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1
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THUNDER CRASHING
2
00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:09,760
SNORING
3
00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:13,097
And that's your message? My God.
4
00:00:13,264 --> 00:00:14,348
GLASS SHATTERING
5
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:16,309
Who--? Who's there?
What do you want?
6
00:00:16,475 --> 00:00:20,521
Because all you're gonna get is holes.
I-- | mean, holes in you...
7
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:24,275
...not my-- Hah! Sterling?
8
00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:27,361
Hello, Mother.
Where the hell have you been?
9
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:31,365
| don't know.
What--? And why do you have a cleaver?
10
00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:39,165
CYRIL: "Interoffice fraternization
of an intimate nature...
11
00:00:39,332 --> 00:00:41,626
...Is prohibited to include
but not limited to...
12
00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:44,795
...trysts, assignations--"
\What's this even mean?
13
00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:46,964
It means no more banging coworkers.
14
00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:48,799
Oh, so it doesn't affect you.
15
00:00:48,966 --> 00:00:50,801
Mee-hee. Oh, wait, guess what.
16
00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:53,304
Ow! Hey, this isn't my fault.
17
00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:56,974
It's exactly your fault, idiot. When
Mother found out you cheated on Lana--
18
00:00:57,141 --> 00:01:00,645
Hey, you cheated on Lana plenty.
Yeah, but with starlets, models.
19
00:01:00,811 --> 00:01:02,980
Oh, and one time,
two actual princesses.
20
00:01:03,147 --> 00:01:04,982
NIRRT R .Y
Yeah, they were sisters.
21
00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:08,236
Sploosh.
Cyril, you threw Lana away on chicks like--
22
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,071
Like Carol.
It's Cheryl.
23
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,698
Exactly, back me up here.
You slept with her too.
24
00:01:12,865 --> 00:01:16,994
When | was bored. Like, stuck at home
waiting for the cable guy, or-- Oh, hey.
25
00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:19,330
What are you doing Thursday
between 9 and noon?
26
00:01:19,497 --> 00:01:20,581
One and 47
Ugh.
27
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,833
I'll be doing one
of your co-workers.
28
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,169
Well, do it before
quitting time Friday.
29
00:01:25,336 --> 00:01:27,838
Why'd Ms. Archer give us until Friday--7
| did that.
30
00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:30,633
Somebody in this building
is gonna have sex with me.
31
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,928
Yeah? You think between now and Friday
you can score some roofies?
32
00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:38,641
Uh-uh. Pam?
| will end you.
33
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:43,145
Where the hell
is my staple gun?
34
00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:44,605
| think | saw Cyril with it.
35
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,817
He went through my desk?
| guess. | mean he said he did.
36
00:01:47,984 --> 00:01:51,112
| don't know why I'm surprised.
| mean, can you believe him?
37
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:52,863
Cheating on Lana?
Baffling.
38
00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:54,031
Said the kettle.
39
00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:56,450
Which is why | started
that new policy.
40
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,369
Yeah?
You idiots run around here...
41
00:01:58,536 --> 00:02:00,997
...like it's spring break on South Padre.
42
00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:05,209
Just sex, sex, sex--
Sexy-sexy, eh?
43
00:02:05,376 --> 00:02:08,004
MALORY: Nikolai?
Is from Frederick's of Latvia.
44
00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:09,964
Mother? What?
Oh, hello, son.
45
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:11,924
Nikolal.
Why did he call me "son?"
46
00:02:12,091 --> 00:02:14,051
What is this?
You mean...
47
00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:17,221
...besides incredibly awkward?
48
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:53,883
No, | think "incredibly awkward"
just about sums it up.
49
00:02:54,050 --> 00:02:55,551
What? Mother!
50
00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:58,054
Nikolai, could | call you back?
51
00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:00,890
| will be here maybe in one hour...
52
00:03:01,057 --> 00:03:04,435
...then I'll try to hit gym, so--
The gym. That'll be the day.
53
00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:06,270
Are you out of your mind?
54
00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,981
| must be. Because it looks
like you just destroyed...
55
00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:10,775
...my Steuben bar set.
