All language subtitles for 1_the.simpsons.s36e04.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab_English

♪ ♪

[Grampa] They say
women are like soda water.

They go better
with a gallon of scotch.

And when the weather's hot,
we drink a lot.

And sometimes it's so hot,

people open their windows
to let the air in

and their secrets out.

-[whirring stops]
-No.

No, don't go.
Your tiny feet are so cool.

Wait, I know a place to go,

where the people always say
it's too cold.

[frustrated grunting]

Get your own cooling duct!

Typical. My entire life,

you've never done
one nice thing for me,

and I'm always kind and loving.

So redirect that A/C or we're
moving you to a worse home.

There is no worse home.

I mean the one
they put veterans in.

You monster! Elder abuse!

What took you so long?

I'm not sure
what you're talking about,

Abe "Grampa" Simpson,

but we need your help
with an investigation.

And I mean now.

They're digging up
these poor people's graves?

Now, don't worry.
They're putting up a monument

to the suffering
of these unfortunate souls.

[truck beeping]

What are we doing here?

We're here because
when they dug up one grave,

they saw something
no one should see.

Come on, kids, let me show you.
Get your phones.

Somebody snuck a second body
in here.

And on that extra body,
we found this.

[Lisa]
"Simpson and O'Donnell,

"private investigators.

Ask for Abe"?

Grampa, you were
a private detective?

Takes you an hour
to find your socks.

All right, Wiggum, you showed me
what you wanted to show me.

Now, in this country,
a man can say what he wants

and do what he wants.

Except on college campuses,

where you can say
some things but not others

and it's unclear which.

Hey, you can leave anytime,
after you explain

how your business card
got on that body.

Fine, I'll talk,
but only at the home,

with a nurse call button nearby.

Those things
aren't even hooked up.

Pushing the button
is my exercise.

See?

Oh, I never saw
that part before.

You think it's hot today?

It's nothing compared
to the summer of '82.

It was like living
inside the sun with the heat on.

Billy and me had been partners
for a couple of years.

There was plenty of work.

Divorce cases,
roller derby hit-and-runs.

But this particular day
was mighty slow.

Ah, nice shot.
You should be in the NBA.

You, too, pal.
You look great in short shorts.

You mean the shorts that
everybody wears now in the '80s?

Then she came in.

I was looking for a detective,

but it seems I found
a mutual admiration society.

Are you here to join?

First I'd have to admire you.

I'm Agnes Skinner,

and I want you
to follow my boyfriend.

Oh? Who's your boyfriend?

A rich bald vulture
by the name of Montgomery Burns.

Well, I think
he's cheating on me

with someone younger and sexier.

-I don't buy your story.
-Which part?

The part where there's someone
younger and sexier than you.

Mm. It just got
really hot in here.

Towel me off?

Ah...

Are you my new mommy?

'Cause I'm owed
a lot of tucking in.

[sighs]
Uh, Daddy's, uh, busy, son.

Wh-Why don't you play
with these handcuffs?

Oh, boy.

Hmm. If you're babysitting,

I guess I'll take
my business elsewhere.

Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.

What if I go with Agnes,

you know, and kind of
check things out?

Okay, but remember,
you're representing the firm,

so act professional.

Ah, yes.

[scatting]

Oh, I don't get a new mommy?

I'll be your daddy
and your mommy, son.

Now be quiet and leave me alone.

And that was that.

Now if you're finished,
it's Tapioca Tuesday

and I'm jonesing
for something bland and lumpy.

[all moaning]
Tapioca. Tapioca.

Hmm.

Slow down, there,
Humphrey Go-kart.

What did your partner say
when he got back?

Nothing, which isn't surprising,
because he never came back.

Never came back?
What did you do?

Got new business cards.

"Abe Simpson and nobody,
private investigators."

[low]
I'm not surprised.

My dad never does
anything for anybody.

Homer, let the policemen
give your dad the third degree.

Wiggum, I'm done singing.

But here's an encore for you:
get lost!

Oh, yeah?
How'd you like it if we put you

in an interrogation room
with a bare light bulb,

no bathroom and a cold
steel chair with an uneven leg?

I'd call that an upgrade.

[electricity buzzes]

Okay, fine, we'll leave.
For now.

