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1
00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:02,460
Previously on "Night Court"...
2
00:00:02,460 --> 00:00:05,960
I can't believe Dan might be
your boyfriend's dad.
3
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,250
We're not even positive
they are father and son.
4
00:00:08,250 --> 00:00:10,760
We can trick those guys
into a paternity test, easy.
5
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:13,380
I'm always looking for a reason
to steal DNA.
6
00:00:13,380 --> 00:00:15,430
No one's stealing any DNA.
7
00:00:15,430 --> 00:00:17,100
We could get the answer
in a normal way.
8
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:19,680
Didn't you date a lawyer
who worked at night court
9
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,980
right around the time
you were pregnant with Jake?
10
00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:24,140
There was a lawyer...
11
00:00:24,150 --> 00:00:25,270
and a judge.
12
00:00:25,270 --> 00:00:27,190
Was it a night court judge?
13
00:00:27,190 --> 00:00:29,190
And a magician.
14
00:00:30,070 --> 00:00:32,070
Okay. I'm in.
Let's get their DNA.
15
00:00:32,070 --> 00:00:35,490
And just for fun,
here's mine, too.
16
00:00:35,490 --> 00:00:36,820
Everybody here thinks
17
00:00:36,820 --> 00:00:39,410
that you're the judge's
boyfriend's dad.
18
00:00:40,330 --> 00:00:42,540
You think what?
19
00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:45,370
So, there you have it.
20
00:00:45,370 --> 00:00:47,790
Dan, you might be Jake's dad.
21
00:00:47,790 --> 00:00:50,340
The answer is right here
in this envelope.
22
00:00:50,340 --> 00:00:52,170
It's a lot to process.
23
00:00:52,170 --> 00:00:53,920
Yeah.
24
00:00:57,180 --> 00:01:00,100
Wow!
You two even stress the same.
25
00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,390
So, which one of you
wants to open it?
26
00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:07,190
There is also a third option.
27
00:01:07,190 --> 00:01:10,230
I open it and read the results
like a '90s talk show.
28
00:01:10,230 --> 00:01:13,320
It's always been my dream to be
this generation's Maury Povich.
29
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:17,700
And not just because I think
Connie Chung can still get it.
30
00:01:18,780 --> 00:01:20,660
Big day for all of us.
31
00:01:20,660 --> 00:01:22,040
I'm going to journal
about this so hard
32
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,160
the neighbors
are going to complain.
33
00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:26,710
He can't be my son.
34
00:01:26,710 --> 00:01:28,960
I had a vasectomy in 1987.
35
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,290
Although, you know,
that medical staff
36
00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:31,880
may have had it out for me.
37
00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:35,630
I had this great joke about them
not accepting tips.
38
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:39,090
Not even one courtesy laugh.
39
00:01:40,220 --> 00:01:42,890
Oh, my first maybe-dad joke.
40
00:01:42,890 --> 00:01:44,980
Come on,
just open the envelope.
41
00:01:46,100 --> 00:01:49,100
Dan, Jake is...
42
00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:51,770
not your daughter.
43
00:01:52,650 --> 00:01:55,240
What?
Let me see that.
44
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,490
They must have screwed up
and tested my hair
45
00:01:57,490 --> 00:01:58,820
against Dan's DNA.
46
00:01:58,820 --> 00:02:00,200
Why did they have your hair?
47
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:01,570
Did you think
Dan was your dad, too?
48
00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:02,870
Nope. Worse.
49
00:02:02,870 --> 00:02:05,580
I thought you were my brother.
50
00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:07,660
But good news!
You're not.
51
00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:09,250
That's too bad.
52
00:02:09,250 --> 00:02:11,170
That would have given
you two a bit of an edge.
53
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,500
I can take your samples
down to the crime lab
54
00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:16,550
and have the results
in 48 hours.
55
00:02:16,550 --> 00:02:20,050
"Will solve a brutal murder.
56
00:02:20,050 --> 00:02:25,180
Parentheses. Pretty white lady.
Whole life ahead of her."
57
00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:28,980
- Fantastic.
- This is fantastic.
58
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,950
So, possible big relationship
on the horizon for two people
59
00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:40,740
who are very special to me.
60
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:42,570
Hold on.
I hear a squeak.
