All language subtitles for Father Ted - S02E03 - Tentacles of Doom

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,956 --> 00:00:11,424 God, I'm not reading that book any more. 2 00:00:11,516 --> 00:00:13,471 It's very scary altogether, Ted. 3 00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:16,149 - Ted? - Yes, what? 4 00:00:16,235 --> 00:00:18,191 Did you ever see a ghost? 5 00:00:19,715 --> 00:00:22,592 Well, I'll tell you something that happened to me once. 6 00:00:22,674 --> 00:00:27,190 It was years ago. I was staying with my great aunt in Connemara. 7 00:00:27,274 --> 00:00:29,707 It was a big house, miles from anywhere. 8 00:00:29,793 --> 00:00:31,306 During the Great Famine, 9 00:00:31,393 --> 00:00:34,863 a cruel landlord and his beautiful daughter lived there. 10 00:00:34,953 --> 00:00:39,309 The story is he forbade the daughter from marrying a young soldier. 11 00:00:39,392 --> 00:00:44,147 It broke her heart. In her despair, she hung herself in her bedroom. 12 00:00:44,232 --> 00:00:47,667 The room that I was staying in was that very bedroom. 13 00:00:47,751 --> 00:00:50,424 I remember it was icy cold... 14 00:00:50,511 --> 00:00:52,820 lit by a single candle. 15 00:00:52,911 --> 00:00:55,708 I was drifting off to sleep when suddenly, 16 00:00:55,790 --> 00:00:58,145 I heard a strange creaking noise. 17 00:00:58,230 --> 00:01:00,619 - Was it a ghost? - No. 18 00:01:01,709 --> 00:01:03,700 So, no, I've never seen a ghost. 19 00:01:08,229 --> 00:01:11,538 - I saw one. - Really? 20 00:01:11,628 --> 00:01:15,337 Yes. It was a man all dressed in black. 21 00:01:15,428 --> 00:01:17,658 I came down one night for a glass of milk 22 00:01:17,748 --> 00:01:21,706 and he was just sitting there in front of the TV just there. 23 00:01:21,787 --> 00:01:26,940 He had this strange grey hair, even though he wasn't very old... 24 00:01:27,026 --> 00:01:30,735 Dougal, Dougal. Could this have been me at all? 25 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,700 Ahh, right! 26 00:01:56,943 --> 00:01:58,853 (Helicopter) 27 00:02:03,182 --> 00:02:04,217 (Crash) 28 00:02:10,981 --> 00:02:12,937 Right, that should do it. 29 00:02:16,580 --> 00:02:18,536 For pity's sake. 30 00:02:23,179 --> 00:02:25,170 (Toilet flushes) 31 00:02:29,299 --> 00:02:31,254 That's working now, Ted. 32 00:02:33,858 --> 00:02:35,416 It's broken again! 33 00:02:37,498 --> 00:02:40,136 Maybe it only works when my head is in it! 34 00:02:40,217 --> 00:02:42,651 Ted, we should call the plumber. 35 00:02:42,737 --> 00:02:44,568 No, don't get them involved. 36 00:02:44,657 --> 00:02:47,693 I'd be too embarrassed to tell them how I broke it - 37 00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:50,131 trying to give it an extra hard flush. 38 00:02:52,376 --> 00:02:55,208 Well, now, Ted, I have to say it was fine for me - 39 00:02:55,295 --> 00:02:57,092 it was a good powerful flush. 40 00:02:57,175 --> 00:03:00,850 I was thinking more about Jack. You know when he's involved. 41 00:03:00,935 --> 00:03:04,813 You want to get that stuff away as fast and as hard as possible. 42 00:03:04,894 --> 00:03:09,524 Best thing would be to have it pop up somewhere in Sierra Leone! 43 00:03:09,614 --> 00:03:11,206 Oh, you're right there, Ted. 44 00:03:11,294 --> 00:03:13,887 A-ha. A-ha! 45 00:03:15,853 --> 00:03:19,129 I thought Jack had stashed something in here! 46 00:03:20,252 --> 00:03:22,208 Ok, let's try it now. 47 00:03:22,652 --> 00:03:24,643 (Powerful flush) 48 00:03:38,930 --> 00:03:40,249 Girls! 