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1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:04,959
Mm! Would you mind if I filmed
your pedicure for my TikTok, Mam?
2
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,479
They get a proper kick out of
big, hairy feet.
3
00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:08,839
Knock yourself out, chick.
4
00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:11,279
What is it I've got on my face,
Lucinda?
5
00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:12,999
Garlic mayonnaise, hon.
6
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:14,719
Oh.
7
00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:16,599
Do any of yous fancy coming
for dinner
8
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,839
at Manjaros tomorrow night?
I've got a 30% off voucher.
9
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,999
Ooh! Absolutely. Yes, please!
I'm all for that.
10
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,119
What about you, Stewart?
11
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:24,240
I can't.
12
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:31,239
Care to give us a reason, Stewart?
13
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:34,599
Well, it's actually
my birthday tomorrow
14
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:36,839
and I usually do something
with my grandma, so...
15
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,559
You never said it's your birthday.
It's your birthday?
16
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:41,599
No idea it was your birthday, chick.
17
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:44,999
Why didn't you tell us, Stewart?
What is it, Stewart? The big 4-O?
18
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,679
I'm going to be 23.
19
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,479
Hmm. Try telling your
crow's feet that, hon.
20
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:50,759
Why don't you ask your grandma
21
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,599
if she wants to go to Manjaros
with us, Stu?
22
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:53,919
It's not really her cup of tea.
23
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:55,959
Well, we've got to do something
for your birthday, hon.
24
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,439
What are you doing during the day?
25
00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,079
Just working half day in the
morning.
26
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,679
You're working in that crap
carpet shop on your birthday?
27
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:03,919
Yeah, but I don't mind.
28
00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:06,159
I know, why don't we all
come and meet you
29
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:07,999
at the carpet shop in your break?
30
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:11,799
Oh! That's a lovely idea! Yeah!
That's nice!
31
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,120
NO!
32
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:16,599
Sorry.
33
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,159
I'd just prefer it if you didn't
come to the shop.
34
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,999
My work colleagues don't know
I'm gay and I'm just not ready
35
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,759
for them to find out.
36
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:25,880
Anyway, I'd best be off.
37
00:01:26,631 --> 00:01:32,319
Sorry, but does anyone else think
he's a proper little freak?
38
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:33,359
What are we going to do?
39
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:36,719
We can't just let him rot in that
carpet shop on his birthday.
40
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:39,519
You're absolutely right, chick.
41
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,799
But don't you worry.
42
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,320
I've got a plan.
43
00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:46,610
# Yeah
44
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,799
# Haters be ailing when they see me
Killing on the floor
45
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,639
# Looks like I'm missing competition
From the rest of y'all
46
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,479
# I know you're looking at me
I know you're wanting more
47
00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,479
# You like those apples?
Well, I'm bare baby to the core. #
48
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:04,199
Now remember, we're a heterosexual
nuclear family
49
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:08,960
here to visit our heterosexual
nephew on his heterosexual birthday.
50
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:14,280
# When I grow up
I'mma be a supermodel. #
51
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:19,799
And...go.
52
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,239
I'm Keith, from
Keith's World of Carpets
53
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:25,039
and I'm crackers about carpets, me!
54
00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,039
One carpet, two carpets,
three carpets.
55
00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:30,359
In fact, we've got thousands
of carpets
56
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:32,679
and we've got a variety
of all colours.
57
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:37,039
We've got grey, lighter grey,
darker grey, and we've managed
58
00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,319
to keep our prices down to
rock-bottom.
59
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:43,559
But don't you dare ask me
how we keep our prices so low
60
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,519
because it's a secret.
61
00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:47,119
Sh!
62
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,039
OK. I think we got it. Right.
63
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,439
Well, shove that on the social
media, Stewart, because I'm ready
64
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,120
to be...a viral smash.
65
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,400
Hey! Right, get your glasses on.
66
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,559
Let's see. Aye. Smile.
67
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:09,610
Yes.
68
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,319
Greetings, carpet lovers!
69
00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:15,919
I'm Keith, from
Keith's World of Carpets
70
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,479
and I'm crackers about carpets, me!
