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1
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:37,040
..so he's seeing the sister
while his wife's in hospital.
2
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:38,160
Wow !
3
00:00:38,160 --> 00:00:40,960
So he makes the babysitter pregnant !
4
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:45,960
He can't choose between the wife,
the sister, or the babysitter !
5
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,280
When's his next confession ?
6
00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,800
Tuesday. I'll keep you posted.
7
00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:52,120
I'm really looking forward to this.
8
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:57,440
Me too, Ted. It shouldn't be
just work, work, work, should it ?
9
00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:02,400
People aren't going to join some cult
just because we go for a picnic.
10
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:10,000
Those cults ! Everyone dressing
in black saying our Lord's going
to come back and judge us all.
11
00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:14,240
No, Dougal, that's us.
That's Catholicism.
12
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,640
Right.
13
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:20,480
Here's the sandwiches for the picnic
14
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:21,840
The rest are in the kitchen.
15
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,320
Great !
16
00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:25,120
I hope you enjoy them, Father.
17
00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,840
I love a sandwich from time to time.
18
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:30,480
As long as it isn't egg, Mrs Doyle.
19
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:34,120
I wouldn't eat an egg sandwich
if you paid me.
20
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:36,840
They're horrible, stinking things.
21
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:41,160
Do you remember me saying
I wanted anything but egg ?
22
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:42,480
They're egg, aren't they, Mrs Doyle ?
23
00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:43,960
Yes.
24
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:44,640
Great (!)
25
00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:47,360
I'll eat them, Mrs Doyle. I love egg
26
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:51,960
I like egg so much
I think I'll turn into a giant egg.
27
00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:54,960
I think that process has begun.
28
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:56,080
Sorry, Ted ?
29
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,440
No, nothing. So, ready ?
30
00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:00,520
Ready as I'll ever be.
31
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:04,240
I've never looked forward
to anything as much as this picnic.
32
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:05,680
Right.
33
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:09,400
Oh, wait, Ted.
I've just remembered, I can't go.
34
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,560
DOORBELL
35
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,640
How are ya ? Is Dougal in ?
36
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:23,600
Hello, Father.
37
00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:24,840
Hello, Sergeant.
38
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,040
Just doing the rounds.
39
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:28,760
After some crazed murderer, no doubt.
40
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:29,920
What was that ?
41
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:31,120
Sorry ?
42
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:32,600
Something about a crazed murderer.
43
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,000
I was only joking.
44
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:40,360
Oh. But if you ever hear of a crazed
murderer on the loose, report it.
45
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:41,840
Right.
46
00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:44,520
It's very quiet here, not much crime
47
00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,840
So if you hear of anything.
48
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,880
A car wrongly parked - anything.
49
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:51,920
Tax up to date on that car ?
50
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,360
It is, yes.
51
00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:54,720
Thought it might.
52
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,080
Bye, Sergeant.
53
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,160
Who was that young priest, Father ?
54
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,240
Oh, I don't know.
55
00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,840
So, Father McGuire isn't going
on the picnic, then ?
56
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:10,640
No, but I'm meeting Larry Duff
and the lads from St Callum's.
57
00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,800
I'll give them a call.
58
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:13,720
All egg, yeah ?
59
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:15,920
Yes.
60
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:20,240
MOBILE PHONE
61
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:28,200
Hello ? Hallo, Ted.
62
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:29,600
Hello, Larry. How are you ?
63
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,360
Oh, grand. Bit of a problem, though.
64
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:35,320
Mightn't be able to make the picnic.
65
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,120
Ah, God, Larry. Why ?
66
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:41,520
You know Father Williams
who was driving us over ?
67
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:46,440
They found a big box of machine guns
in his house.
68
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,280
I wouldn't have thought
he'd be into that type of thing.
69
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,200
Well, you think you know someone.
70
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,840
Anyway, there you go. Bye.
71
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,400
Well, just myself, I suppose.
72
00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:16,840
DRINK !
73
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,680
It's not drink, Father.
It's just fizzy water.
74
00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,200
JACOB'S CREEK CHARDONNAY, 1991 !
75
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,040
You can tell that from the sound ?
76
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:27,200
Drink ! Drink ! Drink !
77
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:32,240
I was thinking of going on
a little picnic, on my own. Outside.
78
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:37,040
You wouldn't like it, Father.