49 00:03:42,970 --> 00:03:45,881 - Bloody hell! - Good news, Ted? 50 00:03:45,969 --> 00:03:49,678 No. Very, very bad news. 51 00:03:49,769 --> 00:03:51,918 It's the Holy Stone of Clonrichert. 52 00:03:52,008 --> 00:03:54,363 They're upgrading it to a Class II relic. 53 00:03:54,448 --> 00:03:57,087 - Great! - No, it's not great. 54 00:03:57,168 --> 00:04:01,046 They'll send over a few bishops and we'll have to behave! 55 00:04:01,127 --> 00:04:04,961 I thought there was something up. Wasn't someone cured there? 56 00:04:05,047 --> 00:04:08,595 No, someone was LURED there. 57 00:04:08,686 --> 00:04:12,395 Paddy Short. And then those fellas beat him with sticks. 58 00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:15,842 - That was it, yeah. - The Holy Stone. 59 00:04:17,165 --> 00:04:19,520 (Ted) It must be holier than we thought. 60 00:04:19,605 --> 00:04:23,883 Perhaps it's that fella from England. He touched it and he grew a beard. 61 00:04:23,965 --> 00:04:26,876 Weird. That'd be enough to upgrade it to a Class I. 62 00:04:26,964 --> 00:04:28,920 Oh, Class I would be very rare. 63 00:04:29,004 --> 00:04:31,677 That'd be bringing people back to life... 64 00:04:31,764 --> 00:04:35,199 time travel, cloning dinosaurs... 65 00:04:35,283 --> 00:04:36,602 Very rare. 66 00:04:36,683 --> 00:04:40,232 There's millions of relics. How do they know which ones to do? 67 00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:43,519 Well, they have to think about the history of the relic, 68 00:04:43,602 --> 00:04:46,241 how many miracles can be attributed to it. 69 00:04:46,322 --> 00:04:48,676 All sorts of considerations go into it. 70 00:04:51,601 --> 00:04:54,434 What about the Holy Stone of Clonrichert? 71 00:04:54,521 --> 00:04:55,749 Whatever. 72 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,359 Ah, come on, cheer up. It may never happen. 73 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:06,876 - It IS happening! They're coming. - Oh, right. Well, who cares, anyway? 74 00:05:06,959 --> 00:05:10,747 They strip the wallpaper, fumigate the place and they're gone. 75 00:05:10,839 --> 00:05:12,795 What's so bad about that? 76 00:05:15,078 --> 00:05:16,955 Dougal, they're bishops! 77 00:05:18,238 --> 00:05:19,990 Oh, right, yes. 78 00:05:21,317 --> 00:05:24,514 What is this confusion you have about bishops? 79 00:05:24,597 --> 00:05:27,475 Do you understand what they actually do? 80 00:05:27,557 --> 00:05:30,514 Nothing to do with fumigating houses at all. 81 00:05:30,596 --> 00:05:31,995 Have you got that? 82 00:05:32,076 --> 00:05:36,513 Got it. Anyway, let's play a game, get your mind off it. 83 00:05:36,596 --> 00:05:39,632 - Chess or Buckaroo? - Er... 84 00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:42,104 Actually, I wouldn't mind chess today. 85 00:05:42,195 --> 00:05:45,789 - Really? - Only joking. Buckaroo, of course. 86 00:05:48,794 --> 00:05:51,672 But only if you're ready for a good trashing. 87 00:05:51,754 --> 00:05:54,586 Dougal, you've never actually beaten me, ever. 88 00:05:54,673 --> 00:05:56,823 Oh, right, yeah. 89 00:05:57,913 --> 00:06:01,508 Still, eh? Buckaroo, the sport of kings(!) 90 00:06:03,032 --> 00:06:06,183 It won't be so bad. The bishops will have a look around, 91 00:06:06,272 --> 00:06:09,503 see we're a normal, everyday parish and go away. 92 00:06:09,592 --> 00:06:11,582 Nothing to worry about at all. 93 00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:36,859 So the ceremony's on Thursday and they're arriving tomorrow. 