61
00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:44,120
I don't know if it's you
or my chair.
62
00:02:45,410 --> 00:02:47,950
Damn it, it's the chair.
63
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,330
I wish my voice could go
that low.
64
00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:53,500
Anyway, I thought you might
want to talk it out with someone
65
00:02:53,500 --> 00:02:55,420
who knows a thing
or two about fatherhood.
66
00:02:55,420 --> 00:02:56,840
Wyatt?
I'll ask his advice
67
00:02:56,840 --> 00:03:00,050
when I'm looking for
a fitted tee.
68
00:03:00,050 --> 00:03:01,510
You know,
I remember when I found out
69
00:03:01,510 --> 00:03:02,970
I was going to be a dad.
70
00:03:02,970 --> 00:03:05,890
It's a lot, but 90%
is just showing up.
71
00:03:05,890 --> 00:03:07,810
Though, you're just
showing up now,
72
00:03:07,810 --> 00:03:09,980
so your percentages
will be different.
73
00:03:09,980 --> 00:03:14,860
Let's say 30% showing up,
20% life lessons, 17% holidays.
74
00:03:14,860 --> 00:03:17,440
Is Jake Jewish? Because
their Christmas is like 11 days.
75
00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,360
I'll have to rerun the numbers.
76
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,700
Wyatt, thank you so much
for that pep talk.
77
00:03:21,700 --> 00:03:25,370
It was 100% useless.
78
00:03:25,370 --> 00:03:30,330
So, when you say, "I got this,"
that just means nothing?
79
00:03:30,330 --> 00:03:32,080
Hey, Mommy Longlegs.
80
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,830
Word on the street
is you've been smoking
81
00:03:33,830 --> 00:03:35,290
on the judge's fire escape.
82
00:03:35,290 --> 00:03:37,250
Oh, because I'm an ex-con,
83
00:03:37,250 --> 00:03:40,010
you assume that I'm breaking
the rules around here?
84
00:03:40,010 --> 00:03:42,840
That is an outrageous
accusation.
85
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:45,300
So, this ashtray
sculpted by a woman
86
00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:47,970
venting her sexual frustration
through clay
87
00:03:47,970 --> 00:03:51,140
that says "Made in Rikers"
isn't yours?
88
00:03:52,810 --> 00:03:54,480
You got me.
89
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:59,150
I also channeled my prison heat
into some very phallic vases.
90
00:04:00,110 --> 00:04:02,200
Well, knock off the smoking.
91
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,110
You don't get a pass
just 'cause you're new.
92
00:04:04,110 --> 00:04:05,950
Fine. I'll stop.
93
00:04:05,950 --> 00:04:09,120
- I don't believe you.
- You got me again. You're good.
94
00:04:09,870 --> 00:04:12,660
First up,
the People vs. Bree McKee,
95
00:04:12,670 --> 00:04:14,540
who is charged
with destruction of property
96
00:04:14,540 --> 00:04:16,380
at the Times Square Duane Reade.
97
00:04:16,380 --> 00:04:19,920
Rather than wait for an
employee to open a locked case,
98
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:21,880
Miss McKee smashed through it
99
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:25,090
with a walker
from the mobility aids aisle.
100
00:04:25,090 --> 00:04:27,930
I'm not seeing a statement
from anyone who works there.
101
00:04:27,930 --> 00:04:30,470
We're still
not sure anyone does.
102
00:04:31,350 --> 00:04:33,690
These drug stores
inexplicably put more things
103
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:35,230
behind unbreakable glass
than museums.
104
00:04:35,230 --> 00:04:36,650
You know, it's easier
to steal a Rembrandt
105
00:04:36,650 --> 00:04:38,730
than to buy foot powder?
106
00:04:38,730 --> 00:04:40,730
I needed a pregnancy test.
107
00:04:40,730 --> 00:04:43,150
And if the condoms
weren't locked up last time,
108
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:46,070
I wouldn't even be
here right now.
109
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:48,990
So, you might be pregnant.
110
00:04:48,990 --> 00:04:50,910
No wonder she's upset.
111
00:04:50,910 --> 00:04:52,580
She's moments away
from finding out
112
00:04:52,580 --> 00:04:53,910
if her life is going to change
forever,
113
00:04:53,910 --> 00:04:56,920
and she's told she has to wait.