But I am officially declaring
you a person of interest.

Wow, Grampa,
you're finally interesting.

Can we hang out?

-Yeah, but I ain't talking.
-Perfect.

I can't believe it.

Would Grampa really not
look for his partner?

That's exactly what he would do.

He didn't look
for his missing wife.

He couldn't find a runaway dog.

He didn't realize
I was lost at the zoo

until the chimpanzee
in the car seat threw up.

He still sends that monkey
birthday cards.

Maybe I could get some answers

from a forensic analysis
of the old business card.

Lisa, I don't like it
when you dust for residues.

Please, please, please.

I promise I'll only look
for splatter.

Okay, but put down newspaper.

What the hell's a newspaper?

Bart, there's blood
on this card.

Type AB-negative, which is only
one percent of the population.

Amazing. You can make
even blood boring.

If Billy O'Donnell
had the same blood type,

it could be him in the coffin.

Coffin, eh?
You saying he's a vampire?

[imitating Dracula]
Yes, he's a vampire.

We must investigate
his blood. Bleh.

You're treating me like a child,
and I love it.

Say "bleh" two more times,
and I'm in.

Bleh. Bleh.

-Okay, blood type.
-[fingers snap]

I know two people with
all the information in town,

-but it'll cost you.
-[normal voice] How much?

I'm afraid we're gonna have to
spend some time with them.

Here's the medical techs
at my barium swallow.

Here's me waking up because the
anesthesia wasn't strong enough.

And here's the kink
in my esophagus.

And here's us transferring
our slides to video.

Transferring. Transferring.

Now here's us transferring
our video to digital.

Transferring. Transferring.
Transferring.

[man]
Hey, can we get some service?

Snoop to
your heart's content, kids.

But remember, that information

belongs to the people
of Springfield.

Show them the respect
they deserve.

O'Bannon. O'Brady.
O'Connell. O'Connor.

Lot of Irish in this town.

O'Day. O'Dell. O'de-o'doh.

[gasps]
O'Donnell! Billy O'Donnell!

Blood type: AB-negative.

It's a match.
I'm taking this to Grampa.

[gasps] Did you know
Lenny has only one butt cheek?

No wonder he keeps
falling off his stool.

Not my fault.

Chief, it's the old man's
granddaughter.

And you didn't want
to set up a stakeout.

No, I wanted to. You didn't.

Well, somebody did. Shut up.

It's the same blood type.

I bet you want to get right back
on that trail.

That trail is 40 years old.

Colder than the hands of
the orderly who puts my gown on.

Hey, orderlies have
feelings, too.

[crying]

The DMV found
Billy's abandoned car

on old Apple Blossom Parkway,
which is now

the location of
the Springfield Nuclear Plant.

Well?

You're messing with things
you should let lie.

And you're lying about messes
you should let thing.

Nobody talks to me like that!

I'm what that way talks how!

I always looked up
to you, Grampa.

Well, I'm shrinking every day,

so I'll be down to you
mighty soon.

I can't believe
you didn't even try.

But... but..
Aw, damn it, I did try.

Checked with his ex-wife,
his bookie,

his dance instructor.

Sorry, handsome, you are
barking up the wrong tree.

Four, five, six. Backstep,
kick step, shuffle ball change.

[vocalizes]

[Grampa]
There was only one person

who could tell me what happened:
Agnes.

But it was like she disappeared
off the face of the Earth.

Burns was guarding her tighter
than a human LoJack.

Finally, I got a tip from
her favorite leg warmer store.

I found her at the marina.

I'm trying to talk business,

and you bring me to
the most romantic spot in town?

You are really making it hard
for me to focus.

You're not very smart.
I like that.

I mean, you're
really, really stupid.

I find that sexy.

I mean, you are really,
unbelievably, droolingly--

Yeah, yeah, okay. All right.
You made your point.

Now, damn it,
what happened to my partner?

Don't get ahead of yourself.
You haven't bought me a drink.

-What'll you have?
-Don't get ahead of yourself.

You haven't kissed me.

[Grampa groans]

[both moan]

Mm.

Now, uh, the next part
is kind of racy,

so you listen to some
nondescript '80s rock

while I tell it to myself.

♪ And I ran ♪

♪ I ran so far away... ♪

[Grampa]
She was relentless.