94 00:06:36,948 --> 00:06:40,020 - This is crucial. Listen to me. - All right, Ted. 95 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:44,066 These bishops are very important. I'll stay around you just in case. 96 00:06:44,147 --> 00:06:46,422 So you don't say anything you shouldn't. 97 00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,623 Like what? 98 00:06:48,707 --> 00:06:50,981 Like what you said to Bishop Lindsay 99 00:06:51,066 --> 00:06:54,183 when he asked me where I was when kennedy was shot. 100 00:06:54,266 --> 00:06:55,665 Oh, yeah. 101 00:06:55,746 --> 00:06:57,702 You overreacted slightly. 102 00:06:57,786 --> 00:07:00,140 He wasn't accusing me of anything. 103 00:07:03,025 --> 00:07:05,061 All right, so. 104 00:07:05,145 --> 00:07:09,376 Ted, do you know any of the bishops who are coming? What are they like? 105 00:07:09,464 --> 00:07:12,695 Bishop Facks is a good old pal of Father Larry Duff's. 106 00:07:12,784 --> 00:07:16,981 I'll ring Larry on his mobile. It's got an extra-loud bleep. 107 00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:19,291 Shh! 108 00:07:19,383 --> 00:07:21,533 (Drum roll) 109 00:07:26,622 --> 00:07:28,453 (Mobile rings) 110 00:07:28,542 --> 00:07:30,214 (Audience ) Ooh! 111 00:07:30,302 --> 00:07:32,053 (Ringing continues) 112 00:07:35,141 --> 00:07:39,019 God Almighty. Why does he have a mobile if he never picks it up? 113 00:07:40,180 --> 00:07:42,296 And we have the problem with Jack. 114 00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:45,258 Couldn't we just hide him for a couple of days? 115 00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:48,137 No, they'd hear him shouting "Girls!" 116 00:07:50,779 --> 00:07:55,057 We could train Jack to say something apart from "drink", "feck" or "girls" 117 00:07:55,138 --> 00:07:57,413 like the dog on That's Life. 118 00:07:59,738 --> 00:08:04,174 Dougal, Father Jack may be bad, but he's not a dog. 119 00:08:05,297 --> 00:08:07,094 (Scratching at door) 120 00:08:07,177 --> 00:08:10,089 There he is now. He probably wants to go out. 121 00:08:14,736 --> 00:08:16,886 Wait. 122 00:08:16,976 --> 00:08:20,126 Maybe we could teach him to say one or two things. 123 00:08:20,215 --> 00:08:23,730 Nothing too specific, a few all-purpose sentences. 124 00:08:23,815 --> 00:08:26,648 Like "That would be an ecumenical matter." 125 00:08:28,934 --> 00:08:32,051 Yes, any religious question can be answered by that. 126 00:08:32,134 --> 00:08:34,409 That's what I always say. 127 00:08:34,494 --> 00:08:37,246 That's the great thing about Catholicism. 128 00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:40,370 It's so vague, nobody knows what it's all about. 129 00:08:44,332 --> 00:08:46,846 I think it might work, Dougal. 130 00:08:46,932 --> 00:08:49,605 I know it'll work. It WILL work! 131 00:08:49,692 --> 00:08:52,251 It won't work, will it, Ted? 132 00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:56,119 It won't, no. But we have to try. 133 00:08:57,331 --> 00:09:00,083 We'll have a little elocution lesson... 134 00:09:00,170 --> 00:09:01,603 Drink! 135 00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:05,808 You can't say that when the bishops come here. 136 00:09:05,890 --> 00:09:07,846 - Feck! - Or that! 137 00:09:07,930 --> 00:09:13,003 - Girls! - Go back to "drink" for the moment. 138 00:09:13,089 --> 00:09:15,557 - Drink! - Have a look at this. 139 00:09:15,649 --> 00:09:19,402 Have a go at the first one. "That". 140 00:09:19,488 --> 00:09:20,762 Drink! 