All language subtitles for Night Court s03e02 The Judges Boyfriends Dad 2.eng

- Previously on "Night Court"...

- I can't believe Dan might be
your boyfriend's dad.

- We're not even positive
they are father and son.

- We can trick those guys
into a paternity test, easy.

I'm always looking for a reason
to steal DNA. [ Chuckles ]

- No one's stealing any DNA.

We could get the answer
in a normal way.

Didn't you date a lawyer
who worked at night court

right around the time
you were pregnant with Jake?

- There was a lawyer...

and a judge.

- Was it a night court judge?

- And a magician.

- Okay. I'm in.
Let's get their DNA.

And just for fun,
here's mine, too.

- Everybody here thinks

that you're the judge's
boyfriend's dad.

- You think what?

- So, there you have it.

Dan, you might be Jake's dad.

The answer is right here
in this envelope.

- It's a lot to process.

- Yeah.

- Wow!
You two even stress the same.

So, which one of you
wants to open it?

- [ Clears throat ]

- There is also a third option.

- I open it and read the results
like a '90s talk show.

It's always been my dream to be
this generation's Maury Povich.

And not just because I think
Connie Chung can still get it.

- Big day for all of us.

I'm going to journal
about this so hard

the neighbors
are going to complain.

- He can't be my son.

I had a vasectomy in 1987.

Although, you know,
that medical staff

may have had it out for me.

I had this great joke about them
not accepting tips.

Not even one courtesy laugh.

- [ Laughs ]

Oh, my first maybe-dad joke.

- Come on,
just open the envelope.

- Dan, Jake is...

not your daughter.

- What?
Let me see that.

They must have screwed up
and tested my hair

against Dan's DNA.

- Why did they have your hair?

Did you think
Dan was your dad, too?

- Nope. Worse.

I thought you were my brother.

But good news!
You're not.

- That's too bad.

That would have given
you two a bit of an edge.

- I can take your samples
down to the crime lab

and have the results
in 48 hours.

"Will solve a brutal murder.

Parentheses. Pretty white lady.
Whole life ahead of her."

- Fantastic.
- This is fantastic.

?

- So, possible big relationship
on the horizon for two people

who are very special to me.
[ Squeak ]

- Hold on.
I hear a squeak.

I don't know if it's you
or my chair.

[ Squeak ]

Damn it, it's the chair.

- I wish my voice could go
that low.

Anyway, I thought you might
want to talk it out with someone

who knows a thing
or two about fatherhood.

- Wyatt?
I'll ask his advice

when I'm looking for
a fitted tee.

- You know,
I remember when I found out

I was going to be a dad.

It's a lot, but 90%
is just showing up.

Though, you're just
showing up now,

so your percentages
will be different.

Let's say 30% showing up,
20% life lessons, 17% holidays.

Is Jake Jewish? Because
their Christmas is like 11 days.

I'll have to rerun the numbers.

- Wyatt, thank you so much
for that pep talk.

It was 100% useless.

- So, when you say, "I got this,"
that just means nothing?

- Hey, Mommy Longlegs.

Word on the street
is you've been smoking

on the judge's fire escape.

- Oh, because I'm an ex-con,

you assume that I'm breaking
the rules around here?

That is an outrageous
accusation.

- So, this ashtray
sculpted by a woman

venting her sexual frustration
through clay

that says "Made in Rikers"
isn't yours?

- You got me.

I also channeled my prison heat
into some very phallic vases.

- Well, knock off the smoking.

You don't get a pass
just 'cause you're new.

- Fine. I'll stop.

- I don't believe you.
- You got me again. You're good.

- First up,
the People vs. Bree McKee,

who is charged
with destruction of property

at the Times Square Duane Reade.

- Rather than wait for an
employee to open a locked case,

Miss McKee smashed through it

with a walker
from the mobility aids aisle.

- I'm not seeing a statement
from anyone who works there.

- We're still
not sure anyone does.

These drug stores
inexplicably put more things

behind unbreakable glass
than museums.

You know, it's easier
to steal a Rembrandt

than to buy foot powder?

- I needed a pregnancy test.

And if the condoms
weren't locked up last time,

I wouldn't even be
here right now.

- So, you might be pregnant.

No wonder she's upset.

She's moments away
from finding out

if her life is going to change
forever,

and she's told she has to wait.

What if she's not ready
to have a kid?

Not everybody is cut out
to be a parent, you know?