56
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:15,363
Well, you just destroyed my innocence.
Oh, please, that Brazilian au pair...
57
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:18,991
...did that when you were 13.
Twelve. And why does Nikolai Jakov...
58
00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:22,244
...the head of the KGB,
have a direct line to your office?
59
00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:25,039
Well, you know, from time to time--
What--? No.
60
00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:27,458
Just leave that,
you'll cut yourself. Sterling.
61
00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:31,212
And a follow-up question:
Why did he just call me son?
62
00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:34,548
That's often a figure of speech.
Yeah? How often?
63
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,885
Very often. Just not in this case.
64
00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,512
| know-- Uh--
65
00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:41,472
\What?
66
00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:47,603
Terrific. Two Steuben
glasses left and you break one.
67
00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:49,563
I'm sorry, Krieger,
but it's over.
68
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:52,608
So here's all your Creedence
Clearwater albums back.
69
00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:55,653
Now a sad moon is on the rise.
| know, devastating.
70
00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:58,072
But it's not you,
it's your weak, woman-y hands.
71
00:03:58,239 --> 00:04:00,491
They're not--
It's like being choked by a child.
72
00:04:00,658 --> 00:04:02,618
Which | thought would be hot, but--
73
00:04:02,785 --> 00:04:05,871
Wait, no, I'll take steroids.
| can't wait. | need a man now...
74
00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:09,667
...with monster hands.
Oh, like Lana ha-- Hey, you.
75
00:04:09,834 --> 00:04:11,836
You know, the whole
"monster hands" thing?
76
00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:14,130
Starting to border on mean.
77
00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:17,466
Oh, you gonna run cry to Ms. Archer,
like when Cyril cheated on you?
78
00:04:17,967 --> 00:04:19,593
Hello.
Ooh-la-la.
79
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:23,597
Well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't
a noose | made out of extension cord.
80
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,350
Guess what. She wasn't
the only one Cyril cheated with.
81
00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:27,518
GASPS
82
00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:30,938
And what is that supposed to mean?
Figure it out, Truckasaurus.
83
00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:32,940
Oh, that gives me an idea.
84
00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:36,861
But | already have a father.
His name was John Fitzgerald Archer.
85
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,196
He was a fighter ace,
and he won the Navy Cross.
86
00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:41,532
And his men called him--
"Black Jack" Archer.
87
00:04:41,699 --> 00:04:44,368
| know, dear, | know,
because | made it all up.
88
00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:46,036
But the military funeral.
89
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:49,665
MAN: Ready. Aim.
MALORY: Oh, my God.
90
00:04:49,832 --> 00:04:53,210
If we miss that train | will go blind.
MAN: Fire.
91
00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:54,378
GUNSHOTS
92
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,547
But the 21 gun salute.
93
00:04:56,714 --> 00:05:01,051
| donated 600 bucks
to a Junior ROTC team up in Yonkers.
94
00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:04,054
Which they used to go
to a competition in Albany...
95
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:08,058
...where they won third place.
So a lot of good came out of that.
96
00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:10,519
So all's well that ends well?
What was | to do?
97
00:05:10,686 --> 00:05:13,355
Tell a 3-year-old
his father might be in the KGB?
98
00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:15,065
What? What do you mean might be?
99
00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:18,903
So there may or may not be
a few other possibles...
100
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,988
Rz e
101
00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:22,698
\What?
102
00:05:22,865 --> 00:05:25,034
Seriously? You cheated
on me with Carol?
103
00:05:25,201 --> 00:05:27,161
Cheryl.
.DHelaiA
104
00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:29,955
And | can explain that.
Well if you'd let me.
105
00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:32,958
Yeah, tell me. How my father
might be Nikolai Jakov...
106
00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:36,837
...head of the KGB,
or Len Trexler, head of ODIN!
107
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,965
Well--
| assume those are my only choices?
108
00:05:40,341 --> 00:05:41,383
CLEARS THROAT
109
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,135
Oh, my-- Who else?
110
00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:45,930
Gene Krupa. No, wait.
What? The drummer?
111
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:48,015
Not Krupa, the other one,
with the teeth.
