All language subtitles for nutcrackers.2024.1080p.web

Hurry up!

Come on! Keep up!

He's sleeping. Shh!

- Woo!
- Full power!

Hey.
What in the hell?

Oh, Jesus.

Come on!

Hey! I know you!

You're the Kicklighter kids!

Get back here! I see you!

Get outta here!
And don't come back!

- See ya later!
- Yeah, later, dude.

Carol, hello?
Carol, you there?

Carol, can you hear me?

I can hear you.

I just lost you a second.

Cell service sucks around here.

It's just all mud and barns
and mud, you'd love it.

I don't have time
for a traffic report, Michael.

I called you because
you're not at the office

and you have a lot of work
that needs to be

on my desk by tomorrow morning.

I know, I need the weekend to finish it.
I need 'til Monday, okay?

I let Barbara know before I left.

I told her, and then I sent
a follow-up text.

- She didn't tell you?
- It's three weeks 'til Christmas.

Think of your bonus.

You picked a bad time
to leave Chicago.

It's a family emergency.
I didn't pick it, alright?

You're not their guardian.
What are you even doing there?

I just gotta sign some documents

and tie up some loose ends
on her estate or whatever.

The presentation is next week.

This is a big deal for the company.

If I need to find someone else
to do your work, I will. Got it?

Carol, I got it, okay?
I'm gonna kick some butt.

It's being done.
You won't even know I'm gone.

I said you won't even...

Hello?

I can't... No, no. Now you're...
I can't hear you, alright.

Won't even know I'm gone.

Come on. Dude.

Ugh!

Where have you been?

Hey. Julia, right?

We said noon, it's almost three.

Yeah, no, I know.
It said it was a five-hour drive,

then it took two hours
just to get outta Chicago.

It was a nightmare.

We know each other.
'Member, from my sister's wedding?

We all went to the boathouse after...

and then...

- ...the
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I remember.

Yeah, it's a positive, good thing.

It's fine, whatever.
Look, my flight is in less than two hours.

- Hope I can make it.
- Nice to see you.

- Wow, um...
- Yeah, yeah.

I don't think she expected to be
sleeping on a couch for a month.

- Yeah, just been crazy at work.
- I'm Gretchen Rice.

I'm with Family Services.

Okay. Oh, yeah.
You're Gretchen, from the email.

Yeah, I got that,
and, uh, I talked to that attorney.

- How can I help?
- Just look after them,

until I can find them a foster home.

I thought you found a foster home.
You said that you...

I was supposed to just come here
for the, um... to sign

the-the-the handoff.

Yeah, that family didn't pass
the background check,

so we're back to square one.

- Okay, so what does that mean?
- That means that you're in charge.

- I'm not...
- They are homeschooled,

so there's a state-mandated curriculum

that you're gonna have to abide by.

Get out!

Oh, boys were trying to give
the peacock a bubble bath.

I had to lay down the hammer.

- Who's this, the guardian?
- Uh, the what? No. Who?

You belong to the Kicklighter boys?

I... No. "Belong" is...
I don't think that's the right term...

Yeah, well, those delinquents,

they hot-wired
a carnival ride the other night.

Chewed up the whole drive mechanism.

$1,200 worth of damages,

plus 75 bucks worth
of fried Oreos and Twinkies.

I'm sorry, you want me to pay for this?

Also, the, uh, rent on your sister's
dance studio is past due.

So, you need to either settle that up
or vacate the premises, rickety-tick.

Janet had a dance studio?

Yeah, the, uh, the old school house.

- It's, uh, right around the corner.
- Oh.

Good day to you, ma'am.

Ah, I like the yellow Ferrari.

I'm sorry.
I'm really confused.

I mean, just 'cause I have
to be in Chicago on Monday.

I'm sorry, I just...
there's something that I...

I mean, maybe Tuesday morning,

but it's really something I can't move.

There is one family I'm looking at,

but I won't know anything until tomorrow.

Okay, great. Well, just call me
as soon as you hear anything.

Alright? 'Cause...

You know, there's no
cell phone service here or Wi-Fi,

so you are gonna
have to come to the office.

The address is on card.

And in the meantime, I'll give you this.
This may be helpful.

- Oh, no. No.
- Yeah.

Uh...

I'm sorry to meet you
under these circumstances.

Hi.

Jesus.

Hello?! Children!
It's your Uncle Michael!

Whoa.

Hey!

Hello?!

Oh, hello.

How ya doin'?
Wanna come down?

Doesn't look too safe up there.

Hi! Hey! Guys!

A-ha! There they are.

Hey, dudes.

I'm Michael.
'Member me?

Your Uncle Michael?
Your mom's big brother.

Been a while.

Oh, okay.

Let's see.
Justice, right?

And is that Junior in there?

And you two, I haven't met.

Do you guys speak at all?

Okay, right.
Anyway...

I hope you, uh, got that Eternal Peace
edible arrangement I sent.

Yeah, I'm really sorry.

Your mom, Janet, she was...

a very special lady.

And Steve, too,
he was... he was also loved.

But I'm here now, in Ohio,
to, uh, look after you for the weekend,

get you guys hooked up with a family.

So, in the meantime, I'm gonna be, uh...

I gotta get the final numbers plugged in

for the presentation
for the pitch I have next week.

So, uh...

so, yeah, if you need anything at all,
you guys let me know, alright?

I love this.
This is great.

Good to see you, man.

Think fast.

Okay, ha-ha.

S... Hey!

Oww!

Ow!

Ha-ha... ha-ha.

So funny I forgot to laugh.

Maybe when I come up for air,
we can go to the store

and I can get a few, uh...
something nutritional.

Like, from actual food groups.

Somebody likes ketchup.

"What's your story, Uncle Michael?"

Oh, thanks for asking.

Well, I live in Chicago.

Got a nice two and two
on the 14th floor,

looking over Lake Michigan,
beautiful view.

Chaka Khan lives right below me.

You guys know who Chaka Khan is?

♪ Chaka Khan, let me rock you ♪

♪ Let me rock you, Chaka Khan ♪

"Oh, yeah! That Chaka Khan, yeah.
Yeah. Does Rufus live there too?"

Well, no, actually,
Rufus isn't a person.

That's the name
of the band she started with,

but, uh, I thought that too.

I'm senior development manager
for the Millican Group.

The Millican Group is one
of the top five commercial

real estate developers
in the Midwest.

We're one of two finalists chasing the RFP

on the redevelopment
of a railroad switching yard

north of Lincoln Park.

"Wow, that sounds like
a pretty bold and risky venture.

"I mean, considering
the current economic climate

"and, you know,
skyrocketing interest rates

and fluctuating property values."

Oh, yeah, definitely,
but gotta be in it to win it, right?

We're about to make
our final presentation

to the Office of Planning and Development.

And rumor has it that, uh,

the mayor might be sitting in, so...

- Fart smeller says what?
- Wh-What?

- I farted.
- He farted.

Farted, ugh. Come on.

- Okay.
- A little piece of poop.

- It stinks.
- Ew, okay, no, no, no.

Don't say that at the table.
Alright, that's...

Okay. Alright.

Okay, you know what?
That's... it's not cool.

You don't do that at the table.

'Kay, do you know manners?

Huh? Did your parents
ever teach you manners?

Could you stop throwin'
those little things?

What are you throwing?

Obviously, you all talk, okay?
And you like to fart. Ow!

- Bullseye.
- You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna clear out the stinks, okay?

And then you guys can take a second
to deal with your spilt milk

and think about why
you're being such little brats.

You're not even a real uncle.

Yeah, well, that's what the email said.

I guess what mom
said about you is true, then.

What'd she say?

What did she say about me?

She said that you were incapable of love.

That's stupid.

'Night, Mike.

It's Michael.

Oh, hello.

Mm.

Hey, I'm in here!

Oh... wow.

What's goin' on in here?
Little party in the pantry?

None of your business.

Mm-hm.

- Homework?
- No, a letter.

Ooh, love letter?

Got a crush?

Maybe.

Girlfriend, or...?

Okay.

'Night.

- Hey, Mike?
- Yeah?