Damn! She's 70.

She likes her life
the way it is.

- Imagine
how much worse it'd be

if I hadn't given him
that pep talk.

- Okay, I'm gonna let you off
with a warning,

because in nine months,
you may be doing hard labor.

Hey-o!

Five-minute recess.

- You don't need to take
that test.

I can tell you're pregnant
by the shape of your face.

- Oh, look, Jake's here
with a face full of hope.

Dan's gonna hate that.

- I got this.
- No.

Hey.
What you got there?

- Well, since Dan
might be my dad,

I thought it'd be fun
if I showed him

some of my childhood memories.

There's also a baseball
in there,

in case he wants
to have a catch.

[ Chair squeaking ]

- Why are you doing this to me?!

- You know, I think a box
full of tender memories

might be a lot much for Dan
right--

and you're already going.

- Hey, Dan.
- Oh. Hey, Jake.

Nice weather we're having
here in the courtroom today.

- I was thinking the two of us
could go through this box--

- Oh, Jake.

Dan doesn't want to look
through a box of my old stuff.

Right?

- What's with all the crap?

- Just a bunch of my junk.

Got a recorder,

pages from
a Victoria's Secret catalog.

Hubba, hubba.

- You probably thought
if those pictures

were a big part
of your sexual awakening,

your dad would want
to know about it.

Oh, hey, there's a baseball
in here.

Hmm. Does anyone
want to have a catch?

- Um, you know what?

I'm just going to help
Abby get rid of this crap.

Right.

- Stupid, stupid.

Should have brought my mitt.

- I know Dan will love Jake
if he just gets to know him.

So, I made a few hundred
flashcards with icebreakers

to get the conversation popping.

- "Describe your perfect day."

"What song would pull you
out of a coma?"

"Canada has been attacked
by an aggressive foreign army.

Do you volunteer to fight?"

- Great questions, Wyatt.

My answers are Christmas,

"Tubthumping,"

and "Oh, yeah,
you bet I'll fight, eh."

- Judge,
this isn't going to work.

Fathers and sons
don't have conversations.

There's too much risk.

You might say something
you actually mean.

You need a project.

My dad and I restored
an entire 1967 Mustang

and didn't make
eye contact once.

I've never felt more loved.

- Judge,
we're ready to start court.

- Hey, Gurgs, what kind of
things do you do with your dad?

- My dad and I
have a family band

that plays small clubs upstate.

Have you ever heard
of Simon and Gurgfunkel?

Because those were our rivals.

You go ahead.

I'll be right there.

- Oh, did you mean
this fire escape?

- Come in here right now,

or I'll make you eat
that cigarette like a hot dog.

- Oh, fine.

This will be my last one.

You might want to get
comfortable.

- Judge, we have a problem.

You know that defendant
who was accused of trespassing

in the women's changing room
in Bally's Total Fitness?

- The guy
who's pleading it's fine

because he thought
he was invisible?

- Yeah, well,
he's completely disappeared.

- But I'm on it. I got the police
sketch artist to draw this.

Sorry. This.

- Gurgs, don't be silly.
People can't turn invisible.

- Oh, no.
He got away again.

And he stole my protein bar!

Oh, no. Wait. It's here.

- Hey, I got your text.

Oh. Excuse me.

You said you needed to see me
about a couple's emergency?

- Hey, you said
there's some guy here

just giving away paninis?

- You know what?

A liar must have stolen
my phone.

But since you both are here,

Dan's been having
a horrible squeak in his chair.

Jake, maybe you can help
him fix it?

You are a bit of a chair expert.

- I don't know about expert.

I put my butt in a chair,
one cheek at a time,

just like everybody else.

- You're welcome to try.

Just know that I show my
gratitude without money.

- Whoa, Dan, this is a classic.

Oh, a custom
mid-century Eames lounger

with convertible armrests?

Oh, what a beaut.

- She's a rescue.

She'd been living
in squalid conditions.

She was in a man cave...
under a dartboard.

- Some people shouldn't
be allowed to have chairs.

- Fully pneumatic lift.

- Did you double
the lumbar support?

- Baby, it's not even
street legal.

- Nice work,
finding their thing.

[ Chair squeaks ]

- I hate to see her like this.

- Well, you know,
if I had some tools,

we could pop the seat and
see what you're working with.

- Hey, Wyatt, do you think
we could just

get rid of this old toolbox?

