All language subtitles for Transplant.S03E09.Rumination.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

This is affecting my work,
Shay!

Oh, my God.

You actually care, don't you?

- No! Get off of me!
- Ah!

I'm not going to apologize
to Roberta Matheson

and if you have an issue
with that, let me know.

Well, the Theo you knew
when we were residents
would have told him...

everything happens
for a reason.

You don't believe that
anymore?

You own stock in the company
that's marketing the ICD.

Sure that that's not
a conflict?

Not according
to the ethics board.

That's what you come up with?
My morals take too much space?

Do you think I'm naive
because I wanna be happy?

No! I think you burn things
down when they don't match
your impossible standards.

And you think
you don't deserve things.

I was waiting 'til
I was a doctor again.

There's a part of me too that
all it knows is how to survive.

Do you think you can help me?

Okay sir, take slow,
deep breaths.

Lean forward.

Uh...

I'm so sorry about this.

Uh, I'll get another one.

'Kay.

Sports help.

Learn about hockey.

He shouldn't have to front
like that, should he?

I'd rather be alone
with my thoughts
than force something I'm not.

You never say anything,
Bashir.

Four sessions, not a word.

He doesn't have to.
And you know that.

Thank you.
See you next week.

Hey man, fair disclosure.

You told me before you even
joined this group

that you hate the sound of your
own voice when you complain,
and I told you

I don't care
if you come for a whole year
without ever speaking up, so...

This was my father's.

I've used it every day since
I was a doctor in this country.

What a beautiful keepsake.

Hmm... I think I shouldn't
have been using it.

Then you would never have
enjoyed it.

But I ruined it.

This instrument lived a life.

It breaking
doesn't diminish that.

Then why can I only see
the pieces?

Have you and I spoken about
what we call rumination?

It means--

It's a constant pattern
of negative thinking.

I was going to say,

if we keep
doing what we're doing,

we keep getting
what we're getting.

How much do you know about the
therapeutic use of psilocybin?

You want me
to take magic mushrooms?

I want us to find a way
to punch your brain in the face.

So Mister Coswell can leave.

Weren't you on
twelve to twelve last night?
It's almost two.

Mrs. Oliveri's fever
didn't break so I booked her
for a chest X-ray.

Look at you,
remembering everyone's names.

Makes me miss the days of Eye
Pain needs his cath drained.

Is that Shay?

First names now?

Show off.

Hey, what are you doing here?

You hurt yourself?

Technically no.
I got here at like four.

They had me in triage
for three hours.
Another one for two.

I told them my pain was
a four but now...

it feels like a nine.

- What kind of pain, Shay?
- Right side, really sharp.

I was worried
about appendicitis.

She was sent to CT.
I'll go check if it's back.

Yeah.

Why didn't you tell them
to call me?

They said the wait was for
some big car crash overnight.

I figured you'd be busy.

Plus I... didn't know
if you wanted me
explaining us to people.

I mean you could've texted.

Yeah, well, I was staying up
to work on this paper

and thought you'd just say I was
being dramatic or, I don't know,
just making it worse.

That'd be pretty
hypocritical of me. I mean,
I was up all night too.

Yeah, saving people,
not writing an essay

about how unlikely it is that
we'll ever stop climate chan--

Ow!
- Okay...

You know, it was smart of you
to come in. You have
acute appendicitis.

I'm gonna have to get you
into surgery.
- Surgery? No, I...

Look. It's fine, okay?

We can do it laparoscopically,
there's no big incision.

You'll be there?

Yeah. Look, I know
you're scared, okay?

But, I've done hundreds
of these, so I got you.

But we... we'd been talking
about turning it
into a two-year lease.

You didn't even tell me
you were putting it
on the market.

Yeah, well, maybe
I will get a lawyer.

- A lawyer?
- Yeah.

The owner of my place is
selling. I have to move.
- When?

I know it's not the end of the
world but I've been trying
to get on top of health,

and work, and you know,
live my life, and now I have
to find a place.

You know you can...
you can stay with me.

- No, I-I-I wasn't saying...
- No, no, I'm offering.

But it would only be like
a temporary offer. Right?

Just until Amira comes back,
not-not...

- Well, permanently?
No, we can talk about that...
- 'Cause I wasn't saying...

No, it's just... When Amira
comes back, it might be...