When I wake up tomorrow,
you still gonna be here?

Should be,
if you play your cards right.

And it's Michael.

Shh.

Now, come on.

Oh! Ah!

Help!

Hello?!

Alright, hey, you know what?
You guys should go outside, right?

Come on. Come on outside.
You guys are... outside animals, right?

Okay.

Woo-hoo!

We got it, Samuel!

Yeah!

This is awesome!

Keep going!

Get the hell out of that car now!

Kid, get outta that car!

Hey! Get out!

That's an expensive...

Stop! What are you doing?

I wanna jump the pool.
The swimming pool!

We built a ramp and everything.

I mean, we do it all the time
on our bikes and it's awesome.

We even put the trampoline there
to soften the landing.

You're talking like that
could actually happen.

This car cannot go over that wagon
and jump over that... tub.

It's a physical impossibility.

It is! I'm sorry, come on.
Get outta the car.

- Gimme the keys.
- Do you think I look cool?

Yeah, you look great.
Hey, Mr. Attitude,

you do not touch the Porsche ever, okay?

You wanna do donuts
and build ramps and swimming pools,

do it with something your own size.

What the hell is that music
you have in there?

I like that song.

It's whatever.
It's, it's, it's music.

It's like party music,
like a party in a car.

- Yeah...
- Party music!

Alright, well, you know what?

We all have our things, okay? Alright?
I like to rock out in my car.

You like to sleep in the pantry.

- I like party music.
- Yeah?

Yeah, and I like to rock out.

Cool, thank you.

Okay, you know what?
I gotta make a very important

grown-up phone call here
and I need cell phone reception.

And I... Where's the nearest
cell phone reception?

- Cell reception?
- Cell recept... cell reception.

You're in the sticks, homie!

- What?!
- You go that way about 10 miles.

Ten miles?

Ten miles to the tree
that looks like a rocket.

You turn there, go one or two miles
past where the Reddens used to live.

Then you go down
that one long dirt road,

and then when you see a bunch of cows,
then you'll have reception.

Or you could try over there by the pond.

Oh, by the pond. Oh.
Okay. So, alright, so that's...

You're just totally messing with me then.

If you go halfway, you can get two bars.

You get service in the middle
of the pond? Seriously?

So, how am I supposed to...

The canoe is filled with ice and sludge.

This one has a hole in it.

This one works.

Are you getting anything?!

No, nothing!
What?

How 'bout now?

He's gonna fall and drown.

Be careful of water moccasins!

Really?!
There's snakes in here?!

It's 400 feet deep!

Oh, wait a minute!
I got something, I got something!

You got it, right?!

You look like a dummy!

I got it! I got it, I got a bar!
I got... Ah!

Ooh! Ooh!

You're an idiot!

Okay, tricksters. Okay, you win.

Woo! I surrender.

But Uncle Michael's not happy about it.

Still have to make this call,
so I'm just gonna find the tree

that looks like a rocket.

And, uh, turn where
the Reddens used to live.

And, uh, look for some cows.

Try not to burn the place down
while I'm gone, okay?

Or you know what?
Do burn it down, I don't care.

Do what you want, big deal.
Smell ya later.

Hey, Barb, it's Michael.
She's expecting me.

Um, she's
already stepped into her 10 o'clock.

Okay, well, can you let her know
I have an update for her?

Okay, an update?

Yeah, I made
the preliminary cost analysis,

but I wanna add some issues
from the site inspection

when I get the surveys,

if I get the surveys.

She's not in with Devin, is she?

I know. Ugh. He just went in there.

Disgusting.

Oh, no. Okay.
You have to do me a favor.

Barb, I need you to walk into the meeting

and give my numbers directly to Carol.

Just don't let Devin see them, alright?

The net operating income
after the debt service

should be $7,256,113.

Just put it in her hands, alright?
Thank you.

Hey, hi.

Sorry, just, uh, work stuff,
but it's, it's done.

- Can I get ya a coffee or anything?
- Uh, no, I'm okay.

Yeah, just in the last 24 hours,

I had a snake jump out
at me from a toilet,

I woke up in bed
with some sort of rodent,

and, uh, I, uh, almost froze to death
when I fell into this freezing pond,

- so, yeah, it's just been, been a lot.
- Yeah, they're grieving kids.

They've been through a lot.

So, how are we doin'?

I wish I had better news,

but the family that we hoped
to put the boys with...

they fell through.

Okay, well, did they sign
a letter of intent?

'Cause those can sometimes
hold up in court.

With Christmas in three weeks,
we have very limited options.

Okay, well, maybe I can, uh, rent a van
and run 'em up to Chicago.

You know, where places like this
might have a little more staff,

a little more horsepower,
be able to cast a wider net.

Okay, but don't forget, they have
a lot of animals to take care of.

- It's a working farm.
- Yeah...

Okay, well, this might be hard
for you to appreciate,

but I am in the middle of a deal
that I've been working on for six years.

Okay? And I have 'til
the end of the month

to get the city's approval
and to line up the capital stack.

And I've got this dumbass young executive,
this guy, Dogface Devin,

who is basically trying to snake
my job out from under me.

And if I don't get back
in the next couple of days,

he actually might do it,
so it's just...

I'm dealing with a lot right now.

- Dogface?
- I just... I call him "Dogface"

'cause he does this, like,
poor little Basset Hound, "poor me" thing,

but he actually is...
I mean, he's got like...

he's got, like, dead eyes,
you know, when you look at him.

He's just, like, like, dead eyes.
Like, there's nothing behind 'em.

Like, a very scary way.

Okay... let's just look
at the bigger picture here.

There are more lives
at stake here than just yours.

We're talking about four little kids
who lost their parents.

- Yeah, I know, and I lost my sister, okay?
- Yes, you're right.

- Yeah.
- I know.

Why don't we just both...
take a deep breath?

Okay.

'Kay.

- I'm breathing.
- Yeah, we're gonna figure it out.

One for you, one for me.

- You gotta put your card...
- No, we have to put 10 cards.

No, the Jack, the Jack wins that.

Oh! No.

Hey, guys! He's coming. He's coming.

- Be cool.
- He's coming!

- Hey! Ah!
- Hey, stop!

What?

He's gonna do a triple front flip.

Alright, I just don't want him
to hurt himself, alright?

Well, look who's back.

You guys are good?
You held down the fort, huh?

- We want chicken.
- We're hungry.

We want chicken.

Chicken, good. Yeah, protein.

- Alright, yeah, I like that.
- Chicken.

I don't think you have any.

You won't find any in the fridge.

Ugh!

They want fresh chicken.

- They're out in the pen.
- In the coop.

Oh, no, we're not gonna...
do fresh chicken.

- I mean, I don't know how to...
- It's easy!

You just have to cut off the head.

- I will... I'm a great cook.
- Yeah, Junior's a great cook,

- he could take care of it.
- Yeah.

Yeah. I just...
I've never butchered a chicken.

I've never killed an animal.

Even that crazy lady did it.

- The what?
- Red hair.

The one that was watchin' us,

even she knew how
to harvest a chicken.

- She killed a chicken?
- Yeah.

The one that looked
like a proboscis monkey.

Julia? She killed a chicken?

- She had caterpillar eyelashes.
- Really weird.

She's... well, she's, you know,
got her own vibe.

She just took a big axe
and she was like...

It was running around
all crazy-like with its head off.

- It was like this.
- Chop, chop!

I find that hard to believe
that she actually killed a chicken.

Hungry!

- You're not a real man.
- I am a... Yes, I'm a man.

A real man would kill the chicken for us.

- Okay, guys...
- You're a businessman.

Okay, okay.

- Just break the neck!
- Pluck it.

- Yeah, break its neck.
- Rip its guts out.

Cut its legs off!

Pluck it, cook it, put it in a pot.

Yummy.

You guys know how to do all the...

- Dirty work?
- Just do it.

- Do it! Do it!
- ...cleaning part and everything?

Pluck it, cook it, put it in a pot.

Pluck it, cook it, put it in a pot.

Pluck it, cook it, put it in a pot.

