All language subtitles for The Simpsons s36e07 Wicked This Way Comes.eng

?

[carnival music playing]

Am I the only one who thinks
it's weird that a strange circus

just appeared out of nowhere?

Oh, come on, Lisa.
You love circuseses.

I hate them.

I've literally gotten
three shut down

just in the past year.

Yes, but this one's
only exploiting people.

I want to see the dog-faced man.

And the man-faced dog.

-Who walks who?
-[Homer and Bart laugh]

Mom, surely you're not-

Step right up and see
Pint-Sized Hercules,

the world's strongest boy.

[gasps] He's got
tiny little abs.

[sighs]

[ringmaster]
I'm sorry, but you're fired.

Times have changed. You're just
not the draw you used to be.

You're got fewer tattoos
than the average chef.

Uh, yes, but mine are-

Mystical portals
to an alternate reality.

Look, if kids want
mystical portals,

they'll look at their phones.

Hand over your freak badge
and your tattoo gun.

[gasps]

Excuse me.

How much to see
the Illustrated Man?

Forget it, kid. I'm retired.

Okay, best of luck to you.

[laughs] Oh, you don't give up,
do you?

All right, have a seat.

If you stare at one
of my tattoos long enough,

it tells a story...

strange and unusual.

How long does it take?

It's a miracle!
Give it two seconds.

Strange and unusual.

[wind blowing]

[gasps]

-[woman screams]
-What the...?

[woman screams]

Hello? Lady?

Is someone down there?

[woman screams]

Aw, gee whiz,
she's buried alive.

Hang in there, lady.
I'll get help.

Mom, Dad, there's
a screaming woman in the woods,

and she's buried alive.

We got to dig her out.

Calm down, noisy pants.

You know your father only has
a two-hour lunch break.

But she's screaming for help.

Speaking of screaming women,

I heard that Luann Van Houten

got into a row with Miss Hoover

for telling everyone
that Luann dyes her hair.

She's got enough trouble

married to a dead-end dipstick
like Kirk.

Stop gossiping, sir and ma'am.
The lady's gonna run out of air.

I used to work with that loser
at Double Beef Burger.

They play their jingle
all day long.

-Now, how did that go?
-[groans]

Who cares about burger jingles?

She's gonna die!

I think we all know this is
another one of your famous fibs.

Yeah, like that time you said

there was a boy in the woods
crying wolf,

and when we got there,
there was no boy at all.

Just a fat wolf.

[groans]

Oh, come on. Pick up, pick up.

[line twangs]

Milhouse, what are you doing?

Just playing a game on my phone.

Listen to me,
there's a screaming woman

buried in the woods, and I need
your help digging her up.

No can do, Bart.

I'm at my grandma's.

Had my calls forwarded.

I won't be back
for another three days.

We can play the
screaming woman game then.

It's not a game!

Ugh. I lost all my high scores.

All right, I'll just check
every house in the neighborhood

until I find the one
that's missing a lady.

?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Van Houten.

Never mind.
Glad you're not in a hole.

Is something the matter, Bart?

There's a screaming woman
buried in the woods,

but everyone thinks I'm lying.

A screaming woman?
That does sound serious.

You believe me?

Of course. Why not come inside

and tell me more
over a nice glass of milk?

Thanks, but we should hurry.

I don't think
she has much time left.

[gulps]

Time enough for
one more glass of milk, I bet.

I shouldn't.
Milk makes me sleepy.

Milhouse should be home soon.

Uh, he's with
his hula hoop tutor.

I thought he was
at his grandmother's?

Oh. [laughs]
Whatever gave you that idea?

Bottoms up.

Now, you must be ready
for a nap.

No... I have to save... [yawns]

[yawning] ...the lady.

Nighty-night.

Must stay awake.

[grunts, gasps]

Lady!
Are you still alive down there?

Give me a sign, please.

You can't be dead. You can't.

[crying]
I'm sorry, lady. I tried.

The one time I'm not lying
to make other people look stupid

for believing me,
and no one will believe me.

[woman]
? The beefiest beef eats other beef... ?

Wait, are you... singing?

? The beefiest beef
eats other beef ?

? Double Beef Burgers'
beef-fed beef. ?

You just sang
our old burger jingle.

How could you possibly know it?

Because the screaming woman
just sang it to me.

[gasps]
That's no screaming woman...

..it's a screaming Kirk.

I was wondering when you were
gonna finish that thought.

[screams]

[coughs, grunts]

Oh, thank you, Bart.
Oh, you saved me.

Is this the woman
who buried you?

He let Miss Hoover see him
buying my hair dye.

The shame.
What choice did I have?

Uh, she's got a point.
Here in the 1950s,

murder is much more
socially acceptable

-than, uh, you know, divorce.
-[handcuffs unclick]

-You're free to go.
-A-Are you mad at me?

Kind of seem like
you're mad at me.

Oh, honey,
we'll never doubt you again.

Really?