114
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,920
What if she's not ready
to have a kid?
115
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,460
Not everybody is cut out
to be a parent, you know?
116
00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:05,010
Damn! She's 70.
117
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:09,430
She likes her life
the way it is.
118
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:11,930
Imagine
how much worse it'd be
119
00:05:11,930 --> 00:05:14,020
if I hadn't given him
that pep talk.
120
00:05:14,980 --> 00:05:16,940
Okay, I'm gonna let you off
with a warning,
121
00:05:16,940 --> 00:05:20,060
because in nine months,
you may be doing hard labor.
122
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:21,730
Hey-o!
123
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:24,280
Five-minute recess.
124
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,110
You don't need to take
that test.
125
00:05:26,110 --> 00:05:28,870
I can tell you're pregnant
by the shape of your face.
126
00:05:30,950 --> 00:05:34,500
Oh, look, Jake's here
with a face full of hope.
127
00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:35,540
Dan's gonna hate that.
128
00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:37,880
- I got this.
- No.
129
00:05:38,670 --> 00:05:40,040
Hey.
What you got there?
130
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,340
Well, since Dan
might be my dad,
131
00:05:42,340 --> 00:05:43,670
I thought it'd be fun
if I showed him
132
00:05:43,670 --> 00:05:44,960
some of my childhood memories.
133
00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:46,130
There's also a baseball
in there,
134
00:05:46,130 --> 00:05:48,340
in case he wants
to have a catch.
135
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,510
Why are you doing this to me?!
136
00:05:54,390 --> 00:05:57,100
You know, I think a box
full of tender memories
137
00:05:57,100 --> 00:05:58,810
might be a lot much for Dan
right--
138
00:05:58,810 --> 00:06:00,690
and you're already going.
139
00:06:00,690 --> 00:06:04,070
- Hey, Dan.
- Oh. Hey, Jake.
140
00:06:05,070 --> 00:06:07,490
Nice weather we're having
here in the courtroom today.
141
00:06:07,490 --> 00:06:09,610
I was thinking the two of us
could go through this box--
142
00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:11,200
Oh, Jake.
143
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,660
Dan doesn't want to look
through a box of my old stuff.
144
00:06:13,660 --> 00:06:15,370
Right?
145
00:06:17,830 --> 00:06:19,170
What's with all the crap?
146
00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:20,750
Just a bunch of my junk.
147
00:06:20,750 --> 00:06:24,000
Got a recorder,
148
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:27,260
pages from
a Victoria's Secret catalog.
149
00:06:27,260 --> 00:06:29,470
Hubba, hubba.
150
00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:31,140
You probably thought
if those pictures
151
00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:33,050
were a big part
of your sexual awakening,
152
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,810
your dad would want
to know about it.
153
00:06:35,810 --> 00:06:37,140
Oh, hey, there's a baseball
in here.
154
00:06:37,140 --> 00:06:40,520
Hmm. Does anyone
want to have a catch?
155
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,060
Um, you know what?
156
00:06:42,060 --> 00:06:44,190
I'm just going to help
Abby get rid of this crap.
157
00:06:44,190 --> 00:06:45,440
Right.
158
00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:48,740
Stupid, stupid.
159
00:06:48,740 --> 00:06:50,950
Should have brought my mitt.
160
00:06:54,660 --> 00:06:57,370
I know Dan will love Jake
if he just gets to know him.
161
00:06:57,370 --> 00:07:00,920
So, I made a few hundred
flashcards with icebreakers
162
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,130
to get the conversation popping.
163
00:07:03,130 --> 00:07:05,750
"Describe your perfect day."
164
00:07:05,750 --> 00:07:08,760
"What song would pull you
out of a coma?"
165
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,840
"Canada has been attacked
by an aggressive foreign army.
166
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,050
Do you volunteer to fight?"
167
00:07:14,050 --> 00:07:15,470
Great questions, Wyatt.
168
00:07:15,470 --> 00:07:17,520
My answers are Christmas,
169
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:18,850
"Tubthumping,"
170
00:07:18,850 --> 00:07:21,520
and "Oh, yeah,
you bet I'll fight, eh."
171
00:07:23,150 --> 00:07:24,480
Judge,
this isn't going to work.
