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1
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- Last time on Dream On.
2
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♪ Silent night ♪.
3
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- Please come to Pennsylvania with me.
4
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- I don't know, I have a date tonight.
5
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- Some Amish village is
supposed to present Richard
6
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with this giant quilt
they made for the baby.
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- It's Mary.
8
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- Mary who?
9
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- The Virgin Mary.
10
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- The cracks.
11
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- It's Adele Mad.
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- We don't have to if you don't want to.
13
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- No, I do.
14
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I really do.
15
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- Looks like we're going to
have a white Christmas after all.
16
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- Are you actually blaming an unborn
child because you couldn't read a map?
17
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- No, no, no, no.
18
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I'm blaming him because we're stuck
19
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in this Pennsylvania Dutch
nightmare in the first place.
20
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- Dan, hey, where are you?
21
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- Uh-huh.
22
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Oh, no, no, no, I understand.
23
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- I turned and I looked and there she was.
24
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- The posted thingies are five bucks.
25
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- I can see.
26
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- Your mother and I are
stuck in Pennsylvania, okay?
27
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All the highways are closing.
28
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We're gonna have to spend the night.
29
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- Mm-hmm.
30
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- I'm expecting a friend of
mine around eight o'clock now.
31
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Her name is Mary Beth and I
have a pregnant woman here.
32
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- There's nothing I can do.
33
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There's just no room at the end.
34
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- This isn't Beth Lamb.
35
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- Oh, God.
36
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- Okay, here we go.
37
00:02:47,001 --> 00:02:49,000
- I think I already went.
38
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- He's calling me back to the flock.
39
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I know now what I must do.
40
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- Martin.
41
00:02:55,001 --> 00:02:56,000
- What?
42
00:02:56,001 --> 00:02:58,000
- I think my water just broke.
43
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(thunder rumbling)
44
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- She's gonna have a baby.
45
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♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
46
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- Why?
47
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Why do we have to get out of the car?
48
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I like it here.
49
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It's warm and there's maps.
50
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- Judith.
51
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Jude.
52
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I'm sorry, but you cannot
have the baby in the car.
53
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(groaning)
54
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It's okay, I'm fine.
55
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- Okay, okay, that
doesn't, you see that light?
56
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See there, way off there.
57
00:03:39,001 --> 00:03:41,000
Now we're gonna go get
help while you can still walk.
58
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- No, but maybe they're mean
farm people who don't like strangers.
59
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(dramatic music)
60
00:03:47,001 --> 00:03:51,000
- That's crazy.
61
00:03:51,001 --> 00:03:54,000
I'm sure they're very nice farm people.
62
00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:58,000
I'm sure there's a very nice
farmer and his very nice wife.
63
00:03:58,001 --> 00:03:59,470
And while we wait
for the ambulance, you
64
00:03:59,482 --> 00:04:01,000
can sit in a chair by
the fire, you know,
65
00:04:01,001 --> 00:04:03,000
and she'll hold your hand
and give you herb tea.
66
00:04:03,001 --> 00:04:06,000
So we won't have to have
the baby in this fucking car.
67
00:04:06,001 --> 00:04:09,000
- You wash his mouth out with soap?
68
00:04:09,001 --> 00:04:12,000
(upbeat music)
69
00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,000
♪ You'll be UN-subtletive ♪
70
00:04:14,001 --> 00:04:16,000
(knocking)
71
00:04:16,001 --> 00:04:21,000
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
72
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♪ You should've dropped some rats ♪
73
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♪ Now you're talking sorry ♪
74
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(knocking)
75
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- Martin?
76
00:04:31,001 --> 00:04:33,000
- No, I'm Jeremy.
77
00:04:33,001 --> 00:04:37,000
- I mean, he sounded young
on the phone, but not that young.
78
00:04:37,001 --> 00:04:38,000
I'm her bath, who are you?
79
00:04:38,001 --> 00:04:40,000
- I'm his son.
80
00:04:40,001 --> 00:04:42,000
- Oh my God, he must be old.
81
00:04:42,001 --> 00:04:43,000
- Yeah, yeah, it really is.
82
00:04:43,001 --> 00:04:44,430
Look, he said to
tell you he's sorry,
83
00:04:44,442 --> 00:04:46,000
but he won't be able
to see you tonight.
84
00:04:46,001 --> 00:04:48,000
He's stuck somewhere in Pennsylvania.
85
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- Well, shit.
86
00:04:49,001 --> 00:04:52,000
Shitty shit shit.
87
00:04:52,001 --> 00:04:54,000
What's he doing in Pennsylvania?
88
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Get out of the car!
89
00:04:56,001 --> 00:04:58,000
Get out, get out of the car, get out of it!
90
00:04:58,001 --> 00:05:01,000
- I don't know, sightseeing or something?
91
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:03,000
- Well, this is just tremendous.
92
00:05:03,001 --> 00:05:04,000
My very first night in New York City
93
00:05:04,001 --> 00:05:07,000
and I don't know what the
hell I'm gonna do with myself.
94
00:05:07,001 --> 00:05:09,000
You got a paper?
95
00:05:09,001 --> 00:10:18,100
- I guess so.
96
00:05:09,001 --> 00:05:15,000
- So, Jeremy, what's a
good looking kid like yourself
97
00:05:15,001 --> 00:05:18,000
doing home on Christmas
Eve, waiting for Santa?
98
00:05:18,001 --> 00:05:19,000
- Yeah, yeah, that's it.
99
00:05:19,001 --> 00:05:24,000
- Everything catch?