Lisa's a communist.

Mm. Take her away, Chief.

?

Wow, your tattoos
really are magic.

What's that one about?

Uh, that one tells a story
of a brief period

where I was very into
the band Sublime.

This one does something.

Item 22 on the agenda,

preparations for flag day.

Yeah, it's seven months away.

And we are woefully behind.

I'd like to get your opinion
on some bunting samples.

Oh, kill me.

Now, uh, the price per yard
on this one is a bit high,

but the drape will make it
the comeliest thing on a pole

you've ever seen.

You know
you're a tragic figure?

Like Hamlet if he was boring
and a principal

and a- and an idiot.

?

Another Gallo, barkeep.

Uh-uh, leave the box.

Hey, pal. You don't look like
the kind of guy

who drinks alone
just for the fun of it.

What's eating at you?

Have you ever been forced
to spend all of your time

with someone
whose very existence

just sucks the will to live
right out of you?

What if I told you
today's modern science

has a solution
to that very problem?

Come with me.

How is this possible?
He-he looks just like you.

Not he, it.

It's an exact robot replica
of me.

A very hush-hush new technology.

How do they work?

They're full of gears.
Hundreds of 'em.

Gears, of course, but you made
a mechanical doppelganger

of yourself just to hang out
with your best friend?

Uh, well, Lenny's really into
jigsaw puzzles,

and I am not.

So, whenever he breaks one out,

I send in Robot Carl.

Call that number
and start living your best life.

My, my, you are quite the me.

Now, h-how does one
power you up?

Well, I do enjoy a good
cup of coffee in the morning.

Oh, as do I. Nature's
pipe cleaner, I call it.

But you would know that,
uh, being me,

only in robot form, of course.

Yes, quite. A-And you
the human me, as it were.

-Indeed. Yes.
-Very good.

-Well, there you have it.
-Have it, we do.

So, how can I help?

I like a man who gets
right to the point.

I know you do.

Ah, yes, you would.

Well, eh, shall we?

Lead the way.

Mm...

Hmm...

Have a good day, Superintendent.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I don't think my programming
would allow it.

What are you doing here? I...
I just saw you at the school.

[both panting]

[panting]
How... how are there two of you?

[panting] I ordered a robot me

so I wouldn't have to be
around you anymore.

What? You don't
Robot-Skinner me,

I Robot-Chalmers you.

You're the annoying one.

And you're the mean one.

Oh, you'd yell your name at you

if you had to deal
with you, too.

I would find myself
highly tolerable.

Guy from the bar that night,
thank God I found you.

You got to destroy that robot
before it's too late.

What's wrong with the robots?

I don't know what happened.

Something with the gears, maybe.

Good God.

Robot Carl started thinking
for himself,

and it wasn't pretty.

Last night, the robot tells me
he planned a trip

to Niagara Falls
for him and Lenny.

Well, that sounds like fun,

so I says, "I'm going
because I'm the real Carl."

And then he starts crying,

which they ain't supposed to do.

But when I tried to shove him
in his crate,

that wind-up dingus fought back

with robot super strength.

So I did the only thing I could.

You got to act fast.

Once the robots
start feeling emotions,

there's no telling
what could happen.

Uh, children, we have
recently become aware

of an extraordinary
human concept.

It's called friendship.

Dear God, emotions.

We're too late.

In order to promote
friend-making,

students are encouraged
to call their teachers

by their first names.

First-name-calling?

No, that can only lead to

the breakdown
of the social order.

Wanton high-fiving.

T-shirts worn as real shirts.

Well, let's give it a try,
shall we?

Hello, Seymour.

Howdy, Gary-

[grunting]

[cheering]

[grunting]

You like feelings, huh?
How does my fist feel?

[grunts]

Go back to hell,
you bionic bastard.

[cheering]

This is the best assembly ever!

Don't shoot!

I'm the real Chalmers.

He's lying. Shoot him.

Shoot the one on the left.

-Right.
-Left. -Right.

-Left.
-Right. -Left.

Shoot 'em both.
It's the only way to be sure.

Look, look, we were wrong
to play God.

But if there's anything
I have learned from all of this,

other than don't make
robots of yourself,

it's that I could afford

to be a little bit nicer
to you, Seymour.

Skinner!

He's obviously the robot!

Shoot him!
God, you're an idiot!

[sighs] I know the real
Chalmers when I hear him.

No!

[cheering]

[weakly]
I forgive you, Seymour.

I know that you'll...

you'll plan a wonderful...

flag day...

[sobbing]

[Nelson]
Haw-haw!

Um, I couldn't help but notice

some lovely bunting samples
in your office.

Perhaps you could, uh...

walk me through them?

I'd like that, Gary.

-Well, it's 9:00, so...
-Please don't go.

Let me spin just one more tale

of the strange and fantastical.

Cast your gaze,
just above my hernia scar,

and travel to a chillingly
plausible future.

[fireman]
Firemen.