141 00:09:20,848 --> 00:09:22,247 No, "That". 142 00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:23,522 Drink! 143 00:09:23,608 --> 00:09:25,723 Come on, concentrate. "That". 144 00:09:25,807 --> 00:09:27,445 - Drink! - "That"! 145 00:09:27,527 --> 00:09:28,642 - Drink! - "That"! 146 00:09:28,727 --> 00:09:30,638 - Drink! - "That"! 147 00:09:30,727 --> 00:09:32,080 - Drink! - "That"! 148 00:09:32,167 --> 00:09:35,238 - Drink! - Now, come on, I know you can do it! 149 00:09:35,326 --> 00:09:37,078 There's a drink in it for you. 150 00:09:37,166 --> 00:09:40,203 - Drink? - Yes, I promise. Try again. 151 00:09:40,286 --> 00:09:43,197 - "That..." - Th-th-th-th... 152 00:09:43,285 --> 00:09:44,400 ..th-th-drink! 153 00:09:44,485 --> 00:09:46,680 Come on, you almost had it! "That"! 154 00:09:46,765 --> 00:09:49,403 Th-th-th-th-th-th... 155 00:09:49,484 --> 00:09:51,156 ..th-th-that! 156 00:09:51,244 --> 00:09:52,836 - Great! - THAT! 157 00:09:52,924 --> 00:09:56,360 Brilliant! And the next one - "That would..." 158 00:09:56,444 --> 00:09:58,274 That wou...ou... 159 00:09:58,363 --> 00:09:59,591 - Would... - Wou... 160 00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:01,435 Wou-ou-ou...drink! 161 00:10:07,802 --> 00:10:10,111 Mrs Doyle, you left the cooker on. 162 00:10:10,202 --> 00:10:13,113 All right, Father, I'll be there in a second. 163 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,990 Right, Father, everything's ready. 164 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,469 There's a big vat of tea steaming away 165 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:33,395 and I've arranged the Ferrero Rocher in a big triangular pile. 166 00:10:33,479 --> 00:10:37,869 Oh, I'm so excited - taking on three bishops all at once! 167 00:10:37,958 --> 00:10:39,755 I can't wait! 168 00:10:39,838 --> 00:10:41,157 Right... 169 00:10:41,238 --> 00:10:44,913 I think this will be the greatest moment of my career. 170 00:10:44,998 --> 00:10:48,069 It's as if my whole life was leading up to... 171 00:10:48,157 --> 00:10:51,194 Mrs Doyle! I'm over here! 172 00:10:52,517 --> 00:10:54,427 - Oh, so you are. - Mrs Doyle... 173 00:10:54,516 --> 00:10:56,427 Ahhhh! 174 00:10:56,516 --> 00:10:59,667 Mrs Doyle, have you got your contacts in? 175 00:10:59,756 --> 00:11:02,986 No. A dog ran off with them! 176 00:11:04,275 --> 00:11:07,108 I suppose now I'll have to wear the glasses. 177 00:11:07,195 --> 00:11:09,311 I don't like wearing them, Father. 178 00:11:09,395 --> 00:11:12,466 I feel they make me look like a frustrated old bag! 179 00:11:12,554 --> 00:11:16,342 Oh, I can't imagine that. I imagine they look absolutely... 180 00:11:16,474 --> 00:11:17,906 Rahhhhh! 181 00:11:19,313 --> 00:11:21,588 God, Father, are they that bad? 182 00:11:21,673 --> 00:11:26,871 No...no... It's just a scary film I was thinking of. 183 00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:28,943 They're fine, really. 184 00:11:29,032 --> 00:11:31,705 Great, well, that's much better. 185 00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:35,022 Um...I'll just go and check on the tea, so... 186 00:11:38,551 --> 00:11:41,190 - (Mrs Doyle ) Father? - Hmm? 187 00:11:41,271 --> 00:11:44,979 Father, I have absolutely no idea where the door is. 188 00:11:52,069 --> 00:11:54,708 No sign of 'em yet, Ted. 189 00:11:54,789 --> 00:11:56,745 (Ted) Dougal, er, Dougal... 190 00:11:56,829 --> 00:11:58,784 They're here. 191 00:12:02,828 --> 00:12:05,900 Sorry about that, Bishop O'Neill. You were saying? 