172
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,480
Fathers and sons
don't have conversations.
173
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:27,900
There's too much risk.
174
00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:30,320
You might say something
you actually mean.
175
00:07:31,110 --> 00:07:32,530
You need a project.
176
00:07:32,530 --> 00:07:35,950
My dad and I restored
an entire 1967 Mustang
177
00:07:35,950 --> 00:07:38,120
and didn't make
eye contact once.
178
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:40,250
I've never felt more loved.
179
00:07:41,250 --> 00:07:43,120
Judge,
we're ready to start court.
180
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,880
Hey, Gurgs, what kind of
things do you do with your dad?
181
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,000
My dad and I
have a family band
182
00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,550
that plays small clubs upstate.
183
00:07:49,550 --> 00:07:52,220
Have you ever heard
of Simon and Gurgfunkel?
184
00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:54,510
Because those were our rivals.
185
00:07:55,510 --> 00:07:57,680
You go ahead.
186
00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,600
I'll be right there.
187
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,030
Oh, did you mean
this fire escape?
188
00:08:08,940 --> 00:08:10,440
Come in here right now,
189
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:11,990
or I'll make you eat
that cigarette like a hot dog.
190
00:08:11,990 --> 00:08:13,490
Oh, fine.
191
00:08:13,490 --> 00:08:15,450
This will be my last one.
192
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,000
You might want to get
comfortable.
193
00:08:27,790 --> 00:08:29,800
Judge, we have a problem.
194
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,880
You know that defendant
who was accused of trespassing
195
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:34,760
in the women's changing room
in Bally's Total Fitness?
196
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,140
The guy
who's pleading it's fine
197
00:08:36,140 --> 00:08:38,180
because he thought
he was invisible?
198
00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:42,390
Yeah, well,
he's completely disappeared.
199
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:48,070
But I'm on it. I got the police
sketch artist to draw this.
200
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,690
Sorry. This.
201
00:08:52,820 --> 00:08:57,320
Gurgs, don't be silly.
People can't turn invisible.
202
00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:01,580
Oh, no.
He got away again.
203
00:09:01,580 --> 00:09:03,790
And he stole my protein bar!
204
00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:07,080
Oh, no. Wait. It's here.
205
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,420
Hey, I got your text.
206
00:09:09,420 --> 00:09:11,420
Oh. Excuse me.
207
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,420
You said you needed to see me
about a couple's emergency?
208
00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:16,800
Hey, you said
there's some guy here
209
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,970
just giving away paninis?
210
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,100
You know what?
211
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:25,940
A liar must have stolen
my phone.
212
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,810
But since you both are here,
213
00:09:28,810 --> 00:09:31,940
Dan's been having
a horrible squeak in his chair.
214
00:09:31,940 --> 00:09:34,070
Jake, maybe you can help
him fix it?
215
00:09:34,070 --> 00:09:35,360
You are a bit of a chair expert.
216
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:37,110
I don't know about expert.
217
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,660
I put my butt in a chair,
one cheek at a time,
218
00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:40,910
just like everybody else.
219
00:09:40,910 --> 00:09:42,450
You're welcome to try.
220
00:09:42,450 --> 00:09:46,330
Just know that I show my
gratitude without money.
221
00:09:46,330 --> 00:09:49,380
Whoa, Dan, this is a classic.
222
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:54,050
Oh, a custom
mid-century Eames lounger
223
00:09:54,050 --> 00:09:55,880
with convertible armrests?
224
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,430
Oh, what a beaut.
225
00:09:58,430 --> 00:10:00,350
She's a rescue.
226
00:10:01,430 --> 00:10:03,060
She'd been living
in squalid conditions.
227
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:07,230
She was in a man cave...
under a dartboard.
228
00:10:08,230 --> 00:10:10,690
Some people shouldn't
be allowed to have chairs.
229
00:10:12,110 --> 00:10:13,570
Fully pneumatic lift.
230
00:10:13,570 --> 00:10:15,230
Did you double
the lumbar support?
231
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,610
Baby, it's not even
street legal.
232
00:10:18,530 --> 00:10:20,700
Nice work,
finding their thing.
233
00:10:22,910 --> 00:10:25,290
I hate to see her like this.