112
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:50,935
Ol A
Buddy Rich.
113
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:55,147
| could never say no to a drummer.
Could you say no to anybody?
114
00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:58,442
| said no to plenty.
115
00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:00,694
No. No.
Yes. Have sex with me. Please.
116
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,113
Oh, come on.
117
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:06,909
Nobody would ever know.
Pam? Yeah.
118
00:06:07,076 --> 00:06:08,369
I'd know.
119
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,996
No. No. No.
et me talk to him.
120
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:15,042
Nikolal, he's not even here.
He stormed out, thanks to you.
121
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:19,046
But I could talk sense into him.
After all, | am his father.
122
00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:22,466
GLASS SHATTERING
123
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:25,636
Len Trexler or Buddy Rich?
124
00:06:25,803 --> 00:06:29,056
Get me that crazy German. Now.
Ow! Ow!
125
00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,058
Hostile work environment.
Shut up.
126
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:33,727
We are going to kidnap
Agent Sterling Archer.
127
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,313
Oh, yeah? Then what,
you hurt his feelings?
128
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,067
JAKOV: Then we put new mind-control
microchip into his brain.
129
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,820
We use its remote-control
capability...
130
00:06:42,987 --> 00:06:46,490
...to bring him here,
make the papa test.
131
00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:48,659
And if | am Archer's father. ..
132
00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:52,329
...| turn him against his own mother,
as Soviet agent.
133
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:55,499
Make him a,
how you say, vole.
134
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:59,086
| think you mean mole. Mole.
Huh?
135
00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:03,882
Vole is also rodent,
but more closer related to lemming.
136
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:07,386
HUMMING
137
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:13,100
Come on, buddy.
138
00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:19,690
SIGHS
139
00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:23,027
Can't you read, ass-douche? You're not
supposed to be here without a kid.
140
00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:25,738
As it happens,
| am here with a child.
141
00:07:25,904 --> 00:07:27,948
Mani, can we have
more money for the sweets?
142
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,868
What? That's not even
a real baby.
143
00:07:31,035 --> 00:07:35,205
And that is? | thought you were
off to the fair with your prize turnip.
144
00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:36,415
CELL PHONE RINGS
145
00:07:36,582 --> 00:07:38,876
A tur--? Listen, you kraut puke.
Hello.
146
00:07:39,043 --> 00:07:41,420
Oh, yeah. You should go.
147
00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:43,547
You're lucky
his father's not here.
148
00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:46,800
He knows Krav Maga,
he'll kick your balls through your hat...
149
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,887
...you Nazi shit-ass.
Mani, these people.
150
00:07:50,054 --> 00:07:53,515
Well, you wanted him to grow up
in the city.
151
00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:56,226
Nein, major, not you. Yeah, listening.
152
00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:58,604
And after you take Archer to the...
153
00:07:58,771 --> 00:07:59,813
GROWLS
154
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,857
...KGB safehouse
on Gansevoort. ..
155
00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:03,692
...you will implant the microchip...
156
00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:05,361
...Into his brain.
eIl
157
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:10,949
Yeah, seriously.
Okay, Uta, we have a job, so--
158
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:13,452
Where is the diaper bag?
159
00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:18,040
| forgot where | put it.
Huge surprise.
160
00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:20,501
Ow! Ow!
Idiot. What is wrong with you?
161
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:21,919
And just who the happy hell...
162
00:08:22,086 --> 00:08:24,505
...do you think you are,
hanging up on me?
163
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:27,758
Oh, you gonna tell
your boyfriend Len Trexler?
164
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:30,511
Or maybe Gene Krupa?
It was the other one.
165
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,930
Maybe. Or you, maybe, or--
166
00:08:33,097 --> 00:08:37,142
Whoever it was, he wasn't there to raise
Sterling, so | don't need him butting in now.
167
00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:38,936
We'll see. Nothing.
What?
168
00:08:39,103 --> 00:08:41,105
Nikolai, what are you scheming at?
169
00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:44,733
Nothing.
Again he hangs up on me.