192 00:12:05,988 --> 00:12:09,616 Yes. A simple ceremony. We'll just need a little incense. 193 00:12:09,707 --> 00:12:14,780 Incense? I don't know if we... Dougal, do we have any incense? 194 00:12:18,306 --> 00:12:21,218 There was a spider in the bath last night. 195 00:12:27,825 --> 00:12:31,863 No, Dougal, incense. In-cense. 196 00:12:31,944 --> 00:12:35,493 Oh, right, yes. No, I don't think so. 197 00:12:36,784 --> 00:12:40,298 Remember when we ran out of incense and used Windolene... 198 00:12:40,383 --> 00:12:42,180 Ahem! 199 00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:45,699 Well, I'm sure we can find some. 200 00:12:45,783 --> 00:12:49,821 So, are you doing much upgrading around the country? 201 00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:55,056 Last month, we elevated a mushroom field in Cavan to Class III! 202 00:12:55,141 --> 00:12:56,574 Great! 203 00:12:56,661 --> 00:12:58,970 Our work takes us all over the country. 204 00:12:59,061 --> 00:13:03,258 It gives us a chance to get in touch with the ordinary clergy - 205 00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:06,616 or the ground troops, as I call them. 206 00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:10,898 Yes. We're trying to organise a large meeting at the end of the year 207 00:13:10,980 --> 00:13:14,892 where all ranks of the clergy can discuss their views 208 00:13:14,979 --> 00:13:18,369 with representatives of the lay community. 209 00:13:18,459 --> 00:13:21,131 What do you think, Father Crilly? 210 00:13:23,378 --> 00:13:24,731 Sorry, what? 211 00:13:24,818 --> 00:13:30,289 Do you think a close relationship with the lay community is desirable, 212 00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:33,813 or should a certain distance be maintained? 213 00:13:35,257 --> 00:13:38,851 Yes, er...good question. 214 00:13:38,936 --> 00:13:45,044 Well, you know, I think we should... involve the lay community... 215 00:13:45,135 --> 00:13:48,093 but...keep them at a distance. 216 00:13:48,175 --> 00:13:49,574 How much of a distance? 217 00:13:49,655 --> 00:13:52,043 Couple of miles? 218 00:13:52,134 --> 00:13:56,173 Here we are now, tea for everyone. 219 00:14:01,813 --> 00:14:03,212 OOOHH! 220 00:14:03,293 --> 00:14:06,091 - Are you all right, Your Grace? - Yes, I... 221 00:14:06,173 --> 00:14:09,050 I had a minor heart attack last year. 222 00:14:09,132 --> 00:14:12,363 I have to take it easy. I got a bit of a fright there. 223 00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:14,090 (Ted) Right. 224 00:14:14,172 --> 00:14:15,651 It's not a problem. 225 00:14:15,732 --> 00:14:19,485 Just give us a warning when you're going to do anything sudden. 226 00:14:19,571 --> 00:14:23,086 - Arghhh! - Dougal, what are you doing?! 227 00:14:23,171 --> 00:14:27,960 Sorry, Ted. I just remembered Aliens is on after the news. 228 00:14:29,050 --> 00:14:30,642 Dougal, for God's sake! 229 00:14:30,730 --> 00:14:32,640 I'm sorry, Bishop Jordan. 230 00:14:32,729 --> 00:14:37,166 - Did you not hear what he said? - I know but it's the director's cut! 231 00:14:37,249 --> 00:14:38,921 Let's have a lads' night in... 232 00:14:39,009 --> 00:14:42,523 - Ooooh... - Dougal! Dougal, shut up! 233 00:14:42,608 --> 00:14:46,157 A heart attack? That's rare enough these days. 234 00:14:46,248 --> 00:14:49,478 - There were prayers said... - Why can't we look at Aliens? 