I heard something
I'd never heard before.

"Not bad."

I fell for her like Mario over
a thousand Donkey Kong barrels.

Then she told me what happened
the last night she saw Billy.

They were following Burns
to see what he was up to.

Okay, listen, you stay
in the car until I get back.

[Agnes]
I waited and waited.

[snoring]

[gasps]

Ma'am, are you okay?

'Cause I've been staring at ya
since 2:00 in the morning.

[Agnes groans]

I never saw Billy again.

Abe, what if Burns knows
I was there?

I guess I'll have to ask him.

Luckily, I'm wearing my gun.

[grunts]

So what happened
when you saw Burns?

-I can't tell you.
-Why can't you tell me?

Because it's something
that would destroy your father.

-[gasps]
-[dramatic violin sting]

That's the only chord I know.

[plays dramatic sting]

♪ ♪

Two visitors in one day.

There's something rotten
in the state of Denmark.

Is that the state we're in?
Denmark?

Huh.

[Grampa grunting softly]

Bart, Grandpa knows a secret
that could destroy Dad.

Oh, my God.
We certainly don't want that

falling into the wrong hands.
[laughs]

Boy, you're here because
I need you to sneak me out

without the cops seeing.

Fine. I'll figure out a plan,
but there's a price:

a new bike.

No. Two new bikes.

How many bikes
does one kid need?

My goal is to be
the Jay Leno of bikes.

♪ ♪

There they go.

-[engine starts]
-[tires thump]

Ah, damn it.
We got three or four flat tires.

Maybe five. I-I can't tell.

Well, then,
we should pursue on foot.

I-I got a doctor's note
that says I-I shouldn't run.

Well, look who came to visit me
after all these years:

Magnum P.U.

Agnes, you look terrific.

Of course
I can't see well anymore.

Who is this man, Mother?

I don't remember him
from our scrapbooking.

Seymour, shut the door
and play with your little buddy

while the grown-ups talk.

You want to play Chex box?

You mean Xbox?

No. Chex box.

There are two extremely
challenging mazes on the back.

Would you like to get the spoon
back to the dishwasher

or help the milk find
the refrigerator?

Well, I'd like the principal
to find his manhood,

if you don't mind.

I am muy macho, amigo.

Now choose your Hello Kitty
pencil and get tracing.

Agnes, 40 years ago,
I let my partner down.

Now I got to fix that.

Well, can it wait
for a sour ball?

Bitter on the outside
and not very satisfying,

just like me.

Mmm. [chuckles]

Now, think. Is there anything
you want to share

about that night we lost Billy?

I have trouble remembering
my meds, my birthday,

even who you are, frankly.

But I'll never forget
that night.

The road was covered in this.

Baby, you just broke the case.

Before you go,

how's about we see
what else we can break?

Lamps or hips, they're all
replaceable. [laughs]

-Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
-Yowza!

-[Agnes] Okay, easy now.
-[Grandpa] Whoa! I get...

-Oh, no, not that elbow.
-Well, that knee doesn't work.

-[Grandpa] No, no, my bursitis!
-Ah. Ow. Oh.

-[Grandpa] Aah. Oh.
-Oh.

[Grandpa]
Oh, sweet Wendell Willkie!

♪ ♪

What's this? How did you get
through the unguarded grounds

and sliding door?

Burns, I'm here to finish
a conversation

we started 40 years ago.

Burns, I think
you might have crossed paths

with my partner the other night.

Oh, yes. Billy.

He, uh, said he was leaving
on a trip, a one-way ticket.

You could say
he's gone to paradise.

[sinister laugh]

That answer's not good enough!

Daddy, I got scared
alone in the car!

I thought I gave you
a coloring book.

I ate the crayons.

[guttural groaning]

Well, you and Little Boy Blue,
Green and Red can exit together.

Release the hounds.

[barking]

Bad puppy!
No love! No love! Bad puppy!

Burns, I say you know
something about Billy,

and I'll never rest
until I find out what.

Let's make a deal.

You forget about
your ex-partner,

and I'll give your son a job
when he grows up.

He don't need your help.

[Homer]
Daddy! Daddy!

[whimpering]

-[laughs]
-I will give that poor,

pathetic knuckle-brain a job
and never fire him,

no matter how often
and how badly he messes up.