100
00:05:24,001 --> 00:05:27,000
- Yeah, kinda sucked, a lot.
101
00:05:27,001 --> 00:05:31,000
- Well, already I can tell, you're
just a wellspring of enthusiasm.
102
00:05:31,001 --> 00:05:32,000
You got anything to drink?
103
00:05:32,001 --> 00:05:35,000
- My dad's got some scotch or something.
104
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:36,000
- You got any Yoo-hoo?
105
00:05:36,001 --> 00:05:39,000
(upbeat music)
106
00:05:39,001 --> 00:05:47,000
- Okay, Martin.
107
00:05:47,001 --> 00:05:48,000
Where's the nice farmer?
108
00:05:48,001 --> 00:05:51,000
Where is the nice farmer's wife?
109
00:05:51,001 --> 00:05:52,000
(car horn honking)
110
00:05:52,001 --> 00:05:54,000
Where is my herbal tea?
111
00:05:54,001 --> 00:05:57,000
- I'm sorry, I thought it was a house.
112
00:05:57,001 --> 00:05:59,000
- And yet, I see sheep.
113
00:05:59,001 --> 00:06:01,000
It didn't-- (cow mooing)
114
00:06:01,001 --> 00:06:02,000
- Dude, dude!
115
00:06:02,001 --> 00:06:05,000
- I am not having my baby here, I'm not.
116
00:06:05,001 --> 00:06:09,000
No, no, no, no, not with
that cow staring at me.
117
00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:12,000
- Okay, okay, fine, let's go.
118
00:06:12,001 --> 00:06:14,000
- Go, you crazy, go there!
119
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- What, you wanna stay here?
120
00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:20,000
- Hello, I believe we have
already discussed that opportunity.
121
00:06:20,001 --> 00:06:22,000
- All right, okay.
122
00:06:22,001 --> 00:06:26,000
Look, you stay here
and I'll go for help, okay?
123
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- Don't leave me!
124
00:06:28,001 --> 00:06:31,000
Please, please, don't leave me.
125
00:06:31,001 --> 00:06:32,000
- Stop it!
126
00:06:32,001 --> 00:06:37,000
- I don't wanna have my baby in a fire.
127
00:06:37,001 --> 00:06:40,000
(crying)
128
00:06:40,001 --> 00:06:46,000
- Another scotch?
129
00:06:46,001 --> 00:06:49,000
I'm gonna make this one a double.
130
00:06:49,001 --> 00:06:51,000
Save you the trip later.
131
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,000
- You sure you wouldn't like
some dinner, Mr. Charles?
132
00:06:54,001 --> 00:06:56,000
- All right, all right.
133
00:06:56,001 --> 00:06:58,000
Bring me that bowl of maraschino cherries.
134
00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:03,000
- Bon appetit.
135
00:07:03,001 --> 00:07:06,000
- Hey.
136
00:07:06,001 --> 00:07:09,000
Cheer up.
137
00:07:09,001 --> 00:07:11,000
'Tis the season to be jolly.
138
00:07:11,001 --> 00:07:14,000
- Oh man, just leave me alone.
139
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:17,000
- Come on, come on, where's the mirth?
140
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:19,000
Just Christmas, you know?
141
00:07:19,001 --> 00:07:21,000
- Christmas sucks.
142
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:23,000
- What'd you say?
143
00:07:23,001 --> 00:07:26,000
- I said Christmas sucks.
144
00:07:26,001 --> 00:07:30,000
- Nobody.
145
00:07:30,001 --> 00:07:36,000
Nobody talks that way about
Christmas to Santa Claus.
146
00:07:36,001 --> 00:07:38,000
Come on, step outside.
147
00:07:38,001 --> 00:07:39,000
- Hey, hey, hey, all right, all right, man.
148
00:07:39,001 --> 00:07:40,000
Just chill out.
149
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,000
You just had too many
little kids sitting on your lap.
150
00:07:42,001 --> 00:07:43,000
Just sit down.
151
00:07:43,001 --> 00:07:50,000
- Oh, you think that I'm one of
those phony department store Santas.
152
00:07:50,001 --> 00:07:55,000
Well, I'll have you know that you
were looking at the genuine article.
153
00:07:55,001 --> 00:08:02,000
- Well, I hate to break this to you,
Virginia, but there is no Santa Claus.
154
00:08:02,001 --> 00:08:04,000
(laughing)
155
00:08:04,001 --> 00:08:10,000
- Well, then I guess that
you won't feel it when I do this.
156
00:08:10,001 --> 00:08:11,000
(thudding)
157
00:08:11,001 --> 00:08:13,000
(yelling)
158
00:08:13,001 --> 00:08:17,000
- Get out of here!
159
00:08:17,001 --> 00:08:19,000
- Come on, get out of here!
160
00:08:19,001 --> 00:08:23,000
- Yeah, and that's when I
heard this voice in my head.
161
00:08:23,001 --> 00:08:26,000
- This voice?
162
00:08:26,001 --> 00:08:31,000
- Yeah, yeah, it was a
very calm, sincere voice,
163
00:08:31,001 --> 00:08:34,000
kind of like Harry Smith
on the CBS morning news.
164
00:08:34,001 --> 00:08:37,000
- And what did this voice tell you?
165
00:08:37,001 --> 00:08:42,000
- The voice said, "Toby,
it's time to have a new life.
166
00:08:42,001 --> 00:08:46,000
"Take a new road, become a nun.".
167
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,000
- You know, Santa Claus,
how the hell do you know?
168
00:08:51,001 --> 00:08:52,000
First of all, you're black.