You'd be much happier here. >
79
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:03,360
Do you want one ?
80
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,880
No, thanks, Father Lennon.
81
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,440
What time's your tea ready ?
82
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,880
Frosty has it about six.
83
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,880
Who ?
84
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:13,520
Frosty - Father Frost.
85
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,280
Oh, wow - Frosty ! Brilliant !
86
00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,920
What do you call your fella ?
87
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,240
Who, Ted ?
88
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,280
Just "Ted".
89
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,480
But it's the way I say it, y'know ?
90
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,520
He's an eejit, isn't he ?
91
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,120
Yeah.
92
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:35,040
Which do you prefer -
Oasis or Blur ?
93
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:35,480
Blur.
94
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:36,360
WHAT ?
95
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,640
I mean Oasis !
96
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,720
Father Damien ! Your tea is ready !
97
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,120
I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE !
98
00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,840
Great. Here we go.
99
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,080
What the fup are you doin' here ? >
100
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,640
This is my fuppin' spot !
Get the fup off !
101
00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:08,440
Tell him, Frank.
102
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,760
Could you not go over there ?
103
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,880
No fuppin' way !
104
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:15,400
F-U-P O-F-F !
105
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,400
We come here every fuppin' Sunday !
106
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,160
This is Saturday.
107
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,640
Hit 'im, Frank! I'll hit 'im for ya!
108
00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,840
SHE FUPPIN' WOULD, TOO !
109
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,880
SO WOULD I, YOU FUPPIN' BAXTERED !
110
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,880
Why are you talking like that ?
111
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,200
FUP OFF, YOU GRASSHOLE !
112
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,360
I don't see...
113
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:38,080
THAT'S IT !
I'M CALLIN' THE FUPPIN' MAN !
114
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:40,280
HEY ! HEY !
115
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,040
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
116
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,080
"What's the problem there ?"
117
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,080
THIS BAXTERED PRIEST IS IN OUR SPOT!
118
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:54,800
We were just....
119
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:56,440
"Put the fork down."
120
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,240
What ? Oh, I wasn't going to...
121
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,800
"Put the fork down."
122
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:10,960
"Put your hands very slowly
to your sides. Slowly !"
123
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:17,440
"All right. I'm going
to put the megaphone down, now."
124
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:31,640
Now, I'm going to reach
inside my pocket, all right ?
125
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:33,960
Nice and slow.
126
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,400
Everything's fine.
127
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,840
Cigarette ?
128
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,480
To be honest, I'm just going home.
129
00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:45,560
Fup off, you pedrophile !
130
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,560
Oi ! Come on !
131
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:52,560
Nothing to see here.
Back to the picnic ! (BLOWS WHISTLE)
132
00:07:55,440 --> 00:08:00,160
You wouldn't believe the day I had.
I met the rudest couple.
133
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:05,360
Benson was blowing his bloody whistle
- someone should take it off him !
134
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:06,840
Anyway, where did you go off to ?
135
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,320
I went off with Father Damo Lennon.
136
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:09,880
He's with Frosty.
137
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:10,880
Who ?
138
00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:12,240
Father Frost.
139
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,560
Oh, yes. Father Frost.
140
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,840
He said they might come over.
141
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,440
Father Damo's great.
142
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,520
Why are you walking like that ?
143
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:22,480
Like what, Ted ?
144
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,680
Like a crab.
145
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:26,480
Sorry, Ted.
146
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:30,720
Dougal, what's that ?
147
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:32,920
What ? This ? Nothing.
148
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,000
Dougal, it's an earring !
149
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,720
Oh, right. It is all right, yeah.
150
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,800
Dougal, you can't wear an earring !
151
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:45,080
All the young priests have them.
Father Damo has one.
152
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,480
I see. Did Father Damo
give you the idea ?
153
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,880
Yeah. He's great.
154
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,440
What next ? Crack cocaine ?
155
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,600
Crack cocaine ? Come on, Ted.
156
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:01,160
You'll have to take it out.
157
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:04,040
You don't know what's goin' on.
158
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:09,000
I was young once. God, the things
we got up to in the seminary.
159
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:13,040
Once we mitched off
to see a Dana concert !
160
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,480
Dana !
161
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,840
You have to be mad to listen to her.
162
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:22,400
Father Bigley listens to Dana,
and he's not mad.