170
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:46,360
GRUNTS
171
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:47,611
SIGHS
172
00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:50,698
And there goes the last Steuben.
173
00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:54,284
CHERYL GASPS
174
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:57,955
Sploosh. That's what I'm talking about.
Yup, yup, yup.
175
00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:01,250
Wait, you think it's safe?
176
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:07,297
Okay, we got the French chick,
and Carol. ..
177
00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:09,049
...and anybody else,
Rambone?
178
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,135
Hi, Cyril.
\\o}
179
00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,721
CHUCKLES THEN COUGHS
180
00:09:14,096 --> 00:09:16,640
Well. Um....
Scatterbrain Jane? Really?
181
00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:19,560
Well, say she had just been
diagnosed with breast cancer.
182
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:23,564
Oh, right. | forgot,
your dick's full of radiation...
183
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,566
...and mastectomy coupons.
184
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:28,902
Boy, you are just so determined
not to be cool about this.
185
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,530
Yup. Anybody else?
186
00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:34,783
Ms. Archer, you're trying to seduce me.
187
00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:36,201
IMALORY LAUGHS
188
00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:37,786
Aren't you?
189
00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:40,164
Nope, no, no one.
Okay, okay, okay.
190
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,416
Okay, get out.
Of my own office?
191
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:43,834
Yup.
Why?
192
00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:46,170
Oh, you don't wanna be here...
193
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:48,630
...when | bang every last dude
in the building.
194
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,340
What?
Here on your blotter.
195
00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:54,845
You can't do that.
Really? Is it Opposite Day already?
196
00:09:55,012 --> 00:09:56,013
BEEPS OVER PA
197
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,306
Uh-- Attention?
198
00:09:57,473 --> 00:09:59,600
Hi, this is Agent Kane...
199
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:03,103
...and if you wanna have
ball-slappy sex with me on Cyril's desk...
200
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,606
...please line up
and take a number.
201
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:06,940
CLAMORING
202
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:10,110
You heard the lady. Take a number.
203
00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:15,407
Eighty-sixed? Uh-uh.
You don't eighty-six me.
204
00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:19,036
Because my dad
won the Navy Cross.
205
00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:25,209
Here's the door.
Help. Please help me.
206
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:28,170
My baby. He swallowed something,
he's choking.
207
00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:29,713
BELCHES
208
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,341
Oh, who gives a shit
about a baby?
209
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:36,970
Who would want to raise
a child here?
210
00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:42,351
Well, that was a huge waste of time.
| said don't take your clothes off.
211
00:10:42,518 --> 00:10:45,521
S AT
Begged, even. Okay, this is good to go.
212
00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:48,357
So was this.
So let's get number two in here.
213
00:10:48,524 --> 00:10:51,693
You really think this is gonna work??
Pam, look at me.
214
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:54,154
Yeah.... Sploosh.
215
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,364
PA BEEPS
216
00:10:55,531 --> 00:10:58,200
LANA: Now serving humber two.
BRETT: I'm two.
217
00:10:59,034 --> 00:11:01,411
That's me! Move, dude.
Animals.
218
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:05,582
You're all just animals.
Lying in wait at the watering hole...
219
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:08,752
...taut buttocks all aquiver,
just aching to pounce...
220
00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:11,213
...on the supple brown flesh
of your woman.
221
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:13,048
Shut up.
They're gonna mess her up.
222
00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:14,758
Why are you even here?
Hello.
223
00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:18,595
But you're gay.
Girl, please. Nobody's that gay.
224
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,597
Wait, what?
What, what?
225
00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:23,100
What part of you pay me
600 dollars do you not get?
226
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:25,769
The part where we don't have sex?
227
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,437
You get to say we did.
228
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,815
Which is, like,
half the reason men have sex.
229
00:11:29,982 --> 00:11:31,483
But that's a lot of money.
230
00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,944
Not compared to rotator cuff surgery.
What?
231
00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:36,613
Which you're gonna need
after the jillion high-fives...
232
00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,782
...you give your little bros.
233
00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:41,785
Okay, I'm in.
But first guy you tell is Cyril.
