All language subtitles for St.Denis.Medical.S01E03.Weird.Stuff.You.Cant.Explain.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Well, your son's
surgery went great.

They're just
stitching him up now,

and then you can go in
and see him.

Thank you so much.

Would it be weird
to give you a hug?

I think it'd be weird
if you didn't.

I've become kind of
the go-to guy

for communicating
good news with families.

Huge responsibility.

I'm basically the voice
of the hospital.

Honestly, pretty flattered
they trusted me with it.

Yeah, we have Matt
update the families

because it's basically
impossible to screw up.

So for the first few weeks
after a hernia surgery,

he's not going to want to lift
anything over 20 pounds.

Hernia surgery?

He's here to have
his toe reattached.

- His toe?
- His pinky toe, yeah.

What hernia?

Unless you gave the news
to the wrong family.

Uh, well, um, when they
were working on the toe,

which is obviously
the primary reason he's here,

they discovered the hernia.

How did they find a hernia
by looking at his toe?

Well, it's all connected.

Uh, the toe bone's
connected to the--

you know the song.

At any rate,
the hernia has been repaired.

That's gratis, by the way,
and now onto the toe, so...

- Excuse me.
- Ah!

My son's also here
for a hernia surgery.

Do you how that's going?
- Can't help you.

Sorry.
- What--

If you have any questions,

Dr. Taylor will be performing
your appendectomy.

Otherwise, we can
head on over to the OR.

I'm sorry,
but she says you can't start

until her cross is here.

My cousin's
bringing it over now.

Well, we have plenty of
crosses here we could lend her.

She really shouldn't wait.

No.

She only wants her cross.
She feels it will protect her.

Mrs. Gutierrez,
Dr. Taylor really is

one of
the best surgeons around.

Yes.
Ignore the outfit.

I was in a cardio tennis class
when they paged me, so...

You are in
very capable hands.

Hm.

More capable
than Jesus Christ?

I'm sorry.
That's how she said it.

Well, maybe,
um, different, uh,

specialties, ma'am.
- I will wait.

Well, page me when it comes.

I am going to try
to get my steps in.

You don't waste
a minute, huh?

What's that?
I'm on a-- yeah.

Hey.
Oh, no, that was just some guy.

The woman has a ticking
time bomb in her body,

an experienced surgeon
ready to remove it,

and all she's worried about
is if

her lucky charm is in the room.

- It's her religion.
- Religion is not the point.

We offered her a cross,

but it was the magic
of her specific cross

that she wanted.
It's just kind of crazy.

Yeah, and she had
a super annoying son.

- No, that's not--
- They were annoying.

What?
I'm agreeing with you, Ron.

Well, this isn't
a personal thing.

I just think it's
a little nuts that people

are still putting their
superstition over science.

Yeah, but there's truth
to superstitions, though.

Mm-hmm.

Like how saying
it's a quiet shift

makes it get busy.
- Oh, my God.

It doesn't.

Or how full moons
bring out the crazies.

- They don't.
- Oh, come on.

Everybody has something
that they believe in

that's not 100% proven.

Like, I'm into astrology.

Does the science hold up?
No, but it's fun.

Wait, wait, hold on.
Alex, you believe in astrology?

No.
- I don't know.

I just think it's fun
to read my horoscope

and see
how people's signs match up

with their personalities.
- Wow.

This'll be good.
I'm a Capricorn.

So why don't you tell me
about myself, Nostradamus?

Capricorns are supposed to be
intelligent, ambitious leaders.

Oh, sure.
OK.

That's a little interesting.

Oh.

Our philosophy here
at St. Denis

is that you can't heal the body
without also healing the soul,

and that is where
Chaplain Steve comes in.

- Good morning.
- Chaplain Steve is so amazing.

He speaks multiple languages.

How many languages
do you speak?

- Two.
- Two.

So bilingual.
Wow.

Well, he provides so much
comfort to those in need--

the elderly, the infirm.
But don't worry.

I don't let him
around the kids.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

And that's priests,
not chaplains.

Not all priests,
but, of course, some.

So what are you talking
to Mrs. Gutierrez about?