169
00:08:52,001 --> 00:08:56,000
What fucked up racist ghost is
the Christmas that you grew up with?
170
00:08:56,001 --> 00:08:58,000
Aha, Santa would have never said fucked.
171
00:08:58,001 --> 00:09:03,000
- Yo, Mr. Charles, Mr. Kringle, you
guys knock it off from calling the cops.
172
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,000
I don't care if it is Christmas.
173
00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:08,000
- I don't know if you
know any of the sisters
174
00:09:08,001 --> 00:09:10,291
over at St.
Margaret's, but I wanna
175
00:09:10,303 --> 00:09:13,000
tell you, this was a
tough bunch of nuns.
176
00:09:13,001 --> 00:09:17,000
I mean, these were definitely not
your Dominique, nique kind of nuns.
177
00:09:17,001 --> 00:09:18,000
- What if that's the way you feel?
178
00:09:18,001 --> 00:09:20,000
Why do you want to become one yourself?
179
00:09:20,001 --> 00:09:21,000
- Oh, don't get me wrong.
180
00:09:21,001 --> 00:09:27,000
I love some nuns like Maria and
how to solve a problem like Maria
181
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:30,000
or Sister Betru, I loved her.
182
00:09:30,001 --> 00:09:33,000
- Miss Petalby, the
decision to devote oneself
183
00:09:33,001 --> 00:09:35,000
to Christ's work is a terrible serious one.
184
00:09:35,001 --> 00:09:37,000
Ideally, it should be
based on something more
185
00:09:37,001 --> 00:09:40,000
than the hope of someday being able to fly.
186
00:09:40,001 --> 00:09:43,000
I'm sorry, I'm afraid we
have no place for you here.
187
00:09:43,001 --> 00:09:46,000
- Oh no, please, you gotta let me.
188
00:09:46,001 --> 00:09:49,000
Look, I know I'm not your
regular nun type kind of person,
189
00:09:49,001 --> 00:09:53,000
but believe me, Sister, this
is what God wants for me.
190
00:09:53,001 --> 00:09:55,000
Sister, you don't wanna start up with God.
191
00:09:55,001 --> 00:10:00,000
- Did I mention that I happen
to be intermittently psychic?
192
00:10:00,001 --> 00:10:04,000
For instance, I know why you're
all twisted up inside yourself tonight.
193
00:10:04,001 --> 00:10:05,000
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
194
00:10:05,001 --> 00:10:07,000
It's about S-E-X, right?
195
00:10:07,001 --> 00:10:10,000
- Maybe.
196
00:10:10,001 --> 00:10:12,000
- You think you might be gay, right?
197
00:10:12,001 --> 00:10:15,000
- No, no, anything is the opposite.
198
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:19,000
- Uh-huh, I'm sure in time we'll
understand exactly what that might mean.
199
00:10:19,001 --> 00:10:20,000
- No, no, no, no,
look, forget it, all right,
200
00:10:20,001 --> 00:10:23,000
why don't you go see cats,
they sing memories, you'll like it.
201
00:10:23,001 --> 00:10:26,401
- Shimmy Hawk,
the little town that I'm
202
00:10:26,413 --> 00:10:30,000
from, has a population
approximately less
203
00:10:30,001 --> 00:10:31,000
than this apartment building.
204
00:10:31,001 --> 00:10:34,000
Sometimes it gets so crazy,
I just pick up the phone,
205
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:37,000
dial me a number and start talking.
206
00:10:37,001 --> 00:10:39,000
It's time it's your daddy, in fact.
207
00:10:39,001 --> 00:10:45,000
I found in my vast life experience,
it's easier to talk to a stranger
208
00:10:45,001 --> 00:10:47,000
than Frank Whitley Moore-Rewarden.
209
00:10:47,001 --> 00:10:57,000
Richard was supposed to
deliver the baby in warm water
210
00:10:57,001 --> 00:11:00,000
with music playing, then
he composed himself.
211
00:11:00,001 --> 00:11:04,000
Now I have to have my baby on a thing.
212
00:11:04,001 --> 00:11:09,000
- We're gonna be okay, I mean, I'm here,
213
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:11,769
you know, and all
your little barnyard
214
00:11:11,781 --> 00:11:15,000
friends, I mean really,
we're gonna be fine.
215
00:11:15,001 --> 00:11:17,000
Help!
216
00:11:17,001 --> 00:11:18,000
- Oh!
217
00:11:18,001 --> 00:11:19,000
- Help!
218
00:11:19,001 --> 00:11:21,000
- God!
219
00:11:21,001 --> 00:11:25,000
- Okay, okay, I lied,
we're not gonna be fine.
220
00:11:25,001 --> 00:11:29,000
I'm not a doctor, I can't
handle this, I can't, I can't.
221
00:11:29,001 --> 00:11:31,000
- Try, try, just try.
222
00:11:31,001 --> 00:11:35,000
- Are we kidding, we can't
have a baby in a barn?
223
00:11:35,001 --> 00:11:36,000
Help!
224
00:11:36,001 --> 00:11:42,000
- I'm sorry I slapped you.
225
00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:44,000
- Totally justified, not to worry.
226
00:11:44,001 --> 00:11:51,000
- Look, we just have to remember
everything we learned in birthing class.
227
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:53,000
- First off, we get you in shape.
228
00:11:53,001 --> 00:11:56,000
You skip rope till you think
you're becoming a school girl.
229
00:11:56,001 --> 00:11:59,000
Then you start bouncing a rubber
ball till you bounce like one yourself.
