All language subtitles for Smoggie Queens s01e02 Fairy Tale.eng

Oh, come on.
- Oh, oh...

- ALL:
- Come on! Come on!

Oh! Oh!

- ALL CHEER

- This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

- How is it even possible you've never
seen Bargain Hunt, Stewart?

- We don't have a TV at home.

What? What are you staring at?

- We're just not connecting with the
words that just came out your mouth.

- We just never had a TV in the house.

My grandma didn't really...

- Sorry to interject, Stew,

but does that mean you've never
watched Home And Away?

Or The One Show? Or Four In A Bed?

Or Undercover Boss? Or Robson Green's
Weekend Escapes?

- DOORBELL CHIMES

- Ooh. Who the hell's that?

- It all makes sense now.

That's why you come across as an
unhinged sociopath.

And probably explains why your skin's
so flaky.

- Hiya.

- I thought you were on your date
tonight.

- Eeh, my God, it was an absolute
disaster.

- What happened, chick?

- Well, when I turned up, I thought,
"Hubba-fucking-hubba."

He was absolutely stunning.

Jaw like a rugby ball.

So I thought to myself, "Here we go,
this is the one.

"This is my prince."

- So what went wrong?

- He opened his mouth.

Turns out he's just another creep.

What is it about me that just attracts
creeps?

- Hey, it's got nothing to do with
you, chick.

- 'Ere, what happened to Carbonara
Neil?

- Well, he's not usually my type,

but I thought to meself, "No, Lucinda,

"you always go for dickheads,

"so give this little weird lad a
chance."

Plus we've got a lot in common since
we've both got PhDs in astrophysics.

So I text him the other day.

He didn't reply.

Proper ghosted me.

- You're joking, aren't you?!

He ghosted you? What a little ballbag.

- What the hell is wrong with me?

- Oi!

You are an absolutely stunning, funny,
sensational woman,

and I don't want some arsehole, creepy
man

to ever make you feel like you're not
worth the world.

Do you understand me?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!

- ALL:
- Yes, Mam.

- Good.

Oh! You know what you need?

A fairy godmother.

- My God, if only.

- MAM CHUCKLES

- Right, chaps, I'd best be off.

- Well, I'd best be off, as well.

Got work in the morning.

HE GRUNTS

- Oh...
- 'Scuse me, Stewart. Sorry.

Sorry, 'scuse me.

Haway then, Sal. You coming?

- Ta-ra, chicks.

- Hey, are we watching Bargain Hunt?

- WHISPERS:
- Stewart's never seen it.

- What the actual fuck? What's wrong
with you, Stewart?

- # When I grow up, I'mma be a
supermodel. #

- And so, for everyone here at
Teesside Revenue, Insurance

and Sales Handling, I'm pleased to
inform you that...

..the projected figures for this year

are looking relatively promising.

So, well done, Team TRISH.

- HE CHUCKLES

- Now, before you all start
celebrating,

there are a few recommendations

that I think you're going to find
quite interesting.

- So, if we look at some of these ...

WHISPERS:
- How was your weekend?

Are you still crying every second of
every day

over breaking up with Harrison?

- Do you know what, Moira? I'm not.

I'm in a much better place.

I think I can finally get that sweaty,
worthless

little shit rag of a man out of my
mind and move on.

- I'm sat right here.

Stop going round calling me a shit
rag.

- ..we've got to analyse our own
externals

as well as everybody else's...

- I know you can hear me.

- Can you be quiet, please, Senor Shit
Rag?

I'm trying to listen to Marcus. He's
got some very interesting points.

- ..by readdressing the strategic
proposals

that the commission have set out.

Any questions? Ah, yes, Elaine?

- I had a stack of orange post-its on
my desk, and now they're gone.

Has anybody taken them?

- Um, I think we can get you some more
post-it notes, Elaine.

Any other questions? No? Well, enjoy
your days.

- Er, er...

BELL TINKLES

Just before everybody shoots off,

I just want to remind you all about my
meeting

for the LGBTQ+ network this afternoon.

I need to get a sense of numbers,

so if you could respond to the email I
sent, that would be stunning.

The only reply I've had so far is an
out of office from Liz,

and she died two years ago.

- Eeh, I've gorra tell you this,
Brenda.

I completely put me foot in it the
other day.