Doña Maria and I
were just discussing

the importance of faith.
- Faith, yes.

Oh, I'm obsessed with faith.
Go on.

Well, I-- I was telling her
the story about

Naaman the Aramean,
whose leprosy was cured

when the prophet Gehazi
had him bathe

in the Jordan River.
- Mm.

Mm, mm, mm.
I love it.

Sorry, did you say
the prophet Gehazi?

Gehazi, yes.

Oh.

Cool.

First of all,
that's a parable about grace,

not faith.

Also, the prophet
in that story is Elisha.

Gehazi is his servant,
who he cursed with leprosy.

I mean, I learned this stuff
when I was seven

in a coloring book.

Mr. Plemmons in 3
is recovering.

Should be able to go home soon.
- Well, that's great news.

Knock on wood.

Well, if we're still on this,
that is Formica,

and I'm sure
that is a pet peeve

for your wood demons.

Oh, it's the thought
that counts.

- And the amoxicillin.
- Yes, that's true, actually.

They both count, OK?

Only, magical thinking, that
doesn't really do anything.

You're wrong, dude.

There's weird stuff
you can't explain.

Like, every time I wear
my lucky pink socks,

nobody codes.

So why don't you
wear them every day?

Because that'd be gross.

And my laundry
is in the basement.

Well, I mean, I wish
all that magic did work.

It'd make my job
a whole lot easier.

Zap!
No more cirrhosis.

Zap!
No more cancer.

- Wait, I have cancer?
- Uh, no, no.

We're just kidding, man.
You good.

In Serena's defense, though,
there is some evidence

behind magical thinking.
You know,

like, carrying
a rabbit's foot

might not cure hypertension,

but if rubbing one
calms you down,

then it could lower
your blood pressure.

That's my girl.

That's just
the placebo effect.

That doesn't mean
mystical spirits

are working behind the scenes.

I'm just saying,
don't mess with stuff

you don't understand.
- Or what?

Maybe we don't find out
or what,

and we all just do our jobs.

Attention, people.
Quick announcement.

I'm calling on all spirits,
good and evil,

to use your magic
and your powers

to hex this place.
So I guess we'll see.

No, I get that
it's alarming

that your finger smells
like that,

but you still have
to wait your turn.

Hi, um, I brought
my Aunt Maria's cross,

Maria Gutierrez.
She's getting her appendix out.

- You can just give it to me.
- Oh, it's just outside.

Mother [bleep].

Going to need to leave
this gauze on for a bit.

Take it easy.

Maybe save that mud wrestling
for another night, OK?

Well, I hope you're happy.

Oh, I haven't
been happy in years.

I'm satisfied.

I just drained
the most beautiful abscess.

I mean, this thing was, mwah.

I meant 'cause
your hex already started.

That guy who came in
for heatstroke,

they found melanoma on his ear,
so nice work.

Someone comes to a hospital

and is diagnosed
with a disease?

This is unheard of.

OK, well, how do you explain
Nurse Angie getting pink eye

from the patient in 2?

We had to send her home
for the day.

Angie got pink eye

because she doesn't wash
her damn hands.

Transport to
vascular imaging please.

Uh, and this is
one of our walls

that you may recognize
from the hallways.

Oh, Chaplain Steve.
How goes it?

You doing that
God's work or what?

- Sure.
- Nice.

You know, I actually grew up
pretty relig myself.

What denomination you repping?

I don't disclose that.

It muddies my work
as an interfaith chaplain.

OK, Catholic.
Just kidding.

Anyway,
I'm pretty new around here,

as you can probably tell,
and I'm just learning so much.

I guess I kind of feel like
the Apostle Paul

whenever he attended
the Sermon on the Mount.

You ever have days like that?
- Sure, sure.

Those Paul mountain moments?
All the time.

- Hmm.
- But if you'll excuse me, I--

I really should be going.
- Yeah.

Yes, you should.

I'm sorry, so you think
our chaplain is a liar?

Not a liar, a fraud, Joyce.

And this is because of a
disagreement about scripture?

He thinks Paul attended
the Sermon on the Mount.