...be impossible.
Let me go!

Need some help over here!
Hey! Hey!

- Here!
- Hey, hey, up, up!

Eyes open!
- Ouch! Stop jerking me
around, man!

- Eyes open, come on.
- What happened?

This idiot got into it
with us.

Van seemed like she was okay,
but she passed out in the car.

Did she fall or hit her head?

Cheese jostled her around
a lil' bit.

- Trying to get--
- Shut up and wait here!

He needs attention.
Take him to triage?

No, I'm gonna stay with her.
Arnold!

Do you know how many weeks
she is?

Just that she was supposed
to go on maternity leave.

She stayed on a week longer.
- Lines and a monitor!
I need vitals ASAP.

Calm down, man, you got me.

Pulse is thready.
She's cyanotic.

Slow resp rate.
Unless you wanna check
for a fetal heart rate?

I really hope she's okay.

I hope she's okay!

Bash?

Bash!

Uh-uh...
there's a heartbeat.

Let's get the fetal monitor up.

- What's wrong with her?
- Pupils are constricted.

Nail beds are blue.
Do you think that she's...

Arnold, uh, naloxone,
two milligram IV push.

Naloxone, you... you think
she's OD'ing?

Heart rate's 53 bpm.
Pressure's 100 over 70.

Okay, pushing naloxone...

Could she have come into
contact with anything
at the scene?

Uh, fentanyl.
Cheese deals it.

Pressure's still dropping, guys.

BP too. Let's push epi,
maybe more naloxone.

We need a crash cart in case.
We should really
get him looked at.

Yeah, security can take him.
Arnold, if you want
to come back?

Yeah.
Come with me please.

Mags?
Claire's asking for you.

A patient that you know
in curtain 6 is--

No, that's gonna
have to wait...

Fetal heart rate's slowing,
she's still OD'ing.

Are you ready to pee for us,
Darcy?

Okay, do you think
you will be in a little bit?

I already went this morning.

You did? Where?

Yesterday it was in his bed,
last week it was the bathtub.

Is it that you can't hold it, buddy?

Or that you can't feel
when you have to go?

Okay, does it hurt
when you pee?

Right.
Alright I'm gonna go talk
to your mom, okay?

UTIs can cause confusion
and loss of control,

but in kids, they're usually
septic by that point,
and Darcy definitely is not.

I keep thinking
what if it's us?

Let's not play the blame game
until we know
where we are at medically.

Thank you.

You're so nice.
- Right.

Well, uh, if you can think
of any other changes,
you let me know.

Oh! Actually, um, he has lost
a bit of weight

since his dad took us off
meat and dairy.

Oh... Sorry.

I had to go across the street
to find the place
that sells this.

Doctor Hunter wants
to test for a UTI.

Can we maybe also talk
to a psychiatrist?

I feel Darcy's having
a stress response to how much
you've been working.

Uh, we, uh...
we can look into that.

Great!
I'll get some fluids in him.

Hey buddy!
How you doing?

How's the pregnant cop?

We stabilized her twice
but every time the naloxone
wears off her O-two drops.

Did her partner come back?
- Arnold took him to security.

He called this in.
Has OB come down?

Coming. Bash is still
with Van, and I have another
patient waiting.

- Mags?
- What?

You are vibrating.

Take a beat
if you need it, okay?
- Okay.

Angry dad alert.

You know the kid with
blue-green algae poisoning?

Okay, well, I can take a lot,
but his father has been on me
every five--

Okay, I'll handle it
if you can get the kid
in three to pee into a cup.

Doctor Hunter?

Doctor Hunter,
it's been three hours.

You told me he was gonna
get admitted.

Yes, I'm sorry,
Mister Hamilton, unfortunately,

internal medicine is still
waiting on a bed for Winston.

But he's still throwing up.
He can't keep anything down--

Okay, I will go check on him
after I see this next patient.

No! Oh no!

I'm not here for you,
I wanna talk to him.

Mags,
what are you doing here?

I asked Nancy to grab her.

Patrick is part
of Doctor Fisher's ICD study.

Did Fisher send you down here
to get rid of me?

'Cause you can't bounce
a bouncer, Mags.

Doctor Hunter? My son really
needs to see someone.

I'm an emerg doc now, Patrick.

Yeah, well, I want a different
emerg doctor now.