You know Janine who works in Argos?

- Oh, yes.
- Well, she was in having her lashes tinted.

She had something on her chin.

Looked like a big old bit of dried
gravy,

and if I had a big old bit of dried
gravy on my chin

and nobody told me, I'd be absolutely
mortified.

So I says, "You've a bit of dried
gravy on your chin, Janine."

She says, "Nah, hon, it's actually a
verruca."

I was so embarrassed.

- I thought you could only get
verrucas on your feet.

- That's what I said.

Apparently she's a medical marvel.

I says, "Have you got some Bazuka for
that verruca, Janine?"

She says no, cos she wants to keep it

so she can try and get an interview in
Take A Break.

- Ooh! Right.

What are these onions meant to be
doing, then, Lucinda?

- They've got antioxidants in them,
hon,

which may protect your cells against
free radicals,

which may play a role in heart
disease, cancer,

and other diseases, hon.
- Is it meant to be burning?

- I think that means it's working.

- DISTANT BUGLE HORN

- I won't be a minute, hon.

- BUGLE HORN

- Eeh, my God!

- STEWART CLEARS THROAT

- Your carriage awaits, princess.

- What the hell is this?!

- Well, I said you needed a fairy
godmother

to help you find your prince.

Here I am!

Eeh, I've lined you up a couple of
dates,

and they're both absolute beauties.

Haway, my lady.

Climb aboard.

- FANFARE

- Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!

- PLAYS NOTE

- # La-a-a-a! #

- FROM NEXT ROOM:
- Oi! Haway in 'ere.

- COMMENTATOR: Big chance at the other
end.

A great effort, but that was...

- What the fuck are you doing in
there?

I can't hear myself think.

I've had to put the subtitles on the
telly.

- Just practising my audition song.

- What the frig are you auditioning
for now?

I thought you'd given up all that
poncey shite

after being rejected from that musical
for the 74th time.

What was it called again?

- Ant And Dec: The Musical.

- Fuck me, they'll make a musical out
of any old shite these days.

- It's actually for a competition.

I thought I might give it a go.

Written a couple of new songs, and I
feel a bit more confident this time.

- Oh, babe, haway. Open your eyes.

There's confidence, yeah? And then
there's just...

..downright delusion.

And I'm only being honest with you,
babe,

because I love you and I don't want
people laughing at you.

- Thanks, babe.

Well, I'll try and keep it down.

- COMMENTATOR: A lovely one there from
Webster,

right down the left-hand side into the
channel,

and he hit a left-foot rocket...

QUIETER, QUAVERING NOTE

- # La! #

- I can still fucking hear you!

- SQUEAKING

Urgh!
- What's the matter?

- I'm getting zero replies for my
LGBTQ+ network meeting.

It's proper pissing me off now.

- Please don't shout at me, madam.

I know it's frustrating.

Please don't call me a useless turd
cretin, madam.

- STIFLED LAUGHTER

- And she's hung up.

- What was her beef, mate? Time of the
month?

- Er, yeah, probably, mate.

- Guten Morgen, Harrison. Guten
Morgen, Trevor.

- It's Trev.
- I'm just jotting down the names of people

coming to my LGBTQ+ network meeting
this afternoon,

and I've not had a reply from either
of you.

So can I pop you down as a yes?

- No, mate. Sorry.

Not into all of that woke bollocks.

Plus aren't you the only gay fella in
the office?

- Eh? What you on about, Trev?

Harrison's literally sat opposite you,

and he's a proper little arse bandit.

- Are you gay, mate?

- I am, yeah, mate.

- Fuck me.

I thought you were straight.

Hey, fair play, mate. You hide it
well.

- Oh, cheers, fella.

- "Fella"?
- Hang on, didn't I see you kissing some fit blonde lass

the other month?

- That fit blonde lass was me,
actually, Trevor.

- Well, nah, mate. Sorry.

You're never going to recruit me.

I'm always going to be a vagitarian.

- Ugh. No-one's trying to recruit you,
Trevor.

- It's Trev.

- Harrison, popped a little gay tick
next to your little gay name,

so I'd better see you there, please.

HE CLEARS THROAT

- Here, Harris.

You seen this one?

- It's Harrison.
- Harris, right, watch.

I'll get it up for you.

It's the one of the woman falling into
the swimming pool.

