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1
00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:21,999
DOOR UNLOCKS, CREAKS
2
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,920
THUNDER RUMBLES
3
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:36,919
You're joking, aren't you?
4
00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:40,119
DOOR CREAKING
5
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:41,480
Hello?
6
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,159
Who the fuck is in my house?!
7
00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:07,199
I've been expecting you.
8
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,279
Ahhh! Ahhh!
9
00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:11,639
Why the hell are you
pointing a gun at me?!
10
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:13,839
Why the hell are you in my house
in the dark?!
11
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:16,599
Hiya! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh!
12
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,119
Anyone want a glass of Pinot?
Ahhh! Ahhh!
13
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,279
Why are we screaming?!
14
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:25,920
Ahhh! Let me in, lads,
I'm soaking out here.
15
00:01:25,921 --> 00:01:29,119
Why are yous all here?
Have you forgotten?
16
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,919
It's games night
and it's my turn to host.
17
00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:33,799
Eh, I'm sorry, chick.
18
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:37,079
It must have completely slipped
my mind. What is it this month?
19
00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:39,239
Jenga? It's a murder mystery.
20
00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:42,119
I've written it myself
and, uh, I'm not one
21
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:44,360
to toot my own trumpet, but...
22
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:50,039
..it's absolutely fantastic.
23
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:51,279
THUNDER CRACKS
24
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,799
Can we get started, please?
Everyone, take a seat.
25
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,159
Oh! Stewart.
26
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,090
Yours is the little
teeny weeny chair.
27
00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:06,719
Welcome to Middlesbrough Manor.
28
00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:08,759
Ooooh!
29
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:11,999
You've been summoned here today
because you're all connected
30
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,759
to the recently deceased
lord of the manor,
31
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:17,119
Sir Humphrey Fishbrain.
32
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:21,159
And he's mentioned each
one of you in his will.
33
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:23,439
Oh! Eeh, money, money, money!
34
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:24,919
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
35
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:28,599
It's about bloody time. Thank you.
That's enough now. Thank you.
36
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:32,439
On the table in front of you are
your character introductions.
37
00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:37,119
We'll start with the person
on my right.
38
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,239
And I will just say this.
39
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:42,919
Strap yourselves in,
because you're about to go on
40
00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:44,680
the ride of your lives.
41
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,439
My name is... Oh!
42
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,919
Big donkey bollocks!
43
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:55,559
I left the groceries in the hall.
Me frozen peas will be dripping.
44
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:59,439
Excuse me while I put them away.
I'll help you, Mam.
45
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,199
Can I get anyone a bevvy
from the kitchen?
46
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:02,839
Rum and cherry cola, please, Mam.
47
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,079
Do you mind bringing the bottle
of Pinot through? Course, chicks.
48
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,719
Can yous be quick, please?!
49
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,520
Right. My...
50
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,239
What's taking so long?!
51
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,999
Have you had any more thoughts
about telling your grandma
52
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,919
that you're into boys, chick?
Nah. I don't think I'm ready
53
00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:24,879
for her to know yet, to be honest.
54
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,799
Aw. You know what I always say?
55
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:30,039
We're here for you
if you ever need owt.
56
00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,039
Thanks, Mam.
Oh, you're joking, aren't you?
57
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,119
What's the matter? These cheese
and bacon quiches go off today.
58
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:39,839
Right? I bought 15 of the bastards.
59
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,359
Oh!
60
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,480
Here. Here.
61
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:48,719
These have got to be eaten,
so tuck in.
62
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:51,279
There you go, hon.
I love a bit of quiche.
63
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:54,399
Right. Can we start
this murder mystery, please?
64
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,039
LUCINDA CLEARS HER THROAT
65
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:59,559
My name is Mrs Lorraine Fishbrain,
66
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:03,239
and I am the bereft wife
of the deceased.
67
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,759
He loved me so much
and never cheated on me,
68
00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:09,079
especially with the vicar.
69
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:13,679
And so I expect to receive
the majority of my husband's estate.
70
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,559
Absolutely fascinating.
71
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,159
Your turn, Vicar.
72
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:21,319
My name is Reverend Charlie Church.
73
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,199
I was the deceased's vicar
and confidant.
74
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:27,479
He spoke to me every day
through the glory hole
75
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,639
in my confessional box.