234
00:11:41,952 --> 00:11:44,955
And make up the sickest--
Yeah, shut up, do you take plastic?
235
00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:48,333
Five percent discount for cash.
| thought it was 10.
236
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:51,378
Oh, oh, oh, | can't wet my beak?
237
00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:53,171
THUNDER CRASHING
238
00:11:53,338 --> 00:11:56,008
Hey, seriously, kidnappers...
239
00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:58,385
...super not in the mood
for this right now.
240
00:11:58,552 --> 00:11:59,845
WHIRRING
241
00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:01,513
Or that. What is that?
242
00:12:02,306 --> 00:12:03,515
s that a drill?
243
00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:05,434
O V}
ARCHER: | don't want that.
244
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:08,979
| make a klein hole in his skull with this.
ARCHER: Just shut that off.
245
00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:12,316
Then into the hole | smoosh this.
ARCHER: What is that?
246
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,526
And then they can
control his brain.
247
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,237
But is Soviet technology...
248
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:20,157
...S0 it's a crapshoot.
This is amazing, no?
249
00:12:20,324 --> 00:12:23,160
What is amazing is we just
ran into him on the street.
250
00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:26,330
It's a huge city.
Hey. Hey! Proposition.
251
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,749
First person to untie me, guy or gal...
252
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:32,586
...| will let him or her give me a handy.
ToINc
253
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:36,506
Let's share the milk of human kindness.
What an asshole.
254
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:40,928
Don't worry, your time is coming.
Wait, by time do you mean me?
255
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:44,056
And by "don't worry", do you mean
the chick's gonna be doing the handy?
256
00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:45,390
DRILL WHIRRING
257
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,935
And either way,
can we do it without that thing?
258
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,353
Hey, seriously.
259
00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,481
Give me a hanjo.
260
00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:01,156
WieZanNine
261
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,534
JAKQOV:
It doesn't work.
262
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:09,039
| drill hole in head of man
who maybe is my son.
263
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:12,167
Put chip in his brain...
264
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,461
...and now you tell me...
265
00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,296
1t doesn't work.
266
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,590
You should have
asked me before you--
267
00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:21,385
See, in testing we have
had teensy problem...
268
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,553
...with signal from satellite.
269
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:27,391
When it is in small window
just over the target...
270
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:29,226
...It can signal the chip.
271
00:13:29,393 --> 00:13:30,394
E1SS.N
272
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:31,895
LAUGHS
273
00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:34,064
SCIENTIST:
But when it exits this winhdow. ...
274
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:38,068
Ahh.
This problem does not sound teensy!
275
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:40,988
It iIs compared to the problem we had...
276
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,198
...with interference
from cell phones.
277
00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:44,574
IMUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE
278
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:46,994
SCREAMING
279
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:52,082
Which in lab sent test subjects
into ferocious homicidal rages.
280
00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:54,918
So obviously we need to tweak it.
281
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,838
Damn that crazy, jealous Russian.
282
00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:01,466
Bet he's hatching some half-assed,
vodka-soaked scheme to--
283
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:05,012
ARCHER: Hello? Ha!
Sterling? Sterling, listen very-- Wha--?
284
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,264
VVoicemail. You know what to do.
285
00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:09,266
OPERATOR: We're sorry.
Damn it.
286
00:14:09,433 --> 00:14:11,601
Carol? Carol.
287
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,687
And just where the hell is she?
288
00:14:14,813 --> 00:14:17,441
GRUNTING
289
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:21,403
Oh, God, sorry. Sorry.
Ahh....
290
00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:24,781
What are you doing?
| thought you said start slacking off.
291
00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:27,826
Not slacking off.
292
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:31,038
Dude, swear to God.
She gave me a Jane Hathaway.
293
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:34,833
Right on my chest. My man
knows what I'm talking about.
294
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,961
Doesn't anyone work
around here? And, Cyril...
295
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:42,299
...| am so disgusted with you right now
| just wanna vomit.
296
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,469
That's exactly what | said to Lana.
297
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,804
GRUNTS THEN SCREAMS
298
00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:49,056
PA BEEPS
299
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,308
PAM:
Thirty-seven. Thirty-seven.