-[gasps]
-We have a report

of subversive content
in this house.

Step away from
the lowbrow entertainment.

I'm sorry,
I was just curious.

It won't happen again.

Yeah... [chuckles]

Not after a little
reeducation, it won't.

Homer, hurry, the new episode
of Robber Barons

is about to start.

The very idea, an elevated train
under the ground?

I require no crystal ball
to see that your invention

will never work,
Mr. Thaddeus Subway.

Who's that guy
with the mustache?

Who's that other mustache?

It's so dark.
Can we brighten it?

This is how the director
meant for us to watch it.

Our squinting
reinforces the themes.

It's got to be
almost over, right?

This is still the recap
from last week.

Oh...

Homer, it's our civic duty

to watch the most densely
plotted television we can.

That's why lowbrow entertainment
was outlawed.

[groans]

Hey, guys, great job
on that last raid.

We took out 32 seasons of
Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,

and the last known episode
of Last Man Standing.

Have you guys ever...

watched any of that
lowbrow stuff we burn?

-Uh, illegal much?
-[alarm ringing]

All right, let's go start fires
instead of putting 'em out.

Up we go!

[Wolfcastle grunts]

Fire Department!

Hmm?

[bleats]

[screams]

[laughing]

I thought goat was
going to eat carrot,

but goat chomped farmer
in the junk!

[laughing]

Don't burn it, lad.

You like what you see?

Take it, watch it. Find us.

[fire crackling]

Did you all read
Alan Sepinwall III's recap

of the season finale
of The Hapsburgs?

-Uh-huh.
-Oh, yes, absolutely. -Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Do you guys ever wish
TV could be dumb and fun?

So when you watch it,
you just laugh?

Thank you for
a lovely evening, Marge.

?

[laughing]

Dad? What were you watching?

Son, you're the one person
in this family

that might understand this.

It's possible we've been
wrong about everything.

[VCR clicks]

-[sneeze]
-[baby crying]

The dog that sneezed
in the baby's face,

what's his backstory?

There's no backstory.
It just is.

Which is its own kind
of innovative narrative?

No, no narrative!

[moans] Forget it.

Please, son, just don't
tell anyone about this.

I trust you.

Reports of lowbrow contraband!

Why, son?
Why did you betray me?

I trusted you!

Merch.

[screams] Burn-master General
Siegfried Blaze!

Homer, you disappoint me.

Don't you see that we set fires
for the good of humanity?

We learned long ago
that entertainment

must fully occupy the
consciousness of the population.

You're using quality TV
to control us.

Yes, these challenging shows
are the perfect distraction

from how dystopian
our dystopia is.

You monster!

Am I?

Do you know what
entertainment was like

in the before-times?

Comfort shows you could
just put on in any order

while you looked at your phone.

Oh, that sounds like heaven.

Don't worry,
a little reeducation

and you'll be as good as new.

Strap him
to the viewing chamber

for four seasons of...

Mozart in the Jungle.

[yelping]

I...

choose...

crap!

[low growl]

Barney, I can't explain,

but I need to switch clothes
with you.

What fun!

Huh?

[fireman over loudspeaker]
Threat neutralized.

[Homer whimpers quietly]

[Homer gasps]
The symbol from the tape.

Please, let me in.

I just want to watch something
that isn't very good.

[hinge squeaks]

[Homer]
Yoink!

They said there were others
like me.

[gasps] Lowbrow...

[flatly]
Hey, hey.

This is all that remains
of the old civilization.

Singing contests.
Real Housewives.

The Golden Bachelor.

All yours to enjoy.

I never dreamed there was
this much nothing.

-[yelps]
-[crashing]

Thank you, Homer,
for leading us here.

Hey, isn't that the guy
who created Breaking Bad?

Vince Gilligan? Where?

Let them go.

They have no garbage
left to watch.

[Homer]
Some say the world is destined to drown

in an ocean of
prestige television.

But so long as we tell the tales

of singers masked
and Kardashians kept up with,

garbage will live forever.

And then Sheldon said,

"Bazinga."

So in the end,
the only rules that mattered

were the Vanderpump rules.

That night, my friends,

the funniest home video
in all of America

was deemed to be

"Squirrel Falls
in Grandma's Soup."

-[gasps]
-[applause]

Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media
Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Wow, those stories are amazing.

But I guess I should be
leaving this...

strange, featureless void?

What happened? Where am I?

You were kind enough to listen
to the required stories three.

And this is your eternal reward.

No! Get me out of here!

I don't want to be
a living tattoo!

Eh, don't worry,
you'll make friends in no time.

Hi.

? I don't practice Santeria ?

? I ain't got
no crystal ball... ?

Ugh. No!

? But I ?

? I'd spend it all ?

? If I could find that jaina ?

? And that Sancho
that she found ?

? Well, I'd pop a cap
in Sancho ?

? And I'd slap her down ?

? What I really want to know ?

? Ah, baby. ?

Shh!

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