76
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:33,599
A lot of information was passed
through that hole and I was happy
77
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:38,079
to receive it. I expect to get
the majority of his estate.
78
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,959
Oh! Wow.
79
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,199
My name is Dr Ian Significant.
80
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,999
I was the personal doctor
of the deceased,
81
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,039
despite having the appearance
of a...
82
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,159
..weird goblin.
83
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:54,639
Go on, Dr Ian,
read the whole thing.
84
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,119
I truly am a grotesque troll
85
00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:01,479
from the underworld,
I think you'll all agree.
86
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:05,319
I expect to receive the majority
of his estate.
87
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,560
Very interesting.
88
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,719
My name is Mrs Plumcock.
89
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:21,039
I was chef to the deceased...
Plumcock.
90
00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:23,479
I mean, I'm having trouble
connecting with Mrs Plumcock
91
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:24,719
as a character.
92
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:27,679
I know she was a chef,
but what made her tick?
93
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,359
Well, that's for you
to work out, Mam.
94
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:32,119
But only you can go inside the mind
of Mrs Plumcock.
95
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:33,199
Embody her.
96
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,359
Go method.
97
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,600
Method.
98
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,399
Mam?
99
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,450
Mam!
100
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,279
THEY SCREAM
101
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,879
Hiya. How'd you get changed
so quick, Mam?
102
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:52,360
Years of practice, chick.
103
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:56,239
Right, let's keep the momentum
going, please.
104
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,959
My name is Mrs Plumcock.
105
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,959
I was chef to the deceased.
106
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,679
Humphrey absolutely loved my food.
107
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:08,799
His favourite was
pigs in blankets...in pigs,
108
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,439
which involved a sausage
wrapped in bacon
109
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:13,159
wrapped in a hog roast.
110
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,079
I fed him until his dying breath,
111
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,839
so I expect to get the majority
of his estate.
112
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,119
Thank you, Mrs Plumcock.
113
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:22,159
No, thank you.
114
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:25,759
No, thank you.
115
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,760
No, thank you.
116
00:06:27,761 --> 00:06:31,239
Come on.
Get tucked into these quiches.
117
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:34,959
No quiches until we finish the game!
118
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,919
Well, as long as we don't go
past midnight.
119
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,400
These quiches go off today.
120
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:44,159
I will now read Sir Humphrey's will.
121
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,479
THUNDER RUMBLES
122
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,519
DICKIE CLEARS THROAT
123
00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:53,359
"To my wife, whom I loved
and cherished for many years,
124
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:57,719
"I leave...nothing." Oh!
GASPING
125
00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:00,679
"To my chef,
who fed me delicious meals
126
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,400
"on a daily basis, I leave..."
127
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:07,039
"..nothing."
MAM SIGHS
128
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,279
"To my weird goblin doctor,
129
00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:11,879
"I leave a piece of advice."
130
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,159
Oh!
131
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,720
"Exfoliate."
132
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,519
"And, finally, to my vicar.
133
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,159
"You made me the happiest
I've ever been.
134
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,999
"I leave to you my entire estate!"
135
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,360
GASPING, LIGHTNING CRACKS
136
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:32,239
Somebody's murdered
Reverend Charlie Church!
137
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:35,040
THEY SCREAM
138
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:44,319
ZIP OPENS, CLATTERING
139
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:45,479
Where is it?
140
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,440
ZIP CLOSES
141
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,439
Hello, everybody.
142
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,519
My name is Detective Sexy,
143
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,439
and I've heard on the grapevine
144
00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:59,959
that this poor little religious
vicar fella has been murdered,
145
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:03,799
and all of yous lot have a motive.
146
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:08,079
Nobody leaves this room
until we solve this crime.
147
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,719
DOORBELL RINGS, GASPING
Who the pigging hell's that?
148
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,199
Oh, that'll be Neil.
149
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,279
Fuck's sake.
150
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:15,599
I haven't got a part for him.
151
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,399
Hey, Stewart.
152
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,399
Will you...have a sneaky quiche?
153
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,640
Go on, then.
154
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,439
Hiya, everyone. Hiya, Neil.
Hi, Neil.
155
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:27,599
Is Sal all right?
156
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,279
Nah, Neil,
she's been murdered.
157
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,279
Well, actually,
Reverend Charlie Church
158
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:32,639
has been murdered.