234
00:10:25,290 --> 00:10:27,000
Well, you know,
if I had some tools,
235
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,080
we could pop the seat and
see what you're working with.
236
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:31,130
Hey, Wyatt, do you think
we could just
237
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:32,920
get rid of this old toolbox?
238
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:36,130
I mean,
no one's ever going to use it.
239
00:10:36,130 --> 00:10:39,260
Nope. We'll use them.
Yeah.
240
00:10:39,260 --> 00:10:41,010
They're sharing tools.
241
00:10:41,010 --> 00:10:42,760
They're rolling up
their sleeves.
242
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,680
I got to call my dad.
243
00:10:49,810 --> 00:10:51,730
Well, that should do it.
244
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,610
Let's wipe her down
and take her for a ride.
245
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:57,740
Any hardworking boys
hungry for paninis?
246
00:10:58,860 --> 00:11:01,450
I'm setting feminism way back.
247
00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,280
I know that you
set all of this up,
248
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,370
but even your enjoyment
doesn't ruin it for me.
249
00:11:06,370 --> 00:11:09,620
Jake's a good kid.
- Oh, it's happening!
250
00:11:09,620 --> 00:11:11,880
Okay, you could enjoy it
a little less.
251
00:11:12,710 --> 00:11:14,540
I'm just so happy you two
are hitting it off.
252
00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:16,460
Oh, hey, don't forget
we have book club tonight.
253
00:11:16,460 --> 00:11:18,590
Hey, you two are
in a book club?
254
00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:20,090
Oh, no,
we're not in a book club.
255
00:11:20,090 --> 00:11:23,550
We watch a book club
and mock it.
256
00:11:24,890 --> 00:11:26,760
Every month,
a super random group of people
257
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,180
meets in the cafeteria,
258
00:11:28,180 --> 00:11:30,430
and we make up stories
about their lives.
259
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,650
She gives them
hopes and dreams.
260
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,400
I give them creepy fetishes.
261
00:11:37,730 --> 00:11:39,110
Hey, you should come.
262
00:11:39,110 --> 00:11:41,280
- Oh, you're inviting Jake?
- Huh?
263
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,570
- To our thing?
- I don't want to overstep
264
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,070
if it's, uh, you know,
your thing.
265
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,580
No, no, no,
it's not our thing.
266
00:11:46,580 --> 00:11:48,660
It's just a thing
we do together.
267
00:11:48,660 --> 00:11:52,420
After we tried dozens of other
things that you walked out on.
268
00:11:53,250 --> 00:11:56,090
But, yeah, it's totally...
269
00:11:58,420 --> 00:12:00,840
It's totally fine if Jake comes.
270
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:05,390
What kind of nutjob would say,
"The less, the merrier," right?
271
00:12:06,510 --> 00:12:08,010
Are you really okay
with that?
272
00:12:08,010 --> 00:12:10,270
Because I'm sensing some
"big sister getting jealous
273
00:12:10,270 --> 00:12:12,390
of the new baby" energy.
274
00:12:14,230 --> 00:12:15,860
No, I am happy for them.
275
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:18,190
I am in no way threatened
by his relationship with Jake.
276
00:12:18,190 --> 00:12:19,860
We're not children.
277
00:12:19,860 --> 00:12:22,110
Whee!
278
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,280
I already know
how to ride a chair.
279
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:36,250
Oh, God. That's hilarious.
280
00:12:36,250 --> 00:12:38,800
Alright, now,
you tell a joke.
281
00:12:41,210 --> 00:12:42,550
Where have you been?
282
00:12:42,550 --> 00:12:43,880
I've been watching
these weirdos alone
283
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,720
like a weirdo.
284
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:48,010
Sorry.
Dan took me tie shopping.
285
00:12:48,010 --> 00:12:51,310
Did you know that 80% of men
are wearing the wrong size tie?
286
00:12:51,310 --> 00:12:53,850
Dan thinks that might be
the source of my back problems.
287
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,190
You went tie shopping
without me?
288
00:12:56,190 --> 00:12:57,690
I would have loved that.
289
00:12:57,690 --> 00:13:00,070
I've always in the market
for a lady's wide.
290
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:03,490
Abby, I told you, my guy
doesn't do menswear for women.
291
00:13:03,490 --> 00:13:06,160
He's confounded by breasts.