230
00:11:59,001 --> 00:12:01,000
- There you go, it's gonna be a snap.
231
00:12:01,001 --> 00:12:09,000
- Just leave me alone.
232
00:12:09,001 --> 00:12:11,000
- Oh, come on, take it.
233
00:12:11,001 --> 00:12:15,000
- Look, I'm sorry that I got so pissed.
234
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:18,000
This is a really stressful
time of year for me.
235
00:12:18,001 --> 00:12:24,000
You know, with all of
the presents to deliver.
236
00:12:24,001 --> 00:12:32,000
- So now, for the rest of my life,
whenever I think back in my first time,
237
00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:36,000
all I'm gonna see is that expression
on Shannon's face, like, huh?
238
00:12:36,001 --> 00:12:39,000
Oh, and forget Christmas, you
know, Christmas is fucked forever.
239
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,000
(dramatic music)
240
00:12:42,001 --> 00:12:46,000
First time I ever left Jimmy
Hawkeye is 15 years old.
241
00:12:46,001 --> 00:12:50,000
My Aunt Jolene took me down to
Dallas, see that fancy on I-Show?
242
00:12:50,001 --> 00:12:53,000
I used to look just like cartoon
characters more than real people.
243
00:12:53,001 --> 00:12:58,000
Anyway, after the show, I snuck
backstage and I met Jimmy Buckets.
244
00:12:58,001 --> 00:13:00,000
Starred as Woofy the dog in the show.
245
00:13:00,001 --> 00:13:05,000
Got drunk on Orange
Ne-Hyde Southern Comfort.
246
00:13:05,001 --> 00:13:08,000
And I ended up having
sex for the very first time
247
00:13:08,001 --> 00:13:12,000
pressed up against one of
those Zamboni machines.
248
00:13:12,001 --> 00:13:15,533
The whole time, all
I kept thinking was,
249
00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:19,000
I wish you'd take
off that stupid head.
250
00:13:19,001 --> 00:13:21,000
- What?
251
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:26,000
- Believe me, I know how
important your first time is.
252
00:13:26,001 --> 00:13:32,000
- Remember when Jeremy was born?
253
00:13:32,001 --> 00:13:34,000
- God, it was such a nutcase.
254
00:13:34,001 --> 00:13:36,000
(screaming)
255
00:13:36,001 --> 00:13:37,000
- Oh no!
256
00:13:37,001 --> 00:13:40,000
No, no, no, you weren't so bad.
257
00:13:40,001 --> 00:13:42,000
- Martin, you had to get stitches.
258
00:13:42,001 --> 00:13:45,000
- Well, it wasn't your finest hour.
259
00:13:45,001 --> 00:13:48,000
- You know, it's funny
when I think back on that,
260
00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:52,000
I actually don't even remember the pain.
261
00:13:52,001 --> 00:13:54,000
- It is funny, I do.
262
00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:58,000
- Thank you for being here.
263
00:13:58,001 --> 00:14:00,000
No, I mean, you were right before.
264
00:14:00,001 --> 00:14:03,000
I am always dragging you
back into my life and it's not fair.
265
00:14:03,001 --> 00:14:05,000
(sighing)
266
00:14:05,001 --> 00:14:10,000
- I am really glad you're here.
267
00:14:10,001 --> 00:14:14,000
- Me too.
268
00:14:14,001 --> 00:14:20,000
(screaming)
269
00:14:20,001 --> 00:28:40,100
- Oh God!
270
00:14:20,001 --> 00:14:21,000
- God!
271
00:14:21,001 --> 00:14:22,000
- God!
272
00:14:22,001 --> 00:14:23,000
- God!
273
00:14:23,001 --> 00:14:25,000
(screaming)
274
00:14:25,001 --> 00:14:35,000
- Jeremy, honey, you've had one
life alternate experience this evening.
275
00:14:35,001 --> 00:14:37,000
Maybe that's enough for one night.
276
00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:38,000
- I appreciate your concern.
277
00:14:38,001 --> 00:14:45,000
You're not just doing
this on a pity or something.
278
00:14:45,001 --> 00:14:47,000
I mean, that would be okay.
279
00:14:47,001 --> 00:14:48,000
I was just wondering.
280
00:14:48,001 --> 00:14:51,000
- I don't think you're cute as hell.
281
00:14:51,001 --> 00:14:56,000
Besides, I just hate the thought of
Christmas being roomed for you forever.
282
00:14:56,001 --> 00:14:59,000
- Breathe.
283
00:14:59,001 --> 00:15:00,000
Breathe.
284
00:15:00,001 --> 00:15:01,000
Breathe.
285
00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:02,000
Breathe.
286
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:03,000
I am breathing.
287
00:15:03,001 --> 00:15:07,000
Listen very closely.
288
00:15:07,001 --> 00:15:09,000
This is the sound of me breathing.
289
00:15:09,001 --> 00:30:18,100
- Uh-huh.
290
00:15:09,001 --> 00:15:10,000
- Oh God!
291
00:15:10,001 --> 00:15:11,000
- Oh!
292
00:15:11,001 --> 00:15:12,000
- Uh-oh!
293
00:15:12,001 --> 00:15:13,000
- Oh!
294
00:15:13,001 --> 00:15:17,000
(singing in foreign language)
295
00:15:17,001 --> 00:15:24,000
- Now we're gonna take this real spot.
296
00:15:24,001 --> 00:15:28,000
I'm never the sex again.
297
00:15:28,001 --> 00:15:29,000
I'm never the sex again.
298
00:15:29,001 --> 00:15:30,000
- No, no, fight the pain.