Doctor Hunter, Darcy's dad
says he can't have any sugar.

Alright, alright!
Everyone just uh, hold on,
for one minute.

Doctor Hunter.

Everything under control?

Everything's fine, thanks.

Mags?
- Yes, got it.

No, she doesn't!

I don't care what we have
to give that kid,
just get him peeing.

Mister Hamilton, I am so sorry
for the wait,

I will page internal again.

And we'll tell you
the bed shortage is
province-wide

and we would love for you
to write to your MP.

Uh, this is Doctor Bergeron.

Mister Hamilton, I'll be
right in to see Winston.

Maybe we can get a jump
on some treatment while we're
waiting on a bed upstairs?

Thank you.

Call me next time
things get hairy?

Man.

I thought the working conditions
in the bar business were rough.

Patrick was saying he's been
dizzy and uncoordinated?

Since his ICD gave him a shock
last night.

A shock?
Did you go into arrhythmia?

Yeah, right in the middle of
burgers with my grandkid.

I felt a tiny flutter and bam!

But my real problems
started after that.

Mm.
Did you come see Fisher's team?

Well, I called, they looked
at my data

and told me to take
my blood thinners but...

I was so out of it today
I almost crashed my bike.

Oh.
Not Maurice.

No, uh, he's okay.

It scared me, Mags.

His pressure's steady
at 200 over 120.

What's his baseline?
- High, but not that high.

Do you still smoke?

If I say yes, will you tell me
this is all my fault?

Look, I managed to get it down
to five a week, okay?

I know it's not perfect but--
- Patrick, that's
a huge improvement.

That's what I said to Fisher!

And all she said was,
"Yeah, well, zero's the goal."

Look.

I don't like this thing
inside me.

If I want it out,
they have to do it, right?

Before we make
any drastic decisions,

let me try getting to the bottom
of what happened, okay?

You abandoned me, Mags.

I'm sorry.

- Oh...
- Are you okay?

Should half my face feel numb?

- No, it shouldn't.
- But...

- Lie down for me?
- What...

- Here. Okay.
- What's happening?

- Take my hands.
- Why ha...

Okay, squeeze my fingers.

Okay, that's good.
It's a good sign.

It's okay, just try to breathe,
okay, Patrick?

Ah...
- Just relax.

That blue-green algae kid?

Needs transfusions,
monitoring. Probably surgery.

I'll start reqs, unless
I should check in with Devi?

No, no need, I have been
restored to my former glory.

Oh, good to know the system
still supports the man
failing up.

Hey, uh, any thoughts
on a kid that will pee
everywhere but a cup?

Eh... Dad thinks it's
behavioural, Mom isn't sure.

Don't think
you need me for that.

Actually, I do.

I think the mom might have been
flirting with me.

Actual flirting?

Or she smiled at you,
therefore she must want you?

Well, she implied that
her marriage isn't great.

I-I just... I need to be careful
with what I wade into.

Because Devi doesn't love you?

I did refuse to apologize
when a patient
complained about me.

And you know, she doesn't have
years of stable Theo

to counter
the recent record.

But it's really just eating
at me that I don't know
what's wrong with this kid.

Maybe you should take
another run at the mom.

Oh, you mean, flirt with her?
No, no way.

I thought you were
a rebel now.

Look, if dialing up
that lethal Mister Rogers charm

is what it takes to help
the kid, it's worth it.

I'll even distract the dad
for you.

See you later.

Okay, this is looking more
inflamed than expected.

Can you clear the suction?

Uh, BP's up and O-two is down.

What do you mean?
What's going on?

I don't know!

Okay, just get her
on 100% oxygen.

Can you get Doctor Singh's
attention?

I'm gonna stop retracting,
I don't wanna risk a tear.

- Pulse ox 90% now.
- Talk to me.

Her airway's compromised.
I think I might've missed
something?

- Anaphylactic shock?
- She doesn't have
any allergies.

I don't know what to do.

Doctor Curtis,
we've been through

way more stressful situations
with patients.

It's my sister. Okay? I know
I'm not supposed

to operate on family
but she's not breathing.

Does she have asthma
or underlying conditions?

There's a constriction.
Likely muscular.

I know you're thinking
bronchospasm but wouldn't that
manifest during induction?

It's rare when the patient's
still under but it can happen.