235 00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:52,127 - Bishop O'Neill is speaking! - They'd love it! 236 00:14:52,207 --> 00:14:54,675 - They wouldn't! - Bishops love sci-fi. 237 00:14:54,767 --> 00:14:58,076 DOUGAL, WE ARE NOT WATCHING ALIENS! 238 00:15:02,246 --> 00:15:03,918 Anyway, back to religion. 239 00:15:08,005 --> 00:15:10,439 Do you see what I'm getting at? 240 00:15:10,525 --> 00:15:16,201 We must fight back against the anti-clerical bias of the media! 241 00:15:16,284 --> 00:15:17,637 Yes... 242 00:15:22,283 --> 00:15:23,762 Ferrero Rocher? 243 00:15:23,843 --> 00:15:28,155 Father Ted, with these Rocher you are really spoiling us. 244 00:15:32,762 --> 00:15:34,241 Mrs Doyle. 245 00:15:34,322 --> 00:15:35,641 Oh, right. 246 00:15:37,281 --> 00:15:38,919 Bishop, you were saying? 247 00:15:39,001 --> 00:15:43,392 I was saying we have to fight back against the media, 248 00:15:43,481 --> 00:15:45,869 we must make our voice heard! 249 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,871 Where is Father Hackett? 250 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:51,270 Mrs Doyle, could you get Father Hackett for us now? 251 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,396 Certainly, Father. 252 00:15:53,479 --> 00:15:56,152 I must say, they keep you on your feet. 253 00:15:56,239 --> 00:15:58,878 My housekeeper isn't the best, I'm afraid. 254 00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:03,395 Sometimes I think it's ME should be making the tea for HER! 255 00:16:10,037 --> 00:16:12,028 Mrs Doyle... 256 00:16:14,877 --> 00:16:16,196 (Ted) Mrs Doyle... 257 00:16:16,277 --> 00:16:18,232 "Making the tea for HER!" 258 00:16:24,916 --> 00:16:27,429 (Hysterical laughter continues) 259 00:16:27,515 --> 00:16:32,464 Sorry about that. Ah, here's Father Hackett now. 260 00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:38,307 He's been looking forward to your visit. Haven't you, Father? 261 00:16:38,394 --> 00:16:39,588 Yes! 262 00:16:39,674 --> 00:16:42,585 This is Bishop O'Neill. Don't get up! 263 00:16:43,833 --> 00:16:45,152 Yes! 264 00:16:45,233 --> 00:16:47,508 - This is Bishop Facks... - Yes! 265 00:16:47,593 --> 00:16:50,470 - This is Bishop Jordan... - Yes! 266 00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:53,828 They're looking after you, then, Father? 267 00:16:53,912 --> 00:16:55,345 That would be an ecum... 268 00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:57,388 - Ahem! - Yes! 269 00:16:59,391 --> 00:17:04,419 I was saying, I'm looking forward to discussing the social effects 270 00:17:04,511 --> 00:17:08,298 of some of the Church's thinking on issues of personal morality. 271 00:17:08,390 --> 00:17:10,620 (Whispers) Ecumenical... 272 00:17:10,710 --> 00:17:13,429 That would be an ecumenical matter! 273 00:17:13,510 --> 00:17:17,821 Yes, I... I suppose it would. 274 00:17:17,909 --> 00:17:20,662 - Good point, Father. - Yes! 275 00:17:20,749 --> 00:17:24,980 That's what we need - a more positive attitude, like Father Hackett's! 276 00:17:25,068 --> 00:17:26,626 What? 277 00:17:26,708 --> 00:17:30,587 I agree. I can see Father Hackett making a valuable contribution 278 00:17:30,668 --> 00:17:32,100 over the next few days. 279 00:17:32,187 --> 00:17:35,543 - Oh, God! - Yes! 280 00:17:38,547 --> 00:17:41,014 Heavenly Father, hear our prayer. 281 00:17:41,106 --> 00:17:45,622 We pray that this rock be upgraded to a Class II relic, 282 00:17:45,706 --> 00:17:48,777 and by the grace of God, bring healing 283 00:17:48,865 --> 00:17:52,778 to all those who pass within two and a half to three feet of it, 284 00:17:52,865 --> 00:17:54,776 at your discretion. 