163
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:25,000
Why's he in that home, then ?
164
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:30,640
He's there... because of those fires.
But that has nothing to do with Dana.
165
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,120
Now take that earring out.
166
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:35,720
I should be able to do what I like.
I'm nearly 26.
167
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:38,360
You still treat me like I was 24.
168
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:43,960
I'll treat you like a 26-year-old
when you start acting like one.
169
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:46,520
Anyway, it's time for your bath.
170
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,560
OH, NO !
171
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,760
Hello, Father !
172
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,880
Hello, Father !
173
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,480
Hello !
174
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:35,800
How are things ?
175
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,480
Fine !
176
00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,960
Good !
177
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,920
Well, I'll see you later.
178
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,120
Go ! Go ! Go !
179
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,120
YOU BASTARD !
180
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,000
SLAG !
181
00:10:58,680 --> 00:10:59,800
Hello, Mary.
182
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,000
Hello, Father.
183
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,960
Hello, Father.
184
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,000
Hello, John.
185
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,800
Mary was just washing my hair.
186
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,720
She has such lovely soft hands.
187
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,600
I was looking for some firelighters.
188
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,720
I'll get them.
189
00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:18,520
I didn't know Sergeant Hodgins
had a helicopter.
190
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:23,080
Yes. He had to get one
because of this whistle thing.
191
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:23,760
Whistle ?
192
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:25,560
Look.
193
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,600
< Isn't it terrible, Father ?
194
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:35,920
Who'd have thought that
law and order would break down
on Craggy Island ?
195
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:37,800
< God help us all, Father !
196
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,320
Yes, but if it's only a whistle...
197
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:45,600
I had to buy myself
a shotgun and everything.
198
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:48,320
I wouldn't hesitate to use that now.
199
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:53,280
If that man tried to steal any of
the whistles I have in here,...
200
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:57,520
..I'd blow his flicking head off !
Ha ha ha !
201
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:02,800
I have it cocked an' all,
so I can get the jump on him !
202
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,400
Isn't it dangerous to have it cocked?
203
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,400
Not at all.
204
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:11,080
So long as you don't drop it
or something.
205
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:16,240
There y'are. If they don't work,
we'll give you a refund.
206
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,480
Okay, so. Thanks very much.
207
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,520
You fekking eejit ! Give me that !
208
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:26,920
Father, did you hear about
the whistle ?
209
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:32,640
What next ? Somebody'll be murdered,
and then what ? Drive-by shootings.
210
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,640
It'll be like "Boyz N The Hood".
211
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,760
There'll be whores on the street,...
212
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:43,320
..and pimps using crack
to keep the whores under control.
213
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:48,640
GUNSHOT
I'm locking myself in the basement
till they catch that fella.
214
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,160
Bye.
215
00:12:56,640 --> 00:13:00,760
They really are making
too big a deal of this.
216
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:05,360
Look - a special
pull-out supplement on whistles.
217
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:09,040
I don't know.
218
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:12,200
Dougal, aren't you going
to introduce me to your friend ?
219
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,400
Oh, this is Father Damo.
220
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,560
How are ya ?
221
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:21,760
Hello, Father.
Playing the old computer game there ?
222
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:24,240
PHONE
223
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:28,880
Hello ? Father Ted Crilly speaking.
224
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:32,480
Ah ! Father Frost.
Yes, I'll tell him.
225
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:38,080
Father Damien. Father Frost says
you're to go home. Your tea's ready.
226
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,000
I'm not going.
I'm having dinner here.
227
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,840
Oh, are you (?)
228
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:47,640
Hello, Father ?
He's staying here for dinner.
229
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:52,240
Father Frost said
you're to go home now.
230
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,960
Did you tell him
I'm having dinner here ?
231
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,360
Yes.
232
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,400
Then tell him to flick off, then.
233
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:09,360
He's happy enough here
for the moment, Father.
234
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,200
Okay.
235
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:15,520
Father Frost said if you don't go
home now he'll come and get you.
236
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,080
Fine. I don't care what he does.
237
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,400
He's not the boss of me.
238
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,560
Right.
239
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:27,320
All right, all right !
Tell him I'm going !
240
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,520
See you, Dougal.
241
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:36,800
Dougal, mind this for me.
242
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,200
Right.
243
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:42,000
I'll get them later.