- Pluck it, cook it, put it in a pot.
- Take the guts out!

Pluck it, cook it,
put it in a pot.

Okay, let's go!
Come on, let's go!

Okay, chickens, who wants to die?

♪ Come on, baby,
do the chicken-chicken walk ♪

Here. Here. Ha!

♪ Quiver yourself from head to toe ♪

♪ Do your stuff wherever you go ♪

♪ Do your stuff up on the floor ♪

Which is a good one?

Which is a good one?
Come on, come on, come on. Ahh!

Woo-hoo!

Come on. Come on, come on, come on.
Ooh! Ow.

♪ Push in and a-push out,
push in and a-push out ♪

♪ Push in and a-push-push-push-push out ♪

- Oh!
- I got it!

I got it, I got it!
Gimme the axe!

You passed the test.
We'll take it from here.

That's Elizabeth.

You said her name was Elizabeth?

Delish-abeth.

Hm.

Don't act like you don't know
where your food comes from.

No, I know. I just...

- Do you even like it?
- Mm.

Mm-hm, I love it.

Just, like, grateful for the,
you know, connection to, like...

You just killed it.

Yeah, I feel a connection to the...
and grate...

It's like what, you know,
grateful to the Earth

for giving it to us or whatever.

- Why aren't you eating Elizabeth?
- Me?

- Mm-hm.
- I'm vegetarian.

Time for school.

I thought you guys didn't go to school.

- We're homeschooled.
- Homeschool?

Child Service lady checks
the logbook every time she visits.

- It's the law.
- It's what?

- The law.
- The law. Oh, okay.

So, why don't you guys
go to a real school?

'Cause all they teach you
is how to be like everyone else.

Yeah.

Plus, our mom and dad
used to live on this big ranch

- with a whole bunch of people and...
- It was ginormous.

...their leader said that he was
a savior from the moon of Jupiter.

- He was actually a liar.
- Yeah, no, I know.

Well, Dad found out he was a liar

and Dad didn't like that,

and he didn't want anybody else
ever telling us what to think.

- Not even at school.
- Yeah.

Hm. Alright, so what do you
want me to teach you?

Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

- Oh, my God. Alright.
- Sex is today's lesson.

Okay, "babies plus privates equals..."

- No, "boobies".
- Oh, "boobies", sorry.

"Boobies plus privates equals babies."

- Okay, who wrote that?
- It's true.

It's... Well, sort of, I mean,

- part of the equation.
- S-E-X.

- Whoa, okay.
- This is the man's. This is the...

No, that's actually the woman's.

- That's the man's.
- Fallopian tubes.

No, dick... vagina.

No, this is the...
Not the dick.

- It's the...
- Why is the dick so floppy?

Okay. It's not...
We don't call it that.

We call it the penis.

But you said that to us.

I used it in trying to correct you,
but it's...

It can be, like, somebody's name,
but you don't say it...

- He's not a expert like us.
- Okay.

Alright, so you guys
know about sex, a little bit.

Tell me what you know already and then...

It's like birds and the bees,

but the bees stick their stinger
in the bird's butt.

- No, it's like when Mabel and Daisy...
- Okay.

...hump each other and get stuck.

Who?

- The pigs.
- The pigs get stuck.

The boy and girl like...

It's when they get on top
and then they bump it.

- Oh.
- And they pump it.

No, you dummy.

It's when Mom and Dad go in the room,

lock the door,
and make funny noises.

It's how you make babies.

Only if you're not careful.

No, um, sex is how
two people show each other

how much they like each other.

- Sperms!
- That's, that's it.

Sperms are released
when the man puts...

- his part into the...
- Gross.

You mean the wiener-dick-penis?

- No, just dick!
- Just penis.

- Just penis. No wiener or dick.
- Dick-penis.

- Those are... Not... It's not...
- It goes wiener, dick, penis.

Those are all three names
for the same thing.

Weiner, dick, and penis

- are three names for the same thing.
- And my word for it is dick.

- Okay.
- This is a lot.

♪ Good morning, Mr. Morning ♪

♪ It's good to see your face ♪

♪ It's nice to know that
you're still hangin' 'round ♪

♪ I see you brought
your friends the birds ♪

♪ It's always nice
to hear their words ♪

♪ And know that they're
not all Southern-bound ♪

♪ The morning seems the best time ♪

♪ To greet yourself and say ♪

♪ Good morning, good to see you... ♪

I'm just saying, do you wanna
go with a real plan, Carol,

or Devin's wish-casting long shot?

- 'Cause that's what it is.
- Are you done?

No, could you do me a favor?

Could you, uh, just pop over to my place

and feed my fish and water my fern?

Feed your f...
I'm prepping for this presentation.

- Okay. Uh...
- This needs to be done by Monday.

- Okay.
- Just get home

and water your own damn plant.

- 'Kay? Thank you.
- Oh, okay, thank you.

Hey.

Hi.

- Better now?
- A little... You?

Mm.

I never thought I would move back home,
but it's actually nice.

- I get to connect to people...
- Hm.

...in a way
that's meaningful to me

- and spend time with my parents.
- Great.

Ooh, thank you.
He'll have another, please.

Everybody says she was
a great dancer, your sister.

She was.
She was really talented.

She went to ballet school in New York.

- Is that where you lived?
- No, I was in Chicago.

She was in New York.
She was in New York,

and then she moved to New Jersey.

That's when she met
the ice cream guy... Captain Bebop.

- Captain Bebop?
- Yeah.

- What is that?
- Well, I mean, that was,

that was his ice cream name.

His real name was Steve Kicklighter.

And he was, like, ice cream man?

- Yeah.
- Like, in the truck?

She dropped out of school

and just, like... started
this whole universe with this guy.

And then, you know,
they moved down here,

and to do what, I don't know,
you know, like, make ice cream

and take over his father's farm?

And have four beautiful children.

Yeah, she just had a lot of potential.

They wanted a different life.

Anyway, whatever happened
to the ice cream?

Um...

you know, money became an issue...

and he asked me for a loan

and I gave it to him
and I didn't tell her.

And then, she found out...
and then we got into it.

She got really mad that
I hadn't told her and... anyway.

After that, we sort of stopped talking.
Just, you know?

And now she's gone.

She's not here.

But she's remembered.

That ballet school she started
was a big deal in this community.

That's a shame they're impounding it.

Yeah.

Go for a walk.

What does "impound" mean?

It means they're gonna take it away

because nobody's paying for it.

What are we going
to do with all this stuff?

Uh, I don't know.
I guess we keep a few things

and... throw away things
we don't want and leave the rest.

Oh, wow.

Oh... this is my old toy chest.

She kept it.

Hm, that's me, that's your mom.

Wow... it's my sword.

Hey, this is, this is my sword.

It's actually...
That was my sword.

I now pronounce you
the nuttiest Nutcracker ever,

Sir Poops-A-Lot.

Hm. Your mom used to have
this on her nightstand.

Hey, look.

What'd you do that for, Simon?

Cool, right?

We used to put a little
desk lamp behind it,

then the sparkles
would shine on the wall.

It was really pretty.

And we'd, like, pretend
we were in this other dimension.

It was kinda cool.

- Hey, Junior.
- Yeah?

- What's this?
- Hey, that's my notebook.

Oh.

We were going to put on
The Nutcracker for Christmas.

- The Nutcracker, the ballet?
- Yeah.

Oh, "By Steve Kicklighter, Jr."
Junior!

You're Steve.
You're junior. Right.

- I always thought it was a stupid story.
- Oh.

It's about this girl named Clara
that gets a nutcracker for Christmas.

- Mm-hm.
- And then, at night, these mice come in

and try to eat her gingerbread men.

And then, the Mouse King comes

and then the Nutcracker
kills the Mouse King

and then takes Clara
to the land of sweets.

The end.
Stupid, right?

That's the actual Nutcracker story?

And the Waltz of the Flowers
is the best piece of music

with the most boring part of the story.

- Hm.
- So, Junior made a much better story

using only his favorite music.

- That's this?
- Yeah.

"Once upon a 50 years ago,

"some people were having a big party

at President Ronald Reagan's house."