159
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,239
And everyone in this room
is a suspect.
160
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:36,599
Reverend was due to inherit
161
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,159
Sir Humphrey Fishbrain's
entire estate, Neil.
162
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:40,639
Oh, right.
163
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,559
Well, I brought Pringles,
if anybody wants one.
164
00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:44,039
MAM: Oh, fantastic!
165
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,199
I'll put them in a bowl.
We haven't got time for a bowl!
166
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,199
There's been a fucking murder!
167
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:52,199
Right. Neil, I need you to be
security guard.
168
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,479
You're the bouncer, and you've got
to guard this lounge
169
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:57,679
until we've discovered who murdered
Reverend Charlie Church.
170
00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,279
Guard it with your life.
171
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:00,519
Understand, Neil?
I'm on it.
172
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:02,639
Everyone, sit back down.
173
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:05,279
Oh. I need to get to the bottom
of this,
174
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:09,240
for I am...Detective Sexy.
175
00:09:09,241 --> 00:09:11,839
I'll just pop and see if Neil
wants a drink.
176
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,720
I won't be a minute, hon.
DICKIE GROANS
177
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,679
Can I get you a drink, babe?
178
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:22,319
Oh, best not, darling.
I'm on the job.
179
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:26,159
Hey, Neil, have you ever thought
about becoming a bouncer?
180
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,319
Really suits you.
181
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:33,319
Huh. Well, maybe I can get you
a special VIP wristband,
182
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:34,799
if you're lucky.
183
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:38,559
Well, maybe I can show you
my driver's licence
184
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,639
as a form of ID
185
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,720
in order to gain entry.
186
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:50,159
Here, you'll never guess who I saw
on Grindr the other week.
187
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,279
Who? Liam from down the road.
188
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:53,519
What, the one who looks
like a seagull?
189
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:55,679
Yeah, that's him,
but he's had a nose job,
190
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,239
so he looks like a pigeon now.
191
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:58,680
Hey, I've got to see this.
192
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:03,200
Hang on.
193
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,239
What's the matter, Dickie?
194
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,479
Why can I not
see you on Grindr, Stewart?
195
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,239
I mean, you should be less than
a metre away.
196
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:19,399
Have you blocked me?
197
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,959
I don't actually have it.
198
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:22,010
I never have.
199
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,840
You're weird as fuck, you are,
Stewart.
200
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:33,919
Well, I best get back to my friends
inside, Mr Bouncer.
201
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:37,920
Next time, I'll let you give me
a full body search.
202
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:42,039
Not tonight, darling.
203
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:43,399
You what?
204
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,479
You've had a bit too much to drink.
205
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,000
I think you'd better get yourself
off to bed.
206
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,279
Oh, please let me in.
207
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,079
All my mates are inside.
208
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,519
I swear I've only had one
glass of wine.
209
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,439
NEIL SIGHS
210
00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:58,999
No, but seriously,
let me in now, hon.
211
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,359
Walk around the block,
212
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:04,160
get yourself a coffee and then,
maybe I'll let you in.
213
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,279
DOOR CLOSES
214
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,759
A good profile pic is extremely
important
215
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:25,999
if you want to get a lad over.
216
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,319
Give us a pout, Stewart.
217
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,599
Mm. Try pursing your lips
a bit more, chick.
218
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:38,319
You know, a pout needs to say,
"I'm flirty, but I'm also kind.
219
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,959
"But I also won't take any bullshit.
220
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,400
"But I can also show vulnerability."
221
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:46,239
Yeah, that's it.
222
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:47,839
Right, you're good to go, Stewart.
223
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,079
Now you can chat to all
the local horny gay men.
224
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,519
No need to thank me.
225
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,919
Do you think my grandma will be able
to see that I'm on here?
226
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,959
Well, is your grandma a homosexual
in the local area
227
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,399
looking to meet like-minded
homosexuals
228
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:58,919
for a good time, Stewart?
229
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,159
I wouldn't have thought so.
230
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:01,559
Then I think you'll be all right,
hon.
231
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,799
LUCINDA SIGHS
Soz about that.
232
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,519
I was just sobering up.
233
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,630
Right, can we get back to it then,
please?