292
00:13:06,990 --> 00:13:09,200
Jake, let me get you up
to speed on book club.
293
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,830
You see that lady
with the big cup?
294
00:13:11,830 --> 00:13:14,080
We call her Big Cup.
295
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:15,620
She likes to drink a lot,
296
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:18,750
but the one thing
she can't swallow is the truth.
297
00:13:18,750 --> 00:13:24,090
And the one in the yellow
glasses, we call Yellow Glasses.
298
00:13:24,090 --> 00:13:26,090
My going theory is
that she's pulling
299
00:13:26,090 --> 00:13:28,340
a "Talented Mr. Ripley"
long con.
300
00:13:28,350 --> 00:13:30,890
She murdered
someone in Italy.
301
00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:33,430
Now you see that guy
with the hat?
302
00:13:33,430 --> 00:13:34,890
We call him--
- Hat Guy?
303
00:13:34,890 --> 00:13:36,770
Quick study.
304
00:13:36,770 --> 00:13:38,600
You know,
who's a really quick study
305
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,730
was that pocket square
sommelier at the tie store.
306
00:13:40,730 --> 00:13:42,270
It took him like a second
to nail me
307
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,610
as a two-point-fold guy.
308
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:46,820
Okay, okay.
309
00:13:46,820 --> 00:13:48,740
It's called book club,
not tie club.
310
00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:50,620
So, can we just--
- Dan, Dan, who am I?
311
00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:53,120
You look like
a two-point-fold man.
312
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:55,120
It's like he's in the room.
313
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:59,380
Maybe he'll introduce us
again to his weird brother.
314
00:14:00,380 --> 00:14:03,460
Hey, hey, hey, Dan, who am I?
315
00:14:03,460 --> 00:14:07,220
"Follow me to the dungeon
of toys."
316
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:12,810
Did you give
the brother a hunchback?
317
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,310
You said he was weird.
318
00:14:14,310 --> 00:14:17,390
Abby, there is such a thing
as punching down.
319
00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:23,270
Oh, look who's back.
320
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,440
Little Miss Goody Two-Lungs.
321
00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:29,450
You got me all wrong,
Virginia Slim.
322
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:32,950
I'm here to congratulate you.
You've won.
323
00:14:32,950 --> 00:14:36,580
Oh, does that mean I'm free
to smoke about the cabin?
324
00:14:37,540 --> 00:14:39,330
After you hear what
my friend Wyatt has to say,
325
00:14:39,330 --> 00:14:40,750
I don't think you'll want to.
326
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,460
Oh, this guy's gonna
get me to quit smoking?
327
00:14:44,460 --> 00:14:47,550
I have a special talent
for ruining things people love.
328
00:14:47,550 --> 00:14:50,430
Case in point--
do you like Tom Cruise's smile?
329
00:14:50,430 --> 00:14:52,180
Of course. Who doesn't?
330
00:14:52,180 --> 00:14:55,140
What if I told you something
about it that you can't unsee?
331
00:14:55,140 --> 00:14:58,480
Tom Cruise's two front teeth
aren't underneath his nose.
332
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,860
They're shifted left--
way left.
333
00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:04,860
No, that can't be.
334
00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:06,530
But it is.
335
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:10,860
His teeth should start here,
but they start here.
336
00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:15,490
Oh, Wyatt.
Such a good guy.
337
00:15:15,490 --> 00:15:17,700
Must be exhausting,
always doing the right thing.
338
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:21,630
Don't you ever feel
like you... need a break?
339
00:15:22,790 --> 00:15:24,080
I don't smoke.
340
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:25,960
Anymore.
341
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,210
But I saw the spark in your eye
342
00:15:28,210 --> 00:15:29,880
when you looked
at this cigarette.
343
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:34,050
For one brief, fleeting moment,
where did you go?
344
00:15:34,050 --> 00:15:36,390
Was it a semester abroad?
345
00:15:36,390 --> 00:15:38,810
Paris? Madrid?
346
00:15:39,850 --> 00:15:42,310
It was one hot summer
in Montreal.
347
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:46,610
I didn't speak French, but
when Jacqueline took my hand,
348
00:15:46,610 --> 00:15:49,490
everything made sense.
349
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:54,740
Montreal is waiting...
just outside that window.