299
00:15:30,001 --> 00:15:31,000
You'd conquer the pain.
300
00:15:31,001 --> 00:15:33,000
What does that mean, conquer the pain?
301
00:15:33,001 --> 00:15:35,000
You fucking conquer the pain!
302
00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:38,000
(screaming)
303
00:15:38,001 --> 00:15:43,000
♪ My friends will ride in armor ♪
304
00:15:43,001 --> 00:15:46,000
♪ Just to keep my hand ♪
305
00:15:46,001 --> 00:15:48,489
- When you were
having Jeremy, it wasn't
306
00:15:48,501 --> 00:15:51,000
about now they
started giving you drugs.
307
00:15:51,001 --> 00:15:53,000
(gasping)
308
00:15:53,001 --> 00:15:57,000
- I have to do it.
309
00:15:57,001 --> 00:15:58,000
Do it.
310
00:15:58,001 --> 00:16:00,000
(gasping)
311
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:07,000
- That was much better than last time.
312
00:16:07,001 --> 00:16:08,000
- Oh boy.
313
00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:12,000
Jeremy honey, I'd tell you.
314
00:16:12,001 --> 00:16:16,000
Well there's a certain improvisational
nature to your technique.
315
00:16:16,001 --> 00:16:21,000
You've got some natural
talent that is most impressive.
316
00:16:21,001 --> 00:16:26,000
What you thinking?
317
00:16:26,001 --> 00:16:28,000
- We do it again.
318
00:16:28,001 --> 00:16:30,000
(singing in foreign language)
319
00:16:30,001 --> 00:16:31,000
(screaming)
320
00:16:31,001 --> 00:16:34,000
- How could he have
forgotten what this was like?
321
00:16:34,001 --> 00:16:35,000
- I don't know.
322
00:16:35,001 --> 00:16:36,000
(screaming)
323
00:16:36,001 --> 00:16:40,000
(singing in foreign language)
324
00:16:40,001 --> 00:16:44,989
So, how come you're
not at home setting
325
00:16:45,001 --> 00:16:50,000
out to Stockins with
the wife and kids?
326
00:16:50,001 --> 00:16:51,000
- Divorced.
327
00:16:51,001 --> 00:16:55,000
- Oh, I'm sorry.
328
00:16:55,001 --> 00:16:57,000
- No, no, no, no, no, man, don't be.
329
00:16:57,001 --> 00:16:59,000
I'm just not the married guy type.
330
00:16:59,001 --> 00:17:02,000
You know, I do much
better with the single thing.
331
00:17:02,001 --> 00:17:08,000
- Getting drunk on Christmas
Eve, eating cherries for dinner.
332
00:17:08,001 --> 00:17:11,000
What a life.
333
00:17:11,001 --> 00:17:16,000
- Hey, hey, why the hell aren't
you at home with Mrs. Claus?
334
00:17:16,001 --> 00:17:17,000
(laughing)
335
00:17:17,001 --> 00:17:20,000
- There is no Mrs. Claus.
336
00:17:20,001 --> 00:17:22,000
Some PR guy made her up.
337
00:17:22,001 --> 00:17:24,000
(laughing)
338
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:28,000
You know how people get
when you work with kids.
339
00:17:28,001 --> 00:17:29,000
- Mm, yep.
340
00:17:29,001 --> 00:17:34,000
- It gets real lonely up at the pole.
341
00:17:34,001 --> 00:17:38,000
Of course, there are the
elves, but we ain't close.
342
00:17:38,001 --> 00:17:39,000
- Uh-huh.
343
00:17:39,001 --> 00:17:41,000
(laughing)
344
00:17:41,001 --> 00:17:43,000
(somber music)
345
00:17:43,001 --> 00:17:48,000
- I'm getting too old man to be alone.
346
00:17:48,001 --> 00:17:53,000
There comes a time in a man's
life when he just wants to be sure
347
00:17:53,001 --> 00:17:56,000
that somebody is gonna be there.
348
00:17:56,001 --> 00:17:59,000
- Somebody to curl up under the covers.
349
00:17:59,001 --> 00:18:02,000
Somebody to laugh at your jokes.
350
00:18:02,001 --> 00:18:03,000
(laughing)
351
00:18:03,001 --> 00:18:08,000
And not take any of your crap.
352
00:18:08,001 --> 00:18:11,000
- Yeah, I guess.
353
00:18:11,001 --> 00:18:12,000
- Don't guess.
354
00:18:12,001 --> 00:18:15,000
You don't wanna end up like me.
355
00:18:15,001 --> 00:18:18,000
- So what do I do?
356
00:18:18,001 --> 00:18:20,000
- I don't know, man.
357
00:18:20,001 --> 00:18:22,000
I just make the toys.
358
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:25,000
(somber music)
359
00:18:25,001 --> 00:18:35,000
- I fell off my stool.
360
00:18:35,001 --> 00:18:38,000
(laughing)
361
00:18:38,001 --> 00:18:40,000
There I must be shit-faced.
362
00:18:40,001 --> 00:18:41,000
(laughing)
363
00:18:41,001 --> 00:18:44,000
- And you understand in
becoming the bride of Christ,
364
00:18:44,001 --> 00:18:46,000
you would have to take a vow of celibacy.
365
00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:49,000
Not a big change in my
lifestyle, if you know what I mean.
366
00:18:49,001 --> 00:18:53,000
And you'll be called on to relinquish
all worldly possessions as well.
367
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:54,000
- Not a problem.