Ready? Right, here you go.

- SPLASH

HE LAUGHS

- Oh, she hits her head on the
railings!

Oh, you see...!

Oh, she's bleeding!

Oh, it's great! Honestly!

- HE LAUGHS

Hi, Elaine, babes. You OK?

- Moira.

Where did you get those post-its?

- The stationery cupboard.

- They look very similar to the ones
that were on my desk.

- I guess some post-its do tend to
look like other post-its.

- Hmm.

- Don't you think Elaine looks a
little bit like Michelle Visage?

- I can't really see it, to be honest.

- DUMMY:
- Dickhead.

- Right, everyone, listen up.

My name is Victor Starbright,

and I am the head judge at North
East's Got Talent.

Now, you're going to have to excuse
the bags under me eyes,

because I've travelled from Newcastle
to be here

in the beautiful shithole that is
Middlesbrough,

and the jet lag is kicking in.

Now, as you all know, the winner of
the competition

gets a year's supply of ham, so bring
your A-games.

- Is anyone sitting 'ere?

- Erm, I wouldn't have thought so.

- So...what's your talent?

- Erm, singing and that.

What about you?

- Playing guitar.

And that.

YELLS:
- Right, which one of you thieving Smoggie bastards

has stolen my fountain pen?!

This is why I detest coming to
Middlesbrough.

You can't fart round here without
someone nicking it.

Ah... Oh.

Oh, there it is.

- OPERA PLAYS

What the...?

- And then the log flume went down the
steep bit,

and we got absolutely drenched.
- MAM LAUGHS

- What about you, Stewart?

Where did you lose your virginity?

- Well, I've not really had that much
experience in the bedroom,

to be honest, Mam.

- I would have thought a good-looking
fella like yourself

would be batting them off.

- I just ...

I haven't really been out the closet
that long.

In fact, I'm only really out to you
guys.

- What about your parents?

- Oh, they died when I was younger.

- Sorry to hear that, chick.

- So I grew up with my grandma.

- And she doesn't know?

- Nah.

I wouldn't want to cause her any more
stress.

I'm just happy her not knowing I'm
gay.

- My eyes are up here, you pervert.

Eeh. What were you saying, Stewart?

- Oh, no way! That's so funny!

I'm the same!

- The thing about me is, erm, I'm a
family man, me, like.

- Oh, my God, me too!

- I think it's really important

to find someone with strong family
values.

I just love my family. I do.

- Oh, so do I!

- I always go round to me mam's every
Tuesday for a Sunday roast.

She does cracking Yorkshire puds.

- Oh, does she?

- Yeah, I do.

- Erm, who's had some of my grated
cheese?

- Oh, sorry. I thought it was
communal.

- What part of this label suggests
it's communal, Gary?

I'm on a very specific diet, Gary,

and as part of said diet, the only
thing I can eat

between the hours of 12.00 and 2.00 is
grated cheese.

Do you want me to starve, Gary?

- Sorry, Dickie.

I couldn't see the label.

Just had me cataracts removed.

- Stop playing the victim, Gary!

- Do you think this milk is off?

- SNIFFS

I think it's good for another day or
two, babes.

'Ere, Elaine.

Are you coming to my LGBTQ+ network
meeting later on?

- I would love that, but it's Fiona
from HR's birthday

and she brought in a caterpillar cake,
so ...

- Oh. Well, enjoy it.

Simon, are you coming to my LGBTQ+
network meeting later on?

WHISPERS:
- What nauseating posture.

It's a no today, sweetheart,

but, er...thanks for coming in.

- Didn't want your ham anyway.

- Fuck me, these Middlesbrough
contestants,

they're worse than they usually are.

Frida fucking Kahlo, as I live and
fucking breathe.

What are you looking for, sweetheart?
Your tweezers?

- I thought...

It said there'd be a pianist.

- Unfortunately, our pianist had a
dodgy curry last night.

It's coming out of both ends,
apparently.

So unless you brought a backing track,

you're going to have to go a cappella,
I'm afraid.

- SHE CLEARS THROAT

- # Behind... #

- Thank you.

- WHISPERS:
- I just don't think she looks like a star.

- FURTHER WHISPERING

- It's a no today, sweetheart.

Thanks for coming in.

- Haway, lads, give us a chance.

It sounds much better with a backing
track, I promise you.