- Yeah, wh-why not would they?
- "Then Clara's spooky

"Uncle Drosselmeyer came.

"He gave toys like
tin soldiers to all the kids

"so they wouldn't be scared of him

"because he had a golf ball eye.

For Clara, he gave her a nutcracker
even though she didn't have any nuts."

The Much Better Nutcracker,
AKA... The Nutcracker's Mustache.

- That's good.
- My dad had a mustache.

Yeah.
So, basically, it's like a reboot

that takes the original
and puts a spin on it

that would piss off
Balanchine and Tchaikovsky

and all the people
across the ballet universe.

- Yeah!
- They would love it.

Like, dead people.
Like, Mom and Dad.

Yeah.

Hey, Mike.

- Yeah?
- I know karate.

Cool.

Hey, Mike.

Hey.

It's, uh, 10:30, guys.
Shouldn't you be asleep?

We want a bedtime story.

Mm-hm.
No, I'm working, so...

Talk to Justice.
I don't do story stuff.

I'm writing! Do not disturb!

Mom always told us a story.

Okay, I'm not your mom...
I'm Michael.

'Kay?

So, it's not happening.

A long, long time ago,
there was a little girl,

- they called her Goldilocks.
- That story sucks.

We already heard that story.

O-kay, how 'bout, uh,
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,

eating her curds and whey.

- And?
- Mm, that's all I got on that one.

- We want somethin' with action and blood.
- Yeah, blood.

Wow, you guys are pretty hardcore, huh?

Action and blood. Okay.

Okay, got it.

Once upon a time,
after the fall of Saigon...

at the end of the Vietnam War,

a man returned home
to a country he didn't recognize.

And they used to call him John,
but since the war,

he went by his nickname... Rambo.

Rambo.

One day he arrived
in a small town to visit a friend...

only he found out
that the friend was dead.

The mean sheriff

tried to kick him out of the town.

Now, Rambo wasn't lookin' for any trouble.

He didn't take shit from anybody, right?

You better believe it.

Then the mean sheriff threw him in jail

and his three deputies
tried to torture him.

So, Rambo kicked one in the nuts.
He headbutted the second one.

Then he threw the third one out a window
and he got the hell outta there.

And he stole a motorcycle,

ripped it out of a guy's
hands in the street,

just rode it off into the woods.

Is that the guy that
went to Afghanistan

on a rescue mission?

Yeah, you've heard of him?

Anyway, time passes,
a lotta other stuff happens

and, uh, Rambo leaves a monastery

and gets on a plane to Pakistan.

Now, he was very tired,

and the sound of the plane
was very relaxing,

so he started to feel sleepy,
couldn't keep his eyes open,

laid back in the seat.

His eyelids were just so heavy.

The plane was just so cozy.

All he wanted to do...
was sleep.

So, he closed his eyes and drifted off.

You go to sleep now.

Sleep.

And no more messing with Michael

while he's finishing
his important work project.

- Yep?
- Excuse me, Mike?

- Yeah?
- I-I have a couple more

questions about what we talked about.

Okay.

What do you wanna know?

Can a girl tell if you've
never kissed somebody before?

Um...

yeah, maybe.

Mm, really?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yes... You know the fun thing
about being your age

is that you get to find
this stuff out as you grow up.

So... it all sort of just happens.

But yeah, just, you know, be nice and...

try not to let your teeth
knock into her teeth.

That can happen.
And, uh...

Oh, maybe wash, you know,
with an antibacterial.

Just, like, rinse it out beforehand.

And maybe after, too.

- Okay?
- Wait.

- Hm?
- Do you have a girlfriend?

- No.
- You don't?

- Nope.
- Never?

No. Well, yeah.
I mean, yes. Uh...

a long time ago there was,
yeah, there was one person

and...

we were together for a while
and then... she wanted to get married

and I didn't.

So, we broke up.

So, you're all alone?

No, no. I got friends.
Got a lotta friends.

Got a buddy I play squash with.
Turkish guy. Very cool guy.

Uh...

people at work, you know?

Yeah, I mean, it's good.
I'm happy, I like my life.

Yeah.

Do you think I look like my dad?

Yes... very much so.

Whoa-whoa-whoa.
What are you guys doin' up?

It's sleep time.
Why are we not on the couch?

- You're supposed to be asleep.
- I had a bad dream about Rambo.

Go back down. No, no, no.
Go back downstairs, guys.

Guys, we're not doing this.

- I had a bad dream, too.
- Can you tell them we're not doin' this?

I think I found
a foster home for the twins.

It's a nice couple in Cincinnati.

I mean, turns out, I actually
went to high school with the mom.

We did musical theater together.

She got all the good parts.
I just made the costumes.

- Jennifer and Brandan.
- It's actually Bran-d-yn.

Brandyn? Brandyn. He's...
Yeah, they look like they're...

connected?
Hm. Yeah, good.

Unfortunately,
they can't take all four boys.

So, while the twins will have a home,

you are gonna have to put
the older boys in a group home

until I can find placement for them.

Uh, okay.

Okay, and... this is your recommendation?

No, but if you really have
to get back to Chicago,

it is the quickest solution.

Five push-ups, five push-ups.

Come on, useless!

Ooh!

- Hey! Jump!
- Do it!

No, you do yours!

Ooh. Got the turd flushed down the toilet.

Hey, guys.

Come here.

- Yeah?
- What?

Yeah?

What?

Just... be careful on the roof, okay?

- Okay.
- 'Kay.

- Come on! Hey!
- Rejected.

Get another sausage.

Oh, that was so close.

Boom!

That's where I shoot from.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How did the boys take the news?

Uhh... maybe it'd be best

to find a place
that'll take all four of them?

Really?

Yeah, probably best
to keep 'em together.

I am so glad to hear that.

I was,
I was hoping you would say that.

Yeah.

- Maybe this place is growing on you.
- Hm.

It's alright.

- Boys.
- Yeah, I'm sure it was an accident.

Yeah, yeah.
No, I don't figure they were actually

- trying to... Yeah.
- Aiming for you.

Bet you wanna take
your clothes off with her. Don't you?

Boobies plus privates
equals babies, right?

Yeah, somethin' like that.

Hey, guys. I'm goin' to town
to get some groceries.

- Any requests?
- Yes!

Alright.
Hey, Justice. Justice.

Justice! Justice!

- Justice.
- What?

- What are you doin'?
- I wanna replace the lug bolt.

- The what?
- It got sheered off

last time I was trying to jump stuff
and the tire flew off.

- Now I have to replace it.
- Okay.

I wanna jump the ramp over the pool

because you said I couldn't
use your Porsche.

Got it. Just be careful, alright?
Gotta run to the store.

I'm coming with you.

Nah, just tell me
what you want and I'll get it.

Okay, some Count Chocula.

- Chips!
- Protein powder, cottage cheese.

Pineapples as well.

Okay.

Okay. Alright.

I'm not gonna remember this,
so I'm gonna write it down, okay?

Just take us with you.

Yeah, you're not gonna
fit in the Porsche.

We can take Dad's truck.

Where's Dad's truck?

♪ Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop ♪

♪ Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop ♪

♪ Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop ♪

♪ Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' ♪

♪ You gotta have somethin'
if you wanna be with me ♪

♪ Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' ♪

- ♪ You gotta have somethin'... ♪
- So, this was your dad's

primary form of transportation?

♪ Captain Bebop and his sidekick ♪

- ♪ Creamy ♪
- Oh, yeah!

- Hm.
- He was, um, renovating it.

Like, you're, uh, renovating
the train tracks in Chicago.

Yeah, same idea.

You're the top five real estate developers

in the Midwest.
Fancy, right?

♪ Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' ♪

- ♪ And I'm not stuffin', believe you me ♪
- You okay, man?

Before we go to the grocery store,

can we make one more stop?

Sure.

It happened right here.

Dad was driving.

They were driving this way.

No, they were driving that way.

They were driving this way.

- They were driving home.
- It was raining.

- There was an explosion.
- No, no there wasn't.

They got turned upside down.

People put flowers and pictures on it.

You guys made that?