Oh, OK, I guess while Paul
was out spreading

the good word in Asia,
he also had a moment

to build a time machine.

I know I have a lot to learn
on the nursing side.

I admit that.

But the Bible?

Let's just say when you're
only allowed to read one book,

you get to know
that book pretty well.

Well, you know,
he probably just misspoke.

I say things all the time.
I can't defend half of it.

What do we know
about this guy, really?

He's a chaplain.

His name is Steve.
He's Chaplain Steve.

Yeah, says who, OK?

Where did he go
to divinity school?

You know, who ordained him?

I mean, did you even bother to
do a background check, Joyce?

Did you do your job, Joyce?

Excuse me?

Sorry, um, I had
a black tea this morning,

and that will
never happen again.

I'll stick to water.

You know,
there's a lot to it.

Hmm?

There's a lot to this
astrology stuff.

Oh, yeah.
It's fun, right?

It's fascinating.

I mean, it sucks that
it's been appropriated

by all these
woo-woo white ladies

because when you
really think about it,

the science backs it up.

It's not about
the science for me.

I just like it.

Well, you might think,
are Capricorns actually tough?

But a baby born in winter
would have to be

more resilient from
an evolutionary standpoint.

I mean, the weaker babies
simply wouldn't make it.

OK, I-- I got to take this.

I'm actually thinking,
the moon moves the ocean,

so why wouldn't it
affect a fetus?

Yeah.

A fetus is smaller
than an ocean.

It's actually way smaller.

I've actually decided
this goes

in the women's restroom now,
so...

Oh, wow.
Huh.

Oh! Oh!
Hey, Val, do you need a hand?

Yes.
Thank you so much.

Of course.
Happy to help.

Hey, anyone around
to give Val a hand?

She's really struggling here!

Hang in there.

Mitch, call maintenance
for the guy in 1.

His TV's not working.

For some reason.

Those flat screens
are from the Clinton era.

And the printer in Zone B
just ran out of ink,

so we can't use it.

The low toner light's
been blinking for days.

My son just called.

He didn't make varsity.
Thanks, Ron.

OK, enough.

These are just normal things
that happen all the time.

People get sick.
Electronics break.

And, Keith, no offense.
I met your son.

He's an inside kid.

So can we all
just take a breath?

- Dr. Taylor, what happened?
- Oh, I went for a quick hike.

I got bit by a rattlesnake.
- Antivenom in 105!

Surgeons getting bit
by snakes.

Is that something
that happens all the time?

I feel like I'd remember that.

He says he graduated from
your divinity school in 2010.

Steve Lassen.
He's 5'10", brown eyes.

With some golden flecks.

- Oh, I never noticed that.
- Mm-hmm.

They're nice.

Yeah, no record
of that name here.

Yes!
We got him.

Are you sure?
Maybe you can check again.

Uh, just checked again.
Still nothing.

OK, um, well,
thanks for your help,

and, uh, blessed be
the fruits of your day.

As if I don't have enough
to do today already.

Fire a chaplain,
hire a chaplain.

Paperwork, paperwork.

Feels pretty good,
though, right?

Should we take this
across the board?

I could start looking into
some of the doctors.

No!
No, no, not needed.

Oh, because I have
already checked,

and they're fine.

Win for Matt.

So with Dr. Taylor out,
I'll be handling

the Gutierrez appendectomy.

I could really use your help.
- Sure. What's up?

So it looks like
Uranus is completing its cycle,

which,
I don't have to tell you,

it could be alarming.
What do you think?

- You've eaten today, right?
- Hey. Hi. Hey.

I need you here, Alex.
Come on.

This isn't [bleep] Pluto
we're dealing with.

This is serious.

- Oh, no.
- .

Oh, you brought
your crystals.

Do we really need these?

We got to shake up
the energy in here.

There's snakes now.

Well, I've always said
the fate of our patients

rests on whether or not
there's a tiny piece

of quartz on this counter.

You, you saved the hospital!

First off,
that's peach moonstone.

And I'm not saying these can,
like, cure kidney disease,

but there is something real
about vibes.

So are these vibes here
with us right now in the room?

Yes, just because
you can't see something

doesn't mean it's not there.