234
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,119
DICKIE CLEARS THROAT
235
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,439
Which one of you was so jealous
of Reverend Charlie Church
236
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:22,759
receiving the inheritance that
you couldn't stand to see him live
237
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,439
another second?
238
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:27,039
THEY SCREAM
239
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,999
Sal!
You're supposed to be dead!
240
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,759
I've got to have a piss, babe.
DICKIE SIGHS
241
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:33,319
Can't we just keep playing
without Sal?
242
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,799
I mean, she's dead, hon.
243
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:37,959
No, we can't just keep playing
without the dead body, Lucinda.
244
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,719
It's central to the entire game!
245
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,599
Hey, I've got an idea!
246
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,959
Why don't I make some Bloody Mams?
247
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,199
What's a Bloody Mam, Mam?
248
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,719
Well, it's like a Bloody Mary,
249
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,279
but with a special secret
ingredient.
250
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:50,759
Ooh, I'd go for one of those!
251
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,319
And me. Fuck's sake!
252
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,520
DOORBELL RINGS
Who's this now?!
253
00:12:58,520 --> 00:12:59,999
Oh, hiya, babe.
254
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,879
What are you doing here?
255
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:03,160
Your gerbil's dead.
256
00:13:03,901 --> 00:13:06,559
I didn't really know what to do
257
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,839
with the fucking thing, so I brought
it over here for you to deal with.
258
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,719
Oh, hiya, Danni, love.
259
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:11,999
I thought I heard your voice.
260
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,159
Hiya, Mam. I'm just making some
Bloody Mams.
261
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,439
Will I pour you a glass?
Ah, yeah, go on, then.
262
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:18,840
There you go, love.
263
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,399
BLENDER WHIRS
264
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,239
Didn't think I'd see you...
STOPS BLENDER
265
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,079
Didn't think I'd see
you tonight, Danni, love.
266
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,479
Nah, me neither, to be honest,
267
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,759
but Sal's gerbil's popped
its tiny clogs,
268
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,159
so I brought round
its tiny corpse for her.
269
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:39,759
Oh, you're joking?
270
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:42,239
She loved that funny little thing.
271
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,399
Is she all right? Oh, yeah.
She'll get over it.
272
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:45,959
I mean, the fucking thing
stank anyway,
273
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,650
so it's probably
better off dead.
274
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:49,959
I'll have a pint glass.
275
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,760
Thirsty as fuck, me, today, like.
276
00:13:52,391 --> 00:13:56,919
Ridiculous! What the hell
are they doing out there?
277
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,879
Have you found fitties yet, Stewart?
278
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,039
I'm talking to this one lad
who seems nice.
279
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,639
His name's Dean.
280
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,879
It says he's only 450m away.
281
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:08,439
Although, I think he's trying
to sell me a watch.
282
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:09,760
Hang on.
283
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,119
That's Dodgy Uncle Dean.
284
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,959
I didn't know Dodgy Uncle Dean
was gay.
285
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,279
He's not. He'll be trying to sell
you dodgy goods.
286
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:18,719
Don't fall for it, Stewart.
287
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,279
God, I'm glad you told me.
288
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,020
I nearly transferred him the money.
289
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,399
He's a good salesman, isn't he?
290
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:26,719
I don't even need a watch.
291
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,519
In fact, can I pretend
I'm you and chat to him, hon?
292
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,839
Course you can.
Danni's here, everyone.
293
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,079
Hiya, Danni. Hi, Danni.
294
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,239
There's some quiche there,
if you fancy a bit, Danni, chick.
295
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,400
Oh, sound.
296
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,120
SNIFFS
297
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,199
Listen up, everyone.
298
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,279
Sal's had some bad news.
What now?
299
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:11,759
It's her gerbil.
300
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,200
Dead as fuck.
Yes, thank you, Danni!
301
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:18,199
It's like Danni says,
dead as fuck.
302
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,119
Maybe she can get some acting
tips from it.
303
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,439
Be nice, please.
304
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:25,599
Sal loved that weird little rat
creature.
305
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,239
SAL: Hiya, lads.
306
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:28,559
Hey, Sal. Hey, chick.
307
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:30,999
Sorry to hear about
your dead gerbil, Sal.
308
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:32,359
Thanks, babe.
309
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,079
Listen, if you want to bury it,
310
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,320
you can use the flowerbed in
the back garden if you like, chick.