At least
her wheezing is audible.

Right, 'cause if she's
wheezing then she's breathing.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

If she wasn't your sister,
what would you do?

I would put her
on five milligrams of salbutamol

and point five of ipratropium,
aerosol, through an ET tube.

I'd run follow-up labs
if I were you.

Bronchospasm doesn't just
happen out of the blue.

I overdosed more than once?

What about my baby?

Um, the heart rate went down
but it came back strong.

And the fentanyl?
Did it hurt him?

We won't know for sure
until after he's born,

but the fact that
you're this far along,
it's a very good sign.

- Jack, wha... what happened?!
- Cheese.

He must've planted something
on you when he came at you
and he attacked you.

How? I mean, he only got
one kick in before you were
on him.

Did you find a patch
or a contact source?
- No.

I was so careful,
I didn't touch anything in his
place until later in the car,

I had a headache and took
a pill from the hangover bottle
you keep in your coat, I...

It was your fentanyl?

They just looked
like regular pain pills!

I swiped a few
from Cheese, okay?

What do you want?
I-I didn't...

You weren't supposed
to go in there!

I didn't think
you were gonna do that.

I'm sorry, okay?
I know it was stupid.

I know it was stupid, okay?

What does that mean?

It means you're having
a contraction.

Wha...

for six weeks of data
on some...

On Patrick Camby.
He's in emerg.

He's a big guy.
Talks about his grandkid.

Rides a motorcycle
named Maurice.

Patent foramen ovale defect.

Putting him at a higher risk
for a stroke from clots
caused by the device.

Patrick suffered a series
of mini-strokes

which started after
his ICD delivered a shock.

A shock that saved his life.

Well, per his readout,
the shock was only
precautionary,

and now given the higher risk
for a stroke,
Patrick wants his ICD out.

That would be a mistake. His
arrhythmia needs to be managed.

And you can't say definitively
the device caused clots.

Especially given that Patrick
lives pretty hard.

Not as much anymore.

Which he tried
explaining to your resident.

Send him upstairs.

And by the way, Mags, according
to your remote monitoring,

you've been pushing it
the last few weeks.

If you wanna avoid
another incident...

I'd appreciate if we stay
focussed on the patients.

You're not part of this study
anymore, Mags.

So the patient we should be
discussing right now is you,

in my capacity
as your cardiologist.

Actually you're not anymore.

I don't want a doctor
who blames her patients
instead of listening to them.

Mister Applebaum? I hear you
are having difficulty breathing?

Uh, it's getting worse.

Your resp rate is too fast,
and your O-two sats are low.

That cop messed me up, man.
He hit me in the throat.

You did kick
his pregnant partner.

I tripped
'cause he was all over me.

Well, now... now I'm gonna die?
- Open your mouth, please.

Thank you.

Inside looks okay.

Nothing seems to be broken

but we'll do imaging
just to be sure,

and we'll keep you on oxygen
until everything eases up.

What about him though?

He just gets away with using me
as a punching bag for his rage?

How is that right?

Well, you can take action
if you'd like, Mister Applebaum.

You don't have to do nothing.
- It's Cheese.

Okay.

I must've lost count
on the amount of times

that I've bought goodwill
with a McFlurry.

Now you can see where
my son gets his defiance trait.

Hey, your secret is safe
with me.

- How many do you have?
- Uh, two girls.

Uh, they live in Sudbury
with my ex, so...
- Oh.

I probably go a little
overboard on my days.

I get that.

Reid's uh, the one around more,

so it's like he took
all of his purpose in life
and channeled it into Darcy.

And since I'm there less...
- Any second you get with Darcy,

you want it to be fun,
I get it.

Yeah, exactly.

Um, I just know he can pick up
on my frustration.

Uh, I'm... I'm sorry if you
got the wrong idea here, uh...

Oh God, no.
Uh, I'm sorry.

I've humiliated myself.

No! No, no! You just misread
the situation, it's fine.

- Oh no!
- Nom it's really okay, it--

No! No, no, Darcy, stop!

Honey, what are you doing?!

At least we got the sample.

Aubrey.
I don't want him leaving.

They told me
sixth floor cardiology.

And I'm telling you no.

Oh man.

I've trained guys on doors
that are six four, two fifty,

and they didn't have
that kind of ferocity.