Yeah, we made it
after Mom and Dad died.

That's nice.

Oh, I wonder if he wants to adopt us.

- Who?
- That guy over there.

Aloysius Cornelius Wilmington.

He owns practically the whole town,

and he has a ginormous mansion
with a swimming pool,

and his, his wife is right behind him.

She has a wooden leg.

- Really?
- Yeah.

She's nocturnal like a marsupial.

They could be our mom and dad.

That's it, right? That's it.

- Yeah, that's it.
- Okay. Fifty-eight.

- That's the one.
- Okay.

Alright, do me a favor.
Just wait, like, two minutes

and then come over
and say something cute, okay?

How many?

- Twenty-five of those, 30 of those.
- Okay, comin' up.

Nice car.

Sorry?

Is that your 'vette
out there in the parkin' lot?

- That's yours, right?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, think I saw
you gettin' outta there.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, that's mine.
- Beautiful. It's like a '58,

- I think, maybe?
- Yeah, that's a '58.

- You like that one?
- Oh, cherry.

- Oh, thanks, yes.
- Yeah, yeah.

You detail it and, uh, do it yourself?
The whole thing?

I did some of it myself.

- Yeah, yeah.
- I didn't do any of it myself.

Look, I wrote the check

- and it worked. Yeah, no.
- Right, well, you know,

- it works either way, right?
- Yes.

- Aloysius Wilmington.
- Michael Maxwell.

- Oh, hey, nice to meet you.
- Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you.

- Great. That's great. Oh!
- I think I lost a tooth.

- Oh, cool.
- I gotta go to the bathroom.

Okay, well, I'm sure
there's, like, a toilet somewhere.

If you just... Justice, why don't you
ask the lady up front, okay?

- Okay.
- I need to go poop.

- You gotta go poop, okay.
- A big one.

- Yep.
- Yeah, it's my, uh, late sister's kids.

- Wait, are those those Kicklighter boys?
- Yeah.

Oh hell, I knew Janet.

- I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah.
- Oh, thank you, yeah.

She's great.
She ran the dance studio

- my daughters went to.
- Yeah, yeah. Oh, really?

- Yeah, yeah, they loved it.
- Yeah. Yeah.

How are the kids holdin' up?

- Mm, you know... alright, considering.
- Here you go, Al.

Yeah, my wife and I are
empty nesters and let me tell you,

that is a blow you do not see coming.

Yep, those boys are gonna be grown
and gone before you know it.

Not a thing you can do about it.

Well, if you wanna take 'em
off my hands, they're available.

Hey, you know,
if you're lookin' for somethin' to do,

we're havin' a holiday party
at our place on Sunday.

- Oh.
- Oh, hell yeah.

We're gonna have games
and candy canes for the kids.

And, uh, Olivia makes the best
pumpkin pie in the state.

- Mm.
- And we're gonna have enough eggnog

to drown a bull calf.

So, uh, please show up, come by.

Okay, thank you, I love eggnog.

Alright, good.
It's the end of Porter Road.

There's a big gate.
We'll be lookin' for ya.

Porter Road, alright.

And bring those boys.

I will.

I will.

Is this where all the rich people live?

I wonder if Big Al wants to adopt us.

And you guys
gotta be on your best behavior

if you want this to work out.

Hey, no karate chops, alright?
This guy's super into you.

Can I drive that golf cart?

Nope, you may not.

Can I drive the golf cart?

No, and stop asking.

It's not age-appropriate, okay?

Act like normal children, please.

Alright, best behavior, come on.

Yeah.

Guys, look at all those presents!

- Can we open some?
- Guys, hey.

Guys, guys, put the presents down.

They're not your presents.
Okay.

Just hang out here
for a second, okay?

I'm gonna try to find Mr. Wilmington.

- Okay.
- Alright? J-Justice, you're in charge.

- Okay,
- Everybody... best behavior.

- Okay.
- Best behavior.

Okay.

Look at that chandelier.

It's those four freaks
stinkin' up our Christmas party.

It's the Freak-lighters.

Get a haircut, ya hippies!

Eat shit, Biniak!

Come over here, stop it.

He's not worth it. He's not worth it.

He has brain problems.
Brain damaged.

That's the one that's been
sending you love letters?

- Mm-hm.
- He's weird, but he's cute.

Oh, God... there she is.

- Who? Who are you talking about?
- You guys, go, go play or something.

Go play.

I bet you want her to be your girlfriend.

Shut it! Go.

Aloysius...
Mike, Michael.

- Oh.
- Hey.

- Is it Mike or Michael?
- It's, uh... Mike's...

- good.
- Hey, did you bring your team?

Uh, yeah, they're around here somewhere.
They're...

Ah! Here they are.
Look at that.

- Ah.
- On cue. Yeah.

You know, so what does a hotshot hunk
like you do back in Chicago?

Real estate.

- Ah.
- Yeah, I'm senior development manager

- with the Millican Group.
- Mm.

Right now, we're one of the two
finalists chasing the RFP

on the redevelopment
of a railroad switching yard

just north of Lincoln Park.

Sounds like that could be
a big win for you.

You know, I've dabbled
in some restoration

and some development myself.

I, I know the landscape.

- Oh, very cool.
- Sure.

Yeah.

I don't suppose you'd be interested
in the restoration and development

of... a few young gentlemen, would you?

- You mean those boys?
- They need a family,

and, uh, I'm gettin' good daddy,
good daddy vibes from you.

I feel it. No, I feel it.

I feel... good daddy.

Are you talkin' about fostering them?

Actually, it'd just be for a few years
'cause, I mean, Justice is 12

and, uh, the other guys,

I mean, it's really more like
a 10-year lease.

I gotta tell ya...
my wife would be thrilled

to have some boys to tickle
around here, that's for sure.

- Got you! She's a tickler! She...
- Really? Ho, ho!

Okay, alright! Alright.

Let's make it a tickle party.

Come on, bro!

I need this job, guys.
Come on, seriously.

Ah!

I miss dancing with you.

I hope you're still practicing.

Now that my mom's gone,
I'm more focused on bodybuilding.

I'm gonna be a wrestler.

Professional one.

- More than likely.
- Yeah?

You don't have very big muscles.

Well, not yet,
but, uh, I'm lifting weights

and drinkin' protein shakes
and lean beef.

I only danced
'cause my mom made me.

But then...

I really liked dancing with you.

My guinea pig
is gonna have babies soon.

That's nice.

- Out of the golf cart now.
- No.

You little gremlin,
you can't reach anyways.

I can't reach the pedal.

And that's great for me
'cause I need the job

- and my boss is gonna kill me.
- So, one day,

- Baby Jesus was...
- Hey!

- You do not touch Baby Jesus like that.
- ...walking through the ice cream shop.

You put down Baby Jesus right now!

And then he found...
the most gorgeous ice cream cone.

Stop messing with the manger!

Mr. Wilmington's always watching!

So then,
Baby Jesus found out...

what ice cream tasted like that day.

And Creamy found out
what he was getting for Christmas

was a tombstone.

Have you ever kissed a girl before?

Kissed a girl?

Maybe.

Have you ever kissed
a girl upside down?

- What was that?
- I farted.

You farted when you were kissing me?

So?

Well, could, could we
maybe try kissing again

and maybe no farts?

I think it's time for lunch.

Hey, Justice! Thought you were gonna
teach me how to drive the golf cart?

That girl? The girl, Mia...
I think I'm gonna marry her.

Yeah, but you said you're gonna
teach me how to drive the golf cart.

Sorry to interrupt, guys.

- Mind if I sit here?
- Hi. Yeah, hello.

Reverend, please, would you do us

- the honors, please?
- Oh, of course.

Um, well, thank you,
Al and Olivia Wilmington

for hosting us in your wonderful home.

As we gather to celebrate the holidays,

we give thanks
to our blessed Lord for these gifts,

for these tater tots and corn on the cob,

for the lemonade and Rice Krispie treats.

May the redeeming love
of Jesus Christ bless us all

as we enjoy this day
of fellowship in His Grace.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Amen.

Are you all...
Do you guys all...