- Unfortunately there's no way of us
knowing that, is there, gorgeous?

Cos you haven't got a backing track.

- I've got the sheet music.

- Yeah, and like I just said,

the woman who reads the sheets has got
the shits.

So where does that leave us, gorgeous?

- I could play it on my guitar.

- Oh, God, here's another one stuck
her forehead in a bowl of slugs.

- You don't have to do that, mate.
- It's OK, I don't mind.

- All right, nice, lovely.

Get on with it, will you?

- SHE PLAYS

- # Behind picket fences

# On cul-de-sac roads

# That dampened your spirit

# For why you just didn't know... #

- Thank you.

She just doesn't look like a star.

I am looking for the whole package.

- We're going to have to put somebody
through to the next round.

You've said no to everyone so far.

- Fine!

OK, well, you're through to the
judges' houses.

- Yes! Thanks, mate.

- NEXT!

- HE CLAPS

- Stop doing that. It looks terrible.

- Employees of TRISH,

welcome to the first-ever LGBTQ+
network meeting!

Please put your hands together for
Dickie!

Fuck's sake.

- Sorry, Dickie, have I got the right
time?

- Yeah, hon, but no bugger's shown.

I'm just going to cancel the whole
bloody network. There's no point.

TUTS:
- That would be such a shame.

Actually, Dickie, do you mind if I ask
you something?

- Yeah, course, hon.

- It's about me son, Ollie.

What it is, is...

Well, I walked in on him the other
day,

and he was watching something on his
iPad.

- Right.

What was it?

- Nah. No, maybe I shouldn't say.

It doesn't...
- Haway, Marcus, you can't do that to me.

Give us the goss.

What did you catch the little pervert
watching?

- Right.

It was...

Well, it was Elaine Paige's top 40
greatest musical performances.

It was seven and a half hours long.

- Oh.

I... I see.

- And I found this under his bed.

You know, I'm thinking he might be...

- Mm, not necessarily, babes.

- And I caught him kissing a boy.

- Ah.

Right. Yeah.

That certainly sounds like
non-heterosexual behaviour, so...

- Right.

OK. Yeah, sure.

Just one more question.

- Mm?

- What do I do?

- You know what, Marcus?

I've got the perfect thing for a
situation like this.

I'll bring it over to you on my next
fag break.

- I didn't know you smoked.

- I don't.

- NEXT!

- I don't really know what to say,
mate.

- Ah, you don't need to say anything.

I was happy to help.

Did you write that song yourself?

- Yeah, I did, aye.

- It's really beautiful.

Just like you.

Er...

..I'll see you soon to rehearse for
judges' houses.

Ta-ra, then.

TRICKLING

- Here you go, Mam.

- I still can't get over the size of
Karl's schlong.

Have you ever seen one that big,
Stewart?

- Eeh!

Don't think I have.

- Ah! Isn't nature marvellous?

- How old were you when you came out,
Mam?

- Ugh. Too old, chick.

I don't regret much in life,

but one thing I'll never forgive
meself for is coming out so late.

- Right.
- Fucking hard living as someone else for that long.

I tell you what, though, chick.

I'm making up for lost frigging time
now.

- MAM CHUCKLES

- Oh!

Ah!

- And so I was laser-removing this
woman's moustache hair,

and the poor lass sneezed, and I
zapped off half her eyebrow as well.

- That sounds like a hairy situation!

- So what is it that you do for work?

- Well, actually, I'm a dentist.

- Eeh, no way!
- Mm.

- So do you just walk around judging
people's teeth?

- I suppose I probably do,
subconsciously.

I will say, though, you have very
beautiful teeth.

- Oh, thank you very much.

I grew 'em meself.

- You're not going to believe this,

but Karl the horse is pissing on the
exact spot

where I had my first-ever kiss.

- You had your first kiss round the
back of Kwik Fit?

- Well, back in the day, chick, this
was all farmland.

- I don't suppose you fancy going for
a drink after this?

- I would absolutely love that.

But I've got to get back to me
girlfriend.

She's cooking me tagliatelle tonight.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Right, Marcus.

I've thrown a few bits and pieces
together,

so you can have a flick through and
see if any of it's helpful.

You'll see that the first few pages
are the lyrics

to some well-known songs from
musicals,

in case he's having a little sing-song
and you fancy joining in.