368
00:18:54,001 --> 00:18:58,000
Although there is this armchair
that Mr. Snuffles likes to sleep in.
369
00:18:58,001 --> 00:19:00,000
- And Mr. Snuffles would be?
370
00:19:00,001 --> 00:19:01,000
- My cat.
371
00:19:01,001 --> 00:19:05,000
Don't worry, he only yells
when entertainment tonight is on.
372
00:19:05,001 --> 00:19:08,000
- Oh, we don't allow
animals in the convent.
373
00:19:08,001 --> 00:19:09,000
- Wait a minute.
374
00:19:09,001 --> 00:19:10,000
You don't?
375
00:19:10,001 --> 00:19:11,000
Oh, he doesn't.
376
00:19:11,001 --> 00:19:14,000
- It's our policy.
377
00:19:14,001 --> 00:19:17,000
- It's crazy.
378
00:19:17,001 --> 00:19:21,000
I can't confort my babies.
379
00:19:21,001 --> 00:19:22,000
I can't.
380
00:19:22,001 --> 00:19:25,000
I just can't.
381
00:19:25,001 --> 00:19:27,000
Forget it.
382
00:19:27,001 --> 00:19:32,000
I don't wanna be part of any
religion that doesn't allow pets.
383
00:19:32,001 --> 00:39:04,100
(growling)
384
00:19:32,001 --> 00:19:33,000
- Forget it.
385
00:19:33,001 --> 00:19:34,000
I'm not gonna do it.
386
00:19:34,001 --> 00:19:38,000
Forget it, I'm not gonna cut
the umbilical cord with my teeth.
387
00:19:38,001 --> 00:19:41,000
- Martin, we were awfully close here.
388
00:19:41,001 --> 00:19:42,000
What do you propose we use?
389
00:19:42,001 --> 00:19:45,000
(dramatic music)
390
00:19:45,001 --> 00:19:46,000
- Well, I don't know.
391
00:19:46,001 --> 00:19:48,086
I don't know, you
can raise that baby still
392
00:19:48,098 --> 00:19:50,000
connected to your
vagina for all I can.
393
00:19:50,001 --> 00:19:51,000
I'm not gonna do it.
394
00:19:51,001 --> 00:19:53,000
- What the hell are you doing in my barn?
395
00:19:53,001 --> 00:19:54,000
- Thank God.
396
00:19:54,001 --> 00:19:56,000
We need a doctor right away.
397
00:19:56,001 --> 00:19:58,000
- You're Richard Stone's wife, aren't you?
398
00:19:58,001 --> 00:20:01,000
- Yes, I am.
399
00:20:01,001 --> 00:20:02,000
Everybody's looking for you.
400
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:04,000
It's all over the news and
here you are in my barn.
401
00:20:04,001 --> 00:20:06,000
I know this is so exciting.
402
00:20:06,001 --> 00:20:09,000
- Now would you please get us a
doctor before I hit you with that bucket?
403
00:20:09,001 --> 00:20:12,000
(car horn honking)
404
00:20:12,001 --> 00:20:14,000
- Well, that was uncalled for.
405
00:20:14,001 --> 00:20:19,000
(dramatic music)
406
00:20:19,001 --> 00:20:22,000
(dramatic music)
407
00:20:22,001 --> 00:20:23,000
- Night, Beth.
408
00:20:23,001 --> 00:20:27,000
Night, Beth.
409
00:20:27,001 --> 00:20:28,000
- Mm, mm.
410
00:20:28,001 --> 00:20:30,000
- One more time?
411
00:20:30,001 --> 00:20:31,000
- Mm.
412
00:20:31,001 --> 00:20:32,356
- Come on, come
on, I'll probably be
413
00:20:32,368 --> 00:20:34,000
years before I get a
chance to do it again.
414
00:20:34,001 --> 00:20:38,000
(laughing)
415
00:20:38,001 --> 00:20:40,000
- Oh, Martin, it's coming.
416
00:20:40,001 --> 00:20:42,000
Oh, shh.
417
00:20:42,001 --> 00:20:44,000
(piano music)
418
00:20:44,001 --> 00:20:46,000
- No, no, no, no, no, no, wait.
419
00:20:46,001 --> 00:20:48,000
(dramatic music)
420
00:20:48,001 --> 00:41:36,100
- Wait.
421
00:20:48,001 --> 00:20:51,000
I'll be back with the doctor
any second, you know.
422
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:52,000
Just hold it in.
423
00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:55,000
- Oh, I don't think I can do this.
424
00:20:55,001 --> 00:20:56,000
This is birth.
425
00:20:56,001 --> 00:20:57,000
- I don't care.
426
00:20:57,001 --> 00:20:58,000
I don't care.
427
00:20:58,001 --> 00:20:59,000
Just stop that baby.
428
00:20:59,001 --> 00:21:07,000
- Lord, I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.
429
00:21:07,001 --> 00:21:11,000
I want to serve you and
bask in your holy light,
430
00:21:11,001 --> 00:21:14,000
but not if it means giving up Mr. Snuffles.
431
00:21:14,001 --> 00:21:16,000
Please, speak to me.
432
00:21:16,001 --> 00:21:18,000
I don't know what to do.
433
00:21:18,001 --> 00:21:20,000
Just give me a sign.
434
00:21:20,001 --> 00:21:23,000
(dramatic music)
435
00:21:23,001 --> 00:21:40,000
- Well, it looks like a rabbit.
436
00:21:40,001 --> 00:21:44,000
- That's it.
437
00:21:44,001 --> 00:21:46,000
I'm supposed to buy a rabbit.