- Go to church together?
- You go to church together?

- Yeah, mm-hm.
- That's nice, that's great.

So, that's what
this group is, that's great.

Yeah, mostly.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Mm-hm.

Yeah. Hey, I heard you saying
that you were looking

for a home for the boys.

Yeah, yeah.
Sort of a process.

Well, wait a minute on that
because maybe I can help you.

Ya know, you're gonna want
a nice home for them.

- Mm-hm.
- And, and I would welcome them

coming to live with us.

Like, I'm a single mom.
I could use the extra testosterone.

Well, that's, yeah.
I mean, they're, you know,

- they're four brothers.
- Mm-hm.

And we're sort of trying
to keep them all together, so...

Oh, I, I know how it works.
All my kids are fosters.

Alright, well, thank you.
You know, we are...

kind of down the road
in, uh, talks with Al,

- so I don't wanna jinx anything...
- Oh.

...but it seems like
he's pretty interested.

Everybody wants these kids.

I'm sure everybody wants to be
their mommies and daddies.

- Yeah, they're, you know...
- Mike, Mike, Mike!

Come quick.
The, the golf cart, it's driving itself!

It's driving itself!

Ow!

Watch out!

Watch out!

It's okay!

He's good!

I saved him!

Look, the kids are not
as crazy as that...

No, I think you can handle this
all on your own, big shot.

Huh? Ya think?
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.
Sorry again for...

You guys are unbelievable.

Are you mad at us?

Don't! Stop it! Don't say a word.

Alright? Nothing.

I was having a civilized connection

with an A-plus possible sugar daddy.

You guys could've been
livin' in that house.

With cheeseballs, ketchup,
and bubble baths,

and no more plucking chickens

'cause you'd have
an entire staff doing it for you

for the rest of your lives.

Guys, I'm just here.
I'm trying to take care of you.

- I'm tryin' to find you a good home, okay?
- No way.

Tony Marquez got put in that place once.

It's like an orphanage.

No, it's not "like" an orphanage,
it is an orphanage.

He had to sleep
in a cardboard box,

and they made him eat human tongue,
and he got hepatitis.

- Sounds awful.
- He did not look so good

when he came back.

We'll run away first.

We should run away anyway.

Where are you gonna run away to?

We're gonna walk to Cincinnati.

We could hop a train there
and then take it to the mountains.

- We could build a cabin there.
- Uh-huh.

Or, you know, even better,
we could take it to Kansas City.

- Kansas City?
- Somewhere no one would find us.

That would be
an exceptionally stupid idea.

Well, it's better than
going to the orphanage.

Yeah, well, people don't
get their legs torn off

trying to jump onto a moving orphanage.

Besides, even if you do
get on the train,

then the real fun begins

because you get to meet
the hobos and tramps

who have all sorts of fun ideas about
what to do with little boys like you.

And you're right,
nobody'll ever see ya again

'cause you'll end up
stuffed in an oil drum,

buried in a ditch somewhere.

Unidentifiable.

I don't wanna die.

You're not gonna die.

I guess we're gonna have to live
with the fact that no one wants us then.

That's not true.

Somebody does.

- Who's this lady again?
- I don't know.

Is she gonna adopt us?

No.

How do we look?

Looking good. Feeling good.

Shut up.

You're so cool.

Hey, hi.

Is your mommy home?

Line 'em up.

Okay. Yes to these. Okay.

Okay.

- Your choice, Mike.
- Oh.

Tuna fish or Kroger's Premium Select.

You know what? I actually ate
before I came over, but...

- Okay.
- Yeah.

I'm excited to introduce the kids.

Don't they wanna come in?

Yeah, no, they're just a little shy.

So, uh, I'll get 'em
in a few minutes, yeah.

Well, hopefully they'll get in here soon.

They can eat all this
before I eat it all up.

Looks good.

So...

how many kids do you have?

Uh, more than a tree house,

less than a volleyball team.

Okay, so... uh, si... eight, six?

It's like in the song.

- Song? Yeah.
- Yeah, that song where they were like,

"There was an old woman
who lived in a shoe."

Oh, yeah, the nursery rhyme, yeah.

It's a song from the 2000s.

- Oh, is it?
- Uh-huh.

Oh, 'cause all nursery rhymes
kind of have a...

Mm, yeah, but nursery rhymes
usually don't have guitars and pianos.

- Yeah, it's unimportant.
- Um,

Mike, can I get real
with you for a second?

Yeah.

If your boys come to live with us...

- Mm-hm.
- ...you're welcome to visit any, any time.

Thank you. Yeah.

There's a pullout couch

- in my bedroom you could stay on.
- Oh.

Yeah, or I could just stay,
you know, close by or whatever.

We... I mean, maybe we're puttin'
the cart before the horse a little bit.

Maybe, Mike, but it would be
a blessing to have them here.

Okay?
Those sweet, sweet boys.

- Thank you. Mm-hm.
- Sure.

Um...

I have to, uh... Gotta...
Do you have a bathroom?

- Oh, yeah, right there.
- Okay, great.

Sally, you're being silly.

Come on, don't you want
more brothers and sisters?

I know, but when we have company,

you need to be quiet, okay?

I can hear you guys up there.

You and your brothers
are runnin' around like hippopotamuses.

So, you gotta zipper the lips

and if you can't be quiet,
no yogurt for a week.

You understand me?

Mr. Mike is company and we need
to make him feel like a king today.

You understand?

Ten-four, good buddy.

Are you, uh, are you sure that

- you can afford four more kids or...?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

See, Mike, 'cause the state
gives you $800 a month per kid.

They give you more if you can claim
they have special needs.

That little one's got a lisp.

I don't know if you've noticed,
but it's adorable.

- Right.
- Oh, my friend, Lucy,

her husband, Harold, is a barber,

which is great
'cause we get discounts.

They sure could use haircuts, Mike.

Haircuts?

Yeah, I mean...
when I first met them,

I thought three of them were little girls.

What about our first impression, huh?

She wants you to get haircuts.

- Haircuts?
- Yeah, haircuts.

Really?

I mean, at this point in the game,

I think that's just, like,
you know, forget it, man.

It's like a total...
It's a deal-breaker. Sorry.

Where's my phone?
Who has my phone?

- Hello?
- Hey, hey! Sam, how did you get that?

- It's a woman!
- Ooh, a woman.

Guys, it's not funny.

Give me the phone, Samuel,
so I can talk to her. Who is it?

- It's Carol.
- Ooh, Carol!

Carol, do me a favor, hang up.

I'll call ya back when I pull over.

- Bye, Carol.
- Love you.

- Carol.
- I don't know

where your head is at,

but that document
you sent me is a disaster.

Uh, oh, okay. Yeah, no. No, no.

I told you that Barbara
either inadvertently or advertently

sabotaged my environmental report.

'Kay, 'cause that's not what
I was putting out there at all.

- Okay, well, don't blame Barbara.
- No, she screw...

- No, no, no, that was her.
- B ecause we're going

with Devin's proposal, Michael.

What?
Oh, come on! Seriously, Carol.

- Devin's? Really? You can't just...
- Yeah. Yes.

You can't just...
Just because he comes in

with a little tap dance, a little,
"Oh, hey, look at me.

"I'm the new kid, you know,
don't listen to me.

"But, yeah, really listen to me

because I wanna steal
the project from Michael."

You've obviously
got your hands full over there.

Come on, our history
doesn't count for anything here?

- You're just gonna go off...
- Not at the workplace, Michael.

- Not at the workplace.
- This guy...

I said never to bring that up to me...

It doesn't matter. It's all...
It doesn't matter. Okay. Forget it.

Guess what? It never happened.
Key West never happened, okay?

It didn't happen, but guess what?

It's still my project, okay?

- And you still owe me. Carol?
- Just get creative and go find

those kids a family.
How hard can it be?

- Carol, Carol.
- Okay, Devin is here,

- I-I gotta go.
- No, you can't go, Carol! You...

Oh!

What's he doing now?

He's going crazy on that mailbox.

Are you sure you don't
wanna eat dinner with us?

Nah, you guys go ahead.

