.
446
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,200
- Get off!
- Just go away!
447
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:01,880
- Right.
- But I want to speak to them!
448
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:03,560
Mum!
449
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,080
- Give me your phones!
- Get off, you lunatic!
450
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,080
Give me your phones!
451
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:07,880
- Get in there!
- In there!
452
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,960
- Wait, no... Boys!
- Just get in there!
453
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,400
Horrible!
454
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:12,880
She's insane!
455
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,200
It's not fair.
456
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,200
So, do they like caravans?
457
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:21,760
- Sorry, Luce, she's mad.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
458
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,320
- I know, crazy.
- Yeah, see you later.
459
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:24,920
- Anyway, bye.
- Absolutely insane.
460
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,000
Absolutely insane.
461
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,320
Ugh!
462
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,680
- Insane!
- Insane.
463
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,880
- Thank you so much for that.
- Yes, thanks, Mum.
464
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:34,920
Horrible boys.
465
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,080
- Hello, all.
- Oh, yeah, Jim's here.
466
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,240
What are you bloody doing?
467
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:44,760
Um, I've been told by the water people
that I can go back home now.
468
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,040
Oh, right. Really?
469
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,440
There's still excrement everywhere,
470
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:52,000
but there's not quite so much excrement
everywhere as before.
471
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:53,280
Lovely.
472
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:55,600
Ugh, what is that smell?
473
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:57,400
Close the window, will you?
474
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,840
Oh, and, Martin, I noticed the loo
475
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:03,760
in your caravan was all blocked up,
so I...
476
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,360
(MILSON WHINES)
477
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:09,240
Remain. So I, um...
478
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:16,600
...I managed
to get the waste unit out for you.
479
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,560
My God!
480
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,560
Ugh! Jim! Don't leave it there!
481
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:24,040
Thanks, Jim.
Maybe take that back outside again?
482
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,320
Yes, but slowly!
483
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,760
Yes, of course, slowly,
cos it is rather full.
484
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,080
(MILSON BARKS)
485
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:32,880
(ALL SCREAM)
486
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,280
Great! Now our house
is flooded with excrement!
487
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,200
My lovely dining room!
488
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:42,240
- Oh, I think I'm going to be sick!
- Oh, Martin, get a mop!
489
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:43,960
What?! I'm not walking through that...!
490
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,160
- Sea of shit?
- Adam!
491
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:47,720
- We'll have to go through the window.
- The window?
492
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,840
- Come on.
- Oh, my God!
493
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,040
No, no, Milson.
494
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:54,920
You've had your supper.
495
00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,920
Hold me, Jackie. Never let go.
496
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,800
Yes, all right, Jim.
497
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:04,200
I-I really am so sorry
498
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:08,280
for spilling all that...
well, you know.
499
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:11,080
- Yes, Jim.
- All I can say
500
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:14,040
is that at least it's your own.
501
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,600
And a little bit of mine. Bye, all!
502
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:20,920
Thanks, Jim.
503
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,360
So, what do we do now?
504
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,600
- Just go back in the house.
- Really?
505
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,000
OK, we're not going
back in the house.
506
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,120
(CLEARS THROAT)
507
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:38,440
£500?
508
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:43,080
I know it's Friday night, but 500 quid
to come and clean up some mess?
509
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:44,880
Have you told them it's shit?
It's actual shit?
510
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:45,840
Just shut up.
511
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,920
Er, OK, two hours.
512
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,320
But please hurry.
513
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:53,040
Oh! Terrific.
514
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:57,120
Well, Martin, you've finally got your
dinner in your caravan. Are you happy now?
515
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,640
Yes. Very. Hm.
516
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:00,760
Actually, it's not so bad in here.
517
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,440
- See?
- Yeah, it's all right, really.
518
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,760
It was meant to be a celebration,
a family celebration.
519
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,800
- It is a family celebration.
- Is it?
520
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,920
- Dad?
- What?
521
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,640
Your thing.
522
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:14,960
- What thing?
- Oh, yeah.
523
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,680
Jackie, look.
I got this made especially for you.
524
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,440
"Martin & Jackie."
525
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,120
You got that made for me?
526
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,720
And if I just press this little button...
527
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:29,920
Careful, Dad.
528
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,520
There.
529
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,520
Oh, Martin!
530
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,160
"Martin & Ackie."
531
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,480
Shut up.
532
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,080
Bloody bulbs.
533
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,240
Thanks, sweetheart.
534
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:48,600
- (JACKIE GIGGLES)
- Okey dokey!
535
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,680
Anyone for a grotty butter sandwich? Over.
536
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,880
Er, piss off. Over.
537
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,800
You silly sods.
538
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,840
Right, let's get this bloody thing sorted.
539
00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,640
Er...
540
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,520
(ALL SCREAM)
541
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:02,800
Stop!
542
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,320
(CRASHING)
543
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,000
Oh, my God!
544
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:11,000
(GASPS)
545
00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:14,200
My caravan. My beautiful caravan!
546
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,640
Just look at it, Jackie! It's a wreck!
547
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:17,920
Oh, Dad.
548
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,280
Aw!
549
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:20,360
(ELECTRICAL FIZZING)
550
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,560
Martin!
551
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:26,400
Look.
552
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,760
(GASPS)
553
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,280
We can get this thing fixed, you know.
554
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:34,800
What?
555
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:35,880
We can, we will.
556
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,960
- We'll get it fixed, I promise.
- Really?
557
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,120
- BOTH: Really?
- (TUTS) Yes, darling.
558
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,360
Come on, let's wait in the car.
559
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,760
We'll order a pizza, yeah?
560
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,600
- Pizza!
- Skill!
561
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:49,840
MARTIN: Yeah, come on, then. Pizza.
562
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,920
Jonny to Dad. Over.
563
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:56,600
Roger, Jonny. Go ahead.
564
00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:59,160
Your caravan's on fire. Over.
565
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:06,280
Shit on it. Over.
40123
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.