311
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,879
Right, can we get back to
the murder mystery, please?
312
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,440
Sal, if you wouldn't mind.
313
00:15:53,771 --> 00:15:57,559
Sorry, Danni.
I didn't know you were coming,
314
00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:58,679
so I haven't got a part for you.
315
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,600
Oh, don't worry about me.
Footy's on.
316
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,359
ON TV: Close, so close.
317
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,479
CROWD CHEERS ON TV
318
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,439
Sorry, babe, but we're actually
in the middle of a game.
319
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:14,200
ON TV: Meandering...right down
the left-hand side.
320
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,240
TV VOLUME INCREASES
321
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:26,760
DICKIE SIGHS
322
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,800
Right, can we get on
with this game now?
323
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:34,359
You were all in the room
when the murder happened,
324
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,599
but I want to know exactly
what you were doing the moment
325
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,839
the lights went out.
326
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:43,480
Let's start with you,
Dr Ian Significant.
327
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:48,040
"As a dirty little
pervert goblin..."
328
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:50,399
Keep reading.
329
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:53,879
"..I often frequent
homosexual dark rooms,
330
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:56,039
"and so the darkness
triggered me,
331
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,359
"and I got my willy out
332
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,279
"and started masturbating.
333
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:03,760
"Therefore, there's no way
I could have been the murderer."
334
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,999
An interesting and believable alibi.
335
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,480
Mrs Plumcock?
336
00:17:10,481 --> 00:17:15,679
AMERICAN ACCENT: "There's no way
I could have murdered that vicar."
337
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,479
Mam! What are you doing?
338
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:20,920
I'm embodying Mrs Plumcock.
339
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:25,719
There's no way I could have
murdered that vicar,
340
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:27,919
because I'm Mrs Fucking Plumcock
341
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,439
and I'm the best
fucking chef in town!
342
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,119
Mam! You've got to read
what's on the card!
343
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,239
Ee, sorry, chick,
I got carried away.
344
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,119
Oh, gotcha! You what?
345
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,959
Dodgy Uncle Dean is flogging dodgy
jewellery in the immediate area.
346
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,359
Well, what's that got to do
with the murder
347
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:42,799
of Reverend Charlie Church?
348
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,999
Well, I'm going to go and confront
that scamming little bastard,
349
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,279
cos there's absolutely no way
I'm going to let him scam
350
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,159
all the local horny gay lads.
351
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:50,359
Fuck's sake!
352
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,650
I don't know why I'm bothering
with this game.
353
00:17:52,651 --> 00:17:58,119
WHISPERS: There's a quiche by you
there, for when you feel
354
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,599
a bit more alive, Sal, chick.
355
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,160
Thanks, Mam.
356
00:18:01,991 --> 00:18:05,399
I'm just popping out for a tick,
hon.
357
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:09,199
I'm afraid you'll have to join
the queue if you come back, darling.
358
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:10,760
We're still doing this, are we?
359
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:16,999
Well, in that case,
maybe we can come to some
360
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,200
sort of arrangement, Mr...
361
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:22,720
..Bicep.
362
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:29,000
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
363
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:41,799
I wouldn't worry if you haven't
had many messages yet, hon.
364
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:43,559
It can take a while.
365
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,959
I've actually had a few already.
366
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,839
Oh!
367
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,719
I'm absolutely made up for you.
368
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,879
Aw, thanks, Dickie.
DICKIE CHUCKLES
369
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:54,639
PHONE VIBRATES
370
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:58,079
Er, isn't this Harrison's
new boyfriend?
371
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:01,119
Oh, my God! That is him.
372
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:02,559
I wonder if they've split up?
373
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,479
His profile says open relationship.
374
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,719
That... That's mad!
375
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:07,759
There's no way Harrison
would ever agree to that.
376
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:10,680
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, I'm sick of this now!
377
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,239
AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm
Mrs Fucking Plumcock.
378
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,560
You got a problem with that? Hmm?
379
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,719
Ah! Uh!
380
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,399
Harrison,
what are you doing here?
381
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,879
Well, you said I could come
over and get me trainers from you.
382
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:29,079
Oh, I completely forgot.
383
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,639
Yeah, I brought back
your creepy wig head thing.
384
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,199
I need it out me house.
385
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:34,760
The eyes follow you around.
386
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:37,839
So, funny, actually.