- How you doing, Patrick?
- Good.

No more tingling, whatever
you gave me seem to help.

Yeah, clot-busting drugs.
But I wanna keep
monitoring you, so...

Oh, meaning Fisher doesn't
wanna take it out.

Well, let's say I got
pretty ferocious with them
about not listening to you,

which is probably why she wants
you upstairs because she wants
to try to convince you

that I'm wrong, but-

Wait, because you lost your
cool, I gotta pay for it?

I'm sorry, it's just her
position on the ICD is that

if you want it out, you need
to make the case yourself.

I can't, Mags,
it takes multiple degrees!

- Wait!
- ...to argue with a doctor
like that.

It's all stats and percentages!

I've always lived my life
balls out! You know?

- I know.
- And what if she's right, huh?

I mean, I'm trying to do better.

And try to stick around for
my daughter and her boy but...

It was stupid to think
that a lifetime of bad choices
wasn't gonna catch up to me.

No, don't blame yourself.

If you say that the ICD
caused this, I believe you.

And you get to live
the life you want.

You're the reason
I signed up for this study
in the first place, Mags.

Because you talk
to your patients like...

like you get them.

Because I am one.

Huh?

That's the reason why I left.

My own heart gave out
and I almost died.

Jeez.

You're too young for that, kid.

I'm gonna fix this.
Sit tight.

'Kay.

Hey, where's Cheese?

Uh, he needed imaging
for his throat.
Security's with him.

- Van's baby gonna be okay?
- OB's been consulting.

They don't think there's enough
narcotic in him to put him
in withdrawal,

but he did go without oxygen
several times.

She's the only reason
Cheese is still breathing.

She made me stop.
It's what she does.

I don't know why I'm like this.

Do you want to come inside?

Hi Van, how are you feeling?

The OB says there's still
a chance you can stop my labour.

They gave you something
to slow down your contractions.

Is there anyone we can call
to come support you?

Uh, the father's
out of the picture.

My friend's my labour coach,
I left a message, but...

I'd say to call the person
who's supposed to have my back,

but he's got an anger problem
and turns to booze, violence

and apparently now
street fentanyl as an outlet.

Yeah, I-I'm sorry, okay,
I'm...

You don't understand,
I am freaked about
doing the job without you.

I needed to get out of my head
for a night, that's it.

I know you're your own
worst enemy, but do you have
to be mine?!

Ah! Ah!

I thought you said the
contractions were gonna stop.

Uh... um, would you mind
if I checked for dilation?

Uh... Okay.

Uh, Jack...

Wait.

Van, you're almost
fully dilated.

Um, because of the risk
involved, you'll have
to deliver this baby in emerg.

That wasn't the plan, I can't
give birth in the ER
while overdosing.

What happens
if I pass out again?

- We'll revive you.
- I shouldn't be here.

You don't get to walk away!

- I am sorry--
- Stop being sorry!

Okay? I know you have a good
heart, I just need you
to prove it!

How?

I need to know you'll be there
for my baby
if I pass out again.

Okay, just promise me you won't
let him out of your sight.

Can you do that for me, Jack?
Please.

Yeah.

- You're finally awake.
- Hey.

You're right, it wasn't
all that bad.

Why are you taking
sumatriptan?

- What?
- Sumatriptan.

- Oh... I get headaches.
- Is it prescribed?

No, it... it's my friend,
he gets migraines,
he said it might help.

The triptans may
have interfered
with your antidepressants,

causing something called
serotonin syndrome.

You stopped breathing
during the operation, Shay.

- You're upset...
- I was worried.

I mean... we didn't know
if we were gonna lose you.

Okay. Okay. I'm... I'm sorry.

Why are you even
taking medication
without a prescription?

Maybe 'cause I can be
a little bit bipolar,
and when I am, I get aura.

What is that... a little
bit... what are...
are you diagnosed bipolar?

The migraine meds help,

but they don't weigh me down
like my mood stabilizers do.

Shay, you had me thinking
you have depression.

I do. Also...

You know this is starting
to make sense.

Not sleeping for days,
the highs, the lows...

Why didn't you tell me?

It's always
the edge of a knife with you.

You have this way of making me
feel like all I do
is disappoint you and...

You're all I have, June! Just--
- Okay.

Just breathe.

I'm still here.

but I walked away
for my own health.