I mean, we've only known about
germs for, like, 200 years.

- That's not a bad point.
- Thank you.

- Oh, not you too.
- I'm just saying.

I refuse to live in a world
in which you are on their side.

At the very least,
the hex has gotten into

people's heads.
It's been a very weird day.

And not to make this about me,
but I think Bruce

and I are best friends now,

and it's been
very destabilizing.

So can you just
please, please, please,

can you just indulge everyone
and say the hex is over?

No, I'm not going to validate
some kind of nonsense

that leads to bad medicine.

If I give in on this,
then I'm part of the problem.

OK.

So the hex stays
because the hex isn't real.

In fact,
I'm doubling down on the hex.

Double hex, people.
- Actually--

And before you say one hex

can cancel out the other,
triple hex!

Damn it.

Ah!
Where's the [bleep] antivenom?

Almost ready, Steph.

Technically, the word is
"antivenin," not "venom."

It's a common mistake.

Thank God
you were here, Bruce.

That was a close one.
- Jesus, what happened here?

I got bit by a rattlesnake.

So now we're down a nurse,
a chaplain, and a surgeon?

What is with today?

Ron, you want
to take this one?

Yeah, it's fine.

We're going to give her
the antivenom for the bite...

Venin.

And maybe toss in
some crystals

and change the vibe
of the poison.

It actually doesn't look
too bad, honestly.

It's, you know,
swollen, pale, kind of blotchy.

- It's the other one.
- Oh, my God!

That's much worse.

- Yeah.
- Wow, that was one snake?

- Yeah.
- You're kidding.

Oh, wow.

- I'm sorry.
- Bruce!

- I don't know why I did that.
- Can you--

There's really
not much else I can say

other than I'm so sorry.

You almost got away with it,

but you want to know
where you slipped up?

- Not really.
- Can I still do my speech?

Steve, I'm going to have
to let you go.

You're firing me because

I didn't graduate
divinity school?

Joyce, I'm a good chaplain.

I don't need an official degree
to comfort the sick.

Look, I want to do this
even less than you, believe me,

but St. Denis has
a zero tolerance policy

for lying about credentials.

And we all know
where liars go.

Oh, or maybe you don't know.

Who is this guy?

Yeah, it's incredible.

Astrology really helps you
reframe toxic narratives.

For instance, this resident
Carrie and I had this thing,

and I always thought
she broke up with me

because I cheated on her,
but, no,

it turns out
we were both cheating--

our fate.
Yeah.

I'm an earth sign.
She's a fire sign.

Totally incompatible.

Whereas her sister and I,
well--

You!

Grab the other end of this!

- Oh, I'm not really--
- Just do it!

Uh, OK, fine.
Yeah. OK.

All right, hold on, hold on.
I got it.

Yeah, there. How's that?
- Go left.

- Yeah, OK.
- No, left!

- My hands are wet.
- We're so close.

Let's just get there.
- Yeah.

- Hurry up!
- Oh!

Ow!

Oh, my finger.

Damn it.

Are you sure
you can handle this?

Oh.

Yeah, this should be
a total breeze.

Just because
we're down a chaplain

doesn't mean people
have suddenly stopped

needing spiritual guidance.

Luckily,
there's someone on staff

who's an expert in both
medicine and the Bible.

Also, the sequel to the Bible
that my grandpa wrote.

This is just a temporary fix.

You will not believe what
happens to masturbators in it.

OK, I have a script.
Let us pray.

Amen.

Heavenly Father,
Bless Mr. Name--

uh, his-- his name,
which is Mr. Normand.

You know, I think the D
might be silent.

He kind of looks French to me.
- For sure.

Um, bless Mr. Normand
or "Nor-mahn,"

depending on
his Frenchness, Lord,

in this time of weakness
and comfort him

with the promise
of loading next page--

uh, with the promise
of eternal life.

You don't have this
memorized?

This is my first time
doing this.

I'm trying to find the groove--
- Keep going.

Keep going.
- Almighty God, we entrust--

It's gambling time!

Subscribe for
instant $200 credit.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
You know what?