285 00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:58,220 And may all who are healed in such a way 286 00:17:58,304 --> 00:18:00,374 give glory to you, our Lord, 287 00:18:00,464 --> 00:18:04,456 through your earthly form of this Class II relic. 288 00:18:04,543 --> 00:18:06,135 - Amen. - Amen. 289 00:18:06,223 --> 00:18:08,612 Eamonn. 290 00:18:08,703 --> 00:18:13,093 I'm sorry for detaining you, Father. We'll catch up with the others. 291 00:18:13,182 --> 00:18:14,615 Yes! 292 00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:17,614 I so admire your positive attitude, Father. 293 00:18:17,702 --> 00:18:21,057 So many people are cynical about such things. 294 00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:23,530 You can hardly open a newspaper these days 295 00:18:23,621 --> 00:18:26,419 without reading some anti-clerical article 296 00:18:26,501 --> 00:18:28,968 - written by some bearded leftie! - Yes! 297 00:18:29,060 --> 00:18:31,654 A spell in the army would do them good! 298 00:18:31,740 --> 00:18:34,095 That would be an ecumenical matter. 299 00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:39,173 Oh, of course, Father! It's the media that's the real enemy, 300 00:18:39,259 --> 00:18:42,251 involving earthly, unspiritual pleasures! 301 00:18:42,339 --> 00:18:43,737 Temptation! 302 00:18:43,818 --> 00:18:46,616 Ecumenical! Yes! 303 00:18:47,698 --> 00:18:50,895 How right you are, Father! How right you are! 304 00:18:53,977 --> 00:18:59,847 So, Father, do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? 305 00:19:01,336 --> 00:19:03,292 Is your faith ever tested? 306 00:19:05,976 --> 00:19:09,285 Anything you've been worried about? 307 00:19:09,375 --> 00:19:14,290 Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? 308 00:19:14,375 --> 00:19:16,205 Anything like that? 309 00:19:16,294 --> 00:19:20,207 Well, you know the way God made us all, right, 310 00:19:20,294 --> 00:19:24,207 and He's looking down at us from Heaven and everything? 311 00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:27,603 And His son came down and saved everyone and all that? 312 00:19:27,693 --> 00:19:31,606 - Yes. - And when we die, we go to Heaven. 313 00:19:31,693 --> 00:19:33,683 Yes, what about it? 314 00:19:33,772 --> 00:19:36,525 That's the bit I have trouble with. 315 00:19:38,932 --> 00:19:42,128 That is the key to the matter, Father. 316 00:19:42,211 --> 00:19:44,930 When you come face to face with death, 317 00:19:45,011 --> 00:19:48,048 it makes you think about things. 318 00:19:48,131 --> 00:19:51,520 I saw that film recently, Apollo 13, 319 00:19:51,610 --> 00:19:55,364 and it reminded me of my own brush with death. 320 00:19:55,450 --> 00:19:57,963 Do you know what I mean? 321 00:19:58,049 --> 00:20:02,804 You mean...you were in space when you had your heart attack? 322 00:20:02,889 --> 00:20:07,245 - No. How could I be in space? - Sorry. No, I suppose not. 323 00:20:07,328 --> 00:20:10,320 I meant I know what it's like to be close to death. 324 00:20:10,408 --> 00:20:13,319 Yeah, great. I'm dying to use the old WC, so... 325 00:20:13,407 --> 00:20:17,286 Yes, you do that. I'll stay here and take the air. 326 00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:22,281 So, if God has existed forever, what did he do in his spare time 327 00:20:22,366 --> 00:20:25,676 before he made the earth and everything, you know? 328 00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:28,917 Well, we all have doubts. 