71
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:22,319
And may I say what a well executed
family you are?
72
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,479
Thank you, Keith. And may I say
what an honour it is to meet
73
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:29,719
such a wonderfully successful
local businessman such as yourself.
74
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,040
Enchante.
75
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:37,839
And I'm the husband
of this very real family.
76
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:42,359
Well, I am euphoric to meet
you both, Mr and Mrs...
77
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:43,399
Um...
78
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,319
Uh... ..Plimsoll! ..Parker Bowles!
79
00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:48,439
Um...
80
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:49,920
Plimsoll Parker Bowles!
81
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,439
And who have we here?
82
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:56,839
These are our very beautiful twin
daughters, Mary Kate and Ashley.
83
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,639
And how old are you girls?
84
00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:00,079
I'm ten. 36.
85
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:03,079
THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY
86
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,119
And are you too old...
87
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,600
..for a lollipop?
Oh, cheers, Keith.
88
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,279
HE SCREAMS
Oh, my Christ! What's wrong, Keith?
89
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:15,359
I've just remembered how cheap
my carpets are,
90
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:17,199
and I got a shock of my life!
91
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:18,879
I can't lie to you, Keith.
92
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:21,279
We're not actually here
for the carpets.
93
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:24,519
We thought we'd pop in and surprise
our nephew, who works here.
94
00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:25,799
It's his birthday today.
95
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,399
I didn't know we had
a staff birthday.
96
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,800
Who's your nephew?
His name's Stewart.
97
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:35,799
Ah, well, now, you see,
we've got three Stewarts
98
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,479
working at Keith's World of Carpets,
99
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:40,239
so you're going
to have to be a bit more specific.
100
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:41,679
Well, he's a dumpy little lad.
101
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,879
Looks quite a lot older
than his years.
102
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,439
Well, all the Stewarts working
here are young and svelte.
103
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:49,799
You'll recognise him on account
of his macho heterosexualness.
104
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:53,079
Yeah, and his big,
masculine blue eyes.
105
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,879
Yeah. Ha! He's always ogling his
auntie's boobies.
106
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,279
CHUCKLES
God bless him.
107
00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:00,359
You know, I know exactly
the Stewart you mean.
108
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:01,679
I'll pop in and get him.
109
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,759
But before I do, do you have time
to have a little gander
110
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,559
at our new range of carpets?
111
00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:08,439
We've got a brand-new colour in.
112
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,399
Oh, what is it?
113
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:11,439
Ginger.
114
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:13,639
Oh! Come with me,
115
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:16,799
Mrs Plimsoll Parker Bowles,
and I'll show you
116
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,280
what paradise looks like.
117
00:05:20,951 --> 00:05:25,159
Do you think he thinks
we're a real family?
118
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,239
Oh, he definitely believed me.
119
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:28,959
I think you were being a bit too
over the top
120
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:32,319
as Daughter Two, to be honest.
I thought I was Daughter One.
121
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:33,799
You were, but I gave the part to
Sal,
122
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,210
because she's playing a bit more
naturalistic.
123
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,640
FORKLIFT BUGGY BEEPS
124
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,839
Like a virgin... No.
125
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:50,239
Right, lads, if there was any
celebrity lass that you had to bang,
126
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:51,519
who would it be?
127
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,199
It's Maya Jama all fucking day.
128
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,759
Yeah, mate.
129
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:56,599
Dua Lipa for me.
130
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,519
What about you, Stewart?
131
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,199
Um...it's a tough one.
132
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,199
It's difficult. Yeah, it's tough.
133
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,279
I think I'd go for...
134
00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:07,800
..Lorraine Kelly.
135
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,559
Oi! Stewart!
136
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:12,599
ALL: Yeah?
137
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,759
You didn't tell me it was your
birthday, you little Doyle.
138
00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,599
How did you know? Well, there's
a drag queen, a gay lad
139
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,070
and some very unconvincing twins
here to see you.
140
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:24,360
Excuse me, Keith. Sorry.
141
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:28,039
HE SCREAMS
Fucking hell!