Frosty hates me smoking.
244
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:43,560
You're prayin', yeah ?
245
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:46,520
No, no. They're... they're Ted's.
246
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:47,360
See you, right ?
247
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,640
See you.
248
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,520
DOUGAL ! >
249
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,360
Oh, God ! What does he want now ?
250
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:04,000
(MUTTERS) Consonant, please, Carol.
251
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:08,160
Vowel... Another consonant...
252
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,400
Vowel... Consonant...
253
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,440
Richard, where are you going ?
254
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,200
Dougal, I am not Richard Whiteley.
255
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,120
Go back to sleep. You're dreaming.
256
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:34,880
Put your clothes back on, Carol,
I can't concentrate.
257
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,120
Tea, Father ?
258
00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:45,440
God Almighty ! What are you doing up?
259
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:50,840
I always stay up, Father, in case
one of you needs a cup of tea.
260
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,600
How long have you been doing this ?
261
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,000
About three years now.
262
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:56,840
But we never get up at night.
263
00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:02,320
You're up now, Father. Unless I'm
hallucinating from lack of sleep !
264
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,920
That's happened before all right.
265
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,520
I'm just getting my jacket
to go for a little walk.
266
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,800
Right so.
267
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,200
(SIGHS)
268
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:32,920
Dougal ?
269
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,840
Oh, no !
270
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:48,280
Dougal, is there anything
on your mind ?
271
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,720
Let me rephrase that.
272
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:01,520
Is there anything
you want to tell me about ?
273
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:03,600
Like what, Ted ?
274
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:08,560
Have you done anything
you might be embarrassed about ?
275
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,840
Anything wrong ?
276
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:12,640
Wrong ?
277
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:16,440
Yes, Dougal.
You remember right and wrong.
278
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,160
Page one of "How To Be A Catholic".
279
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,800
Honestly, Dougal,
this is very basic stuff. >
280
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:27,080
What is wrong ? Give an example.
281
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,880
Just give me a second, Ted.
282
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,680
Arson, there's one. >
283
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,640
Murder. >
284
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,160
Swearing.
285
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:37,880
Swearing, yeah.
286
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,000
Anything else ?
287
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,000
Er... Um...
288
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,840
Er...
289
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,080
Lying ?
290
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:47,920
Well done, Dougal ! Yes !
291
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,240
Thanks, Ted.
292
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:51,600
Are you all right ?
293
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,320
Fine, Ted. I just need to sit down.
294
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,680
Sorry about that.
I pushed you a bit hard there.
295
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,920
No worries, Ted.
296
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:06,720
Dougal, something else
that's wrong is stealing.
297
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:11,440
It's wrong to steal.
Stealing is something you don't do.
298
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:12,640
Right, except you.
299
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,000
What ?!
300
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,400
You're allowed to steal.
301
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,000
What ?
302
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:20,240
The money from that Lourdes thing.
303
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:28,240
Different thing altogether. That
money was just resting in my account.
304
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:29,480
It was resting for a long time, Ted.
305
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:30,000
Yes.
306
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,080
A good long rest.
307
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:34,840
Dougal, we're not talking about me !
308
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:39,160
Is there anything
you want to tell me about ?
309
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,200
This, for example ?
310
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,040
Sergeant Hodgins and Mr Benson
are here.
311
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:48,040
Dougal, you go and... get the shears.
312
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:53,400
Father, I'm sorry to disturb you.
I thought we might talk about it.
313
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,480
You know about the whistle business?
314
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:56,200
Yes.
315
00:18:56,200 --> 00:19:00,920
When I woke up and saw that
my whistle had been stolen,...
316
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:06,000
..I went into a state of shock and
lost the use of me legs - well, one.
317
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:09,600
This one -
completely lost all feeling !
318
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,000
Look !
319
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,360
AAAAH !
320
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,560
Sweet Jesus !
321
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,720
The shock also affected his memory.
322
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,440
It's this leg that has no feeling.
323
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,640
Anyhow, did you hear anything ?
324
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,360
About what ?
325
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:28,360
About my whistle !
326
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:30,080
Did you hear anything
during confession ?
327
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:33,960
No ! The confessional is sacrosanct.
328
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:39,000
I've had that whistle 40 years.
It saved my grandfather's life.
329
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,000
Did it ?