350
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:58,330
Goodbye in French, Gurgs.
351
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:04,000
Looks like you brought
Tom Cruise's teeth
352
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,960
to a cigarette fight.
353
00:16:10,130 --> 00:16:11,760
I got to tell you,
there are so many people
354
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,380
with squeaky chairs out there,
355
00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:15,760
we could start our
own repair business.
356
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:16,800
Yeah.
357
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:19,260
We could call it
Fielding and S--
358
00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:21,100
Jake.
359
00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:22,850
Hey, well, listen.
There'll be a lot of time
360
00:16:22,850 --> 00:16:24,770
to think about names
tomorrow at the Yankee game.
361
00:16:24,770 --> 00:16:26,650
Wait. You're taking him
to the Yankee game?
362
00:16:26,650 --> 00:16:29,270
Yeah. Dan got us tickets.
It's bobblehead night.
363
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,610
Whoa!
364
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:32,780
Bobblehead night?
365
00:16:32,780 --> 00:16:34,450
You've told me multiple times
366
00:16:34,450 --> 00:16:37,370
that promotional items
cheapen the experience.
367
00:16:37,370 --> 00:16:40,790
Ah, I just realized I got to
reschedule an HR meeting.
368
00:16:40,790 --> 00:16:42,580
If you can believe it,
a couple things went wrong
369
00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:45,420
on the Health Department
booze cruise.
370
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:48,840
Oh. Excuse me.
371
00:16:50,170 --> 00:16:52,300
First tie shopping
and now a Yankee game?
372
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:54,970
I mean, don't you think
you're moving a little fast?
373
00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:57,510
- Don't be jealous.
- Why would I be jealous?
374
00:16:57,510 --> 00:16:59,470
I'm the one who made
this whole relationship happen.
375
00:16:59,470 --> 00:17:01,850
Maybe you're giving yourself
a little too much credit here.
376
00:17:01,850 --> 00:17:03,980
I mean, Jake and I
have a lot in common.
377
00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:07,190
Oh, really? You think you have
a lot in common?
378
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:11,440
Did you know
that Jake is one of those people
379
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,030
that claps when the plane lands?
380
00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:18,160
I forget, is that the sort
of thing that annoys you?
381
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,580
Used to, but landing a plane
in one piece these days
382
00:17:20,580 --> 00:17:22,910
is an accomplishment.
383
00:17:22,910 --> 00:17:26,620
How about this?
He cries during movies,
384
00:17:26,620 --> 00:17:29,790
even ones that aren't
about sports.
385
00:17:29,790 --> 00:17:33,550
I cry at movies that are not
about sports wars or dogs
386
00:17:33,550 --> 00:17:37,380
and every now
and then a noble horse.
387
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,180
Okay, fine, Dan.
You've made your point.
388
00:17:39,180 --> 00:17:40,970
He's your favorite,
and you like him better.
389
00:17:40,970 --> 00:17:42,600
I'm just gonna find
a new group to hang out with.
390
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,730
Don't go.
They were onto Yellow Glasses.
391
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:47,770
She will kill you
to cover it up.
392
00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:51,520
Hello, Yellow Glasses,
Hat Guy, Big Cup,
393
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:53,690
Snacky Jackie.
394
00:17:53,690 --> 00:17:56,150
Fun icebreaker--
Canada has been attacked
395
00:17:56,150 --> 00:17:57,610
by an aggressive foreign power.
396
00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:59,570
Do you volunteer to fight?
397
00:18:00,450 --> 00:18:01,910
Guys, Gurgs just told me.
398
00:18:01,910 --> 00:18:03,870
The paternity test results
are in.
399
00:18:03,870 --> 00:18:05,000
I called it!
400
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,960
They really were waiting
on DNA results.
401
00:18:09,170 --> 00:18:11,540
I told you, Angry Beard
and Surf's Up Hair
402
00:18:11,540 --> 00:18:13,800
were father and son.
403
00:18:19,930 --> 00:18:21,300
Huh.
404
00:18:22,140 --> 00:18:24,520
- You're not--
- In no way, are we.
405
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,020
No.
406
00:18:26,020 --> 00:18:28,600
Just two unrelated men
who went tie shopping
407
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,650
and shared an ice cream.