142
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:29,159
What's the matter, Keith?
143
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,479
I've just remembered
how cheap my carpets are.
144
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,130
Some good deals, to be fair.
They are good deals, like.
145
00:06:41,111 --> 00:06:46,359
I can't believe Stewart kicked us
out of that carpet shop.
146
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,639
Maybe it was a bad idea,
us all going along.
147
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,199
Well, have you bought that
carpet, Mam?
148
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,519
You've just had freshly laid
laminates.
149
00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,159
Keith is a very persuasive man.
150
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:57,599
DOOR OPENS
Stewart.
151
00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:59,719
Why the hell would you
turn up to my work
152
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,559
when I literally told yous not to?
153
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,599
Now all my colleagues probably
suspect I'm gay
154
00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:04,879
and I'm proper freaking out!
155
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,559
Why would they think
you're gay, hon?
156
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,439
Loads of straight people
have queer friends.
157
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:09,719
Look at me, for instance.
158
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:11,239
I'm queen of the fag hags.
159
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,959
Yeah, and I'm sorry, but my
heterosexual acting as the dad
160
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,799
was so butch.
161
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,959
I can be really macho
when I want to be.
162
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,519
Oh, say something macho.
163
00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,279
Hey, I'll knock you out,
you little divvy!
164
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:24,519
It's like Phil Mitchell's
in the frigging room!
165
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:25,919
I've been thinking about it, Stu,
166
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,119
and I really don't think your
workmates would care.
167
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:31,039
Most people don't give a shit
what goes up your bum any more.
168
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,090
I just...
169
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,570
I'm scared of it getting back
to my grandma.
170
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:38,559
Well, look...
171
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:41,160
..I promise we won't surprise you
at work again.
172
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,119
Well, I'd just like to raise
a milkshake to Stewart
173
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,919
on his birthday.
174
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,839
Happy birthday, little gaylord.
175
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:53,120
Happy birthday! Yeah, cheers,
Stewart. Oh, hang on.
176
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,999
# Happy birthday to you
177
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,399
# Happy birthday to you
178
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:06,679
# Happy birthday
dear Stewart
179
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:11,080
# Happy birthday to you. #
180
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:13,999
Is that a salmon?
181
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,879
Yeah, they ran out of cakes.
182
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,680
Cut the salmon and make
a wish, Stewart.
183
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,280
And get out of my seat.
184
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:30,439
What about doing something later
tonight for your birthday, hon?
185
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:31,679
After you've met your grandma.
186
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:34,039
I suppose I could do something
afterwards, aye.
187
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:35,999
Is there anywhere you fancy
going, chick?
188
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,999
Actually, I did see this
club night advertised.
189
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,039
Beefcake, I think it was called.
190
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,759
Oh-ho! Aye! I've frequented
Beefcake many a time!
191
00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:46,639
My God, I fucking love Beefcake!
192
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,440
I'm buzzing! I'm totally
up for a club!
193
00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:54,159
Ah. Well, it's a different type of
club to the one
194
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,239
we normally go to, Lucinda, chick.
195
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:57,719
What kind of club is it?
196
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:01,959
Well, it's got sort of, um...
Like, a guest list-type of venue.
197
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,599
Eh? What are you on about?
198
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,399
Well, it's got kind of
strict entry policy.
199
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,639
You're going to have to be more
specific, Mam.
200
00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:12,039
Oh, fuck's sake!
It's a men-only club, babe.
201
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:13,359
You're joking, aren't you?
202
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,319
Look, we can go out one night
next week when we're all together.
203
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,279
Nah, I'm not having this!
204
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:21,519
How can they bar women from going?
That's proper sexist!
205
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:24,839
Don't worry. We can go somewhere
else. I don't mind.
206
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:28,199
No, Stewart! It's your birthday
and you want to go to Beefcake,
207
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,439
so we're going to go to Beefcake.
208
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,759
Ooh! And I'm going to pull,
I reckon!
209
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,839
You're only saying that
because you want to go.
210
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:36,239
No, I'm not!
211
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:38,319
I can wear my new slutty shorts.