387
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,199
We were just, erm,
388
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,440
just talking about you.
389
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,600
This way.
390
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,479
Hiya, Mam. Oh, what you making...
391
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,839
Who the fuck are you calling Mam?!
392
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:02,999
I'm Mrs Fucking Plumcock!
393
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,159
You come to steal my recipes,
ain't you?
394
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:07,319
Well, not today, bozo!
395
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,919
Mam! Mam! Snap out of it!
396
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:12,199
Oh! Eh! I'm sorry.
397
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,839
Oh, I don't know what came over me.
398
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,759
Maybe you shouldn't go method
after all, Mam.
399
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,919
Oh, will you stay for a drink,
Harrison?
400
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,759
I'm going to make
a fresh batch of Bloody Mams.
401
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,719
Well, I really shouldn't, but, um...
402
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:27,679
Well, I have missed
a Bloody Mam, Mam.
403
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,480
Um...go on, then.
404
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,479
So, how's it going with...
405
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,279
What's his name again? Billy?
406
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,079
It's Bobby.
407
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:47,190
It's actually going really well,
thanks.
408
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:53,519
I just didn't think you were an
open relationships type of guy.
409
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,079
Eh? How do you know about that?!
410
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:56,999
Stewart told me.
Well, how does Stewart know?
411
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,879
Uh, a little gay dating app, babes.
412
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,079
Bobby's on there?
413
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,239
Did you not know?
414
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,079
Yeah, of course I know.
415
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:05,239
LAUGHING: You didn't know, did you?
416
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:06,519
Just leave it.
DICKIE LAUGHS
417
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,239
You didn't know that
your actual boyfriend
418
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:09,519
was Grinding his way around Boro?
419
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:10,879
Just fucking leave it, Dickie!
420
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,280
Here you are, chicks.
Get these down you.
421
00:21:16,111 --> 00:21:19,879
Howay, come through
and see everyone.
422
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,320
THUNDER RUMBLES
423
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,639
Oh, hiya, Harrison.
424
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:26,879
Is Sal OK?
She's been murdered.
425
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:27,919
By who?
426
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,319
Well, that's the mystery, chick.
427
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,719
But I'll tell you who DIDN'T commit
the murder -
428
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:36,160
Mrs Fucking Plumcock.
429
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,839
MAM GROWLS
430
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:41,399
Bloody Mam, anyone?
431
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,319
Oh, yeah, I'll go for one.
432
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,370
Oh, cheers.
433
00:21:47,391 --> 00:21:49,479
Neil, babe,
434
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:53,599
my uncle Dean has got an amazing
deal on at the moment for jewellery.
435
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,320
Buy ten items, get one half-price.
436
00:21:58,520 --> 00:21:59,800
Look at all this bling!
437
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,160
I'm sorry, my darling...
438
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:07,750
..you'll have to form a queue,
I'm afraid.
439
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:10,690
Of course.
440
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:18,719
Well, maybe, whilst I'm waiting,
you can frisk me.
441
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:21,919
You never know what illegal
substances a hussy like me
442
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,440
is trying to bring in.
443
00:22:29,351 --> 00:22:33,239
You found any nice fellas
yet, Stewart?
444
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,959
I'm talking to this one lad, aye.
445
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:39,839
I hope yous don't mind, but
I've invited him over for a drink.
446
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:43,679
You've invited a lad
round here tonight?
447
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:45,039
To my house?
448
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:47,639
Yeah, he seems lovely.
449
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:49,399
That's very forward of you, Stewart.
450
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:50,879
What, are you just going to
take him upstairs
451
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,119
and do the dirty
in the spare room, or what?
452
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:54,199
What do you mean?
453
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:57,239
I thought we'd just have a drink,
a few chats with him,
454
00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:58,399
get to know him a bit.
455
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:00,279
That's not really
what it's used for, mate.
456
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:01,799
I don't understand.
457
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:03,479
What's it used for?
458
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:05,719
Sexual activity, Stewart.
459
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:09,239
No, I think he's just coming
over for a cup of tea.
460
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:10,919
He's mentioned he's
bringing teabags.
461
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:11,970
Let's have a look.
462
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,599
Read his profile, Stewart!
463
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,530
Says he gets a kick
out of teabagging!
464
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:20,159
Oh, my God!