I mean,
no one's ever going to use it.

- Nope. We'll use them.
Yeah.

- They're sharing tools.

They're rolling up
their sleeves.

I got to call my dad.

?

- Well, that should do it.

Let's wipe her down
and take her for a ride.

- Any hardworking boys
hungry for paninis?

I'm setting feminism way back.

- I know that you
set all of this up,

but even your enjoyment
doesn't ruin it for me.

Jake's a good kid.
- Oh, it's happening!

- Okay, you could enjoy it
a little less.

- I'm just so happy you two
are hitting it off.

Oh, hey, don't forget
we have book club tonight.

- Hey, you two are
in a book club?

- Oh, no,
we're not in a book club.

We watch a book club
and mock it.

- Every month,
a super random group of people

meets in the cafeteria,

and we make up stories
about their lives.

- She gives them
hopes and dreams.

I give them creepy fetishes.

Hey, you should come.

- Oh, you're inviting Jake?
- Huh?

- To our thing?
- I don't want to overstep

if it's, uh, you know,
your thing.

- No, no, no,
it's not our thing.

It's just a thing
we do together.

- After we tried dozens of other
things that you walked out on.

But, yeah, it's totally...

It's totally fine if Jake comes.

What kind of nutjob would say,
"The less, the merrier," right?

- Are you really okay
with that?

Because I'm sensing some
"big sister getting jealous

of the new baby" energy.

- No, I am happy for them.

I am in no way threatened
by his relationship with Jake.

We're not children.

- Whee!

- I already know
how to ride a chair.

- [ Laughs ]
Oh, God. That's hilarious.

Alright, now,
you tell a joke.

- Where have you been?

I've been watching
these weirdos alone

like a weirdo.

- Sorry.
Dan took me tie shopping.

Did you know that 80% of men
are wearing the wrong size tie?

Dan thinks that might be
the source of my back problems.

- You went tie shopping
without me?

I would have loved that.

I've always in the market
for a lady's wide.

- Abby, I told you, my guy
doesn't do menswear for women.

He's confounded by breasts.

- Jake, let me get you up
to speed on book club.

You see that lady
with the big cup?

We call her Big Cup.

She likes to drink a lot,

but the one thing
she can't swallow is the truth.

- And the one in the yellow
glasses, we call Yellow Glasses.

My going theory is
that she's pulling

a "Talented Mr. Ripley"
long con.

[ Whispering ] She murdered
someone in Italy.

- Now you see that guy
with the hat?

We call him--
- Hat Guy?

- [ Normal voice ] Quick study.

- You know,
who's a really quick study

was that pocket square
sommelier at the tie store.

- It took him like a second
to nail me

as a two-point-fold guy.

- Okay, okay.

It's called book club,
not tie club.

So, can we just--
- Dan, Dan, who am I?

[ British accent ] You look like
a two-point-fold man.

- It's like he's in the room.

Maybe he'll introduce us
again to his weird brother.

- Hey, hey, hey, Dan, who am I?

"Follow me to the dungeon
of toys."

- [ Normal voice ] Did you give
the brother a hunchback?

- You said he was weird.

- Abby, there is such a thing
as punching down.

- Oh, look who's back.

Little Miss Goody Two-Lungs.

- You got me all wrong,
Virginia Slim.

I'm here to congratulate you.
You've won.

- Oh, does that mean I'm free
to smoke about the cabin?

- After you hear what
my friend Wyatt has to say,

I don't think you'll want to.

- [ Laughs ]

Oh, this guy's gonna
get me to quit smoking?

- I have a special talent
for ruining things people love.

Case in point--
do you like Tom Cruise's smile?

- Of course. Who doesn't?

- What if I told you something
about it that you can't unsee?

Tom Cruise's two front teeth
aren't underneath his nose.

They're shifted left--
way left.

- No, that can't be.

- But it is.

- His teeth should start here,
but they start here.

- Oh, Wyatt.
Such a good guy.

Must be exhausting,
always doing the right thing.

Don't you ever feel
like you... need a break?

- I don't smoke.

- Anymore.

But I saw the spark in your eye

when you looked
at this cigarette.

For one brief, fleeting moment,
where did you go?

Was it a semester abroad?

Paris? Madrid?

- It was one hot summer
in Montreal.

I didn't speak French, but
when Jacqueline took my hand,

everything made sense.

- Montreal is waiting...
just outside that window.