212
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:40,599
Sal, can you actually believe
what you're hearing?
213
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,159
Absolutely fuming, babe.
214
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,759
Oh, don't be like that, Lucinda!
It's just one night.
215
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,479
And what if it's the best
night of your lives?
216
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:49,640
Well, I'm sorry, chick, but I think
it'll be good for Stewart.
217
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,400
SHE SIGHS
Fine.
218
00:09:53,401 --> 00:09:56,839
But me and Sal are going to go
on a night out to Flares,
219
00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,039
and we're actually going to
have the best night of our lives.
220
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,639
Aren't we, Sal? Oh, aye. Really
excited to go out tonight
221
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,319
and have the best night
of our lives.
222
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:04,879
Haway then, Stewart!
Let's go shopping.
223
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:06,679
I'm going to buy you a new outfit.
224
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,999
My birthday treat. Ooh!
225
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,120
Ooh, I'm thinking cowboy chaps!
Hey, I'm coming!
226
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:15,399
So, what are you going to wear
to Flares?
227
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,719
We're not going to Flares, hon.
228
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:20,679
But I thought you just said... That
was to throw them off the scent.
229
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,759
We're going to Beefcake.
230
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,640
LUCINDA SLURPS
231
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:30,720
Mam's got to have some suitable
clothes for Beefcake somewhere.
232
00:10:30,721 --> 00:10:35,399
I'm a proper little detective
when I want to be, you know, hon.
233
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,959
I did an Alice In Wonderland
escape room once.
234
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,879
Did you escape? Nearly.
235
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,159
But then I drank a bit too much
at the Mad Hatter's tea party
236
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,319
and ended up getting off
with Tweedledum.
237
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,959
Then he just let me out
the fire exit. Urgh!
238
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,959
Where the hell does Mam
keep her kinky clothes?
239
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,850
What about that trunk that says,
"Mam's kinky clothes"?
240
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,480
Sounds about right.
241
00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:59,199
What are we doing here, Mam?
242
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,799
I thought you said
we were going shopping.
243
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:02,240
You'll see, chick.
244
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,439
HE LAUGHS
Mam!
245
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,639
Oh! Roxie!
246
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:17,319
Mwah! Mwah!
247
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:18,759
When you called us, Mam,
248
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,959
we were literally just talking
about you this morning.
249
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:24,159
We were literally just talking
about you this morning.
250
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,279
Hiya, Dickie. Hiya.
251
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,079
Who have we got here?
252
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:29,759
Hiya. I'm Stewart.
253
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,519
Lovely to meet you, Stewart.
254
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,479
I'm Roxy.
255
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,479
This is Stan. And I'm Stan.
256
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,519
What can we do for you,
lovely earthlings?
257
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:42,319
Well, it's Stewart's birthday
today, and we're taking him
258
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:44,839
for his first night out...
259
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,359
..at Beefcake.
260
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,599
So you might need a little bit
of assistance.
261
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,479
Happy birthday, pet.
262
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,590
Well, you've come
to just the right place.
263
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,079
Oh!
264
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:01,839
I didn't know Mr Blobby was a kink.
265
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,199
You can find a kink in anything
these days, lad.
266
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,719
You've got to find something
you feel comfortable in, pet.
267
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:07,799
Roxy's right.
268
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:08,999
If you don't feel confident,
269
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:12,599
how are you going to get
your slut on? Wise words, Stan.
270
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,039
Here. You should have that printed
on a T-shirt.
271
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,520
We do.
272
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,160
Oh.
273
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:28,199
I don't know what half
this stuff does.
274
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,280
SHE BURPS
275
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,879
What?
276
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:39,930
Look at this.
277
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:44,799
Who's that, like?
278
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,279
It looks like Mam might be a dad.
279
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:50,750
Why the hell wouldn't she tell us
she's got a son?
280
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:52,800
SAL FARTS
281
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:06,719
I'm gutted.
282
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,479
I wanted to wear my leather daddy
outfit, but I couldn't find it.
283
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,119
No idea where that's gone.
284
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,120
This queue's taking forever.