300
00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,186
SPEAKS IN FRENCH
301
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:56,646
Uh-- Move.
MALORY: Ugh.
302
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:58,023
ZIPS FLY
303
00:14:58,190 --> 00:14:59,608
Just get it done by Friday.
304
00:14:59,775 --> 00:15:00,817
LINE RINGS
305
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:04,404
MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE
AND ARCHER SCREAMING
306
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,656
LINE RINGING
307
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,243
MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE
AND ARCHER SCREAMING
308
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:11,620
CRASHING
309
00:15:11,787 --> 00:15:12,996
LINE RINGING
310
00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:14,498
SIGHS
311
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:17,834
MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE
AND ARCHER SCREAMING
312
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:21,505
Oh, come on Sterling,
pick up, pick--
313
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:24,091
Sterling? Sterling?
What's wrong, are you in--?
314
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,177
ARCHER:
Ha. Alternate voicemail.
315
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,888
You know what to do, stupid.
OPERATOR: We're sorry--
316
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:32,682
I'm done. He's dead to me.
317
00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:34,518
ARCHER:
Mother.
318
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:37,521
SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN
319
00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:46,530
Oh, my God, I'm exhausted.
320
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,615
Whereas | am
merely confused.
321
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:51,034
If you told every guy
the same thing...
322
00:15:51,201 --> 00:15:54,204
...then they all know that none
of them had sex with you.
323
00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:57,374
They're all gonna realize they're all lying.
Hey, yeah.
324
00:15:57,541 --> 00:16:01,294
Wait a minute.
But remember, they're dudes.
325
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,088
What?
326
00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:05,882
| had sex with Lana.
Me too.
327
00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:09,302
Lana Kane, you magnificent bastard.
Mwah.
328
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:13,265
| jJust hope Cyril doesn't, like, snap.
Cyril? Snap?
329
00:16:13,431 --> 00:16:15,559
Snap.
Girl, please.
330
00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:20,063
Seven, six, two, millimeter...
331
00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:22,232
...full metal jacket--
332
00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:23,441
DOOR OPENS
333
00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:24,901
Someone's in here.
334
00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:28,530
Holy shit snacks.
You made over 20 grand.
335
00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:29,948
Minus my 60 bucks.
336
00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:32,576
Plus Cyril's broken heart.
Not too shabs, Pam.
337
00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:35,370
Are you kidding?
Thirty-six guys?
338
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:37,539
It's like Schindler's List up in here.
339
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:40,083
Pam!
And I'm like that little Gandhi dude.
340
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,085
Pam.
Helping out with the books, and--
341
00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:46,548
Inappropriate analogies?
What the hell is wrong with you?
342
00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:50,260
Nothing. I'm a desirable...
343
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:54,222
...full-bodied woman
but nobody will have sex with me.
344
00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:57,934
And | have so much love to give.
345
00:16:58,101 --> 00:16:59,144
SOBBING
346
00:16:59,311 --> 00:17:00,604
SIGHS
347
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,898
Get on the desk.
Really?
348
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:05,108
Yeah, come on.
Before | change my mind.
349
00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:09,279
But you cannot say a word.
| won't tell anybody.
350
00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:10,947
No, honey,
| mean during.
351
00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:13,575
Because I'm gonna pretend
you're Alex Karras.
352
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,620
THUNDER CRASHING
353
00:17:17,621 --> 00:17:19,623
SNORING
354
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:23,126
And that's your message?
My God, who--?
355
00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:24,336
GLASS SHATTERING
356
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:25,754
Who's there? What do you want?
357
00:17:25,921 --> 00:17:29,966
Because all you're gonna get
is holes. |I-- | mean holes in you...
358
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,134
...not my-- Hah!
359
00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:32,344
THUNDER CRASHING
360
00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:34,971
Sterling?
Hello, Mother.
361
00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:36,806
Where the hell have you been?
362
00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:40,435
| don't know.
And why do you have a cleaver?
363
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:46,983
| don't know.
Well, you're safe now. So get out.
364
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:49,945
I'm hungry.