438
00:21:46,001 --> 00:21:48,000
(yelling)
439
00:21:48,001 --> 00:21:51,000
- Come on, Judith, hang in there.
440
00:21:51,001 --> 00:21:53,000
Hang in there, you can do it.
441
00:21:53,001 --> 00:21:55,000
- Martin, this is not
the end I need you at.
442
00:21:55,001 --> 00:21:57,000
- I'm the plumber.
443
00:21:57,001 --> 00:21:59,000
I'm just hanging around in case
something goes wrong with our pipes.
444
00:21:59,001 --> 00:22:01,000
- Right, right.
445
00:22:01,001 --> 00:22:03,000
(yelling)
446
00:22:03,001 --> 00:22:06,000
Go.
447
00:22:06,001 --> 00:22:08,000
Go, I see something.
448
00:22:08,001 --> 00:22:09,000
I think I really see something.
449
00:22:09,001 --> 00:22:11,000
- What, what do you see?
450
00:22:11,001 --> 00:22:15,000
- Oh my God.
451
00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:16,000
- What, what is it?
452
00:22:16,001 --> 00:22:17,000
- What is it?
453
00:22:17,001 --> 00:22:20,000
- Oh, no, no, it's okay.
454
00:22:20,001 --> 00:22:21,000
It's just a foot.
455
00:22:21,001 --> 00:22:25,000
I thought it was a horrible little
hand, you know, but it's just a foot.
456
00:22:25,001 --> 00:22:26,000
- A foot?
457
00:22:26,001 --> 00:22:28,000
It's not supposed to be a foot.
458
00:22:28,001 --> 00:22:29,000
It's breached.
459
00:22:29,001 --> 00:22:31,000
Oh God, Martin, it's breached.
460
00:22:31,001 --> 00:22:33,000
- Mayday, mayday.
461
00:22:33,001 --> 00:22:34,000
It's breached, it's breached.
462
00:22:34,001 --> 00:22:35,000
What do we do?
463
00:22:35,001 --> 00:22:36,000
- I don't know, I don't know.
464
00:22:36,001 --> 00:22:37,000
- What the shush?
465
00:22:37,001 --> 00:22:38,000
Should I pull it?
466
00:22:38,001 --> 00:22:39,000
- No, don't pull it.
467
00:22:39,001 --> 00:22:40,000
- Should I push it back in?
468
00:22:40,001 --> 00:22:42,000
- No, just, God.
469
00:22:42,001 --> 00:22:43,000
- What do you want me to do?
470
00:22:43,001 --> 00:22:45,000
- I don't know.
471
00:22:45,001 --> 00:22:46,000
- Let's do something!
472
00:22:46,001 --> 00:22:48,000
(crying)
473
00:22:48,001 --> 00:22:50,000
- I'm an amateur magician,
how about a magic show?
474
00:22:50,001 --> 00:22:51,000
- Oh my God!
475
00:22:51,001 --> 00:22:53,000
(crying)
476
00:22:53,001 --> 00:22:58,000
(dramatic music)
477
00:22:58,001 --> 00:23:00,000
- Oh, Richard!
478
00:23:00,001 --> 00:23:03,000
(dramatic music)
479
00:23:03,001 --> 00:23:12,000
- Hold this for me, will you, Martin?
480
00:23:12,001 --> 00:23:13,000
- I knew you'd come.
481
00:23:13,001 --> 00:23:16,000
(dramatic music)
482
00:23:16,001 --> 00:23:24,000
- You're ready to push.
483
00:23:24,001 --> 00:23:25,000
- Good.
484
00:23:25,001 --> 00:23:26,000
- Now push.
485
00:23:26,001 --> 00:23:32,000
(screaming)
486
00:23:32,001 --> 00:23:39,000
- We have a son.
487
00:23:39,001 --> 00:23:41,000
(crying)
488
00:23:41,001 --> 00:23:44,000
(dramatic music)
489
00:23:44,001 --> 00:23:48,000
- It's a miracle.
490
00:23:48,001 --> 00:23:50,000
(dramatic music)
491
00:23:50,001 --> 00:23:59,000
- He's beautiful.
492
00:23:59,001 --> 00:24:00,000
- He is.
493
00:24:00,001 --> 00:24:03,000
He looks just like you.
494
00:24:03,001 --> 00:24:06,000
(dramatic music).
495
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,393
- This is a private
conversation, but
496
00:24:12,405 --> 00:24:14,000
no extras in the
scene, run along with it.
497
00:24:14,001 --> 00:24:17,000
(dramatic music)
498
00:24:17,001 --> 00:24:31,000
- Peace on Earth, good will to men.
499
00:24:31,001 --> 00:24:34,000
(crashing).
500
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:43,000
- Uh, Mary Beth, I'm never
gonna forget this night.
501
00:24:43,001 --> 00:24:45,000
- Well, I should hope not.
502
00:24:45,001 --> 00:24:48,000
- I'll send you a card every Christmas.
503
00:24:48,001 --> 00:24:49,000
- I'd like that.
504
00:24:49,001 --> 00:24:51,000
(sighing)
505
00:24:51,001 --> 00:24:57,000
- Mary Beth, is seven
times really that much?
506
00:24:57,001 --> 00:25:02,000
- Let's just say men have died from last.
507
00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:04,000
Take care, honey.
508
00:25:04,001 --> 00:25:07,000
(kissing)
509
00:25:07,001 --> 00:25:10,000
(dramatic music)
510
00:25:10,001 --> 00:25:17,000
- Merry Christmas.