285
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,679
Oh. Er, hiya, Neil. Hiya.
286
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,279
What are you doing here?
287
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,319
Well, Lucinda mentioned you were
having a lads' night out
288
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:24,799
for Stewart's birthday, so I thought
I'd pop along.
289
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:28,719
Um...are you aware of the type of
lads' night we're having, Neil?
290
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,239
I went on a lads' night with my
cousin once.
291
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:34,639
I had three tequilas and I downed
a pint of pale ale.
292
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:36,719
Er...
293
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,159
excuse me!
294
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,199
He's going to have to go
to the back of the queue.
295
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,999
We can't just have people
pushing in.
296
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,519
Oh, piss off, Gordon! Or I'll tell
your wife you're here.
297
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,199
How did you know it was me?
298
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,039
I'd recognise those nipples
anywhere.
299
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:49,959
Oh!
300
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,680
Where the bloody hell is Stewart?
Here, hold that.
301
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,879
Do you want your birthday
present now?
302
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:03,320
Aw! You didn't need to get me
anything, Grandma.
303
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,000
But go on.
304
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:15,840
Good lad.
305
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,400
Oh, wow!
306
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,439
So many pairs.
307
00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:29,119
Thanks, Grandma.
308
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:31,559
Well, I just hope they're all
the right size.
309
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:36,160
Well, it does say sizes 6 to 15,
so you'd hope.
310
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:39,770
Thank you.
311
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:49,519
Hey, is that that Sam Smith?
312
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,879
He used to be such a handsome man.
313
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,680
What's happened to him?
314
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,999
When did men stop acting like men?
315
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,319
I don't know, Grandma.
316
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,639
Promise me you'll never
wear anything like that.
317
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:03,800
It's perverted!
318
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,440
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
319
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:19,840
Cheers! Cheers!
320
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,600
Oh! Whoo!
321
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:26,319
Ooh, hiya, chick.
322
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:27,919
Oh! Hiya, Mam.
323
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:29,839
Where have your clothes gone, Neil?
324
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,040
Doorman told me I had to put them
in a bin bag.
325
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,639
Yeah, I'm...I'm not sure
that was the doorman, babe.
326
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:40,319
I think I may have misunderstood
your version of a lads' night,
327
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,199
if I'm honest. Haway, Neil,
I'll give you a tour.
328
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,440
MAM LAUGHS
329
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:51,440
Wahey!
LAUGHTER
330
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:58,559
Remember, Sal, we're big,
sturdy men with big willies.
331
00:15:58,560 --> 00:15:59,610
Gotcha.
332
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,240
You all right? Woof!
333
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,920
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
334
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,280
QUIETLY: Oh, for fuck's sake.
335
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:16,159
Look, Harrison - it's Gary Lineker.
336
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,279
It's more like Barry Vinegar!
337
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,639
THEY LAUGH
338
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:22,239
What does that even mean?
You silly bitch!
339
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:23,839
I'd better put my reading
glasses on,
340
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,639
because I just read you like a
whore!
341
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:30,039
Hunty, you just got savaged, OK?
342
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:31,519
Yas, queen!
343
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:35,760
THEY TRILL
344
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,479
Ah! Ooh! Whoo!
345
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,999
THEY WHOOP
346
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,920
WHOOPING AND TRILLING CONTINUES
347
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,400
SNORING WITHIN
348
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:59,000
SNORING CONTINUES
349
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:09,120
DOOR CREAKS
350
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,559
DANCE MUSIC AND LAUGHTER WITHIN
351
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,040
Cheers, mate.
352
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:30,840
Haway, Stewart!
353
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,080
You lads see the game last Sunday?
354
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:53,490
I did.
355
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,759
I can't believe Glover let
that goal in.
356
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,399
Yeah, I know.
357
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,450
Unbelievable.
358
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,640
Bacardi and Coke, please.
359
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:21,960
All right, Gordon?
Long time, no see.
360
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,279
Christ's sake!
361
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:28,319
Eeh, I'm sweating my tits
off in this leather daddy outfit.
362
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,399
Hey! Hiya, Gordon!