- Uncle Mike?
- Yeah.

If it's any easier,

I don't have to stay with these guys.

If you can find
a foster family for them,

I can live somewhere else.

A group home or what-whatever.

Thank you.

- Guess what?
- What?

Key to Dad's old liquor cabinet.

Thank you.

When I wake up tomorrow,
are you still gonna be here?

More than likely.

Ow.

Oof.

Pirouette.

Tombé. Pas de bourrée.
Pirouette.

No, you guys, just...

Junior, when you do
the tombé pas de bourrée,

you're turning in.

You gotta turn it out
when you're in the relevé.

And when you pirouette,
put your heels down,

so you can get as much momentum

as you can.
This is a bit challenging.

You kno... You know it.
Let me, let me just show you.

One, two, three, four.

Five. Assemblé.

You should be doing
turned out leg, a higher relevé,

and then your pirouette,
your heel should be down.

And then you're gonna do
the...

Okay, right now,
you're going in like this.

You gotta go... out, out, out.

And then when you do,

it's back, front, back.
So, it's...

Okay, let's try
the whole thing one more time.

Come on.

Okay, guys, I just got a great idea.

- We're gonna put on a show.
- What?

A dance performance
to showcase your talents for the public.

- Twenty bucks a ticket.
- Uh, I don't have that much.

Where do we get the money?

No, no, no, they pay you.
You don't pay them.

What do you want? Put on a play?

Like, Romeo and Juliet.

Even better.

- The Nutcracker?
- No.

The Much Better Nutcracker.

Hey, I wrote that!
That's mine!

- Yes, you did.
- I drew those pictures too!

That's right.
Steven Kicklighter Junior's

Much Better Nutcracker,

and we're gonna put it up.

- I don't like that title.
- Okay, well, whatever.

Either way, we use Junior's
brilliant sabotage of the holiday classic.

We choreograph it together.

Everybody sees you dance,
their hearts melt,

fall in love with you, and...
Hey, Justice, perfect timing.

How would you like to be
a Much Better Nutcracker?

I'm not doin' it.

I don't wanna be a Nutcracker.

If I can't be a samurai, I'm not doin' it.

Well, there's... There is it.
Look, samurai!

- Samurai! Look at that.
- Is Rambo in it?

Rambo is an intellectual property
that belongs to someone else,

but we can totally rip off the character,
and yes, blood and guts.

We'll just, like, call him, like, uh,
Blambo or Crambo or somethin' like that.

- Yeah.
- I'm a Rambo.

And Justice can be the Nutcracker.

- Yeah, Justice.
- But we need a sword.

Maybe a samurai sword
to murder Mike.

Why do you wanna murder Mike?

Why do we need to murder Mike?

Not... Mike's not e... Well, no.
I'm not even in it, guys. This is you.

Who else is going
to get stabbed in the heart

by a Nutcracker
when he's going on his rampage?

Okay, good, well,
we'll figure that out,

but e-either way,
blood and guts, action, nutcracker...

- Leave me out of it.
- ...all the blood.

I'm not doing it.

- Why?
- You're the one that knows

how to dance the best.

They're right, you're the best dancer.

I only dance if Mom's watching me.

People think we're weird enough already.

Okay, so let's prove 'em wrong.

I'm telling you, when people see
what you guys can do,

they're gonna freak out.

You're gonna be fightin' off
the families with a paddle.

Come on, Justice, do it.

- Come on.
- No thanks, you guys can have fun.

Justice.

Okay, I still think it works.
I'm not afraid.

What do you say?

If we do this,
everybody's gonna want you.

- What do you say, huh?
- Yeah!

Much Better Cracker.
Much Better Cracker.

Much Better Cracker.

You're doing what?

Yeah, I know it sounds crazy,

but it's just crazy enough to work.

And these guys are really good.

And when it's not really good,
at least it's pretty funny.

You're nuts.

Exactly, we're leaning into that.

Hear ye, hear ye.
Here we have choreography.

Okay, so here's the idea.

Mouse King is going be
watching everybody, right?

- You are the Mouse King. Okay?
- Yes.

Now do the battle.
There's no shark in this.

Samuel, there's no shark.

- La jeté.
- Alright, and then a tour de l'air,

tour de l'air.

Focus.

- Pirouette! Almost there!
- Spotlight's on you.

Boo!

- It looks good on you.
- I have a big head.

No, you have a perfect head.
Hello.

We're here now,
so I think there might be a spot.

- Hey.
- Hey, Gretchen.

Hi, honey.

Oh sure, whatever you said.

- This is my friend, Mike.
- This must be Mike.

- Hey, Mike Maxwell.
- Hey. Nice to meet you.

Well, thanks for the interest
in our Murphy Theater.

- Oh yeah, it's beautiful.
- Yeah.

That one, right there, yeah.

And I love the idea
of an entrance like that where you,

you stretch out there
with your leg behind you.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

That's incredible.

I think if you guys

did something like that,
it could really work, right?

Yeah, it could.

Yeah, I love that.
Look at that extension.

Man, your mom was really good.

Ooh, I love it.

Boom!

Okay, guys, you're totally...
Guys, you're totally outta sync.

Sure do like that hay.
There you go.

Get your head out of there.

Couldn't figure it out,
but Junior got the coffee maker working.

Thanks, I usually take it black,
but... thanks though.

- So, how's the ballet going?
- Pretty good.

Cool. Cool, cool.

Good luck with your plan.
I, I hope it works.

Thank you. I mean,
if I'm being totally honest,

we are missing a couple of key elements...

like real dancers.

Yeah, I mean, the show
doesn't work without a Clara...

and without a Nutcracker.

- That sucks.
- Hm.

Yeah, I was talkin' with your brothers.
What if that girl, uh,

Mia from your mom's
dance class played Clara?

Would you wanna play
the Nutcracker then?

She would never do that.

Yeah, okay, but what if she did?

- She wouldn't.
- I know, but what if she did?

- No. She wouldn't.
- Yeah, but... I know, but what if she did?

Ask her.

I did ask her.

Yeah, I did, and guess what?

She said she wants to marry you.

- Hi, Mia.
- Hi!

Hi.

♪ Where have you been,
what took you so long? ♪

♪ Y'all are welcome
to our new country home ♪

♪ Light up the pipe, pass it around ♪

♪ Take off your boots,
we're just a-pickin' around ♪

♪ We don't care what
state you come from ♪

♪ We don't care what
state your mind is in ♪

♪ And for your drys,
we have homemade wine ♪

♪ And out in the kitchen
there's cooking so fine ♪

♪ You can stay, stay all night long ♪

♪ We have a bed for you
to lay your head on ♪

♪ Morning sun will heat you ♪

♪ Heat you to your bones ♪

♪ The yellow days will greet you ♪

♪ Show you where you belong ♪

Hi. Welcome to the theater. Be careful.

- This is...
- Let's go.

Alright, I know
it's a little early for y'all,

but, you know, you can also
get married on this stage.

We had John Ritter.
I don't know if you even know who that is,

but he got married here.

♪ If you can live,
if you can love ♪

♪ If you can give,
my friend, that's enough ♪

♪ I don't care
what state you come from ♪

It's great to have you here.

Tell us a little bit about what
you got goin' on down there.

- Looks like a lotta fun.
- Yeah, it's a really fun ballet.

- Uh-huh.
- Uh, but the kids wrote it

and have really
choreographed it themselves

and it's, uh, kind of a spin, you know,

it's not, it's not your grandmother's,
uh, Nutcracker.

♪ It's right before your eyes ♪

♪ The key and the answer,
the secret to the skies ♪

♪ Truth is the answer
right before your eyes ♪

♪ The key and the answer,
the secret to the skies ♪

♪ Truth is the answer
right before your eyes ♪

♪ The key and the answer,
the secret to the skies ♪

♪ Truth is the answer ♪

Ahh!

Put that right here.

It's a Christmas couch.
A Kicklighter family tradition.

Huh, pretty cool.

I like how the fishing, uh, lures

actually do look like ornaments,
it's kinda cool.

- Yep.
- Yeah. Kind of work like a mountain.