408
00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:36,070
I'm sorry. I know this wasn't
the answer you were looking for.
409
00:18:36,070 --> 00:18:38,570
Oh, it's okay.
410
00:18:38,570 --> 00:18:41,280
You know, we--
we knew it was a long shot.
411
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:44,410
It was an honor fixing
a chair with you.
412
00:18:44,410 --> 00:18:45,950
Yes.
413
00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:48,580
If you ever need any tie
advice, feel free to call.
414
00:18:48,580 --> 00:18:49,670
I'd like that.
415
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:51,080
And not to get too sappy,
416
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,340
but I hope
if I ever meet my real dad,
417
00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:55,630
it's as easy as it was with you.
418
00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:02,600
Just thinking
of a noble horse.
419
00:19:04,430 --> 00:19:06,930
- You sure you're okay?
- Yeah.
420
00:19:06,930 --> 00:19:10,140
Now I can hold out hope
that my real dad is Tom Selleck.
421
00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:13,020
Another silver lining--
now, we don't have to worry
422
00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:16,110
about your dad walking in when
we're doing stuff on the couch.
423
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,910
And what would he see?
You two holding hands?
424
00:19:22,490 --> 00:19:23,700
Are you guys smoking
out there?
425
00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:27,660
No, time traveling
to Montreal.
426
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:30,330
Don't worry, Judge,
I came up with a way
427
00:19:30,330 --> 00:19:32,790
to shut down their smoker's
lounge once and for all.
428
00:19:32,790 --> 00:19:35,920
Oh, no need.
I don't smoke these things.
429
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,460
I was out there eavesdropping
to get an advantage in court.
430
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,890
But you people
never talk about work.
431
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,050
She doesn't speak for me.
432
00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:45,970
I'm going to stay out
here forever.
433
00:19:46,930 --> 00:19:49,020
I hope you enjoy it, because
I put a bunch of birdseed
434
00:19:49,020 --> 00:19:50,930
on the fire escape
one floor up.
435
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,110
Oh, no.
436
00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:57,860
Hey, Gurgs!
Gurgs, open the window.
437
00:19:57,860 --> 00:19:59,990
I don't want to smoke anymore.
438
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:02,360
I don't want to be in Montreal.
439
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,780
USA! USA!
440
00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:09,250
USA! USA!
USA! USA!
441
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:18,750
Is this seat taken?
442
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,800
Um, I was saving it
for my nachos.
443
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:24,140
But the nacho guy seems
to be neglecting this section!
444
00:20:25,090 --> 00:20:27,140
Thought I might find you
here.
445
00:20:27,930 --> 00:20:32,140
You know, I liked it
more than I thought I would.
446
00:20:32,140 --> 00:20:34,520
The idea of being a dad.
447
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,190
I'm not surprised.
448
00:20:36,190 --> 00:20:38,020
You tend to like the things
you're good at.
449
00:20:38,020 --> 00:20:39,610
Mm.
450
00:20:41,530 --> 00:20:44,030
I'm sorry for the way
I acted at book club.
451
00:20:44,030 --> 00:20:47,490
It's just you're
really important to me.
452
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,200
Yeah. You're really important
to me, too.
453
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,830
Um...
454
00:20:52,830 --> 00:20:55,250
{\an8}more than you know.
455
00:20:55,250 --> 00:20:57,920
{\an8}It's funny,
thinking that at my age,
456
00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:00,920
{\an8}you could still learn
something new about yourself.
457
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,130
{\an8}I love that.
458
00:21:03,130 --> 00:21:06,220
{\an8}You got to be receptive
to new possibilities.
459
00:21:06,220 --> 00:21:07,390
{\an8}Look forward.
460
00:21:07,390 --> 00:21:09,100
{\an8}Oh!
461
00:21:10,350 --> 00:21:12,060
{\an8}Mother
462
00:21:12,060 --> 00:21:14,350
{\an8}Nacho guy's back!
Nachos!
463
00:21:14,350 --> 00:21:16,190
{\an8}Ice cream guy comes by,
I'll get you a popsicle
464
00:21:16,190 --> 00:21:17,850
{\an8}for that swelling.
465
00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:20,150
{\an8}Oh, look,
you're on the big screen.
466
00:21:24,490 --> 00:21:25,110
{\an8}It's funny.
34698
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