363
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,639
Damn these distinguishable nipples!
364
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:37,959
Here, I've entered us into a
competition for best dressed.
365
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,919
There's a cash prize.
Ah, sound.
366
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,679
We're going to win and show Mam
and Dickie that we've every right
367
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,080
to be in this all men's club.
368
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:47,399
Pinot, please.
369
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,360
GRUFFLY: Oh, a...pint of it, mate.
370
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:11,880
MAM: Stewart.
371
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,799
Stewart!
372
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,599
You made it, chick.
373
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:17,839
Ooh!
374
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,520
Let me show you around.
375
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,359
Cheers, mate.
376
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:28,320
I am pigshite sick of fems
infiltrating my club.
377
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:36,559
This club is meant to
be for men who want men!
378
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:37,610
Mm...
379
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,919
It's absolutely disgusting.
380
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,359
Anyway, hello!
381
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:51,799
My name's Victor.
382
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:53,759
I'm the organiser of the night.
383
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,239
Nice to meet you. I'm...
384
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:59,679
..Leonardo, and this is my
pup, DiCaprio.
385
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:00,730
Woof.
386
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,840
Seen they've closed that junction
on the A19?
387
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,240
Bloody nightmare.
388
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:38,159
You having a nice time, Stewart?
389
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:39,879
I think so, aye.
390
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:42,439
I'm just...getting my bearings.
391
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:45,119
You want me to ask around, see
if anyone'll suck your willy?
392
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,720
Nah, you're all right.
393
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:51,239
Dickie, can I ask you a question?
394
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,719
You're not sucking my willy, hun.
395
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,119
No. Not that.
396
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,999
Do you think people judge us,
397
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,079
wearing these sorts of things?
398
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:00,999
Oh, aye, course they do.
399
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,719
Does that not bother you?
400
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:07,959
Listen, even though I'm in my...
401
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,079
..mid to late twenties,
402
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,399
I've lived long enough to realise
403
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,719
that you can't give two shiny shits
what people think, hun.
404
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,679
I've been where you are now,
and...
405
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:20,519
..I know that it's terrifying
to be yourself, but..
406
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,279
..once you finally get there,
407
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,760
you'll feel freedom
you never thought was possible.
408
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:28,880
Thanks, Dickie.
409
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:33,559
Shit me!
HE CHUCKLES
410
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,279
I think I've had too many of these
Jagers.
411
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,239
I'm getting soppy as fuck.
412
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:38,290
HE LAUGHS
413
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:42,199
Paul! Oh, my God, it's Paul!
414
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,599
HE CACKLES
415
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,400
Where'd you get that from?
416
00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:01,639
I'd love to wear a gorgeous,
tight PVC vest.
417
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:04,999
Cover me recognisable nipples,
but...
418
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:06,280
..get terrible chafage.
419
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:08,479
I hear you, babe.
420
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:10,119
Howay, Sal, we've got to get to the
stage.
421
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,560
The competition's starting.
422
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:14,920
See you later, Gordon.
423
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:32,170
HE EXHALES QUIETLY
424
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:50,850
Here he is!
425
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:54,319
Oh, stunning, chick.
426
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,279
Ah, thanks, Mam.
427
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:57,840
You look sensational.
428
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,920
That's Tom. He says that to
everyone.
429
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,199
Are we ready to crown the best
dressed of the night?
430
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,440
APPLAUSE
431
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:15,680
And the winner of Best Dressed
is...
432
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:19,519
..Leonardo!
Yes!
433
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:21,439
Oh! Hey!
434
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,079
Thanks, mate. Thank you.
435
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:24,279
Thank you very much.
436
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:26,439
That's my leather daddy outfit.
437
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,000
What are you on about?
438
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:30,359
Hang on -
439
00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:32,679
that's frigging Lucinda.
440
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,320
Oh, I'm going to wring her bloody
neck!
441
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,559
I am fuming!
442
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:42,759
I searched for my leather
daddy outfit for two hours.
443
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,999
Turns out you nabbed it,
you thieving bastard.
444
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,359
I have no idea what you're talking
about, mate.