465
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:23,679
But I don't want to teabag him!
THUNDER CRACKS
466
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,599
Footie's over. I'm fucking off.
467
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:27,599
Do you want to take a little bit
of quiche in a doggy bag,
468
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,400
Danni, chick?
Aye, go on, then.
469
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:45,959
Sal!
470
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,519
What the fuck are you doing?
471
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,999
I'm playing the role of
Reverend Charlie Church.
472
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,960
Well, you look like a fucking divvy!
473
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:57,280
MAM MOUTHS
474
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:10,170
Cheers, love.
475
00:24:18,421 --> 00:24:21,639
Right, now that Lucinda's back,
476
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:24,159
can we please resume our
murder mystery positions?
477
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:28,359
Before we start, I'd like us
all to raise our glasses
478
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:31,199
to Sal's gerbil.
479
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,639
ALL: Sal's gerbil!
480
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,799
Mam, I might take you up on
481
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:39,079
that offer to bury Geoff
in the flowerbed, if you don't mind.
482
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:40,320
Of course, chick.
483
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:44,919
Who's for quiche?
484
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:46,439
DICKIE GRUMBLES
485
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:48,519
So, are yous any closer to solving
this murder?
486
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:50,559
No, Harrison, we're not.
487
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:51,999
And I'll tell you for why.
488
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:53,679
Because no bugger is taking
489
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:56,440
my ridiculously fun
games night seriously!
490
00:24:56,521 --> 00:24:59,159
Oh, don't be like that, hon.
491
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,519
No, I will be like that, actually,
Lucinda,
492
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:04,799
because I'll remind you that when we
played Twister for your games night,
493
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:06,039
I was committed -
494
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:09,159
to the point where I sprained
both wrists and got whiplash!
495
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:12,159
And when we played hide and seek
for your games night, Mam,
496
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:15,879
I hid in that small bedside
table for three and a half hours!
497
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:17,879
I tell you what, the night is young.
498
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:20,759
Why don't we regroup and get
back to solving the murder?
499
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:22,799
Nah, I'm done!
500
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:24,719
And I'll tell
you who the murderer is.
501
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:28,239
It's Stewart,
the teabagging little bastard.
502
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:29,759
THEY ALL GASP
503
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,159
Why would you do such a thing,
Stewart?
504
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:33,759
I'm not sure.
505
00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:35,559
DOORBELL RINGS, ALL SCREAM
506
00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:36,679
Who's that now?
507
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:39,799
Oh, my God! I forgot to tell
that lad not to come!
508
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,519
He'll be here, with his teabags!
509
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:43,759
What are we going to do?
510
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:46,639
WE'RE not going to do anything,
Stewart.
511
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:48,279
You're the one
who's invited him over,
512
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,119
so you're the one who's
going to have to teabag him.
513
00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:52,319
But I really don't want to teabag
anyone today.
514
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:55,510
Well, somebody's going to have
to teabag the poor lad, Stewart.
515
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:05,399
Is there someone here
called Stewart?
516
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:07,079
There is, mate.
517
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:09,370
I need to check your bag
before you can come in.
518
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:18,319
Lads, has anyone seen Geoff?
519
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,079
Who the fuck's Geoff?!
520
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:21,599
My dead gerbil.
521
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,839
No, I've not seen him, hon.
I haven't seen him.
522
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:26,039
Where did you leave him, Sal?
523
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:28,279
Just in the freezer,
on top of the ice.
524
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:30,119
I can't see the ice any more either.
525
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:33,199
Well, I put all the ice
in the blender for the Bloody Mams.
526
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:34,880
Yeah, I just threw the whole lot in.
527
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:39,799
I threw the whole lot in.
528
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,210
VOICES ECHO AND DISTORT
Has anyone seen Geoff?
529
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,879
I threw the whole lot in.
530
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:48,799
Who the fuck's Geoff?
531
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:50,240
My dead gerbil.
532
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:00,999
There you go.
533
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,280
In you come - through here.
534
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:06,959
This way, mate.
535
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:10,720
COUGHING AND RETCHING
536
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:16,720
COUGHS
537
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:23,600
VOMITS
538
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,199
Care for a quiche, chick?
539
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:29,959
GAGGING AND RETCHING
540
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,520
NEIL SCREAMS
541
00:27:31,570 --> 00:27:36,120
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