- No questions asked.
- I'm just going to--

I'm going to subscribe.

Do you have a credit card
I could use or--

Uh, sorry.
Let me fix that.

Um-- oh, that is not
life support.

So no big deal.
I can turn this off.

Nope.

There's a plug.
- Désolé.

God, what a day.

We almost lost
the second most valuable

instrument in this hospital--
my hand.

Mm-hmm.
Good thing it's not broken.

Yeah, but still,
the swelling's not

going down anytime soon,
and Mrs. Gutierrez

can't really risk
another delay,

so I'm going to need you
to do the surgery.

What?
What happened to the backup?

I was the backup.
What's the problem, Ron?

You've done this
plenty of times.

Yeah, not in, like, a decade.

And this time,
it'll be even easier because

you'll have access
to the first most valuable

instrument in the hospital--

my brain.

I know what'll help.

I'll show you a GIF of that
"you can do it" guy

from those Adam Sandler movies,
you know.

You can do it!

So funny.

- Ready for the first trocar.
- All right, here we go.

Be confident, but go easy.

Mean it, but don't force it.

Be gentle, but--
- Stop talking.

Such a Pisces.

Well,
that didn't go perfectly,

but it was just my first time,

and I think if I could practice
on some already dead people--

sounds spooky--
but I'm brave and--

Chaplain Steve,
you're still here.

I promised Mrs. Gutierrez
I'd be here when she wakes up.

I hope that's OK with you.
- Yes, of course.

Actually, that's very--
that's very thoughtful.

These are from home.

I brought
the cotton balls in,

and then now
I'm taking them home.

Look, in the spirit
of grace and whatnot,

I would like you to stay on
as chaplain.

- We should probably talk--
- What?

OK, but you're going to have
to go to divinity school

at night on your own dime.

- Is this an official--
- Is that fair?

Absolutely.
Thank you so much.

- Oh.
- I appreciate this.

It's all right.

Blessings be upon you.

And, hey,
no hard feelings, man.

You know, it's actually
a really tough job,

and you seem to be
super good at it, so...

Honestly, dude,
step off me right now.

Oh.

Uh, OK.

Uh, sorry.

Perfect.
Camera's where you want it.

Now try to get to the colon,
and we'll be right there.

There's a lot of scar tissue.

That's OK. Keep going.
See if you can push past it.

- Can't seem to get around it.
- Behind.

Nice and easy.
That's it, real gentle.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, ooh.
Are you seeing this, Bruce?

Yeah, wow, all right,
it's really starting to bleed.

I can't see.
I need suction.

You're gonna have
to open her up.

- What?
- You know you have to, Ron.

Open her up.

All right,
we're opening her up!

Give me a 10 blade.

Let's have
the appendectomy retractor

and DeBakey clamp ready.
- Yes, Doctor.

Let's transfuse two units
of packed red blood cells.

- Transfusing two units.
- Ron?

- BP is dropping.
- Ron, we need to move.

I heard you.

- 80, 70.
- Come on, Ron.

OK, all right,
all right.

Oh, I wouldn't call
what I did in there prayer.

It was, uh, more a verbal,
uh, centering of--

Look, there are no atheists
in the foxhole, OK?

Nice.

- Hey, great job in there.
- Thank you.

Just like riding a bike,

which is, frankly,
terrifying at my age.

It seemed like you were
talking to someone in the sky,

perhaps like a sky scientist?
- Hmm.

Heavenly Father,
please make her disappear.

Oh, wow.
Well, she's not going anywhere.

This is a hard job
for all of us.

And you learn pretty early on

that you have to cling
to whatever's going to get you

through the day,
whether that's your beliefs

or your friendships or even
just a lucky pair of socks.

You do what
you have to do because

we're all here
for the same reason.

We want to help people.
- Alex. Oh, excuse me.

This is important.

How familiar are you with
the Chinese zodiac?

So I'm Year of the Monkey.

And since Capricorn's a goat,
that makes me a goat monkey

or, as I call it, a "gonkey."

Um, let me go get a pen.
I'll draw it for you.

It was just something I like
to do sometimes, you know?

For fun.
It was-- it was fun.