And to make up for that,
you want me to remove an ICD
in Trauma OR?

It's the only way! Patrick is
at risk of a larger stroke,
and Fisher won't listen to me.

Okay, look, her heart rate is
all over the place.

I need you to get me
a portable echo.

I'd page cardiology myself
but I'm still fighting OB
to keep her down here.

And you need someone
you can trust.

Yeah.
- Hey, um...

maybe you should try
apologizing to Fisher?

She might reconsider.
She's your doctor too.

Actually, she's not anymore.
I fired her.

But... you don't have
a cardiologist? Mags,
why would you do that?

Because I needed someone
I can trust too.

Look, we have to talk
about this later.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Can you get me
the portable echo?

- Yes.
- Alright, thank you.

So, let these run through,

and you can call the home care
nurse or me with questions
any time day or night.

- Thank you, Doctor Bergeron.
- You're welcome.

You taught dad how
to change saline at home?

Empower the patient,
save the bed?

What did he mean,
Mommy was touching the doctor?

- It isn't what you think.
- Yes, it is, Reid.

He was just being nice
and I got caught up,

so if you have a problem
with anyone, it's with me.

Well, I've got a problem
with all of it.

No, that... that is not
what happened.

Uh, actually,
this one's on me,
with dysfunctional parents,

divide and conquer
sometimes works.

Fix this, please.

Uh, the sample we got from
Darcy, it smelled sugary?

Uh, kinda sticky sweet.

That's strange 'cause Dad says
they don't eat sugar.

Yeah. But if Mom's giving him
meat when Dad's not looking,

maybe Darcy
can't digest the protein.

Maple Syrup Urine Disease.
I mean it usually
starts at birth.

Yeah, it may not show up
until triggered by diet
or stress though.

I will run white blood cells
to confirm.

Doubt it'll save the marriage.

No.

I know you're tired,
but push harder.

Okay, how are we doing
in here?

Started pushing after
the last two contractions.

Her birthing coach
still isn't here.

Van, I'm gonna be using
this wand to look at your heart

and try and find out
why it's beating so fast.

She's okay though?

Van, take the time
between contractions
to keep your breaths even.

- Here, gimme your hand.
- Contractility's weak.

She's cyanotic and I can see
fluid in her lungs.

Hey, you're braver
than I was at this point.

Just screaming for an epidural
before we even parked the car.

It's not as bad as the time
Jack crashed our squad car
trying to stop that chase.

I... at least, I, uh, I made
the car crash on my side.

You took 20 stitches to
keep that glass from hitting me.

Based on what we're seeing,
what worries me is
amniotic fluid embolism.

Because of the fentanyl?

No, it happens when amniotic
fluid gets in your bloodstream

and causes complications
during labour.

Although the continuing
effects of the overdose

and the weakened state of your
body could exacerbate things.

Uh, what does that mean
for my baby?

It means we need to get him
out as soon as we can,
ideally via C-section.

Is it too late to pivot?
- I had the same thought.

No!
I don't want a C-section.

- Van, you're already exhausted.
- I can push!

- Listen to the doctors, Van.
- Can we page
an anesthesiologist?

- I don't think you're--
- There's already one
on standby.

And we have everything we need.
- Time out! Okay?

It's not what Van wants,
gentlemen,

so let's at least hear
the other side
before choosing for her?

A C-section means
more blood loss,

and multiple transfusions
if the embolism progresses.

Plus they take longer
to heal from.

Please.
You gotta let me try.

Okay.
I can see a case for that.

Here comes
another contraction.

Three, two, one...

Push, push, push, push, push,
push, push, push, push, push!

Ah!

Jeez!
What the hell are you doing?!

- Taking action like you said!
- I meant get a lawyer!!

- I'm gonna kill you!
- No, Jack, you won't!

Ugh!

Jack, stop!

Code white!

Code white!
Call it in right now!

Clear the hallways!
- Clear the halls!

Her sats are falling!

We're losing
the baby's heart rate!

Agh!

Van! Focus!
Another big push!

Okay? You can do this!

Three, two, one!

Okay, let's have the vac
on standby!
We may need to help him out.

- Okay, it's enough!
- Stay out of it!

Ah!

You're dead!
You're dead!

- That's enough, Jack!
- No, get off of me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Code silver!

Code silver!