330
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,680
He was being executed by the British
331
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:46,600
They had him agin a wall,
and they shot him.
332
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:50,760
The bullets hit the whistle
in his pocket, and bounced off.
333
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,440
So he survived ?
334
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:56,200
No, they just reloaded -
shot him again.
335
00:19:56,800 --> 00:20:02,200
Father - I don't want to say
anything, but Jim saw someone.
336
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:03,720
Yes ?
337
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:08,520
He didn't see much, but
he noticed something - the collar.
338
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,320
It was a priest who took the whistle
339
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,360
Oh, right. That'll be Ted.
340
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,600
What ?
341
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:23,960
You were talking about stealing,
and you showed me the whistle.
342
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:25,880
No, Dougal.
343
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,880
It is, Ted. Try your top pocket.
344
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:33,600
I bet it's in there - in fact,
I'm sure it is. Give it a go.
345
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,520
Just a bit more to your right.
346
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,320
Yes, Dougal. Thank you (!)
347
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:45,320
Well, there's an obvious explanation.
348
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:46,920
Is there, Father ?
349
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:48,200
Of course there is.
350
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,600
What is it, Ted ?
351
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:55,920
I must leave the room,
but I'll have a full explanation.
352
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,480
It had better be a good one.
353
00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:02,920
Oh, it'll be perfectly satisfactory.
Just excuse me for a minute.
354
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,640
AWKWARD SILENCE
355
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:21,480
So, I hear your babysitter
got pregnant.
356
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:26,040
More visitors. Father Frost is here.
357
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,040
Gerroff !
358
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:31,440
I believe there's a Mr Benson
who's had a whistle stolen.
359
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:32,640
That's me.
360
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,120
I have the culprit here.
361
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:34,560
What ?!
362
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,120
Yeah, yeah. I stole it. So what ?
363
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,920
It's only a bleedin' whistle.
364
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:45,200
I saw this eejit with a whistle, then
I heard Mr Benson's whistle had gone.
365
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:49,440
I asked this eejit
and he tried to blame Father McGuire.
366
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,800
It was my fault for stealing it.
367
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:53,360
But you didn't steal it, Father.
368
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:55,480
Oh, right.
369
00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:59,680
He hid it in a packet of cigarettes.
370
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:05,560
That must be how we got it ! Father
Damo gave me the cigarettes to mind.
371
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:07,880
I have a full explanation !
372
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:13,800
Father Damien, Father Frost -
I was about to tell them
why I stole the whistle.
373
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,200
I've been dying to get it
off my chest.
374
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:17,960
Ted !
375
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,560
Sssh ! 15 years ago, I met an orphan.
376
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:25,760
His parents had been killed in a
bizarre accident involving trees -...
377
00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:29,520
..a tree fell on them.
They were both crushed.
378
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:32,200
He had nothing - except a dream.
379
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:33,000
Ted...
380
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:38,320
That dream was to own a stable, with
champion horses in every bit of it.
381
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:43,960
But he had a disease so he could only
communicate by raising his eyebrows.
382
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,240
Once for "yes", twice for "no".
383
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:51,640
"If only I had a whistle, so I could
train my horses to win," he thought.
384
00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:54,720
That same boy wrote to me
just five weeks ago...
385
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,640
Ted, Father Damien took the whistle!
386
00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:59,760
Oh, great. That's that sorted out.
387
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:01,520
What's all this about the horses ?
388
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:04,360
Ah, nothing. I was just going mad.
389
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:06,680
You'll have to go -
I have to say one of those masses.
390
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:07,120
When's tea ready ?
391
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,160
No tea for you !
392
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:12,080
Good ! I don't want any stupid tea !
393
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:18,080
Don't put too much faith
in people who are "cool".
394
00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:22,080
Father Lennon may have had
a trendy haircut,...
395
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:25,360
..but he lacks that dignity
which is part of being a priest.
396
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:27,600
(BURPS) DRINK !
397
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:35,800
There's no place for the likes of the
Bishop of Galway or that fella that
was living with his housekeeper...
398
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:39,520
..or that one
who was sending arms to Iraq.
399
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:42,240
What's important is
that we're back to normal.
400
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,400
You're right there, Ted.
401
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:48,680
So have you learnt anything
from your experience ?
402
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,360
No.
403
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:21,360
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NICK BENTLEY
28702
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