329 00:20:29,006 --> 00:20:31,644 And what about not eating meat on Fridays? 330 00:20:31,725 --> 00:20:34,683 How come that's Ok now but it wasn't back then? 331 00:20:34,765 --> 00:20:38,803 Did people who ate meat on Fridays back then all go to hell or what? 332 00:20:38,884 --> 00:20:40,715 I mean, it's mad. 333 00:20:41,364 --> 00:20:45,914 - Not bothering you, is he? - No, no, it's...fascinating. 334 00:21:00,682 --> 00:21:02,797 (Toilet flushes) 335 00:21:06,481 --> 00:21:08,153 Oh! 336 00:21:08,241 --> 00:21:10,196 (Screaming) 337 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:17,278 Oh, there you are. I hope you had a nice chat. 338 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:18,997 It was great. 339 00:21:19,079 --> 00:21:21,877 I reached some very interesting conclusions. 340 00:21:21,959 --> 00:21:24,712 - Oh? About what exactly? - Well... 341 00:21:24,799 --> 00:21:26,754 It's nonsense, isn't it? 342 00:21:27,918 --> 00:21:29,874 - What is? - Religion. 343 00:21:31,438 --> 00:21:32,951 - Er... - Think about it. 344 00:21:33,038 --> 00:21:36,916 Very little evidence. Blind faith, that's all we have to go on. 345 00:21:36,997 --> 00:21:39,511 There's not a shred of proof! Nothing! 346 00:21:39,597 --> 00:21:44,112 Aliens? Now, there's something that might just be possible. 347 00:21:44,196 --> 00:21:45,993 But everlasting life? 348 00:21:46,076 --> 00:21:50,865 Big demons sticking red-hot pokers up your arse for all eternity? 349 00:21:50,955 --> 00:21:52,707 I don't think so. 350 00:21:52,795 --> 00:21:56,026 The whole religion thing, I just don't buy it. 351 00:21:56,115 --> 00:22:00,744 I've been struggling for some time, but Father McGuire was the first man 352 00:22:00,834 --> 00:22:03,394 to spell it out for me in black and white. 353 00:22:03,474 --> 00:22:05,749 Dougal, what have you been up to? 354 00:22:05,834 --> 00:22:09,542 This man. This man! 355 00:22:09,633 --> 00:22:13,387 Treasure him, Father Crilly! He has wisdom far beyond his years. 356 00:22:14,632 --> 00:22:16,384 Thanks very much. 357 00:22:16,472 --> 00:22:18,190 (Bloodcurdling scream ) 358 00:22:18,272 --> 00:22:22,311 Quick! It's Bishop Jordan! I think he's dead! 359 00:22:26,831 --> 00:22:29,629 There! Oh, Lord! 360 00:22:30,591 --> 00:22:33,150 Yeah. That's a dustbin, Mrs Doyle. 361 00:22:35,110 --> 00:22:37,829 There! Oh, Lord! 362 00:22:40,029 --> 00:22:42,782 This is terrible! Where's Bishop Facks? 363 00:22:42,869 --> 00:22:46,145 We have to straighten out the media! 364 00:22:46,229 --> 00:22:48,788 That's the important thing, Father! 365 00:22:48,868 --> 00:22:51,018 And we have to do it... 366 00:22:52,508 --> 00:22:53,702 ..now! 367 00:22:53,788 --> 00:22:55,584 ARGHHHHH! 368 00:23:01,987 --> 00:23:04,546 Dougal...thank you! 369 00:23:04,626 --> 00:23:06,025 You're welcome, Bishop. 370 00:23:06,106 --> 00:23:08,301 No, no - Eddie. 371 00:23:08,386 --> 00:23:11,775 Are you sure you won't reconsider your decision? 372 00:23:11,865 --> 00:23:15,141 No. It's too late. I'm off to India with a few friends. 373 00:23:15,225 --> 00:23:17,420 Ah, there they are. 374 00:23:19,664 --> 00:23:21,382 See you again, then. 375 00:23:30,383 --> 00:23:34,422 Er, Your Grace. The Holy Stone... 376 00:23:34,503 --> 00:23:38,734 Will it, er, still be a Class II when they, er...remove it? 377 00:23:42,102 --> 00:23:44,057 (Dougal) Bye. 378 00:23:50,181 --> 00:23:52,136 God bless. 379 00:24:03,979 --> 00:24:06,334 Went pretty well, I thought. 28804

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