Bash!

Code silver in the
Emergency Department.

Cheese?

Okay. Jack, don't move!

He stopped crying.

He looks hypoxic and
lethargic, he needs NICU now!

I need to be with the baby.
That's all she wanted me to do.

Hey, hey, Jack, Jack,
don't move. Don't move!

- We need to clamp and cut.
- Come on, baby.

Where are you taking him?

They need to X-ray his chest
to make sure that
he's getting enough air.

Pulmonary edema!

She needs ventilation
and transfusions
for the embolism right now!

I can't feel my legs.

I can't...

Hey! Hey!
Come here!

Here! Pressure! Here!

Okay.

Okay.

Stay with us, Jack.

I'm just worried about you.

I didn't ask you to come.

I thought we were coming in
together.

June, you knew about this?
You called my mother?

I texted June a month ago,
since I wanted to know
how you were.

You guys have been
talking this whole time?

Not the whole time,
just a couple times until--

- She just wants to help, Shay.
- Like you know how to do that.

I know enough to accept
my limits, and that I need
to set boundaries

which is what June is doing.
- What did she tell you?

That I ignore the problem until
I do something stupid
like crash a car?

Or go missing for three weeks.

That was... all you do
is blame me!

I know you see it that way,

but when you get
to self-medicating,
I have to be the bad guy.

It's what happens every time.

And I'll do it again, Shay.

I'll keep doing it
over and over again.

You know, you said that
I'm the only person you have

but that's not really true,
I mean, you have your mom.

The fact that she's here
and she's facing--

- You just think I'm too much.
- No, I think I'm not enough!

You keep looking at me
like I'm someone who can handle
everything and I can't!

I don't wanna lose you
so I ask for help.

That's what we want, Shay,
it's to help.

Both of you get out!

Get out!
I will live with Kenzie!
- Kenzie...

- Shay.
- My stomach hurts,
I wanna rest.

Shay.

So...

it was healing really well,
and...

a couple weeks ago,
I opened it up again.

It got infected
and that's why...

it's still tender.

Why would you do that?

'Cause I used to cut myself.

And I've managed mostly
to stop, but sometimes it's j...

Look, you just gotta
trust me, okay?

Shay, you... you need help.

No.

Twenty-five milligrams.

Thirty minutes to kick in.

Honestly I'm surprised
you agreed to this so quickly.

The dosage,

that's enough to produce
a hallucinogenic reaction?

Not for everyone.

The idea is to activate
a dream-like state.

Some patients say memories
pop up like little films.

Others just feel relaxed
and some feel nothing.

So I just...
lie down there and...

You'll choose a playlist,
take a few deep breaths,
and it will start.

And it's normal to be nervous.

But just so you know, you're
totally in control of this.

Did you hear
the code silver today?

A few hours ago?
- The cop who got shot?

His partner had a baby
right before it happened.

Did he make it?

For a minute we weren't
sure if he would, but...

you know, we got him to OR
and now it's just wait and see
if he'll walk again.

The way he let his damage
drag down everyone around him...

after seeing that fallout,

I decided to...

Let me try
punching your brain in the face?

Uh, should I be concerned
about doing this so soon
after all that adrenaline?

Do you still feel heightened?

Good.

My mother used to say
if I tried drugs even once,

I'd ruin my life
and never become a doctor.

Mine too. Were you born here?

No. We came from Iran
when I was a baby.

And now you're a doctor
who prescribes drugs.

To other doctors whose mothers
would be equally appalled.

You'll stay?

I'll stay.

They keep him on a strict
diet, they'll manage.

Did she...

sort of use me to force
things with her husband?

Give it a month
and find her on Tinder.
You can use her back.

Uh, not really my thing.

Oh, dude, please,
have some fun.

By the way. Doctor Devi
wants me to come work in emerg.

Oh, in peds? I mean, with me
doing more crossover
it'd make sense.

No, actually she said
the attending job,

the one you have,
is up for grabs.

Uh...

not really sure
how I feel about that.

Yeah, well, I said yes.

Mags.

I've been trying to catch
everyone who was in Trauma
earlier.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I think so.

How are you doing?

Well, I've never been in this
kind of situation before.

Or dealt with the aftermath.

Well, you should take
your own advice.

Don't forget to take a beat
if you need one.