445
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:51,319
Erm, this is a competition for best
dressed men -
446
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,279
so get off the stage,
Mrs Troutfire.
447
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:57,599
Oh! Well, guess what,
Victor Starshite?
448
00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:00,639
You just crowned a woman!
449
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,079
CROWD GASPS
450
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:04,039
Do you really think it's acceptable
to rummage
451
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:05,639
through someone else's stuff?
452
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:08,759
Do you really think it's acceptable
to not tell your best friend
453
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,319
that you've got an actual son?
454
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,880
CROWD GASPS
What?
455
00:24:14,081 --> 00:24:17,399
How the hell did you find that out?
456
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:19,119
I rummaged through your stuff.
457
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:20,799
Right, you're disqualified.
458
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:24,440
Now, get your feminine arses
out of my extremely masculine club!
459
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,719
Oh! Yes, boys, get them out!
460
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:30,039
Get them out!
461
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:32,239
Go on! Go on!
462
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:33,799
CROWD JEERS
463
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:35,399
Come on, Dickie. Put him down.
464
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,600
You're just jealous
I had a better 'tache.
465
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:42,879
Out. Go on, out.
466
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:44,599
Get out of here!
467
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:45,920
Go on, move it!
468
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,919
Night, Gordon. Sweet dreams,
Gordon. Ta-ra, Gordon.
469
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:56,479
Give my regards to your wife.
470
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:57,530
Aww!
471
00:24:57,531 --> 00:25:02,039
Eeh, I'm sorry we went to that night
without you, girls.
472
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:06,159
Next time, if we all can't go,
no-one goes.
473
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:07,480
Oh, thanks, Mam.
474
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,159
So why have you never told
us about your son?
475
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:13,959
Nobody's ever asked.
476
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:17,719
Do you see him much?
Oh, not in a long time, chick.
477
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:22,119
His mam stopped me seeing him
when she found out I did drag.
478
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:23,679
Eh? What do you mean?
479
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,239
Ooh, I had it all.
480
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,919
Poofter, paedo, pervert.
481
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:31,239
By choosing to put on a frock
and a pair of tits
482
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:33,999
and love the people I wish to
love...
483
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,880
..I chose to sacrifice everything.
484
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,879
She... She took him away from me.
485
00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:42,999
And how's she allowed to do that?
486
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,199
Well, back in the day,
487
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,559
dad in a frock didn't have a leg to
stand on
488
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:48,440
when it came to custody, chick.
489
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:51,920
I was a good frigging dad.
490
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:56,840
I'd have done anything for him.
491
00:25:56,841 --> 00:26:00,439
Well, have you tried reaching
out recently?
492
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:02,719
Oh, he'll be a teenager now.
493
00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:05,159
Wouldn't want to see a haggard
old sack of potatoes like me.
494
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:06,839
Probably just embarrass him.
495
00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:10,200
You're the fittest sack
of potatoes I've ever seen, Mam.
496
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:17,040
We're all just exploring
who we truly are, aren't we?
497
00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:21,719
Unfortunately, in the world
we live in,
498
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,670
there's always someone chasing
after us with a pitchfork.
499
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:32,360
See, folk like us often need to find
a new pitchforkless family.
500
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,080
You know what, chicks?
501
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:40,280
I chose
wisely with you bunch of wankers.
502
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:48,959
Hang on.
503
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:50,640
Where the hell is Neil?
504
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,199
CROWD CHANTS: Neil! Neil! Neil!
Neil!
505
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:57,759
Neil! Neil! Neil! Neil!
506
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:01,519
Neil! Neil! Neil! Neil!
507
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:05,199
Neil! Neil! Neil! Neil!
508
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:07,199
Neil! Neil! Neil!
509
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:08,799
MUSIC: Need of U
by Aquaholics feat. Sayfro
510
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,359
# I'm in need of you
511
00:27:10,360 --> 00:27:12,399
# I'm in need of you
512
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,359
# I'm in need of you
513
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:16,320
# I'm in need of you. #
514
00:27:16,370 --> 00:27:20,920
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