[Homer]
Help! Help!

[grunts]

[Grampa sighs]

And that's why
your son wasn't fired

for screwing up 742 times.

Tarnation, is he bad.

Wait just a minute!

All those times I screwed up

and should have been fired
but wasn't?

That was thanks to you?

Mm-hmm.

No matter how big
of an idiot I am,

I can never lose my job.

I'm like
a Supreme Court justice!

[sniffles] Thank you, Dad.

Oh, I just did
what any father would.

I gave you the best life
I could.

♪ ♪

Dad, are we having a moment?

I don't think so.

-Oh.
-Oh.

Okay, maybe.

Well, another heartwarming
moment at the Burns mansion.

Now, off you go.

The poison gas will attack your
spinal cord within two minutes.

-[alarm buzzes]
-[gas hissing]

Not so fast.

[whooshing]

Burns, for the sake of my son,
I really wanted to believe you

when you said Billy was okay,
but now I know the truth.

Billy found out,
when you built the plant,

instead of using good, solid
rebar, you were using this:

shredded phone books.

Billy found out,
so you killed him.

Me? Kill someone?

Oh, sure,
blame the ruthless villain.

Start talking,
or I'll cut you in two.

You bumped him off.

No! I paid him off. [gasps]

He used the money
to move to a tropical island,

a paradise,
just like I told you.

I'll call him right now.

[line ringing]

[birds chirping]

[tablet ringing]

Abe, is that you?

Wow. Look at you. [chuckles]

You aged terribly.

You're alive?!

Well, if you call
drinking rum out of a coconut,

surfing and hanging out
with beautiful women living,

then, yeah,
I guess I've been living.

Hey, Billy want another
"Abe is an Idiot"?

Oh. [laughs]

That's, uh...
That has nothing to do with you.

That's just a, uh, cocktail
that I invented.

[slurping]
Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Why didn't you tell me
you were alive?!

Because I didn't want
my ex-wife to know,

and you can't keep a secret.

Remember when you told everyone
my shoes have lifts?

I thought
it made you interesting.

It made me seem short.
Tom Cruise short.

I told Agnes to wait one week
and then tell you everything.

Agnes knew?!

That's right, Abe.
I was lying to you all along,

because you were dumb,
so, so dumb.

So... dumb.

-All right, all right, I get it.
-[tablet chimes]

I wanted you to think
Burns killed your partner,

so you would kill Burns.

Why would anyone
want to kill me?

Because, when I got to know you,

I realized your heart was as
ugly and withered as your ass.

-Ouch.
-Also, I snuck my name
into your will

-so I'd get rich when you died.
-[gun cocks]

No one's killing no one.

How dare you blow the head off
the bear I killed.

Eh, we'll all die soon enough.

And, Abe, remember this:

You were too good a lover
to be more than just a friend.

What does that mean?

I'm trying to leave you
with something.

I'll take it.

Mmm.

Dad, something else
came out of this,

something wonderful.

I learned what you did for me,

and I get to tell you thank you
before you're gone.

All for you, Dad.

-I'm done.
-[groans] Oh!

Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

Something's been eating at me,

and I got to find out
the answer.

If Billy O'Donnell's alive,

then who was the second body
in the coffin?

We tried DNA testing. [laughs]

I don't know why we didn't
do that in the first place.

The second corpse was actually

Springfield's beloved
business card printer

Harold Baumgartner.

He loved his wife so much,
he asked to be buried with her.

Literally.

Which also explains
all the other business cards

we found in the coffin.

This guy made
excellent business cards.

40 years later, clear as a bell.

So the blood type
was just a coincidence.

[gasps]
Or maybe it was God's way

of finding closure
for a bunch of lost souls.

But that was some nice work
you did there, kid.

Hey, how would you like
to join the force?

I think she's too young, Chief.

Lou, you can't know that
until you give her a gun.

Am I right, Ralphie?

Do I shoot toward the talking?

I think I'm just gonna
run home now.

♪ And I ran ♪

♪ I ran so far away ♪

♪ I just ran ♪

♪ I ran all night and day ♪

♪ And I ran ♪

♪ I ran so far away ♪

♪ I just ran ♪

♪ I couldn't get away. ♪

Shh!