511
00:25:17,001 --> 00:25:18,000
- Thank you.
512
00:25:18,001 --> 00:25:23,000
(laughing)
513
00:25:23,001 --> 00:25:32,000
- Jeremy?
514
00:25:32,001 --> 00:25:33,000
- Dad.
515
00:25:33,001 --> 00:25:36,000
- Come here.
516
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,000
(footsteps)
517
00:25:39,001 --> 00:25:40,000
- Merry Christmas.
518
00:25:40,001 --> 00:25:42,000
- Are you okay?
519
00:25:42,001 --> 00:51:24,100
- Yeah.
520
00:25:42,001 --> 00:25:44,000
- I'm happy too.
521
00:25:44,001 --> 00:25:46,000
This was the most amazing night.
522
00:25:46,001 --> 00:25:48,000
You have a brother.
523
00:25:48,001 --> 00:25:49,000
- Cool, all right.
524
00:25:49,001 --> 00:25:53,000
- Hey.
525
00:25:53,001 --> 00:25:56,000
Come here.
526
00:25:56,001 --> 00:26:02,000
What are you doing up so early?
527
00:26:02,001 --> 00:26:03,001
- Uh.
528
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,000
- Oh.
529
00:26:07,001 --> 00:26:08,000
Oh.
530
00:26:08,001 --> 00:26:09,339
Just couldn't wait
to get under that
531
00:26:09,351 --> 00:26:11,000
Christmas tree and
open those presents, huh?
532
00:26:11,001 --> 00:26:15,000
- Yeah, yeah, that's it, the presents.
533
00:26:15,001 --> 00:26:18,000
(upbeat music)
534
00:26:18,001 --> 00:26:21,000
- Oh.
535
00:26:21,001 --> 00:26:23,000
- All right, all right, so he's cute.
536
00:26:23,001 --> 00:26:25,000
He's not cute, he's perfect.
537
00:26:25,001 --> 00:26:28,000
- He looks just like Richard, only younger.
538
00:26:28,001 --> 00:26:29,000
I love babies.
539
00:26:29,001 --> 00:26:31,000
- Wow, look at this.
540
00:26:31,001 --> 00:26:33,000
This kid's making out like a bandit, huh?
541
00:26:33,001 --> 00:26:34,000
- Oh well, you know the Wisemans.
542
00:26:34,001 --> 00:26:36,000
I mean, they never know when to stop.
543
00:26:36,001 --> 00:26:39,000
- Just a coincidence.
544
00:26:39,001 --> 00:26:40,000
- Judith, he's gorgeous.
545
00:26:40,001 --> 00:26:43,000
- Could you ever see yourself having one?
546
00:26:43,001 --> 00:26:44,000
- Maybe.
547
00:26:44,001 --> 00:26:47,000
What?
548
00:26:47,001 --> 00:26:49,000
What, it could happen.
549
00:26:49,001 --> 00:53:38,100
You never know.
550
00:26:49,001 --> 00:26:53,000
- So, how were all your Christmases?
551
00:26:53,001 --> 00:26:55,000
Well?
552
00:26:55,001 --> 00:53:50,100
- Yeah.
553
00:26:55,001 --> 00:27:00,000
- Uh, this is...
- Mary.
554
00:27:00,001 --> 00:27:02,000
- Jeremy, you look taller somehow.
555
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,000
- I got him new sneakers.
556
00:27:04,001 --> 00:27:07,000
- Oh, are you precious?
557
00:27:07,001 --> 00:27:10,621
Excuse me, but shouldn't
we take a moment
558
00:27:10,633 --> 00:27:14,000
to remember another
person born today?
559
00:27:14,001 --> 00:27:18,000
- Barbara Mandrell.
560
00:27:18,001 --> 00:27:21,000
- Maybe we should let the
new mother get some sleep.
561
00:27:21,001 --> 00:27:28,000
- Martin, I just wanted to
thank you for... (laughs)
562
00:27:28,001 --> 00:27:30,000
Well, for everything.
563
00:27:30,001 --> 00:27:32,000
I couldn't have gotten
through it without you.
564
00:27:32,001 --> 00:27:34,000
- No, no, no, really, it was Richard.
565
00:27:34,001 --> 00:27:37,000
- No, no, you were terrific.
566
00:27:37,001 --> 00:27:39,917
And, well, we would
really like you to do
567
00:27:39,929 --> 00:27:43,000
us the honor of being
the baby's godfather.
568
00:27:43,001 --> 00:27:45,000
- Really?
569
00:27:45,001 --> 00:27:47,000
- Yeah.
570
00:27:47,001 --> 00:27:49,000
- You can count on me.
571
00:27:49,001 --> 00:27:50,000
- I'd be honored.
572
00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:52,000
I mean, to do the honor.
573
00:27:52,001 --> 00:27:53,000
(sighs)
574
00:27:53,001 --> 00:27:55,000
- So is it a grace?
575
00:27:55,001 --> 00:27:57,000
(laughs).
576
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:00,000
(somber music)
577
00:28:00,001 --> 00:28:07,000
- Excuse me for interrupting,
but have you ever noticed
578
00:28:07,001 --> 00:28:11,000
that the water stain in your bathtub
looks an awful lot like Moses?
579
00:28:11,001 --> 00:28:14,000
♪ Christmas time is always here ♪
580
00:28:14,001 --> 00:28:16,000
♪ Now it's here, now it's here ♪
581
00:28:16,001 --> 00:28:18,000
♪ Bringing out the joy of cheer ♪
582
00:28:18,001 --> 00:28:22,000
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
37675
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