- Goodbye in French, Gurgs.

- Looks like you brought
Tom Cruise's teeth

to a cigarette fight.

- I got to tell you,
there are so many people

with squeaky chairs out there,

we could start our
own repair business.

- Yeah.

We could call it
Fielding and S--

Jake.

- Hey, well, listen.
There'll be a lot of time

to think about names
tomorrow at the Yankee game.

- Wait. You're taking him
to the Yankee game?

- Yeah. Dan got us tickets.
It's bobblehead night.

- Whoa!

- Bobblehead night?

You've told me multiple times

that promotional items
cheapen the experience.

- Ah, I just realized I got to
reschedule an HR meeting.

If you can believe it,
a couple things went wrong

on the Health Department
booze cruise.

Oh. Excuse me.

- First tie shopping
and now a Yankee game?

I mean, don't you think
you're moving a little fast?

- Don't be jealous.
- Why would I be jealous?

I'm the one who made
this whole relationship happen.

- Maybe you're giving yourself
a little too much credit here.

I mean, Jake and I
have a lot in common.

- Oh, really? You think you have
a lot in common?

Did you know
that Jake is one of those people

that claps when the plane lands?

I forget, is that the sort
of thing that annoys you?

- Used to, but landing a plane
in one piece these days

is an accomplishment.

- How about this?
He cries during movies,

even ones that aren't
about sports.

- I cry at movies that are not
about sports wars or dogs

and every now
and then a noble horse.

- Okay, fine, Dan.
You've made your point.

He's your favorite,
and you like him better.

I'm just gonna find
a new group to hang out with.

- Don't go.
They were onto Yellow Glasses.

She will kill you
to cover it up.

- Hello, Yellow Glasses,
Hat Guy, Big Cup,

Snacky Jackie.

Fun icebreaker--
Canada has been attacked

by an aggressive foreign power.

Do you volunteer to fight?

- Guys, Gurgs just told me.

The paternity test results
are in.

- I called it!

They really were waiting
on DNA results.

I told you, Angry Beard
and Surf's Up Hair

were father and son.

- Huh.

- You're not--
- In no way, are we.

- No.

Just two unrelated men
who went tie shopping

and shared an ice cream.

- I'm sorry. I know this wasn't
the answer you were looking for.

- Oh, it's okay.

You know, we--
we knew it was a long shot.

It was an honor fixing
a chair with you.

- Yes.

If you ever need any tie
advice, feel free to call.

- I'd like that.

And not to get too sappy,

but I hope
if I ever meet my real dad,

it's as easy as it was with you.

- [ Clears throat ]

Just thinking
of a noble horse.

- You sure you're okay?
- Yeah.

Now I can hold out hope
that my real dad is Tom Selleck.

- Another silver lining--
now, we don't have to worry

about your dad walking in when
we're doing stuff on the couch.

- And what would he see?
You two holding hands?

- Are you guys smoking
out there?

- No, time traveling
to Montreal.

- Don't worry, Judge,
I came up with a way

to shut down their smoker's
lounge once and for all.

- Oh, no need.
I don't smoke these things.

I was out there eavesdropping
to get an advantage in court.

But you people
never talk about work.

- She doesn't speak for me.

I'm going to stay out
here forever.

- I hope you enjoy it, because
I put a bunch of birdseed

on the fire escape
one floor up.

[ Wings flap, pigeons coo ]

- Oh, no.

Hey, Gurgs!
Gurgs, open the window.

I don't want to smoke anymore.

I don't want to be in Montreal.

USA! USA!

[ Chanting ] USA! USA!
USA! USA!

- Is this seat taken?

- Um, I was saving it
for my nachos.

But the nacho guy seems
to be neglecting this section!

- Thought I might find you
here.

- You know, I liked it
more than I thought I would.

The idea of being a dad.

- I'm not surprised.

You tend to like the things
you're good at.

- Mm.

- I'm sorry for the way
I acted at book club.

It's just you're
really important to me.

- Yeah. You're really important
to me, too.

Um...

more than you know.

It's funny,
thinking that at my age,

you could still learn
something new about yourself.

- I love that.

You got to be receptive
to new possibilities.

Look forward.

Oh!

Mother [bleep]

- Nacho guy's back!
Nachos!

Ice cream guy comes by,
I'll get you a popsicle

for that swelling.

Oh, look,
you're on the big screen.

- It's funny.

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