So lick that coat. You smell like a--
365
00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:52,113
Grilled cheese.
What?
366
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,450
Cl NN R
I'm not grilling you a cheese.
367
00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:57,786
SOBBING
368
00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:01,665
Oh, for God's sake.
369
00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:06,169
Waltz in here, dressed like
some sort of cattle-rapist.
370
00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:09,047
Waving a cleaver and reeking
of what | hope to God is meat.
371
00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:10,757
And that's all you have to say?
372
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:13,843
| don't know.
| was worried sick. Called you twice...
373
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,595
...came this close to leaving--
374
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:19,808
And why doesn't your voicemail just say,
"Leave a message, I'm a jackass"?
375
00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:22,143
| don't know.
| don't know. | don't know.
376
00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:23,645
What is wrong with you?
377
00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:26,022
My head hurts. And | have no father.
378
00:18:26,189 --> 00:18:28,525
Sterling, of course you have a father.
379
00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:31,069
Just maybe not the one you wanted.
And you--
380
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:33,863
And me neither. Because even though
that whole weekend. ..
381
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:37,701
...Is just a big jazzy blur,
I'm pretty sure it wasn't Buddy.
382
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:42,289
And all these years, you lied to me.
Sterling, | was protecting you.
383
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,165
From what, this sandwich?
384
00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:47,711
This is Swiss, Mother!
Because that's all | had. You ass.
385
00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:51,589
Just like I'm all that you have.
Well, | hate it. And | hate you.
386
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:54,551
Sterling Malory Archer,
you will eat...
387
00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:58,763
...every last crumb
of that sandwich.
388
00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:02,058
Then get out. I'll call you a cab.
389
00:19:02,225 --> 00:19:03,560
LINE RINGING
AND ARCHER SCREAMING
390
00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:05,186
Sterling, stop that this instant.
391
00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:06,730
SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN
392
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:09,065
Kill Mother.
AY-¥-1al
393
00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:11,151
Ah. Kill Mother.
394
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:14,821
Police, police, have to call the--
\Waah!
395
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:20,201
Déja vu, huh? I'm having a nightmare
and you lock me out of your bedroom?
396
00:19:20,368 --> 00:19:23,913
Sterling, no, stay back.
Only this time, you'll be crying for help.
397
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,082
Sterling!
And I'll be the one drinking...
398
00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:30,253
...and laughing in there with Uncle Buddy!
Sterling, I'm warning you.
399
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,548
Sterling!
400
00:19:34,924 --> 00:19:36,509
THUD
401
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:38,553
Sterling?
402
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:41,723
Sterling. Sterling!
403
00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:44,059
ARCHER:
What? God.
404
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:49,272
Well, whose fault is that?
Waving a cleaver, screaming in Russian?
405
00:19:49,439 --> 00:19:50,482
I'm sorry.
406
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:53,109
Seriously, | don't know
what's going on with my head.
407
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:56,696
Filthy coat, can't tell what's
cow's blood and what's yours.
408
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,782
The wet blood, Mother, Is mine.
409
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:01,034
And it's ruining my brand-new linens.
Yol
410
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:04,621
This is why | can't have nice things.
Why, because you shoot them?
411
00:20:04,788 --> 00:20:07,290
Serves you right.
You nearly scared me to death.
412
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:10,460
Well, you obviously weren't
that scared, judging by your grouping.
413
00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:13,380
unh.
Hah. Guess the old gal's still got it.
414
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:16,883
All six, right in the 10 ring.
Hooray.
415
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,719
Just like | taught you.
Without any help from...
416
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:23,139
...whoever your father is.
Yeah, you were always there for me.
417
00:20:23,306 --> 00:20:27,185
Which | never really thank you for.
Sterling, | don't need thanks.
418
00:20:27,352 --> 00:20:30,063
That's what makes me
such a wonderful mother.
419
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:32,649
Ha-ha. Are you kidding?
Don't be shitty.
420
00:20:32,816 --> 00:20:36,361
Can't we just enjoy the moment?
Yeah, how could we not?
421
00:21:13,731 --> 00:21:14,732
English - US - PSDH
32432
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