- Cool stuff.
- Yeah, so, do you think I should

drape this around the top or maybe...

We can drape it
over the origami and antlers.

Last Christmas it was funny

because we played
Captain Beefheart records.

Hey, hey, hang on a second.
Here, hold this. Be right back.

It was awesome.

Hey, whatcha doin'?

Nothing.

Is that your mom's robe?

Junior makes fun of me.

Well... I think you look cool.

You nervous about the show tonight?

May I?

You know,
when I was your age...

your mom... would dress me up
in her pink tutu and a football helmet

and we would perform
the Rite of Spring in the living room.

Try to crack my parents up.

- Did you make 'em laugh?
- Yeah, oh yeah.

She was like my best friend.

I miss her.

I miss her too.

She's up in the stars with Dad.

Yeah.

That's where they came from.

We're made of stars.

We're made of stars.

When you die,
you come back up

and then the shooting stars,

they come down
into a woman, a man,

and then... they come out

and then, when they die,
they come back up.

That's pretty cool.

How do you know this?

I made it up.

You know,
if you love somebody

and they love you, I think,
that love doesn't go away.

It stays with you...

and it'll be up there with you tonight.

Hey, listen up!

I need the owner
of this dark gray sedan

to move it right now!

It's parked illegally!

Hey, Jared!
Jared, no, no.

No. Drop it. Drop it.
Stop it now! Stop it!

It's not for eating, it's for decorating.

This is your dad talkin',
this is not the law.

Put it down.

Hey, hun.

Even if Mike decides to move in
and become our dad,

he would still need a job.

He'd be a horrible farmer.

Didn't you say he sells real estate?

- Yeah.
- Well, what if he sells real estate here?

- Like, farms or something like that.
- Mm, yeah. Yeah.

Would we have to call him "Dad"?

No, he would hate that.

And plus, he's not a dad.
I mean, he's an uncle.

Just Mike.

Why are you eating the comb?

Yeah, that's not good for you.

I got a hair in my mouth.

Hey!

Hi, I'm so excited for tonight.
Break a leg.

- Oh, this looks great.
- We don't say that.

- Oh, you don't say that?
- We say, "Break a salad dressing."

- Okay.
- Because if you break your leg,

- you can't dance, so...
- Yeah, that makes sense.

Salad dressing?
No harm, no foul.

- The donuts are really good.
- I just saw this.

I had my eyes on this.
Alright, you guys.

- They're nice and powdery.
- Go get 'em.

Gonna be great out there.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Go in over there, alright?

No, no, wait for your entrance
over there, Estelle, okay?

- How many people are outside?
- Oh, there's about 500 people here.

- Amazing.
- Oh! This looks amazing.

- Hey, oh.
- It's gonna be great.

- Hey!
- Hi.

Hi, wow.

- What?
- Look at you.

- Yeah, look, here I am.
- Yeah. Yeah, you look, you look great.

- Thanks.
- Great to see you.

- Yeah, you too. This is so exciting.
- Yeah, yeah.

Did you see there's
a news crew out there?

Yeah, the guy showed up.

- I can't believe it.
- You did that?

Yeah, I mean, I figured, you know,

once the story gets out there,
we're gonna be like...

it'll be like a run on a bank
for the kids, you know?

Like a bidding war.
People will go crazy. I mean...

- Yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm sure they will.
- Yeah... Yeah.

Well, isn't that what
we've been looking...

I mean, that's what
we're trying to do, right?

I guess it is, yeah.

If it was up to the kids,
they'd hop a train to Kansas City.

- I know, it's weird.
- I just, uh, I don't know.

I thought that the past two weeks,
maybe things had changed.

- Changed what? Changed how?
- Wow.

You really are clueless, aren't you?

- What?
- Those boys are here, Michael.

- They followed you all the way here.
- I know, I know. Okay. Alright.

Come on, they've come
to need you and trust you.

They're... Oh, you need to take

- a phone call right now?
- Look, honestly, you don't know my life.

Okay? I love them.
They're amazing.

But there's no way on earth I can
take care of four pain-in-the-ass kids,

okay?

Hey.

Hey, buddy.

How long you been standin' there?

I heard what you said.

- I heard you.
- I, I didn't... It's not what I meant.

If you don't wanna take care of us,

you shouldn't have to.

Simon! Hey! Simon!

Simon!

You know, some people
can't have children.

Their bodies won't let them.

And a person might look at you
and those boys and think

that you might be the luckiest person
in the world.

Okay, you know what, Carol?
Really not a good time.

Devin is...
He's a moron.

He-He-He completely
screwed up the numbers.

I, I need you back here.

Tell me what it will take
to make that happen.

- You were right about everything.
- Oh.

Good evening everybody,

and welcome to the theater.

If we all could take our seats.

Please take your seats...

Simon?

Hey, Simon?

Hey! You got people parkin' their cars

all along the wrong side
of the street up there.

You gotta make up a... Ahh!

Justice!

Ah.

Hi. Hey, uh...

Hi.

No. Uh, I'm sorry, everybody.
I've got some bad news.

The show is canceled.

Uh, yeah, it's, uh, uh, due to,
due to some technical difficulties

that, uh, that have nothin'
to do with the kids.

I-It's not their fault, uh...

Anyway, um... I'm sorry.

And if, if you, uh, if you
want to get a refund,

you just go up
to the box office or, uh...

or to the website...

that I made.

Alright.

Mia?

They're gonna do the show
at the memorial, come on!

We're not dancing for Mike, guys.

If we do this, we're gonna be
dancing for Mom and Dad.

They're out here watching over us.

Excuse me, sir, uh, can you move?

Can we get the props from the trunk?

- You're sitting on the props.
- Oh, no, guys, I'm sorry.

- The show's canceled.
- Not anymore.

The show is about to begin.

Bravo!

Ahh.

Ow.

Uncle Mike, when I wake up tomorrow...

you still gonna be here?

Come here.

I'm not goin' anywhere.

- Hey, Mike.
- There he is.

- Are you really gonna stay?
- Maybe if we're nice.

Family hug.

Next, we can do Swan Lake.

I love you.

Mike, dance with me.

♪ Night time slows,
raindrops splash rainbows ♪

♪ Perhaps someone you know,
could sparkle and shine ♪

♪ As the daydreams slide
to color from shadow ♪

♪ Picture the moonglow,
that dazzles my eyes ♪

♪ And I love you ♪

♪ Just lying smiling in the dark ♪

♪ Shooting stars around your heart ♪

♪ Dreams come bouncing in your head ♪

♪ Pure and simple every time ♪

♪ Now you're crying in your sleep ♪

♪ I wish you'd never learnt to weep ♪

♪ Don't sell the dreams
you should be keeping ♪

♪ Pure and simple every time ♪

♪ Dream of sights,
of sleigh rides in seasons ♪

Come on, Uncle Mike!
Come on!

- Me?
- Yeah, come on!

Alright.

Come over here.
Let's jump this thing!

- Alright.
- Go!

- You wanna jump?
- Go!

Let's jump.

Woo!

Do it!

♪ And I love you ♪

♪ Just lying smiling in the dark ♪

♪ Shooting stars around your heart ♪

♪ Dreams come bouncing in your head ♪

♪ Pure and simple every time ♪

♪ Now you're crying in your sleep ♪

♪ I wish you'd never learnt to weep ♪

♪ Don't sell the dreams
you should be keeping ♪

♪ Pure and simple every time ♪

♪ Look at me with starry eyes ♪

♪ Push me up to starry skies ♪

♪ There's stardust in my head ♪

♪ Pure and simple every time ♪

♪ Fresh and deep as oceans new ♪

♪ Shiver at the sight of you ♪

♪ I'll sing a softer tune ♪

♪ Pure and simple over you ♪

♪ Pure and simple just for you ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

Mike, wake up!

Mike, are-are you dead?

Oh, no, I'm not dead,
I just landed on my face.

You said the trampoline was
gonna soften the landing,

but guess what?
It didn't.

Sorry, Mike.
I guess we flew too close to the sun

and our wings were made
of wax and feathers.