Also this cardiology patient
that you don't wanna send
upstairs--

Patrick Camby, yeah, I was
gonna tell you before

but I was hoping we could get
a surgeon to remove his ICD.

Not without the support
of his cardiologist.

But you haven't heard
the reasons.

I've read
your extensive notes.

And even if you're right--
- I am.

And that's what Patrick wants.

Fisher makes a good case
for why she disagrees.

But, er... in the birth,
you fought for Van

and you always fight
for the patient.

Why is this any different?

Directly contravening
the head of cardiology
on her own patient?

So it's a question of
politics.

Oh, it's okay,
sweetie. It's okay.

You're gonna be alright.

Nancy is quitting nursing.

She said she doesn't know
what she wants to do with her
life, but it can't be this.

You don't seem afraid anymore.

No.

What do you think
you were afraid of?

Feeling uninhibited?
Feeling vulnerable?

Maybe.

Okay, so how does
this work now?

You tell me.

Is there anything
you wanna talk about?

Anything you remember from
when the drug was more active?

Rumination. I'm surprised
you haven't asked.

- Why do you say that?
- Well, I kept saying it.

- Out loud?
- Wasn't I?

Okay, um...

It means contemplation,
but it sounds like ruin.

Uh, those things are
in such contrast.

Beauty and darkness.

Like my father's stethoscope.

Rumen means the stomach
of ruminant animals, cows.

So the word literally means
chewing the cud.

Any idea what you were
ruminating on?

Only that I also saw the sky

just full of stars.

A memory?

A beautiful night.

Do you remember where? When?

In the belly
of a bombed out building.

We were searching for survivors.

Beauty and darkness again.

What if I'm not capable
of seeing one without the other?

I...

Of separating damage from good?

Say more, Bashir.

Okay, so...

when that gun went off today,

I wasn't scared.

But this morning,
Mags and I...

tried talking
about the future?

And I couldn't see it.

Even though I want to.

Is it possible
that's what you're afraid of?

Not of feeling vulnerable,
but of feeling happy?

Maybe.

Probably.

What are you thinking about
now?

Cows.

Chewing, digesting, purging
and then...

...starting all over again.

Patrick? Patrick?

I wanted to give you my number.

So you can text me
if ever you feel any of the
warning signs we talked about.

- Thanks, Mags.
- Yeah.

I'm... I'm sorry that
my loophole didn't pan out.

Ah, don't worry about it.
I figured it on my own.

Really?
What does that mean?

Oh, I... I had a buddy
bring in a magnet.

According to Doctor Google,

it'll stop my ICD from shocking
me as long as it's close enough.

No, Patrick, I don't think
that's a good idea.

Medically speaking,
we don't know how that works

or what kind of side effects
you could have. You--

Mags. Mags. You were right
when you told me
to trust how I feel.

Now whether I can convince
Fisher to take this out

or find somebody else
to do it,

I gotta make sense
out of all this
the only way I know how.

And that's balls out.

Catch you later, kid.

You're on graveyard again?

How was your sister?

Well, you were right,
there was something underlying
so I forced her to confront it,

and she left.

Ah... June.

Look, I... I know
I put a lot of pressure on you
to be a mentor to me,

and maybe in some ways
that you didn't wanna be.

All I hear from that is
that I failed you.

No, that's not
what I mean, I...

I just didn't realize
what I was asking of you.

Did you get any sleep
between graveyards?

Go home.

I'll cover.
- You don't have to do that.

Go, before I change my mind.

Nothing.

Well, uh... it's going
to take time,

a lot of hard work
and rehab to know for sure.

I called my CO.

Told him everything.

They got Cheese in a holding
cell and um, I'm up for review.

That must have been very hard.

Have you seen Van?
The baby?

She's not coming to see me,
is she?

Yeah.

I wish Cheese had better aim.

I'm gonna find
a new cardiologist.

Yeah but when?

You almost died and now there's
no one monitoring your heart.

Yeah, I-I-I need you
to have my back, okay?

Not just to offload your fears.

Okay.

Bash, when that gun went off
today, it was...

Hey. Hey.

We're okay.

Did you go through
with the psilocybin?

I did.

Were you high?
How did it feel?

Hmm... uh, I don't think
I was high, but...

I felt lighter.

And now?

I think I'm gonna find
some place else to live.

difuze