Then we get onto the heavier stuff.

I've written a few scripts of how to
react when he comes out to you.

"I'll always love you, no matter
what," that kind of thing.

You don't have to use them, but
they're there for reference.

Then towards the end, you'll see I've
popped in a list of gay bars

and clubs in case you fancy taking him
for a pint and poppers.

How old is he again?

- 15.

- Right, you might want to keep that
one aside for a couple of years.

- Dickie, I don't know what to say.

This is so kind of you.

- Don't be daft, babes. I'm only doing
me job.

- Your job is actually revenue,
insurance, and sales handling.

You do know that, don't you?

- Heh.

Yeah, course.

- I do appreciate this, though.

Thank you.

And do you know what?

I don't think you should give up on
the network.

- Well, we'll see.

Right, I'd better get back to that
revenue, insurance, and scaly hands.

- It's sales handling.

- What is?

- Oh, I just can't be arsed any more,
hon.

I feel like I'm wasting my time.

I think maybe I should just admit
defeat.

- You know, Lucinda, the one thing
I've learned about you

in the short time I've known you is
that you radiate pure love.

You're essentially like a love
radiator,

and your thermostat is constantly on
high.

There's no doubt in my mind

somebody special will come and warm
his hands on you soon.

- You have a lovely way with words,
Stewart.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Course you can, hon.

- Do you really have a PhD in
astrophysics?

- Yeah, hon.

I'm completely obsessed with
cosmological gravitational radiation

and the phenomenology of the early
universe.

- See you later, sweetheart!

Ha!

- Does he normally talk to you like
that?

- Oh, I get it all the time, babes.

It's part of the course,
unfortunately.

- You shouldn't have to deal with it.

- Oh, don't worry about me.

I've dealt with far worse than that
big old barrel of bin juice.

- Well, listen, if you need anything
for your gay network,

you just let me know, OK?

- Oh, cheers, Marcus.

You OK, babes?

- I'm just a bit anxious about our
Ollie.

I don't want him to be treated any
differently when he comes out.

He hasn't got the strength that you've
got.

I just want him to have a normal life.

- What is normal anyway?

I'd say us queers are very normal.

We're the same as you, in many ways.

We get up and get dressed - just like
you.

We have our breakfast -

jam roly-poly with toasty soldiers -
just like you.

We go to work, just like you,

and then we come home and have our
dinners -

jam roly-poly with gravy - just like
you.

And I know you've probably got some
wild ideas

about what we get up to outside of
work, Marcus,

but I can assure you we live very
normal, boring lives -

just like you.

Oh, my ride's here, so...

Ta-ra.

See you tomorrow, Marcus.

- Woohoo! Yeah!

- I'm buzzing for you getting through
to judges' houses, Sal!

- Cheers, babe.

- Lucinda!

- Is that Neil?

- Oh, for fuck's sake.

That's all I need.
- Lucinda!

- Piss off, Carbonara.

You had your chance with her.

- I need to speak to you.

- Well, I don't want to speak to you,
hon. On your way.

- You heard the lady. On your way.

- Oh, please.

- On your way, Neil!

- My shoe!

- You ghosted me, Neil. No more
chances.

- Can you please stop throwing shoes
at me?

I can explain everything.

I swear down I didn't mean to ghost
you.

I dropped me phone when I was
skydiving.

- No offence, Neil, but that sounds
like a barefaced lie.

- No, I'm being serious.

Look.

- Oh, wow!
- Oh, my God...

- Like a phoenix rising from the
ashes.

- That's really impressive.
- Like a butterfly. - Amazing, that!

- If I could have text you...

..I would have asked if...

..you wanted to maybe finish that date
we started,

finish our conversation about how
gamma radiation can affect

intraocular cellular proliferation.

- Bloody hell, Neil, keep it in your
pants.

THEY GASP

It fits!

- I suppose so.

ALL CHEER

- Woohoo-hoo-hoo!

- I will just say this, though, Neil.

If you ever hurt our Lucinda in any
way,

we will slice you up into pieces like
an onion.

Are we clear?

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

- Yeah. Yeah, of course.

- Onion?

Oh, my God. Brenda.

- I wouldn't mind a cup of tea if
there's one going, Lucinda.

MUSIC: Push N Shuv by Lava La Rue

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0